Today I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again. (A journey through one man's recovery)

[JGlav]

COngrats on the 300. Nice work

[FLLipOut]

It is awful, isn't it?!

The great news? You didn't cave. Even better? You are on the THIRD FLOOR tomorrow! That's something to be so proud of, Irish!

'party'

[wildirish317]

Dip Dream #3 - The Betrayal day 299

Really? Day 299 I have a dip dream? WTF?

It's a warm sunny day, I'm in my convertible with the top down, sitting outside a convenience store. I'd just put a pinch between my cheek and gum. WTF?

There was no lead up to this moment, no opportunity to use the tools I have at my disposal, no decision. The decision was already made. I caved. Now what? I can't hide this. I can't undo it. What's done is done. Almost 300 days wiped clean. I was chasing Suthern Gntlman's 330 days before he caved. I failed. I woke up to one of the worst feelings of my life.

[Bokie]

The Continuing Fight With PAWs day 255

This was a brutal episode (didn't lead to a brutal cave though, haha). It came on Friday afternoon, snuck up on me. I work with Autodesk products, and if you know anything about them, you know that they can raise your level of irritability in record time. So, I'm building a 3d model of a piping system, and I can't get the damned program to put a valve in a pipe. It keeps putting it on the floor, directly below the pipe, which is 20 feet in the air. I'm screaming obscenities at my computer. It's 4:00 on Friday afternoon. My week, essentially, is over.

This particular Friday, Mrs. Irish and I are watching our grandson, Phin overnight. Phin is two days younger than my quit. He's just started crawling, and a boatload of fun. I know I'm irritable, so I make sure to watch myself around Phin. For the most part, Phin is enjoyable, but he's a baby, and babies have crying spells. I take them in stride, and don't let them bother me. This is pretty easy to do with Phin, because he's so fun when he's not crying, and he doesn't cry much.

The problem is, when you suppress your anger in one area, it pops up in another. Last night, it happened to be the KTC GroupMe's that I belong to. I started to take my anger out on them, but left the groups instead. I can't leave them all. I created the June 2016 GroupMe. The only way I can leave that group is to end it. Talk about digging a deep quit hole, this is about half of the depth of mine. The GroupMe for my quit month sits squarely on my shoulders. That's another way you guys support me and my quit. As long as you're in the GroupMe, I have to be there.

So today, I had a lot of plans. I started my day by taking my car to the dealership to get the air bag replaced. My car had one of the dreaded Takata air bags that sends shrapnel into the occupant should it deploy. I feel safer now. After that, we ate lunch and took Phin back to his parents, then off to the furniture store to pick up a bed frame that Mrs. Irish ordered. The bed frame included a head board, which didn't fit into the back of our Honda CRV. So we drive a couple of blocks to the UHaul and get a cargo van to get the thing home. My temper, for the most part, has been pretty mild through this.

We get home and I start putting the bed frame together while Mrs. Irish runs to the store to get some groceries. She gets home an hour later, and I'm still putting the bed frame together, and starting to get irritable. It's time to walk the dogs, and I still want to go to Cabela's because I have an employee discount coupon, and I want to put a new speaker cover in my car, along with a new cowl cover (that plastic piece that sits at the base of the windshield and channels rain water safely to the sides of the car). I can see that these things are not going to get done tonight, maybe not even this weekend. It's time to walk the dogs.

During the dog walk, Derby, who I'm walking, reaches down and snatches a napkin or Kleenex or something. I yell at him to drop it, and then smack him on the snout and scream at him. Finally, I pry his mouth open and scrape the paper out of his mouth. Mrs. Irish asks me wtf is wrong with me. Did something happen that's put me in this mood? Then it occurs to me, PAWs.

I look it up. It's in my signature for a reason.

"As you continue to recover the good stretches will get longer and longer. But the bad periods of post-acute withdrawal can be just as intense and last just as long."

"There is no obvious trigger for most episodes. You will wake up one day feeling irritable and have low energy."

"You'll also have lots of bad days. On those days, don't try to do too much."

I'm trying to do too much. Cabela's can wait. My car can wait. I'm just going to relax.

Irish, while I do not have the time you have, I can totally relate to your dream, your writing and PAW. Thank you for such a well written blog, and I look forward to reading your entries everyday you feel like sharing. Thank you!

[wildirish317]

The Continuing Fight With PAWs day 255

This was a brutal episode (didn't lead to a brutal cave though, haha). It came on Friday afternoon, snuck up on me. I work with Autodesk products, and if you know anything about them, you know that they can raise your level of irritability in record time. So, I'm building a 3d model of a piping system, and I can't get the damned program to put a valve in a pipe. It keeps putting it on the floor, directly below the pipe, which is 20 feet in the air. I'm screaming obscenities at my computer. It's 4:00 on Friday afternoon. My week, essentially, is over.

This particular Friday, Mrs. Irish and I are watching our grandson, Phin overnight. Phin is two days younger than my quit. He's just started crawling, and a boatload of fun. I know I'm irritable, so I make sure to watch myself around Phin. For the most part, Phin is enjoyable, but he's a baby, and babies have crying spells. I take them in stride, and don't let them bother me. This is pretty easy to do with Phin, because he's so fun when he's not crying, and he doesn't cry much.

The problem is, when you suppress your anger in one area, it pops up in another. Last night, it happened to be the KTC GroupMe's that I belong to. I started to take my anger out on them, but left the groups instead. I can't leave them all. I created the June 2016 GroupMe. The only way I can leave that group is to end it. Talk about digging a deep quit hole, this is about half of the depth of mine. The GroupMe for my quit month sits squarely on my shoulders. That's another way you guys support me and my quit. As long as you're in the GroupMe, I have to be there.

So today, I had a lot of plans. I started my day by taking my car to the dealership to get the air bag replaced. My car had one of the dreaded Takata air bags that sends shrapnel into the occupant should it deploy. I feel safer now. After that, we ate lunch and took Phin back to his parents, then off to the furniture store to pick up a bed frame that Mrs. Irish ordered. The bed frame included a head board, which didn't fit into the back of our Honda CRV. So we drive a couple of blocks to the UHaul and get a cargo van to get the thing home. My temper, for the most part, has been pretty mild through this.

We get home and I start putting the bed frame together while Mrs. Irish runs to the store to get some groceries. She gets home an hour later, and I'm still putting the bed frame together, and starting to get irritable. It's time to walk the dogs, and I still want to go to Cabela's because I have an employee discount coupon, and I want to put a new speaker cover in my car, along with a new cowl cover (that plastic piece that sits at the base of the windshield and channels rain water safely to the sides of the car). I can see that these things are not going to get done tonight, maybe not even this weekend. It's time to walk the dogs.

During the dog walk, Derby, who I'm walking, reaches down and snatches a napkin or Kleenex or something. I yell at him to drop it, and then smack him on the snout and scream at him. Finally, I pry his mouth open and scrape the paper out of his mouth. Mrs. Irish asks me wtf is wrong with me. Did something happen that's put me in this mood? Then it occurs to me, PAWs.

I look it up. It's in my signature for a reason.

"As you continue to recover the good stretches will get longer and longer. But the bad periods of post-acute withdrawal can be just as intense and last just as long."

"There is no obvious trigger for most episodes. You will wake up one day feeling irritable and have low energy."

"You'll also have lots of bad days. On those days, don't try to do too much."

I'm trying to do too much. Cabela's can wait. My car can wait. I'm just going to relax.

[wildirish317]

Dip Dream #2 - Day 242

I convinced myself to try to test the Law of Addiction and have one pinch between my cheek and gum. I bought a log of Skoal. First, I rarely used Skoal during my 38 years of tobacco use. Second, I have never bought a log in my life. The dream ended with me looking at the top can of the log, just studying it.

I have to constantly guard against testing the Law of Addiction. I've never been quit this long. I take it on faith, this Law of Addiction, that one dip will lead me to using again; just as putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger will lead to my death. I don't need to test these things.

Dont forget- each time you win after a temptation, you log a victory. That's one more little sneaky neural pathway that the addiction tried in your brain, and it failed. That equals a victory for the quit you. Nice. Damn. Job! keep building that quit, keep winning!

Like you, the reflections and deep learning seem to come slower now, less frequent. That has to be normal. Kind of like sports rookies have to play enough before the game "slows down" for them.

Quit hard, day by day, still!

Not worried about you, you're a wise ole coot and your not starting this shit again. Just keep doing what your doing! It obviously works. Thanks for your quit knowledge, people do pay attention! Damn proud to be quit with you!

Thanks guys. It's helps to have encouragement from the "old timers" of quit.

I just post in here when the urge strikes me. I post (all these intro posts) in June 2016 as well, bc my quit group doesn't always check out my intro. Those guys have carried me this far, so I should let them know it.

[pab1964]

Dip Dream #2 - Day 242

I convinced myself to try to test the Law of Addiction and have one pinch between my cheek and gum. I bought a log of Skoal. First, I rarely used Skoal during my 38 years of tobacco use. Second, I have never bought a log in my life. The dream ended with me looking at the top can of the log, just studying it.

I have to constantly guard against testing the Law of Addiction. I've never been quit this long. I take it on faith, this Law of Addiction, that one dip will lead me to using again; just as putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger will lead to my death. I don't need to test these things.

Dont forget- each time you win after a temptation, you log a victory. That's one more little sneaky neural pathway that the addiction tried in your brain, and it failed. That equals a victory for the quit you. Nice. Damn. Job! keep building that quit, keep winning!

Like you, the reflections and deep learning seem to come slower now, less frequent. That has to be normal. Kind of like sports rookies have to play enough before the game "slows down" for them.

Quit hard, day by day, still!

Not worried about you, you're a wise ole coot and your not starting this shit again. Just keep doing what your doing! It obviously works. Thanks for your quit knowledge, people do pay attention! Damn proud to be quit with you!

[brettlees]

Dip Dream #2 - Day 242

I convinced myself to try to test the Law of Addiction and have one pinch between my cheek and gum. I bought a log of Skoal. First, I rarely used Skoal during my 38 years of tobacco use. Second, I have never bought a log in my life. The dream ended with me looking at the top can of the log, just studying it.

I have to constantly guard against testing the Law of Addiction. I've never been quit this long. I take it on faith, this Law of Addiction, that one dip will lead me to using again; just as putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger will lead to my death. I don't need to test these things.

Dont forget- each time you win after a temptation, you log a victory. That's one more little sneaky neural pathway that the addiction tried in your brain, and it failed. That equals a victory for the quit you. Nice. Damn. Job! keep building that quit, keep winning!

Like you, the reflections and deep learning seem to come slower now, less frequent. That has to be normal. Kind of like sports rookies have to play enough before the game "slows down" for them.

Quit hard, day by day, still!

[wildirish317]

Dip Dream #2 - Day 242

I convinced myself to try to test the Law of Addiction and have one pinch between my cheek and gum. I bought a log of Skoal. First, I rarely used Skoal during my 38 years of tobacco use. Second, I have never bought a log in my life. The dream ended with me looking at the top can of the log, just studying it.

I have to constantly guard against testing the Law of Addiction. I've never been quit this long. I take it on faith, this Law of Addiction, that one dip will lead me to using again; just as putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger will lead to my death. I don't need to test these things.

[wildirish317]

A Hidden Gem of My Quit Day 233.

I play tennis. IÂ’ve been playing tennis in leagues (not USTA) regularly since 1987. IÂ’m competitive, but not very good. I play at a 3.0 - 3.5 level, for those of you who play the game.

IÂ’ve always thrown temper tantrums during my matches. IÂ’d throw my racquet or hit it on the ground, scream at myself, and swear. I blamed this on my perfectionism. I always strive for perfection, but lack the skills to achieve it. Now I realize it was the nicotine.

I currently play in a spring league and a fall league at a local park. For the past two years, IÂ’ve been focusing on maintaining my temper, keeping it under control. IÂ’ve had some success, but itÂ’s a constant battle during the match. Some days, I play poorly, and I really get angry about it.

I quit nicotine on February 25th of this year. My spring league ran from 4/14 - 6/16, and I won only two of my ten matches. My temper this spring was probably worse than before. I blamed the nic rage.

My fall league began on 9/8. I am currently 4-2 and havenÂ’t gotten mad at all during those six matches. IÂ’m not even trying to control my temper, I just donÂ’t have one. I play one point at a time. I donÂ’t have to win every point, I just try to win this one. IÂ’ve hit some really bad shots, and I just laugh them off. I find myself complimenting my opponents every time they hit a good shot. Some shots are just too good for me to get to and hit back. I get that now. I didnÂ’t before.

I was explaining this to Mrs. Irish and she noted that I have been much less temperamental in all facets of life lately. This is a hidden gem of my quit. I was not expecting this.

[Backwoods901]

I agree with W2W and tjschu. You have been a stalwart contributor here at KTC and should not put TEC's cave on your shoulders. I seriously doubt there were any words you could have texted him to stop the cave that was already decided. I feel badly for him and the challenges in his life - especially now that back in nicotine's grasp. Proud to be quit with you Irish.

just to reiterate on what the above said, No where is it your fault I dealt with this with a few so far that you put effort into then they still cave and fade away. You did all you could do and you did a hell of a job and for that it means alot to your dedication here and to other quitters.

[ChristopherJ]

I agree with W2W and tjschu. You have been a stalwart contributor here at KTC and should not put TEC's cave on your shoulders. I seriously doubt there were any words you could have texted him to stop the cave that was already decided. I feel badly for him and the challenges in his life - especially now that back in nicotine's grasp. Proud to be quit with you Irish.

[Tjschu]

Lessons from TEC

Day 228, I donÂ’t seem to have as much to say about my quit these days. IÂ’m not sure if IÂ’m learning things at a slower pace, or if it just takes me longer to realize IÂ’ve been educated.

TEC caved last night. Here are the lessons IÂ’ve taken from my shared path with him:

ItÂ’s not my fault.
You need a good reason to quit.
PAWs is a real bitch.
You need to immerse yourself in the KTC community.

The text came at 7:52 PM last night. I had just sat down at a restaurant with Mrs. Irish and two of our daughters. “Hi John, after 7 months, I am going to buy a tin.” “This is going to be a long night,” I thought, “and I’m not sure I’m up for this.” The text discussion continued until 9:42 PM, mostly with TEC explaining why his life had gone in the shitter, and me explaining that nicotine was not the answer to his problems, that I’ve never heard of a doctor prescribing it to solve any health related issue.

I let the text conversation die without asking TEC to promise me he wouldnÂ’t buy a tin. I didnÂ’t realize this until this morning, and by then it was too late. Should I have done that? Maybe, but then I would have to do it again today, and maybe again tomorrow. I donÂ’t have the energy to do this. I am old. He was more determined to cave than I was to keep him from doing so.

Am I responsible for TECÂ’s cave? I feel that way, but IÂ’m not. It wasnÂ’t my quit. It wasnÂ’t my cave.

During our text conversation, I asked him why he quit. Cost, was his answer, followed by a “remote belief that a lost love would return if I quit”. To me, neither reason was strong enough to quit, and TEC’s quit was doomed from the get-go. I’m impressed that he made it 7 months. I quit because I was just tired of dipping and wanted to improve my health. I don’t know how strong that reason is to some people, but I told TEC last night “I’ve left that cage, and have no desire to go back.”

IÂ’m no psychiatrist, but this is my take on what happened with TEC: He has some deep psychological issues involving rage. When he quit, he went through the same quit rage we all do, and he thought it was normal. Then the rest of us stopped raging, but he did not. HeÂ’s a shy guy, so he didnÂ’t rage on the forums much, but he did send me a few raging texts and PMs, and got into it with Frazz on the forums one night.

I think he was suffering from PAWs, and anger was the principal emotion for him with PAWs. He didnÂ’t realize that it was PAWs, and didnÂ’t associate it with withdrawal from nicotine. Rather, he took the logical perspective that his engineer mind presented: he didnÂ’t rage much before he quit, he continually and uncontrollably raged after he quit. Therefore, he is better off using than quit. In seven months, heÂ’d lost his job, and a lot of other things that were important to him. He blamed this on his quit. Using will kill him, but quitting turns his life upside down. The chains of the nic bitch are brutal.

Finally, I want to reflect on the fact that I was (to my knowledge) the only contact (through digits) that TEC had at KTC. To make this quit work, and totally use the resources available at KTC, you need to become a part of the community by setting up at texting relationship with several people on the site. One is not enough, because what if that one person doesnÂ’t respond to your text when you need a response? This is a community. You are not going to click with everyone here, but you will find a few that you feel you share more than a common quit. Reach out to these people. Get them in your group. They need you, and you need them.

Tomorrow dawns a new day, and I am still quit.

Some people don't want to be free.

Some people aren't leaders, or team players.

Not everyone can be a winner.

Sad, but true. Fuck losing. Winning is so much better.

Definitely not your fault. I had a similar experience early in my quit. I too felt guilty for "letting" the cave happen. Like they say you can't quit for them you can only quit with them. You have helped so many people here and for that you should be proud! Don't let this experience bring you down.

[worktowin]

Lessons from TEC

Day 228, I donÂ’t seem to have as much to say about my quit these days. IÂ’m not sure if IÂ’m learning things at a slower pace, or if it just takes me longer to realize IÂ’ve been educated.

TEC caved last night. Here are the lessons IÂ’ve taken from my shared path with him:

ItÂ’s not my fault.
You need a good reason to quit.
PAWs is a real bitch.
You need to immerse yourself in the KTC community.

The text came at 7:52 PM last night. I had just sat down at a restaurant with Mrs. Irish and two of our daughters. “Hi John, after 7 months, I am going to buy a tin.” “This is going to be a long night,” I thought, “and I’m not sure I’m up for this.” The text discussion continued until 9:42 PM, mostly with TEC explaining why his life had gone in the shitter, and me explaining that nicotine was not the answer to his problems, that I’ve never heard of a doctor prescribing it to solve any health related issue.

I let the text conversation die without asking TEC to promise me he wouldnÂ’t buy a tin. I didnÂ’t realize this until this morning, and by then it was too late. Should I have done that? Maybe, but then I would have to do it again today, and maybe again tomorrow. I donÂ’t have the energy to do this. I am old. He was more determined to cave than I was to keep him from doing so.

Am I responsible for TECÂ’s cave? I feel that way, but IÂ’m not. It wasnÂ’t my quit. It wasnÂ’t my cave.

During our text conversation, I asked him why he quit. Cost, was his answer, followed by a “remote belief that a lost love would return if I quit”. To me, neither reason was strong enough to quit, and TEC’s quit was doomed from the get-go. I’m impressed that he made it 7 months. I quit because I was just tired of dipping and wanted to improve my health. I don’t know how strong that reason is to some people, but I told TEC last night “I’ve left that cage, and have no desire to go back.”

IÂ’m no psychiatrist, but this is my take on what happened with TEC: He has some deep psychological issues involving rage. When he quit, he went through the same quit rage we all do, and he thought it was normal. Then the rest of us stopped raging, but he did not. HeÂ’s a shy guy, so he didnÂ’t rage on the forums much, but he did send me a few raging texts and PMs, and got into it with Frazz on the forums one night.

I think he was suffering from PAWs, and anger was the principal emotion for him with PAWs. He didnÂ’t realize that it was PAWs, and didnÂ’t associate it with withdrawal from nicotine. Rather, he took the logical perspective that his engineer mind presented: he didnÂ’t rage much before he quit, he continually and uncontrollably raged after he quit. Therefore, he is better off using than quit. In seven months, heÂ’d lost his job, and a lot of other things that were important to him. He blamed this on his quit. Using will kill him, but quitting turns his life upside down. The chains of the nic bitch are brutal.

Finally, I want to reflect on the fact that I was (to my knowledge) the only contact (through digits) that TEC had at KTC. To make this quit work, and totally use the resources available at KTC, you need to become a part of the community by setting up at texting relationship with several people on the site. One is not enough, because what if that one person doesnÂ’t respond to your text when you need a response? This is a community. You are not going to click with everyone here, but you will find a few that you feel you share more than a common quit. Reach out to these people. Get them in your group. They need you, and you need them.

Tomorrow dawns a new day, and I am still quit.

Some people don't want to be free.

Some people aren't leaders, or team players.

Not everyone can be a winner.

Sad, but true. Fuck losing. Winning is so much better.

[wildirish317]

Lessons from TEC

Day 228, I donÂ’t seem to have as much to say about my quit these days. IÂ’m not sure if IÂ’m learning things at a slower pace, or if it just takes me longer to realize IÂ’ve been educated.

TEC caved last night. Here are the lessons IÂ’ve taken from my shared path with him:

ItÂ’s not my fault.
You need a good reason to quit.
PAWs is a real bitch.
You need to immerse yourself in the KTC community.

The text came at 7:52 PM last night. I had just sat down at a restaurant with Mrs. Irish and two of our daughters. “Hi John, after 7 months, I am going to buy a tin.” “This is going to be a long night,” I thought, “and I’m not sure I’m up for this.” The text discussion continued until 9:42 PM, mostly with TEC explaining why his life had gone in the shitter, and me explaining that nicotine was not the answer to his problems, that I’ve never heard of a doctor prescribing it to solve any health related issue.

I let the text conversation die without asking TEC to promise me he wouldnÂ’t buy a tin. I didnÂ’t realize this until this morning, and by then it was too late. Should I have done that? Maybe, but then I would have to do it again today, and maybe again tomorrow. I donÂ’t have the energy to do this. I am old. He was more determined to cave than I was to keep him from doing so.

Am I responsible for TECÂ’s cave? I feel that way, but IÂ’m not. It wasnÂ’t my quit. It wasnÂ’t my cave.

During our text conversation, I asked him why he quit. Cost, was his answer, followed by a “remote belief that a lost love would return if I quit”. To me, neither reason was strong enough to quit, and TEC’s quit was doomed from the get-go. I’m impressed that he made it 7 months. I quit because I was just tired of dipping and wanted to improve my health. I don’t know how strong that reason is to some people, but I told TEC last night “I’ve left that cage, and have no desire to go back.”

IÂ’m no psychiatrist, but this is my take on what happened with TEC: He has some deep psychological issues involving rage. When he quit, he went through the same quit rage we all do, and he thought it was normal. Then the rest of us stopped raging, but he did not. HeÂ’s a shy guy, so he didnÂ’t rage on the forums much, but he did send me a few raging texts and PMs, and got into it with Frazz on the forums one night.

I think he was suffering from PAWs, and anger was the principal emotion for him with PAWs. He didnÂ’t realize that it was PAWs, and didnÂ’t associate it with withdrawal from nicotine. Rather, he took the logical perspective that his engineer mind presented: he didnÂ’t rage much before he quit, he continually and uncontrollably raged after he quit. Therefore, he is better off using than quit. In seven months, heÂ’d lost his job, and a lot of other things that were important to him. He blamed this on his quit. Using will kill him, but quitting turns his life upside down. The chains of the nic bitch are brutal.

Finally, I want to reflect on the fact that I was (to my knowledge) the only contact (through digits) that TEC had at KTC. To make this quit work, and totally use the resources available at KTC, you need to become a part of the community by setting up at texting relationship with several people on the site. One is not enough, because what if that one person doesnÂ’t respond to your text when you need a response? This is a community. You are not going to click with everyone here, but you will find a few that you feel you share more than a common quit. Reach out to these people. Get them in your group. They need you, and you need them.

Tomorrow dawns a new day, and I am still quit.