KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: PhuctUp on March 02, 2017, 01:31:00 PM
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Well, after fighting it for as long as I'm willing, I'm done today. I'm not just done with dip either. I'm an alcoholic and a problem gambler. I guess I'm the trifecta. If I did drugs, too, I'd hopefully be dead by now. But I decided I want to try to love myself again. I'm ready to see what this life looks like without the slavery of addiction. My wife and middle school daughter and brand new baby boy want to see me enjoy that life, too. I honestly can't believe I still have them in my life. My wife even told me the other day that she would rather me just shoot myself than to have to watch me kill myself slowly. So I'm done with it all. I want to live.
I know I need help, though. I've read enough on here to know I'll get the support I need here. My wife's going to join the site this afternoon as well. I told her it would probably be good for her to read some of the stuff I've been reading on here. She doesn't understand addiction, and for that, I'm extremely thankful. I'm hoping this will help us both. I'm a quitter today. And I'm going to embrace every damn minute of it, no matter how hard it is. I'm truly building the foundation for a brand new life today. I'm excited to be a part of this site. Thanks in advance. I'm fucked up. But I'm not fucked up forever.
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Well, after fighting it for as long as I'm willing, I'm done today. I'm not just done with dip either. I'm an alcoholic and a problem gambler. I guess I'm the trifecta. If I did drugs, too, I'd hopefully be dead by now. But I decided I want to try to love myself again. I'm ready to see what this life looks like without the slavery of addiction. My wife and middle school daughter and brand new baby boy want to see me enjoy that life, too. I honestly can't believe I still have them in my life. My wife even told me the other day that she would rather me just shoot myself than to have to watch me kill myself slowly. So I'm done with it all. I want to live.
I know I need help, though. I've read enough on here to know I'll get the support I need here. My wife's going to join the site this afternoon as well. I told her it would probably be good for her to read some of the stuff I've been reading on here. She doesn't understand addiction, and for that, I'm extremely thankful. I'm hoping this will help us both. I'm a quitter today. And I'm going to embrace every damn minute of it, no matter how hard it is. I'm truly building the foundation for a brand new life today. I'm excited to be a part of this site. Thanks in advance. I'm fucked up. But I'm not fucked up forever.
Welcome Phuctup! (that's hard to spell!)
You definitely came to the right place and can expect a ton of support. You will absolutely get out what you put into this.
If I may, I have one piece of advice, BUY INTO THIS KTC METHOD RIGHT AWAY!. When I first joined I missed posting roll the first weekend and now I can never be a "100% roll poster". Believe me this will become important to you. The key here is to make sure you post your promise to be nicotine free every single morning first thing, then keep your word for that day. And focus on one day at a time (ODAAT). It works!
Next, buy into the method of exchanging numbers with some of the other quitters. This will be your cornerstone and your life line. It sounds corny, but I have built relationship in here with people I have never met! Build this network and you will never be alone and will have someone to reach out to whether your tempted to put shit in your lip or whatever.
I've been quit now for 302 days, this after 35 years of chewing Cope long cut and never being able to truly quit.
NOW GO TO YOUR QUIT GROUP (June 2017 - SEE LINK BELOW) and post your promise for the day. People will be waiting to help you. If you ever need ANYTHING, feel free to send me a Private Message (PM) here. You can find that in the upper right of your screen.
I'm Proud to be quit with you!!!
John (AKA: J-Heff)
topic/30163365/55/#new (http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/30163365/55/#new)
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Thanks for the words, J-Heff. I had to watch the damn video to figure it out, but I posted roll.
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Phuctup
I too, like J-Heff used tobacco for 35 years. I am on day 44 today. I say that so that when I say it gets better, you can believe me. It took me about 7 days into my quit to just feel normal again. J-Heff layed this site out and what it takes to win perfectly.
Fight the good fight and be tough...
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Welcome, and good on you for kicking three things at the same time.
If at all possible, consider seeking addiction counseling. All of us had to change lifestyle, and rewire our brains to keep clean, but going out on a limb, I'm going to guess that you need an absolute lifestyle change. There's no shame in seeking out professional help.
But, yes, definitely use this site for support of not only the tobacco, but also the drinking and gambling. There's a whole section here called Getting My Act Together (http://forum.killthecan.org/forum/55584/) with a subforum on quitting alcohol. I don't see one for gambling, but if you were to help an admin, I'm sure one could be added. I would guess you're not the only one here who wants to quit gambling.
Stay quit!
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I've been noticing some things in other people's intros that I didn't put in mine. Ninja Dipper? Absolutely. Anywhere and anytime as long as people didn't see me. I had so many hiding places for dip and beer over the years, it's actually kind of disturbing in hindsight.
Somebody said he and his wife had an understanding that she wouldn't ask anything because she just didn't want him to lie because she knew he would. Mine has admitted to doing that, too, at times, but mostly she caught me and made me dig my own grave with my lies. The past week or so, as my death march was winding down, I've been completely honest with her. Our marriage was already stronger and I was STILL drinking, dipping, and gambling. It's amazing what honesty does to a relationship.
Lastly, everybody talks about how long they tried to kill themselves. I drank and dipped pretty heavily since I was 19, so that's 20 years. I don't even want to run the numbers on how rich I could be right now if I'd have been clean of it all. Kinda sickening.
But I'm writing my book from page one today. Today has been great. When the adrenaline of hope wears off, and I know it will, I'll definitely need you guys. Thanks for welcoming me so kindly.
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I've been noticing some things in other people's intros that I didn't put in mine. Ninja Dipper? Absolutely. Anywhere and anytime as long as people didn't see me. I had so many hiding places for dip and beer over the years, it's actually kind of disturbing in hindsight.
Somebody said he and his wife had an understanding that she wouldn't ask anything because she just didn't want him to lie because she knew he would. Mine has admitted to doing that, too, at times, but mostly she caught me and made me dig my own grave with my lies. The past week or so, as my death march was winding down, I've been completely honest with her. Our marriage was already stronger and I was STILL drinking, dipping, and gambling. It's amazing what honesty does to a relationship.
Lastly, everybody talks about how long they tried to kill themselves. I drank and dipped pretty heavily since I was 19, so that's 20 years. I don't even want to run the numbers on how rich I could be right now if I'd have been clean of it all. Kinda sickening.
But I'm writing my book from page one today. Today has been great. When the adrenaline of hope wears off, and I know it will, I'll definitely need you guys. Thanks for welcoming me so kindly.
It looks like you are getting on the right path. I poisoned myself for 35 years before quitting 545 days ago. It's not easy but it can be done. All you really need to do is keep your promise today and really TRY to show up and keep it again tomorrow. I haven't missed a day on this site since joining and I don't think I've ever been quit this long before.
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You have found quit heaven. I started exercising my first week and it helped a lot. Your brain will have problems producing endorphins without the stimulants. Running will set them off and make you feel good. I unfucked myself from using nicotine and cannabis 121/42 days ago. It's a hard haul but so worth it once you get your head straight.
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Quick question because I'm not sure how this works. The intro is basically just for an intro, I gather, so if I wanted to start a thread about something that is more "General Discussion," am I free to start a thread over there? Every thread there was started by Chewie and all the topics are basically the same. Where would I start a "General Discussion" thread if not there?
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Your intro is for whatever you want it to be. Use it as a journal, use it to explore ideas, use it for whatever you want. Take a look at other intros and you will see they are all different.
If you have an ongoing topic you would like open, you would have to bring it to the moderators. There is also a general discussion thread open for 2017 but I don't think that is what is what you were going for.
In the meantime, welcome to KTC, PU. Read all you can on this addiction, take it day by day, draw strength from the good people here who will support you every step of the way. You really are stronger than a can of weeds.
PM me if you need anything!
FLLipOut. Day 225.
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What she said.... you can post whatever you'd like in the General Discussion thread (it's already open). If you have a particular subject you'd like to begin discussing, and it's not already here on the site (which I suppose is possible, but not likely -- if you look around, there's a topic for just about everything you could think of scattered across the forum pages), then a moderator could help get you started.
Great start to your quit; unusual name but maybe one day you can change it to PhuctupNoMore!! Solidly in your corner!
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Hey brother I have a similar story. It all started 1,074 days ago. A lot of "life" happened to me over that time. I have not updated my into in a long time but you might get something outta reading it. Meaaage me with any questions brother. You got this
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I'll quit dip and gambling with you all damn day!
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Alright, so my idea for another thread is kinda broad but super interesting to me right now. I wanted to do something different this time because every other time I "stopped" dipping or drinking for three days, something always brought me back because I didn't do anything different than the time before except say, "I'm quitting for good this time."
So I wrecked my brain a few days ago wondering what I could do different. And that was my answer all along. I had to do something different every single day I stayed quit. It was just this idea to really LIVE and have a blast with it by doing something crazy or different or just awesome every day.
The idea kinda came about a couple of days before I quit for good. My wife and I played Apples to Apples with my daughter. Nothing special, just a game. She always loves it when we play games with her. And she's almost 12. Those days of her wanting to play games with daddy aren't going to be around too much longer. And it made me think, for the millionth time, how much time I've wasted drinking, dipping, and gambling that I'll never get back with my only daughter. It's an immense amount of guilt. I'm sure some of you are really familiar with the guilt. And it's not just the guilt of time lost with my daughter. It's time lost and tension between my wife and I. It's a guilt that my baby boy might lose his father too soon because of the damage I've already done to my body. I'm relatively healthy, but there's still damage done. It's the guilt. The guilt is pretty damn bad.
So I set out yesterday to just do something awesome every day. Again, different, crazy, awesome, whatever. Just different enough to feel alive. I had this idea to start a thread about what everybody on here did today that was just awesome. I was looking for both entertainment and well, ideas.
Anyway, here's my first two days:
Day one: I quit. That's awesome enough.
Day two: I bought my wife flowers. And was rewarded for doing so.
Day three: I did two things. We went to Red Robin for lunch and I acted like a kid beating all the kids to the giant chalkboard they have there. I wrote on the board that I loved my wife and just basically acted like a child keeping the chalk away the kids, erasing the stuff they wrote, etc. So just acting like a kid. Then we had to go to BJ's Warehouse Club to return something and I saw a sheet of paper on the counter that was there for somebody's last day at work and it said, "We're going to miss you Cindy!!" Naturally, I grabbed the paper and a pen and wrote "You're beautiful inside and out." And then my daughter and niece wrote messages to whoever Cindy is. It made me laugh real big when we left there!!!!
So I don't know if a thread about what people did to feel alive and awesome would be interesting to anybody, but it's fueled me for three days. I'm weird, I know. Luckily, my family knows it, too. Feel free to add it to my intro or just go the other way with the knowledge that I'm weird. Won't bother me. I'm going to keep doing some crazy shit in the days to come.
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Alright, so my idea for another thread is kinda broad but super interesting to me right now. I wanted to do something different this time because every other time I "stopped" dipping or drinking for three days, something always brought me back because I didn't do anything different than the time before except say, "I'm quitting for good this time."
So I wrecked my brain a few days ago wondering what I could do different. And that was my answer all along. I had to do something different every single day I stayed quit. It was just this idea to really LIVE and have a blast with it by doing something crazy or different or just awesome every day.
The idea kinda came about a couple of days before I quit for good. My wife and I played Apples to Apples with my daughter. Nothing special, just a game. She always loves it when we play games with her. And she's almost 12. Those days of her wanting to play games with daddy aren't going to be around too much longer. And it made me think, for the millionth time, how much time I've wasted drinking, dipping, and gambling that I'll never get back with my only daughter. It's an immense amount of guilt. I'm sure some of you are really familiar with the guilt. And it's not just the guilt of time lost with my daughter. It's time lost and tension between my wife and I. It's a guilt that my baby boy might lose his father too soon because of the damage I've already done to my body. I'm relatively healthy, but there's still damage done. It's the guilt. The guilt is pretty damn bad.
So I set out yesterday to just do something awesome every day. Again, different, crazy, awesome, whatever. Just different enough to feel alive. I had this idea to start a thread about what everybody on here did today that was just awesome. I was looking for both entertainment and well, ideas.
Anyway, here's my first two days:
Day one: I quit. That's awesome enough.
Day two: I bought my wife flowers. And was rewarded for doing so.
Day three: I did two things. We went to Red Robin for lunch and I acted like a kid beating all the kids to the giant chalkboard they have there. I wrote on the board that I loved my wife and just basically acted like a child keeping the chalk away the kids, erasing the stuff they wrote, etc. So just acting like a kid. Then we had to go to BJ's Warehouse Club to return something and I saw a sheet of paper on the counter that was there for somebody's last day at work and it said, "We're going to miss you Cindy!!" Naturally, I grabbed the paper and a pen and wrote "You're beautiful inside and out." And then my daughter and niece wrote messages to whoever Cindy is. It made me laugh real big when we left there!!!!
So I don't know if a thread about what people did to feel alive and awesome would be interesting to anybody, but it's fueled me for three days. I'm weird, I know. Luckily, my family knows it, too. Feel free to add it to my intro or just go the other way with the knowledge that I'm weird. Won't bother me. I'm going to keep doing some crazy shit in the days to come.
As an assistant coach, I helped my son get 2 hits, score 1 run and almost make a play at 2nd base today. I'd join that thread.
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Alright, so my idea for another thread is kinda broad but super interesting to me right now. I wanted to do something different this time because every other time I "stopped" dipping or drinking for three days, something always brought me back because I didn't do anything different than the time before except say, "I'm quitting for good this time."
So I wrecked my brain a few days ago wondering what I could do different. And that was my answer all along. I had to do something different every single day I stayed quit. It was just this idea to really LIVE and have a blast with it by doing something crazy or different or just awesome every day.
The idea kinda came about a couple of days before I quit for good. My wife and I played Apples to Apples with my daughter. Nothing special, just a game. She always loves it when we play games with her. And she's almost 12. Those days of her wanting to play games with daddy aren't going to be around too much longer. And it made me think, for the millionth time, how much time I've wasted drinking, dipping, and gambling that I'll never get back with my only daughter. It's an immense amount of guilt. I'm sure some of you are really familiar with the guilt. And it's not just the guilt of time lost with my daughter. It's time lost and tension between my wife and I. It's a guilt that my baby boy might lose his father too soon because of the damage I've already done to my body. I'm relatively healthy, but there's still damage done. It's the guilt. The guilt is pretty damn bad.
So I set out yesterday to just do something awesome every day. Again, different, crazy, awesome, whatever. Just different enough to feel alive. I had this idea to start a thread about what everybody on here did today that was just awesome. I was looking for both entertainment and well, ideas.
Anyway, here's my first two days:
Day one: I quit. That's awesome enough.
Day two: I bought my wife flowers. And was rewarded for doing so.
Day three: I did two things. We went to Red Robin for lunch and I acted like a kid beating all the kids to the giant chalkboard they have there. I wrote on the board that I loved my wife and just basically acted like a child keeping the chalk away the kids, erasing the stuff they wrote, etc. So just acting like a kid. Then we had to go to BJ's Warehouse Club to return something and I saw a sheet of paper on the counter that was there for somebody's last day at work and it said, "We're going to miss you Cindy!!" Naturally, I grabbed the paper and a pen and wrote "You're beautiful inside and out." And then my daughter and niece wrote messages to whoever Cindy is. It made me laugh real big when we left there!!!!
So I don't know if a thread about what people did to feel alive and awesome would be interesting to anybody, but it's fueled me for three days. I'm weird, I know. Luckily, my family knows it, too. Feel free to add it to my intro or just go the other way with the knowledge that I'm weird. Won't bother me. I'm going to keep doing some crazy shit in the days to come.
I would like to see a pic of Cindy, inside or out...
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I joined here for support. I need some today. My brain is just raping me in every corner. My daughter has soccer practice tonight and I used to just drop her off and go dip and/or drink, a lot of times both. And while I was sitting around dipping and/or drinking, I was on my phone gambling on fucking sports. I was away from my wife for two hours and nobody was there to see me do any of it. And then I'd drive my only daughter home from practice, sometimes after drinking. Talking about it just makes me feel like an awful, awful person.
I don't want to cave and honestly have no interest in it. I just need a little positive pick-me-up. Nights have been pretty easy so far after four nights. I have Smoky Mountain and I've been going to bed early. I've been good. The anticipation of tonight is just killing me. I don't expect much groundbreaking response because the bottom line with anything anybody can say is, "Just don't do it, fucker," but I'll probably take that and laugh at it and it'll make me feel better. I had a plan for the weekend. I don't have a plan for how to battle my daughter's soccer practice. That's pretty sad. I'll beat it, I'm just struggling with it right now.
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And I think half the reason I joined here was just to write about it. The other half was support and to be around a bunch of people like me. I actually feel a little better after getting it all out of my brain and typing it all out. I'm still struggling, but I was getting into one of those panic modes earlier. This is not fun yet.
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"Just don't do it, fucker,"
There... you said it. I'm clean ;)
There is no magic advice bro... other than the above. It's all a choice. Sometimes... not a very easy one to follow through with. However... creating a new normal is soooo worth it. Each win creates this new you. Makes you a bit stronger each time. I bet you didnt think you could do 4 days quit didja? Well... you did. You can do this too.
To paraphrase...
"Just do it, fucker" 'boob'
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"Just don't do it, fucker,"
There... you said it. I'm clean ;)
There is no magic advice bro... other than the above. It's all a choice. Sometimes... not a very easy one to follow through with. However... creating a new normal is soooo worth it. Each win creates this new you. Makes you a bit stronger each time. I bet you didnt think you could do 4 days quit didja? Well... you did. You can do this too.
To paraphrase...
"Just do it, fucker" 'boob'
Absolutely true^^^ I would struggle minute by minute in the first week of my quit. You can do this as a matter of fact with your name on roll you HAVE to do this. Just honor your word.
Proud as hell to be quit with you. You got this
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"Just don't do it, fucker,"
There... you said it. I'm clean ;)
There is no magic advice bro... other than the above. It's all a choice. Sometimes... not a very easy one to follow through with. However... creating a new normal is soooo worth it. Each win creates this new you. Makes you a bit stronger each time. I bet you didnt think you could do 4 days quit didja? Well... you did. You can do this too.
To paraphrase...
"Just do it, fucker" 'boob'
Absolutely true^^^ I would struggle minute by minute in the first week of my quit. You can do this as a matter of fact with your name on roll you HAVE to do this. Just honor your word.
Proud as hell to be quit with you. You got this
Think about how many times over the years you wished you were quit. You are today and there are a lot of users who are still wishing they could make it this far. Don't ever set yourself back. Each victory will make you a stronger quitter. I am a firm believer of letting people know that you're quit. Be proud of your accomplishment and raise the level of your accountability. As stated on these pages "Burn your Bridges" your fucking quit and your going to stay that way.
Try to put yourself in a different location during the practice. If you were in your car, go watch the practice, or go for a walk. Or both. Something new to keep you occupied during the trigger times.
You have my number, call or text me.
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Thank you guys for your words today. Haven't had time to reply to them yet, but I just made it through practice. It's just been a really, really long day. Absolutely nothing bad has happened at work or home, but I have struggled mightily. I know you all have been there and probably still go there from time to time. I thought quitting three things at once was the only way for me to do it, and I think in the end it's going to make me one strong and proud son of a bitch when I succeed, but damn it's hard. Hardest thing I've ever done by any and every stretch of my wildest dreams. I think I learned one thing today, though. One of you guys might get a phone call in the middle of the day at some point. I think I have to trust my wife when she tells me it takes a really strong man to ask for help. I needed it today probably more than I let on.
I really do appreciate you guys as much as you probably appreciated those that came before you. You've already been a blessing to me.
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First, you are doing great. I know you don't feel great, but You. Are. Doing. Great. The absolute worst is behind you, but there are still tough days ahead. I like your strategy, to shake things up, to have a little fun with your quit. It works. Have fun with it. This is challenging, but it is also an exciting journey back to yourself and freedom.
Proud to be quit with you.
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PhuctUp,
I'm pulling for you and you can get this done!
First and foremost... You are in for a fucking fight unlike anything you have ever experienced. it's not all roses and rainbows. But, do it for the day and at the end of the day you know that you did what you set out to do.
Wake up the next day and know that you can do it again. It's as simple as that.
You're in a battle with your old self and how you used to handle things. You know and we know you can do better.
Promise yourself every day that you can do it.... post roll that you will do it..... then do it.
ITS AS SIMPLE AS THAT!
At the end of the day look back and what you did..... it's not a small accomplishment.
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PhuctUp,
Early on the hardest time for me to stay quit is when I knew I could get away with it, my wife would not be around for hours, my kids weren't arround, but my conscience was, I couldn't post roll and dip. My quit was so difficult, I literally quit for 24 hours at a time. I hope you stayed strong last night, it gets better. I'm hitting 1 year quit next month, it's gone pretty fast I'd say.
My wife can talk to your wife if you want. I really think ktc needs a subforum for wives!
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Yeah, so after the past couple of days on here, where I have just sat back and watched because, you know, HOLY SHIT did y'all give it to a couple of cavers. They have to feel like child molesters that got fucked by an entire prison in every orifice they have (and even some the other prisoners manufactured,) all without lube in a desert prison, so you know it was super dry. Continuing a joke I saw on the June page, perhaps a bag of dry desert dicks. Anyway, just wow.
All that to say, this place is awesome!!!! For y'all to take somebody else's cave so personally shows how much you all care about this shit. I can honestly say that I feel better about quitting now than I did a couple of days ago. I'm a hell of a lot more secure in it. I'm actually a little excited about it finally. There's a part of me that really feels sorry for those guys, but it's been great for my quit. Heck, I hope it's been great for all us newbs. That said, I'm an active reader but I'll probably never be an active poster (not until I've gained some quit wisdom,) so I've noticed one thing in all of this. I don't have enough digits yet. I think I have two on PM. Haven't even put them in my phone yet. I know I have to do that. I don't want to be out somewhere or even at home alone when my wife calls and says, "Guess what? You have the next two hours without me or the kids because...." I think I would initially "go there" in my head. I'm still new. I'd naturally go there. I'm sure you all did, too. The ninja inside me would try to set himself free. I feel better after this knowing there's no way in hell I'm letting him escape, but I might need somebody to talk to. I've sort of always been of the opinion that guys don't just talk casually on the phone, but I think this is a little more than casual conversation. If it's needed, it's more of a "I need help saving my life right now" kind of call.
So if a few (more) of you don't mind, send me your number. I need to add some contacts in my phone. Thanks.
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Alright, so my idea for another thread is kinda broad but super interesting to me right now. I wanted to do something different this time because every other time I "stopped" dipping or drinking for three days, something always brought me back because I didn't do anything different than the time before except say, "I'm quitting for good this time."
So I wrecked my brain a few days ago wondering what I could do different. And that was my answer all along. I had to do something different every single day I stayed quit. It was just this idea to really LIVE and have a blast with it by doing something crazy or different or just awesome every day.
The idea kinda came about a couple of days before I quit for good. My wife and I played Apples to Apples with my daughter. Nothing special, just a game. She always loves it when we play games with her. And she's almost 12. Those days of her wanting to play games with daddy aren't going to be around too much longer. And it made me think, for the millionth time, how much time I've wasted drinking, dipping, and gambling that I'll never get back with my only daughter. It's an immense amount of guilt. I'm sure some of you are really familiar with the guilt. And it's not just the guilt of time lost with my daughter. It's time lost and tension between my wife and I. It's a guilt that my baby boy might lose his father too soon because of the damage I've already done to my body. I'm relatively healthy, but there's still damage done. It's the guilt. The guilt is pretty damn bad.
So I set out yesterday to just do something awesome every day. Again, different, crazy, awesome, whatever. Just different enough to feel alive. I had this idea to start a thread about what everybody on here did today that was just awesome. I was looking for both entertainment and well, ideas.
Anyway, here's my first two days:
Day one: I quit. That's awesome enough.
Day two: I bought my wife flowers. And was rewarded for doing so.
Day three: I did two things. We went to Red Robin for lunch and I acted like a kid beating all the kids to the giant chalkboard they have there. I wrote on the board that I loved my wife and just basically acted like a child keeping the chalk away the kids, erasing the stuff they wrote, etc. So just acting like a kid. Then we had to go to BJ's Warehouse Club to return something and I saw a sheet of paper on the counter that was there for somebody's last day at work and it said, "We're going to miss you Cindy!!" Naturally, I grabbed the paper and a pen and wrote "You're beautiful inside and out." And then my daughter and niece wrote messages to whoever Cindy is. It made me laugh real big when we left there!!!!
So I don't know if a thread about what people did to feel alive and awesome would be interesting to anybody, but it's fueled me for three days. I'm weird, I know. Luckily, my family knows it, too. Feel free to add it to my intro or just go the other way with the knowledge that I'm weird. Won't bother me. I'm going to keep doing some crazy shit in the days to come.
As an assistant coach, I helped my son get 2 hits, score 1 run and almost make a play at 2nd base today. I'd join that thread.
This sounds like a cool idea.
But I have a pretty boring ass life!
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Yeah, so after the past couple of days on here, where I have just sat back and watched because, you know, HOLY SHIT did y'all give it to a couple of cavers. They have to feel like child molesters that got fucked by an entire prison in every orifice they have (and even some the other prisoners manufactured,) all without lube in a desert prison, so you know it was super dry. Continuing a joke I saw on the June page, perhaps a bag of dry desert dicks. Anyway, just wow.
All that to say, this place is awesome!!!! For y'all to take somebody else's cave so personally shows how much you all care about this shit. I can honestly say that I feel better about quitting now than I did a couple of days ago. I'm a hell of a lot more secure in it. I'm actually a little excited about it finally. There's a part of me that really feels sorry for those guys, but it's been great for my quit. Heck, I hope it's been great for all us newbs. That said, I'm an active reader but I'll probably never be an active poster (not until I've gained some quit wisdom,) so I've noticed one thing in all of this. I don't have enough digits yet. I think I have two on PM. Haven't even put them in my phone yet. I know I have to do that. I don't want to be out somewhere or even at home alone when my wife calls and says, "Guess what? You have the next two hours without me or the kids because...." I think I would initially "go there" in my head. I'm still new. I'd naturally go there. I'm sure you all did, too. The ninja inside me would try to set himself free. I feel better after this knowing there's no way in hell I'm letting him escape, but I might need somebody to talk to. I've sort of always been of the opinion that guys don't just talk casually on the phone, but I think this is a little more than casual conversation. If it's needed, it's more of a "I need help saving my life right now" kind of call.
So if a few (more) of you don't mind, send me your number. I need to add some contacts in my phone. Thanks.
I wanted to bump this up because I only got one person to PM me. Y'all either already don't like me or the request got buried. So I decided to bump it anyway.
On another note, something occurred to me this morning. I woke up happy. It wasn't one of those fabricated happys of the past nine days where I'm simply just proud of myself for resisting the previous day but still wondering how in the hell I'm going to do this the rest of my life. I mean, I know it's ODAAT, but when you're this new, the "forever' part is what rapes your brain, right? I know it did for me. Hell, the "forever" part kept me from quitting for YEARS.
But today, on day 10, I actually woke up happy. The difference, I think, was the hopefulness in the happy. I'm sitting here writing this watching my oldest play with my baby. And I can't fucking quit smiling trying to push back those annoying happy tears. Thanks for letting me be a part of this place. It really is saving, and giving, me life.
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You're doing great and appear to be having all of the right emotions during your recovery. Forever is simply a place we never know if we will get to. I struggled with the idea of quitting forever. It doesn't seem right until a few more of those happy days turn into a lot more of those happy days turns into realization that you don't need that shit anymore. It polluted our lives and was killing our future. You're establishing a new life for yourself that is full of pride and self worth. You're giving your family what they need and deserve. Everything becomes more clear as you strengthen your quit. It takes time, a lot of time and daily input and focus on our quit. It looks like you're doing great. You have my digits and I post support for you each day. I'm here if you need anything.
Edit: be sure to get involved with your June quit brothers. You have a great group and some of the best support I've seen in there!
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You're doing great and appear to be having all of the right emotions during your recovery. Forever is simply a place we never know if we will get to. I struggled with the idea of quitting forever. It doesn't seem right until a few more of those happy days turn into a lot more of those happy days turns into realization that you don't need that shit anymore. It polluted our lives and was killing our future. You're establishing a new life for yourself that is full of pride and self worth. You're giving your family what they need and deserve. Everything becomes more clear as you strengthen your quit. It takes time, a lot of time and daily input and focus on our quit. It looks like you're doing great. You have my digits and I post support for you each day. I'm here if you need anything.
Edit: be sure to get involved with your June quit brothers. You have a great group and some of the best support I've seen in there!
I was putting digits in my phone this morning. Yours was the first one I got!! And I have noticed your support of me every day. Greatly appreciated, sir.
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I was going to put this in the depression/anxiety forum, but figured it made more sense in my intro. A little backstory before I get to the problem/question. I'm nearing 40 and have struggled with depression and feelings of failure my whole life. That's the best way I've ever known how to explain it. Quitting all my vices has added a little better description. Now please note that to the outside world, I'm blessed, lucky, happy, insert positive description of me here. They would all work because that's how the outside world sees me. The demons lie only in my head.
But here's the deal with quitting. I can't find joy in it. I can laugh my ass off at my kids and immediately thereafter the joy is gone. I can have sex with my wife, and aside from the joy of looking forward to it and the act itself, the joy is just so short-lived. I can accomplish something around the house, and there is very little pride in having done it. It just seems as though I just can't maintain or even manufacture long stretches of pure, unbridled joy, and it beats me down pretty badly.
Now I know somebody is going to come back and say that the joy of little quit victories is enough to sustain joy in life. To that I say we are clearly all different because depression is a different animal, I think. I'm on Welbutrin, but I'm terrible at taking it consistently. I think it mellowed me in the beginning, but there was still no joy.
I had this crazy night where all of us were in the car together, me, my wife, daughter, and baby, and one of those random car conversations turned into this goofy five minutes of driving down the road honking at everybody and everything for no real reason at all, and it was pure joy for all of us. The joy just didn't last. It never lasts. It never lasts long enough to give me some kind of motivation to find a new hobby, take on a project for more than about 30 minutes, or to keep the question out of my mind that I've battled my whole life in "What the hell is the point of us even being here?" which is a troubling question to ask if you really, really think about the implications of it swimming in your noggin for most of your life.
So where's my joy in this? I don't want to go back to all my fucking vices because my depression is actually worse while on them, so when does the joy come? For years my wife wondered why they weren't enough for me; why didn't my family give me the happiness that dip and beer and gambling gave me? I never could give her an answer. I can't answer her now when she asks how I'm doing and the only thing I know is that I am depressed and have a lot of trouble finding joy in life.
So is it just time? Will time away from killing myself actually teach me how to find joy and live life? I started out so positive and upbeat, and I still have those moments. I have a lot of them actually. They just don't last. I'm not bipolar. It's not THAT bad. It's just sustaining enough joy to learn how to love life. I just can't do it. Anybody who can comment with any insight or experience in this would be greatly appreciated.
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I was here early on in my quit. I didn't reach out, like you are doing I kept it to myself. But I didn't see joy in my life, kids, job, home life. My wife is chronically ill, so I couldn't tell her.
I don't know what changed for me. Maybe time? Maybe getting the nic out of my system? Maybe making mental lists of things I'm grateful for. Maybe getting a new job. It wasn't quick and I can't say for sure when it turned around. But I made a decision to be happy and somewhere along the line I became happy.
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Hey bud,
I'm no shrink, so please take what I have to say as brother-to-brother, not as any sort of prescriptive advice. First, it took me nearly three full months to feel anything close to what I would classify as "normal". I'm a generally upbeat person, but there were some very long, very gray days that first summer of 2014. Then one afternoon, standing on my back deck, all of a sudden I realized just how colorful the flowers were, how deep green the lawn, how crystal blue the skies. That was a turning point.... the days that followed weren't all sunshine and rainbows, but that afternoon began sort of a transformation.... slowly the gray days where I was just foggily muddling through gave way to more and more moments of clarity and true thanksgiving that I finally was beginning to control something that had controlled me for nearly four decades.
So, yeah, I think time has an awful lot to do with it. I also think you need to be intentional about seeking out those things that gave you (and still give you) joy, peace, and contentment. For me, I feel best when I am involved in helping others who need it. I truly believe if you focus on helping others, you wind up feeling much better about yourself. That old saying about it being better to give than receive truly does have some merit.
I think you have my numbers. If you ever need to use them, please don't hesitate. You have much better days ahead....you'll get there!
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Hey bud,
I'm no shrink, so please take what I have to say as brother-to-brother, not as any sort of prescriptive advice. First, it took me nearly three full months to feel anything close to what I would classify as "normal". I'm a generally upbeat person, but there were some very long, very gray days that first summer of 2014. Then one afternoon, standing on my back deck, all of a sudden I realized just how colorful the flowers were, how deep green the lawn, how crystal blue the skies. That was a turning point.... the days that followed weren't all sunshine and rainbows, but that afternoon began sort of a transformation.... slowly the gray days where I was just foggily muddling through gave way to more and more moments of clarity and true thanksgiving that I finally was beginning to control something that had controlled me for nearly four decades.
So, yeah, I think time has an awful lot to do with it. I also think you need to be intentional about seeking out those things that gave you (and still give you) joy, peace, and contentment. For me, I feel best when I am involved in helping others who need it. I truly believe if you focus on helping others, you wind up feeling much better about yourself. That old saying about it being better to give than receive truly does have some merit.
I think you have my numbers. If you ever need to use them, please don't hesitate. You have much better days ahead....you'll get there!
Thanks guys. I'll take quitter shrinks over real shrinks all damn day. It's one reason I continue to refuse when my wife mentions going to see a counselor. None of them are former addicts!!!! At least none that I've heard of around me. Even still, the next thing I contest is that any addict that has fought it for any length of time should know every damn thing a "real" shrink can possibly say anyway. So why waste the money hearing shit you already know!!!! That's why I'd rather bring my shit to you guys.
I was coming home from work today before reading what you guys wrote, and I just started crying. I just want the demons to go away. I just want my life, my wife, my kids, hell, even the two dogs that live here that I don't really like to bring me joy. I know it's just time. I believe you're both right about that. But these fucking demons put all this shit that ruled my life on pedestals and somehow my brain just glorifies it until it drives me fucking mad.
I just wouldn't wish addiction on anybody. And anybody that says addiction isn't a mental illness is out of their fucking minds. It absolutely is. And I hate it. Can't wait for that day you guys are talking about. Until then, Welbutrin is no match for an addicts mind.
But I will win this time. This shit will not beat me. I won't fucking let it.
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In 2 weeks I'll be quit 1 year. I never ever thought that I could go 1 year without dip. I couldn't look or focus that far ahead. Sometimes I couldn't even focus on a whole day. I quit for an hour at a time. But hours became days.
I had a lot of anger. My wife wanted to go to counseling, I told her she could go. I'd work on our marriage, but just us, not some stranger. And I was working on our marriage by quitting dip. And not lying anymore, cause I lied about dipping.
I'm at a good place slowly laughter, colors, fun, joy all crept back in.
I'll pray for you because that's what my wife did for me when I was on the bottom.
I think I pm'd my number to you.
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I was in the 130 ish day range when I went back to normal and started talking about the heads in my freezer instead of "I quit with you today".
I quit with you today PhuctUp!
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Sometimes on this damn website you just read things you needed to read. Supplehands wrote something on the June quit group yesterday and I have been needing it. Not sure why exactly it struck a chord with me (it wasn't even directed at me,) but I wanted to include it on my intro if you don't mind too terribly, Supple. Here's what he wrote:
"I will say this considering we are all at different stages in our quit but we are all just as close to starting over if we make a mistake. Early in my quit I had a profound emptiness. I didn't get super angry. All my other problems seemed relatively managable, but I just had this yawning chasm of a void on a daily basis. Ive said this before, but at the time, I was scared that feeling would last the rest of my life, because I had no tangible proof I would feel any other way.
The members of KTC would tell me to hang in there/those feelings are temporary/it gets better... but it wasn't always very easy to keep that faith.
At this stage in my quit, though, I can say that my brain in no way, shape, or form has any shred of longing, emptiness, or despair as it relates to nicotine. I can be around it and not want it. I can drink and not want it. I can engage in trigger behavior and there is no danger mentally. My feeling (any type of mental need for nicotine) is basically completely gone.
I stay with KTC because I want to remind myself of the struggle, not because I continue TO struggle. I want to lend a hand to others. I want to send that message of faith that others gave me. The price of my current level of extreme freedom is that I must always remain vigilant and guard against complacency.
The message is this: that life partner that you gave up, will one day be viewed as nothing more than a sinister charade of companionship, crowding out genuine relationships and happiness as long as you were entertaining the perpetual scam that is nicotine addiction."
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'party' Congrats on 50! Half a HOF! 'party'
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'party' Congrats on 50! Half a HOF! 'party'
Whut she sed!!! Good on ya, bubba!
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So I'm coming to do what I never wanted to do, but in hindsight, I should have expected it. I did not do all I needed to do to stay clean. I'm admitting right off the top that I am a fool and I make no excuses. I just looked back at my last post on my intro and don't even remember writing it. But it is as poignant now as it was then; probably moreso. It's basically about "when does the happiness come" from quitting dip. For me, however, it was never just dip. I came here a three way addict with a depression kicker. Depression won. Alcohol won. Nicotine won. I failed you guys, my wife and family, and myself. The intro title of somebody here who I think very highly of says, "I'm Back: I'm Dumb." Sums it up pretty freaking well, I think. I'm very dumb.
Before I get to my three questions (as best I remember them), I want you guys to read a quote from As Bill Sees It, which is basically an alcoholics guide for life filled with quotes from AA's founder. I want you to remember it while you read my words for two reasons: 1) I've fought against AA for literally years, but now I see as I have no other choice. 2) What he says in this quote has never happened to me, and it's probably because my relationship with God is essentially "I know he exists because nothing would make sense if somebody's not responsible." But I have no real relationship with God. This quote says absolutely nothing about having a relationship with God, but it also says everything about it. This quote has stayed with me for days and I can't get past it. Here it is:
"It has often been said of AA that we are interested only in alcoholism. That is not true. We have to get over drinking in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the alcoholic personality by firsthand contact knows that no true alky ever stops drinking permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."
My personality change never happened, I think, because I expected some unicorn of spirituality to ride in and save me from all the demons that I'm too weak to defeat alone as soon as I quit drinking and dipping. It doesn't happen that way. I know that now. Parputt tried to convince me I needed AA. He even said he loved the AA life. I never understood that because I never convinced myself that being sober forever held any amount of happiness in it. All of you have tried to convince me, though most not directly, that this site works if you drink the Kool-Aid and do as prescribed. I didn't . I posted whenever the heck I wanted to, I didn't get involved. For that, I'm sorry. My failure is completely on me. It is for me to live with and grow from. And I will. I am joining my brother-in-law's AA home group tonight and a local beginners meeting later this week because I'd love to begin this journey with others like me.
As for my involvement here, I'm not going anywhere. It is grossly apparent now that I need all the help and support I can get. I haven't looked to see what group I'm in now, but I'm going to post early daily and I'm going to get involved as much as I can with my added AA commitment and a renewed vow to my wife and family. There's always been something on this site that I've seen when people cave but I've never understood. When I finally made the decision to cave, I didn't want to call one of you for help. I didn't want any kind of help whatsoever. I didn't want anybody to yell at me or try to convince me not to do it. I guess all that proves is that addiction mixed with depression is bad and that I was never fully committed to this site or to the guys who have supported me thus far. For that, I hope you guys will see the contrition in my words and allow me a second chance.
I think I've hit on most of the three questions in some form, but allow me to tell a story so that you can see what my rock bottom looked like. I want it on my intro forever and ever so that I can see what an awful creature my family somehow loves.
I haven't allowed myself any cash since I came here nearly three months ago. All of our accounts are joint, so my wife would see if I bought anything, and I always brought receipts home. I was doing my damnedest to earn her trust, even if I felt like a child while doing it. It was protecting me from me. But depression got worse. I strayed farther away from here. I didn't listen to Parputt or myself and get my ass to AA. Because I couldn't use my own checking account and I couldn't tell my wife how badly I needed to cheat, cave, give up, whatever the word is, I ended up stealing from my parents and - this is rock bottom - my own twelve year old daughter. I had to get the cash to get the beer and dip because I didn't know how to find happiness and contentment without them. I still don't, but that kind of rock bottom will make you seek it in ways you never wanted to. Sitting down with your daughter and seeing the hurt and confusion in her eyes that daddy stole from me was probably the most humbling moment in my life.
I'm on day three. Some of you have supported me from the beginning and I am sorry I failed you. I won't do that again, but like I told my wife, I'd rather you not believe me. I need to prove it to all of you, but mostly I'm well aware that I need to prove it to myself. If some of you feel the need to bash me for caving even after reading this, fine. I might ignore it, but you're free to do it. If you guys that supported me don't want to anymore, I deserve that, too. But I hope you guys will give me a second chance and hold me accountable for drinking the KTC Kool-Aid. I believe you all that this place works if you do as prescribed. I believe Parputt that the AA life is good. I've seen what rock bottom looks like now. Anything, even if true happiness and contentment is never reached, is better than telling your daughter you stole from her to do the very thing that makes her cry.
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So I'm coming to do what I never wanted to do, but in hindsight, I should have expected it. I did not do all I needed to do to stay clean. I'm admitting right off the top that I am a fool and I make no excuses. I just looked back at my last post on my intro and don't even remember writing it. But it is as poignant now as it was then; probably moreso. It's basically about "when does the happiness come" from quitting dip. For me, however, it was never just dip. I came here a three way addict with a depression kicker. Depression won. Alcohol won. Nicotine won. I failed you guys, my wife and family, and myself. The intro title of somebody here who I think very highly of says, "I'm Back: I'm Dumb." Sums it up pretty freaking well, I think. I'm very dumb.
Before I get to my three questions (as best I remember them), I want you guys to read a quote from As Bill Sees It, which is basically an alcoholics guide for life filled with quotes from AA's founder. I want you to remember it while you read my words for two reasons: 1) I've fought against AA for literally years, but now I see as I have no other choice. 2) What he says in this quote has never happened to me, and it's probably because my relationship with God is essentially "I know he exists because nothing would make sense if somebody's not responsible." But I have no real relationship with God. This quote says absolutely nothing about having a relationship with God, but it also says everything about it. This quote has stayed with me for days and I can't get past it. Here it is:
"It has often been said of AA that we are interested only in alcoholism. That is not true. We have to get over drinking in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the alcoholic personality by firsthand contact knows that no true alky ever stops drinking permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."
My personality change never happened, I think, because I expected some unicorn of spirituality to ride in and save me from all the demons that I'm too weak to defeat alone as soon as I quit drinking and dipping. It doesn't happen that way. I know that now. Parputt tried to convince me I needed AA. He even said he loved the AA life. I never understood that because I never convinced myself that being sober forever held any amount of happiness in it. All of you have tried to convince me, though most not directly, that this site works if you drink the Kool-Aid and do as prescribed. I didn't . I posted whenever the heck I wanted to, I didn't get involved. For that, I'm sorry. My failure is completely on me. It is for me to live with and grow from. And I will. I am joining my brother-in-law's AA home group tonight and a local beginners meeting later this week because I'd love to begin this journey with others like me.
As for my involvement here, I'm not going anywhere. It is grossly apparent now that I need all the help and support I can get. I haven't looked to see what group I'm in now, but I'm going to post early daily and I'm going to get involved as much as I can with my added AA commitment and a renewed vow to my wife and family. There's always been something on this site that I've seen when people cave but I've never understood. When I finally made the decision to cave, I didn't want to call one of you for help. I didn't want any kind of help whatsoever. I didn't want anybody to yell at me or try to convince me not to do it. I guess all that proves is that addiction mixed with depression is bad and that I was never fully committed to this site or to the guys who have supported me thus far. For that, I hope you guys will see the contrition in my words and allow me a second chance.
I think I've hit on most of the three questions in some form, but allow me to tell a story so that you can see what my rock bottom looked like. I want it on my intro forever and ever so that I can see what an awful creature my family somehow loves.
I haven't allowed myself any cash since I came here nearly three months ago. All of our accounts are joint, so my wife would see if I bought anything, and I always brought receipts home. I was doing my damnedest to earn her trust, even if I felt like a child while doing it. It was protecting me from me. But depression got worse. I strayed farther away from here. I didn't listen to Parputt or myself and get my ass to AA. Because I couldn't use my own checking account and I couldn't tell my wife how badly I needed to cheat, cave, give up, whatever the word is, I ended up stealing from my parents and - this is rock bottom - my own twelve year old daughter. I had to get the cash to get the beer and dip because I didn't know how to find happiness and contentment without them. I still don't, but that kind of rock bottom will make you seek it in ways you never wanted to. Sitting down with your daughter and seeing the hurt and confusion in her eyes that daddy stole from me was probably the most humbling moment in my life.
I'm on day three. Some of you have supported me from the beginning and I am sorry I failed you. I won't do that again, but like I told my wife, I'd rather you not believe me. I need to prove it to all of you, but mostly I'm well aware that I need to prove it to myself. If some of you feel the need to bash me for caving even after reading this, fine. I might ignore it, but you're free to do it. If you guys that supported me don't want to anymore, I deserve that, too. But I hope you guys will give me a second chance and hold me accountable for drinking the KTC Kool-Aid. I believe you all that this place works if you do as prescribed. I believe Parputt that the AA life is good. I've seen what rock bottom looks like now. Anything, even if true happiness and contentment is never reached, is better than telling your daughter you stole from her to do the very thing that makes her cry.
That took some personal courage to come in here and write that open, honest assessment of the person you were (operative word is WERE). You can change, you CAN beat this (these?) addiction(s). We can help, but only if you stick close to the site, build that net of accountability, and be willing to accept the responsibility that comes with being a part of this forum. Glad you came back; not everyone does. This time, let's make it stick, okay? You got my numbers; use them.
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It's important to understand how addiction and depression go hand in hand. I believe that using addicts are filling a void to compensate for emptiness somewhere else in their life. One of mine was my job. I hated it for close to 10 years. I now have a new job and realistically that was when I really was able to overcome the emptiness of not using. This isn't just about quitting nicotine for most of us. We find other parts of our life that need to be looked at. You my friend took on a very big challenge and needed more support and accountability to overcome the hardships of quitting. Believe that you will overcome the emptiness, you will persevere, it will continue to test you everyday, but if you use your support and web of accountability it will keep you strong enough to stay quit one day at a time.
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So I'm coming to do what I never wanted to do, but in hindsight, I should have expected it. I did not do all I needed to do to stay clean. I'm admitting right off the top that I am a fool and I make no excuses. I just looked back at my last post on my intro and don't even remember writing it. But it is as poignant now as it was then; probably moreso. It's basically about "when does the happiness come" from quitting dip. For me, however, it was never just dip. I came here a three way addict with a depression kicker. Depression won. Alcohol won. Nicotine won. I failed you guys, my wife and family, and myself. The intro title of somebody here who I think very highly of says, "I'm Back: I'm Dumb." Sums it up pretty freaking well, I think. I'm very dumb.
Before I get to my three questions (as best I remember them), I want you guys to read a quote from As Bill Sees It, which is basically an alcoholics guide for life filled with quotes from AA's founder. I want you to remember it while you read my words for two reasons: 1) I've fought against AA for literally years, but now I see as I have no other choice. 2) What he says in this quote has never happened to me, and it's probably because my relationship with God is essentially "I know he exists because nothing would make sense if somebody's not responsible." But I have no real relationship with God. This quote says absolutely nothing about having a relationship with God, but it also says everything about it. This quote has stayed with me for days and I can't get past it. Here it is:
"It has often been said of AA that we are interested only in alcoholism. That is not true. We have to get over drinking in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the alcoholic personality by firsthand contact knows that no true alky ever stops drinking permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."
My personality change never happened, I think, because I expected some unicorn of spirituality to ride in and save me from all the demons that I'm too weak to defeat alone as soon as I quit drinking and dipping. It doesn't happen that way. I know that now. Parputt tried to convince me I needed AA. He even said he loved the AA life. I never understood that because I never convinced myself that being sober forever held any amount of happiness in it. All of you have tried to convince me, though most not directly, that this site works if you drink the Kool-Aid and do as prescribed. I didn't . I posted whenever the heck I wanted to, I didn't get involved. For that, I'm sorry. My failure is completely on me. It is for me to live with and grow from. And I will. I am joining my brother-in-law's AA home group tonight and a local beginners meeting later this week because I'd love to begin this journey with others like me.
As for my involvement here, I'm not going anywhere. It is grossly apparent now that I need all the help and support I can get. I haven't looked to see what group I'm in now, but I'm going to post early daily and I'm going to get involved as much as I can with my added AA commitment and a renewed vow to my wife and family. There's always been something on this site that I've seen when people cave but I've never understood. When I finally made the decision to cave, I didn't want to call one of you for help. I didn't want any kind of help whatsoever. I didn't want anybody to yell at me or try to convince me not to do it. I guess all that proves is that addiction mixed with depression is bad and that I was never fully committed to this site or to the guys who have supported me thus far. For that, I hope you guys will see the contrition in my words and allow me a second chance.
I think I've hit on most of the three questions in some form, but allow me to tell a story so that you can see what my rock bottom looked like. I want it on my intro forever and ever so that I can see what an awful creature my family somehow loves.
I haven't allowed myself any cash since I came here nearly three months ago. All of our accounts are joint, so my wife would see if I bought anything, and I always brought receipts home. I was doing my damnedest to earn her trust, even if I felt like a child while doing it. It was protecting me from me. But depression got worse. I strayed farther away from here. I didn't listen to Parputt or myself and get my ass to AA. Because I couldn't use my own checking account and I couldn't tell my wife how badly I needed to cheat, cave, give up, whatever the word is, I ended up stealing from my parents and - this is rock bottom - my own twelve year old daughter. I had to get the cash to get the beer and dip because I didn't know how to find happiness and contentment without them. I still don't, but that kind of rock bottom will make you seek it in ways you never wanted to. Sitting down with your daughter and seeing the hurt and confusion in her eyes that daddy stole from me was probably the most humbling moment in my life.
I'm on day three. Some of you have supported me from the beginning and I am sorry I failed you. I won't do that again, but like I told my wife, I'd rather you not believe me. I need to prove it to all of you, but mostly I'm well aware that I need to prove it to myself. If some of you feel the need to bash me for caving even after reading this, fine. I might ignore it, but you're free to do it. If you guys that supported me don't want to anymore, I deserve that, too. But I hope you guys will give me a second chance and hold me accountable for drinking the KTC Kool-Aid. I believe you all that this place works if you do as prescribed. I believe Parputt that the AA life is good. I've seen what rock bottom looks like now. Anything, even if true happiness and contentment is never reached, is better than telling your daughter you stole from her to do the very thing that makes her cry.
That took some personal courage to come in here and write that open, honest assessment of the person you were (operative word is WERE). You can change, you CAN beat this (these?) addiction(s). We can help, but only if you stick close to the site, build that net of accountability, and be willing to accept the responsibility that comes with being a part of this forum. Glad you came back; not everyone does. This time, let's make it stick, okay? You got my numbers; use them.
Listen to ^^^this guy ^^^ - he speaks the truth and he is someone you want to have on your side. It did take a lot of guts to come clean the way you did.
You said you never convinced yourself that being sober forever held any amount of happiness in it. And I thought to myself, that is a perfect example as to why we say to only quit one day at a time. It is too easy to believe that the emptiness, the gaping hole you feel is going to be with you forever. It won't be. One day you just realize that things aren't as hard as it used to be. It is a very subtle process and it takes time. All those addictive substances have done a serious job on your physically and for a long time. But just imagine how great it is going to be to reclaim your life without that poison controlling you!! I wish for you that freedom.
I see you have posted a day 3 in September. What great news! I recommend you not only WUPP every day - but that you step up and take a leadership in the month. Take command of the SSOA, track down the missing, stir things up a little. Give out your digits to your September brothers and sisters. Dig that quit hole that Wildirish always talks about.
You can do this.
You have my digits if you need anything.
-
Hey bud,
I'm no shrink, so please take what I have to say as brother-to-brother, not as any sort of prescriptive advice. First, it took me nearly three full months to feel anything close to what I would classify as "normal". I'm a generally upbeat person, but there were some very long, very gray days that first summer of 2014. Then one afternoon, standing on my back deck, all of a sudden I realized just how colorful the flowers were, how deep green the lawn, how crystal blue the skies. That was a turning point.... the days that followed weren't all sunshine and rainbows, but that afternoon began sort of a transformation.... slowly the gray days where I was just foggily muddling through gave way to more and more moments of clarity and true thanksgiving that I finally was beginning to control something that had controlled me for nearly four decades.
So, yeah, I think time has an awful lot to do with it. I also think you need to be intentional about seeking out those things that gave you (and still give you) joy, peace, and contentment. For me, I feel best when I am involved in helping others who need it. I truly believe if you focus on helping others, you wind up feeling much better about yourself. That old saying about it being better to give than receive truly does have some merit.
I think you have my numbers. If you ever need to use them, please don't hesitate. You have much better days ahead....you'll get there!
Thanks guys. I'll take quitter shrinks over real shrinks all damn day. It's one reason I continue to refuse when my wife mentions going to see a counselor. None of them are former addicts!!!! At least none that I've heard of around me. Even still, the next thing I contest is that any addict that has fought it for any length of time should know every damn thing a "real" shrink can possibly say anyway. So why waste the money hearing shit you already know!!!! That's why I'd rather bring my shit to you guys.
I was coming home from work today before reading what you guys wrote, and I just started crying. I just want the demons to go away. I just want my life, my wife, my kids, hell, even the two dogs that live here that I don't really like to bring me joy. I know it's just time. I believe you're both right about that. But these fucking demons put all this shit that ruled my life on pedestals and somehow my brain just glorifies it until it drives me fucking mad.
I just wouldn't wish addiction on anybody. And anybody that says addiction isn't a mental illness is out of their fucking minds. It absolutely is. And I hate it. Can't wait for that day you guys are talking about. Until then, Welbutrin is no match for an addicts mind.
But I will win this time. This shit will not beat me. I won't fucking let it.
Okay, I have been sitting back thinking about how to respond with what has happened recently. I am an addict, and I am a therapist. YOU want to know about me, look at my introduction: Do not feed the Gorillia topic/30173119/1/#new (http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/30173119/1/#new)
First I would like to say that we all grow up in these families and around different people, this is where we learn to cope with what happens in our lives. Whether it is a good coping mechanism or a bad coping mechanism. This is where we gain our knowledge and use it. To me, seeing a therapist is adding a different tool to handle things that happen to us. Quit using a damn screw driver to pull a 3.5" deck screw out, use a power screw driver. Many of us have that background that you do not believe exists in the field of therapy. Besides, you have the key to fix yourself, people like me do not. We can just bring a different perspective into it. Yes some therapist are better than others depending on who you are. We all have different backgrounds, different educations, and different personal drivers to do the thing that we do: helping others. Man my nose is itching.
The first thing to realize is, your brain is not your friend. Okay, it is like this. Where would you be today, right this very minute as you are reading, if you had listened to, and acted on/or did, every thought that crossed your mind. Where????
Next, realize that we pick and chose what thoughts that are thrown at us to think on. (by the way, is your nose itching) We chose to ignore some, and we chose to think about others. Now, recognize that our brain is doing its job, it is using everything that it has experienced, saw, read about, soaked in, or fears, and wants to use this information to predict the future to protect you. It is always trying to manage pain(emotional) and keep you physically safe from your environment, as well as those around you. Do not judge your thoughts as either good or bad, your brain is doing what it perceives as its job. Sadly, most of what it is throwing are balls of shit at your barn wall. Do not pick up the shit ball, it sticks to you. In a different way of looking at it, think of your thoughts like a comic word bubble, or shall we call it word balloon. As these balloon thoughts float by, recognize them as just thoughts, your brain is doing its job. Now, that balloon has a string attached, and when we start latching onto the string, or thought bubble, it sticks to us. (Is your nose itching?) It is like it has Velcro attached or like a spider web, the harder you fight the thought, the more it strings around and attaches to you. Fuck, it is hard to wipe a spider web off, it sticks. This is what happens when we focus on a thought. It sticks to us, and our mind really does not want to let it go. It keeps going back and mulling it over... don't grab the string/spider web/shit ball. Recognize your brain is just working over time.
Okay, I saw that you were joining AA, good stuff. Do not be afraid of talking to someone. I would recommend someone skilled in Acceptance Commitment Therapy(ACT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Both are really good, I prefer ACT myself. It has you looking at living in the moment, which is all that really matters. You cannot change yesterday, odds are against you predicting tomorrow accurately. So, did you touch your nose? Mindfulness applies to both, look it up and learn diaphragmatic deep breathing. If someone like me can do this, truly, someone like you can too... PM me anytime you would like, I know it is not easy, but life is not easy. Getting sober and clean will be one of the hardest things you have ever done, but it is more than worth it!!! I have to say, being clean and sober is the most rewarding thing that I have ever done. As someone who has been there, YOU can do this...
-
Hey bud,
I'm no shrink, so please take what I have to say as brother-to-brother, not as any sort of prescriptive advice. First, it took me nearly three full months to feel anything close to what I would classify as "normal". I'm a generally upbeat person, but there were some very long, very gray days that first summer of 2014. Then one afternoon, standing on my back deck, all of a sudden I realized just how colorful the flowers were, how deep green the lawn, how crystal blue the skies. That was a turning point.... the days that followed weren't all sunshine and rainbows, but that afternoon began sort of a transformation.... slowly the gray days where I was just foggily muddling through gave way to more and more moments of clarity and true thanksgiving that I finally was beginning to control something that had controlled me for nearly four decades.
So, yeah, I think time has an awful lot to do with it. I also think you need to be intentional about seeking out those things that gave you (and still give you) joy, peace, and contentment. For me, I feel best when I am involved in helping others who need it. I truly believe if you focus on helping others, you wind up feeling much better about yourself. That old saying about it being better to give than receive truly does have some merit.
I think you have my numbers. If you ever need to use them, please don't hesitate. You have much better days ahead....you'll get there!
Thanks guys. I'll take quitter shrinks over real shrinks all damn day. It's one reason I continue to refuse when my wife mentions going to see a counselor. None of them are former addicts!!!! At least none that I've heard of around me. Even still, the next thing I contest is that any addict that has fought it for any length of time should know every damn thing a "real" shrink can possibly say anyway. So why waste the money hearing shit you already know!!!! That's why I'd rather bring my shit to you guys.
I was coming home from work today before reading what you guys wrote, and I just started crying. I just want the demons to go away. I just want my life, my wife, my kids, hell, even the two dogs that live here that I don't really like to bring me joy. I know it's just time. I believe you're both right about that. But these fucking demons put all this shit that ruled my life on pedestals and somehow my brain just glorifies it until it drives me fucking mad.
I just wouldn't wish addiction on anybody. And anybody that says addiction isn't a mental illness is out of their fucking minds. It absolutely is. And I hate it. Can't wait for that day you guys are talking about. Until then, Welbutrin is no match for an addicts mind.
But I will win this time. This shit will not beat me. I won't fucking let it.
Okay, I have been sitting back thinking about how to respond with what has happened recently. I am an addict, and I am a therapist. YOU want to know about me, look at my introduction: Do not feed the Gorillia topic/30173119/1/#new (http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/30173119/1/#new)
First I would like to say that we all grow up in these families and around different people, this is where we learn to cope with what happens in our lives. Whether it is a good coping mechanism or a bad coping mechanism. This is where we gain our knowledge and use it. To me, seeing a therapist is adding a different tool to handle things that happen to us. Quit using a damn screw driver to pull a 3.5" deck screw out, use a power screw driver. Many of us have that background that you do not believe exists in the field of therapy. Besides, you have the key to fix yourself, people like me do not. We can just bring a different perspective into it. Yes some therapist are better than others depending on who you are. We all have different backgrounds, different educations, and different personal drivers to do the thing that we do: helping others. Man my nose is itching.
The first thing to realize is, your brain is not your friend. Okay, it is like this. Where would you be today, right this very minute as you are reading, if you had listened to, and acted on/or did, every thought that crossed your mind. Where????
Next, realize that we pick and chose what thoughts that are thrown at us to think on. (by the way, is your nose itching) We chose to ignore some, and we chose to think about others. Now, recognize that our brain is doing its job, it is using everything that it has experienced, saw, read about, soaked in, or fears, and wants to use this information to predict the future to protect you. It is always trying to manage pain(emotional) and keep you physically safe from your environment, as well as those around you. Do not judge your thoughts as either good or bad, your brain is doing what it perceives as its job. Sadly, most of what it is throwing are balls of shit at your barn wall. Do not pick up the shit ball, it sticks to you. In a different way of looking at it, think of your thoughts like a comic word bubble, or shall we call it word balloon. As these balloon thoughts float by, recognize them as just thoughts, your brain is doing its job. Now, that balloon has a string attached, and when we start latching onto the string, or thought bubble, it sticks to us. (Is your nose itching?) It is like it has Velcro attached or like a spider web, the harder you fight the thought, the more it strings around and attaches to you. Fuck, it is hard to wipe a spider web off, it sticks. This is what happens when we focus on a thought. It sticks to us, and our mind really does not want to let it go. It keeps going back and mulling it over... don't grab the string/spider web/shit ball. Recognize your brain is just working over time.
Okay, I saw that you were joining AA, good stuff. Do not be afraid of talking to someone. I would recommend someone skilled in Acceptance Commitment Therapy(ACT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Both are really good, I prefer ACT myself. It has you looking at living in the moment, which is all that really matters. You cannot change yesterday, odds are against you predicting tomorrow accurately. So, did you touch your nose? Mindfulness applies to both, look it up and learn diaphragmatic deep breathing. If someone like me can do this, truly, someone like you can too... PM me anytime you would like, I know it is not easy, but life is not easy. Getting sober and clean will be one of the hardest things you have ever done, but it is more than worth it!!! I have to say, being clean and sober is the most rewarding thing that I have ever done. As someone who has been there, YOU can do this...
So I read this earlier and told me wife about it. She rolled her eyes. She knew exactly what my thoughts were. She's tried to get me to see a counselor many, many times. She has tried and tried to pinpoint the reason for what is essentially this: I lack confidence in myself to be successful at pretty much anything except my job, which leads to temporary depression which leads to reclusion which inevitably leads to my "happy place" of nic and beer. Those may not be her exact words for how she sees it, but that's how I see it (because I quit both seven hundred times and always came back after pretty much hitting those same steps.) She also thinks there's some long-suppressed feelings from the loss of my first wife when my daughter was really small. That's most definitely not true because I am all-in with my new wife, but I spent a number of years as a single dad, which is really when the alcohol problems started. Rather than choosing to be the young, single, widowed dad dating as many single moms as I could, I chose to stay in and drink and dip, even when my daughter was staying somewhere else. Smart guy, huh?
But the real reason she rolled her eyes when I told her about your post is because I have always said, "Going to a therapist will literally anger me because I know everything they can possibly say. Everything. They cannot surprise me with what they say." For now, I'll back off that a little. You're pretty much dead on. And I NEVER would have thought of those analogies.
My favorite question you asked was about where would we be if we acted on every thought we ever had. In a nutshell, I think that's what happened. I grabbed all those thought balloons and they kept destroying my brain for much, much longer than I've ever allowed (because I no longer had my typical "releases,") and my normal sporadic, short-lived depression ballooned into some atypical reclusion. And for me, that reclusion meant there was no way in hell I was going to ask for help and there was no way in hell it wasn't going to end in failure and a cave, but the part that will probably bother me forever is that there is no way in hell I ever could have foreseen taking money from my daughter in order to not alert my wife that I had taken money out of our account. That was a brand new level of depression and irrationality. I had raped my brain with all those thoughts so badly at that point that I had somehow rationalized it to be ok.
The one thing I'm proud about, and you guys can see it this way or not, I really don't care, but I confessed pretty damn quickly. Yes, it took me a few days to get over the depression of what I had done, but I confessed. I didn't have to. I could have taken it to my grave. I don't want a cookie or a pat on the back for fucking doing what was right, but alcoholics lie!! That's one thing we're REALLY freaking good at. We lie!! But that's just simply not the man I am going to allow myself to be anymore. It was very humbling. And now, not only am I a proud member of AA, I'm getting my ass involved here as much as I possibly can, and I'm not against seeing a therapist or counselor. Thanks a bunch for the input. I'm going to read your post again tomorrow because I'm sure I missed something.
-
I wrote the following quote 19 days ago tomorrow, but not exactly as it's written below. It came from an AA book called As Bill Sees It. The difference in how it's written this time is that I've changed everything about drinking and AA and replaced it with dipping and KTC.
"It has often been said of KTC that we are interested only in attacking nicotine addiction. That is not true. We have to get over dipping in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the nicotine addict's personality by firsthand contact knows that no true addict ever stops dipping permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."
I know it's only been 19 days. Trust me, I know. Please nobody attack me for sounding any amounts of profound after JUST 19 days. But think about that statement. It works for alcohol AND nicotine. Put both addictions together, like in my case, and it is ABSOLUTELY true. I would almost guarantee that each and every one of your personalities changed the further you moved away from dip. I wondered aloud on here when I caved why I liked that saying so much, and I think I have a little clearer answer as to why now. Yes, after ONLY 19 days I have a pretty definitive reason why I was drawn to that saying.
It's because I truly didn't believe it could ever happen to me. I did not think I was capable of a personality change so profound that I could stay away from my many addictions. Now I know it can change that profoundly. I know I can change the parts of me that I truly despise and, in turn, alter my own personality. I can already feel it happening. I'm not about to say something stupid like "I'm cured" after 19 days. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to presume that I have suddenly won the trust of everybody on this site. Hell no. I know I haven't. That's stupid. I probably won't say either of those things a year from now either.
But I see it in my attitude every morning when I wake up. I see it in the way I smile at absolutely nothing. I see it in the little ways a man who was wholly selfish for 20 plus years is finding himself astonished by the thoughts that are starting to be about my wife, my kids, my coworkers, new KTC friends, even random people on the road I used to flip off because they were making me late for a dip and a beer. It's just little stuff. But I now know it's possible.
I don't have to guess at what's different. I absolutely know what's different this time. I completely and wholeheartedly gave up trying to beat addiction alone. I just quit. I gave up. It was just not for me to try to do alone anymore. I gave my addiction to you guys. I gave it to a couple of different groups of AA. I allowed you all to help me. It was absolutely terrifying and yet it was the best decision I've made in my entire life, and that includes my wife and kids. I literally quit pride and ego before I ever quit dip and alcohol. And for that, I'm exceedingly proud. I actually respect myself for the first time in my adult life. I have half-assed a number of stoppages in my life, from dip and/or alcohol, but I went all in this time. A good Christian would say they gave themselves to the Lord. Well, I'm not a very good Christian (yet, maybe), but I gave myself to KTC and AA. I gave my life to a bunch of strangers and asked you to help me save it. And that decision is more important than the decision to marry my wife. And I'd tell her the same thing. I love her with all my heart, but only a bunch of strangers just like me can save my life.
The people caving all around me has actually been really good for me. I haven't enjoyed it necessarily, but I sat around here for 84 days sympathizing with the cavers, even privately consoling them. I was doing that because I knew in my heart I wasn't done. I wasn't mad enough yet. Mostly, though, I simply wasn't ready to admit I needed help. All the people around me caving, they aren't there yet. They are too proud to ask for help. I truly believe that anybody who has dipped for ANY amount of time knows they should quit. I'd venture to guess that they even want to. But very few of them have the ability to drop every ounce of ego, kneel at the alter of KTC, AA, NA, SA, whatever, and just say, "I need all of you or I will kill myself."
If you're new and you think you can do it alone, I wish you luck. Come read this and many, many brilliant quitters that came before me when you fail. If you are new and think you can post roll and have absolutely NO relationship with people on this site that TRULY care about you and they don't even freaking know you? Good luck. You'll do the same thing I did 19 days ago and a few others recently did. You won't be close enough to call these people your friends. And if you are ANY kind of person, you will NOT let your friends down. You have to get involved. You have to make friends. You have to give your addiction to somebody else and say, "I need some help with this? Would you mind?" And when you do that, you don't get just one or two people to help you, you literally get hundreds. I've become so involved here that people are probably going to grow sick of me, but I TRULY DO NOT CARE. Y'all are saving my life. I am actually very thankful that I caved 19 days ago. It made me give up and give all my addictions to you guys and those wonderful rooms of AA.
Yeah, all the things I've just said might sound kinda big and robust for 19 days, but you're talking about a man that battled three kinds of addiction with a nice depression syrup on top. I haven't believed in myself in a LONG time. And I mean REALLY believed in myself. I believe in me because a lot of you guys have shown me HOW to believe in me. I actually like the man that looks back at me in the mirror, even naked with the extra ten pounds of chocolate. So this is just a great big thanks for that. I might not be the best Christian, but I thank God for this place of refuge and hope every single day. I've never seen a single one of your faces, but I just love you all.
-
I wrote the following quote 19 days ago tomorrow, but not exactly as it's written below. It came from an AA book called As Bill Sees It. The difference in how it's written this time is that I've changed everything about drinking and AA and replaced it with dipping and KTC.
"It has often been said of KTC that we are interested only in attacking nicotine addiction. That is not true. We have to get over dipping in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the nicotine addict's personality by firsthand contact knows that no true addict ever stops dipping permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."
I know it's only been 19 days. Trust me, I know. Please nobody attack me for sounding any amounts of profound after JUST 19 days. But think about that statement. It works for alcohol AND nicotine. Put both addictions together, like in my case, and it is ABSOLUTELY true. I would almost guarantee that each and every one of your personalities changed the further you moved away from dip. I wondered aloud on here when I caved why I liked that saying so much, and I think I have a little clearer answer as to why now. Yes, after ONLY 19 days I have a pretty definitive reason why I was drawn to that saying.
It's because I truly didn't believe it could ever happen to me. I did not think I was capable of a personality change so profound that I could stay away from my many addictions. Now I know it can change that profoundly. I know I can change the parts of me that I truly despise and, in turn, alter my own personality. I can already feel it happening. I'm not about to say something stupid like "I'm cured" after 19 days. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to presume that I have suddenly won the trust of everybody on this site. Hell no. I know I haven't. That's stupid. I probably won't say either of those things a year from now either.
But I see it in my attitude every morning when I wake up. I see it in the way I smile at absolutely nothing. I see it in the little ways a man who was wholly selfish for 20 plus years is finding himself astonished by the thoughts that are starting to be about my wife, my kids, my coworkers, new KTC friends, even random people on the road I used to flip off because they were making me late for a dip and a beer. It's just little stuff. But I now know it's possible.
I don't have to guess at what's different. I absolutely know what's different this time. I completely and wholeheartedly gave up trying to beat addiction alone. I just quit. I gave up. It was just not for me to try to do alone anymore. I gave my addiction to you guys. I gave it to a couple of different groups of AA. I allowed you all to help me. It was absolutely terrifying and yet it was the best decision I've made in my entire life, and that includes my wife and kids. I literally quit pride and ego before I ever quit dip and alcohol. And for that, I'm exceedingly proud. I actually respect myself for the first time in my adult life. I have half-assed a number of stoppages in my life, from dip and/or alcohol, but I went all in this time. A good Christian would say they gave themselves to the Lord. Well, I'm not a very good Christian (yet, maybe), but I gave myself to KTC and AA. I gave my life to a bunch of strangers and asked you to help me save it. And that decision is more important than the decision to marry my wife. And I'd tell her the same thing. I love her with all my heart, but only a bunch of strangers just like me can save my life.
The people caving all around me has actually been really good for me. I haven't enjoyed it necessarily, but I sat around here for 84 days sympathizing with the cavers, even privately consoling them. I was doing that because I knew in my heart I wasn't done. I wasn't mad enough yet. Mostly, though, I simply wasn't ready to admit I needed help. All the people around me caving, they aren't there yet. They are too proud to ask for help. I truly believe that anybody who has dipped for ANY amount of time knows they should quit. I'd venture to guess that they even want to. But very few of them have the ability to drop every ounce of ego, kneel at the alter of KTC, AA, NA, SA, whatever, and just say, "I need all of you or I will kill myself."
If you're new and you think you can do it alone, I wish you luck. Come read this and many, many brilliant quitters that came before me when you fail. If you are new and think you can post roll and have absolutely NO relationship with people on this site that TRULY care about you and they don't even freaking know you? Good luck. You'll do the same thing I did 19 days ago and a few others recently did. You won't be close enough to call these people your friends. And if you are ANY kind of person, you will NOT let your friends down. You have to get involved. You have to make friends. You have to give your addiction to somebody else and say, "I need some help with this? Would you mind?" And when you do that, you don't get just one or two people to help you, you literally get hundreds. I've become so involved here that people are probably going to grow sick of me, but I TRULY DO NOT CARE. Y'all are saving my life. I am actually very thankful that I caved 19 days ago. It made me give up and give all my addictions to you guys and those wonderful rooms of AA.
Yeah, all the things I've just said might sound kinda big and robust for 19 days, but you're talking about a man that battled three kinds of addiction with a nice depression syrup on top. I haven't believed in myself in a LONG time. And I mean REALLY believed in myself. I believe in me because a lot of you guys have shown me HOW to believe in me. I actually like the man that looks back at me in the mirror, even naked with the extra ten pounds of chocolate. So this is just a great big thanks for that. I might not be the best Christian, but I thank God for this place of refuge and hope every single day. I've never seen a single one of your faces, but I just love you all.
Wow.
Outstanding stuff, bro. Just... outstanding.
There really does come that moment when you own what you're doing. For some it's right at the beginning. For others... well... it's later or never.
Push on through, man. Freedom gets waaaaay better and it's so damn cool.
Good on ya...
-
I wrote the following quote 19 days ago tomorrow, but not exactly as it's written below. It came from an AA book called As Bill Sees It. The difference in how it's written this time is that I've changed everything about drinking and AA and replaced it with dipping and KTC.
"It has often been said of KTC that we are interested only in attacking nicotine addiction. That is not true. We have to get over dipping in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the nicotine addict's personality by firsthand contact knows that no true addict ever stops dipping permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."
I know it's only been 19 days. Trust me, I know. Please nobody attack me for sounding any amounts of profound after JUST 19 days. But think about that statement. It works for alcohol AND nicotine. Put both addictions together, like in my case, and it is ABSOLUTELY true. I would almost guarantee that each and every one of your personalities changed the further you moved away from dip. I wondered aloud on here when I caved why I liked that saying so much, and I think I have a little clearer answer as to why now. Yes, after ONLY 19 days I have a pretty definitive reason why I was drawn to that saying.
It's because I truly didn't believe it could ever happen to me. I did not think I was capable of a personality change so profound that I could stay away from my many addictions. Now I know it can change that profoundly. I know I can change the parts of me that I truly despise and, in turn, alter my own personality. I can already feel it happening. I'm not about to say something stupid like "I'm cured" after 19 days. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to presume that I have suddenly won the trust of everybody on this site. Hell no. I know I haven't. That's stupid. I probably won't say either of those things a year from now either.
But I see it in my attitude every morning when I wake up. I see it in the way I smile at absolutely nothing. I see it in the little ways a man who was wholly selfish for 20 plus years is finding himself astonished by the thoughts that are starting to be about my wife, my kids, my coworkers, new KTC friends, even random people on the road I used to flip off because they were making me late for a dip and a beer. It's just little stuff. But I now know it's possible.
I don't have to guess at what's different. I absolutely know what's different this time. I completely and wholeheartedly gave up trying to beat addiction alone. I just quit. I gave up. It was just not for me to try to do alone anymore. I gave my addiction to you guys. I gave it to a couple of different groups of AA. I allowed you all to help me. It was absolutely terrifying and yet it was the best decision I've made in my entire life, and that includes my wife and kids. I literally quit pride and ego before I ever quit dip and alcohol. And for that, I'm exceedingly proud. I actually respect myself for the first time in my adult life. I have half-assed a number of stoppages in my life, from dip and/or alcohol, but I went all in this time. A good Christian would say they gave themselves to the Lord. Well, I'm not a very good Christian (yet, maybe), but I gave myself to KTC and AA. I gave my life to a bunch of strangers and asked you to help me save it. And that decision is more important than the decision to marry my wife. And I'd tell her the same thing. I love her with all my heart, but only a bunch of strangers just like me can save my life.
The people caving all around me has actually been really good for me. I haven't enjoyed it necessarily, but I sat around here for 84 days sympathizing with the cavers, even privately consoling them. I was doing that because I knew in my heart I wasn't done. I wasn't mad enough yet. Mostly, though, I simply wasn't ready to admit I needed help. All the people around me caving, they aren't there yet. They are too proud to ask for help. I truly believe that anybody who has dipped for ANY amount of time knows they should quit. I'd venture to guess that they even want to. But very few of them have the ability to drop every ounce of ego, kneel at the alter of KTC, AA, NA, SA, whatever, and just say, "I need all of you or I will kill myself."
If you're new and you think you can do it alone, I wish you luck. Come read this and many, many brilliant quitters that came before me when you fail. If you are new and think you can post roll and have absolutely NO relationship with people on this site that TRULY care about you and they don't even freaking know you? Good luck. You'll do the same thing I did 19 days ago and a few others recently did. You won't be close enough to call these people your friends. And if you are ANY kind of person, you will NOT let your friends down. You have to get involved. You have to make friends. You have to give your addiction to somebody else and say, "I need some help with this? Would you mind?" And when you do that, you don't get just one or two people to help you, you literally get hundreds. I've become so involved here that people are probably going to grow sick of me, but I TRULY DO NOT CARE. Y'all are saving my life. I am actually very thankful that I caved 19 days ago. It made me give up and give all my addictions to you guys and those wonderful rooms of AA.
Yeah, all the things I've just said might sound kinda big and robust for 19 days, but you're talking about a man that battled three kinds of addiction with a nice depression syrup on top. I haven't believed in myself in a LONG time. And I mean REALLY believed in myself. I believe in me because a lot of you guys have shown me HOW to believe in me. I actually like the man that looks back at me in the mirror, even naked with the extra ten pounds of chocolate. So this is just a great big thanks for that. I might not be the best Christian, but I thank God for this place of refuge and hope every single day. I've never seen a single one of your faces, but I just love you all.
Wow.
Outstanding stuff, bro. Just... outstanding.
There really does come that moment when you own what you're doing. For some it's right at the beginning. For others... well... it's later or never.
Push on through, man. Freedom gets waaaaay better and it's so damn cool.
Good on ya...
Anything I would say to try and add to what AJ just said wouldn't be worth your time to read it.
Absolutely LOVE the way you came back and owned this quit.... It's nice to sit back and watch you work your magic in September '17!
-
I wrote the following quote 19 days ago tomorrow, but not exactly as it's written below. It came from an AA book called As Bill Sees It. The difference in how it's written this time is that I've changed everything about drinking and AA and replaced it with dipping and KTC.
"It has often been said of KTC that we are interested only in attacking nicotine addiction. That is not true. We have to get over dipping in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the nicotine addict's personality by firsthand contact knows that no true addict ever stops dipping permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."
I know it's only been 19 days. Trust me, I know. Please nobody attack me for sounding any amounts of profound after JUST 19 days. But think about that statement. It works for alcohol AND nicotine. Put both addictions together, like in my case, and it is ABSOLUTELY true. I would almost guarantee that each and every one of your personalities changed the further you moved away from dip. I wondered aloud on here when I caved why I liked that saying so much, and I think I have a little clearer answer as to why now. Yes, after ONLY 19 days I have a pretty definitive reason why I was drawn to that saying.
It's because I truly didn't believe it could ever happen to me. I did not think I was capable of a personality change so profound that I could stay away from my many addictions. Now I know it can change that profoundly. I know I can change the parts of me that I truly despise and, in turn, alter my own personality. I can already feel it happening. I'm not about to say something stupid like "I'm cured" after 19 days. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to presume that I have suddenly won the trust of everybody on this site. Hell no. I know I haven't. That's stupid. I probably won't say either of those things a year from now either.
But I see it in my attitude every morning when I wake up. I see it in the way I smile at absolutely nothing. I see it in the little ways a man who was wholly selfish for 20 plus years is finding himself astonished by the thoughts that are starting to be about my wife, my kids, my coworkers, new KTC friends, even random people on the road I used to flip off because they were making me late for a dip and a beer. It's just little stuff. But I now know it's possible.
I don't have to guess at what's different. I absolutely know what's different this time. I completely and wholeheartedly gave up trying to beat addiction alone. I just quit. I gave up. It was just not for me to try to do alone anymore. I gave my addiction to you guys. I gave it to a couple of different groups of AA. I allowed you all to help me. It was absolutely terrifying and yet it was the best decision I've made in my entire life, and that includes my wife and kids. I literally quit pride and ego before I ever quit dip and alcohol. And for that, I'm exceedingly proud. I actually respect myself for the first time in my adult life. I have half-assed a number of stoppages in my life, from dip and/or alcohol, but I went all in this time. A good Christian would say they gave themselves to the Lord. Well, I'm not a very good Christian (yet, maybe), but I gave myself to KTC and AA. I gave my life to a bunch of strangers and asked you to help me save it. And that decision is more important than the decision to marry my wife. And I'd tell her the same thing. I love her with all my heart, but only a bunch of strangers just like me can save my life.
The people caving all around me has actually been really good for me. I haven't enjoyed it necessarily, but I sat around here for 84 days sympathizing with the cavers, even privately consoling them. I was doing that because I knew in my heart I wasn't done. I wasn't mad enough yet. Mostly, though, I simply wasn't ready to admit I needed help. All the people around me caving, they aren't there yet. They are too proud to ask for help. I truly believe that anybody who has dipped for ANY amount of time knows they should quit. I'd venture to guess that they even want to. But very few of them have the ability to drop every ounce of ego, kneel at the alter of KTC, AA, NA, SA, whatever, and just say, "I need all of you or I will kill myself."
If you're new and you think you can do it alone, I wish you luck. Come read this and many, many brilliant quitters that came before me when you fail. If you are new and think you can post roll and have absolutely NO relationship with people on this site that TRULY care about you and they don't even freaking know you? Good luck. You'll do the same thing I did 19 days ago and a few others recently did. You won't be close enough to call these people your friends. And if you are ANY kind of person, you will NOT let your friends down. You have to get involved. You have to make friends. You have to give your addiction to somebody else and say, "I need some help with this? Would you mind?" And when you do that, you don't get just one or two people to help you, you literally get hundreds. I've become so involved here that people are probably going to grow sick of me, but I TRULY DO NOT CARE. Y'all are saving my life. I am actually very thankful that I caved 19 days ago. It made me give up and give all my addictions to you guys and those wonderful rooms of AA.
Yeah, all the things I've just said might sound kinda big and robust for 19 days, but you're talking about a man that battled three kinds of addiction with a nice depression syrup on top. I haven't believed in myself in a LONG time. And I mean REALLY believed in myself. I believe in me because a lot of you guys have shown me HOW to believe in me. I actually like the man that looks back at me in the mirror, even naked with the extra ten pounds of chocolate. So this is just a great big thanks for that. I might not be the best Christian, but I thank God for this place of refuge and hope every single day. I've never seen a single one of your faces, but I just love you all.
Wow.
Outstanding stuff, bro. Just... outstanding.
There really does come that moment when you own what you're doing. For some it's right at the beginning. For others... well... it's later or never.
Push on through, man. Freedom gets waaaaay better and it's so damn cool.
Good on ya...
Anything I would say to try and add to what AJ just said wouldn't be worth your time to read it.
Absolutely LOVE the way you came back and owned this quit.... It's nice to sit back and watch you work your magic in September '17!
Real proud of you, PU! The Phoenix has risen from the ashes.
-
I wrote the following quote 19 days ago tomorrow, but not exactly as it's written below. It came from an AA book called As Bill Sees It. The difference in how it's written this time is that I've changed everything about drinking and AA and replaced it with dipping and KTC.
"It has often been said of KTC that we are interested only in attacking nicotine addiction. That is not true. We have to get over dipping in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the nicotine addict's personality by firsthand contact knows that no true addict ever stops dipping permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."
I know it's only been 19 days. Trust me, I know. Please nobody attack me for sounding any amounts of profound after JUST 19 days. But think about that statement. It works for alcohol AND nicotine. Put both addictions together, like in my case, and it is ABSOLUTELY true. I would almost guarantee that each and every one of your personalities changed the further you moved away from dip. I wondered aloud on here when I caved why I liked that saying so much, and I think I have a little clearer answer as to why now. Yes, after ONLY 19 days I have a pretty definitive reason why I was drawn to that saying.
It's because I truly didn't believe it could ever happen to me. I did not think I was capable of a personality change so profound that I could stay away from my many addictions. Now I know it can change that profoundly. I know I can change the parts of me that I truly despise and, in turn, alter my own personality. I can already feel it happening. I'm not about to say something stupid like "I'm cured" after 19 days. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to presume that I have suddenly won the trust of everybody on this site. Hell no. I know I haven't. That's stupid. I probably won't say either of those things a year from now either.
But I see it in my attitude every morning when I wake up. I see it in the way I smile at absolutely nothing. I see it in the little ways a man who was wholly selfish for 20 plus years is finding himself astonished by the thoughts that are starting to be about my wife, my kids, my coworkers, new KTC friends, even random people on the road I used to flip off because they were making me late for a dip and a beer. It's just little stuff. But I now know it's possible.
I don't have to guess at what's different. I absolutely know what's different this time. I completely and wholeheartedly gave up trying to beat addiction alone. I just quit. I gave up. It was just not for me to try to do alone anymore. I gave my addiction to you guys. I gave it to a couple of different groups of AA. I allowed you all to help me. It was absolutely terrifying and yet it was the best decision I've made in my entire life, and that includes my wife and kids. I literally quit pride and ego before I ever quit dip and alcohol. And for that, I'm exceedingly proud. I actually respect myself for the first time in my adult life. I have half-assed a number of stoppages in my life, from dip and/or alcohol, but I went all in this time. A good Christian would say they gave themselves to the Lord. Well, I'm not a very good Christian (yet, maybe), but I gave myself to KTC and AA. I gave my life to a bunch of strangers and asked you to help me save it. And that decision is more important than the decision to marry my wife. And I'd tell her the same thing. I love her with all my heart, but only a bunch of strangers just like me can save my life.
The people caving all around me has actually been really good for me. I haven't enjoyed it necessarily, but I sat around here for 84 days sympathizing with the cavers, even privately consoling them. I was doing that because I knew in my heart I wasn't done. I wasn't mad enough yet. Mostly, though, I simply wasn't ready to admit I needed help. All the people around me caving, they aren't there yet. They are too proud to ask for help. I truly believe that anybody who has dipped for ANY amount of time knows they should quit. I'd venture to guess that they even want to. But very few of them have the ability to drop every ounce of ego, kneel at the alter of KTC, AA, NA, SA, whatever, and just say, "I need all of you or I will kill myself."
If you're new and you think you can do it alone, I wish you luck. Come read this and many, many brilliant quitters that came before me when you fail. If you are new and think you can post roll and have absolutely NO relationship with people on this site that TRULY care about you and they don't even freaking know you? Good luck. You'll do the same thing I did 19 days ago and a few others recently did. You won't be close enough to call these people your friends. And if you are ANY kind of person, you will NOT let your friends down. You have to get involved. You have to make friends. You have to give your addiction to somebody else and say, "I need some help with this? Would you mind?" And when you do that, you don't get just one or two people to help you, you literally get hundreds. I've become so involved here that people are probably going to grow sick of me, but I TRULY DO NOT CARE. Y'all are saving my life. I am actually very thankful that I caved 19 days ago. It made me give up and give all my addictions to you guys and those wonderful rooms of AA.
Yeah, all the things I've just said might sound kinda big and robust for 19 days, but you're talking about a man that battled three kinds of addiction with a nice depression syrup on top. I haven't believed in myself in a LONG time. And I mean REALLY believed in myself. I believe in me because a lot of you guys have shown me HOW to believe in me. I actually like the man that looks back at me in the mirror, even naked with the extra ten pounds of chocolate. So this is just a great big thanks for that. I might not be the best Christian, but I thank God for this place of refuge and hope every single day. I've never seen a single one of your faces, but I just love you all.
Wow.
Outstanding stuff, bro. Just... outstanding.
There really does come that moment when you own what you're doing. For some it's right at the beginning. For others... well... it's later or never.
Push on through, man. Freedom gets waaaaay better and it's so damn cool.
Good on ya...
Anything I would say to try and add to what AJ just said wouldn't be worth your time to read it.
Absolutely LOVE the way you came back and owned this quit.... It's nice to sit back and watch you work your magic in September '17!
Real proud of you, PU! The Phoenix has risen from the ashes.
The story of a man finding himself! Very well said my friend, if you don't love yourself it's hard to truly love others. It's truly amazing how ktc has helped me change so many different things in my life because I was taught I can do anything one day at a time! Ktc is God sent, I honestly believe that. Damn proud to be quitting with you today
-
I wrote the following quote 19 days ago tomorrow, but not exactly as it's written below. It came from an AA book called As Bill Sees It. The difference in how it's written this time is that I've changed everything about drinking and AA and replaced it with dipping and KTC.
"It has often been said of KTC that we are interested only in attacking nicotine addiction. That is not true. We have to get over dipping in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the nicotine addict's personality by firsthand contact knows that no true addict ever stops dipping permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."
I know it's only been 19 days. Trust me, I know. Please nobody attack me for sounding any amounts of profound after JUST 19 days. But think about that statement. It works for alcohol AND nicotine. Put both addictions together, like in my case, and it is ABSOLUTELY true. I would almost guarantee that each and every one of your personalities changed the further you moved away from dip. I wondered aloud on here when I caved why I liked that saying so much, and I think I have a little clearer answer as to why now. Yes, after ONLY 19 days I have a pretty definitive reason why I was drawn to that saying.
It's because I truly didn't believe it could ever happen to me. I did not think I was capable of a personality change so profound that I could stay away from my many addictions. Now I know it can change that profoundly. I know I can change the parts of me that I truly despise and, in turn, alter my own personality. I can already feel it happening. I'm not about to say something stupid like "I'm cured" after 19 days. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to presume that I have suddenly won the trust of everybody on this site. Hell no. I know I haven't. That's stupid. I probably won't say either of those things a year from now either.
But I see it in my attitude every morning when I wake up. I see it in the way I smile at absolutely nothing. I see it in the little ways a man who was wholly selfish for 20 plus years is finding himself astonished by the thoughts that are starting to be about my wife, my kids, my coworkers, new KTC friends, even random people on the road I used to flip off because they were making me late for a dip and a beer. It's just little stuff. But I now know it's possible.
I don't have to guess at what's different. I absolutely know what's different this time. I completely and wholeheartedly gave up trying to beat addiction alone. I just quit. I gave up. It was just not for me to try to do alone anymore. I gave my addiction to you guys. I gave it to a couple of different groups of AA. I allowed you all to help me. It was absolutely terrifying and yet it was the best decision I've made in my entire life, and that includes my wife and kids. I literally quit pride and ego before I ever quit dip and alcohol. And for that, I'm exceedingly proud. I actually respect myself for the first time in my adult life. I have half-assed a number of stoppages in my life, from dip and/or alcohol, but I went all in this time. A good Christian would say they gave themselves to the Lord. Well, I'm not a very good Christian (yet, maybe), but I gave myself to KTC and AA. I gave my life to a bunch of strangers and asked you to help me save it. And that decision is more important than the decision to marry my wife. And I'd tell her the same thing. I love her with all my heart, but only a bunch of strangers just like me can save my life.
The people caving all around me has actually been really good for me. I haven't enjoyed it necessarily, but I sat around here for 84 days sympathizing with the cavers, even privately consoling them. I was doing that because I knew in my heart I wasn't done. I wasn't mad enough yet. Mostly, though, I simply wasn't ready to admit I needed help. All the people around me caving, they aren't there yet. They are too proud to ask for help. I truly believe that anybody who has dipped for ANY amount of time knows they should quit. I'd venture to guess that they even want to. But very few of them have the ability to drop every ounce of ego, kneel at the alter of KTC, AA, NA, SA, whatever, and just say, "I need all of you or I will kill myself."
If you're new and you think you can do it alone, I wish you luck. Come read this and many, many brilliant quitters that came before me when you fail. If you are new and think you can post roll and have absolutely NO relationship with people on this site that TRULY care about you and they don't even freaking know you? Good luck. You'll do the same thing I did 19 days ago and a few others recently did. You won't be close enough to call these people your friends. And if you are ANY kind of person, you will NOT let your friends down. You have to get involved. You have to make friends. You have to give your addiction to somebody else and say, "I need some help with this? Would you mind?" And when you do that, you don't get just one or two people to help you, you literally get hundreds. I've become so involved here that people are probably going to grow sick of me, but I TRULY DO NOT CARE. Y'all are saving my life. I am actually very thankful that I caved 19 days ago. It made me give up and give all my addictions to you guys and those wonderful rooms of AA.
Yeah, all the things I've just said might sound kinda big and robust for 19 days, but you're talking about a man that battled three kinds of addiction with a nice depression syrup on top. I haven't believed in myself in a LONG time. And I mean REALLY believed in myself. I believe in me because a lot of you guys have shown me HOW to believe in me. I actually like the man that looks back at me in the mirror, even naked with the extra ten pounds of chocolate. So this is just a great big thanks for that. I might not be the best Christian, but I thank God for this place of refuge and hope every single day. I've never seen a single one of your faces, but I just love you all.
Wow.
Outstanding stuff, bro. Just... outstanding.
There really does come that moment when you own what you're doing. For some it's right at the beginning. For others... well... it's later or never.
Push on through, man. Freedom gets waaaaay better and it's so damn cool.
Good on ya...
Anything I would say to try and add to what AJ just said wouldn't be worth your time to read it.
Absolutely LOVE the way you came back and owned this quit.... It's nice to sit back and watch you work your magic in September '17!
Real proud of you, PU! The Phoenix has risen from the ashes.
The story of a man finding himself! Very well said my friend, if you don't love yourself it's hard to truly love others. It's truly amazing how ktc has helped me change so many different things in my life because I was taught I can do anything one day at a time! Ktc is God sent, I honestly believe that. Damn proud to be quitting with you today
Dude lovin the quit.
Staying quit daily is a journey. Everyday I take a step away from who I was and a step closer to who I am becoming.
-
I wrote the following quote 19 days ago tomorrow, but not exactly as it's written below. It came from an AA book called As Bill Sees It. The difference in how it's written this time is that I've changed everything about drinking and AA and replaced it with dipping and KTC.
"It has often been said of KTC that we are interested only in attacking nicotine addiction. That is not true. We have to get over dipping in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the nicotine addict's personality by firsthand contact knows that no true addict ever stops dipping permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."
I know it's only been 19 days. Trust me, I know. Please nobody attack me for sounding any amounts of profound after JUST 19 days. But think about that statement. It works for alcohol AND nicotine. Put both addictions together, like in my case, and it is ABSOLUTELY true. I would almost guarantee that each and every one of your personalities changed the further you moved away from dip. I wondered aloud on here when I caved why I liked that saying so much, and I think I have a little clearer answer as to why now. Yes, after ONLY 19 days I have a pretty definitive reason why I was drawn to that saying.
It's because I truly didn't believe it could ever happen to me. I did not think I was capable of a personality change so profound that I could stay away from my many addictions. Now I know it can change that profoundly. I know I can change the parts of me that I truly despise and, in turn, alter my own personality. I can already feel it happening. I'm not about to say something stupid like "I'm cured" after 19 days. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to presume that I have suddenly won the trust of everybody on this site. Hell no. I know I haven't. That's stupid. I probably won't say either of those things a year from now either.
But I see it in my attitude every morning when I wake up. I see it in the way I smile at absolutely nothing. I see it in the little ways a man who was wholly selfish for 20 plus years is finding himself astonished by the thoughts that are starting to be about my wife, my kids, my coworkers, new KTC friends, even random people on the road I used to flip off because they were making me late for a dip and a beer. It's just little stuff. But I now know it's possible.
I don't have to guess at what's different. I absolutely know what's different this time. I completely and wholeheartedly gave up trying to beat addiction alone. I just quit. I gave up. It was just not for me to try to do alone anymore. I gave my addiction to you guys. I gave it to a couple of different groups of AA. I allowed you all to help me. It was absolutely terrifying and yet it was the best decision I've made in my entire life, and that includes my wife and kids. I literally quit pride and ego before I ever quit dip and alcohol. And for that, I'm exceedingly proud. I actually respect myself for the first time in my adult life. I have half-assed a number of stoppages in my life, from dip and/or alcohol, but I went all in this time. A good Christian would say they gave themselves to the Lord. Well, I'm not a very good Christian (yet, maybe), but I gave myself to KTC and AA. I gave my life to a bunch of strangers and asked you to help me save it. And that decision is more important than the decision to marry my wife. And I'd tell her the same thing. I love her with all my heart, but only a bunch of strangers just like me can save my life.
The people caving all around me has actually been really good for me. I haven't enjoyed it necessarily, but I sat around here for 84 days sympathizing with the cavers, even privately consoling them. I was doing that because I knew in my heart I wasn't done. I wasn't mad enough yet. Mostly, though, I simply wasn't ready to admit I needed help. All the people around me caving, they aren't there yet. They are too proud to ask for help. I truly believe that anybody who has dipped for ANY amount of time knows they should quit. I'd venture to guess that they even want to. But very few of them have the ability to drop every ounce of ego, kneel at the alter of KTC, AA, NA, SA, whatever, and just say, "I need all of you or I will kill myself."
If you're new and you think you can do it alone, I wish you luck. Come read this and many, many brilliant quitters that came before me when you fail. If you are new and think you can post roll and have absolutely NO relationship with people on this site that TRULY care about you and they don't even freaking know you? Good luck. You'll do the same thing I did 19 days ago and a few others recently did. You won't be close enough to call these people your friends. And if you are ANY kind of person, you will NOT let your friends down. You have to get involved. You have to make friends. You have to give your addiction to somebody else and say, "I need some help with this? Would you mind?" And when you do that, you don't get just one or two people to help you, you literally get hundreds. I've become so involved here that people are probably going to grow sick of me, but I TRULY DO NOT CARE. Y'all are saving my life. I am actually very thankful that I caved 19 days ago. It made me give up and give all my addictions to you guys and those wonderful rooms of AA.
Yeah, all the things I've just said might sound kinda big and robust for 19 days, but you're talking about a man that battled three kinds of addiction with a nice depression syrup on top. I haven't believed in myself in a LONG time. And I mean REALLY believed in myself. I believe in me because a lot of you guys have shown me HOW to believe in me. I actually like the man that looks back at me in the mirror, even naked with the extra ten pounds of chocolate. So this is just a great big thanks for that. I might not be the best Christian, but I thank God for this place of refuge and hope every single day. I've never seen a single one of your faces, but I just love you all.
Wow.
Outstanding stuff, bro. Just... outstanding.
There really does come that moment when you own what you're doing. For some it's right at the beginning. For others... well... it's later or never.
Push on through, man. Freedom gets waaaaay better and it's so damn cool.
Good on ya...
Anything I would say to try and add to what AJ just said wouldn't be worth your time to read it.
Absolutely LOVE the way you came back and owned this quit.... It's nice to sit back and watch you work your magic in September '17!
Real proud of you, PU! The Phoenix has risen from the ashes.
The story of a man finding himself! Very well said my friend, if you don't love yourself it's hard to truly love others. It's truly amazing how ktc has helped me change so many different things in my life because I was taught I can do anything one day at a time! Ktc is God sent, I honestly believe that. Damn proud to be quitting with you today
Dude lovin the quit.
Staying quit daily is a journey. Everyday I take a step away from who I was and a step closer to who I am becoming.
I really appreciate the kind words, guys. It's surprisingly MUCH easier to pile up all those +1's when you finally allow a bunch of addicts and drunks to help you up off the floor and carry you for a while. I really appreciate all you guys have done for me and our September group. You guys are great!!!!
-
Well, this was quite possibly my worst day of my 31 quit so far, and guess what I wanted to do when I got home? I wanted to get on this damn website. No dip thoughts, no beer thoughts. I wanted to sit down with a bag on MM's and talk to a bunch of addicts. That is a HUGE win for me.
So just a quick recap of my day. I had to go to the DMV to literally just change my freaking address because they wouldn't let me do that online with a commercial license. TWO HOURS after I walked in that place, the incompetence sitting in front of me said, "Sorry for the delays." I wanted to grab the chair I was sitting in and beat him while screaming at the entire General Assembly of NC to stop hiring the laziest fuckups in the state to work the DMV. And hire more than 2 to serve an endless revolving door of further incompetent citizens. And please don't be serious about taking away health care for state workers. Can you imagine the people working the DMV if they take away insurance. Oh my fuck.
Anyway, I made my daughter cry because I had a little rant after my DMV experience about how I'm sick and freaking tired of having to BEG her to do ANYTHING around the house. It caused everybody to act like they hated each other for the rest of the day. I love that child, but preteen girls are a struggle. It's HER fault I yelled and yet I'M the one who feels bad for having to get stern for the millionth time to hopefully get my point across. Her fault but I feel guilty. That's not fair to me.
I was looking for something in this desk armoire we have and accidentally knocked a 3-hole punch onto my bare toes. Hurt like a bitch. Hurt all damn day.
More tension tonight about playing Scattergories again tonight (which I was starting to love because I am loving family time all of a sudden,) because my bad day actually started last night when we got into a family argument because my wife refused to accept that one of her answers wasn't acceptable but she was free to tell my daughter that her answers weren't acceptable. Hypocrite. It was tense. Tonight my daughter wanted to try it again. I said I think we need a day off from Scattergories. A fucking board game brought tension to my family. Not dip or beer. A board game.
But here's the worst part. My dad and I spent all morning taking down my $600 Goaliath basketball goal from my old house and moving it to my new house. Concrete and brackets were in the ground, got the pole up and it was PERFECTLY level. I was damn proud of that because I was absolutely meticulous with the brackets. I won't try to explain how it happened, but the backboard for that thing is over a hundred pounds, so we had it in the bucket of the tractor and lifted it up to attach to the pole. One slight slip. One slight jolt of the tractor while I was on the second to top step of the tractor. I was trying to tell him to tilt the front of the bucket down because I needed the backboard to quit leaning backwards. He accidentally made the back of the bucket go down. I lost hold. A $300 backboard crashed onto the arms of the bucket. Ruined. Glass everywhere. Not fun.
On a good note, I got my 30 day chip in AA tonight and I looked forward to ending my day with something other than dip or beer. So I guess it was a good bad day.
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Well, this was quite possibly my worst day of my 31 quit so far, and guess what I wanted to do when I got home? I wanted to get on this damn website. No dip thoughts, no beer thoughts. I wanted to sit down with a bag on MM's and talk to a bunch of addicts. That is a HUGE win for me.
So just a quick recap of my day. I had to go to the DMV to literally just change my freaking address because they wouldn't let me do that online with a commercial license. TWO HOURS after I walked in that place, the incompetence sitting in front of me said, "Sorry for the delays." I wanted to grab the chair I was sitting in and beat him while screaming at the entire General Assembly of NC to stop hiring the laziest fuckups in the state to work the DMV. And hire more than 2 to serve an endless revolving door of further incompetent citizens. And please don't be serious about taking away health care for state workers. Can you imagine the people working the DMV if they take away insurance. Oh my fuck.
Anyway, I made my daughter cry because I had a little rant after my DMV experience about how I'm sick and freaking tired of having to BEG her to do ANYTHING around the house. It caused everybody to act like they hated each other for the rest of the day. I love that child, but preteen girls are a struggle. It's HER fault I yelled and yet I'M the one who feels bad for having to get stern for the millionth time to hopefully get my point across. Her fault but I feel guilty. That's not fair to me.
I was looking for something in this desk armoire we have and accidentally knocked a 3-hole punch onto my bare toes. Hurt like a bitch. Hurt all damn day.
More tension tonight about playing Scattergories again tonight (which I was starting to love because I am loving family time all of a sudden,) because my bad day actually started last night when we got into a family argument because my wife refused to accept that one of her answers wasn't acceptable but she was free to tell my daughter that her answers weren't acceptable. Hypocrite. It was tense. Tonight my daughter wanted to try it again. I said I think we need a day off from Scattergories. A fucking board game brought tension to my family. Not dip or beer. A board game.
But here's the worst part. My dad and I spent all morning taking down my $600 Goaliath basketball goal from my old house and moving it to my new house. Concrete and brackets were in the ground, got the pole up and it was PERFECTLY level. I was damn proud of that because I was absolutely meticulous with the brackets. I won't try to explain how it happened, but the backboard for that thing is over a hundred pounds, so we had it in the bucket of the tractor and lifted it up to attach to the pole. One slight slip. One slight jolt of the tractor while I was on the second to top step of the tractor. I was trying to tell him to tilt the front of the bucket down because I needed the backboard to quit leaning backwards. He accidentally made the back of the bucket go down. I lost hold. A $300 backboard crashed onto the arms of the bucket. Ruined. Glass everywhere. Not fun.
On a good note, I got my 30 day chip in AA tonight and I looked forward to ending my day with something other than dip or beer. So I guess it was a good bad day.
And reading through the list, there is not one item in your day of calamities that would have been made better by nicotine. Keep up the phenomenally good work, Phuctup!
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Well, this was quite possibly my worst day of my 31 quit so far, and guess what I wanted to do when I got home? I wanted to get on this damn website. No dip thoughts, no beer thoughts. I wanted to sit down with a bag on MM's and talk to a bunch of addicts. That is a HUGE win for me.
So just a quick recap of my day. I had to go to the DMV to literally just change my freaking address because they wouldn't let me do that online with a commercial license. TWO HOURS after I walked in that place, the incompetence sitting in front of me said, "Sorry for the delays." I wanted to grab the chair I was sitting in and beat him while screaming at the entire General Assembly of NC to stop hiring the laziest fuckups in the state to work the DMV. And hire more than 2 to serve an endless revolving door of further incompetent citizens. And please don't be serious about taking away health care for state workers. Can you imagine the people working the DMV if they take away insurance. Oh my fuck.
Anyway, I made my daughter cry because I had a little rant after my DMV experience about how I'm sick and freaking tired of having to BEG her to do ANYTHING around the house. It caused everybody to act like they hated each other for the rest of the day. I love that child, but preteen girls are a struggle. It's HER fault I yelled and yet I'M the one who feels bad for having to get stern for the millionth time to hopefully get my point across. Her fault but I feel guilty. That's not fair to me.
I was looking for something in this desk armoire we have and accidentally knocked a 3-hole punch onto my bare toes. Hurt like a bitch. Hurt all damn day.
More tension tonight about playing Scattergories again tonight (which I was starting to love because I am loving family time all of a sudden,) because my bad day actually started last night when we got into a family argument because my wife refused to accept that one of her answers wasn't acceptable but she was free to tell my daughter that her answers weren't acceptable. Hypocrite. It was tense. Tonight my daughter wanted to try it again. I said I think we need a day off from Scattergories. A fucking board game brought tension to my family. Not dip or beer. A board game.
But here's the worst part. My dad and I spent all morning taking down my $600 Goaliath basketball goal from my old house and moving it to my new house. Concrete and brackets were in the ground, got the pole up and it was PERFECTLY level. I was damn proud of that because I was absolutely meticulous with the brackets. I won't try to explain how it happened, but the backboard for that thing is over a hundred pounds, so we had it in the bucket of the tractor and lifted it up to attach to the pole. One slight slip. One slight jolt of the tractor while I was on the second to top step of the tractor. I was trying to tell him to tilt the front of the bucket down because I needed the backboard to quit leaning backwards. He accidentally made the back of the bucket go down. I lost hold. A $300 backboard crashed onto the arms of the bucket. Ruined. Glass everywhere. Not fun.
On a good note, I got my 30 day chip in AA tonight and I looked forward to ending my day with something other than dip or beer. So I guess it was a good bad day.
And reading through the list, there is not one item in your day of calamities that would have been made better by nicotine. Keep up the phenomenally good work, Phuctup!
Dude you are the real deal.
The beginning of this journey just sucks. Your hormones and emotions are all over the place. Rage. Sadness. Depression. Exhaustion. All over the place. It gets so much better. You are doing this the right way. It seems like it won't get better when you are living it. Well, it does. Keep it up, you Bad Ass winner.
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Well, I guess I get to be the only person on KTC to join the hall tomorrow. I don't think I'm really ready to sit down and do a HOF speech yet (I will eventually,) but I wanted to leave a few thoughts to myself and to all of you to leave a little snapshot of me at 100 days sober and nicotine free.
I'm going to go ahead and throw the big negatives out there so I can finish this thing up with the positives. First, I know I haven't beaten the occasional bouts of depression. Depending on what you prefer, the experts say there are either 5 or 7 stages of grief. If you don't think you grieve when you quit something that was closer to you than your wife or children, you're damn wrong. You will grieve. Let me restate that. If you do this quitting shit correctly, you will grieve, because even though we do things one day at a time here, when you finally QLF, you just suddenly know that you will NEVER see that crap again. The grief you go through is exactly the same as losing a loved one. For me it has been anyway. And that has led to some times over the past 100 days that I just wanted to turn reclusive and wallow in my own self-pity.
But I'll say this. I'm at the end of those now. I'm at the fifth or seventh stage. The acceptance stage. I even think addicts probably have an extra stage that I just haven't achieved yet. I believe this because I believe the vets of this site. There is a clear difference between accepting something and being truly happy about it. I haven't achieved the happiness yet, though this one day at a time mularkey sure makes me feel like I'm closer than I was 100 days ago.
It leads to the other negative for me, and that is the trivial but constant thought of "What now?" I love my job, but I'm not addicted to it. I love my family, but I'm not addicted to them. If I don't see them for a couple of days, I wouldn't have anxiety levels through the fucking roof because I just need my family fix. I guess I just don't know what to do now. I don't have a replacement and I have no real passion or motivation to seek it. I guess for the most part I'm just treading water and existing without a ton of purpose. I feel the same way in AA. I have a sponsor and I go to two or three meetings a week, but I have no real motivation or desire to get started on the steps yet. I don't know why. I guess it's just all of the above.^^^^
The good, though? Holy hell, there is good. My stress levels from not having to hide dip and beer all over the house are almost nil. My wife and I haven't had a real fight in 100 days. Seriously. Barely a squabble, and most of those we've laughed about within 5 minutes. I get glimpses of hope and an ever-so-quickly fleeting moment or two where I actually remember what it was like to have some dreams, for me AND my family. I went to the dentist and had NO cavities. I had a biopsy of a small patch of leukoplakia and three months later, the spot is GONE. My relationship with my parents is better. My relationship with my sister and brother-in-law is better. I've gained ten pounds and don't really give a flying fuck. Sugar will kill me eventually, too, but at least i have my teeth and jaws to eat it. I guess I can admit that I'm a little addicted to sugar, but oh well. So is fruit!!!!
All in all, I'll take it. Life ain't cotton candy and gumballs for anybody. We all have some shit to deal with. Even though addiction is a disease, I'm still responsible for causing some of my shit. All I know is that I'm a better man now than I was 100 days ago. And I truly and sincerely thank you brave and badass quitters for helping me out along the way. I owe this place my life, my marriage, my job, and my family. If you're just lurking around and thinking about quitting, that last sentence is a pretty powerful testament to why right NOW is the best time to quit. Thanks guys. And Happy HOF Day to ME!!
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congrats on your upcoming 100 days of freedom...i was a ninja dipper as well and the anxiety of getting that nic fix in secret was rediculous
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That's a great update Phuct! Things will only get better. It's still one day at a time, but that grief goes away. Congrats on 100 days, hope to see you around for 100 more!
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100!
'party' Great job, Phuctup!!! 'party'
'party2' 'party2' 'party2'
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100!
'party' Great job, Phuctup!!! 'party'
'party2' 'party2' 'party2'
Congrats on your 100 days quit!
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Lee, wanted to put this in a place other than just the September thread. I think it is very fitting that you are hitting 100 days nicotine (and alcohol) free on Labor Day. Lord knows you put in some serious Labor (along with some serious soul-searching, and more than a little bit of humor -- the "today in the Saloon" spots are classic!!) to get here. In the process, you've not only rid yourself of a terrible addiction, you've also gained back your family. I think it was about a month or two ago that I suggested you change your name to 4merlyPhuctup, because you, good Sir, are most definitely, no longer PhuctUp.
You keep doing what you've been doing my brother. Even though we all know life hands us good and bad, you are well on your way to enjoying the good in ways you are just beginning to see and dealing with the bad in ways you didn't know you could using tools you didn't know you had. I am proud to be quit with you today!!
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Lee, wanted to put this in a place other than just the September thread. I think it is very fitting that you are hitting 100 days nicotine (and alcohol) free on Labor Day. Lord knows you put in some serious Labor (along with some serious soul-searching, and more than a little bit of humor -- the "today in the Saloon" spots are classic!!) to get here. In the process, you've not only rid yourself of a terrible addiction, you've also gained back your family. I think it was about a month or two ago that I suggested you change your name to 4merlyPhuctup, because you, good Sir, are most definitely, no longer PhuctUp.
You keep doing what you've been doing my brother. Even though we all know life hands us good and bad, you are well on your way to enjoying the good in ways you are just beginning to see and dealing with the bad in ways you didn't know you could using tools you didn't know you had. I am proud to be quit with you today!!
Really kind words there, Cav. I'm not sure the powers that be would allow the name change, but there's a part of me that is starting to feel a little less fucked up. That said, I think the name will always be pretty fitting. My brain can be one effed up place. Thanks again, dude.
And thanks to everybody for the texts today. Made me feel good. I said a few days ago that I'd feel accomplished at a year, but 100 is a pretty damn good accomplishment. I really appreciate all of you for helping me get here.
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Lee, wanted to put this in a place other than just the September thread. I think it is very fitting that you are hitting 100 days nicotine (and alcohol) free on Labor Day. Lord knows you put in some serious Labor (along with some serious soul-searching, and more than a little bit of humor -- the "today in the Saloon" spots are classic!!) to get here. In the process, you've not only rid yourself of a terrible addiction, you've also gained back your family. I think it was about a month or two ago that I suggested you change your name to 4merlyPhuctup, because you, good Sir, are most definitely, no longer PhuctUp.
You keep doing what you've been doing my brother. Even though we all know life hands us good and bad, you are well on your way to enjoying the good in ways you are just beginning to see and dealing with the bad in ways you didn't know you could using tools you didn't know you had. I am proud to be quit with you today!!
Really kind words there, Cav. I'm not sure the powers that be would allow the name change, but there's a part of me that is starting to feel a little less fucked up. That said, I think the name will always be pretty fitting. My brain can be one effed up place. Thanks again, dude.
And thanks to everybody for the texts today. Made me feel good. I said a few days ago that I'd feel accomplished at a year, but 100 is a pretty damn good accomplishment. I really appreciate all of you for helping me get here.
Congratulations. 100 is a huge accomplishment!
Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Post roll first thing every day. Keep your word. At the point that you are at, the only people that fail are the ones that stop posting roll. And they fail in droves after HOF.
Your group will probably shrink as these future cavers fall off. There is usually some drama in the groups as this happens. There is also a bright wonderfulness ahead, ODAAT, that cannot be explained. As proud as you feel right now... you've scratched the surface.
I say these things not to depress you, as all of this noise is trivial in the grand scene of where you are headed. Savor this win. There's a lot more of it in your future. ODAAT.
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Congrats man, in the short time I have been here, you are the first real "success story" I can say I've seen. When you caved and I read about how you had to look your daughter in the eye, I was with you and misty eyed. But you got back on the horse, and kept riding. You pushed on and came back better than you were before.
Will there be some more depression / sad times? Sure. We all have them. But the better times are getting closer. Soon, you will find happiness in little dumb things, like mowing the lawn without a dip or not having to spit in a pool when swimming. Those little moments of reflection give me a lot of joy and I hope when you have those realizations they do for you as well.
P.S. Story time was fun
IQWYT
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Congrats man, in the short time I have been here, you are the first real "success story" I can say I've seen. When you caved and I read about how you had to look your daughter in the eye, I was with you and misty eyed. But you got back on the horse, and kept riding. You pushed on and came back better than you were before.
Will there be some more depression / sad times? Sure. We all have them. But the better times are getting closer. Soon, you will find happiness in little dumb things, like mowing the lawn without a dip or not having to spit in a pool when swimming. Those little moments of reflection give me a lot of joy and I hope when you have those realizations they do for you as well.
P.S. Story time was fun
IQWYT
Not sure how I'm just seeing this, but I just couldn't let it sit there without me saying how much I appreciate the words. Easy to say a whole lot has changed in my life in the past 102 days. All for the better, of course. Thanks for the kind words.