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syndrome
syndrome:
--- Quote ---Really Worth It
It kinda felt like walking on shells all the way up to this point but honestly the eggshell mess is only the first few weeks of your quit. Once your body starts to make the adjustments of not having the nicotine and you start learning new coping mechanisms ( why you used snuff in the first place - like stress) it's a whole new ballgame. The days are so much easier. It's extremely rewarding knowing I had conquered my greatest fear. To be able to love myself. To give my body and health the attention it needed. It's very empowering. Quitting snuff has honestly helped me - well find me. I don't know if that will make sense to you or not. You might not be in the same mind frame that I have at this point but one day you'll know exactly what I am talking about and say .. "Oh wow! This is really worth it!"
I've been working on some emotional stuff lately. I need to start leaving the past where it is and taking the one day at time slogan for everything in my life; not just nicotine! Life is so precious! I love this new journey I'm traveling on now. Does it get easier? Oh yes! Will I still have those moments of wanting snuff? Oh yes! But the more time I have without that nasty habit sticking out of my mouth the better at peace I am - this is the way it's going to be for me. There's no looking back. I hope others follow in my footsteps and reclaim what is so rightfully theirs. Reclaim your honesty, your loyalty, your freedom - hell reclaim your smile! You're really worth it!
I have so many people to thank and yet thanks doesn't even come close to repaying any of you back for the happiness and sometimes sanity you bring into my life. To my husband and boys: I pray to God that I'm able to show you every moment on how much you truly are loved by me. Thank you for forgiving me for all the missed memories and delayed events because of my addiction. You are my world!
Thank you to this very site for providing me with the tools and guidance needed to stay quit! Euty - you were the very first person to respond to my cry for help. sbtzc - you actually showed me how and why to post roll in April 2007 but you never told me how much they would become such a huge part of me. Thanks to the both of you! Gosh, I fear that I will leave someone out and so please don't hold it against me. My girls - Ashley, Janhawke, lawen4cer, Rayne and I can't leave out Hope and Jenny Kern! The latter of the two though we've never spoken I feel a great connection with. Hope - for your fine words of wisdom! Thank you for Contract to Give Up and just writing and posting. It's helped heal so many. Jenny Kern - for your courage and strength through such tragedy and for helping me realize I am hurting the ones I love by dipping. I'm slowly killing myself. Ashley, Janhawke, Rose, Rayne - for showing me I have two feet to stand on and that sometimes when I stumble it's not a mistake but a learning process. I love you all dearly!
Killer - thank you for the talks and all the time and effort you put into the beginning of my quit! Lots of days were a struggle. Thank you QT, WhoDey, loot, TJHook, Capt Jack, RC, beatdabear, pithull, Remshot, arbcubed, Copewquitn, 7iron, OkieFire, grunt0302, Aquaman43, Virginia Jim, SplinterCell, Wranglerman, Woodman, rodeo timer, 3boysdad, my crew in the chatroom, above all April 07 Quittin' Spittin' Crew - my men and yes I call each and every one of you men for having the balls to post roll day in and day out and still listen to my crap - I love you all - thank you for never letting your sister down.
.. umm, I feel I'm going to leave someone out .. dang it .. everyone at this site THANK YOU!
Last but definately not least -
Chewie, ODT, Penguin, Spongebob .. you all have been a Gold mine to me. I look up to you and learn from you constantly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I hope reading this you realize how important your quit brothers and sisters are ... how strangers at first can become friends with a strong bond and to think we did it all without dip!
ps) Remember I wrote this 'cause .. well 'cause you're really worth it!
-mylilsecret
Day 200
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syndrome:
--- Quote ---Thursday, January 4th 2007 .........................
That day was like any other in my life. A few weeks before, I made a New Years resolution I would quit. Of course, that never happened. Four days into 2007 and I was still getting up in the morning and grabbing for my can. But for some reason that day I didn't want it. It could've been because I didn't have any cash on me or that my van was being repaired. Maybe .. it's because I wanted to see how many hours I could quit. Maybe I just wanted to look in the mirror for once without having a dip in my mouth or maybe .. just maybe I wanted my boys not to see their mom sneaking around; taking time away from them for a dip. I'm not sure what it was that day. It could have been a combination of all those and more. But something somehow, someway made me realize I don't need this in my life anymore.
Mostly men are here at the site. Some dipped in front of family, friends and peers and some were closet dippers like myself yet I felt like the men always had an advantage over me. The men could still come out to family, friends and co-workers, if they wanted to, and say "I used to dip but I quit. I'm finding it hard to concentrate, sleep or whatever." Female ex-dippers aren't that fortunate, at least in my case, I feel that way. I wasn't "the type" who dipped. Well, .. what freakin' type was I? Honestly addiction doesn't discriminate. It'll take a hold of you and won't let go, .. whatever the cost maybe.
I was embarrassed when I dipped and was equally as embarrassed when I quit. Who was I going to tell? Who was I going to share my experiences with? My milestones and accomplishments were only recognized by me or this site. My husband and boys never talk about my addiction or how well I was doing. They don't dare discuss my quit, in fear that doing so, might make me think about my former lifestyle and force me to get a can. I would be so excited to tell my husband, "It's 50, 75, 100 days for me!" His replied would be, "That's great, Honey. So proud of you!" He would continue the conversation but change the topic totally. I felt like it didn't matter. I confronted him about it and that's where I learned that it was a hush hush type thing. Don't talk about the secret and it never happened. I know I can't force someone to see or feel what it's like not to be the prisoner of ones own addiction. I suppose after all those times of me telling him I was quit and then finding out that I wasn't, had finally caught up to me. It's like the fable we read to our children, The Boy That Cries Wolf. As the moral states at the end: "Even when liars tell the truth, they are never believed. The liar will lie once, twice, and then perish when he tells the truth." I think I resent myself because I haven't been able to enjoy my quit because of all the lies I had told about my addiction. Not just to my husband, but family and friends.
It makes me cherish what I have here and the friends that I have made. Positive, encouraging words are everything to the one who reads them. Sometimes you touch a persons life by just saying a few simple words like ... I believe in you! Because you see, no one believed that I could accomplish this. They believed that I would falter and be a disappointment once more. I know I'm the only one to blame for that.
We may never see one another face to face but you have helped me endure everything so far, ... every moment, every second of this quit. I don't know if there will ever come a day that I can admit to the ones around me that for 20+ years I used to dip Copenhagen. Maybe that time will never come. But it's ok. I have you and others here to lean on for encouragement and trust in my fight to stay quit.
Each of you will never truly understand how much you've made a difference in my life!
One day I hope, .. I can return the favor and make a difference in yours.
-mylilsecret
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syndrome:
--- Quote ---Im not here to say my life was far worse than anyone elses. Im just paving a roadway so others can see that in life; particular mountains may stand in our way. We might not be able to go around or even over top of them like some. Its at these moments we get discouraged. Unfortunately most are at a standstill and remain that way. The rest will finally see in order to overcome this obstacle they must dig down deep.
Some may relate to this in different ways about quitting. It just so happens that mine is about negative thoughts of myself whether it was self love, worth, esteem or talents, I had little if any up until now.
And you helped me succeed in that. Thank you!!
(read below to see how)
At the start of my quit I thought I was basically quitting my addiction. Though as I sifted through pieces of my life. I noticed that quitting also helped me to heal in other ways.
During my childhood I heard quite frequently, Why do you write? Who wants to read any thing you have to say? You know, this is really garbage, Nicole. Just like you, .. garbage. At this time I showed absolutely no emotion. I didnt want him to feel any satisfaction for his actions. So he found another way to once again bring pain into my life. Hed tear up anything I wrote and made sure to do it before my eyes. He glorified in seeing my pain. Thats when I started to hide anything I wrote. My hiding spot for my notebook was at the very bottom of my clothes dresser. I would take the bottom drawer out, laying my notebook flat then replacing the drawer. He never found it. No one has known about that until now. Not my mom, my husband
no one until my therapy session. In that session I brought the bad and the good. The negative and positive. My therapist hadnt heard back from April, the person who wanted to take a look at my work and see which publisher I should send an excerpt of my book to. I felt uneasy at that point but she followed up by saying she knew someone else in Palm Beach if April was too busy. I relaxed some as I told her tonight was going to be all about me. First my negative past and then my positive present. Each were going to collided for the first time ever. I showed her the homemade cards, letters, poems and even a picture of my mom, dad and me that I hated. Why had I kept all these things for so long? Each time I moved from house to house, state to state this box came with me. This baggage reminded me of an ugly past. It stayed within the corner of my closet yet ever so often Id pull it out to read and remember why I wasnt good enough.
As I read each of them to her, I noticed everything written showed a little girl aching so badly for her fathers affection and love even to the point of begging.
I unfolded this tattered paper remembering back as to why it was written.
My father hated when I called the police. I honestly dont understand why because they never took him away and he never got in trouble. He always had excuses. One night after they left he pulled me aside by grabbing my hair and brought my face to his. His fermented breath disgusted me but I only remember of that now. Back then my eyes were fixated to his lips as he yelled about how if the police had to keep coming out they would finally take my brother and me away. Not him. I would never see my mother again. He told me, Now go write a note about how you dont want to leave your mother because you love your home. Then if they do come to get you Ill have your note.
To my therapist from tattered paper I read, Daddy, I love you! I always want to be by you and never go away. I love you, Daddy because you teach me right from wrong. You are the best Daddy! My home is the best because my Daddy is the best. My Daddy is nice and I dont want to go any where. I love my home. I love my Daddy.
Your loving daughter,
Nicole
I love you Daddy!!!
There were little hearts and flowers colored like border around the I love you part. After reading this I felt completely sick. I was suppose to write how I liked my home and didnt want to leave my mommy. Yet I wrote all about him and how he was the best. If I hated him so much then why to hell was I writing about never wanting to leave him? Was I brainwashed? Maybe so, but this letter oozed of a little girl craving love.
Now after reading several letters I pushed the negative to the side of me and read my references / recommendations from everyone here. Even though, April hadnt read them yet I wanted to share some with Kellie, my therapist. There were a few I read ahead of time but most I hadnt. I only picked a few to read since our session was now well over an hour. I read those that I knew were positive. Then she told me to pick three I hadnt read so she could read them aloud. I dont know if there is a word or words to capture this extraordinary feeling I had of self worthiness and accomplishment for inspiring some in their quit. From quitters who had 3 ½ years to those who had 10 days wrote such positive encouraging words about me. I began to cry not of sadness but absolute joy. Kellie picked up the old negative papers of the past and said, You were told growing up youd become nothing. Then touching the letters from which she had just read. Nicole, yet here I surely see how youve become someone quite special. And you did it through the one thing your father couldnt take away. Your passion and love for writing. So why are you holding onto such negative objects from the past when you have so much positive within your life now? Through the tears, I picked up the negative pile and slammed it into her trash can. Ohh, how exhilarating that felt!
She asked to read some articles .. the first being, Dear Potential Quitter. She stated, Wow, how powerful. I could really use this in one of my workshops. Who wrote this? I said, Youre kidding me, .. right? Umm, Kellie, I wrote that. She laughed stating at the end of the article she didnt know who mls was. Our session lasted well over two hours and as we walked down the stairs to go home I asked if I could grab the trash from her office. I wanted to really throw it away! Now as I carried the bag down and out the door there stood two city trash cans on the curb. One nice green Waste-Management can and one ugly beat-up old trash can. Which one, Kellie? ..
Which one do you think, Nicole? ..
I pushed the bag into the old can.
I smiled as I got into my van. I had thrown away things that for some reason I held onto. I had quit some of the negative thinking and looked towards the positive within me.
Just like the quit with my addiction I would have to take baby steps in order to reach goals and accomplishments. And just because I threw away some negative thoughts didnt mean I was out of the woods yet. I have a huge journey.
I honestly thought quitting meant of a physical attribute not an emotional one. Whoa, was I ever wrong!
mylilsecret
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syndrome:
--- Quote ---Within The Trance
Slowly it creeps into the darkness of my world. At a weak and vulnerable state; a time where Im unable to think rationally since Im nestled cozy amidst the warmth of my bed. The addict trance within allows me to believe that I have forsaken the vow that I took today. It haunts me to know that I have let myself and others down.
Each night within the addict trance it repeats itself over and over again. Before long it has me to believe Im taking one dip secretly. It tries to show me how easily I could hide it from my family. Hell, I could hide it from you. I breath in deeply as reality emerges to clear the thick fog that held me captive; yet a voice softly escapes; it begs and pleads with me. It wants me to accept I can have a dip since Ive been dreaming about it.
Thats when I remember the past I have endured throughout my quit. I recite my HOF speech and others. I look to my very first post where I was so fragile and weak. Ive grown stronger since then. That voice will always lurk just beyond the shadows to try and regain control.
But I wont allow it! And its angry with me. For years Ive been a servant to this overbearing beast and it doesnt understand why I want to change. It wants to suck the life right out of me; to my very last breath.
It will not regain control. I can and will do this; not for my family, not for my children, not for anyone other than myself! As I see you within your quit, you inspire me; you bestow upon me strength and that my friend gives me power. The power to stay quit! And for that I am deeply indebted to you.
-mylilsecret
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syndrome:
--- Quote ---So Now What?
You've finally made the decision to quit. .............. Well, let me be the first to congratulate you.
Umm, so now what?
It's not easy as you know and all of us before coming here have tried quitting several times only to fail again and again. Truthfully, your quit here will be so much different than any of your last attempts.
First, you have what's called your quit group. These are men and women quitting their addiction to the same substance that brought you here to begin with. Your group will enter the Hall of Fame (HOF) after 100 days. Within your group you'll be able to share, vent and yes argue amongst one another. This creates your bond, ..... your brotherhood.
Second, accountability is used here just like in any other recovery atmosphere. When you post your user name and quit date, you are pledging for that day ONLY you will remain free from any form of tobacco/nicotine. Remember your pledge is for that day! Do not think ahead. I promise you the first days are hell but they are doable. You'll go through many physical, mental and emotional withdrawals. Day 1 to 3 more physical. Headaches, body aches, stomach cramps, constipation, jaw pain, mouth sores .. heck, I could go on and on. But believe me it's normal. Drink lots of water to flush out your system. All that nicotine that was once cycling itself rapidly through your veins has diminished.
On Day 4 to ?, you unfortunately are about to begin with what I like to call "Mental Pursuit". You are about to pursue your sanity. Believe me there were times I thought I had the good me on one shoulder and a bad me on the other. And yes, both were constantly bickering on why I should or shouldn't buy a can of snuff or take just one dip. It does seem little funny now but during the time I almost said screw it - - JUST GIVE ME A CAN! But I didn't. You know why? Accountability to my quit group. I posted that day!
Also you'll be less likely to concentrate. (The Fog) You may feel somewhat lost or confused. You will experience dip dreams. A dream as if you've taken a dip and betrayed your group. Some of these dreams seem very real but they are normal to have.
The mind games I hate to say will last through out your recovery but they do thankfully become less and less frequent. During the next few months you'll start to gain confidence and then that's when the emotional part comes into play. You'll have feelings of loneliness and abandonment. You might also feel as if you've lost a friend or the death of a loved one. This is the beginning of your healing. During this time you'll retrain your brain. Remember those every day activities you did with dip? Well, you now can do them without it. It's hard! But it can be done. And it takes time .. try not to be hard on yourself. It doesn't happen overnight or within a few weeks. I never thought I would be able to write again yet I started to realize I didn't need a big wad of dip to write. I just needed my confidence.
Last but not least, you'll need the support and resources. That's where all the others here and I come into play. In order to be successful you must be willing to make friends, get phone numbers and chat. Honestly, we're not shy! .. umm, k .. maybe I am a bit .. =) Yeah right! .. And don't be afraid to read! Educate yourself because knowledge is your strength!
Some final footnotes:
Never underestimate the power of addiction.
After 100 days (HOF) don't let your confidence get the best of you.
Your recovery is a progress in work.
Never look ahead. Think only of today. You can make it through.
You'll constantly have high and low points in life but none of which is worth putting a dip in for.
Dipping will not get rid of or get you a job, spouse, money, a Lamborghini, mistress, promotion or for that matter the execution of a co-worker who got your promotion. - - - - Just Deal With It! =P
===============================================================
I hope this in some way will familiarize you to what the site is all about!
... Helping you stay quit!
-mylilsecret
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