Author Topic: Today I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again. (A journey through one man's recovery)  (Read 57106 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline DjPorkchop

  • Hall of Fame Conductor
  • Quitter
  • ***
  • Posts: 3,872
  • Mother Fricker!!!
    • PaPa Ray's Photography
  • Quit Date: 9/17/2015
  • Interests: Brewing Beer and Building Cheap Smokers (UDS Drums)
  • Likes Given: 23
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #133 on: July 14, 2016, 04:44:00 PM »
Quote from: wildirish317
Quote from: DjPorkchop
Quote from: wildirish317
No Excuse To Cave - NONE!

I don't know Todd, other than what I've read in his intro. His story is inspiring. His story made me cry.

If I ever feel life has given me an excuse to cave, I'm going to come here and read this, again.
Quote from: traumagnet
Whew where to begin, well brothers and sisters today should be a joyous day 7th floor with 2 trips around the sun to follow and not to be overshadowed by too many other events right. Well, what I am about to follow up with is a warning my way to pay it forward a way for me to find something positive out of what I have found out. A way to reinforce to those that think they are cured and that they may be able to try a dance with their mistress/Reaper... This is a message to the vets as well as newbies it's not over. This isn't written for sympathy or pity I knew that this was a possibility when I thought I was a tough guy with my lip packed full of death.

Friday 3-13-15 a day I will never forget, I had a colonoscopy and yep you guessed it CANCER located close to where small and large intestines come together... I was a bad ass I didn't need a spitter I gutted it this pseudo-badge of courage is probably the culprit.

Funny what goes through your head when you get that kind of news first initial shock...followed up with panic, fear then sadness. It finally really hit me Sunday a.m. I broke down the thoughts that I may not get to see my wife again, smell her hair, see her smile, hear her laugh, miss her sarcasm...not getting to see my son play sports, graduate and see him go through life not getting to be a Grandpa...Yep all those moments be shared with others and not me. I took a walk down memory lane yesterdayÂ…have I put enough away for my family, what have I left for a legacy, have I given more than I have taken, will I be remembered or just another UST statistic... All that shit goes through your head...I am sure that are a lot more emotions to follow.

Today I am up and going I have shit to do before I go for surgery. I have to use all my tools that I have acquired from KTC and apply them moving forward. THIS DOES NOT GIVE ME THE RIGHT OR EXCUSE TO CHEW! This isn't going to be an I, it will be a WE, brothers and sisters from KTC, friends and family taking this head on one day at a time. I am absolutely impressed with the men and women of KTC who have already started pumping out support....THANK YOU.
Quote from: traumagnet
So if any of you still have friends dippin tell them this if you dont have what it takes to quit nicotine you are gonna be TOO big of a pussy for chemo. Dying is easy its the living that is hard got to dig deep everyday and there would be no way in hell I could do this on my own. If it werent for the support of my wife and family, the support i get daily from the members this site and the people I have in my corner locally. I would have been consumed by this cancer shit. I have already lived through two you only have 6 months left.
Quote from: traumagnet
Well it appears that it has been awhile since I have put in an update. I had double pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for a week...then home health for a week giving me very strong antibiotics. After a week of that the nausea and pain were enough I woke up on a Monday morning and fired everyone. I called the VA and asked to be put on hospice. Hospice has been working with me to get me under control as far as pain and nausea go. I have been puking and dry heaving for days so finally last night they hooked me up to a morphine drip and a Tordol drip subQ. they have also discovered that I have chemo induced thrush from my mouth to my stomach so another obstacle to overcome.

I also carry a BRAF mutation with in the cancer war is like trying fight fires with gasoline. So I am on the hospice pony and just trying to ride whatever time I have left in relative comfort. So just trying to take it easy.

Once again just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been on this ride with me, I also wanted to say if you text or email and I dont respond right away please dont take it personal there are days that just making it to tomorrow is the best I can do.
thanks
Trauma
Oh lord what a story. I never saw that here before. That is sad.

His story hits kind of home for me. I have been having major issues lately and can not afford to go to the dr with my insurance. But it is coming to a point now that I have no options left but to go.

Also like him, I was not a spitter. I was taught when i was a kid when I started chewing that If I was not man enough to swallow the spit, then I was not man enough to chew. Swallow it was. Spitting in front of any woman, especially my mother was never an option. I did that for a good long time. Combined time maybe 20 years. I never spit. I regret that choice now for sure.

Thanks for the share Irish. I really appreciate it. It gave me serious food for thought.

Is this brother still with us fighting the fight?
His last post on his intro was this morning. I'm not sure if he's posting roll, or where. He called in Hospice, so I doubt he will be here very long.

I also "gutted" it, but I never got above 2 cans per week, and my colonoscopy 5 years ago was clean. They told me to come back in 10 years.
Glad to hear you are clean man. You suppose you'll wait 10 more years or play it safe in 5?

I was a 1 can every other day guy. Good old Kodiak. Nothing but.

I'm kind of worried for my self right now as I got major issues going on and it is getting worse by the day. Your sharing his story might have just pushed me in the right direction and say screw the financials and just go get checked. Man my insurance REALLY sucks though. They literally have ages for certain tests. One very important one for males I am not old enough for yet according to the insurance company in spite of my risk of cancer and I am only 2 years younger than their 45 year old age limit. I had 9 family members die in 10 months some years back all but one from cancer. Terrible!

And thanks again for sharing. I truly do appreciate it.
If I could I would. If I don't, it's because I am lazy.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Offline wildirish317

  • Free
  • Quitting MoFo
  • *****
  • Posts: 13,810
  • Past the cravings Past the drama Still an addict
  • Quit Date: 2/25/2016
  • Interests: I am the most boring person you will ever meet.
  • Likes Given: 15
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #132 on: July 14, 2016, 04:39:00 PM »
Quote from: DjPorkchop
Quote from: wildirish317
No Excuse To Cave - NONE!

I don't know Todd, other than what I've read in his intro. His story is inspiring. His story made me cry.

If I ever feel life has given me an excuse to cave, I'm going to come here and read this, again.
Quote from: traumagnet
Whew where to begin, well brothers and sisters today should be a joyous day 7th floor with 2 trips around the sun to follow and not to be overshadowed by too many other events right. Well, what I am about to follow up with is a warning my way to pay it forward a way for me to find something positive out of what I have found out. A way to reinforce to those that think they are cured and that they may be able to try a dance with their mistress/Reaper... This is a message to the vets as well as newbies it's not over. This isn't written for sympathy or pity I knew that this was a possibility when I thought I was a tough guy with my lip packed full of death.

Friday 3-13-15 a day I will never forget, I had a colonoscopy and yep you guessed it CANCER located close to where small and large intestines come together... I was a bad ass I didn't need a spitter I gutted it this pseudo-badge of courage is probably the culprit.

Funny what goes through your head when you get that kind of news first initial shock...followed up with panic, fear then sadness. It finally really hit me Sunday a.m. I broke down the thoughts that I may not get to see my wife again, smell her hair, see her smile, hear her laugh, miss her sarcasm...not getting to see my son play sports, graduate and see him go through life not getting to be a Grandpa...Yep all those moments be shared with others and not me. I took a walk down memory lane yesterdayÂ…have I put enough away for my family, what have I left for a legacy, have I given more than I have taken, will I be remembered or just another UST statistic... All that shit goes through your head...I am sure that are a lot more emotions to follow.

Today I am up and going I have shit to do before I go for surgery. I have to use all my tools that I have acquired from KTC and apply them moving forward. THIS DOES NOT GIVE ME THE RIGHT OR EXCUSE TO CHEW! This isn't going to be an I, it will be a WE, brothers and sisters from KTC, friends and family taking this head on one day at a time. I am absolutely impressed with the men and women of KTC who have already started pumping out support....THANK YOU.
Quote from: traumagnet
So if any of you still have friends dippin tell them this if you dont have what it takes to quit nicotine you are gonna be TOO big of a pussy for chemo. Dying is easy its the living that is hard got to dig deep everyday and there would be no way in hell I could do this on my own. If it werent for the support of my wife and family, the support i get daily from the members this site and the people I have in my corner locally. I would have been consumed by this cancer shit. I have already lived through two you only have 6 months left.
Quote from: traumagnet
Well it appears that it has been awhile since I have put in an update. I had double pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for a week...then home health for a week giving me very strong antibiotics. After a week of that the nausea and pain were enough I woke up on a Monday morning and fired everyone. I called the VA and asked to be put on hospice. Hospice has been working with me to get me under control as far as pain and nausea go. I have been puking and dry heaving for days so finally last night they hooked me up to a morphine drip and a Tordol drip subQ. they have also discovered that I have chemo induced thrush from my mouth to my stomach so another obstacle to overcome.

I also carry a BRAF mutation with in the cancer war is like trying fight fires with gasoline. So I am on the hospice pony and just trying to ride whatever time I have left in relative comfort. So just trying to take it easy.

Once again just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been on this ride with me, I also wanted to say if you text or email and I dont respond right away please dont take it personal there are days that just making it to tomorrow is the best I can do.
thanks
Trauma
Oh lord what a story. I never saw that here before. That is sad.

His story hits kind of home for me. I have been having major issues lately and can not afford to go to the dr with my insurance. But it is coming to a point now that I have no options left but to go.

Also like him, I was not a spitter. I was taught when i was a kid when I started chewing that If I was not man enough to swallow the spit, then I was not man enough to chew. Swallow it was. Spitting in front of any woman, especially my mother was never an option. I did that for a good long time. Combined time maybe 20 years. I never spit. I regret that choice now for sure.

Thanks for the share Irish. I really appreciate it. It gave me serious food for thought.

Is this brother still with us fighting the fight?
His last post on his intro was this morning. I'm not sure if he's posting roll, or where. He called in Hospice, so I doubt he will be here very long.

I also "gutted" it, but I never got above 2 cans per week, and my colonoscopy 5 years ago was clean. They told me to come back in 10 years.
“Everything good that has happened to me has happened as a direct result of helping someone else, everything". - Danny Trejo

Offline DjPorkchop

  • Hall of Fame Conductor
  • Quitter
  • ***
  • Posts: 3,872
  • Mother Fricker!!!
    • PaPa Ray's Photography
  • Quit Date: 9/17/2015
  • Interests: Brewing Beer and Building Cheap Smokers (UDS Drums)
  • Likes Given: 23
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #131 on: July 14, 2016, 04:38:00 PM »
I found his post. I should have looked first.
If I could I would. If I don't, it's because I am lazy.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Offline DjPorkchop

  • Hall of Fame Conductor
  • Quitter
  • ***
  • Posts: 3,872
  • Mother Fricker!!!
    • PaPa Ray's Photography
  • Quit Date: 9/17/2015
  • Interests: Brewing Beer and Building Cheap Smokers (UDS Drums)
  • Likes Given: 23
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #130 on: July 14, 2016, 04:34:00 PM »
Quote from: wildirish317
No Excuse To Cave - NONE!

I don't know Todd, other than what I've read in his intro. His story is inspiring. His story made me cry.

If I ever feel life has given me an excuse to cave, I'm going to come here and read this, again.
Quote from: traumagnet
Whew where to begin, well brothers and sisters today should be a joyous day 7th floor with 2 trips around the sun to follow and not to be overshadowed by too many other events right. Well, what I am about to follow up with is a warning my way to pay it forward a way for me to find something positive out of what I have found out. A way to reinforce to those that think they are cured and that they may be able to try a dance with their mistress/Reaper... This is a message to the vets as well as newbies it's not over. This isn't written for sympathy or pity I knew that this was a possibility when I thought I was a tough guy with my lip packed full of death.

Friday 3-13-15 a day I will never forget, I had a colonoscopy and yep you guessed it CANCER located close to where small and large intestines come together... I was a bad ass I didn't need a spitter I gutted it this pseudo-badge of courage is probably the culprit.

Funny what goes through your head when you get that kind of news first initial shock...followed up with panic, fear then sadness. It finally really hit me Sunday a.m. I broke down the thoughts that I may not get to see my wife again, smell her hair, see her smile, hear her laugh, miss her sarcasm...not getting to see my son play sports, graduate and see him go through life not getting to be a Grandpa...Yep all those moments be shared with others and not me. I took a walk down memory lane yesterdayÂ…have I put enough away for my family, what have I left for a legacy, have I given more than I have taken, will I be remembered or just another UST statistic... All that shit goes through your head...I am sure that are a lot more emotions to follow.

Today I am up and going I have shit to do before I go for surgery. I have to use all my tools that I have acquired from KTC and apply them moving forward. THIS DOES NOT GIVE ME THE RIGHT OR EXCUSE TO CHEW! This isn't going to be an I, it will be a WE, brothers and sisters from KTC, friends and family taking this head on one day at a time. I am absolutely impressed with the men and women of KTC who have already started pumping out support....THANK YOU.
Quote from: traumagnet
So if any of you still have friends dippin tell them this if you dont have what it takes to quit nicotine you are gonna be TOO big of a pussy for chemo. Dying is easy its the living that is hard got to dig deep everyday and there would be no way in hell I could do this on my own. If it werent for the support of my wife and family, the support i get daily from the members this site and the people I have in my corner locally. I would have been consumed by this cancer shit. I have already lived through two you only have 6 months left.
Quote from: traumagnet
Well it appears that it has been awhile since I have put in an update. I had double pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for a week...then home health for a week giving me very strong antibiotics. After a week of that the nausea and pain were enough I woke up on a Monday morning and fired everyone. I called the VA and asked to be put on hospice. Hospice has been working with me to get me under control as far as pain and nausea go. I have been puking and dry heaving for days so finally last night they hooked me up to a morphine drip and a Tordol drip subQ. they have also discovered that I have chemo induced thrush from my mouth to my stomach so another obstacle to overcome.

I also carry a BRAF mutation with in the cancer war is like trying fight fires with gasoline. So I am on the hospice pony and just trying to ride whatever time I have left in relative comfort. So just trying to take it easy.

Once again just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been on this ride with me, I also wanted to say if you text or email and I dont respond right away please dont take it personal there are days that just making it to tomorrow is the best I can do.
thanks
Trauma
Oh lord what a story. I never saw that here before. That is sad.

His story hits kind of home for me. I have been having major issues lately and can not afford to go to the dr with my insurance. But it is coming to a point now that I have no options left but to go.

Also like him, I was not a spitter. I was taught when i was a kid when I started chewing that If I was not man enough to swallow the spit, then I was not man enough to chew. Swallow it was. Spitting in front of any woman, especially my mother was never an option. I did that for a good long time. Combined time maybe 20 years. I never spit. I regret that choice now for sure.

Thanks for the share Irish. I really appreciate it. It gave me serious food for thought.
If I could I would. If I don't, it's because I am lazy.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Offline wildirish317

  • Free
  • Quitting MoFo
  • *****
  • Posts: 13,810
  • Past the cravings Past the drama Still an addict
  • Quit Date: 2/25/2016
  • Interests: I am the most boring person you will ever meet.
  • Likes Given: 15
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #129 on: July 14, 2016, 04:13:00 PM »
No Excuse To Cave - NONE!

I don't know Todd, other than what I've read in his intro. His story is inspiring. His story made me cry.

If I ever feel life has given me an excuse to cave, I'm going to come here and read this, again.
Quote from: traumagnet
Whew where to begin, well brothers and sisters today should be a joyous day 7th floor with 2 trips around the sun to follow and not to be overshadowed by too many other events right. Well, what I am about to follow up with is a warning my way to pay it forward a way for me to find something positive out of what I have found out. A way to reinforce to those that think they are cured and that they may be able to try a dance with their mistress/Reaper... This is a message to the vets as well as newbies it's not over. This isn't written for sympathy or pity I knew that this was a possibility when I thought I was a tough guy with my lip packed full of death.

Friday 3-13-15 a day I will never forget, I had a colonoscopy and yep you guessed it CANCER located close to where small and large intestines come together... I was a bad ass I didn't need a spitter I gutted it this pseudo-badge of courage is probably the culprit.

Funny what goes through your head when you get that kind of news first initial shock...followed up with panic, fear then sadness. It finally really hit me Sunday a.m. I broke down the thoughts that I may not get to see my wife again, smell her hair, see her smile, hear her laugh, miss her sarcasm...not getting to see my son play sports, graduate and see him go through life not getting to be a Grandpa...Yep all those moments be shared with others and not me. I took a walk down memory lane yesterdayÂ…have I put enough away for my family, what have I left for a legacy, have I given more than I have taken, will I be remembered or just another UST statistic... All that shit goes through your head...I am sure that are a lot more emotions to follow.

Today I am up and going I have shit to do before I go for surgery. I have to use all my tools that I have acquired from KTC and apply them moving forward. THIS DOES NOT GIVE ME THE RIGHT OR EXCUSE TO CHEW! This isn't going to be an I, it will be a WE, brothers and sisters from KTC, friends and family taking this head on one day at a time. I am absolutely impressed with the men and women of KTC who have already started pumping out support....THANK YOU.
Quote from: traumagnet
So if any of you still have friends dippin tell them this if you dont have what it takes to quit nicotine you are gonna be TOO big of a pussy for chemo. Dying is easy its the living that is hard got to dig deep everyday and there would be no way in hell I could do this on my own. If it werent for the support of my wife and family, the support i get daily from the members this site and the people I have in my corner locally. I would have been consumed by this cancer shit. I have already lived through two you only have 6 months left.
Quote from: traumagnet
Well it appears that it has been awhile since I have put in an update. I had double pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for a week...then home health for a week giving me very strong antibiotics. After a week of that the nausea and pain were enough I woke up on a Monday morning and fired everyone. I called the VA and asked to be put on hospice. Hospice has been working with me to get me under control as far as pain and nausea go. I have been puking and dry heaving for days so finally last night they hooked me up to a morphine drip and a Tordol drip subQ. they have also discovered that I have chemo induced thrush from my mouth to my stomach so another obstacle to overcome.

I also carry a BRAF mutation with in the cancer war is like trying fight fires with gasoline. So I am on the hospice pony and just trying to ride whatever time I have left in relative comfort. So just trying to take it easy.

Once again just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been on this ride with me, I also wanted to say if you text or email and I dont respond right away please dont take it personal there are days that just making it to tomorrow is the best I can do.
thanks
Trauma
“Everything good that has happened to me has happened as a direct result of helping someone else, everything". - Danny Trejo

Offline suthern_gntlman

  • Quitter
  • **
  • Posts: 3,808
  • Interests: Church, Family, Movies and Books!
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #128 on: July 08, 2016, 10:08:00 PM »
Quote from: KingNothing
Quote from: wildirish317
Not thinking about nicotine is for people who've never used nicotine. We threw that option away with the first dip or drag on a cigarette. We are addicts, and cannot become un-addicted.
This is really really good stuff Irish. Thanks for the share and keep up the good work in this intro.
Man Irish, the exact thoughts I have been thinking lately!

I had actually mosied on over here to intoductions to start writing something about this concept.

As usual, good stuff!

Offline KingNothing

  • Master of Quit
  • *******
  • Posts: 22,154
  • Quit Date: 2015-07-10
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #127 on: July 08, 2016, 02:31:00 PM »
Quote from: wildirish317
Not thinking about nicotine is for people who've never used nicotine. We threw that option away with the first dip or drag on a cigarette. We are addicts, and cannot become un-addicted.
This is really really good stuff Irish. Thanks for the share and keep up the good work in this intro.
"Fuck nicotine dude. You don't need it. And you don't want it. It didn't do a thing for you and you know it." - worktowin
"today you dissided that shit wont control your life. and it wont. unless you let it." - drome
"Not thinking about nicotine is for people who've never used nicotine. We threw that option away with the first dip or drag on a cigarette. We are addicts, and cannot become un-addicted." - wildirish317
"You need to decide how much you really want to be quit." - pky1520
We are always at risk. And probably always will be. That is why I will never get "too quit" to post my +1. Every. Damn. Day. - geis2597

Intro
Freedom Tastes So Good

Quit: 7/10/15, HOF: 10/17/15, 2nd Floor: 1/25/16, 3rd Floor: 5/4/16, 1 year: 7/10/16 4th Floor: 8/12/16, 5th Floor: 11/20/16, 6th Floor: 2/28/17, 7th Floor: 6/8/17, 2 years: 7/10/17, 8th Floor: 9/16/17, 9th Floor: 12/25/17, Comma: 4/4/18, 3 years: 7/10/18, 11th Floor: 7/13/18

Offline wildirish317

  • Free
  • Quitting MoFo
  • *****
  • Posts: 13,810
  • Past the cravings Past the drama Still an addict
  • Quit Date: 2/25/2016
  • Interests: I am the most boring person you will ever meet.
  • Likes Given: 15
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #126 on: July 08, 2016, 02:11:00 PM »
Getting to - "Not thinking about it anymore" - day 134ish

I've read several posts, on several quit groups, where people say they've stopped posting roll because they only think about nic when they post roll. They don't want to think about nicotine anymore.

I think about nicotine every time I visit this site. In fact, I visit this site because I want to think about nicotine. I am an obsessive personality, and I'm currently obsessed with nicotine. That's why I've researched it so much, and shared most of this research in my intro thread. They say that PAWs lasts for two years. They say that, after five years, relapse is rare. After 38 years of tobacco use, 5 years is a small period of time.

There you go. I want to keep that bitch in front of me, where I can see it until my chance of relapse is rare. I've had too many times in the past 100 days that, if I didn't start the day by finding that bitch and keeping her in front of me, she would've snuck up behind me and crawled up my ass.

Not thinking about nicotine is for people who've never used nicotine. We threw that option away with the first dip or drag on a cigarette. We are addicts, and cannot become un-addicted.
“Everything good that has happened to me has happened as a direct result of helping someone else, everything". - Danny Trejo

Offline danojeno

  • Quit Date March 2, 2015
  • Moderator (Retired)
  • Master of Quit
  • *****
  • Posts: 32,789
  • Likes Given: 48
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #125 on: July 01, 2016, 06:55:00 PM »
Quote from: DjPorkchop
Quote from: kubiackalpha
Quote from: Mike1966
Quote from: RDB1972
Quote from: wildirish317
Living with PAWs - day 128

Mood swings
Anxiety
Irritability
Tiredness
Variable energy
Low enthusiasm
Variable concentration
Disturbed sleep

Mrs. Irish and I started off on our daily walk with the dogs this morning. I had set two sprinklers out in the yard last evening, and ran them for a couple of hours because our grass is getting dry. The sod is less than a year old, and we are concerned that it may die if it gets too dry.

Mrs. Irish asked if the sprinklers had covered the entire yard, and I blew up. Our morning routine consists of a series of rituals that result in me leaving for work between 7:05 and 7:10. There is no room to add any tasks. Now I'm faced with repositioning the sprinklers and turning them on. I respond in an angry manner and, Mrs. Irish being who she is, took me to task.

She pointed out several occasions over the past couple of weeks where I have reacted in anger to normal life events. I hit my head on a lamp frame and let loose a long string of f-bombs, far too many than the event warranted, for example. Some of the things she told me about, I don't recall. I began to think maybe I'm losing my mind. I thought about NewTexican, and his enrollment in anger management classes.

Is this all due to quitting nicotine? Should I go back to nicotine to return to a normal life? (See how sneaky the nic bitch can be? I even had a dip dream last night.) I was totally freaked out. Then I remembered PAWs. Hell, it's in my signature. I click the link and there are the symptoms, plain as day. Anxious, irritable, tired, low enthusiasm, variable concentration, yes, that's how I feel. Damn. So, what do I do about it?

I click on the link that leads me to the PAWs web page.. Here, I find the beginning of my answer. I say beginning because these are general guidelines, and I have to figure out how to apply them to me, here and now. This is what I find:

"Give yourself lots of little breaks over the next two years. Tell yourself "what I am doing is enough." Be good to yourself. That is what most addicts can't do, and that's what you must learn in recovery. Recovery is the opposite of addiction.

Sometimes you'll have little energy or enthusiasm for anything. Understand this and don't over book your life. Give yourself permission to focus on your recovery."

And:

"Being able to relax will help you through post-acute withdrawal. When you're tense you tend to dwell on your symptoms and make them worse. When you're relaxed it's easier to not get caught up in them. You aren't as triggered by your symptoms which means you're less likely to relapse."

What I am doing is enough. Don't over-book myself. Learn to relax.

That's my plan.

I needed that today. I'm kind of stretched to my limit at the moment, and it's good to have an idea why. Thanks.
I'm dealing with the same thing. I consider myself a pretty calm person, but I find things that would normally just be annoying send me off into a day 1 quit-rage sometimes. Not always, I'm pretty calm most of the time now, but every once in awhile out of the blue, something will set me off and I'm boiling mad and it's like I'm standing on the outside watching it happen thinking, "WTF Mike, calm down!" My last quit attempt I did the same thing after 8 or 9 months. It'd be nice to hear from someone who's quit for 2 years plus comment on whether the rage episodes begin to go away in time.

By the way Irish, I keep re-reading your PAW article, hoping like hell they know what they're talking about. Even if it takes 2 years it'd be nice to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel
There is always light, man. Just need to understand that to have the light, there is going to be clouds and even darkness. Without the Moon, no one would be there to chase the Sun to come back up. The light, which I refer to as my own personal Zen, is the balance of who I am, who I was, where I am going. It is also knowing who I really am, inside. Let me tell you, dude. I thought I was Zen before quitting. Now, so much better. Even with calm and Zen, I have B.S. in my life. So, if it happens, roll with it homie. If not. Then, rock on cat. We cannot let the glory of our own light be taken away by the darkness we encounter. Daily, I wish for the disease that is in my body to be gone. No more wondering if I am going to have my last sleep. No more wondering if the kid around the corner is going to spray me with aerosol which will make micro fissures in my skin and tons of viruses and bacterias in and I go via lysol. But, that is a flashing thought. Just there. Short term. Then I am back to living a life. And as much as I would like to be the yogi of spirituality, I am far from it. However, I don't let the thoughts of a plausible future inhibit my groove. Besides, what is a few rocks in the road compared to a life time of smooth sailing? My fog lasted about 90 days give or take. What is 90 days versus a possible smooth lifetime?
Man reading this couldn't be any closer to home than actually being me.

First of, congrats on the first floor!

Next all the rage and going off and shit, it happens at first floor, and second floor so far and Im working on the 3rd floor and still raging. I have been on valium but its no longer really doing anything for me. I had to make a dr appointment and get back on something to help me. Im a raging nut job. HOWEVER, I am nic free.

I thank you Irish for posting your list of symptoms. It reminds me that I am not alone on this journey. Some days I go in to poor me mode or dick mode and what do I do? I Immediately run to my December 15 quit group and cry like a little baby and one thing I have noticed thus far is, no one has told me to shut the fuck up and deal with it. They have all supported me. WOW! Then I go listen to music, drink a couple beers and go on about my day.

If not for KTC and everyone helping each other, where on this Earth would we be today? I thank not only you Irish but everyone reading this and many that have came and gone.

Take care everyone and once again Irish, congrats on the HOF man. I know its late, but better late than never ;-) I quit with you EDD bud!

Ray - 289
Irish, thanks for sharing this stuff. Reading this today, I thought you were describing my past year or so. However, over the last few months, I've been able to catch myself. We just spent two weeks in Mexico, together every minute. Traditionally this would mean me blowing up at least a few times and sure drama at some point. It didn't happen. I have been able to stop my response before it even happens. I'm not sure why things are getting better, but there is hope.

Offline DjPorkchop

  • Hall of Fame Conductor
  • Quitter
  • ***
  • Posts: 3,872
  • Mother Fricker!!!
    • PaPa Ray's Photography
  • Quit Date: 9/17/2015
  • Interests: Brewing Beer and Building Cheap Smokers (UDS Drums)
  • Likes Given: 23
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #124 on: July 01, 2016, 03:44:00 PM »
Quote from: kubiackalpha
Quote from: Mike1966
Quote from: RDB1972
Quote from: wildirish317
Living with PAWs - day 128

Mood swings
Anxiety
Irritability
Tiredness
Variable energy
Low enthusiasm
Variable concentration
Disturbed sleep

Mrs. Irish and I started off on our daily walk with the dogs this morning. I had set two sprinklers out in the yard last evening, and ran them for a couple of hours because our grass is getting dry. The sod is less than a year old, and we are concerned that it may die if it gets too dry.

Mrs. Irish asked if the sprinklers had covered the entire yard, and I blew up. Our morning routine consists of a series of rituals that result in me leaving for work between 7:05 and 7:10. There is no room to add any tasks. Now I'm faced with repositioning the sprinklers and turning them on. I respond in an angry manner and, Mrs. Irish being who she is, took me to task.

She pointed out several occasions over the past couple of weeks where I have reacted in anger to normal life events. I hit my head on a lamp frame and let loose a long string of f-bombs, far too many than the event warranted, for example. Some of the things she told me about, I don't recall. I began to think maybe I'm losing my mind. I thought about NewTexican, and his enrollment in anger management classes.

Is this all due to quitting nicotine? Should I go back to nicotine to return to a normal life? (See how sneaky the nic bitch can be? I even had a dip dream last night.) I was totally freaked out. Then I remembered PAWs. Hell, it's in my signature. I click the link and there are the symptoms, plain as day. Anxious, irritable, tired, low enthusiasm, variable concentration, yes, that's how I feel. Damn. So, what do I do about it?

I click on the link that leads me to the PAWs web page.. Here, I find the beginning of my answer. I say beginning because these are general guidelines, and I have to figure out how to apply them to me, here and now. This is what I find:

"Give yourself lots of little breaks over the next two years. Tell yourself "what I am doing is enough." Be good to yourself. That is what most addicts can't do, and that's what you must learn in recovery. Recovery is the opposite of addiction.

Sometimes you'll have little energy or enthusiasm for anything. Understand this and don't over book your life. Give yourself permission to focus on your recovery."

And:

"Being able to relax will help you through post-acute withdrawal. When you're tense you tend to dwell on your symptoms and make them worse. When you're relaxed it's easier to not get caught up in them. You aren't as triggered by your symptoms which means you're less likely to relapse."

What I am doing is enough. Don't over-book myself. Learn to relax.

That's my plan.

I needed that today. I'm kind of stretched to my limit at the moment, and it's good to have an idea why. Thanks.
I'm dealing with the same thing. I consider myself a pretty calm person, but I find things that would normally just be annoying send me off into a day 1 quit-rage sometimes. Not always, I'm pretty calm most of the time now, but every once in awhile out of the blue, something will set me off and I'm boiling mad and it's like I'm standing on the outside watching it happen thinking, "WTF Mike, calm down!" My last quit attempt I did the same thing after 8 or 9 months. It'd be nice to hear from someone who's quit for 2 years plus comment on whether the rage episodes begin to go away in time.

By the way Irish, I keep re-reading your PAW article, hoping like hell they know what they're talking about. Even if it takes 2 years it'd be nice to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel
There is always light, man. Just need to understand that to have the light, there is going to be clouds and even darkness. Without the Moon, no one would be there to chase the Sun to come back up. The light, which I refer to as my own personal Zen, is the balance of who I am, who I was, where I am going. It is also knowing who I really am, inside. Let me tell you, dude. I thought I was Zen before quitting. Now, so much better. Even with calm and Zen, I have B.S. in my life. So, if it happens, roll with it homie. If not. Then, rock on cat. We cannot let the glory of our own light be taken away by the darkness we encounter. Daily, I wish for the disease that is in my body to be gone. No more wondering if I am going to have my last sleep. No more wondering if the kid around the corner is going to spray me with aerosol which will make micro fissures in my skin and tons of viruses and bacterias in and I go via lysol. But, that is a flashing thought. Just there. Short term. Then I am back to living a life. And as much as I would like to be the yogi of spirituality, I am far from it. However, I don't let the thoughts of a plausible future inhibit my groove. Besides, what is a few rocks in the road compared to a life time of smooth sailing? My fog lasted about 90 days give or take. What is 90 days versus a possible smooth lifetime?
Man reading this couldn't be any closer to home than actually being me.

First of, congrats on the first floor!

Next all the rage and going off and shit, it happens at first floor, and second floor so far and Im working on the 3rd floor and still raging. I have been on valium but its no longer really doing anything for me. I had to make a dr appointment and get back on something to help me. Im a raging nut job. HOWEVER, I am nic free.

I thank you Irish for posting your list of symptoms. It reminds me that I am not alone on this journey. Some days I go in to poor me mode or dick mode and what do I do? I Immediately run to my December 15 quit group and cry like a little baby and one thing I have noticed thus far is, no one has told me to shut the fuck up and deal with it. They have all supported me. WOW! Then I go listen to music, drink a couple beers and go on about my day.

If not for KTC and everyone helping each other, where on this Earth would we be today? I thank not only you Irish but everyone reading this and many that have came and gone.

Take care everyone and once again Irish, congrats on the HOF man. I know its late, but better late than never ;-) I quit with you EDD bud!

Ray - 289
If I could I would. If I don't, it's because I am lazy.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Offline kubiackalpha

  • Quitter
  • **
  • Posts: 2,064
  • Interests: Boobs, Butts (on females)....is there anything else that would be of interest? I can't think of any.
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #123 on: July 01, 2016, 03:09:00 PM »
Quote from: Mike1966
Quote from: RDB1972
Quote from: wildirish317
Living with PAWs - day 128

Mood swings
Anxiety
Irritability
Tiredness
Variable energy
Low enthusiasm
Variable concentration
Disturbed sleep

Mrs. Irish and I started off on our daily walk with the dogs this morning. I had set two sprinklers out in the yard last evening, and ran them for a couple of hours because our grass is getting dry. The sod is less than a year old, and we are concerned that it may die if it gets too dry.

Mrs. Irish asked if the sprinklers had covered the entire yard, and I blew up. Our morning routine consists of a series of rituals that result in me leaving for work between 7:05 and 7:10. There is no room to add any tasks. Now I'm faced with repositioning the sprinklers and turning them on. I respond in an angry manner and, Mrs. Irish being who she is, took me to task.

She pointed out several occasions over the past couple of weeks where I have reacted in anger to normal life events. I hit my head on a lamp frame and let loose a long string of f-bombs, far too many than the event warranted, for example. Some of the things she told me about, I don't recall. I began to think maybe I'm losing my mind. I thought about NewTexican, and his enrollment in anger management classes.

Is this all due to quitting nicotine? Should I go back to nicotine to return to a normal life? (See how sneaky the nic bitch can be? I even had a dip dream last night.) I was totally freaked out. Then I remembered PAWs. Hell, it's in my signature. I click the link and there are the symptoms, plain as day. Anxious, irritable, tired, low enthusiasm, variable concentration, yes, that's how I feel. Damn. So, what do I do about it?

I click on the link that leads me to the PAWs web page.. Here, I find the beginning of my answer. I say beginning because these are general guidelines, and I have to figure out how to apply them to me, here and now. This is what I find:

"Give yourself lots of little breaks over the next two years. Tell yourself "what I am doing is enough." Be good to yourself. That is what most addicts can't do, and that's what you must learn in recovery. Recovery is the opposite of addiction.

Sometimes you'll have little energy or enthusiasm for anything. Understand this and don't over book your life. Give yourself permission to focus on your recovery."

And:

"Being able to relax will help you through post-acute withdrawal. When you're tense you tend to dwell on your symptoms and make them worse. When you're relaxed it's easier to not get caught up in them. You aren't as triggered by your symptoms which means you're less likely to relapse."

What I am doing is enough. Don't over-book myself. Learn to relax.

That's my plan.

I needed that today. I'm kind of stretched to my limit at the moment, and it's good to have an idea why. Thanks.
I'm dealing with the same thing. I consider myself a pretty calm person, but I find things that would normally just be annoying send me off into a day 1 quit-rage sometimes. Not always, I'm pretty calm most of the time now, but every once in awhile out of the blue, something will set me off and I'm boiling mad and it's like I'm standing on the outside watching it happen thinking, "WTF Mike, calm down!" My last quit attempt I did the same thing after 8 or 9 months. It'd be nice to hear from someone who's quit for 2 years plus comment on whether the rage episodes begin to go away in time.

By the way Irish, I keep re-reading your PAW article, hoping like hell they know what they're talking about. Even if it takes 2 years it'd be nice to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel
There is always light, man. Just need to understand that to have the light, there is going to be clouds and even darkness. Without the Moon, no one would be there to chase the Sun to come back up. The light, which I refer to as my own personal Zen, is the balance of who I am, who I was, where I am going. It is also knowing who I really am, inside. Let me tell you, dude. I thought I was Zen before quitting. Now, so much better. Even with calm and Zen, I have B.S. in my life. So, if it happens, roll with it homie. If not. Then, rock on cat. We cannot let the glory of our own light be taken away by the darkness we encounter. Daily, I wish for the disease that is in my body to be gone. No more wondering if I am going to have my last sleep. No more wondering if the kid around the corner is going to spray me with aerosol which will make micro fissures in my skin and tons of viruses and bacterias in and I go via lysol. But, that is a flashing thought. Just there. Short term. Then I am back to living a life. And as much as I would like to be the yogi of spirituality, I am far from it. However, I don't let the thoughts of a plausible future inhibit my groove. Besides, what is a few rocks in the road compared to a life time of smooth sailing? My fog lasted about 90 days give or take. What is 90 days versus a possible smooth lifetime?

Offline Mike1966

  • Hall of Fame Conductor
  • Master of Quit
  • ***
  • Posts: 23,395
  • Quit Date: 4/18/2016
  • Likes Given: 76
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #122 on: July 01, 2016, 10:51:00 AM »
Quote from: RDB1972
Quote from: wildirish317
Living with PAWs - day 128

Mood swings
Anxiety
Irritability
Tiredness
Variable energy
Low enthusiasm
Variable concentration
Disturbed sleep

Mrs. Irish and I started off on our daily walk with the dogs this morning. I had set two sprinklers out in the yard last evening, and ran them for a couple of hours because our grass is getting dry. The sod is less than a year old, and we are concerned that it may die if it gets too dry.

Mrs. Irish asked if the sprinklers had covered the entire yard, and I blew up. Our morning routine consists of a series of rituals that result in me leaving for work between 7:05 and 7:10. There is no room to add any tasks. Now I'm faced with repositioning the sprinklers and turning them on. I respond in an angry manner and, Mrs. Irish being who she is, took me to task.

She pointed out several occasions over the past couple of weeks where I have reacted in anger to normal life events. I hit my head on a lamp frame and let loose a long string of f-bombs, far too many than the event warranted, for example. Some of the things she told me about, I don't recall. I began to think maybe I'm losing my mind. I thought about NewTexican, and his enrollment in anger management classes.

Is this all due to quitting nicotine? Should I go back to nicotine to return to a normal life? (See how sneaky the nic bitch can be? I even had a dip dream last night.) I was totally freaked out. Then I remembered PAWs. Hell, it's in my signature. I click the link and there are the symptoms, plain as day. Anxious, irritable, tired, low enthusiasm, variable concentration, yes, that's how I feel. Damn. So, what do I do about it?

I click on the link that leads me to the PAWs web page.. Here, I find the beginning of my answer. I say beginning because these are general guidelines, and I have to figure out how to apply them to me, here and now. This is what I find:

"Give yourself lots of little breaks over the next two years. Tell yourself "what I am doing is enough." Be good to yourself. That is what most addicts can't do, and that's what you must learn in recovery. Recovery is the opposite of addiction.

Sometimes you'll have little energy or enthusiasm for anything. Understand this and don't over book your life. Give yourself permission to focus on your recovery."

And:

"Being able to relax will help you through post-acute withdrawal. When you're tense you tend to dwell on your symptoms and make them worse. When you're relaxed it's easier to not get caught up in them. You aren't as triggered by your symptoms which means you're less likely to relapse."

What I am doing is enough. Don't over-book myself. Learn to relax.

That's my plan.

I needed that today. I'm kind of stretched to my limit at the moment, and it's good to have an idea why. Thanks.
I'm dealing with the same thing. I consider myself a pretty calm person, but I find things that would normally just be annoying send me off into a day 1 quit-rage sometimes. Not always, I'm pretty calm most of the time now, but every once in awhile out of the blue, something will set me off and I'm boiling mad and it's like I'm standing on the outside watching it happen thinking, "WTF Mike, calm down!" My last quit attempt I did the same thing after 8 or 9 months. It'd be nice to hear from someone who's quit for 2 years plus comment on whether the rage episodes begin to go away in time.

By the way Irish, I keep re-reading your PAW article, hoping like hell they know what they're talking about. Even if it takes 2 years it'd be nice to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel
Just one and you will be back where you started.
And where you started was desperately wishing
you were where you are right now.

Offline RDB

  • Quit Spartan
  • Quit Pro
  • ***
  • Posts: 8,403
  • Quit Date 1/22/16
  • Likes Given: 4
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #121 on: July 01, 2016, 10:30:00 AM »
Quote from: wildirish317
Living with PAWs - day 128

Mood swings
Anxiety
Irritability
Tiredness
Variable energy
Low enthusiasm
Variable concentration
Disturbed sleep

Mrs. Irish and I started off on our daily walk with the dogs this morning. I had set two sprinklers out in the yard last evening, and ran them for a couple of hours because our grass is getting dry. The sod is less than a year old, and we are concerned that it may die if it gets too dry.

Mrs. Irish asked if the sprinklers had covered the entire yard, and I blew up. Our morning routine consists of a series of rituals that result in me leaving for work between 7:05 and 7:10. There is no room to add any tasks. Now I'm faced with repositioning the sprinklers and turning them on. I respond in an angry manner and, Mrs. Irish being who she is, took me to task.

She pointed out several occasions over the past couple of weeks where I have reacted in anger to normal life events. I hit my head on a lamp frame and let loose a long string of f-bombs, far too many than the event warranted, for example. Some of the things she told me about, I don't recall. I began to think maybe I'm losing my mind. I thought about NewTexican, and his enrollment in anger management classes.

Is this all due to quitting nicotine? Should I go back to nicotine to return to a normal life? (See how sneaky the nic bitch can be? I even had a dip dream last night.) I was totally freaked out. Then I remembered PAWs. Hell, it's in my signature. I click the link and there are the symptoms, plain as day. Anxious, irritable, tired, low enthusiasm, variable concentration, yes, that's how I feel. Damn. So, what do I do about it?

I click on the link that leads me to the PAWs web page.. Here, I find the beginning of my answer. I say beginning because these are general guidelines, and I have to figure out how to apply them to me, here and now. This is what I find:

"Give yourself lots of little breaks over the next two years. Tell yourself "what I am doing is enough." Be good to yourself. That is what most addicts can't do, and that's what you must learn in recovery. Recovery is the opposite of addiction.

Sometimes you'll have little energy or enthusiasm for anything. Understand this and don't over book your life. Give yourself permission to focus on your recovery."

And:

"Being able to relax will help you through post-acute withdrawal. When you're tense you tend to dwell on your symptoms and make them worse. When you're relaxed it's easier to not get caught up in them. You aren't as triggered by your symptoms which means you're less likely to relapse."

What I am doing is enough. Don't over-book myself. Learn to relax.

That's my plan.

I needed that today. I'm kind of stretched to my limit at the moment, and it's good to have an idea why. Thanks.

Offline wildirish317

  • Free
  • Quitting MoFo
  • *****
  • Posts: 13,810
  • Past the cravings Past the drama Still an addict
  • Quit Date: 2/25/2016
  • Interests: I am the most boring person you will ever meet.
  • Likes Given: 15
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #120 on: July 01, 2016, 09:16:00 AM »
Living with PAWs - day 128

Mood swings
Anxiety
Irritability
Tiredness
Variable energy
Low enthusiasm
Variable concentration
Disturbed sleep

Mrs. Irish and I started off on our daily walk with the dogs this morning. I had set two sprinklers out in the yard last evening, and ran them for a couple of hours because our grass is getting dry. The sod is less than a year old, and we are concerned that it may die if it gets too dry.

Mrs. Irish asked if the sprinklers had covered the entire yard, and I blew up. Our morning routine consists of a series of rituals that result in me leaving for work between 7:05 and 7:10. There is no room to add any tasks. Now I'm faced with repositioning the sprinklers and turning them on. I respond in an angry manner and, Mrs. Irish being who she is, took me to task.

She pointed out several occasions over the past couple of weeks where I have reacted in anger to normal life events. I hit my head on a lamp frame and let loose a long string of f-bombs, far too many than the event warranted, for example. Some of the things she told me about, I don't recall. I began to think maybe I'm losing my mind. I thought about NewTexican, and his enrollment in anger management classes.

Is this all due to quitting nicotine? Should I go back to nicotine to return to a normal life? (See how sneaky the nic bitch can be? I even had a dip dream last night.) I was totally freaked out. Then I remembered PAWs. Hell, it's in my signature. I click the link and there are the symptoms, plain as day. Anxious, irritable, tired, low enthusiasm, variable concentration, yes, that's how I feel. Damn. So, what do I do about it?

I click on the link that leads me to the PAWs web page.. Here, I find the beginning of my answer. I say beginning because these are general guidelines, and I have to figure out how to apply them to me, here and now. This is what I find:

"Give yourself lots of little breaks over the next two years. Tell yourself "what I am doing is enough." Be good to yourself. That is what most addicts can't do, and that's what you must learn in recovery. Recovery is the opposite of addiction.

Sometimes you'll have little energy or enthusiasm for anything. Understand this and don't over book your life. Give yourself permission to focus on your recovery."

And:

"Being able to relax will help you through post-acute withdrawal. When you're tense you tend to dwell on your symptoms and make them worse. When you're relaxed it's easier to not get caught up in them. You aren't as triggered by your symptoms which means you're less likely to relapse."

What I am doing is enough. Don't over-book myself. Learn to relax.

That's my plan.
“Everything good that has happened to me has happened as a direct result of helping someone else, everything". - Danny Trejo

Offline ChickDip

  • Hall of Fame Conductor
  • Master of Quit
  • ***
  • Posts: 44,731
  • July 2015 Jackals
    • HOF speech
  • Quit Date: 3/30/2015
  • Interests: (July2015 Quit Group) ((7-07-2015 100 days)) ....Quit Day March 30.... Fish Slaying, Hunting, Camping, Hiking, Mtn Biking, Cooking, Sammich-making, Poker, movies, watching Pro Baseball, anything outdoors
  • Likes Given: 2012
Re: Today, I quit. Tomorrow, I'll quit again
« Reply #119 on: June 03, 2016, 03:36:00 PM »
Quote from: JGlav
Quote from: newtexican
Quote from: KingNothing
Quote from: AppleJack
Quote from: KKLJINC
Congrats Wild, on the 100 days, I know that first floor is a lot of work. Thanks for posting with June of 13 everyday, it's nice to see your progression. Celebrate you deserve it.

KK
Grats on that 100, man!
Congrats Irish on that first floor. You're a leader and it shows. Keep it up. 'oh yeah'
You sir have done well for yourself and for several in the group. Congrats and we all appreciate your support through our individual quits.
I appreciate you taking the time to show me the ropes and welcoming me into the group.
#Junited Hall of Famer and BAQ
Have to come in and congratulate an Irishman.
Awesome day for you today, I knew you were legit from the beginning.
Keep it up.!!
Congrats Irish!
July 2015 Jackals - House of WUPP
"....the load doesn't weigh me down at all, he ain't heavy he's my brother"
Try to believe that you are worth more than you think, and others are worth more than you think.
"If you haven't... Quit now......If you have... Stay that way " ~AppleJack
"Make It Through Today" WarE2013 (Rest Easy)
"I am quit... for today... with you... but not FOR you" ~LBP
"Endeavor to Persevere!" Lone Waite

my intro / my HOF speech / my comma club
Building a Strong Quit / My HOF Day