KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: overitinmt on March 16, 2016, 02:40:00 PM
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Hey there,
I might have an intro in here buried somewhere... But here I am again, third time in my life quitting chew. 'bang head'
I have been chewing off and on again for about 9 years. The first time I attempted quitting, I was on my own, and it found me again after being quit for about a year. In 2013 I stumbled on this site, and it helped me quit, and was the greatest thing I had ever found in my journey of quit. Fast forward around 150 days of quit, and I caved in one my most vulnerable states. I will post my answer to the 3 questions below, but I have been slave to it for the past three years, and knew I wanted to quit, knew needed to, it just had a hold of me and I've hated it but loved it from the beginning. I am committed, March 9th, 2016 was the last time I will ever have chew in my mouth again. Not even once. I can't do that poison again, and I refuse to let something control me like that ever again. I am quitting for myself this time around, because I think I was trying to quit for my wife and other reasons in the past. I have 3 younger brothers that are addicted to nicotine in some fashion, and I want to be a good example to them, and encourage them that it is possible to be quit.
I'm 30 years old, I am a graphic designer by trade, but my real passions in life are fly-fishing the great state of Montana, bowhunting elk and deer, backpacking to high mountain lakes, wood-working, and anything else that can get me in the woods. I also paint, I got a second degree in it, but that's something I need to get back into. I have a beautiful, smart, frustrating wife of 7 years whom I love, and two great mini australian shepherd dogs.
Thanks for welcoming me back, I'm sorry I'm back, but I'm here to stay.
Answers to the three questions:
1. What happened?
I think I just allowed myself to think I was stronger or more capable than I actually am. I caved on an evening of a screaming match with my wife. I drove off and out of anger bought a can, thinking I could just toss it in the morning.
2. Why did it happen?
Hmmmm.... I'm thinking about what Irish said: 'why did you let go of the valve?'.... He's right. I'm an addict, that's why I'm here. I honestly thought at that very moment, despite my re-training my mind through help with KTC, that it would help me. Like it was my last resort to save me or something. I think I was sad, and probably mad enough to not care at that brief moment what happened to me, even if it was bad. I allowed nic back in my life, with that decision that night. And for the past three years it has held me down. I could have come back, right? I had a couple people text and message me after I caved. I think I felt ashamed... Mad at myself and worthless after I started again. Pride, selfishness, foolishness. Nic has no grace, no forgiveness. It took me by the balls and drug me around, like I was it's bitch. I can't have just one. It's like those commercials about meth. Not even once... That's how I am. That's the reality of it's hold on my life.
3. How are you going to keep it from happening again?
Well, I know for damn sure I can't do it on my own... I am most vulnerable when I am angry, or depressed... I can honestly say that I don't exactly know what my escape plan is right now. I'm willing to learn a new route.. I am trying to start by coming back to this place. I came back to this site for support. I didn't take kindly to being attacked right out of the gate, but I get why it happened. I know that I need someone or something in my life to prevent a cave from every happening again. I have Palpatine Irish's digits, as they have graciously shared, so my current plan now is to post roll every day, decide every day to quit, and suck up my pride and text these random people when I am at my most vulnerable.
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I forgot how much this first part sucked... For some reason days 6,7 and 8 have kicked my ass. Especially during the work day and when I get home.. I have been going to a hot springs right next to my work and sitting in the sauna for a long time each evening, and that seems to be helping a lot. I have thoughts creeping in my head, is this what it will be like? Is this worth it? But I know I am an addict, I have a disease, and I need this poison out of my life. This period of suck is about as miserable as it comes. Don't forget Jared, do not forget where you came from. Don't ever put it in your mouth again. Period.
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Just get through today. We're here if you need us.
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If you play your cards right, you don't have to go through this again.
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have Palpatine Irish's digits, as they have graciously shared, so my current plan now is to post roll every day, decide every day to quit, and suck up my pride and text these random people when I am at my most vulnerable.
Turn these and other random people into friends by texting them BEFORE you are at your most vulnerable. If you want this, you gotta put in the work.
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I've gotta say, I'm usually one to give cavers a huge raft of shit when they come back.
That being said, I appreciate the thought and effort put into your answers. It sounds as though you really do want this. But, like dano said, reach out to the guys whose numbers you have BEFORE you're on the ledge.
I look forward to seeing you on roll. Quit on.
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have Palpatine Irish's digits, as they have graciously shared, so my current plan now is to post roll every day, decide every day to quit, and suck up my pride and text these random people when I am at my most vulnerable.
Turn these and other random people into friends by texting them BEFORE you are at your most vulnerable. If you want this, you gotta put in the work.
That's a good point... I think it's still strange to me reaching out to people I don't know. But, I'm seeing more and more how serious people are on here about not only their quit, but other people's quit, which is cool knowing people actually give a shit, and that we are not alone in this.
But I will do that. Thanks,
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If you play your cards right, you don't have to go through this again.
I was never any good at cards.. My college roommate was addicted to poker, and to this day owes me over $1,000, so ever since then I have shied away from cards. Needless to say, I will never go through this again, I am never giving nic the opportunity. Not even once...
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I've gotta say, I'm usually one to give cavers a huge raft of shit when they come back.
That being said, I appreciate the thought and effort put into your answers. It sounds as though you really do want this. But, like dano said, reach out to the guys whose numbers you have BEFORE you're on the ledge.
I look forward to seeing you on roll. Quit on.
Thanks for not giving me shit... Though I understand why you would have. I really do want this. I want victory today, and tomorrow and every day after that. I will be reaching out today to those I have numbers for. Thanks for the advice, and quit on...
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If you play your cards right, you don't have to go through this again.
I was never any good at cards.. My college roommate was addicted to poker, and to this day owes me over $1,000, so ever since then I have shied away from cards. Needless to say, I will never go through this again, I am never giving nic the opportunity. Not even once...
Cards are all about probability. We bet based on the odds which is a function of the game, the number of players and the number of decks being used, in the case of a casino. We wager based on our gut and a feel for the numbers. Sounds like you got lucky and your old roommate's someone not to be trusted.
The odds here are greatly increased in our favor when we post roll and keep our word every day. The probability of failure is almost zero that day. 'Never' is an abstract concept and untenable as such. Today is much more realistic when we stack the deck.
Speaking of stacks. 'boob' My days have amassed a pile of chips in front of me bigger then I could have ever imagined. Over $10,000 of real winnings. Tax free with Ktc and these tools.
It's a life saving metaphor that pays you back in spades.
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If you play your cards right, you don't have to go through this again.
I was never any good at cards.. My college roommate was addicted to poker, and to this day owes me over $1,000, so ever since then I have shied away from cards. Needless to say, I will never go through this again, I am never giving nic the opportunity. Not even once...
Cards are all about probability. We bet based on the odds which is a function of the game, the number of players and the number of decks being used, in the case of a casino. We wager based on our gut and a feel for the numbers. Sounds like you got lucky and your old roommate's someone not to be trusted.
The odds here are greatly increased in our favor when we post roll and keep our word every day. The probability of failure is almost zero that day. 'Never' is an abstract concept and untenable as such. Today is much more realistic when we stack the deck.
Speaking of stacks. 'boob' My days have amassed a pile of chips in front of me bigger then I could have ever imagined. Over $10,000 of real winnings. Tax free with Ktc and these tools.
It's a life saving metaphor that pays you back in spades.
haha good point! You should buy yourself a boat to celebrate! ;)
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I don't know what to do, so I'll just vent here. I am at work, I have shit ton to get done, but I can't think, I can't focus, my mind is racing, massive anxiety/panic attacks happening, I feel like I am outside of my body looking in. I hate this. I can't tell if this is from dip, or from seasonal depression, but I can't focus. It hasn't gotten any better it feels like, and makes me wonder why I am doing this in the first place.
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I don't know what to do, so I'll just vent here. I am at work, I have shit ton to get done, but I can't think, I can't focus, my mind is racing, massive anxiety/panic attacks happening, I feel like I am outside of my body looking in. I hate this. I can't tell if this is from dip, or from seasonal depression, but I can't focus. It hasn't gotten any better it feels like, and makes me wonder why I am doing this in the first place.
You're doing this because life isn't about being a slave to the shit that put you in this position.
Freedom.
Never having to feel this way again. Ever.
You did yesterday. You can do today.
You gave your word.
Own it.
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Today is day 31.... One month quit. I remember vividly the night I chose to go and buy Nic again to 'deal with my stress'..... Yet I have been more stressed now in my life than I was ever before when I chose to do that.
My best friend died a year ago on Monday from an avalanche in a back country ski accident. His wife/widow is a good friend and I see her weekly. I think on it often and mourn him.
My wife just kicked me out of the house. I will be staying at an apartment until we figure things out. Seven long years of fighting, and no major progress. Lots of therapy.. No kids, just two pups.
My work is horrendous. I have the bosses from hell. They scream at people daily and are old and should probably just die because they are the worst. No really, like pieces of shit.
I am depressed more now than I was in college. I just started back on antidepressants. I know I need help. It started to get real bad after I started quitting....
But I am quit. Today, I am quit. With you all. One month in and I'm loving not having that in my shoulders.
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Today is day 31.... One month quit. I remember vividly the night I chose to go and buy Nic again to 'deal with my stress'..... Yet I have been more stressed now in my life than I was ever before when I chose to do that.
My best friend died a year ago on Monday from an avalanche in a back country ski accident. His wife/widow is a good friend and I see her weekly. I think on it often and mourn him.
My wife just kicked me out of the house. I will be staying at an apartment until we figure things out. Seven long years of fighting, and no major progress. Lots of therapy.. No kids, just two pups.
My work is horrendous. I have the bosses from hell. They scream at people daily and are old and should probably just die because they are the worst. No really, like pieces of shit.
I am depressed more now than I was in college. I just started back on antidepressants. I know I need help. It started to get real bad after I started quitting....
But I am quit. Today, I am quit. With you all. One month in and I'm loving not having that in my shoulders.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm going through similar stuff on the homefront. These issues, though challenging at this time, would not be improved by nicotine. In fact, they would worsen all of these fronts. Sometimes it's incredibly difficult to see when you're in the trenches, but you will smash through this on all levels. Make sure you are taking care of yourself by eating well, getting sleep, exercise and just plain doing stuff YOU enjoy. We're with you bro.
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Hate hearing how tough things are for you. Folks on here have got you. If you need a shoulder, and ear, a sounding board, advice, cheer leader, whatever.