KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: diverfreak on July 29, 2012, 03:47:00 AM
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Hello Everyone! I lucked into this site tonight. I read a bunch of info and decided it was 100% time to quit for good.
Here is my bio
I am 39 years old. I started chewing at the age of 15 and chewed snuff in my upper lip till i was 33years old. My older brother was diagnosed with terminal esophogial cancer and i decided i was going to quit for me and hope he would be stronger and try to quit smoking during his chemo. It was easier than hell to quit, i stopped cold turkey, kicked its ass and told my self every day i was a winner and felt like a warrior that wouldnt loose, it was mind over matter and my mind always won. I stayed clean for 2 years and 2 months. After my brother passed away i kind of went weird in the head and had a midlife crisis, I wont go into details. But during this time i went bear hunting with a long time friend and at the time i was suffering from a very bad prostate infection, which i didnt know what it was so i was stressed beyond belief. While hunting i figured i would return home and be told i was dying from something. At my weakest point i decided to bum a chew off of my friend. I thought" Hell, i quit and one wont hurt" Well, bullshit, we all know where that leads. That was over 3 years ago. I have tried to quit more times than i want to admit. But here is my biggest problem with quitting.
my wife and family and kids helped me thru it as they all new i chewed and encouraged me daily and told me how proud they were of me every day. Well the truth is they dont know i started up again. IT really sucks that i chew pouches as i can have one in and no one is the wiser. It would kill my wife to know i started and kept it from her.
I feel terrible about the whole decieving part put the chew is the worst demon i have ever had. I quit for 3-5 days and turn into an asshole and try to control my short bouts of rage and then decide to start again before i go to far. I am between a rock and a hard place. I want my wife to still look up to me but if i tell her i started again then she will always doubt everything i do.
I want to quit and be done with this shit. I did it once and it was easy, i just need some support. Who is willing to help me out? I know i can do this with some support.
I dumped my last can 15 minutes ago and plan to start the first day of the rest of my life tomorrow. I plan on putting some things in place first thing when i get off of the pc.
1. Not the best Christian but i am going to pray and beg God to help me be strong and give me some help thru this and keep doing it till i have no more cravings even if its the rest of my life
2.pay for gas with a credit card and not walk into a gas station
3 Buy 4 bags of wintergreen life savers, 4 bags of sunflower seeds, 2 packs of gum
4. tell my self every few minutes that i dont chew and that i am strong and a winner, sounds gay but it worked for me the first time.
Yep, thats my plan for tomorrow. I just remember how i felt after quiting the first time, i felt like i was 10 feet tall and bullet proof, now i just feel like a big piece of shit, weak, second class citizen.
I will check in as often as i can during everyday and may need to lean on a few of you and you can do the same to me. This is a big deal for me
Here is to a new day, please keep me in your prayers and thoughts!
DiverFreak
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Hello Everyone! I lucked into this site tonight. I read a bunch of info and decided it was 100% time to quit for good.
Here is my bio
I am 39 years old. I started chewing at the age of 15 and chewed snuff in my upper lip till i was 33years old. My older brother was diagnosed with terminal esophogial cancer and i decided i was going to quit for me and hope he would be stronger and try to quit smoking during his chemo. It was easier than hell to quit, i stopped cold turkey, kicked its ass and told my self every day i was a winner and felt like a warrior that wouldnt loose, it was mind over matter and my mind always won. I stayed clean for 2 years and 2 months. After my brother passed away i kind of went weird in the head and had a midlife crisis, I wont go into details. But during this time i went bear hunting with a long time friend and at the time i was suffering from a very bad prostate infection, which i didnt know what it was so i was stressed beyond belief. While hunting i figured i would return home and be told i was dying from something. At my weakest point i decided to bum a chew off of my friend. I thought" Hell, i quit and one wont hurt" Well, bullshit, we all know where that leads. That was over 3 years ago. I have tried to quit more times than i want to admit. But here is my biggest problem with quitting.
my wife and family and kids helped me thru it as they all new i chewed and encouraged me daily and told me how proud they were of me every day. Well the truth is they dont know i started up again. IT really sucks that i chew pouches as i can have one in and no one is the wiser. It would kill my wife to know i started and kept it from her.
I feel terrible about the whole decieving part put the chew is the worst demon i have ever had. I quit for 3-5 days and turn into an asshole and try to control my short bouts of rage and then decide to start again before i go to far. I am between a rock and a hard place. I want my wife to still look up to me but if i tell her i started again then she will always doubt everything i do.
I want to quit and be done with this shit. I did it once and it was easy, i just need some support. Who is willing to help me out? I know i can do this with some support.
I dumped my last can 15 minutes ago and plan to start the first day of the rest of my life tomorrow. I plan on putting some things in place first thing when i get off of the pc.
1. Not the best Christian but i am going to pray and beg God to help me be strong and give me some help thru this and keep doing it till i have no more cravings even if its the rest of my life
2.pay for gas with a credit card and not walk into a gas station
3 Buy 4 bags of wintergreen life savers, 4 bags of sunflower seeds, 2 packs of gum
4. tell my self every few minutes that i dont chew and that i am strong and a winner, sounds gay but it worked for me the first time.
Yep, thats my plan for tomorrow. I just remember how i felt after quiting the first time, i felt like i was 10 feet tall and bullet proof, now i just feel like a big piece of shit, weak, second class citizen.
I will check in as often as i can during everyday and may need to lean on a few of you and you can do the same to me. This is a big deal for me
Here is to a new day, please keep me in your prayers and thoughts!
DiverFreak
Hey man, glad you made the decision that you have.
got one more item on that list of things to do. and that is while you are on this site, that is when you wake up each morning, to come in here and make a single promise to yourself and your brothers here that you will remain nicotene free for a day. That is all we ask.
And tomorrow repeat.
take in the information that is here on the site, and yell out if you have any questions
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God won't help you. He will instead pat you on the back after you do it yourself--but he will not do it for you.
This is simply about you NOT putting cancer in your mouth today. Some days will be very painful---some days will be easy. The key is to make a promise today to Quit today come Hell or High water.
I like your plan. Include in your plan to contact your Quit brothers or family and friends when things get bad. Caving is not an option if you post your promise---post your promise every day.
This is cliche but----ONE DAY AT A TIME! At the end of the day let God pat you on the back for what YOU accomplished.
LL
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I'd give some serious thought about coming clean to your family. You need their support, and piling lies on top of lies won't solve anything. It's one less thing you'll be stressed over.
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Who is willing to help me out?
Dude, you wrote that. You, first and foremost have to be willing and committed to helping you out. This is going to be a bitch of a road to climb so first you have to come clean to your wife and the rest of your family. You have to understand that they will be upset and question you. But the pyscho-babble bullshit about them not trusting you or looking up to you is a mind fuck you are putting on yourself so you can stay addicted to nicotene. You have to see that first.
Here's what you can do:
1. Set the table properly. Clear the air and leave nothing out
2. Invite all your guests. The more in your quit group, the better your chance to stay quit
3. Post roll. First thing every morning, leave nothing to chance.
4. Get contact info and develop strong bonds with those in your quit group. You will need to lean on each other more than you can imagine.
5. Pray for guidance and strength. God gives us all we need in every aspect of our lives, it is up to us, though, to find where and why he leads us how He does.
Heed these words and push all your chips in, now is the time to change. Hit me up for contact info.
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no.
The word is NO.
It is THE word that will keep you quit.
NO I will not back down.
NO I will not sacrifice my dignity to grovel at the feet of nicotine.
NO I will not give up my freedom in exchange for slavery.
NO I will not sacrifice my integrity for the empty promise that is a crave.
NO I will not enrich the coffers of those whose wealth is built on the misery of others.
NO I will not let my family down
NO I will not contribute to my own early demise today.
HELL NO I will not ingest nicotine today.
Advice is here, Support is here. An ass kicking when necessary is here. The fortitude to say NO is up to you.
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Made it back today, I put on my helmet, put on my sword, I ate a big bowl of wheaties and i am going to kick ass today! Thanks for your help. Judge me if you want but i wont judge you. I am here for moral support so i can kill the mother fucking cunt beast NICOTINE!!!! Day 1 in the trenches!!!
Diverfreak
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Made it back today, I put on my helmet, put on my sword, I ate a big bowl of wheaties and i am going to kick ass today! Thanks for your help. Judge me if you want but i wont judge you. I am here for moral support so i can kill the mother fucking cunt beast NICOTINE!!!! Day 1 in the trenches!!!
Diverfreak
Just my .02...
Make this thing real. Head over to November '12 and post roll. I'll see you there.
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good job on posting up in your quit group, diver.
Click above on the WELCOME CENTER on the above left and read about what roll call means, and how to post roll.
Welcome aboard.
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+1 brother, well done. Let's kill this thing. Just have to make it till bedtime and it's in the books. PM me if you need anything at all. Hell, shoot me a text you've got my number.
Denny
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Well today is day 4. Wish i would was on day 400 but that will eventually come. I have tried to quit numerous times since my 2 year quit. I think what it boils down to is finally having enough and saying fuck it. I have quit 20 to 30 times in the last 3 years and made it 3 days and everytime i get to day 3 i buy a can and start chewing and tell my self, Dang i can quit any time, REALY? Got to love how your brain/addiction makes you believe stupid shit.
At any rate, i do believe i have my chewing addiction kicked for today! I would love to say for the rest of my life, but i am an addict and can only live one day at a time. I am doing and feeling better with this quit than i ever have. I am positive as i want to be quit and never have the devils dirt in my mouth ever again. I keep telling myself everytime i think of chewing" I dont CHEW", What is that crap any way"? It seems to be working.
I will post up in a few days to report on my quit!
Diverfreak
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One day at a time. One day at a time. Post, stay quit, repeat. If you think about buying a tin, go and read some of the true stories and look at the cancer pics first. Then get in the chat room to help you until the crave passes. It will pass, I promise. Stay tough and screw the nic bitch.
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Diver that's exactly the way I felt this quit is so different. It's not a try. The word try has a hidden failure built in, a plan to cave! Being away from home and on the road beware of hidden triggers!
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Diver that's exactly the way I felt this quit is so different. It's not a try. The word try has a hidden failure built in, a plan to cave! Being away from home and on the road beware of hidden triggers!
'clap' We QUIT! simple as that! Day 4, day 400, or day 4000, doesnt matter, what matters is today. We all go through the ups and downs of quit, somedays are great, others suck, I like your determination!
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So today, i had the case of the irritations. Everything irritated the fuck out of me. I tried pouring a glass of tea and it spilt. I thought in my head, FUCK, if i had a chew that wouldnt happen. I stubbed my tow on the bed, i thought to myself" That wouldnt happen if i was chewing". I went to get the mail and on my way back in to the house i dropped 3 pieces of mail and had to bend over to pick them up, fuck that pissed me off and i though" If i was chewing i wouldnt of dropped that. I went out to the garage and started rigging my duck decoys as i have 500 new decoys i have to have ready by october 1st and i thought" I could go faster if i had a chew in"!
Now, remember i am on day 4 so i get these stupid thoughts, I am smart enough to get them out of my mind and focus on something else. I just find it funny that an addicts brain finds positive in the most negative thing and negative in the most positive thing.
So, i started to keep track of things i did today that i havent done in years without a chew in my mouth. Going to get gas, walking in to a gas station and getting a coke minus the tin can!!!!!! Taking my morning crap. Working my hunting dog, sitting on the couch watching tv. etc etc. I had to think to my self, HOW WOULD OF HAVING A CHEW IN MY MOUTH MADE THIS ANY BETTER? And like i knew and thought, having a chew would of made it all worse and negative. FUCK CHEW, FUCK THE HORSE IT ROAD IN ON, AND FUCK ITS MOTHERS MOTHER!!!!
I also went through all my hiding spots today as i just got back into town late last night. I Pulled out 150 empty cans of pouches and put them out on the curb as tomorrow is garbage day. HOLY SHIT 5 months of addiction in the trash. I am having a hard time grasping why and how i am so fucking week to let that shit run and control my life. The more i think the madder i get the stronger my testimony to the quit gets. tomorrow is day 5 and before you know it will be day 10. Thanks for all you support and words gentlemen. We all need some harsh and kind words from our brotheren to keep us in the right direction.
DiverFreak
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Some of the things we do and think about nicotine is both sad and funny.
Keep the updates coming !
Quit for today.
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So today, i had the case of the irritations. Everything irritated the fuck out of me. I tried pouring a glass of tea and it spilt. I thought in my head, FUCK, if i had a chew that wouldnt happen. I stubbed my tow on the bed, i thought to myself" That wouldnt happen if i was chewing". I went to get the mail and on my way back in to the house i dropped 3 pieces of mail and had to bend over to pick them up, fuck that pissed me off and i though" If i was chewing i wouldnt of dropped that. I went out to the garage and started rigging my duck decoys as i have 500 new decoys i have to have ready by october 1st and i thought" I could go faster if i had a chew in"!
Now, remember i am on day 4 so i get these stupid thoughts, I am smart enough to get them out of my mind and focus on something else. I just find it funny that an addicts brain finds positive in the most negative thing and negative in the most positive thing.
So, i started to keep track of things i did today that i havent done in years without a chew in my mouth. Going to get gas, walking in to a gas station and getting a coke minus the tin can!!!!!! Taking my morning crap. Working my hunting dog, sitting on the couch watching tv. etc etc. I had to think to my self, HOW WOULD OF HAVING A CHEW IN MY MOUTH MADE THIS ANY BETTER? And like i knew and thought, having a chew would of made it all worse and negative. FUCK CHEW, FUCK THE HORSE IT ROAD IN ON, AND FUCK ITS MOTHERS MOTHER!!!!
I also went through all my hiding spots today as i just got back into town late last night. I Pulled out 150 empty cans of pouches and put them out on the curb as tomorrow is garbage day. HOLY SHIT 5 months of addiction in the trash. I am having a hard time grasping why and how i am so fucking week to let that shit run and control my life. The more i think the madder i get the stronger my testimony to the quit gets. tomorrow is day 5 and before you know it will be day 10. Thanks for all you support and words gentlemen. We all need some harsh and kind words from our brotheren to keep us in the right direction.
DiverFreak
Good on you man. You will need to look back at this entry at some point in your quit when the going gets tough. These kind of posts hold serious value because those are your words, not someone else's.
Just read in another thread something similar and the prevailing thought was that life is a trigger. Our addict brain could use anything in our day to day activities to induce a cave, that is how an addict brain operates. Guard your quit at all times because everything in your life could be a trigger, if you let it.
See you at roll, QLAFM
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So today, i had the case of the irritations. Everything irritated the fuck out of me. I tried pouring a glass of tea and it spilt. I thought in my head, FUCK, if i had a chew that wouldnt happen. I stubbed my tow on the bed, i thought to myself" That wouldnt happen if i was chewing". I went to get the mail and on my way back in to the house i dropped 3 pieces of mail and had to bend over to pick them up, fuck that pissed me off and i though" If i was chewing i wouldnt of dropped that. I went out to the garage and started rigging my duck decoys as i have 500 new decoys i have to have ready by october 1st and i thought" I could go faster if i had a chew in"!
 Now, remember i am on day 4 so i get these stupid thoughts, I am smart enough to get them out of my mind and focus on something else. I just find it funny that an addicts brain finds positive in the most negative thing and negative in the most positive thing.Â
So, i started to keep track of things i did today that i havent done in years without a chew in my mouth. Going to get gas, walking in to a gas station and getting a coke minus the tin can!!!!!! Taking my morning crap. Working my hunting dog, sitting on the couch watching tv. etc etc. I had to think to my self, HOW WOULD OF HAVING A CHEW IN MY MOUTH MADE THIS ANY BETTER? And like i knew and thought, having a chew would of made it all worse and negative. FUCK CHEW, FUCK THE HORSE IT ROAD IN ON, AND FUCK ITS MOTHERS MOTHER!!!!
I also went through all my hiding spots today as i just got back into town late last night. I Pulled out 150 empty cans of pouches and put them out on the curb as tomorrow is garbage day. HOLY SHIT 5 months of addiction in the trash. I am having a hard time grasping why and how i am so fucking week to let that shit run and control my life. The more i think the madder i get the stronger my testimony to the quit gets. tomorrow is day 5 and before you know it will be day 10. Thanks for all you support and words gentlemen. We all need some harsh and kind words from our brotheren to keep us in the right direction.
DiverFreak
Good on you man. You will need to look back at this entry at some point in your quit when the going gets tough. These kind of posts hold serious value because those are your words, not someone else's.
Just read in another thread something similar and the prevailing thought was that life is a trigger. Our addict brain could use anything in our day to day activities to induce a cave, that is how an addict brain operates. Guard your quit at all times because everything in your life could be a trigger, if you let it.
See you at roll, QLAFM
Day 6, i have this DICKED!!!!! Atleast for today. To be honest, quiting this sime has been easier than i thought. I am not saying it was a walk in the park but for me everything lined up perfect for this quit. I am sure 90% of it was finding this website. I have wanted to quit for ever but not bad enough to really do it. This time i said F it, i am so sick of the sore mouth, being a ninja, etc etc. I finally got to the point where chew was my worst enemy and when i hate someting that bad i find a way to get it out of my life.
For today i am quit, and today is a pretty Gosh Damned good day!
Diverfreak
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Diverfreak,
Like your style and quit with you today.
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So today, i had the case of the irritations. Everything irritated the fuck out of me. I tried pouring a glass of tea and it spilt. I thought in my head, FUCK, if i had a chew that wouldnt happen. I stubbed my tow on the bed, i thought to myself" That wouldnt happen if i was chewing". I went to get the mail and on my way back in to the house i dropped 3 pieces of mail and had to bend over to pick them up, fuck that pissed me off and i though" If i was chewing i wouldnt of dropped that. I went out to the garage and started rigging my duck decoys as i have 500 new decoys i have to have ready by october 1st and i thought" I could go faster if i had a chew in"!
Now, remember i am on day 4 so i get these stupid thoughts, I am smart enough to get them out of my mind and focus on something else. I just find it funny that an addicts brain finds positive in the most negative thing and negative in the most positive thing.
So, i started to keep track of things i did today that i havent done in years without a chew in my mouth. Going to get gas, walking in to a gas station and getting a coke minus the tin can!!!!!! Taking my morning crap. Working my hunting dog, sitting on the couch watching tv. etc etc. I had to think to my self, HOW WOULD OF HAVING A CHEW IN MY MOUTH MADE THIS ANY BETTER? And like i knew and thought, having a chew would of made it all worse and negative. FUCK CHEW, FUCK THE HORSE IT ROAD IN ON, AND FUCK ITS MOTHERS MOTHER!!!!
I also went through all my hiding spots today as i just got back into town late last night. I Pulled out 150 empty cans of pouches and put them out on the curb as tomorrow is garbage day. HOLY SHIT 5 months of addiction in the trash. I am having a hard time grasping why and how i am so fucking week to let that shit run and control my life. The more i think the madder i get the stronger my testimony to the quit gets. tomorrow is day 5 and before you know it will be day 10. Thanks for all you support and words gentlemen. We all need some harsh and kind words from our brotheren to keep us in the right direction.
DiverFreak
Diver,
Good stuff man. Had many days like that myself. Stay strong..