(These are my feelings when a fellow quitter made the decision to cave)
I just don't understand it.
I am so hurt right now. I honestly am!
You all need to LISTEN to me really good ... do you HEAR me?
I'm not here to have anyone give excuses or to make anyone feel badly for caving but don't you realize we are ALL in this together. When you take that first dip back into your mouth. You are actually saying to me and others. I don't give a shit about my quit or your quit. I don't give a shit about you or how my caving is going to affect you. Screw it! I want to be selfish and do this for ME. (Your mind says) Go ahead - - Just do it!
Well, there are other people .. excuse my language .. that fucking count on you! Like ME! I need YOU to show me YOU can DO this because in return it shows ME I CAN do this.
When you cave it not only makes me so very upset to the point that I cry. Yes, I actually freaking cry because whether you believe it or not - - I CARE about you and your life. Whether you care about it or not - I do! I don't want you to succumb to this deadly disease. This sickness. I don't want you to die not knowing that some where someone is on your side, trying their best to show you the way.
I don't know why people .. my friends .. choose smokeless tobacco over life .. over the others on this site. I can't place judgement. You are and will always be my friend. Just remember your actions speak louder than words. Your actions have consequences not just for you but others that count on you.
Others, like myself - who have struggles just like you .. I endure bipolar, ADHD, I take medications for both, a son with the same illnesses who I try to breathe life into every day, a husband who hasn't even came to this site or supported my accomplishments with my quit only until I tell him, "Honey, today's 100, 200, 300 days for me" ... "Oh, that's great!" I endure seizure medication which I had to go back on due to the bipolar. My headaches would trigger some of my manic or depression episodes. My marriage that once was like a rock is about to crumble due to fights over money for medical, medications and therapy. Times that money by TWO because it has to do with my son and me. I have to deal with the guilt every day that my other two sons resent me because of all the time that is spent on Matthew. I haven't any help with my husband or my mother. My husband doesn't believe this is a mental illness just like he didn't believe tobacco was an addiction. He says that I can fix myself. I can't fix this. I simply can't. Matthew can't fix this. He has anxiety to the point he can't close the bathroom door. He can't be left alone. He worries constantly about time - asking what time is it. He worries about how much gas I have and if the gas light comes on I must right then and there get gas or he'll flip out. It's disrupts school as well as at home. Some of the earlier meds gave him phobias of bugs. A 9 year old flipping out over the smallest of insects and telling me if I don't kill it - he'll kill me. This is Matt's manic episode. There are times that he doesn't even remember going into a rage or in a depressive episode crying over the simpliest of things. He can't kep friends because they don't understand. He's brothers and father don't understand. All he has is me and it's only because I too have the illness. He has night tremors. I just try rocking him to sleep, telling him I'll never leave ..... I'll never leave.
It got to be too much one night about two months ago - one in the morning. I was over the edge. I couldn't think straight. My husband and I had been fighting over why he never spends time with the kids. Why he lacks in helping me with Matt and myself. Why he doesn't have any patience? Why he doesn't want to be a part of this family? I feel like a single parent but with an extra income. I got in my van and I drove. Within a depressive episode, I would normally think of death. How would they live without me? Who would cry? Hell, maybe no one. I'm forgettable. I'm just a burden to everyone. Yet driving around that night, I wasn't in the right frame of mine. I thought about how I could end it. I called so many from this site. Since it was very early in the morning, some just got a sobbing voicemail. I tried about 6 to 7 numbers and then finally someone answered. Someone whom I've never spoken to before. Through my sobs, I told him not to worry about me caving that wasn't an option. I didn't want a dip. I wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. Please just let me die. That night, he listened to me. He didn't place judgement. However he made me realize leaving this world wasn't the answer. I'm worth it, to myself, to my family and friends instead of leaving them behind with unanswered questions. Whether he realizes in or not - he saved my life that night! Thank you for answering your phone and taking the time out to listen.
This site isn't just about quitting an addiction. It's a full circle. First quitting the habit, why we started dipping to begin with, the stressful daily struggles we endure when quitting and then after, the triggers so we don't cave, and completely knowing that others actually care - yes, they care enough even at one in the morning.
How do I do all this plus stay quit? I haven't a clue. Honestly! Just like the day I said I didn't want to dip anymore. It just happened. So what keeps us quit? This site? More likely it's the accountability and friendships I've made, it's the ramblings, like this post which likely doesn't make a bit of sense but it gets my feelings out, it's posting my name and day in my group and showing those men that I am completely commited to them that I CAN do this and so CAN they.
Don't prove me wrong. Don't sell yourself short.
Like before, I'm not sure what makes a person think about putting a dip into their mouth after many days of quitting. I don't think they realize how important their success in not caving is to them as well as my own quit. When you feel like giving up - call someone - make a post saying you need a little help. I want you to know that you can count on me! Because damn it, I am counting on you!
I'm quite sure most have bigger problems than my own but dipping ... is not the answer .. k?. Don't you realize that? Don't you realize how important you are to me and my quit? I tell you about my life in order for you to see that obstacles can be conquered without smokeless tobacco. It can be done - you just have to realize you are worth it!
If you need me, I'll be there.
But if I need you, will you give me the same opportunity? The same respect?
.... I hope so.
Sincerely,
mls
