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Offline Aumegrad

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Re: Aumegrad Intro
« Reply #33 on: June 05, 2019, 09:26:25 AM »
Goodness, I stand here at 317 days of outright freedom.  My, how time has flown.  It has been a while since I have documented my progress and figure now is as good a time as any. 

Much has changed since my last update at 150.  I’ve made it thru a Christmas, a couple trips to Vegas, a lot of golf, a few funerals, beach vacation, my own Sunday School class (studying used to be a major trigger), general highs and lows.  Out of all this, dip was never a variable in my equation of life.  Don’t get me wrong, there were many times of crave, but none were ever legitimate enough to cause me to even consider falling back on my word to my brothers.  WUPP has simply become my new way of life.  Texting brothers every morning is as common to me as that first sip of coffee.  It has all become a part of the new me.  So even as I continue going through these mental withdrawal symptoms, I know I will persevere.  I have spoken before about seeing a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, but that light has become much brighter.  Not sure how long it take to get thru the tunnel, or if I ever will, but I can attest that each day has been better than the previous.  For instance on our recent beach trip, the additional time I had to catch crabs with the kids, drink coffee and chat with my wife, simply focus on happiness as opposed to my next hit, this is the way life should be ... the way God intended. 

Interestingly enough, I was texting with a quit brother today about the trails and tests Christians will endure.  And as James 1:2-4 and 1 Peter 1:3-9 states, these trials are necessary to perfect our faith leading to an imperishable and undefiled inheritance which is maintained by God.  On a much less ‘eternal’ scale, I view my quit much in this manner.  These craves and this battle’s refining me, improving and perfecting me for the reward of a more fruitful life of being a better husband, father, friend, ... etc.  So as you encounter these craves or mental fogs, don’t let them distress you.  As James would say “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, ...”(1:2).

Aumegrad 317 and its good to be quit!
Who is Aumegrad ???? ...

What were his thoughts at 100 days ???? ... [url=http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?topic=722.0]HoF


Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. (1 Corinthians 9:24)

Offline Kickin-wing

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #32 on: September 13, 2018, 05:22:00 PM »
Rereading your intro today was laughing at this:
Quote
I would hide it from my wife by frequent bathroom breaks, quick runs to the store for random crap no one needed, Â… etc.
Not only is your nic vector of choice expensive but how much money have we all wasted on these "store runs!" Glad to be quit today.
You need anything, ask.  You feel strong, help.  This quit is for you but we got your back.  -wastepanel

Introduction

Offline AppleJack

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #31 on: September 12, 2018, 12:38:00 PM »
Quote from: Aumegrad
...it a pleasure and an honor to endure this pain just for the satisfaction of knowing that I can look into your eyes and with great gladness and a smile exclaim “you have NO control over me and are as effective in my life as a rose pedal on a turd … BRING IT”.
Oh. Hell. Yes. This ^^^... THIS^^^!!

... Is one of THE most important attitude components to ANY success here!

No whining.
No looking back.
No romanticized “love lost” bullshit.

Owning ALL of the good and bad and using every damn bit of it as momentum.

Well said, sir!

Bro, there WILL come a time when your attitude will show you a freedom you didnÂ’t know was possible. Trust me. I say it allÂ’a time because the truth of it is profound: Get involved... Stay involved. It works. Ask me how I know...

AJ... Day 1,975
Well, it’s one louder, isn’t it? It’s not ten.

Offline Aumegrad

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #30 on: September 12, 2018, 10:45:00 AM »
Some general quit observations and thoughts from my quit on day 52:

-The first 3 days, a couple days during week 3, and days 49-51 I experienced the following:
oExtremely tired Â… i.e. I am in bed and sound asleep by 8:30pm
9:30-10pm typical bedtime
oReal twitchy when sleeping and occasionally wakes me
Wife notices them too when I’m sleeping and claims they are like an electrical jolt that starts at my head and works its way down my body
oWake up multiple times during these nights and sometimes hard to get back to sleep
oWake up groggy, zero desire to work out
Just force myself to do some jumping jacks, sit ups, and pushups to get blood flowing
oFeeling of “I’ll just get to work when I can today” … very much like Eeyore
oCravings and constantly convincing myself that nicotine wonÂ’t help anything
I love a good challenge and I am down for the quit, I have simply come too far, I am mentally tough and powered my way through a lot and this is nothing!
oI am very short tempered and would appreciate if the movie “Purge” was real life … just for a few minutes at a time
Snap at wife, snap at kids … gotta be very cognizant here. Acknowledge your actions and correct them quickly! We can't take our aggression out on the ones we love.

-Then all the sudden, it goes as fast as it came. Today on 52, felt like:
oWoke up rejuvenated, got a good workout in (chest and triÂ’s today)
oGot to work on time (only road raging once Â… seriously, just get the f outta the fast lane ahole)
oReady to take on the world
oThe Hulk has converted back to Bruce Banner and he is glad the movie “Purge” is not real life

It’s just interesting how all this plays out. I told my wife last night how bad the past couple days have been. Her response was “oh I can tell” and “I can’t believe it is affecting you this far along”. But it got me thinking, nicotine was more than crutch when everything hit the fan. It was always my “light at the end of the tunnel”. Not only when the day sucked but even on the good days too. No matter what I looked forward to, I always added to it “and then after that, I can get a dip”. So hypothetically, even if I had won the lottery, I would have been elated and then my immediate thought would be “oh can’t wait to get a dip now”. Nicotine was so pervasive in my life, it attached itself onto every thought I had. For emphasis, that is EVERY thought between 12 and 38 years old. I say all of this only to say, it is immeasurably foolish to assume that this could quickly and easily be corrected. It has only been 52 days of correction for a drug that controlled my brain for 26 years.

So, nicotine, I get that. I get that I will have great highs and I will have lows. I get that it will just take time to slowly erase you from my life. I get that during this time, you will taunt me, and you will try to convince me that the easy way out is just to cave. That one little dip won’t hurt anything or that one cigar to chew on while playing golf will be harmless. But please know this, my resolve is much stronger than any hold you ever had on me. Sure this will continue to suck, but I consider it a pleasure and an honor to endure this pain just for the satisfaction of knowing that I can look into your eyes and with great gladness and a smile exclaim “you have NO control over me and are as effective in my life as a rose pedal on a turd … BRING IT”.
Who is Aumegrad ???? ...

What were his thoughts at 100 days ???? ... [url=http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?topic=722.0]HoF


Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. (1 Corinthians 9:24)

Offline Aumegrad

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #29 on: September 11, 2018, 08:22:00 PM »
Sorry Doofus, I am certain you typed words of encouragement, however I simply canÂ’t get past the avatar ?

I appreciate your words of wisdom and will definitely heed them. I am in this for the long haul and will take any help offered. I am proud to quit with you as well.
Who is Aumegrad ???? ...

What were his thoughts at 100 days ???? ... [url=http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?topic=722.0]HoF


Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. (1 Corinthians 9:24)

Offline Doofus

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #28 on: September 11, 2018, 05:41:00 PM »
Lol, I'm not one to judge or deny anyone a desired pleasure....but now you can study my avatar up close.

As far as your intro, you are ahead of me, I waited until 66ish to write an intro, everything changed at that moment because it was then that I knew I was not alone, the similar stories, the dudes saying, "I did that shit too!", all the same addict behavior, repeated over and over and over. All because of a dead flavored weed. 3 tins a day of Skoal LC mint was the suicide poison that I was addicted to for 30 years but the form didnt matter honestly....a drug is a drug.

I dont post a daily journal always, life gets in the way sometimes...... but writing and communicating is part of the treatment. It helps to know that you aren't alone and life is truly ok without the dead weed. Do not be afraid to over communicate here on KTC.

If you browse my intro, you'll see a post from a vet (Dundippin) which said,

"It sounds like you have your mind made up on this quit and that is the entire battle. Once you stop the conversation in your head about whether to do one more or not, then the rest is easy."

I'll pass that wisdom along to you courtesy of Dundippin, a total stranger who lent a hand in saving my life.

.....and give you some words of my own.

Learn from others, this site is exactly what you just shared above. You will make mistakes, there will be fights and arguments, people here you dont like or agree with but the one constant is that we are all addicts. Once you strip addiction of its secrets, its lies, bring it out into the open, shine a light, study it....it withers and dies. WE may never be "cured" but WE get control back, WE take back our freedom.....post, share, give back and always learn. As complete strangers here, we can do each other an ETERNAL favor ( A KINDNESS) of providing accountability and support to be quit and save lives. I know you will be happy with the result. And be happy with this Avatar, she is here to support you:)

As always, PM me if you want to be added to my daily text roll, I post support in Rawktober with a few of your bros. Pleasure to meet you, ODAAT!

Offline Aumegrad

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #27 on: September 11, 2018, 03:47:00 PM »
I thank you all for your comments. While I would love to say writing this was completely selfless, it was quite therapeutic for me to air it all out. It's really not till one starts to pen his actions, that he can truly see how foolish he is. Seriously, how foolish were we all?!?! This has been an experience like no other and I'll be damned if I freely let others go down the same path.

Also meant to add ... I am awaiting a response from Doofus. His avatar has NOTHING to do with it 'Popcorn'
Who is Aumegrad ???? ...

What were his thoughts at 100 days ???? ... [url=http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?topic=722.0]HoF


Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. (1 Corinthians 9:24)

Offline gottadoit

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #26 on: September 11, 2018, 03:38:00 PM »
I agree with all of the other comments. Spelled out most of my ninja habits to a "T". Thanks for the reminder of how I used to be so stupid, that I couldn't see how it was harming my family so much.

Proud to be quit with you today!!
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Offline Skolvikings

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #25 on: September 11, 2018, 03:17:00 PM »
Well..... that was freaking awesome.

I hope you keep writing, these words will definitely help a new quitter, it strengthened my quit.

Great job paying it forward :)
Be humble... grow everyday.

I fear I will always be chasing the vortex like a drug. None will be as special as my first hit.

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Offline copequits

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #24 on: September 11, 2018, 02:16:00 PM »
Thanks for that! It was just the right time I needed to read something of that nature. Those are some great references to what so many of us have been through. Proud to have you as an October brother.

Offline CLEalt

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #23 on: September 11, 2018, 02:10:00 PM »
Great intro. I too was a ninja dipper. Until I saw the end I was thinking to myself, "no way he never got caught." Lol. Congrats on quitting. You'll never regret it.

Offline BBQchips

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #22 on: September 11, 2018, 02:01:00 PM »
Just read thru and wanted to say “thank you” for sharing all of that. Feel very similar to you in the “what ifs” and doubts I constantly have. That and the ninja life. Proud to QWYT.
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Offline Capital70

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Re: Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #21 on: September 11, 2018, 12:51:00 PM »
That was freaking amazing! So many parallels to my own life! Pretty sure I sent you my number once before but I am doing it again because I really like you!!!
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Offline Aumegrad

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Aumegrad Intro ... Long Overdue
« Reply #20 on: September 11, 2018, 12:29:00 PM »
I am currently 51 days quit and realized I have never posted an Intro. Here we go Â…

Hi, my name is Johnathon and I am a 38 year old Mechanical Engineer who lives and works in the lovely state of Alabama.

I have been a nicotine addict since I was 12 years old (Marlboro Lights). Initially starting with cigarettes, I later picked up dip at 15 (Skoal Wintergreen Longcut). Everyone in my family at the time used tobacco in one form or another, it was the norm. So, I continued using both through high school and college. I generally hid my dip as I was always embarrassed by it, however was forthcoming to others about smoking as I couldn’t hide it. The only people who knew I dipped were close friends and golf partners (and this held true till my quit 7 weeks ago). I met my “future” wife at 23, a nontobacco user, who knew I smoked however never complained and never asked me to quit. Coming to grips with the reality that smoking would indeed kill me someday, I decided to quit before we got married. Mind you, she never asked me too, but I realized that if I didn’t do it then, I would never quit. Once I started building habits in a new house with this new life, it would be infinitely harder for me to quit. I assumed that smoking what be more difficult to quit than dipping (ignorant). My plan was to get through all the smoking withdrawals while continuing to ninja dip, then quit dip at some point in the future. I would hide it from my wife by frequent bathroom breaks, quick runs to the store for random crap no one needed, … etc. I made a conscience decision at that point to not let my wife know I dipped because she would have one of two reactions:
A)   She would accept it and I would start dipping more routinely around her and make that many more habits that I would at some point have to break.
B)   She would not accept it and continue to nag me about. Being the spiteful person I generally am, constant nagging would not have been a good situation for our marriage.
Because of these reasons, I moved forward with my plan. I quit smoking the day before our marriage which was a terrible decision … 8 days in Hawaii with a new bride and nicotine withdrawals … stupid, but I did it. Fast forward over the next 12 years, it went by amazingly fast. We had three beautiful children who unwittingly appeared to try and “out” me daily by playing about my hidden “stash”, seemingly determined to uncover my dip cans. It’s funny to look back and see the effects of the hidden dip. I literally would choose vacation rentals based on the privacy of the master bath. Was it large enough for me to keep my luggage there so I didn’t run the risk of being caught taking cans in and out? Did it have doors I could lock to keep people out? Sadly, there were certain vacations that I simply wouldn’t even consider because I knew how hard it would be to sneak a dip. This even included not staying with my in-laws when we visited them because the house wasn’t “Ninja Dip Accessible”. Think of the affect this had on my marriage?!?! These are just a couple examples of how nicotine controlled my every thought and action.

So again, years went by and at no time did I even ponder quitting my 1-2 can/day addiction. It was a part of my life and I unknowingly just accepted that this is the way my life was intended to be. All that changed within a matter of weeks, where my blissful ignorance was transformed into fearful rage. I started experiencing what so many of us have before, jaw pain and mouth sores. While I wasn’t overly concerned, I began to realize that if I continued dipping, those pains could at some point turn out to be the big C. Then, how would I explain to my kids that because of my selfishness, I will not be able to be there for them to help guide them in life. Because I chose an easy way out, unable to better manage the stress in my life, they could be fatherless? Because I was blindly going through life, refusing to face reality, they may at some point call another man “dad” … and what if he is a terrible person? I know all this sounds emotional and a bit dramatic, but these thoughts instantly filled my mind and enraged me. These thoughts could become reality if chose to continue to dip. These thoughts then began an avalanche of thoughts as a curtain being drawn back, revealing the ugly truth nicotine has been hiding from me. If I am a MAN, why in the hell am I sneaking around my house and keeping secrets from the people I love? What do I want in life, what is my end goal? Do I want to be the honest, attentive husband my wife deserves? Do I want to be the devoted, loving father my kids deserve? The answer to all of these is YES. So, the next logical question, how do I make this happen? While the answer seems straight forward now, I still had a hard time seeing clearly through the nicotine fog. Until one day I was preparing a Sunday School lesson for the book of Colossians. In preparation of this lesson, I was studying various points including idolatry. It was at this point, it hit me like a ton of bricks … nicotine was my idol. It was no longer a harmless habit that could potentially influence my worldly life, this was an unconfessed sin that has a very real and negative impact on my eternal life! It was literally within 24 hrs that I found the KTC website, realized what needed to be done and within only a few days of facing all the items outlined above … on July 23, 2018 I quit … I quit being a slave … I eliminated an idol in my life that I placed before God, my family, my friends, my life … I quit telling the convenience store clerk “no no, I said LONG cut” … I quit worrying about how many cans of dip I had stashed in my sports coats and how many more I could transport … I quit having my kids look for me when I disappear for 20 minutes … I quit ensuring ALL dip cans and spitters were removed from my laptop bag before important meetings or teaching Sunday School … I quit vacuuming all the loose dip grains in my car seat and floorboard … I quit letting a dead plant dictate where we vacationed … I quit worrying every time a sore arose in my mouth … I quit letting everyone think I had IBS because I went to the bathroom so often … I quit hiding cans of dip in my sock and worrying someone would see its outline in my pants … I quit being controlled by a drug that has no true redeeming qualities … I quit … I quit … I QUIT!!

I had my last dip at 6:30am on the July 23rd. While at work on the same day, I wrote my wife a letter explaining much of what I wrote above. I knew I would mess it up if I tried to verbalize 12 years of lies. I was tired of it, I needed to come clean and I needed her support. On the way home, I spent ~$100 on gum, seeds (pumpkin and sunflower), beef jerky (sticks and chew), various Smokey Mountain cans, mints, hard candy, … you get the picture. Got home, hugged the kids, took my wife outside and told her to read the note. First sentence in, she looked up and said “I knew you dipped”. What the hell, I thought I was stealthy?!?!? You can’t hide it gentlemen! I encouraged her to keep reading. She stood up, hugged me, and has been in my court ever since.

Frankly, the quit hasnÂ’t been as bad as I had made it out to be in my head. DonÂ’t get me wrong, it hasnÂ’t been fun either. In fact, Oliver posted several weeks ago about the woes of ~ day 50 and he was right. Days 48-50 have been as bad as Days 1-3 for me, no joke. But I know it will get better and frankly, my craves just piss me off more and makes me want to skull drag nicotine! It strengthens my quit Â… and helps me direct my anger towards it rather than loved ones.

I know this is long and drawn out, however before I found this website, I thought I was unique. I thought I was the only one that faced these sometimes silly and often serious issues. However, because many of those before me took the time to outline their experiences and the positive affect they had on me, I write this in hopes that it helps someone out there who may have a similar story but still holding to the nicotine. You are not alone, you are not special, and your life isnÂ’t any harder than anyone elseÂ’s. If I/we can quit, you can too Â… just QUIT. You are not here by accident, QUIT. It is one thing in life that you wonÂ’t regret!

I will also note, writing this is helping me through a crave ?

Thanks for reading,
Johnathon Â… LetÂ’s Go Rawkstars!
Who is Aumegrad ???? ...

What were his thoughts at 100 days ???? ... [url=http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?topic=722.0]HoF


Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. (1 Corinthians 9:24)

Offline Aumegrad

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Re: Aumegrad Intro
« Reply #19 on: December 19, 2018, 12:54:14 PM »
Today marks my 150th day of being nicotine free.  It has been an interesting ride, a ride I wouldn’t change for anything.  Where every bump, every bruise, every scar reminds of my battle I won to overcome this addition and further solidifies that I will never go back to that way of life!

An unexpected win … I used to eat Tums (like it was candy) to combat acid reflux and general indigestion issues.  No exaggeration, I stored had a large bottle in my office desk, car, backpack, and home.  Well, 150 days into my quit, I have taken no Tums, ZERO.  I have had no reflux or ingestion issues since my quit, that amazes me.  It was literally all Skoal’s fault.  Though not significant dollars, I still add that to the financial savings aspect of my quit.  Speaking of which, anyone need some Tums?  I think I have the market cornered and can put you on some cheap 😊

Though seemingly ramped up the past couple weeks, my craves have begun to wane again.  Utilizing the tools on this website have helped me to overcome them with relative ease.  Knowing that many before me have made it thru, many are going thru it with me, and many will be going thru the same issues in the future, all helps me to reaffirm my commitment.  Thanks again to my KTC family!

And this brings me to a general observation and comment.  I, like every other initial lost soul here, came to this site out of my own volition.  I chose to sign up and I chose to become part of this community, no one forced me.  By such, I feel it is incumbent upon me to follow the general rules and aid others where I see fit.  This is both out of respect for my brothers and sisters in quit AND because of the “secret sauce” KTC provides to help me stay quit.   With this said, once I signed up, I attacked my quit as the verse in my signature implies (1Cor 9:24).  I chose to treat my quit as Paul states I should strive for holiness, with perseverance, endurance, and with everything I have!  While I could have chosen to stop or “kind of quit", I instead chose to have a forever quit and made it a conscientious decision to quit every second from there on out.  Part of this was an emphasis to WUPP EVERY DAY … no crying, no complaining, just doing my part.  I state all this only to say that we are all grown adults on this site, we chose to be a part of it, and by such we reap a significant reward.  While I understand “life happens” and there are times when you may need a pickup, it should not be someone else’s responsibility to continually hunt you down and remind you to post roll.  I will take this time to give a shout out to all those that track and monitor rolls.  You are all better men/women than I.  Back to the task at hand … At the end of the day, I can with significant confidence state that we all have busy lives with kids, spouses, family, chores, travel, work, other commitments, … etc.  Yet, the vast majority on this site find a way to juggle all this AND still post their commitment EVERY morning without any nudging from others.  If you find yourself outside this majority, I simply ask you to ponder this question: How do you think they manage this feat?   
Who is Aumegrad ???? ...

What were his thoughts at 100 days ???? ... [url=http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?topic=722.0]HoF


Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. (1 Corinthians 9:24)