KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: jimmy127 on April 16, 2011, 12:29:00 AM
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Aww, man, where to begin? My name is Jimmy, and I have dipped for more than half of my life. I started dipping when I was 17. My last dip was Monday, April 11. So, now its Friday night, what's it been like?
The friggin mind games are killing me. I'm telling myself the stupidest crap, stuff that IN MY HEAD makes a whole lot of freaking sense.
My last dip was Monday, 9 am. By Tuesday at 4 pm I'm driving to the gas station. I'm telling myself, "I'm not ready (to quit), it'll be easier if I set this up better." Yeah, I'll be more determined! More... more what? I don't friggin know, but it'll be easier next time I quit!!! I'm not ready to quit right now!!!
Monday was my birthday, my quit day. If I screw it up I'll have to wait another year to quit on my birthday. My moto day. Somehow I fought off the mindgame with a mindgame.
I went into the gas station and found some seeds, Giant seeds, Frank's hot sauce flavored. I also got myself a frigging tub of ice cream. I walked up to the counter, fully prepared to be totally disappointed in myself when i said, "Cope long-cut."
I swear, things got real slow motion and it was like everything was underwater. I remember trying to run my card through the machine and trying to ignore the lady when she asked if I needed anything else- why the crap would she ask me that?
I remember this spiritual tug of war, this feeling of desperation in my soul that feared I was going to buy the can of cope, and when the mid point of my transaction passed without cope in my pocket, suddenly the fear was I'd leave without it.
But I did leave without it. I don't know how, but I won that battle- the first palpable battle of my, so far, 5 day war. That situation was so drawn out, so long in duration... what I'm trying to say is that my dirty little nic slut is only able to squeeze my balls for so long before she fades away. That Tuesday Battle Royale was one of a kind. The typical bout is kind of like getting horny, as frikkin weird as that sounds. Like that avatar of the bouncing boobs I've seen on this site, MikeA- I saw that and I was like "Holy!" and I leaned in to watch it, it had my attention for a minute, but then it faded as I went on to do something else. My battle went on as long as it did because I LET IT. She had me by the balls in my house, during my decision to go to the store, during my walk through the parking lot, getting the seeds and the ice cream, and that weird slow motion checkout experience, she didn't let go until I left the parking lot to go home. Up until leaving the parking lot, I fully expected to let myself fail. Maybe I needed this to happen, I don't know.
After the "win" I told my wife I was a quitter. She has no way of knowing what I'm going through, but it was my accountability announcement- though I have been telling her I'm trying to quit for a couple of years now, mainly just to get her off my back when she would tell me I had "something" in my teeth.
So here I am, on Friday, and 8 lbs heavier. Speaking of which, I don't mind the weight, I'll work it off when I start riding again. Anyway, know what I'm telling myself now?
"See how easy it was to quit? You can go back to dipping now knowing you can quit anytime you want! And it will be even easier next time because you'll be ready to quit, better prepared!"
WTH? I say this crap out loud and it sounds frikking stupid, but in my head in the middle of the night its like I had a vision from God.
I've still got this "I cannot have fun without dip," feeling that comes with those "trigger" moments. We all know what they are, and even just reading other peoples' descriptions of them brings her icy claws to squeeze my balls. The problem is I have so many freaking trigger moments because I always had a dip in.
I think the worst mind game, at day 5, is this feeling in me that my life with dip is not over. That someway, somehow, I know I will justify giving in. The feeling its all hopeless, or that I'm cursed somehow. That I'm destined to fail because where I am now isn't real, dip in my mouth is real. The thousands and thousands of times I've gone to the bathroom to put in the dip and that subsequent feeling of, "whatever happens in the next 4 hours I'm set." I don't get to have that "I'm set" feeling anymore. Or do I?
Could it be that when I got rid of that last dip, was that my moment? Whatever happens for the rest of my life... I'm set.
Gonna sign the roll call tomorrow. This crap ain't easy, for sure, and it ain't over at 5 days by a long shot.
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Jimmy - you tell truth - powerful stuff - you bring to life in words, stuff most of us can't describe - keep writing - you have a tremendous gift
I'll walk with you and so will your July Brothers - I'm finishing up Day 5 too - we can do this together- see you at roll call tomorrow - if you wanna talk more PM me anytime and we'll exchange numbers - Corn
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Aww, man, where to begin? My name is Jimmy, and I have dipped for more than half of my life. I started dipping when I was 17. My last dip was Monday, April 11. So, now its Friday night, what's it been like?
The friggin mind games are killing me. I'm telling myself the stupidest crap, stuff that IN MY HEAD makes a whole lot of freaking sense.Â
My last dip was Monday, 9 am. By Tuesday at 4 pm I'm driving to the gas station. I'm telling myself, "I'm not ready (to quit), it'll be easier if I set this up better." Yeah, I'll be more determined! More... more what? I don't friggin know, but it'll be easier next time I quit!!! I'm not ready to quit right now!!!Â
Monday was my birthday, my quit day. If I screw it up I'll have to wait another year to quit on my birthday. My moto day. Somehow I fought off the mindgame with a mindgame.
I went into the gas station and found some seeds, Giant seeds, Frank's hot sauce flavored. I also got myself a frigging tub of ice cream. I walked up to the counter, fully prepared to be totally disappointed in myself when i said, "Cope long-cut."Â
I swear, things got real slow motion and it was like everything was underwater. I remember trying to run my card through the machine and trying to ignore the lady when she asked if I needed anything else- why the crap would she ask me that?Â
I remember this spiritual tug of war, this feeling of desperation in my soul that feared I was going to buy the can of cope, and when the mid point of my transaction passed without cope in my pocket, suddenly the fear was I'd leave without it.Â
But I did leave without it. I don't know how, but I won that battle- the first palpable battle of my, so far, 5 day war. That situation was so drawn out, so long in duration... what I'm trying to say is that my dirty little nic slut is only able to squeeze my balls for so long before she fades away. That Tuesday Battle Royale was one of a kind. The typical bout is kind of like getting horny, as frikkin weird as that sounds. Like that avatar of the bouncing boobs I've seen on this site, MikeA- I saw that and I was like "Holy!" and I leaned in to watch it, it had my attention for a minute, but then it faded as I went on to do something else. My battle went on as long as it did because I LET IT. She had me by the balls in my house, during my decision to go to the store, during my walk through the parking lot, getting the seeds and the ice cream, and that weird slow motion checkout experience, she didn't let go until I left the parking lot to go home. Up until leaving the parking lot, I fully expected to let myself fail. Maybe I needed this to happen, I don't know.
After the "win" I told my wife I was a quitter. She has no way of knowing what I'm going through, but it was my accountability announcement- though I have been telling her I'm trying to quit for a couple of years now, mainly just to get her off my back when she would tell me I had "something" in my teeth.Â
So here I am, on Friday, and 8 lbs heavier. Speaking of which, I don't mind the weight, I'll work it off when I start riding again. Anyway, know what I'm telling myself now?Â
"See how easy it was to quit? You can go back to dipping now knowing you can quit anytime you want! And it will be even easier next time because you'll be ready to quit, better prepared!"
WTH? I say this crap out loud and it sounds frikking stupid, but in my head in the middle of the night its like I had a vision from God. Â
I've still got this "I cannot have fun without dip," feeling that comes with those "trigger" moments. We all know what they are, and even just reading other peoples' descriptions of them brings her icy claws to squeeze my balls. The problem is I have so many freaking trigger moments because I always had a dip in.Â
I think the worst mind game, at day 5, is this feeling in me that my life with dip is not over. That someway, somehow, I know I will justify giving in. The feeling its all hopeless, or that I'm cursed somehow. That I'm destined to fail because where I am now isn't real, dip in my mouth is real. The thousands and thousands of times I've gone to the bathroom to put in the dip and that subsequent feeling of, "whatever happens in the next 4 hours I'm set." I don't get to have that "I'm set" feeling anymore. Or do I?Â
Could it be that when I got rid of that last dip, was that my moment? Whatever happens for the rest of my life... I'm set.Â
Gonna sign the roll call tomorrow. This crap ain't easy, for sure, and it ain't over at 5 days by a long shot.
good insight. you will experience a lot of mind games over the next several months.
perhaps this simple fact will give you more hope....
I recently read somewhere that over 50% of US adult smokers are now quit. In other words, there are about as many people who have quit nicotene in the US than there are people who are currently are nicotene users. Think about that....
quitting is extremely difficult, but millions upon millions of people have done it.
It gets easier. Not as fast as we all would like, but it does get easier.
stay on this site and post roll daily and you'll be fine.
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Simple but effective. "Stay on the site, post roll and you will be fine. "
Be a man of your word ! Post your promise daily and keep it.. you will find the freedom you so desperatley seek.
Sing out if you need help.
STAY QUIT
Greg
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Jimmy127-Thank you. That's some heady stuff. I've been dipping for 30 years and I'm a mess at the moment. I just actually made it through Day One but now it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep and my head's all foggy and I want to take a dip but instead of dipping I logged on here and read your intro. I am in your group (along with CORNWALLACE) and I'll be looking for your name in Roll Call. Peace
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Jimmy... Awesome stuff man. I'm quiting with you today!
TheMissingPeace... It gets better. Day 3 (yesterday) was pure hell, but last night I actually slept for a few hours and woke up with a minimal headache. I m finding staying outside helps... Lots of fresh air. Stay strong, brother!
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Remember every miserable second of what you are going through. As long as you stay clean you never have to live through "the suck" again.
The beginning of your quit is the hardest time you will have. I encourage all new quitters to keep a journal of their quits. How they feel, what they are going through.
It does get better but you have some dues to pay. This is a wicked addiction, breaking free from it is work. Come to the site daily, post roll, be active and believe it gets better.... becuase it does !!
STAY QUIT
Greg
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dashcapt-if you need anything please let me know. I have to keep remimding myself that we are ALL going through or dealing with our own quits and I have read people much further down the road than me talk about how it feels like day one all over again. So, again, if anyone needs anything let me know how I can help.
Greg5280- Thank you. Your focus on Posting Roll really struck a nerve with me, I posted Roll Call very early in the am this morning because that is what I had to do to stay Quit today. Today I am Quit. TMP
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Thanks Peace... Doin' well, actually. Burning every ounce of energy I can muster in the yard. The exercise seems to help...
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dashcapt-I'm going to run 2-3 miles today and drink a ton of water. Feelin' weird all day, hard to desribe? But I posted Roll Call so Today I am Quit. Peace
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dashcapt-I'm going to run 2-3 miles today and drink a ton of water. Feelin' weird all day, hard to desribe? But I posted Roll Call so Today I am Quit. Peace
I know the feeling... This is the first day since I decided to kick the nic bitch that I have felt remotely able to focus. Still feelin' a little "out of body-ish."
Enjoy the run, Peace. You'll probably find you will have a ton of energy to burn!
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Dash-Been running for years. A good run always makes me feel better mentally and damn do I need that right now.
Jimmy-Saw that you Posted Roll Call. Awesome-you're helping me do this because you're just a few days ahead of me and I'm trying to catch up! Peace
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Hey, Guys. Today was wild. I hung out with my buddy, who dips, and we went to the daggum firing range. I was expecting all kinds of insanity, but oddly, today was maybe the easiest day I've had so far. We went to the gas station, I got seeds and a drink and he got 2 cans of skoal. I don't know why or how, but I think seeing him have to get those cans to enjoy his afternoon actually made me stronger somehow in my quit. He isn't interested in quitting, and is worried my wife will tell his wife and then his wife will give him hassle about it.
One thing I noticed about myself, I'm going to bed having forgotten to brush my teeth. Its like, my mouth feels so much cleaner that I don't even think about brushing my teeth.
I'm by no means an expert at this, but from my experience this far, don't dwell on dip. I hit a trigger, I think about how nice a dip would be, then I get pissed and I think about something else. I don't look at my relationship with dip as my having to deal with the loss of a loved aspect of my life- almost like losing a family member, rather I dumped a dirty whore who may have made me feel good but she abused my dog and told lies about me at church, and spent all my money on losing lottery tickets. I'm by far better off without her, and my dog is too. If I hit that trigger and start thinking about dip and "romanticizing" it- meaning only thinking of the good thing rather than all of the bad things then heck yeah its gonna make me want dip more, and the mind games are gonna hit even harder and my wall of determination may start to crack. Look at that can of dip for what it is, a can of crap that will make your mouth fall off. Get mad at it, get hateful with it, thrive on defeating it.
It seems like I'm only afraid of life without it because--- quitting leaves a hole. And its kind of crazy, since when I started dip there wasn't a hole to fill. Dipping made a hole in me. Say what? yeah, dipping made a hole in me, added this whole new aspect to my life, a dependancy that did not exist before. Now, 6 days in quit, and I'm looking at this hole, wondering what will fill it, how can I live with this empty hole. I guess in a way, for now, the seeds and fireballs may throw a tarp over the hole? Maybe. Call me crazy but it feels like the hole has drawn itself smaller, noticiably smaller since last night.
Is that what the quit is about? Hold on, hold on, breakthrough! Hold on, hold on, hold on, breakthrough! One quit moment to the next, letting that hole dip wore in our soul fill and close a little tighter. I'm guessing, from what the old timers say, we screwed ourselves, because the hole will never completely shut- we'll always have temptation, always have to work. But the sense of loss, loss we made for ourselves, will fade to a pinpoint- something akin to, from time to time, thinking we catch a glimpse of that long lost lover from the corner of our eye. We can choose to try to go find her, and quite possibly doom ourself, or say "screw her!" spit in the dirt, and keep on walking.
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good job jimmy. you hit the nail on the head. you suffer from nicotene withdrawal within minutes from your last nicotene use. the only purpose dipping serves is to perpetuate the stupid cycle. what some perceive as calming effects....are really just the effects of feeding your addiction and stopping withdrawal. Nicotene serves no useful purpose....its just a vicious cycle.
If you haven't read this, please do so. I read it often and it helps remind me just how stupid I was.
http://www.killthecan.org/facts/100benefits.asp (http://www.killthecan.org/facts/100benefits.asp)
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jimmy-that was simply awesome. I am never able to say things with such eloquence but I am trying to post a lot anyway. I guess that's just me trying to work my quit. I don't know why but I will really be paying attention to your quit because for some reason it really means something to me. I am honored to be Quit with you and to be in your July 2011 Quit group. I have already come across some great Quitters in our group. I know I keep saying this but I dipped for 30 years and this is my first dip free weekend in 3 decades. I am on Day 2 and I have definitely hit some very rough spots today. I did't sleep well at all last night and I have a pretty heavy fog. But, I posted Roll Call early this morning so today I am Quit. Caving is not an option. It just isn't. Peace
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Teaka, great list! I especially like 36.Don't have to find excuse to go to bathroom to spit out chew when wife becomes "amorous" while watching TV.
I don't know how many times my wife has piled in my lap only to have me dump her off to get up and go do something stupid because I had a dip hidden in my face. It makes me wonder how damaged our relationship may have become from it. There is no doubt it hindered and fractured intimacy and probably gave her some kind of complex. She gets in my lap and wants to kiss and I run away.
As I've said here, I had a dip in all the time, except when I slept. I swallowed my spit, kept the dip deep in the pocket along the molars, I'm telling you I had it in all the time and nobody knew. Wife thought I only dip in my computer room, not so- all the time. I still haven't actually confessed to her that I had a dip in all the time. God help me I could have even had one in when I married her, though I don't remember it. I know I had one in just before.
Missing Peace, You can do it! We've got the rest of our lives ahead of us- free from bondage! Sleep has been the worst part for me, so far. Its like, I lay there and my mind runs 90 miles an hour and- its cool though. I have no triggers when it comes to sleep. I can lay in bed all day and not face a single crave. Weird, huh?
I think its why folks talk about going running. Shoot, a dip in my face made any frikkin physical activity about 10 times harder. Exercise with dip in was just not an option. So folks exercise, because there aren't any triggers for most of us. After exercise, for me, man I have a huge trigger, I plop down in the computer chair and put in that dip while I cool down and enter all my data from my run or ride in my logbook. I think, at this point, I'll be able to brush that trigger off pretty easy. I know what to expect, I've beaten back the crave so many times now that its second nature. I can't let down that guard though, I have to be wary of that fake sense of "loss."
In the mean time, get you some seeds- some fireballs, whatever you can, and try some wild flavors. I got a new pack of seeds today that are flavored with salty bacon grease (in effect). I think they do help, they are something to do, something to think about, something to distract from the dirty whore. Day 2 was my hardest day- don't let the mind games get you, there is nothing worth going back for- plow ahead!
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good job jimmy. you hit the nail on the head. you suffer from nicotene withdrawal within minutes from your last nicotene use. the only purpose dipping serves is to perpetuate the stupid cycle. what some perceive as calming effects....are really just the effects of feeding your addiction and stopping withdrawal. Nicotene serves no useful purpose....its just a vicious cycle.
If you haven't read this, please do so. I read it often and it helps remind me just how stupid I was.
http://www.killthecan.org/facts/100benefits.asp (http://www.killthecan.org/facts/100benefits.asp)
teaka....thanks for posting this link. i hadn't seen this before as i surfed around the site. sat her laughing as i saw myself in so many of these....the dumb ass that i was. still sitting here chuckling.
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jimmy127-go post Roll Call today with the rest of our July 2011 Brothers. We are Quit together. Peace
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Jimmy-That was one of my biggest triggers as well. After a run and a shower I would put a dip in my mouth and sit down at the computer while I cooled down. I would read through the Strat-Talk and TDPRI (telecaster) forums and enjoy a dip. Now I am pretty much living on this site because right now that is what I have to do to protect my Quit. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Peace
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jimmy127-go post Roll Call today with the rest of our July 2011 Brothers. We are Quit together. Peace
I did man, I posted to the list at about 430 in the morning. Someone cut my, and about 5 other guys, names off the list! Scroll up to bout 430 or something on Sunday mornin' if ya need to check it out!
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jimmy127-go post Roll Call today with the rest of our July 2011 Brothers. We are Quit together. Peace
I did man, I posted to the list at about 430 in the morning. Someone cut my, and about 5 other guys, names off the list! Scroll up to bout 430 or something on Sunday mornin' if ya need to check it out!
Um, I think you just cut me from that list dude... go look at your roll call post :? I'm gone, jimmy has taken my place... *move over little dog, the big old dog is movin' in...*
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Teaka, great list! I especially like 36.Don't have to find excuse to go to bathroom to spit out chew when wife becomes "amorous" while watching TV.
I don't know how many times my wife has piled in my lap only to have me dump her off to get up and go do something stupid because I had a dip hidden in my face. It makes me wonder how damaged our relationship may have become from it. There is no doubt it hindered and fractured intimacy and probably gave her some kind of complex. She gets in my lap and wants to kiss and I run away.
As I've said here, I had a dip in all the time, except when I slept. I swallowed my spit, kept the dip deep in the pocket along the molars, I'm telling you I had it in all the time and nobody knew. Wife thought I only dip in my computer room, not so- all the time. I still haven't actually confessed to her that I had a dip in all the time. God help me I could have even had one in when I married her, though I don't remember it. I know I had one in just before.
Missing Peace, You can do it! We've got the rest of our lives ahead of us- free from bondage! Sleep has been the worst part for me, so far. Its like, I lay there and my mind runs 90 miles an hour and- its cool though. I have no triggers when it comes to sleep. I can lay in bed all day and not face a single crave. Weird, huh?
I think its why folks talk about going running. Shoot, a dip in my face made any frikkin physical activity about 10 times harder. Exercise with dip in was just not an option. So folks exercise, because there aren't any triggers for most of us. After exercise, for me, man I have a huge trigger, I plop down in the computer chair and put in that dip while I cool down and enter all my data from my run or ride in my logbook. I think, at this point, I'll be able to brush that trigger off pretty easy. I know what to expect, I've beaten back the crave so many times now that its second nature. I can't let down that guard though, I have to be wary of that fake sense of "loss."
In the mean time, get you some seeds- some fireballs, whatever you can, and try some wild flavors. I got a new pack of seeds today that are flavored with salty bacon grease (in effect). I think they do help, they are something to do, something to think about, something to distract from the dirty whore. Day 2 was my hardest day- don't let the mind games get you, there is nothing worth going back for- plow ahead!
I think you're spot on with the way nicotine damages relationships. When I get back to the states I have a lot of mending to do, and honestly I'm looking forward to it. I'm a new man without nicotine, and she's going to love me even more that I'm not sharing half of my affection with a chemical addiction.
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Andrew, you look like a Jarhead. Tell me you're a Jarhead. I was in from 97 to 05. Its funny, my wife is a Navy nurse and she's about to deploy for 6 to Kuwait. Mind games tell me I should have waited for her to come back, since her being gone will be so stressful.
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jimmy127-go post Roll Call today with the rest of our July 2011 Brothers. We are Quit together. Peace
I did man, I posted to the list at about 430 in the morning. Someone cut my, and about 5 other guys, names off the list! Scroll up to bout 430 or something on Sunday mornin' if ya need to check it out!
Um, I think you just cut me from that list dude... go look at your roll call post :? I'm gone, jimmy has taken my place... *move over little dog, the big old dog is movin' in...*
Dude, no I didn't cut ya, I bumped ya. I posted at 129 and you posted at 128, which was like 428 am my time. What the crap were we posting for at 430 on a Monday Mornin?
I rekkin I'll try to be a lil more careful when it comes to bumps, its only my 3rd roll call :P
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jimmy-Sorry about that! No big deal but I'm kind of embarrassed because I was urging people to post Roll Call not realizing that they had but had gotten bumped. Lots of bumping going on. I can't keep up with it! I'm still not sleeping. I keep waking up thinking I have to go to work and only 10, 15, 30 minutes have passed since the last time I woke up. Everybody and everything really got on my nerves today. I'm going to have to keep myself in check. It's not anybody else's fault that I am a nic addict. Peace