KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: babyk77 on August 04, 2011, 01:31:00 PM
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Hello Everyone,
It would be great if you could give me some advice on this subject. I myself have never had any addictions. Now my fiance has been chewing since he was a teen. He has quit a few different times I guess. He called me up one day last Nov and told me he was going to try to quit, well I was very happy because I never liked it but I wanted it to be his decision.
I asked him than why he was doing it, first he said for himself, than he said that was bull it was for me, because he loved me and wanted to be better for me and for us and he wanted to be around for me. Well I had always told him if your going to do it at least tell me don't lie. Through out the months I did question him from time to time because I thought I may have seen remanients. But he adamently swore no he wasn't doing it so I took him at his word. Well this past Saturday, I seen it and had for a few days so I asked and he said he took a dip from his brothers can, than from someone at work to.
Well I was very hurt because here he had been doing it for almost a month and just was going to let me believe and go on being proud of him. I feel decieved. He tells me he doesn't want to be a chewer and he's not addicted because he hasn't went out and purchased his own can. I myself think it's BS!! I'm having a very hard time with this. He said he feels terrible for hurting me. I just don't know what to think about the whole deal, any thoughts or insight would be great.
Thanks in advance.
babyk
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Well there you have it. This is why quitting for others doesn't work. It made a liar out of him - not because he doesn't love you, but because he does. He didn't want to hurt you and he liked it that you were proud of him, so he hid it from you. He's probably even struggled with being angry with you that you found out. You got it right. It makes no sense, but it's all perfectly predictable.
He wouldn't have done that if he was quitting for himself. Then he might have asked you for help, if he thought you could give it. He might have let you know that he was struggling. But he got it wrong.
Besides, he needs to stop leeching off of others to feed his addiction. Sneaky cheapskate.
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Proof that quitting for someone else never work.
Do not feel deceived, it's not him doing the deceiving, it's the nic bitch. She will make you lie cheat and steal to remain in your life. She will do it again and again.
You should read this about spousal support.
http://www.killthecan.org/community/spouse.asp (http://www.killthecan.org/community/spouse.asp)
Introduce him to this site and we can help him with his decision.
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Hello Everyone,
It would be great if you could give me some advice on this subject. I myself have never had any addictions. Now my fiance has been chewing since he was a teen. He has quit a few different times I guess. He called me up one day last Nov and told me he was going to try to quit, well I was very happy because I never liked it but I wanted it to be his decision.
I asked him than why he was doing it, first he said for himself, than he said that was bull it was for me, because he loved me and wanted to be better for me and for us and he wanted to be around for me. Well I had always told him if your going to do it at least tell me don't lie. Through out the months I did question him from time to time because I thought I may have seen remanients. But he adamently swore no he wasn't doing it so I took him at his word. Well this past Saturday, I seen it and had for a few days so I asked and he said he took a dip from his brothers can, than from someone at work to.
Well I was very hurt because here he had been doing it for almost a month and just was going to let me believe and go on being proud of him. I feel decieved. He tells me he doesn't want to be a chewer and he's not addicted because he hasn't went out and purchased his own can. I myself think it's BS!! I'm having a very hard time with this. He said he feels terrible for hurting me. I just don't know what to think about the whole deal, any thoughts or insight would be great.
Thanks in advance.
babyk
I think that your fiancée is an addict and if he doesn't want to stop, he's not going to.
You can not force him to. Quitting for you will not be successful either. He has to do it for himself.
If he would like help in actually quitting, he can toss his stuff and come to this website himself. But we can't make him. We can only help.
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He tells me he doesn't want to be a chewer and he's not addicted because he hasn't went out and purchased his own can. I myself think it's BS!!
I agree. It's BS. Don't blame it all on your fiance, though. Nicotine is a nasty mistress. I lied to my wife just like you're describing. Many others (I dare say MOST others) here did also. It's the life of an addict. None of that means we don't love our partners, our brains just play dirty little tricks on us.
If there is any way you could get him to KTC, he may jump in and beat this thing. You've engaged the conversation with him. That at least tells me that he knows he has to quit, he just doesn't know how. Maybe drop him a link via email? The tools are here, but we can't make him join up. Don't nag or pressure him, just plant the seed, cultivate it occassionaly, and hope it grows.
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The only thing worse than an addict is an addict that bums.
Tell him that you found this website and have read the spousal support section (link below) and would encourage him to come here when he's ready to quit. Tell him that we all recognize that we're addicts....that quitting is hard, hard work....but it can be done if he will buy into our time-proven, 100% guaranteed, system.
Oh, and tell that cheap sum bitch it don't cost nothin'. And demand flowers next Valentine's day.
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The only thing worse than an addict is an addict that bums.Â
Tell him that you found this website and have read the spousal support section (link below) and would encourage him to come here when he's ready to quit. Tell him that we all recognize that we're addicts....that quitting is hard, hard work....but it can be done if he will buy into our time-proven, 100% guaranteed, system.Â
Oh, and tell that cheap sum bitch it don't cost nothin'. And demand flowers next Valentine's day.
i notised gmann for got to provide you a link baby so here it is --- click rite here (http://www.killthecan.org/community/spouse.asp)
and hes only haff rite. demand flowers for all the valintinse days.
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I chewed on my honeymoon. My wife thought I had quit. I love her more than anything.
If he wants to quit, he will. Logic and addiction rarely go hand in hand. Most likely, your husband is justifying his nicotine use with all kinds of arguments that make perfect sense in his actively addicted mind but sound completely ludicrious to the unitiated. Nicotine is a bitch.
Don't nag.
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Hey cupcake, you come to our house and ask us for advice and you get 7 bad ass quitters to take time to respond to you and you have no response or thanks for the help we gave you and are offering to give you and your fiance????
'finger point'
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Hello Everyone,
I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm greatful and really appreciate all the advice. I didn't really know how to bring the topic up to my fiance so this morning I decided to tell him. I said remember the website I found when you quit chewing to help me know how to help you and that had all that great information. I said well I went back on it and now I got some great advice from some people on how to help me deal with you starting again, all he asked me was what was the name of the website, but he didn't seem all and all that interested. He is still going with that he's not addidted because he's not doing it all the time and doesn't need it all the time and he still hasn't purchased his own. I'm sorry I still believe he is just fooling himself and as long as he keeps telling himself this he feels justified in doing it, or this times different, like he's in control of it.
He told me this morning he hadn't had it since some time last week but I have a hard time believing that. It just bugs me so bad that he's doing it again because I was so proud of him for making the decision all on his own to quit, and now to just start again. How will I ever really know if he trys again to quit that he's not doing it? Maybe I am making to big of a deal out of this I don't know but I have a hard time because it is how I feel. And he says to methat he wants my forgiveness, that is hard to give when he is still turning around and doing what caused the hurt in the first place. I don't know any thoughts, if you'll still give me some for not responding sooner from the last time, again I'm sorry about that!!!
Babyk
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He's for sure chewing again... Been there, done that. Does he take a long time to "empty the trash" or try really hard to go places by himself? Chewing the whole time, guaranteed. You won't be able to force it. My fiancée tried and I even went on medication to help. I'm 10 days free a YEAR later, but because I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to do this for me, not her. Cold turkey, no meds. That's what making the decision for you can do... something modern medicine couldn't. All you can really do is what you've done. That has been my experience at least. Anything more and you rapidly approach "nagging".
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My Husband has been chewing since he was a teenager, he quit last November 2010 than he started chewing again in July for no apparent reason (he kept it from me to that he was doing it again). The reason he quit Nov 2010 he originally told me was he wanted to be better for me and for us and being we were getting married in Sept 2011 he wanted to live a long, happy, healthy life with me. Well than in July when he finally admitted he was doing it again he said the real reason he quit was his mouth was to sore and that he didn't remember saying all that other. Anyway I am so bothered every day with him doing it. I told him I didn't want to see it, well he doesn't do a good job as it is in his teeth daily, he tells me he's not hiding it from me, and it is so hard for me as my dad passed from smoking related things and I'm watching my mother slowly die from emphysema, he knows this is why I'm so terrified I don't want to lose him prematurely, and when he wasn't doing it he was sensitive to this and understood and now he seems pompus (like whats going to happen to me). I just find myself hurt and mad. And I feel pissed at myself sometimes for even getting involved being my past two boyfriends each had smoking issues and constantly lied to me and now he promised me he would never lie to me or intentionally hurt me but he is, but I was dumb enough to get involved knowing he was a chewer so it's my own fault. I just find myself days wishing he would see how bad this hurts me as he has seen me cry over this pertaining to him and my own mothers failing health so many times that he would just decide he didn't want to do it any more. He is a good man this is his major issue. I just feel bitter and I just don't know what to do and how to not let it constantly affect me, and how to have it not change the way I feel about him. I just feel he doesn't care how I feel, or respect me that much when it comes to this. Any advice would be great. Thank so much. Sorry it got long!!!
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Unless he truly wants to quit there isn't much you can do but keep talking about it with him. Nagging him(not saying you are at all) about why you want him to quit never worked in my experience. Let him know your feelings and why you want him to stop.
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My Husband has been chewing since he was a teenager, he quit last November 2010 than he started chewing again in July for no apparent reason (he kept it from me to that he was doing it again). The reason he quit Nov 2010 he originally told me was he wanted to be better for me and for us and being we were getting married in Sept 2011 he wanted to live a long, happy, healthy life with me. Well than in July when he finally admitted he was doing it again he said the real reason he quit was his mouth was to sore and that he didn't remember saying all that other. Anyway I am so bothered every day with him doing it. I told him I didn't want to see it, well he doesn't do a good job as it is in his teeth daily, he tells me he's not hiding it from me, and it is so hard for me as my dad passed from smoking related things and I'm watching my mother slowly die from emphysema, he knows this is why I'm so terrified I don't want to lose him prematurely, and when he wasn't doing it he was sensitive to this and understood and now he seems pompus (like whats going to happen to me). I just find myself hurt and mad. And I feel pissed at myself sometimes for even getting involved being my past two boyfriends each had smoking issues and constantly lied to me and now he promised me he would never lie to me or intentionally hurt me but he is, but I was dumb enough to get involved knowing he was a chewer so it's my own fault. I just find myself days wishing he would see how bad this hurts me as he has seen me cry over this pertaining to him and my own mothers failing health so many times that he would just decide he didn't want to do it any more. He is a good man this is his major issue. I just feel bitter and I just don't know what to do and how to not let it constantly affect me, and how to have it not change the way I feel about him. I just feel he doesn't care how I feel, or respect me that much when it comes to this. Any advice would be great. Thank so much. Sorry it got long!!!
Good for you for reaching out and trying to help him, that support will really help him in the long run....
Here is the issue, he is an addict. We are all nicotine addicts here, not one of us is special we are addicted to a poison and we have to quit it one day at a time. Until HE can admit that he is an addict and until the day HE wants to quit there is not much you can do. An addict has to want it, he can't do it for others. I am living proof of that. I hid it from my wife for almost 12 years, yep you heard me, 12 years. I lied to her I snuck around, I did whatever it took to get my fix.... So unless he wants to quit you are kinda stuck with it, sorry.
One suggestion show him this site and encourage him to read some stuff on here. HOF speeches are good, but there is a ton of great information here that may help him see the light.
Good Luck, PM me if you have any questions.
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Bump for Baby K.
Congrats on getting married.
Wanted to bump this because a lot of people already touched upon this question.
Unfortunantly there is not much you can do to make him quit. Nicotine is an addiction that is very powerful. And he will not be able to quit until he wants too.
I am sorry, but I do not know how to make someone else want to quit. I still have a lot of friends that I see chew everyday. My only advice is to try to nudge him to check out this site and just to chat with a few quitters.
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Thank you, I understand that Nicotine is a addiction thankfully one I have never had. When he quit before I was very supportive and he tells me now he's not where he wants to be with it and he's dissapointed in himself but I think it's a bunch of BS by his attitude because he hasn't even attempted to quit again and he actually has started buying it, he won't admit it but I know he has and he is doing it all the time now even when he's with me but yet he lies to me about that to and I'm not dumb I can smell it. And like I tell him any time it comes up no one can change this except you (meaning him). I'm just tired of feeling the way I feel about it and it is affecting the way I feel toward him, because he's lying to me, he's insensitive and so seems unlike the man I know. I just resent him sometimes for this and I'm newly married and a little worried.
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What Luby said.
Most of us, at some point in time, have joined the Jedi Council of super secret squirrell ninja dippers. Why? We're addicts. All addicts are liars, and all addicts are under the influence of something, yet are led to believe that they are in control. That said, you can help all you want, you can threaten and withhold the poontang and everything, but until he admits the addiction, and wants to quit, he won't.
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Thank you, I understand that Nicotine is a addiction thankfully one I have never had. When he quit before I was very supportive and he tells me now he's not where he wants to be with it and he's dissapointed in himself but I think it's a bunch of BS by his attitude because he hasn't even attempted to quit again and he actually has started buying it, he won't admit it but I know he has and he is doing it all the time now even when he's with me but yet he lies to me about that to and I'm not dumb I can smell it. And like I tell him any time it comes up no one can change this except you (meaning him). I'm just tired of feeling the way I feel about it and it is affecting the way I feel toward him, because he's lying to me, he's insensitive and so seems unlike the man I know. I just resent him sometimes for this and I'm newly married and a little worried.
Baby,
You have married an addict. Addiction doesn't go away once the addict stops using. It can start up again at any time.
I myself stopped for over 3 years from 2006-2009. I started again because I thought that one wouldn't hurt me. I started bumming from my friends every time I saw them from there on out. I started purch
In April of 2010, my wife found some smokeless tobacco flakes on the ground by the trashcan. I had been hiding it from her until then, and she was very upset she had not seen it before.
I saw it as a chance to come clean and chew anytime I wanted.
She was upset at this even more because now she had to smell it and deal with it. It was not the easiest time.
In May of 2011, I started thinking about quitting again. I didn't talk to her about it. I went to Walmart and bought some Smokey Mountain Snuff (non-nicotine chew). I set it on my refrigerator. She saw it and was ecstatic I was quitting again. I said I wasn't ready just yet, and that the purchase was for later.
I quit at the end of June. I didn't tell her immediately. I didn't make a large fanfare about it. I simply did it and I told her on day 2.
She rolled her eyes at me.
She's now happy with my quit (unless I'm bitching about the drama here), but it took me almost a year and a half before I realized I wanted to quit again.
It's a process, and unfortunately you cannot be part of the decision making. Quitting means that he has to want it more than anything else in this world. Your support, our support, and the tools he uses to quit are ammunition in his quit, but ultimately he is the one pulling the trigger.
The only advice I can offer you other than that is that you are freshly married to an addict. It's common to have these feelings right away in marriage. He was an addict when you married him, and he'll be an addict until the day he dies. Don't hate him for this. Accept him and his flaws. It's OK to offer solutions to this addiction or be supportive, but it's not OK to expect him to be what he is not.
Communication with him is always the best solution in a marriage. Tell him what you liked about him when he wasn't using (breath, not having to clean up little flakes around the house, not having to watch him run to the "bathroom" after dinner just to throw one in, etc.). Tell him how much you love him, and that his addiction has turned him into a liar and driven a wedge between you two. Tell him why it bothers you so much. You may even want to consider writing it down so that you can edit it and make sure that your point is driven home.
If you think he is lying to you, simply investigate rather than assuming he is. If his breath smells like chew, ask him to show you his gums. If you find a can, set it out for him. Let him know that lying is unacceptable, but don't nag. He's not being honest with himself either. All of us thought we had pulled the wool over our loved one's eyes as well.
In the end, it's all his decision baby.
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My Husband has been chewing since he was a teenager, he quit last November 2010 than he started chewing again in July for no apparent reason (he kept it from me to that he was doing it again). The reason he quit Nov 2010 he originally told me was he wanted to be better for me and for us and being we were getting married in Sept 2011 he wanted to live a long, happy, healthy life with me. Well than in July when he finally admitted he was doing it again he said the real reason he quit was his mouth was to sore and that he didn't remember saying all that other. Anyway I am so bothered every day with him doing it. I told him I didn't want to see it, well he doesn't do a good job as it is in his teeth daily, he tells me he's not hiding it from me, and it is so hard for me as my dad passed from smoking related things and I'm watching my mother slowly die from emphysema, he knows this is why I'm so terrified I don't want to lose him prematurely, and when he wasn't doing it he was sensitive to this and understood and now he seems pompus (like whats going to happen to me). I just find myself hurt and mad. And I feel pissed at myself sometimes for even getting involved being my past two boyfriends each had smoking issues and constantly lied to me and now he promised me he would never lie to me or intentionally hurt me but he is, but I was dumb enough to get involved knowing he was a chewer so it's my own fault. I just find myself days wishing he would see how bad this hurts me as he has seen me cry over this pertaining to him and my own mothers failing health so many times that he would just decide he didn't want to do it any more. He is a good man this is his major issue. I just feel bitter and I just don't know what to do and how to not let it constantly affect me, and how to have it not change the way I feel about him. I just feel he doesn't care how I feel, or respect me that much when it comes to this. Any advice would be great. Thank so much. Sorry it got long!!!
Babyk please understand that his dipping is not about you. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Everyone is correct in pointing out that your husband is simply a drug addict. 20 years ago I promised my wife I'd quit. I have 2 kids in college and 1 in HS who don't know I dipped. But a friend of mine got terminal stomach cancer and I finally found the guts to take a stand against my addiction. I've been nic free for 84 days, one day at a time.
You cannot help him decide to quit. Matter-of-fact, the Nic bitch will make sure he chooses her over you almost every time. About all you can do is what Luby suggested = get him looking at this site. See if he'll read everything on here:
Additional Resources (http://www.killthecan.org/robs/)
and here: Cancer and Quitter Stories (http://www.killthecan.org/facts/cancerfacts.asp)
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thanks for the advice I really appreciate it. I understand he has to be the one to decide to quite. I just don't know how to make it any more clear to him that I don't want to have to see it. When we first met he decided he wouldn't do it when he was around me. Than he quit well when he started doing it again I made it very clear to him I DON"T want to see it, well at first he did very well, but when he comes home it is always in his teeth and it just bothers me. The last time it was brought up he told me he isn't trying to hide it from me, well I don't care I still don't want it thrown in my face. He may not have a can visbly at the house or in his truck which we never take anymore because he probaly has it hid in there. How do I handle the in the teeth situation, it is so gross and I just have a hard time even looking at him, it just so wrecks his pretty smile and teeth, thoughts??
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His teeth? 'bang head' I'd be more worried about his health than how icky his teeth look. These guys are all right. He is an addict. If he is given too hard of a time, not saying you do, he will go under cover black belt ninja on your ass. This is great if you don't want to see icky teeth, but the real problem still exists, he is still killing himself. The real answer is that he has to want to quit. Until that happens, nothing will stick. You can't make him quit, but you can give him a little nudge in the right direction. Have him check out the site, sign up and into chat. It's always more powerful when an addict is told that they need to quit by another addict.
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thanks for the advice I really appreciate it. I understand he has to be the one to decide to quite. I just don't know how to make it any more clear to him that I don't want to have to see it. When we first met he decided he wouldn't do it when he was around me. Than he quit well when he started doing it again I made it very clear to him I DON"T want to see it, well at first he did very well, but when he comes home it is always in his teeth and it just bothers me. The last time it was brought up he told me he isn't trying to hide it from me, well I don't care I still don't want it thrown in my face. He may not have a can visbly at the house or in his truck which we never take anymore because he probaly has it hid in there. How do I handle the in the teeth situation, it is so gross and I just have a hard time even looking at him, it just so wrecks his pretty smile and teeth, thoughts??
It doesn't matter what you do, babyk. If you're saying that your commitment to your husband is dependent on whether or not he quits, then you might as well hang up your garter and call it a day. Pick up your ball and go home. Your husband is an addict. When he decides to quit, we can help him right here. Until then, I'd suggest you either accept him as he is or hit the road and find a more perfect mate...(*sarcasm). Perfection doesn't exist.
Sorry that my words come across as harsh and direct as they do, but its the God's honest truth. Might as well hear them now rather than later. ;)
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To be blunt, he is an addict that is putting his addiction before anything else in his life.
You can't do anything to change him but I can promise that pushing him to quit will likely only make him hide it better.
I honestly suggest not pressuring him to quit and taking the attitude that doesn't scorn him about it as the addict brain will tell him to go dip every time he is stressed.
Ultimately you have no say over the matter. When I finally quit my wife was begging me not too because she remembers all the times I tried to quit before... but those times I tried to quit for her and not for me. Which made me extremely terrible to deal with because I blamed her for me having to go through it.
This time I quit for me, that is why I am here 280 days later.
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Get his ass on the board. Tell him we have "super porn thursdays" or something to get him on here. Let us work our magic.
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Get his ass on the board. Tell him we have "super porn thursdays" or something to get him on here. Let us work our magic.
I love super porn Thursdays...almost as much as taco Wednesdays.
babyk, you can't make him quit. If you do he will fail. Has to be all him wanting to do it. When that time comes it will work and we will still be here ready to help.
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thanks for the advice I really appreciate it. I understand he has to be the one to decide to quite. I just don't know how to make it any more clear to him that I don't want to have to see it. When we first met he decided he wouldn't do it when he was around me. Than he quit well when he started doing it again I made it very clear to him I DON"T want to see it, well at first he did very well, but when he comes home it is always in his teeth and it just bothers me. The last time it was brought up he told me he isn't trying to hide it from me, well I don't care I still don't want it thrown in my face. He may not have a can visbly at the house or in his truck which we never take anymore because he probaly has it hid in there. How do I handle the in the teeth situation, it is so gross and I just have a hard time even looking at him, it just so wrecks his pretty smile and teeth, thoughts??
these guys are rite. you cant make a adict quit.
but you also say you dont wanna see it. neether did my wife. if she ever saw a can you no what she did? she flushed it. and never told me bout it til after i quit. you wanna screw with a dipper thats what you do. so he nos you dont wanna see it? i think that gives you evry rite to flush any you do see. how hard you go lookin for it is up to you.
as for the teeth. well just dont be kissin him when hes all gross and stuff.
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Hi Baby,
I can sympathize with you. Totally. I am the fiancee of Pokerleader. When I met him a year and a half ago, he was a dipper of 29 years. For some strange reason, I accepted him even though he chewed. I hated it. I hated the smell. I hated the taste when I kissed him. I hated it in his teeth. I hated that he was killing himself. However, I still started dating him, knowing he was a dipper. He always said "Someday I will quit". I never believed it, but I also never asked him to quit or begged him, or nagged him. I was like you, I thought he would quit just because I wanted him too. I thought if I talked sweet to him (or whatever) that he would quit because he loved me so much. So I searched on the internet for ways to quit chewing so I could make him stop! I stumbled upon this website on Tuesday, Sept. 27. I read tons, then texted him and told him about this site. He read the Tom Kerns story, looked at the pictures, and then he threw out his chew at 12:30pm that day. He is on his 59th day quit today. BUT, not because I wanted him to be. HE decided that September 27th was the day. I do take credit for finding the site, but the rest is all him. The only thing you can do is support him. He has to decide. Unfortunately. Point him to this site. If after reading everything here and looking at the pics, and if he still decides to dip, there is nothing you can do. He is an addict. I grew up with a father who was addicted to alcohol. My mom almost left him several times, but learned through Al-Anon that my dad was sick. He had an addiction. She wouldnt leave him if he had cancer, so she couldnt leave him if he was addicted to alcohol. Today he is 21 years sober.
All to say Baby, he has to choose. The only thing you can do is encourage him to be the best man he can be. He knows the risks. He knows about your mom. He knows all that. He is an addict. Love him. Encourage him. Lead him to this site. The rest is on him. My name is Kelly, PM me is you ever want to chat :)
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Hi Baby,
I can sympathize with you. Totally. I am the fiancee of Pokerleader. When I met him a year and a half ago, he was a dipper of 29 years. For some strange reason, I accepted him even though he chewed. I hated it. I hated the smell. I hated the taste when I kissed him. I hated it in his teeth. I hated that he was killing himself. However, I still started dating him, knowing he was a dipper. He always said "Someday I will quit". I never believed it, but I also never asked him to quit or begged him, or nagged him. I was like you, I thought he would quit just because I wanted him too. I thought if I talked sweet to him (or whatever) that he would quit because he loved me so much. So I searched on the internet for ways to quit chewing so I could make him stop! I stumbled upon this website on Tuesday, Sept. 27. I read tons, then texted him and told him about this site. He read the Tom Kerns story, looked at the pictures, and then he threw out his chew at 12:30pm that day. He is on his 59th day quit today. BUT, not because I wanted him to be. HE decided that September 27th was the day. I do take credit for finding the site, but the rest is all him. The only thing you can do is support him. He has to decide. Unfortunately. Point him to this site. If after reading everything here and looking at the pics, and if he still decides to dip, there is nothing you can do. He is an addict. I grew up with a father who was addicted to alcohol. My mom almost left him several times, but learned through Al-Anon that my dad was sick. He had an addiction. She wouldnt leave him if he had cancer, so she couldnt leave him if he was addicted to alcohol. Today he is 21 years sober.
All to say Baby, he has to choose. The only thing you can do is encourage him to be the best man he can be. He knows the risks. He knows about your mom. He knows all that. He is an addict. Love him. Encourage him. Lead him to this site. The rest is on him. My name is Kelly, PM me is you ever want to chat :)
Well done again Cheerleader!
Hey Mods, could you please capture this in Words of Wisdom for future referral? Thanks!
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Thanks everybody I really appreciate all the advice it has been so helpful. I am just going to let it ride and see what happens, it isn't always easy but I know he has to do this himself. This site is so great and you guys are such a big help. Like I mentioned he is a very good man and I will support him and be there for him just like I am for anything else. Thanks again everybody!!
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So I want to chime in here for a second. Up until recently I wanted to quit but I didn't think I could deal with it...my wife would always say "When are you going to quit?" "Don't you care about me?" and that isn't the situation. We know that what we are doing is bad for us and for our loved ones but the addiction rules our life. My wife and I began to discuss having another baby, we have two daughters currently, 3 and 1 and I am against having another one. The reason I am against it is my wife has had two tough pregnancies, our first daughter was born 10 weeks premature and I nearly lost both my daughter and my wife. The second pregnancy was a little easier but my wife was still on bed rest at the 30 week point and although she went full term it was stressful. I consider myself very lucky for having two completely healthy girls with zero health issues considering the way they came into the world and I am not willing to chance it again. I told my wife this and she said that is how she feels about me and tobacco, she didn't nag or say anything else, she just said it as a fact and it freaked me out. She directly related it to something I feared and that made it real and made me realize I have to quit immediately. So that is what I did, and it has never been easier, i am on day 10 and I wouldn't even think of going back to it again. It isn't easy but I don't want to let my family down, in my house or here on this board. Try and make him understand and relate to his fear or at least direct him here so we can try. Good Luck!
meares78 - day 10 of finally being free
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Hi All,
If you look from my last posts you know my husband quit chewing Nov 2010 and than started again July 2011 (I think). I have been doing very good after my last post from all of you saying just don't be on him about it.
He tells me I'm not trying to or going to hide from you but then he will deny the fact that he is doing it when he is here at home but I'm not stupid I can smell it on him and also I know he is hiding it when we take his truck. But the reason for me wanting some advice is I know he isn't ready to even think of quiting. So how do I deal with the fact that one I do my best every day to take care of him (prepare healthy meals for him at home and for him to take to work) and than I have to wrestle with the fact that he turns right around and harms himself on a daily basis, which could shorten his time with me. And second I hate seeing it on him when he comes home daily it is in his nice teeth and on his lips and I just don't even want to be near him. I can be so happy to see him and then I see it on him and it just wrecks it, and he will be like what's wrong and I just continually say nothing and try get over but it has changed things for me. I guess I just hold some resentment toward him with this because he lied to me of why he was orginally quitting he said he wanted to be better for us and be around for me, and than this summer when I found out he was doing it again he told me the real reason for him quitting back then was only because his mouth was hurting him to bad, it had nothing to do with us or me, so I was deeply hurt and am so ticked off instantly every time I see it. I was so proud of him for making that decision on his own and than he went and took that away and now every time we get together with our families be it mine or his it becomes a big joke because each side has to offer or through the comment about it like to poke fun or make a jab because they know it will get to me and hurt me, I'll appreciate any of your thoughts.
Thanks in advance!!
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Your husband is addicted to Nicotine, he has to admit that. Nothing you can do or say will make any difference.
He has to WANT to stop.
He has to be willing to FIGHT to stop.
He has to want to QUIT more than anything else!!
When those statements are true, he will quit. Until then all you can do is talk to him and let him know how you feel. Not saying that will make any difference but it may giet him thinking again. I will put some information in here about our little drug of choice. Maybe it will help you understand his thought process a little.
Greg
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For years, the tobacco industry has known of the health consequences of
tobacco and its addictive component, nicotine. In 1954, tobacco researchers commented,
“It’s fortunate for us that tobacco is a habit consumers can’t break.”
In 1964,an internal British American Tobacco document discussed the issue of nicotine and
addiction, “There seems no doubt that the ‘kick’ of tobacco is due to the concentration
of nicotine in the bloodstream which it achieves, and this is a product
of the quantity of nicotine in the tobacco and the speed of transfer of that nicotine
into the bloodstream.”
In 1969, a Philip Morris researcher bluntly stated, “We have, then, as our first premise, that the primary motivation for tobacco use is to obtain the pharmacological effect of nicotine.” Philip Morris researchers
also concluded: “The cigarette should be conceived not as a product but as a package. The
product is nicotine. The cigarette is but one of many package layers. There
is the carton, which contains the pack, which contains the cigarette, which
contains the smoke. The smoker must strip off all these package layers to get
to that which he seeks Â… Think of a cigarette pack as a storage container for
a dayÂ’s supply of nicotine Â… Think of a cigarette as a dispenser for a dose
unit of nicotine … Think of a puff of smoke as the vehicle of nicotine …”
For Big Tobacco, failure to win the debate over regulating nicotine in tobacco
threatened its existence as an industry. In a 1972 internal memorandum the director
of research for R.J. Reynolds wrote, “If, as proposed above, nicotine is the sine qua non of tobacco use, and if we meekly accept the allegations of our critics and move toward reduction or
elimination of nicotine from our products, then we shall eventually liquidate
our business. If we intend to remain in business and our business is
the manufacture and sale of dosage forms of nicotine, then at some point
we must make a stand.”
For Big Tobacco researchers, the evidence of the addictiveness of nicotine kept
piling up. In a 1983 internal Brown Williamson memorandum, the message was
clear “Nicotine is the addicting agent in tobacco.”
On April 14, 1994, the CEOs of the seven leading tobacco companies testified
under oath in a hearing held by the U.S. Congress House of Representatives
Committee on Energy and Commerce, Subcommittee on Health and the
Environment. Despite extensive internal research on the issue of nicotine and addiction,
Big TobaccoÂ’s executives testified that they believed that nicotine was not
addictive. Below is the transcript of the relevant exchange on that issue:
Rep. Ron Wyden (D-OR): Thank you, Mr. Chairman Â… Let me begin my questioning
on the matter of whether or not nicotine is addictive. Let me ask you first,
and IÂ’d like to just go down the row, whether each of you believes that nicotine is
not addictive. I heard virtually all of you touch on it. Just yes or no. Do you believe
nicotine is not addictive?
Mr. Campbell (President and CEO, Philip Morris, USA): I believe nicotine is not
addictive, yes.
Rep. Wyden: Mr. Johnston?
Mr. Johnston (Chairman and CEO, RJR Tobacco Co.): Congressman, cigarettes
and nicotine clearly do not meet the classic definitions of addiction. There is no
intoxication.
Rep. Wyden: We’ll take that as a no and, again, time is short. If you can just — I
think each of you believe nicotine is not addictive. We just would like to have this
for the record.
Mr. Taddeo (President, US Tobacco Co.): I donÂ’t believe that nicotine or our products
are addictive.
Mr. Horrigan (Chairman and CEO, Liggett Group): I believe nicotine is not
addictive.
Mr. Tisch (Chairman and CEO, Lorillard Tobacco Co.): I believe that nicotine is
not addictive.
Mr. Sandefur (Chairman and CEO, Brown Williamson Tobacco Corp.): I
believe that nicotine is not addictive.
Mr. Donald Johnston (President and CEO, American Tobacco Co.): And I, too,
believe that nicotine is not addictive.
As pressure in the U.S. has increased to curb its marketing to children, Big
Tobacco has focused more of its advertising in developing nations. A World Health
Organization (WHO)-Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) study
found that 11 percent of children in Latin America and the Caribbean were offered
tobacco by company representatives in 1999 and 2000. In Russia, nearly 17
percent said they were given free tobacco products. In Jordan, it was a whopping 25 percent!
These efforts are found all over the world. According to Vera da Costa e Silva,
director of the WHOÂ’s tobacco program, Big Tobacco is making a big move to hook
children outside of the United States:
“This is the right time for the tobacco industry to seduce children overseas.
They are looking to increase the number of users in developing countries
and elsewhere abroad because in the United States they are losing their market shares.
Tobacco kills an estimated four million people around the globe each year.
Because of growing international sales, experts believe that by the year 2020, one in
three adult deaths in the world will be caused by smoking and other tobacco use.
And these experts believe that by the year 2030, over ten million deaths worldwide
will be caused each year by tobacco use. Tobacco is expected to be the leading cause
of death worldwide in less than thirty years; 70 percent of these deaths will occur in
developing countries.
Other global practices by Big Tobacco have come under fire:
• 520,000 children work on tobacco farms in Brazil, and a third of them
are under the age of 14 years old.
• Children in southern Brazil are removed from classes before the end of
the school year to help with the harvest the tobacco crop.
• The average monthly income for a tobacco-growing family in Brazil is
334 Reals, the equivalent of $137.
Understand that to Big tobacco you are nothing more than “a percentage of market share” the pain and suffering of you and your lost family members means nothing to these death dealers. They have knowingly marketed and produced a product that when used as directed will result in early death for the people who use it. If you ever think you miss this shit, read some of the tactics they have used over the years and it should help keep you quit. As I have said before, I will set my money on fire before I ever give these people one cent of it.
NEVER AGAIN
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Nicotine is Highly Addictive
The nicotine in tobacco moves into the bloodstream and up to the users brain within 7 to 10 seconds. Once there, nicotine triggers a number of chemical reactions that create temporary feelings of pleasure for the user, but these sensations are short-lived, subsiding within minutes. As the nicotine level drops in the blood, users feel edgy and agitated -- the start of nicotine withdrawal. So, in order to relieve the discomforts, addicts feed there addictions...and then again..and again. And so it goes -- the vicious cycle of nicotine addiction. One cigarette, one dip, one chew is never enough, a fact that every addict knows all too well.
In order to quit successfully for the long term, it helps to understand the nature of nicotine addiction and what it takes to break free of it. In fact, users are often surprised to learn that they are addicted to a substance in the first place. Many of us believed that smoking, dipping, chewing was just a bad habit; something we could stop easily when we decided it was time. Sound Familiar ?
Let's take a look at how nicotine affects brain chemistry and begin the educational process that will help us battle this addiction to the ground, once and for all.
Nicotine and Adrenaline
When a person receives nicotine, the nicotine is rapidly absorbed into the blood and starts affecting the brain within 10 seconds. Nicotine is a natural herbicide, your body knows it should not be there and the result is the release of adrenaline, the "fight or flight" hormone. Physically, adrenaline increases a person's heart rate, blood pressure and restricts blood flow to the heart muscle. When this occurs, the user experiences rapid, shallow breathing and the feeling of a racing heartbeat. Adrenaline also instructs the body to dump excess glucose into the bloodstream.
Nicotine and Insulin
Nicotine also inhibits the release of insulin from the pancreas, a hormone that is responsible for removing excess sugar from a person's blood. This leaves the user in a slightly hyperglycemic condition, meaning he/she has more sugar in his blood than is normal. High blood sugar acts as an appetite suppressant, which may be why users think their habits reduce hunger.
Nicotine and Dopamine
Nicotine activates the same reward pathways in the brain that other drugs of abuse such as cocaine or amphetamines do, although to a lesser degree. Research has shown that nicotine increases the level of dopamine in the brain, a neurotransmitter that is responsible for feelings of pleasure and well-being. The acute effects of nicotine wear off within minutes, so people must continue dosing themselves frequently throughout the day to maintain the pleasurable effects of nicotine and to prevent withdrawal symptoms.
Recovery from nicotine addiction is a process of gradual release over time.
It doesn't happen overnight, but with perseverance, freedom from nicotine addiction is doable, and will pay you back with benefits that go well beyond what you can probably imagine. Don't offer up another day of your precious life to tobacco - stop today.
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The Real You
Try to remember if you can, what it was like being you? Not the chemically dependant you, the REAL you. What was it like to function every morning without nicotine? To finish a meal, travel, talk on the phone, have a disagreement, start a project or take a break without putting nicotine into your body? What was it like before nicotine took control? What was it like residing inside a mind that did not crave for nicotine? Can you remember? For most of us our addiction has controlled us so long we cannot remember the “real” us.
One of the most terrifying aspects of drug addiction is just how quickly nearly all remaining memory of life without the external chemical are buried by high definition dopamine induced memories generated by using it. It's a common thread among all drug addicts. And make no mistakes, you too are an addict.
Slaves to the world of "nicotine normal," we were each provided a new identity. The nicotine dependant, addict. Captive brain dopamine pathways did their designed job and did it well. They left us convinced that our next nicotine fix was central to survival, as important as drinking water or eating food. How many of you passed up food to buy a can? How many times did you skip time with family to feed your addiction ?
Why do we fear quitting? Although the word "quitting" has to be a part of the fabric of successful nicotine cessation, such thinking can unconsciously tease and play upon old nicotine use memories, making us feel as though we've left something of tremendous value behind. If allowed, it can tease and inflame false fears, fears born of nicotine urge and replenishment memories, strong vivid memories whose purpose were to convince us that nicotine is vital to survival, memories that should never have been present in the first place, memories only made possible because a poison substance entered the brain and was able to disrupt your normal thought processes.
When you think about "quitting" I hope you stop and realize when the real "quitting" took place. You quit being you the first moment nicotine entered your bloodstream. Quitting nicotine is about recognizing and embracing the truth but be prepared; learning that for years we were fooled ourselves and lived a lie can invoke a host of emotions including depression, apathy, confusion and anger. Start your journey with baby steps, patience, honesty and you too will soon be entirely comfortable again engaging all aspects of life without nicotine. Contrary to deeply held beliefs that were pounded into your brain by an endless cycle of urges and rewards, and lies pumped into you by Big Tobacco, you are leaving absolutely nothing of value behind.
Is there really anything to fear? Why be afraid of returning to a calm and quiet place where you no longer crave a chemical that today, every day for as long as you can remember you cannot seem to get off your mind, a chemical that is a mandatory part of every day's plan? Is freedom of thought and action a good thing or bad? If good, then why fear life without a chemical that is controlling you? A chemical that is killing you.
How wonderful would it be to again live inside an undisturbed, non-poisoned mind where addiction chatter gradually becomes infrequent, then rare? Again, I ask you, "What was it like being you?"
Why fear coming home?
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Thank you all so much for the words of advice, I really apperciate it!!
Babyk77
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Pull out some women-jedi-mind-trick-mind-fuck-guilt trip- games with him to get him to consider quitting.
Or withhold sex...wait, that might be bad for you too. Nevermind.
Just make damn sure he knows every time he finger fucks that can that he is hurting himself AND you. Whatever way that is, i cant tell you. P{robably different for everyone.
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Hi everyone,
Haven't posted in awhile, yes now married and husband is still chewing I have listened to all the advice giving to me on this board and just stopped talking about it. Come to understand that he has to quit. Fast forward to this week. I get a phone call from my MIL pertaining to getting him life insurance and I said well that is going to be expensive considering the chewing, and she said and I quote well being it costs so much he will quit and I said well good luck with that he has known how bad it hurts and bothers me that he does it and has continued doing it to which the reply was made, yes well money is important to _______ so he will quit, I was so offended but more hurt, I thought ok and who am I?
Well than last night he says to me I am really bugged about this chewing thing and I said oh yeah how so? (Mind you this man has never brought up wanting to quit since I found out he was doing it again). But now since being pushed or rather told he has to quit, now he is thinking and telling me he has been wanting to quit for some time (for us), but if he does it now it will seem like he is doing it for the money, (to save money for insurance purposes). I just think that is exactly what it is for it has nothing to do with us. We have been down that road the first time he quit when he said he did it for me and us, than told me he lied, see earlier posts.
I mean either way I would be happy if he quits, I don't want him doing it.... But I can't help but feel bothered that it was so much easier to do it now because he was told by his mom but more so because of $$$$, and my feelings and thoughts just meant nothing to him all this time again I will as and than who am I? Am I looking at this wrong? Any advice would be great. Thanks in advance!!!
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Hi everyone,
Haven't posted in awhile, yes now married and husband is still chewing I have listened to all the advice giving to me on this board and just stopped talking about it. Come to understand that he has to quit. Fast forward to this week. I get a phone call from my MIL pertaining to getting him life insurance and I said well that is going to be expensive considering the chewing, and she said and I quote well being it costs so much he will quit and I said well good luck with that he has known how bad it hurts and bothers me that he does it and has continued doing it to which the reply was made, yes well money is important to _______ so he will quit, I was so offended but more hurt, I thought ok and who am I?
Well than last night he says to me I am really bugged about this chewing thing and I said oh yeah how so? (Mind you this man has never brought up wanting to quit since I found out he was doing it again). But now since being pushed or rather told he has to quit, now he is thinking and telling me he has been wanting to quit for some time (for us), but if he does it now it will seem like he is doing it for the money, (to save money for insurance purposes). I just think that is exactly what it is for it has nothing to do with us. We have been down that road the first time he quit when he said he did it for me and us, than told me he lied, see earlier posts.
I mean either way I would be happy if he quits, I don't want him doing it.... But I can't help but feel bothered that it was so much easier to do it now because he was told by his mom but more so because of $$$$, and my feelings and thoughts just meant nothing to him all this time again I will as and than who am I? Am I looking at this wrong? Any advice would be great. Thanks in advance!!!
babyk - your concerns about the quit not being solely for his own health are well based as if he does not want it deep down, and I hate to say, but one the lower rate is gotten there is nothing to ensure he won't go back to the nic lady.
I would suggest if he has the time, to jump into the Live Chat at some point in the evenings and talk live to a few of us in there. It is not that we can 'force' him to start to alter his thinking, but maybe something will spur him to think more on his own to look deep and come to the conclusion that quitting will be the best decision he can make.
There is also tons of stories and information on the site here that he can read up on.
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Hi everyone,
Haven't posted in awhile, yes now married and husband is still chewing I have listened to all the advice giving to me on this board and just stopped talking about it. Come to understand that he has to quit. Fast forward to this week. I get a phone call from my MIL pertaining to getting him life insurance and I said well that is going to be expensive considering the chewing, and she said and I quote well being it costs so much he will quit and I said well good luck with that he has known how bad it hurts and bothers me that he does it and has continued doing it to which the reply was made, yes well money is important to _______ so he will quit, I was so offended but more hurt, I thought ok and who am I?
Well than last night he says to me I am really bugged about this chewing thing and I said oh yeah how so? (Mind you this man has never brought up wanting to quit since I found out he was doing it again). But now since being pushed or rather told he has to quit, now he is thinking and telling me he has been wanting to quit for some time (for us), but if he does it now it will seem like he is doing it for the money, (to save money for insurance purposes). I just think that is exactly what it is for it has nothing to do with us. We have been down that road the first time he quit when he said he did it for me and us, than told me he lied, see earlier posts.
I mean either way I would be happy if he quits, I don't want him doing it.... But I can't help but feel bothered that it was so much easier to do it now because he was told by his mom but more so because of $$$$, and my feelings and thoughts just meant nothing to him all this time again I will as and than who am I? Am I looking at this wrong? Any advice would be great. Thanks in advance!!!
How about you quit being so self-centered. It ain't about you baby. Never was. Never will be. Hubby is a nicotine drug addict and frankly whatever motivates him to quit is a good thing. Don't fuck it up by trying to make it about you and annoying him into sticking with chew.
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So did you cave?
If he quits for you or for insurance it won't last!!!
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How does the saying go, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. My wife and kids nagged me constantly to quit, but until I decided on my own that I was sick of lying to myself, and killing myself dip by dip, there was no stopping me.
Try encouraging him while he quits for insurance, and helping him any way you can, definitely don't nag.
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It shouldn't matter what the reason is, a quit is a quit, he should really quit for himself and his health, to get rid of the slavery to the can, not for you nor his mommy. When times get tough he needs to quit for himself. Be there to support him, don't be selfish about why he's quitting.
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People are motivated by many issues, not the least of which is money. Family will almost always accept you for who you are regardless of THEIR wants and goals for you. I say, if the money saving starts his quit, take it and run with it. He is going to need you for the encouragement and support after the fact. The payback you get down the line as a result of your support will be well worth it.
Bottom line is, "Do you want him quit or not?" If the answer is yes, should the motivation matter?
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rite bout now this otta be soundin like a broke record. and by that i mean its gonna sound just like them other 3 threds you got.
you aint gonna make him quit. naggin or bitchin aint gonna do no good.
hes gotta disside that on his own.
and as mean as he sounds my buddy notdeadyet is spot on. him quittiins got nothin to do with you. and evry time it was gess what? it failed.
and gess what else. my wife dint like it neether. and i quit cuz a insurinse to. but it was my helth insurinse. and cuz they said they'd back charge me to day 1 a the discount if they did a test and cot me with nick. im a cheep basterd. and man when i dint spend like $10 a week on dip that was a bonis.
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I mean either way I would be happy if he quits, I don't want him doing it.... But I can't help but feel bothered that it was so much easier to do it now because he was told by his mom but more so because of $$$$, and my feelings and thoughts just meant nothing to him all this time again I will as and than who am I? Am I looking at this wrong? Any advice would be great. Thanks in advance!!!
Why don't you start by getting over yourself? Way to make it about you and your feelings. Just be glad there is a reason good enough now to get the result you have longed for and move on.
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Now that my wife knows I'm quit, she understands the whole "it had to be for me and my reasons" concept. I'd disappointed her at every juncture. I was supposed to quit after bar exam, before marriage, after we were married, before we decided to have kids, before kid was born, after kid was born. I was "supposed" to quit. I didn't "want" to quit. When it comes to addiction, there's no team who can make the decision, only an "I." Only after that decision has been made can the team offer help and support.
Your husband needs to be here. Unfortunately, you can't control that decision either.
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thanks for the replies. I don't want it to be for me. I want him to do it for him and hopefully if he does actually decide to take the step and give it another try to quit this time he can do it for him. I never even talk to him about it anymore he was the one that brought it up. I know the only way he will stop is for him. But I apperciate all the advice!!!