KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: csucomms1 on January 18, 2011, 01:02:00 PM
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Today is the day that I say goodbye to Nicotine. I had smoked since around age 13 up until my early 20Â’s, then switched off to snuff to feed my addiction away from those around me who have expressed concern. I want to be honest, I am scared shitless of dying, now that I have hit my 30Â’s and am ready to start a family with my wife, I have to do this (I am 31). I keep asking myself why if youÂ’re scared of death are you in such a rush to make it to that point? I find myself more and more often lately being worried (not just passing thoughts) about the fact that I could develop or have developed cancer. Sometimes I swear I have myself convinced if my jaw just hurts a little. The point is that I have come to realization that nicotine has been my crutch for many years. I work a stressful job, been through some rough times, and nicotine was always there for me. No more, everyone around me admires my dedication to get things done when I say I will. Failure is just not an option. What they donÂ’t know is that I have fooled all of them for many years. Quitting nicotine has been my longest and most trying battle. I lurked on this site for a few hours while I was working up the courage to jump in. ItÂ’s not like the idea of quitting is new to me, itÂ’s something I think about all the time. I have quit cigarettes in the past, only to replace them with snuff. I tried Wellbutrin, patches, and lozenges. My experience of all of those methods is that all I was doing was trading one poison for another. No more, cold turkey is the way I am quitting. Reading over other posts, and reading up on how to use this forum, I decided that today is the day. I know that it isnÂ’t going to be easy, hell I know I am going to be a dick to all those around me in the next 24-72 hours, but I will get through it. I may need a kick in the ass every once in a while, but I pledge to collaborate and contribute to this group everyday. Today is day 1, today is the last day I ever used nicotine in any form! I look forward to getting to know my quit brothers and sisters better.
-Matt
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Welcome and congrats. Keep reading, post roll and get involved. Don't be a dick to your family, they didn't shove dip in your mouth.....you did. Besides that's what we are for....vent, bitch, piss and moan all over the place if you have to.
Most importantly, shout if you need anything.
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Matt,
I was exactly where you are at now, eighteen days ago. I can tell you its going to suck but it gets better. I was a 30 year chewer and if I can make it this far, so can you.
Just remember, you don't quit forever. You quit today and you keep on quitting for just today. That is the way you have to look at it and proceed with your quit.
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Welcome to the boards. It's going to be tough, but you'll make it with us. We need your help, and you need ours. We're going to get along well.
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Welcome, you and I seem a lot alike. I'm thirty, recently married (no kids yet though), started chewing to replace smoking in my mid teens. I hid it from a lot of people for a lot of years.
Is quiting gunna suck...yep. Is it gunna get better...yep. Is it worth it...yep.
You got this. There's no decision to make. You quit, no turning back on that. Just get through the day. You'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
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Im new myself today is day 3. Best advice i can give you is go out and buy the biggest pack of gum you cus find, keep yourself busy. and everytime you crave just think of all the things you can't do with a dip in. or without a jaw. Stay strong brother
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Thank you all for the kind advice. I have to admit it is quite comforting to know that we already have found some areas where we are alike. I had a pretty good afternoon today, getting through my day at work wasn't that bad. Now that I am home hoever, it is taking a bit more will power. Don't worry, it'll take a lot more than this to get me to give in. So far I have noticed that I am not fixated on having any dip in my mouth, rather my brain is playing with me tonight not letting me focus on anything. This is how I know its time to workout. I am just waiting here for my wife to get home from work so we can go workout. Best of luck to all of you. I will see you on the boards.
Taking it one day at a time, today I quit!
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Good to have you here, Matt....can never have too many Matts around!
Looking forward to seeing you post your day 1 tomorrow in the April pre-HOF roll with us! We will all do this, together.
(no "luck" needed)
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So I have made it to my 53rd day of my quit. I wanted to update this introduction thread to make notes on what I have experienced so far to serve as a reminder as to why I choose to quit each and every morning.
Days 1-7 are a blur. I felt like absolute shit, was extremely irritable with anyone who was “close” to me. I keenly remember that I had A LOT of trouble driving to and from work. I never knew besides when you’re dead tired, that withdrawal from Nicotine could make you feel like you were driving drunk! (Only ever drive drunk once, when I was 18, thank god it was back country roads and only 3 miles, swore back then to never get behind the wheel if I had been drinking 13 years so far I have kept that promise) It actually got so dangerous that I started dreading the drive. That is until I started to bring sunflower seeds and a nice cup of coffee along with me. Slowly but surely by day 7 I was feeling much better and much more confident about my quit. Somewhere inside these first 7 days I reached out and made contact with Cane91. It was very nice to talk to someone who was on the same quit day, and was going through a lot of the same symptoms that I was. We remain in contact to this day. Cane if you’re reading this, thanks brother for the support thus far, it’s never easy, but it eases my mind to know that I am not alone.
Days 8-42 were really not that bad for me. Once I made the decision to quit, and got through that first week I was moving along just fine. I woke up each morning, posted roll, and went about my business. In all honesty if dip crossed my mind on most days it only occurred any time I was on here either posting roll, or reading introduction threads. I used to find that strange that once you get over obsessing about the next time you can level off you nicotine level, how infrequently the thought passes through your mind. Then just as quick as you can write that off, out of no where you either are on KTC reading about another brother or sister who is a closet dipper, and is either quit with me, or is thinking about quit (making excuses for not quitting), and all of the sudden you start thinking about that Grizzly or if you are feeling like you need a little more, that Cope Long cut. Strange, but MANAGEABLE, just as long as you remain committed to your quit brothers and sisters, and most importantly to yourself. This is my quit, no one elseÂ’s and I am in control of my own urges, nobody else. This is when I really came to embrace the magic of this website and fully bought off on the fact that I am a quitter!
One note for myself during this time: Remember Matt that there were plenty of moments when you got up from your desk to use the restroom, you looked at yourself in the mirror and said, “Damn I am bored, and I sure am tired” and as you walked out of the bathroom you thought to yourself, “No big deal, I will just pop in a pinch wake up a bit and ride the rest of this day out”. And you were OK with that thought; that is until you got back to your desk, sat down and clearly thought about this. How many days did you say, “What the hell were you thinking, that it would be alright or acceptable to put in a pinch now, you quit remember, not just that but you gave your word”. I swear this still happens to me on occasion, like there is this inner struggle, a more subtle voice in my head that tries to convince me that it is ok. Hard to write out I suppose, but there are moments where simple thoughts pass through my mind and they just don’t get filtered right away.
Day 43 was the first time I had a dip dream. Like many of you before me, I woke up feeling quite guilty and wondering if any of it was real. I didnÂ’t leap out of bed and go looking in my usual hiding places for the can I dreamt about, rather I remember laying there, looking at my wife who was still asleep, looking down at my dog sleeping at the foot of the bed, and thinking to myself how could I let myself down, how could I let them down. Boy, I was sure glad to be able to recognize that it was just a dream, but damn did it feel real. This was another time I was glad for all the support that you the KTC community can give.
Days 44 through 52 went by pretty quick. I work a job that takes me overseas quite often depending on what is going on in World News, and I knew that I was to start getting ready to head out again for work. I wasn’t really anxious about going this time, as I didn’t have to ensure I had enough rolls with me to make it. I am still not sure why dip isn’t sold outside of the US, and now I really don’t care, but it does make me wonder. Maybe it is just that friggin’ poisonous that the rest of the developed world wants nothing to do with it. Maybe it is just a nasty habit not accepted anywhere but here. Who knows, but I did notice in the month before my quit that dip cans started saying “Not for sale outside the USA”.
Day 53. Now I am officially overseas, rested up after a long day of travel and have some time to myself before getting to my final destination. I am still doing just fine, only area that triggered me was when I was in the duty free store when I got here. The Nicotine Bitch was screaming my name! I heard her very clearly, “Matt, come on buddy, you have been so good lately, working out, eating better, and yet you still deny the fact that you want me” is what she says to me. At home I am learning how to tune her voice out, how to go online and get support if I need it. Over here though, these are the times that will challenge my quit. Let me explain.
When I leave my wife and head out overseas, that is usually the time where I can give my gums a break, and take up smoking cigarettes, or worse do both depending on the stress level. See nobody is around who will judge me, or tell me to not smoke, or dip. There is no one monitoring how long I am in the bathroom for, hell there is no need to hide in the bathroom to dip. Thinking back now I can really see how the addict in me did all the talking and decision making for me. Damn I hate when these moments occur! Anyway the point here is that while I can proudly say I have 52 days under my belt, my biggest challenges, my largest triggers are about to become reality. I am headed out to my final destination tomorrow morning with no idea when I will go home next. And although I will not be on the ground in Iraq or Afghanistan, I will still be working closely with both campaigns. The stress levels that come with the job are usually what drives me to use nicotine. Not this time; I have thought a lot about and have taken quite a few notes on how to fight against those triggers. I am planning on taking more breaks from what I am doing, working out everyday to get rid of my excess stress, or energy, and eating properly. I know that it will not be easy, but nothing about quitting the Nic Bitch really is. Sometimes it is easy to write off the addiction, moments where you feel like you have got this. I will not let my guard down, I will not let anything or anyone intrude on my quit, and I will wake up each morning post roll and give all of you my word that I will not use nicotine in any form today.
Thanks for reading, and when I come back to this thread as I get closer to my HOF date (18 APRIL) I want this to serve as a reminder on the struggle that has endured.
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Matt, this was a great post that I very much appreciate. Just knowing that other people go thru and fight the exact same demons as I do is helpful. I specifically share how your mind tries to tell you how good you have been and how you "deserve" to have a dip. I will find my mind wandering to future trips that I will be taking and somehow the nic bitch finds her way to voice her opinion everytime. How the hell am I going to go fishing in AK without chew? Oh, she things I've deserved one and I'll be able to handle just chewing thru that trip. Fuck that, I envy those who can use only once in a while but I'm not one of those people. We are addicts on this site and understanding that fact was the biggest game changer for me. You've got this, let us know how it goes when you get back.
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Matt, this was a great post that I very much appreciate. Just knowing that other people go thru and fight the exact same demons as I do is helpful. I specifically share how your mind tries to tell you how good you have been and how you "deserve" to have a dip. I will find my mind wandering to future trips that I will be taking and somehow the nic bitch finds her way to voice her opinion everytime. How the hell am I going to go fishing in AK without chew? Oh, she things I've deserved one and I'll be able to handle just chewing thru that trip. Fuck that, I envy those who can use only once in a while but I'm not one of those people. We are addicts on this site and understanding that fact was the biggest game changer for me. You've got this, let us know how it goes when you get back.
Grimace,
Very much appreciate your reply. I have struggled long and hard to admit to myself, let alone a bunch of strangers that I am an addict. Let me tell you why. See I have a little sister who was a very bad heroine addict, hell she still could be. See she put my family through absolute hell, people all around her who loved her and literally who double mortgaged their house(s) to get her the treatment she needed to kick the habit. I personally went into 20K of debt to help pay for her treatment(s). Well she has relapsed 3 times over the course of 15 years that I know of. I do not speak with her, and only tolerate her for the simple fact that she decided to reproduce with an even bigger junkie than herself and my neice was a result of that. My poor neice that was born with an addiction to crack and heroine. See for me to say that I am an addict means that I am NO better than she is. Nevermind the fact that at 31 I have done more in my life than most everyone who is close to me. So for me the turning point hit me at my desk one day when I had to come to grips with the fact that I am a junkie too. I am just hooked on a drug that is legal, yet just as deadly to me. So, once I came to terms, I embraced what I am and manned up and posted my day 1. It's never easy, but its folks like yourself that help keep me going. We're not any less to society or our loved ones, we are actually worth more because we are fortunate enough to admit and take an active roll in controlling our addiction. Good luck on your fishing trip! I know thatis a trigger for me too, but you got this. ust tell that bitch to shut the hell up and you'll be the one in control for this trip, keep that shit out of your mouth. Proud to quit with you!
-Matt
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Matt, this was a great post that I very much appreciate. Just knowing that other people go thru and fight the exact same demons as I do is helpful. I specifically share how your mind tries to tell you how good you have been and how you "deserve" to have a dip. I will find my mind wandering to future trips that I will be taking and somehow the nic bitch finds her way to voice her opinion everytime. How the hell am I going to go fishing in AK without chew? Oh, she things I've deserved one and I'll be able to handle just chewing thru that trip. Fuck that, I envy those who can use only once in a while but I'm not one of those people. We are addicts on this site and understanding that fact was the biggest game changer for me. You've got this, let us know how it goes when you get back.
Grimace,
Very much appreciate your reply. I have struggled long and hard to admit to myself, let alone a bunch of strangers that I am an addict. Let me tell you why. See I have a little sister who was a very bad heroine addict, hell she still could be. See she put my family through absolute hell, people all around her who loved her and literally who double mortgaged their house(s) to get her the treatment she needed to kick the habit. I personally went into 20K of debt to help pay for her treatment(s). Well she has relapsed 3 times over the course of 15 years that I know of. I do not speak with her, and only tolerate her for the simple fact that she decided to reproduce with an even bigger junkie than herself and my neice was a result of that. My poor neice that was born with an addiction to crack and heroine. See for me to say that I am an addict means that I am NO better than she is. Nevermind the fact that at 31 I have done more in my life than most everyone who is close to me. So for me the turning point hit me at my desk one day when I had to come to grips with the fact that I am a junkie too. I am just hooked on a drug that is legal, yet just as deadly to me. So, once I came to terms, I embraced what I am and manned up and posted my day 1. It's never easy, but its folks like yourself that help keep me going. We're not any less to society or our loved ones, we are actually worth more because we are fortunate enough to admit and take an active roll in controlling our addiction. Good luck on your fishing trip! I know thatis a trigger for me too, but you got this. ust tell that bitch to shut the hell up and you'll be the one in control for this trip, keep that shit out of your mouth. Proud to quit with you!
-Matt
Thanks for sharing csu. Powerful testimony.
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Wow, Day 58 now for me, and I have been on assignment now for 3 full days. I wanted to update this thread to document that for some odd reason starting yesterday shortly after my workout and continuing into today I feel like I am right back into the Fog! It is so strange because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no nicotine in my system, hasn't been since day 3 (72 hours to flush), but I tell you I really feel like I am going through withdrawals again. My head is cloudy, I feel quite anxious, and I am getting headaches off and on. The other thing I am wondering is if any of my quit brothers or sisters ever felt what I would describe as residual dipping symptoms? For instance, since I entered this latest fog, I have this painful feeling in the front of my jaw, almost exactly the same as I had when dipping, but I hadn't felt since day 13 or so. Strange, I have read plenty of posts where people say that there is a new fog you go through at this point. I am just trying to figure out if this is normal, or is this happening because I am right back in the exact spot that causes me to abuse nicotine? I admit I do find it difficult to sit next to people who dip all day, and I find it hard to see peple smoking all the time, but I remain strong in my quit, there is nothing and nobody that will stand in my way fighting for my freedom, but damn, today has just been hard. Hopefully I will snap out of this, I tend to find that when I concentrate on the symptoms that they hang around longer. Going to make sure I get a hard workout in tonight.
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Wow, Day 58 now for me, and I have been on assignment now for 3 full days. I wanted to update this thread to document that for some odd reason starting yesterday shortly after my workout and continuing into today I feel like I am right back into the Fog! It is so strange because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no nicotine in my system, hasn't been since day 3 (72 hours to flush), but I tell you I really feel like I am going through withdrawals again. My head is cloudy, I feel quite anxious, and I am getting headaches off and on. The other thing I am wondering is if any of my quit brothers or sisters ever felt what I would describe as residual dipping symptoms? For instance, since I entered this latest fog, I have this painful feeling in the front of my jaw, almost exactly the same as I had when dipping, but I hadn't felt since day 13 or so. Strange, I have read plenty of posts where people say that there is a new fog you go through at this point. I am just trying to figure out if this is normal, or is this happening because I am right back in the exact spot that causes me to abuse nicotine? I admit I do find it difficult to sit next to people who dip all day, and I find it hard to see peple smoking all the time, but I remain strong in my quit, there is nothing and nobody that will stand in my way fighting for my freedom, but damn, today has just been hard. Hopefully I will snap out of this, I tend to find that when I concentrate on the symptoms that they hang around longer. Going to make sure I get a hard workout in tonight.
Welcome to the seventies funk , it'll pass
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it comes in waves. i've fought the same thing, seems to strike every 20 days or so thus far.
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Thanks Skoal Monster and STS for your reassurance that these situations will happen.
Today is day 60! Not really sure when I was clean for this long really was, might even have been before I started this addiction. Been a bumpy ride at times, and I sure am glad that today I woke up and it feels like the fog has lifted once again. It always helps that each time that bitch comes knocking, I remember my word to all of you and I remember my own resolve to myself. When she bangs on the door, I go exercise and keep myself ready to keep kicking her ass day after day. Without my plan and my quit brothers and sisters this would not be possible. Nothing intrudes on my quit, especially imaginary voices in my head! 'Finger' Nic Bitch!
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Just wanted to post this up on here. This is a song I listen to that I always feel summarizes how this inner struggle that I so often refer to feels. I easily can realte since rationalizing that I am no different than a "drug addict" by substituting nicotine for needle. Anyway not sure if any of you agree or disagree, but if you want to hear the song in context, you can find it on youtube.
"Needles"
By Seether
I never seem to find a reason
To let you in again, or forgive you
I'm sick of feeling like I need you
Knowing I never did, but I miss you
Taking and breaking and hating
I remember all you said to me now
Taking and breaking and hating
My memories are all stained again
Let me get inside your head
Let me show you I'm prepared
Let me stick my needles in
And let me hurt you again
I never reach my indecision
To let you see again all I give you
I'm sick of feeding your attention,
Knowing I never did. I distress you
Taking and breaking and hating
I remember all you said to me now
Faking, forsaking and failing
My memories are all stained again
Let me get inside your head
Let me show you I'm prepared
Let me stick my needles in
And let me hurt you again
Fuck you for killing me
Me.
Fuck you for killing me
Me.
Yeah. Let me get inside your head
Let me show you I'm prepared
Let me stick my needles in
And let me hurt you again
Again.
Fuck you for killing me!
-Matt