KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: jaydisco on May 08, 2009, 03:37:00 AM
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I'm 33, got a wife and 2 kids (boy 9, girl 8) and have dipped Kodiak for the last 15 years. I found you guys after my first day not stuffing that dogshit in my face. I was having trouble sleeping, much like tonight, and was fighting the urge to drive to the Hess...I am grateful I found this place.
I am onto Day 6 (Friday) and I feel like the past week has been a blur. Haven't got shit done at work, I have been eating for 2, and I ran a redlight yesterday - one with the traffic camera that snaps a pic of your plate - the first time in the two years I've been driving that route to work, and fuck if I noticed it. I am giving myself some leeway on things like "giving a fuck" for the next few days, then I have to get my self together.
The first day for me was tough because I was drinking - not the best move on my part, but I think I might have numbed the cravings at least until late-night. Fucking demons came at me from all sides. That's when I started googling oral cancer and fun shit like that to scare myself straight - low and behold I stumbled on this site.
Second day was surreal. I was up at 6:45, even though I was drinking the night before and didn't get to bed until well after 2, I snapped right up and into the shower. I was flying! for the next 48 hours, I experienced the "fog" as it's been described to me. I couldn't tell you what was happening from hour to hour, I found myself walking away from conversations with no idea what I was talking about, and had this "elevated feeling." Kind of an anxiety, without the fear of impending doom. Chewed almost 30 sticks of gum between day 2 and 3 - anyone know why they started putting mint gelatin specks in gum now? Was there a big demand from the tapioca crowd? I digress.
Day 4, I slowed my roll. Took a part day at the office to handle some personal things and ended up spending the afternoon with my wife - pretty mellow, but still couldn't shut the fuck up. I think it's nervous chatter, because I really don't have that much to say. I jammed down 2 pieces of pineapple cake on top of lasagna, and was back at the cupboard 3-4 more times before bed. Finally got some decent shut-eye, and then woke up to Day 5.
Day 5 (Thursday) - Still hasn't ended for me and it's 3:28am Friday. Today was pretty ok - weird fleeting sensations of needing to spit. I am sure it's because my mouth had been a barren wasteland for so long, and now I can actually muster saliva. I spent 2 hours this afternoon reading the forums here, and not getting a hell of a lot done. I will have to go in to the office this weekend to catchup - Happy Mother's Day.
Day 6 - like I said day 5 carried me right into day 6. I feel like I can collapse now so I 'll wrap this up. I am going to be dangerous on the road to work in 3 and a half hours. Probably going to run that fucking redlight again.
Thanks for all of the support
Stay Sexy, Stay Quit
Justin
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Sounds like you are right on track. It gets better.
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... because I was drinking - not the best move on my part, but I think I might have numbed the cravings at least until late-night. ...
Welcome brother!
I am still keeping Wrigley's in business, and I have 213 days of quit! I didn't chew gum my whole life until quitting Cope.
Sounds like you have a good start on your quit. You didn't mention your specific reasons for quitting (we know most of them), but sometimes it is good to write them down or tell folks. The clearer you are about the reasons behind your decision to quit, the easier it will be to stay the fuck quit when life throws you a curve ball.
I quoted one thing you said that I would caution you about. Be very very careful with alcohol during the first month or two. Avoid it if you can, or at least be around someone who will keep you accountable.
Post roll in your quit group early, keep your roll call promise to stay quit for the day, and come back the next morning to do the same. While you're at it, tell folks how you're doing in the forum and in chat.
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Pineapple cake and lasagna....mmmmmmmmmmm
Congratulations!!! Don't worry about being unproductive at work or spending too much time here - we're talking about saving your life aren't we???? Use the website to help your quit and to keep you quit. Post roll and take it seriously, this is huge!!!
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Now their just messing with me. Day 9 has been good - easier then prior 8, but I was listing some extra printer ink I had on craigslist, and one of the "security" words that you have to type in to prove your not a robot was, get this, fucking: nicotine
Sometimes I feel like this is the Truman Show, and the rest of the world is watching, laughing at my plight!!!
On a lighter note, Smokey posted a great shot of Jessica Simpsons Rack in the August Thread. Doesn't take much to make me happy....
Quittin' is as Quittin Does
'disco
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Now their just messing with me. Day 9 has been good - easier then prior 8, but I was listing some extra printer ink I had on craigslist, and one of the "security" words that you have to type in to prove your not a robot was, get this, fucking: nicotine
Sometimes I feel like this is the Truman Show, and the rest of the world is watching, laughing at my plight!!!
On a lighter note, Smokey posted a great shot of Jessica Simpsons Rack in the August Thread. Doesn't take much to make me happy....
Quittin' is as Quittin Does
'disco
Are you serious...talk about a mind fuck
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Day 4, I slowed my roll. Took a part day at the office to handle some personal things and ended up spending the afternoon with my wife - pretty mellow, but still couldn't shut the fuck up.
My wife is the same way, Justin. Mellow, but blah blah blah all the time.
;)
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But seriously: The fog will lift very soon. Took mine a couple weeks to disappear completely. The challenge of the quit, however, will not disappear. You're going to need to WANT this quit every day. Do you want it?
"Stay Sexy"?
I would normally be very compelled by that signoff, but your moniker is, after all, Jay Disco.
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Now their just messing with me. Day 9 has been good - easier then prior 8, but I was listing some extra printer ink I had on craigslist, and one of the "security" words that you have to type in to prove your not a robot was, get this, fucking: nicotine
Sometimes I feel like this is the Truman Show, and the rest of the world is watching, laughing at my plight!!!
On a lighter note, Smokey posted a great shot of Jessica Simpsons Rack in the August Thread. Doesn't take much to make me happy....
Quittin' is as Quittin Does
'disco
Are you serious...talk about a mind fuck
yeah, something wrong with that if you ask me.
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But seriously: The fog will lift very soon. Took mine a couple weeks to disappear completely. The challenge of the quit, however, will not disappear. You're going to need to WANT this quit every day. Do you want it?
"Stay Sexy"?
I would normally be very compelled by that signoff, but your moniker is, after all, Jay Disco.
I have been feeling better the last day or two. Not on my A game, but you know when you drink past the buzz and you have that moment of clarity? Kind of like that.
I was glad to read that you were fat in one of your other posts - I'm already just over 2 bills and 2" shorter then you*. What am I looking at, another 10-15lbs? Nice, just toss that on there with the rest, I'll just go pick me up some elastic waist slacks until I can boot the oreos.
*the above comment refers to height only. this in no way is meant to refer to other standards of measurement (notice I didn't use the phase units of measurement)*
'disco
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Hey Justin, glad have you as a quit brother. And thanks for the support.
Scott
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1. Justin and Scott: Your quits are starting to look real good. Don't let me down.
2. Justin: I can't say how much weight you stand to gain. It's a simple equation...calories taken in versus calories burned. As for me, I've simply been taking in a lot more calories because food makes me feel better/my quit easier. But I think my next move is to lose 15. Then kill a prostitute.
Oh, and I appreciate the "shorter" propriety. But let it be known that my johnson is 18.5 mm, erect.
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But seriously: The fog will lift very soon. Took mine a couple weeks to disappear completely. The challenge of the quit, however, will not disappear. You're going to need to WANT this quit every day. Do you want it?
"Stay Sexy"?
I would normally be very compelled by that signoff, but your moniker is, after all, Jay Disco.
I have been feeling better the last day or two. Not on my A game, but you know when you drink past the buzz and you have that moment of clarity? Kind of like that.
I was glad to read that you were fat in one of your other posts - I'm already just over 2 bills and 2" shorter then you*. What am I looking at, another 10-15lbs? Nice, just toss that on there with the rest, I'll just go pick me up some elastic waist slacks until I can boot the oreos.
*the above comment refers to height only. this in no way is meant to refer to other standards of measurement (notice I didn't use the phase units of measurement)*
'disco
Yo Jay, your screename is gay. But I love your quit. You are taking this on head on, I love it.
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But seriously: The fog will lift very soon. Took mine a couple weeks to disappear completely. The challenge of the quit, however, will not disappear. You're going to need to WANT this quit every day. Do you want it?
"Stay Sexy"?
I would normally be very compelled by that signoff, but your moniker is, after all, Jay Disco.
I have been feeling better the last day or two. Not on my A game, but you know when you drink past the buzz and you have that moment of clarity? Kind of like that.
I was glad to read that you were fat in one of your other posts - I'm already just over 2 bills and 2" shorter then you*. What am I looking at, another 10-15lbs? Nice, just toss that on there with the rest, I'll just go pick me up some elastic waist slacks until I can boot the oreos.
*the above comment refers to height only. this in no way is meant to refer to other standards of measurement (notice I didn't use the phase units of measurement)*
'disco
Yo Jay, your screename is gay. But I love your quit. You are taking this on head on, I love it.
Say my name FTK - I love the dirty talk. Only thing gay in this tread is the guy with bear dick in his mouth - which ain't no one!
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But seriously: The fog will lift very soon. Took mine a couple weeks to disappear completely. The challenge of the quit, however, will not disappear. You're going to need to WANT this quit every day. Do you want it?
"Stay Sexy"?
I would normally be very compelled by that signoff, but your moniker is, after all, Jay Disco.
I have been feeling better the last day or two. Not on my A game, but you know when you drink past the buzz and you have that moment of clarity? Kind of like that.
I was glad to read that you were fat in one of your other posts - I'm already just over 2 bills and 2" shorter then you*. What am I looking at, another 10-15lbs? Nice, just toss that on there with the rest, I'll just go pick me up some elastic waist slacks until I can boot the oreos.
*the above comment refers to height only. this in no way is meant to refer to other standards of measurement (notice I didn't use the phase units of measurement)*
'disco
Yo Jay, your screename is gay. But I love your quit. You are taking this on head on, I love it.
Say my name FTK - I love the dirty talk. Only thing gay in this tread is the guy with bear dick in his mouth - which ain't no one!
Yeah biatch, that's what I'm talkin' about, son! 'dance'
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But seriously: The fog will lift very soon. Took mine a couple weeks to disappear completely. The challenge of the quit, however, will not disappear. You're going to need to WANT this quit every day. Do you want it?
"Stay Sexy"?
I would normally be very compelled by that signoff, but your moniker is, after all, Jay Disco.
I have been feeling better the last day or two. Not on my A game, but you know when you drink past the buzz and you have that moment of clarity? Kind of like that.
I was glad to read that you were fat in one of your other posts - I'm already just over 2 bills and 2" shorter then you*. What am I looking at, another 10-15lbs? Nice, just toss that on there with the rest, I'll just go pick me up some elastic waist slacks until I can boot the oreos.
*the above comment refers to height only. this in no way is meant to refer to other standards of measurement (notice I didn't use the phase units of measurement)*
'disco
Yo Jay, your screename is gay. But I love your quit. You are taking this on head on, I love it.
Say my name FTK - I love the dirty talk. Only thing gay in this tread is the guy with bear dick in his mouth - which ain't no one!
Yeah biatch, that's what I'm talkin' about, son! 'dance'
ah ah ah ah fuckin tha nic, fuckin tha nic
ah ah ah ah fuckin tha niiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiccccc
bodumbumpbodabombo..............
'dance'
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17 Days (I think). I need to keep checking LAQuitter's count b/c ours is the same.
I am in a good place right now. I have kept the blow-ups with the wife to a minimum, and have steered clear of the kids when I feel "that guy" taking over - fucking cats each have a pair of my size 10 1/2's up their ass almost daily though. Kidding, I love pussy.
I am still in a funk though. Not "foggy" , but just feel disconnected. I've kept mr. booze at bay, which was tough because the 2nd annual mustache pub crawl was last saturday, and I actually grew some pretty mean peach fuzz...
Any of you rocket surgeons have any suggestions for what I could do to off-set this malaise? I'm talking like vitamins, or foods that are rich in x,y, and z to give me a boost? I am going easy with the caffeine because that's going to be my next quit, but maybe nows not the time.
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First of all, I am a brain scientist; not a rocket surgeon.
Secondly: I wish I could give you the recipe for vanquishing the funk. I wish someone could give it to ME. Fact is, we're fucked. Not irrevocably, but temporarily. We are addicts, we have been abusing ourselves, and now we need to set another course. Once the ship straightens, we'll be A-OK.
In the meantime, all I try to do is stay busy. That's how I combat the funk, emptiness, senselessness, aggravation. I also chew gum, eat Blow Pops, dip fake snuff and drink decaf tea.
I want you to envision better days, Justin. Because if you stay quit, they're coming.
If you cave, you really ARE fucked. And a dick. If you cave, you're a dick.
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First of all, I am a brain scientist; not a rocket surgeon.
Secondly: I wish I could give you the recipe for vanquishing the funk. I wish someone could give it to ME. Fact is, we're fucked. Not irrevocably, but temporarily. We are addicts, we have been abusing ourselves, and now we need to set another course. Once the ship straightens, we'll be A-OK.
In the meantime, all I try to do is stay busy. That's how I combat the funk, emptiness, senselessness, aggravation. I also chew gum, eat Blow Pops, dip fake snuff and drink decaf tea.
I want you to envision better days, Justin. Because if you stay quit, they're coming.
If you cave, you really ARE fucked. And a dick. If you cave, you're a dick.
Thanks for the encouragement.
I am straight on the fake stuff, just doesn't appeal to me. Come to think of it I don't think I want to blow pops either - as much as he might be into the idea ;)
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First of all, I am a brain scientist; not a rocket surgeon.
Dean, thank you, I needed a good laugh. That, my friend, is funny shit.
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17 Days (I think). I need to keep checking LAQuitter's count b/c ours is the same.
I am in a good place right now. I have kept the blow-ups with the wife to a minimum, and have steered clear of the kids when I feel "that guy" taking over - fucking cats each have a pair of my size 10 1/2's up their ass almost daily though. Kidding, I love pussy.
I am still in a funk though. Not "foggy" , but just feel disconnected. I've kept mr. booze at bay, which was tough because the 2nd annual mustache pub crawl was last saturday, and I actually grew some pretty mean peach fuzz...
Any of you rocket surgeons have any suggestions for what I could do to off-set this malaise? I'm talking like vitamins, or foods that are rich in x,y, and z to give me a boost? I am going easy with the caffeine because that's going to be my next quit, but maybe nows not the time.
Here's one for you....Almonds and raisins with a hint of chocolate chips. I know, you're thinking "who's this fucking guy think he is, Rachel Ray"?
Read about it in Men's health....once I quit I needed something to act as an outlet for me. The ol' lady isn't quit into marathons in the sack lately so I started rowing, biking, running and lifting. Seems to work but the machine needs some fuel....enter almonds, raisins and choc chips.
Maybe I can convince my wife to let me play with the kitty a little more now that I'm quit!
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17 Days (I think). I need to keep checking LAQuitter's count b/c ours is the same.
I am in a good place right now. I have kept the blow-ups with the wife to a minimum, and have steered clear of the kids when I feel "that guy" taking over - fucking cats each have a pair of my size 10 1/2's up their ass almost daily though. Kidding, I love pussy.
I am still in a funk though. Not "foggy" , but just feel disconnected. I've kept mr. booze at bay, which was tough because the 2nd annual mustache pub crawl was last saturday, and I actually grew some pretty mean peach fuzz...
Any of you rocket surgeons have any suggestions for what I could do to off-set this malaise? I'm talking like vitamins, or foods that are rich in x,y, and z to give me a boost? I am going easy with the caffeine because that's going to be my next quit, but maybe nows not the time.
Here's one for you....Almonds and raisins with a hint of chocolate chips. I know, you're thinking "who's this fucking guy think he is, Rachel Ray"?
Read about it in Men's health....once I quit I needed something to act as an outlet for me. The ol' lady isn't quit into marathons in the sack lately so I started rowing, biking, running and lifting. Seems to work but the machine needs some fuel....enter almonds, raisins and choc chips.
Maybe I can convince my wife to let me play with the kitty a little more now that I'm quit!
Thanks Rache...I mean Stretch! I'll p/u some tonight. Maybe a thread on good nutrition wouldn't be a bad idea - we are all making drastic changes to our lifestyle and that transition could be made a lot better by making smart food choices.
I know the basics like a quart of ice cream to chase a row of oreos is not a "healthy snack", but compiling a list of energy foods and smart meal ideas would be helpful.
I feel like Steve Martin in the Jerk - I FOUND MY SPECIAL PURPOSE!!
____________________________________________________________________
COPY AND PASTE THIS LIST WITH YOUR SNACK/ MEAL IDEAS AND REPOST
HEALTHY SNACKS:
1. Almonds/Raisins/Few Chocolate Chips - Submitted by Stretch
MEAL IDEAS:
1.
____________________________________________________________________
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17 Days (I think). I need to keep checking LAQuitter's count b/c ours is the same.
I am in a good place right now. I have kept the blow-ups with the wife to a minimum, and have steered clear of the kids when I feel "that guy" taking over - fucking cats each have a pair of my size 10 1/2's up their ass almost daily though. Kidding, I love pussy.
I am still in a funk though. Not "foggy" , but just feel disconnected. I've kept mr. booze at bay, which was tough because the 2nd annual mustache pub crawl was last saturday, and I actually grew some pretty mean peach fuzz...
Any of you rocket surgeons have any suggestions for what I could do to off-set this malaise? I'm talking like vitamins, or foods that are rich in x,y, and z to give me a boost? I am going easy with the caffeine because that's going to be my next quit, but maybe nows not the time.
Here's one for you....Almonds and raisins with a hint of chocolate chips. I know, you're thinking "who's this fucking guy think he is, Rachel Ray"?
Read about it in Men's health....once I quit I needed something to act as an outlet for me. The ol' lady isn't quit into marathons in the sack lately so I started rowing, biking, running and lifting. Seems to work but the machine needs some fuel....enter almonds, raisins and choc chips.
Maybe I can convince my wife to let me play with the kitty a little more now that I'm quit!
Thanks Rache...I mean Stretch! I'll p/u some tonight. Maybe a thread on good nutrition wouldn't be a bad idea - we are all making drastic changes to our lifestyle and that transition could be made a lot better by making smart food choices.
I know the basics like a quart of ice cream to chase a row of oreos is not a "healthy snack", but compiling a list of energy foods and smart meal ideas would be helpful.
I feel like Steve Martin in the Jerk - I FOUND MY SPECIAL PURPOSE!!
____________________________________________________________________
COPY AND PASTE THIS LIST WITH YOUR SNACK/ MEAL IDEAS AND REPOST
HEALTHY SNACKS:
1. Almonds/Raisins/Few Chocolate Chips - Submitted by Stretch
MEAL IDEAS:
1.
____________________________________________________________________
Excercise. Alot. Then more. It gives your brain the missing chemicals. I'm not saying Stretchel's advice is shit, but that you might be looking for x, y, and z where sweat is the answer. Stretch's success might well result from the bigger holistic picture. My 2c - working for me.
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Excercise. Alot. Then more. It gives your brain the missing chemicals. I'm not saying Stretchel's advice is shit, but that you might be looking for x, y, and z where sweat is the answer. Stretch's success might well result from the bigger holistic picture. My 2c - working for me.
Good advice. I have been so consumed by work and such that I haven't been active. I feel like the mr. potato head character in toy story when he goes to pieces. I know what the pieces are, I just need to put them back together right.
I spent a year building our house and put aside my workouts b/c I was keeping in shape just by the hours I spent laboring. But that project is done, and I haven't got back to a routine that includes regular activity. I'm setting the alarm 45 min earlier tomorrow morning to workout before the office.
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Excercise. Alot. Then more. It gives your brain the missing chemicals. I'm not saying Stretchel's advice is shit, but that you might be looking for x, y, and z where sweat is the answer. Stretch's success might well result from the bigger holistic picture. My 2c - working for me.
Good advice. I have been so consumed by work and such that I haven't been active. I feel like the mr. potato head character in toy story when he goes to pieces. I know what the pieces are, I just need to put them back together right.
I spent a year building our house and put aside my workouts b/c I was keeping in shape just by the hours I spent laboring. But that project is done, and I haven't got back to a routine that includes regular activity. I'm setting the alarm 45 min earlier tomorrow morning to workout before the office.
Did you make morning workout?
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Did you make morning workout? [/QUOTE]
For today - going to take some discipline to get back into a routine though.
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Did you make morning workout?
For today - going to take some discipline to get back into a routine though. [/QUOTE]
the before workouts are tough....luckly the gym is right next to my work so i just cruise over there during lunch.
hell by then i am LOOKING for a reason to get out of the office. Good luck
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Did you make morning workout?
For today - going to take some discipline to get back into a routine though. [/QUOTE]
It took me some time to get back into it. I actually started before I quit. The most fucked up thing about it is I noticed my stamina went through the roof once I quit. I was a rower in college and dipped....I wonder how much faster my boat would have been had I not been using this shit.
Now if I could just manage to carry over that stamina in the sack.......
Good luck with the workouts. They help believe me!
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Did you make morning workout?
For today - going to take some discipline to get back into a routine though.
It took me some time to get back into it. I actually started before I quit. The most fucked up thing about it is I noticed my stamina went through the roof once I quit. I was a rower in college and dipped....I wonder how much faster my boat would have been had I not been using this shit.
Now if I could just manage to carry over that stamina in the sack.......
Good luck with the workouts. They help believe me! [/QUOTE]
Funny you mention stamina. I was kickboxing for a couple of years and always seemed gassed before my sparring partners - wonder if dip-induced oxygen deprevation had anything to do with it?
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Thursday 1:56am Eastern Standard Time - I cannot find my pillow. I try, but it is just not happening. Slept great for a couple of days, now staring a the screen. FUCK ME the fucking heat just kicked on!!! Goddam June and she turned the boiler back on. FAAAACCCCCKKKK!!! When will the understand the the boiler has to continually maintain hot water even if the thermo isn't calling for heat!?!?!? This is the girl who busts my shit for leaving the bathroom fan on after I take a growler!!!! That's fucking courtesy!!! You flipping the boiler on IN MOTHER SLUTTING JUNE is pure AAAAHHHRRGGGHH !!!
That's it, I'm going upstairs and smearing bengay on her nipples. Any wagers on how long until she wakes up?
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How long did it take her to wake up, and did she de-nut you?
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Goddamn funny. But I believe you were holding back, Justin. I'd bet you were thinking that, if you DID find your pillow, you would have snuffed her out with it.
I have thought about killing my wife dozens of times since I quit.
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How long did it take her to wake up, and did she de-nut you?
we were out of bengay, so I went with peanut butter - got me an early breakfast
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Goddamn funny. But I believe you were holding back, Justin. I'd bet you were thinking that, if you DID find your pillow, you would have snuffed her out with it.
I have thought about killing my wife dozens of times since I quit.
Dean - your projecting again.
And for the record I knew where my pillow was - I just prefer ligatures.
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I park my car a couple of blocks outside of downtown Providence, and walk about 10 minutes to my office everyday. I pass about 5 different tags from the same douche and decided to snap one w/ my cellphone. This is on the side of a RISD (Rhode Island School of Design) building and has been there since christmas at least. If I run across this kid he's not going to need hands to carry his spray cans anymore.
http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu59 ... /chew1.jpg (http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu59/jaydisco/chew1.jpg)
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I park my car a couple of blocks outside of downtown Providence, and walk about 10 minutes to my office everyday. I pass about 5 different tags from the same douche and decided to snap one w/ my cellphone. This is on the side of a RISD (Rhode Island School of Design) building and has been there since christmas at least. If I run across this kid he's not going to need hands to carry his spray cans anymore.
http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu59 ... /chew1.jpg (http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu59/jaydisco/chew1.jpg)
Fucking punk. He is trying to temp you.
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First Month Reflection:
This is not easy stuff my friends, not easy stuff. I am so grateful to have found this site and the people who have given of themselves to help me through one of the more difficult times in my life. I have seen my share of shit - got some stories for you for sure - and I have always come out the other side better for the experience. Quitting Kodiak, more so being addicted to nicotine for so long has me completely floored. Get this, until my third day quit, I didn't even know I was addicted...for real. I had quit before which proved I wasn't addicted - and went back to it only because I "wanted to."
I can say that for at least the last 5 years, I have not enjoyed 99% of the lips I had and it probably goes back even further than that. I would always always think "what the fuck am I doing this for?" as I was packing my tin, or settling in for a ritual marathon chew. It was that voice. That tiny little melodic voice, hiding deep within my psyche that softly whispered to me and reassured me that the nicotine would make me feel better - would protect me from the stresses of the world, would keep me warm, and make me tough as nails so that I could steamroll whatever stood in my way.
My third day quit was pure hell. I was able to slough off the first two foggy days because they were preceded by drinking days, so I was just hung over in my own mind - but day 3? I was Wile E. Coyote and there were pianos and anvils hung from the sky like tinsel from a Christmas tree. I was Pitfall Harry, and the world was a gator swamp. I was delirious from a lack of sleep, and a general feeling of uneasiness and it effected me greatly. This began a roller coaster of of feelings that I have not been dealing well with.
Over my short 33 years on this earth I have learned to manage anger, anxiety has been a constant companion - even depression and I have shared a bed from time to time. What I am struggling with now eclipses these other emotions and feelings - I have become indifferent. I am finding myself more disconnected and withdrawn as the days pass. I don't know what I am displaying to my family and friends, but it scares me. It scares me because I should be anxious. I should be fearful and angry and all of those other things because things are not good right now. I have obligations that I am having trouble meeting. I am missing deadlines - I think my homeowners insurance policy may have lapsed this weekend, but as I type this, I don't care enough about it to find out for sure right now. I don't know where this is headed, but it has been the predominant theme this past month.
Now tomorrow I will wake up, shit shower and shave, kiss my kids off to school, try to negotiate a piece of morning-ass from my wife, and then call the insurance co. and straighten my shit out. I will then post roll and renew my daily vow to myself to stay quit. In other words, business as usual. But lurking in the back of my mind is that demon of nothingness that is taking over - that knowledge that I have the ability to do nothing and be content. The "i don't give a shit" not because I am pissed but the "i don't give a shit" because frankly "i don't give a shit" mentality.
Is this the new me? Have I changed at all? It is just that since dropping the nic, my real feelings are shining through, and because they are in such sharp contrast to the way I had been feeling the last 15-18 years that it seems like a drastic change to me?
Justin
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First Month Reflection:
This is not easy stuff my friends, not easy stuff. I am so grateful to have found this site and the people who have given of themselves to help me through one of the more difficult times in my life. I have seen my share of shit - got some stories for you for sure - and I have always come out the other side better for the experience. Quitting Kodiak, more so being addicted to nicotine for so long has me completely floored. Get this, until my third day quit, I didn't even know I was addicted...for real. I had quit before which proved I wasn't addicted - and went back to it only because I "wanted to."
I can say that for at least the last 5 years, I have not enjoyed 99% of the lips I had and it probably goes back even further than that. I would always always think "what the fuck am I doing this for?" as I was packing my tin, or settling in for a ritual marathon chew. It was that voice. That tiny little melodic voice, hiding deep within my psyche that softly whispered to me and reassured me that the nicotine would make me feel better - would protect me from the stresses of the world, would keep me warm, and make me tough as nails so that I could steamroll whatever stood in my way.
My third day quit was pure hell. I was able to slough off the first two foggy days because they were preceded by drinking days, so I was just hung over in my own mind - but day 3? I was Wile E. Coyote and there were pianos and anvils hung from the sky like tinsel from a Christmas tree. I was Pitfall Harry, and the world was a gator swamp. I was delirious from a lack of sleep, and a general feeling of uneasiness and it effected me greatly. This began a roller coaster of of feelings that I have not been dealing well with.
Over my short 33 years on this earth I have learned to manage anger, anxiety has been a constant companion - even depression and I have shared a bed from time to time. What I am struggling with now eclipses these other emotions and feelings - I have become indifferent. I am finding myself more disconnected and withdrawn as the days pass. I don't know what I am displaying to my family and friends, but it scares me. It scares me because I should be anxious. I should be fearful and angry and all of those other things because things are not good right now. I have obligations that I am having trouble meeting. I am missing deadlines - I think my homeowners insurance policy may have lapsed this weekend, but as I type this, I don't care enough about it to find out for sure right now. I don't know where this is headed, but it has been the predominant theme this past month.
Now tomorrow I will wake up, shit shower and shave, kiss my kids off to school, try to negotiate a piece of morning-ass from my wife, and then call the insurance co. and straighten my shit out. I will then post roll and renew my daily vow to myself to stay quit. In other words, business as usual. But lurking in the back of my mind is that demon of nothingness that is taking over - that knowledge that I have the ability to do nothing and be content. The "i don't give a shit" not because I am pissed but the "i don't give a shit" because frankly "i don't give a shit" mentality.
Is this the new me? Have I changed at all? It is just that since dropping the nic, my real feelings are shining through, and because they are in such sharp contrast to the way I had been feeling the last 15-18 years that it seems like a drastic change to me?
Justin
Justin you have been in the fight of your life, for your life, for the past 32 days. It has been a constant battle and you have had no breaks or rest periods for 32 days. You can't just call timeout and take a nap, hell no you have been in a 24/7 battle for over a month. You should be tired, it's normal to have the I don't give a shit attitude, all of your energy has gone into battling the nic bitch daily. Take heart though, I can promise you it will get better!!!! I am at day 187 and I still have days like you described, the only difference is they don't scare me anymore, because I know I can overcome. I was never truly convinced that nicotene was actually a drug, even when I posted day 1, I still felt like it was only a habit that I had to break and not an addiction. The truth is, it is one of the most dangerous drugs out there and it's accessable!!!! We have used this shit year after year, after year, of course it has altered our minds, bodies, and personalities. Hang in there and just concentrate on putting days between you and the nic bitch, that's the most important thing, the rest will eventually take care of itself!!!!!!!
Also read this link to 7irons HOF speech it has some great information about all stages of the quit. For you especially read the section regarding those in their second month. It will explain what you are going through better than I can.
index.php?showtopic=53 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=53)
PM me if you need help, numbers, etc.....
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I park my car a couple of blocks outside of downtown Providence, and walk about 10 minutes to my office everyday. I pass about 5 different tags from the same douche and decided to snap one w/ my cellphone. This is on the side of a RISD (Rhode Island School of Design) building and has been there since christmas at least. If I run across this kid he's not going to need hands to carry his spray cans anymore.
http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu59 ... /chew1.jpg (http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu59/jaydisco/chew1.jpg)
im on my way from connecticut to snap this fuckers neck........
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I park my car a couple of blocks outside of downtown Providence, and walk about 10 minutes to my office everyday. I pass about 5 different tags from the same douche and decided to snap one w/ my cellphone. This is on the side of a RISD (Rhode Island School of Design) building and has been there since christmas at least. If I run across this kid he's not going to need hands to carry his spray cans anymore.
http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu59 ... /chew1.jpg (http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu59/jaydisco/chew1.jpg)
im on my way from connecticut to snap this fuckers neck........
Some fuckers got a couple of school buses and our Equipment Trailers we keep in the Middle School's Parking Lot. Mother fuckers.
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... because I was drinking - not the best move on my part, but I think I might have numbed the cravings at least until late-night. ...
Welcome brother!
I am still keeping Wrigley's in business, and I have 213 days of quit! I didn't chew gum my whole life until quitting Cope.
Sounds like you have a good start on your quit. You didn't mention your specific reasons for quitting (we know most of them), but sometimes it is good to write them down or tell folks. The clearer you are about the reasons behind your decision to quit, the easier it will be to stay the fuck quit when life throws you a curve ball.
I quoted one thing you said that I would caution you about. Be very very careful with alcohol during the first month or two. Avoid it if you can, or at least be around someone who will keep you accountable.
Post roll in your quit group early, keep your roll call promise to stay quit for the day, and come back the next morning to do the same. While you're at it, tell folks how you're doing in the forum and in chat.
I wanted to bump this little piece of advice to the top for any noobs that might read it.
Copefiend's suggestion to lay back on the booze is a must. At least for the first month until you get your legs back under you.
The craves don't go away after that, but you sure as hell know how to deal with them after you've had some time away from the snuff.
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I have a new vice that has taken control of my life - Internet Television. This is not just a replacement form of entertainment like "instead of watching 30Rock, lets watch Arrested Development on Hulu." This is a full blown addiction.
My television habits for the entirety of my life revolved around network programing schedules and to a small degree Comcast OnDemand content. As of the first of June, however, I began to implement an austerity program in my house which included dropping all unnecessary expenses including cable tv. This was meant to be a trial period whereby we would increase our savings and challenge ourselves to find more wholesome ways to entertain ourselves as a family.
Fucking backfired.
Instead of sitting down to watch a 30-60 minute show, and then turing off the tube because there is nothing else we want to watch, we are carving off a stong 4-5 hours a night watching full seasons in a couple of days of shows we would have never otherwise watched.
I have my laptop hooked up to my TV, and am in the process of building a linux-based media center that can be a permenant fixture.
I think I need a support group.
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I did the same thing for awhile. I remember watching 3 full seasons of Dexter in 2 weeks time. Couldn't get enough.
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Rules for picking up a hooker: (pulled from the web b/c I don't do that shit 'winker' ) -
Rule #1 When I am done, GET OUT OF MY CAR!
Rule #2 See rule #1, just needs to be said twice.
Rule #3 If you think you are going to light the pipe in my ride, think again.
Rule #4 If You need a ride at the end and I am feeling gracious enough to bend rule #1, it better be close, and you better know where the hell you are going.
Rule #5 I am not as comfortable as you with my status as a ‘john’, this means yelling to your cracker-jack friends out my window will get you nowhere fast.
Rule #6 I am paying you, at the very least act interested.
Rule #7 I have good eyesight, I donÂ’t need you to jump up and down, wave, send up flares, etc. Make eye contact. ThatÂ’s all I need and thatÂ’s all I prefer. I may well drive by a few times, itÂ’s all about my comfort level.
Rule #8 If you give me lack luster service, you will compensated accordingly. I mean really, is this why you are doing what your doing, did the formula for success as a waitress truly baffle you?
Rule #9 Asking me if I am the police is about the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. Reach over and give me a gentle squeeze, thats the proof (or hey, at least it works for me.)
Rule #10 You need to supply the condoms, not me. I canÂ’t have that shit hanging around my car. I donÂ’t bring my own sugar for my coffee at DennyÂ’s.
Rule #11 State the way you want me to ‘release’ beforehand.
Rule #12 Wash that funky ass.
Rule #13 Its my car, donÂ’t change the radio stations.
Rule #14 I will NEVER pick up a girl whose pimp/boyfriend is following, lose the dude and we can do business.
Rule #15 GET OUT OF MY CAR WHEN I AM DONE!
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]Rules for picking up a hooker: (pulled from the web b/c I don't do that shit 'winker' ) -
The little winking emoticon is insufficient in convincing me of your lack of experience ('winker') in this area.