KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: Michael_D on July 17, 2016, 03:05:00 PM
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Almost 30 years dipping. Almost 1 can Cope/day now.
Told wife I quit about 4-5 years ago. Have been hiding it.
I want to get my life in order with not hiding things, especially since I would try to hide drinking until I quit it 3 years ago. Every 2-3 years before that I'd binge drink and be caught and trust would be smashed.
Now ... as I want to work so hard on avoiding shame and be honest about life and such, I realize that the nicotine is what allowed me to absorb and stuff and endure stressful thing in my life. I forgot how to deal with life as an adult.
I NEED to get rid of this thing sitting here in my lip right now. It WILL prevent me from being the ME that my wife and family wanted and thought they had.
I am kicked out of the house. I am starting therapy.
I KNOW I need to quit. Should I reveal that I've been lying about this most essential thing so they understand my anxiety, or should I try to quit privately as I go through therapy and try to save my marriage?
To tell or not to tell...?
Michael_D
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Hi Michael D
Welcome to the site! In my reading experience, ninja quitting never works. We have had a few chats the last couple days about this actually so you are not alone. When you try to hide your quit here on the site, you give up so much that the site has to offer. Often when you are on site reading hall of fame or words of wisdom or reading your quit group, you will jump off the site when someone comes in the room, you won't exchange phone numbers with brothers of quit, you will and maybe only post roll and leave never to partake in any of the forum. You are leaving 90% of the system behind. Your call really.
I know coming clean sucks. If you have to, you have to. Would you rather your wife and family be mad at you for ever for lying or love you until you die of cancer? Or how are you going to explain a missing jaw if you don't go full force and start dipping again? You can't "Hide" that. Once again, it's your call.
There is really no way to hide a quit. You are going to get a little cranky or bitchy. Maybe a lot. There is no hiding that and you will need a good reason for it, not an excuse. And remember if you do get cranky, it is not their fault. You can't treat them or anyone like shit because you packed your face full of cat shit for so long. It's all on you. Now it is up to you to man up and do the right thing and quit. Not stop, but quit!
I just read a post a minute ago from a fella who said he read everything here and the system sound like work and is a pain in the ass. Hmm Interesting. And ones wife and or family planning a funeral for a loved one who never quit is not a pain in the ass? I read another post that said a guys wife said his bitchyness was not worth him being quit and he needed to go buy a tin. That my friend is a couple fine examples of addict thinking at it's finest.
Here are a few suggestions to get you started.
1. Post roll daily! This is your promise to yourself and your quit group that you will not use any nic at all today.
2. Exchange numbers with your brothers of quit. They may be your lifeline in a cave situation. I know, numbers exchanging with strangers, no thanks. WRONG! Them are the ones who cave every single time.
3.Drink LOTS of water and if you drink alcohol, drop it for now.
4. exercise until you are blue in the face.
5. Drink an ass load of water. 3 days the nic is flushed from your body then its all mental after that.
6. Read everything on this site you can possibly read. When you are done, do it again.
7. This might be the most important one... REMEMBER THE SUCK!! Do you ever want to live through another shitty ass day 1 ever again? Of course not! So don't forget it!
That is it in a nut shell. You badly need to get to know your quit group folks and others quickly. If you post and ghost, Mmmmmm not good. Join in and get everything we have to offer. There are loads of bad ass quitters here to help. You are not alone and your story is not unique at all. Countless others have been there and they are here and doing fine. So come on in and grab a drink of the kool aid! it tastes great! The flavor today is called Freedom!!!
Your quit group: topic/11679548/132/ (http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/11679548/132/)
How to post roll: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmDgTPJ6HyM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmDgTPJ6HyM)
Take care man and jump on that roll!
Ray 305
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Thank you, Ray.
I confessed it to my best friend and he agrees that I should quit as soon as possible. Now is the time to come clean.
I worry about anxiety and how it will affect my own impending therapy/counselling. In other words, will my anxiety from withdrawal cause me to say, do, or think things that will kill the restoration of the marriage.
Still, would be worse in future if I tried ninja quitting.
I will set my quit date this week, the earlier the better, and just in here starting today.
Michael
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Thank you, Ray.
I confessed it to my best friend and he agrees that I should quit as soon as possible. Now is the time to come clean.
I worry about anxiety and how it will affect my own impending therapy/counselling. In other words, will my anxiety from withdrawal cause me to say, do, or think things that will kill the restoration of the marriage.
Still, would be worse in future if I tried ninja quitting.
I will set my quit date this week, the earlier the better, and just in here starting today.
Michael
You are going to get a tad cranky maybe. My wife actually said I was not bad. However, I had valium on board as well. I can't see it MAKING you say anything damaging. You have a choice say it or not. Remember, they did not do this to you, you did. it is not their fault. You have the power to refrain from verbal abuse.
I have quoted this before and I will one more time. "What it lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do." Aristotle
Great quote that pretty much sums it all up on one.
And quit dates, Mmmmm they rarely to never work. I have lived it over and over for years. I have saw it first hand here day after day post after post. Very rarely does someone come in and want to quit and offers up a quit date that we actually see come back. There is no better time than now. Why continue to poison your self even just for another day or two? Poison is poison right?
In the end it is your call. I hope to see you on roll and fighting the good fight. Your life is worth it. Once you make that decision to jump in, Im on board with you. I'll support edd!
Take care.
Ray
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Micheal be a man, sack up tell your wife, what a scumbag you've been for lying to her but you want a clean slate and this is it you're done because you have help! Quit today and post roll ! We've waited years, each one of us, for tomorrow, my tomorrow came 38 years of wasted life! It's up to you but you better make sure you wanna quit because this shots not easy! Done for now post more later if you post roll! Price of advice my friend and remember we all know what you're fixing to go through!
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Come clean. After the initial shock, the weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders.
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Tell your wife. Be a man. Be honest with her and yourself. Welcome to freedom.
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I realize that the nicotine is what allowed me to absorb and stuff and endure stressful thing in my life. I forgot how to deal with life as an adult.
This is what will keep you from quitting. Fock your fear of your wife.
If you think you could not have dealt with life without nicotine, then you probably will run back to nicotine at the first stressful thing that happens.
What makes you think you can deal with life without nicotine now? You couldn't do it for the past 30 years. What's changed?
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I realize that the nicotine is what allowed me to absorb and stuff and endure stressful thing in my life. I forgot how to deal with life as an adult.
This is what will keep you from quitting. Fock your fear of your wife.
If you think you could not have dealt with life without nicotine, then you probably will run back to nicotine at the first stressful thing that happens.
What makes you think you can deal with life without nicotine now? You couldn't do it for the past 30 years. What's changed?
You have to learn to live life on life's terms. Plain and simple.
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I realize that the nicotine is what allowed me to absorb and stuff and endure stressful thing in my life. I forgot how to deal with life as an adult.
This is what will keep you from quitting. Fock your fear of your wife.
If you think you could not have dealt with life without nicotine, then you probably will run back to nicotine at the first stressful thing that happens.
What makes you think you can deal with life without nicotine now? You couldn't do it for the past 30 years. What's changed?
Tell her bro. Your fear is of letting her down, again, and really just disappointing yourself is your real fear. Wrap your mind around that YOU want to quit. What she thinks is awesome but ultimately doesn't matter jack shit for you quitting. She loves you either way. We, however, don't ... yet. Tell her about your quit, your feelings, this site, and how much accountability you're building here. It's the only way that works. This site is a bat shit crazy experiment that just works. Accountability from strangers is better than atta boys from loved ones. Get some Michael. We will support you when you help yourself. Jump in brother.
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You have to tell her. It will come out eventually and it's better to frame it on your terms, rather than scramble for an excuse. Just air out the laundry man.
Also, and more importantly, QUIT NOW! Seriously?! Don't come here with a fatty in, talking about how you need to quit, will be quitting, want to quit. Every single one of us has sung that tune before and can see right through it.
Go post roll with October, start eating sunflower seeds by the fistfull, chug some water and get to work.
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Day 2, no post.
Moving on. Duly noted.
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I quit today. Am just trying to find the directions to review about posting.
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Posted roll.
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Posted roll.
Nicely done Michael. Get to know your fellow quitters. You won't regret it. I know it seems difficult to put yourself out there, but it is the only way to give KTC your best shot. The more people on your team, the less likely you will be to let all of them down.
Commit to this thing 100% and you will never have to go through the worst of it ever again. You can do this, just make your promise and keep your promise every single day.
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Welcome Mike. We have so many similarities, it's scary.
My name is Michael D
I hid my drinking problem. Quit April last year.
I hid my nic use.
Now if you don't change your lying ways, what happens next is divorce, job loss, and bankruptcy. You'll see your kids (if you have any) every other weekend and you'll get to experience regret so strong, it'll make you sick. Literally.
Something times we just have to hit bottom before we realize the truth about ourselves.
Be the man you're capable of being. Not perfect. But honest. Recognize your weaknesses and admit them. Your not going to be hated for trusting somebody enough to be honest. You will be hated for lying. She'll always question what she knows about you. Nobody is perfect and if you're portraying yourself as perfect, then it's up to others to figure out what is wrong with you. Maybe you cheated on her too. Where does she draw the line in forming her own conclusions?
You are human. If you love her, show it by being honest going forward. Let her know you are sorry to be a disappointment and that you would like her help in making you better.
Congrats on the day 1 man. Smart move. Don't worry about what might happen or what you might say. Just focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be.
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Cornholio - That was amazingly pertinent, rather like a custom-formed 2x4 to the forehead, abs, and dangly bits.
Right up my alley (and situation).
Quit yesterday and then came clean with every lie I could remember or that had been weighing me down with daily guilt (e.g. dipping).
Yeah, day 1 of being honest too. I can count them together now.
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Good for you man. It's hard being honest. I've spent countless hours researching and learning why I was a consummate liar. IDK if I will ever really understand it.
What I DO know though, is being an honest person is overall very rewarding. It took starting every day with a reminder to myself that I had to be honest that day...with myself and those around me.
At first being honest felt uncomfortable and awkward.
But you know that feeling of losing a 1,000lbs off your shoulder? Feels great. And there are sooo many issues that are weighing you down, it's sickening. I know because we seem to be the same. That weight is holding you back. It's making you unhealthy and taking years off your life. You are unable to experience true connections with people because you are hiding behind a cloak of lies. Your entire existence is a lie. Isn't that a shame? What a waste of a life.
The more you are honest, the more comfortable it becomes. The more you'll see how much people really appreciate it. You'll be happier and more confident. You have to love yourself before loving anyone else. We all do shit to be embarrassed over. Holding that stuff inside is exactly where it stays forever. We need to set it free to move on. And if you have a partner in life that wants to move on with you, all the better. The more you "give in" and seek for forgiveness or help, the more they become invested in you. Most of us have that inner desire to help others. It makes US feel good to help somebody. For guys...it's normally offering suggestions and ideas to peoples problems. For women, it's normally providing a safe place to talk about them, listen, and simply offer love and support. The more you give others the opportunity to do that, the more invested in you they become. It's odd, but very effective.
I really appreciate the opportunity to give you advise. I have been there and I've done that. It sucked hairy assholes. I appreciate that you are receptive to what I have said. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
Rock on
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Welcome Mike. We have so many similarities, it's scary.
My name is Michael D
I hid my drinking problem. Quit April last year.
I hid my nic use.
Now if you don't change your lying ways, what happens next is divorce, job loss, and bankruptcy. You'll see your kids (if you have any) every other weekend and you'll get to experience regret so strong, it'll make you sick. Literally.
Something times we just have to hit bottom before we realize the truth about ourselves.
Be the man you're capable of being. Not perfect. But honest. Recognize your weaknesses and admit them. Your not going to be hated for trusting somebody enough to be honest. You will be hated for lying. She'll always question what she knows about you. Nobody is perfect and if you're portraying yourself as perfect, then it's up to others to figure out what is wrong with you. Maybe you cheated on her too. Where does she draw the line in forming her own conclusions?
You are human. If you love her, show it by being honest going forward. Let her know you are sorry to be a disappointment and that you would like her help in making you better.
Congrats on the day 1 man. Smart move. Don't worry about what might happen or what you might say. Just focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be.
I have absolutely nothing pertinent to add to this other than just wanting to to say,
I too am yet another Michael D! Michael David
Mike1966 for short
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I wanted to add something. I did cheat on my wife. Completely self destructed from that. I punished myself big time for it. If only I was honest with her about it. Who knows where I would be today. Instead I became an alcoholic and drug user to escape from my own misery. I lost interest in my job and lost it for doing retarded things that I know would get me fired when caught. I thought telling my wife that I cheated on her would be impossible to do and the repercussion for that would be unbearable. Man, was I ever wrong. The repercussion from holding that kind of shit inside is WAY more destructive. I would give anything to have a redo.
Just one of those things we hear, but don't accept. "Honesty is the best policy" or 'Honesty is the glue that holds a marriage together." Yeah...right, I thought. Telling her I am a drug addict will hold my marriage together? no way. Telling her I am a cheater? No fucking way will that help the marriage. But I was dead wrong. And if you think about it at a deeper level, those issues are there regardless if she knows about them or not. YOU know about them and it's something that exists in the relationship either way. It effects how much your available, how much you contribute, how much you work to make the marriage stronger. They ultimately tear the marriage apart anyway. Being upfront about them might tear the marriage apart. Maybe. But normally they don't. The odds are much much higher that we GROW and get BETTER instead.
I met this wonderful women a couple years ago. She is the shit. I was still struggling with divorce and job loss early in our relationship. I was using alcohol to deal with those issues. I became an all day drunk in no time starting with vodka in my coffee, a bottle stashed in the house, and one in my car. At my peak, I had to drink in the middle of the night to stave off panic attacks. I was a hot mess. That's when my honesty started. I told her what was happening. Did she leave me? no. She listened and offered love and support. She let me talk myself to the point of finding my own answers. That really opened the truth can for me. I honestly felt she loved me more because I approached her with it. That really does show a special level of trust and love just doing that. I think they know that. Most people understand that at the deepest level. If you share crap like that, they see it as though you trust them with your darkest secrets. That's pretty damn cool.
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Welcome Mike. We have so many similarities, it's scary.
My name is Michael D
I hid my drinking problem. Quit April last year.
I hid my nic use.
Now if you don't change your lying ways, what happens next is divorce, job loss, and bankruptcy. You'll see your kids (if you have any) every other weekend and you'll get to experience regret so strong, it'll make you sick. Literally.
Something times we just have to hit bottom before we realize the truth about ourselves.
Be the man you're capable of being. Not perfect. But honest. Recognize your weaknesses and admit them. Your not going to be hated for trusting somebody enough to be honest. You will be hated for lying. She'll always question what she knows about you. Nobody is perfect and if you're portraying yourself as perfect, then it's up to others to figure out what is wrong with you. Maybe you cheated on her too. Where does she draw the line in forming her own conclusions?
You are human. If you love her, show it by being honest going forward. Let her know you are sorry to be a disappointment and that you would like her help in making you better.
Congrats on the day 1 man. Smart move. Don't worry about what might happen or what you might say. Just focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be.
I have absolutely nothing pertinent to add to this other than just wanting to to say,
I too am yet another Michael D! Michael David
Mike1966 for short
Well shit then. Let's just make this the Mike D forum!
Pretty close on years too. I'm 1967.