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Aquaman43:

--- Quote from: emoney on October 01, 2021, 04:44:03 PM ---
--- Quote from: Aquaman43 on October 01, 2021, 12:01:45 PM ---I'm going to address my cave today. That way I can move forward. I promised some people the whole story, but I don't think I was ready to face it myself until now.

About 200 or so days into my quit, my son was killed in a car accident. It wasn't a "boom" he's gone kind of thing, he spent one week in the ICU fighting for his life. After a week on life support, the doctors told us he had no brain function and was not going to recover. I can't imagine ever having a tougher moment in my life. A few days later, while I was in the funeral home, Loot called me and told me Cliff was dead. Anything I had left in me was just sucked out. But we had a strong crew, and with their help I stayed quit.

A few months later, all hell broke loose at the old site and we started this one. I clung to this site like it was the only thing keeping me alive. About a year and a half later during my yearly check-up, my doctor told me my kidneys were failing. The kidney specialists blamed the Ibuprofen I took (I played a lot of softball and it hurt), and the anti-depressants. I had rage, a lot of rage. Not just from my quit. My son's death, my wife's battle with depression, the pressure of opening a new office in Texas, I was one big ball of rage. My primary care doc told me I might want to consider going back to dipping. I was fucking stunned. This guy had been my doc for about 11 years and I couldn't believe he just told me that. One of the engineers I work with had a brother that was a heart surgeon. I say had because he has since passed due to colon cancer. But he offered to talk to me about what I was going through. In a 30 minute conversation, he told me the same thing. But, he said I could also talk to a psychologist. He said they had the ability to prescribe other drugs and drug cocktails that could help without messing up my kidneys. I wasn't going to a shrink.

About six months or so later, I caved. We can all debate about whether or not going back to the can was the best thing for me or not. But the reality is that a doctor that I trusted planted a seed that the addict in me watered and nurtured. And another doc concurred and I let that bitch become a giant bean stalk. I don't know if anything or anyone could have talked me off that ledge. The addict in me won that round and that's all it needs, just one win.

I look back on that now and wonder if there is anything I could have done to change that outcome. The answer is no, not with the attitude I had. I mentioned in my HOF speech that I always had that Outkast song in my head, Ms. Jackson. At 1000 days, I should have dismissed that song. I should have been able to dismiss that song much earlier, and I blame me, my attitude. I've seen hundreds of quitters talk about closing the door, or cutting the line, however you want to describe it. I didn't do that, I left the light on, left the door cracked, kept the line out.

I have a completely different attitude this time. I can tell you now, at Day 184, that my quit is stronger than Day 1000 in 2008. I'm not on any anti-depressants, except for Aswagandha. I have no rage, other than the typical stuff when you run into a no driving asshole.  'archer'
What I can tell you now is that if I had the same attitude I have now when I fought my addict self back then, I would have won. I'm not saying it wouldn't have been a bloody and exhausting battle, but I would have won.

--- End quote ---


Thanks for sharing all of this. As someone who feels somewhat in danger of that pitfall of leaving the door cracked this resonates with me. This makes me feel like my approach is everyday to not pretend like that cracked door isn’t there, but instead look at it every day, give it the finger and post roll. Then think about the amount of anxiety that exists on the other side of the door.

How long did you fall off the wagon for with that cave? It sounds like you were 1000+ days quit, then how long was the relapse?

Emoney

--- End quote ---

Almost 12 years. I had quit attempts here and there, some lasting months. I thought about coming back here several times but there were some things stopping me. Shame definitely played a part, but it was the thought of coming back and fucking up someone else's quit that was mainly keeping me away. One day I was talking to my wife about it and she said something to the effect of, "are you so fucking important that someone is going to chew because you go back?" She's right, I'm not. I'm just another addict.

I understand giving the finger to the crack in door, but do something about it as well. Wake up everyday and find something to be happy about that relates to being quit. Kissing your wife/girlfriend, holding your kid, talking to the hot waitress without hiding the lip bulge. Anything. Then hold onto it all day and turn it into a big ass cinder block of quit. Then use it to start building a wall where that crack is. As someone that has been there, if you leave a crack, the siren song of the nic bitch will grind you down every day.

emoney:

--- Quote from: Aquaman43 on October 01, 2021, 12:01:45 PM ---I'm going to address my cave today. That way I can move forward. I promised some people the whole story, but I don't think I was ready to face it myself until now.

About 200 or so days into my quit, my son was killed in a car accident. It wasn't a "boom" he's gone kind of thing, he spent one week in the ICU fighting for his life. After a week on life support, the doctors told us he had no brain function and was not going to recover. I can't imagine ever having a tougher moment in my life. A few days later, while I was in the funeral home, Loot called me and told me Cliff was dead. Anything I had left in me was just sucked out. But we had a strong crew, and with their help I stayed quit.

A few months later, all hell broke loose at the old site and we started this one. I clung to this site like it was the only thing keeping me alive. About a year and a half later during my yearly check-up, my doctor told me my kidneys were failing. The kidney specialists blamed the Ibuprofen I took (I played a lot of softball and it hurt), and the anti-depressants. I had rage, a lot of rage. Not just from my quit. My son's death, my wife's battle with depression, the pressure of opening a new office in Texas, I was one big ball of rage. My primary care doc told me I might want to consider going back to dipping. I was fucking stunned. This guy had been my doc for about 11 years and I couldn't believe he just told me that. One of the engineers I work with had a brother that was a heart surgeon. I say had because he has since passed due to colon cancer. But he offered to talk to me about what I was going through. In a 30 minute conversation, he told me the same thing. But, he said I could also talk to a psychologist. He said they had the ability to prescribe other drugs and drug cocktails that could help without messing up my kidneys. I wasn't going to a shrink.

About six months or so later, I caved. We can all debate about whether or not going back to the can was the best thing for me or not. But the reality is that a doctor that I trusted planted a seed that the addict in me watered and nurtured. And another doc concurred and I let that bitch become a giant bean stalk. I don't know if anything or anyone could have talked me off that ledge. The addict in me won that round and that's all it needs, just one win.

I look back on that now and wonder if there is anything I could have done to change that outcome. The answer is no, not with the attitude I had. I mentioned in my HOF speech that I always had that Outkast song in my head, Ms. Jackson. At 1000 days, I should have dismissed that song. I should have been able to dismiss that song much earlier, and I blame me, my attitude. I've seen hundreds of quitters talk about closing the door, or cutting the line, however you want to describe it. I didn't do that, I left the light on, left the door cracked, kept the line out.

I have a completely different attitude this time. I can tell you now, at Day 184, that my quit is stronger than Day 1000 in 2008. I'm not on any anti-depressants, except for Aswagandha. I have no rage, other than the typical stuff when you run into a no driving asshole.  'archer'
What I can tell you now is that if I had the same attitude I have now when I fought my addict self back then, I would have won. I'm not saying it wouldn't have been a bloody and exhausting battle, but I would have won.

--- End quote ---


Thanks for sharing all of this. As someone who feels somewhat in danger of that pitfall of leaving the door cracked this resonates with me. This makes me feel like my approach is everyday to not pretend like that cracked door isn’t there, but instead look at it every day, give it the finger and post roll. Then think about the amount of anxiety that exists on the other side of the door.

How long did you fall off the wagon for with that cave? It sounds like you were 1000+ days quit, then how long was the relapse?

Emoney

Athan:

--- Quote from: Aquaman43 on October 01, 2021, 12:01:45 PM ---I'm going to address my cave today... my addict self...

--- End quote ---
Thank-you for putting that out there Aquaman. That's a lot to unpack, a lot of trauma, a lot of life. I do appreciate you sharing that piece of yourself with us. To have made it through several bloody gauntlets only to use again on the other side is instructive indeed. Our addict selves are there all along; it's not like they die. It's why I'm still here, still posting in several groups, still reading the intro's. I will never not be an addict. But I will always be quit - today.
Quitting with you today.

Aquaman43:
I'm going to address my cave today. That way I can move forward. I promised some people the whole story, but I don't think I was ready to face it myself until now.

About 200 or so days into my quit, my son was killed in a car accident. It wasn't a "boom" he's gone kind of thing, he spent one week in the ICU fighting for his life. After a week on life support, the doctors told us he had no brain function and was not going to recover. I can't imagine ever having a tougher moment in my life. A few days later, while I was in the funeral home, Loot called me and told me Cliff was dead. Anything I had left in me was just sucked out. But we had a strong crew, and with their help I stayed quit.

A few months later, all hell broke loose at the old site and we started this one. I clung to this site like it was the only thing keeping me alive. About a year and a half later during my yearly check-up, my doctor told me my kidneys were failing. The kidney specialists blamed the Ibuprofen I took (I played a lot of softball and it hurt), and the anti-depressants. I had rage, a lot of rage. Not just from my quit. My son's death, my wife's battle with depression, the pressure of opening a new office in Texas, I was one big ball of rage. My primary care doc told me I might want to consider going back to dipping. I was fucking stunned. This guy had been my doc for about 11 years and I couldn't believe he just told me that. One of the engineers I work with had a brother that was a heart surgeon. I say had because he has since passed due to colon cancer. But he offered to talk to me about what I was going through. In a 30 minute conversation, he told me the same thing. But, he said I could also talk to a psychologist. He said they had the ability to prescribe other drugs and drug cocktails that could help without messing up my kidneys. I wasn't going to a shrink.

About six months or so later, I caved. We can all debate about whether or not going back to the can was the best thing for me or not. But the reality is that a doctor that I trusted planted a seed that the addict in me watered and nurtured. And another doc concurred and I let that bitch become a giant bean stalk. I don't know if anything or anyone could have talked me off that ledge. The addict in me won that round and that's all it needs, just one win.

I look back on that now and wonder if there is anything I could have done to change that outcome. The answer is no, not with the attitude I had. I mentioned in my HOF speech that I always had that Outkast song in my head, Ms. Jackson. At 1000 days, I should have dismissed that song. I should have been able to dismiss that song much earlier, and I blame me, my attitude. I've seen hundreds of quitters talk about closing the door, or cutting the line, however you want to describe it. I didn't do that, I left the light on, left the door cracked, kept the line out.

I have a completely different attitude this time. I can tell you now, at Day 184, that my quit is stronger than Day 1000 in 2008. I'm not on any anti-depressants, except for Aswagandha. I have no rage, other than the typical stuff when you run into a no driving asshole.  'archer'
What I can tell you now is that if I had the same attitude I have now when I fought my addict self back then, I would have won. I'm not saying it wouldn't have been a bloody and exhausting battle, but I would have won.

Aquaman43:
Never had an intro, not even on the old sites. Just going to use this to log my journey.

183 days ago I quit and I can remember that day like it was yesterday, and not in a good way. But today is day 183 and that day 1 was worth this day 183. I've met a whole new group of quitters, and some of y'all are alright. I've run into some old friends that handed me my ass 183 days ago. And I expected nothing less.

But this quit is different than my first, and most of that is attitude. I want to put some of that down so maybe it can help someone that comes along later.

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