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Kybo

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kybo:
Originally posted on March 19th, 2018

Day 72

I have seen some discussions on KTC over the last several weeks where some members have talked about reevaluating their desire/need to quit after a period of time. I haven't read anything where anyone was actively planning to start using tobacco again, but I have seen some discussions where people were leaving the door open to at least consider the possibility of maybe having a cigar or a chew somewhere down the line. Maybe after 100 Days, maybe after a year, or maybe after reaching the comma club. It was just a few discussions here and there and nobody was saying they thought it was a good idea. But, it was enough to get me thinking about the subject.

I will admit this "reevaluation" has crossed my mind numerous times over the last 72 Days. I always shoot it down pretty quickly whenever that little voice brings it up because I have been down that road before more than once. Don't get me wrong, I would love to able to have a cigar again some day. But, I know I can't have that one unless I am willing to go back full bore to being a slave to nicotine. Because that is what has happened to me in the past every time I have decided to have just one.

It starts off slow in the beginning. Just one chew with your buddies while you are out fishing. You don't feel any kind of withdrawal after that one so after awhile you convince yourself you can have another when you want because you obviously don't have a problem. Pretty soon you buy your own can. You are still just having one every once in awhile, but then it becomes just when you mow the lawn. Then you add in just when you are taking a long drive. Next thing you know you are also having a chew after lunch every day. That is how it starts. Then one day you find yourself taking 30 minute shits every day just so you can lock yourself in the bathroom to get your nicotine fix without your wife knowing you caved again. And there you are! Back to a can a day addiction again!

I am writing this down now so that I can read it again in the future. I am happy right now. I do not want to be a slave to nicotine ever again. It is not worth it to ever try to have just one. I cannot allow myself to listen to that little voice. I have proven time and time again that I can't have just one because I am an addict.

I am happy right now....................Today.

And today is all that matters. I know that I will not have a chew today because I made a promise. I will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow becomes today.

kybo:
Originally posted on March 16th, 2018

Day 69

I think I have emerged from the funk I have been in for the last week. I was a little worried that March Madness would be a huge trigger and would cause me some grief, but I had no issues on Day 1 of the tourney. I took the day off of work yesterday to get some more clearing done on my property since the barn guys are supposed to start next week. Used some Bacc Off while I was running the chainsaw and brush cutter and that seemed to stop me from even thinking about chew for the day. Would have been a great day had the oil filler cap not stripped out on the saw. I had to hold the saw sideways to keep all the oil from leaking out. I didn't have any problems cutting the trees down, but I couldn't do a decent job cutting to manageable links because I had to hold the saw sideways. It ended up cutting my day a little short and I just went inside and watched some basketball. I am going to try to find a replacement cap today while I am on lunch and I will pick up an extra chain as well.

It dawned on me last night that here I am at Day 69 and if this is the best it ever gets I am OK with that. I hear the vets saying all the time that "it gets better." But, I seriously realized last night that I am OK with how it is right now. I am not going to complain if it keeps getting better, but life ain't so bad right now. I still find myself thinking about chew quite a bit, but I can't really call it a craving. It is more like my subconscious is still trying to romanticize tobacco every chance it gets, but it doesn't put near the effort into it any more because it knows I am not going to budge. I honestly think I crave cigars more than I crave chew and I was never a huge cigar smoker. I maybe smoked a few dozen cigars a year before I gave up tobacco. This is a battle that I feel pretty good about winning.

I feel great physically. I started dieting a few days ago and I think I am already starting to feel a difference. I feel like my appetite has already returned to normal and I am eating a ton better. I have continued with my treadmill work and I have now done my first two days of upper body. In addition to that, I am still busting my ass to clear some trees and brush from the back of my property which is a hell of a workout by itself. I know exercise has played a huge roll in making this quit easier for me. If you are still in the early days of trying to quit I strongly advise you to start exercising.

The only physical issue I have right now is that it feels like my mouth is watering all the time. I didn't notice this problem until about a week ago which is when I started cutting back on the fake chew. Now, I find myself spitting constantly even when I don't have anything in my mouth. I feel like Pavlov's dog probably would have felt if the bell somehow got stuck in ring mode. I chewed tobacco for so long that I can't honestly remember if my mouth watered like this before I started chewing, or not. And I never noticed my mouth watering like this when I was using tobacco, but I usually had a dip in my mouth if it was possible to have one. So, I'm not sure what is normal and what is not. Of course, this all could just be another psychological trick that the nic bitch is trying to use on me to make me miss her. Who the fuck knows? If the problem persists I will ask my doctor the next time I see him. Until then, I will keep quitting one day at a time. This too shall pass.

I know there wasn't much interesting in this post today. I am sorry if you read it from start to finish. Just a little more therapy for my addict brain. I quit with you today!

kybo:
Originally posted on March 12th, 2018

Day 65

Wow, we have lost a few people from our April group in the last week, or so. I am guessing they caved and just decided to not come back. That is a shame. But, I firmly believe you either want to quit or you don’t want to quit. And if you want to quit there is nothing in this world that will prevent you from accomplishing your goal of living a tobacco free life. Nothing at all. Conversely, if you don’t truly want to quit you are just living your life looking for a reason to cave. And eventually you will find that reason if you are constantly looking for it, whether it is real or perceived.

It ain’t easy, but nobody said it would be.

For the last 4 or 5 days my addict brain just keeps asking me if I really want to be quit. And every time I answer, “Fuck Yeah!” I have read stuff from many of the vets that have warned us new quitters about “ late term craves, the doldrums, the blahs, and the blues.“ The What to Expect Page says we should probably experience this around days 70-90. I think I hit this stage around Day 60. People call it the “Funk.” I honestly haven’t been even remotely tempted to cave yet, but I will admit that I have thought more about chew the last 4 or 5 days than I did in the entire previous month combined. I am not sure why I have been thinking about it so much, but I will say that I haven’t touched the fake stuff in 3 days. Perhaps that might be a contributing factor. All I know is that the reasons I decided to quit are still fresh in my head. I keep those reasons front and center by visiting KTC every day and making my pledge every morning. And I haven’t caved. So, I must be doing something right.

I have also read a lot of the vets correcting new quitters when they use the word “habit” when talking about chew. The vets correctly inform the new quitters that chew is an addiction. I agree with what the vets are saying about chew being an addiction, but I also agree with the people that call it a habit. I think chew is both an addiction and a habit. And the fact that it is a habit AND an addiction is what makes it so damn difficult to quit. Let’s be honest, if we were just addicted to nicotine patches I don’t think that would be as hard to quit as chewing. I don’t think you would see a bunch of nicotine patch addicts walking around with fake patches stuck to their bodies in an attempt to quit the patch. But, you clearly see a lot of recovering chewing tobacco addicts utilizing fake chew to help their attempts to “kick the habit.” You also see a lot of smokers utilizing candy suckers in an effort to “kick their habit.” So yes, I think there is an aspect to chewing tobacco that is a habit that is reinforced by an addiction, or vice versa. You get the idea. That is just my opinion and I am totally OK with you disagreeing with me.

That “habit” part of the addiction has been a tough one for me. The fake chew has helped tremendously, but I don’t like the fact that even the fake stuff tears up my mouth and inner cheeks. If I am giving up tobacco I want my mouth to feel good again. It is hard to explain, but I seriously think I miss having that lump of shit in my lip and spitting in a can every 60 seconds. Without that shit in my lip I catch myself clenching my teeth all the time or constantly running my tongue over my cheeks and gums. The end result being that my jaw hurts and I feel like I am rubbing raw spots on my gums from the constant irritation from my tongue. I am really trying to make the switch from fake chew to chewing gum but apparently I don’t know how to chew gum correctly because I keep accidentally biting the inside of my cheeks. And I am biting hard enough to actually draw blood. I have done this 3 times in the last month or so. WTF is up with that?

And now I would like to go back and address those people that were once members of our April group that have disappeared from KTC. The message that I have for you is that I am not mad at you. I sincerely hope you are still quit and you just decided to leave the site for some reason unknown to the rest of us. It would have been nice if you would have had the decency to tell at least one of us why you were leaving. If you caved, you caved. I am not going to sit here and tell you how to live your life. You either want to quit or you don’t. I personally don’t give a flying shit how many times you cave as long as you own your failure and genuinely commit yourself to keep trying to quit. If you do that I will support you every time you try to quit. Because at the end of the day, that is what we are all trying to accomplish. We are all human. We all have weaknesses and we all make mistakes. Your failure is not going to cause me to fail. The only thing that is going to cause me to fail is my own weakness or my own mistake. The important thing is that we all get up each day and keep trying to quit. I genuinely want to quit. But, I understand that not everybody else really wants to quit.

If you don’t genuinely want to quit, then I think you made the right decision to leave KTC. Enjoy your life, just do it somewhere else. And thank you for not wasting any more of my time by pretending you want to quit when you really don't.

Have a great fucking day, everybody! IQWYT!

kybo:
Originally posted on March 9th, 2018

Day 62!

Still feel great. It could completely be my imagination, but I swear my eyesight has improved since I gave up tobacco. And the air seems so much crisper when I take a deep breath now. Both of these things could be the result of the 15 to 20 miles a week I have been doing on the treadmill since I gave up the nasty shit. Or it could be due to the fact that I am no longer poisoning my body every day with that shit.

I have been reading some posts by other people that are talking about having some issues with depression. I can't really say that I have had problems that I would classify as depression, but I have had a few emotional roller coaster rides over the last couple of months. Mood swings, or whatever you want to call them. I am totally over the rage and subsequent outbursts at this point. But, yesterday my assistant came into my office and asked me if everything was ok. She said she has noticed that I have been keeping to myself and I have been a little more quiet than normal for the last couple of weeks. It actually made me laugh out loud because about 6 weeks ago she came into my office and asked me the exact same question because she thought that I was being "meaner than normal" to some of the employees. Nobody at the office knows anything about me ever using tobacco or the fact that I have now stopped using it. I don't think I will ever tell them.

Still no sign of Preston. He hasn't even logged into the site since the 4th. I never had him pegged as a caver.

kybo:
Originally posted on March 8th, 2018.



Kybo
Posts    547
Quit Date    1-7-2018
Quitter

08 Mar 2018, 09:35 #15
Day 61.

I feel great! Maybe a little fatter than I was a few months ago, but I feel fucking great!!

I have a few minutes this morning and was going to post something about myself again, but when I came into the Introductions page I noticed there were 83 Guests viewing our Intro pages. I was the only actual member logged in to the Intro section at the time. 83 guests were in here just looking around. So, I thought this morning I would write a short message just for you guys/gals that are in here looking around.

You guests are obviously here for a reason. What is that reason? Obviously you are at least thinking about quitting or you wouldn't be here. My advice is to go ahead and create a username and join the conversation for a couple days. It is completely free and you can choose to remain anonymous. You only have to tell people what you want to tell them. And, there are a lot more sections filled with great advice and great people that you can see and interact with once you become a member. Did I already mention it is completely free? Come on in, the water is nice and warm. I promise we don't bite and most of us don't even pee in the pool anymore. Every one of us was once in your shoes. We know what you are going through right now.

When I first stopped using tobacco it felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head for the first four days. And my jaw hurt which kind of freaked me out a little bit. I also had a headache that came and went for a couple of weeks. I didn't sleep much in the beginning either. I would have been totally freaked out if I hadn't joined KTC and talked to people that had been thru the same things I was going thru. They assured me it was normal and that it would get better. And they were right.

What are you waiting for? All the cool kids are doing it. Come quit with us and see how good it makes you feel.

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