Okay, so here is my story. When I was in high school, I wrestled varsity for three years. I was small to start but as I grew, I tried to keep my weight down to be competitive. I usually was a pound or two heavy the day before weigh in. A simple trick to loose weight, spit all day long. One day, I was so sick of the jolly ranchers. My tongue was cut up, I was hungry and I couldn't salivate. One of my teammates told me that if I needed saliva, to put this in my mouth. At first, I didn't know if I was sick or if I liked the buzzy, dizzy feeling but man could I spit and make weight!!! (I wasn't thinking about food either)
I married my high school sweetheart a few years later and knew she didn't approve. Hell, she didn't even know about my on and off again habit. I kept that from her, my family, church members, really it was my private pleasure and I actually liked doing something that was all about me and no one else was a part of it.
In business, I discovered people I worked with were just like me. I would go golfing and notice a friend fooling around with his golf bag. Hey, I do that when I dip...sure enough, he was getting a dip too. It soon turned from a private pleasure to an underground group of friends where is was welcome and fun.
One day, my wife called me. She said, "I have some great news!" I asked what it was. She begins to say that she was putting a load of laundry in and thought to check the pockets of my shorts. (I thought she was going to say that she found some cash.) To my shock, she said, "I found your apple skoal and didn't wash it." I was actually scared. I froze, didn't know what to say. I imagine that would be the same feeling I would have if I was cheating on her. We talked and I told her that I would quit.
Another time, my son found a can I hid in the entertainment center. My kids were devastated. I decided right then that it wasn't worth the embarrassment or the shame I feel...so I'm done. If for no other reason, I love my family and this is not good. "Dad, you're my hero, you could die." Broke my heart. Isn't that reason to quit right then and there? What kind of example am I? Even if it is hidden, do I lead my children by example or word? I want to claim both.
Fast forward to the time my son wanted to come with me to the gas station...I sent him out to the car. "Hey, will you see if I left my keys in the car" While I was quickly trying to get a can, I saw him walking in. I told the attendant, "Hide it, put it down!" She realized I didn't want my son to see. I thought I got away with it. I didn't buy it and from my vantage point, he didn't see anything. Well, he told his mom that he thought I bought some tobacco so here we go again.
Now they don't even ask me if I am chewing, they just assume that I am. I know that I can't quit for them but only for me. I have lived my life that being selfish is wrong. However, I am being selfish because only I can quit...for me and no one else. I started doing this from an individual sport and now I can only quit as an individual with support. I am a man of my word, but chewing tobacco has made me a hypocrite. I don't want the added expense or the lower integrity in my life. I like to be alone but I think that is false. I like to spend time with a plant more than my family and friends who would judge me.
Why does this take precedence over what I care most about? If you asked me what is most important to me, skoal mint pouches wouldn't even come up in the conversation. If you watch my behavior, that wouldn't be the case. The reality is I have put chewing tobacco ahead of God, Family, Friends, Work, Sleep, etc.
I want tobacco to know...I want me to prove that It is no longer important and shouldn't be a part of my life. So I am breaking it off. Time to move on and discover a life tobacco free.
I wrote this yesterday and just re-read. Day two, I am still determined. I'm at work and can't leave. Today would have been a perfect day for a can. Yes I have had cravings but I am still in the fight. What has been the hardest is the sadness I feel today. I never cry, but my eyes seem to well up every time I recognize that I am an addict. I thought I was faithful to my wife of 20 years just because I haven't had sex with another woman. I'm recognizing that I cheated on her and my kids. My mistress was a can of tobacco. I lied, deceived, excused and loved my mistress of tobacco. Some may think that is a little over the top. I don't. It is spot on. I have to come to terms with my faults, accept that I am an addict. So what, I'm an addict! Fine I'll live with it, like a sore knee but I am going to live and it will always be tobacco free. Far greater than the cravings...I'm just sad today. The walk to freedom is going to hurt, but I want to be independent. I'll go to hell and back for freedom. I'm off to hell, but I'll be back.
