KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: Tuco on July 30, 2014, 11:47:00 AM
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Hi All,
First, and most importantly, I quit dip (and NRT for that matter) completely and for good 3 days ago. I'm just done. I'm putting the rational side in the driver's seat instead of the addict for the first time in a long time, and admitting that I have a serious problem with nicotine addiction and that I can't quit and stay quit alone.
Some background on me: I'm 36 and have been a regular dipper for a little over 4 years now. Prior to that, I was a cigarette smoker off and (mostly) on since I was a teenager. About 13 years ago, I came across a different board for quitting smoking, and with the help and support of some folks over there I quit for 4.5 years. I was so involved in the site, I was even a mod for a time. I was so confident, so sure of myself and my quit around that time that it never once occurred to me that I could allow myself to fail and get sucked back in. The rational side of me knew all along that 1 puff = 1 pack = full-blown smoking again and that I would be a nicotine addict for the rest of my life. Yet, after almost 5 years clean, I had let my guard down completely and left myself wide open for the demon to come crawling back in. At the same time, I was feeling too much shame/pride to go back and admit that I had relapsed and ask for help, so I went full-on ninja closet smoker/dipper for the next 9+ years. When my wife was pregnant with our daughter, I was finally able to stop smoking cigarettes early in 2010 thanks to the "help" of NRT. All I was doing was leap-frogging from one poison delivery method to the next when I went from cigarettes to NRT to chew/NRT. Ironically, back when I was smoking, I thought dipping was about as foul of a habit as you could get. It obviously didn't take me long to ditch that notion and start romanticizing dip all the same once I had picked it up.
My wife thought I was completely nic-free from the time I gave up cigarettes until just a few months ago when I was finally forced to admit that I had been dipping and using NRT ever since. I even stopped for almost 2 months after that, but quickly found my way back on it once I felt that the "heat" was off. Crazy stupid. To think that I got myself through the worst of the first few weeks, and actually started to feel normal and free for the first time in a long time, only to dive right back in head first... Addicts are many things, but rational is not one of them.
I can't say there was any one thing that's caused me to snap and make this change the day I did. Probably been building and festering for a long while now. I can remember always thinking things to myself like, "I need to quit soon. It'd be bullshit if I'm still dipping this time next year" but we all know that the addict's brain has a keen sense for punting on those sorts of things. It's all part of the great, big ball of lies that we tell ourselves and others when we're using.
So, here I am. This was the 4th consecutive morning that I made a promise to myself and others that I wouldn't let nicotine near my body, no matter what. It feels liberating, but I also know that that I can't do this 100% alone.
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Hi All,
First, and most importantly, I quit dip (and NRT for that matter) completely and for good 3 days ago. I'm just done. I'm putting the rational side in the driver's seat instead of the addict for the first time in a long time, and admitting that I have a serious problem with nicotine addiction and that I can't quit and stay quit alone.
Some background on me: I'm 36 and have been a regular dipper for a little over 4 years now. Prior to that, I was a cigarette smoker off and (mostly) on since I was a teenager. About 13 years ago, I came across a different board for quitting smoking, and with the help and support of some folks over there I quit for 4.5 years. I was so involved in the site, I was even a mod for a time. I was so confident, so sure of myself and my quit around that time that it never once occurred to me that I could allow myself to fail and get sucked back in. The rational side of me knew all along that 1 puff = 1 pack = full-blown smoking again and that I would be a nicotine addict for the rest of my life. Yet, after almost 5 years clean, I had let my guard down completely and left myself wide open for the demon to come crawling back in. At the same time, I was feeling too much shame/pride to go back and admit that I had relapsed and ask for help, so I went full-on ninja closet smoker/dipper for the next 9+ years. When my wife was pregnant with our daughter, I was finally able to stop smoking cigarettes early in 2010 thanks to the "help" of NRT. All I was doing was leap-frogging from one poison delivery method to the next when I went from cigarettes to NRT to chew/NRT. Ironically, back when I was smoking, I thought dipping was about as foul of a habit as you could get. It obviously didn't take me long to ditch that notion and start romanticizing dip all the same once I had picked it up.
My wife thought I was completely nic-free from the time I gave up cigarettes until just a few months ago when I was finally forced to admit that I had been dipping and using NRT ever since. I even stopped for almost 2 months after that, but quickly found my way back on it once I felt that the "heat" was off. Crazy stupid. To think that I got myself through the worst of the first few weeks, and actually started to feel normal and free for the first time in a long time, only to dive right back in head first... Addicts are many things, but rational is not one of them.
I can't say there was any one thing that's caused me to snap and make this change the day I did. Probably been building and festering for a long while now. I can remember always thinking things to myself like, "I need to quit soon. It'd be bullshit if I'm still dipping this time next year" but we all know that the addict's brain has a keen sense for punting on those sorts of things. It's all part of the great, big ball of lies that we tell ourselves and others when we're using.
So, here I am. This was the 4th consecutive morning that I made a promise to myself and others that I wouldn't let nicotine near my body, no matter what. It feels liberating, but I also know that that I can't do this 100% alone.
Awesome intro. Looks like you've got a lot of stopping experience. Welcome to being quit. There's a difference. Proud of you for making the decision. I'm almost tempted to ask you to answer the three questions we normally give cavers, but I think your intro answers most of them. I hope you will get involved and do whatever it takes this time.
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Welcome Tuco, get involved here at stay quit today, and I will do the same.
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Hey I love the avatar and the user name. Your intro is good too.
Here's the drill (no wavering):
- Post roll daily
- Keep that shit out of your body
- Make some friends
- Be accountable
- Be a brother
I quit with you today.
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Welcome in bro...
Good advice so far. Follow it and the path we've already laid out. It's not easy but it IS simple. Stick around, get involved, and stay involved.
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Good to see you jumping in Tuco. Reach out if you need anything.
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Tuco welcome aboard. Clearly you know what to do, it's up to you to just do it. Post roll (and in doing so make a daily promise) and we will make a daily promise to you. Other than that fasten your seatbelts because quitting again is not any easier than it was the first time around. Be strong, be a man, and grit your way through it. Good luck.
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Thanks for the replies and wise words. Just knowing that there are folks out there that can offer words or cattle prods of encouragement is huge.
For now, I'm taking a mental inventory of all of the current and past triggers I can think of in hopes of heading them off at the pass. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since I quit the dip, and that was very much a purpose-driven decision. Nothing brings on a tsunami of a crave like a few beers does, so why bother piling that on so early in the process? I know in my gut it's wisest to avoid alcohol at least until I get my sea legs back. Unfortunately, I know this also means I will likely have to distance myself from a buddy or two for a little while. Having a family with young kids makes for an easy "out" most times. I just need to get used to making AND keeping this daily promise not to dip a little while longer before I start making certain social plans.
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Thanks for the replies and wise words. Just knowing that there are folks out there that can offer words or cattle prods of encouragement is huge.
For now, I'm taking a mental inventory of all of the current and past triggers I can think of in hopes of heading them off at the pass. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since I quit the dip, and that was very much a purpose-driven decision. Nothing brings on a tsunami of a crave like a few beers does, so why bother piling that on so early in the process? I know in my gut it's wisest to avoid alcohol at least until I get my sea legs back. Unfortunately, I know this also means I will likely have to distance myself from a buddy or two for a little while. Having a family with young kids makes for an easy "out" most times. I just need to get used to making AND keeping this daily promise not to dip a little while longer before I start making certain social plans.
Great choices being laid out here. Remember that friends come and go, true friends are the kind that stay, but family is forever.
Continue to make wise choices, read and motivate yourself daily. I still have to face triggers and life continues to happen but by posting roll each day I pledge to myself and my brothers that I am quit, nothing else matters.
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Great intro...sounds like it was written by someone who knows nicotine, knows addiction, and is really good at stopping long periods of time. I appreciate that it takes humility and some degree of guts to make a post like that. To openly admit your failures and need for help takes some balls. Again I appreciate that; I respect that. But why should I (or we for that matter) invest in you and your quit? How is this going to actually BE a quit opposed to a sabbatical? Since you have traveled this road before, I imagine you've thought about it. I just want you to put your money where your mouth is and prove to yourself, this is the last time you post an intro for the first time. Don't promise me that. Promise yourself that. I don't mean to come off as a hardass, I just don't want to read another sob story from you that you F'd up...I just want you to be quit.
For good.
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Great intro...sounds like it was written by someone who knows nicotine, knows addiction, and is really good at stopping long periods of time. I appreciate that it takes humility and some degree of guts to make a post like that. To openly admit your failures and need for help takes some balls. Again I appreciate that; I respect that. But why should I (or we for that matter) invest in you and your quit? How is this going to actually BE a quit opposed to a sabbatical? Since you have traveled this road before, I imagine you've thought about it. I just want you to put your money where your mouth is and prove to yourself, this is the last time you post an intro for the first time. Don't promise me that. Promise yourself that. I don't mean to come off as a hardass, I just don't want to read another sob story from you that you F'd up...I just want you to be quit.
For good.
Man, nothing like cutting right to the chase. All valid points/thought-provoking questions and definitely appreciated.
Why should you or anyone else invest their time in me or my quit? You honestly shouldn't if you don't believe in me or my quit. Brass tacks.
I'm not looking for hollow rah-rah's and endless threads of "attaboys" day over day. I've done that, and it got old. Fast. Like I said, simply knowing that I'm not doing this alone is huge.
If you'd asked me 10 years ago to prove to myself and everyone else that I was committed to staying quit, I would have pointed to the 4 years prior and said, "proof enough." 10-11 months later? Not so much. In the time since that first relapse 9 years ago, I had been too chickenshit to quit CT like I did the first time. Now I know it truly is the only way. There is no magic bullet.
Honestly, I don't know what it will take or if I will ever truly be able to prove myself definitively. I just know I need to make that promise to myself every single day, and hope that I have the courage and the wisdom now that I didn't have back then.
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Great intro...sounds like it was written by someone who knows nicotine, knows addiction, and is really good at stopping long periods of time. I appreciate that it takes humility and some degree of guts to make a post like that. To openly admit your failures and need for help takes some balls. Again I appreciate that; I respect that. But why should I (or we for that matter) invest in you and your quit? How is this going to actually BE a quit opposed to a sabbatical? Since you have traveled this road before, I imagine you've thought about it. I just want you to put your money where your mouth is and prove to yourself, this is the last time you post an intro for the first time. Don't promise me that. Promise yourself that. I don't mean to come off as a hardass, I just don't want to read another sob story from you that you F'd up...I just want you to be quit.
For good.
Man, nothing like cutting right to the chase. All valid points/thought-provoking questions and definitely appreciated.
Why should you or anyone else invest their time in me or my quit? You honestly shouldn't if you don't believe in me or my quit. Brass tacks.
I'm not looking for hollow rah-rah's and endless threads of "attaboys" day over day. I've done that, and it got old. Fast. Like I said, simply knowing that I'm not doing this alone is huge.
If you'd asked me 10 years ago to prove to myself and everyone else that I was committed to staying quit, I would have pointed to the 4 years prior and said, "proof enough." 10-11 months later? Not so much. In the time since that first relapse 9 years ago, I had been too chickenshit to quit CT like I did the first time. Now I know it truly is the only way. There is no magic bullet.
Honestly, I don't know what it will take or if I will ever truly be able to prove myself definitively. I just know I need to make that promise to myself every single day, and hope that I have the courage and the wisdom now that I didn't have back then.
...and hope that I have the courage...
And there it is. You're leaving the door open for possibilities. This is why people are hesitant about you right now,
Slam the door shut!
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...and hope that I have the courage...[/quit]
And there it is. You're leaving the door open for possibilities. This is why people are hesitant about you right now,
Slam the door shut!
"Hope" is the wrong word there. I should have said "trust". Bottomline: I trust that I have the courage and the wisdom now that I didn't back then.
Add accountability to that list as well.
Thanks, guys.
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Still getting a feel for this place, so my apologies in advance if this isn't where these things go. It's getting late, but I wanted to post about today while it's still fresh in my mind so I can go back to it later at some point down the road.
Today being the fifth day of my quit, had to have been the worst thus far. Day 1 was a relative breeze, because frankly, I was hungover and tired and probably wouldn't have dipped that day regardless. It almost feels like cheating to me now. Days 2 and 3 were pretty much as I expected - just a constant humming in every muscle fiber as the needle on the nicotine gauge had been firmly settled on "E" for a few days. Today was just, I don't know. Scary craves. Intense physical ones where I literally felt as if someone or something was trying to lift my head and my arms out of the chair and away to someplace else. Like I was losing control of my own body and had to force myself to stay seated. They came in a number of waves as the afternoon progressed into the evening, and I burned through an entire pack of trident in the process. By the time the wife and kid got home and it was on to the nightly routine, the craves had pretty much subsided. I need to try and figure out what might have been the trigger for those so I can get a better handle on them next time.
In other news, I finally laid all of my cards out on the table to the wife. Fuck me, that's a conversation I fully intend never to repeat. She was pretty pissed, and understandably so. I'd been ninja dipping for several months and sneaking off like a turd to do it when she thought that I had been quit the whole time. She asked how she could possibly help keep me accountable when it was clear that if I really wanted to, I could sneak a dip at any time. I told her I really didn't know beyond, "keep asking, keep pressing, and if something truly doesn't seem right, it probably isn't." Tough thing to admit, but there it is. The part that she doesn't get is that by her simply knowing and understanding that there is a stupid addict side to me, that helps keep me accountable. As long as I'm making a solemn promise and renewing it each day, she deserves to hear and hold me to it just as much as you cats.
-
Still getting a feel for this place, so my apologies in advance if this isn't where these things go. It's getting late, but I wanted to post about today while it's still fresh in my mind so I can go back to it later at some point down the road.
Today being the fifth day of my quit, had to have been the worst thus far. Day 1 was a relative breeze, because frankly, I was hungover and tired and probably wouldn't have dipped that day regardless. It almost feels like cheating to me now. Days 2 and 3 were pretty much as I expected - just a constant humming in every muscle fiber as the needle on the nicotine gauge had been firmly settled on "E" for a few days. Today was just, I don't know. Scary craves. Intense physical ones where I literally felt as if someone or something was trying to lift my head and my arms out of the chair and away to someplace else. Like I was losing control of my own body and had to force myself to stay seated. They came in a number of waves as the afternoon progressed into the evening, and I burned through an entire pack of trident in the process. By the time the wife and kid got home and it was on to the nightly routine, the craves had pretty much subsided. I need to try and figure out what might have been the trigger for those so I can get a better handle on them next time.
In other news, I finally laid all of my cards out on the table to the wife. Fuck me, that's a conversation I fully intend never to repeat. She was pretty pissed, and understandably so. I'd been ninja dipping for several months and sneaking off like a turd to do it when she thought that I had been quit the whole time. She asked how she could possibly help keep me accountable when it was clear that if I really wanted to, I could sneak a dip at any time. I told her I really didn't know beyond, "keep asking, keep pressing, and if something truly doesn't seem right, it probably isn't." Tough thing to admit, but there it is. The part that she doesn't get is that by her simply knowing and understanding that there is a stupid addict side to me, that helps keep me accountable. As long as I'm making a solemn promise and renewing it each day, she deserves to hear and hold me to it just as much as you cats.
Totally agree. First, this is exactly where you should put this kind of post. Second, you're not the only one.
Afer 4+ years of Quit, and recently celebrating my 15th anniversary, my wife is still suspicious. I lied to her for 11 years. 11 years. 11 YEARS! I told her countless times, "I quit", or when she would kiss me, and ask me, "Do you have a dip in?" I'd look her right in the face, with a fat turd in my lip and say, "NO!"
The fights. Oh, the fights.
The deciept, and trust issues we still have...
But you know what, Tuco? We're getting better. It's a long road, but one well worth walking. Every day I keep that shit outta my face, is a day I get better, and me being better is better for her, and my kids.
Keep fighting bro.
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Still getting a feel for this place, so my apologies in advance if this isn't where these things go. It's getting late, but I wanted to post about today while it's still fresh in my mind so I can go back to it later at some point down the road.
Today being the fifth day of my quit, had to have been the worst thus far. Day 1 was a relative breeze, because frankly, I was hungover and tired and probably wouldn't have dipped that day regardless. It almost feels like cheating to me now. Days 2 and 3 were pretty much as I expected - just a constant humming in every muscle fiber as the needle on the nicotine gauge had been firmly settled on "E" for a few days. Today was just, I don't know. Scary craves. Intense physical ones where I literally felt as if someone or something was trying to lift my head and my arms out of the chair and away to someplace else. Like I was losing control of my own body and had to force myself to stay seated. They came in a number of waves as the afternoon progressed into the evening, and I burned through an entire pack of trident in the process. By the time the wife and kid got home and it was on to the nightly routine, the craves had pretty much subsided. I need to try and figure out what might have been the trigger for those so I can get a better handle on them next time.
In other news, I finally laid all of my cards out on the table to the wife. Fuck me, that's a conversation I fully intend never to repeat. She was pretty pissed, and understandably so. I'd been ninja dipping for several months and sneaking off like a turd to do it when she thought that I had been quit the whole time. She asked how she could possibly help keep me accountable when it was clear that if I really wanted to, I could sneak a dip at any time. I told her I really didn't know beyond, "keep asking, keep pressing, and if something truly doesn't seem right, it probably isn't." Tough thing to admit, but there it is. The part that she doesn't get is that by her simply knowing and understanding that there is a stupid addict side to me, that helps keep me accountable. As long as I'm making a solemn promise and renewing it each day, she deserves to hear and hold me to it just as much as you cats.
Totally agree. First, this is exactly where you should put this kind of post. Second, you're not the only one.
Afer 4+ years of Quit, and recently celebrating my 15th anniversary, my wife is still suspicious. I lied to her for 11 years. 11 years. 11 YEARS! I told her countless times, "I quit", or when she would kiss me, and ask me, "Do you have a dip in?" I'd look her right in the face, with a fat turd in my lip and say, "NO!"
The fights. Oh, the fights.
The deciept, and trust issues we still have...
But you know what, Tuco? We're getting better. It's a long road, but one well worth walking. Every day I keep that shit outta my face, is a day I get better, and me being better is better for her, and my kids.
Keep fighting bro.
Tuco I don't mean to hijack your intro thread, but man Nolaq did you bring back some shitty memories for me. I lied to my wife's face so many fucking times....What a small fucking cunt I was. Being able to be honest is probably reason number one I am glad to be quit.
So Tuco back to you, the only thing to do is keep fucking grinding, and keep your with up on your quit. Show her the site, show hger your posts, tell her what day you are on. Although she may be pissed at first, eventually she will come along. Day 5 is probably the worst. If it doesn't get better tomorrow it will soon. Keep fighting brutha.
-
Still getting a feel for this place, so my apologies in advance if this isn't where these things go. It's getting late, but I wanted to post about today while it's still fresh in my mind so I can go back to it later at some point down the road.
Today being the fifth day of my quit, had to have been the worst thus far. Day 1 was a relative breeze, because frankly, I was hungover and tired and probably wouldn't have dipped that day regardless. It almost feels like cheating to me now. Days 2 and 3 were pretty much as I expected - just a constant humming in every muscle fiber as the needle on the nicotine gauge had been firmly settled on "E" for a few days. Today was just, I don't know. Scary craves. Intense physical ones where I literally felt as if someone or something was trying to lift my head and my arms out of the chair and away to someplace else. Like I was losing control of my own body and had to force myself to stay seated. They came in a number of waves as the afternoon progressed into the evening, and I burned through an entire pack of trident in the process. By the time the wife and kid got home and it was on to the nightly routine, the craves had pretty much subsided. I need to try and figure out what might have been the trigger for those so I can get a better handle on them next time.
In other news, I finally laid all of my cards out on the table to the wife. Fuck me, that's a conversation I fully intend never to repeat. She was pretty pissed, and understandably so. I'd been ninja dipping for several months and sneaking off like a turd to do it when she thought that I had been quit the whole time. She asked how she could possibly help keep me accountable when it was clear that if I really wanted to, I could sneak a dip at any time. I told her I really didn't know beyond, "keep asking, keep pressing, and if something truly doesn't seem right, it probably isn't." Tough thing to admit, but there it is. The part that she doesn't get is that by her simply knowing and understanding that there is a stupid addict side to me, that helps keep me accountable. As long as I'm making a solemn promise and renewing it each day, she deserves to hear and hold me to it just as much as you cats.
Totally agree. First, this is exactly where you should put this kind of post. Second, you're not the only one.
Afer 4+ years of Quit, and recently celebrating my 15th anniversary, my wife is still suspicious. I lied to her for 11 years. 11 years. 11 YEARS! I told her countless times, "I quit", or when she would kiss me, and ask me, "Do you have a dip in?" I'd look her right in the face, with a fat turd in my lip and say, "NO!"
The fights. Oh, the fights.
The deciept, and trust issues we still have...
But you know what, Tuco? We're getting better. It's a long road, but one well worth walking. Every day I keep that shit outta my face, is a day I get better, and me being better is better for her, and my kids.
Keep fighting bro.
Tuco I don't mean to hijack your intro thread, but man Nolaq did you bring back some shitty memories for me. I lied to my wife's face so many fucking times....What a small fucking cunt I was. Being able to be honest is probably reason number one I am glad to be quit.
So Tuco back to you, the only thing to do is keep fucking grinding, and keep your with up on your quit. Show her the site, show hger your posts, tell her what day you are on. Although she may be pissed at first, eventually she will come along. Day 5 is probably the worst. If it doesn't get better tomorrow it will soon. Keep fighting brutha.
Tuco,
I never was a ninja, my wife knew each and every time I had a gross piece of crap in my lip. So I never had the 'come clean' speech. But I do have to say from those on here that I have seen make that speech to their loved one, it has helped them tremendously.
It is another step in the end of lying to those we love. It will take time to win back the 100% trust, but give it time, and as I have seen in others it does get better and better.
and things like that are always great to get off one's chest.
will stand right beside you today in the quit life
-
Still getting a feel for this place, so my apologies in advance if this isn't where these things go. It's getting late, but I wanted to post about today while it's still fresh in my mind so I can go back to it later at some point down the road.
Today being the fifth day of my quit, had to have been the worst thus far. Day 1 was a relative breeze, because frankly, I was hungover and tired and probably wouldn't have dipped that day regardless. It almost feels like cheating to me now. Days 2 and 3 were pretty much as I expected - just a constant humming in every muscle fiber as the needle on the nicotine gauge had been firmly settled on "E" for a few days. Today was just, I don't know. Scary craves. Intense physical ones where I literally felt as if someone or something was trying to lift my head and my arms out of the chair and away to someplace else. Like I was losing control of my own body and had to force myself to stay seated. They came in a number of waves as the afternoon progressed into the evening, and I burned through an entire pack of trident in the process. By the time the wife and kid got home and it was on to the nightly routine, the craves had pretty much subsided. I need to try and figure out what might have been the trigger for those so I can get a better handle on them next time.
In other news, I finally laid all of my cards out on the table to the wife. Fuck me, that's a conversation I fully intend never to repeat. She was pretty pissed, and understandably so. I'd been ninja dipping for several months and sneaking off like a turd to do it when she thought that I had been quit the whole time. She asked how she could possibly help keep me accountable when it was clear that if I really wanted to, I could sneak a dip at any time. I told her I really didn't know beyond, "keep asking, keep pressing, and if something truly doesn't seem right, it probably isn't." Tough thing to admit, but there it is. The part that she doesn't get is that by her simply knowing and understanding that there is a stupid addict side to me, that helps keep me accountable. As long as I'm making a solemn promise and renewing it each day, she deserves to hear and hold me to it just as much as you cats.
Totally agree. First, this is exactly where you should put this kind of post. Second, you're not the only one.
Afer 4+ years of Quit, and recently celebrating my 15th anniversary, my wife is still suspicious. I lied to her for 11 years. 11 years. 11 YEARS! I told her countless times, "I quit", or when she would kiss me, and ask me, "Do you have a dip in?" I'd look her right in the face, with a fat turd in my lip and say, "NO!"
The fights. Oh, the fights.
The deciept, and trust issues we still have...
But you know what, Tuco? We're getting better. It's a long road, but one well worth walking. Every day I keep that shit outta my face, is a day I get better, and me being better is better for her, and my kids.
Keep fighting bro.
Tuco I don't mean to hijack your intro thread, but man Nolaq did you bring back some shitty memories for me. I lied to my wife's face so many fucking times....What a small fucking cunt I was. Being able to be honest is probably reason number one I am glad to be quit.
So Tuco back to you, the only thing to do is keep fucking grinding, and keep your with up on your quit. Show her the site, show hger your posts, tell her what day you are on. Although she may be pissed at first, eventually she will come along. Day 5 is probably the worst. If it doesn't get better tomorrow it will soon. Keep fighting brutha.
Tuco,
I never was a ninja, my wife knew each and every time I had a gross piece of crap in my lip. So I never had the 'come clean' speech. But I do have to say from those on here that I have seen make that speech to their loved one, it has helped them tremendously.
It is another step in the end of lying to those we love. It will take time to win back the 100% trust, but give it time, and as I have seen in others it does get better and better.
and things like that are always great to get off one's chest.
will stand right beside you today in the quit life
Tuco,
Nice start to your quit. I'll also congratulate on the honesty phase. Honesty with loved ones. Honesty with self. It turns a new card in your life and leads to happiness. One critique...go easy on the booze. You mention being hungover. Alcohol has killed a billion quits here. Go easy on it or consider stopping booze for awhile. Being sober gives you the advantage of clear-headed logic, and it pushes nic temptations away.
You are starting to slay the bitch and for that you are to be commended. I'm at 218 days and never thought I'd be here. And I'm around dumbass cowboy dippers all the time in real life. This site is my other real life. The guys and gals changed my life, and they will change yours too. Oh, and one other piece of advice: Never, ever miss roll call. You owe it to yourself and everyone here supporting you. You will succeed. PM me to exchange digits.
QLF with you,
ZillahCowboy.
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One critique...go easy on the booze. You mention being hungover. Alcohol has killed a billion quits here. Go easy on it or consider stopping booze for awhile. Being sober gives you the advantage of clear-headed logic, and it pushes nic temptations away.
Thanks, Zillah, and well ahead of you on that one. I know me, and I know that alcohol is a HUGE trigger. I haven't had a drop since I quit the dip for precisely that reason. My craves have been bad enough - the last thing I need is to pile on and make them worse with a beer or two. I'm going to slow my roll for a good while until my feet are firmly planted and I've got my sea legs back. Even then, it's something where I know I have to proceed with extreme caution.
-
One critique...go easy on the booze. You mention being hungover. Alcohol has killed a billion quits here. Go easy on it or consider stopping booze for awhile. Being sober gives you the advantage of clear-headed logic, and it pushes nic temptations away.
Thanks, Zillah, and well ahead of you on that one. I know me, and I know that alcohol is a HUGE trigger. I haven't had a drop since I quit the dip for precisely that reason. My craves have been bad enough - the last thing I need is to pile on and make them worse with a beer or two. I'm going to slow my roll for a good while until my feet are firmly planted and I've got my sea legs back. Even then, it's something where I know I have to proceed with extreme caution.
Good plan. I quit with you and back you all the way.
ZC.
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One critique...go easy on the booze. You mention being hungover. Alcohol has killed a billion quits here. Go easy on it or consider stopping booze for awhile. Being sober gives you the advantage of clear-headed logic, and it pushes nic temptations away.
Thanks, Zillah, and well ahead of you on that one. I know me, and I know that alcohol is a HUGE trigger. I haven't had a drop since I quit the dip for precisely that reason. My craves have been bad enough - the last thing I need is to pile on and make them worse with a beer or two. I'm going to slow my roll for a good while until my feet are firmly planted and I've got my sea legs back. Even then, it's something where I know I have to proceed with extreme caution.
Good plan. I quit with you and back you all the way.
ZC.
TG, I wanted to say welcome and congratulations.
Reading your posts was like a gong to my head. Quitting, stopping, falling back into bed with the nic bitch, lying, ninja-dipping, lying, etc. Reminds me of my story before I got here and got committed. Made me realize just how much of an idiot I'd been and how much life I'd skipped living with my wife, my daughter, family, friends,... Pathetic but great to get slapped in the face with reality and do something about it.
And you're doing all the right things. So kudos to you. A great thing Lipizzaner suggested was to take stock of your quit periodically— and schedule it if you have to (every 10 days, 25, etc.). Helps put it all back into the perspective that got you here and got you truly quit. And also how susceptible we all are.
Keep posting. Keep frosty. Keep quit.
If you ever need to reach out to a simpatico ear, feel free to hit me up. number edited out by j2b - public forum, use pm's
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One critique...go easy on the booze. You mention being hungover. Alcohol has killed a billion quits here. Go easy on it or consider stopping booze for awhile. Being sober gives you the advantage of clear-headed logic, and it pushes nic temptations away.
Thanks, Zillah, and well ahead of you on that one. I know me, and I know that alcohol is a HUGE trigger. I haven't had a drop since I quit the dip for precisely that reason. My craves have been bad enough - the last thing I need is to pile on and make them worse with a beer or two. I'm going to slow my roll for a good while until my feet are firmly planted and I've got my sea legs back. Even then, it's something where I know I have to proceed with extreme caution.
Good plan. I quit with you and back you all the way.
ZC.
TG, I wanted to say welcome and congratulations.
Reading your posts was like a gong to my head. Quitting, stopping, falling back into bed with the nic bitch, lying, ninja-dipping, lying, etc. Reminds me of my story before I got here and got committed. Made me realize just how much of an idiot I'd been and how much life I'd skipped living with my wife, my daughter, family, friends,... Pathetic but great to get slapped in the face with reality and do something about it.
And you're doing all the right things. So kudos to you. A great thing Lipizzaner suggested was to take stock of your quit periodically— and schedule it if you have to (every 10 days, 25, etc.). Helps put it all back into the perspective that got you here and got you truly quit. And also how susceptible we all are.
Keep posting. Keep frosty. Keep quit.
If you ever need to reach out to a simpatico ear, feel free to hit me up.
Tuco, reading your Intro made my quit stronger. Thanks for so selflessly sharing.
Quitspit, quoting lipi? Sheesh :asskiss: 'Sing and Drink'
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.
Thanks for sharing, Tuco -- refreshing to get acquainted with someone that has their head screwed on straight and appreciates one of the finer places in the country (Maine). Similar to you, I'll be making my first nic-free trip there in a few weeks -- and can't wait to appreciate the surroundings that much more without worrying about when I'll be able to sneak off for some cancer fertilizer, or coming up with bullshit excuses about why I need to go to the general store at odd hours of the day.
Thanks for making my quit stronger today. Quit on.
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.
Thanks for sharing, Tuco -- refreshing to get acquainted with someone that has their head screwed on straight and appreciates one of the finer places in the country (Maine). Similar to you, I'll be making my first nic-free trip there in a few weeks -- and can't wait to appreciate the surroundings that much more without worrying about when I'll be able to sneak off for some cancer fertilizer, or coming up with bullshit excuses about why I need to go to the general store at odd hours of the day.
Thanks for making my quit stronger today. Quit on.
Well done Tuco... You are becoming a badass quitter my friend.
Quit on!
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.
Thanks for sharing, Tuco -- refreshing to get acquainted with someone that has their head screwed on straight and appreciates one of the finer places in the country (Maine). Similar to you, I'll be making my first nic-free trip there in a few weeks -- and can't wait to appreciate the surroundings that much more without worrying about when I'll be able to sneak off for some cancer fertilizer, or coming up with bullshit excuses about why I need to go to the general store at odd hours of the day.
Thanks for making my quit stronger today. Quit on.
Well done Tuco... You are becoming a badass quitter my friend.
Quit on!
TG - Thank you for making me completely forget about the "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014. That crap is NOT what this site is all about. Helping each other by sharing great stories like yours is what makes this site great. Nice job!
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.
Thanks for sharing, Tuco -- refreshing to get acquainted with someone that has their head screwed on straight and appreciates one of the finer places in the country (Maine). Similar to you, I'll be making my first nic-free trip there in a few weeks -- and can't wait to appreciate the surroundings that much more without worrying about when I'll be able to sneak off for some cancer fertilizer, or coming up with bullshit excuses about why I need to go to the general store at odd hours of the day.
Thanks for making my quit stronger today. Quit on.
Well done Tuco... You are becoming a badass quitter my friend.
Quit on!
TG - Thank you for making me completely forget about the "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014. That crap is NOT what this site is all about. Helping each other by sharing great stories like yours is what makes this site great. Nice job!
^^^ I echo my June brother, Spence's words. Thanks for being honest, well spoken, and to the point. You're winning this battle, ODAAT. Btw... sweet screen name! If you want to chat Breaking Bad, PM me. You should also PM me for my digits for extra accountability. Proud to quit with you guys like you, Tuco (that felt wrong knowing who Tuco is). Seriously, it's because of guys like you, I still get excited to quit EDD. Keep rocking it, brother!
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.
Thanks for sharing, Tuco -- refreshing to get acquainted with someone that has their head screwed on straight and appreciates one of the finer places in the country (Maine). Similar to you, I'll be making my first nic-free trip there in a few weeks -- and can't wait to appreciate the surroundings that much more without worrying about when I'll be able to sneak off for some cancer fertilizer, or coming up with bullshit excuses about why I need to go to the general store at odd hours of the day.
Thanks for making my quit stronger today. Quit on.
Well done Tuco... You are becoming a badass quitter my friend.
Quit on!
TG - Thank you for making me completely forget about the "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014. That crap is NOT what this site is all about. Helping each other by sharing great stories like yours is what makes this site great. Nice job!
^^^ I echo my June brother, Spence's words. Thanks for being honest, well spoken, and to the point. You're winning this battle, ODAAT. Btw... sweet screen name! If you want to chat Breaking Bad, PM me. You should also PM me for my digits for extra accountability. Proud to quit with you guys like you, Tuco (that felt wrong knowing who Tuco is). Seriously, it's because of guys like you, I still get excited to quit EDD. Keep rocking it, brother!
I want to pile on here. You have some great support and a good start. Keep the attitude in like like you have it, and learn all you can. Make all the friends you can to help you stay accountable and so serve as support when it gets tough. It will alternate- tough times, and good times. Over time, it gets much better, fast. Take time to enjoy the freedom as you become aware of how good it all feels! j
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.
Thanks for sharing, Tuco -- refreshing to get acquainted with someone that has their head screwed on straight and appreciates one of the finer places in the country (Maine). Similar to you, I'll be making my first nic-free trip there in a few weeks -- and can't wait to appreciate the surroundings that much more without worrying about when I'll be able to sneak off for some cancer fertilizer, or coming up with bullshit excuses about why I need to go to the general store at odd hours of the day.
Thanks for making my quit stronger today. Quit on.
Well done Tuco... You are becoming a badass quitter my friend.
Quit on!
TG - Thank you for making me completely forget about the "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014. That crap is NOT what this site is all about. Helping each other by sharing great stories like yours is what makes this site great. Nice job!
^^^ I echo my June brother, Spence's words. Thanks for being honest, well spoken, and to the point. You're winning this battle, ODAAT. Btw... sweet screen name! If you want to chat Breaking Bad, PM me. You should also PM me for my digits for extra accountability. Proud to quit with you guys like you, Tuco (that felt wrong knowing who Tuco is). Seriously, it's because of guys like you, I still get excited to quit EDD. Keep rocking it, brother!
I want to pile on here. You have some great support and a good start. Keep the attitude in like like you have it, and learn all you can. Make all the friends you can to help you stay accountable and so serve as support when it gets tough. It will alternate- tough times, and good times. Over time, it gets much better, fast. Take time to enjoy the freedom as you become aware of how good it all feels! j
Proud to have you with us. Quit one day at a time and get involved here.
I'm quit with you today.
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.
Thanks for sharing, Tuco -- refreshing to get acquainted with someone that has their head screwed on straight and appreciates one of the finer places in the country (Maine). Similar to you, I'll be making my first nic-free trip there in a few weeks -- and can't wait to appreciate the surroundings that much more without worrying about when I'll be able to sneak off for some cancer fertilizer, or coming up with bullshit excuses about why I need to go to the general store at odd hours of the day.
Thanks for making my quit stronger today. Quit on.
Well done Tuco... You are becoming a badass quitter my friend.
Quit on!
TG - Thank you for making me completely forget about the "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014. That crap is NOT what this site is all about. Helping each other by sharing great stories like yours is what makes this site great. Nice job!
^^^ I echo my June brother, Spence's words. Thanks for being honest, well spoken, and to the point. You're winning this battle, ODAAT. Btw... sweet screen name! If you want to chat Breaking Bad, PM me. You should also PM me for my digits for extra accountability. Proud to quit with you guys like you, Tuco (that felt wrong knowing who Tuco is). Seriously, it's because of guys like you, I still get excited to quit EDD. Keep rocking it, brother!
Great narrative Tuco. Good therapy to share, and to even better therapy to get straight feedback and support from your quit brothers. The quit gets more solid every day. And your pride will grow. I quit with you today. Nice job.
ZC
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.
Thanks for sharing, Tuco -- refreshing to get acquainted with someone that has their head screwed on straight and appreciates one of the finer places in the country (Maine). Similar to you, I'll be making my first nic-free trip there in a few weeks -- and can't wait to appreciate the surroundings that much more without worrying about when I'll be able to sneak off for some cancer fertilizer, or coming up with bullshit excuses about why I need to go to the general store at odd hours of the day.
Thanks for making my quit stronger today. Quit on.
Well done Tuco... You are becoming a badass quitter my friend.
Quit on!
TG - Thank you for making me completely forget about the "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014. That crap is NOT what this site is all about. Helping each other by sharing great stories like yours is what makes this site great. Nice job!
^^^ I echo my June brother, Spence's words. Thanks for being honest, well spoken, and to the point. You're winning this battle, ODAAT. Btw... sweet screen name! If you want to chat Breaking Bad, PM me. You should also PM me for my digits for extra accountability. Proud to quit with you guys like you, Tuco (that felt wrong knowing who Tuco is). Seriously, it's because of guys like you, I still get excited to quit EDD. Keep rocking it, brother!
I want to pile on here. You have some great support and a good start. Keep the attitude in like like you have it, and learn all you can. Make all the friends you can to help you stay accountable and so serve as support when it gets tough. It will alternate- tough times, and good times. Over time, it gets much better, fast. Take time to enjoy the freedom as you become aware of how good it all feels! j
Proud to have you with us. Quit one day at a time and get involved here.
I'm quit with you today.
A tip- keep a log here as you go, and refer back to it. You write well. It will help you later- by creating a record of what you never want to go through again. And it will help others all along the way.
Quit on!
-
Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...
I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?
The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.
Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.
Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund (http://www.jimmyfund.org/). Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.
Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.
Tuco
*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.
**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.
***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.
****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.
Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.
this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.
a big well done.
Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.
Thanks for sharing, Tuco -- refreshing to get acquainted with someone that has their head screwed on straight and appreciates one of the finer places in the country (Maine). Similar to you, I'll be making my first nic-free trip there in a few weeks -- and can't wait to appreciate the surroundings that much more without worrying about when I'll be able to sneak off for some cancer fertilizer, or coming up with bullshit excuses about why I need to go to the general store at odd hours of the day.
Thanks for making my quit stronger today. Quit on.
Well done Tuco... You are becoming a badass quitter my friend.
Quit on!
TG - Thank you for making me completely forget about the "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014. That crap is NOT what this site is all about. Helping each other by sharing great stories like yours is what makes this site great. Nice job!
^^^ I echo my June brother, Spence's words. Thanks for being honest, well spoken, and to the point. You're winning this battle, ODAAT. Btw... sweet screen name! If you want to chat Breaking Bad, PM me. You should also PM me for my digits for extra accountability. Proud to quit with you guys like you, Tuco (that felt wrong knowing who Tuco is). Seriously, it's because of guys like you, I still get excited to quit EDD. Keep rocking it, brother!
I want to pile on here. You have some great support and a good start. Keep the attitude in like like you have it, and learn all you can. Make all the friends you can to help you stay accountable and so serve as support when it gets tough. It will alternate- tough times, and good times. Over time, it gets much better, fast. Take time to enjoy the freedom as you become aware of how good it all feels! j
Proud to have you with us. Quit one day at a time and get involved here.
I'm quit with you today.
A tip- keep a log here as you go, and refer back to it. You write well. It will help you later- by creating a record of what you never want to go through again. And it will help others all along the way.
Quit on!
Great intro. Damn proud to quit with you. Keep up the bad ass quit.
-
Another day tuco. This is hump day! 'boob'
-
Sitting here winding down Day 19. 19 days nic free. 19 rotations of our planet with 0.0% nicotine intake. In a much smaller sense, it's roughly 5% of 1 calendar year sans nic, but I'm not worried about years right now. I'm worried about days. Around here, we tend to make a pretty big deal about the concept of "days" and what they mean in the context of being quit. We tend to want to set expectations and rationalize based on days removed from nicotine. For example, upon the 3rd day of cessation, all traces of nicotine should be flushed from the system. However, certain byproducts such as cotinine have a much longer half life and can persist for weeks in the body. In some ways this is all irrelevant as any person on day 4 or beyond can attest, since the strength and duration of craves can be every bit as potent as those from days 1-3.
One thing I've discovered about KTC is that there are no shortage of gems on this site, and one of my recent favorites is referring to dip as "cancer fertilizer". As it turns out, it is brain receptor fertilizer as well. This is a tad elementary, so bear with me here. While we spent years throwing in one lipper after the next, we were actively conditioning certain receptors in our brains to be highly-tuned, reward-seeking sonsabitches. Day after day, can after can, we were putting those particular receptors on an unrelenting strength and conditioning program where the supreme reward is a cool shot of dopamine. The whole process starts within 10-20 seconds of nicotine intake and once that hit of dopamine begins to wane, those receptors gradually increase in number and strength as they clamor for more of the good stuff - over and over again. Other physically addictive drugs such as cocaine or heroin actually erode that sort of neural sensitivity, but not nicotine. Nicotine is a fucking genius. It strengthens those receptors and increases their numbers so there is a stronger, more unyielding desire to absorb more nicotine which in turn straps a big old dopamine feedbag on for the receptors. That all seems fairly insidious enough until you get to the real kicker: that particular brain chemistry can persist for months after you quit. Months.
So, what prompted me to write about all of this? Aside from taking some time to step back a bit and put my own quit history into perspective, I've also been struggling a bit with what to say to my freshly quit brothers on days 1-3. The standard refrain is to tell them that the nicotine is completely clear within 3 days and after that it's all "mental", but that's really shortchanging what's actually going on once you quit nicotine for any length of time. The fact is, it is not just a mental game of mind over matter once the nicotine is gone from your system. You are not a mentally weak person because you get intense craves days, weeks, and even months after you've quit. It's not the nicotine, but rather the dopamine. You and all of your rapid-fire synapses for reason and logic (the very ones that dictate the fact that you are making a promise each day to not use nicotine) are doing battle with those dopamine-starved receptors that are like a combined Tiger, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Jordan, and Lebron all in their collective primes. They are used to clutch hits, making last second shots, and KO's in the first round. They don't wither away once the last trace of nicotine has been flushed out. They don't shrivel up and cower in the corner, because it's day 4 and you just posted roll triumphantly. If only it were that easy.
The fact is, the only way to beat them is with time and starvation. First with minutes at a time. Then hours at a time. Finally, with days at a time. Let them scream, beg, plead, punch, kick, claw, and grasp all they want while you slowly starve them. One day at a time. Once that steady supply of rewards has ceased, they will start to lose strength and begin to atrophy. The smaller and more starved they get, the less frequent and powerful the craves become. Sometimes after a few weeks and even a few months they will gang up for an occasional full-frontal assault or even a covert pys-ops to try and get you to cave. Don't relent. Keep starving them one day at a time. Eventually, they will wither and shrink down to a pathetic little nub that is mostly dormant, but one that will never fully go away. You'll never evict them completely - you'll just beat them into relative submission so that you barely notice them anymore.
As I learn more about myself and my addiction, this is how I am starting to frame this whole concept of "days". Starve the fuckers. One day at a time.
-
Sitting here winding down Day 19. 19 days nic free. 19 rotations of our planet with 0.0% nicotine intake. In a much smaller sense, it's roughly 5% of 1 calendar year sans nic, but I'm not worried about years right now. I'm worried about days. Around here, we tend to make a pretty big deal about the concept of "days" and what they mean in the context of being quit. We tend to want to set expectations and rationalize based on days removed from nicotine. For example, upon the 3rd day of cessation, all traces of nicotine should be flushed from the system. However, certain byproducts such as cotinine have a much longer half life and can persist for weeks in the body. In some ways this is all irrelevant as any person on day 4 or beyond can attest, since the strength and duration of craves can be every bit as potent as those from days 1-3.
One thing I've discovered about KTC is that there are no shortage of gems on this site, and one of my recent favorites is referring to dip as "cancer fertilizer". As it turns out, it is brain receptor fertilizer as well. This is a tad elementary, so bear with me here. While we spent years throwing in one lipper after the next, we were actively conditioning certain receptors in our brains to be highly-tuned, reward-seeking sonsabitches. Day after day, can after can, we were putting those particular receptors on an unrelenting strength and conditioning program where the supreme reward is a cool shot of dopamine. The whole process starts within 10-20 seconds of nicotine intake and once that hit of dopamine begins to wane, those receptors gradually increase in number and strength as they clamor for more of the good stuff - over and over again. Other physically addictive drugs such as cocaine or heroin actually erode that sort of neural sensitivity, but not nicotine. Nicotine is a fucking genius. It strengthens those receptors and increases their numbers so there is a stronger, more unyielding desire to absorb more nicotine which in turn straps a big old dopamine feedbag on for the receptors. That all seems fairly insidious enough until you get to the real kicker: that particular brain chemistry can persist for months after you quit. Months.
So, what prompted me to write about all of this? Aside from taking some time to step back a bit and put my own quit history into perspective, I've also been struggling a bit with what to say to my freshly quit brothers on days 1-3. The standard refrain is to tell them that the nicotine is completely clear within 3 days and after that it's all "mental", but that's really shortchanging what's actually going on once you quit nicotine for any length of time. The fact is, it is not just a mental game of mind over matter once the nicotine is gone from your system. You are not a mentally weak person because you get intense craves days, weeks, and even months after you've quit. It's not the nicotine, but rather the dopamine. You and all of your rapid-fire synapses for reason and logic (the very ones that dictate the fact that you are making a promise each day to not use nicotine) are doing battle with those dopamine-starved receptors that are like a combined Tiger, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Jordan, and Lebron all in their collective primes. They are used to clutch hits, making last second shots, and KO's in the first round. They don't wither away once the last trace of nicotine has been flushed out. They don't shrivel up and cower in the corner, because it's day 4 and you just posted roll triumphantly. If only it were that easy.
The fact is, the only way to beat them is with time and starvation. First with minutes at a time. Then hours at a time. Finally, with days at a time. Let them scream, beg, plead, punch, kick, claw, and grasp all they want while you slowly starve them. One day at a time. Once that steady supply of rewards has ceased, they will start to lose strength and begin to atrophy. The smaller and more starved they get, the less frequent and powerful the craves become. Sometimes after a few weeks and even a few months they will gang up for an occasional full-frontal assault or even a covert pys-ops to try and get you to cave. Don't relent. Keep starving them one day at a time. Eventually, they will wither and shrink down to a pathetic little nub that is mostly dormant, but one that will never fully go away. You'll never evict them completely - you'll just beat them into relative submission so that you barely notice them anymore.
As I learn more about myself and my addiction, this is how I am starting to frame this whole concept of "days". Starve the fuckers. One day at a time.
Awesome! Great breakdown of the battle and the path to victory. That is exactly how it is. Fight is just getting started after 3 days. If all it took was 3 days every poor slave would be free. The battle takes time. 100 days is just the start, but it does get to a point where you starve the receptors into submission. There is a point when not using nicotine becomes the bodys' new normal, and the daily battle to stay quit is like being stationed is Japan for WWII peace-keeping today... Big thing about getting through day 1 is knowing you can go one day without using the poison; each day after that just proves exponentially that you can make it through one more day. Stay focused on adding one more day until you break through to the easy quit.
T.G., you are doing it right! Keep drinking the kool-aide my brother.
-
Sitting here winding down Day 19. 19 days nic free. 19 rotations of our planet with 0.0% nicotine intake. In a much smaller sense, it's roughly 5% of 1 calendar year sans nic, but I'm not worried about years right now. I'm worried about days. Around here, we tend to make a pretty big deal about the concept of "days" and what they mean in the context of being quit. We tend to want to set expectations and rationalize based on days removed from nicotine. For example, upon the 3rd day of cessation, all traces of nicotine should be flushed from the system. However, certain byproducts such as cotinine have a much longer half life and can persist for weeks in the body. In some ways this is all irrelevant as any person on day 4 or beyond can attest, since the strength and duration of craves can be every bit as potent as those from days 1-3.
One thing I've discovered about KTC is that there are no shortage of gems on this site, and one of my recent favorites is referring to dip as "cancer fertilizer". As it turns out, it is brain receptor fertilizer as well. This is a tad elementary, so bear with me here. While we spent years throwing in one lipper after the next, we were actively conditioning certain receptors in our brains to be highly-tuned, reward-seeking sonsabitches. Day after day, can after can, we were putting those particular receptors on an unrelenting strength and conditioning program where the supreme reward is a cool shot of dopamine. The whole process starts within 10-20 seconds of nicotine intake and once that hit of dopamine begins to wane, those receptors gradually increase in number and strength as they clamor for more of the good stuff - over and over again. Other physically addictive drugs such as cocaine or heroin actually erode that sort of neural sensitivity, but not nicotine. Nicotine is a fucking genius. It strengthens those receptors and increases their numbers so there is a stronger, more unyielding desire to absorb more nicotine which in turn straps a big old dopamine feedbag on for the receptors. That all seems fairly insidious enough until you get to the real kicker: that particular brain chemistry can persist for months after you quit. Months.
So, what prompted me to write about all of this? Aside from taking some time to step back a bit and put my own quit history into perspective, I've also been struggling a bit with what to say to my freshly quit brothers on days 1-3. The standard refrain is to tell them that the nicotine is completely clear within 3 days and after that it's all "mental", but that's really shortchanging what's actually going on once you quit nicotine for any length of time. The fact is, it is not just a mental game of mind over matter once the nicotine is gone from your system. You are not a mentally weak person because you get intense craves days, weeks, and even months after you've quit. It's not the nicotine, but rather the dopamine. You and all of your rapid-fire synapses for reason and logic (the very ones that dictate the fact that you are making a promise each day to not use nicotine) are doing battle with those dopamine-starved receptors that are like a combined Tiger, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Jordan, and Lebron all in their collective primes. They are used to clutch hits, making last second shots, and KO's in the first round. They don't wither away once the last trace of nicotine has been flushed out. They don't shrivel up and cower in the corner, because it's day 4 and you just posted roll triumphantly. If only it were that easy.
The fact is, the only way to beat them is with time and starvation. First with minutes at a time. Then hours at a time. Finally, with days at a time. Let them scream, beg, plead, punch, kick, claw, and grasp all they want while you slowly starve them. One day at a time. Once that steady supply of rewards has ceased, they will start to lose strength and begin to atrophy. The smaller and more starved they get, the less frequent and powerful the craves become. Sometimes after a few weeks and even a few months they will gang up for an occasional full-frontal assault or even a covert pys-ops to try and get you to cave. Don't relent. Keep starving them one day at a time. Eventually, they will wither and shrink down to a pathetic little nub that is mostly dormant, but one that will never fully go away. You'll never evict them completely - you'll just beat them into relative submission so that you barely notice them anymore.
As I learn more about myself and my addiction, this is how I am starting to frame this whole concept of "days". Starve the fuckers. One day at a time.
Awesome! Great breakdown of the battle and the path to victory. That is exactly how it is. Fight is just getting started after 3 days. If all it took was 3 days every poor slave would be free. The battle takes time. 100 days is just the start, but it does get to a point where you starve the receptors into submission. There is a point when not using nicotine becomes the bodys' new normal, and the daily battle to stay quit is like being stationed is Japan for WWII peace-keeping today... Big thing about getting through day 1 is knowing you can go one day without using the poison; each day after that just proves exponentially that you can make it through one more day. Stay focused on adding one more day until you break through to the easy quit.
T.G., you are doing it right! Keep drinking the kool-aide my brother.
Awesome post, Tuco.
In my entire Quit, I have always been 'in awe' of those guys that say, "Day 3 was the worst." I do not have that experience. In fact, without the occasional great day here and there, I was completly - COMPLETELY - worthless for my first 250 days or so. I seriously could not differentiate Day 1, from Day 10, to Day 100. I was seriously going through the motions and watching all these guys around me having these overwhelming feelings of freedom. But not me.
But for me, around Day 250, it happened. I could put a coherent sentence together. My focus was back. I could multi-task like I could years earlier. It had happened, and it continues to happen.
Stay strong new guys, just becuause you are not feeling the 'mental' game right now, and it may feel more physical, doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. You're doing it right.
-
Sitting here winding down Day 19. 19 days nic free. 19 rotations of our planet with 0.0% nicotine intake. In a much smaller sense, it's roughly 5% of 1 calendar year sans nic, but I'm not worried about years right now. I'm worried about days. Around here, we tend to make a pretty big deal about the concept of "days" and what they mean in the context of being quit. We tend to want to set expectations and rationalize based on days removed from nicotine. For example, upon the 3rd day of cessation, all traces of nicotine should be flushed from the system. However, certain byproducts such as cotinine have a much longer half life and can persist for weeks in the body. In some ways this is all irrelevant as any person on day 4 or beyond can attest, since the strength and duration of craves can be every bit as potent as those from days 1-3.
One thing I've discovered about KTC is that there are no shortage of gems on this site, and one of my recent favorites is referring to dip as "cancer fertilizer". As it turns out, it is brain receptor fertilizer as well. This is a tad elementary, so bear with me here. While we spent years throwing in one lipper after the next, we were actively conditioning certain receptors in our brains to be highly-tuned, reward-seeking sonsabitches. Day after day, can after can, we were putting those particular receptors on an unrelenting strength and conditioning program where the supreme reward is a cool shot of dopamine. The whole process starts within 10-20 seconds of nicotine intake and once that hit of dopamine begins to wane, those receptors gradually increase in number and strength as they clamor for more of the good stuff - over and over again. Other physically addictive drugs such as cocaine or heroin actually erode that sort of neural sensitivity, but not nicotine. Nicotine is a fucking genius. It strengthens those receptors and increases their numbers so there is a stronger, more unyielding desire to absorb more nicotine which in turn straps a big old dopamine feedbag on for the receptors. That all seems fairly insidious enough until you get to the real kicker: that particular brain chemistry can persist for months after you quit. Months.
So, what prompted me to write about all of this? Aside from taking some time to step back a bit and put my own quit history into perspective, I've also been struggling a bit with what to say to my freshly quit brothers on days 1-3. The standard refrain is to tell them that the nicotine is completely clear within 3 days and after that it's all "mental", but that's really shortchanging what's actually going on once you quit nicotine for any length of time. The fact is, it is not just a mental game of mind over matter once the nicotine is gone from your system. You are not a mentally weak person because you get intense craves days, weeks, and even months after you've quit. It's not the nicotine, but rather the dopamine. You and all of your rapid-fire synapses for reason and logic (the very ones that dictate the fact that you are making a promise each day to not use nicotine) are doing battle with those dopamine-starved receptors that are like a combined Tiger, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Jordan, and Lebron all in their collective primes. They are used to clutch hits, making last second shots, and KO's in the first round. They don't wither away once the last trace of nicotine has been flushed out. They don't shrivel up and cower in the corner, because it's day 4 and you just posted roll triumphantly. If only it were that easy.
The fact is, the only way to beat them is with time and starvation. First with minutes at a time. Then hours at a time. Finally, with days at a time. Let them scream, beg, plead, punch, kick, claw, and grasp all they want while you slowly starve them. One day at a time. Once that steady supply of rewards has ceased, they will start to lose strength and begin to atrophy. The smaller and more starved they get, the less frequent and powerful the craves become. Sometimes after a few weeks and even a few months they will gang up for an occasional full-frontal assault or even a covert pys-ops to try and get you to cave. Don't relent. Keep starving them one day at a time. Eventually, they will wither and shrink down to a pathetic little nub that is mostly dormant, but one that will never fully go away. You'll never evict them completely - you'll just beat them into relative submission so that you barely notice them anymore.
As I learn more about myself and my addiction, this is how I am starting to frame this whole concept of "days". Starve the fuckers. One day at a time.
Awesome! Great breakdown of the battle and the path to victory. That is exactly how it is. Fight is just getting started after 3 days. If all it took was 3 days every poor slave would be free. The battle takes time. 100 days is just the start, but it does get to a point where you starve the receptors into submission. There is a point when not using nicotine becomes the bodys' new normal, and the daily battle to stay quit is like being stationed is Japan for WWII peace-keeping today... Big thing about getting through day 1 is knowing you can go one day without using the poison; each day after that just proves exponentially that you can make it through one more day. Stay focused on adding one more day until you break through to the easy quit.
T.G., you are doing it right! Keep drinking the kool-aide my brother.
Awesome post, Tuco.
In my entire Quit, I have always been 'in awe' of those guys that say, "Day 3 was the worst." I do not have that experience. In fact, without the occasional great day here and there, I was completly - COMPLETELY - worthless for my first 250 days or so. I seriously could not differentiate Day 1, from Day 10, to Day 100. I was seriously going through the motions and watching all these guys around me having these overwhelming feelings of freedom. But not me.
But for me, around Day 250, it happened. I could put a coherent sentence together. My focus was back. I could multi-task like I could years earlier. It had happened, and it continues to happen.
Stay strong new guys, just becuause you are not feeling the 'mental' game right now, and it may feel more physical, doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. You're doing it right.
Great job learning what you're dealing with! There's the starving them out, and then the ones that remain, that need to remain because they help the brain function, still have to be retrained. The only what to do that is one crave at a time, one day at a time. You're doing it. It gets better fast. It was alwasy tough for me to get when someone told me it gets better after x days, but it does get better- i had no comparison because i was an active addict all my adult life. Keep it up Tuco!
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Sitting here winding down Day 19. 19 days nic free. 19 rotations of our planet with 0.0% nicotine intake. In a much smaller sense, it's roughly 5% of 1 calendar year sans nic, but I'm not worried about years right now. I'm worried about days. Around here, we tend to make a pretty big deal about the concept of "days" and what they mean in the context of being quit. We tend to want to set expectations and rationalize based on days removed from nicotine. For example, upon the 3rd day of cessation, all traces of nicotine should be flushed from the system. However, certain byproducts such as cotinine have a much longer half life and can persist for weeks in the body. In some ways this is all irrelevant as any person on day 4 or beyond can attest, since the strength and duration of craves can be every bit as potent as those from days 1-3.
One thing I've discovered about KTC is that there are no shortage of gems on this site, and one of my recent favorites is referring to dip as "cancer fertilizer". As it turns out, it is brain receptor fertilizer as well. This is a tad elementary, so bear with me here. While we spent years throwing in one lipper after the next, we were actively conditioning certain receptors in our brains to be highly-tuned, reward-seeking sonsabitches. Day after day, can after can, we were putting those particular receptors on an unrelenting strength and conditioning program where the supreme reward is a cool shot of dopamine. The whole process starts within 10-20 seconds of nicotine intake and once that hit of dopamine begins to wane, those receptors gradually increase in number and strength as they clamor for more of the good stuff - over and over again. Other physically addictive drugs such as cocaine or heroin actually erode that sort of neural sensitivity, but not nicotine. Nicotine is a fucking genius. It strengthens those receptors and increases their numbers so there is a stronger, more unyielding desire to absorb more nicotine which in turn straps a big old dopamine feedbag on for the receptors. That all seems fairly insidious enough until you get to the real kicker: that particular brain chemistry can persist for months after you quit. Months.
So, what prompted me to write about all of this? Aside from taking some time to step back a bit and put my own quit history into perspective, I've also been struggling a bit with what to say to my freshly quit brothers on days 1-3. The standard refrain is to tell them that the nicotine is completely clear within 3 days and after that it's all "mental", but that's really shortchanging what's actually going on once you quit nicotine for any length of time. The fact is, it is not just a mental game of mind over matter once the nicotine is gone from your system. You are not a mentally weak person because you get intense craves days, weeks, and even months after you've quit. It's not the nicotine, but rather the dopamine. You and all of your rapid-fire synapses for reason and logic (the very ones that dictate the fact that you are making a promise each day to not use nicotine) are doing battle with those dopamine-starved receptors that are like a combined Tiger, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Jordan, and Lebron all in their collective primes. They are used to clutch hits, making last second shots, and KO's in the first round. They don't wither away once the last trace of nicotine has been flushed out. They don't shrivel up and cower in the corner, because it's day 4 and you just posted roll triumphantly. If only it were that easy.
The fact is, the only way to beat them is with time and starvation. First with minutes at a time. Then hours at a time. Finally, with days at a time. Let them scream, beg, plead, punch, kick, claw, and grasp all they want while you slowly starve them. One day at a time. Once that steady supply of rewards has ceased, they will start to lose strength and begin to atrophy. The smaller and more starved they get, the less frequent and powerful the craves become. Sometimes after a few weeks and even a few months they will gang up for an occasional full-frontal assault or even a covert pys-ops to try and get you to cave. Don't relent. Keep starving them one day at a time. Eventually, they will wither and shrink down to a pathetic little nub that is mostly dormant, but one that will never fully go away. You'll never evict them completely - you'll just beat them into relative submission so that you barely notice them anymore.
As I learn more about myself and my addiction, this is how I am starting to frame this whole concept of "days". Starve the fuckers. One day at a time.
Awesome! Great breakdown of the battle and the path to victory. That is exactly how it is. Fight is just getting started after 3 days. If all it took was 3 days every poor slave would be free. The battle takes time. 100 days is just the start, but it does get to a point where you starve the receptors into submission. There is a point when not using nicotine becomes the bodys' new normal, and the daily battle to stay quit is like being stationed is Japan for WWII peace-keeping today... Big thing about getting through day 1 is knowing you can go one day without using the poison; each day after that just proves exponentially that you can make it through one more day. Stay focused on adding one more day until you break through to the easy quit.
T.G., you are doing it right! Keep drinking the kool-aide my brother.
Awesome post, Tuco.
In my entire Quit, I have always been 'in awe' of those guys that say, "Day 3 was the worst." I do not have that experience. In fact, without the occasional great day here and there, I was completly - COMPLETELY - worthless for my first 250 days or so. I seriously could not differentiate Day 1, from Day 10, to Day 100. I was seriously going through the motions and watching all these guys around me having these overwhelming feelings of freedom. But not me.
But for me, around Day 250, it happened. I could put a coherent sentence together. My focus was back. I could multi-task like I could years earlier. It had happened, and it continues to happen.
Stay strong new guys, just becuause you are not feeling the 'mental' game right now, and it may feel more physical, doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. You're doing it right.
Great job learning what you're dealing with! There's the starving them out, and then the ones that remain, that need to remain because they help the brain function, still have to be retrained. The only what to do that is one crave at a time, one day at a time. You're doing it. It gets better fast. It was alwasy tough for me to get when someone told me it gets better after x days, but it does get better- i had no comparison because i was an active addict all my adult life. Keep it up Tuco!
Nice Tuco. Nice.
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Day 30.
Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.
Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)
I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.
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Another great post Tuco. You were one of the first guys to welcome me to the stone cold quitters and have been not only been a bad azz quitter but also a great supporter of many of our quits. Thanks man. Keep on Quittin"!
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Day 30.
Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.
Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)
I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.
Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.
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Day 30.
Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.
Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)
I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.
Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.
Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.
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Day 30.
Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.
Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)
I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.
Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.
Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.
Great post Tuco ... proud of the way you're owning your quit.
If I was you, I would cut this out and put it over in December ... and it should get bumped a bunch for the newbs!
Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
You are carrying a lot of strength and resolve here at KTC ... great to see, thanks for strengthening mine with this latest post (all of it)!
PS: Glad you enjoyed the time away ... weather is getting similar up here in NW Wisconsin (love it).
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Day 30.
Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.
Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)
I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.
Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.
Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.
Great post Tuco ... proud of the way you're owning your quit.
If I was you, I would cut this out and put it over in December ... and it should get bumped a bunch for the newbs!
Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
You are carrying a lot of strength and resolve here at KTC ... great to see, thanks for strengthening mine with this latest post (all of it)!
PS: Glad you enjoyed the time away ... weather is getting similar up here in NW Wisconsin (love it).
Nice post tuco. You get how this works. Damn proud to quit with you today.
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Day 30.
Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.
Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)
I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.
Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.
Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.
Great post Tuco ... proud of the way you're owning your quit.
If I was you, I would cut this out and put it over in December ... and it should get bumped a bunch for the newbs!
Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
You are carrying a lot of strength and resolve here at KTC ... great to see, thanks for strengthening mine with this latest post (all of it)!
PS: Glad you enjoyed the time away ... weather is getting similar up here in NW Wisconsin (love it).
Nice post tuco. You get how this works. Damn proud to quit with you today.
Keep posting this is great stuff. You'll appreciate the record you create here later, and it will help new quitters daily to see how you are doing it. This is serious stuff, one hell of an addiction--it's evil and wrong that it's even legal. AND you can beat it, one day at a time!
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Not sure why I’m thinking about it so much lately, but I’ve been running through a particular ‘cave post-mortem’ in my mind a good bit these past few days.
They say that dwelling on the past is about as productive as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. While that is certainly true, I've always believed in the axiom that those that don't study the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them in the future. For some reason, my thoughts keep wandering back to my most recent stop beginning in early February and lasting almost to the end of March. Not so much a lament of what could have or should have been, but rather the why. Why did I go almost 2 months completely cold turkey and then just up and cave? What happened in those nearly 2 months that made me ultimately decide it was ok to completely throw away everything I had fought for?
Thinking back on why I quit, and as many of you guys with young families can relate, this is the time when many of us opt for extra life insurance to protect our families should something happen to us. Part of the application process is getting a blood test where they check for all manner of things - including evidence of tobacco use. A few days before the physical, my wife reminded me that they would be looking for nicotine and asked somewhat hesitantly if I would be clean. Up to that point, she thought that I would very occasionally dip with a buddy of mine when we got together for beers, fishing, tying flies, etc. I lied and told her it had been months since I had dipped and that everything should be Ok. Then, in a panic I went to the Google machine and tried to find out as much as I could about nicotine detection in blood tests. As it turns out, nicotine has a very short half-life and (as we all know) is completely out of the system within 72 hours. However, a different byproduct called cotinine can remain in the system anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks. Guess which one the insurance companies look for. The next night I "came clean" to my wife and told her that while I hadn't been dipping, I had been using those (ratfucked) Commit lozenges on occasion and that the blood test would still be able to detect those. She was pretty annoyed at my obvious weakness for not being able to give up those lozenges, but she was relatively understanding and got on the phone to reschedule the physical for later in the month.
While I was relieved to have seemingly dodged that bullet of my wife finding out the truth, I still had to deal with the stark reality that my one and only option was to quit cold turkey. I quickly accepted my fate, stocked up on a ton of trident gum, and even came to the KTC main site to read "inspirational articles" and reviews on various brands of fake stuff. Day by day, I white knuckled my way through that quit. I even went out to California for a week for work; which I thought would be a huge trigger. In the past, work trips were coveted time since it meant I could go full-on dippus uninteruptus. No risk of getting caught when you're 3,000 miles away. I even confided in a work buddy over beers one night while I was out there that I had finally kicked the shit a few weeks prior. He was literally the one and only person that I told I had quit dipping. Towards the end of March, the entire family packed up and headed down to visit my folks in Florida. The first 3 or 4 days we were there were absolutely no sweat. I had zero triggers other than some dull nagging craves when I would drink. Later in the week we went to Disney for a few days. Granted, going to Disney can be an utterly demoralizing, nuts in a car door experience, but the first day and a half were smooth sailing. Then, for some reason that I still for the life of me can't recall, it somehow came to mind to get a tin and go to town on that bitch. I don't mean get a tin for "just one" and then chuck it. I mean, tackle that fucker end-to-end, top-to-bottom, and side-to-side. So, that's exactly what I did. After we got back to the hotel at the end of the second day, I made up some bullshit excuse about needing to gas up the car before we leave in the morning since it's "really sketchy" in and around Orlando. After googling “places to buy chewing tobacco at Disney World” (cringe), I took off like a man on a mission, found a gas station with a c-store up the road and plunked down the cash for a fresh tin.
I probably polished off half of the tin that night - most of which was while my wife and daughter slept in the bed right beside me. I remember waking up the next day feeling next to zero remorse. Frankly, my chief concern at that point was how I was going to smuggle that tin safely out of there since my wife and I were sharing a suitcase. Of course, I figured out a way to stash it in one of the pockets of my pants and then successfully packed it away while my wife was none the wiser. Cave complete.
Why am I writing all of this? Quite literally, I had no idea why until I just finished typing out the final recounting of what happened. The fact that this particular cave had been bugging me quite a bit was apparent, but the reasons for the cave werenÂ’t so obvious until I took a step back, put pen to paper, and started to connect the dots. Now, the reasons why I caved are gin clear:
1) I didn't quit for me, I quit for an insurance blood test.
2) I based my quit on a foundation of lies.
3) I browsed KTC a bit, but I never joined, never participated, and certainly never posted roll.
4) I told exactly 1 person outside of my wife that I had quit. (Way to build that accountability.)
5) I reached for my phone and googled places to buy a can at WDW, rather than shoot an SOS to my quit brothers that were never there to begin with.
So what lead me to cave, exactly? Was it because I had waited in so many endless fucking lines to get on the Dumbo ride yet again? Or was it because I was on vacation and just wanted to relax and really enjoy myself just like the good old days? It was none of those things. I could have caved because the sky was blue or my rental car was a Nissan. I was still going to cave. It was inevitable. Not a matter of if, but when. Just looking at the trail of cave crumbs I left along the way from Day 1 and it is becoming so painfully obvious to me now.
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Not sure why I’m thinking about it so much lately, but I’ve been running through a particular ‘cave post-mortem’ in my mind a good bit these past few days.
They say that dwelling on the past is about as productive as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. While that is certainly true, I've always believed in the axiom that those that don't study the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them in the future. For some reason, my thoughts keep wandering back to my most recent stop beginning in early February and lasting almost to the end of March. Not so much a lament of what could have or should have been, but rather the why. Why did I go almost 2 months completely cold turkey and then just up and cave? What happened in those nearly 2 months that made me ultimately decide it was ok to completely throw away everything I had fought for?
Thinking back on why I quit, and as many of you guys with young families can relate, this is the time when many of us opt for extra life insurance to protect our families should something happen to us. Part of the application process is getting a blood test where they check for all manner of things - including evidence of tobacco use. A few days before the physical, my wife reminded me that they would be looking for nicotine and asked somewhat hesitantly if I would be clean. Up to that point, she thought that I would very occasionally dip with a buddy of mine when we got together for beers, fishing, tying flies, etc. I lied and told her it had been months since I had dipped and that everything should be Ok. Then, in a panic I went to the Google machine and tried to find out as much as I could about nicotine detection in blood tests. As it turns out, nicotine has a very short half-life and (as we all know) is completely out of the system within 72 hours. However, a different byproduct called cotinine can remain in the system anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks. Guess which one the insurance companies look for. The next night I "came clean" to my wife and told her that while I hadn't been dipping, I had been using those (ratfucked) Commit lozenges on occasion and that the blood test would still be able to detect those. She was pretty annoyed at my obvious weakness for not being able to give up those lozenges, but she was relatively understanding and got on the phone to reschedule the physical for later in the month.
While I was relieved to have seemingly dodged that bullet of my wife finding out the truth, I still had to deal with the stark reality that my one and only option was to quit cold turkey. I quickly accepted my fate, stocked up on a ton of trident gum, and even came to the KTC main site to read "inspirational articles" and reviews on various brands of fake stuff. Day by day, I white knuckled my way through that quit. I even went out to California for a week for work; which I thought would be a huge trigger. In the past, work trips were coveted time since it meant I could go full-on dippus uninteruptus. No risk of getting caught when you're 3,000 miles away. I even confided in a work buddy over beers one night while I was out there that I had finally kicked the shit a few weeks prior. He was literally the one and only person that I told I had quit dipping. Towards the end of March, the entire family packed up and headed down to visit my folks in Florida. The first 3 or 4 days we were there were absolutely no sweat. I had zero triggers other than some dull nagging craves when I would drink. Later in the week we went to Disney for a few days. Granted, going to Disney can be an utterly demoralizing, nuts in a car door experience, but the first day and a half were smooth sailing. Then, for some reason that I still for the life of me can't recall, it somehow came to mind to get a tin and go to town on that bitch. I don't mean get a tin for "just one" and then chuck it. I mean, tackle that fucker end-to-end, top-to-bottom, and side-to-side. So, that's exactly what I did. After we got back to the hotel at the end of the second day, I made up some bullshit excuse about needing to gas up the car before we leave in the morning since it's "really sketchy" in and around Orlando. After googling “places to buy chewing tobacco at Disney World” (cringe), I took off like a man on a mission, found a gas station with a c-store up the road and plunked down the cash for a fresh tin.
I probably polished off half of the tin that night - most of which was while my wife and daughter slept in the bed right beside me. I remember waking up the next day feeling next to zero remorse. Frankly, my chief concern at that point was how I was going to smuggle that tin safely out of there since my wife and I were sharing a suitcase. Of course, I figured out a way to stash it in one of the pockets of my pants and then successfully packed it away while my wife was none the wiser. Cave complete.
Why am I writing all of this? Quite literally, I had no idea why until I just finished typing out the final recounting of what happened. The fact that this particular cave had been bugging me quite a bit was apparent, but the reasons for the cave werenÂ’t so obvious until I took a step back, put pen to paper, and started to connect the dots. Now, the reasons why I caved are gin clear:
1) I didn't quit for me, I quit for an insurance blood test.
2) I based my quit on a foundation of lies.
3) I browsed KTC a bit, but I never joined, never participated, and certainly never posted roll.
4) I told exactly 1 person outside of my wife that I had quit. (Way to build that accountability.)
5) I reached for my phone and googled places to buy a can at WDW, rather than shoot an SOS to my quit brothers that were never there to begin with.
So what lead me to cave, exactly? Was it because I had waited in so many endless fucking lines to get on the Dumbo ride yet again? Or was it because I was on vacation and just wanted to relax and really enjoy myself just like the good old days? It was none of those things. I could have caved because the sky was blue or my rental car was a Nissan. I was still going to cave. It was inevitable. Not a matter of if, but when. Just looking at the trail of cave crumbs I left along the way from Day 1 and it is becoming so painfully obvious to me now.
Keep posting this good stuff Tuco. It'll help you and others. Dwelling on the past isn't productive but reflecting on it and learning from it is positive. Quit with you any day.
-
Not sure why I’m thinking about it so much lately, but I’ve been running through a particular ‘cave post-mortem’ in my mind a good bit these past few days.
They say that dwelling on the past is about as productive as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. While that is certainly true, I've always believed in the axiom that those that don't study the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them in the future. For some reason, my thoughts keep wandering back to my most recent stop beginning in early February and lasting almost to the end of March. Not so much a lament of what could have or should have been, but rather the why. Why did I go almost 2 months completely cold turkey and then just up and cave? What happened in those nearly 2 months that made me ultimately decide it was ok to completely throw away everything I had fought for?
Thinking back on why I quit, and as many of you guys with young families can relate, this is the time when many of us opt for extra life insurance to protect our families should something happen to us. Part of the application process is getting a blood test where they check for all manner of things - including evidence of tobacco use. A few days before the physical, my wife reminded me that they would be looking for nicotine and asked somewhat hesitantly if I would be clean. Up to that point, she thought that I would very occasionally dip with a buddy of mine when we got together for beers, fishing, tying flies, etc. I lied and told her it had been months since I had dipped and that everything should be Ok. Then, in a panic I went to the Google machine and tried to find out as much as I could about nicotine detection in blood tests. As it turns out, nicotine has a very short half-life and (as we all know) is completely out of the system within 72 hours. However, a different byproduct called cotinine can remain in the system anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks. Guess which one the insurance companies look for. The next night I "came clean" to my wife and told her that while I hadn't been dipping, I had been using those (ratfucked) Commit lozenges on occasion and that the blood test would still be able to detect those. She was pretty annoyed at my obvious weakness for not being able to give up those lozenges, but she was relatively understanding and got on the phone to reschedule the physical for later in the month.
While I was relieved to have seemingly dodged that bullet of my wife finding out the truth, I still had to deal with the stark reality that my one and only option was to quit cold turkey. I quickly accepted my fate, stocked up on a ton of trident gum, and even came to the KTC main site to read "inspirational articles" and reviews on various brands of fake stuff. Day by day, I white knuckled my way through that quit. I even went out to California for a week for work; which I thought would be a huge trigger. In the past, work trips were coveted time since it meant I could go full-on dippus uninteruptus. No risk of getting caught when you're 3,000 miles away. I even confided in a work buddy over beers one night while I was out there that I had finally kicked the shit a few weeks prior. He was literally the one and only person that I told I had quit dipping. Towards the end of March, the entire family packed up and headed down to visit my folks in Florida. The first 3 or 4 days we were there were absolutely no sweat. I had zero triggers other than some dull nagging craves when I would drink. Later in the week we went to Disney for a few days. Granted, going to Disney can be an utterly demoralizing, nuts in a car door experience, but the first day and a half were smooth sailing. Then, for some reason that I still for the life of me can't recall, it somehow came to mind to get a tin and go to town on that bitch. I don't mean get a tin for "just one" and then chuck it. I mean, tackle that fucker end-to-end, top-to-bottom, and side-to-side. So, that's exactly what I did. After we got back to the hotel at the end of the second day, I made up some bullshit excuse about needing to gas up the car before we leave in the morning since it's "really sketchy" in and around Orlando. After googling “places to buy chewing tobacco at Disney World” (cringe), I took off like a man on a mission, found a gas station with a c-store up the road and plunked down the cash for a fresh tin.
I probably polished off half of the tin that night - most of which was while my wife and daughter slept in the bed right beside me. I remember waking up the next day feeling next to zero remorse. Frankly, my chief concern at that point was how I was going to smuggle that tin safely out of there since my wife and I were sharing a suitcase. Of course, I figured out a way to stash it in one of the pockets of my pants and then successfully packed it away while my wife was none the wiser. Cave complete.
Why am I writing all of this? Quite literally, I had no idea why until I just finished typing out the final recounting of what happened. The fact that this particular cave had been bugging me quite a bit was apparent, but the reasons for the cave werenÂ’t so obvious until I took a step back, put pen to paper, and started to connect the dots. Now, the reasons why I caved are gin clear:
1) I didn't quit for me, I quit for an insurance blood test.
2) I based my quit on a foundation of lies.
3) I browsed KTC a bit, but I never joined, never participated, and certainly never posted roll.
4) I told exactly 1 person outside of my wife that I had quit. (Way to build that accountability.)
5) I reached for my phone and googled places to buy a can at WDW, rather than shoot an SOS to my quit brothers that were never there to begin with.
So what lead me to cave, exactly? Was it because I had waited in so many endless fucking lines to get on the Dumbo ride yet again? Or was it because I was on vacation and just wanted to relax and really enjoy myself just like the good old days? It was none of those things. I could have caved because the sky was blue or my rental car was a Nissan. I was still going to cave. It was inevitable. Not a matter of if, but when. Just looking at the trail of cave crumbs I left along the way from Day 1 and it is becoming so painfully obvious to me now.
Keep posting this good stuff Tuco. It'll help you and others. Dwelling on the past isn't productive but reflecting on it and learning from it is positive. Quit with you any day.
Good post. You are facing your addiction head on and not pulling any punches. Fuck nic.
-
Not sure why I’m thinking about it so much lately, but I’ve been running through a particular ‘cave post-mortem’ in my mind a good bit these past few days.
They say that dwelling on the past is about as productive as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. While that is certainly true, I've always believed in the axiom that those that don't study the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them in the future. For some reason, my thoughts keep wandering back to my most recent stop beginning in early February and lasting almost to the end of March. Not so much a lament of what could have or should have been, but rather the why. Why did I go almost 2 months completely cold turkey and then just up and cave? What happened in those nearly 2 months that made me ultimately decide it was ok to completely throw away everything I had fought for?
Thinking back on why I quit, and as many of you guys with young families can relate, this is the time when many of us opt for extra life insurance to protect our families should something happen to us. Part of the application process is getting a blood test where they check for all manner of things - including evidence of tobacco use. A few days before the physical, my wife reminded me that they would be looking for nicotine and asked somewhat hesitantly if I would be clean. Up to that point, she thought that I would very occasionally dip with a buddy of mine when we got together for beers, fishing, tying flies, etc. I lied and told her it had been months since I had dipped and that everything should be Ok. Then, in a panic I went to the Google machine and tried to find out as much as I could about nicotine detection in blood tests. As it turns out, nicotine has a very short half-life and (as we all know) is completely out of the system within 72 hours. However, a different byproduct called cotinine can remain in the system anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks. Guess which one the insurance companies look for. The next night I "came clean" to my wife and told her that while I hadn't been dipping, I had been using those (ratfucked) Commit lozenges on occasion and that the blood test would still be able to detect those. She was pretty annoyed at my obvious weakness for not being able to give up those lozenges, but she was relatively understanding and got on the phone to reschedule the physical for later in the month.
While I was relieved to have seemingly dodged that bullet of my wife finding out the truth, I still had to deal with the stark reality that my one and only option was to quit cold turkey. I quickly accepted my fate, stocked up on a ton of trident gum, and even came to the KTC main site to read "inspirational articles" and reviews on various brands of fake stuff. Day by day, I white knuckled my way through that quit. I even went out to California for a week for work; which I thought would be a huge trigger. In the past, work trips were coveted time since it meant I could go full-on dippus uninteruptus. No risk of getting caught when you're 3,000 miles away. I even confided in a work buddy over beers one night while I was out there that I had finally kicked the shit a few weeks prior. He was literally the one and only person that I told I had quit dipping. Towards the end of March, the entire family packed up and headed down to visit my folks in Florida. The first 3 or 4 days we were there were absolutely no sweat. I had zero triggers other than some dull nagging craves when I would drink. Later in the week we went to Disney for a few days. Granted, going to Disney can be an utterly demoralizing, nuts in a car door experience, but the first day and a half were smooth sailing. Then, for some reason that I still for the life of me can't recall, it somehow came to mind to get a tin and go to town on that bitch. I don't mean get a tin for "just one" and then chuck it. I mean, tackle that fucker end-to-end, top-to-bottom, and side-to-side. So, that's exactly what I did. After we got back to the hotel at the end of the second day, I made up some bullshit excuse about needing to gas up the car before we leave in the morning since it's "really sketchy" in and around Orlando. After googling “places to buy chewing tobacco at Disney World” (cringe), I took off like a man on a mission, found a gas station with a c-store up the road and plunked down the cash for a fresh tin.
I probably polished off half of the tin that night - most of which was while my wife and daughter slept in the bed right beside me. I remember waking up the next day feeling next to zero remorse. Frankly, my chief concern at that point was how I was going to smuggle that tin safely out of there since my wife and I were sharing a suitcase. Of course, I figured out a way to stash it in one of the pockets of my pants and then successfully packed it away while my wife was none the wiser. Cave complete.
Why am I writing all of this? Quite literally, I had no idea why until I just finished typing out the final recounting of what happened. The fact that this particular cave had been bugging me quite a bit was apparent, but the reasons for the cave werenÂ’t so obvious until I took a step back, put pen to paper, and started to connect the dots. Now, the reasons why I caved are gin clear:
1) I didn't quit for me, I quit for an insurance blood test.
2) I based my quit on a foundation of lies.
3) I browsed KTC a bit, but I never joined, never participated, and certainly never posted roll.
4) I told exactly 1 person outside of my wife that I had quit. (Way to build that accountability.)
5) I reached for my phone and googled places to buy a can at WDW, rather than shoot an SOS to my quit brothers that were never there to begin with.
So what lead me to cave, exactly? Was it because I had waited in so many endless fucking lines to get on the Dumbo ride yet again? Or was it because I was on vacation and just wanted to relax and really enjoy myself just like the good old days? It was none of those things. I could have caved because the sky was blue or my rental car was a Nissan. I was still going to cave. It was inevitable. Not a matter of if, but when. Just looking at the trail of cave crumbs I left along the way from Day 1 and it is becoming so painfully obvious to me now.
Keep posting this good stuff Tuco. It'll help you and others. Dwelling on the past isn't productive but reflecting on it and learning from it is positive. Quit with you any day.
Good post. You are facing your addiction head on and not pulling any punches. Fuck nic.
Tuco, you have made it very clear from the get go that you have been a habitual stopper and caver before coming here. That took guts from the get go. When people cave and come back to answer the 3 questions, if they put in half the effort of self reflection you have been putting into your past experiences we would be considerably more gracious to them in welcoming them back. You, my friend, have taken the quit to a whole new level.
The knowledge you kick through self reflection and past experience is making my quit stronger as well as many others. Your quit is inspiring. Don't ever stop again, keep quitting, and in doing so you'll be helping to save the lives of many others. You are a F'in badass quitter.
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It's a Breaking Bad thing, I get it now! Proud to be quit with you today.
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Day 30.
Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.
Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)
I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.
Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.
Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.
Great Job Tuco. Freedom on all fronts is a powerful thing. You're not alone. Glad you're here and doing it hardcore!
-
Day 30.
Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.
Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?
Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)
I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.
Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.
Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.
Great Job Tuco. Freedom on all fronts is a powerful thing. You're not alone. Glad you're here and doing it hardcore!
:wub:
-
I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.
However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.
Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.
Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.
-
I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.
However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.
Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.
Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.
This is awesome tuco. Never thought of giving that power to the wife to build some trust back. Hell of an idea. Quit with you today.
-
I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.
However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.
Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.
Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.
This is awesome tuco. Never thought of giving that power to the wife to build some trust back. Hell of an idea. Quit with you today.
Good stuff Tuco. My wife has been cautiously optimistic. Every time a big weekend rolls around, when I have guy stuff planned she gets nervous. I might have to get some of those piss testers just to keep her mind at ease. I know I'm quit but it's much harder for her to believe it.
The only way we can prove our quit is one day at a time.
-
I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.
However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.
Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.
Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.
This is awesome tuco. Never thought of giving that power to the wife to build some trust back. Hell of an idea. Quit with you today.
Good stuff Tuco. My wife has been cautiously optimistic. Every time a big weekend rolls around, when I have guy stuff planned she gets nervous. I might have to get some of those piss testers just to keep her mind at ease. I know I'm quit but it's much harder for her to believe it.
The only way we can prove our quit is one day at a time.
Tuco, everything you just said is a great path to follow. Countless guys would probably wonder why their wife couldn't just trust them and might even get mad at her for it. The simple fact is that they can't trust us because we've spent a whole lot longer burning that bridge than building it. The fact that you can sympathize with that and find a constructive solution is awesome.
-
I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.
However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.
Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.
Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.
This is awesome tuco. Never thought of giving that power to the wife to build some trust back. Hell of an idea. Quit with you today.
Good stuff Tuco. My wife has been cautiously optimistic. Every time a big weekend rolls around, when I have guy stuff planned she gets nervous. I might have to get some of those piss testers just to keep her mind at ease. I know I'm quit but it's much harder for her to believe it.
The only way we can prove our quit is one day at a time.
Tuco, everything you just said is a great path to follow. Countless guys would probably wonder why their wife couldn't just trust them and might even get mad at her for it. The simple fact is that they can't trust us because we've spent a whole lot longer burning that bridge than building it. The fact that you can sympathize with that and find a constructive solution is awesome.
In all honesty, I'm trying to become the Dr. Phil of KTC. I just need to grow a mustache and get my horseshoe haircut swagger going.
-
I'm a big fan of transparency, especially when it comes to matters relating to my quit. I'm finding that it helps every bit as much to be transparent as it does to be accountable. Over the past number of weeks I have received digits from at least a 2-3 dozen of you. Even more of you now have mine. My accountability in a quit has never been higher, and it helps me feel like I'm standing on bedrock when I get up each day and promise to be nic-free.
However, something has been nagging at me for the past few days, and I haven't been able to shake it. I went out fishing with a former dipping buddy of mine the other night and faced down what I thought was going to be a massive trigger. In the end, it turned out to be a complete non-factor and the thought of caving even the tiniest bit never once crossed my mind. I had a few craves, sure, but I dealt with those as I've dealt with all of the rest - seeds, gum, water, breathing, etc. What was nagging at me was the fact that I could tell that my wife was more uneasy about me going fishing than I was. She knows what a cat turd fest those used to be for me and reminded me several times that I am accountable to her and kept asking me not to dip. I had already made my pledge, so naturally caving was not an option.
Then it hit me: the last time I quit it was for a life insurance physical. There are ways of checking to make sure that someone is on the up and up at any moment. So with that in mind, I went on Amazon and bought a 10 pack of cotinine test strips. The cost was under $10 and my wife understands that she can pull a "surprise inspection" on me any time she pleases. For me, it's not about living under a constant threat of being piss-tested as a motivator. Rather, it's all about wanting to be 100% transparent with her after so many years of lies. I think she was a little blown away by the fact that I even suggested it, but gaining that long term trust back through some simple transparency is more important to me than anything. If peeing on a stick will rebuild that trust, pass the water and sign me up.
Since I'm accountable to you all as well, I'd be more than happy to share the results whenever she decides to start tossing bunks.
This is awesome tuco. Never thought of giving that power to the wife to build some trust back. Hell of an idea. Quit with you today.
Good stuff Tuco. My wife has been cautiously optimistic. Every time a big weekend rolls around, when I have guy stuff planned she gets nervous. I might have to get some of those piss testers just to keep her mind at ease. I know I'm quit but it's much harder for her to believe it.
The only way we can prove our quit is one day at a time.
Tuco, everything you just said is a great path to follow. Countless guys would probably wonder why their wife couldn't just trust them and might even get mad at her for it. The simple fact is that they can't trust us because we've spent a whole lot longer burning that bridge than building it. The fact that you can sympathize with that and find a constructive solution is awesome.
In all honesty, I'm trying to become the Dr. Phil of KTC. I just need to grow a mustache and get my horseshoe haircut swagger going.
Make sure you take a picture and share when you grow that push broom stache. Keep the quit and the thought flowing. Your quit is helping others. Quit on Tuco
-
Day 52: Reentry
After having crossed over the 50 day mark, it feels like I am finally beginning my reentry back into some semblance of normalcy. I haven't been posting as much lately, other than roll first thing each day. That doesn't indicate a drift on my part - more the ebb and flow that I somewhat knew to expect heading into this final quit. More on that in a bit.
I remember reading somewhere back on my first few days on KTC about how you need to devote 100% of your time, focus, and energy on your quit for at least the first 30 days. Aside from feeding and taking care of myself and my daughter, that's exactly what I did. Frankly, I had no choice. Quitting nicotine cold turkey was and has been a difficult and all-consuming decision that I have had to forcefully renew each and every day. That largely meant most other aspects of daily life took a backseat. The lawn looked like an unkempt prairie more often than not. The recycling bins were overflowing regularly. Dog hair began to collect and form tumbleweeds in the hallways and living areas. The owner of my gym emailed me to find out if I had gone completely MIA. Oh, and I had been, at best, 2% productive at work for the entire month of August.
By the time early September rolled around and I had crossed the 30 day mark, a chilly funk had settled in. I was extremely happy to be quit, but I felt like the rest of my life was turning into an untended garden - full of weeds and overripe fruit. Around the same time, my company had previously announced that due to budget reasons, most US-based employees would have to take what was essentially a furlough the week of Labor Day. I won't go into all of the reasons as to why this was a total cockpunch move on their part, but suffice it to say that I had already taken my vacation time this Summer and would have to cancel other plans as a result. Since my wife had to work and my daughter had her first week in her new class, I was stuck on the homefront more or less tending to all of those domestic things that I had been neglecting. I also took on a project of painting several pieces of furniture that turned into a multi-day affair. It was something about that painting project in particular that led me to an almost meditative place where I got completely lost in my own mind for hours at a time. I was largely away from KTC, but still very much consumed with thoughts of quitting and my addiction in general. I can't even begin to cover the full spectrum of places where my thoughts wound up, but I will say that it was like being in my own "fortress of solitude" for a few days. I'm thankful for that kind of time, but also thankful that it was only temporary. Being in your own head 24/7 can lead to some strange, circular, and neurotic thoughts after a while...
So, back to posting on KTC and other general updates/musings:- Circumstances being what they are, the brief hiatus from actively posting on KTC has been a mix of good, bad, and necessary. In many respects, it was better for me to step back briefly and take stock of my own quit and not the quits of others. At the same time, I simply could not and cannot continue the torrid pace of near zero productivity that I had going at work for over a month. I finally reached a place mentally where the focus and motivation that have been missing for weeks have begun to return. It's like seeing the sunrise after a long, cold night outside. On the other hand, I have not been nearly as vocal and supportive of the November and December 2014 groups as I have wanted to be. From here and now, I will strive to find that balance.
- After the owner of my gym put out an APB on me a few weeks back, I finally went back in last Monday and have been 3 other times since. The atmosphere at my gym is more like a small, tight-knit community and I initially felt a lot of nervousness about heading back in there after nearly a month away. I have more thoughts related to this which I will do as a separate post, but ultimately it was a huge relief to be back under a bar again.
- The first post-quit dentist visit came and went last week. In the past, I would always stop dipping at least 10-14 days prior to any dentist appointments to give my gums some time to heal and avoid any lectures about dipping. I'd always blame the nasty stains on the backs of my teeth on drinking coffee while the hygienist mercilessly scraped away at them with her pick. After this last visit and getting a positive overall review from the dentist, I am absolutely resolute in my commitment to make this the last time Attila The Hygienist ever scrapes even a shred of dip stain from my teeth.
- I faced one of my more dreaded triggerfests this past weekend: a family camping trip with several other dippers. Prior to the trip, I texted a few of my quit brothers to let them know I'd be off in the wilderness and to solicit opinions on whether drinking at all should be on the table. It was a mixed verdict, but ultimately the message was to only do it if I was absolutely 100% certain that it wouldn't jeopardize my quit in any way. I went into the weekend 100% resolute to stay quit no matter what, so I didn't actively plan to have a beer and I brought some old cans of fake stuff along as an emergency measure. The weekend went along pretty easily. At one point, one dipper mentioned spotting some seeds in my car and asked if I had quit. I used that as an opportunity to wholeheartedly confirm that I had almost 50 days under my belt and plugged KTC several times along the way. After pouring rain literally non-stop the whole day on Saturday, it finally started to clear around 10:00 - just after the last of the wives and kids had gone off to bed. In years past, this would have meant the green light to commence dipping, but not this time. I was about ready to call it a night myself when one of the guys pulled out cans of Heady Topper he had stashed in his cooler and passed them around. If you're any kind of beer fan, you know or have heard about HT and how hard it is to get. I graciously accepted the can, cracked it open, took a long whiff and a light sip. It was truly awesome and a fitting reintroduction to beer after almost 50 days of quit-mandated abstinence. I nursed that one beer for over an hour while some of the other guys packed one cat turd after the next into their lips. At one point about halfway through that beer, I got that "itch" again. It wasn't overwhelming, or even particularly strong, but I decided to reach for some of the fake stuff for the first time in a long, long time to try and mitigate that itch. That lump of fake cat turd stayed in my mouth all of 15 seconds before I chucked it into the fire. It felt about as satisfying to me as chewing on a handful of buttons. Just...nothing. However, I kept looking around at the others with their lips packed with devil's dirt and felt that same thing....nothing. It feels like I won a piece of me back this weekend.
-
Day 52: Reentry
After having crossed over the 50 day mark, it feels like I am finally beginning my reentry back into some semblance of normalcy. I haven't been posting as much lately, other than roll first thing each day. That doesn't indicate a drift on my part - more the ebb and flow that I somewhat knew to expect heading into this final quit. More on that in a bit.
I remember reading somewhere back on my first few days on KTC about how you need to devote 100% of your time, focus, and energy on your quit for at least the first 30 days. Aside from feeding and taking care of myself and my daughter, that's exactly what I did. Frankly, I had no choice. Quitting nicotine cold turkey was and has been a difficult and all-consuming decision that I have had to forcefully renew each and every day. That largely meant most other aspects of daily life took a backseat. The lawn looked like an unkempt prairie more often than not. The recycling bins were overflowing regularly. Dog hair began to collect and form tumbleweeds in the hallways and living areas. The owner of my gym emailed me to find out if I had gone completely MIA. Oh, and I had been, at best, 2% productive at work for the entire month of August.
By the time early September rolled around and I had crossed the 30 day mark, a chilly funk had settled in. I was extremely happy to be quit, but I felt like the rest of my life was turning into an untended garden - full of weeds and overripe fruit. Around the same time, my company had previously announced that due to budget reasons, most US-based employees would have to take what was essentially a furlough the week of Labor Day. I won't go into all of the reasons as to why this was a total cockpunch move on their part, but suffice it to say that I had already taken my vacation time this Summer and would have to cancel other plans as a result. Since my wife had to work and my daughter had her first week in her new class, I was stuck on the homefront more or less tending to all of those domestic things that I had been neglecting. I also took on a project of painting several pieces of furniture that turned into a multi-day affair. It was something about that painting project in particular that led me to an almost meditative place where I got completely lost in my own mind for hours at a time. I was largely away from KTC, but still very much consumed with thoughts of quitting and my addiction in general. I can't even begin to cover the full spectrum of places where my thoughts wound up, but I will say that it was like being in my own "fortress of solitude" for a few days. I'm thankful for that kind of time, but also thankful that it was only temporary. Being in your own head 24/7 can lead to some strange, circular, and neurotic thoughts after a while...
So, back to posting on KTC and other general updates/musings:- Circumstances being what they are, the brief hiatus from actively posting on KTC has been a mix of good, bad, and necessary. In many respects, it was better for me to step back briefly and take stock of my own quit and not the quits of others. At the same time, I simply could not and cannot continue the torrid pace of near zero productivity that I had going at work for over a month. I finally reached a place mentally where the focus and motivation that have been missing for weeks have begun to return. It's like seeing the sunrise after a long, cold night outside. On the other hand, I have not been nearly as vocal and supportive of the November and December 2014 groups as I have wanted to be. From here and now, I will strive to find that balance.
- After the owner of my gym put out an APB on me a few weeks back, I finally went back in last Monday and have been 3 other times since. The atmosphere at my gym is more like a small, tight-knit community and I initially felt a lot of nervousness about heading back in there after nearly a month away. I have more thoughts related to this which I will do as a separate post, but ultimately it was a huge relief to be back under a bar again.
- The first post-quit dentist visit came and went last week. In the past, I would always stop dipping at least 10-14 days prior to any dentist appointments to give my gums some time to heal and avoid any lectures about dipping. I'd always blame the nasty stains on the backs of my teeth on drinking coffee while the hygienist mercilessly scraped away at them with her pick. After this last visit and getting a positive overall review from the dentist, I am absolutely resolute in my commitment to make this the last time Attila The Hygienist ever scrapes even a shred of dip stain from my teeth.
- I faced one of my more dreaded triggerfests this past weekend: a family camping trip with several other dippers. Prior to the trip, I texted a few of my quit brothers to let them know I'd be off in the wilderness and to solicit opinions on whether drinking at all should be on the table. It was a mixed verdict, but ultimately the message was to only do it if I was absolutely 100% certain that it wouldn't jeopardize my quit in any way. I went into the weekend 100% resolute to stay quit no matter what, so I didn't actively plan to have a beer and I brought some old cans of fake stuff along as an emergency measure. The weekend went along pretty easily. At one point, one dipper mentioned spotting some seeds in my car and asked if I had quit. I used that as an opportunity to wholeheartedly confirm that I had almost 50 days under my belt and plugged KTC several times along the way. After pouring rain literally non-stop the whole day on Saturday, it finally started to clear around 10:00 - just after the last of the wives and kids had gone off to bed. In years past, this would have meant the green light to commence dipping, but not this time. I was about ready to call it a night myself when one of the guys pulled out cans of Heady Topper he had stashed in his cooler and passed them around. If you're any kind of beer fan, you know or have heard about HT and how hard it is to get. I graciously accepted the can, cracked it open, took a long whiff and a light sip. It was truly awesome and a fitting reintroduction to beer after almost 50 days of quit-mandated abstinence. I nursed that one beer for over an hour while some of the other guys packed one cat turd after the next into their lips. At one point about halfway through that beer, I got that "itch" again. It wasn't overwhelming, or even particularly strong, but I decided to reach for some of the fake stuff for the first time in a long, long time to try and mitigate that itch. That lump of fake cat turd stayed in my mouth all of 15 seconds before I chucked it into the fire. It felt about as satisfying to me as chewing on a handful of buttons. Just...nothing. However, I kept looking around at the others with their lips packed with devil's dirt and felt that same thing....nothing. It feels like I won a piece of me back this weekend.
This is awesome bro, glad to have you here at KTC.
-
Day 52: Reentry
After having crossed over the 50 day mark, it feels like I am finally beginning my reentry back into some semblance of normalcy. I haven't been posting as much lately, other than roll first thing each day. That doesn't indicate a drift on my part - more the ebb and flow that I somewhat knew to expect heading into this final quit. More on that in a bit.
I remember reading somewhere back on my first few days on KTC about how you need to devote 100% of your time, focus, and energy on your quit for at least the first 30 days. Aside from feeding and taking care of myself and my daughter, that's exactly what I did. Frankly, I had no choice. Quitting nicotine cold turkey was and has been a difficult and all-consuming decision that I have had to forcefully renew each and every day. That largely meant most other aspects of daily life took a backseat. The lawn looked like an unkempt prairie more often than not. The recycling bins were overflowing regularly. Dog hair began to collect and form tumbleweeds in the hallways and living areas. The owner of my gym emailed me to find out if I had gone completely MIA. Oh, and I had been, at best, 2% productive at work for the entire month of August.
By the time early September rolled around and I had crossed the 30 day mark, a chilly funk had settled in. I was extremely happy to be quit, but I felt like the rest of my life was turning into an untended garden - full of weeds and overripe fruit. Around the same time, my company had previously announced that due to budget reasons, most US-based employees would have to take what was essentially a furlough the week of Labor Day. I won't go into all of the reasons as to why this was a total cockpunch move on their part, but suffice it to say that I had already taken my vacation time this Summer and would have to cancel other plans as a result. Since my wife had to work and my daughter had her first week in her new class, I was stuck on the homefront more or less tending to all of those domestic things that I had been neglecting. I also took on a project of painting several pieces of furniture that turned into a multi-day affair. It was something about that painting project in particular that led me to an almost meditative place where I got completely lost in my own mind for hours at a time. I was largely away from KTC, but still very much consumed with thoughts of quitting and my addiction in general. I can't even begin to cover the full spectrum of places where my thoughts wound up, but I will say that it was like being in my own "fortress of solitude" for a few days. I'm thankful for that kind of time, but also thankful that it was only temporary. Being in your own head 24/7 can lead to some strange, circular, and neurotic thoughts after a while...
So, back to posting on KTC and other general updates/musings:- Circumstances being what they are, the brief hiatus from actively posting on KTC has been a mix of good, bad, and necessary. In many respects, it was better for me to step back briefly and take stock of my own quit and not the quits of others. At the same time, I simply could not and cannot continue the torrid pace of near zero productivity that I had going at work for over a month. I finally reached a place mentally where the focus and motivation that have been missing for weeks have begun to return. It's like seeing the sunrise after a long, cold night outside. On the other hand, I have not been nearly as vocal and supportive of the November and December 2014 groups as I have wanted to be. From here and now, I will strive to find that balance.
- After the owner of my gym put out an APB on me a few weeks back, I finally went back in last Monday and have been 3 other times since. The atmosphere at my gym is more like a small, tight-knit community and I initially felt a lot of nervousness about heading back in there after nearly a month away. I have more thoughts related to this which I will do as a separate post, but ultimately it was a huge relief to be back under a bar again.
- The first post-quit dentist visit came and went last week. In the past, I would always stop dipping at least 10-14 days prior to any dentist appointments to give my gums some time to heal and avoid any lectures about dipping. I'd always blame the nasty stains on the backs of my teeth on drinking coffee while the hygienist mercilessly scraped away at them with her pick. After this last visit and getting a positive overall review from the dentist, I am absolutely resolute in my commitment to make this the last time Attila The Hygienist ever scrapes even a shred of dip stain from my teeth.
- I faced one of my more dreaded triggerfests this past weekend: a family camping trip with several other dippers. Prior to the trip, I texted a few of my quit brothers to let them know I'd be off in the wilderness and to solicit opinions on whether drinking at all should be on the table. It was a mixed verdict, but ultimately the message was to only do it if I was absolutely 100% certain that it wouldn't jeopardize my quit in any way. I went into the weekend 100% resolute to stay quit no matter what, so I didn't actively plan to have a beer and I brought some old cans of fake stuff along as an emergency measure. The weekend went along pretty easily. At one point, one dipper mentioned spotting some seeds in my car and asked if I had quit. I used that as an opportunity to wholeheartedly confirm that I had almost 50 days under my belt and plugged KTC several times along the way. After pouring rain literally non-stop the whole day on Saturday, it finally started to clear around 10:00 - just after the last of the wives and kids had gone off to bed. In years past, this would have meant the green light to commence dipping, but not this time. I was about ready to call it a night myself when one of the guys pulled out cans of Heady Topper he had stashed in his cooler and passed them around. If you're any kind of beer fan, you know or have heard about HT and how hard it is to get. I graciously accepted the can, cracked it open, took a long whiff and a light sip. It was truly awesome and a fitting reintroduction to beer after almost 50 days of quit-mandated abstinence. I nursed that one beer for over an hour while some of the other guys packed one cat turd after the next into their lips. At one point about halfway through that beer, I got that "itch" again. It wasn't overwhelming, or even particularly strong, but I decided to reach for some of the fake stuff for the first time in a long, long time to try and mitigate that itch. That lump of fake cat turd stayed in my mouth all of 15 seconds before I chucked it into the fire. It felt about as satisfying to me as chewing on a handful of buttons. Just...nothing. However, I kept looking around at the others with their lips packed with devil's dirt and felt that same thing....nothing. It feels like I won a piece of me back this weekend.
This is awesome bro, glad to have you here at KTC.
Great stuff Tuco! Keep beating those triggers ODAAT. Enjoy reading about your quit. Quit with you today
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Day 67: Grateful
I'm a little sleep-deprived today since I was out late last night, but my thoughts keep wandering back to how grateful I am to have found this place and especially for the folks I've been in regular touch with via PM's and texts. My reasons for being grateful are numerous, but last night was a shining recent example.
I went out with a buddy of mine that had moved to the west coast nearly 10 years ago, but very recently moved back. Life was much, much different back before he left. There were no wives, kids, mortgages, etc. We used to spend many a weeknight back then hanging out at sports pubs watching games, downing beers wings, and playing a shit ton of Golden Tee. Pretty much sums up my early to mid-twenties. Hanging out last night watching the A's/KC game, drinking a few lite beers, and playing 54 holes of Golden Tee for the first time since well before my daughter was born was a complete and total flashback to simpler times. It was familiar and awesome. Then all at once as I was leaving, the nic bitch came creeping back saying, "Hey, buddy. What a perfect throwback night, amiright? I know you're quit and all, but how awesome would it be to toss in a fatty on the ride home? Just like old times." My immediate and continued internal response to that was "no" and "fuck you", but I still caught myself noticing all of the c-stores I passed on the way home - thinking of the various times I had stopped in for a can. After I got home I went to bed feeling good about fighting off the nic bitch successfully once again.
After I got up this morning, I kept replaying the evening in my mind and going back to the nic bitch and her siren call. In years and "stops" in the past, last night would have almost certainly meant a cave for me. I always dipped in private, so I would naturally quit in private. Having zero accountability to anyone and zero support network to rely on would always translate to me caving eventually. The fact is, I wasn't going to cave at any point last night. Not even close. The instant that my mind even started to wander over in that direction, all I could think about was letting down the folks that have supported me and depended upon me for the past 67 days. Doing that was simply unthinkable.
This is why KTC works. Posting roll every day, building up your support network, and staying in continual touch with your quit brothers and sisters is like building your house of quit on fucking bedrock. So for that, I am grateful.
-
Day 67: Grateful
I'm a little sleep-deprived today since I was out late last night, but my thoughts keep wandering back to how grateful I am to have found this place and especially for the folks I've been in regular touch with via PM's and texts. My reasons for being grateful are numerous, but last night was a shining recent example.
I went out with a buddy of mine that had moved to the west coast nearly 10 years ago, but very recently moved back. Life was much, much different back before he left. There were no wives, kids, mortgages, etc. We used to spend many a weeknight back then hanging out at sports pubs watching games, downing beers wings, and playing a shit ton of Golden Tee. Pretty much sums up my early to mid-twenties. Hanging out last night watching the A's/KC game, drinking a few lite beers, and playing 54 holes of Golden Tee for the first time since well before my daughter was born was a complete and total flashback to simpler times. It was familiar and awesome. Then all at once as I was leaving, the nic bitch came creeping back saying, "Hey, buddy. What a perfect throwback night, amiright? I know you're quit and all, but how awesome would it be to toss in a fatty on the ride home? Just like old times." My immediate and continued internal response to that was "no" and "fuck you", but I still caught myself noticing all of the c-stores I passed on the way home - thinking of the various times I had stopped in for a can. After I got home I went to bed feeling good about fighting off the nic bitch successfully once again.
After I got up this morning, I kept replaying the evening in my mind and going back to the nic bitch and her siren call. In years and "stops" in the past, last night would have almost certainly meant a cave for me. I always dipped in private, so I would naturally quit in private. Having zero accountability to anyone and zero support network to rely on would always translate to me caving eventually. The fact is, I wasn't going to cave at any point last night. Not even close. The instant that my mind even started to wander over in that direction, all I could think about was letting down the folks that have supported me and depended upon me for the past 67 days. Doing that was simply unthinkable.
This is why KTC works. Posting roll every day, building up your support network, and staying in continual touch with your quit brothers and sisters is like building your house of quit on fucking bedrock. So for that, I am grateful.
Tuco - it's awesome reading this. Keep having a plan and following the KTC blueprint. When you follow it to the letter it's amazing how well it works. When you half-ass it like the retread cavers we've seen recently it doesn't work.
This made my quit stronger and I'm proud to quit with you.
-
Day 67: Grateful
I'm a little sleep-deprived today since I was out late last night, but my thoughts keep wandering back to how grateful I am to have found this place and especially for the folks I've been in regular touch with via PM's and texts. My reasons for being grateful are numerous, but last night was a shining recent example.
I went out with a buddy of mine that had moved to the west coast nearly 10 years ago, but very recently moved back. Life was much, much different back before he left. There were no wives, kids, mortgages, etc. We used to spend many a weeknight back then hanging out at sports pubs watching games, downing beers wings, and playing a shit ton of Golden Tee. Pretty much sums up my early to mid-twenties. Hanging out last night watching the A's/KC game, drinking a few lite beers, and playing 54 holes of Golden Tee for the first time since well before my daughter was born was a complete and total flashback to simpler times. It was familiar and awesome. Then all at once as I was leaving, the nic bitch came creeping back saying, "Hey, buddy. What a perfect throwback night, amiright? I know you're quit and all, but how awesome would it be to toss in a fatty on the ride home? Just like old times." My immediate and continued internal response to that was "no" and "fuck you", but I still caught myself noticing all of the c-stores I passed on the way home - thinking of the various times I had stopped in for a can. After I got home I went to bed feeling good about fighting off the nic bitch successfully once again.
After I got up this morning, I kept replaying the evening in my mind and going back to the nic bitch and her siren call. In years and "stops" in the past, last night would have almost certainly meant a cave for me. I always dipped in private, so I would naturally quit in private. Having zero accountability to anyone and zero support network to rely on would always translate to me caving eventually. The fact is, I wasn't going to cave at any point last night. Not even close. The instant that my mind even started to wander over in that direction, all I could think about was letting down the folks that have supported me and depended upon me for the past 67 days. Doing that was simply unthinkable.
This is why KTC works. Posting roll every day, building up your support network, and staying in continual touch with your quit brothers and sisters is like building your house of quit on fucking bedrock. So for that, I am grateful.
Tuco - it's awesome reading this. Keep having a plan and following the KTC blueprint. When you follow it to the letter it's amazing how well it works. When you half-ass it like the retread cavers we've seen recently it doesn't work.
This made my quit stronger and I'm proud to quit with you.
Tuco you sir are a badass quitter! The reason that other people cave is because they are no-talent assholes that need a crutch, you don't need a crutch and as you witnessed lastnight a "big fatty" isn't going to make anything better.
I quit with you today...oh and 'Finger' BIG TOBACCO!
P
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Day 67: Grateful
I'm a little sleep-deprived today since I was out late last night, but my thoughts keep wandering back to how grateful I am to have found this place and especially for the folks I've been in regular touch with via PM's and texts. My reasons for being grateful are numerous, but last night was a shining recent example.
I went out with a buddy of mine that had moved to the west coast nearly 10 years ago, but very recently moved back. Life was much, much different back before he left. There were no wives, kids, mortgages, etc. We used to spend many a weeknight back then hanging out at sports pubs watching games, downing beers wings, and playing a shit ton of Golden Tee. Pretty much sums up my early to mid-twenties. Hanging out last night watching the A's/KC game, drinking a few lite beers, and playing 54 holes of Golden Tee for the first time since well before my daughter was born was a complete and total flashback to simpler times. It was familiar and awesome. Then all at once as I was leaving, the nic bitch came creeping back saying, "Hey, buddy. What a perfect throwback night, amiright? I know you're quit and all, but how awesome would it be to toss in a fatty on the ride home? Just like old times." My immediate and continued internal response to that was "no" and "fuck you", but I still caught myself noticing all of the c-stores I passed on the way home - thinking of the various times I had stopped in for a can. After I got home I went to bed feeling good about fighting off the nic bitch successfully once again.
After I got up this morning, I kept replaying the evening in my mind and going back to the nic bitch and her siren call. In years and "stops" in the past, last night would have almost certainly meant a cave for me. I always dipped in private, so I would naturally quit in private. Having zero accountability to anyone and zero support network to rely on would always translate to me caving eventually. The fact is, I wasn't going to cave at any point last night. Not even close. The instant that my mind even started to wander over in that direction, all I could think about was letting down the folks that have supported me and depended upon me for the past 67 days. Doing that was simply unthinkable.
This is why KTC works. Posting roll every day, building up your support network, and staying in continual touch with your quit brothers and sisters is like building your house of quit on fucking bedrock. So for that, I am grateful.
Tuco - it's awesome reading this. Keep having a plan and following the KTC blueprint. When you follow it to the letter it's amazing how well it works. When you half-ass it like the retread cavers we've seen recently it doesn't work.
This made my quit stronger and I'm proud to quit with you.
Tuco you sir are a badass quitter! The reason that other people cave is because they are no-talent assholes that need a crutch, you don't need a crutch and as you witnessed lastnight a "big fatty" isn't going to make anything better.
I quit with you today...oh and 'Finger' BIG TOBACCO!
P
Tuco you are a bad ass. I love reading your intro thread. You "get it", and you will get to a place where the quitting is easy. Just keep doing what has gotten you here.
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Day 68
Shitty day KTC-wise, but I want to commit this to memory all the same.
Anytime a highly regarded and well-established veteran presence caves, that's going to send shockwaves across the site and through each of the groups. The reactions are quite literally all across the board. There's a mix of anger, disbelief, sadness, shock, disappointment, incredulity, forgiveness, empathy, etc. There's this perception that guys that have crossed into the Hall of Fame are somehow more durable in their quits and impervious to caves. We all know what a complete fallacy that is, but there it is - staring back at us when a highly regarded "badass" inexplicably decides to go back to fingering a can after an extended layoff.
After observing and participating in some of the general upheaval today, trying to make some sense out of it, I keep coming back to how this all is somehow part of the bigger picture. Part of the natural ecosystem and lifecycle of addiction and recovery. An analogy that comes to mind are forest fires. Many of my relatives are firefighters in eastern Oregon, and out there forest fires are a fact of life year in and year out. I've seen the damage and destruction firsthand when I was growing up. The bare smoldering, charred trunks of cedar and pine trees as far as the eye could see. Entire neighborhoods with the houses burned to the foundation. The whole scene looks like something straight out of "The Road". Dystopic and devoid of all life. A few years later, you could return to the same spot and see various signs of life already popping back up and thriving. The suddenly nitrogen-rich soil, courtesy of that ash and char, gives way to more flowers, trees, and bushes than ever before. The whole series of events is unfortunate, but also by design.
There was nothing wrong with the forest as it once was. The fact that it burned almost completely is sad, disappointing, aggravating, etc. But it is also a fact of life and part of the forest's ability to grow and renew itself even stronger and more densely than before. One tall tree that is burned to the ground enriches the soil for the hundreds of saplings that eventually come in to take its place. It seems like a similar cycle of destruction and renewal is at play here at KTC. A mighty oak occasionally burns, and the younger trees stand to benefit.
-
Day 68
Shitty day KTC-wise, but I want to commit this to memory all the same.
Anytime a highly regarded and well-established veteran presence caves, that's going to send shockwaves across the site and through each of the groups. The reactions are quite literally all across the board. There's a mix of anger, disbelief, sadness, shock, disappointment, incredulity, forgiveness, empathy, etc. There's this perception that guys that have crossed into the Hall of Fame are somehow more durable in their quits and impervious to caves. We all know what a complete fallacy that is, but there it is - staring back at us when a highly regarded "badass" inexplicably decides to go back to fingering a can after an extended layoff.
After observing and participating in some of the general upheaval today, trying to make some sense out of it, I keep coming back to how this all is somehow part of the bigger picture. Part of the natural ecosystem and lifecycle of addiction and recovery. An analogy that comes to mind are forest fires. Many of my relatives are firefighters in eastern Oregon, and out there forest fires are a fact of life year in and year out. I've seen the damage and destruction firsthand when I was growing up. The bare smoldering, charred trunks of cedar and pine trees as far as the eye could see. Entire neighborhoods with the houses burned to the foundation. The whole scene looks like something straight out of "The Road". Dystopic and devoid of all life. A few years later, you could return to the same spot and see various signs of life already popping back up and thriving. The suddenly nitrogen-rich soil, courtesy of that ash and char, gives way to more flowers, trees, and bushes than ever before. The whole series of events is unfortunate, but also by design.
There was nothing wrong with the forest as it once was. The fact that it burned almost completely is sad, disappointing, aggravating, etc. But it is also a fact of life and part of the forest's ability to grow and renew itself even stronger and more densely than before. One tall tree that is burned to the ground enriches the soil for the hundreds of saplings that eventually come in to take its place. It seems like a similar cycle of destruction and renewal is at play here at KTC. A mighty oak occasionally burns, and the younger trees stand to benefit.
Dammit Tuco. Every time you go getting all introspective I end up peeing in my pants. Just a little. Ever since the wife gave birth to a 10.5 baby, thinking it's a sympathy thing.
-
Day 68
Shitty day KTC-wise, but I want to commit this to memory all the same.
Anytime a highly regarded and well-established veteran presence caves, that's going to send shockwaves across the site and through each of the groups. The reactions are quite literally all across the board. There's a mix of anger, disbelief, sadness, shock, disappointment, incredulity, forgiveness, empathy, etc. There's this perception that guys that have crossed into the Hall of Fame are somehow more durable in their quits and impervious to caves. We all know what a complete fallacy that is, but there it is - staring back at us when a highly regarded "badass" inexplicably decides to go back to fingering a can after an extended layoff.
After observing and participating in some of the general upheaval today, trying to make some sense out of it, I keep coming back to how this all is somehow part of the bigger picture. Part of the natural ecosystem and lifecycle of addiction and recovery. An analogy that comes to mind are forest fires. Many of my relatives are firefighters in eastern Oregon, and out there forest fires are a fact of life year in and year out. I've seen the damage and destruction firsthand when I was growing up. The bare smoldering, charred trunks of cedar and pine trees as far as the eye could see. Entire neighborhoods with the houses burned to the foundation. The whole scene looks like something straight out of "The Road". Dystopic and devoid of all life. A few years later, you could return to the same spot and see various signs of life already popping back up and thriving. The suddenly nitrogen-rich soil, courtesy of that ash and char, gives way to more flowers, trees, and bushes than ever before. The whole series of events is unfortunate, but also by design.
There was nothing wrong with the forest as it once was. The fact that it burned almost completely is sad, disappointing, aggravating, etc. But it is also a fact of life and part of the forest's ability to grow and renew itself even stronger and more densely than before. One tall tree that is burned to the ground enriches the soil for the hundreds of saplings that eventually come in to take its place. It seems like a similar cycle of destruction and renewal is at play here at KTC. A mighty oak occasionally burns, and the younger trees stand to benefit.
Dammit Tuco. Every time you go getting all introspective I end up peeing in my pants. Just a little. Ever since the wife gave birth to a 10.5 baby, thinking it's a sympathy thing.
Good stuff Tuco!
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
-
Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
Just killer is all I can say! Enjoy your day!
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
Just killer is all I can say! Enjoy your day!
Truly bad-ass Tuco. Keep paying it forward and congrats. Quit with you EDD.
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
Just killer is all I can say! Enjoy your day!
Truly bad-ass Tuco. Keep paying it forward and congrats. Quit with you EDD.
Badass Tuco...badass. Proud to call you my quit brother. Quit on.
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
Just killer is all I can say! Enjoy your day!
Truly bad-ass Tuco. Keep paying it forward and congrats. Quit with you EDD.
Badass Tuco...badass. Proud to call you my quit brother. Quit on.
Congrats Tuco, way to own your addiction daily.
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
Just killer is all I can say! Enjoy your day!
Truly bad-ass Tuco. Keep paying it forward and congrats. Quit with you EDD.
Badass Tuco...badass. Proud to call you my quit brother. Quit on.
Congrats Tuco, way to own your addiction daily.
Awesome, Tuco! Repeat!
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
Just killer is all I can say! Enjoy your day!
Truly bad-ass Tuco. Keep paying it forward and congrats. Quit with you EDD.
Badass Tuco...badass. Proud to call you my quit brother. Quit on.
Congrats Tuco, way to own your addiction daily.
Awesome, Tuco! Repeat!
Tuco, fantastic job man. You know as well as anyone that this is just the beginning. I look forward to hitting 200 with you, and 300, and 400 ...
Anyhow: Thank you for the support. You've helped my quit more than you know. Enjoy the day!
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
Just killer is all I can say! Enjoy your day!
Truly bad-ass Tuco. Keep paying it forward and congrats. Quit with you EDD.
Badass Tuco...badass. Proud to call you my quit brother. Quit on.
Congrats Tuco, way to own your addiction daily.
Awesome, Tuco! Repeat!
Tuco, fantastic job man. You know as well as anyone that this is just the beginning. I look forward to hitting 200 with you, and 300, and 400 ...
Anyhow: Thank you for the support. You've helped my quit more than you know. Enjoy the day!
Tuco, congrats and thanks for reaching out and helping strengthen my quit. We need more like you around these parts.
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
Just killer is all I can say! Enjoy your day!
Truly bad-ass Tuco. Keep paying it forward and congrats. Quit with you EDD.
Badass Tuco...badass. Proud to call you my quit brother. Quit on.
Congrats Tuco, way to own your addiction daily.
Awesome, Tuco! Repeat!
Tuco, fantastic job man. You know as well as anyone that this is just the beginning. I look forward to hitting 200 with you, and 300, and 400 ...
Anyhow: Thank you for the support. You've helped my quit more than you know. Enjoy the day!
Tuco, congrats and thanks for reaching out and helping strengthen my quit. We need more like you around these parts.
Congrats man. You, above all have been the biggest driving force in my quit through KTC and I owe you more than you know. The fact that you can take the time out of your day to help others and offer the insights you've gained through your own introspection speaks volumes for your character. Your quit is solid as granite and I look forward to seeing you march through the next milestone. Here's to 200, my friend. Cheers. 'Cheers'
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
Just killer is all I can say! Enjoy your day!
Truly bad-ass Tuco. Keep paying it forward and congrats. Quit with you EDD.
Badass Tuco...badass. Proud to call you my quit brother. Quit on.
Congrats Tuco, way to own your addiction daily.
Awesome, Tuco! Repeat!
Tuco, fantastic job man. You know as well as anyone that this is just the beginning. I look forward to hitting 200 with you, and 300, and 400 ...
Anyhow: Thank you for the support. You've helped my quit more than you know. Enjoy the day!
Tuco, congrats and thanks for reaching out and helping strengthen my quit. We need more like you around these parts.
Congrats man. You, above all have been the biggest driving force in my quit through KTC and I owe you more than you know. The fact that you can take the time out of your day to help others and offer the insights you've gained through your own introspection speaks volumes for your character. Your quit is solid as granite and I look forward to seeing you march through the next milestone. Here's to 200, my friend. Cheers. 'Cheers'
Great job Tuco! Please keep it up.
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congratulations bud! Very well done!
100 is big, but just the start, enjoy the day and see you at +1 soon.
Just killer is all I can say! Enjoy your day!
Truly bad-ass Tuco. Keep paying it forward and congrats. Quit with you EDD.
Badass Tuco...badass. Proud to call you my quit brother. Quit on.
Congrats Tuco, way to own your addiction daily.
Awesome, Tuco! Repeat!
Tuco, fantastic job man. You know as well as anyone that this is just the beginning. I look forward to hitting 200 with you, and 300, and 400 ...
Anyhow: Thank you for the support. You've helped my quit more than you know. Enjoy the day!
Tuco, congrats and thanks for reaching out and helping strengthen my quit. We need more like you around these parts.
Congrats man. You, above all have been the biggest driving force in my quit through KTC and I owe you more than you know. The fact that you can take the time out of your day to help others and offer the insights you've gained through your own introspection speaks volumes for your character. Your quit is solid as granite and I look forward to seeing you march through the next milestone. Here's to 200, my friend. Cheers. 'Cheers'
Great job Tuco! Please keep it up.
The man is a complete stud, no way around it and I'd bet my left nut that Tuco is with us for many more +1's to come; leading a brigade of badass quitters and a wake of nicotine slaughter behind him.
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congrats Tuco on hitting the hall. Enjoy reading your posts. Keep up the good work!
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Time to bring this awesome intro back to the front page ... CONGRATS on the HOF Tuco!! You, my friend ... you personify everything that is good about KTC. Truly appreciate reading your thoughts and advice scattered about the groups, always spot on and well spoken (written). Any new quitters thinking about quitting, or who are quit and looking for inspiration go to the beginning of this intro and read ... solid gold quit!
Here's to seeing you on around these halls for a loooonnnnggg time brother! 'Cheers'
Fuck yeah brother! You have been bringing it since day 1! Congrats
Congrats man.
Keep owning this, and keep up the great work you're doing.
Congrats, Tuco tico! Enjoy the day, you earned it. See you on roll tomorrow.
Congrats Tuco on hitting the hall. Enjoy reading your posts. Keep up the good work!
Tuco - Sorry I missed it bro. You know I'd kiss you on the lips. You are quit wisdom with your words. You are an asset here. Don't go away. Congrats.
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Hey bro, another milestone crushed! You are an inspiration to many quits, including mine. Thanks for strengthening the quits of so many of us, and CONGRATS ON 200!!
'clap'
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Hey bro, another milestone crushed! You are an inspiration to many quits, including mine. Thanks for strengthening the quits of so many of us, and CONGRATS ON 200!!
'clap'
You're a bad ass, 2nd floor Congrats!
Thanks for all you do for us man.
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Hey bro, another milestone crushed! You are an inspiration to many quits, including mine. Thanks for strengthening the quits of so many of us, and CONGRATS ON 200!!
'clap'
You're a bad ass, 2nd floor Congrats!
Thanks for all you do for us man.
Well done Tuco!
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Hey bro, another milestone crushed! You are an inspiration to many quits, including mine. Thanks for strengthening the quits of so many of us, and CONGRATS ON 200!!
'clap'
Nice job Tuco, 200 days of ass kicking
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Hey bro, another milestone crushed! You are an inspiration to many quits, including mine. Thanks for strengthening the quits of so many of us, and CONGRATS ON 200!!
'clap'
Nice job Tuco, 200 days of ass kicking
Was traveling for work this week, sorry I missed this yesterday. Congrats Tuco, you're as badass as it gets
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Hey bro, another milestone crushed! You are an inspiration to many quits, including mine. Thanks for strengthening the quits of so many of us, and CONGRATS ON 200!!
'clap'
Nice job Tuco, 200 days of ass kicking
Was traveling for work this week, sorry I missed this yesterday. Congrats Tuco, you're as badass as it gets
Ditto that!!!
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Hey bro, another milestone crushed! You are an inspiration to many quits, including mine. Thanks for strengthening the quits of so many of us, and CONGRATS ON 200!!
'clap'
Nice job Tuco, 200 days of ass kicking
Was traveling for work this week, sorry I missed this yesterday. Congrats Tuco, you're as badass as it gets
Ditto that!!!
Nice job!
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Hey bro, another milestone crushed! You are an inspiration to many quits, including mine. Thanks for strengthening the quits of so many of us, and CONGRATS ON 200!!
'clap'
Nice job Tuco, 200 days of ass kicking
Was traveling for work this week, sorry I missed this yesterday. Congrats Tuco, you're as badass as it gets
Ditto that!!!
Nice job!
Congrats on 200+ days Tuco! Well done!!
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Hey bro, another milestone crushed! You are an inspiration to many quits, including mine. Thanks for strengthening the quits of so many of us, and CONGRATS ON 200!!
'clap'
Nice job Tuco, 200 days of ass kicking
Was traveling for work this week, sorry I missed this yesterday. Congrats Tuco, you're as badass as it gets
Ditto that!!!
Nice job!
Congrats on 200+ days Tuco! Well done!!
Hey Tukes, congrats on 2nd floor!
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Congrats on the little one Tuco!
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Congrats on the little one Tuco!
Congrats brother!
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Congrats on the little one Tuco!
Congrats brother!
Having a kid is special, an awesome time. Congrats on Tuco Jr.
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Congrats on the little one Tuco!
Congrats brother!
Having a kid is special, an awesome time. Congrats on Tuco Jr.
This is awesome news. Congrats Tuco. I must admit that I'm a bit jealous...I never had the chance to welcome a child into my life while not concurrently finger banging the can. Good for you my friend.
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Congratulations T!
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Congrats on the third floor, buddy. Quit with you every damn day. 'Cheers'
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Congrats on the third floor, buddy. Quit with you every damn day. 'Cheers'
WAY TO GO TUCO! Damn happy for you! 'oh yeah'
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Congrats on the third floor, buddy. Quit with you every damn day. 'Cheers'
WAY TO GO TUCO! Damn happy for you! 'oh yeah'
300 days of bad ass! Congrats brother.
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Congrats on the third floor, buddy. Quit with you every damn day. 'Cheers'
WAY TO GO TUCO! Damn happy for you! 'oh yeah'
300 days of bad ass! Congrats brother.
Legend in the making. Way to go brother
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Congrats on the third floor, buddy. Quit with you every damn day. 'Cheers'
WAY TO GO TUCO! Damn happy for you! 'oh yeah'
300 days of bad ass! Congrats brother.
Legend in the making. Way to go brother
Congrats and thanks Tuco. You were a huge influence in December 14.
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Day 312, and a belated thanks to everyone for the well-wishes on hitting the third floor. Time is really starting to fly now, and I'm realizing it has been a while since I updated anything in my intro. Plenty has happened, but I won't attempt to recap any of that now. Instead, I've got a little anecdote I thought I would share so that I don't forget about it later.
This morning, I grabbed a pair of pants that I haven't worn since sometime last summer. When I put them on, I could feel some paper wadded up in one of the front pockets, and my first thought was, "Well, fuck."
Back when I was using, I would typically wrap up a nic mint or two in some kleenex and put it in my pocket if I was going to be going out with the family for a while and needed to get my fix. It turns out I had those little fuckers stashed everywhere. Over the past year, nic mint bottles (full and empty) as well as individual ones have popped up from one place to the next. They're like cockroaches. I naturally assumed that I had inadvertently stumbled upon yet another stash in my pants pocket.
When I reached in and pulled out the paper, I was pleasantly surprised to find 3 Trident wrappers and restaurant receipt instead. Trash. The receipt was dated August 7 and I quickly remembered that was my first "date night" with my wife after I quit. It was nice to be out, just the two of us, but I mostly recall sitting there gutting it out through the suck while my wife enjoyed her dinner. I also remember how my phone was blowing up with txts from grizzleyslayer, telling me he had just caved and freaking out over what he should do. That would be my first direct contact with someone else's cave, and that sudden realization of "I better not fuck this up if I'm telling this guy to sack up and get back on the horse."
It's funny how a few pieces of trash can come to symbolize so much. Rather than having yet another reminder of the routine lengths I would go to in order to hide and feed my addiction, I was rewarded with a reminder that I put a stop to that shit nearly a year ago. As the +1's begin to pile up and blend together, it's nice to pin a gold star on one today.
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Day 312, and a belated thanks to everyone for the well-wishes on hitting the third floor. Time is really starting to fly now, and I'm realizing it has been a while since I updated anything in my intro. Plenty has happened, but I won't attempt to recap any of that now. Instead, I've got a little anecdote I thought I would share so that I don't forget about it later.
This morning, I grabbed a pair of pants that I haven't worn since sometime last summer. When I put them on, I could feel some paper wadded up in one of the front pockets, and my first thought was, "Well, fuck."
Back when I was using, I would typically wrap up a nic mint or two in some kleenex and put it in my pocket if I was going to be going out with the family for a while and needed to get my fix. It turns out I had those little fuckers stashed everywhere. Over the past year, nic mint bottles (full and empty) as well as individual ones have popped up from one place to the next. They're like cockroaches. I naturally assumed that I had inadvertently stumbled upon yet another stash in my pants pocket.
When I reached in and pulled out the paper, I was pleasantly surprised to find 3 Trident wrappers and restaurant receipt instead. Trash. The receipt was dated August 7 and I quickly remembered that was my first "date night" with my wife after I quit. It was nice to be out, just the two of us, but I mostly recall sitting there gutting it out through the suck while my wife enjoyed her dinner. I also remember how my phone was blowing up with txts from grizzleyslayer, telling me he had just caved and freaking out over what he should do. That would be my first direct contact with someone else's cave, and that sudden realization of "I better not fuck this up if I'm telling this guy to sack up and get back on the horse."
It's funny how a few pieces of trash can come to symbolize so much. Rather than having yet another reminder of the routine lengths I would go to in order to hide and feed my addiction, I was rewarded with a reminder that I put a stop to that shit nearly a year ago. As the +1's begin to pile up and blend together, it's nice to pin a gold star on one today.
Thanks for sharing Tuco... that's a good little read. Throughout my quit I stumble upon numerous items/thoughts that lead me to reflect on the poor choices I made as a user of nicotine. Whether it be trying to sneak one without someone knowing or making excuses to have another dip, it was until I made the decision to quit did I realize how bad I was. It's a terrible lifestyle and it's nice to come across those little reminders to reassure you've made one of the best decisions in your life.
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quit perfection right there. Reward and reminder all in one.
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Tuco, belated congrats on being a 3rd floor resident. Just wanted to pop into your intro page and thank you for the encouragement you've given me and the Sept Samurai. Means a lot.
ODNT - 12
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Year mark, congrats Tuco!
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Year mark, congrats Tuco!
You are one BAD ASS M*th%r F*ck%r TUCO! Congratulations
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Year mark, congrats Tuco!
You are one BAD ASS M*th%r F*ck%r TUCO! Congratulations
Great job on your year taco! A premium grade badass quitter!
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Year mark, congrats Tuco!
You are one BAD ASS M*th%r F*ck%r TUCO! Congratulations
Great job on your year taco! A premium grade badass quitter!
Congrats on the Nic-Free year, that is f'n cool!
That is THUPER DUPER (http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/57389937.jpg)
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Year mark, congrats Tuco!
You are one BAD ASS M*th%r F*ck%r TUCO! Congratulations
Great job on your year taco! A premium grade badass quitter!
Congrats on the Nic-Free year, that is f'n cool!
That is THUPER DUPER (http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/57389937.jpg)
'clap'
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Year mark, congrats Tuco!
You are one BAD ASS M*th%r F*ck%r TUCO! Congratulations
Great job on your year taco! A premium grade badass quitter!
Congrats on the Nic-Free year, that is f'n cool!
That is THUPER DUPER (http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/57389937.jpg)
'clap'
Bad ass quitter and great example. Thank you for rapidly becoming a quit force around here.
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Year mark, congrats Tuco!
You are one BAD ASS M*th%r F*ck%r TUCO! Congratulations
Great job on your year taco! A premium grade badass quitter!
Congrats on the Nic-Free year, that is f'n cool!
That is THUPER DUPER (http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/57389937.jpg)
'clap'
Bad ass quitter and great example. Thank you for rapidly becoming a quit force around here.
Wow. what a year for you. 365 days without nicotine and a legion of new friends. Proud of you bro. Congrats!
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Year mark, congrats Tuco!
You are one BAD ASS M*th%r F*ck%r TUCO! Congratulations
Great job on your year taco! A premium grade badass quitter!
Congrats on the Nic-Free year, that is f'n cool!
That is THUPER DUPER (http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/57389937.jpg)
'clap'
Bad ass quitter and great example. Thank you for rapidly becoming a quit force around here.
Wow. what a year for you. 365 days without nicotine and a legion of new friends. Proud of you bro. Congrats!
Congrats on the year Tuco. You were a great influence on December. Thanks!
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Year mark, congrats Tuco!
You are one BAD ASS M*th%r F*ck%r TUCO! Congratulations
Great job on your year taco! A premium grade badass quitter!
Congrats on the Nic-Free year, that is f'n cool!
That is THUPER DUPER (http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/57389937.jpg)
'clap'
Bad ass quitter and great example. Thank you for rapidly becoming a quit force around here.
Wow. what a year for you. 365 days without nicotine and a legion of new friends. Proud of you bro. Congrats!
Congrats on the year Tuco. You were a great influence on December. Thanks!
Congrats Tuco. By now you know how good a year feels!
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Hey Bro
I stumbled across your Intro today. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing it. The fact that you had quit for 4.5 years and then caved is something every newbie needs to read about. I need to keep in the front of my mind that this battle isn't over in 100 days or 9 months or 2 years. Sure it's a 1 day at a time deal, but I needed to hear that I can never let my guard down.
thanks bro!
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Hey Bro
I stumbled across your Intro today. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing it. The fact that you had quit for 4.5 years and then caved is something every newbie needs to read about. I need to keep in the front of my mind that this battle isn't over in 100 days or 9 months or 2 years. Sure it's a 1 day at a time deal, but I needed to hear that I can never let my guard down.
thanks bro!
Thanks, man. Coming up on two years Quit and it's something that I am very passionate about. I will say this: my mindset is wholly different this time around than it ever was all those years ago. I took this quit with the seriousness and respect it commanded right from the start. I didn't have all of the answers, still don't, but I knew I needed help if I was going to be successful. I also know from personal experience that the moment I let my guard down and start to believe I've got this thing beat for life, is the moment that I am very likely headed back to being a slave.
Focus purely on One Day at a Time. Never waver from that simple ethos. Know that you are an addict today, tomorrow, and every day you draw breath thereafter. Find peace in that. You are what you are, but you have the tools and support to never succumb again. One day at a time.
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Posted this in the HOF speeches, but figured I'd put it here for posterity. Quit on, brothers.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One thousand days ago, I woke up and made a decision to quit all forms of nicotine, and have done so every day since. That's one thousand consecutive days of making a conscious choice: I am not going to going to use nicotine today. Pretty simple. Quitting wasn't always an easy choice, especially in those early days, but it certainly was no accident.
When I found KTC two or three days into my quit I was desperate for a lifeline. Anything that could help to ease the constant, gnawing craves and the pea soup fog that had settled over my brain. I was struggling just to cope, and I figured any sort of tips and tricks I could glean would certainly be of some use. I quickly discovered that no such tips or tricks exist, but something far more powerful does.
Allow me to preface this by saying none of the advice I offer is particularly new or groundbreaking. Do a little digging in any pre-HOF month or through just about any HOF speech and you will find many equivalent sentiments from literally thousands of other quitters. Plenty of truths and wisdom about quitting has been written ad nauseum in this space. Perhaps the one perspective I can add is a distillation of the core fundamentals that comprise the Quitter's Mindset. As in, I came here looking for "tips and tricks" and quickly found a literal foolproof mindset that I can personally guarantee 100% success - if you follow it unfailingly.
The Quitter's Mindset
#1 Post roll first thing each day. No excuses. If you have a pulse and the means to access some form of electronic communication, you can get on roll and make your promise. To be clear, this isn't a rule. This is something you already understand must happen of your own volition. You don't have to post roll. You want to post roll. See the difference? Strive for the latter, even if you must fake it for a while at first. Posting roll and making your promise first thing will become the foundation of your quit today, and every day thereafter. If you're still skeptical about the efficacy of posting roll first thing, go look at any month that started 1,000+ days ago. Look at the timestamps from quitters posting their promise. I can all but guarantee that the overwhelming majority of them consistently do so in the first part of their day. Every. Single. Day. The ones that were lackadaisical about it early on have long since faded. Do yourself a favor now and make a habit of posting roll first thing.
#2 Focus only on today. Once you've given your word, center all your energy on keeping your word for the rest of the day. Yes, 'one day at a time' is preached far and wide here, but until you come to understand and embrace what that truly means, you must keep your sights set firmly on doing everything in your power to be quit today. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, and certainly not forever - just today. Quitting in 24 hour increments is far less daunting, even for a seasoned quitter, than thinking of being quit in terms of weeks, months, and years ahead. 24 hours is finite and totally within our control. Worry about today, today. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
#3 Invest in your own quit by investing in others. I repeat: invest in your own quit by investing in others. Connect with other quitters on here. New and veteran alike. Your addiction desperately wants you all alone so you can be more easily manipulated. That gets a whole lot harder when you feel personally accountable to other quitters. It seems a bit odd at first to be trading PM's and sharing your mobile number with total strangers on the internet, but it is one of the single greatest tools you can have in your arsenal.
Plenty of guys quietly assure themselves that they don't need help. Guess what? They're wrong. At some point, every single one of us needs a pickup. Even if you're the one picking up a fellow brother, that alone becomes high octane fuel for your quit. Just as some guys think they don't need any help, others think they can get all the help they need from their family, friends, church groups, etc. Also wrong. Having supportive friends and family is great, but unless they are battling nicotine addiction right alongside you, there are very noticeable limits to the actual support they can provide. Besides, they probably knew you and accepted you during your dipping days. If you were a ninja dipper, you long since figured out how to deceive them. On KTC, we've seen it all before. The lies. The bullshit. The rationalizations and addict-speak. We've also seen the mile of shit you must wade through in those early days of quit. The struggles and the triumphs. Your wife or friends might think the world of you, but when it comes to you as an addict, no one knows you better than KTC.
Finally, I will add how fortunate I am for some of the genuine and lasting friendships I've made here (MiBS shoutout). Barely a day goes by where I don't connect with at least one person from my core group. Sure, the conversations have largely drifted away from quitting at this point, but to a man, we all have each other's backs and understand explicitly what it was that originally brought us together. Having connections like that simply cannot be understated. I would literally rather die than disappoint these guys by caving. Plain and simple.
#4 Be deliberate with your quit. As I mentioned previously, you don't quit by accident and you sure as shit won't stay quit by accident. It is a deliberate, conscious choice that you must make every single day. Treat your quit with the respect it deserves, and do it with purpose and pride. Never take your quit for granted, even when things start getting easier, for complacency is your addiction's primary weapon to win you back. Make no mistake, nicotine addiction plays the long game here. Once you've grown complacent, it's only a matter of when, not if, you will eventually find yourself scraping the bottom of a tin. Complacency killed a near 4 year quit for me over ten years ago. I know how easy it is to get lulled into a false sense of security. Once the fire inside dies down to barely a flicker, it doesn't take much to allow a cave to happen. The best way to ensure that never happens to you is to quit deliberately and with purpose each day.
That, in a nutshell, is the core mindset you need to adopt if you have any designs on being a long-term quitter. If you're thinking about quitting, or have just begun your journey, know that you can do this. It won't be easy, but it will be terribly worthwhile. Invest your time and energy on facing your addiction head-on, using the advice given above. I learned each of those facets of quitting in my first 100 days, and I've spent the following 900+ days proving that they work flawlessly.
Since this is technically a HOF speech, I'd be remiss if I didn't give some other folks their proper due. I posted a 1,000 today, because of my fellow Stone Cold Quitter brothers in November, '14. To post up each day next to the same group of guys is reassuring and reinforces the fact that what we do here actually works. I'm fortunate to have landed in such a strong month stocked with bad-ass quitters. It's truly been an honor to quit alongside these guys. I'm also thankful for the vets that set me straight in those early days. It didn't matter if they were a few weeks ahead of me or a few years, the knowledge they dropped plus a well-timed pat on the back or kick in the ass is precisely what I needed. They lit the way, and I am forever grateful.
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Congrats Tuco on the 1,000 quit!
thank you for your support!
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Congrats Tuco on the 1,000 quit!
thank you for your support!
Tuco! Holy crap I can't believe we've crossed that 1,000 day mark ...it feels like yesterday we first started this mission of quitting and laying some smackdown along the way. I'm happy for you bro and will be riding this train with you for many more days to come. Congratulations
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Awesome post Tuco. Thanks for posting and congrats on the comma
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Awesome post Tuco. Thanks for posting and congrats on the comma
Agreed, great post! Congrats on the Dangle Tuco!!
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Awesome post Tuco. Thanks for posting and congrats on the comma
Agreed, great post! Congrats on the Dangle Tuco!!
congrats Tuco!
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Congrats on 3 years quit Tuco!
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Congrats on 3 years quit Tuco!
Nice three years! Reading through this was a good trip down memory lane.
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Congrats on 3 years quit Tuco!
Nice three years! Reading through this was a good trip down memory lane.
Three years rocks!
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Congrats on 3 years quit Tuco!
Nice three years! Reading through this was a good trip down memory lane.
Three years rocks!
well done Tuco! I dont ever want to let you catch me. I will always make sure that we are always 4 days apart.
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Congrats on 3 years Tuco!
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Thanks, everyone! 3 years goes by pretty quick when you're focus is squarely on today. Proud to quit with each of you.
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And... Congrats on 4 years quit Tuco!
'party2'
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And... Congrats on 4 years quit Tuco!
'party2'
Thank you!!!
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Four years ago today I made the decision to quit using dip and nic mints. I knew the only path forward would be to quit cold turkey, so I ventured off on that path alone. A day or two later, desperate and weary, I came to KTC looking for help and support. Nolaq quickly cornered me and convinced me to post roll and an intro. Vets were dropping truth bombs left and right as they got me hooked up to the KTC Kool-Aid firehose. That was it. I had found my lifeline.
A ton has changed in the years since. I'm no longer a guy in his mid-thirties with a four year-old at home. Now I'm a guy in his forties with an eight and three year-old at home. I also changed jobs, got in and out of shape, traveled frequently, and otherwise lived through the natural ebbs and flows of life.
Over the course of four years, there has been one noticeable constant: posting roll daily
Especially in those early days, posting roll felt like a matter of life and death. No one had to convince me to post first thing, because making that promise was literally the only barrier keeping me from caving. Hence, I couldn't get on roll fast enough. Ever since that first day, I've made 1,462 consecutive promises to not use nicotine in any form. I'm incredibly proud of that fact. Not because I think it's some amazing streak, but rather it represents a historical record of quitting one day at a time. Over and over again. What worked four years ago, still works perfectly today. It's beautifully simple, but brutally effective.
So, to the quitters who came before me and since, thank you. Thank you for teaching me that mindset and showing me how well it works across all walks of life and under any circumstance.
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Four years ago today I made the decision to quit using dip and nic mints. I knew the only path forward would be to quit cold turkey, so I ventured off on that path alone. A day or two later, desperate and weary, I came to KTC looking for help and support. Nolaq quickly cornered me and convinced me to post roll and an intro. Vets were dropping truth bombs left and right as they got me hooked up to the KTC Kool-Aid firehose. That was it. I had found my lifeline.
A ton has changed in the years since. I'm no longer a guy in his mid-thirties with a four year-old at home. Now I'm a guy in his forties with an eight and three year-old at home. I also changed jobs, got in and out of shape, traveled frequently, and otherwise lived through the natural ebbs and flows of life.
Over the course of four years, there has been one noticeable constant: posting roll daily
Especially in those early days, posting roll felt like a matter of life and death. No one had to convince me to post first thing, because making that promise was literally the only barrier keeping me from caving. Hence, I couldn't get on roll fast enough. Ever since that first day, I've made 1,462 consecutive promises to not use nicotine in any form. I'm incredibly proud of that fact. Not because I think it's some amazing streak, but rather it represents a historical record of quitting one day at a time. Over and over again. What worked four years ago, still works perfectly today. It's beautifully simple, but brutally effective.
So, to the quitters who came before me and since, thank you. Thank you for teaching me that mindset and showing me how well it works across all walks of life and under any circumstance.
Congrats on 4 years there Matt.