KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: freeDanny on February 28, 2018, 12:47:00 PM
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Hello KTC family
I'm on Day 2 and I promise I'll not be using any form of nicotine today
In some ways, things are going exactly as I expected, and in some ways, I am surprised by how I am feeling
Like many addicts, I was under the impression that I could quit dipping at any time. I was a former smoker after all, so by giving up smoking and having "just a pouch" here and there, I had fooled myself into thinking I was quit
Well as you can imagine, "here and there" turns into every day. After coffee. With coffee. After dropping the kids at school. Risking being late because I have to run back in and grab my tin. God forbid I couldn't satisfy master Nicotine when called upon. All of this, I am not sure how I managed to ignore any reasonable voice in my head saying "What. The. F***" . Surely, by hiding it like a ninja I still knew how ridiculous this habit had become. My wife accidentally took a swig of a travel coffee mug I had used as a spitter, and I honestly found myself angry at *her*, saying "well why the hell didn't you check it first ?"
Well I forgot my tin at work 2 days back. (BTW -- I have never even thought of dipping at work as a "normal" thing until the past few months) Normally, I would have just picked up another can of poison on the way back home. This time, thank goodness, I thought, maybe I'll just take the night off. Well, Master Nicotine didn't like that. My throat started feeling tight, I was getting the urge more than I thought I should. At that point it started to dawn on me that there was alot more going on here than I thought
Thankfully, I started googling, found KTC, read a lot on the forums. So many things resonated with what has been going on with me. So, I decided that it is now or never. I have 2 kids, age 7 and 4. My habit was getting in the way of being the father that I want to be, and it will only get worse if I don't do something about it.
Now that I am 2 days in, it is so abundantly clear how much of a stranglehold nicotine has on me. I am foggy, apathetic. I can't believe how much I was relying on something else to take the wheel. How long have I been asleep at the wheel. It scares me to think about who or what has been driving this vessel.
Like surveying the aftermath of a hurricane, I am looking around at the foggy mess that is my life today and trying to pull it together. I am not sure how I got here, but I know that I will not be using any nicotine products today, because I do not want to ever go through a Day 1 or Day 2 again. I want to feel every moment of this discomfort and store it as a reminder of what happens when you leave the wheel unattended. I am not going to compromise my ability to be the person I want to be.
My throat continues to get tight, like I have to cough but there is nothing there. I know this feeling well -- last week, it was the signal that it was time for a chew. Today, it is a reminder of what happens when you allow a toxic demon into your life. I am not going to give in today. I am curious what Day 3 will bring, and I can only know that once I am there.
Thank you to the KTC community for getting me this far and for being there in the chat rooms when it gets tough.
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Go to the Welcome center and learn how to post roll call please.
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Well as you can imagine, "here and there" turns into every day.
You got that right. That's why we say Never Again For Any Reason (NAFAR)
I cannot overstate how important it is to post roll early. Wake Up Piss Post (WUPP)
LOVE to see young fathers joining up, you made my day today!
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Well as you can imagine, "here and there" turns into every day.
You got that right. That's why we say Never Again For Any Reason (NAFAR)
I cannot overstate how important it is to post roll early. Wake Up Piss Post (WUPP)
LOVE to see young fathers joining up, you made my day today!
I second that with my Brother Athan, I am a father to two young boys as well, congratulations!!!
Check your Inbox my digits are there, hit me up if you need anything.
PTQWYT
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Well as you can imagine, "here and there" turns into every day.
You got that right. That's why we say Never Again For Any Reason (NAFAR)
I cannot overstate how important it is to post roll early. Wake Up Piss Post (WUPP)
LOVE to see young fathers joining up, you made my day today!
I second that with my Brother Athan, I am a father to two young boys as well, congratulations!!!
Check your Inbox my digits are there, hit me up if you need anything.
PTQWYT
Well I third that with my brother Skol!
My digits were there first!!
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Welcome Danny
Just a small word that helped me.
It's noble to quit for family.. (kids)
But one day your kids may offer you tobacco.
Happend to me.
Quit for you.......
If the whole family agreed it was OK for me to chew... I would still post roll tomorrow.
I quit with you today.
Rawls 1200
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Hello KTC family
I'm on Day 2 and I promise I'll not be using any form of nicotine today
In some ways, things are going exactly as I expected, and in some ways, I am surprised by how I am feeling
Like many addicts, I was under the impression that I could quit dipping at any time. I was a former smoker after all, so by giving up smoking and having "just a pouch" here and there, I had fooled myself into thinking I was quit
Well as you can imagine, "here and there" turns into every day. After coffee. With coffee. After dropping the kids at school. Risking being late because I have to run back in and grab my tin. God forbid I couldn't satisfy master Nicotine when called upon. All of this, I am not sure how I managed to ignore any reasonable voice in my head saying "What. The. F***" . Surely, by hiding it like a ninja I still knew how ridiculous this habit had become. My wife accidentally took a swig of a travel coffee mug I had used as a spitter, and I honestly found myself angry at *her*, saying "well why the hell didn't you check it first ?"
Well I forgot my tin at work 2 days back. (BTW -- I have never even thought of dipping at work as a "normal" thing until the past few months) Normally, I would have just picked up another can of poison on the way back home. This time, thank goodness, I thought, maybe I'll just take the night off. Well, Master Nicotine didn't like that. My throat started feeling tight, I was getting the urge more than I thought I should. At that point it started to dawn on me that there was alot more going on here than I thought
Thankfully, I started googling, found KTC, read a lot on the forums. So many things resonated with what has been going on with me. So, I decided that it is now or never. I have 2 kids, age 7 and 4. My habit was getting in the way of being the father that I want to be, and it will only get worse if I don't do something about it.
Now that I am 2 days in, it is so abundantly clear how much of a stranglehold nicotine has on me. I am foggy, apathetic. I can't believe how much I was relying on something else to take the wheel. How long have I been asleep at the wheel. It scares me to think about who or what has been driving this vessel.
Like surveying the aftermath of a hurricane, I am looking around at the foggy mess that is my life today and trying to pull it together. I am not sure how I got here, but I know that I will not be using any nicotine products today, because I do not want to ever go through a Day 1 or Day 2 again. I want to feel every moment of this discomfort and store it as a reminder of what happens when you leave the wheel unattended. I am not going to compromise my ability to be the person I want to be.
My throat continues to get tight, like I have to cough but there is nothing there. I know this feeling well -- last week, it was the signal that it was time for a chew. Today, it is a reminder of what happens when you allow a toxic demon into your life. I am not going to give in today. I am curious what Day 3 will bring, and I can only know that once I am there.
Thank you to the KTC community for getting me this far and for being there in the chat rooms when it gets tough.
Mea culpa
What happened?
- On Thursday night, I chewed on a cigar. I intentionally introduced nicotine into my system, and lied to myself that it was not the same as dipping or smoking. On Friday night, I chewed the shit out of 2 cigars. On Saturday morning, I realized that I am lying if I think this doesn't count as a cave.
How did this happen?
- First, I can say for sure right now that had I reached out to a brother, I probably could have avoided the whole thing. Athan just graciously spent a good 30 minutes on the phone with me. Had I spoken with him or someone like him at the first sign of trouble, I can surely say that the motivation I feel right now would have pulled me through. But I didn't reach out to anyone, or jump on ktc chat, or post, and that was my first mistake
- Second mistake obviously is having cigars in the house. I will dispose of them and follow up when that deed is done.
- Third, I thought I could break a pattern on my own but I was wrong. I was working late, drinking a redbull, and this combination is a trigger for me. I have a history of using nicotine in this pattern, I should have realized that I needed backup and either avoided that pattern or reached out during it to stay vigilant. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong
How to avoid it from happening again?
- It sucks going from double-digits back to day 2. It sucks writing mea culpas. I don't want to do it again. Using KTC feels like the furthest along I have ever gotten in any of my quits, I was feeling great and started doing other healthy things like exercise, good diet, and healthier sleep patterns. I want to get back to that place. I can only do that by being honest, being accountable, being involved
- I realize my mistake in not planning ahead and reaching out. I will not make that mistake again
It would have been Day 14 for me today. I could (theoretically) pretend like this never happened and say I'm still on day 14. That would not be fair to those who earned the honor of really getting there. So I am punting myself back to day 2. When I hit 14 this next time, I want to feel like I earned it 100%.
I'll be posting roll by 8:30am ET tomorrow, and every day.
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just hope you have looked in the mirror and truly realize what you did......you went back on your word.... I hope that stings more than anything, anyone could say to you here. And let that be the last time you break your word and go against your honor.
the mirror tells all. just look at it and are you ok with it then...