536 / 1
Things are just not right...
For any newer quitters that stumble their way back here you need to know that things DO get better. Funks continue to come and go and some seem to be worse than others, but overall it's a truly amazing feeling to be free. I have been in a funk. I still am in some ways, but I can feel myself pulling out of it. This one was rough. It didn't just catch me a little off guard - it was incredibly specific. Most everything is going well. I'm not struggling with my quit. Things at work are great (albeit busy). Things at home are fantastic. My sister and her branch of the tree are still struggling (a long story I've already overshared with some so no details here), but I really don't have to deal with that day-to-day so to me it feels like progress on that front.
Nope, this one smacked me right in the one place it could do some real damage if I let it - my KTC participation.Let's be honest... Every single one of us asks these questions at one time or another -
"How long am I going to continue to post roll? Is there a point where I feel like I can comfortably stop posting, but preserve my quit permanently?" These are simple questions, but there are no simple answers. The answers to these questions are going to vary wildly depending on who is answering them. What works for me isn't necessarily going to work for you. What works for you is likely not going to be my first choice.
I am an addict. I am a FUCKING ADDICT! I AM A FUCKING ADDICT!!!So, let's start with that. What does that even mean? We encourage people to understand the difference between a bad habit (chewing your fingernails) and an addiction (nicotine). We want them to say the words. We want them to attack this with the seriousness and resolve that it requires. This addiction is every bit as powerful as ANY you can possibly have, and the withdrawals are as intense and the recovery as long as any other serious addiction (heroin, etc).
It seems like we focus so much on admitting that "I an addict" that we lose sight of the simplest part of what that means at times - I'm not capable of making a rational split second decision on my own with respect to the substance that I have abused in the past.That means, to me, that I need to answer the questions I asked earlier in my ramblings this morning with that thought in mind:
How long am I going to continue to post roll? - Today. I am going to post roll today. As an addict I don't get to plan long term. I don't get to say that I can stop posting after 100 days or a year or two or three or any other set period of time. My focus must be to remain nicotine free for today, and today only. After 32 years of stuffing that shit into my face I've given up the right and the ability to be able to do anything other than say I will be quit for today.
Is there a point where I feel like I can comfortably stop posting, but preserve my quit permanently? - The short answer is I don't know. I have made and kept my promise for 536 days. I dipped for roughly 11,680. That's a very sobering thought. I have been "clean" roughly 4.5% as long as I've used. Clearly I can't expect that my recovery is complete at this point. This funk is PROOF that I'm still not "cured". As an addict that has spent more than a few minutes researching addiction and recovery I understand that I will NEVER be cured. Never. Never is a very, very long time from now.
A reminder for me:
I've spent quite a bit of time over the last few days trying to figure out what I want to say and do with respect to all of the things that have gone on recently. To be honest, the biggest reason that I've taken a couple of days off (other than roll and the SSOA) is because I didn't want to say something I didn't mean or without fully considering the implications. I'm STILL not sure I'm prepared to do this, but it needs to be done before it festers into something it shouldn't.
I came here to quit. KTC has for sure helped me with that. Could I have done this on my own? Maybe. I did make it a year and a half on my own without KTC in my distant past. I didn't quit that time though, did I? So, given that I feel "more quit" this time I must need this place, right?
- Or -
Is it the people I've met here along the way that are keeping me quit now? These brothers and sisters that I have posted with day in and day out. Laughed with. Cried with. Raged with. Texted with. Built real relationships with. I never EVER would have expected to make these kinds of connections at an internet "quit site", but I have. Is it possible that now I need the PEOPLE in my quit, and not the SITE itself? And, What if some of those people are no longer here???
The reality is that I know I need both. I can't walk away from KTC at this point in my life. Sure, maybe there's a 99% chance I'm ok without it. Is it worth that 1% to find out? Fuck no! I won't do anything to even remotely risk my quit. I also feel like I owe it to newer quitters to give back. So many people have supported me since the beginning and it wouldn't be right to not pay that forward. So, I'm sticking around as long as I can. I'm sure as fuck not abandoning my brothers either. They may not be able to post here with us, but that doesn't prevent me from texting with them offline and supporting them there.
...
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Steve
I've been digging through the archives looking for other things I've posted, but that's a good enough reminder for now. I left off the parts of the post that don't really apply here to avoid triggering some...
Now, on to the "1" I posted above...When I quit dipping 536 days ago it was the culmination of a long decision making process. I was killing myself in multiple ways, and it was a matter of picking one to be rid of first. Nicotine was that choice - I knew that it had to go first. Now, it's time to tackle the other with the same kind of vigor. Today is Day 1 of my "Get healthy" challenge to myself:
Rather than choose one of the "fad" diets (regardless of how well they seem to work for some, like Keto), I've made a decision to simply eat healthier and control portions. I believe that this will, for me, be better long term and will give me the best chance to be successful going forward. At first I'm not even going to count calories. I don't need to. I eat too much. I'm going to eat less. That's good enough to start. I lost 27 pounds (I believe) during the weight loss challenge I participated in here at KTC doing this over the course of a couple of months before I jacked up my back, so I know it will work for me.
The second part of this is to increase my activity level - this I'll need to do in increments. For the first couple of weeks, my plan is to add seven additional miles per week. A mile a day. After that, an additional half mile a day for the next two weeks, and so on: (1) Two weeks at +7, (2) Two weeks at plus 10.5, (3) Two weeks at plus 14, (4) Two weeks at plus 17.5, and (5) Two weeks at plus 21. That means by the end of May I should be adding approximately three miles per day above and beyond what I'm doing daily now.
I'll be reporting my weight loss here every Monday, along with my increase in activity, in order to be accountable to myself and anyone else that wants to help whip me into better shape.
It's time for a change. That's the change. It needs to happen.
