August 6th, 2014, 7:00 pm #14 - Candoit
Day 14
I am reflective at this point in my quit. So far I have experienced very low lows, at which I am angry at everyone and mellow even points. I wouldn't say that I am depressed nor would I say I am emotionally stable, but I am taking a pause to evaluate the events and choices that have lead me to this point in my life.
The fact is I always had something to prove to everyone but myself. Whether it was in athletics, socially, intellectually, or at work. The need to seek some sort of approval that I had earned the right to be here, gave me one hell of an egotistical chip on my shoulder. I know why I first started to smoke, drink, or go down a very dark place in my life. I found things I could control, but in the end for what I thought I could control, controlled me.
I used to say, I would be a in a gutter if it wasn't for my wife, that statement is not tongue and cheek, it is the gospel truth. This habit it the last rement of my old life, that needed to be shed. In shedding this remaining crutch I can now move on with my journey. I would say that part of my life was the better part of 15 yrs.
14 days ago, I heard myself say to my wife "I will ask my doctor, next week about how to quit." She stormed off, i left for work and stopped for a tin, not thinking much of anything. But as that tin sat there on the passenger seat, I thought why is she mad, I do everything she want, she is the one that has the problem. But an hour is a long time to be alone with your thoughts, but then I though of every major fight in the past several years, guess who caused it, the nic bitch! That was it, I had been in this place so many times before, but what makes it any different? I will quit tonight, I just bought a new tin, that's a waste of money. So as I pulled into work, I did my ninja dipper routine hid the bottle, and tin. Went to my office and put in another one, well I have to get rid of it why waste it? So on went the day, got pissed, another one, coffee break? Another one, why well I am getting rid of the tin. But lunch I started looking how to quit, baccoff, patches , gum, cold turkey? Oh there's a coupon for patches or gum, but if I use baccoff my wife won't like that.... Then KTC and next thing I know its 4 pm. That drive home I threw the tin out of the window in the middle of interstate, went home, took my daughter to cheerleading, and joined KTC. That's where I am right now. The same spot I was 14 days ago, except I am now a quitter for life.
July 23, 2014 I realized that this addiction didn't define me, nor did the approval of anyone else. I said it before "I am not seeking forgiveness from everyone, I am seeking to forgive myself. I am living what I preach, I came clean with my wife, asked for her support and made it clear that I am not asking for forgiveness, but support. I reached out to my quit family, and the elders here. They all gave me adivicAugust 6th, 2014, 7:00 pm #14
Day 14
I am reflective at this point in my quit. So far I have experienced very low lows, in which I am angry at everyone and mellow even points. I wouldn't say that I am depressed nor would I say I am emotionally stable, but I am taking pause to evaluate the events and choices that have lead me to this point in my life.
The fact is I always had something to prove to everyone but myself. Whether it was in atheltics, socially, intellectually, or at work. The need to seek some sort of approval that I had earned the right to be here, gave me one hell of an egostical chip on my shoulder. I know why I first started to smoke, drink, or go down a very dark place in my life. I found things I could control, but in the end for what I thought I could control, controlled me.
I used to say, I would be a in a gutter if it wasn't for my wife, that statement is not tongue and cheek, it is the gospel truth. This habit it the last rement of my old life, that needed to be shed. In shedding this remaining crutch I can now move on with my journey. I would say that part of my life was the better part of 15 yrs.
14 days ago, I heard myself say to my wife "I will ask my doctor, next week about how to quit." She stormed off, i left for work and stopped for a tin, not thinking much of anything. But as that tin sat there on the passenger seat, I thought why is she mad, I do everything she want, she is the one that has the problem. But an hour is a long time to be alone with your thoughts, but then I though of every major fight in the past several years, guess who caused it, the nic bitch! That was it, I had been in this place so many times before, but what makes it any different? I will quit tonight, I just bought a new tin, that's a waste of money. So as I pulled into work, I did my ninja dipper routine hid the bottle, and tin. Went to my office and put in another one, well I have to get rid of it why waste it? So on went the day, got pissed, another one, coffee break? Another one, why well I am getting rid of the tin. But lunch I started looking how to quit, baccoff, patchs , gum, cold turkey? Oh there's a coupon for patches, or gum, but if I use baccoff my wife won't like that.... Then KTC and next thing I know its 4 pm. That drive home I threw the tin out of the window in the middle of interstate, went home, took my daughter to cheer leading, and joined KTC. That's where I am right now. The same spot I was 14 days ago, except I am now a quitter for life.
July 23, 2014 I realized that this addiction didn't define me, nor did the approval of anyone else. I said it before "I am not seeking forgiveness from everyone, I am seeking to forgive myself. I am living what I preech, I came clean with my wife, asked for her support and made it clear that I am not asking for forgiveness, but support. I reached out to my quit family, and the elders here. They all gave me adivice , but more important they gave me support.
For those that may be reading the KTC forums, please realize something. Everyone that is here and is committed to their quit, does not except failure. It may seem harsh, rude, arrogent, and hypocritical, but if you have that view you don't know what it means to quit yet. Saying failure is okay means it's okay to put that shit in your mouth, and its not a big deal. Well count how many times you have made that deal with yourself, and three years later your back at square one. Why? Because you said failure is okay.
KTC has been the support I need to quit everyday. The forums are only part of it, the numbers, live chat, and kakao app chatter that make the quit possible. U put ur quit in the hands of every serious quitter when you join, as they put their quit in yours. The wisdom and experiences of the group is something I haven't experienced in a very long time.
To my titan family:
Lim - the ability to reach out and be the butt of long running jokes, in the face of huge obsticals impresses and inspires me every day.
Southpaw the wisdom and leadership you display at such a young age, you have nothing but greatness ahead
Bam your fight to do right by your children and willingness to fight for them and our quit
Enav the southern possum fighter, always with the joke, has been a huge help
Thomas the voice of reason
Thutchi keep moving forward, I am proud you found the fight
Sir Derek truly fitting name for someone willing to suppport a newibie as an equal.
All of the others that I have not mentioned please do not take offense or disrespect for not being mentioned here. I have not chatted or spoken with you, we still have many more days of our life long battle together.
As I began this post I am in a reflective place and thought I should share my thoughts about the past two weeks. I will end with this quote from my youth by the bouncing souls " together we are what we can't be alone", but more importantly they gave me support.
For those that may be reading the KTC forums, please realize something. Everyone that is here and is committed to their quit, does not accept failure. It may seem harsh, rude, arrogant, and hypocritical, but if you have that view you don't know what it means to quit yet. Saying failure is okay means it's okay to put that shit in your mouth, and it's not a big deal. Well count how many times you have made that deal with yourself, and three years later your back at square one. Why? Because you said failure is okay.
KTC has been the support I need to quit everyday. The forums are only part of it, the numbers, live chat, and kakao app chatter that make the quit possible. U put ur quit in the hands of every serious quitter when you join, as they put their quit in yours. The wisdom and experiences of the group is something I haven't experienced in a very long time.
To my titan family:
Lim - the ability to reach out and be the butt of long running jokes, in the face of huge obsticals impresses and inspires me every day.
Southpaw the wisdom and leadership you display at such a young age, you have nothing but greatness ahead
Bam your fight to do right by your children and willingness to fight for them and our quit
Enav the southern possum fighter, always with the joke, has been a huge help
Thomas the voice of reason
Thutchi keep moving forward, I am proud you found the fight
Sir Derek truly fitting name for someone willing to support a newbie as an equal.
All of the others that I have not mentioned please do not take offense or disrespect for not being mentioned here. I have not chatted or spoken with you, we still have many more days of our lifelong battle together.
As I began this post I am in a reflective place and thought I should share my thoughts about the past two weeks. I will end with this quote from my youth by the bouncing souls " together we are what we can't be alone"
