By the way DAY 8 almost in the books as I write this. If I had a choose between a meal for a day or a tin of grizzly wintergreen. I'm always choosing the tin... To say i was addicted would be an understatement. The contract to give up, used to be my motto. I thought fuck it, if I lose my jaw that's fine. If I have no teeth that's cool too. As long as a can get a fat pinch in. That's all that matters to me, was that fat pinch. I made that my life. every day for 13 years my routine for when I dip were always the same. First thing I do when I wake up is put a pinch in. I always made sure that every job I worked had a commute. Just so I can have another fix. When I first started working I had two choices. Either hide in the bathroom, or risk getting caught with dip in my mouth. ( notice waiting until the shift was over, was not an option). I got caught so much that you think the embarrassment would change my way of thinking. It did..... it taught me that if you are willing to do the shitty jobs for minimum wage.. no one really cares that your dipping. FUCKING JACKPOT. I did not care what it was. As long as I got to dip I felt like I was heaven. Then I learned that if you do driving jobs, no one would bother you.that was better than heaven. That was the PERFECT LIFE. I know it seems like I may have gotten off subject about my daily dip routines. I assure you I didn't, I just wanted to give you insight about dip and my work life. So the shift is over. And in my head I already know I deserve a fatty because I'm a hard worker. I would come home and eat a nice meal. And then put another pinch in. I loved my after meal pinches. Then I would play some video games. And all my gamer dippers out there can agree.. we believed that dipping gave us an advantage over everyone else. And then comes the bedtime pinch. YUMMY. I swear the worst part about bedtime dips, is trying to get up and brush your teeth after. I'm just gonna throw in my automatics triggers. Movies,Tv,Listening to music, car rides, after EVERY meal. (I legit would sometimes just eat to use that as an excuse to put a pinch in). Pretty much if I'm breathing I'm dipping. I remember reading something ,that if you want to quit dipping, Just eat an entire tin. I tried that. Put the entire slab in my hand and shoved it in my mouth. I started chewing and chewing, feeling completely sick to my stomach. My mouth was so dry all I can do was dry heave. All that came out of my mouth was tobacco and blood. I ended up just cutting my gums. That should have done the trick right? NOPE and that was 6 years ago. Every day I used any excuse to keep dip. I would say today is my last day. And the purposely save my last pinch until 1150 PM. So when the 1201 AM came around. I would use that I missed my cut off time as an excuse. I took pride that I was a master stealth dipper. I think in total maybe 5 people know. I felt like if no one knew, then they wouldn't feel like they had any part in it. I really didn't think I was ever going to quit.like really I was ok with cancer. Something about dying with a pinch felt like it was my way to go.... it wasn't until I read a post from someone. And I apologize that I do not remember who said it. But he said treat nicotine like your ex wife. Instead of thinking about the good times, remember why she is an ex wife. And all the memories start flooding in. This isn't easy but here we go.
My wife find out today that I have been dipping for 13 years. She thought it was 5.
I used to eat people's food from the garbage just so I can use my money to buy tins.
I used to hoard all my bottles. Sometimes for multiple months. It didn't phase me, I just pretended like they didn't exist.(anyone know what nicotine spit smells like after 4 months)?
I have spent an estimated of 36,000 dollars on tobacco.
I'm most likely losing a few teeth.
My wife's father died from lung cancer.(smoking)
And I used to make her pick up my tins for me.
She said she was so embarrassed that she doesn't even have to ask the clerk anymore. Once they see her they would grab her a tin.
It stopped becoming an addiction a long time ago. It became my religion. Everytime I put a pinch in it felt like I was being baptized. Just writing those lines shows me how far down the hole I fell. I'm treating nicotine like a God. And I'm just over it. I really am. I dont even miss it. I think I'm just so happy to be free from nicotine, that I'm willing to do everything to never go back. My anxiety is gonna kick into a 1000 once I press send. But sober me feels like this is something I needed to say. I wasn't sure how I was going to end this. So I'll leave you with a quote that I hold deep to me.
And even though there's been moments when everything have fell through
We kept it moving, assuming even the greatest fail too- Logic
