KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: themightyrenegade on November 06, 2011, 09:55:00 AM
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It's been a long time since I was that 18-year-old kid, half drunk and standing in the midst of 10 other college freshmen on the beach in Santa Barbara while they passed around a can of Skoal Long-cut Wintergreen. Over the years, I've wished many a time that I could somehow transport myself back to that very moment for just a second. That's because a second is all the time I would need to punch my 18-year-old self right in the face before he had a chance to put that crud in his mouth. But until time travel becomes a reality, I'm stuck here over 20 years later; still struggling with the consequences of having that nicotine rush flood my brain and nervous system.
Time to Take a Stand
My daily commute to work is where I typically broke down in my quitting efforts. That hour-long monotonous ride where I could anonymously put in some chew proved time and again to be too tempting. Two days ago, shortly after starting a chew and before I had really left my neighborhood, my wife pulled up along side me. It's a habit that, when you're actually doing it, is hard to hide. The disappointment on her face and way her body went rigid was a good signal of how she felt. I had been hiding this habit for the better part of our entire marriage. Sure, there had been times when I quit for longer periods (I think 18 months was one of the longest) but far too many times when I hid my addiction. I was ashamed and embarrassed. It just didn't fit me, who I was, who other people knew me as.
Yesterday, I broke down and told my oldest daughter. Both my wife and I have been very vocal about the dangers of smoking, drinking and drugs - with special emphasis on smoking because my father in law died at age 53 from smoking related illness. So, I felt like I had to come clean to her. Hypocrisy doesn't suit me. When I told my daughter (I have 2 younger daughters that will hear the same speech when they're a little older and can understand.), the look on her face was hearbreaking. It will stay with me for the rest of my life. It was the look of someone who had just had one of the most important images in their life removed. What she believed about her dad didn't mesh with what she was hearing; and the tears flowed. With each tear that I wiped from her cheek, I was reminded of how I was changing her perception of me. Where I was once impervious, now I was flawed. Where I was once wise, now I was partly a fool. Where I was once strong, now I was weak.
Yesterday, I made a promise. It's a promise I have to keep. 22 years of fighting the battle against this drug alone came to an end. I'm not fighting it alone anymore. I'm not just fighting for me. I'm fighting for a 10-year-old girl who needs to believe in her dad again.
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Renegade,
Your story hits home with me! I too was a ninja dipper.......only in my eyes you are a step above me because you have the guts to tell your daughter! My wife and son still do not know I am an addict to nicotene and dipped for two years! You came clean with your family and you have that to be proud of!
This site WORKS! I have been quit for 87 days now thanks to these cranky.....crazy.....downright honest and caring assholes! Listen to them.....they will show you the way!
Click on the PINK welcome center tab in the upper left and learn how to post roll.......it is easy after that
1. Wake Up
2. Post role you will be nic free for today
3. KEEP YOUR WORD
4. repeat tomorrow
The first 5 days suck........no other way to put it. Embrace the suck and remember how aweful it feels. That is one of the things keeping me quit today.....Don't want to go through that again.
Proud to be quit with you today!
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I see you posted role........ourfuckingstanding!
You got this!
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thanks - looking forward to using this as help for the next few days. traveling - will be alone. that's when the resistance falters. you'll be hearing from me. done with trying to go it alone.
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TMR,
Keep strong. You can do this. This site will save your life. Really proud to quit with you today.
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Proud to quit with you today renegade. Prepare for battle
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Proud to quit with you today man.
Keep that shit out of your mouth. I find that chewing gum helps a lot.
Just keep posting roll and take it one day at a time. It gets easier eventually.
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Thank you all for the support. I'm ready to put this behind me once and for all. I feel good about today.
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Unbelievable first post. I salute you, sir, on a job well done. I am referring specifically to the conversation you had with your wife and eldest daughter. Those are the actions of a man who has the character and strength to admit and own his faults, recognize shortcomings, and dedicate himself to kicking this addiction to the curb.
I'm proud to be quit with you today.
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It's been a long time since I was that 18-year-old kid, half drunk and standing in the midst of 10 other college freshmen on the beach in Santa Barbara while they passed around a can of Skoal Long-cut Wintergreen. Over the years, I've wished many a time that I could somehow transport myself back to that very moment for just a second. That's because a second is all the time I would need to punch my 18-year-old self right in the face before he had a chance to put that crud in his mouth. But until time travel becomes a reality, I'm stuck here over 20 years later; still struggling with the consequences of having that nicotine rush flood my brain and nervous system.
Time to Take a Stand
My daily commute to work is where I typically broke down in my quitting efforts. That hour-long monotonous ride where I could anonymously put in some chew proved time and again to be too tempting. Two days ago, shortly after starting a chew and before I had really left my neighborhood, my wife pulled up along side me. It's a habit that, when you're actually doing it, is hard to hide. The disappointment on her face and way her body went rigid was a good signal of how she felt. I had been hiding this habit for the better part of our entire marriage. Sure, there had been times when I quit for longer periods (I think 18 months was one of the longest) but far too many times when I hid my addiction. I was ashamed and embarrassed. It just didn't fit me, who I was, who other people knew me as.
Yesterday, I broke down and told my oldest daughter. Both my wife and I have been very vocal about the dangers of smoking, drinking and drugs - with special emphasis on smoking because my father in law died at age 53 from smoking related illness. So, I felt like I had to come clean to her. Hypocrisy doesn't suit me. When I told my daughter (I have 2 younger daughters that will hear the same speech when they're a little older and can understand.), the look on her face was hearbreaking. It will stay with me for the rest of my life. It was the look of someone who had just had one of the most important images in their life removed. What she believed about her dad didn't mesh with what she was hearing; and the tears flowed. With each tear that I wiped from her cheek, I was reminded of how I was changing her perception of me. Where I was once impervious, now I was flawed. Where I was once wise, now I was partly a fool. Where I was once strong, now I was weak.
Yesterday, I made a promise. It's a promise I have to keep. 22 years of fighting the battle against this drug alone came to an end. I'm not fighting it alone anymore. I'm not just fighting for me. I'm fighting for a 10-year-old girl who needs to believe in her dad again.
This is tremendous.
Remember it when you have tough times... it'll pull you through.
Welcome aboard.
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Huge welcome to our little community here -
Your story is similar to mine - well the part about when you started, how long you used, and how it repulsed your wife when she "busted" you. However, I never had the courage to spill the beans to my kids. My son is 10 - he thinks I walk on water. I'll be honest, i don't have the courage to tell him about my addiction. As a ninja dipper, he never saw me. I did it around my 5-year old but was very discreet about spitting so she never realized it other than asking me about the "candy smell" in the room (Grizzly WINTERGREEN). Anyway, I commend you for this. I have often thought about an approach to take with my kids thinking maybe a good idea to tell them about this addiction so that hopefully they steer clear of it.
Anyway, back to your quit. You have made the right choice. If I can do it, you can do it. I quit on July 28, 2011 and posted day 103 today. It's not easy but if you spend a great deal of time on this website, drink the koolaid, utilize the support system, and keep your promise, there is no way you will cave. Simple as that. Get past the first few days and then it simply becomes a mental struggle. Telling your daughter about it was huge because you will certainly not want to let her down - talk about accountability.
I, too, had a long business trip right around when I first started when I would literally never remove the dip from my face. People have different beliefs in this regard but for me, I made it a point to actually stop in a few convenience stores and look Grizzly and his buddies in the eye and actually verbalize my disdain toward it. It was therapeutic. I did this several times. Get phone numbers for your trip. When you are having a tough time, text or call someone.
And bottom line, when you are having a crave, don't dip, just do something else. Simple as that.
Good job and welcome again - trust me, if you want it bad enough, you WILL succeed. If I can do it, you can definitely do it.
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Renegade, I don't post here very much (love the site, just not big on posting), but your words were so inspiring. It sounds like your quit will be successful, because you were STRONG enough to admit your weakness to your daughter. I'm 98 days into my quit, and I know I would not have been successful if it weren't for the accountability that a special lady held me to. Keep up with the site, KTC has been my saving grace on many a tough days.
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I saw that you posted your promise. If you keep doing that every day, you will win. We quit one day at a time. Embrace the Suck and Man Up, this will be your last QUIT!
Great Intro--truly inspiring---keep that fire...
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Good shit. Proud to quit with you today.
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Thank you all for the support. I'm ready to put this behind me once and for all. I feel good about today.
I know what you are saying here, but what every you do, NEVER put this behind you. Remember the look in that little girls eyes as long as you live. Remember the shame every day when you wake up.
Congratulations on the best decision you have ever made in your life. Honored to be quit with you today.
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Truly honored by the responses left here. I don't know the people who posted, but I wish I did. I can't help but imagine if I had just embraced this site sooner, but I'm trying not to dwell and just focus on NOW, RIGHT NOW. This entire day has been about not giving in to tobacco. I haven't. I won't. Today is Day 3. I capitalize it because it has been my undoing too many times. Not today. Today is Day 3, and I'm beating it to death.
Thank you
I will beat this. I will beat this and be an example of how to win.
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Update: I add this because it's somewhat funny. Some may think that it's funny, while those who don't know would think that it's sad. I just went on a trek to find - get this - a store in West Hollywood that sells any of the alternates listed on this site.
I'm sure it won't surprise anyone to find out that my efforts proved fruitless. What's funny is that I can remember not too long ago when I went on a similar journey. The difference between my trip then and the one that I just took is that the original was intently focused on finding a store that sold any kind of tobacco chew.
The trip that I just took actually avoided the stores that I found originally and instead were targeted towards stores that I thought might carry any of the alternates. What's funny is the contradiction and mindset of both searches. The original was frantic and desperate. When I finally found a store that carried the crap, I put it in my mouth immediately upon exiting. This time, I found no such stores that carried the Jake's / Hooch / etc., but I was calm, relaxed and went back to the hotel empty handed and laughing at the former me that wasted so much time and effort to search out poison.
By the way, I bought some beef jerky to get through the oral fixation. It helped.
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By the way, I bought some beef jerky to get through the oral fixation. It helped.
Seeds. Frito Lay BBQ is my personal favorite.
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themightyrenegade - Im on day 3 today. Being a closet dipper to my 2 kids for their whole lives (14 and 16) and to my wife for the last 4 years, your intro really hit home with me. I almost wrote a response to you when I read it, I was gonna say you had big balls coming clean with the family but that just made me feel like a pussy so I said nothing.
Last night I came clean to the wife and kids. All were dissapointed but daughter was crestfallen and left crying. Remember when your parents fell off their pedastal? That's what happened to my kids last night. I've got trust to build with them again but they said they would help me with this.
I just wanted to say thanks for opening up like that and let you know it helped me. I'm a better person after 3 days on this stupid site and my quit is stronger than ever. I'm thankful I'm quitting with you renegade.
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themightyrenegade - Im on day 3 today. Being a closet dipper to my 2 kids for their whole lives (14 and 16) and to my wife for the last 4 years, your intro really hit home with me. I almost wrote a response to you when I read it, I was gonna say you had big balls coming clean with the family but that just made me feel like a pussy so I said nothing.
Last night I came clean to the wife and kids. All were dissapointed but daughter was crestfallen and left crying. Remember when your parents fell off their pedastal? That's what happened to my kids last night. I've got trust to build with them again but they said they would help me with this.
I just wanted to say thanks for opening up like that and let you know it helped me. I'm a better person after 3 days on this stupid site and my quit is stronger than ever. I'm thankful I'm quitting with you renegade.
DW3 - thanks for the words. Bigger thanks for owning up to your actions with your family. You owed them that. Now you owe them the next step - just like me. We'll build back the trust together.
'Our lives are as often defined by what we choose not to do, as they are by what we do.' - themightyrenegade
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themightyrenegade - Im on day 3 today. Being a closet dipper to my 2 kids for their whole lives (14 and 16) and to my wife for the last 4 years, your intro really hit home with me. I almost wrote a response to you when I read it, I was gonna say you had big balls coming clean with the family but that just made me feel like a pussy so I said nothing.
Last night I came clean to the wife and kids. All were dissapointed but daughter was crestfallen and left crying. Remember when your parents fell off their pedastal? That's what happened to my kids last night. I've got trust to build with them again but they said they would help me with this.
I just wanted to say thanks for opening up like that and let you know it helped me. I'm a better person after 3 days on this stupid site and my quit is stronger than ever. I'm thankful I'm quitting with you renegade.
DW3 - thanks for the words. Bigger thanks for owning up to your actions with your family. You owed them that. Now you owe them the next step - just like me. We'll build back the trust together.
'Our lives are as often defined by what we choose not to do, as they are by what we do.' - themightyrenegade
themightyrenegade - Im on day 3 today. Being a closet dipper to my 2 kids for their whole lives (14 and 16) and to my wife for the last 4 years, your intro really hit home with me. I almost wrote a response to you when I read it, I was gonna say you had big balls coming clean with the family but that just made me feel like a pussy so I said nothing.
Last night I came clean to the wife and kids. All were dissapointed but daughter was crestfallen and left crying. Remember when your parents fell off their pedastal? That's what happened to my kids last night. I've got trust to build with them again but they said they would help me with this.
I just wanted to say thanks for opening up like that and let you know it helped me. I'm a better person after 3 days on this stupid site and my quit is stronger than ever. I'm thankful I'm quitting with you renegade.
DW3 - thanks for the words. Bigger thanks for owning up to your actions with your family. You owed them that. Now you owe them the next step - just like me. We'll build back the trust together.
'Our lives are as often defined by what we choose not to do, as they are by what we do.' - themightyrenegade
Good stuff renegade. I'm on day 8, and I can tell you that it gets MUCH easier once the fog lifts. This site says the fog only lasts for 3 days. Mine seemed to last about 5 days. Just horrible. But once it lifts, it is so much easier. I'm in the same boat as you. 20 years and hoping I didn't wait too long. We will beat this thing!!
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Good stuff renegade. I'm on day 8, and I can tell you that it gets MUCH easier once the fog lifts. This site says the fog only lasts for 3 days. Mine seemed to last about 5 days. Just horrible. But once it lifts, it is so much easier. I'm in the same boat as you. 20 years and hoping I didn't wait too long. We will beat this thing!!
@E Raines - We will beat this. On Day 6 and going strong. Thank you for the feedback.
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themightyrenegade - Im on day 3 today. Being a closet dipper to my 2 kids for their whole lives (14 and 16) and to my wife for the last 4 years, your intro really hit home with me. I almost wrote a response to you when I read it, I was gonna say you had big balls coming clean with the family but that just made me feel like a pussy so I said nothing.
Last night I came clean to the wife and kids. All were dissapointed but daughter was crestfallen and left crying. Remember when your parents fell off their pedastal? That's what happened to my kids last night. I've got trust to build with them again but they said they would help me with this.
I just wanted to say thanks for opening up like that and let you know it helped me. I'm a better person after 3 days on this stupid site and my quit is stronger than ever. I'm thankful I'm quitting with you renegade.
DW3 - thanks for the words. Bigger thanks for owning up to your actions with your family. You owed them that. Now you owe them the next step - just like me. We'll build back the trust together.
'Our lives are as often defined by what we choose not to do, as they are by what we do.' - themightyrenegade
Very well done. I too was a ninja dipper, and it took me a month quit to finally come clean. Being honest is fantastic. Plus now you will have their support, and you will be accountable to them thus strengthening your quit.
Outstanding.
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@Luby - totally with you. Not only do I feel good about my quit, but the honesty part has removed that cowardly feeling that I used to get from hiding it.
"...Because I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again..."[/FONT[/color]] - Mumford Sons