KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum

Community => Introductions => Topic started by: kenjames on January 20, 2018, 05:33:00 PM

Title: New member
Post by: kenjames on January 20, 2018, 05:33:00 PM
Hi. I'm 42 years old and quit dipping the afternoon of Jan 17th. The first words to my wife were "I think I'm getting a cold, I feel off"

It started snowing early and by lunchtime we had a good 2 inches on the driveway. I was also out of dip. I work from home and have a flexible schedule so I went out to clear the driveway and get some more. My average was 1 tin a day. On really bad days it was more. I couldn't get the darn snowblower to work - it was the first time I tried to use it this season and threw a MASSIVE FIT. I decided to get back to my desk and continue work. I'll get it later.

At the end of the day the cold hit me. I was really ill. Not a sinus problem. This feels like flu. :( No energy, even to get more precious dip. The next morning I felt worse. Fever. Body aches. A fantastic idea popped into my head " You've been meaning to quit and you feel so bad right now I bet you won't even notice the withdrawal."

And here I am!

I got some medicine from the doctor and am starting to feel better but am committed to quitting.

History:

Been hooked on nicotine since I was 14 or 15. It started with dip. Back in those days it was pretty easy to buy dip or cigarettes as a minor. The laws were introduced just about when I turned 18 :|

Around 17 years old a friend told me that dip is gross, girls won't like it, and that I should try cigarettes. So I did. It was more socially acceptable and I got my fix. So I smoked and I smoked and I smoked.

Over the years I quit a few times, sometimes a week, a month, once for two years (divorce got me going again)

I had sinus surgery when I was around 36 (maybe from all the smoking????) and the recovery was terrible. I decided to not smoke anymore and chose to dip again. How stupid. Did it slowly at first and it would take a week or so to get through a tin. But after a few months I got up to one tin/day.

I was seeing a dentist regularly until 38. (I always hated the dentist and still have childhood fears of them!) I've been too afraid because of the dipping. I know I have two bad cavities that need to be addressed and have known about them I knew about them since my last visit 4 years ago.

Today I got the courage to closely examine my lower teeth and gums. They are disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I am filled with anxiety about returning to dentist.

Wish me luck. Since I'm still pretty ill I have no desire to dip and remain hopeful this disposition continues once I am back to normal.
Title: Re: New member
Post by: Morgan on January 20, 2018, 07:01:00 PM
Hey kenjames

Welcome to KTC! Glad to see you jumped right in to our April '18 group. Great job on posting roll, just remember that is your promise not to use nicotine for today, keep that promise today and when tomorrow comes rinse and repeat.

There is a lot of quit knowledge here, take some time read things over.

I just sent you a PM (top right corner)
Title: Re: New member
Post by: kenjames on January 22, 2018, 01:40:00 PM
I started feeling a little better from illness Saturday and have been slowly improving. I'm now on day 5 and woke with confidence. Today is my first day back at work since I quit and the urges have become extremely challenging. At one point this morning I thought "F-it, just get one tin. Who cares. No harm."

Well, it looks like I'm already drinking the Kool-Aid because I then reminded myself that I put myself on roll call today. I made a promise and can't break it. Tomorrow morning if I still want to ruin my life, fine, but not today buckarroo. Thanks you all.
Title: Re: New member
Post by: canofbeans on January 22, 2018, 01:44:00 PM
Quote from: kenjames
I started feeling a little better from illness Saturday and have been slowly improving. I'm now on day 5 and woke with confidence. Today is my first day back at work since I quit and the urges have become extremely challenging. At one point this morning I thought "F-it, just get one tin. Who cares. No harm."

Well, it looks like I'm already drinking the Kool-Aid because I then reminded myself that I put myself on roll call today. I made a promise and can't break it. Tomorrow morning if I still want to ruin my life, fine, but not today buckarroo. Thanks you all.
Awesome win, keep it up! Have you exchanged numbers with anyone to help add another layer of accountability?
Title: Re: New member
Post by: DonkeyMN on January 22, 2018, 01:45:00 PM
Quote from: kenjames
I started feeling a little better from illness Saturday and have been slowly improving. I'm now on day 5 and woke with confidence. Today is my first day back at work since I quit and the urges have become extremely challenging. At one point this morning I thought "F-it, just get one tin. Who cares. No harm."

Well, it looks like I'm already drinking the Kool-Aid because I then reminded myself that I put myself on roll call today. I made a promise and can't break it. Tomorrow morning if I still want to ruin my life, fine, but not today buckarroo. Thanks you all.
Yep, that's the key. Tomorrow can take care of itself.... but today you will NOT use nicotine. Do whatever you can to make that happen, whether you gotta chew on toothpicks like a beaver, gum, candy, seeds, fake dip... quit today.

The mental craves and games are the worst part. Be strong, post roll, be a man of your word.
Title: Re: New member
Post by: kenjames on January 22, 2018, 01:49:00 PM
Quote from: canofbeans
Quote from: kenjames
I started feeling a little better from illness Saturday and have been slowly improving. I'm now on day 5 and woke with confidence. Today is my first day back at work since I quit and the urges have become extremely challenging. At one point this morning I thought "F-it, just get one tin. Who cares. No harm."

Well, it looks like I'm already drinking the Kool-Aid because I then reminded myself that I put myself on roll call today. I made a promise and can't break it. Tomorrow morning if I still want to ruin my life, fine, but not today buckarroo. Thanks you all.
Awesome win, keep it up! Have you exchanged numbers with anyone to help add another layer of accountability?
Yes I have them on my phone and sent my number!
Title: Re: New member
Post by: kenjames on January 22, 2018, 01:50:00 PM
I just reached to the left side of my desk to grab a tin. LOL
Title: Re: New member
Post by: canofbeans on January 22, 2018, 02:07:00 PM
Quote from: kenjames
Quote from: canofbeans
Quote from: kenjames
I started feeling a little better from illness Saturday and have been slowly improving. I'm now on day 5 and woke with confidence. Today is my first day back at work since I quit and the urges have become extremely challenging. At one point this morning I thought "F-it, just get one tin. Who cares. No harm."

Well, it looks like I'm already drinking the Kool-Aid because I then reminded myself that I put myself on roll call today. I made a promise and can't break it. Tomorrow morning if I still want to ruin my life, fine, but not today buckarroo. Thanks you all.
Awesome win, keep it up! Have you exchanged numbers with anyone to help add another layer of accountability?
Yes I have them on my phone and sent my number!
Good deal, keep up the killer quit!
Title: Re: New member
Post by: kenjames on January 23, 2018, 06:43:00 PM
Today went much better than yesterday. The urges are not as strong. I haven't been challenged too much though. Since I've been sick and on medication I haven't been hanging out with friends or having a beer. My body is feeling super healthy actually!

Tomorrow I head out for some work training. Will stay strong! Thanks everyone.
Title: Re: New member
Post by: kenjames on April 17, 2018, 11:58:00 AM
Hello. I'm at the 90 day mark and feeling good from a quit perspective.

While this quit was pretty easy I know I can't ever let my guard down. Letting my guard down is what put me back in this spot.

My depression and anxiety is at an all time high. The right side of my lower lip is bothering me. I'm not in pain but it just seems 'fatter' to me and feels less sensitive. I look okay in the mirror but consumed with ideas of cancer. Cancer is what brought me back to nicotine, oddly enough. I had been nicotine free for almost a year or so before I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in Dec 2015. It sounds stupid but I started dipping again after that. Nothing mattered. I had the surgery in April 2016 and still (prostate) cancer free, to this day. But the side effects of the surgery have really screwed my mind up. My drinking is still out of control. I've distanced myself from everyone I know including my wife and immediate family. I know I need help.

I promised myself I would not worry about my teeth and mouth until 100 days and now that I'm almost at 100 I am very, very afraid. Writing all this to give myself a moral boost and it's not working. Hitting the Post Reply button anyway. Thanks for reading.
Title: Re: New member
Post by: kenjames on April 17, 2018, 12:01:00 PM
Tomorrow is two year anniversary of surgery :(

Next blood test is June 27.
Title: Re: New member
Post by: FLLipOut on April 20, 2018, 09:19:00 PM
Thinking about you and sending up prayers for clean tests!!! I also hope the anxiety is under control.
Title: Re: New member
Post by: kenjames on April 24, 2018, 03:17:00 PM
Day 97 and I wish I wasn't so close. Really. The urge for nicotine is rarely present. Occasional hunger is how I would describe the feeling. Something missing. It's easy to defeat though and I can usually push it away. This is a success story to be sure but for some reason I don't feel the need to celebrate.

I still don't like the way the right side of my lower lip feels. Since I'm not a doctor, anything that doesn't feel right must be cancer, at least my mind tells me so. But it's been almost 100 days of oddness in my mouth. Probably much more than that but I wouldn't have been able to tell prior to quitting since my mouth was so often filled with dip. I bet the oddness started a year ago and I'm noticing the problem now because I haven't been dipping.

I'm filled with dread about going to the dentist. On the one hand I would like to know if I have cancer again. Yet I'm already thinking of ways to delay. I am new to area, have no dentist picked out. Need to schedule it. I'm so afraid. At my darkest moments I tell myself to start dipping again. This way I won't have to go to the dentist. Madness!

What angers me the most is this: I can't be blamed for prostate cancer. I fought that and here I am two years later still okay and no prostate cancer.

But I am 100% to blame if I have mouth cancer. I feel like a coward.

PS - I say that this it's easy to push away the urges and that this is a success story but I am by no means letting my guard down. I am a nicotine junkie and can't touch it ever again.
Title: Re: New member
Post by: kenjames on April 24, 2018, 04:17:00 PM
While discussing my situation with another member he pushed me to start working on dentist ASAP and if possible get something booked tomorrow. Now on quest to look for ID card and get something setup ASAP. This is something I need to be held accountable for. Thank you CLEalt
Title: Re: New member
Post by: kenjames on April 24, 2018, 05:17:00 PM
Called a few but nothing to be had sooner. I have an appointment with one next Thursday at 10:30 am. And just in case that doesn't work out I have another one for May 15th.

Tomorrow I will call at least 1 more to see if I can get something this week but I'm okay with going next Thursday. I didn't intend to start process until day 100.

Anyway shout out to CLEalt for pushing me. I did say 'FU for pushing me' but meant it in the best possible way ;)
Title: Re: New member
Post by: Skolvikings on August 05, 2018, 12:24:00 PM
Congrats on the second floor my brother, great work.

Let's stack another hundo!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: New member
Post by: Doofus on August 23, 2018, 10:26:00 AM
Getting close to un chartered quit waters.....never been past 7 months in 30 years....222 qlf
Title: Re: New member
Post by: Doofus on September 07, 2018, 07:26:00 PM
DAY 237

Officially now into unchartered quit waters. Never been quit this long, never felt this strong in my quit. KTC works people, I continue to feel gratitude and honor towards a complete set of strangers who help save my life one day at a time. Thanks KTC