KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: EXBEARHAG on July 21, 2019, 11:53:17 PM
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Hi All
Thank you for attempting to help a total stranger, badly in need.
Kodiak wintergreen user for ~23yrs.
I'm truly blessed with a beautiful, smart, supportive wife and 4 wonderful children.
I'm a first responder with a crazy work schedule and 4 active children. Kodiak has always helped me to deal with the stress and enjoy the down times. NO MORE. I can not take the guilt. Kodiak is not worth leaving my wife and children. I've tried to quit many times in the past. This time feels different. This time MUST be different.
I quit with October.
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EXBEARHAG
Congratulations on best decision of your life. i see you posted roll call in Oct. drink lots of water, if needed get sun flower seeds, hard candy for oral fixation. if you need digits PM.
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Nice job. 1 week down, one more day (today) to go.
Get active in your quit, study the wins and fails on this board.
BTW, I get what you are saying about the family...but allow me to throw another idea in the mix:
You gotta quit for YOU. Your family...they'd be hurt if this addiction killed you. But they'd get over it. And that is a good thing. It's what you would want. Your quitting has a nice byproduct for them, but the goal is all about you. I think being a little selfish is ok. You dont want to miss the prom, or the anniversary, or the first grand baby. You dipping isn't gonna stop their future. It may stop yours though.
I've seen a lot of guys say they want to quit "for the family". It's a good reason. Just understand that, in my experience, it hasn't often been enough.
Keep reading and learning. If you disagree with the above...challenge my thoughts! Thats good for both of us.
Zam
(BTW, crazy work schedules are both a blessing and a curse. Hardest part of my life so far has been the (thankfully) short stint of 7-5 monotonous work
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DAY 118
I've waited this long to chronicle my experience. Honestly, not sure how much sense I would have made if I tried to write down my experience through my first 100 days. It's been a real challenge. To be clear, keeping track of my quit here is for me. I certainly hope that it is of some use to others...but this forum is where I plan to vent.
The truth is, I almost always want to post about how I am feeling and what this separation is doing to me. However, I see very little of this on the boards. I've posted my challenges when prompted by other's posts but hesitate to constantly report about my struggles. The last thing I want to do is drag anyone else down.
23+ years of ~1 can of Kodiak a day. I loved the stuff. Always had a wedge in my mouth. I used so much that I associated EVERYTHING I did with dip. I was confident, well adjusted, motivated, like I could handle anything. I also had an unbearable feeling of guilt. I knew I was slowly killing myself. My kids watched. I could not bare to do it any longer.
I tried to stop many times before. Usually got about 21 days in and rationalized "just one". Just one ALWAYS turned into "Why waste a full can? I'll hold on to it but will only have one a week => one a day =>only when my kids aren't around" => back to a can a day before long.
This time felt different from the beginning. I continuously went through my rationalization: "I have to quit. I've already pushed my luck. I should have some health problems by now. I feel like I'm lucky that I don't. I want to quit on my own terms and not as a result of a diagnosis." Once I got a couple days in the cravings became almost unbearable. I was reminded of my addiction at every moment, everything I looked at, everything I was charged to do. My mantra grew, "I'm 3 days in now. If I cave i either continue dipping and die or I have to re-quit. I do not want to die. That means I'll have to re-quit and go through the worst 3 days of my life...AGAIN. So what is the point of caving?"
I've repeated this mantra thousands of times over the last 118 days. I believe this reality has made the difference in my quit this time. The other difference is KTC. At first I spent some time lurking, reading about the experiences of others on the site. I quickly realized that I was not alone. My symptoms, fears, concerns, wins, were pretty standard for addicts trying to kick the habit.
I took a chance and posted roll. I figured what did I have to lose. I'll be promising strangers on a website. If I cave, I'll just stop signing on. How could people I do not know really keep me accountable? A funny thing happened. I began to develop relationships. When I thought of throwing in the towel and stopping at the C store, I thought about those strangers on KTC. I promised those strangers when I woke up that I would not use nic today. What kind of person am I if I can't keep a promise? Surprisingly to me, it was enough pressure to keep me clean.
I really wish now that I kept a log every 20-30 days to start. Most of the past 118 days is pretty foggy. I do remember starting to feel better around day 30 only to have major struggles around day 60. This is when my anxiety really kicked in and I started to feel like the depression I felt would never go away. Days 80-118 have been up and down. I have slightly less cravings, they are a little more spaced out than they were originally, and they are no where near as earth shattering.
I've had significant bouts of anxiety and depression. I never felt overwhelmed in my life. I now know how it feels. Never had anxiety about work or our crazy schedule with the kids. I now know what it feels like to be anxious. I never felt a stitch of depression. Now I know what it means to be depressed. I lost my crutch and the void that created felt impossible to fill.
There were some positive things over the 118 days. Not being a slave to something is rewarding in itself. No more planning my day around when I was going to need a new can. No more pushing that dip far back in my mouth to hopefully hide it from my kids (wasn't hiding anything and knew it). No more awkward conversations with my wife about "maybe it's time for you to quit for real, Hon?" My reply, "I know babe. Soon."...for years and years. There were times when I felt like a warrior doing the impossible. My face felt better...no more gum irritation. No more trying to find the spot that hurt the least. NO MORE GUILT. Even if I'm diagnosed with something at this point, I stopped on my own terms.
Fact is I still have many more tough times than good ones. However, I'm only 118 days in. Still a newbie. It feels like a long time but really is not. I used for ~8,400 days. It took that long for me to develop the addiction I am now trying to deal with. 118 days is a drop in the bucket in comparison. I've got a long road ahead.
The last couple of days have been a real challenge for me. The nic bitch has been incessantly whispering. This makes me feel weak. I scroll through the posts and find very few post-HOFers writing about similar feelings. Makes me wonder if my addiction is worse than others or maybe I'm just more of a pussy than everyone else. Can't say for sure but I know there are times when I don't think I can through something without a dip...still.
The good news is that I have gotten through many of those times. Wake up the next morning, post, make my promise. Repeat the next day.
I will not use nicotine today. I will open my eyes in the morning and post roll again...promise not to use. That's good enough for now.
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Post Hall of Fame can be a rough spot. Many quitters see a couple spells of trouble ahead. However, you are healing. Stay strong. It will get better.
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DAY 118
I've waited this long to chronicle my experience. Honestly, not sure how much sense I would have made if I tried to write down my experience through my first 100 days. It's been a real challenge. To be clear, keeping track of my quit here is for me. I certainly hope that it is of some use to others...but this forum is where I plan to vent.
The truth is, I almost always want to post about how I am feeling and what this separation is doing to me. However, I see very little of this on the boards. I've posted my challenges when prompted by other's posts but hesitate to constantly report about my struggles. The last thing I want to do is drag anyone else down.
23+ years of ~1 can of Kodiak a day. I loved the stuff. Always had a wedge in my mouth. I used so much that I associated EVERYTHING I did with dip. I was confident, well adjusted, motivated, like I could handle anything. I also had an unbearable feeling of guilt. I knew I was slowly killing myself. My kids watched. I could not bare to do it any longer.
I tried to stop many times before. Usually got about 21 days in and rationalized "just one". Just one ALWAYS turned into "Why waste a full can? I'll hold on to it but will only have one a week => one a day =>only when my kids aren't around" => back to a can a day before long.
This time felt different from the beginning. I continuously went through my rationalization: "I have to quit. I've already pushed my luck. I should have some health problems by now. I feel like I'm lucky that I don't. I want to quit on my own terms and not as a result of a diagnosis." Once I got a couple days in the cravings became almost unbearable. I was reminded of my addiction at every moment, everything I looked at, everything I was charged to do. My mantra grew, "I'm 3 days in now. If I cave i either continue dipping and die or I have to re-quit. I do not want to die. That means I'll have to re-quit and go through the worst 3 days of my life...AGAIN. So what is the point of caving?"
I've repeated this mantra thousands of times over the last 118 days. I believe this reality has made the difference in my quit this time. The other difference is KTC. At first I spent some time lurking, reading about the experiences of others on the site. I quickly realized that I was not alone. My symptoms, fears, concerns, wins, were pretty standard for addicts trying to kick the habit.
I took a chance and posted roll. I figured what did I have to lose. I'll be promising strangers on a website. If I cave, I'll just stop signing on. How could people I do not know really keep me accountable? A funny thing happened. I began to develop relationships. When I thought of throwing in the towel and stopping at the C store, I thought about those strangers on KTC. I promised those strangers when I woke up that I would not use nic today. What kind of person am I if I can't keep a promise? Surprisingly to me, it was enough pressure to keep me clean.
I really wish now that I kept a log every 20-30 days to start. Most of the past 118 days is pretty foggy. I do remember starting to feel better around day 30 only to have major struggles around day 60. This is when my anxiety really kicked in and I started to feel like the depression I felt would never go away. Days 80-118 have been up and down. I have slightly less cravings, they are a little more spaced out than they were originally, and they are no where near as earth shattering.
I've had significant bouts of anxiety and depression. I never felt overwhelmed in my life. I now know how it feels. Never had anxiety about work or our crazy schedule with the kids. I now know what it feels like to be anxious. I never felt a stitch of depression. Now I know what it means to be depressed. I lost my crutch and the void that created felt impossible to fill.
There were some positive things over the 118 days. Not being a slave to something is rewarding in itself. No more planning my day around when I was going to need a new can. No more pushing that dip far back in my mouth to hopefully hide it from my kids (wasn't hiding anything and knew it). No more awkward conversations with my wife about "maybe it's time for you to quit for real, Hon?" My reply, "I know babe. Soon."...for years and years. There were times when I felt like a warrior doing the impossible. My face felt better...no more gum irritation. No more trying to find the spot that hurt the least. NO MORE GUILT. Even if I'm diagnosed with something at this point, I stopped on my own terms.
Fact is I still have many more tough times than good ones. However, I'm only 118 days in. Still a newbie. It feels like a long time but really is not. I used for ~8,400 days. It took that long for me to develop the addiction I am now trying to deal with. 118 days is a drop in the bucket in comparison. I've got a long road ahead.
The last couple of days have been a real challenge for me. The nic bitch has been incessantly whispering. This makes me feel weak. I scroll through the posts and find very few post-HOFers writing about similar feelings. Makes me wonder if my addiction is worse than others or maybe I'm just more of a pussy than everyone else. Can't say for sure but I know there are times when I don't think I can through something without a dip...still.
The good news is that I have gotten through many of those times. Wake up the next morning, post, make my promise. Repeat the next day.
I will not use nicotine today. I will open my eyes in the morning and post roll again...promise not to use. That's good enough for now.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) you are doing great. Keep using your tools and posting roll. It really is amazing the different in how you feel from day 100 to 200. Huge difference. 200 - 300 is even greater. Now over 400 days life is pretty great. Be patient, stay loyal to your routine, and know each day gets better.
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@Nomore1959 (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=6)
@Keith0617 (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=1356)
Thanks for the encouragement. I was in a salty mood...tried to write it out...felt better. Grateful to have the forum to vent.
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Day 124
The past week has been a challenge for me...AGAIN. Truth is I feel like every day since July 16 '19 has been a challenge. When I'm struggling, I bare down, put on a grimace and push through. That's what I've always done when I've struggled with something. Problem is, this is not like anything else I've ever struggled with. This is permanent and does not go away in the short term. Due to this fact, I've spent much of the last 124 days being miserable.
Then...one of my group mates, Jascha, suggested in a very supportive way that I look at some of the positives. Now, of course I've heard this before but somehow, in the past several weeks, I've forgotten to do so. This mindset has really helped in the past couple days. When I feel a crave coming on, I tell myself I'm a warrior; that most people who try this fail. I think of how being free from nic has changed my life for the better and how disappointed my family would be if I caved. Funny how a quick change of attitude can keep me on track.
Things are beginning to improve. I still woke up this morning 2 1/2 hours early (3:30am) in a full anxiety attack (typical for work days) and could not fall back asleep. Walking out to my truck however, I felt like it was almost like a normal morning (pre-quit). It didn't last long and kind of made me nostalgic about dipping (felt good and normal= first thought is HAVE A DIP) but it was the first time that I can remember that I felt almost whole again...for a couple seconds anyway. Push onward. I can quit for the rest of today.
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Day 124
The past week has been a challenge for me...AGAIN. Truth is I feel like every day since July 16 '19 has been a challenge. When I'm struggling, I bare down, put on a grimace and push through. That's what I've always done when I've struggled with something. Problem is, this is not like anything else I've ever struggled with. This is permanent and does not go away in the short term. Due to this fact, I've spent much of the last 124 days being miserable.
Then...one of my group mates, Jascha, suggested in a very supportive way that I look at some of the positives. Now, of course I've heard this before but somehow, in the past several weeks, I've forgotten to do so. This mindset has really helped in the past couple days. When I feel a crave coming on, I tell myself I'm a warrior; that most people who try this fail. I think of how being free from nic has changed my life for the better and how disappointed my family would be if I caved. Funny how a quick change of attitude can keep me on track.
Things are beginning to improve. I still woke up this morning 2 1/2 hours early (3:30am) in a full anxiety attack (typical for work days) and could not fall back asleep. Walking out to my truck however, I felt like it was almost like a normal morning (pre-quit). It didn't last long and kind of made me nostalgic about dipping (felt good and normal= first thought is HAVE A DIP) but it was the first time that I can remember that I felt almost whole again...for a couple seconds anyway. Push onward. I can quit for the rest of today.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) You need to talk? Call/text
I feel you here. I quit for a decent stretch before joining KTC and ultimately gave in because it felt like (nic bitch told me) it was getting worse as time was going on...but I know it was a funk and it would’ve passed if I’d held strong.
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Day 124
The past week has been a challenge for me...AGAIN. Truth is I feel like every day since July 16 '19 has been a challenge. When I'm struggling, I bare down, put on a grimace and push through. That's what I've always done when I've struggled with something. Problem is, this is not like anything else I've ever struggled with. This is permanent and does not go away in the short term. Due to this fact, I've spent much of the last 124 days being miserable.
Then...one of my group mates, Jascha, suggested in a very supportive way that I look at some of the positives. Now, of course I've heard this before but somehow, in the past several weeks, I've forgotten to do so. This mindset has really helped in the past couple days. When I feel a crave coming on, I tell myself I'm a warrior; that most people who try this fail. I think of how being free from nic has changed my life for the better and how disappointed my family would be if I caved. Funny how a quick change of attitude can keep me on track.
Things are beginning to improve. I still woke up this morning 2 1/2 hours early (3:30am) in a full anxiety attack (typical for work days) and could not fall back asleep. Walking out to my truck however, I felt like it was almost like a normal morning (pre-quit). It didn't last long and kind of made me nostalgic about dipping (felt good and normal= first thought is HAVE A DIP) but it was the first time that I can remember that I felt almost whole again...for a couple seconds anyway. Push onward. I can quit for the rest of today.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) You need to talk? Call/text
I feel you here. I quit for a decent stretch before joining KTC and ultimately gave in because it felt like (nic bitch told me) it was getting worse as time was going on...but I know it was a funk and it would’ve passed if I’d held strong.
Hey @ankape (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=15914) Thank you for the offer but I'm good. Come here to intros to vent and usually feel better for it. The separation has certainly been hard but I'm winning. I can do this OFDAAT. I've got your number and will reach out if I'm ever on the ledge. Hope all is well.
- HAG
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Day 124
The past week has been a challenge for me...AGAIN. Truth is I feel like every day since July 16 '19 has been a challenge. When I'm struggling, I bare down, put on a grimace and push through. That's what I've always done when I've struggled with something. Problem is, this is not like anything else I've ever struggled with. This is permanent and does not go away in the short term. Due to this fact, I've spent much of the last 124 days being miserable.
Then...one of my group mates, Jascha, suggested in a very supportive way that I look at some of the positives. Now, of course I've heard this before but somehow, in the past several weeks, I've forgotten to do so. This mindset has really helped in the past couple days. When I feel a crave coming on, I tell myself I'm a warrior; that most people who try this fail. I think of how being free from nic has changed my life for the better and how disappointed my family would be if I caved. Funny how a quick change of attitude can keep me on track.
Things are beginning to improve. I still woke up this morning 2 1/2 hours early (3:30am) in a full anxiety attack (typical for work days) and could not fall back asleep. Walking out to my truck however, I felt like it was almost like a normal morning (pre-quit). It didn't last long and kind of made me nostalgic about dipping (felt good and normal= first thought is HAVE A DIP) but it was the first time that I can remember that I felt almost whole again...for a couple seconds anyway. Push onward. I can quit for the rest of today.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) You need to talk? Call/text
I feel you here. I quit for a decent stretch before joining KTC and ultimately gave in because it felt like (nic bitch told me) it was getting worse as time was going on...but I know it was a funk and it would’ve passed if I’d held strong.
Hey @ankape (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=15914) Thank you for the offer but I'm good. Come here to intros to vent and usually feel better for it. The separation has certainly been hard but I'm winning. I can do this OFDAAT. I've got your number and will reach out if I'm ever on the ledge. Hope all is well.
- HAG
Hang in there EXHAG. Keep doing what you're doing, and always reach out before you need to, if that makes any sense. I've survived about 3 cycles of bad depression since I've been quit. A few things I've learned from those are: Recovery takes its own damn sweet time, never compare your insides to other's outsides, and you're always stronger on the other side of it, provided you don't cave. In the long term, nobody regrets quitting and everyone who caves eventually regrets it. Nicotine is not a solution to any major blahs, blues, or depression. It is a poisonous band aid that will eventually put you in a much worse place. There is much honor in quitting, even when there's doubt, and none in caving.
There'll be times when you wonder if it's worth it. Those thoughts probably go through all addicts minds more than you know. The nic bitch with throw you into a major depression just to get you to think about going back. It sucks, but one day the skies will clear and you'll be glad for sticking with it.
If it weren't so difficult to quit nicotine, this site of crazies would't need to be here. But it is and thank God for that because most non-addicts don't understand some of the darkness we have to go through on the quit journey. But also, the victories are that much sweeter. Quit on, my brothers and sisters.
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Day 128
I'd be lying if I said I didn't waiver at all this week. There's a part of me that just wants to be done. I've done 128 days...the novelty is over. I want my old life back. I want to feel "normal" again and maybe smile a little more.
Then...I log on and read. I'm reminded of my day 1 and fog of the first week. I'm reminded of why I'm doing this in the first place. Vets like Zeus take the time to read my incoherent, winey, bitchy posts. More impressive is they take the time to reply. I realize (again) I'm not alone. Many have felt this way before me. Many have held on and remained quit. The bottom line comes into view:
I will not promise to be quit tomorrow. I will not promise that I will never have a dip again in my life. Looking even 24hrs into the future seems daunting to me...overwhelming. I WILL quit for the rest of today. I can do that. I hope and expect to do the same tomorrow.
@Zeus (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=1968) your post below was exactly what i needed to read tonight. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to read my BS...not to mention writing a thoughtful reply. I will push on...OMAAT.
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Day 128
I'd be lying if I said I didn't waiver at all this week. There's a part of me that just wants to be done. I've done 128 days...the novelty is over. I want my old life back. I want to feel "normal" again and maybe smile a little more.
Then...I log on and read. I'm reminded of my day 1 and fog of the first week. I'm reminded of why I'm doing this in the first place. Vets like Zeus take the time to read my incoherent, winey, bitchy posts. More impressive is they take the time to reply. I realize (again) I'm not alone. Many have felt this way before me. Many have held on and remained quit. The bottom line comes into view:
I will not promise to be quit tomorrow. I will not promise that I will never have a dip again in my life. Looking even 24hrs into the future seems daunting to me...overwhelming. I WILL quit for the rest of today. I can do that. I hope and expect to do the same tomorrow.
@Zeus (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=1968) your post below was exactly what i needed to read tonight. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to read my BS...not to mention writing a thoughtful reply. I will push on...OMAAT.
This is not BS HAG...this is what helps. I spent 16 years not realizing what you just laid out there...and I thank you.
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Day 128
I'd be lying if I said I didn't waiver at all this week. There's a part of me that just wants to be done. I've done 128 days...the novelty is over. I want my old life back. I want to feel "normal" again and maybe smile a little more.
Then...I log on and read. I'm reminded of my day 1 and fog of the first week. I'm reminded of why I'm doing this in the first place. Vets like Zeus take the time to read my incoherent, winey, bitchy posts. More impressive is they take the time to reply. I realize (again) I'm not alone. Many have felt this way before me. Many have held on and remained quit. The bottom line comes into view:
I will not promise to be quit tomorrow. I will not promise that I will never have a dip again in my life. Looking even 24hrs into the future seems daunting to me...overwhelming. I WILL quit for the rest of today. I can do that. I hope and expect to do the same tomorrow.
@Zeus (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=1968) your post below was exactly what i needed to read tonight. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to read my BS...not to mention writing a thoughtful reply. I will push on...OMAAT.
This is not BS HAG...this is what helps. I spent 16 years not realizing what you just laid out there...and I thank you.
What you are going through right now is "Post HOF Funk" and usually occurs during quit days 110-160. Just like all of the other symptoms you have had though, it too will pass and there are better days ahead, I guarantee you that.
Stay strong brother, hit me up for digits if you want a little more accountability.
PTQWYT
Chris
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Day 137
I feel like I've ben spinning my wheels for the last couple weeks. Cravings are up. I find myself paying special attention to C stores that I pass. Up again this morning 2-1/2hrs before I needed to be for work...full anxiety attack, cold sweats and racing heart. Trying to distract myself with exercise and keeping busy but the triggers are relentless.
"I have 2 choices: cave or push. I'm not ready to live with a diagnosis so, if I cave, I'll have to quit again. If I quit again, I'll be right back where I am now. I WILL regret caving. Thus, caving makes no sense. I WILL PUSH. I can do today."
---Sometimes helps to write it down.
Looking forward to when I feel a little more like myself. Looking forward to finding enjoyment in ALL the things I used to. I am optimistic that this will happen for me eventually. Hope that my current funk is soon over.
Hate to get on here and boo..hoo all the time. I do find it therapeutic to rant and bitch here in intros. I do not find this kind of sentiment too often on the boards. This leads me to believe that either I'm a sally or that people are not having the same experience that I am. Doesn't matter in the long run. I post in the am, come here to vent, try to stay quit. All I can do. Onward.
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Day 138
Strange how things happen. Just returned to station from a man who is on hospice; dying of cancer. He had a DNR (do not resuscitate) so there wasn't much we could do but try to comfort his wife.
Seeing that puts things in perspective. I do not want to be there any time soon. Quit on my friends...the alternative is real and harsh.
PTBQWY my friends.
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Day 138
Strange how things happen. Just returned to station from a man who is on hospice; dying of cancer. He had a DNR (do not resuscitate) so there wasn't much we could do but try to comfort his wife.
Seeing that puts things in perspective. I do not want to be there any time soon. Quit on my friends...the alternative is real and harsh.
PTBQWY my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) Moments like that make it hard to imagine the debate over a stupid chemical from a dead plant. Shows the strength of this addiction. NAFAR thanks!
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Day 145
Still holding the line.
In no meaningful order:
Don't miss trying to figure out how much dip I was going to need and when I was going to get it.
Don't miss spitting on my Peepee while doing #2 on the toilet.
Don't miss spending my hard earned money on useless worm dirt.
Don't miss trying to hide the wedge in my mouth from my kids...and knowing I was failing.
Don't miss promising my wife I would grow a set and quit...soon.
Don't miss the anxiety of unintentionally leaving a spitter around for my kids to find/spill.
Don't miss examining my gums and lip and expecting to find something.
Don't miss the sour stomach feeling I had most mornings.
Don't miss being a slave to something that will eventually kill me.
Don't miss being a fraud.
Don't miss being unaccountable for my actions.
Don't miss the guilt of not setting a good example for my kids.
There are lots of things that I do miss but dwelling on those things would not be helpful. I can quit today. WUPP and repeat tomorrow.
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Day 145
Still holding the line.
In no meaningful order:
Don't miss trying to figure out how much dip I was going to need and when I was going to get it.
Don't miss spitting on my Peepee while doing #2 on the toilet.
Don't miss spending my hard earned money on useless worm dirt.
Don't miss trying to hide the wedge in my mouth from my kids...and knowing I was failing.
Don't miss promising my wife I would grow a set and quit...soon.
Don't miss the anxiety of unintentionally leaving a spitter around for my kids to find/spill.
Don't miss examining my gums and lip and expecting to find something.
Don't miss the sour stomach feeling I had most mornings.
Don't miss being a slave to something that will eventually kill me.
Don't miss being a fraud.
Don't miss being unaccountable for my actions.
Don't miss the guilt of not setting a good example for my kids.
There are lots of things that I do miss but dwelling on those things would not be helpful. I can quit today. WUPP and repeat tomorrow.
You are killing nicotine brother! Day 145 is huge, quit is comfortable (mostly). I love that you are not complacent. There is a reward for your diligence... it doesn’t come from a panel of experts or some bullshit like that. It comes from from your actions:
1. The confidence you get by holding nicotine at bay... this transfers to the rest of your life for free.
2. Physically and mentally it gets better. Much better than you can imagine this early in your quit.
3. The immense satisfaction of helping others free themselves from nicotine slavery, all that support you give out does come back with interest.
So keep on doing what you are doing, one day at a time. The old “spit on my peepee” you has been vanquished. The healthy gums smiling you is ascendant.
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Day 145
Still holding the line.
In no meaningful order:
Don't miss trying to figure out how much dip I was going to need and when I was going to get it.
Don't miss spitting on my Peepee while doing #2 on the toilet.
Don't miss spending my hard earned money on useless worm dirt.
Don't miss trying to hide the wedge in my mouth from my kids...and knowing I was failing.
Don't miss promising my wife I would grow a set and quit...soon.
Don't miss the anxiety of unintentionally leaving a spitter around for my kids to find/spill.
Don't miss examining my gums and lip and expecting to find something.
Don't miss the sour stomach feeling I had most mornings.
Don't miss being a slave to something that will eventually kill me.
Don't miss being a fraud.
Don't miss being unaccountable for my actions.
Don't miss the guilt of not setting a good example for my kids.
There are lots of things that I do miss but dwelling on those things would not be helpful. I can quit today. WUPP and repeat tomorrow.
You are killing nicotine brother! Day 145 is huge, quit is comfortable (mostly). I love that you are not complacent. There is a reward for your diligence... it doesn’t come from a panel of experts or some bullshit like that. It comes from from your actions:
1. The confidence you get by holding nicotine at bay... this transfers to the rest of your life for free.
2. Physically and mentally it gets better. Much better than you can imagine this early in your quit.
3. The immense satisfaction of helping others free themselves from nicotine slavery, all that support you give out does come back with interest.
So keep on doing what you are doing, one day at a time. The old “spit on my peepee” you has been vanquished. The healthy gums smiling you is ascendant.
Thanks Nomore. Every iota of encouragement and guidance I get from folks that have been there before me is incredibly helpful and recharges my quit. I appreciate you taking the time.
PTBQWYT my friend.
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Day 137
I feel like I've ben spinning my wheels for the last couple weeks. Cravings are up. I find myself paying special attention to C stores that I pass. Up again this morning 2-1/2hrs before I needed to be for work...full anxiety attack, cold sweats and racing heart. Trying to distract myself with exercise and keeping busy but the triggers are relentless.
"I have 2 choices: cave or push. I'm not ready to live with a diagnosis so, if I cave, I'll have to quit again. If I quit again, I'll be right back where I am now. I WILL regret caving. Thus, caving makes no sense. I WILL PUSH. I can do today."
---Sometimes helps to write it down.
Looking forward to when I feel a little more like myself. Looking forward to finding enjoyment in ALL the things I used to. I am optimistic that this will happen for me eventually. Hope that my current funk is soon over.
Hate to get on here and boo..hoo all the time. I do find it therapeutic to rant and bitch here in intros. I do not find this kind of sentiment too often on the boards. This leads me to believe that either I'm a sally or that people are not having the same experience that I am. Doesn't matter in the long run. I post in the am, come here to vent, try to stay quit. All I can do. Onward.
Wow, You the Man. No sally here. day 137 and fightin Hard. I like your logic. No going back, don't want to start over again, all the right reasons. I'm at day 12...now my day 137 will be very special. Thanks John
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Day 147
I feel like I may have turned a corner a bit since Saturday. Funny how quickly things change. I read traumagnet's thread from beginning to end saturday night and it had a significant effect on me. Brought back vivid memories from before I quit...me imagining having to tell my kids that I'm sick, why I'm sick, and that my selfishness could leave them fatherless. Sometimes I guess it's hard to see through the suck back to how we felt before it. I have had a calmness about me the last couple days. An acceptance of what I've endeavored.
I'm distinctly aware that this is fleeting...temporary. I know the bitch is just recovering, storing energy, waiting for the next opportunity to swing away again. However, I feel like I may be better prepared for that right hook now. We'll see. All I can do is protect the head and wait for the next opportunity to counter. Either way, I've enjoyed the short period of relative peace. Craves are there...triggers are there. It's just a little easier to flip them off and move on. Here's to progress at a turtle's pace. I'll take it.
PTBQWYAT my friends.
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Day 147
I feel like I may have turned a corner a bit since Saturday. Funny how quickly things change. I read traumagnet's thread from beginning to end saturday night and it had a significant effect on me. Brought back vivid memories from before I quit...me imagining having to tell my kids that I'm sick, why I'm sick, and that my selfishness could leave them fatherless. Sometimes I guess it's hard to see through the suck back to how we felt before it. I have had a calmness about me the last couple days. An acceptance of what I've endeavored.
I'm distinctly aware that this is fleeting...temporary. I know the bitch is just recovering, storing energy, waiting for the next opportunity to swing away again. However, I feel like I may be better prepared for that right hook now. We'll see. All I can do is protect the head and wait for the next opportunity to counter. Either way, I've enjoyed the short period of relative peace. Craves are there...triggers are there. It's just a little easier to flip them off and move on. Here's to progress at a turtle's pace. I'll take it.
PTBQWYAT my friends.
Awesome update. Thank you for sharing, we get better one day at a time and before you know it, we’ve put together a ton of days. I think you’re right that the nic bitch will always be lurking, but maybe one day it’ll just go away quietly. Until then, we carry on the struggle
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Day 153
Status quo...Holding the line.
What blows my mind is the hold this addiction has over me. 153 days, not earth shattering but a small chunk of time. I can't believe how hard this addiction is fighting. Still getting multiple craves an hour...sometimes multiple cravings in a minute depending on what I'm doing. The duration and intensity of these craves are lessening but they are still there...persistent, ever present.
Anxiety still a couple times a week. Usually happens on the mornings I have to go into work, like this morning. Wake up 2 hours before my alarm rings in a cold sweat, heart racing. That's fun.
I love that I have not been dependent for almost 22 weeks. I love how good my face feels. I love that I'm setting a better example for my kids.
I hate that I still crave the stuff. I hate that I feel like everything would be better if I just cave even though I know that not to be true. I'm embarrassed that I still feel this way...that I can't be 100% happy and satisfied with my quit. I'm embarrassed that I can't just get on with it, embrace my new normal, stop obsessing for long enough to feel proud of what I've accomplished. In time I guess...
One thing is certain...I wouldn't be here without KTC. If I did not post my promise every morning, I think I would have jumped ship by now. Having just one is possible if no one is holding you accountable and we all know where just one leads to.
OMAAT
PTBQWYT my friends
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Day 161
I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can. It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving. I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better". I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time. I've got a long way to go. The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety. But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel? I will do my best to stay the course to find out. Hold the line folks.
PTBQWYT my friends.
~HAG
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Day 161
I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can. It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving. I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better". I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time. I've got a long way to go. The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety. But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel? I will do my best to stay the course to find out. Hold the line folks.
PTBQWYT my friends.
~HAG
Patience brother. It does get waaayyyyyyyyy better. Keep feed your quit day by day and before you know it that light starts getting bigger and closer. You can do this.
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Day 161
I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can. It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving. I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better". I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time. I've got a long way to go. The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety. But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel? I will do my best to stay the course to find out. Hold the line folks.
PTBQWYT my friends.
~HAG
Patience brother. It does get waaayyyyyyyyy better. Keep feed your quit day by day and before you know it that light starts getting bigger and closer. You can do this.
But you’ve come such a long way too brother- don’t forget that! YES, “stay in the black” and hold the line!
PTQWY
~ankape 60
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Day 161
I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can. It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving. I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better". I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time. I've got a long way to go. The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety. But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel? I will do my best to stay the course to find out. Hold the line folks.
PTBQWYT my friends.
~HAG
Patience brother. It does get waaayyyyyyyyy better. Keep feed your quit day by day and before you know it that light starts getting bigger and closer. You can do this.
But you’ve come such a long way too brother- don’t forget that! YES, “stay in the black” and hold the line!
PTQWY
~ankape 60
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879), I need to ask one question: When you were dipping how often did you think about when it was time to put a fresh one in?
If you were like me, I thought about it every hour at least. What makes quitting any different? It does get better - it really does. But, everyone is different. Everyone has a different timetable. Someone can be rolling along letting the quit days just click along, then BAM, a funk hits for no reason. It's part of the process. I know it can be depressing. I know it can feel demoralizing. I know you can question your resolve to stay quit. That is why we quit One Day At A Time. That is why we quit every hour, so we can keep our promise to stay quit.
How many people have you seen since you've been on KTC that has posted a day one after being quit for a long time? I see it every month. I quit for five years, then started dipping again. We are addicts. Nicotine will never let us forget. It will always be in our subconscious, lurking, waiting, for a weak moment. Embrace the triggers. Prepare for the craves. Overcome.
Today is 442 for me. I still have craves. I still have anxiety. Thankfully, it has gotten better. My craves are not as often. My craves are not as intense. My anxiety now comes in waves. The time in between bouts becomes longer. Does it suck that I still have craves? Yes. does it suck that I still have anxiety? Yes. But I am free! That is awesome! The good times are better. the good times are longer. I am free.
Proud to quit with you Hag. Reach out anytime.
Only the strong can quit. There is strength in numbers. Be strong with me.
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Day 163
I'm not sure that I'll ever get used to working holidays. I certainly did not want to leave my family this morning. It has crossed my mind a couple times today to mail it in. Throw the whole thing in the shitter and reward myself with a Christmas cave. However, I'm lucid enough now to know that that moist wedge is no reward. It's a curse! I've worked way to hard to move backwards. I can go without for the rest of the day. MOST importantly, I made my promise this morning to my brothers and sisters here at KTC. My word is my bond.
I choose to be quit today. I'm grateful for my new found freedom and for the relationships I've made here at KTC. I can quit for today.
Merry Christmas folks. Hold the line.
VPTBQWYT my friends
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Day 163
I'm not sure that I'll ever get used to working holidays. I certainly did not want to leave my family this morning. It has crossed my mind a couple times today to mail it in. Throw the whole thing in the shitter and reward myself with a Christmas cave. However, I'm lucid enough now to know that that moist wedge is no reward. It's a curse! I've worked way to hard to move backwards. I can go without for the rest of the day. MOST importantly, I made my promise this morning to my brothers and sisters here at KTC. My word is my bond.
I choose to be quit today. I'm grateful for my new found freedom and for the relationships I've made here at KTC. I can quit for today.
Merry Christmas folks. Hold the line.
VPTBQWYT my friends
Rock on brother.
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Day 170
My heart just sank as I recalled how I've felt on many previous New Year's Days. Guilt, shame, angst if I wasn't attempting to stop. Terror, frustration if I did stop...knowing my heart wasn't really in it. I would just fail. Why try? Why put myself through it. Why put everyone else in my life through it?
I'm incredibly grateful not to feel that this year. I'm still struggling here and there but my heart feels a bit lighter. I feel a bit more at peace. I'm grateful for all of you for holding me to the promise I make every morning. I can do another day. I can not put that shit in my body for one more day. Anyone can do just about anything for one day. Each day gets a little easier. I can hold the line for one more day. I can persevere with help of my brothers and sisters.
QLF
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Day 170
My heart just sank as I recalled how I've felt on many previous New Year's Days. Guilt, shame, angst if I wasn't attempting to stop. Terror, frustration if I did stop...knowing my heart wasn't really in it. I would just fail. Why try? Why put myself through it. Why put everyone else in my life through it?
I'm incredibly grateful not to feel that this year. I'm still struggling here and there but my heart feels a bit lighter. I feel a bit more at peace. I'm grateful for all of you for holding me to the promise I make every morning. I can do another day. I can not put that shit in my body for one more day. Anyone can do just about anything for one day. Each day gets a little easier. I can hold the line for one more day. I can persevere with help of my brothers and sisters.
QLF
I was surrounded by good ol boys packing it in all night. Even two years into it I called someone and made a verbal promise. Helped us both out. Good job staying clean.
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DAY 179
I've been in some kind of funk for the past several days...culminating with me staring at the Kodiak rack for about a minute this morning while grabbing stuff for a 24hr shift. All I could think of is that all I have to do is mouth the words, "Can of Kodiak Please". It would all be over. Sure, I'd have to explain why I caved to my wife...but I've had to do that before. In fact, she probably expects me to cave at this point. (HOW SAD!)
Then I remembered that I made a promise this morning. That was the end of that. I may not have bought that can either way but it was out of the question once I remembered about posting roll. Without KTC, I think I would have actually mouthed those words. Why not? I could stop again...later. Just put it off a little longer. An addict can rationalize ANYTHING.
As I was driving to work, I realized something. For the first time in 179 days, I did not think about having a dip right when I opened my eyes this morning. I got out of bed, went downstairs to stuff the stove with wood, brushed my teeth, WUPPed, and got into the shower. It wasn't until I was in the shower that I thought about having a dip. This was a win however. For the previous 178 mornings, dip was the first thing I thought about, literally seconds after waking up.
My point: I'm still on the roller coaster. I'm going to have many more bad days ahead. BUT...it's getting better. My triggers are lessening and the cravings decreasing in severity...I MADE IT 7-10 MINUTES THIS MORNING BEFORE I THOUGHT OF HAVING A DIP!!! I'll take the win. I can quit for the rest of today. I can hold the line today. I will worry about tomorrow....tomorrow.
PTBQWYT my friends.
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DAY 179
I've been in some kind of funk for the past several days...culminating with me staring at the Kodiak rack for about a minute this morning while grabbing stuff for a 24hr shift. All I could think of is that all I have to do is mouth the words, "Can of Kodiak Please". It would all be over. Sure, I'd have to explain why I caved to my wife...but I've had to do that before. In fact, she probably expects me to cave at this point. (HOW SAD!)
Then I remembered that I made a promise this morning. That was the end of that. I may not have bought that can either way but it was out of the question once I remembered about posting roll. Without KTC, I think I would have actually mouthed those words. Why not? I could stop again...later. Just put it off a little longer. An addict can rationalize ANYTHING.
As I was driving to work, I realized something. For the first time in 179 days, I did not think about having a dip right when I opened my eyes this morning. I got out of bed, went downstairs to stuff the stove with wood, brushed my teeth, WUPPed, and got into the shower. It wasn't until I was in the shower that I thought about having a dip. This was a win however. For the previous 178 mornings, dip was the first thing I thought about, literally seconds after waking up.
My point: I'm still on the roller coaster. I'm going to have many more bad days ahead. BUT...it's getting better. My triggers are lessening and the cravings decreasing in severity...I MADE IT 7-10 MINUTES THIS MORNING BEFORE I THOUGHT OF HAVING A DIP!!! I'll take the win. I can quit for the rest of today. I can hold the line today. I will worry about tomorrow....tomorrow.
PTBQWYT my friends.
Your words are so strengthening to me...I don’t know how many times they’ve just been spot on - you are some honest badass and I sure appreciate you. I will be holdin’ that line beside you EDD!
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DAY 179
I've been in some kind of funk for the past several days...culminating with me staring at the Kodiak rack for about a minute this morning while grabbing stuff for a 24hr shift. All I could think of is that all I have to do is mouth the words, "Can of Kodiak Please". It would all be over. Sure, I'd have to explain why I caved to my wife...but I've had to do that before. In fact, she probably expects me to cave at this point. (HOW SAD!)
Then I remembered that I made a promise this morning. That was the end of that. I may not have bought that can either way but it was out of the question once I remembered about posting roll. Without KTC, I think I would have actually mouthed those words. Why not? I could stop again...later. Just put it off a little longer. An addict can rationalize ANYTHING.
As I was driving to work, I realized something. For the first time in 179 days, I did not think about having a dip right when I opened my eyes this morning. I got out of bed, went downstairs to stuff the stove with wood, brushed my teeth, WUPPed, and got into the shower. It wasn't until I was in the shower that I thought about having a dip. This was a win however. For the previous 178 mornings, dip was the first thing I thought about, literally seconds after waking up.
My point: I'm still on the roller coaster. I'm going to have many more bad days ahead. BUT...it's getting better. My triggers are lessening and the cravings decreasing in severity...I MADE IT 7-10 MINUTES THIS MORNING BEFORE I THOUGHT OF HAVING A DIP!!! I'll take the win. I can quit for the rest of today. I can hold the line today. I will worry about tomorrow....tomorrow.
PTBQWYT my friends.
Your words are so strengthening to me...I don’t know how many times they’ve just been spot on - you are some honest badass and I sure appreciate you. I will be holdin’ that line beside you EDD!
You absolutely have this Hag! The nic bitch has never done anything good for you. Keep flipping the bird her way, and keep honoring your daily promise. As the great Clark W. Griswald said, ahhhh nahh, we're all in this together!
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DAY 179
I've been in some kind of funk for the past several days...culminating with me staring at the Kodiak rack for about a minute this morning while grabbing stuff for a 24hr shift. All I could think of is that all I have to do is mouth the words, "Can of Kodiak Please". It would all be over. Sure, I'd have to explain why I caved to my wife...but I've had to do that before. In fact, she probably expects me to cave at this point. (HOW SAD!)
Then I remembered that I made a promise this morning. That was the end of that. I may not have bought that can either way but it was out of the question once I remembered about posting roll. Without KTC, I think I would have actually mouthed those words. Why not? I could stop again...later. Just put it off a little longer. An addict can rationalize ANYTHING.
As I was driving to work, I realized something. For the first time in 179 days, I did not think about having a dip right when I opened my eyes this morning. I got out of bed, went downstairs to stuff the stove with wood, brushed my teeth, WUPPed, and got into the shower. It wasn't until I was in the shower that I thought about having a dip. This was a win however. For the previous 178 mornings, dip was the first thing I thought about, literally seconds after waking up.
My point: I'm still on the roller coaster. I'm going to have many more bad days ahead. BUT...it's getting better. My triggers are lessening and the cravings decreasing in severity...I MADE IT 7-10 MINUTES THIS MORNING BEFORE I THOUGHT OF HAVING A DIP!!! I'll take the win. I can quit for the rest of today. I can hold the line today. I will worry about tomorrow....tomorrow.
PTBQWYT my friends.
Your words are so strengthening to me...I don’t know how many times they’ve just been spot on - you are some honest badass and I sure appreciate you. I will be holdin’ that line beside you EDD!
You absolutely have this Hag! The nic bitch has never done anything good for you. Keep flipping the bird her way, and keep honoring your daily promise. As the great Clark W. Griswald said, ahhhh nahh, we're all in this together!
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) you have this. You are so close to the point where the good dominates the bad. Keep using your tools. Talk to some fellow quitters. Focus on ODAAT. PM me if I can help.
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Day 193
Status quo I guess. Don't feel as though much has changed over the last couple weeks. Still having lots of cravings. Almost everything is still a trigger. I feel as though I'm in a constant funk...the void seems large and deep most of the time. Still don't feel like myself.
But, I'm STILL quit. ODAAT!
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Day 193
Status quo I guess. Don't feel as though much has changed over the last couple weeks. Still having lots of cravings. Almost everything is still a trigger. I feel as though I'm in a constant funk...the void seems large and deep most of the time. Still don't feel like myself.
But, I'm STILL quit. ODAAT!
You got this. One foot in front of the other. The light WILL get brighter at the end of the tunnel. ODAAT.
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Day 193
Status quo I guess. Don't feel as though much has changed over the last couple weeks. Still having lots of cravings. Almost everything is still a trigger. I feel as though I'm in a constant funk...the void seems large and deep most of the time. Still don't feel like myself.
But, I'm STILL quit. ODAAT!
You got this. One foot in front of the other. The light WILL get brighter at the end of the tunnel. ODAAT.
Thanks Keith. Your words of wisdom and encourage are more helpful than you think. Thank you for taking the time to respond when my ups and downs are more down than up.
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Day 193
Status quo I guess. Don't feel as though much has changed over the last couple weeks. Still having lots of cravings. Almost everything is still a trigger. I feel as though I'm in a constant funk...the void seems large and deep most of the time. Still don't feel like myself.
But, I'm STILL quit. ODAAT!
You got this. One foot in front of the other. The light WILL get brighter at the end of the tunnel. ODAAT.
Thanks Keith. Your words of wisdom and encourage are more helpful than you think. Thank you for taking the time to respond when my ups and downs are more down than up.
A very wise Man told me, " Challenges abound ahead. Hold the line Olcpo. I'm told the road to freedom is pricey but the reward is invaluable." I'm dealing with funk too. My get-up-and-go got up and went. Shoulder to Shoulder ODAAT PTQWYTB
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Day 193
Status quo I guess. Don't feel as though much has changed over the last couple weeks. Still having lots of cravings. Almost everything is still a trigger. I feel as though I'm in a constant funk...the void seems large and deep most of the time. Still don't feel like myself.
But, I'm STILL quit. ODAAT!
You got this. One foot in front of the other. The light WILL get brighter at the end of the tunnel. ODAAT.
Thanks Keith. Your words of wisdom and encourage are more helpful than you think. Thank you for taking the time to respond when my ups and downs are more down than up.
A very wise Man told me, " Challenges abound ahead. Hold the line Olcpo. I'm told the road to freedom is pricey but the reward is invaluable." I'm dealing with funk too. My get-up-and-go got up and went. Shoulder to Shoulder ODAAT PTQWYTB
And that's why this place works!! Couldn't be any more proud than to hold the line with the likes of you Olcpo, Keith, and the rest of you BA quitters that come in here and unselfishly dole out support to those in need. That line will not be breached today. ODAAT
PTBQWYT my friends.
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Day 193
Status quo I guess. Don't feel as though much has changed over the last couple weeks. Still having lots of cravings. Almost everything is still a trigger. I feel as though I'm in a constant funk...the void seems large and deep most of the time. Still don't feel like myself.
But, I'm STILL quit. ODAAT!
You got this. One foot in front of the other. The light WILL get brighter at the end of the tunnel. ODAAT.
Thanks Keith. Your words of wisdom and encourage are more helpful than you think. Thank you for taking the time to respond when my ups and downs are more down than up.
A very wise Man told me, " Challenges abound ahead. Hold the line Olcpo. I'm told the road to freedom is pricey but the reward is invaluable." I'm dealing with funk too. My get-up-and-go got up and went. Shoulder to Shoulder ODAAT PTQWYTB
And that's why this place works!! Couldn't be any more proud than to hold the line with the likes of you Olcpo, Keith, and the rest of you BA quitters that come in here and unselfishly dole out support to those in need. That line will not be breached today. ODAAT
PTBQWYT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) I hear you I get 2 to 3 day funks, then good for a few weeks, I just gotta take it one day at a time. PTBQWYT Bud!
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Day 200
Found myself up early this morning to take my son to school before I had to be at work. It was early enough to watch the sun rise. Thankfully, I was alone in the truck when the levity of 200 days hit me. Together with the sun rise and my newly unstable emotional condition, I lost it. Not totally unprecedented behavior for me over the last several months. After some time, i was able to collect myself and reflect on my thoughts. I was content. No addict thoughts of "this would be better with a dip"...etc, etc. For that moment and for the remainder of my ride, i was content...at peace...fulfilled(?)!
Truth is it didn't last long. Step into work=stress=trigger=crave=my life over the last 200 days. BUT I was at ease. I see the dim light. I'm walking, strutting, running down that tunnel. I refuse to quit forever (can't even wrap my brain around that). I can quit for today. I intend to WUPP tomorrow. I can hold the line, shoulder to shoulder with my brothers and sisters.
PTBQWYT my friends.
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DAY 209
Holding the line. Cravings and triggers are still there. There seems to be less of them but the real difference is the intensity. The more time and space I put between myself and the can, the easier (relative term) it is to say F*** you and laugh at the craving. I still get a couple that really hurt each day (you know, the ones where you forget for a fraction of a second that you stopped) but I'll take that over the several I used to have an hour in the beginning.
I'm still struggling from time to time. The addiction is strong. With just over 200 days, I'm still a newbie here. But I can quit for today. ODAAT!
PTBQWYT my friends.
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DAY 209
Holding the line. Cravings and triggers are still there. There seems to be less of them but the real difference is the intensity. The more time and space I put between myself and the can, the easier (relative term) it is to say F*** you and laugh at the craving. I still get a couple that really hurt each day (you know, the ones where you forget for a fraction of a second that you stopped) but I'll take that over the several I used to have an hour in the beginning.
I'm still struggling from time to time. The addiction is strong. With just over 200 days, I'm still a newbie here. But I can quit for today. ODAAT!
PTBQWYT my friends.
You are killing it @EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) . Just wait, it does keep getting better. Seems like around a milestone is always the toughest for me. Proud to quit with you brother.
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Based on many conversations on the board lately, I feel as though I have to write concerning the tough love philosophy here at KTC.
Like many folks here, I manage people at work. I've taken all the training. Studied for and passed most of the promotional exams. Each of these steps require more training on managing people; the different philosophies and tactics. How each of us reacts differently to each style and philosophy. The cautions and pitfalls of pushing through with one of these styles even when it's not effective. There are thousands of books and philosophies regarding this subject; plenty to research and learn.
One constant however, is managing when time is of the essence and lives are at stake. Under these circumstances, decisions need to be made quickly and orders can not be questioned. The time for debate is over. If someone were to question an order under these circumstances, I would not be patient and understanding in my reply. Feelings may be hurt in these instances but for good reason. In order for us to work affectively and safely, we need to buy into the plan as a group and see it through as quickly and efficiently as possible.
I see a lot of similarities between this type of management in an emergency situation and the accountability style of KTC. Time IS of the essence on these boards. Any one of us could be 1 wedge away from that diagnosis. And yes, lives are at stake! If you have not, read some of the stories of the guys who lost to this addiction. They are powerful. It's easy to forget why we quit. What scared us shitless just before we made the decision. IMHO, those that are offended by some of the tough love doled out on the site are not 100% committed. Perhaps not scared enough. Coddling those that do not drink the kool aid only gives them a way out. It lessens the severity of the addiction. We are here to keep people off nicotine not to watch them come and go while possibly sacrificing their lives.
Again, I apologize for the rant but I think this is an important conversation based on current events here on the site. I look forward to any criticism, thoughts or concerns.
PTBQWYAT my friends.
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Based on many conversations on the board lately, I feel as though I have to write concerning the tough love philosophy here at KTC.
Like many folks here, I manage people at work. I've taken all the training. Studied for and passed most of the promotional exams. Each of these steps require more training on managing people; the different philosophies and tactics. How each of us reacts differently to each style and philosophy. The cautions and pitfalls of pushing through with one of these styles even when it's not effective. There are thousands of books and philosophies regarding this subject; plenty to research and learn.
One constant however, is managing when time is of the essence and lives are at stake. Under these circumstances, decisions need to be made quickly and orders can not be questioned. The time for debate is over. If someone were to question an order under these circumstances, I would not be patient and understanding in my reply. Feelings may be hurt in these instances but for good reason. In order for us to work affectively and safely, we need to buy into the plan as a group and see it through as quickly and efficiently as possible.
I see a lot of similarities between this type of management in an emergency situation and the accountability style of KTC. Time IS of the essence on these boards. Any one of us could be 1 wedge away from that diagnosis. And yes, lives are at stake! If you have not, read some of the stories of the guys who lost to this addiction. They are powerful. It's easy to forget why we quit. What scared us shitless just before we made the decision. IMHO, those that are offended by some of the tough love doled out on the site are not 100% committed. Perhaps not scared enough. Coddling those that do not drink the kool aid only gives them a way out. It lessens the severity of the addiction. We are here to keep people off nicotine not to watch them come and go while possibly sacrificing their lives.
Again, I apologize for the rant but I think this is an important conversation based on current events here on the site. I look forward to any criticism, thoughts or concerns.
PTBQWYAT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) thank you for sharing!
Once I was talking to a nicotine free friend and of course she probably didn’t want to make me think she was “guilting me into quitting”
See...I know she loves me, but she doesn’t understand that this addiction often needs a good ass kicking... I was saying how this addiction was going to ruin my teeth. She said, “oh, they make false teeth.” And my addict brain actually in that moment was like, “yeah, yeah they do...” WTF?? Seriously?!?
So yes, please. Do me a favor...do not encourage those ridiculous addict thoughts. We are addicts. Addicts lie- point out those lies! Kindly, harshly, whatever... but do not let the lies fly.
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Based on many conversations on the board lately, I feel as though I have to write concerning the tough love philosophy here at KTC.
Like many folks here, I manage people at work. I've taken all the training. Studied for and passed most of the promotional exams. Each of these steps require more training on managing people; the different philosophies and tactics. How each of us reacts differently to each style and philosophy. The cautions and pitfalls of pushing through with one of these styles even when it's not effective. There are thousands of books and philosophies regarding this subject; plenty to research and learn.
One constant however, is managing when time is of the essence and lives are at stake. Under these circumstances, decisions need to be made quickly and orders can not be questioned. The time for debate is over. If someone were to question an order under these circumstances, I would not be patient and understanding in my reply. Feelings may be hurt in these instances but for good reason. In order for us to work affectively and safely, we need to buy into the plan as a group and see it through as quickly and efficiently as possible.
I see a lot of similarities between this type of management in an emergency situation and the accountability style of KTC. Time IS of the essence on these boards. Any one of us could be 1 wedge away from that diagnosis. And yes, lives are at stake! If you have not, read some of the stories of the guys who lost to this addiction. They are powerful. It's easy to forget why we quit. What scared us shitless just before we made the decision. IMHO, those that are offended by some of the tough love doled out on the site are not 100% committed. Perhaps not scared enough. Coddling those that do not drink the kool aid only gives them a way out. It lessens the severity of the addiction. We are here to keep people off nicotine not to watch them come and go while possibly sacrificing their lives.
Again, I apologize for the rant but I think this is an important conversation based on current events here on the site. I look forward to any criticism, thoughts or concerns.
PTBQWYAT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) thank you for sharing!
Once I was talking to a nicotine free friend and of course she probably didn’t want to make me think she was “guilting me into quitting”
See...I know she loves me, but she doesn’t understand that this addiction often needs a good ass kicking... I was saying how this addiction was going to ruin my teeth. She said, “oh, they make false teeth.” And my addict brain actually in that moment was like, “yeah, yeah they do...” WTF?? Seriously?!?
So yes, please. Do me a favor...do not encourage those ridiculous addict thoughts. We are addicts. Addicts lie- point out those lies! Kindly, harshly, whatever... but do not let the lies fly.
As always, thanks for the support @ankape (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=15914) . As you may have noticed, I'm not one to demean people. I do not call people names or degrade them for little reason. Just not my style. However, I realize that this style of management can be effective. Shit it has played a part in keeping me on the roll and clean for the last 200+ days. I understand that some may take those harsh words personally and some of the language may make some people uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable reading some of the responses on the boards. However, accountability is accountability. You will never attract attention around here if you stay free of nic and make roll early every damn day (EEDD)...which is the site's ONLY goal. If you do not meet that bare minimum standard, you will be called out and some of the language may not be all peaches and cream. But for what reason? TO KEEP YOU QUIT! PERIOD.
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I've noticed you getting more vocal on the boards as of late, and I have to say I love your style. You motivate people well, and you're doing great work here. Just wanted to let you know that. Keep it up!
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I've noticed you getting more vocal on the boards as of late, and I have to say I love your style. You motivate people well, and you're doing great work here. Just wanted to let you know that. Keep it up!
Thanks Broc. The unselfish folks on this site have kept me away from kodiak for 10 times longer than my longest stoppage years ago. Trying to give a little back when I can. Hope some of the banter is helpful to someone along the way.
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Wanted to post this here for you. I read this one quite a few times in those early days. I think the line "Stop looking over your shoulder , there is nothing back there that you want." says it all. When we were dipping, being quit is all we wanted, so ya, nothing back there for us.
***************
I keep seeing posts where quitters are frustrated that they still have urges to dip or smoke. Some after a month, some after many hundreds of days. Maybe time ultimately erases that, I don't really know. The thing is when you have truly embraced your decision to quit, craves or urges become irrelevant. It's said over and over here that "dip is no longer an option". When you live that philosophy your quit becomes simple, easy even. If I know in my heart that I will never chew or smoke again, then I never consider it as a remedy,a pass time, crutch, etc. It is no longer on the table as a possibility in my mind. I have urges to dip all the time, they are no worse or better than my day one. The difference is I own them now. They have no power over me and I can brush them off with ease.
The destination and the journey are the same thing here. Quit is your destination, staying quit is the journey, you have already arrived my friend. Stop complaining about the potholes in your path, walk around them. Stop looking over your shoulder , there is nothing back there that you want. If there was you never would have left. Embrace your quit and there will not be any force of nature or mind that can move you from it.
SM
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Wanted to post this here for you. I read this one quite a few times in those early days. I think the line "Stop looking over your shoulder , there is nothing back there that you want." says it all. When we were dipping, being quit is all we wanted, so ya, nothing back there for us.
***************
I keep seeing posts where quitters are frustrated that they still have urges to dip or smoke. Some after a month, some after many hundreds of days. Maybe time ultimately erases that, I don't really know. The thing is when you have truly embraced your decision to quit, craves or urges become irrelevant. It's said over and over here that "dip is no longer an option". When you live that philosophy your quit becomes simple, easy even. If I know in my heart that I will never chew or smoke again, then I never consider it as a remedy,a pass time, crutch, etc. It is no longer on the table as a possibility in my mind. I have urges to dip all the time, they are no worse or better than my day one. The difference is I own them now. They have no power over me and I can brush them off with ease.
The destination and the journey are the same thing here. Quit is your destination, staying quit is the journey, you have already arrived my friend. Stop complaining about the potholes in your path, walk around them. Stop looking over your shoulder , there is nothing back there that you want. If there was you never would have left. Embrace your quit and there will not be any force of nature or mind that can move you from it.
SM
Powerful. I remember reading that in your intro. Makes my hair stand on end a bit.
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DAY 217
I felt like I may be turning a bit of a corner. Over the last 5-7 days, things were getting a bit easier. I felt as though I was thinking about it less. Craves were easier to handle. THEN...things didn't go exactly my way= I was facing some adversity, I was scheduled to work and I had to leave my family when I thought they needed me. This all built up to me actually thinking things would get better, more like normal, if I could just throw a wedge in. I was wobbling...looking for a way out.
Lucky for me, I made my promise early this morning. If I caved, I would let down folks who I couldn't even pick out of a line up (The Vortex et. al., Zues, Keith0617, BrianG, Walter, ankape, etc). The vets had pulled all the right strings (some being compassionate, some using harsher methods) early to get our group on the same page and willing to sacrifice for each other. Vets had reached out numerous times and were willing to do anything to keep me from buying that can. After giving my word, it was a non issue.
Sitting here at work, the craving and anxiety has passed. It was a long one, and particularly acute, but it is mostly gone. My quit is intact! Not sure if i would have bought that can this afternoon if I didn't make that promise but I am sure that it would have been much easier. THANK YOU KTC community for doing whatever it takes to keep me clean. I can quit for today. I will hold that line, shoulder to shoulder with my brothers and sisters.
PTBQWYT my friends
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DAY 217
I felt like I may be turning a bit of a corner. Over the last 5-7 days, things were getting a bit easier. I felt as though I was thinking about it less. Craves were easier to handle. THEN...things didn't go exactly my way= I was facing some adversity, I was scheduled to work and I had to leave my family when I thought they needed me. This all built up to me actually thinking things would get better, more like normal, if I could just throw a wedge in. I was wobbling...looking for a way out.
Lucky for me, I made my promise early this morning. If I caved, I would let down folks who I couldn't even pick out of a line up (The Vortex et. al., Zues, Keith0617, BrianG, Walter, ankape, etc). The vets had pulled all the right strings (some being compassionate, some using harsher methods) early to get our group on the same page and willing to sacrifice for each other. Vets had reached out numerous times and were willing to do anything to keep me from buying that can. After giving my word, it was a non issue.
Sitting here at work, the craving and anxiety has passed. It was a long one, and particularly acute, but it is mostly gone. My quit is intact! Not sure if i would have bought that can this afternoon if I didn't make that promise but I am sure that it would have been much easier. THANK YOU KTC community for doing whatever it takes to keep me clean. I can quit for today. I will hold that line, shoulder to shoulder with my brothers and sisters.
PTBQWYT my friends
Great job brother. I count that as a big time win. Every time you have a win your brain is learning you really can do it without nicotine. Keep doing what you are doing and kicking ass. It gets son much better.
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DAY 217
I felt like I may be turning a bit of a corner. Over the last 5-7 days, things were getting a bit easier. I felt as though I was thinking about it less. Craves were easier to handle. THEN...things didn't go exactly my way= I was facing some adversity, I was scheduled to work and I had to leave my family when I thought they needed me. This all built up to me actually thinking things would get better, more like normal, if I could just throw a wedge in. I was wobbling...looking for a way out.
Lucky for me, I made my promise early this morning. If I caved, I would let down folks who I couldn't even pick out of a line up (The Vortex et. al., Zues, Keith0617, BrianG, Walter, ankape, etc). The vets had pulled all the right strings (some being compassionate, some using harsher methods) early to get our group on the same page and willing to sacrifice for each other. Vets had reached out numerous times and were willing to do anything to keep me from buying that can. After giving my word, it was a non issue.
Sitting here at work, the craving and anxiety has passed. It was a long one, and particularly acute, but it is mostly gone. My quit is intact! Not sure if i would have bought that can this afternoon if I didn't make that promise but I am sure that it would have been much easier. THANK YOU KTC community for doing whatever it takes to keep me clean. I can quit for today. I will hold that line, shoulder to shoulder with my brothers and sisters.
PTBQWYT my friends
First of all, thank you for sharing! It is strengthening to know you’re there, fighting EDD and that all those lies are not valid here. I am proud to stand with you.
Second of all, wow, you just put me in parentheses with some serious studs! I’m thinking you could pick me out of that line up though. :-*
Draw the line. Hold the line. PTQWY brother!
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DAY 225
Sometimes I think I just can't do my life anymore without my crutch. I take it off the table every morning. I've made the decision not to use today, as I have for the previous 224 days, but it's always right there. Whispering. Urging. It's not as persistent or painful as it was in the beginning, but it's still there. It amazes me how tenacious this addiction is. Multiple times a day the nic bitch tells me that whatever it is that I'm doing, it would be better/more fun/more manageable/less stressful/etc with a dip. I can't seem to stop these micro-second reminders of my past life. It's taxing and weighs on me greatly. My greatest fear is that it begins to affect my family more than it already has.
I know I can't go back. I've decided that the next time I put a dip in my mouth, I better be ready for the consequences. I'm not ready to die. I've tried not to look over my shoulder. I know there is nothing for me back there. Considering what I just wrote, it should not be so hard to swat those urges away and tell the bitch to F off. At this point, most times I can. But there are times when it lingers. I obsess over it and it owns me for a period of time. These times make me question my motivations = door cracked for the bitch.
I'd like to end this rant with some positive words of encouragement, as I usually do, but I'm not feeling it today. I made my promise this morning so I'm not concerned about a cave. I intend to rush to the site first thing tomorrow to make my promise so I don't have an option for tomorrow as well. I'm quit and intend to stay that way. I "enjoyed" this addiction for years (fucked up use of words considering I "enjoyed" something that was killing me) and it's time to pay the piper. I will serve my penance and push through. Thank God I have you folks to lead me and help me down the path. Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my sisters and brothers.
PTBQWYT my friends.
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DAY 225
Sometimes I think I just can't do my life anymore without my crutch. I take it off the table every morning. I've made the decision not to use today, as I have for the previous 224 days, but it's always right there. Whispering. Urging. It's not as persistent or painful as it was in the beginning, but it's still there. It amazes me how tenacious this addiction is. Multiple times a day the nic bitch tells me that whatever it is that I'm doing, it would be better/more fun/more manageable/less stressful/etc with a dip. I can't seem to stop these micro-second reminders of my past life. It's taxing and weighs on me greatly. My greatest fear is that it begins to affect my family more than it already has.
I know I can't go back. I've decided that the next time I put a dip in my mouth, I better be ready for the consequences. I'm not ready to die. I've tried not to look over my shoulder. I know there is nothing for me back there. Considering what I just wrote, it should not be so hard to swat those urges away and tell the bitch to F off. At this point, most times I can. But there are times when it lingers. I obsess over it and it owns me for a period of time. These times make me question my motivations = door cracked for the bitch.
I'd like to end this rant with some positive words of encouragement, as I usually do, but I'm not feeling it today. I made my promise this morning so I'm not concerned about a cave. I intend to rush to the site first thing tomorrow to make my promise so I don't have an option for tomorrow as well. I'm quit and intend to stay that way. I "enjoyed" this addiction for years (fucked up use of words considering I "enjoyed" something that was killing me) and it's time to pay the piper. I will serve my penance and push through. Thank God I have you folks to lead me and help me down the path. Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my sisters and brothers.
PTBQWYT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Hang in there brother. The waves come and go but our routines see us through the hard times. The light at the end of the tunnel will be getting so much brighter soon. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and before long these feelings will be a memory. Use your tools and most importantly don't be afraid to reach out to fellow quitters and talk. It is amazing how conversations with fellow quitters recharge the quit tank. Check your messages.
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DAY 225
Sometimes I think I just can't do my life anymore without my crutch. I take it off the table every morning. I've made the decision not to use today, as I have for the previous 224 days, but it's always right there. Whispering. Urging. It's not as persistent or painful as it was in the beginning, but it's still there. It amazes me how tenacious this addiction is. Multiple times a day the nic bitch tells me that whatever it is that I'm doing, it would be better/more fun/more manageable/less stressful/etc with a dip. I can't seem to stop these micro-second reminders of my past life. It's taxing and weighs on me greatly. My greatest fear is that it begins to affect my family more than it already has.
I know I can't go back. I've decided that the next time I put a dip in my mouth, I better be ready for the consequences. I'm not ready to die. I've tried not to look over my shoulder. I know there is nothing for me back there. Considering what I just wrote, it should not be so hard to swat those urges away and tell the bitch to F off. At this point, most times I can. But there are times when it lingers. I obsess over it and it owns me for a period of time. These times make me question my motivations = door cracked for the bitch.
I'd like to end this rant with some positive words of encouragement, as I usually do, but I'm not feeling it today. I made my promise this morning so I'm not concerned about a cave. I intend to rush to the site first thing tomorrow to make my promise so I don't have an option for tomorrow as well. I'm quit and intend to stay that way. I "enjoyed" this addiction for years (fucked up use of words considering I "enjoyed" something that was killing me) and it's time to pay the piper. I will serve my penance and push through. Thank God I have you folks to lead me and help me down the path. Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my sisters and brothers.
PTBQWYT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Hang in there brother. The waves come and go but our routines see us through the hard times. The light at the end of the tunnel will be getting so much brighter soon. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and before long these feelings will be a memory. Use your tools and most importantly don't be afraid to reach out to fellow quitters and talk. It is amazing how conversations with fellow quitters recharge the quit tank. Check your messages.
You took the words right out of my mouth HAG. This is what I am feeling and experiencing too. I can't keep the thoughts out of my head and I wonder if I can keep going.
You motivate a lot of us. Thanks for being honest and sharing how you are feeling.
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DAY 225
Sometimes I think I just can't do my life anymore without my crutch. I take it off the table every morning. I've made the decision not to use today, as I have for the previous 224 days, but it's always right there. Whispering. Urging. It's not as persistent or painful as it was in the beginning, but it's still there. It amazes me how tenacious this addiction is. Multiple times a day the nic bitch tells me that whatever it is that I'm doing, it would be better/more fun/more manageable/less stressful/etc with a dip. I can't seem to stop these micro-second reminders of my past life. It's taxing and weighs on me greatly. My greatest fear is that it begins to affect my family more than it already has.
I know I can't go back. I've decided that the next time I put a dip in my mouth, I better be ready for the consequences. I'm not ready to die. I've tried not to look over my shoulder. I know there is nothing for me back there. Considering what I just wrote, it should not be so hard to swat those urges away and tell the bitch to F off. At this point, most times I can. But there are times when it lingers. I obsess over it and it owns me for a period of time. These times make me question my motivations = door cracked for the bitch.
I'd like to end this rant with some positive words of encouragement, as I usually do, but I'm not feeling it today. I made my promise this morning so I'm not concerned about a cave. I intend to rush to the site first thing tomorrow to make my promise so I don't have an option for tomorrow as well. I'm quit and intend to stay that way. I "enjoyed" this addiction for years (fucked up use of words considering I "enjoyed" something that was killing me) and it's time to pay the piper. I will serve my penance and push through. Thank God I have you folks to lead me and help me down the path. Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my sisters and brothers.
PTBQWYT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Hang in there brother. The waves come and go but our routines see us through the hard times. The light at the end of the tunnel will be getting so much brighter soon. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and before long these feelings will be a memory. Use your tools and most importantly don't be afraid to reach out to fellow quitters and talk. It is amazing how conversations with fellow quitters recharge the quit tank. Check your messages.
You took the words right out of my mouth HAG. This is what I am feeling and experiencing too. I can't keep the thoughts out of my head and I wonder if I can keep going.
You motivate a lot of us. Thanks for being honest and sharing how you are feeling.
Thanks Red. Writing my feelings out has been amazingly therapeutic for me. After writing yesterday, i had a great conversation with my wife and spent a couple hours reading the early pages of @walterwhite (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=55) "s Intro. It recharged me. I'm realizing I'm right where I should be...Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. I have to be patient. I have to actively try to see the good/fun in things instead of dwelling on something I NEED to move on from. Maybe I need to change my life a bit. Easier said than done...
The truth is, at this point I guess I'm having more good days than bad. The good days are not reflected in this intro section but they are there. I'm going to try to change some things up. Today is a new day. I can quit for today. I'm proud to be quit. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
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DAY 225
Sometimes I think I just can't do my life anymore without my crutch. I take it off the table every morning. I've made the decision not to use today, as I have for the previous 224 days, but it's always right there. Whispering. Urging. It's not as persistent or painful as it was in the beginning, but it's still there. It amazes me how tenacious this addiction is. Multiple times a day the nic bitch tells me that whatever it is that I'm doing, it would be better/more fun/more manageable/less stressful/etc with a dip. I can't seem to stop these micro-second reminders of my past life. It's taxing and weighs on me greatly. My greatest fear is that it begins to affect my family more than it already has.
I know I can't go back. I've decided that the next time I put a dip in my mouth, I better be ready for the consequences. I'm not ready to die. I've tried not to look over my shoulder. I know there is nothing for me back there. Considering what I just wrote, it should not be so hard to swat those urges away and tell the bitch to F off. At this point, most times I can. But there are times when it lingers. I obsess over it and it owns me for a period of time. These times make me question my motivations = door cracked for the bitch.
I'd like to end this rant with some positive words of encouragement, as I usually do, but I'm not feeling it today. I made my promise this morning so I'm not concerned about a cave. I intend to rush to the site first thing tomorrow to make my promise so I don't have an option for tomorrow as well. I'm quit and intend to stay that way. I "enjoyed" this addiction for years (fucked up use of words considering I "enjoyed" something that was killing me) and it's time to pay the piper. I will serve my penance and push through. Thank God I have you folks to lead me and help me down the path. Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my sisters and brothers.
PTBQWYT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Hang in there brother. The waves come and go but our routines see us through the hard times. The light at the end of the tunnel will be getting so much brighter soon. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and before long these feelings will be a memory. Use your tools and most importantly don't be afraid to reach out to fellow quitters and talk. It is amazing how conversations with fellow quitters recharge the quit tank. Check your messages.
You took the words right out of my mouth HAG. This is what I am feeling and experiencing too. I can't keep the thoughts out of my head and I wonder if I can keep going.
You motivate a lot of us. Thanks for being honest and sharing how you are feeling.
Thanks Red. Writing my feelings out has been amazingly therapeutic for me. After writing yesterday, i had a great conversation with my wife and spent a couple hours reading the early pages of @walterwhite (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=55) "s Intro. It recharged me. I'm realizing I'm right where I should be...Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. I have to be patient. I have to actively try to see the good/fun in things instead of dwelling on something I NEED to move on from. Maybe I need to change my life a bit. Easier said than done...
The truth is, at this point I guess I'm having more good days than bad. The good days are not reflected in this intro section but they are there. I'm going to try to change some things up. Today is a new day. I can quit for today. I'm proud to be quit. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
Hag...
Thanks for putting your experience out there for all of us... it helps more than you know to see someone fighting the same fight. I really like your response to your negative self. I also find myself getting down, fighting daily to be positive. Then some days I will step back and realize how far I’ve come. One thing that is hard to wrap my head around is how much this addiction has conditioned our bodies, and brains. Quitting is not for the weak that’s for sure.
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DAY 225
Sometimes I think I just can't do my life anymore without my crutch. I take it off the table every morning. I've made the decision not to use today, as I have for the previous 224 days, but it's always right there. Whispering. Urging. It's not as persistent or painful as it was in the beginning, but it's still there. It amazes me how tenacious this addiction is. Multiple times a day the nic bitch tells me that whatever it is that I'm doing, it would be better/more fun/more manageable/less stressful/etc with a dip. I can't seem to stop these micro-second reminders of my past life. It's taxing and weighs on me greatly. My greatest fear is that it begins to affect my family more than it already has.
I know I can't go back. I've decided that the next time I put a dip in my mouth, I better be ready for the consequences. I'm not ready to die. I've tried not to look over my shoulder. I know there is nothing for me back there. Considering what I just wrote, it should not be so hard to swat those urges away and tell the bitch to F off. At this point, most times I can. But there are times when it lingers. I obsess over it and it owns me for a period of time. These times make me question my motivations = door cracked for the bitch.
I'd like to end this rant with some positive words of encouragement, as I usually do, but I'm not feeling it today. I made my promise this morning so I'm not concerned about a cave. I intend to rush to the site first thing tomorrow to make my promise so I don't have an option for tomorrow as well. I'm quit and intend to stay that way. I "enjoyed" this addiction for years (fucked up use of words considering I "enjoyed" something that was killing me) and it's time to pay the piper. I will serve my penance and push through. Thank God I have you folks to lead me and help me down the path. Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my sisters and brothers.
PTBQWYT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Hang in there brother. The waves come and go but our routines see us through the hard times. The light at the end of the tunnel will be getting so much brighter soon. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and before long these feelings will be a memory. Use your tools and most importantly don't be afraid to reach out to fellow quitters and talk. It is amazing how conversations with fellow quitters recharge the quit tank. Check your messages.
You took the words right out of my mouth HAG. This is what I am feeling and experiencing too. I can't keep the thoughts out of my head and I wonder if I can keep going.
You motivate a lot of us. Thanks for being honest and sharing how you are feeling.
Thanks Red. Writing my feelings out has been amazingly therapeutic for me. After writing yesterday, i had a great conversation with my wife and spent a couple hours reading the early pages of @walterwhite (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=55) "s Intro. It recharged me. I'm realizing I'm right where I should be...Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. I have to be patient. I have to actively try to see the good/fun in things instead of dwelling on something I NEED to move on from. Maybe I need to change my life a bit. Easier said than done...
The truth is, at this point I guess I'm having more good days than bad. The good days are not reflected in this intro section but they are there. I'm going to try to change some things up. Today is a new day. I can quit for today. I'm proud to be quit. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
Hag...
Thanks for putting your experience out there for all of us... it helps more than you know to see someone fighting the same fight. I really like your response to your negative self. I also find myself getting down, fighting daily to be positive. Then some days I will step back and realize how far I’ve come. One thing that is hard to wrap my head around is how much this addiction has conditioned our bodies, and brains. Quitting is not for the weak that’s for sure.
Change your mindset…change your life. What do you think will be easier? Having to do something or WANTING and EXCITED about doing something. Quitting is freaking hard. It is the biggest mind game I have ever done. Just when you think you got this…it comes crashing down. If you are excited about quitting. If you HATE nicotine with a passion. Quitting is so much easier.
Keep writing your thoughts out. I really enjoyed reading and understood your thought process. You are not alone. One day you will forget all about your struggles. You will be able to reread your introductions so that you will never forget!
It does get better…so much better. Just keep quitting ODAAT and anything is possible.
Proud to quit with you today. Let me know if you ever need anything.
-
DAY 225
Sometimes I think I just can't do my life anymore without my crutch. I take it off the table every morning. I've made the decision not to use today, as I have for the previous 224 days, but it's always right there. Whispering. Urging. It's not as persistent or painful as it was in the beginning, but it's still there. It amazes me how tenacious this addiction is. Multiple times a day the nic bitch tells me that whatever it is that I'm doing, it would be better/more fun/more manageable/less stressful/etc with a dip. I can't seem to stop these micro-second reminders of my past life. It's taxing and weighs on me greatly. My greatest fear is that it begins to affect my family more than it already has.
I know I can't go back. I've decided that the next time I put a dip in my mouth, I better be ready for the consequences. I'm not ready to die. I've tried not to look over my shoulder. I know there is nothing for me back there. Considering what I just wrote, it should not be so hard to swat those urges away and tell the bitch to F off. At this point, most times I can. But there are times when it lingers. I obsess over it and it owns me for a period of time. These times make me question my motivations = door cracked for the bitch.
I'd like to end this rant with some positive words of encouragement, as I usually do, but I'm not feeling it today. I made my promise this morning so I'm not concerned about a cave. I intend to rush to the site first thing tomorrow to make my promise so I don't have an option for tomorrow as well. I'm quit and intend to stay that way. I "enjoyed" this addiction for years (fucked up use of words considering I "enjoyed" something that was killing me) and it's time to pay the piper. I will serve my penance and push through. Thank God I have you folks to lead me and help me down the path. Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my sisters and brothers.
PTBQWYT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Hang in there brother. The waves come and go but our routines see us through the hard times. The light at the end of the tunnel will be getting so much brighter soon. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and before long these feelings will be a memory. Use your tools and most importantly don't be afraid to reach out to fellow quitters and talk. It is amazing how conversations with fellow quitters recharge the quit tank. Check your messages.
You took the words right out of my mouth HAG. This is what I am feeling and experiencing too. I can't keep the thoughts out of my head and I wonder if I can keep going.
You motivate a lot of us. Thanks for being honest and sharing how you are feeling.
Thanks Red. Writing my feelings out has been amazingly therapeutic for me. After writing yesterday, i had a great conversation with my wife and spent a couple hours reading the early pages of @walterwhite (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=55) "s Intro. It recharged me. I'm realizing I'm right where I should be...Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. I have to be patient. I have to actively try to see the good/fun in things instead of dwelling on something I NEED to move on from. Maybe I need to change my life a bit. Easier said than done...
The truth is, at this point I guess I'm having more good days than bad. The good days are not reflected in this intro section but they are there. I'm going to try to change some things up. Today is a new day. I can quit for today. I'm proud to be quit. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
Hag...
Thanks for putting your experience out there for all of us... it helps more than you know to see someone fighting the same fight. I really like your response to your negative self. I also find myself getting down, fighting daily to be positive. Then some days I will step back and realize how far I’ve come. One thing that is hard to wrap my head around is how much this addiction has conditioned our bodies, and brains. Quitting is not for the weak that’s for sure.
Change your mindset…change your life. What do you think will be easier? Having to do something or WANTING and EXCITED about doing something. Quitting is freaking hard. It is the biggest mind game I have ever done. Just when you think you got this…it comes crashing down. If you are excited about quitting. If you HATE nicotine with a passion. Quitting is so much easier.
Keep writing your thoughts out. I really enjoyed reading and understood your thought process. You are not alone. One day you will forget all about your struggles. You will be able to reread your introductions so that you will never forget!
It does get better…so much better. Just keep quitting ODAAT and anything is possible.
Proud to quit with you today. Let me know if you ever need anything.
Great advice @walterwhite (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=55) . I know what you say is truth but seeing it through has been challenging for me at times. I'm content, though...for the moment anyway. I'm doing enough! I need to make some changes to my life; need to find pleasure in other things and be more grateful for the blessed life I lead. But I'm convinced this too will happen in time. Until then, WUPP EEDD (Early Every Damn Day), strengthen my quit by supporting others, and learn as much as I can about our enemy. That's my plan....until the next time I get swallowed by the funk and we have to do this all over again.
-
DAY 225
Sometimes I think I just can't do my life anymore without my crutch. I take it off the table every morning. I've made the decision not to use today, as I have for the previous 224 days, but it's always right there. Whispering. Urging. It's not as persistent or painful as it was in the beginning, but it's still there. It amazes me how tenacious this addiction is. Multiple times a day the nic bitch tells me that whatever it is that I'm doing, it would be better/more fun/more manageable/less stressful/etc with a dip. I can't seem to stop these micro-second reminders of my past life. It's taxing and weighs on me greatly. My greatest fear is that it begins to affect my family more than it already has.
I know I can't go back. I've decided that the next time I put a dip in my mouth, I better be ready for the consequences. I'm not ready to die. I've tried not to look over my shoulder. I know there is nothing for me back there. Considering what I just wrote, it should not be so hard to swat those urges away and tell the bitch to F off. At this point, most times I can. But there are times when it lingers. I obsess over it and it owns me for a period of time. These times make me question my motivations = door cracked for the bitch.
I'd like to end this rant with some positive words of encouragement, as I usually do, but I'm not feeling it today. I made my promise this morning so I'm not concerned about a cave. I intend to rush to the site first thing tomorrow to make my promise so I don't have an option for tomorrow as well. I'm quit and intend to stay that way. I "enjoyed" this addiction for years (fucked up use of words considering I "enjoyed" something that was killing me) and it's time to pay the piper. I will serve my penance and push through. Thank God I have you folks to lead me and help me down the path. Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my sisters and brothers.
PTBQWYT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Hang in there brother. The waves come and go but our routines see us through the hard times. The light at the end of the tunnel will be getting so much brighter soon. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and before long these feelings will be a memory. Use your tools and most importantly don't be afraid to reach out to fellow quitters and talk. It is amazing how conversations with fellow quitters recharge the quit tank. Check your messages.
You took the words right out of my mouth HAG. This is what I am feeling and experiencing too. I can't keep the thoughts out of my head and I wonder if I can keep going.
You motivate a lot of us. Thanks for being honest and sharing how you are feeling.
Thanks Red. Writing my feelings out has been amazingly therapeutic for me. After writing yesterday, i had a great conversation with my wife and spent a couple hours reading the early pages of @walterwhite (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=55) "s Intro. It recharged me. I'm realizing I'm right where I should be...Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. I have to be patient. I have to actively try to see the good/fun in things instead of dwelling on something I NEED to move on from. Maybe I need to change my life a bit. Easier said than done...
The truth is, at this point I guess I'm having more good days than bad. The good days are not reflected in this intro section but they are there. I'm going to try to change some things up. Today is a new day. I can quit for today. I'm proud to be quit. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
Hag...
Thanks for putting your experience out there for all of us... it helps more than you know to see someone fighting the same fight. I really like your response to your negative self. I also find myself getting down, fighting daily to be positive. Then some days I will step back and realize how far I’ve come. One thing that is hard to wrap my head around is how much this addiction has conditioned our bodies, and brains. Quitting is not for the weak that’s for sure.
Change your mindset…change your life. What do you think will be easier? Having to do something or WANTING and EXCITED about doing something. Quitting is freaking hard. It is the biggest mind game I have ever done. Just when you think you got this…it comes crashing down. If you are excited about quitting. If you HATE nicotine with a passion. Quitting is so much easier.
Keep writing your thoughts out. I really enjoyed reading and understood your thought process. You are not alone. One day you will forget all about your struggles. You will be able to reread your introductions so that you will never forget!
It does get better…so much better. Just keep quitting ODAAT and anything is possible.
Proud to quit with you today. Let me know if you ever need anything.
Great advice @walterwhite (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=55) . I know what you say is truth but seeing it through has been challenging for me at times. I'm content, though...for the moment anyway. I'm doing enough! I need to make some changes to my life; need to find pleasure in other things and be more grateful for the blessed life I lead. But I'm convinced this too will happen in time. Until then, WUPP EEDD (Early Every Damn Day), strengthen my quit by supporting others, and learn as much as I can about our enemy. That's my plan....until the next time I get swallowed by the funk and we have to do this all over again.
When I was in a funk I would always go for a run. During that run I would keep my thoughts positive. I would tell myself that today might not be a great but tomorrow WILL be. You can either live your life wallowing in self-pity or you can start believing in yourself and make things happen. Successful people make things happen. Use how you quit nicotine to help you with other things in your life you want to improve. ODAAT works for everything. Today is a great day.
-
DAY 225
Sometimes I think I just can't do my life anymore without my crutch. I take it off the table every morning. I've made the decision not to use today, as I have for the previous 224 days, but it's always right there. Whispering. Urging. It's not as persistent or painful as it was in the beginning, but it's still there. It amazes me how tenacious this addiction is. Multiple times a day the nic bitch tells me that whatever it is that I'm doing, it would be better/more fun/more manageable/less stressful/etc with a dip. I can't seem to stop these micro-second reminders of my past life. It's taxing and weighs on me greatly. My greatest fear is that it begins to affect my family more than it already has.
I know I can't go back. I've decided that the next time I put a dip in my mouth, I better be ready for the consequences. I'm not ready to die. I've tried not to look over my shoulder. I know there is nothing for me back there. Considering what I just wrote, it should not be so hard to swat those urges away and tell the bitch to F off. At this point, most times I can. But there are times when it lingers. I obsess over it and it owns me for a period of time. These times make me question my motivations = door cracked for the bitch.
I'd like to end this rant with some positive words of encouragement, as I usually do, but I'm not feeling it today. I made my promise this morning so I'm not concerned about a cave. I intend to rush to the site first thing tomorrow to make my promise so I don't have an option for tomorrow as well. I'm quit and intend to stay that way. I "enjoyed" this addiction for years (fucked up use of words considering I "enjoyed" something that was killing me) and it's time to pay the piper. I will serve my penance and push through. Thank God I have you folks to lead me and help me down the path. Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my sisters and brothers.
PTBQWYT my friends.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Hang in there brother. The waves come and go but our routines see us through the hard times. The light at the end of the tunnel will be getting so much brighter soon. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and before long these feelings will be a memory. Use your tools and most importantly don't be afraid to reach out to fellow quitters and talk. It is amazing how conversations with fellow quitters recharge the quit tank. Check your messages.
You took the words right out of my mouth HAG. This is what I am feeling and experiencing too. I can't keep the thoughts out of my head and I wonder if I can keep going.
You motivate a lot of us. Thanks for being honest and sharing how you are feeling.
Thanks Red. Writing my feelings out has been amazingly therapeutic for me. After writing yesterday, i had a great conversation with my wife and spent a couple hours reading the early pages of @walterwhite (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=55) "s Intro. It recharged me. I'm realizing I'm right where I should be...Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. I have to be patient. I have to actively try to see the good/fun in things instead of dwelling on something I NEED to move on from. Maybe I need to change my life a bit. Easier said than done...
The truth is, at this point I guess I'm having more good days than bad. The good days are not reflected in this intro section but they are there. I'm going to try to change some things up. Today is a new day. I can quit for today. I'm proud to be quit. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
Hag...
Thanks for putting your experience out there for all of us... it helps more than you know to see someone fighting the same fight. I really like your response to your negative self. I also find myself getting down, fighting daily to be positive. Then some days I will step back and realize how far I’ve come. One thing that is hard to wrap my head around is how much this addiction has conditioned our bodies, and brains. Quitting is not for the weak that’s for sure.
Change your mindset…change your life. What do you think will be easier? Having to do something or WANTING and EXCITED about doing something. Quitting is freaking hard. It is the biggest mind game I have ever done. Just when you think you got this…it comes crashing down. If you are excited about quitting. If you HATE nicotine with a passion. Quitting is so much easier.
Keep writing your thoughts out. I really enjoyed reading and understood your thought process. You are not alone. One day you will forget all about your struggles. You will be able to reread your introductions so that you will never forget!
It does get better…so much better. Just keep quitting ODAAT and anything is possible.
Proud to quit with you today. Let me know if you ever need anything.
Great advice @walterwhite (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=55) . I know what you say is truth but seeing it through has been challenging for me at times. I'm content, though...for the moment anyway. I'm doing enough! I need to make some changes to my life; need to find pleasure in other things and be more grateful for the blessed life I lead. But I'm convinced this too will happen in time. Until then, WUPP EEDD (Early Every Damn Day), strengthen my quit by supporting others, and learn as much as I can about our enemy. That's my plan....until the next time I get swallowed by the funk and we have to do this all over again.
When I was in a funk I would always go for a run. During that run I would keep my thoughts positive. I would tell myself that today might not be a great but tomorrow WILL be. You can either live your life wallowing in self-pity or you can start believing in yourself and make things happen. Successful people make things happen. Use how you quit nicotine to help you with other things in your life you want to improve. ODAAT works for everything. Today is a great day.
Wow! This what makes KTC Work! The nuts and bolts of the Quit. I sincerely appreciate you all sharing this. Kinda like a handful of gravel under a slipping tire, traction to make it up the hill, that little extra confimation that we are not alone and it CAN BE DONE. "ODAAT Works For Everything" Love It. Thanks! PTQWYT
-
In an attempt to not only write when I'm in the suck, I thought I'd relate how the weekend went for me. My wife left Thursday for 5 days away from home. She travels several times a year. In the past, this was the perfect time for me to cave on my quit. It has happened multiple times over the years. I stop for several days or weeks...wife away from home= good excuse for me to cave due to the stress of managing life plus 4 kiddos on my own. This happened enough that, for the last several years, my wife would avoid traveling (to the best of her ability) if I had an active quit/stop going. She'd actually tell me that she would not go b/c she did not want me to cave. I'd reassure her and cave anyway. WHAT A DOUCHE!!
To add to the fun, I spent ~8hrs in the car Saturday alone, driving the kids to various hockey and lacrosse commitments all over the east coast. I had cravings...it crossed my mind...It sucked at times...I had to lean on my daily text buddies but I made it through. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have caved without KTC.
Anyone can not do something for a day. I've not used nicotine, a substance to which I am EXTREMELY addicted, one day at a time, for 233 days in a row. Not a chance I could have done this without all of you in my corner.
LURKERS- If you want to quit. If you are tired of the guilt, the embarrassment, the fear of a devastating diagnosis. STOP!! Post roll. If I can do this, you can. Pull the trigger...NOW.
-
In an attempt to not only write when I'm in the suck, I thought I'd relate how the weekend went for me. My wife left Thursday for 5 days away from home. She travels several times a year. In the past, this was the perfect time for me to cave on my quit. It has happened multiple times over the years. I stop for several days or weeks...wife away from home= good excuse for me to cave due to the stress of managing life plus 4 kiddos on my own. This happened enough that, for the last several years, my wife would avoid traveling (to the best of her ability) if I had an active quit/stop going. She'd actually tell me that she would not go b/c she did not want me to cave. I'd reassure her and cave anyway. WHAT A DOUCHE!!
To add to the fun, I spent ~8hrs in the car Saturday alone, driving the kids to various hockey and lacrosse commitments all over the east coast. I had cravings...it crossed my mind...It sucked at times...I had to lean on my daily text buddies but I made it through. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have caved without KTC.
Anyone can not do something for a day. I've not used nicotine, a substance to which I am EXTREMELY addicted, one day at a time, for 233 days in a row. Not a chance I could have done this without all of you in my corner.
LURKERS- If you want to quit. If you are tired of the guilt, the embarrassment, the fear of a devastating diagnosis. STOP!! Post roll. If I can do this, you can. Pull the trigger...NOW.
Celebrate those wins!! You did what every guy who has caved didnt...reached out to your contacts and pushed through. Here is to better days ahead!!
'Sing and Drink'
-
As this pandemic spreads and we get busier and busier and the stress and hours build, I can hear the bitch SCREAMING. These are the times when I used to really lean on the nic crutch. I'm good but please keep your eyes and ears on for me in the next several weeks. This will be my biggest challenge thus far.
Holding the line.
~HAG
-
As this pandemic spreads and we get busier and busier and the stress and hours build, I can hear the bitch SCREAMING. These are the times when I used to really lean on the nic crutch. I'm good but please keep your eyes and ears on for me in the next several weeks. This will be my biggest challenge thus far.
Holding the line.
~HAG
Hold steady. Make your promise every day and know you aren't alone.
"Make it through today"
-
As this pandemic spreads and we get busier and busier and the stress and hours build, I can hear the bitch SCREAMING. These are the times when I used to really lean on the nic crutch. I'm good but please keep your eyes and ears on for me in the next several weeks. This will be my biggest challenge thus far.
Holding the line.
~HAG
Hold steady. Make your promise every day and know you aren't alone.
"Make it through today"
1 problem + nicotine = 2 problems It is never the solution
-
As this pandemic spreads and we get busier and busier and the stress and hours build, I can hear the bitch SCREAMING. These are the times when I used to really lean on the nic crutch. I'm good but please keep your eyes and ears on for me in the next several weeks. This will be my biggest challenge thus far.
Holding the line.
~HAG
Why do you want to do it? Your mind is pretty much healed from the damage. I don't think nicotine helped me in any way of doing anything... probably made things harder. It wont make your job easier, it wont make you feel good and its not a crutch. Its just some addictive shit that is made to get our money and take away our time in this world. You have done so much good for a lot of people in here and out there doing your job, do some good for yourself and stop putting that shit on a pedestal. You are awesome and tobacco is just a stupid dead plant (:
-
As this pandemic spreads and we get busier and busier and the stress and hours build, I can hear the bitch SCREAMING. These are the times when I used to really lean on the nic crutch. I'm good but please keep your eyes and ears on for me in the next several weeks. This will be my biggest challenge thus far.
Holding the line.
~HAG
Why do you want to do it? Your mind is pretty much healed from the damage. I don't think nicotine helped me in any way of doing anything... probably made things harder. It wont make your job easier, it wont make you feel good and its not a crutch. Its just some addictive shit that is made to get our money and take away our time in this world. You have done so much good for a lot of people in here and out there doing your job, do some good for yourself and stop putting that shit on a pedestal. You are awesome and tobacco is just a stupid dead plant (:
Of course, you guys are right. I was pretty stressed about the unknown and what it was going to mean for my crew, my family, and myself. When I went back and read it yesterday, I couldn't help but notice the addict speak. Part of why this place works. If I did not have this place, I'm pretty sure I would have convinced myself that it was OK (just until this thing blows over) and I would have caved. Made my promise which took it off the table for the day. Woke up the next day and saw the error in my thinking. Thanks for keeping me straight Y'all...until next time.
Holding the line
-
DAY 257
Status quo I guess. I know I've said this before but I'm shocked how much control this substance has over me. Still craving quite a bit although they are much more manageable. Nicotine continues to be my brain's answer for everything. Have to bring out trash...first split second thought through my brain is "that sucky chore would be better with a dip...OH SHIT. NONE FOR YOU"....over and over again, all day long, for just about everything I do. BUT...these thoughts come and go quicker than they did at the beginning and have much less bite. So why the fuck are you complaining? Just blogging it out man. Carry on.
Holding the line...
-
Just wanted to share some love and say thank you for being such an awesome quitter. You're here helping so many others across the boards. It's great to see others really buying in and having the enthusiasm to share the knowledge. Keep up the great work and PTBQWY
-
Just wanted to share some love and say thank you for being such an awesome quitter. You're here helping so many others across the boards. It's great to see others really buying in and having the enthusiasm to share the knowledge. Keep up the great work and PTBQWY
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) I second this! Proud to be holdin the line with you brother!
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Just wanted to share some love and say thank you for being such an awesome quitter. You're here helping so many others across the boards. It's great to see others really buying in and having the enthusiasm to share the knowledge. Keep up the great work and PTBQWY
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879) I second this! Proud to be holdin the line with you brother!
@ankape (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=15914)
@Bug Guy (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=1866)
That means a lot coming from you two. However, you give me too much credit. You two know the best way to strengthen your quit is to put yourself out there and help others. I make my promise early b/c I still spend a good amount of time during the day just barely hanging on. Blogging out my challenges and sharing thoughts and strategies empowers me to keep my word...to you fine folks...to my family...TO MYSELF (for a change). Honored to be quit with you two and glad to see you on the boards again tonight Bug.
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DAY 267
Had one of those "F' IT" craves yesterday. You know the kind. "F' IT! I'm done quitting. I'm on my way to the F'ing store!"
It came out of nowhere. I've actually been feeling pretty good. Wasn't particularly stressed or overwhelmed. No anxiety nor depression. At this point in MY quit, I crave pretty consistently but they are weak ass bitches and I can laugh most of them away toot sweet. But the nic bitch persists. She lurks but does not engage. She is storing her energy...planning her next attack. She has been beaten down in the short term. The frequency and strength of her taunts have diminished. BUT...she lives for another day and concentrates her attack into one massive blow.
I was on my way yesterday. I have been there before. "F' IT! I've proven I can do this. When the shit clears, I'll quit for good." Got that tingle all over my body when my brain had convinced all my synapses to get ready...that blast of nicotine you've been waiting for is only minutes away! I could feel that initial blast of dopamine.
What stopped me? I MADE MY PROMISE!!! EVERY time I said "F' IT" in the past, I've caved. This was a hell of a crave...first class shit. But I could not go back on my word. I could not disrespect the people who have sacrificed for me countless times over the past ~8 months. These are people I've never met face to face...yet I know, with NO hesitation, that they care about me and my journey.
This monster crave was gone minutes later and I went on with my day. I had my phone out, with KTC contacts at the ready, but I didn't need that tool this time. For those lurkers...if you're reading this, you've probably had an "F' IT" cave in the past. If you want to quit and fight through that "F' IT" crave, join KTC and post roll NOW. No doubt in my mind, it's your best chance at success.
Hold that line folks.
~HAG
-
DAY 267
Had one of those "F' IT" craves yesterday. You know the kind. "F' IT! I'm done quitting. I'm on my way to the F'ing store!"
It came out of nowhere. I've actually been feeling pretty good. Wasn't particularly stressed or overwhelmed. No anxiety nor depression. At this point in MY quit, I crave pretty consistently but they are weak ass bitches and I can laugh most of them away toot sweet. But the nic bitch persists. She lurks but does not engage. She is storing her energy...planning her next attack. She has been beaten down in the short term. The frequency and strength of her taunts have diminished. BUT...she lives for another day and concentrates her attack into one massive blow.
I was on my way yesterday. I have been there before. "F' IT! I've proven I can do this. When the shit clears, I'll quit for good." Got that tingle all over my body when my brain had convinced all my synapses to get ready...that blast of nicotine you've been waiting for is only minutes away! I could feel that initial blast of dopamine.
What stopped me? I MADE MY PROMISE!!! EVERY time I said "F' IT" in the past, I've caved. This was a hell of a crave...first class shit. But I could not go back on my word. I could not disrespect the people who have sacrificed for me countless times over the past ~8 months. These are people I've never met face to face...yet I know, with NO hesitation, that they care about me and my journey.
This monster crave was gone minutes later and I went on with my day. I had my phone out, with KTC contacts at the ready, but I didn't need that tool this time. For those lurkers...if you're reading this, you've probably had an "F' IT" cave in the past. If you want to quit and fight through that "F' IT" crave, join KTC and post roll NOW. No doubt in my mind, it's your best chance at success.
Hold that line folks.
~HAG
Dang man. I know exactly what you are talking about. Those F it craves are intense. I have had times where I was driving down the road screaming as loud as I could because there was a battle going on inside of me. I was headed to the gas station, then made a U turn, then another U turn, and again and again. You almost lose control for a time. BUT, like you said, You posted roll today. Caving is not an option. You can’t break your promise. There have been days where that is the reason I stayed quit. You can call me or text me anytime you need. I am proud of you brother and holding that line with you.
-
DAY 267
Had one of those "F' IT" craves yesterday. You know the kind. "F' IT! I'm done quitting. I'm on my way to the F'ing store!"
It came out of nowhere. I've actually been feeling pretty good. Wasn't particularly stressed or overwhelmed. No anxiety nor depression. At this point in MY quit, I crave pretty consistently but they are weak ass bitches and I can laugh most of them away toot sweet. But the nic bitch persists. She lurks but does not engage. She is storing her energy...planning her next attack. She has been beaten down in the short term. The frequency and strength of her taunts have diminished. BUT...she lives for another day and concentrates her attack into one massive blow.
I was on my way yesterday. I have been there before. "F' IT! I've proven I can do this. When the shit clears, I'll quit for good." Got that tingle all over my body when my brain had convinced all my synapses to get ready...that blast of nicotine you've been waiting for is only minutes away! I could feel that initial blast of dopamine.
What stopped me? I MADE MY PROMISE!!! EVERY time I said "F' IT" in the past, I've caved. This was a hell of a crave...first class shit. But I could not go back on my word. I could not disrespect the people who have sacrificed for me countless times over the past ~8 months. These are people I've never met face to face...yet I know, with NO hesitation, that they care about me and my journey.
This monster crave was gone minutes later and I went on with my day. I had my phone out, with KTC contacts at the ready, but I didn't need that tool this time. For those lurkers...if you're reading this, you've probably had an "F' IT" cave in the past. If you want to quit and fight through that "F' IT" crave, join KTC and post roll NOW. No doubt in my mind, it's your best chance at success.
Hold that line folks.
~HAG
Dang man. I know exactly what you are talking about. Those F it craves are intense. I have had times where I was driving down the road screaming as loud as I could because there was a battle going on inside of me. I was headed to the gas station, then made a U turn, then another U turn, and again and again. You almost lose control for a time. BUT, like you said, You posted roll today. Caving is not an option. You can’t break your promise. There have been days where that is the reason I stayed quit. You can call me or text me anytime you need. I am proud of you brother and holding that line with you.
HAhaha. I've done the multiple turn around...sit for ever in the parking lot, thing in the past as well.
Thanks for the support Red. Right back at ya. PTBQWYT my friend.
-
DAY 267
Had one of those "F' IT" craves yesterday. You know the kind. "F' IT! I'm done quitting. I'm on my way to the F'ing store!"
It came out of nowhere. I've actually been feeling pretty good. Wasn't particularly stressed or overwhelmed. No anxiety nor depression. At this point in MY quit, I crave pretty consistently but they are weak ass bitches and I can laugh most of them away toot sweet. But the nic bitch persists. She lurks but does not engage. She is storing her energy...planning her next attack. She has been beaten down in the short term. The frequency and strength of her taunts have diminished. BUT...she lives for another day and concentrates her attack into one massive blow.
I was on my way yesterday. I have been there before. "F' IT! I've proven I can do this. When the shit clears, I'll quit for good." Got that tingle all over my body when my brain had convinced all my synapses to get ready...that blast of nicotine you've been waiting for is only minutes away! I could feel that initial blast of dopamine.
What stopped me? I MADE MY PROMISE!!! EVERY time I said "F' IT" in the past, I've caved. This was a hell of a crave...first class shit. But I could not go back on my word. I could not disrespect the people who have sacrificed for me countless times over the past ~8 months. These are people I've never met face to face...yet I know, with NO hesitation, that they care about me and my journey.
This monster crave was gone minutes later and I went on with my day. I had my phone out, with KTC contacts at the ready, but I didn't need that tool this time. For those lurkers...if you're reading this, you've probably had an "F' IT" cave in the past. If you want to quit and fight through that "F' IT" crave, join KTC and post roll NOW. No doubt in my mind, it's your best chance at success.
Hold that line folks.
~HAG
Dang man. I know exactly what you are talking about. Those F it craves are intense. I have had times where I was driving down the road screaming as loud as I could because there was a battle going on inside of me. I was headed to the gas station, then made a U turn, then another U turn, and again and again. You almost lose control for a time. BUT, like you said, You posted roll today. Caving is not an option. You can’t break your promise. There have been days where that is the reason I stayed quit. You can call me or text me anytime you need. I am proud of you brother and holding that line with you.
HAhaha. I've done the multiple turn around...sit for ever in the parking lot, thing in the past as well.
Thanks for the support Red. Right back at ya. PTBQWYT my friend.
Great win brother. You know you have people here that care about you. Reach out as needed.
-
Day 299
I haven't posted here for awhile mostly because things have been largely status quo...with a couple exceptions:
The cold sweats and anxiety that were quite frequent early in my quit have mostly gone away; with the exception of once a week...most weeks. I work two 24hr shifts a week plus overtime (which has mostly gone away since the pandemic). This schedule means I have 5 days off in a row, every week. On the morning of my first day of work, I'm still waking up at 4am (2 hrs before my alarm goes off)...cold sweats and a racing heart. This obviously has to do with the stress I'm about to walk into but I do not feel particularly more stressed on these days. I'm not a new employee; I've been doing this for ~16 years and am quite confident and comfortable in my role. Yet, since my first day quit in July until now, I wake up in this condition.
The good news is that, at the beginning, this was a common occurrence most mornings and, as my quit matured, it settled down to only on the days I had to go into the station. Somewhere in the last several weeks, it's limited itself to just on the morning of my first day. Hoping that if I hold the line for long enough, this too will pass.
Cravings are STILL a major battle. I wonder if I'm unique in the fact that, at nearly 300 days quit, I still have multiple triggers and cravings an hour, throughout the day. Like most here, I used nicotine for EVERY situation. When my brain changes gear and I'm on to a different project or train of thought, my first thought is still to stuff my lip. These many cravings used to crush me in the early days. I'd often have to stop what I was doing and, teeth clenched and white knuckled, fight through the crave. Although some of these cravings are tough to work through, at this point most are easily cursed and pushed aside. But they are still there and are a constant reminder of, according to my brain and dopamine receptors, a "better" time. Anyone else with similar days having a similar experience? Vets- did you go through this?
Overall, the more space and time I put between my last pinch and the present, the better I feel and the easier this gets. However, I'm keenly aware that without this place, without the accountability and the connections I've made with fellow quitters, I'd be back to a can a day and feeling like a fraud and a terrible role model for my kids. For this, I owe KTC and the larger KTC community a huge debt of gratitude. That being said, I"M AN ADDICT. I'm one spur of the moment bad decision away from a new day 1 or worse. I think I'll stick around and post roll for awhile longer. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my crew over the last ~300 days.
Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my honorable brothers and sisters in quit!!
~HAG
-
Day 299
I haven't posted here for awhile mostly because things have been largely status quo...with a couple exceptions:
The cold sweats and anxiety that were quite frequent early in my quit have mostly gone away; with the exception of once a week...most weeks. I work two 24hr shifts a week plus overtime (which has mostly gone away since the pandemic). This schedule means I have 5 days off in a row, every week. On the morning of my first day of work, I'm still waking up at 4am (2 hrs before my alarm goes off)...cold sweats and a racing heart. This obviously has to do with the stress I'm about to walk into but I do not feel particularly more stressed on these days. I'm not a new employee; I've been doing this for ~16 years and am quite confident and comfortable in my role. Yet, since my first day quit in July until now, I wake up in this condition.
The good news is that, at the beginning, this was a common occurrence most mornings and, as my quit matured, it settled down to only on the days I had to go into the station. Somewhere in the last several weeks, it's limited itself to just on the morning of my first day. Hoping that if I hold the line for long enough, this too will pass.
Cravings are STILL a major battle. I wonder if I'm unique in the fact that, at nearly 300 days quit, I still have multiple triggers and cravings an hour, throughout the day. Like most here, I used nicotine for EVERY situation. When my brain changes gear and I'm on to a different project or train of thought, my first thought is still to stuff my lip. These many cravings used to crush me in the early days. I'd often have to stop what I was doing and, teeth clenched and white knuckled, fight through the crave. Although some of these cravings are tough to work through, at this point most are easily cursed and pushed aside. But they are still there and are a constant reminder of, according to my brain and dopamine receptors, a "better" time. Anyone else with similar days having a similar experience? Vets- did you go through this?
Overall, the more space and time I put between my last pinch and the present, the better I feel and the easier this gets. However, I'm keenly aware that without this place, without the accountability and the connections I've made with fellow quitters, I'd be back to a can a day and feeling like a fraud and a terrible role model for my kids. For this, I owe KTC and the larger KTC community a huge debt of gratitude. That being said, I"M AN ADDICT. I'm one spur of the moment bad decision away from a new day 1 or worse. I think I'll stick around and post roll for awhile longer. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my crew over the last ~300 days.
Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my honorable brothers and sisters in quit!!
~HAG
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Keep doing what you are doing ODAAT. The light at the end of the tunnel will keep getting brighter and brighter. I can tell you things at 583 days are much better than 300. Just keep plowing ahead and enjoy the freedom. Reach out if I can help.
-
Day 299
I haven't posted here for awhile mostly because things have been largely status quo...with a couple exceptions:
The cold sweats and anxiety that were quite frequent early in my quit have mostly gone away; with the exception of once a week...most weeks. I work two 24hr shifts a week plus overtime (which has mostly gone away since the pandemic). This schedule means I have 5 days off in a row, every week. On the morning of my first day of work, I'm still waking up at 4am (2 hrs before my alarm goes off)...cold sweats and a racing heart. This obviously has to do with the stress I'm about to walk into but I do not feel particularly more stressed on these days. I'm not a new employee; I've been doing this for ~16 years and am quite confident and comfortable in my role. Yet, since my first day quit in July until now, I wake up in this condition.
The good news is that, at the beginning, this was a common occurrence most mornings and, as my quit matured, it settled down to only on the days I had to go into the station. Somewhere in the last several weeks, it's limited itself to just on the morning of my first day. Hoping that if I hold the line for long enough, this too will pass.
Cravings are STILL a major battle. I wonder if I'm unique in the fact that, at nearly 300 days quit, I still have multiple triggers and cravings an hour, throughout the day. Like most here, I used nicotine for EVERY situation. When my brain changes gear and I'm on to a different project or train of thought, my first thought is still to stuff my lip. These many cravings used to crush me in the early days. I'd often have to stop what I was doing and, teeth clenched and white knuckled, fight through the crave. Although some of these cravings are tough to work through, at this point most are easily cursed and pushed aside. But they are still there and are a constant reminder of, according to my brain and dopamine receptors, a "better" time. Anyone else with similar days having a similar experience? Vets- did you go through this?
Overall, the more space and time I put between my last pinch and the present, the better I feel and the easier this gets. However, I'm keenly aware that without this place, without the accountability and the connections I've made with fellow quitters, I'd be back to a can a day and feeling like a fraud and a terrible role model for my kids. For this, I owe KTC and the larger KTC community a huge debt of gratitude. That being said, I"M AN ADDICT. I'm one spur of the moment bad decision away from a new day 1 or worse. I think I'll stick around and post roll for awhile longer. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my crew over the last ~300 days.
Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my honorable brothers and sisters in quit!!
~HAG
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Keep doing what you are doing ODAAT. The light at the end of the tunnel will keep getting brighter and brighter. I can tell you things at 583 days are much better than 300. Just keep plowing ahead and enjoy the freedom. Reach out if I can help.
Thanks for sharing, HAG. The fight continues, it helps to know what is ahead. We are all stronger for your battle. Proud to Quit You!
~Olcpo
-
Day 299
I haven't posted here for awhile mostly because things have been largely status quo...with a couple exceptions:
The cold sweats and anxiety that were quite frequent early in my quit have mostly gone away; with the exception of once a week...most weeks. I work two 24hr shifts a week plus overtime (which has mostly gone away since the pandemic). This schedule means I have 5 days off in a row, every week. On the morning of my first day of work, I'm still waking up at 4am (2 hrs before my alarm goes off)...cold sweats and a racing heart. This obviously has to do with the stress I'm about to walk into but I do not feel particularly more stressed on these days. I'm not a new employee; I've been doing this for ~16 years and am quite confident and comfortable in my role. Yet, since my first day quit in July until now, I wake up in this condition.
The good news is that, at the beginning, this was a common occurrence most mornings and, as my quit matured, it settled down to only on the days I had to go into the station. Somewhere in the last several weeks, it's limited itself to just on the morning of my first day. Hoping that if I hold the line for long enough, this too will pass.
Cravings are STILL a major battle. I wonder if I'm unique in the fact that, at nearly 300 days quit, I still have multiple triggers and cravings an hour, throughout the day. Like most here, I used nicotine for EVERY situation. When my brain changes gear and I'm on to a different project or train of thought, my first thought is still to stuff my lip. These many cravings used to crush me in the early days. I'd often have to stop what I was doing and, teeth clenched and white knuckled, fight through the crave. Although some of these cravings are tough to work through, at this point most are easily cursed and pushed aside. But they are still there and are a constant reminder of, according to my brain and dopamine receptors, a "better" time. Anyone else with similar days having a similar experience? Vets- did you go through this?
Overall, the more space and time I put between my last pinch and the present, the better I feel and the easier this gets. However, I'm keenly aware that without this place, without the accountability and the connections I've made with fellow quitters, I'd be back to a can a day and feeling like a fraud and a terrible role model for my kids. For this, I owe KTC and the larger KTC community a huge debt of gratitude. That being said, I"M AN ADDICT. I'm one spur of the moment bad decision away from a new day 1 or worse. I think I'll stick around and post roll for awhile longer. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my crew over the last ~300 days.
Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my honorable brothers and sisters in quit!!
~HAG
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Keep doing what you are doing ODAAT. The light at the end of the tunnel will keep getting brighter and brighter. I can tell you things at 583 days are much better than 300. Just keep plowing ahead and enjoy the freedom. Reach out if I can help.
Thanks for sharing, HAG. The fight continues, it helps to know what is ahead. We are all stronger for your battle. Proud to Quit You!
~Olcpo
Proud to be quit with you Hag, and our group is lucky to have you. I honestly got pretty burned out after the whole conducting thing and haven’t been as involved the last hundred days. I needed to read this and your “F it” post below. Fighting those same craves every day with you brother.
-
Day 299
I haven't posted here for awhile mostly because things have been largely status quo...with a couple exceptions:
The cold sweats and anxiety that were quite frequent early in my quit have mostly gone away; with the exception of once a week...most weeks. I work two 24hr shifts a week plus overtime (which has mostly gone away since the pandemic). This schedule means I have 5 days off in a row, every week. On the morning of my first day of work, I'm still waking up at 4am (2 hrs before my alarm goes off)...cold sweats and a racing heart. This obviously has to do with the stress I'm about to walk into but I do not feel particularly more stressed on these days. I'm not a new employee; I've been doing this for ~16 years and am quite confident and comfortable in my role. Yet, since my first day quit in July until now, I wake up in this condition.
The good news is that, at the beginning, this was a common occurrence most mornings and, as my quit matured, it settled down to only on the days I had to go into the station. Somewhere in the last several weeks, it's limited itself to just on the morning of my first day. Hoping that if I hold the line for long enough, this too will pass.
Cravings are STILL a major battle. I wonder if I'm unique in the fact that, at nearly 300 days quit, I still have multiple triggers and cravings an hour, throughout the day. Like most here, I used nicotine for EVERY situation. When my brain changes gear and I'm on to a different project or train of thought, my first thought is still to stuff my lip. These many cravings used to crush me in the early days. I'd often have to stop what I was doing and, teeth clenched and white knuckled, fight through the crave. Although some of these cravings are tough to work through, at this point most are easily cursed and pushed aside. But they are still there and are a constant reminder of, according to my brain and dopamine receptors, a "better" time. Anyone else with similar days having a similar experience? Vets- did you go through this?
Overall, the more space and time I put between my last pinch and the present, the better I feel and the easier this gets. However, I'm keenly aware that without this place, without the accountability and the connections I've made with fellow quitters, I'd be back to a can a day and feeling like a fraud and a terrible role model for my kids. For this, I owe KTC and the larger KTC community a huge debt of gratitude. That being said, I"M AN ADDICT. I'm one spur of the moment bad decision away from a new day 1 or worse. I think I'll stick around and post roll for awhile longer. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my crew over the last ~300 days.
Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my honorable brothers and sisters in quit!!
~HAG
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Keep doing what you are doing ODAAT. The light at the end of the tunnel will keep getting brighter and brighter. I can tell you things at 583 days are much better than 300. Just keep plowing ahead and enjoy the freedom. Reach out if I can help.
Thanks for sharing, HAG. The fight continues, it helps to know what is ahead. We are all stronger for your battle. Proud to Quit You!
~Olcpo
Proud to be quit with you Hag, and our group is lucky to have you. I honestly got pretty burned out after the whole conducting thing and haven’t been as involved the last hundred days. I needed to read this and your “F it” post below. Fighting those same craves every day with you brother.
Thank you for posting some great material such as this. Definitely hits home and reminds me that we're not in this alone. You are absolutely doing it the right way, so continue to lead the way. Proud to be quit with you my friend.
-
Day 299
I haven't posted here for awhile mostly because things have been largely status quo...with a couple exceptions:
The cold sweats and anxiety that were quite frequent early in my quit have mostly gone away; with the exception of once a week...most weeks. I work two 24hr shifts a week plus overtime (which has mostly gone away since the pandemic). This schedule means I have 5 days off in a row, every week. On the morning of my first day of work, I'm still waking up at 4am (2 hrs before my alarm goes off)...cold sweats and a racing heart. This obviously has to do with the stress I'm about to walk into but I do not feel particularly more stressed on these days. I'm not a new employee; I've been doing this for ~16 years and am quite confident and comfortable in my role. Yet, since my first day quit in July until now, I wake up in this condition.
The good news is that, at the beginning, this was a common occurrence most mornings and, as my quit matured, it settled down to only on the days I had to go into the station. Somewhere in the last several weeks, it's limited itself to just on the morning of my first day. Hoping that if I hold the line for long enough, this too will pass.
Cravings are STILL a major battle. I wonder if I'm unique in the fact that, at nearly 300 days quit, I still have multiple triggers and cravings an hour, throughout the day. Like most here, I used nicotine for EVERY situation. When my brain changes gear and I'm on to a different project or train of thought, my first thought is still to stuff my lip. These many cravings used to crush me in the early days. I'd often have to stop what I was doing and, teeth clenched and white knuckled, fight through the crave. Although some of these cravings are tough to work through, at this point most are easily cursed and pushed aside. But they are still there and are a constant reminder of, according to my brain and dopamine receptors, a "better" time. Anyone else with similar days having a similar experience? Vets- did you go through this?
Overall, the more space and time I put between my last pinch and the present, the better I feel and the easier this gets. However, I'm keenly aware that without this place, without the accountability and the connections I've made with fellow quitters, I'd be back to a can a day and feeling like a fraud and a terrible role model for my kids. For this, I owe KTC and the larger KTC community a huge debt of gratitude. That being said, I"M AN ADDICT. I'm one spur of the moment bad decision away from a new day 1 or worse. I think I'll stick around and post roll for awhile longer. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my crew over the last ~300 days.
Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my honorable brothers and sisters in quit!!
~HAG
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Keep doing what you are doing ODAAT. The light at the end of the tunnel will keep getting brighter and brighter. I can tell you things at 583 days are much better than 300. Just keep plowing ahead and enjoy the freedom. Reach out if I can help.
Thanks for sharing, HAG. The fight continues, it helps to know what is ahead. We are all stronger for your battle. Proud to Quit You!
~Olcpo
Proud to be quit with you Hag, and our group is lucky to have you. I honestly got pretty burned out after the whole conducting thing and haven’t been as involved the last hundred days. I needed to read this and your “F it” post below. Fighting those same craves every day with you brother.
Thank you for posting some great material such as this. Definitely hits home and reminds me that we're not in this alone. You are absolutely doing it the right way, so continue to lead the way. Proud to be quit with you my friend.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
I'm proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with you holding that line brother!
-
Day 299
I haven't posted here for awhile mostly because things have been largely status quo...with a couple exceptions:
The cold sweats and anxiety that were quite frequent early in my quit have mostly gone away; with the exception of once a week...most weeks. I work two 24hr shifts a week plus overtime (which has mostly gone away since the pandemic). This schedule means I have 5 days off in a row, every week. On the morning of my first day of work, I'm still waking up at 4am (2 hrs before my alarm goes off)...cold sweats and a racing heart. This obviously has to do with the stress I'm about to walk into but I do not feel particularly more stressed on these days. I'm not a new employee; I've been doing this for ~16 years and am quite confident and comfortable in my role. Yet, since my first day quit in July until now, I wake up in this condition.
The good news is that, at the beginning, this was a common occurrence most mornings and, as my quit matured, it settled down to only on the days I had to go into the station. Somewhere in the last several weeks, it's limited itself to just on the morning of my first day. Hoping that if I hold the line for long enough, this too will pass.
Cravings are STILL a major battle. I wonder if I'm unique in the fact that, at nearly 300 days quit, I still have multiple triggers and cravings an hour, throughout the day. Like most here, I used nicotine for EVERY situation. When my brain changes gear and I'm on to a different project or train of thought, my first thought is still to stuff my lip. These many cravings used to crush me in the early days. I'd often have to stop what I was doing and, teeth clenched and white knuckled, fight through the crave. Although some of these cravings are tough to work through, at this point most are easily cursed and pushed aside. But they are still there and are a constant reminder of, according to my brain and dopamine receptors, a "better" time. Anyone else with similar days having a similar experience? Vets- did you go through this?
Overall, the more space and time I put between my last pinch and the present, the better I feel and the easier this gets. However, I'm keenly aware that without this place, without the accountability and the connections I've made with fellow quitters, I'd be back to a can a day and feeling like a fraud and a terrible role model for my kids. For this, I owe KTC and the larger KTC community a huge debt of gratitude. That being said, I"M AN ADDICT. I'm one spur of the moment bad decision away from a new day 1 or worse. I think I'll stick around and post roll for awhile longer. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my crew over the last ~300 days.
Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder, with my honorable brothers and sisters in quit!!
~HAG
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Keep doing what you are doing ODAAT. The light at the end of the tunnel will keep getting brighter and brighter. I can tell you things at 583 days are much better than 300. Just keep plowing ahead and enjoy the freedom. Reach out if I can help.
Thanks for sharing, HAG. The fight continues, it helps to know what is ahead. We are all stronger for your battle. Proud to Quit You!
~Olcpo
Proud to be quit with you Hag, and our group is lucky to have you. I honestly got pretty burned out after the whole conducting thing and haven’t been as involved the last hundred days. I needed to read this and your “F it” post below. Fighting those same craves every day with you brother.
Thank you for posting some great material such as this. Definitely hits home and reminds me that we're not in this alone. You are absolutely doing it the right way, so continue to lead the way. Proud to be quit with you my friend.
@EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
I'm proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with you holding that line brother!
Reading through your thread once again John. Thank you for taking the time to strengthen so many of us! Proudly holding that line with you brother!
~ankape
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Congrats on one year nicotine free brother. Keep kicking ass one day at a time every damn day!
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Congrats on one year nicotine free brother. Keep kicking ass one day at a time every damn day!
Thank you Franx...could never have done it without you folks.
PTBQWYT
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Congrats on one year nicotine free brother. Keep kicking ass one day at a time every damn day!
Thank you Franx...could never have done it without you folks.
PTBQWYT
Congrats man. A great accomplishment @EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
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Congrats on one year nicotine free brother. Keep kicking ass one day at a time every damn day!
Thank you Franx...could never have done it without you folks.
PTBQWYT
Congrats man. A great accomplishment @EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Thanks for all that you do hag, all of your support, of your time, for making this place work. Thanks man.
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Congrats on one year nicotine free brother. Keep kicking ass one day at a time every damn day!
Thank you Franx...could never have done it without you folks.
PTBQWYT
Congrats man. A great accomplishment @EXBEARHAG (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=14879)
Thanks for all that you do hag, all of your support, of your time, for making this place work. Thanks man.
Just following your lead Athan!! Thank you for the shout out.
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Loving the fo hundy Hag! you wear it well!
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DAY 459
Haven't checked in for awhile. Largely status quo as far as the quit goes. Not too much new to talk about. The rest of my life has been somewhat tumultuous. Seems like covid was the catalyst that began a challenging chain of events and things have piled up over the last several months. I know this does not make me unique. Many people are struggling with our new normal. What made me want to write in is a thought that went through my mind this evening. I was feeling somewhat defeated and down and the thought that a wedge in my lip would make me feel better crossed my mind. I quickly told myself that I needed one. "Nicotine would solve all my problems".
Then I remembered my former life...the old normal I guess. I'd lay awake at night stressing about what I missed, what I screwed up, which kid needed what, how I could be a better father, a better husband, etc. THEN, I'd tuck the wedge down with my tongue and remember a more immediate problem. The fact that I was helplessly addicted to Kodiak. My heart would sink as I thought about trying to quit again and how impossible that seemed. I would run my tongue along my sore gums and cringe at the thought of having to tell my wife and kids that I've been diagnosed...yes, I knew it was a possibility (probability in fact) and I continued to do it anyway. Nothing I could say would make it go away. I made my bed...time to settle in.
I've run into some tough luck lately but I'm still in a better spot than I would be if I was still sucking on that worm shit. 1 problem + Nicotine= 2 Problems!!! I thank those of you who have supported me over the last 459 days. No way I'd be here without you. I can make it through the rest of my tour. WUPP and repeat tomorrow...which will most likely be a brighter day.
HOLD THE LINE
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DAY 459
Haven't checked in for awhile. Largely status quo as far as the quit goes. Not too much new to talk about. The rest of my life has been somewhat tumultuous. Seems like covid was the catalyst that began a challenging chain of events and things have piled up over the last several months. I know this does not make me unique. Many people are struggling with our new normal. What made me want to write in is a thought that went through my mind this evening. I was feeling somewhat defeated and down and the thought that a wedge in my lip would make me feel better crossed my mind. I quickly told myself that I needed one. "Nicotine would solve all my problems".
Then I remembered my former life...the old normal I guess. I'd lay awake at night stressing about what I missed, what I screwed up, which kid needed what, how I could be a better father, a better husband, etc. THEN, I'd tuck the wedge down with my tongue and remember a more immediate problem. The fact that I was helplessly addicted to Kodiak. My heart would sink as I thought about trying to quit again and how impossible that seemed. I would run my tongue along my sore gums and cringe at the thought of having to tell my wife and kids that I've been diagnosed...yes, I knew it was a possibility (probability in fact) and I continued to do it anyway. Nothing I could say would make it go away. I made my bed...time to settle in.
I've run into some tough luck lately but I'm still in a better spot than I would be if I was still sucking on that worm shit. 1 problem + Nicotine= 2 Problems!!! I thank those of you who have supported me over the last 459 days. No way I'd be here without you. I can make it through the rest of my tour. WUPP and repeat tomorrow...which will most likely be a brighter day.
HOLD THE LINE
You have always been an inspiration to me buddy. Hang in there and Stay Strong. We can all be better at whatever (Spouse, Family Member, Parent, etc) but nicotine doesn't help with any of that. Nicotine is an abusive taker of things not a giving thing. I appreciate quitting daily just after I brush my teeth. No more sore gums and I will be damned whiter teeth too! Why did it take so long to quit? Anyway it's getting late. Be good, do great things with the family and hang in there. Cheers Mate!
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DAY 459
Haven't checked in for awhile. Largely status quo as far as the quit goes. Not too much new to talk about. The rest of my life has been somewhat tumultuous. Seems like covid was the catalyst that began a challenging chain of events and things have piled up over the last several months. I know this does not make me unique. Many people are struggling with our new normal. What made me want to write in is a thought that went through my mind this evening. I was feeling somewhat defeated and down and the thought that a wedge in my lip would make me feel better crossed my mind. I quickly told myself that I needed one. "Nicotine would solve all my problems".
Then I remembered my former life...the old normal I guess. I'd lay awake at night stressing about what I missed, what I screwed up, which kid needed what, how I could be a better father, a better husband, etc. THEN, I'd tuck the wedge down with my tongue and remember a more immediate problem. The fact that I was helplessly addicted to Kodiak. My heart would sink as I thought about trying to quit again and how impossible that seemed. I would run my tongue along my sore gums and cringe at the thought of having to tell my wife and kids that I've been diagnosed...yes, I knew it was a possibility (probability in fact) and I continued to do it anyway. Nothing I could say would make it go away. I made my bed...time to settle in.
I've run into some tough luck lately but I'm still in a better spot than I would be if I was still sucking on that worm shit. 1 problem + Nicotine= 2 Problems!!! I thank those of you who have supported me over the last 459 days. No way I'd be here without you. I can make it through the rest of my tour. WUPP and repeat tomorrow...which will most likely be a brighter day.
HOLD THE LINE
We are with you Hag. Keep doing what you are doing and posting were you feel you need to. I can bet the newbies are looking and going DANG as I know I did when any vet story came along. You got this bud, stay strong.
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DAY 459
Haven't checked in for awhile. Largely status quo as far as the quit goes. Not too much new to talk about. The rest of my life has been somewhat tumultuous. Seems like covid was the catalyst that began a challenging chain of events and things have piled up over the last several months. I know this does not make me unique. Many people are struggling with our new normal. What made me want to write in is a thought that went through my mind this evening. I was feeling somewhat defeated and down and the thought that a wedge in my lip would make me feel better crossed my mind. I quickly told myself that I needed one. "Nicotine would solve all my problems".
Then I remembered my former life...the old normal I guess. I'd lay awake at night stressing about what I missed, what I screwed up, which kid needed what, how I could be a better father, a better husband, etc. THEN, I'd tuck the wedge down with my tongue and remember a more immediate problem. The fact that I was helplessly addicted to Kodiak. My heart would sink as I thought about trying to quit again and how impossible that seemed. I would run my tongue along my sore gums and cringe at the thought of having to tell my wife and kids that I've been diagnosed...yes, I knew it was a possibility (probability in fact) and I continued to do it anyway. Nothing I could say would make it go away. I made my bed...time to settle in.
I've run into some tough luck lately but I'm still in a better spot than I would be if I was still sucking on that worm shit. 1 problem + Nicotine= 2 Problems!!! I thank those of you who have supported me over the last 459 days. No way I'd be here without you. I can make it through the rest of my tour. WUPP and repeat tomorrow...which will most likely be a brighter day.
HOLD THE LINE
We are with you Hag. Keep doing what you are doing and posting were you feel you need to. I can bet the newbies are looking and going DANG as I know I did when any vet story came along. You got this bud, stay strong.
The light keeps getting brighter. Keep quitting ODAAT and let those days add up my friend.
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HOLD THE LINE
hold the line is right! Every day is a victory, a victory for you is a victory for me. Every time someone throws in the towel it has a negative impact on the man next to him struggling. Glad you're here man! I'm clean with you today.
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Congratulations on 500! Thank you for being a big part of so many quits. Holding the line, shoulder to shoulder brother.
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500! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-tyV3DVx0Q)
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Congrats brother. Keep following that routine.
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Awesome job my man. I will always be chasing you but its an honor too..
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Thanks all!! NO WAY I'd be here without you people. It's a pleasure to be head down, shoulder to shoulder, holding the line with you!!
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Belated congrats on that half comma brother. Keep being the badass quitter and supporters that you are!
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Lurkers,
Welcome. You are here because you've been using for a while. Maybe you hide it from the people you work with? Maybe you hide it from those that love you?
Maybe you have a pain in your jaw that comes and goes? Maybe you have a spot on your inner lip or gums that is not going away? Acid reflux? High blood pressure?
You're confused. You've tried multiple times to quit in the past and have failed miserably each time...telling yourself you can have just one, you can buy one can a week, you can use only when drinking, with friends. You think you should quit but think it's too hard. What's the point of putting yourself, and everyone else in your life, through the process if you are only going to end up back to where you are now?
You feel alone. You want to involve others in your life in this decision but, once you do, you're committed and others will hold you to it. So you keep it to yourself. You're silently screaming inside and the pressure is building
You're ashamed in front of your children because you know you are setting the wrong example but won't/can't stop. Perhaps you're a FRAUD to those you care about...touting healthy lifestyles while shoving that shit in your lip? Your kids know you are up to something and you lie about it. They know you are lying but let it go because they can tell it's something you are trying to hide from them.
How do I know how you feel? Read my blog below. I was where you are. The above is my story. If my story is dissimilar to yours, I guarantee you can find a quitter here who's story is closer.
You are here so you KNOW you have to do it. After almost 3 decades of using and dozens of quit attempts, this is the only system that has worked for me. Read everything you care to on these boards. Commit to the system. Post your promise not to use for TODAY only. Embrace the suck and lean on those that have walked the path before you. Wake and repeat. Not easy but a simple plan to follow. You can do this and there are lots of us here to help.
There's no time like the present. You know it will not get any easier. Take the leap...you will never regret it.
~HAG
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DAY 565
I still have triggers, still crave, still run the lip through the cheek. But the light gets brighter. Making a promise every day, honoring that promise, encouraging and helping others to honor their promise..these things have made the difference. Making connections, realizing I'm not unique or alone, walking the path that has been blazed before me...leaning on my brothers and sisters. The light gets brighter!
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DAY 565
I still have triggers, still crave, still run the lip through the cheek. But the light gets brighter. Making a promise every day, honoring that promise, encouraging and helping others to honor their promise..these things have made the difference. Making connections, realizing I'm not unique or alone, walking the path that has been blazed before me...leaning on my brothers and sisters. The light gets brighter!
Odd about that the running the lip through the cheek. Perhaps it's subconscious but I found myself doing just that as I read this. Amazing that while we are all so different there are stark similarities in the addict and the addiction.
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DAY 565
I still have triggers, still crave, still run the lip through the cheek. But the light gets brighter. Making a promise every day, honoring that promise, encouraging and helping others to honor their promise..these things have made the difference. Making connections, realizing I'm not unique or alone, walking the path that has been blazed before me...leaning on my brothers and sisters. The light gets brighter!
Odd about that the running the lip through the cheek. Perhaps it's subconscious but I found myself doing just that as I read this. Amazing that while we are all so different there are stark similarities in the addict and the addiction.
Hahahaha. I meant run my tongue through my cheek, lol. Guess I should limit my late night typing!! But point taken.
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DAY 565
I still have triggers, still crave, still run the lip through the cheek. But the light gets brighter. Making a promise every day, honoring that promise, encouraging and helping others to honor their promise..these things have made the difference. Making connections, realizing I'm not unique or alone, walking the path that has been blazed before me...leaning on my brothers and sisters. The light gets brighter!
Odd about that the running the lip through the cheek. Perhaps it's subconscious but I found myself doing just that as I read this. Amazing that while we are all so different there are stark similarities in the addict and the addiction.
Hahahaha. I meant run my tongue through my cheek, lol. Guess I should limit my late night typing!! But point taken.
Hag, the craves get fewer and further between but I still get them too, even at day 1,280. In fact, I just ordered some Jake's Mint Pouches, cinnamon flavor to deal with some craves I've been having and traveling ill be doing. Protect that quit, whatever it takes brother. PTBQWYT
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DAY 601
Not a chance I'd be here without the folks on this site. I know! I tried...many times.
YOU are not lurking here for no reason!! Do yourself a favor.
STOP feeling like a fraud.
STOP feeling the guilt.
STOP living in fear.
STOP being a slave to something that is stealing your money and threatening your health!!
YOU can do this...I know b/c here I am.
WE'VE been there.
WE know how you are feeling.
WE have walked the path...and continue to stride forward...TOGETHER.
Join us. QUIT TODAY
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Hey Lurkers
You're here because you are ready to change your life! I don't have to tell you why...you live it. It keeps you up at night. It's on your mind often despite the fact that you push it away as quickly as you can.
You can do it. You can have the guilt-free freedom you dream of. We can help. Reach out.
We'll be here, holding the line, when you're ready.
~HAG
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776
I'll be honest, I've been feeling the pull. Life swirls. It's only natural to look for a constant. An anchor.
I've stepped back from this place. Haven't had the bandwidth lately with everything else whirling by.
BUT
I stumble to this place every day..some days earlier than others. A promise is made, days stack on. I take it for granted but it means a lot to me. It's most likely the difference between using and not.
This place works. These folks care. Don't put it off any longer. It only gets harder. Sign in, find your group, make your promise, stack those days...
LMK if I can help
Hold the line quitters
~HAG
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Over 50 guests in here tonight.
You're not here by mistake.
End the guilt...the double standard...Stop being a FRAUD!
Take the plunge. Let us help.