KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: MPR81 on March 22, 2014, 12:07:00 AM
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I should have posted an introduction back in the beginning of 2013. I showed up on KTC on January 1st, 2013 and posted my first roll. That turned into a 150-day quit, the best I'd ever accomplished. This was my short intro from my HOF class page:
I wanted to post roll call first to make sure I had that straight. Now I'd like to formally introduce myself. My name is Mike, I'm 31 years old and I've been dipping since the very first day of college 13 years ago. Started off as a constant dipper (thanks to the Skoal rep who gave our fraternity boxes of free Skoal!) and have only gotten worse. Like most of you guys, I have tried quitting multiple times in the past, the longest quit lasting about 3 months. This is the first time I've ever come across this site and all I can say is THANK GOD! I know from previous experience what I'll be going through in the next days and weeks, but I already feel better knowing that I will have this resource for support, and I can't wait to...no, no, no...one day at a time. I'm not even going to worry about 100 days from now, not at this moment.
Thank you all for being here for me and the rest of us quitters. Here's to one day nicotine free!
I stopped showing up on KTC sometime last summer. I haven't gone back yet to find my last post, but I should do that. I stopped for a number of reasons. At least, I told myself plenty of reasons not to worry about coming here. Let's see: life is really busy right now, its summer and we have lots to do, I haven't dipped in 6 months I'm sure I'm good now, etc.
Here's where I found out what I'm sure a majority of people on here already know. I found out that I'm never going to stop being an addict. I'm never going to not be addicted to nicotine.
The Nic started creeping back into my life in a very inconspicuous manner. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that would be shocked by this revelation. We took a weekend trip to visit my wife's aunt and uncle. Her uncle likes to enjoy a cigar on occasion. Being a classy guy, he offered me one one night as we enjoyed a beer outside. I really didn't even think twice about it. Why would I? I was quit! I hadn't had any tobacco in 6 months! Plus, cigars barely have any nicotine in them anyway! This was not a big deal. However, it was during that same trip that I noticed his can of Skoal Wintergreen sitting on his desk. This time, The Nic whispered in my ear that I was on vacation. I might as well enjoy myself. Plus, I had already smoked a cigar, so I was kinda off the wagon. I might as well enjoy the weekend, and then get back with it on Monday.
By the end of summer, I was back up to a couple cans a week. I did not rush right back here. I can't quite put my finger on why. I'm sure shame and embarrassment played at least a small role. I had also convinced myself that dipping wasn't all that bad. Sure, I would eventually try to quit again, but why rush?
Typing this now, I can't believe how stupid I was. I think we as humans really do have a tough time seeing what is best for ourselves in the distant future. I'm pissed at myself for giving up what I had worked to earn last year. I let myself forget how hard 100 days was. Right now I'm on day 4. I remember how hard it is now. If I could somehow record this feeling and let myself have a little taste of it any time I want a dip, I think I could stay clean forever. I hope that this intro page will become that recording for me.
Right now, I'm having trouble sleeping. I wake up multiple times a night in a sweat, I have waking dreams, lucid dreams, whatever you want to call it. These dreams make it hard to get restful sleep. I'm cranky during the day. I have no wind in my sails. Seems like I used to dip during any and every activity, essentially making my entire life one giant trigger. All I want to do is sit on the couch and zone out, because thinking of doing anything else makes me want to have a dip.
Future me, if you come back to read this, trust me. This sucks! This is not fun to go through, and what tiny amount of pleasure you may get from having a dip is not worth going through this. Here's to all the quitters here, may we all have had our last taste of The Nic.
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I am glad you are back MPR81! Thank you for the reminder of the beginning of the Quit and all its gory pain. Your experience has helped strengthen my quit today because it is a great reminder of how easy it is to stumble. You can do this!
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Thank you for the support, Sage. I'm quitting with you today.
I was just doing some research, and found the last day I posted in April 2013.
MPR81 - Day 149 - Sorry, I missed a few days during the Memorial Day weekend. Still here.
I want that to be here to help me remember when I slipped away last time. I also ran across a fantastic quote from LOOT:
St. LooT, Chapter 1, verse 21, Fightin the funk
Some of you are out of the funk. Some are entering. Some are in the low-down, dirty fuckin middle of the battle.
Word of advice....REMEMBER. Remember what it feels like. Remember how low and desperate you feel, how it takes every fiber of your core to stay clean for a single day. Remember, how on those days posting roll is the most liberating yet confining thing you do in a day.
This is the first of many funks you'll go through. Each funk will be separated by the passing of more time. Each generally less intense than those before. In time, it will subside completely.
The first 100 days are critical in the quitting process. By 100 you should have developed some healthy habits to replace the negative. Hopefully, you've tackled the oral fixation and are well on your way to conquering it. This was a very difficult thing for LOOT to grasp. If you have not addressed your oral fixation, you need to think about a strategy to handle it. It may go away on it's own, it may need a nudge....but you WILL address it.
Anyway, back to the funk. These are the times when your quit is the most vulnerable. Protect it at all costs. Most funks happen around Days 80, 125, 250, 400, 700. That's pretty close to LOOT's schedule. It has been over 1200 days since LOOTs last event. Mule told LOOT he had a funk close to 1000.
1200 days of simply posting roll and commiserating with newbs is a great place to be. Think about it.
This post is not meant to discourage. You've been told to worry about TODAY only. That is beautiful advice. However, forgetting yesterday is a recipe for death. LOOT just wants to put a few things on your radar. You should know there are bumps in the road without being told. Forewarned is foreskined. Be steady. Stay the course. There are so many beautiful days ahead of you. Keep your nose down and trudge through the hard times. They will galvanize your quit.
Remember these times. Remember where you've been.
Never again, for any reason.
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Welcome back but one more question; what are you going to different? I honestly don't understand the feeling that a person thinks they are in the clear. At 720 days I'm still very much aware that my quit is vulnerable. Two years ago I never dreamt that I'd be posting roll still. The more of this type of cave I see strengthens my resolve to return to post roll. I remember the suck not only of quitting but I remember the suck of slavery and for me the suck of being a liar was worse.
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Glad you're back doc. Real punch in the dick though. Reminds me of that one nurse or receptionist that you always make excuses for. You overlook certain shortcomings like chronic tardiness, lateness, mistakes etc. You just want to grab them and shake some sense in them, and scream
WHY DO YOU NOT REALIZE THE POTENTIAL FOR A GREAT THING HERE? DONT YOU SEE THAT I WANT YOU TO SUCCEED AND WILL HELP YOU? IF YOU JUST CARED A LITTLE MORE? IF YOU JUST PUT OUT A LITTLE MORE EFFORT!"
You know the same employee. The problem is that I am trying to project my personality on my employees. It never works though. It doesn't work when the employer cares more about the employee's job than the employee.
Doc, YOU need to CARE this time. YOU need to figure out what YOU are willing to DO to stay QUIT.
I have no idea what you are going through right now. I am ashamed and embarrassed for you. I cherish my quit. I stare down my addictive behavior every day. I still contact multiple quitters daily. When I'm funky (which I am right now), I reach out. I used to think that made me weak, but it takes balls to reach out. To tell a peer that you're hurting, or funky, or tempted, or just plain depressed....but, there I go again with my anthromorphoquittism again. Fuck, I hate that Bitch. She doesn't get to share my life with me anymore. Not Today. Fuck Her.
It is good to see you back. I and some others noticed your day 1. You need to post your cave explanation in June. They deserve it. You also need to post your plan. They need that too.
Vadge 799
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Wow, powerful story, thank you very much for sharing. You just kicked my quit (and awareness) up a notch. Very good reminder of why we addicts need to remind ourselves EVERY DAMN DAY by posting roll.
Stay quit this time brother. Keep posting roll.
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Welcome back. I came a little after you, and actually am a good friend to a couple in your group. I'm on day 400 which mean you would probably be around 450 or so. You wouldn't believe the difference in 150 and 400.
One thing caught my attention:
[/QUOTE]Plus, cigars barely have any nicotine in them anyway!
This ^^^ statement right here demonstrates part of your failure. This tells me you did very little reading on your addiction/nicotine. One cigar can contain as much nicotine as one pack of cigarettes. The nicotine enters through your saliva glands, just as chew does. As you have now found out one cigar can and will kill a quit quick.
Part of our addiction is believing we can control it. Get this in your head! You can't control this addiction. One is to many and 1000 will never be enough. This includes a CIGAR or anything else that contains the posion.
I recommend you read this time. Learn your addiction/nicotine. Learn your enemy it knows you. Need another number let me know.
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Thanks to everyone posting on here. I appreciate the support and I really appreciate the accountability. This site would mean nothing if it was all sunshine and roses any time some jackass decided to quit for a week. That is not me.
I let myself believe that I could become a non-addict. I now know that was a lie. I will never stop being an addict. The moment I let my guard down, that bitch will sneak in.
I woke up about an hour ago, on Day 5. Thank God the fog seems to be a little less today. It's still there though. I'm headed to work right now. I would normally have a fatty in my lip at this point in my day. That thought pops into my head about every 3 seconds, but I'm relearning a little fact my dad (quit smoking 7 years ago) always says: The urge is going to go away whether your body gets nicotine or not. Very wise words.
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Thanks to everyone posting on here. I appreciate the support and I really appreciate the accountability. This site would mean nothing if it was all sunshine and roses any time some jackass decided to quit for a week. That is not me.
I let myself believe that I could become a non-addict. I now know that was a lie. I will never stop being an addict. The moment I let my guard down, that bitch will sneak in.
I woke up about an hour ago, on Day 5. Thank God the fog seems to be a little less today. It's still there though. I'm headed to work right now. I would normally have a fatty in my lip at this point in my day. That thought pops into my head about every 3 seconds, but I'm relearning a little fact my dad (quit smoking 7 years ago) always says: The urge is going to go away whether your body gets nicotine or not. Very wise words.
Wise words indeed...now let's talk about Dayton and how OSU screwed me out of a Billion $.
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Well slug, you have clearly learned from your past and by sharing with us we have as well. Agreed stories like this are, although bad for you, good for us to hear. Thanks for your honesty and for fucks sake do it right this time!! Hell yea I will quit with ya!
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...now let's talk about Dayton and how OSU screwed me out of a Billion $.
I'm sure I'm not the BIGGEST Buckeyes fan in the world, but I'm pretty fanatical. So, here comes March Madness, and lo and behold I have two days off for the first two days of the tourney! I'm sitting in a sports bar with a good friend of mine, enjoying the game, forgetting how much quitting sucks for a short period of time. Do you know how much harder the quit gets when you are inside the first week and your team loses in the first round to fucking DAYTON? But I made it, and now, as far as I'm concerned, it's officially college football season.
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...now let's talk about Dayton and how OSU screwed me out of a Billion $.
I'm sure I'm not the BIGGEST Buckeyes fan in the world, but I'm pretty fanatical. So, here comes March Madness, and lo and behold I have two days off for the first two days of the tourney! I'm sitting in a sports bar with a good friend of mine, enjoying the game, forgetting how much quitting sucks for a short period of time. Do you know how much harder the quit gets when you are inside the first week and your team loses in the first round to fucking DAYTON? But I made it, and now, as far as I'm concerned, it's officially college football season.
Yeah try being a purdue/cubs fan...Purdue was last in both football and basketball this year in the Big ten...our baseball team is god awful...but hey we do have a helluva diving squad i hear...and the cubs...well they're the cubs...the only solace i have is that IU didn't make it in to anything and your buckeyes got beat by FUCKIN DAYTON!!!! HAHAHA...life is good...oh yeah quit on!
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As I come across awesome words of wisdom, I'm going to copy them here so I can re-read them. Great words here, courtesy of Skoal Monster and Ron_Cross
I learn so much for these caves! The reasons and circumstances all seem to repeat for so many people.Â
1. Failure to learn the basics of quit 101 will most certainly lead to a cave later on.
2. One problem + nicotine = two problems.
3. Alcohol is the biggest quit killer out there.
4. Failure to continue to post your promise every day whether you are 100 days quit or 1,000 days quit is a recipe for a cave.
5. length of quit is not related to strength of quit. Â
6. This is Chess.... not checkers, educate yourself
7. There is no just one.....ever
8. You are an addict.... no different than a heroin junkie
9. you will always be an addict
10. 100% of quitters that don't put nicotine in their body quit successfully
11. It's going to suck.......... until it doesn't..............and then it won't
And when the fog lifts and you understand how easy this quitting business really is you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. It's so simple. Embrace the suck, just give in to the fact that your going to suffer for awhile. It won't kill you despite what you think. A small amount of suffering is a reasonable price to pay to save your life I think? What about you?
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a little fact my dad (quit smoking 7 years ago) always says: The urge is going to go away whether your body gets nicotine or not. Very wise words.
Wise in deed, MPR.
Glad to quit with you.
QLF!
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a little fact my dad (quit smoking 7 years ago) always says: The urge is going to go away whether your body gets nicotine or not. Very wise words.
Wise in deed, MPR.
Glad to quit with you.
QLF!
That Mizzou Tiger looked so good on your thread, I had to do it again.
:D
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a little fact my dad (quit smoking 7 years ago) always says: The urge is going to go away whether your body gets nicotine or not. Very wise words.
Wise in deed, MPR.
Glad to quit with you.
QLF!
That Mizzou Tiger looked so good on your thread, I had to do it again.
:D
Point of fact: Although I was raised as a Buckeye and I bleed scarlet and grey, I did in fact graduate from Mizzou's CVM. Class of 2009! Dual allegiances are allowed, right?
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a little fact my dad (quit smoking 7 years ago) always says: The urge is going to go away whether your body gets nicotine or not. Very wise words.
Wise in deed, MPR.
Glad to quit with you.
QLF!
That Mizzou Tiger looked so good on your thread, I had to do it again.
:D
Point of fact: Although I was raised as a Buckeye and I bleed scarlet and grey, I did in fact graduate from Mizzou's CVM. Class of 2009! Dual allegiances are allowed, right?
You Bet Bro.
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Just a deep thought I was having while running errands with the family today. I posted it on June 2014 and copied and pasted here.
I'm on Day 6 today and the fog has started to lift. On the surface, this is a great thing. What I know from previous experience is, this is when the real battle begins. As each day gets easier and easier, each crave seems more sudden and more of a sucker punch. They seem to get stronger, but I think it's just because I'm feeling better the rest of the time compared to how these last few days have been. Here is an actual thought progression my addict brain had earlier today:
Man, I'm feeling great so far today! Beautiful day, out with the kids, hardly want a dip at all! Oh, dip…something I would normally be having right now. Oh well. Hey, this quit has been going really well. I'm so glad I decided to go back to KTC. It really makes it easier to quit when I'm making that promise and I have all those guys backing me up. You know, I could probably get away with having a dip at times when I'm feeling so good and one dip would increase that good feeling. Then I could just go back to being quit, because KTC makes it so easy!
FUCK ME IN MY STUPID FUCKING ADDICT BRAIN!!! Honest to God, I came so closeto punching myself in the face when that thought ran across my head. I wonder what my four year old would have thought as we were sitting in the car waiting for my wife, and daddy suddenly starts wailing on his face!Â
Guys, don't ever EVER let your guard down. This shit seems almost impossible at first, but then it gets easy. That's when that fucking Nic Bitch jumps out of the shadows and tries to rape your ass. Get your support group, get numbers, get as many people on board with you as possible. QLFEDD
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Getting ready to go to Springfield, MO with some friends to watch a drumline competition. It will be 3.5 hours of driving, and I'm nervous about it. Some thoughts I was having:
Going on a road trip this weekend with my daughters. If any of you are like me, driving long distances is one of the biggest triggers out there. Hours on the road with nothing to do. I'm dreading it. I'm getting prepared with plenty of gum, mints, sunflower seeds, and phone numbers of my fellow quitters. Those of you who have sent me your number, you might be getting a call Friday evening or Sunday, just a heads up :wub:
The other big tool in my quit kit is looking at my daughters in the back seat. I'm doing this for me, but I'm also doing this for them. One thing that steels my reserve during this quit more than anything else is thinking of those stories we have all (hopefully) read on here about good people who have been permanently disfigured or lost their lives while their loved ones sat by and watched helplessly. This dirty shit that we all used to shovel into our mouths frequently wants to KILL us, and in the most painful, gruesome way possible. Look at your families. Imagine them sitting by your hospital bed, unable to even look at you because you are missing half your face, or part of your tongue. That's enough for me. QLFEDD with all the June Bugs.
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Getting ready to go to Springfield, MO with some friends to watch a drumline competition. It will be 3.5 hours of driving, and I'm nervous about it. Some thoughts I was having:
Going on a road trip this weekend with my daughters. If any of you are like me, driving long distances is one of the biggest triggers out there. Hours on the road with nothing to do. I'm dreading it. I'm getting prepared with plenty of gum, mints, sunflower seeds, and phone numbers of my fellow quitters. Those of you who have sent me your number, you might be getting a call Friday evening or Sunday, just a heads up :wub:
The other big tool in my quit kit is looking at my daughters in the back seat. I'm doing this for me, but I'm also doing this for them. One thing that steels my reserve during this quit more than anything else is thinking of those stories we have all (hopefully) read on here about good people who have been permanently disfigured or lost their lives while their loved ones sat by and watched helplessly. This dirty shit that we all used to shovel into our mouths frequently wants to KILL us, and in the most painful, gruesome way possible. Look at your families. Imagine them sitting by your hospital bed, unable to even look at you because you are missing half your face, or part of your tongue. That's enough for me. QLFEDD with all the June Bugs.
you got the tools from the sounds of it now just be ready to pull the trigger if you need to. you have about 14000+ peeps in the car with you if you want them to be there. you have been putting in the work and practice now this is your live fire run. I know its easier said then done but try to relax and enjoy the moment.
PM me if you need another number.
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I'm right there with you today MPR! Ping me if you need another number....I'll ride along on that drive via the phone. Look in the mirror and tell the guy looking back that he did it right today.
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Getting ready to go to Springfield, MO with some friends to watch a drumline competition. It will be 3.5 hours of driving, and I'm nervous about it. Some thoughts I was having:
Going on a road trip this weekend with my daughters. If any of you are like me, driving long distances is one of the biggest triggers out there. Hours on the road with nothing to do. I'm dreading it. I'm getting prepared with plenty of gum, mints, sunflower seeds, and phone numbers of my fellow quitters. Those of you who have sent me your number, you might be getting a call Friday evening or Sunday, just a heads up :wub:
The other big tool in my quit kit is looking at my daughters in the back seat. I'm doing this for me, but I'm also doing this for them. One thing that steels my reserve during this quit more than anything else is thinking of those stories we have all (hopefully) read on here about good people who have been permanently disfigured or lost their lives while their loved ones sat by and watched helplessly. This dirty shit that we all used to shovel into our mouths frequently wants to KILL us, and in the most painful, gruesome way possible. Look at your families. Imagine them sitting by your hospital bed, unable to even look at you because you are missing half your face, or part of your tongue. That's enough for me. QLFEDD with all the June Bugs.
I remember a great road trip to Springfield MO, when I was in my mid 20s; a buddy and I just had to go to Bass Pro Shops and to nearest one was Springfield, MO. We left St. Louis early on a Saturday morning with the truck loaded with fishing gear and all the tobacco two addicts would need. About half way there my dipshit buddy decides that he is gonna chew looseleaf. Dumbshit, get some Redman plug, proceeds to pack a cheek full...then like clockwork 45 minutes down the road he is greener than the bag, as I pull over to the shoulder he decides to call dinosaurs with his head hanging out the window of the truck while we are moving at least 85 MPH.
Once he finishes I let him know that he needs to wash my truck at the next stop.
The funny part of all that is if that happened today I would leave his ass along the shoulder of the road for puking on my new truck.
Stay quit stop by Wal-Mart or a Casey's General store and pick up some Smokey mountain for the trip as well as some cinnamon candies and enjoy the beautiful Missouri spring roadside beauty.
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Why haven't you posted roll. Did you trip, fall and land on the nic bitches dick. You told me in an earlier message you could be lazy as fuck. Don't be lazy, don't kill yourself. Come back to Ktc or Die your choice.
EC Dad
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Why haven't you posted roll. Did you trip, fall and land on the nic bitches dick. You told me in an earlier message you could be lazy as fuck. Don't be lazy, don't kill yourself. Come back to Ktc or Die your choice.
EC Dad
Mpr, we're here to help you but you gotta help yourself first.
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Why haven't you posted roll. Did you trip, fall and land on the nic bitches dick. You told me in an earlier message you could be lazy as fuck. Don't be lazy, don't kill yourself. Come back to Ktc or Die your choice.
EC Dad
Mpr, we're here to help you but you gotta help yourself first.
Vadge shakes head and walks out of this lonely room.......
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Welcome back MPR. Let's put all that shit behind us and get our quit on! You've got my number if you need me.
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Congrats on reaching the HOF. Now lets do another hundred ODAAT.
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Congrats on HOF MPR! You've got my number and you know I'm here for you all the way through 200, one day at a time.
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Congrats on HOF MPR! You've got my number and you know I'm here for you all the way through 200, one day at a time.
A great accomplishment on the 100 and the first lap,
I hope you truly celebrated this
and then move forward to the next one
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Made it to 100 for the second time. I'm not letting myself forget that this is my second time through this. Have to say, I hit a bit of a funk in the mid to 3/4 way. I think I was about to have a planned cave. Screw that, I'm in this for good, one day at a time.
Here's a little article that is a nice reminder of what we are all going through!
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-i- ... ars-sober/ (http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-i-learned-about-addiction-after-5-years-sober/)
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Made it to 100 for the second time. I'm not letting myself forget that this is my second time through this. Have to say, I hit a bit of a funk in the mid to 3/4 way. I think I was about to have a planned cave. Screw that, I'm in this for good, one day at a time.
Here's a little article that is a nice reminder of what we are all going through!
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-i- ... ars-sober/ (http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-i-learned-about-addiction-after-5-years-sober/)
take your quit to another level bro -
foster a newb
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Made it to 100 for the second time. I'm not letting myself forget that this is my second time through this. Have to say, I hit a bit of a funk in the mid to 3/4 way. I think I was about to have a planned cave. Screw that, I'm in this for good, one day at a time.
Here's a little article that is a nice reminder of what we are all going through!
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-i- ... ars-sober/ (http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-i-learned-about-addiction-after-5-years-sober/)
take your quit to another level bro -
foster a newb
Dont tell me you "think you were going to have a planned cave" back at the 3/4 mark.
Man the hell up today. You have hit HOF. So are you all in today? You have to answer that question my friend.
I can tell you this... I am all in today. I posted roll and I will keep my word today.
O-H!