ItÂ’s hard for me to understand how a pouch of tobacco, one fall evening in 1993, led to 6,065 days of cancer causing habit; almost destroying my education, career, marriage, family, and character (e.g., the lying, stealing, and manipulation). ItÂ’s hard for me to believe that IÂ’ve been chewing tobacco for practically half my life (approximately 45.94%). I finally got caught by my wife for the last time, IÂ’m finally tired of being scared that IÂ’ll die of cancer, IÂ’m finally tired of not being able to look my two boys in the eyes out of shame, and IÂ’m tired of planning my day around a substance that will take my life; I QUIT.
DAY 1 – 3
Getting over the nicotine addiction was easy for me and I didnÂ’t think twice about it. I kept busy; I was thinking more about saving my marriage at the time rather than chewing tobacco. I was euphoric these days; crazy happy because I was finally quitting for real, finally being honest to myself and my family, and finally not worried about my next fix of nicotine.
Day 4
Oh holy hell. This was hell on Earth and I really donÂ’t remember too much about it. All I can remember was that I was watching the clock, non-stop, counting down the hours I was nicotine and dip free. I visited the site more times that day than any other. I read the material and looked at the pictures; all of which solidified my Quit and desire, and desperation, to remain Quit.
I realized that this day was the first day in almost 17 years that I played basketball without being under the influence of nicotine. I didnÂ’t play well that night.
Day 5 – 10
Honestly, not too bad. Just glad to get through Day 4 and posting Roll Call each morning helped tremendously. Whenever I thought I needed a chew, I visited the site and read the posts, explored the material once again, and looked at the pictures; all serving to continue my resolve.
On Day 7, I received the news that a person who was quitting with me caved. Devastated, I marched on to post roll again and again in spite…I know I’m better than a caver, show them all bitch. Although, in the back of my mind with each passing day, knowing that I’ve never quit for more than 11 days…I was scared. A sore throat began on Day 10; it was like a lightening bolt through my throat’s left side – oh, boy what was this all about?
Day 11
I am honestly scared of what is to come. IÂ’ve thought about chew more today than any other day, besides Day 4 (one week ago). Posting roll call was so much more important today and I visited the site to read the posts, but mainly to read the horror stories. Each story penetrated my resolve and added another brick to the Quit wall. I am angrier at myself for doing this than ever before. My sore throat continues to bother me.
Day 12 – 19
I am truly excited; with each day, with each post, I have gone further than I ever have before. Although my tongue hurts at times and I have a sore inside my cheek on Day 12 (which subsequently has gone away), my sore throat is getting better which is nice, itÂ’s all worth it in the end. These were days of no significance in the sense that despite my war on nicotine and dip I merely went to work and then spent time with my family with little regard to cravings.
On Day 14 I decided to begin to write this account of my first 100 days. I figured that if I wrote this out it would help build another row of bricks to the Quit wall and possibly assist others who may read this testimony. This day (14) is shaping into one of the toughest yet. On the website, we’ve been talking about chew; more so than other days and in more detail as well. This has got me thinking about caving, purchasing some Skoal and chewing a fat lipper. Unfortunately, tonight I have the opportunity; tonight is basketball night and I have the ability to leave the house without really having an excuse and to further complicate things I also need gas in my car. I am in a real bad position; I have an opportunity and means. The thoughts of buying some Skoal and dipping a fat lipper were sweet; I struggled with this for most of the early evening and with each passing minute and hour I was getting scared that I would follow through. I started rationalizing: “only I would know”, “it’s early enough in your quit that it doesn’t matter”, “just lie about it”, “you didn’t get a proper last dip”, etc. Honestly, I was scared I would cave…I took my driver’s license from my wallet (left my wallet), grabbed the keys for my wife’s car, and left for basketball. I was proud of myself for getting out of that situation intact because any other time I tried to quit I would have caved immediately, without question. I successfully removed myself from the opportunity (i.e., didn’t need to go to the gas station) and the means (i.e., no credit cards or cash on me). Slowly, but surely, I am getting better at playing basketball without nicotine; amazing.
Day 19 is just flat-out weird. I started looking around my cube at work for some Skoal. Like I would have any left lying around in my desk; and I started to wonder if I found something would I cave? This is very intriguing and IÂ’m very scared of myself now. Also, I found myself judging someone for using Timber Wolf, like that mattersÂ…I guess I am a bit hormonal today.
