KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: captnncoke13 on July 13, 2010, 02:59:00 PM
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As the description states, I am starting this thread to introduce myself to whomever wants to know more and to serve as my page so that I can store some shit I want to keep handy. If you don't like what you read here or find it boring then you can just leave without comment. Remember, I didnÂ’t do this for your entertainment value nor did I ask you to click on my page. Just go back to where you came from and letÂ’s keep it movinÂ’. With that said, if you have some constructive comments or advice or motivational quotes or links to share then, by all means, please do so.
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As the description states, I am starting this thread to introduce myself to whomever wants to know more and to serve as my page so that I can store some shit I want to keep handy. If you don't like what you read here or find it boring then you can just leave without comment. Remember, I didnÂ’t do this for your entertainment value nor did I ask you to click on my page. Just go back to where you came from and letÂ’s keep it movinÂ’. With that said, if you have some constructive comments or advice or motivational quotes or links to share then, by all means, please do so.
here's a comment. don't be a dick.
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As the description states, I am starting this thread to introduce myself to whomever wants to know more and to serve as my page so that I can store some shit I want to keep handy. If you don't like what you read here or find it boring then you can just leave without comment. Remember, I didn’t do this for your entertainment value nor did I ask you to click on my page. Just go back to where you came from and let’s keep it movin’. With that said, if you have some constructive comments or advice or motivational quotes or links to share then, by all means, please do so.
here's a comment. don't be a dick.
Yup, exactly the type of shit I can do without on this page. Wasn't being a dick. Just asking...nevermind. Thanks for stopping by.
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Fuck like a caveman.
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Wait a minute; you have 57 posts? Where are they?
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Fuck like a caveman.
CC, definitely fuck like a caveman. I concur 100%
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So lets get with the introduction here already.
How bout some stats?
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My name is Chuck and I am a nicotine gutter junkie. Surprisingly it took me over 15 years to be able to admit that. The inability to come to terms with this simply fact has been the root cause of failure for previous quits - that and me being too weak to not give in.
I started using in high school. A couple of my hockey teammates always dipped so I tried it, but only a handful of times since each time I did I thought I was going to throw up. Looking back that should have been a huge warning sign to run the other way, but my dumb ass didn't. Then I went to college and with more free time and freedom I began using more but nothing that I would call regular. I don't remember buying tins very often. I usually just bummed it off friends when we were drinking. My family hit some tough time economically and I had to leave school to go to work. After about a year or so I began attending a school near my house. It was during this time that I think (kind of foggy all these years later) I began regular usage and my addiction. And although IÂ’ve stopped chewing a couple of times for a couple weeks or even a month I was never successful in quitting.
While I was dating my wife I hid it from her. Well, she caught me one night and said it was either her or the chew. So I stopped for a couple days and then went back to it just being more careful not to get caught. I’ve been hiding it from her for something over 7 years. Not sure how I was able to do it for that long without getting caught, but I’ve been lying to the woman I love for most of the time we’ve been together. We have a 2 and ½ y/o daughter who is one of the best kids I’ve ever met (yeah I know I’m her dad, but I’d be saying this even if she wasn’t). And still I couldn’t commit to quit. The last couple of months my cheeks and gums were getting sore more often and staying sore for longer.
Then on Sunday night June 27 2010 as I laid in bed feeling the inside of my sore cheeks with my tongue I decided that the dip I just finished would be my last. I prayed to God to do what he could to see that I quit in time to not get the Big C. We’re all gonna die. I finally made the choice to not have my weakness play a role in my demise any longer. I just hope that I quit in time, but that remains to be seen. I quit for me because I didn’t want my little girl to know what life was like without her daddy. I didn’t want her to have to go through the pain of understanding what death meant. I didn’t want my wife to have to struggle with the question “Mommy, where’s daddy and when’s he coming back.” I quit for me so that I can witness each of her milestones in living color. I didn’t want to burden my wife with being a single parent. I decided to finally be a real man and take control of my life back.
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Getting your head wrapped around the fact that you are an addict is a big hurdle.
Congrats, you are off to one hell of a good start.
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So, here I am on Day 16. It has been the best decision IÂ’ve ever made. IÂ’m only at this point in large part to this site and the members both newbies and vets. IÂ’ve bought into posting roll and what it signifies and it has gotten me through some rough times that in the past would have seen my quit some to an end.
The other night, me and the wife (been married for almost 6 years) got into a rather large dust up over the most stupid shit ever. Anyway, she said some totally uncalled for shit. Shit in the past that would have had me in my truck going to “buy a soda” – what I told her I was doing while going to either buy a tin or have a chew or both. This lie is another part of the 7-year cover-up. Instead, I told her where she could go and how to get there and retreated to my man cave, throw in a huge chew of fake stuff and read the site. I was proud of myself for not giving in like I have some many times before. I’m doing this for me so that I don’t miss out on the finer parts of life with my family. No matter what she says when she’s pissed, she is still the 2nd best thing that has happened to me behind my daughter and all she has to do is give me that little girls smile for me to forget why I was so pissed at her in the first place.
Thank you KTC and all my quit brothers and sisters for helping me get this far. One day at a time, together, weÂ’ll get to where we want to be.
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Links to remind us why we're quit:
http://www.killthecan.org/facts/jennykern.asp (http://www.killthecan.org/facts/jennykern.asp)
http://www.caringbridge.org/mn/tomkern/ (http://www.caringbridge.org/mn/tomkern/)
This could just as easily be my daughter.
Happy Father's Day Dad!!! I love you!
- Sunday, June 20, 2010 9:31 PM CDT
Happy Birthday DAD!!! Can you believe that Alexa graduated yesterday?! Love you and miss you.
- Monday, June 7, 2010 7:36 AM CDT
Hey Dad! Just wanted to drop in and say hi. There is not a day that goes by when I don't miss you. I wish more than anything I could just have one last bear hug from you (yours were ALWAYS the best)! I would do anything just to have another day with you. I know you are in a better place, but it hurt so much not having you here with me. I love you dad!
- Friday, April 9, 2010 1:17 PM CDT
Hey Dad- Merry Christmas!!! I know this is your favorite time of year and we are all missing you so much over the holidays. Ryan, Kenra, and I went out and got a real tree agian this year...It makes me think of you every time I look at it! I miss you and love you so much wishing you could be here every day with us!!!
Merry Christmas Daddy!!!
- Friday, December 25, 2009 8:24 PM CST
Happy Father's Day dad!! I love you and miss you so much. You would have been so proud of Connor today he pitched a good game, and Tori has a good tournament yesterday too, but I know you were there in spirit! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Sunday, June 21, 2009 8:29 PM CDT
Read this every time your craving. Sign it and hand it to your family if you decide that quitting is too hard.
http://www.killthecan.org/facts/contract.asp (http://www.killthecan.org/facts/contract.asp)
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Posted by Skoal Monster 08/07/09
Cavers,
In ancient times a builder could form a stone arch with no mortar by slowly rounding the stones in at the top. Its success was dependent upon a single stone set at the 12:00 posistion, called the keystone YOU are that keystone. When you selfishly choose to cave you rip the keystone from the arch and cause it to collapse.We are part of the arch. Your failure harms those that support you.
I want to scream at you for giving up and shaking the foundation of the solid quits around you. You are a virus that infects the minds of your brother and sister quitters. If you can casually fail and restart, why can't I ???? The addicts voice leaks into my head because you opened a crack in the door. I want to rage against you for chipping away at the strength in the quits around you. I hope you come back and fight again to free yourself from the chains of this addiction, but I cannot forget your weakness. I will struggle to support you further because you have torn apart the bond of accountability and endangered us all.
For those that read this and are quit,
I implore you to not just rage against the cavers in our midst, but to strengthen your own quits. EVERY DAY you must increase your own accountibility. Some of us create accountibility by dishing out massive attacks on the weaknesses of others. How could I possibly cave when I have referred to so many failures as weaklings and cowards and worse, I would be crucified. Those that I have cut with merciless truth and anger wait for me should I fail. My E-mail and Phone number are for all including those who would take pleasure in returning to me some tough love. Everyone must know I quit and everyone must be in a posistion to tell me how my failure affects them. I cannot fail because I have woven a web of accountibility around myself. I provide support each day as best I can, often with a PM or text other times in the forum or chat. I know there are quitters who I am a keystone for. I cannont fail because I would harm their quits. I carry but a few numbers in my phone but have offered and given mine out always . This makes me accountable to support those people. If I caved and they have my number and call me for support, how could I possibly help them? I cannot cave because I care about these strangers, and I refuse to endanger their freedom from nicotine thru my own weakness.
The accountibilty needs to be nurtured off the site as well. Your family, friends, must all know the depth of your fight. I have shown ODT's cancer surgery to my kids, I have told them how hard it was for me to stop, I have told everyone I lied to or hid my addiction from that I was a sniveling lying chew sucking nic fiend. I have let loose the truth upon everyone in my life. I am now accountible to them as well. I cannot cave because I refuse to look into my wife's, childrens, eyes and tell them that I choose cancer over them. .
Strengthen your quit, weave your web of accountibility, be an unbreakable keystone, support in your own way, rage or hand hold, just stay quit. Your fighting for your very life, this is real and not a game.
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Dear Daddy-
I wish you could have been there today to see me in my Ballet Recital, I felt like a princess. But your addiction was too strong for you to deny.
I wish you were here to hold me and tell me there was no “Boogie man” under my bed. But you put your addiction first.
I wish you were here to teach me to drive a car. But tobacco would not let you.
I wish you could have seen my high school graduation today, I sure missed you. But you chose to continue to use tobacco over your family.
I wish you could have been here tonight and met my prom date, I think I am in love. But your resolve to quit dip was not strong enough.
I wish you were here to help me move into my dorm room at college, I think I will like it here. But you chose to continue to use tobacco.
I wish you could have been around to give me words of encouragement on my wedding day and walk me down the aisle, it would have meant the world to me. But you were not strong enough to put down snuff once and for all.
I wish you were here today to hold your first grandchild, you know he has your eyes. But tobacco was too important to you.
I wish you had never used tobacco daddy, my life would have been much happier.
I love you and miss you,
Your daughter
I am quit today and tomorrow....MOA
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Posted by Skoal Master
Once upon a highschool I knew a tank sized fattapotamus named "Hope" . She was a useless chewed bubblegum looking ginormous wad of girth that wore Salmon colored shorts which showed her questionably colored panties as she contorted and wobbled her elephant sized particulars up the rope in the gym. Like watching a steroidal jellyfish trying to screw a giant licorice whip.
I Hope I can quit, I hope this works, I hope, I hope , I hope.......... your a moron. I hope your paying attention.
Like the high school Hope O Saurus , hoping to quit is useless and won't get it done. When you say you "hope you can quit", you transfer the responsibility of quitting to some unicorn riding quit fairy and away from yourself. You might as well wish on a star that you'll be quit in the morning. "I wish I could quit? " of all the defeatest idiotic garbage " hope to quit" and "wish I could" are two tell tale signs of impending failure. Where is the responsibility for your own self control?
Nothing keeps you from quitting but you, and the lies you tell. Hope isn't for quitters
ITS A DECISION. You decided to quit? then quit Dammit. Choices have consequences and rewards. To quit means to face withdrawl, it requires the confrontation of triggers without using nicotine. It will not always be easy,but get over it. This is the price you pay to earn your freedom.Besides, what have you ever earned of value that was easy? ( Besides Bubba's undying love) . it won't always be hard either, so look forward to that. You learn to live life without a chemical addiction.The reward is bigger than High School Hope's ever expanding ass. Better relationships, your self respect, freedom, control, health, perhaps your very life. Maybe the next dip is the one that kills you?
You can't hope your way to freedom from nicotine, but you can choose it.
You can hope you win the lottery, you can hope the train is on time, you can hope the waitress doesn't stick her thumb in your soup. You can even hope that you don't accidentally drop the soap in the jail shower and become Bubba the steroidal rapists new love interest. But you can't hope to quit. You have failed before you start with that thinking. You CAN quit or not quit, but there is no hope.
Try is Hope's buck toothed half retarded sexually ambigous twin sister. You can try a new flavor of edible underoos, you can try to run a marathon, you can even "try" to wiggle free from your prison paramour Bubba when he tells you to hold still "just for a second, just to see how it feels."
Try implies an attempt, and an attempt provides an opportunity for failure. Yoda once told me " Do or do not, there is no try" You have no option for failure. This is your life. Try is for games of chance, athletes and aspiring porn stars about to take 12 inches in the can. Try is not for quitters, try is for failures, because in this game you either win or die.
Truckerick posted something along the following lines which
speaks to the difference between try and do.The difference between success and fail.
"Once the warriors had been off loaded from their boats onto their enemy's shore, the Greek commanders would shout out their first orderÂ…"burn the boats!" The sight of burning boats removed any notion of retreat from their hearts and any thoughts of surrender from their boats being set to the torch. As the boats turned to ash and slipped quietly out of sight into the water, each man understood there was no turning back and the only way home was through victory."
Burn your boat and quit with resolve , no acceptable possibility but success.
Quit or don't. If you quit, it is unconditional. There is no just one, there is no reward chew, no I'm sad chew, no it's too hard, you quit and agree to ride the wave. It's like Bubba said , "there is really no half way, its either in or its out cupcake" Your either fully quit and take personal responsibility for your actions, or you don't and you ultimately relapse. But it's easier to blame UST then to blame ourselves. Its easier to lie that it can't be done, I'll quit tomorrow, I'm too addicted, its not the right time, I hope I can, I wish I can, I'm going to try. Screw hope ( not high school Hope you sicko, wtf is wrong with you?) I meant hoping to quit, and screw try as well, DO IT. It is easier than you think. Is it going to hurt a bit? probably, but pain is temporary and quit is forever as they say. Chicks dig scars, no guts no glory etc etc. Gather up your courage and get quit or stay quit, but for your own good don't hope and don't try.
The choice, ......and it is a choice, is yours. The responsibility of achieving success is yours as well, no one can cause your failure but you. No one, not even Bubba is going to sneak up behind you and jam a peach skoal suppository in your mouth.
That failure is by your hand alone.
P.S.
IF Bubba gets behind you Peach skoal is the least of your worries.
Stay quit suckers
sm
This post has been edited by Skoal Monster on Jul 2, 2010, 12:01 am
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index.php?showtopic=3416 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=3416)
By Skoal Monster
....the old I was a better less irritable person and life was better when I chewed rationalization.
Or I love my wife , girlfriend, midgit tranny go fish partner too much to put them through this, I have to start dipping again.
It's not worth it??? , I wonder how your support person is going to feel holding your hand while you have chemo. I wonder if you'll think it was worth it then.
Withdrawl is temporary, get over yourself and relax brah, I can look you in the eye and tell you it's worth it a million times over. The Only thing that shit is good for is keeping you addicted to it. The flip side is that everything is better without it.
That shit literally hijacked your mind, and your bodies ability to feel good without it.
No joke on this, you have to have a dip to get an endorphin release just to feel normal. Of course normal was what you would feel like if you never started. This shit better be pissing you off. You were getting date raped by UST while they stole your money, self respect, control, and even thoughts. Yeah thoughts, ever get in your car at some odd hour of the night when you'd rather be on the couch, because your out of dip? Ever lie to someone about chewing?
You finally escape, and now you miss the feel of that long cancerous shaft sticking to you one more time?
Little mind games your having are ALL addiction rationalizations. How many reasons a day have you come up with on why you should dip. For me it was the reward chew ( cause I quit) . The just when I'm ___________ insert stupid shit here. The only on weekend chew, the just with the boys dip, the just one, the can to help me concentrate, the my ______ died I feel sorry for myself chew, the I'm going to die of something anyway chew. The I'm too much of a dick without it chew.
One day at a time, you got this shit, get tough. I promise it is worth it
skoal monster- 478
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Journal
Monday, May 10, 2010 12:10 AM CDT
I'm sliding backwards. I have been angry since Christmas because life is either at a standstill or going backwards. During the last 5 years I felt I was gradually doing better. I would have dips of depression and sadness, but then I would come back. However, the last 6 months have had fewer days of happiness than sadness. I'm angry that I'm not on that gradual incline towards happiness. I want to enjoy life, but there is a cloud hanging over me at all times. For the first time, I am actually contemplating an anti-depressant. I recently told a friend that I still cry every day - sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. She said, "Still, after all this time?" It won't ever go away, but I thought it would continually get better.
I'm sure part of it has to do with Alexa graduating. Her hockey team made it to state for the second year in a row. In the past two years, the best games I have seen the team play have been the section championship games at Gustavus (where Tom and I went to college). Tom's work-study job was at the hockey rink. Last year, they beat Mankato West (Tom's high school) to go to state. I told Alexa that Dad had to be there because Hutch was playing Mankato West at Gustavus - how could he NOT be there!
Alexa has her last choir concert in a couple of weeks. I know I will cry. They sing a goodbye song for the seniors as we watch a slide show of their baby pictures and senior pictures.
We are planning to have Tom's high school and college friends come at the end of her graduation party to tell stories about him for the kids. We all love to here stories about him. It's hard to celebrate when he isn't here to celebrate with us. I know graduation day will be hard - watching her, knowing that she is missing him.
We recently had to junk Tom's Ranger. It was too old and needed too many repairs. Mackenzie and I had the hardest time parting with it. She drove it right after Tom died until she had Kenra. It was letting go of one more piece of him.
Connor recently hit a homerun, and I know he wished Tom were there to congratulate him. Tom would have loved to see him all dressed up for the homecoming dance. He would enjoy teasing Connor's about his girlfriend! Tom would be proud of his grades and the quality of his character.
Tori really needs her dad to give her a big hug. She is such a good girl, but anytime she makes a mistake she thinks she is letting him down. He needs to tell her that he loves her no matter what. She beats herself up sometimes. It isn't enough for me to tell her Tom loves her no matter what.
I'm so proud of the people our children are growing up to be. I'm happy they have so much of Tom's character in them. I wish he were here to share in my joys as I watch them grow and mature.
Thanks for your continued support. I need the words of encouragement.
Jenny
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Green Eggs and Lies
Down the hall, the addict runs looking for an out .Check the windows, check the doors, find the easy route. Any lie will do, he reasons , to use his killing love. I drank too much, I couldn't think, The drive was much to long. I didn't take it seriously, I didn't have a plan, Such fairytale excuses to spread throughout the land.
Each lie he tells he finds rebuffed. We've heard it all before. The voices of his brothers scream back the truth and more. In unison they'll show him what he refuses to admit. Each lie can be dismantled, each reason shown as false. Nothing helped by using it except to keep you hooked. To relax, to think, just when I drink, the fish won't bite, when I drive at night, just at work, if I don't I'm a jerk. The song goes on and on. All these things he did before, the drug just stole his soul. Thoughts came easy because no fix was needed to clear the poisoned mind. You never were so angry until nic and all her tricks.
Funny thing about us addicts, like dogs that chase their tails. While nic burns a hole in our hearts and steals everything that we hold dear. We don't stop taking the posion, in that there is much fear. Instead, we try to fill the void in such a backwards way, we simply use more and more of our drug each and every day. The thing that made the void is what we crave to fill it. Such a stupid mistake I felt the need to spill it.
The windows closed, he stumbles on and considers for a bit. A lie won't work to get my fix, perhaps I'll use the truth. My job is lost, my love is gone, my so and so has died, my car is broke, my health it fails , my joy, my loss, my triumph and my pride . For these I need "my old friend", my pesticidal love.
He tells himself because it's true, it's good enough to work. To question such a slip you'd have to be a jerk. My pains so great that I must fail and my my who could blame me. They'd fail too if they were me, and not one of them will flame me.
The addict tries each "truth" in turn, he assumes it must be real. How could they fault me now he thinks , for anyone would know, such sorrows are too great to bear. A little fix to get me thru , to get me here to there. No one could blame me for this slip I doubt they'll even care.
But at every door a brother stands to block the addicts path. The brother knows the lies of truth, he sees the addict eye to eye, he's said and heard it all before. The grief is understandable but not the slip you see. You will not get a pass from me.
"There is no truth that I'll believe that makes it fine to fall, not one thing gets better with your slip at all. Lies you tell and truths you tell are all the same to me, there is no true excuse for failure, not one you'll ever see." Each lie or truth so cleverly concieved, is nothing but a useless con the addict wants believed.
Now the addict gets quite mad, " how dare you call me out!!" I'll run away because you don't believe, I'll leave because your mean, I'll leave because you called me names, or you like the color green. The addict thinks that we don't know, he thinks that lifes too hard, he thinks because we treat his "truths" just the same as lies. That he can yell "INSENSITIVE" and sever all his ties.
But in reality it is just another door. One only he can lock. No brothers from KTC can hold the addict here. Should he choose to run away and use this one excuse. He'll not believe we mean to help he'll believe it's as he thinks. Convinced we are a bunch of jerks throwing kitchen sinks.
The addict doesn't know he's spinning his own lie. I hope to God he finds it out before he has to die. Deep down he wonders how on earth all his brothers are so wrong. Why can't they see how special he is, how hard it is for him, how it is he's different. Stronger,weaker, more addicted, has more stress or wears a dress, needs it more than a dollar whore, can't stop because he's scared. But I digress that list is much too long.
He exits out the hallway and back into the cold, a world of guilt and shame and fear , a patchwork built of lies. He'll believe his illusions for longer now until he clears the haze . A chance once more at the hallways door? or the burn of cancers sting. Either way a change must come it only ends two ways.
A crack in the door or a voice from a friend will show him this hall again.
he'll look a long way down it with hesitation and chagrin.
Perhaps this time he'll walk straight thru and not try all the doors.
Perhaps he'll heed his brothers words. you see, they know the way ,they've walked this hall before .
Perhaps he'll pull the veil from covering his eyes
Perhaps he'll learn that truth and lies are really all the same. That there is no Godly reason to continue with this game.
and then at last my addict friend, you'll see what you've forsaken, when 100 speak the truth, and yet you disagree, then maybe your mistaken.
You most likely won't like what you hear when it is not so queitly explained to you that your full of shit. Addicts lie, to others, but mostly to themselves. What makes KTC work is the wisdom of large groups. When you participate here you open yourself up so the collection of misfits saints and fellow addicts can gain access to your mind. If your off target someone WILL point it out. Others will agree or disagree. If the whole collection of tards decides your a dumbass, well then you better just buy the T-shirt because you are infact a dumbass. Question is what will you do with that info?
I got mad and wanted to leave. I realized I didn't have a choice but to stay. When I stayed long enough I realized that I was wrong about the issue, I was infact a dumbass. I realized why I had never been successful before, and I realized how to quit. I'm still learning, but I walk down the center of the hallway and don't check locks anymore to see if doors might be open. I'm going to keep whistling dixie and walking down the middle one day at a time. Follow the foot steps and listen to the group, if you can't hear anything, sing out,We'll answer. its like an echo that only comes back with honesty.
skoal Monster
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My Friend (The Enemy)
My Story
I was introduced to my friend (The Enemy) when I tried to quit smoking. It seemed like a safer alternative right? I did not have the cough or the other so called side effects of smoking right? After several failed attempts on June 28th 1996 my friend (The Enemy) helped me quit smoking forever. (9 year habit) My friend (The Enemy) told me several times I would not be nearly as addicted to it as I would smoking so I figured I would use my friend (The Enemy) and then quit that. Well, my friend (The Enemy) began to turn on me. Numerous times over the next 4 years I tried and failed to quit. My friend (The Enemy) was making me feel horrible every time I tried to quit. It was making me feel worse than the days I tried to quit smoking. I was starting to hate my friend (The Enemy)
Finally, on July 21st 2000, (One day before my wedding) I made the decision to live my married life without what I will now just call my enemy. After all, my soon to be wife does not even know I have this enemy. Things went well for awhile but for some reason in late October in 2000 the enemy worked its way back into my life. I can just have one right, I said to myself? I am used to living without it and one won’t hurt?? Well, one became two and then three and so on. The enemy was back but with a vengeance. The enemy and I decided to keep it from my wife so she still won’t know. Well, that October decision has led to another almost 10 years with the enemy. The wife of course over time found out I have this enemy. I still hid it from her but she knew. You might say the enemy even kept me from my wife. After all, why else would I want to stay up when she goes to bed? So I can spend time with the enemy over her. Over the 10 years I tried to kill this enemy, after my child was born, when I turned 40 etc...My six year old son even called it “yuck stuff” and swore he would do the same thing when he got older. (Should that not be motivation or what?)
Well, here I sit on January 11th 2010. I have now lived 6 days without the enemy. The longest I have gone without the enemy since my wedding. I do not feel great but I am working on it. I wrote this just to capture some of my thoughts as I go through this. Tomorrow, I have a dentist appointment that I was scared about over the weekend. See, on the last day before I quit I got a sore on my lower lip. (Was not the reason I quit as I had already made the decision to quit) It did help me cut down on another chew marathon for that last day before the quit. Over the next several days it got bigger and hurt a lot more. Luckily, yesterday it faded and today is pretty small. I guess you worry more and are more aware when the enemy is not inside you influencing your thoughts. I have had some sores in the past and disregarded them.
If all goes well tomorrow I will be feeling much better about the quit. Wish me luck, and I will hopefully write more in the future.
Steelers (I am in the April quit group, Quit on December 16th originally but caved on the 18th)
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THE VOID
Silly rabbits, nicotine wasn't filling the void it was creating it.
What exactly is it that your foggy mind imagines you lost? The only thing that chew is good for is to keep you addicted to chew.
You think you miss it? Is it the morning ritual of scraping the dead skin off your lip? Did it make you a better husband, father, son. Perhaps you miss being tethered to a dripping sewer of a spitter. I know!!! It made you smarter and the lump in your lip was a real hit with the ladies . You didn't lose anything , instead you have gained everything, perhaps your very life.
Nothing to miss thats all illusion created by the addiction
"Bullshit" you say "I remember that it was good and I liked it"
You miss that good dip? the perfect wedge that you think you remember. I bet you have a romantic memory , mine is of dipping in the bleachers at the highschool game on Friday night. (Secret for you) That's not the dip you get when you cave. Ohhhh nooooo buttercup, you get a dip that was just like your LAST ONE. Remember that lame chew? The one you had to have just to feed your habit, you had to think about where to put it because everywhere else hurt. Except this dip will be full of guilt and shame and failure. How could you start again when you have read the Tom Kern story? or looked at ODT's cancer surgery, or spent any time here at all?
Don't romanticize your addiction, if it was so great why did you want to stop in the first place.
It isnt the one good chew you get when you fail , its the 10,000 shitty chews that will come with it. How long will it take you to get back to 30 days of freedom? How long did it take you this time? for me it was years in between quits. You can't risk that, how many chances until you look your son or daughter in the eyes and tell them you killed yourself? and you did it on purpose. The next dip could be the one
that kills you. It isn't likely but the possibility is there. Jenny Kern said the odds of getting cancer from chew don't matter if your the one that gets it. Just sayin
Still on the fence eh, " it was always there for me" and " it would calm me down" you mumble. Nicotine is a vasoconstrictor it raises your blood pressure. It is also a stimulant. Sounds calming alright . More illusions of your nicotine soaked cerabellum. When you are angry you produce chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol. These literally take the nic out of your blood stream. So you go into withdrawl. So....we...would have a dip, and feel better. The calm you felt... was only the relief from withdrawl.
But we all believed it was THE DIP that calmed us, it was in reality the DIP that caused alot of the stress. Nicotine creating a void (can you see it yet)
The feel better high you seek, the replacement for your so called void? I think PBkids shrink friend was close but not quite there. If you can admit the void is caused by nicotine and your addiction, then the opposite must be true as well. Recovery from the addiction will fill the void. You can see this prove out in your own group and those ahead of you. Posts such as it was great to hang out with my kid and not worry about a place to spit or a spitter. Posts on how nice it feels to not HAVE to lie and hide. How proud you feel, how proud your loved ones are. Those feelings of relief, calm , become more and more as your quit progresses. THAT my addict brethren will fill the void, THAT is the good and the positive stuff that your already working for. (another secret) it's worth it and it feels so much better than you do now.
your body has to heal, your mind needs to heal. Dip literally changes the way your brain works, and it changes how your body produces and uses all of its feel good chemicals. It effects serotonin and adrenaline. The fog in my opinion is created by a lack of chemical production when your brain is trying to figure out what the hell to do with out a steady stream of posion ( you knew that nicotine is a potent neurotoxin right). Anti depressants act on the same chemicals that nic did. Coincidence that Wellbutrin does the same thing? You may feel depressed, the funk, the fog, the blahs and the fuck its. It hits with a repeatable timing in all the groups. Common sense tells you that a pattern that occurs across every group could be reality.This is your brain healing. Literally nicotine receptors are dying and new neuro pathways are forming. This is the price you must pay to earn your freedom. Embrace it. Rkymtnman gave you the best piece of advice yet. Excercise, Yes you frito lay lovin pork rind munching fattys need to get off your collective asses and excercise. Walking counts if you put some distance there. Excercise works on your body just like the rest of the stuff above. Excercise releases endorphins that will help you feel better. It is scientifically proven that you will have less craves and less severe craves AND a larger number of you droolers will stay quit. Thor's Pajammer is correct with meditation, check out what meditation does to brain chemistry as well. Its all the same , help yourself and take a walk.
As Forest Gump says thats all I have to say about that. Sorry for the long post, I hope it helps. It is really just a collection of things I've picked up from those who helped me. Some is from posts you'll find if you dig hard enough. One day at a time buttercups. If I can do it so can you. Now seriously put the pickle down and buy a ab roller.
Quitting can really be the easiest hard thing you'll ever do. Or it can be the hardest easy thing. Depends on how you flip the switch in your mind.
Posted by SM
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I can't quit"
I've made it no secret over the years that my favorite Joel Spitzer article is the one entitled, "I Can't Quit or I Won't Quit."[20] It's about a lady who enrolled in one of Joel's two-week clinics, which involved six, two-hour sessions. She advised Joel up front that, "I don't want to be called on during this clinic. I am quitting smoking, but I don't want to talk about it. Please don't call on me."
Joel said, "Sure. I won't make you talk, but if you feel you would like to interject at anytime, please don't hesitate to." She grew angry. "Maybe I am not making myself clear, I don't want to talk! If you make me talk I will get up and walk out of this room. If you look at me with an inquisitive look on your face, I am leaving! Am I making myself clear?"
Surprised by the force of her reaction, he said he'd honor her request. Although he still hoped she'd change her mind and share her experiences with the group, Joel was no longer expecting it.
With approximately 20 participants, it was a good group except for two women in back who "gabbed constantly." Others were forced to turn around and ask them to be quiet. The women would stop for a few seconds and then were right back at it. Sometimes, when other people were sharing sad, personal experiences, they would be laughing at some humorous story they had shared with each other, oblivious to surrounding happenings, recalls Joel.
On the third day of the clinic it happened. The two ladies in the back were talking away as usual when a young lady asked if she could speak to the group first because she had to leave. The two in the back continued their private conversation as if she wasn't there. The young woman said, "I can't stay, I had a horrible tragedy in my family today, my brother was killed in an accident. I wasn't even supposed to come tonight; I am supposed to be helping my family making funeral arrangements. But I knew I had to stop by if I was going to continue to not smoke."
She'd remained nicotine-free for two days and not smoking was obviously important. Joel recalls that the group "felt terrible, but were so proud of her, it made what happened in their day seem so trivial. All except the two ladies in the back of the room. They actually heard none of what was happening," writes Joel. "When the young woman was telling how close she and her brother were, the two gossips actually broke out laughing. They weren't laughing at the story, they were laughing at something totally different not even aware of what was being discussed in the room." The young lady excused herself to return to her family, said she'd keep in touch and thanked the group for their support.
A few minutes later Joel was relating a story to the group when all of a sudden the lady who had requested anonymity interrupted him. "Excuse me Joel," she said loudly. "I wasn't going to say anything this whole program. The first day I told Joel not to call on me. I told him I would walk out if I had to talk. I told him I would leave if he tried to make me talk. I didn't want to burden anyone else with my problems. But today I feel I cannot keep quiet any longer. I must tell my story." The room went quiet.
"I have terminal lung cancer. I am going to die within two months. I am here to quit smoking. I want to make it clear that I am not kidding myself into thinking that if I quit I will save my life. It is too late for me. I am going to die and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. But I am going to quit smoking."
"You may wonder why I am quitting if I am going to die anyway. Well, I have my reasons. When my children were small, they always pestered me about my smoking. I told them over and over to leave me alone, that I wanted to stop but couldn't. I said it so often they stopped begging. But now my children are in their twenties and thirties, and two of them smoke. When I found out about my cancer, I begged them to stop. They replied to me, with pained expressions on their faces, that they want to stop but they can't."
"I know where they learned that, and I am mad at myself for it. So I am stopping to show them I was wrong. It wasn't that I couldn't stop smoking- it was that I wouldn't! I am off two days now, and I know I will not have another cigarette. I don't know if this will make anybody stop, but I had to prove to my children and to myself that I could quit smoking. And if I could quit, they could quit, anybody could quit."
"I enrolled in the clinic to pick up any tips that would make quitting a little easier and because I was real curious about how people who really were taught the dangers of smoking would react. If I knew then what I know now- well, anyway, I have sat and listened to all of you closely. I feel for each and every one of you and I pray you all make it. Even though I haven't said a word to anyone, I feel close to all of you. Your sharing has helped me. As I said, I wasn't going to talk. But today I have to. Let me tell you why."
She turned to the two ladies in the back, who Joel recalls had listened to her every word. "The only reason I am speaking up now is because you two BITCHES are driving me crazy. You are partying in the back while everyone else is sharing with each other, trying to help save each other's lives." She told them about the young woman whose brother was killed and how they laughed, totally unaware of her loss.
"Will you both do me a favor, just get the hell out of here! Go out and smoke, drop dead for all we care, you are learning and contributing nothing here." Joel recalls they sat stunned. He had to calm the group as things had become "quite charged." Needless to say, writes Joel, "that was the last of the gabbing from the back of the room for the entire two-week clinic."
All present that night were successful in remaining nicotine-free. The two ladies who had earlier talked only to each other were applauded by all during graduation, even by the lady with lung cancer. "All was forgiven," recalls Joel. The lady who'd lost her brother was also present, nicotine-free and proud.
"And the lady with lung cancer proudly accepted her diploma and introduced one of her children. He had stopped smoking for over a week at that time. Actually, when the lady with cancer was sharing her story with us, she had not told her family yet that she had even quit smoking," wrote Joel. Six weeks later his mother was dead.
When Joel called to see how she was doing her son answered. He thanked Joel for helping her quit at the end and told him how proud she was and how proud he was of her. "She never went back to smoking, and I will not either," he said.
She'd taught her children a falsehood and as her final lesson sought to set the record straight. It wasn't that she couldn't quit but that she wouldn't. I too was once convinced "I couldn't" but it was a lie. It was a lie sold to me by a mind taken hostage by nicotine, a captive mind that had me believing that my next fix was more important than life itself.
Exerpts from a free pdf book by Polito JR entitled
"Freedom from Nicotine - The Journey Home"
Copyright 2008 John R. Polito
Posted by SM
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Tell me, what's so crazy about putting all the things that will help me stay quit in one place so I can access them when I really need them? Also, if they help me couldn't they assist someone else? Riddle me that.
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Administration of a drug to an addict will cause
re-establishment of chemical dependence
upon the addictive substance."
"After a year or so I was so confident that the battle was over that I left my support system behind...it was only a matter of months before I figured I could get away with "just one". (What a horrible joke that thought is!) Of course my addicition was renewed at full strength, nearly immediately."
"Sometime after that I remember thinking I had overcome my addiction and that I could have ' just a puff' and no harm would come of it. I kept smoking for 7 years after that. I was crushed that I failed but I know now that ' one smoke' is the road to defeat."
"So why did I throw away a 6 month + quit, and with it - my life and all the education and support I was freely given here at Freedom? - well for the sake of one puff! For the illusion of controlled smoking - for the belief that one won't hurt - for the relief of well I can always try again later......."
"I never took a puff for 13 years.
I remember that day in 1999 like it was yesterday. I was in Toronto on business having a drink with a good friend at a hotel bar. My friend smokes and after a couple of adult beverages I did something very stupid. I grabbed one of my friends cigarettes and lit it up. Two days later I was back home in Chicago hooked again after 13 years."
"Tried twice to quit, made it both times to 21/2 months then got the fatal idea that i could smoke just one, well that ist puff hooked for the next 10 years."
"Wow....does this thread ever hit home for me. It was a night back in October of 1997 when I was out drinking after a viewing for a firefighter who died in the line of duty. It was a very emotional evening and I had not injested any nicotine for 30 months. Even though I debated with myself for over an hour about having a cigarette, I finally bummed one to satisfy my mental urge. The next day I was up to my old habit of 2 packs a day. I wasn't aware of this site back then. I am here now every day. I read the threads and thank God I'm still nicotine free. I have a new way of looking at my addiction now. I know that relapse is a choice. Larry 1 Month 3 Weeks 6 Days. Cigarettes not smoked: 2623. Money saved: $489.34. "
Still think you can have just one?
Posted by SM
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(rkymtnman @ Nov 7, 2009, 7:16 am)
FUCK I hate being an addict. Why did I fucking do this to myself? I am such a dumb ass for ever starting this shit in the first place it is incredible.Â
Not that i totally disagree with the doomass part....and at the risk of transferance cuz ultimately the person in all our mirrors made the first "choice".....
truth is....we didn't friggin know.....
i didn't know i would get hooked
i didn't know i would get that "jonesin" feeling that made me feel like a coiled spring when i went too long between dips.
i didn't know i would spit on the carpet in places of business and rub it in with my foot.
i didn't know how bad or gross the process of this habit is....from packing, to having it your teeth, to spitting, to the dragon breath from hell....
i didn't know i would become an addict where this little can would literally rule my life....my schedule....my activities....
I didn't truly know.....(technically believe) that, yeah, some folks get cancer and at the minimum have surgery and at the worst....friggin die.
I.....didn't......know.... and niether did you.
UST knew....and both DEVELOPED and INTENTIONALLY markets a product that gaurantees them life long customers....unless you do what you are doing now.....QUIT....
Some other things i didn't know....before i quit.....
I didn't know i could start my day successfully without dip...even if it meant packing a dip immediately after brushing my teeth....i used to hate to do that cuz the mintiness from the toothpaste messed up the taste of my cope.
I didn't know i could make a decision about anything w/o dip.
I didn't know i could do all sorts of things....i.e. hunt, fish, yardword, scratch my ass.....w/o dip.
I didn't know i could go to my son's basketball/baseball/football games and not carry a spitter....in the stands AND on the court, if i happened to be coaching.
I didnt give a thot as to the negative influence i might be exhibiting to those kids....and may the good lord have mercy on a parent if they had dared to say anything......
I didn't know my wife would kiss me more w/o dip
I didn't know the admiration my boys would give me as they have witnessed first hand the battle of addiciton....supported me and vowed to never put themselves in a position to have to battle this particular demon.
I didn't know by trusting strangers to hold me accountable would work in helping quit.
I didn't know i would make some of the best friends i've never met on a dam computer website....
I didn't know I could quit.....and gain control over my addiction.....for today....
I DO know this...and you have my word as i have already signed roll this morning....as the first thing i do and the start of my day.
I will not under any circumstance have any nicotine.......today.
THAT....I know as a fact.
This post has been edited by mule21 on Nov 7, 2009, 7:04 am
Damn, if this isn't in words of wisdom it should be ( Copied from get your bitch on 11/07/09
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Dear Chairman of UST,
Dear douchetard dillhole
Just a quick note to thank you for making such a fine product.I have enjoyed skoal since I was 14.I think it's the best.
Just a quick note to say fuck you, you death dealing fuckbag. Thanks for hooking me on a substance thats more addicting than heroin when I was a fucking child.I have been a slave to nicotine for 23 years. I think a product that kills you when you use it properly is insane.
I can fondly remember all your advertising with many great athletes " a pinch is all it takes" and now I am excited to be part of the Skoal Brotherhood
a pinch is all it took to get me to lie to my parents, wife, kids, destroy relationships, ruin my health, begin killing myself. Thank God I found this site and these guys at Kill the Can to support me in kicking this horrid addiction.
Skoal has been with me through thick and thin and always helped me out when I needed it.
Skoal had raised my blood pressure to unsafe levels and I had to chew two damn cans a day just to attempt to feel ok. Now that I quit I feel better than I ever did when I chewed. Skoal was good for nothing but keeping me addicted to Skoal
I especially appreciate the recent discounts on dip and all the great new flavors
Smoking is getting pushed out and your making a marketing play that dip is a safer alternative than cigarettes. Nevermind the fact that the nicotine level in a can of chew is the equivilent of 60 smokes. You even drop the price and run multiple can specials to create addicts quicker than ever. Peach and berry dip, who are you kidding? those flavors are to hook children and women. Your a absolute shit bag. You sell fruit and mint flavored cancer.
I am sure that you will have continued success with your fine brand of smokeless and wish you the best of luck
You can take your little copperheaded fuck buckets of cancer and shove em up your ass so far that you can pack em with your tonsils. I hope you can sleep at night knowing your product kills more people than almost anything in the world. I wish the worst thing in the world upon you and your cohorts... I hope you become as addicted to this shit as I was. I am free now, I no longer pay daily dues to UST, I no longer kill myself each day, I no longer hide cheat and lie to satisfy my addiction, I am a man of my word now..... I am quit
Best Regards
I hope you go bankrupt and die you miserable cocksuckers, if I ever meet you I will punch you in the junk and feed you to a shark, but only one slice at a time,8000 plus slices for each day that I dipped. I hope it hurts.
Skoal Monster
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Link for Words of Wisdom
index.php?showforum=41 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showforum=41)
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(Skoal Monster @ Aug 14, 2009, 10:53 am)
Ah the coot, yes yes you are feeling some pain, a sense of loss perhaps? You quit for 100 days it was almost fun, a challenge, the community and the brotherhood were exciting and new. But now the first kiss is over and your quit is not so novel eh? Slowly reality sets in that you are really quit and your not going back THIS MY FRIEND IS A GOOD THING. However, Sally Rotten Crotch nic bitch isnt done with you yet, she's starting to whisper in your ear..... "Dean baby enough of these games, you know you can't leave me forever so why don't you just give up?" "Don't you love me anymore?"
I too hit a post Hof funk that was harder than the first two weeks of my quit. Its a gut check boy o .
There is nothing wrong with you a dip could fix, Chew does not fill a void in your life but creates one. You have lost nothing by giving it up. You say you still love it? What did you love you don't have now? Did it enhance your enjoyment of life? I doubt it. Perhaps your spouse found you more attractive, she always liked the pics in National Geographic of the dudes with a plate in their lower lip. Were you a better dad ? constantly hiding from your family or holding your baby in one hand and a spitter in the other? It helps you relax?, yes yes, but medically you know that's bullshit, it raised your bp and heart rate. the relaxation you felt was just getting back to normal because you fed the addiction and removed the withdrawl. Maybe you are secretly in love with Ahmed the gas station attendant, you miss going in and saying. " no not that can the other one,no to your left, no not the fucking peach god dammit the Copenhagen you fucker" All the while wanting to jump behind the counter and kill him cause your fiending.
There is nothing to miss Dean, its a scam.
The nic bitch is the mental version of the Sham Wow fag, you need to turn the fucking channel or put in some ear plugs. Honestly what helped me is finding some other poor deluded addict on his day one and watching him struggle like hell. It was almost sadistic at first. I felt satiatied when they hit the fog and the funk and the headaches and first no sleep then can't sleep enough, and the mouth sores and the fear of cancer. Watching them helped me stay quit because I hated that and won't do it again. I remember being desperate to stop and each night laying in bed thinking tomorrow tomorrow I wont dip. Watching guys cave forces me to remember that and not become complacent with my quit. Then it turned from love of dip and a sense of loss to a militant hatred. You have to cultivate that hate. Watching people struggle today pisses me off, not at them, but at the addiction. It is crazy the toll nic takes on us both mentally and physically. Find some strugglers in the new group and try to shepard them thru to the Hof. Don't get discouraged with yourself if they cave, many will. It will only remind you how far you have come and what you left behind. This will strengthen your quit. If they do make it, sharing the struggle with them will strengthen your quit as well.
Good luck Dean The Quitter
Good +1
For all you fuckers, This funk thing is a nightmare,mine hit around the nid 60's and didn't leave until 75. Like Mrogers I also had issues with my wife, whom I love. I realized that I had been treating her horribly for years due to my addiction, I literally would rather sit alone and dip than spend time with her!! how fucking selfish. When I quit I soon realized that I had to re learn how to relate to my bride. Instead of just popping in some skoal when she was pissing me off I actually had to learn how to talk to her. Maybe somebody else can explain it better. All I know is alot of my personal relationships suffered because of dip, and when I quit it took some work to start repairing them, maybe its like in AA where you have to make ammends?
The other thing that has been pissing me off about dip is this... ITS A BIG FUCKING LIE.I quit because dip didn't work for me anymore, I could not chew enough dip to satisfy my craving. I could smoke marlborough reds one after another with a fucking chew in and I still couldn't kill the crave. So then I read this damn book by some fag named Alan Carr and he describes how a nicotine addict eventually reaches a point where they cannot ever achieve a level of satisfaction. I was spending all day trying to feel normal, and to get to normal I had to chew like a beaver on crack. And get this, "normal" is what we felt like before we became nic addicts. So Im living my life feeding a fucking monkey buckets of cancer so I can feel ALMOST as good as I did before I started dipping. What a fucking scam. This is why you see smokers that light one off another all day long, they can't kill the crave. So we spend our lives in a perpetual state of withdrawl, always pissed, always craving, always scheming for another dip.
FUCK THAT, I dont care how bad the funk gets, I will not go back to that life, I don't care if I have one bad crave a day forever, I dont care if I crave all day forever, That would still be better than dipping all day everyday, I am calmer now, I engage with my kids, I can eat dinner and not be jonesing for a dip in the middle of the meal, I can have a real relationship with my wife. I have to deal with my feelings, which is something I haven't done without a wedge in my pie hole in 20 plus years. I am free of the biggest bunch of bullshit ever thunk up by man, I will not go back to that no matter what the fucking nic bitch whispers to me.
Lastly, for those of you thinking about caving, here is what I know. The chew that your craving right now, the one you think is gonna be so good isn't the one your gonna get. Your nic soaked brain is thinking about your best dip, maybe your first dip or that one in the bleachers from highschool, but thats not the dip your gonna get when you cave. The cave dip is going to be just like the LAST DIP you ever had, you know the one, it was shitty and you didn't want it but you took it anyway. That dip didn't do shit for you but make you feel worse about chewing and hiding it, and killing yourself with it. THAT is the dip to remember, and that is the dip you get when you cave, except now you have 100 times the guilt because you were free and you threw it away. What a fucking moron I would be to want to have that particular dip.......Again. If you chew then you have tried to quit and you know that what Im saying is true, at least it was for me. Im not having that dip ever again. So as bad as all the fucking craves are and the faggitty funk is I for one will suffer thru it, because the hours or days or minutes that Im not battling that shit are truly mine and I am free. Its worth it... Oh and Special ED can FUCK OFF OR POST BELOW THE LINE, Scooter gets a pass because he is hung like a stallion and therefore meets May quitter criteria. Sorry for the long rant
QUOTE]Damn brother - that is some shit.
Here is my take - this kind of stuff can effect you one of 2 ways.
First is to give you an excuse to do whatever the fuck you want - be it drinking too much, picking up a meth habit or even buying a fresh tin. When life rolls shit like this at you - you use it as an excuse to fall apart. Unfortunately, it seems society today is far too accepting of this course of action.
Second - be a fucking man about it and get stronger as you go through it. Accept that life sometimes sucks dick and unfortunately, it isn't your dick. Nothing you touch seems to work out the way you wanted it to. Everyone around you seem to give a shit less about your problems and the weight of all your daily burdens seem somedays like they are going to bring you down.
You my bad brother, are following the second path. This shit WILL make you stronger and strengthen your resolve. You will face this shit head on and get through it better than you were when you started fighting. That is what I like about this place - we don't shy away from the BS in our lives. At times, I sure want to but have realized that there is no easy way out but to take the aggressive stance and get it done.
I will have you in my prayers for the best possible outcome to the Melanoma. There is a quitter on this board who has gone through the same thing within the last 6 months. I will leave it to him to contact you if he feels the needs as I am sure he will read this.
Keep the faith my friend - you can and will get through all this as well as the first 100 days of the quit - everything happens for a reason - you just need to find that reason. You have the right attitude - don't change it with a phone call to me asking permission :)
Trapper, bud, you've got 100% of our thoughts/prayers/support right now. You keep this attitude and you'll come out on top of all of your problems! I believe that a positive attitude in light of bad circumstances can help you in the healing process physically. YOu can fight this cancer and come out on top. You can fight for your marriage, and you'll come out on top. And you can fight for your business and come out on top.
You are right: you don't quit regardless of some imminent problems. They aren't failures until you give up. God bless bud. Let me know if I can do anything from over in Houston.
(Ricko @ Sep 21, 2009, 12:19 pm)
So I Stay Near the Door" was read in a training meeting that I attended for Young Life. It is a very powerful and moving poem written by Sam Shoemaker. Who is that I wondered. Well one of the or the founder of AA. I added a link so I would not have to type the whole thing. I really was thinking as to why we stick around and encourage others to quit tobacco and bam here is an AA connection.
So I Stand Near the Door"
“I stand near the door.
I neither go too far in, nor stay too far out,
The door is the most important door in the world—
It is the door through which men walk when they find God.
ThereÂ’s no use my going way inside, and staying there,
When so many are still outside, and they, as much as I,
Crave to know where the door is.
And all that so many ever find
Is only the wall where a door ought to be.
They creep along the wall like blind men.
With outstretched, groping hands,
Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,
Yet they never find it . . .
So I stay near the door.
“The most tremendous thing in the world
Is for men to find that door—the door to God.
The most important thing any man can do
Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands,
And put it on the latch—the latch that only clicks
And opens to the manÂ’s own touch.
Men die outside that door, as starving beggars die
On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter—
Die for want of what is within their grasp.
They live, on the other side of it—live because they have found it.
Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,
And open it, and walk in, and find Him . . .
So I stand near the door.
“Go in, great saints, go all the way in—
Go way down into the cavernous cellars,
And way up into the spacious attics—
In a vast, roomy house, this house where God is.
Go into the deepest of hidden casements,
Of withdrawal, of silence, of sainthood.
Some must inhabit those inner rooms,
And know the depths and heights of God,
And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.
Sometimes I take a deeper look in,
Sometimes venture a little farther;
But my place seems closer to the opening . . .
So I stand near the door.
“The people too far in do not see how near these are
To leaving—preoccupied with the wonder of it all.
Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door,
But would like to run away. So for them, too,
I stand near the door.
“I admire the people who go way in.
But I wish they would not forget how it was
Before they got in. Then they would be able to help
The people who have not even found the door,
Or the people who want to run away again from God.
You can go in too deeply, and stay in too long,
And forget the people outside the door.
As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place,
Near enough to God to hear Him, and know He is there,
But not so far from men as not to hear them,
And remember they are there too.
Where? Outside the door—
Thousands of them, millions of them.
But—more important for me—
One of them, two of them, ten of them,
Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch,
So I shall stay by the door and wait
For those who seek it.
‘I had rather be a door-keeper . . .’
So I stand near the door.”
(ryano34 @ Nov 4, 2009, 3:47 pm)
Very interesting article I found today.....
Nicotine Warning for Cold Turkey Quitters
Roughly 80-90% of all new quitters attempt to quit cold turkey (abrupt nicotine cessation). If you are one of them then you need to know that many highly respected websites contain advertisements, quitting instructions and articles created by the pharmaceutical industry for the purpose of getting you to purchase nicotine (which they have renamed medicine) and use it (which they have renamed therapy). Their super slick marketing is designed to make you quickly believe that you have very little chance of succeeding unless you rush-out and purchase nicotine weaning products such as the nicotine patch, nicotine gum or nicotine lozenge and immediately put nicotine back into your bloodstream. They do not want you to believe in "you." They do not want you to reach for education, understanding, new skills and support, as honest tools that make dreams come true at rates that make those achieved by their weaning products laughable.
Sadly, very few sites are sharing useful, recent and honest NRT data with quitters. Those with a financial stake must keep secret the fact that a March 2003 NRT study review by paid pharmaceutical industry consultants combined and averaged all seven over-the-counter nicotine patch and gum studies and found that 93% of those who "believed" and "trusted" in the nicotine weaning message failed and relapsed to smoking nicotine within six months ( link to full text of March, 2003 study ). Nor will those receiving donations or profits for allowing nicotine to be marketed at their websites warn you that too many among the 7% who do quit smoking for six months have instead become permanent chemical captives to the very product they purchased to help them break nicotine's grip upon their mind. Nor will they tell you that if you have previously tried and failed while using nicotine weaning products that, according to two nicotine patch recycling studies, your odds of relapse during a second attempt may be as high as 100%.
But most importantly, these sites continue to refuse to caution the 80-90% of new quitters who arrive having quit cold turkey, that if they have remained 100% nicotine free for 72 hours that their blood is now 100% nicotine-clean, 90% of nicotine's metabolites have passed through their urine, and that for them chemical withdrawal has peaked in intensity and is now beginning to gradually subside. Any nicotine use at this point constitutes chemical relapse that will require them to repeat nicotine detox all over again. This is the "Law of Addiction."
But take heart if you are quitting cold turkey. According to the American Cancer Society's Cancer Facts Figures 2003 report, 91.2% of all successful long-term quitters are today quitting entirely on their own without using Zyban, Wellbutrin, hypnosis, acupuncture, magic herbs, and without toying with any gradual nicotine weaning products like the patch, gum, lozenge, spray, or inhaler.
You'd think that government researchers would be heavily engaged in studying "their" method of quitting and "their" secrets. You'd think that they'd be developing websites to service the cessation needs of the 80-90% of all new quitters who they know are today engaged in a cold turkey quitting experience. You'd think that their sites would have warnings to protect cold turkey quitters from pharmaceutical grade nicotine relapse. You'd think that government and major health non-profits would have lots of articles on how to take the mystery and cold out of quitting cold.
Sadly, it simply isn't happening. The pharmaceutical industry is making billions selling nicotine to nicotine addicts, their sphere of influence extends beyond your wildest imagination and they know that the only way to continue to increase market share and profits is by continuing their campaign to destroy the credibility of earth's most productive means of quitting - abrupt nicotine cessation.
John R. Polito, Nicotine Cessation Educator
President Grant was a hero. People gave him lots of "celebratory cigars". He died of throat cancer.
You're nicotine-free.
You have a cigar.
You're no longer nicotine-free. Choosing to have ANY nicotine for ANY reason is choosing not to be nicotine free. Calling it caving or celebrating is irrelevant.
All taken from SM's intro page
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More Stuff
There was a post on the site when somebody said once you actually hate the dirt we used to put in our lip, and once we truly despise the company who makes this dirt, and we truly get pissed off, then we take our quit to a new and higher level. I began thinking about this (this is not a quote from the source; it's merely a paraphrase from what I can remember from it), and I began thinking about just a few weeks prior when my family and I had to go to a "Celebration of Life" of a close friend of the family. I remember my bride and I traveling five hours to Eugene, Oregon and all but 20 minutes of that five hours I had a huge lip of Copenhagen in (the 20 minutes was a meal break) and we had to stop so my bride could fill her poor lungs full of toxin. We got to Eugene and I had to quickly spit my "lip turd" out, because I didn't want my mother and father seeing me chew as we met them (and the family of our lost one) for dinner.
Fast forward to the funeral the next day....Kathi was in her mid 50s when she passed away from a massive heart attack. She looked like she was in her late 60s from all the cigarettes she smoked. Kathi was a wonderful woman and would take anyone in and would love anyone. She was the least judgmental person I have ever met...this is no lie. The one thing that I noticed is there were a lot of older people at the funeral with oxygen tanks attached to their body. I couldn't believe it and the majority of them were all smokers. Kathi's husband, son, friends, and family were still ALL smoking! I couldn't believe it.
How is this for hypocrisy....we leave the funeral and head back to Washington State and the first thing I do when I'm away from view of my parents (yes, I'm 28; however, I still respect mom and dad) is fill my lip and Kimberly lights up a cigarette. I said to my bride, "what a bunch of dumbasses." She said, "who, babe?" I said, "those phuckers with oxygen tanks and they are still smoking." My question to myself is, who is the dumbass here?
Looking back at the post about how once we get truly pissed off at this product, we will bring our quit to a higher and new level: I'm pissed off that all of these people were smoking and we just lost a loved one. I'm pissed off this product had such a hold on all of us that we had to lose a family member. I'm pissed off that this product had such a hold on us that I had to fill my lip after Kathi's funeral. I'm pissed off. I'm glad I'm quit. Yes, I still have the "one more dip" craves, but I can never go back (I'm really pissed off I have those "one more dip" craves) . It will be too late for me if I do. I'm glad I met you crazy phuckers on here and I'm glad you are all quit with me. May we all enjoy another day free of this horrible product.
Boy Did I blow this one for you guys being the first one to post up in this group I could have numbers like you guys do now. I have been poking around here alot I thought I would drop I line on what happened to me Well it was pretty simple I thought after 50 some days I could have just one well we all know how that ends not good because it turned into 1.5 can a day habit for another 6 months .catching up to present day I have been free for 50 days today. Whats different this time you might ask Well I have educated myself on this addiction read alot of books and have made some lifesyle changes to compliment my quit most important I realize I will never be able to ingest nicotine again without going back to 1.5 can a day habit Period .Sorry I let you down
RAM
Day 232 Greg5280
An interesting article I read.
The Power of Addiction
By Kiki Bakker
As a therapist of people in distress, I have been frequently exposed to the harsh reality of addicts (substance abusers), their circumstances and their families. Their pain and suffering has deeply troubled me. The overwhelming anguish and helplessness of good and well-intended parents, spouses and children has as a result, become clearly evident to me.
Why has this wave of addiction to substances increased as greatly as it has, only to impact our world with fearsome long term consequences when it not only costs a fortune and serves only to wreck the lives of the addict and its closest loved ones? How does this shocking epidemic breed and always expand when in fact, it should reduce by its very negative reality? We are all aware of the hazards of drug addiction, are we not? Everything about addiction is unconstructive for those of us who are not addicts. The recorded 'benefits' for the addict do not impress us and do not make any sense to the non-addicted population. Yet, for the addict, addiction's apparent advantage is to launch one of the most powerful and destructive bonds that replace and defy all logic.
Addiction grows like a virus within the addict while it marches imposingly into our cities and coerces our children, stealing their lives and damaging their families. The addict's meaningful lifestyle, social interactions and career are usually diminished with addiction. The addict's values, morals and ethics disappear from its world. Unfamiliar mental states, altered perceptions, alien personas and new chemically linked relationships develop for the addict in lieu of all else, ensuring the set up of a 'safe' crowd for a constant supply of the addictive chemical. Hence, the addictive persona arrives uninvited. This persona, by its sheer intensity to control all else, rules the addict's natural personality, IQ and EQ.
It is addiction that has enabled the growth of wealthy businesses for the plant growers and the dealers. Factories that either manufacture the addictive substances or transform them for supply to the street are thriving.... whilst fallen users are reducing in health and dying from interrupted health or unsuspecting over dosage. Others are purposefully ending their lives in final despair at their captivating addiction. Their ray of light was removed by their addiction and they chose not to fight back or live in the dark any longer.
Addiction is beyond cruel. It is an evil that should never have grown to these proportions for we all knew better! Have we done enough to recognize that addiction is the planet's most relentless and ruthless oppressor? Drugs and the ensuing addiction they offer to the user, it would seem are unstoppable!
Rehabilitation fails in far too many instances. Factors such as age, a willingness to internalise the rehabilitation program, the type of recovery program, openness, honesty, the level of denial, emotional triggers, guilt factors, self esteem, changing social circles and the degree of difficulty to just let go of addiction, each play a crucial role in the addict's recovery. The change back to a transparent, coherent quality lifestyle is often too hard for the addict. The addict lets go of life and chooses instead the path of death.
Addiction provides relief, trading drugs for reality! It voids the addict's mind of these realities and the left-over sweet memories. The addict will fall into the gutter of addiction and will succumb to wasting its own precious life, knowing deep inside that it has failed and cannot again face society or the precious family that it harmed. The silent death wish is quietly provoked.
Research is continuous in its exploration to uncover what creates the addictive personality and why some use and others don't. Why is it that a very small percentage of addicts are able to stop and others cannot? It is wiser to assume as a result of this knowledge, that prevention is better than the cure because far too many addicts stumble after rehabilitation.
Be sure to understand that those addicts who actually do make a successful recovery, can only be admired for their strength and determination. They are entitled to the accolades, for few of us really understand what it took to cast the curse aside.
The power of addiction cannot be argued or denied. Addiction's power is like an unsuspecting phantom that shadows the addict for life, tormenting it and hoping always to break it down further. It is not satisfied with the addict alive. It is satisfied only when the addict is dead! Understand the greatness of its power in the mind and soul of the addict, for when you do, you will have gained a true perspective of the power of addiction!
QUOTE (btdogboy @ Jul 12, 2010, 9:54 am)
Golfing with a buddy of mine this past weekend and we got to talking about his Dad. His Dad is adjusting slowly to life alone with out his wife who died a few months back of smoking related issues. It was a long drawn out stressful death for the whole family. I guess his dad is doing well but is depressed a lot. His wife was 12 years younger than he is and they were married over 40 years. It was sad to hear. I found myself getting angry at my friend's dead mother for putting the family through these hard times. She had issues in the past that were corrected, but she kept on smoking until her lungs finaly fucked her over. Selfish and sad.
What I really hate about it, is that I can understand her addict mantality. I understand that you can just keep on doing something completely stupid and unhealthy. I understand how a person justifies an activity that can ultimatly effect everyone around them negitively. The brain can rationalize anything to be acceptible. I tried to explain to my friend about the addicts' mantality, but he was not getting it.
Later I though about how wonderful it must be to have never tried nicotine. My friend will never know what it's like to go without your addiction, because he never tried it. To him it is crazy that people don't just put it down. I envy this. I wish I never knew what it was like to chew Copenhagen. I wish I had no recolection whatsoever of chewing. I'm one quit mother fucker, and loving it! Fortunatly/Unfortunatly I will have to quit everyday for the rest of my life. I am blessed because I have the tools to do it, but cursed because I allowed myself the forbiden fruit.
Alright fuckers .... I'm done. Enjoy your quit today.Â
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From KTG
If you don't mind I would like to say a prayer for any addicted chewer who reads this. Lord I pray you can give us the power to overcome this addiction. While we read this, please fill our entire body with your strength and cast out all the nicotine and cravings. Please take away any urge we may have and right now, replace it with courage and wisdom. In this instant we beg for your mercy and thank you for the opportunity you have given us by leading us to this website. Please watch over everyone here and with your love see to it that we are all set free from our chains. We believe anything is possible through your hand, so I pray that as I read this you will break my addiction and have me feeling overwhelmed with your power and love. Thanks and praise, Amen
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Day 17 - man it feels like forever that I haven't shoved that shit in my lip, but when you say 17 days it doesn't seem all that long. Maybe becasue it one of if not the longest stretch I've gone without it. Amazing to think about how long I poisoned myself. The sheer economics of it are staggering - a tin a day for 15 years at $4 a tin is $21,900 in take home pay which is roughly $28K gross. The best part about that is for most of those years I was dead broke. My stupidity and hypocrocy will never cease to amaze me. I am using the fake herbal stuff more than I like, but it's helping keep me quit so phuck it. I find that if I keep it in for a long time that my cheeks get sore which is a bit unsetteling. Anyway, I'm thinking about trying the jerkey chew.
Last football season my dad and I went to a Giant's game. I had gotten to a point where I was hiding my addiction from everyone so that they would think that I quit. I made it the whole day without one but, on the way home from the game we stopped for gas and I couldn't stand the headache any longer so I went in and bought a tin. He said "I thought you quit". To which I replied "Yeah, its a process". Later on that night, I was so pissed at myself for that statement and for him readily agreeing with me - he is a multi-pack smoker of reds for all my life (37 years) and then some. This is the rationalization that us addicts use to pussy out of a quit. NEVER AGAIN!!!
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Fuck like a caveman.
CC, definitely fuck like a caveman. I concur 100%
I'd rather fuck like a caveman porn star. Like my old man always told me, if ur gonna do something might as well do it right
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So, here I am on Day 16. It has been the best decision IÂ’ve ever made. IÂ’m only at this point in large part to this site and the members both newbies and vets. IÂ’ve bought into posting roll and what it signifies and it has gotten me through some rough times that in the past would have seen my quit some to an end.
The other night, me and the wife (been married for almost 6 years) got into a rather large dust up over the most stupid shit ever. Anyway, she said some totally uncalled for shit. Shit in the past that would have had me in my truck going to “buy a soda” – what I told her I was doing while going to either buy a tin or have a chew or both. This lie is another part of the 7-year cover-up. Instead, I told her where she could go and how to get there and retreated to my man cave, throw in a huge chew of fake stuff and read the site. I was proud of myself for not giving in like I have some many times before. I’m doing this for me so that I don’t miss out on the finer parts of life with my family. No matter what she says when she’s pissed, she is still the 2nd best thing that has happened to me behind my daughter and all she has to do is give me that little girls smile for me to forget why I was so pissed at her in the first place.
Thank you KTC and all my quit brothers and sisters for helping me get this far. One day at a time, together, weÂ’ll get to where we want to be.
Bumping this up.
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My name is Chuck and I am a nicotine gutter junkie. Surprisingly it took me over 15 years to be able to admit that. The inability to come to terms with this simply fact has been the root cause of failure for previous quits - that and me being too weak to not give in.
I started using in high school. A couple of my hockey teammates always dipped so I tried it, but only a handful of times since each time I did I thought I was going to throw up. Looking back that should have been a huge warning sign to run the other way, but my dumb ass didn't. Then I went to college and with more free time and freedom I began using more but nothing that I would call regular. I don't remember buying tins very often. I usually just bummed it off friends when we were drinking. My family hit some tough time economically and I had to leave school to go to work. After about a year or so I began attending a school near my house. It was during this time that I think (kind of foggy all these years later) I began regular usage and my addiction. And although IÂ’ve stopped chewing a couple of times for a couple weeks or even a month I was never successful in quitting.
While I was dating my wife I hid it from her. Well, she caught me one night and said it was either her or the chew. So I stopped for a couple days and then went back to it just being more careful not to get caught. I’ve been hiding it from her for something over 7 years. Not sure how I was able to do it for that long without getting caught, but I’ve been lying to the woman I love for most of the time we’ve been together. We have a 2 and ½ y/o daughter who is one of the best kids I’ve ever met (yeah I know I’m her dad, but I’d be saying this even if she wasn’t). And still I couldn’t commit to quit. The last couple of months my cheeks and gums were getting sore more often and staying sore for longer.
Then on Sunday night June 27 2010 as I laid in bed feeling the inside of my sore cheeks with my tongue I decided that the dip I just finished would be my last. I prayed to God to do what he could to see that I quit in time to not get the Big C. We’re all gonna die. I finally made the choice to not have my weakness play a role in my demise any longer. I just hope that I quit in time, but that remains to be seen. I quit for me because I didn’t want my little girl to know what life was like without her daddy. I didn’t want her to have to go through the pain of understanding what death meant. I didn’t want my wife to have to struggle with the question “Mommy, where’s daddy and when’s he coming back.” I quit for me so that I can witness each of her milestones in living color. I didn’t want to burden my wife with being a single parent. I decided to finally be a real man and take control of my life back.
bumping this up
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So, here I am on Day 16. It has been the best decision IÂ’ve ever made. IÂ’m only at this point in large part to this site and the members both newbies and vets. IÂ’ve bought into posting roll and what it signifies and it has gotten me through some rough times that in the past would have seen my quit some to an end.Â
The other night, me and the wife (been married for almost 6 years) got into a rather large dust up over the most stupid shit ever. Anyway, she said some totally uncalled for shit. Shit in the past that would have had me in my truck going to “buy a soda” – what I told her I was doing while going to either buy a tin or have a chew or both. This lie is another part of the 7-year cover-up. Instead, I told her where she could go and how to get there and retreated to my man cave, throw in a huge chew of fake stuff and read the site. I was proud of myself for not giving in like I have some many times before. I’m doing this for me so that I don’t miss out on the finer parts of life with my family. No matter what she says when she’s pissed, she is still the 2nd best thing that has happened to me behind my daughter and all she has to do is give me that little girls smile for me to forget why I was so pissed at her in the first place.
Thank you KTC and all my quit brothers and sisters for helping me get this far. One day at a time, together, we’ll get to where we want to be.
Bumping this up.
Lets try this again
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Day 17 - man it feels like forever that I haven't shoved that shit in my lip, but when you say 17 days it doesn't seem all that long. Maybe becasue it one of if not the longest stretch I've gone without it. Amazing to think about how long I poisoned myself. The sheer economics of it are staggering - a tin a day for 15 years at $4 a tin is $21,900 in take home pay which is roughly $28K gross. The best part about that is for most of those years I was dead broke. My stupidity and hypocrocy will never cease to amaze me. I am using the fake herbal stuff more than I like, but it's helping keep me quit so phuck it. I find that if I keep it in for a long time that my cheeks get sore which is a bit unsetteling. Anyway, I'm thinking about trying the jerkey chew.
Last football season my dad and I went to a Giant's game. I had gotten to a point where I was hiding my addiction from everyone so that they would think that I quit. I made it the whole day without one but, on the way home from the game we stopped for gas and I couldn't stand the headache any longer so I went in and bought a tin. He said "I thought you quit". To which I replied "Yeah, its a process". Later on that night, I was so pissed at myself for that statement and for him readily agreeing with me - he is a multi-pack smoker of reds for all my life (37 years) and then some. This is the rationalization that us addicts use to pussy out of a quit. NEVER AGAIN!!!
Bumping this up
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Things I do not miss about chewing:
1) Lying to wife that I quit over 7 years ago
2) Hiding it from other family and friends (even those who dipped) so that they wouldn't think I was still using
3) Wiping the dead skin from inside my cheeks each morning
4) Trying to lightly brush it off light colored pants so that it wouldn't stain
5) Showing up late to work to that I could get one in
6) Taking the long way home so that I could get one in
7) Waking up w/ King Kong Ass breath - mmmm sexy
8) Going for a drive or into the basement so that I could "deal" just to sneak one
9) Having to keep my truck a mess so the wife wouldn't want to ride in it in fear that she would find my hidden tin or spitter
10) Getting out of bed in the middle of the night to make sure I didn't leave any evidence out where she could find it
11) Looking at myself in the mirror asking "what's if gonna be, u gonna quit this shit or is it gonna quit you?" and having to look away cause I knew the answer
12) Hiding my bank statement so wife wouldn't see all the $4+ changes from the c store
13) Walking into the c store and the guy instantly reaching for my brand of poison
14) Having to get my gums grafted since I wore them out on the 2 corner teeth
15) Advoiding the dentist like the plague
16) Making up lame excuses to take 2 cars so I could bow down nic
17) Having my daughter ride w/ my wife or stay home so that I could throw one in on the ride
18) Lying to myself that I'm not an addict, I can quit at any time, it more about the oral fixation than the nic, and on and on...
19) Being a hyprocrite for looking down on my old man for being overweight, unemployed, and still smoking multiple packs a day while putting this shit in my face - WHAT A FUCKING JOKE I AM
20) Not being ready to die, but (until now) not being ready to quit - Smell that, smells a lot like PUSSY
21) Being sick at the type of man I am because I wasn't strong enough to throw the gorilla off my back once and for all
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Captn, you made the first day hell a bit better with that list. Thanks.
John
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Thanks John. Best decision u ever made. Just sent you a message. Check your Inbox (upper right).
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Hey Dad-
I have been thinking about you a lot. Lately I have been crying every night. I don't know why but I feel like the pain is getting worse. It has been 6 years already, but I swear I remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember mom waking me and nikki up in the morning saying it wasn't good. I remember Julie driving us to the hospital. I remember going to Walmart to get swim suits because we were going to go to john and shell's and run through the sprinkler, until Dave called my phone and told us to come quick. I remember coming to the hospital scared of what might come next. I wanted to run out to the car to get my CD that has the song "Dance with my father" that I really wanted you to hear. Right as we were going to get on the elevator grandma yelled to have everyone come back into the room, we all new it was bad. I remember running back into the room, throwing myself on top on you at the end of the bed yelling "DADDY, PLEASE DON'T GO", but then you did. Hearing you take your last breath, was like getting my heart ripped out of my chest. I remember laying there at the end of your bed crying and crying and crying, hoping and praying you were going to come back. I needed you, mom needed you, connor, alexa, and tori needed you. We needed you to be there for us, to cook me steak and tell me who I could and couldn't date, you needed to coach tori and connor's softball and baseball teams, you needed to watch alexa perform just ONE more time, mom needed your help to keep me out of trouble. It's not fair. It's not fair that such an amazing guy like you had to go. It's not fair that alexa, tori, and I will never get to have you walk us down the isle or have our father daughter dance, it's not fair that you will not get to see what a good pitcher connor is or see what an amazing guy he has become. it's not fair that Kenra will never get to hear your laugh or have you give her one of those amazing hugs you gave. Dad I miss you so much and want you hear to tell me everything will be okay.
Kenzi Kern
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Hey Dad-
I have been thinking about you a lot. Lately I have been crying every night. I don't know why but I feel like the pain is getting worse. It has been 6 years already, but I swear I remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember mom waking me and nikki up in the morning saying it wasn't good. I remember Julie driving us to the hospital. I remember going to Walmart to get swim suits because we were going to go to john and shell's and run through the sprinkler, until Dave called my phone and told us to come quick. I remember coming to the hospital scared of what might come next. I wanted to run out to the car to get my CD that has the song "Dance with my father" that I really wanted you to hear. Right as we were going to get on the elevator grandma yelled to have everyone come back into the room, we all new it was bad. I remember running back into the room, throwing myself on top on you at the end of the bed yelling "DADDY, PLEASE DON'T GO", but then you did. Hearing you take your last breath, was like getting my heart ripped out of my chest. I remember laying there at the end of your bed crying and crying and crying, hoping and praying you were going to come back. I needed you, mom needed you, connor, alexa, and tori needed you. We needed you to be there for us, to cook me steak and tell me who I could and couldn't date, you needed to coach tori and connor's softball and baseball teams, you needed to watch alexa perform just ONE more time, mom needed your help to keep me out of trouble. It's not fair. It's not fair that such an amazing guy like you had to go. It's not fair that alexa, tori, and I will never get to have you walk us down the isle or have our father daughter dance, it's not fair that you will not get to see what a good pitcher connor is or see what an amazing guy he has become. it's not fair that Kenra will never get to hear your laugh or have you give her one of those amazing hugs you gave. Dad I miss you so much and want you hear to tell me everything will be okay.
Kenzi Kern
I read this and the "Dear Daddy" post almost everyday right before I post roll. I cannot imagine knowingly doing this to my daughter. My God the part about Kenzi throwing herself on the bed screaming "don't go" is enough to make the toughest SOB that ever walked this earth start sobbing like a little girl. Thankfully, I've come to my senses and with the help of this site I have begun the journey of taking back my life forever with a simple daily promise made to people I have never and will most likely never meet. I hope the Good Lord will see fit to make my quit in time. If not, then I will lie in the bed that I have made knowing that I was strong enough (all be it late) to kick that bitch to the curb once and for all. I will no longer play a staring role in own demise and my daughter and wife's anguish. I'm posting this for me as i'm nearing on the Day 10 mark. However, I'm also putting in our HOF group to remind everyone what we here for as we head into another weekend. This is not a game. This is our lives and none of us knows which dip will de "the one" to do us in. Therefore, I reaffirm to myslef and anyone who cares to read this - I HAVE NOT STOPPED DIPPING (been there, done that, and went back). I AM QUIT. FOR ONE BUT ME, CAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH SHIT I WANT TO DO B4 I'M WORM FOOD. Have a great weekend and I'll see everyone on roll.
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Hey Dad-
I have been thinking about you a lot. Lately I have been crying every night. I don't know why but I feel like the pain is getting worse. It has been 6 years already, but I swear I remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember mom waking me and nikki up in the morning saying it wasn't good. I remember Julie driving us to the hospital. I remember going to Walmart to get swim suits because we were going to go to john and shell's and run through the sprinkler, until Dave called my phone and told us to come quick. I remember coming to the hospital scared of what might come next. I wanted to run out to the car to get my CD that has the song "Dance with my father" that I really wanted you to hear. Right as we were going to get on the elevator grandma yelled to have everyone come back into the room, we all new it was bad. I remember running back into the room, throwing myself on top on you at the end of the bed yelling "DADDY, PLEASE DON'T GO", but then you did. Hearing you take your last breath, was like getting my heart ripped out of my chest. I remember laying there at the end of your bed crying and crying and crying, hoping and praying you were going to come back. I needed you, mom needed you, connor, alexa, and tori needed you. We needed you to be there for us, to cook me steak and tell me who I could and couldn't date, you needed to coach tori and connor's softball and baseball teams, you needed to watch alexa perform just ONE more time, mom needed your help to keep me out of trouble. It's not fair. It's not fair that such an amazing guy like you had to go. It's not fair that alexa, tori, and I will never get to have you walk us down the isle or have our father daughter dance, it's not fair that you will not get to see what a good pitcher connor is or see what an amazing guy he has become. it's not fair that Kenra will never get to hear your laugh or have you give her one of those amazing hugs you gave. Dad I miss you so much and want you hear to tell me everything will be okay.
Kenzi Kern
I read this and the "Dear Daddy" post almost everyday right before I post roll. I cannot imagine knowingly doing this to my daughter. My God the part about Kenzi throwing herself on the bed screaming "don't go" is enough to make the toughest SOB that ever walked this earth start sobbing like a little girl. Thankfully, I've come to my senses and with the help of this site I have begun the journey of taking back my life forever with a simple daily promise made to people I have never and will most likely never meet. I hope the Good Lord will see fit to make my quit in time. If not, then I will lie in the bed that I have made knowing that I was strong enough (all be it late) to kick that bitch to the curb once and for all. I will no longer play a staring role in own demise and my daughter and wife's anguish. I'm posting this for me as i'm nearing on the Day 10 mark. However, I'm also putting in our HOF group to remind everyone what we here for as we head into another weekend. This is not a game. This is our lives and none of us knows which dip will de "the one" to do us in. Therefore, I reaffirm to myslef and anyone who cares to read this - I HAVE NOT STOPPED DIPPING (been there, done that, and went back). I AM QUIT. FOR ONE BUT ME, CAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH SHIT I WANT TO DO B4 I'M WORM FOOD. Have a great weekend and I'll see everyone on roll.
Anyone that can read those posts and think about dipping that shit again is a doosh. I read their posts every chance I get. When I think this is easy and I have it kicked I go read.
The bitch is sneaky and will whisper in your ear for a long time to come. We all need something to keep us grounded and this certainly will do that.
Heartbreaking....
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Its funny. I'm over a month into my quit and yet I'm still experiencing some mental games. Every once and a while a little voice will pop up w/ "see you can do this anytime you want, now lets go get some." Prior to going through this, I would have thought stuff like this would have stopped by now. Just proves to me what an addict I am and will always be. The good thing is that now it is easies to shut that voice out. I'm still using the fake, but it is becoming more annoying than anything. Maybe when I stop using that all together then the voice will become less dormant. However, I know that voice will always be there, lurking just waiting for an opportunity to strike. I must never let my guard down. I have too much invested in this to ever consider turning back. I will not be that weak again.
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Its funny. I'm over a month into my quit and yet I'm still experiencing some mental games. Every once and a while a little voice will pop up w/ "see you can do this anytime you want, now lets go get some." Prior to going through this, I would have thought stuff like this would have stopped by now. Just proves to me what an addict I am and will always be. The good thing is that now it is easies to shut that voice out. I'm still using the fake, but it is becoming more annoying than anything. Maybe when I stop using that all together then the voice will become less dormant. However, I know that voice will always be there, lurking just waiting for an opportunity to strike. I must never let my guard down. I have too much invested in this to ever consider turning back. I will not be that weak again.
No getting cocky for sure. Seems like every other day is different in all ways except that I continually push myself to not cave. Some days are easy, some days are tough, but every day I get on and post roll. Read a few stories and regardless of how I feel I am glad to still be alive.
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Its funny. I'm over a month into my quit and yet I'm still experiencing some mental games. Every once and a while a little voice will pop up w/ "see you can do this anytime you want, now lets go get some." Prior to going through this, I would have thought stuff like this would have stopped by now. Just proves to me what an addict I am and will always be. The good thing is that now it is easies to shut that voice out. I'm still using the fake, but it is becoming more annoying than anything. Maybe when I stop using that all together then the voice will become less dormant. However, I know that voice will always be there, lurking just waiting for an opportunity to strike. I must never let my guard down. I have too much invested in this to ever consider turning back. I will not be that weak again.
No getting cocky for sure. Seems like every other day is different in all ways except that I continually push myself to not cave. Some days are easy, some days are tough, but every day I get on and post roll. Read a few stories and regardless of how I feel I am glad to still be alive.
Bitch will come knocking from time to time. You are learning how not to answer the door at the wrong time. Over time the visits will begin to come farther and farther apart.
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Little reminder that I'm not alone on this journey.
Cock of the day. Today's COCKS of the Day awards go to two bad assed motherfuckers who I am certain will not only make the HOF, but kick some ass along the way. These guys will support you when you need it and let you know when you fuck up. First COCK of the day (in no particular order) is captncoke13. When his quit partner, "I'm a big selfish vagina and everyone can go fuck-themselves because I have too much stress and the nic whore will fix it all" Griff, caved, he stayed strong and reminded us all of the Kern story. He could have used it as an excuse to cave, but he did not. He expressed himself on here like a man, gave Griff some solid advice, and moved on with our group. Nice work.
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Chuck,
I think you need to start posting more of your own thoughts here. This is not to say that the wise words you've read, copied and pasted aren't good tools for you, as reminders, because they are surely good tools. I'm just saying that keeping a record of your own thoughts is just as valuable, and definitely valuable for other quitters who read your intro a year from now. The things you've written here about your own experience are sharp. Share more.
- Dean the Cunt
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ONE TRUTH
One small detail that has made all the difference. I remember dipping and wanting to quit. I mean REALLY wanting to quit. Fear of cancer wanting to quit, pray to God wanting to quit, try anything wanting to quit. Wife crying begging me to quit, kids spitting on the ground to be like Daddy wanting to quit.
I'd feel the desire to quit and remember previous attempts. A day, a week, 6 months. I would laugh at myself because I was so stupid. How could I hate something having so much power over me, get free of it, then forget I hated it, miss it , go back, and restart the cycle.
A promise to myself.
No matter what happened, if I could ever break free again, I would remember how bad I wanted to quit. I lose the fear of addiction from time to time, I tell myself secrets about a dip or a smoke , I forget alot of the struggle to get here, But I clearly remember my promise made in a moment of clarity. If I could want to free myself of something so bad when I had it, then I know that wanting it when I have successfully gained my freedom is addiction and not truth. The simple memory of my desire to stop works on all my lies like a shield.
Hold onto something, your reason for quitting, the emotion behind it. Write it down. There may come a day where you forget your an addict, a day where you think one won't hurt, a day where you believe you can quit again at will. On that day you will need to remember how bad you wished you never tried it, how hard it was to gather the strength to quit, how much you hated the control it had on you, how much you wished , prayed, begged, and pleaded to get quit. If you can tap into that you'll never look back, no matter what your inner addict whispers in your ear.
sm
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My family (me, wife and daughter) went on vacation last week with my family. The weeks leading up to it my wife and I were at eachother's throats. Anyway, during the vaca we were really busy, but had a great time. The last night we were there the wife and I got into a big dust up. We were having dinner (cook-out) for my dad's b-day and she dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink even though she just arrived at the picnic site. Well, I hit the fucking roof. I was so pissed because I had gone out of my way to make sure she had a good time and to do more than my fair share when it came to our daughter and the organizational BS that comes with vaca. I'm pretty sure it wasn't dip rage, but am questioning myself since my reaction was more severe than I would have liked. Was it the lack of nic or am I not the person I thought I was? Am I just a dick deep down? Just questioning myself - guess it just comes with the territory.
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My family (me, wife and daughter) went on vacation last week with my family. The weeks leading up to it my wife and I were at eachother's throats. Anyway, during the vaca we were really busy, but had a great time. The last night we were there the wife and I got into a big dust up. We were having dinner (cook-out) for my dad's b-day and she dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink even though she just arrived at the picnic site. Well, I hit the fucking roof. I was so pissed because I had gone out of my way to make sure she had a good time and to do more than my fair share when it came to our daughter and the organizational BS that comes with vaca. I'm pretty sure it wasn't dip rage, but am questioning myself since my reaction was more severe than I would have liked. Was it the lack of nic or am I not the person I thought I was? Am I just a dick deep down? Just questioning myself - guess it just comes with the territory.
Maybe your wife was right, maybe you did have too much to drink. From the looks of your screen name "captnncoke" it seems alcohol identifies you more than your family. We have an alcohol quit group in the Wildcard section of this site. you might try that for a few weeks and see if maybe drinking is the problem. Just a thought, good luck.
"dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink" - A guy that calls himself "captnncoke", come on there's no way he is a big drinker :) No offense Capn', I dont know anything about you, I'm just giving you a 10 second objective outside look at the situation from the limited information I have. All the best.
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My family (me, wife and daughter) went on vacation last week with my family. The weeks leading up to it my wife and I were at eachother's throats. Anyway, during the vaca we were really busy, but had a great time. The last night we were there the wife and I got into a big dust up. We were having dinner (cook-out) for my dad's b-day and she dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink even though she just arrived at the picnic site. Well, I hit the fucking roof. I was so pissed because I had gone out of my way to make sure she had a good time and to do more than my fair share when it came to our daughter and the organizational BS that comes with vaca. I'm pretty sure it wasn't dip rage, but am questioning myself since my reaction was more severe than I would have liked. Was it the lack of nic or am I not the person I thought I was? Am I just a dick deep down? Just questioning myself - guess it just comes with the territory.
Maybe your wife was right, maybe you did have too much to drink. From the looks of your screen name "captnncoke" it seems alcohol identifies you more than your family. We have an alcohol quit group in the Wildcard section of this site. you might try that for a few weeks and see if maybe drinking is the problem. Just a thought, good luck.
"dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink" - A guy that calls himself "captnncoke", come on there's no way he is a big drinker :) No offense Capn', I dont know anything about you, I'm just giving you a 10 second objective outside look at the situation from the limited information I have. All the best.
Most likely there was some dip rage in the mix. I don't think we are good judges of our character during the early quit. In our heads we justify, rationalize (I did more than my fair share..), we blame others (wife / kid did blah blah). But until you rewire your control buttons in your head you will fire off and be more of an ass than you naturally are.
So I've come to realize that during the first 100 or so days it's even more important to practice the words, "yes dear", "your right", and "I'm sorry". I'm betting that if we saw ourselves on video during some of those exchanges we'd say "what a dick that dude is".
So learn to catch yourself BEFORE you react. Take a breath, take a walk, count to a million, then look up and smile. Realize that the family/friend is someone that you care about, then temper your response more approriately.
Truely it will take time to rewire the brain!
my two cents
Rob
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Its funny. I'm over a month into my quit and yet I'm still experiencing some mental games. Every once and a while a little voice will pop up w/ "see you can do this anytime you want, now lets go get some." Prior to going through this, I would have thought stuff like this would have stopped by now. Just proves to me what an addict I am and will always be. The good thing is that now it is easies to shut that voice out. I'm still using the fake, but it is becoming more annoying than anything. Maybe when I stop using that all together then the voice will become less dormant. However, I know that voice will always be there, lurking just waiting for an opportunity to strike. I must never let my guard down. I have too much invested in this to ever consider turning back. I will not be that weak again.
No getting cocky for sure. Seems like every other day is different in all ways except that I continually push myself to not cave. Some days are easy, some days are tough, but every day I get on and post roll. Read a few stories and regardless of how I feel I am glad to still be alive.
Bitch will come knocking from time to time. You are learning how not to answer the door at the wrong time. Over time the visits will begin to come farther and farther apart.
been reading your intro. Good stuff. As far as the mental games. I don't know if they will ever go away. I have 921 day under my belt. And still get the "Lets just have one" feeling every blue moon. I will go many days in b/w them, but they still pop up. Always keep your guard up.
Another thing. Did you ever come clean with your wife. Not to intrude in your personal relationships but it could be helpful. Or not. I don't know.
Congrats on a quit well started.
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My family (me, wife and daughter) went on vacation last week with my family. The weeks leading up to it my wife and I were at eachother's throats. Anyway, during the vaca we were really busy, but had a great time. The last night we were there the wife and I got into a big dust up. We were having dinner (cook-out) for my dad's b-day and she dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink even though she just arrived at the picnic site. Well, I hit the fucking roof. I was so pissed because I had gone out of my way to make sure she had a good time and to do more than my fair share when it came to our daughter and the organizational BS that comes with vaca. I'm pretty sure it wasn't dip rage, but am questioning myself since my reaction was more severe than I would have liked. Was it the lack of nic or am I not the person I thought I was? Am I just a dick deep down? Just questioning myself - guess it just comes with the territory.
Maybe your wife was right, maybe you did have too much to drink. From the looks of your screen name "captnncoke" it seems alcohol identifies you more than your family. We have an alcohol quit group in the Wildcard section of this site. you might try that for a few weeks and see if maybe drinking is the problem. Just a thought, good luck.
"dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink" - A guy that calls himself "captnncoke", come on there's no way he is a big drinker :) No offense Capn', I dont know anything about you, I'm just giving you a 10 second objective outside look at the situation from the limited information I have. All the best.
Most likely there was some dip rage in the mix. I don't think we are good judges of our character during the early quit. In our heads we justify, rationalize (I did more than my fair share..), we blame others (wife / kid did blah blah). But until you rewire your control buttons in your head you will fire off and be more of an ass than you naturally are.
So I've come to realize that during the first 100 or so days it's even more important to practice the words, "yes dear", "your right", and "I'm sorry". I'm betting that if we saw ourselves on video during some of those exchanges we'd say "what a dick that dude is".
So learn to catch yourself BEFORE you react. Take a breath, take a walk, count to a million, then look up and smile. Realize that the family/friend is someone that you care about, then temper your response more approriately.
Truely it will take time to rewire the brain!
my two cents
Rob
Points well received from you both. Just to clarify, I didn't pick my screen name because I'm a big drinker. Was just a screen name I've used since I was in college (long time ago) and yes did drink captain and coke from time to time. I honestly can't remember the last time I had one though - must be at least 4 years. Now I'm pretty much just an occasional beer and wine drinker. I will say that since I've quit that I've had beer more frequently than prior but nothing abnomal for the summer. It is something that I am conscience of though. That night, I did have a couple beers, but she saw an almost empty 6 pack case and instantly thought I drank them all since it was my beer. I agree that I need to take a step back prior to going with my first reaction. I think what has me so flustered is that I usually am good with doing just that. Especially since it was a cookout for my dad's b-day, I would normally not let something she said get to me so to impact the event. This time though I did let it get to me - was it all the shit we've been going through in our marriage, was it the beer, was it the dip, was it just me being a dick, am I just a dick? Guess I just need to keep it moving and learn from this.
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Its funny. I'm over a month into my quit and yet I'm still experiencing some mental games. Every once and a while a little voice will pop up w/ "see you can do this anytime you want, now lets go get some." Prior to going through this, I would have thought stuff like this would have stopped by now. Just proves to me what an addict I am and will always be. The good thing is that now it is easies to shut that voice out. I'm still using the fake, but it is becoming more annoying than anything. Maybe when I stop using that all together then the voice will become less dormant. However, I know that voice will always be there, lurking just waiting for an opportunity to strike. I must never let my guard down. I have too much invested in this to ever consider turning back. I will not be that weak again.
No getting cocky for sure. Seems like every other day is different in all ways except that I continually push myself to not cave. Some days are easy, some days are tough, but every day I get on and post roll. Read a few stories and regardless of how I feel I am glad to still be alive.
Bitch will come knocking from time to time. You are learning how not to answer the door at the wrong time. Over time the visits will begin to come farther and farther apart.
been reading your intro. Good stuff. As far as the mental games. I don't know if they will ever go away. I have 921 day under my belt. And still get the "Lets just have one" feeling every blue moon. I will go many days in b/w them, but they still pop up. Always keep your guard up.
Another thing. Did you ever come clean with your wife. Not to intrude in your personal relationships but it could be helpful. Or not. I don't know.
Congrats on a quit well started.
Thanks for the kind words. Just noticed that ur quit date is my daughter's birthday. Too bad I wasn't strong enough to have the same quit date. Oh well, better late than never I guess. Thanks again.
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Today is day 50 of my quit. While I know this is nothing compared to the amount of time I spent putting that poison in my face, it is a milestone that I'm going to recognize and celebrate (a little). The toughest part about my quit (thus far) has been the mind games with that nagging little voice. I really haven't experienced anything that I would call a physical craving - could just be that I cannot differentiate between the voice and physical. Anyway, in past quits, I would allow the little voice to "win" when "life happened" - money got tight, boss being an extra large dick, etc. The biggest one of all was when the wife and I would get into it. I would do it to "calm down" and/or to spite her. The interesting thing is that all these things I just described are currently present and always will be. This site, the support of my classmates and vets, and posting roll with my promise to be nic free for today have made a huge difference this time around. Another difference in this quit is that I finally manned up and did this for me, not my wife or daughter. I know I have ragged on my wife a lot on this site. The truth is that she is the best thing that ever happened to me. She drives me crazy alot, but I wouldn't be the man I am today without her. I want to work through the rough patch we're currently in, have another child and ultimately reitre and spoil our grandkids together. I want to be there to help guide our daughter through her developmental years, watch her get her diploma, walk her down the isle and dance with her at her wedding - not for anyone's sake but for mine. This and KTC are the reasons why I'm able to reach this small, but important, milestone. Thank you all for your support and guidance. I cannot say if I will never use nic again. However, I can say, with the utmost certainty, that I will not use it today. I will do the same tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrow...
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Today is day 50 of my quit. While I know this is nothing compared to the amount of time I spent putting that poison in my face, it is a milestone that I'm going to recognize and celebrate (a little). The toughest part about my quit (thus far) has been the mind games with that nagging little voice. I really haven't experienced anything that I would call a physical craving - could just be that I cannot differentiate between the voice and physical. Anyway, in past quits, I would allow the little voice to "win" when "life happened" - money got tight, boss being an extra large dick, etc. The biggest one of all was when the wife and I would get into it. I would do it to "calm down" and/or to spite her. The interesting thing is that all these things I just described are currently present and always will be. This site, the support of my classmates and vets, and posting roll with my promise to be nic free for today have made a huge difference this time around. Another difference in this quit is that I finally manned up and did this for me, not my wife or daughter. I know I have ragged on my wife a lot on this site. The truth is that she is the best thing that ever happened to me. She drives me crazy alot, but I wouldn't be the man I am today without her. I want to work through the rough patch we're currently in, have another child and ultimately reitre and spoil our grandkids together. I want to be there to help guide our daughter through her developmental years, watch her get her diploma, walk her down the isle and dance with her at her wedding - not for anyone's sake but for mine. This and KTC are the reasons why I'm able to reach this small, but important, milestone. Thank you all for your support and guidance. I cannot say if I will never use nic again. However, I can say, with the utmost certainty, that I will not use it today. I will do the same tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrow...
Excellent. This is what I was talking about in my last post here. Share YOUR thoughts. ;)
You're going to feel like a better and better and better person as your quit ages. Basically, you'll recognize that you are extremely badass. You'll recognize that applying that badassness to every part of your life is possible, and you'll start doing so. That is one of the most pleasant byproducts of OWNING an addiction.
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I posted this today in my HOF group, but wanted to put it here as well.
First - Remember that you have the ears and brain of an addict. So even if you're quoting the man verbatim, recognize that he must have been sugar coating the facts a lot or not a very smart man. (Side note from Lou Holtz - Do you know what they call the person who finished at the bottom of their Med School graduating class - Doctor) The fact is that we've all been doing this long enough to fall into the category of having "cells dying and rejuvenating". Ever been able to peel off a good chunk of your cheek after a night of hitting the tin hard? I have and it was happening more and more right before I quit.
Second - Someone mentioned Russian roulette. I'm a numbers guy and did some simple math. Do you know that with 1 bullet in a 6 shooter (no moving the chambers) that your chance of survival is as follows: 1st pull = 83.3% (5 outta 6), 2nd pull = 80% (4 outta 5), 3rd pull = 75% (3 outta 4), 4th pull = 66.6 (2 outta 3), 5th pull = 50%? I've got 2 more questions for ya - 1) Would you ever be crazy enough to actually pull the trigger? and 2) What "pull of the trigger" are you on in your Russian Roulette game of Dip?
Lastly - You shouldn't be concerned about sharing something like this with your quit brothers. This type of thing is the reason why we're all here and this site is exactly why addicts, like us, have finally been able to break free. We're here to support you in your time(s) of need as well as get support from you when we need it. Also, by involving ourselves in other's quits we strengthen our own quits. I was thinking about this today as I was reading BigDuke's intro page (recommend it to all). Mule said something on that thread that stopped me cold - (paraphrasing) "I would gladly stop a bullet for my wife and child, but I wouldn't quit dip for them. However, I would for my quit brothers - strangers I never met and probably never would meet."
I know you will get through this. You want to know why I can say that with certainty - because I know you even though we've never met and I don't even know your first name (BTW my name is Chuck). I know you because I am you. We are addicts that have decided to take back our lives one day at a time by giving a daily commitment to folks we will never meet to be nic free for that day and that day only. We are stronger than our addiction and will lean upon our brothers if and when needed. We will never let a quit brother down, let them fall, or let them fail. All one needs to do is reach out and an entire quit army will be at their side to guide them, support them, and/or carry them. Whatever is needed will be done. Because giving and receiving that type of support is the only way gutter junkies break their bonds of addiction. You can and will get through this.
This site and all it's fucked up members are "...like an angel on your shoulder. And if you ever get hurt, and you feel that you’re going down this little angel is gonna whisper in your ear. He gonna say “Get up you son of a bitch, because Mickey loves ya!”
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Hey dad
Just wanted to stop by and say hi. Thought you might like to know that Connor got the MVP award for baseball from his coach this year. Mom said that he started out by saying that he was every coaches dream player...that outta make you proud!! You raised a good one!! :)
Love you!!!
Kenzi mackenzie_k_06@hotmail.com (http://mailto:mackenzie_k_06@hotmail.com)
- Tuesday, August 10, 2010 10:59 PM CDT
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I posted this today in my HOF group, but wanted to put it here as well.
First - Remember that you have the ears and brain of an addict. So even if you're quoting the man verbatim, recognize that he must have been sugar coating the facts a lot or not a very smart man. (Side note from Lou Holtz - Do you know what they call the person who finished at the bottom of their Med School graduating class - Doctor) The fact is that we've all been doing this long enough to fall into the category of having "cells dying and rejuvenating". Ever been able to peel off a good chunk of your cheek after a night of hitting the tin hard? I have and it was happening more and more right before I quit.
Second - Someone mentioned Russian roulette. I'm a numbers guy and did some simple math. Do you know that with 1 bullet in a 6 shooter (no moving the chambers) that your chance of survival is as follows: 1st pull = 83.3% (5 outta 6), 2nd pull = 80% (4 outta 5), 3rd pull = 75% (3 outta 4), 4th pull = 66.6 (2 outta 3), 5th pull = 50%? I've got 2 more questions for ya - 1) Would you ever be crazy enough to actually pull the trigger? and 2) What "pull of the trigger" are you on in your Russian Roulette game of Dip?
Lastly - You shouldn't be concerned about sharing something like this with your quit brothers. This type of thing is the reason why we're all here and this site is exactly why addicts, like us, have finally been able to break free. We're here to support you in your time(s) of need as well as get support from you when we need it. Also, by involving ourselves in other's quits we strengthen our own quits. I was thinking about this today as I was reading BigDuke's intro page (recommend it to all). Mule said something on that thread that stopped me cold - (paraphrasing) "I would gladly stop a bullet for my wife and child, but I wouldn't quit dip for them. However, I would for my quit brothers - strangers I never met and probably never would meet."
I know you will get through this. You want to know why I can say that with certainty - because I know you even though we've never met and I don't even know your first name (BTW my name is Chuck). I know you because I am you. We are addicts that have decided to take back our lives one day at a time by giving a daily commitment to folks we will never meet to be nic free for that day and that day only. We are stronger than our addiction and will lean upon our brothers if and when needed. We will never let a quit brother down, let them fall, or let them fail. All one needs to do is reach out and an entire quit army will be at their side to guide them, support them, and/or carry them. Whatever is needed will be done. Because giving and receiving that type of support is the only way gutter junkies break their bonds of addiction. You can and will get through this.
This site and all it's fucked up members are "...like an angel on your shoulder. And if you ever get hurt, and you feel that you’re going down this little angel is gonna whisper in your ear. He gonna say “Get up you son of a bitch, because Mickey loves ya!”
Excellent post !! Keep sharing... it keeps us quit !!
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On day 70, couple nights ago, I had the second dip dream that I remember. Like the first one, I was driving in my truck. Not sure where I was coming from or going to. All of a sudden, I realized that I had a huge fatty in my lip. Don't remember putting it in, it kind of like just appeared. I seriously thought this was real and couldn't believe I caved. This feeling of doom lasted long after I woke and realized it was just a dream. Just goes to show that no matter how many days we have under our belts or how strong we think our quits are we're just one second and one bad decision away from becoming an active nic junkie once again. The thoughts and cravings have diminished in frequency. Now the battle has shifted to guard against the ambush instead of against frontal assults. One day at a time.
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Thought it was fitting that I found this on my 100th day. We can never let our guard down or relax for one moment. The stakes are simply too high and the costs immeasurable. I am still quit for me, so that I won't have to live with putting my daughter through the same type of hell. Good Lord, please grant her and her family the peace they so richly deserve.
http://www.caringbridge.org/mn/tomkern/guestbook.html (http://www.caringbridge.org/mn/tomkern/guestbook.html)
You'd hold me close in your arms
I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me
I miss you
I miss your smile
And i still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now,
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true the time is flying by too fast
I know your in a better place yeah
But i wish that I could see your face oh
I know where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me
Kenzi Kern
Sunday, September 5, 2010 10:56 PM CDT
Hey dad!
Well today is the day that Alexa leaves for school. I thought I would be so excited for her to go since I will finally not have to be her second mom...reminding her to clean her room, do the dishes, help with laundry, well basically cleaning up after herself...which we all know if a life or death situation for her. Well I am actually sad. (don't tell mom, she will do the "I told you so" thing) Kenra, Lexa, and I had so much fun last night just hanging out, dancing, and just talking.m Now I am at home cleaning her room, bathroom, and closet..because it is now mine. I thinking of her moving in and you should be there helping. When you go to college your dad should be there helping you carry all of the big things, giving you a big hug and as your pretending not to be scared to be on your own you should be there saying it will be okay kiddo, you can call when anytime. But your not. I am so mad that you are not here to watch all of us grow up and here for every waking moment. I wish you could be hear for us and give us that hug and call us kiddo or pumpkin. Well I miss you dad and love you so much!
Kenzi Kern
Saturday, September 4, 2010 10:58 AM CDT
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We can never forget why we've started on this journey towards freedom!!!
Hey Dad!
Christmas was good, we got a 10 FOOT TREE!!!! It is huge and you can smell the tree all the way downstairs!! Bubba also came home this year, which was really nice for all of us. Well just thought I would drop in and say hi! I love you and miss you tons!!!!
Kenzi mackenzie_k_06@hotmail.com (http://mailto:mackenzie_k_06@hotmail.com)
- Thursday, January 6, 2011 7:39 PM CST
Well Dad,
Today is Connor's 16th birthday!! How crazy is that?! He will be taking his test next week, I went to pick him up at a friend's house yesterday and he drove home. It is WAY too weird with him driving, in less than a year Tor will be getting her permit...that is also WAY WAY too weird. If you think about it...I didn't even have my license when you left. Actually I think that I had failed it a few days before. Wow it has been so long!! But anyways, I love you and miss you!!
Kenzi mackenzie_k_06@hotmail.com (http://mailto:mackenzie_k_06@hotmail.com)
- Tuesday, November 9, 2010 9:53 AM CST