KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: StrongChair on September 21, 2012, 05:47:00 PM
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Yesterday was my last first day.
For the last 10 years I have been an addict. I'm not sure when I realized that I was, but it was not 10 years ago, it was not even 5 years ago. Once I realized that I was an addict, it was way tougher to want to stop. How can an addict win, right? I feel like a lonely addict too. I'm in NYC and don't know of anyone that dips, but the bodegas and street stands carry the cr*p (heaven forbid they run out of my Skoal Pouches), so someone must. Many times when I was in the depths of despair and self loathing the Joan Jett song would play in my head and I would hear, "I hate myself for loving you. I can't break free from the things that you do. I want to walk, but I run back to you, I hate my self for loving you." It is scary how much of my life has been taken away from me.
I started with Skoal Mint for several years, but things really went downhill two years ago when I started using the pouches. I thought that it would be way better for me because it seemed a step less disgusting, but boy was I wrong. Instead of only dipping in the evening and on weekends, I could now do it all day at my desk which is right between two other guys who I imagine (maybe fool myself into thinking) have no idea that I am consumed with the nic b*tch. I was going through almost a tin every day and a half. I have stopped several times before ranging in length from a day to a couple of months. I know all about the triggers and how fast I can cave. Every time I quit and then started again, it was harder to quit in the future. The last several times I quit I felt that it is now or never. I hadn't thought of quitting in probably a year. It is like I had given up.
My wife smelled it on my breath again on Sunday. She is so hurt that it hurts me. I hate hurting her even if I don't seem to care about hurting myself.
I say now: "This is over."
I am quitting because I want to.
I am tired of lying to my wife and not kissing her or speaking too close to her because I am afraid that she will smell it on me and be angry. I am tired of finishing a thought when we are talking and imagining her response will be, "Did you have a dip today?" I am tired of lying to her. A Dip? A DIP? If only you knew. It makes me feel so isolated and I am tired of it. I want to want to kiss her and talk to her like a husband and wife do.
I am quitting because I now have a hemorrhoid (for the second time). I know quitting won't prevent this, but not quitting will keep me in the can and keep producing ass pain.
I am quitting because I always said I would and now is the time. It is time to man up. I've got a son on the way in November and I want to see him grow old. I will no longer be me, I will be someone's dad and I want that someone to have a dad.
I am quitting because F*CK THIS S#IT! I don't have to be a victim of my own bad decisions anymore.
I believe that I am quit because I found this site. Over the last two days I have read the support offered and the tales of horror and heartbreak. I want and believe in that support and I don't want to be one of the sad stories. I am crying as I write this because I feel your support. I haven't even done anything on this board except post roll for two days and I already feel like I am a stronger person for being here.
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Yesterday was my last first day.
For the last 10 years I have been an addict. I'm not sure when I realized that I was, but it was not 10 years ago, it was not even 5 years ago. Once I realized that I was an addict, it was way tougher to want to stop. How can an addict win, right? I feel like a lonely addict too. I'm in NYC and don't know of anyone that dips, but the bodegas and street stands carry the cr*p (heaven forbid they run out of my Skoal Pouches), so someone must. Many times when I was in the depths of despair and self loathing the Joan Jett song would play in my head and I would hear, "I hate myself for loving you. I can't break free from the things that you do. I want to walk, but I run back to you, I hate my self for loving you." It is scary how much of my life has been taken away from me.
I started with Skoal Mint for several years, but things really went downhill two years ago when I started using the pouches. I thought that it would be way better for me because it seemed a step less disgusting, but boy was I wrong. Instead of only dipping in the evening and on weekends, I could now do it all day at my desk which is right between two other guys who I imagine (maybe fool myself into thinking) have no idea that I am consumed with the nic b*tch. I was going through almost a tin every day and a half. I have stopped several times before ranging in length from a day to a couple of months. I know all about the triggers and how fast I can cave. Every time I quit and then started again, it was harder to quit in the future. The last several times I quit I felt that it is now or never. I hadn't thought of quitting in probably a year. It is like I had given up.
My wife smelled it on my breath again on Sunday. She is so hurt that it hurts me. I hate hurting her even if I don't seem to care about hurting myself.
I say now: "This is over."
I am quitting because I want to.
I am tired of lying to my wife and not kissing her or speaking too close to her because I am afraid that she will smell it on me and be angry. I am tired of finishing a thought when we are talking and imagining her response will be, "Did you have a dip today?" I am tired of lying to her. A Dip? A DIP? If only you knew. It makes me feel so isolated and I am tired of it. I want to want to kiss her and talk to her like a husband and wife do.
I am quitting because I now have a hemorrhoid (for the second time). I know quitting won't prevent this, but not quitting will keep me in the can and keep producing ass pain.
I am quitting because I always said I would and now is the time. It is time to man up. I've got a son on the way in November and I want to see him grow old. I will no longer be me, I will be someone's dad and I want that someone to have a dad.
I am quitting because F*CK THIS S#IT! I don't have to be a victim of my own bad decisions anymore.
I believe that I am quit because I found this site. Over the last two days I have read the support offered and the tales of horror and heartbreak. I want and believe in that support and I don't want to be one of the sad stories. I am crying as I write this because I feel your support. I haven't even done anything on this board except post roll for two days and I already feel like I am a stronger person for being here.
I like this post.
Strong....you and I are gonna get to be good friends I do believe. Click the link in my signature for some help getting started.
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Well one thing being the lonely dipper gives to time to do is think.
Other stuff I forgot to mention:
I'm:
1) 36 years old
2) married to the most wonderful woman in the world. (sorry guys, I've got her)
3) a UNC grad and diehard college hoops fan
4) living in Brooklyn but wantin to move to Austin. Been in NYC for 14 years.
5) from Philadelphia originally
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Well one thing being the lonely dipper gives to time to do is think.
Other stuff I forgot to mention:
I'm:
1) 36 years old
2) married to the most wonderful woman in the world. (sorry guys, I've got her)
3) a UNC grad and diehard college hoops fan
4) living in Brooklyn but wantin to move to Austin. Been in NYC for 14 years.
5) from Philadelphia originally
Well my friend, get ready for the fight of your life, as you will have highs and lows. You will have whispers in your ears from the nic bitch asking you to come back which in turn you need to tell her to piss off.
Be strong and from on 'close to Philly' man to another, I quit with you today....PM me if you need anything.
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Well one thing being the lonely dipper gives to time to do is think.
Other stuff I forgot to mention:
I'm:
1) 36 years old
2) married to the most wonderful woman in the world. (sorry guys, I've got her)
3) a UNC grad and diehard college hoops fan
4) living in Brooklyn but wantin to move to Austin. Been in NYC for 14 years.
5) from Philadelphia originally
Well my friend, get ready for the fight of your life, as you will have highs and lows. You will have whispers in your ears from the nic bitch asking you to come back which in turn you need to tell her to piss off.
Be strong and from on 'close to Philly' man to another, I quit with you today....PM me if you need anything.
If you truly want to quit and will follow the advice you get here and drink deep of the quit koolaid you can do it one day at a time! Check your inbox.
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good luck man...I QUIT with you.....
by the looks of it you'll have no problem dropping the pouches!
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Well one thing being the lonely dipper gives to time to do is think.
Other stuff I forgot to mention:
I'm:
1) 36 years old
2) married to the most wonderful woman in the world. (sorry guys, I've got her)
3) a UNC grad and diehard college hoops fan
4) living in Brooklyn but wantin to move to Austin. Been in NYC for 14 years.
5) from Philadelphia originally
Well my friend, get ready for the fight of your life, as you will have highs and lows. You will have whispers in your ears from the nic bitch asking you to come back which in turn you need to tell her to piss off.
Be strong and from on 'close to Philly' man to another, I quit with you today....PM me if you need anything.
Strong, SirDerek and I have your back. There's a whole lotta southerners that can relate on here. Northerners have different challenges. One of the best things for me was essentially coming out about my use and my addiction. Not just to my wife, because she has always been supportive of my efforts, but to everyone. You'll have your own experience, but for me, finally letting go, finally acknowledging the addiction versus the habit, was liberating. You'll find more often than not, people will not only be understanding, but supportive to varying levels. That feels good.
Stay quit with me. You can do it. Use this site to its fullest. Chatting on live chat my first week saved me.
Well one thing being the lonely dipper gives to time to do is think.
Other stuff I forgot to mention:
I'm:
1) 36 years old
2) married to the most wonderful woman in the world. (sorry guys, I've got her)
3) a UNC grad and diehard college hoops fan
4) living in Brooklyn but wantin to move to Austin. Been in NYC for 14 years.
5) from Philadelphia originally
Well my friend, get ready for the fight of your life, as you will have highs and lows. You will have whispers in your ears from the nic bitch asking you to come back which in turn you need to tell her to piss off.
Be strong and from on 'close to Philly' man to another, I quit with you today....PM me if you need anything.
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Tarhole or not, you're still a quit brother. It's going to be a hell of an upset today! Go Pirates!!
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StrongChair,
Stay strong! I too was a dipper of the little pouches of evil. I, like you will never be a dipper of the little pouches of evil AGAIN! The first week sucks, if you need us PM us, any of us! reach out to your December brothers and we can give you support. I am quit with you today!
oh, and 'go Ducks'!
Dozer
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I was just pm'ing with one of you guys and I was discussing isolation. I said this to him:
I recently completed the MBA program at NYU. Networking and creating bonds and friendships with the other students is one of the main goals, yet when people would go out for drinks I would cry off claiming that I had work to do. The upside was that I got good grades because I was always doing work, but it was so that I could feed my addiction. I would sit alone hoping that no one talked to me as I cut off the world.
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Tarhole or not, you're still a quit brother. It's going to be a hell of an upset today! Go Pirates!!
I always thought Tarhole was an awesome insult. I wouldn't be surprised if you guys did pull off the upset.
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For some reason for me a major trigger is having to drop a deuce. When I have tried to stop in the past, more often than not the urge to go was what foiled me. Usually the urge will be so strong I'll be trying to stuff the cr@p in my mouth before I poop my pants. (To what end, right?). Anyway this morning it happened. I think I could have made it anyway, but I got some of the herbal stuff in the mail last night so I popped some of that and I gotta say, it relieved the urge ... to dip, not to poop.
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Stay strong bud...I too am new to this site and the idea of actually being accountable.
My father was a AA'er and he learned that you have to take it "one day at a time." Living in the reality of ODAT; we do realize that we are indeed addicts.
I am now 11 days in and realize that I have lost a friend. That "friendship" was totally one-sided; chew only "took" from me, and never "gave" back anything! Nothing but shrinking gums and chew in my teeth...
One day at a time
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Here's a question WRT to Wellbutrin or other drugs. I know that I am predisposed to anxiety, how to you get the prescription? I have a physical scheduled Nov. 1, which was when I went last year and since the insurance company covers 1 physical per year it won't be sooner. It's also a bit of a PITA to get to the doctor - I have to leave work early and it's not close. Will a doctor write a prescription without an office visit? What is the best one to request? Are there any side-effects?
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Here's a question WRT to Wellbutrin or other drugs. I know that I am predisposed to anxiety, how to you get the prescription? I have a physical scheduled Nov. 1, which was when I went last year and since the insurance company covers 1 physical per year it won't be sooner. It's also a bit of a PITA to get to the doctor - I have to leave work early and it's not close. Will a doctor write a prescription without an office visit? What is the best one to request? Are there any side-effects?
go ask this question in your group and Sept, Oct, Nov. I think you'll get it answered!
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Here's a question WRT to Wellbutrin or other drugs. I know that I am predisposed to anxiety, how to you get the prescription? I have a physical scheduled Nov. 1, which was when I went last year and since the insurance company covers 1 physical per year it won't be sooner. It's also a bit of a PITA to get to the doctor - I have to leave work early and it's not close. Will a doctor write a prescription without an office visit? What is the best one to request? Are there any side-effects?
go ask this question in your group and Sept, Oct, Nov. I think you'll get it answered!
Where is the correct spot to ask a question of you group or other groups?
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Here's a question WRT to Wellbutrin or other drugs. I know that I am predisposed to anxiety, how to you get the prescription? I have a physical scheduled Nov. 1, which was when I went last year and since the insurance company covers 1 physical per year it won't be sooner. It's also a bit of a PITA to get to the doctor - I have to leave work early and it's not close. Will a doctor write a prescription without an office visit? What is the best one to request? Are there any side-effects?
go ask this question in your group and Sept, Oct, Nov. I think you'll get it answered!
Where is the correct spot to ask a question of you group or other groups?
Just post a reply in any group - its not just for posting roll