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Community => Introductions => Topic started by: Aumegrad on October 01, 2018, 12:00:11 PM

Title: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on October 01, 2018, 12:00:11 PM
Xfering from Tapa ...

Aumegrad Initial post on 9/11/18:

I am currently 51 days quit and realized I have never posted an Intro. Here we go …

Hi, my name is Johnathon and I am a 38 year old Mechanical Engineer who lives and works in the lovely state of Alabama.

I have been a nicotine addict since I was 12 years old (Marlboro Lights). Initially starting with cigarettes, I later picked up dip at 15 (Skoal Wintergreen Longcut). Everyone in my family at the time used tobacco in one form or another, it was the norm. So, I continued to hide it. The only people who knew I dipped were close friends and golf partners (and this held true till my quit 7 weeks ago). I met my future wife at 23, a nontobacco user, who knew I smoked however never complained and never asked me to quit. Coming to grips with the reality that smoking would indeed kill me someday, I decided to quit before we got married. Mind you, she never asked me too, but I realized that if I didn't do it then, I would never quit. Once I started building habits in a new house with this new life, it would be infinitely harder for me to quit. I assumed that smoking what be more difficult to quit than dipping (ignorant). My plan was to get through all the smoking withdrawals while continuing to ninja dip, then quit dip at some point in the future. I would hide it from my wife by frequent bathroom breaks, quick runs to the store for random crap no one needed, ... etc. I made a conscience decision at that point to not let my wife know I dipped because she would have one of two reactions:

A) She would accept it and I would start dipping more routinely around her and make that many more habits that I would at some point have to break.
B) She would not accept it and continue to nag me about. Being the spiteful person I generally am, constant nagging would not have been a good situation for our marriage.

Because of these reasons, I moved forward with my plan. I quit smoking the day before our marriage which was a terrible decision.  8 days in Hawaii with a new bride and nicotine withdrawals ... stupid, but I did it. Fast forward over the next 12 years, it went by amazingly fast. We had three beautiful children who unwittingly appeared to try and "out" me daily by playing about my hidden "stash", seemingly determined to uncover my dip cans. It's funny to look back and see the effects of the hidden dip. I literally would choose vacation rentals based on the privacy of the master bath. Was it large enough for me to keep my luggage there so I didn't run the risk of being caught taking cans in and out? Did it have doors I could lock to keep people out? Sadly, there were certain vacations that I simply wouldn't even consider because I knew how hard it would be to sneak a dip. This even included not staying with my in-laws when we visited them because the house wasn't "Ninja Dip Accessible". Think of the affect this had on my marriage?!?! These are just a couple examples of how nicotine controlled my every thought and action.

So again, years went by and at no time did I even ponder quitting my 1-2 can/day addiction. It was a part of my life and I unknowingly just accepted that this is the way my life was intended to be. All that changed within a matter of weeks, where my blissful ignorance was transformed into fearful rage. I started experiencing what so many of us have before, jaw pain and mouth sores. While I wasn't overly concerned, I began to realize that if I continued dipping, those pains could at some point turn out to be the big C. Then, how would I explain to my kids that because of my selfishness, I will not be able to be there for them to help guide them in life. Because I chose an easy way out, unable to better manage the stress in my life, they could be fatherless? Because I was blindly going through life, refusing to face reality, they may at some point call another man "dad", and what if he is a terrible person? I know all this sounds emotional and a bit dramatic, but these thoughts instantly filled my mind and enraged me. These thoughts could become reality if chose to continue to dip. These thoughts then began an avalanche of thoughts as a curtain being drawn back, revealing the ugly truth nicotine has been hiding from me. If I am a MAN, why in the hell am I sneaking around my house and keeping secrets from the people I love? What do I want in life, what is my end goal? Do I want to be the honest, attentive husband my wife deserves? Do I want to be the devoted, loving father my kids deserve? The answer to all of these is YES. So, the next logical question, how do I make this happen? While the answer seems straight forward now, I still had a hard time seeing clearly through the nicotine fog. Until one day I was preparing a Sunday School lesson for the book of Colossians. In preparation of this lesson, I was studying various points including idolatry. It was at this point, it hit me like a ton of bricks, nicotine was my idol. It was no longer a harmless habit that could potentially influence my worldly life, this was an unconfessed sin that has a very real and negative impact on my eternal life! It was literally within 24 hrs that I found the KTC website, realized what needed to be done and within only a few days of facing all the items outlined above, on July 23, 2018 I quit, I quit being a slave, I eliminated an idol in my life that I placed before God, my family, my friends, my life, I quit telling the convenience store clerk "no no, I said LONG cut", I quit worrying about how many cans of dip I had stashed in my sports coats and how many more I could transport, I quit having my kids look for me when I disappear for 20 minutes, I quit ensuring ALL dip cans and spitters were removed from my laptop bag before important meetings or teaching Sunday School, I quit vacuuming all the loose dip grains in my car seat and floorboard, I quit letting a dead plant dictate where we vacationed, I quit worrying every time a sore arose in my mouth, I quit letting everyone think I had IBS because I went to the bathroom so often, I quit hiding cans of dip in my sock and worrying someone would see its outline in my pants, I quit being controlled by a drug that has no true redeeming qualities, I quit, I quit, I QUIT!!

I had my last dip at 6:30am on the July 23rd. While at work on the same day, I wrote my wife a letter explaining much of what I wrote above. I knew I would mess it up if I tried to verbalize 12 years of lies. I was tired of it, I needed to come clean and I needed her support. On the way home, I spent ~$100 on gum, seeds (pumpkin and sunflower), beef jerky (sticks and chew), various Smokey Mountain cans, mints, hard candy, you get the picture. Got home, hugged the kids, took my wife outside and told her to read the note. First sentence in, she looked up and said "I knew you dipped". What the hell, I thought I was stealthy?!?!? You can't hide it gentlemen! I encouraged her to keep reading. She stood up, hugged me, and has been in my court ever since.

Frankly, the quit hasn't been as bad as I had made it out to be in my head. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been fun either. In fact, Oliver posted several weeks ago about the woes of ~ day 50 and he was right. Days 48-50 have been as bad as Days 1-3 for me, no joke. But I know it will get better and frankly, my craves just piss me off more and makes me want to skull drag nicotine! It strengthens my quit and helps me direct my anger towards it rather than loved ones.

I know this is long and drawn out, however before I found this website, I thought I was unique. I thought I was the only one that faced these sometimes silly and often serious issues. However, because many of those before me took the time to outline their experiences and the positive affect they had on me, I write this in hopes that it helps someone out there who may have a similar story but still holding to the nicotine. You are not alone, you are not special, and your life isn't any harder than anyone else's. If I/we can quit, you can too, just QUIT. You are not here by accident, QUIT. It is one thing in life that you won't regret!

I will also note, writing this is helping me through a crave  ;D

Thanks for reading,
Johnathon  Lets Go Rawkstars!

Capital70: That was freaking amazing! So many parallels to my own life! Pretty sure I sent you my number once before but I am doing it again because I really like you!!!

BBQchips: Just read thru and wanted to say “thank you” for sharing all of that. Feel very similar to you in the “what ifs” and doubts I constantly have. That and the ninja life. Proud to QWYT.

CLEalt: Great intro. I too was a ninja dipper. Until I saw the end I was thinking to myself, "no way he never got caught." Lol. Congrats on quitting. You'll never regret it.

copequits: Thanks for that! It was just the right time I needed to read something of that nature. Those are some great references to what so many of us have been through. Proud to have you as an October brother.

skolvikings: Well..... that was freaking awesome.  I hope you keep writing, these words will definitely help a new quitter, it strengthened my quit. Great job paying it forward :)

gottadoit: I agree with all of the other comments. Spelled out most of my ninja habits to a "T". Thanks for the reminder of how I used to be so stupid, that I couldn't see how it was harming my family so much.

Aumegrad: I thank you all for your comments. While I would love to say writing this was completely selfless, it was quite therapeutic for me to air it all out. It's really not till one starts to pen his actions, that he can truly see how foolish he is. Seriously, how foolish were we all?!?! This has been an experience like no other and I'll be damned if I freely let others go down the same path.  Also meant to add ... I am awaiting a response from Doofus. His avatar has NOTHING to do with it 'Popcorn'

Doofus: Lol, I'm not one to judge or deny anyone a desired pleasure....but now you can study my avatar up close.  As far as your intro, you are ahead of me, I waited until 66ish to write an intro, everything changed at that moment because it was then that I knew I was not alone, the similar stories, the dudes saying, "I did that shit too!", all the same addict behavior, repeated over and over and over. All because of a dead flavored weed. 3 tins a day of Skoal LC mint was the suicide poison that I was addicted to for 30 years but the form didnt matter honestly....a drug is a drug.  I dont post a daily journal always, life gets in the way sometimes...... but writing and communicating is part of the treatment. It helps to know that you aren't alone and life is truly ok without the dead weed. Do not be afraid to over communicate here on KTC.  If you browse my intro, you'll see a post from a vet (Dundippin) which said, "It sounds like you have your mind made up on this quit and that is the entire battle. Once you stop the conversation in your head about whether to do one more or not, then the rest is easy." I'll pass that wisdom along to you courtesy of Dundippin, a total stranger who lent a hand in saving my life. .....and give you some words of my own.  Learn from others, this site is exactly what you just shared above. You will make mistakes, there will be fights and arguments, people here you dont like or agree with but the one constant is that we are all addicts. Once you strip addiction of its secrets, its lies, bring it out into the open, shine a light, study it....it withers and dies. WE may never be "cured" but WE get control back, WE take back our freedom.....post, share, give back and always learn. As complete strangers here, we can do each other an ETERNAL favor ( A KINDNESS) of providing accountability and support to be quit and save lives. I know you will be happy with the result. And be happy with this Avatar, she is here to support you:)  As always, PM me if you want to be added to my daily text roll, I post support in Rawktober with a few of your bros. Pleasure to meet you, ODAAT!

Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on October 01, 2018, 12:03:38 PM
Further Xfers from Tapa: Originally posted 9/12/18

Aumegrad: Some general quit observations and thoughts from my quit on day 52:

- The first 3 days, a couple days during week 3, and days 49-51 I experienced the following:
   o Extremely tired i.e. I am in bed and sound asleep by 8:30pm
       * 9:30-10pm typical bedtime
   o Real twitchy when sleeping and occasionally wakes me
       * Wife notices them too when I'm sleeping and claims they are like an electrical jolt that starts at my head and works its way down my body
  o Wake up multiple times during these nights and sometimes hard to get back to sleep
  o Wake up groggy, zero desire to work out
       * Just force myself to do some jumping jacks, sit ups, and pushups to get blood flowing
  o Feeling of "I'll just get to work when I can today", very much like Eeyore
  o Cravings and constantly convincing myself that nicotine won’t help anything
       * I love a good challenge and I am down for the quit, I have simply come too far, I am mentally tough and powered my way through a lot and this is nothing!
  o I am very short tempered and would appreciate if the movie "Purge" was real life, just for a few minutes at a time
       * Snap at wife, snap at kids. Gotta be very cognizant here. Acknowledge your actions and correct them quickly! We can't take our aggression out on the ones we love.

- Then all the sudden, it goes as fast as it came. Today on 52, felt like:
  o Woke up rejuvenated, got a good workout in (chest and tri's today)
  o Got to work on time (only road raging once ... seriously, just get the f outta the fast lane ahole)
  o Ready to take on the world
  o The Hulk has converted back to Bruce Banner and he is glad the movie "Purge" is not real life

It's just interesting how all this plays out. I told my wife last night how bad the past couple days have been. Her response was "oh I can tell and I can't believe it is affecting you this far along". But it got me thinking, nicotine was more than crutch when everything hit the fan. It was always my "light at the end of the tunnel". Not only when the day sucked but even on the good days too. No matter what I looked forward to, I always added to it "and then after that, I can get a dip". So hypothetically, even if I had won the lottery, I would have been elated and then my immediate thought would be "oh can't wait to get a dip now". Nicotine was so pervasive in my life, it attached itself onto every thought I had. For emphasis, that is EVERY thought between 12 and 38 years old. I say all of this only to say, it is immeasurably foolish to assume that this could quickly and easily be corrected. It has only been 52 days of correction for a drug that controlled my brain for 26 years.

So, nicotine, I get that. I get that I will have great highs and I will have lows. I get that it will just take time to slowly erase you from my life. I get that during this time, you will taunt me, and you will try to convince me that the easy way out is just to cave. That one little dip won't hurt anything or that one cigar to chew on while playing golf will be harmless. But please know this, my resolve is much stronger than any hold you ever had on me. Sure this will continue to suck, but I consider it a pleasure and an honor to endure this pain just for the satisfaction of knowing that I can look into your eyes and with great gladness and a smile exclaim "you have NO control over me and are as effective in my life as a rose petal on a turd" ... BRING IT.

AppleJack: Oh. Hell. Yes. This ^^^... THIS^^^!! ... Is one of THE most important attitude components to ANY success here!
No whining.
No looking back.
No romanticized "love lost" bullshit.
Owning ALL of the good and bad and using every damn bit of it as momentum.  Well said, sir!  Bro, there WILL come a time when your attitude will show you a freedom you didn’t know was possible. Trust me. I say it all’a time because the truth of it is profound: Get involved... Stay involved. It works. Ask me how I know...
AJ... Day 1,975


kickin-wing: Rereading your intro today was laughing at this:
    wrote:
    I would hide it from my wife by frequent bathroom breaks, quick runs to the store for random crap no one needed, ... etc.
Not only is your nic vector of choice expensive but how much money have we all wasted on these "store runs!" Glad to be quit today.

Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Capital70 on October 02, 2018, 11:34:47 AM
Never gets old reading your stuff!!!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on October 05, 2018, 02:51:51 PM
It has been a while since I have posted.  I intended to meticulously document my quit to use as a reference for later in life when I’m confronted with a seemingly impossible task.  If I can quit this, what can’t I do?!?!  Life ended up getting in the way, but regardless ...

So here I am at day 75 of my quit and frankly, things are fairly smooth right now.  Just went and purchased $20 of gum and good to go!  Even as good as this is, Oct 5th is a day of suck for me.  Three years ago from today, I lost my mother to a complication from a fairly routine surgery.  While I still miss her immensely, I know for certain that she is with our Lord and Savior and comforted by this.  She was/is my source of strength and tenacity and meant the world to me.  So why do I bring this up?  I mean, she didn’t dip.  No she didn’t, though she did smoke her entire life.  However, smoking isn’t what took her life.  Her nicotine dependency and cause of death seem to be worlds apart … or are they?  You see, she had a variety of medical issues, I won’t bore you with the specifics, for 12 years before her passing.  The duration of this time was like a medical and emotional roller coaster.  She would have issues, have a surgery, things would improve for a bit, then there would be something else.  This cycle continued for the entire 12 years.  Whatever the ailment, the doctor routinely stated, “Well, you need to quit smoking.  It will help x, y, z…”.  And through this, I routinely begged, reasoned, admonished her to quit as well, all to no avail.  She loved her nicotine!  Finally, we came to an impasse where a procedure was needed, however she had to be tobacco-free for a few months before and after the procedure to ensure proper healing of the affected bones.  This procedure would have cured most her issues and drastically improved her health and quality of life.  It was really a slam dunk situation … except for the nicotine.  See, nicotine had such a strong grip on my mother, there was no way she could release it for that surgery.  And because she could not release it, that specific surgery never occurred.  This was ~1yr before her death and through that last year, her health continued to decline.  She had a seemingly unrelated surgery, had post-surgery complications, and here we are. 

So even though she didn’t dip, ultimately my mother was still controlled by the hag that has a grip on us all.  And that control was strong enough to make one of the most mentally tuff people in my life choose it over an improved quality of life.  That wretched nic forced my mother to succumb to a lessor life just so she could get one more hit.  Who knows, had my mother quit the nic for that surgery 4 years ago, perhaps her final surgery would not have been necessary?!?!   Or if nic wasn’t in the equation, perhaps many of those procedures would have never taken place?!?  Would I still have my mother and my kid's grandmother?!?!  I simply don’t know, however I do know this.  This situation will NEVER arise in my life.  I will never have to make that decision moving forward because nicotine is fading memory filled with disdain and regret. 

I really wasn’t ever able to connect these dots until recently.  So as I forge ahead in my quit on day 75 and beyond, I thank you Mom for strengthening my quit today.  For whatever reason, you weren’t strong enough to shake it.  But it’s my promise to you, nicotine stopped its pervasive influence thru our family tree 75 days ago.  Deuces nic, kiss my arse!!  The nic STOPS here!

Stay strong KTC, Aumegrad … out!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: BBQchips on October 05, 2018, 04:44:44 PM
It has been a while since I have posted.  I intended to meticulously document my quit to use as a reference for later in life when I’m confronted with a seemingly impossible task.  If I can quit this, what can’t I do?!?!  Life ended up getting in the way, but regardless ...

So here I am at day 75 of my quit and frankly, things are fairly smooth right now.  Just went and purchased $20 of gum and good to go!  Even as good as this is, Oct 5th is a day of suck for me.  Three years ago from today, I lost my mother to a complication from a fairly routine surgery.  While I still miss her immensely, I know for certain that she is with our Lord and Savior and comforted by this.  She was/is my source of strength and tenacity and meant the world to me.  So why do I bring this up?  I mean, she didn’t dip.  No she didn’t, though she did smoke her entire life.  However, smoking isn’t what took her life.  Her nicotine dependency and cause of death seem to be worlds apart … or are they?  You see, she had a variety of medical issues, I won’t bore you with the specifics, for 12 years before her passing.  The duration of this time was like a medical and emotional roller coaster.  She would have issues, have a surgery, things would improve for a bit, then there would be something else.  This cycle continued for the entire 12 years.  Whatever the ailment, the doctor routinely stated, “Well, you need to quit smoking.  It will help x, y, z…”.  And through this, I routinely begged, reasoned, admonished her to quit as well, all to no avail.  She loved her nicotine!  Finally, we came to an impasse where a procedure was needed, however she had to be tobacco-free for a few months before and after the procedure to ensure proper healing of the affected bones.  This procedure would have cured most her issues and drastically improved her health and quality of life.  It was really a slam dunk situation … except for the nicotine.  See, nicotine had such a strong grip on my mother, there was no way she could release it for that surgery.  And because she could not release it, that specific surgery never occurred.  This was ~1yr before her death and through that last year, her health continued to decline.  She had a seemingly unrelated surgery, had post-surgery complications, and here we are. 

So even though she didn’t dip, ultimately my mother was still controlled by the hag that has a grip on us all.  And that control was strong enough to make one of the most mentally tuff people in my life choose it over an improved quality of life.  That wretched nic forced my mother to succumb to a lessor life just so she could get one more hit.  Who knows, had my mother quit the nic for that surgery 4 years ago, perhaps her final surgery would not have been necessary?!?!   Or if nic wasn’t in the equation, perhaps many of those procedures would have never taken place?!?  Would I still have my mother and my kid's grandmother?!?!  I simply don’t know, however I do know this.  This situation will NEVER arise in my life.  I will never have to make that decision moving forward because nicotine is fading memory filled with disdain and regret. 

I really wasn’t ever able to connect these dots until recently.  So as I forge ahead in my quit on day 75 and beyond, I thank you Mom for strengthening my quit today.  For whatever reason, you weren’t strong enough to shake it.  But it’s my promise to you, nicotine stopped its pervasive influence thru our family tree 75 days ago.  Deuces nic, kiss my arse!!  The nic STOPS here!

Stay strong KTC, Aumegrad … out!

Aumer,

Thanks again for sharing. Sorry to hear about your mom, but I have to think she is looking down and smiling that you're remembering her and using her as motivation to improve your life. My grandmother and grandfather both passed, and both were life long smokers. A lot of what you said about it having indirect connections looms large. Like you I should have seen it as another reason to quit a long time ago.  Proud to be quitting with you. Keep BAQ'ing.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on October 12, 2018, 02:05:06 PM
Ahhh sweet day 82 and fall is in the air, I love this time of year!  I tell you all, life simply doesn’t get any better than this.  I had a couple significant craves this week which were frankly as bad as week one.  But if the nic is strong, I am stronger.  Remembered my promise to my Rawktober brethren and a few vets, then powered through.

I did have a significant occurrence this week.  It was time for my annual physical and my first doc visit since I quit dipping.  Unlike previous exams, I requested having my bloodwork performed a couple days prior to my appt so that I could review all the data with him and not await a nurse to call and simply tell me “you’re good”.  I have never looked forward to my blood workup because I had to fast for 8+ hours prior to it.  Previously, this meant that I had to hold off dipping for my 30min drive into work/doc and I simply bypassed several blood workups because of this.  In fact, anytime a blood workup crossed my mind, “I must dip” was my immediate thought, every time.  That all has seemed to change ... FINALLY.  Once I was able to get everything arranged (including convincing the nurses that the world would indeed maintain its course if I did my blood work before my appt as opposed to after), my very first thought was “man, I will need my coffee” and that was immediately followed by “urg, I won’t be able to eat my sunflower seeds in the morning”. 

You see the difference?!?!?!?  Dip was NOWHERE to be seen.  It wasn’t a thought, it wasn’t even a memory.  While on the surface this may seem miniscule, this is the very first sign in my 82 days of quit that my brain is successfully rewiring nicotine out of it.  If 82 days ago was my “first day of the rest of my life” moment, today is the “first day to my new normal life” moment.  There is indeed light at the end of the tunnel and I am starting to get a glimpse of it.  That, ladies and gentlemen, that excites me to no end!

So fast forward to now, I have had my physical and the doc stated I was “the picture of perfect health”.  If that’s the case, health must be one sexy mofo, but I digress!  I have gained 8#’s which is a bit mind boggling considering my food intake has remained constant and I have actually increased my workouts.  Regardless, at day 82, I am healthy, happy, and mentally erasing nicotine one act at a time … Life simply doesn’t get any better than this.

Stay strong all, I proudly quit with you all today!

Aumegrad - 82
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Athan on October 12, 2018, 06:31:39 PM
Big win.  Huge.  Monumental.  I love those moments.  They'll keep coming.  They'll outnumber the craves.  PTBQWYT
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on October 25, 2018, 10:55:25 AM
94 nicotine free days are behind me and am now focused on 95.  The closer I get to punching my ticket on the HOF train, the more I realize I have fought and won many battles, but the war will never end.  It will lessen to near nonexistence, but it will never be over.  Through the first ~4 weeks of my quit, I’m not sure if I was strong enough to face this.  However, as I have strengthened thru these past ~9 weeks, I know I am most definitely capable to battle this witch to the end.  Not only capable, but in an almost sadistic way, I look forward to it … to every battle I win, where I refuse to be a slave.  Where each battle, my chest puffs out just a little more.
That brings me to this morning.  I have a handful of triggers, a few of which are the routine ones.  The ones where I dipped every day at the same time for decades.  These are the ones that have been most difficult to manage. 

       -   Waking up, working out, breakfast, coffee, then the time I was looking forward to, dip/shower/shave. 
       -   Or, it’s been a long day of work and looking forward to that commute dip headed home (granted this is 5/7ths of week but strong nonetheless).
       -   Or I drive out to pick up some lunch and always looked forward to that dip in my car afterwards. 
       -   Or after dinner, it has been a long day and look forward to that post dinner dump dip.

These are my four “biggies” that I have battled every day for the past 94 days.  And of these, the first two have been the worst.  Every day, at each of the moments above, a dip thought would enter my mind.  And every day I had to fend it off … every day.  Granted some days/events were tougher than others, but even if just a glimpse of a thought, it was always there.

So I wrote a week ago that my initial “physical bloodwork fast thought” generated no dip thoughts and that was the first sign of the successful rewiring of my brain.  Well this morning was a bit more monumental.  This morning I woke up, worked out, ate breakfast, read a couple chapters of Isaiah, had breakfast and coffee, went and showered and shaved, dressed for work, kissed the kids and wife good bye, hopped in the car to head to work.  Sitting in the car, I felt as if something was missing, as if I had forgotten something.  Then it dawned on me, I HAD INDEED FORGOTTEN SOMETHING.  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 94 DAYS, I WENT THROUGH MY MORNING RITUAL WITHOUT A GENERAL DIP THOUGHT.  MY GOODNESS, WHAT A FEELING! 

I’m not sure how consistent this will be.  I don’t know if I awake tomorrow only thinking about dip.  I don’t know, and I don’t care.  All I know is that today for the first time in 94 days, I awoke, went through my morning routine, and dip never crossed my mind.  And with this, I now also know that those tough mental dip thoughts will NOT be consistent throughout my life.  They may never completely go away, but they will also not be constant.  That glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel I saw nearly two weeks ago, this morning it got ever so slightly brighter.  And as it did two weeks ago, that excites me to no end.  Score one for the good guys, game on!

Aumegrad 95 and erasing nic memories one boot kick at a time with you all today!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on October 29, 2018, 09:02:38 AM
As I stand on the eve of my HoF, I am reminded of "The Night Before Christmas" poem and couldn't shake it.  So, it then turned into the following.  I am not a literary guy, so don't judge.  However, I think I will enjoy looking back on this, reminded of the battle!
 

Twas the day before my HoF and all through the grit, I didn’t get a crave, not even a bit.

My lip and jaw healed from the years of abuse, all seems to be much healthier from gum line to tooth.

With Ma (don’t tell my wife I called her this 😊) full of encouragement, and I feeling grand with thoughts that I will never be controlled by that damn plant again.

Looking at my kids, it provides me great pride, in knowing that my quit is affording us together, a much longer “ride”.

Though as a ninja dipper, they never saw me chew, I know they are proud though never having a clue.

For all those times I would sneak away for a hit, the old witch was laughing, cause she didn’t give a spit!

My kids would search for me, seeking their dad, while I was secretly stuffing my face and feeling dejected, useless and sad.

But 99 days ago, all of that changed, I was given a new outlook, I was given a new name

I looked the witch right dead in her eye, I told her “no more” and waved her good bye

I gathered all my cans and threw them afar, cans from my backpack, my office desk, my coats, and cans from my car.

I came clean to wife and apologized for the lies, she hugged my neck, said she loved me and we both had good cries.

The journey has been tough, but not as bad as I had thought, at this point, would average my anguish pretty much as aught.

For my health has been confirmed to be at the top of its game, my gum line stopped receding and my jaw, no more pain.

All the times I was unfairly pulled from joining my kid’s fun, they are being reversed and filled with homework, football, Nintendo and nerf guns.

You see, for all that time when I thought I was living and making it through, it was all a load of lies that continually grew.

That evil hag offers nothing but folly, and having her in my life really diminished its quality.

But I have retak’n my life and refocusing my time, for NOW I am living, NOW in my prime.

Though the road has been tough and has taken tenacity, I think it is fair to say that I have developed a keen quitter’s mentality.

So if you’re sitting there reading this and considering your options, before you go stuffing your face with a deadly concoction, consider this:

Life is worth living and we only get one shot, so why not focus on the things you love with everything you got?

True quitting isn’t fun and it will be a war, but the wounds are well worth the additional time with those you adore.

Listen, you can quit this stuff as thousands have proven, just QUIT, seriously that’s really all there is to it!

I’m not a poem guy and this may be my first rhyme, but the moral of this story is that you can get your life back by quitting with me one day at a time! 

My name is Johnathon and I’ll be an addict till death, I can assure you I will faithfully fight this addiction up to my dying breathe!

--
Aumegrad - 99 and quit with you all!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Croakenhagen on October 29, 2018, 03:36:09 PM
As I stand on the eve of my HoF, I am reminded of "The Night Before Christmas" poem and couldn't shake it.  So, it then turned into the following.  I am not a literary guy, so don't judge.  However, I think I will enjoy looking back on this, reminded of the battle!
 

Twas the day before my HoF and all through the grit, I didn’t get a crave, not even a bit.

My lip and jaw healed from the years of abuse, all seems to be much healthier from gum line to tooth.

With Ma (don’t tell my wife I called her this 😊) full of encouragement, and I feeling grand with thoughts that I will never be controlled by that damn plant again.

Looking at my kids, it provides me great pride, in knowing that my quit is affording us together, a much longer “ride”.

Though as a ninja dipper, they never saw me chew, I know they are proud though never having a clue.

For all those times I would sneak away for a hit, the old witch was laughing, cause she didn’t give a spit!

My kids would search for me, seeking their dad, while I was secretly stuffing my face and feeling dejected, useless and sad.

But 99 days ago, all of that changed, I was given a new outlook, I was given a new name

I looked the witch right dead in her eye, I told her “no more” and waved her good bye

I gathered all my cans and threw them afar, cans from my backpack, my office desk, my coats, and cans from my car.

I came clean to wife and apologized for the lies, she hugged my neck, said she loved me and we both had good cries.

The journey has been tough, but not as bad as I had thought, at this point, would average my anguish pretty much as aught.

For my health has been confirmed to be at the top of its game, my gum line stopped receding and my jaw, no more pain.

All the times I was unfairly pulled from joining my kid’s fun, they are being reversed and filled with homework, football, Nintendo and nerf guns.

You see, for all that time when I thought I was living and making it through, it was all a load of lies that continually grew.

That evil hag offers nothing but folly, and having her in my life really diminished its quality.

But I have retak’n my life and refocusing my time, for NOW I am living, NOW in my prime.

Though the road has been tough and has taken tenacity, I think it is fair to say that I have developed a keen quitter’s mentality.

So if you’re sitting there reading this and considering your options, before you go stuffing your face with a deadly concoction, consider this:

Life is worth living and we only get one shot, so why not focus on the things you love with everything you got?

True quitting isn’t fun and it will be a war, but the wounds are well worth the additional time with those you adore.

Listen, you can quit this stuff as thousands have proven, just QUIT, seriously that’s really all there is to it!

I’m not a poem guy and this may be my first rhyme, but the moral of this story is that you can get your life back by quitting with me one day at a time! 

My name is Johnathon and I’ll be an addict till death, I can assure you I will faithfully fight this addiction up to my dying breathe!

--
Aumegrad - 99 and quit with you all!

Dude!! That was awesome to read.  Your posts here always are inspiring and light a fire under my quit everytime I read them. Proud to be quit with you today.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on October 30, 2018, 12:37:26 PM
Today marks my 100 day milestone.  Hooray and hi fives for everyone! 

I am linking my HoF Speech (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?topic=722.0) here for future reference and personal message consolidation.

Go ahead and quit ... everyone's doing it!  8)

Aumegrad - 100
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on November 03, 2018, 09:40:20 AM
I posted this a couple weeks ago in reference to some post HOF struggles my brothers were having.  Also, in light of recent craves several of us in the 100-130 day range have had, I wanted to place here for my ref:

Such a great topic!  When I would previously, periodically consider quitting, I was always thrown off by fear of the unexpected.  All I heard or read was “it was sooooo bad”.  What does this mean?!?!?  Will my ears bleed? Nose fall off?  Will my penis go from an outtie to an innie?!?  Would all these effects last forever?!?! This site helped alleviate that by providing realistic description of the quit ... up to 100 days.  So that has been my goal, 100 days.  However through this (almost) 100 days, I have had the opportunity to be enlightened by the titans of quit on this site (as noted above) and realized a couple months ago that 100 days is fun on paper and worthy of a quick celebration, but it ultimately means squat.  I will continue to incurr the suck for another ~265 days, with ups and downs that will generally lessen, but not necessarily.  I needed realistic expectations because I feared a mental letdown could fuel a cave.  So I made my mind up then, much like I did when I decided to quit and aim towards 100, I set my sights on 365.  What this means for me is a conscience decision every second, for every minute, for every hour, for every day, for every week, for the 12 months, I will fight this addiction.  No moral victories, just a mental war for 365 days of conscientiously choosing to say ‘NO’.  For this 365, I plan to employ all tools that have gotten me this far, including my daily commitment to you Rawkstars.  Beyond this, we will cross that bridge when we get there.   But I will remain focused and hope I encounter what was previously mentioned ... I reach Day ~365 and realize nic is a distant memory.  Please know that I quit with you today and look forward to quitting with you tomorrow!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on November 11, 2018, 09:08:16 PM
So I sit here 112 days into my quit and feel the need to document a solid win.  This past week, me and my wife spent several nights traveling on a work trip on the west coast.  This trip was planned about 4 months ago, just before my quit.  I remember at that time being consumed by anxiety as I pondered “how will I be able to sneak a chew?”, “I will need at least 3 a day and with so much going on, how will I do this?”, “will it be an open bathroom to facilitate my disgusting habit?” ... the thoughts went on and on.  I also recall upon my decision to quit thinking how great it would be to get to this trip and not sweat any of the aforementioned thoughts, to just enjoy the trip.  I mean, what would this be like?  All the time, energy, lies spent on worm dirt, would I possibly be able to convert that into positive time for myself and with my wife?  Would this REALLY be possible?!?!

Guess what?  IT IS POSSIBLE AND IT IS SO WELL WORTH IT!  We just returned from this trip and man oh man, best trip ever.  You see, my wife and I were able to leave the hotel in the mornings and just go enjoy life.  I didn’t need to fake stomach issues in order to sneak a dip ... I didn’t need to do anything to distract from the amazing time we had.  We simply enjoyed life ... what a damn concept, huh?  We constantly explored and enjoyed our time together with NO interruptions, angst, or awkward responses when I told her a craptacular reason for me to sneak away for a "hit".

At one point walking around San Jose, we passed a hookah lounge.  While I laughed a bit and jokingly asked my wife “care to partake?!?”.  Though she knew I was joking, she responded by saying “you have a coin in your pocket that says you can’t do that”.  I love her and loved this thought.  Her statement had a sense of finality, the same finality I came to terms with 112 days ago.  You see, I underestimated the power of this HOF coin in my pocket.  While I had first thought it a token of my 100 day milestone, it actually turns out that this coin makes it impossible for me to cave.  This coin has turned into nicotine’s kryptonite.  Actually, EVERYTHING in my life has turned into nicotine’s kryptonite ... EVERYTHING.  I realized at this point, I have created a new life filled with anti-triggers where anything that may associate with nicotine, I have converted it into vile hatred for nic.  And not only was this just localized to me, it has permeated beyond myself and to the ones I love.  Was just a remarkable time in my quit.

I had the opportunity to play a buck-list golf course and one of the caddies chewed the entire back nine.  He was fairly discrete about it, but still I can easily stiff these pour souls out.  Regardless, upon first noticing, the thought entered my mind but left just as quickly as it came.  This was also an interesting point in my quit.  On one hand, I was quickly able to overcome a potential crave with little effort.  But on the other hand, that thought came 112 days post quit ... I MUST NEVER let my guard down.

So to sum this point in my quit up ... hooray for me :).  Freedom DOES exist, it is NOT a pipe dream, it is attainable, and it is amazing, and it is SO worth the suck from the past 112 days.

Stay strong all, I am quit today and proud to do so with all of you.

Aumegrad 112
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Athan on November 12, 2018, 07:04:46 PM
So I sit here 112 days into my quit and feel the need to document a solid win.....
Thanks for sharing the win brother, thoroughly enjoyed reading that.  There's more to come.  I hope you keep storing them here to chronicle the journey as well as to give others hope.  I feel like dancin'
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: chris2alaska on November 12, 2018, 07:14:13 PM
So I sit here 112 days into my quit and feel the need to document a solid win.....
Thanks for sharing the win brother, thoroughly enjoyed reading that.  There's more to come.  I hope you keep storing them here to chronicle the journey as well as to give others hope.  I feel like dancin'

Awesome win Bro.  I am so looking forward to my vacation in February.  Thanks for the pick me up.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on December 03, 2018, 08:54:47 PM
Day 134 and the beat goes on.  Figured I would document some things here:

1) not major, but I have always monitored my food intake and excersize, my body seemingly to be at equilibrium for over a decade.  However since quitting, I have gained a solid 10#.  My intake hasn’t changed and excersize has increased.  Nicotine must have some sort of unidentified physiological effect.  A bit frustrating, but will get a vertical climber or something ...

2) I have been having some wicked craves lately, especially today when heading home from work ... and after dinner.  Just wild, I knew they’d hit again, but it’s like my mind is screaming now like a petulent child want not necessarily nicotine, but SOMETHING.  Zero chance of cave here, but the power of the mind is incredible.  Just gotta stay vigilant. 

3) other aspects of my life seem to be settling in.  I find a great deal of pride in my quit.  Show off my coin at any given opportunity, friends or strangers.  Quitting definitely makes my top5 list of life accomplishments, still means a great deal to me.

4) generally not one to talk about feelings, but I have forced myself to be open to my wife about craves and such.  It does seem to help mentally, just getting to voice my frustrations.

5) with that said, quitting isn’t easy, but it does get significantly easier.  I can already look back thru my original posts and identify the improvements and I’m sure I will look back at this post in 100 days and smile. 

Here’s to shooting for the 2nd level.

Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: oldschool on December 04, 2018, 12:05:07 AM
Day 134 and the beat goes on.  Figured I would document some things here:

1) not major, but I have always monitored my food intake and excersize, my body seemingly to be at equilibrium for over a decade.  However since quitting, I have gained a solid 10#.  My intake hasn’t changed and excersize has increased.  Nicotine must have some sort of unidentified physiological effect.  A bit frustrating, but will get a vertical climber or something ...

2) I have been having some wicked craves lately, especially today when heading home for work ... and after dinner.  Just wild, I knew they’d hit again, but it’s like my mind is screaming now like a petulent child want not necessarily nicotine, but SOMETHING.  Zero chance of cave here, but the power of the mind is incredible.  Just gotta stay vigilant. 

3) other aspects of my life seem to be settling in.  I find a great deal of pride in my quit.  Show off my coin at any given opportunity, friends or strangers.  Quitting definitely makes my top5 list of life accomplishments, still means a great deal to me.

4) generally not one to talk about feelings, but I have forced myself to be open to my wife about craves and such.  It does seem to help mentally, just getting to voice my frustrations.

5) with that said, quitting isn’t easy, but it does get significantly easier.  I can already look back thru my original posts and identify the improvements and I’m sure I will look back at this post in 100 days and smile. 

Here’s to shooting for the 2nd level.
Johnathon, I have been researching weight gain with quitting dip (even more so than smoking). It appears that our thyroid gland may be affected by nicotine. When we quit, we gain weight even though calories stay the same. I am considering getting tested for this. As always, proud to quit with you and much respect.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on December 04, 2018, 07:31:26 AM
Thanks Rich, good info to have and I appreciate you sharing that. I will hone in my research to the thyroid.  It’s interesting that so many studies have been performed on the effects of nicotine, yet so little is understood.  Concerning weight gain, the general cause identified on the web is “we are eating our feelings ... blah blah blah”, but I can most assuredly attest that is not happening here.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on December 19, 2018, 12:54:14 PM
Today marks my 150th day of being nicotine free.  It has been an interesting ride, a ride I wouldn’t change for anything.  Where every bump, every bruise, every scar reminds of my battle I won to overcome this addition and further solidifies that I will never go back to that way of life!

An unexpected win … I used to eat Tums (like it was candy) to combat acid reflux and general indigestion issues.  No exaggeration, I stored had a large bottle in my office desk, car, backpack, and home.  Well, 150 days into my quit, I have taken no Tums, ZERO.  I have had no reflux or ingestion issues since my quit, that amazes me.  It was literally all Skoal’s fault.  Though not significant dollars, I still add that to the financial savings aspect of my quit.  Speaking of which, anyone need some Tums?  I think I have the market cornered and can put you on some cheap 😊

Though seemingly ramped up the past couple weeks, my craves have begun to wane again.  Utilizing the tools on this website have helped me to overcome them with relative ease.  Knowing that many before me have made it thru, many are going thru it with me, and many will be going thru the same issues in the future, all helps me to reaffirm my commitment.  Thanks again to my KTC family!

And this brings me to a general observation and comment.  I, like every other initial lost soul here, came to this site out of my own volition.  I chose to sign up and I chose to become part of this community, no one forced me.  By such, I feel it is incumbent upon me to follow the general rules and aid others where I see fit.  This is both out of respect for my brothers and sisters in quit AND because of the “secret sauce” KTC provides to help me stay quit.   With this said, once I signed up, I attacked my quit as the verse in my signature implies (1Cor 9:24).  I chose to treat my quit as Paul states I should strive for holiness, with perseverance, endurance, and with everything I have!  While I could have chosen to stop or “kind of quit", I instead chose to have a forever quit and made it a conscientious decision to quit every second from there on out.  Part of this was an emphasis to WUPP EVERY DAY … no crying, no complaining, just doing my part.  I state all this only to say that we are all grown adults on this site, we chose to be a part of it, and by such we reap a significant reward.  While I understand “life happens” and there are times when you may need a pickup, it should not be someone else’s responsibility to continually hunt you down and remind you to post roll.  I will take this time to give a shout out to all those that track and monitor rolls.  You are all better men/women than I.  Back to the task at hand … At the end of the day, I can with significant confidence state that we all have busy lives with kids, spouses, family, chores, travel, work, other commitments, … etc.  Yet, the vast majority on this site find a way to juggle all this AND still post their commitment EVERY morning without any nudging from others.  If you find yourself outside this majority, I simply ask you to ponder this question: How do you think they manage this feat?   
Title: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: Aumegrad on September 11, 2018, 12:29:00 PM
I am currently 51 days quit and realized I have never posted an Intro. Here we go Â…

Hi, my name is Johnathon and I am a 38 year old Mechanical Engineer who lives and works in the lovely state of Alabama.

I have been a nicotine addict since I was 12 years old (Marlboro Lights). Initially starting with cigarettes, I later picked up dip at 15 (Skoal Wintergreen Longcut). Everyone in my family at the time used tobacco in one form or another, it was the norm. So, I continued using both through high school and college. I generally hid my dip as I was always embarrassed by it, however was forthcoming to others about smoking as I couldn’t hide it. The only people who knew I dipped were close friends and golf partners (and this held true till my quit 7 weeks ago). I met my “future” wife at 23, a nontobacco user, who knew I smoked however never complained and never asked me to quit. Coming to grips with the reality that smoking would indeed kill me someday, I decided to quit before we got married. Mind you, she never asked me too, but I realized that if I didn’t do it then, I would never quit. Once I started building habits in a new house with this new life, it would be infinitely harder for me to quit. I assumed that smoking what be more difficult to quit than dipping (ignorant). My plan was to get through all the smoking withdrawals while continuing to ninja dip, then quit dip at some point in the future. I would hide it from my wife by frequent bathroom breaks, quick runs to the store for random crap no one needed, … etc. I made a conscience decision at that point to not let my wife know I dipped because she would have one of two reactions:
A)   She would accept it and I would start dipping more routinely around her and make that many more habits that I would at some point have to break.
B)   She would not accept it and continue to nag me about. Being the spiteful person I generally am, constant nagging would not have been a good situation for our marriage.
Because of these reasons, I moved forward with my plan. I quit smoking the day before our marriage which was a terrible decision … 8 days in Hawaii with a new bride and nicotine withdrawals … stupid, but I did it. Fast forward over the next 12 years, it went by amazingly fast. We had three beautiful children who unwittingly appeared to try and “out” me daily by playing about my hidden “stash”, seemingly determined to uncover my dip cans. It’s funny to look back and see the effects of the hidden dip. I literally would choose vacation rentals based on the privacy of the master bath. Was it large enough for me to keep my luggage there so I didn’t run the risk of being caught taking cans in and out? Did it have doors I could lock to keep people out? Sadly, there were certain vacations that I simply wouldn’t even consider because I knew how hard it would be to sneak a dip. This even included not staying with my in-laws when we visited them because the house wasn’t “Ninja Dip Accessible”. Think of the affect this had on my marriage?!?! These are just a couple examples of how nicotine controlled my every thought and action.

So again, years went by and at no time did I even ponder quitting my 1-2 can/day addiction. It was a part of my life and I unknowingly just accepted that this is the way my life was intended to be. All that changed within a matter of weeks, where my blissful ignorance was transformed into fearful rage. I started experiencing what so many of us have before, jaw pain and mouth sores. While I wasn’t overly concerned, I began to realize that if I continued dipping, those pains could at some point turn out to be the big C. Then, how would I explain to my kids that because of my selfishness, I will not be able to be there for them to help guide them in life. Because I chose an easy way out, unable to better manage the stress in my life, they could be fatherless? Because I was blindly going through life, refusing to face reality, they may at some point call another man “dad” … and what if he is a terrible person? I know all this sounds emotional and a bit dramatic, but these thoughts instantly filled my mind and enraged me. These thoughts could become reality if chose to continue to dip. These thoughts then began an avalanche of thoughts as a curtain being drawn back, revealing the ugly truth nicotine has been hiding from me. If I am a MAN, why in the hell am I sneaking around my house and keeping secrets from the people I love? What do I want in life, what is my end goal? Do I want to be the honest, attentive husband my wife deserves? Do I want to be the devoted, loving father my kids deserve? The answer to all of these is YES. So, the next logical question, how do I make this happen? While the answer seems straight forward now, I still had a hard time seeing clearly through the nicotine fog. Until one day I was preparing a Sunday School lesson for the book of Colossians. In preparation of this lesson, I was studying various points including idolatry. It was at this point, it hit me like a ton of bricks … nicotine was my idol. It was no longer a harmless habit that could potentially influence my worldly life, this was an unconfessed sin that has a very real and negative impact on my eternal life! It was literally within 24 hrs that I found the KTC website, realized what needed to be done and within only a few days of facing all the items outlined above … on July 23, 2018 I quit … I quit being a slave … I eliminated an idol in my life that I placed before God, my family, my friends, my life … I quit telling the convenience store clerk “no no, I said LONG cut” … I quit worrying about how many cans of dip I had stashed in my sports coats and how many more I could transport … I quit having my kids look for me when I disappear for 20 minutes … I quit ensuring ALL dip cans and spitters were removed from my laptop bag before important meetings or teaching Sunday School … I quit vacuuming all the loose dip grains in my car seat and floorboard … I quit letting a dead plant dictate where we vacationed … I quit worrying every time a sore arose in my mouth … I quit letting everyone think I had IBS because I went to the bathroom so often … I quit hiding cans of dip in my sock and worrying someone would see its outline in my pants … I quit being controlled by a drug that has no true redeeming qualities … I quit … I quit … I QUIT!!

I had my last dip at 6:30am on the July 23rd. While at work on the same day, I wrote my wife a letter explaining much of what I wrote above. I knew I would mess it up if I tried to verbalize 12 years of lies. I was tired of it, I needed to come clean and I needed her support. On the way home, I spent ~$100 on gum, seeds (pumpkin and sunflower), beef jerky (sticks and chew), various Smokey Mountain cans, mints, hard candy, … you get the picture. Got home, hugged the kids, took my wife outside and told her to read the note. First sentence in, she looked up and said “I knew you dipped”. What the hell, I thought I was stealthy?!?!? You can’t hide it gentlemen! I encouraged her to keep reading. She stood up, hugged me, and has been in my court ever since.

Frankly, the quit hasnÂ’t been as bad as I had made it out to be in my head. DonÂ’t get me wrong, it hasnÂ’t been fun either. In fact, Oliver posted several weeks ago about the woes of ~ day 50 and he was right. Days 48-50 have been as bad as Days 1-3 for me, no joke. But I know it will get better and frankly, my craves just piss me off more and makes me want to skull drag nicotine! It strengthens my quit Â… and helps me direct my anger towards it rather than loved ones.

I know this is long and drawn out, however before I found this website, I thought I was unique. I thought I was the only one that faced these sometimes silly and often serious issues. However, because many of those before me took the time to outline their experiences and the positive affect they had on me, I write this in hopes that it helps someone out there who may have a similar story but still holding to the nicotine. You are not alone, you are not special, and your life isnÂ’t any harder than anyone elseÂ’s. If I/we can quit, you can too Â… just QUIT. You are not here by accident, QUIT. It is one thing in life that you wonÂ’t regret!

I will also note, writing this is helping me through a crave ?

Thanks for reading,
Johnathon Â… LetÂ’s Go Rawkstars!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: Capital70 on September 11, 2018, 12:51:00 PM
That was freaking amazing! So many parallels to my own life! Pretty sure I sent you my number once before but I am doing it again because I really like you!!!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: BBQchips on September 11, 2018, 02:01:00 PM
Just read thru and wanted to say “thank you” for sharing all of that. Feel very similar to you in the “what ifs” and doubts I constantly have. That and the ninja life. Proud to QWYT.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: CLEalt on September 11, 2018, 02:10:00 PM
Great intro. I too was a ninja dipper. Until I saw the end I was thinking to myself, "no way he never got caught." Lol. Congrats on quitting. You'll never regret it.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: copequits on September 11, 2018, 02:16:00 PM
Thanks for that! It was just the right time I needed to read something of that nature. Those are some great references to what so many of us have been through. Proud to have you as an October brother.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: Skolvikings on September 11, 2018, 03:17:00 PM
Well..... that was freaking awesome.

I hope you keep writing, these words will definitely help a new quitter, it strengthened my quit.

Great job paying it forward :)
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: gottadoit on September 11, 2018, 03:38:00 PM
I agree with all of the other comments. Spelled out most of my ninja habits to a "T". Thanks for the reminder of how I used to be so stupid, that I couldn't see how it was harming my family so much.

Proud to be quit with you today!!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: Aumegrad on September 11, 2018, 03:47:00 PM
I thank you all for your comments. While I would love to say writing this was completely selfless, it was quite therapeutic for me to air it all out. It's really not till one starts to pen his actions, that he can truly see how foolish he is. Seriously, how foolish were we all?!?! This has been an experience like no other and I'll be damned if I freely let others go down the same path.

Also meant to add ... I am awaiting a response from Doofus. His avatar has NOTHING to do with it 'Popcorn'
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: Doofus on September 11, 2018, 05:41:00 PM
Lol, I'm not one to judge or deny anyone a desired pleasure....but now you can study my avatar up close.

As far as your intro, you are ahead of me, I waited until 66ish to write an intro, everything changed at that moment because it was then that I knew I was not alone, the similar stories, the dudes saying, "I did that shit too!", all the same addict behavior, repeated over and over and over. All because of a dead flavored weed. 3 tins a day of Skoal LC mint was the suicide poison that I was addicted to for 30 years but the form didnt matter honestly....a drug is a drug.

I dont post a daily journal always, life gets in the way sometimes...... but writing and communicating is part of the treatment. It helps to know that you aren't alone and life is truly ok without the dead weed. Do not be afraid to over communicate here on KTC.

If you browse my intro, you'll see a post from a vet (Dundippin) which said,

"It sounds like you have your mind made up on this quit and that is the entire battle. Once you stop the conversation in your head about whether to do one more or not, then the rest is easy."

I'll pass that wisdom along to you courtesy of Dundippin, a total stranger who lent a hand in saving my life.

.....and give you some words of my own.

Learn from others, this site is exactly what you just shared above. You will make mistakes, there will be fights and arguments, people here you dont like or agree with but the one constant is that we are all addicts. Once you strip addiction of its secrets, its lies, bring it out into the open, shine a light, study it....it withers and dies. WE may never be "cured" but WE get control back, WE take back our freedom.....post, share, give back and always learn. As complete strangers here, we can do each other an ETERNAL favor ( A KINDNESS) of providing accountability and support to be quit and save lives. I know you will be happy with the result. And be happy with this Avatar, she is here to support you:)

As always, PM me if you want to be added to my daily text roll, I post support in Rawktober with a few of your bros. Pleasure to meet you, ODAAT!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: Aumegrad on September 11, 2018, 08:22:00 PM
Sorry Doofus, I am certain you typed words of encouragement, however I simply canÂ’t get past the avatar ?

I appreciate your words of wisdom and will definitely heed them. I am in this for the long haul and will take any help offered. I am proud to quit with you as well.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: Aumegrad on September 12, 2018, 10:45:00 AM
Some general quit observations and thoughts from my quit on day 52:

-The first 3 days, a couple days during week 3, and days 49-51 I experienced the following:
oExtremely tired Â… i.e. I am in bed and sound asleep by 8:30pm
9:30-10pm typical bedtime
oReal twitchy when sleeping and occasionally wakes me
Wife notices them too when I’m sleeping and claims they are like an electrical jolt that starts at my head and works its way down my body
oWake up multiple times during these nights and sometimes hard to get back to sleep
oWake up groggy, zero desire to work out
Just force myself to do some jumping jacks, sit ups, and pushups to get blood flowing
oFeeling of “I’ll just get to work when I can today” … very much like Eeyore
oCravings and constantly convincing myself that nicotine wonÂ’t help anything
I love a good challenge and I am down for the quit, I have simply come too far, I am mentally tough and powered my way through a lot and this is nothing!
oI am very short tempered and would appreciate if the movie “Purge” was real life … just for a few minutes at a time
Snap at wife, snap at kids … gotta be very cognizant here. Acknowledge your actions and correct them quickly! We can't take our aggression out on the ones we love.

-Then all the sudden, it goes as fast as it came. Today on 52, felt like:
oWoke up rejuvenated, got a good workout in (chest and triÂ’s today)
oGot to work on time (only road raging once Â… seriously, just get the f outta the fast lane ahole)
oReady to take on the world
oThe Hulk has converted back to Bruce Banner and he is glad the movie “Purge” is not real life

It’s just interesting how all this plays out. I told my wife last night how bad the past couple days have been. Her response was “oh I can tell” and “I can’t believe it is affecting you this far along”. But it got me thinking, nicotine was more than crutch when everything hit the fan. It was always my “light at the end of the tunnel”. Not only when the day sucked but even on the good days too. No matter what I looked forward to, I always added to it “and then after that, I can get a dip”. So hypothetically, even if I had won the lottery, I would have been elated and then my immediate thought would be “oh can’t wait to get a dip now”. Nicotine was so pervasive in my life, it attached itself onto every thought I had. For emphasis, that is EVERY thought between 12 and 38 years old. I say all of this only to say, it is immeasurably foolish to assume that this could quickly and easily be corrected. It has only been 52 days of correction for a drug that controlled my brain for 26 years.

So, nicotine, I get that. I get that I will have great highs and I will have lows. I get that it will just take time to slowly erase you from my life. I get that during this time, you will taunt me, and you will try to convince me that the easy way out is just to cave. That one little dip won’t hurt anything or that one cigar to chew on while playing golf will be harmless. But please know this, my resolve is much stronger than any hold you ever had on me. Sure this will continue to suck, but I consider it a pleasure and an honor to endure this pain just for the satisfaction of knowing that I can look into your eyes and with great gladness and a smile exclaim “you have NO control over me and are as effective in my life as a rose pedal on a turd … BRING IT”.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: AppleJack on September 12, 2018, 12:38:00 PM
Quote from: Aumegrad
...it a pleasure and an honor to endure this pain just for the satisfaction of knowing that I can look into your eyes and with great gladness and a smile exclaim “you have NO control over me and are as effective in my life as a rose pedal on a turd … BRING IT”.
Oh. Hell. Yes. This ^^^... THIS^^^!!

... Is one of THE most important attitude components to ANY success here!

No whining.
No looking back.
No romanticized “love lost” bullshit.

Owning ALL of the good and bad and using every damn bit of it as momentum.

Well said, sir!

Bro, there WILL come a time when your attitude will show you a freedom you didnÂ’t know was possible. Trust me. I say it allÂ’a time because the truth of it is profound: Get involved... Stay involved. It works. Ask me how I know...

AJ... Day 1,975
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
Post by: Kickin-wing on September 13, 2018, 05:22:00 PM
Rereading your intro today was laughing at this:
Quote
I would hide it from my wife by frequent bathroom breaks, quick runs to the store for random crap no one needed, Â… etc.
Not only is your nic vector of choice expensive but how much money have we all wasted on these "store runs!" Glad to be quit today.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on June 05, 2019, 09:26:25 AM
Goodness, I stand here at 317 days of outright freedom.  My, how time has flown.  It has been a while since I have documented my progress and figure now is as good a time as any. 

Much has changed since my last update at 150.  I’ve made it thru a Christmas, a couple trips to Vegas, a lot of golf, a few funerals, beach vacation, my own Sunday School class (studying used to be a major trigger), general highs and lows.  Out of all this, dip was never a variable in my equation of life.  Don’t get me wrong, there were many times of crave, but none were ever legitimate enough to cause me to even consider falling back on my word to my brothers.  WUPP has simply become my new way of life.  Texting brothers every morning is as common to me as that first sip of coffee.  It has all become a part of the new me.  So even as I continue going through these mental withdrawal symptoms, I know I will persevere.  I have spoken before about seeing a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, but that light has become much brighter.  Not sure how long it take to get thru the tunnel, or if I ever will, but I can attest that each day has been better than the previous.  For instance on our recent beach trip, the additional time I had to catch crabs with the kids, drink coffee and chat with my wife, simply focus on happiness as opposed to my next hit, this is the way life should be ... the way God intended. 

Interestingly enough, I was texting with a quit brother today about the trails and tests Christians will endure.  And as James 1:2-4 and 1 Peter 1:3-9 states, these trials are necessary to perfect our faith leading to an imperishable and undefiled inheritance which is maintained by God.  On a much less ‘eternal’ scale, I view my quit much in this manner.  These craves and this battle’s refining me, improving and perfecting me for the reward of a more fruitful life of being a better husband, father, friend, ... etc.  So as you encounter these craves or mental fogs, don’t let them distress you.  As James would say “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, ...”(1:2).

Aumegrad 317 and its good to be quit!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: oldschool on June 05, 2019, 10:27:10 AM
Goodness, I stand here at 317 days of outright freedom.  My, how time has flown.  It has been a while since I have documented my progress and figure now is as good a time as any. 

Much has changed since my last update at 150.  I’ve made it thru a Christmas, a couple trips to Vegas, a lot of golf, a few funerals, beach vacation, my own Sunday School class (studying used to be a major trigger), general highs and lows.  Out of all this, dip was never a variable in my equation of life.  Don’t get me wrong, there were many times of crave, but none were ever legitimate enough to cause me to even consider falling back on my word to my brothers.  WUPP has simply become my new way of life.  Texting brothers every morning is as common to me as that first sip of coffee.  It has all become a part of the new me.  So even as I continue going through these mental withdrawal symptoms, I know I will persevere.  I have spoken before about seeing a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, but that light has become much brighter.  Not sure how long it take to get thru the tunnel, or if I ever will, but I can attest that each day has been better than the previous.  For instance on our recent beach trip, the additional time I had to catch crabs with the kids, drink coffee and chat with my wife, simply focus on happiness as opposed to my next hit, this is the way life should be ... the way God intended. 

Interestingly enough, I was texting with a quit brother today about the trails and tests Christians will endure.  And as James 1:2-4 and 1 Peter 1:3-9 states, these trials are necessary to perfect our faith leading to an imperishable and undefiled inheritance which is maintained by God.  On a much less ‘eternal’ scale, I view my quit much in this manner.  These craves and this battle’s refining me, improving and perfecting me for the reward of a more fruitful life of being a better husband, father, friend, ... etc.  So as you encounter these craves or mental fogs, don’t let them distress you.  As James would say “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, ...”(1:2).

Aumegrad 317 and its good to be quit!
Proud to be in the fight with you Johnathon!  Your guidance, support, and fighting attitude always strengthens my quit.  So glad that you are enjoying your family and life is treating you well!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Athan on June 05, 2019, 04:57:56 PM
Goodness, I stand here at 317 days of outright freedom.  My, how time has flown.  It has been a while since I have documented my progress and figure now is as good a time as any. 

Much has changed since my last update at 150.  I’ve made it thru a Christmas, a couple trips to Vegas, a lot of golf, a few funerals, beach vacation, my own Sunday School class (studying used to be a major trigger), general highs and lows.  Out of all this, dip was never a variable in my equation of life.  Don’t get me wrong, there were many times of crave, but none were ever legitimate enough to cause me to even consider falling back on my word to my brothers.  WUPP has simply become my new way of life.  Texting brothers every morning is as common to me as that first sip of coffee.  It has all become a part of the new me.  So even as I continue going through these mental withdrawal symptoms, I know I will persevere.  I have spoken before about seeing a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, but that light has become much brighter.  Not sure how long it take to get thru the tunnel, or if I ever will, but I can attest that each day has been better than the previous.  For instance on our recent beach trip, the additional time I had to catch crabs with the kids, drink coffee and chat with my wife, simply focus on happiness as opposed to my next hit, this is the way life should be ... the way God intended. 

Interestingly enough, I was texting with a quit brother today about the trails and tests Christians will endure.  And as James 1:2-4 and 1 Peter 1:3-9 states, these trials are necessary to perfect our faith leading to an imperishable and undefiled inheritance which is maintained by God.  On a much less ‘eternal’ scale, I view my quit much in this manner.  These craves and this battle’s refining me, improving and perfecting me for the reward of a more fruitful life of being a better husband, father, friend, ... etc.  So as you encounter these craves or mental fogs, don’t let them distress you.  As James would say “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, ...”(1:2).

Aumegrad 317 and its good to be quit!
Proud to be in the fight with you Johnathon!  Your guidance, support, and fighting attitude always strengthens my quit.  So glad that you are enjoying your family and life is treating you well!
My sentiments exactly.  God loves you so much that He uses you to bless others including myself.  Continually edified by your daily texts! 
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on July 28, 2019, 07:12:12 PM
As I begin my second trip around the sun as a free man, I feel compelled to document a few things.  Mainly the fact that the past year was filled with new experiences and events, alongside all the typical and routine ho-hum events.  I was able to get through all these nicotine free.  Think of that, barring anything uniquely atypical, I have already sailed thru any event that comes my way as a free man.  That’s exciting to ponder.

Also of interest to me is the following ... I grew up camping and enjoyed it as a kid.  My wife mentioned many times over the past decade how nice it would be to get a travel trailer, or aka a ninja dippers nightmare!  I always gave a ridiculous reason why we couldn’t because I could never think of a creative way to dip without my wife and 3 kids finding out.  All the while thinking how great it would be for my family to travel and camp together.  Well, over the past year being nic free, I purchased a capable tow vehicle and the 30’ travel trailer.  We set out on our first trip a couple weekends ago and as if I couldn’t already write an essay on the pro’s of quitting, that trip solidified it.  We had a blast, kids had a blast, and I can’t describe the unity my family had for those 3 days.  No fighting kids and just pure happiness, the way life should be.  And to think, had I never quit nicotine, I would have never experienced this.  I look forward to the next several trips we already have planned.

If you’ve made it this far down this post and still contemplating quitting, all I can say is simply “DO IT”!  Bone up and do it.  That’s it.  Follow the protocol on this website and just quit.  It has revealed a new life for me that simply didn’t exist before.  I feel healthier and am happier.  Granted, even 371 days into my quit, I still crave.  But at this point, it is what it is.  I am quit and that is that.  The craves go as quickly as they come, but they do come.  And utilizing the tools I have picked up from this board, I combat them.

Anyhow, I am excited to see what this next trip around the sun has in store for me.  About the only thing I am confident of is that nicotine won’t be in ANY of the cards.  Eat a fat one, skoal!

Let’s quit guys, it’s kind of awesome!

Aumegrad 371 and smelling the roses
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on January 03, 2020, 09:35:44 AM
I was digging around my cpu and came across the original letter I typed my wife 530 days ago when I decided enough was enough (outlined in my original Intro post).  I had all but forgotten my mental state at the time of my quit, however reading thru this brought back every emotion, reconfirming my commitment so many days ago.  I never anticipated sharing this personal note outside of my marriage, but perhaps it’ll strike a nerve with someone on the fence of quitting.  That Aumegrad was completely different that this Aumegrad.  For starters, that Aumegrad was a slave.  While this Aumegrad is a free man.  Both Aumegrads are addicts, but this Aumegrad is fully aware and accepting of this, and with the tools obtained from this website, can overwhelmingly control it.  If you are on the fence and don’t know if you can quit, just do it.  Follow the protocol on this site and smell the freedom with me, it simply works!

So here is the note, names omitted because I’m just paranoid like that  ;)

“Wife,
I have a confession I need to make to you.  When I quit smoking 12 years ago, I supplemented the cigarettes with dip to help ease the withdrawals.  My plan was to quit smoking, then ween myself off dip.  However, from that time, I have dipped every day since.  I hid this from you for various reasons:

    1)   I didn’t want you to accept it as I never anticipated it lasting this long
                     a.   Your acceptance could have made it harder to quit and I didn’t deserve that
    2)   I didn’t want you to reject it and generate areas of conflict within our relationship

Ultimately, I knew how you felt about it and fact of the matter, I was ashamed.  I was ashamed for anyone to know, especially my kids.  Few people actually know I dip and have dipped, VERY few.

With this said, over the past 12 years, it has controlled me and taken my time and attention from you and the kids.  It has caused me to lie to you.  It has caused me to sneak around like a drug addict in order to get my “fix”.  For all of this, I truly do apologize.  I truly can’t appropriately state how ashamed it has made me.

When coming to grips that I had ZERO control over this situation … it was literally taking my family from me (both figuratively and potentially physically) … it had become an idol in my life and source of willful sin that has gone on ignored for entirely too long … it was an important consideration of my every decision … IT HAD TO GO!

Through the various studies of the past couple months, God revealed this sin to me.  I frankly never thought of it as such, however the mere fact that I let it drive my decisions and actions, somehow this dip became an overwhelming idol and sin in my life.  And it is a sin that I have determined to rid my life of as it had become a master of me.  Per Bro. John’s example last night, how can I be filled with the Holy Spirit if nicotine is all up in there?!?!   This sin has been kicked off the island!  Sadly, this is one of the primary reasons I chose not to become a deacon … go figure!

I realize this is something I can’t expect you to fully understand, though hope you can appreciate when I tell you.  Nicotine is a seemingly amazing drug which allows the stresses of life to simply fall away even if only for an hour or so.  But as seemingly great as this was and considering all the tough times in my life that it helped me through, this drug doesn’t and shouldn’t compare anywhere near you, Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3 … and Christ!  But the sad truth is that it did.  From this point forward, I re-devote my life to you, to our kids, and to my Savior.  I know this seems cheesy but I am forcing myself to write this out so there is no sugar coating the crappy situation it has put me in and in turn, has put you in.  I want you to understand that though this was a conscience decision for the past 12 years (which I accept responsibility for), this stuff is just nasty!  Regardless, it has simply been unfair to you and I can’t apologize enough.  Honesty and integrity are vitally important to me and looking back, just unsure how I justified compromising these to you for so long.

Anyhow, I ask that you please bear with me over the next 1-2 month(s).  I would imagine I will be experiencing some significant withdrawals and frankly not looking forward to it.  However, my desire to eliminate all of the negative items listed above far outweigh whatever suckiness I encounter in the coming days/weeks.  Bottom line, though tobacco and nicotine have been a part of my life for 26 years, they WILL NO LONGER be.

So in closing, I love you and hope that you can forgive me.  I can assure you that there are no other skeleton’s in this closet.  I ask for your support in kicking this vice.  Please let me know when I’m being too much … honestly and politely! 

Your Loving Husband,”

Aumegrad 530 quit as a free man!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on January 09, 2020, 12:53:13 PM
Man, I remember it well.  The roughly 24hrs surrounding my decision to quit.  Feelings of being lost, confused, anxious, scared, mad, depressed … the list goes on.  All simultaneously fighting one another in my mind in some morbid game of “King of the Hill”, all vying to become the controlling emotion in my life.  Though on the outside, I held it all together and acted as if I were in control (for the most part).  But inside, it was literally an unceasing war.  It was like my mind was filled with uncontrollable crowd noise that just wouldn’t stop, neither night or day. 

I remember questioning: How would I ever overcome this out-of-control mental rollercoaster?  Would I ever be able to enter new positive emotions into this emotional melee and push it to the Hilltop as King?  When would it all end?  When will this quit be worth it?  Would it all be worth it?

It was during this time I realized that I wasn’t simply battling a habit.  No, I was indeed warring with an addiction.  Always down for some adversity, I was ready.  Reading thru this site, I realized I could conquer it.  I realized if ANYBODY ELSE could do it, I sure HELL would be able to do it … absolutely NOTHING could stop me.  Not the emotional rollercoaster, not the mental noise, not the craves, NOTHING!

I jumped in.  Man, I jumped all-in to this website.  I drank the Kool-aid, dug my feet in and began fighting back.  Within no time, I was able to introduce positive emotions into the melee.  These emotions (joy, happiness, contentment, … etc.) ran up the hill with determination and a purpose.  Like me in my quit, they scratched, they clawed, they swung, they kicked, they yelled there way to the top.  Soon, my feelings of anxiety, fear, and anger were being dominated by their positive counterparts.  The positives were more consistently becoming King of the Hill.  Simultaneously, the crowd noise in my mind slowly grew quieter and quieter like a breeze slowly floating away from me. 

Next thing I know, my mind was being dominated with happiness and filled with positive emotions.  My mind was being overwhelmed with clarity to think about whatever I wanted, not controlled by my addiction.  I was able to start recapturing the time lost after more than a decade of ninja dipping.  The list goes on. 

Simply put, I was able to overcome the negative emotions and it has been most definitely worth it.  If I were asked if I’d be worth it to do again, my response would be simple: “I’d be my pleasure”!

If you are in your quit infancy or on the fence to do so, you must believe there is freedom.  It is available and attainable to you.  It is not easy, but it also isn’t as difficult as your mind is telling you it is.  You can do it and if you believe nothing more from me, please believe this … It is entirely worth it!

Aumegrad 536 with no regrets!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on July 28, 2020, 01:44:30 PM
It has been a while since documenting my quit journey and figure now is as good a time as any ...

As I begin my 3rd trip around the sun as a free man and no longer a man gripped by addiction, I can’t help but think of my position 737 days ago.  That extraordinary point where one second prior, I was an addicted slave and that sudaequent second where, I was free.  It literally happened in an instant, the moment that last dip was pulled from my cheek.  That instant in time changed my whole life.  Granted I had thought about it prior, but those thoughts didn’t prevent me from stuffing my face, it was the decisive moment.  That decision at that singular point in time lead to a stronger bond with my wife, more time focused on kids, stronger desire to study scripture, a stronger desire to excersize, and a general renewed interest in life.  We talk about defining points, THAT is a defining point.  Regardless what happens moving forward, that was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I could talk about the crappiness of withdrawals or the occasional craves I still get, but for what purpose?!  I am free and have been afforded more than I frankly deserve.  I love being quit, it is a large puzzle piece that makes Aumegrad.  So whatever negative that was associated with my quit, the positives ALL outweigh it.  Was it scary, hell yeah it was.  Was/Is it worth it, absofreakinlutely!

You see, at that very finite point in time, I made a decision that I was done with nicotine.  Failure simply wasn’t/isn’t an option.  I have molded that determination with the tools offered by this site and the bond of my fellow quit brothers and sisters to beat this addiction one day at a time.  That one very decisive point that changed my life is affordable to any of you who are still beholden to your addiction.  Just quit, that instant will change your life forever and will simply be a decision you will never regret!

Aumegrad 737
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Keith0617 on July 29, 2020, 11:52:04 AM
It has been a while since documenting my quit journey and figure now is as good a time as any ...

As I begin my 3rd trip around the sun as a free man and no longer a man gripped by addiction, I can’t help but think of my position 737 days ago.  That extraordinary point where one second prior, I was an addicted slave and that sudaequent second where, I was free.  It literally happened in an instant, the moment that last dip was pulled from my cheek.  That instant in time changed my whole life.  Granted I had thought about it prior, but those thoughts didn’t prevent me from stuffing my face, it was the decisive moment.  That decision at that singular point in time lead to a stronger bond with my wife, more time focused on kids, stronger desire to study scripture, a stronger desire to excersize, and a general renewed interest in life.  We talk about defining points, THAT is a defining point.  Regardless what happens moving forward, that was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I could talk about the crappiness of withdrawals or the occasional craves I still get, but for what purpose?!  I am free and have been afforded more than I frankly deserve.  I love being quit, it is a large puzzle piece that makes Aumegrad.  So whatever negative that was associated with my quit, the positives ALL outweigh it.  Was it scary, hell yeah it was.  Was/Is it worth it, absofreakinlutely!

You see, at that very finite point in time, I made a decision that I was done with nicotine.  Failure simply wasn’t/isn’t an option.  I have molded that determination with the tools offered by this site and the bond of my fellow quit brothers and sisters to beat this addiction one day at a time.  That one very decisive point that changed my life is affordable to any of you who are still beholden to your addiction.  Just quit, that instant will change your life forever and will simply be a decision you will never regret!

Aumegrad 737
congrats brother!!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: oldschool on July 29, 2020, 01:37:06 PM
It has been a while since documenting my quit journey and figure now is as good a time as any ...

As I begin my 3rd trip around the sun as a free man and no longer a man gripped by addiction, I can’t help but think of my position 737 days ago.  That extraordinary point where one second prior, I was an addicted slave and that sudaequent second where, I was free.  It literally happened in an instant, the moment that last dip was pulled from my cheek.  That instant in time changed my whole life.  Granted I had thought about it prior, but those thoughts didn’t prevent me from stuffing my face, it was the decisive moment.  That decision at that singular point in time lead to a stronger bond with my wife, more time focused on kids, stronger desire to study scripture, a stronger desire to excersize, and a general renewed interest in life.  We talk about defining points, THAT is a defining point.  Regardless what happens moving forward, that was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I could talk about the crappiness of withdrawals or the occasional craves I still get, but for what purpose?!  I am free and have been afforded more than I frankly deserve.  I love being quit, it is a large puzzle piece that makes Aumegrad.  So whatever negative that was associated with my quit, the positives ALL outweigh it.  Was it scary, hell yeah it was.  Was/Is it worth it, absofreakinlutely!

You see, at that very finite point in time, I made a decision that I was done with nicotine.  Failure simply wasn’t/isn’t an option.  I have molded that determination with the tools offered by this site and the bond of my fellow quit brothers and sisters to beat this addiction one day at a time.  That one very decisive point that changed my life is affordable to any of you who are still beholden to your addiction.  Just quit, that instant will change your life forever and will simply be a decision you will never regret!

Aumegrad 737
congrats brother!!

You have been a mentor, an inspiration and friend - Congrats Johnathon!  Let's keep quitting one day at a time!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: FISHFLORIDA on July 29, 2020, 02:33:00 PM
It has been a while since documenting my quit journey and figure now is as good a time as any ...

As I begin my 3rd trip around the sun as a free man and no longer a man gripped by addiction, I can’t help but think of my position 737 days ago.  That extraordinary point where one second prior, I was an addicted slave and that sudaequent second where, I was free.  It literally happened in an instant, the moment that last dip was pulled from my cheek.  That instant in time changed my whole life.  Granted I had thought about it prior, but those thoughts didn’t prevent me from stuffing my face, it was the decisive moment.  That decision at that singular point in time lead to a stronger bond with my wife, more time focused on kids, stronger desire to study scripture, a stronger desire to excersize, and a general renewed interest in life.  We talk about defining points, THAT is a defining point.  Regardless what happens moving forward, that was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I could talk about the crappiness of withdrawals or the occasional craves I still get, but for what purpose?!  I am free and have been afforded more than I frankly deserve.  I love being quit, it is a large puzzle piece that makes Aumegrad.  So whatever negative that was associated with my quit, the positives ALL outweigh it.  Was it scary, hell yeah it was.  Was/Is it worth it, absofreakinlutely!

You see, at that very finite point in time, I made a decision that I was done with nicotine.  Failure simply wasn’t/isn’t an option.  I have molded that determination with the tools offered by this site and the bond of my fellow quit brothers and sisters to beat this addiction one day at a time.  That one very decisive point that changed my life is affordable to any of you who are still beholden to your addiction.  Just quit, that instant will change your life forever and will simply be a decision you will never regret!

Aumegrad 737
congrats brother!!

You have been a mentor, an inspiration and friend - Congrats Johnathon!  Let's keep quitting one day at a time!
Awesome job man!  Proud to be quit with you.
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Athan on September 29, 2020, 06:44:18 PM
Hey, anyone seen Hundy?  I heard Aumegrad ate him. That's right, Aumegrad ate Hundy!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on January 03, 2021, 06:53:40 PM
“The easy way”, this thought has been weighing heavy on my mind lately.   Nothing that I accomplished and hold dear was “easy”, in fact they were the complete opposite.

I also think of all the significant military victories in history, none were “easy”.  They were all nearly insurmountably difficult with significant loss: Dday, Battle of the Bulge, Gettysburg, Battle of Hamburger Hill, etc. 

I also consider Matt 7:13-14 where wide and easy is the path that leads to destruction, narrow and difficult is the path to eternal life.

Point being, anything worth having has a cost and that cost is never “easy”.  This includes nicotine.  Quitting nicotine is not for the weak, it’s not easy.  BUT it is doable for everyone who has the testicular fortitude to simply do it.  This website is filled with those warriors who braved the withdrawals, the sleepless nights, the rage, the headaches, the ‘longing’ sensation, etc and are quit and free from the grips of nicotine.  They aren’t anymore special than anyone else, they simply chose the ‘difficult’ path because they knew the reward would be more than worth it and they would let NOTHING stop them.  So you too can choose this path, just do it.  But regardless of your decision, I will be quit today regardless of ANYTHING that comes my way and will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.  My question is, how about you?!?

Aumegrad 896 <— guaranteed
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on August 04, 2021, 06:15:17 PM
Nothing verbose, just QUIT. 

How about you?

Aumegrad 1,109 all freak’n day long … get some!!!!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on October 06, 2021, 08:37:32 PM
What’s it worth to you?  This is a question worth answering for both quitters and those still beholden to your addiction.  Regardless if addressing your addiction or freedom, I think it helps ultimately lead to the same conclusion.

For me, freedom is ultimately worth everything.  It’s worth the extra time with family not trying to sneak a dip.  It’s making plans and worrying about everything BUT nicotine.  It’s not sweating dentist visits.  It’s walking into a C store and not being fazed by the wall O’Nicotine behind the register.  It’s feeling sorry for the poor saps buying products off that wall.  It’s the extra jingle in my pockets from not buying off that wall myself.  Its the pride in knowing what I’ve overcome.  It’s the freedom in knowing that I have mortified an idol/sin in my life and the resulting progress along my path of sanctification.  As Paul pinned …

“Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭6:12‬ ‭

I could continue, but will simply reiterate, what is freedom worth to me? EVERYTHING! 


Aumegrad 1,172 and incredibly free!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Aumegrad on November 08, 2021, 06:43:57 PM
Just left the dentist for a routine cleaning and checkup.  Though I have had about 6 or 7 nicotine-free cleanings since quit, I couldn’t help but think of the post cleaning conundrum I used to be faced with prior to my quit.  You know the one.  I didn’t dip before the cleaning, but REALLY wanted one post cleaning and I KNEW it will taste nasty.  I didn’t enjoy it, but I chewed anyways just looking all silly hating myself.

Made me laugh to think of how stupid I used to be.  Man it feels great to be free from these ridiculous “issues”.

1,205 days quit today and promise all of you NO NICOTINE for me!
Title: Re: Aumegrad Intro
Post by: Athan on November 09, 2021, 06:51:48 PM
Just left the dentist for a routine cleaning and checkup.  Though I have had about 6 or 7 nicotine-free cleanings since quit, I couldn’t help but think of the post cleaning conundrum I used to be faced with prior to my quit.  You know the one.  I didn’t dip before the cleaning, but REALLY wanted one post cleaning and I KNEW it will taste nasty.  I didn’t enjoy it, but I chewed anyways just looking all silly hating myself.

Made me laugh to think of how stupid I used to be.  Man it feels great to be free from these ridiculous “issues”.

1,205 days quit today and promise all of you NO NICOTINE for me!
Man there ain't nothing like a dentist visit to put a smile on my face! ;D