KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: kneedragger on April 15, 2010, 06:02:00 PM
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I started dipping in 6th grade – I think that means I was 12. I remember going out to recess and a group of friends were all huddled around this one kid, Jeff. Turns out he was handing out dips from a tin of Skoal wintergreen. I stuck a pinch in my lip like everyone else, but I just let it sit there. Didn’t know what else I was supposed to do. Didn’t suck on it or squeeze the juice out of it or spit. Jeff asked me if I was even dipping or was I just wasting it. All of the sudden I felt like I was doing it wrong. I had to get more of it so I could practice and learn how to do it right. That was it…been dipping ever since. Sometime in my teens I switched over to Skoal Mint. Not really sure why. Was also smoking about a pack a day, but smoking was really just a way to get nicotine when I couldn’t dip.
That’s why it was so easy to “quit” smoking when I met my wife. She didn’t want to date a smoker and I didn’t really care about smoking anyway, as long as I didn’t have to give up dipping. Plus I was in grad school, so my schedule wasn’t particularly demanding. I could always get back to my apt a couple of times during the day to sneak a lipper.
Once I got through grad school and started working, things got a little complicated. CouldnÂ’t get my nicotine from cigarettes anymore and couldnÂ’t dip at work. YouÂ’d think that would be enough to make me quit, but instead I figured out a way to dip at work. I found I could pack a quid in the back of my mouth behind my upper back teeth. Basically in the spot vacated by my wisdom teeth. As long as I didnÂ’t use too much, you couldnÂ’t even tell I had a dip in. Then I learned to spit in a Starbucks coffee cup with the lid on. I actually found I could spit in that little hole, but make it look like I was taking a sip of coffee while I was doing it. My co-workers started joking about how IÂ’m never without a cup of coffee. It was unbelievable. I basically figured out a way to have a dip in all day every day. I was more hooked than IÂ’ve ever been.
But then I started to watch as my mother-in-law battled Non-HodgkinÂ’s Lymphoma. She had a stem cell transplant and some pretty serious chemo. Took her about a year to recover and she fought every step of the way. Now sheÂ’s been diagnosed with MDS, which is basically a bone marrow condition caused by excessive exposure to radiation. The only treatment is another transplant and, believe it or not, more chemo. But the fatality odds have gone up quite a bit this time around. But she just keeps fightingÂ…and here I am the hole time puttinÂ’ this shit in my body thatÂ’s gonna kill me because IÂ’m too weak to face life without it. It made me feel like such a piece of shit to watch how she faced every hardship with courage when I knew I was a spineless addict.
I went online looking for help and found a group of guys that not only got seriousÂ…they got fuckinÂ’ angry. ThatÂ’s just what I needed and IÂ’ve been fuckinÂ’ angry ever since. I will not lose another second of my life to this useless shit. IÂ’m four days in and I feel empowered by the vulgar, disgusting, beautiful badasses at KTC. With them behind me, I know I can beat this shit.
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That may be the most thorough intro I've seen but I still don't know your favorite color. Never mind. Great to have you out here and congrats on the best desicion of your life. Since you're already on day 4, I'll spare you the normal 3 days of hell speach. You're probably already detoxed. You're still gonna have sleepless nights, dip rage, a mind fuck where you everything will be foggy and you'll feel like you can even complete a coherant sentence. All of this will pass in time. Some, like the fog, will come and go. It's all just your body getting used to life without a cancer causing chemical running through your system. If you feel like bitching at someone, bitch at us, we can take it and it's what we're here for. Drink tons of water the first few weeks. It helps to flush your system even more. Stay very active out here and you'll be bombarded with more than enough support.
Rock on brother.
Volp
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Hell-fuck-yeah!! This silly prick is on the right track! Stay pissed and stay close to the site. :D
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That may be the most thorough intro I've seen but I still don't know your favorite color. Never mind. Great to have you out here and congrats on the best desicion of your life. Since you're already on day 4, I'll spare you the normal 3 days of hell speach. You're probably already detoxed. You're still gonna have sleepless nights, dip rage, a mind fuck where you everything will be foggy and you'll feel like you can even complete a coherant sentence. All of this will pass in time. Some, like the fog, will come and go. It's all just your body getting used to life without a cancer causing chemical running through your system. If you feel like bitching at someone, bitch at us, we can take it and it's what we're here for. Drink tons of water the first few weeks. It helps to flush your system even more. Stay very active out here and you'll be bombarded with more than enough support.
Rock on brother.
Volp
Great Intro, need any help PM me, we will keep you quit
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GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU GAP-TOOTHED, STANK-ASS, HAIRY FUCKIN' WHORE!!!!
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GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU GAP-TOOTHED, STANK-ASS, HAIRY FUCKIN' WHORE!!!!
You tell her Dragger. Fuck her and her horse. She owned you for way too many years. It's your turn to fuck her.
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I doubt I've got this figured out enough for it to qualify as wisdom. But I want to document my triggers and my plans for dealing with them. Thought I'd post it in case it helps others identify and plan for serious cravings. If you have other ideas for dealing with these, please reply and let me know
Triggers:
Driving – Fucking huge trigger. Constantly passing gas stations. Requires more willpower than I possess
Plan – I live in the city so I don’t have to drive every day. Try to limit driving to those occasions when there will be someone else in the car with me. Cancel plans that require long drives for at least a couple of weeks. Keep my dip alternatives with me if I have to drive – sunflower seeds, hooch, lots of bottled water.
Piano – Late night practice sessions on the piano
Plan – I’ve trained myself to believe I can’t concentrate on working through a tough lesson or working out a new riff unless I have dip as my concentration crutch. I have to train myself to see that’s not true, but I have to do it in small steps. I should practice for short periods of time, but avoid practicing when I’m alone in the house. Having my wife around will also help keep me honest. Avoid practicing late at night when my wife is asleep.
Racetrack – Too many other riders use tobacco so it’s constantly in my face
Plan – Cancelled my track day scheduled for this Saturday. Not feeling the willpower yet. In the future, I think this might be a good place to use Hooch as a crutch, but like piano, I have to slowly learn to enjoy this without the nic bitch.
Movies – at home or in the theatre
Plan – I can give up movies for a while. This is actually an easy one.
Stressful Situations at Work – I’ve learned that I have no mechanism for dealing with stress. My stress level has been high lately, causing severe back pain, canker sores and loss of sleep. Given my situation at work, I don’t expect relief from these high stress levels in the foreseeable future.
Plan – I need to get back in the gym but can’t do that until I cope with my back pain. Continue with physical therapy, and run to the extent possible. Contact doctor about other resources for stress management and relief.
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A fork in the Road
I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend as I was fighting a monster craving. I thought this story might be helpful to others who are trying to develop strategies for staying nic free early in their quits.
Sunday afternoon, I was on the subway heading to my stop on West 72nd St. I was having a serious craving and I knew that there was a tobacco shop at the 72nd St. subway station. I started to feel very anxious about caving and I was really freaking out. I thought about staying on the subway to avoid walking past the shop, but then IÂ’d have to walk home from 79th street. I knew of at least three places to buy dip between 79th and my apartment on 70th. I was starting to feel trapped and I was fumbling through my wallet looking for my phone numbers.
But somehow in the midst of all this, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that there was no way to cave at that moment. I was on a subway car, beneath the ground with no dip and no way to get dip. I was safe. I realized that I wasnÂ’t in the middle of a fight, but I was approaching one. I had time to think about how to handle the real fight when the time came.
Realizing I was safe helped me calm down and take a few deep breaths. Then I heard the words of my KTC brothers in my ears. “Embrace the suck”. The weird thing was I couldn’t really find “the suck”. I tried to identify where in my body I physically felt the need to dip. Was there some pain that I knew could only be alleviated with nicotine…absolutely not. Was it like hunger…not necessarily pain, but some physical manifestation of my need for nicotine…nope. I couldn’t find anything. There was literally nothing happening in my body that signified any need for anything. In fact, I felt pretty fuckin’ good. That’s when I realized the source of my anxiety was clearly between my ears. That really fuckin’ pissed me off.
When the subway reached 72nd street, I braced myself for the fight ahead. But this time, the fight would be a single moment in time. A single decision. I could turn right out of the subway station and walk into the tobacco store, or I could turn left and head straight to my apartment. But it would be a single moment. I would not let my mind turn the fight into more than it was. I would boil it down to a single decision and then I would make the right decision for all the reasons I had decided to quit in the first place. As I walked up the stairs I listed all the reasons in my head. IÂ’m done being a slave to the nic bitch, I want to grow old with my wife and family, IÂ’m tired of lying to the people I love, etcÂ…
By the time I got to the top of the stairs, the battle was short and decisive. I didnÂ’t hesitate, slow down or even look to the right. I walked out of the subway and felt the sun on my face. I put on my shades, smiled to myself and walked straight home.
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A fork in the Road
I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend as I was fighting a monster craving. I thought this story might be helpful to others who are trying to develop strategies for staying nic free early in their quits.
Sunday afternoon, I was on the subway heading to my stop on West 72nd St. I was having a serious craving and I knew that there was a tobacco shop at the 72nd St. subway station. I started to feel very anxious about caving and I was really freaking out. I thought about staying on the subway to avoid walking past the shop, but then IÂ’d have to walk home from 79th street. I knew of at least three places to buy dip between 79th and my apartment on 70th. I was starting to feel trapped and I was fumbling through my wallet looking for my phone numbers.
But somehow in the midst of all this, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that there was no way to cave at that moment. I was on a subway car, beneath the ground with no dip and no way to get dip. I was safe. I realized that I wasnÂ’t in the middle of a fight, but I was approaching one. I had time to think about how to handle the real fight when the time came.
Realizing I was safe helped me calm down and take a few deep breaths. Then I heard the words of my KTC brothers in my ears. “Embrace the suck”. The weird thing was I couldn’t really find “the suck”. I tried to identify where in my body I physically felt the need to dip. Was there some pain that I knew could only be alleviated with nicotine…absolutely not. Was it like hunger…not necessarily pain, but some physical manifestation of my need for nicotine…nope. I couldn’t find anything. There was literally nothing happening in my body that signified any need for anything. In fact, I felt pretty fuckin’ good. That’s when I realized the source of my anxiety was clearly between my ears. That really fuckin’ pissed me off.
When the subway reached 72nd street, I braced myself for the fight ahead. But this time, the fight would be a single moment in time. A single decision. I could turn right out of the subway station and walk into the tobacco store, or I could turn left and head straight to my apartment. But it would be a single moment. I would not let my mind turn the fight into more than it was. I would boil it down to a single decision and then I would make the right decision for all the reasons I had decided to quit in the first place. As I walked up the stairs I listed all the reasons in my head. IÂ’m done being a slave to the nic bitch, I want to grow old with my wife and family, IÂ’m tired of lying to the people I love, etcÂ…
By the time I got to the top of the stairs, the battle was short and decisive. I didnÂ’t hesitate, slow down or even look to the right. I walked out of the subway and felt the sun on my face. I put on my shades, smiled to myself and walked straight home.
Yo that's the fucked up thing about this place. You would have caved no doubt if not those KTC voices swirling around your head. It is weird how it works like that, but it does, and that's why it is so vital to remain on here and stay involved. Way to fight that crave.
Nice to have another New Yorker on here (although I am from Jersey). I know exactly what store you were talking about - my Pops actually lives over there somewhere and I have been on that Subway and stop 10 zillion times. You won't be able to avoid every store, shit there's one every half block, but as long as you have that support group in your head you will do fine and the craves will lessen.
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A fork in the Road
I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend as I was fighting a monster craving. I thought this story might be helpful to others who are trying to develop strategies for staying nic free early in their quits.
Sunday afternoon, I was on the subway heading to my stop on West 72nd St. I was having a serious craving and I knew that there was a tobacco shop at the 72nd St. subway station. I started to feel very anxious about caving and I was really freaking out. I thought about staying on the subway to avoid walking past the shop, but then IÂ’d have to walk home from 79th street. I knew of at least three places to buy dip between 79th and my apartment on 70th. I was starting to feel trapped and I was fumbling through my wallet looking for my phone numbers.Â
But somehow in the midst of all this, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that there was no way to cave at that moment. I was on a subway car, beneath the ground with no dip and no way to get dip. I was safe. I realized that I wasn’t in the middle of a fight, but I was approaching one. I had time to think about how to handle the real fight when the time came.
Realizing I was safe helped me calm down and take a few deep breaths. Then I heard the words of my KTC brothers in my ears. “Embrace the suck”. The weird thing was I couldn’t really find “the suck”. I tried to identify where in my body I physically felt the need to dip. Was there some pain that I knew could only be alleviated with nicotine…absolutely not. Was it like hunger…not necessarily pain, but some physical manifestation of my need for nicotine…nope. I couldn’t find anything. There was literally nothing happening in my body that signified any need for anything. In fact, I felt pretty fuckin’ good. That’s when I realized the source of my anxiety was clearly between my ears. That really fuckin’ pissed me off.
When the subway reached 72nd street, I braced myself for the fight ahead. But this time, the fight would be a single moment in time. A single decision. I could turn right out of the subway station and walk into the tobacco store, or I could turn left and head straight to my apartment. But it would be a single moment. I would not let my mind turn the fight into more than it was. I would boil it down to a single decision and then I would make the right decision for all the reasons I had decided to quit in the first place. As I walked up the stairs I listed all the reasons in my head. I’m done being a slave to the nic bitch, I want to grow old with my wife and family, I’m tired of lying to the people I love, etc…
By the time I got to the top of the stairs, the battle was short and decisive. I didn’t hesitate, slow down or even look to the right. I walked out of the subway and felt the sun on my face. I put on my shades, smiled to myself and walked straight home.
Yo that's the fucked up thing about this place. You would have caved no doubt if not those KTC voices swirling around your head. It is weird how it works like that, but it does, and that's why it is so vital to remain on here and stay involved. Way to fight that crave.
Nice to have another New Yorker on here (although I am from Jersey). I know exactly what store you were talking about - my Pops actually lives over there somewhere and I have been on that Subway and stop 10 zillion times. You won't be able to avoid every store, shit there's one every half block, but as long as you have that support group in your head you will do fine and the craves will lessen.
Great job! Life is really a series of decisions. It's amazing what you will learn about yourself when you quit nicotine and start paying attention.
'clap'
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A fork in the Road
I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend as I was fighting a monster craving. I thought this story might be helpful to others who are trying to develop strategies for staying nic free early in their quits.
Sunday afternoon, I was on the subway heading to my stop on West 72nd St. I was having a serious craving and I knew that there was a tobacco shop at the 72nd St. subway station. I started to feel very anxious about caving and I was really freaking out. I thought about staying on the subway to avoid walking past the shop, but then IÂ’d have to walk home from 79th street. I knew of at least three places to buy dip between 79th and my apartment on 70th. I was starting to feel trapped and I was fumbling through my wallet looking for my phone numbers.Â
But somehow in the midst of all this, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that there was no way to cave at that moment. I was on a subway car, beneath the ground with no dip and no way to get dip. I was safe. I realized that I wasn’t in the middle of a fight, but I was approaching one. I had time to think about how to handle the real fight when the time came.
Realizing I was safe helped me calm down and take a few deep breaths. Then I heard the words of my KTC brothers in my ears. “Embrace the suck”. The weird thing was I couldn’t really find “the suck”. I tried to identify where in my body I physically felt the need to dip. Was there some pain that I knew could only be alleviated with nicotine…absolutely not. Was it like hunger…not necessarily pain, but some physical manifestation of my need for nicotine…nope. I couldn’t find anything. There was literally nothing happening in my body that signified any need for anything. In fact, I felt pretty fuckin’ good. That’s when I realized the source of my anxiety was clearly between my ears. That really fuckin’ pissed me off.
When the subway reached 72nd street, I braced myself for the fight ahead. But this time, the fight would be a single moment in time. A single decision. I could turn right out of the subway station and walk into the tobacco store, or I could turn left and head straight to my apartment. But it would be a single moment. I would not let my mind turn the fight into more than it was. I would boil it down to a single decision and then I would make the right decision for all the reasons I had decided to quit in the first place. As I walked up the stairs I listed all the reasons in my head. I’m done being a slave to the nic bitch, I want to grow old with my wife and family, I’m tired of lying to the people I love, etc…
By the time I got to the top of the stairs, the battle was short and decisive. I didn’t hesitate, slow down or even look to the right. I walked out of the subway and felt the sun on my face. I put on my shades, smiled to myself and walked straight home.
Yo that's the fucked up thing about this place. You would have caved no doubt if not those KTC voices swirling around your head. It is weird how it works like that, but it does, and that's why it is so vital to remain on here and stay involved. Way to fight that crave.
Nice to have another New Yorker on here (although I am from Jersey). I know exactly what store you were talking about - my Pops actually lives over there somewhere and I have been on that Subway and stop 10 zillion times. You won't be able to avoid every store, shit there's one every half block, but as long as you have that support group in your head you will do fine and the craves will lessen.
Ah shit, Glen. Can't believe someone else on this site knows that store...it's such a shithole. I'm actually embarrassed that I used to put anything in my mouth that came from that store. Oh well. Guess there's no secrets in the fox hole. We're in this fight together, so all my KTC brothers might as well know about the kinds of shitholes I would frequent to get my fix. Most of those guys recognized me and had a tin of mint waiting for me when I came through the door. I used to think that was cool...fuckin' pushers...
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GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU GAP-TOOTHED, STANK-ASS, HAIRY FUCKIN' WHORE!!!!
haha i feel the same way!!!
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I hate everyone and everything. That is all.
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I hate everyone and everything. That is all.
Hang in there brother, it gets better. I can't say when but it does. You'll go through a couple a periods of raging and hating the world for a while. It's normal for what you're doing to your body. Also, there's a beautiful spot, right here on KTC, for all your bitching and raging needs. Get Your Bitch On (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=1798) was created for just this feeling. You got dip rage and would rather not put your fist through a co-workers skull? Go out and call him a mother fucker out there. Someone cut you off in traffic with texting her BFF? Let it all out on GYBO. Not only is good for you to vent there instead of at home or the office but we love reading a good rage. It helps remind us of our own struggles we went through in the early days and you'll get good feedback for many.
Stay strong my man. You can do this.
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Stay Away from Electronics
In all the reading IÂ’ve done on this site, nobody told me the impact that my quit was going to have on electronics. For the benefit of all you newbies, you should know that when you quit, electronics and technology cease to work for you. The more expensive, cutting edge or exciting the technology, the more you can be assured that it will not work for you as a result of your quit. It will be fuckinÂ’ broke, I assure you.
But thatÂ’s not all thatÂ’s broke. Your ability to fix your exciting new electronic device is also fuckinÂ’ broke. As a result of your quit, you are officially dumb as a bag of hammers and trying to fix your new gadget yourself will look a lot like washing a baby with a fire hose.
So you go back to the store to try to get help and you learn that our entire system of commerce…also fuckin’ broke. As evidenced by the douchebag saleperson who was willing to make any claim necessary to get you to part with your hard earned money and sell you a glitzy electronic gadget that he obviously knew was broken. You have no recourse with this douchebag because he will take one look at your electronic gadget and ask, “Did you try to fix this yourself?”
But wait, thereÂ’s still technical supportÂ…this is your only remaining hope, but as a result of your quit, all technical support personnel around the world have been replaced by the dumbest fuckers to ever walk on hind legs. However, they will not know that theyÂ’re dumb. You will yell at them, scream at them, curse at them and they will very politely apologize and put you on hold for 30 minutes. Eventually you will be disconnected when you hurl your phone against the wall. As a result, your phone will no longer workÂ…you will try to fix it yourself and the whole cycle will begin againÂ…
youÂ’ve been warned
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Stay Away from Electronics
In all the reading IÂ’ve done on this site, nobody told me the impact that my quit was going to have on electronics. For the benefit of all you newbies, you should know that when you quit, electronics and technology cease to work for you. The more expensive, cutting edge or exciting the technology, the more you can be assured that it will not work for you as a result of your quit. It will be fuckinÂ’ broke, I assure you.
But thatÂ’s not all thatÂ’s broke. Your ability to fix your exciting new electronic device is also fuckinÂ’ broke. As a result of your quit, you are officially dumb as a bag of hammers and trying to fix your new gadget yourself will look a lot like washing a baby with a fire hose.
So you go back to the store to try to get help and you learn that our entire system of commerce…also fuckin’ broke. As evidenced by the douchebag saleperson who was willing to make any claim necessary to get you to part with your hard earned money and sell you a glitzy electronic gadget that he obviously knew was broken. You have no recourse with this douchebag because he will take one look at your electronic gadget and ask, “Did you try to fix this yourself?”
But wait, thereÂ’s still technical supportÂ…this is your only remaining hope, but as a result of your quit, all technical support personnel around the world have been replaced by the dumbest fuckers to ever walk on hind legs. However, they will not know that theyÂ’re dumb. You will yell at them, scream at them, curse at them and they will very politely apologize and put you on hold for 30 minutes. Eventually you will be disconnected when you hurl your phone against the wall. As a result, your phone will no longer workÂ…you will try to fix it yourself and the whole cycle will begin againÂ…
youÂ’ve been warnedÂ…
Dip Rage ain't she a bitch. Hang in there.
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Stay Away from Electronics
In all the reading I’ve done on this site, nobody told me the impact that my quit was going to have on electronics. For the benefit of all you newbies, you should know that when you quit, electronics and technology cease to work for you. The more expensive, cutting edge or exciting the technology, the more you can be assured that it will not work for you as a result of your quit. It will be fuckin’ broke, I assure you.
But that’s not all that’s broke. Your ability to fix your exciting new electronic device is also fuckin’ broke. As a result of your quit, you are officially dumb as a bag of hammers and trying to fix your new gadget yourself will look a lot like washing a baby with a fire hose.
So you go back to the store to try to get help and you learn that our entire system of commerce…also fuckin’ broke. As evidenced by the douchebag saleperson who was willing to make any claim necessary to get you to part with your hard earned money and sell you a glitzy electronic gadget that he obviously knew was broken. You have no recourse with this douchebag because he will take one look at your electronic gadget and ask, “Did you try to fix this yourself?”
But wait, there’s still technical support…this is your only remaining hope, but as a result of your quit, all technical support personnel around the world have been replaced by the dumbest fuckers to ever walk on hind legs. However, they will not know that they’re dumb. You will yell at them, scream at them, curse at them and they will very politely apologize and put you on hold for 30 minutes. Eventually you will be disconnected when you hurl your phone against the wall. As a result, your phone will no longer work…you will try to fix it yourself and the whole cycle will begin again…
youÂ’ve been warnedÂ…
'crackup'
Mmmmm, delicious dip rage. Drink it in.
Also:
Drivers are WAY more moronic.
Seriously? Grocery store cashiers were NEVER this fucking slow before.
Has everybody always been this smug and joyful about me being miserable? Fuckers.
On the positive side, I've acquired a new power with which I can predict how fucking stupid the next thing someone says is going to be with a 99.9% success rate. As it turns out, 99.9% of what people say to me is mind-numbingly predictable, stupid and irritating as fuckall! And I, the great Kreskin, can predict this!
Stupid world doesn't know it's stupid. Stupid!
Seriously, while I'm in a little funk right now, I have had periods where the world gets properly paced, smarter, nicer and less hell-bent on cock-blocking my happiness, believe it or not! It does get better, as they say.
Rock on quitter!
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I hate everyone and everything. That is all.
'bang head'
Dip is for fags. Just remember that.
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Stay Away from Electronics
In all the reading I’ve done on this site, nobody told me the impact that my quit was going to have on electronics. For the benefit of all you newbies, you should know that when you quit, electronics and technology cease to work for you. The more expensive, cutting edge or exciting the technology, the more you can be assured that it will not work for you as a result of your quit. It will be fuckin’ broke, I assure you.
But that’s not all that’s broke. Your ability to fix your exciting new electronic device is also fuckin’ broke. As a result of your quit, you are officially dumb as a bag of hammers and trying to fix your new gadget yourself will look a lot like washing a baby with a fire hose.
So you go back to the store to try to get help and you learn that our entire system of commerce…also fuckin’ broke. As evidenced by the douchebag saleperson who was willing to make any claim necessary to get you to part with your hard earned money and sell you a glitzy electronic gadget that he obviously knew was broken. You have no recourse with this douchebag because he will take one look at your electronic gadget and ask, “Did you try to fix this yourself?”
But wait, there’s still technical support…this is your only remaining hope, but as a result of your quit, all technical support personnel around the world have been replaced by the dumbest fuckers to ever walk on hind legs. However, they will not know that they’re dumb. You will yell at them, scream at them, curse at them and they will very politely apologize and put you on hold for 30 minutes. Eventually you will be disconnected when you hurl your phone against the wall. As a result, your phone will no longer work…you will try to fix it yourself and the whole cycle will begin again…
youÂ’ve been warnedÂ…
'crackup'
Mmmmm, delicious dip rage. Drink it in.
Also:
Drivers are WAY more moronic.
Seriously? Grocery store cashiers were NEVER this fucking slow before.
Has everybody always been this smug and joyful about me being miserable? Fuckers.
On the positive side, I've acquired a new power with which I can predict how fucking stupid the next thing someone says is going to be with a 99.9% success rate. As it turns out, 99.9% of what people say to me is mind-numbingly predictable, stupid and irritating as fuckall! And I, the great Kreskin, can predict this!
Stupid world doesn't know it's stupid. Stupid!
Seriously, while I'm in a little funk right now, I have had periods where the world gets properly paced, smarter, nicer and less hell-bent on cock-blocking my happiness, believe it or not! It does get better, as they say.
Rock on quitter!
That's some funny shit man. I needed that...thanks for the post. -KD
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Some good ass dip rage right there... I love it
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Feels Good to Play the Blues
IÂ’m used to playing piano at least a little bit every day and I frequently play for hours at a time. But, in the past, I also frequently dipped while I was playing. Over the last two weeks, IÂ’ve stayed away from the piano because I was worried about it being a trigger for me. I didnÂ’t know how strong the association would be between playing and dipping. I was worried about not being able to concentrate; not being able to make progress as quickly as I used to. I was scared to see evidence of something that I wonÂ’t be as good at without dip. IÂ’ve practiced sporadically during my quit, but definitely not every day. I even cancelled my last lesson because I hadnÂ’t been practicing regularly and I didnÂ’t think it was worth the money. I was really starting to worry that it was going to be a long time before I could get back to enjoying playing again.
Last night, I figured I was safe to sit and play since my wife was reading in the living room. I played through a couple of easy blues tunes, sticking mostly to stuff I knew really well. I figured IÂ’d save myself the frustration of trying to work on something new that would require more concentration. But after a few minutes, I really felt like I was playing pretty well. I decided to try a boogie blues pattern I was working on right before I quit. It was up-tempo and IÂ’d been struggling with the chord changes. But for some reason, something clicked last night and I was able to really get a groove going with this boogie pattern. I even started doing a little improv over the left-hand bass line. I was so psyched to see my playing progress, I thought I was gonna break down and cry like a little bitch. Just one more step in slowing proving to myself that thereÂ’s nothing I canÂ’t do without dip.
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Feels Good to Play the Blues
IÂ’m used to playing piano at least a little bit every day and I frequently play for hours at a time. But, in the past, I also frequently dipped while I was playing. Over the last two weeks, IÂ’ve stayed away from the piano because I was worried about it being a trigger for me. I didnÂ’t know how strong the association would be between playing and dipping. I was worried about not being able to concentrate; not being able to make progress as quickly as I used to. I was scared to see evidence of something that I wonÂ’t be as good at without dip. IÂ’ve practiced sporadically during my quit, but definitely not every day. I even cancelled my last lesson because I hadnÂ’t been practicing regularly and I didnÂ’t think it was worth the money. I was really starting to worry that it was going to be a long time before I could get back to enjoying playing again.
Last night, I figured I was safe to sit and play since my wife was reading in the living room. I played through a couple of easy blues tunes, sticking mostly to stuff I knew really well. I figured IÂ’d save myself the frustration of trying to work on something new that would require more concentration. But after a few minutes, I really felt like I was playing pretty well. I decided to try a boogie blues pattern I was working on right before I quit. It was up-tempo and IÂ’d been struggling with the chord changes. But for some reason, something clicked last night and I was able to really get a groove going with this boogie pattern. I even started doing a little improv over the left-hand bass line. I was so psyched to see my playing progress, I thought I was gonna break down and cry like a little bitch. Just one more step in slowing proving to myself that thereÂ’s nothing I canÂ’t do without dip.
It is amazing what your mind can do when it is not clouded over with Nicotine...
Keep quitting, you will be amazed at all the things you can do without it.
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So glad to hear that noticing how stupid and trivial most people's comments seem throughout the day is normal during nic rages. I have trouble listening to my fiance and I have only quit for a day.... can't imagine what it will be like tomorrow....
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So glad to hear that noticing how stupid and trivial most people's comments seem throughout the day is normal during nic rages. I have trouble listening to my fiance and I have only quit for a day.... can't imagine what it will be like tomorrow....
The first three days suck ass... !! No easy way to say it. Make it past the first three days and the NIC is gone. Then you just have to learn how to make your mind work again.
NEVER take your frustrations out on your fiance or your family. They have no clue what its like to quit this shit. Come in here and vent, we can take it but more importantly we can relate to what you are going through and we can help you through it.
I tell all the new guys to keep a journal. When you think you want to go back to dipping pull out your journal and get to reading.
And.. do not worry about tomorrow. We do this one day at a time. Today.
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Feels Good to Play the Blues
I’m used to playing piano at least a little bit every day and I frequently play for hours at a time. But, in the past, I also frequently dipped while I was playing. Over the last two weeks, I’ve stayed away from the piano because I was worried about it being a trigger for me. I didn’t know how strong the association would be between playing and dipping. I was worried about not being able to concentrate; not being able to make progress as quickly as I used to. I was scared to see evidence of something that I won’t be as good at without dip. I’ve practiced sporadically during my quit, but definitely not every day. I even cancelled my last lesson because I hadn’t been practicing regularly and I didn’t think it was worth the money. I was really starting to worry that it was going to be a long time before I could get back to enjoying playing again.
Last night, I figured I was safe to sit and play since my wife was reading in the living room. I played through a couple of easy blues tunes, sticking mostly to stuff I knew really well. I figured I’d save myself the frustration of trying to work on something new that would require more concentration. But after a few minutes, I really felt like I was playing pretty well. I decided to try a boogie blues pattern I was working on right before I quit. It was up-tempo and I’d been struggling with the chord changes. But for some reason, something clicked last night and I was able to really get a groove going with this boogie pattern. I even started doing a little improv over the left-hand bass line. I was so psyched to see my playing progress, I thought I was gonna break down and cry like a little bitch. Just one more step in slowing proving to myself that there’s nothing I can’t do without dip.
It is amazing what your mind can do when it is not clouded over with Nicotine...
Keep quitting, you will be amazed at all the things you can do without it.
Greg's right. You will be amazed. Jacked for you right now, though. This sounds like a really big one, man. And a serious reason to be quit and be happy. Chew doesn't define us.
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Last night was interesting...
My brothers in arms, I'm here to tell you that the legend is true. I'm on day 15 and was hoping to have no issue with the two week crave, but it's on...it is fucking on...
For me it's the rage. Or more specifically, the sudden awareness of the massive incompentence and stupidity of every fucking person in this filthy fucking city. All 8 million of them.
I've been left with no choice but to begin systematically exterminating these useless fuckers. By this time next week, NYC will be a wasteland of rotting flesh and I will walk the streets and relish the savagery of my work. My boots will be sticky with the blood and guts on the sidewalk. And I will live in peace for the rest of my days as I quitly wait for my time to burn in hell.
I will do all of these things...but I will not fucking dip.
awesome. I work in the city as well. I know how you feel. I commute home an hour a day. not dipping on the bus after a hard day has been the toughest. One day at a time!
Both of you are commanded to drink a beer with TCOPE on this Wednesday and we shall lay waste to the hordes.....pm me. I'm there
TCOPE
I'm in on Saturday. Let's do it!!!!!
You freaking rock!!!! Slay those bas tards!!!!
For those of you who don't know it when you see it, this is called therapy. What you don't know is all the things that went wrong at work that day, that I forgot my umbrella and had to commute home in the rain, that I felt like every person on the subway was trying their hardest to get in my way, that I was hungry, my blood sugar was low, my back was tense, I was a frayed bundle of nervesÂ…etc, etc, blah blah blah.
Look, I was nic ragin like a little bitchy girl who got grounded on prom night. I was irrational and flat out wrong to be mad at anybody. But the point is, I was on a hair trigger and was typing out the above message furiously as I heard the door open to our apt. My lovely and innocent wife had just entered the apt and was unknowingly walking directly into the lionÂ’s den. I could have ripped her head offÂ…it would have been so easy and sort of gratifying in a self indulgent sort of way. But the damage would have been so hard to repair. She doesnÂ’t know what IÂ’m feeling. She can try her hardest, and she would, but sheÂ’d just never understand and some part of her would always feel like she had done something to upset me, that it was somehow her fault. God, how awful would that be. Can you imagine after the nic rage passed, I would have been left with so much guilt. It would have been hard to bare.
But I didnÂ’t have to. So many of the KTC guys had already told me where to go when I felt the way I felt last night. I came to the boards and let it out. And it wasnÂ’t a moment too soon. I hit add reply and felt a lot better. Really, surprisingly better. I wanted to tell the world to fuck off and I had place that I could do it. It made all the difference. I hugged my wife and told her I was having a tough night. I was sorry, but she should probably give me a little space. Just for tonight. I hope you understand. She absolutely understoodÂ…thank god. Thank KTC.
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Last night was interesting...
My brothers in arms, I'm here to tell you that the legend is true. I'm on day 15 and was hoping to have no issue with the two week crave, but it's on...it is fucking on...
For me it's the rage. Or more specifically, the sudden awareness of the massive incompentence and stupidity of every fucking person in this filthy fucking city. All 8 million of them.
I've been left with no choice but to begin systematically exterminating these useless fuckers. By this time next week, NYC will be a wasteland of rotting flesh and I will walk the streets and relish the savagery of my work. My boots will be sticky with the blood and guts on the sidewalk. And I will live in peace for the rest of my days as I quitly wait for my time to burn in hell.
I will do all of these things...but I will not fucking dip.
awesome. I work in the city as well. I know how you feel. I commute home an hour a day. not dipping on the bus after a hard day has been the toughest. One day at a time!
Both of you are commanded to drink a beer with TCOPE on this Wednesday and we shall lay waste to the hordes.....pm me. I'm there
TCOPE
I'm in on Saturday. Let's do it!!!!!
You freaking rock!!!! Slay those bas tards!!!!
For those of you who don't know it when you see it, this is called therapy. What you don't know is all the things that went wrong at work that day, that I forgot my umbrella and had to commute home in the rain, that I felt like every person on the subway was trying their hardest to get in my way, that I was hungry, my blood sugar was low, my back was tense, I was a frayed bundle of nervesÂ…etc, etc, blah blah blah.
Look, I was nic ragin like a little bitchy girl who got grounded on prom night. I was irrational and flat out wrong to be mad at anybody. But the point is, I was on a hair trigger and was typing out the above message furiously as I heard the door open to our apt. My lovely and innocent wife had just entered the apt and was unknowingly walking directly into the lionÂ’s den. I could have ripped her head offÂ…it would have been so easy and sort of gratifying in a self indulgent sort of way. But the damage would have been so hard to repair. She doesnÂ’t know what IÂ’m feeling. She can try her hardest, and she would, but sheÂ’d just never understand and some part of her would always feel like she had done something to upset me, that it was somehow her fault. God, how awful would that be. Can you imagine after the nic rage passed, I would have been left with so much guilt. It would have been hard to bare.
But I didnÂ’t have to. So many of the KTC guys had already told me where to go when I felt the way I felt last night. I came to the boards and let it out. And it wasnÂ’t a moment too soon. I hit add reply and felt a lot better. Really, surprisingly better. I wanted to tell the world to fuck off and I had place that I could do it. It made all the difference. I hugged my wife and told her I was having a tough night. I was sorry, but she should probably give me a little space. Just for tonight. I hope you understand. She absolutely understoodÂ…thank god. Thank KTC.
It will get easier.
Soon the thoughts of a dip to cure whatever is ailing you will seem ridiculous. You will laugh in the face of tobacco. You will see "that kid" riding next to you on the Subway with his faggy pepsi bottle, spittin' in it. and you will say, "man what a douche he looks like".
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Day 18 - this site was officially no fuckin' help to me today. fog thicker than ever, rage fuckin sucks - every time i tried to read some posts i just kept finding myself sayin' what the fuck are these guys talkin' about. some guy posted a bunch of ones and zeros and called it a binary solo...that's when I knew I was in the wrong place
Chewed out DJS on the boards for something he said to Samcat...cant' remember what he said...felt like shit about it though...I can be a real dick at times. Fuck, third week officially sucks.
Not worried about caving at all...i feel like shit, but i don't find myself thinking i must have dip to feel better. it's more like i feel like shit and there's nothing i can do about. maybe that's what passes for progress around here. Fuck I got a conference call I gotta get on...I was gonna write about my first dip dream. Guess I'll have to do that after the call. fuck you.
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Dip dream - maybe one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had. pulled into a gas station and had the attendant fill up my tri-cycle. not sure why i was driving a tri-cycle, but I wasn't the only one. there was a tri-cycle at every pump. anyway, I walked into the store and came out with a tin of copenhagen. i set it on the seat and opened it up and me and the attendant were just staring at it. not saying anything, just looking at it, like we were trying to figure out what it was. so then i picked it up and took it over to the grass and dumped it out. I put the empty tin in my pocket and told the attendant that i'll use it to hold my chewing gum. then i drove off on my tri-cycle.
not sure what any of this means, especially since i always dipped skoal mint. i think most people freak at dip dreams because they actually dip in their dreams, and it's so life like that they wake up thinking they caved. well, i didn't dip in my dream, so maybe it doesn't count. fuck you if you don't like my dream.
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LOL - rage on brother.
You should know better than to go out on he town and visit those fancy lingere shops with TCOPE. That shit will fuck you up for weeks! Now you know better.
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Day 19 - timing is unfortunate, i find reading the posts less and less help at exactly the time that my quit is becoming more difficult. i've decided to hide in my room...maybe that's a weird way to think about it, but it's basically what I'm doing by posting on my own thread instead of posting in my quit group where everyone will read it and potentially respond to it. guess i don't feel like having a cyber conversation. i'll sit it here by myself and say whatever the fuck i want because for some reason, i feel like that will be more help than anything else today.
i've decided that fog is a bad word for the fog. i mean i guess it's good b/c everyone knows what you're talking about, but it's more like my head is twice as heavy as it was yesterday. at the same time, everything from my neck up has taken on a life of it's own. my brain thinks whatever the fuck it wants to - random thoughts in slow motion that make no sense, but before i realize it, i'm walking in traffic. my mouth is also a creature all it's own. i have no idea what's going to come out of it, but i'm sure it will offend somebody. Even my ears have deserted me - or maybe it's the connection between my ears and my brain - it seems like that connection is a light switch that i used to control and now I don't. it flicks on randomly during the day and all the sudden i can hear what people are saying to me. but every time it clicks on, people are saying things like, "are you listening to me?", or "what do you think about that?", or "so do you think we should do that?". Always a question, though. that stupid fuckin switch always flips on when someone's asking me a question. It would be a lot fuckin easier if people would ask more yes or no questions - at least give me a fightin' chance. what the fuck.
so it's friday. thank god. i just gotta make it through the day and then i can spend two days pretending like i have no responsbilities. i'm going to see how long i can go this weekend without making a single decision about anything. my brain is clearly busted, so i think i'll stop using it. that's the beauty of NYC, i can stumble around Time Square in pajamas stained with cheese doodle powder, drooling all over myself and singing gospel tunes and nobody would even turn to look at me. maybe i'll give that a try.
i don't know what else i want to write about, but for some reason this is cathardic (i don't care if i spelled that wrong). it's like there's a whole bunch of crap in my head that's making it hard to think, so maybe if i just get some of it out...it's like stream of consciousness...i read a book once called the the sound and the fury by faulkner. hard ass book to read, but i was determined. he writes in a stream of consciousness style that's hard as fuck to follow. the book is the same story told four times from the perspective of four different characters. the first one is the retarded brother - you think my head is fucked up... anyway, at the end of the book, i didn't think i got it. it was too hard to follow, but then someone asked me what the book was about and I was almost surprised that i could tell them. it was like faulkner was able to put the story in my head without my realizing it. it was a pretty seriousness mind fuck. now something else is putting shit in my head, but it's decidedly less fun...and it's way too much shit...that's why my head is heavy...too much extra shit...shit i don't need...shit on my shoes....i gotta take a shit....what was I talking about
so i been listening to my ipod as I've been writing this - no point in actually concentrating on what i'm saying since this is just a spew of bullshit anyway (i apologize to anyone who's wasted their time reading this shit). so i just listened to a blues tune by Dr. John that could pretty easily be altered to be a song about the fog...check this out...
I saddled a cow
I milked a horse
I greeted the time clock
Punched out my boss
All because....
All because I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
Ahhh me, oh my, oh no
Long ago, I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
My head is swimming
Nearly blew my fuse
Tied knots in my spaghetti
Poured ketchup on my shoes
All because...(chorus)
I smoked my pillow
I patted my pipe
I hugged my quilt
And I kissed it goodnight
All because...(chorus)
not bad, right - that's the most coherent thought I've had all day, so at least pretend like you're impressed with it. you gotta be nice to me, or i'll kick you out of my room. fuck i need a nap.
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Day 19 - timing is unfortunate, i find reading the posts less and less help at exactly the time that my quit is becoming more difficult. i've decided to hide in my room...maybe that's a weird way to think about it, but it's basically what I'm doing by posting on my own thread instead of posting in my quit group where everyone will read it and potentially respond to it. guess i don't feel like having a cyber conversation. i'll sit it here by myself and say whatever the fuck i want because for some reason, i feel like that will be more help than anything else today.
i've decided that fog is a bad word for the fog. i mean i guess it's good b/c everyone knows what you're talking about, but it's more like my head is twice as heavy as it was yesterday. at the same time, everything from my neck up has taken on a life of it's own. my brain thinks whatever the fuck it wants to - random thoughts in slow motion that make no sense, but before i realize it, i'm walking in traffic. my mouth is also a creature all it's own. i have no idea what's going to come out of it, but i'm sure it will offend somebody. Even my ears have deserted me - or maybe it's the connection between my ears and my brain - it seems like that connection is a light switch that i used to control and now I don't. it flicks on randomly during the day and all the sudden i can hear what people are saying to me. but every time it clicks on, people are saying things like, "are you listening to me?", or "what do you think about that?", or "so do you think we should do that?". Always a question, though. that stupid fuckin switch always flips on when someone's asking me a question. It would be a lot fuckin easier if people would ask more yes or no questions - at least give me a fightin' chance. what the fuck.
so it's friday. thank god. i just gotta make it through the day and then i can spend two days pretending like i have no responsbilities. i'm going to see how long i can go this weekend without making a single decision about anything. my brain is clearly busted, so i think i'll stop using it. that's the beauty of NYC, i can stumble around Time Square in pajamas stained with cheese doodle powder, drooling all over myself and singing gospel tunes and nobody would even turn to look at me. maybe i'll give that a try.
i don't know what else i want to write about, but for some reason this is cathardic (i don't care if i spelled that wrong). it's like there's a whole bunch of crap in my head that's making it hard to think, so maybe if i just get some of it out...it's like stream of consciousness...i read a book once called the the sound and the fury by faulkner. hard ass book to read, but i was determined. he writes in a stream of consciousness style that's hard as fuck to follow. the book is the same story told four times from the perspective of four different characters. the first one is the retarded brother - you think my head is fucked up... anyway, at the end of the book, i didn't think i got it. it was too hard to follow, but then someone asked me what the book was about and I was almost surprised that i could tell them. it was like faulkner was able to put the story in my head without my realizing it. it was a pretty seriousness mind fuck. now something else is putting shit in my head, but it's decidedly less fun...and it's way too much shit...that's why my head is heavy...too much extra shit...shit i don't need...shit on my shoes....i gotta take a shit....what was I talking about
so i been listening to my ipod as I've been writing this - no point in actually concentrating on what i'm saying since this is just a spew of bullshit anyway (i apologize to anyone who's wasted their time reading this shit). so i just listened to a blues tune by Dr. John that could pretty easily be altered to be a song about the fog...check this out...
I saddled a cow
I milked a horse
I greeted the time clock
Punched out my boss
All because....
All because I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
Ahhh me, oh my, oh no
Long ago, I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
My head is swimming
Nearly blew my fuse
Tied knots in my spaghetti
Poured ketchup on my shoes
All because...(chorus)
I smoked my pillow
I patted my pipe
I hugged my quilt
And I kissed it goodnight
All because...(chorus)
not bad, right - that's the most coherent thought I've had all day, so at least pretend like you're impressed with it. you gotta be nice to me, or i'll kick you out of my room. fuck i need a nap.
Great posts and keep 'em coming. They help us too.
All of your physical symptoms are pretty much par for the course. Headaches, scatter brains, wanting to "off" stupid people and a full blown case of the "fuck it"s is part of the healing process. (literary verbosity isn't a normality but I enjoy it)
I can absolutely tell you that it gets so much better. I can't tell you when but I can tell you it does. Hang in there bro and keep doing what's working for you.
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Day 19 - timing is unfortunate, i find reading the posts less and less help at exactly the time that my quit is becoming more difficult. i've decided to hide in my room...maybe that's a weird way to think about it, but it's basically what I'm doing by posting on my own thread instead of posting in my quit group where everyone will read it and potentially respond to it. guess i don't feel like having a cyber conversation. i'll sit it here by myself and say whatever the fuck i want because for some reason, i feel like that will be more help than anything else today.
i've decided that fog is a bad word for the fog. i mean i guess it's good b/c everyone knows what you're talking about, but it's more like my head is twice as heavy as it was yesterday. at the same time, everything from my neck up has taken on a life of it's own. my brain thinks whatever the fuck it wants to - random thoughts in slow motion that make no sense, but before i realize it, i'm walking in traffic. my mouth is also a creature all it's own. i have no idea what's going to come out of it, but i'm sure it will offend somebody. Even my ears have deserted me - or maybe it's the connection between my ears and my brain - it seems like that connection is a light switch that i used to control and now I don't. it flicks on randomly during the day and all the sudden i can hear what people are saying to me. but every time it clicks on, people are saying things like, "are you listening to me?", or "what do you think about that?", or "so do you think we should do that?". Always a question, though. that stupid fuckin switch always flips on when someone's asking me a question. It would be a lot fuckin easier if people would ask more yes or no questions - at least give me a fightin' chance. what the fuck.
so it's friday. thank god. i just gotta make it through the day and then i can spend two days pretending like i have no responsbilities. i'm going to see how long i can go this weekend without making a single decision about anything. my brain is clearly busted, so i think i'll stop using it. that's the beauty of NYC, i can stumble around Time Square in pajamas stained with cheese doodle powder, drooling all over myself and singing gospel tunes and nobody would even turn to look at me. maybe i'll give that a try.
i don't know what else i want to write about, but for some reason this is cathardic (i don't care if i spelled that wrong). it's like there's a whole bunch of crap in my head that's making it hard to think, so maybe if i just get some of it out...it's like stream of consciousness...i read a book once called the the sound and the fury by faulkner. hard ass book to read, but i was determined. he writes in a stream of consciousness style that's hard as fuck to follow. the book is the same story told four times from the perspective of four different characters. the first one is the retarded brother - you think my head is fucked up... anyway, at the end of the book, i didn't think i got it. it was too hard to follow, but then someone asked me what the book was about and I was almost surprised that i could tell them. it was like faulkner was able to put the story in my head without my realizing it. it was a pretty seriousness mind fuck. now something else is putting shit in my head, but it's decidedly less fun...and it's way too much shit...that's why my head is heavy...too much extra shit...shit i don't need...shit on my shoes....i gotta take a shit....what was I talking about
so i been listening to my ipod as I've been writing this - no point in actually concentrating on what i'm saying since this is just a spew of bullshit anyway (i apologize to anyone who's wasted their time reading this shit). so i just listened to a blues tune by Dr. John that could pretty easily be altered to be a song about the fog...check this out...
I saddled a cow
I milked a horse
I greeted the time clock
Punched out my boss
All because....
All because I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
Ahhh me, oh my, oh no
Long ago, I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
My head is swimming
Nearly blew my fuse
Tied knots in my spaghetti
Poured ketchup on my shoes
All because...(chorus)
I smoked my pillow
I patted my pipe
I hugged my quilt
And I kissed it goodnight
All because...(chorus)
not bad, right - that's the most coherent thought I've had all day, so at least pretend like you're impressed with it. you gotta be nice to me, or i'll kick you out of my room. fuck i need a nap.
Great posts and keep 'em coming. They help us too.
All of your physical symptoms are pretty much par for the course. Headaches, scatter brains, wanting to "off" stupid people and a full blown case of the "fuck it"s is part of the healing process. (literary verbosity isn't a normality but I enjoy it)
I can absolutely tell you that it gets so much better. I can't tell you when but I can tell you it does. Hang in there bro and keep doing what's working for you.
Yessir you are in the fog, I can remember it clearly. It's great that your are writing about it because if you ever think about dipping again you can read this and realize that you will NEVER go through that again.
Keep drinking lots of water, caffeine seemed to help me snap out of it.
volp is 100% correct, it WILL go away, you WILL feel better, we WILL be there with you.
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i think i might be invisible. or maybe i just keep saying stupid shit so nobody's listening...
did you say something...
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Man I am on day 5 and shit I feel the same way. Your post is freaken wicked man. Now I have a book to buy this weekend.
Stay quit! Is the only option!
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i think i might be invisible. or maybe i just keep saying stupid shit so nobody's listening...
did you say something...
You are being watched and looked after.
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i think i might be invisible. or maybe i just keep saying stupid shit so nobody's listening...
did you say something...
You are being watched and looked after.
thanks, man. that's comforting. so you'll stop me before I do anything that will get me jail time, right?
just kidding. seriously, though, thanks for the post. nice to know you got my back, brother.
-KD
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Man I am on day 5 and shit I feel the same way. Your post is freaken wicked man. Now I have a book to buy this weekend.
Stay quit! Is the only option!
hey brother - if my math is right, you're hitting week one right about now. i guess congratulations are in order. i read your intro - looks like you and i have the rage in common. keep on writing that thread, man. i know one day the nic bitch is going to get in my head and try to convince me that all this quittin' wasn't actually that bad. i want this thread to come back to so I'll never forget how much this sucks. i recommend you do the same.
so I just hit three weeks. never thought that this would be the hardest part of my quit. but as i think back, i did have a lot of quits that failed at two weeks. maybe i'm just wired to be susceptible to that two week crave. anyway, thanks to this site, i knew it was coming and I conquered that fucker. there were a lot of things I didn't get done last week, but I did do the one thing that mattered. i stayed the fuck quit.
anyway, not sure if you were serious about picking up that faulkner book. it's a hell of an amazing book, but probably wouldn't recommend it during a quit. it would probably just piss you off. maybe try count of monte cristo - kick ass book about seriously diabolical revenge, or one of the great horror books - stoker's dracula is an amazing read.
See on the boards man - stay quit and don't hesitate to reach out if you need
anything..
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small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can. not that anyone else cares, but i care. because it means i can do this quit thing. every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine. it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere... how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit... these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen. and everyone on this site knows it. you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.
well today was a big re-wiring experience for me. an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch. i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes. i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful. as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing. they tend to be unforgiving.
so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off. get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand.
I decided to stretch my legs and get some air. I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park. it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety. as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing. trying to clear my head and think things through.
It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly. Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip. hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip. So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.
so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St. i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.
One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...
-
small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can. not that anyone else cares, but i care. because it means i can do this quit thing. every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine. it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere... how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit... these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen. and everyone on this site knows it. you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.
well today was a big re-wiring experience for me. an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch. i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes. i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful. as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing. they tend to be unforgiving.
so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off. get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand.
I decided to stretch my legs and get some air. I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park. it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety. as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing. trying to clear my head and think things through.
It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly. Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip. hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip. So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.
so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St. i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.
One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...
That is a great example. Every seemingly sticky situation or crave we beat back helps clear the overall BS addict logic out of the system. You did a great job of describing that process. I'm still going through the internal argument/reminder that dip doesn't make jackall easier. It's cool, though, because each time we beat back those misguided thoughts, it gets easier, more matter of fact.
This conclusion, awesome: "So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously."
Basically, I'm finding I can get to this conclusion much more quickly and easily, without all the hoopla, the further into my quit I get.
Nice work.
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kd,
I was reading your posts about your dreams, I am on day 38 and just as of last weekend I had my second dip dream, however in my dreams I dip, and I awake pissed off and really thinking I had a dip.
I really let myself down and I think that helps me with my quit, seems like my dreams are just giving me a little taste of reality to keep me on my toes. Make sense to ya? Hope so and good luck with the tricycles sounds interesting. keep your threads rolling i really enjoy reading them and they seem to help me as well.
superjet
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small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can. not that anyone else cares, but i care. because it means i can do this quit thing. every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine. it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere... how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit... these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen. and everyone on this site knows it. you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.
well today was a big re-wiring experience for me. an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch. i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes. i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful. as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing. they tend to be unforgiving.
so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off. get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand.Â
I decided to stretch my legs and get some air. I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park. it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety. as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing. trying to clear my head and think things through.Â
It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly. Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip. hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip. So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.
so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St. i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.
One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...
That is a great example. Every seemingly sticky situation or crave we beat back helps clear the overall BS addict logic out of the system. You did a great job of describing that process. I'm still going through the internal argument/reminder that dip doesn't make jackall easier. It's cool, though, because each time we beat back those misguided thoughts, it gets easier, more matter of fact.
This conclusion, awesome: "So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously."
Basically, I'm finding I can get to this conclusion much more quickly and easily, without all the hoopla, the further into my quit I get.
Nice work.
Man another great post. Thanks for the feed back!
I think you are really hitting the nail on the head. I used the "how can I do this without dip" argument to postpone my quit. How the nic gets deep in the cracks of our reality! We think we can't do anything without it. F the nic bitch!
I was serious about buying the book. I might hold off until my mind is completely wrapped around my quit. I have read the other two books.
Cheers!
James
-
small victories
gotta take pride in 'em when you can. not that anyone else cares, but i care. because it means i can do this quit thing. every day, chipping away at all the nic logic that had me convinced that there was so much I wouldn't be able to do without nicotine. it helped me study/concentrate/focus/perservere... how am i gonna handle all the really hard challenges in life...i don't need it for the day to day stuff, just when i have a big exam/presentation/budget review/performance review/essay to write/application to submit... these are the cracks in the door, gentelmen. and everyone on this site knows it. you leave that crack for nicotine to get in and eventually you also convince yourself that you need it to mow the lawn/take out the trash/clean the bathroom/scratch your nuts, or any other mundane task you can think of.
well today was a big re-wiring experience for me. an opportunity to teach myself that I can do it without my crutch. i occassionally have to present to the heads of the firm i work for...they can be some pretty intimidating dudes. i've presented to them quite a few times now, but my experience has made it only moderately less stressful. as a private company, i'm literally spending these guy's money on the project i'm developing. they tend to be unforgiving.
so my time slot today was late in the day...that really pisses me off. get to spend the whole day thinking about it, stressin', sweatin', thinking about how I could just relax if I headed down to the bodega on 3rd ave - that dude always has my brand.Â
I decided to stretch my legs and get some air. I walked out of my office building and straight towards the park. it's a pretty ritzy neighborhood by the park and i have literally never been able to find dip in this part of town...so some measure of safety. as i walked on towards the park, I just focused on breathing slowly and relaxing. trying to clear my head and think things through.Â
It was all very zen at first, but then i got tired of that pretty quickly. Then, I thought maybe i should stop being such a fuckin drama queen and just man up and convince myself that I can give a fuckin presentation without dip. hell, i already wrote all the material for the presentation...didn't need dip for that...won't be able to dip during the presentation...really, no fuckin need for dip. So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously.
so apperently, I grew a pair somewhere on Madison Ave near 58th St. i came back to the office and ran through my schtick a couple of times, gave a kick ass presentation and proved to myself that there's one more thing i can do without the tin.
One day at a time gentlemen...one fuckin day at a time...
That is a great example. Every seemingly sticky situation or crave we beat back helps clear the overall BS addict logic out of the system. You did a great job of describing that process. I'm still going through the internal argument/reminder that dip doesn't make jackall easier. It's cool, though, because each time we beat back those misguided thoughts, it gets easier, more matter of fact.
This conclusion, awesome: "So there you have it...no need for dip...really...ever...seriously."
Basically, I'm finding I can get to this conclusion much more quickly and easily, without all the hoopla, the further into my quit I get.
Nice work.
Man another great post. Thanks for the feed back!
I think you are really hitting the nail on the head. I used the "how can I do this without dip" argument to postpone my quit. How the nic gets deep in the cracks of our reality! We think we can't do anything without it. F the nic bitch!
I was serious about buying the book. I might hold off until my mind is completely wrapped around my quit. I have read the other two books.
Cheers!
James
Werd !!!
For me getting my mind right was HUGE to my quit. Sitting around bitching about it, or worrying how bad it will be without it will make this SOO much harder. Wake up each day and get pissed !! FUCK UST and all those poison selling fuckers. They are not happy that they hooked you, they also want your KIDS.
Get your mind right and this does become much easier to do !!
Keep rocking your quits... you are doing great !
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Day 24 - I think I might feel better...
the late day sun is shining through my office window. it's quiet since most of my co-workers have left. i had a big day with a successful meeting with a very important partner. if i wasn't stayin' off the sauce, i'd say it's miller time.
for the first time since i quit, i see some evidence of truth to the statement that several veterans have repeatedly written on this thread. "hang tough", they'd say. "it will get better". it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. i remember saying this over and over to myself with my jaw set and that funky looking vein popping out of my forehead as I fought the craves and the funk and the fog...for the love of god, when is it going to get better?!?!?!
i can't remember if i've said this before, but i'm still shocked at how hard week three was for me. i never would have thought. this is a perfect example of why i wanted to document my quit. i know i'm a dumb fuck now, so it stands to reason that my future self will also be a dumb fuck. since i feel like i'm experiencing an uncharacteristic moment of clarity, i will make what i believe is a reasonable assumption...i will assume that my present self is moderately less of a dumb fuck than my future self. so i'm going to get a little preachy on my future self:
Dear Future Self:
Remember day 14? You felt great, like the hard part was behind you, like success was all but gauranteed. Then day 15 came at you like the wrath of God descending upon your sorry little head. You couldn't think, you snapped at everyone, you were useless at work (and I mean fucking useless), you ate disgustingly massive amounts of junk food, you were tormented by your miniscule attention span, you felt like there was nowhere to hide. You ran, you sweat, you shook, you prayed for the strength to get through these cravings. REMEMBER THESE THINGS YOU FUCKING MORON.
This feeling lasted for a solid nine days and I'm still shocked that you didn't cave because I know what a puss you can be. You can't do it again. You can't. Remember that when the voice in your head whispers to you that you can handle just one...for the love of god, don't listen to that voice.
Signed,
Your Slightly Less Idiotic Past Self
P.S. Stay quit you stupid fuck
and for any newbies out there trolling these boards trying to decide if they should quit, think about this. i told you that the veterans kept telling me that it will get better. i feel like i heard that a hundred times. the truth is, I probably did hear it a hundred times. and I'm only three and a half weeks into my quit. but the amount of support you get on this site is commensurate to depth of your suffering. and each time I called out, i was answered. if that was a hundred times, so be it. it's almost hard to believe that it's true and i can't figure out why these guys do it. but they're here for you and you're nuts if you don't take advantage of it. you'll never find a better site, so dump your can in the shitter and get your sorry ass in here.
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Day 24 - I think I might feel better...
the late day sun is shining through my office window. it's quiet since most of my co-workers have left. i had a big day with a successful meeting with a very important partner. if i wasn't stayin' off the sauce, i'd say it's miller time.
for the first time since i quit, i see some evidence of truth to the statement that several veterans have repeatedly written on this thread. "hang tough", they'd say. "it will get better". it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. i remember saying this over and over to myself with my jaw set and that funky looking vein popping out of my forehead as I fought the craves and the funk and the fog...for the love of god, when is it going to get better?!?!?!
i can't remember if i've said this before, but i'm still shocked at how hard week three was for me. i never would have thought. this is a perfect example of why i wanted to document my quit. i know i'm a dumb fuck now, so it stands to reason that my future self will also be a dumb fuck. since i feel like i'm experiencing an uncharacteristic moment of clarity, i will make what i believe is a reasonable assumption...i will assume that my present self is moderately less of a dumb fuck than my future self. so i'm going to get a little preachy on my future self:
Dear Future Self:
Remember day 14? You felt great, like the hard part was behind you, like success was all but gauranteed. Then day 15 came at you like the wrath of God descending upon your sorry little head. You couldn't think, you snapped at everyone, you were useless at work (and I mean fucking useless), you ate disgustingly massive amounts of junk food, you were tormented by your miniscule attention span, you felt like there was nowhere to hide. You ran, you sweat, you shook, you prayed for the strength to get through these cravings. REMEMBER THESE THINGS YOU FUCKING MORON.
This feeling lasted for a solid nine days and I'm still shocked that you didn't cave because I know what a puss you can be. You can't do it again. You can't. Remember that when the voice in your head whispers to you that you can handle just one...for the love of god, don't listen to that voice.
Signed,
Your Slightly Less Idiotic Past Self
P.S. Stay quit you stupid fuck
and for any newbies out there trolling these boards trying to decide if they should quit, think about this. i told you that the veterans kept telling me that it will get better. i feel like i heard that a hundred times. the truth is, I probably did hear it a hundred times. and I'm only three and a half weeks into my quit. but the amount of support you get on this site is commensurate to depth of your suffering. and each time I called out, i was answered. if that was a hundred times, so be it. it's almost hard to believe that it's true and i can't figure out why these guys do it. but they're here for you and you're nuts if you don't take advantage of it. you'll never find a better site, so dump your can in the shitter and get your sorry ass in here.
good shit...
-
Day 24 - I think I might feel better...
the late day sun is shining through my office window. it's quiet since most of my co-workers have left. i had a big day with a successful meeting with a very important partner. if i wasn't stayin' off the sauce, i'd say it's miller time.
for the first time since i quit, i see some evidence of truth to the statement that several veterans have repeatedly written on this thread. "hang tough", they'd say. "it will get better". it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. i remember saying this over and over to myself with my jaw set and that funky looking vein popping out of my forehead as I fought the craves and the funk and the fog...for the love of god, when is it going to get better?!?!?!
i can't remember if i've said this before, but i'm still shocked at how hard week three was for me. i never would have thought. this is a perfect example of why i wanted to document my quit. i know i'm a dumb fuck now, so it stands to reason that my future self will also be a dumb fuck. since i feel like i'm experiencing an uncharacteristic moment of clarity, i will make what i believe is a reasonable assumption...i will assume that my present self is moderately less of a dumb fuck than my future self. so i'm going to get a little preachy on my future self:
Dear Future Self:
Remember day 14? You felt great, like the hard part was behind you, like success was all but gauranteed. Then day 15 came at you like the wrath of God descending upon your sorry little head. You couldn't think, you snapped at everyone, you were useless at work (and I mean fucking useless), you ate disgustingly massive amounts of junk food, you were tormented by your miniscule attention span, you felt like there was nowhere to hide. You ran, you sweat, you shook, you prayed for the strength to get through these cravings. REMEMBER THESE THINGS YOU FUCKING MORON.
This feeling lasted for a solid nine days and I'm still shocked that you didn't cave because I know what a puss you can be. You can't do it again. You can't. Remember that when the voice in your head whispers to you that you can handle just one...for the love of god, don't listen to that voice.
Signed,
Your Slightly Less Idiotic Past Self
P.S. Stay quit you stupid fuck
and for any newbies out there trolling these boards trying to decide if they should quit, think about this. i told you that the veterans kept telling me that it will get better. i feel like i heard that a hundred times. the truth is, I probably did hear it a hundred times. and I'm only three and a half weeks into my quit. but the amount of support you get on this site is commensurate to depth of your suffering. and each time I called out, i was answered. if that was a hundred times, so be it. it's almost hard to believe that it's true and i can't figure out why these guys do it. but they're here for you and you're nuts if you don't take advantage of it. you'll never find a better site, so dump your can in the shitter and get your sorry ass in here.
kd - i was having a real tough time around my third week as well and i was on here like i usually am especially when im having trouble, and i read a thread about how your 14th day for many often feels like you are right back to day 2. i never had this around my day 14, it was more like day 25, right about where you are now, and dude i was losing it i really felt like complete dog shit this may be what you are going through...
And don't sweat it, you WILL pull through, and I can personally tell you it does get better. You got this.
-
Day 24 - I think I might feel better...
the late day sun is shining through my office window. it's quiet since most of my co-workers have left. i had a big day with a successful meeting with a very important partner. if i wasn't stayin' off the sauce, i'd say it's miller time.
for the first time since i quit, i see some evidence of truth to the statement that several veterans have repeatedly written on this thread. "hang tough", they'd say. "it will get better". it will get better, it will get better, it will get better. i remember saying this over and over to myself with my jaw set and that funky looking vein popping out of my forehead as I fought the craves and the funk and the fog...for the love of god, when is it going to get better?!?!?!
i can't remember if i've said this before, but i'm still shocked at how hard week three was for me. i never would have thought. this is a perfect example of why i wanted to document my quit. i know i'm a dumb fuck now, so it stands to reason that my future self will also be a dumb fuck. since i feel like i'm experiencing an uncharacteristic moment of clarity, i will make what i believe is a reasonable assumption...i will assume that my present self is moderately less of a dumb fuck than my future self. so i'm going to get a little preachy on my future self:
Dear Future Self:
Remember day 14? You felt great, like the hard part was behind you, like success was all but gauranteed. Then day 15 came at you like the wrath of God descending upon your sorry little head. You couldn't think, you snapped at everyone, you were useless at work (and I mean fucking useless), you ate disgustingly massive amounts of junk food, you were tormented by your miniscule attention span, you felt like there was nowhere to hide. You ran, you sweat, you shook, you prayed for the strength to get through these cravings. REMEMBER THESE THINGS YOU FUCKING MORON.
This feeling lasted for a solid nine days and I'm still shocked that you didn't cave because I know what a puss you can be. You can't do it again. You can't. Remember that when the voice in your head whispers to you that you can handle just one...for the love of god, don't listen to that voice.
Signed,
Your Slightly Less Idiotic Past Self
P.S. Stay quit you stupid fuck
and for any newbies out there trolling these boards trying to decide if they should quit, think about this. i told you that the veterans kept telling me that it will get better. i feel like i heard that a hundred times. the truth is, I probably did hear it a hundred times. and I'm only three and a half weeks into my quit. but the amount of support you get on this site is commensurate to depth of your suffering. and each time I called out, i was answered. if that was a hundred times, so be it. it's almost hard to believe that it's true and i can't figure out why these guys do it. but they're here for you and you're nuts if you don't take advantage of it. you'll never find a better site, so dump your can in the shitter and get your sorry ass in here.
Excellent post. I remember the feelings well. Nine shitty days followed by a bit of clarity and a couple of really GREAT days. I know you have heard it hundreds of times already but the bad days get farther apart and you will have more good days.
For me this site saved my ass more than once. Like you say you get on here and sing out and you get more help than you can imagine. I read on here a statement that went something like this and it really helped me.
When you are having a bad day your are "working" your quit. When everything is going well you are "living" your quit. Work your ass off when you need to, and enjoy living when you get the chances.
Great work... you got this !!
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Day 29
IÂ’m tired. Man, IÂ’m tired. Closing in on a month. I thought IÂ’d feel more like celebrating. More than anything else IÂ’m disappointed with how much I still have to fight, how much time I spend doing weird stuff thatÂ’s obviously related to my quit, how much time I spend yielding to every impulse but one.
Yesterday, I spent the whole day planning to go to the gym, but could never actually get myself to go. Eventually I went to McDonaldÂ’s, bought enough food for three people and ate until I was literally sick. I had painful stomach cramps and ended up on the crapper for about half an hour. By the time I finally got up, I had flushed three or four times and my legs were asleep. Then I sat up until 2am watching TV knowing that I had to get up for work at 6am. And I donÂ’t know why. Why not just go to bed and tick off another day? I think itÂ’s because I used to love throwing in a dip and reading in bed. With my wife out of town, maybe I thought crawling into bed would be a trigger. IÂ’m just guessing, though. If thatÂ’s what made me stay up, it was completely subconscious. I didnÂ’t feel like I was fighting a craving. I just felt like I was being a lazy, self-indulgent slob.
Of course, now I’m exhausted. Can’t concentrate at work. Can’t concentrate on this fucking post. I keep writing and deleting and re-writing because I don’t know what the fuck I’m trying to say. I just know that I’m nowhere close to normal. I guess I didn’t expect to be, but maybe I thought I’d feel a little more normal than I do. My mouth is killing me…mostly because I’m on my 7th or 8th atomic fireball. I’ve only done one thing at work today. Had to write an email…took all morning. Actually got a call from some of the guys on my team who wanted my input on something. I acted like I was up against a deadline and couldn’t help them. I asked them to email me their questions and I would get back to them “as soon as I can get out from under a few things”. There are no things…I have not opened the email they sent…this is not the hard part of my job…
Holy shit, itÂ’s almost 3:00. How long have I been writing this post? Is this helping any? Will I feel any better when I hit send? Did I feel better while I wrote this? Is there any killer quit wisdom in this post? Will I continue to carry the morning paper on my commute despite lacking the concentration to read it? Will I continue to treat the tight fit of my clothes as a temporary condition? For how long will I exercise so excessively that I have to limp to the counter to order four cheeseburgers for dinner? Was I ever really a friendly guy? Can I be sure that all the people IÂ’ve killed during my quit were actually in my imagination? Am I the only guy that visualizes the nic bitch as a cartoon?
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Day 29
IÂ’m tired. Man, IÂ’m tired. Closing in on a month. I thought IÂ’d feel more like celebrating. More than anything else IÂ’m disappointed with how much I still have to fight, how much time I spend doing weird stuff thatÂ’s obviously related to my quit, how much time I spend yielding to every impulse but one.
Yesterday, I spent the whole day planning to go to the gym, but could never actually get myself to go. Eventually I went to McDonaldÂ’s, bought enough food for three people and ate until I was literally sick. I had painful stomach cramps and ended up on the crapper for about half an hour. By the time I finally got up, I had flushed three or four times and my legs were asleep. Then I sat up until 2am watching TV knowing that I had to get up for work at 6am. And I donÂ’t know why. Why not just go to bed and tick off another day? I think itÂ’s because I used to love throwing in a dip and reading in bed. With my wife out of town, maybe I thought crawling into bed would be a trigger. IÂ’m just guessing, though. If thatÂ’s what made me stay up, it was completely subconscious. I didnÂ’t feel like I was fighting a craving. I just felt like I was being a lazy, self-indulgent slob.
Of course, now I’m exhausted. Can’t concentrate at work. Can’t concentrate on this fucking post. I keep writing and deleting and re-writing because I don’t know what the fuck I’m trying to say. I just know that I’m nowhere close to normal. I guess I didn’t expect to be, but maybe I thought I’d feel a little more normal than I do. My mouth is killing me…mostly because I’m on my 7th or 8th atomic fireball. I’ve only done one thing at work today. Had to write an email…took all morning. Actually got a call from some of the guys on my team who wanted my input on something. I acted like I was up against a deadline and couldn’t help them. I asked them to email me their questions and I would get back to them “as soon as I can get out from under a few things”. There are no things…I have not opened the email they sent…this is not the hard part of my job…
Holy shit, itÂ’s almost 3:00. How long have I been writing this post? Is this helping any? Will I feel any better when I hit send? Did I feel better while I wrote this? Is there any killer quit wisdom in this post? Will I continue to carry the morning paper on my commute despite lacking the concentration to read it? Will I continue to treat the tight fit of my clothes as a temporary condition? For how long will I exercise so excessively that I have to limp to the counter to order four cheeseburgers for dinner? Was I ever really a friendly guy? Can I be sure that all the people IÂ’ve killed during my quit were actually in my imagination? Am I the only guy that visualizes the nic bitch as a cartoon?
Your last two posts certainly illustrate the ups and downs of this journey. Best advice here would be to simply go back and read your last post. It was very upbeat and you felt good.
You will continue to feel the highs and lows. Just remember the highs as you go through what you have been the last few days.
You are still quit, you have not caved, you do not have to face a day 1-3 ever again.
It will get better
I promise
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Day 29
IÂ’m tired. Man, IÂ’m tired. Closing in on a month. I thought IÂ’d feel more like celebrating. More than anything else IÂ’m disappointed with how much I still have to fight, how much time I spend doing weird stuff thatÂ’s obviously related to my quit, how much time I spend yielding to every impulse but one.Â
Yesterday, I spent the whole day planning to go to the gym, but could never actually get myself to go. Eventually I went to McDonald’s, bought enough food for three people and ate until I was literally sick. I had painful stomach cramps and ended up on the crapper for about half an hour. By the time I finally got up, I had flushed three or four times and my legs were asleep. Then I sat up until 2am watching TV knowing that I had to get up for work at 6am. And I don’t know why. Why not just go to bed and tick off another day? I think it’s because I used to love throwing in a dip and reading in bed. With my wife out of town, maybe I thought crawling into bed would be a trigger. I’m just guessing, though. If that’s what made me stay up, it was completely subconscious. I didn’t feel like I was fighting a craving. I just felt like I was being a lazy, self-indulgent slob.
Of course, now I’m exhausted. Can’t concentrate at work. Can’t concentrate on this fucking post. I keep writing and deleting and re-writing because I don’t know what the fuck I’m trying to say. I just know that I’m nowhere close to normal. I guess I didn’t expect to be, but maybe I thought I’d feel a little more normal than I do. My mouth is killing me…mostly because I’m on my 7th or 8th atomic fireball. I’ve only done one thing at work today. Had to write an email…took all morning. Actually got a call from some of the guys on my team who wanted my input on something. I acted like I was up against a deadline and couldn’t help them. I asked them to email me their questions and I would get back to them “as soon as I can get out from under a few things”. There are no things…I have not opened the email they sent…this is not the hard part of my job…
Holy shit, it’s almost 3:00. How long have I been writing this post? Is this helping any? Will I feel any better when I hit send? Did I feel better while I wrote this? Is there any killer quit wisdom in this post? Will I continue to carry the morning paper on my commute despite lacking the concentration to read it? Will I continue to treat the tight fit of my clothes as a temporary condition? For how long will I exercise so excessively that I have to limp to the counter to order four cheeseburgers for dinner? Was I ever really a friendly guy? Can I be sure that all the people I’ve killed during my quit were actually in my imagination? Am I the only guy that visualizes the nic bitch as a cartoon?
Your last two posts certainly illustrate the ups and downs of this journey. Best advice here would be to simply go back and read your last post. It was very upbeat and you felt good.
You will continue to feel the highs and lows. Just remember the highs as you go through what you have been the last few days.
You are still quit, you have not caved, you do not have to face a day 1-3 ever again.
It will get better
I promise
Yep, agree with Steeler. I can say that the last week has been pretty good. Better concentration, finally starting to get my diet half way back in check. Starting to have mediumish motivation, calmer.
You just did a nice job of describing what I was feeling on and off for the first 30-45 days. Just. Could. Not. Concentrate. I was procrastinating so much at work due to inability to concentrate that I was starting to worry I'd get fired if anyone figured out how far behind I was. I'm catching up now. I'll have shitty days moving forward, but it's getting better.
Regarding the trail of dip rage inspired death and destruction you have been leaving in your wake, just keep an eye out for unmarked Chevy Caprices or Ford Crown Victorias following you. If you don't see any, I wouldn't worry about it. You probably didn't kill anyone in real life.
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Day 33 - Going on the offensive
Closing in on week five. These weekly milestones have not been the celebrations I thought they'd be. I thought I'd be psyched, proud of myself, relishing my new found freedom, etc. I think the 2 week mark was the last time I felt that way. Ever since day 15 I've felt like I've just barely been surviving. Week 3 was way harder than I thought it was going to be with dip rage that had me foaming at the mouth. For most of week 4 I just felt like a wandering drooling moron who couldn't put a sentance together. In week 5, I made the subtle transition from fog to funk which felt like going from stupid to depressed.
I did have one good day in my fourth week and I'm glad I wrote it down when it happened. I think I would have forgotten it otherwise. The vets keep telling me that these good days start slow. But eventually they happen more and more often and the bad days get further and further apart. I learned a lot about this when I read Greg's quit journal. Maybe my good days aren't that close together yet, but the fact that I've had a few means progress. Fuck a duck, I guess I'm winning. And guess what...I got nowhere to go but up.
Took me a while to realize this since my brain has been fairly useless as of late. But once I did, I made a conscious decision to re-assert my ownership of my quit. I need to get energized and fight complacency. I think I've learned that a passive quit won't work for me. I don't know if I can count today as a good day, but I do feel more in charge since making that decision. I'm reaching out to my quit brothers and strengthening my relationship with them. I'm showing my gratitude for they're support and looking for ways to pay it forward. I want to do everything I can to make this quit successful and march with my newfound brothers towards everlasting freedom. Goddamn...I can almost smell it.
So, I don't see a whole lot of thanks on this site except for in HOF speeches, but I got a massive amount of help this week and it really carried me through. I know nobody on this site is looking for recognition, but I want you to know that what you do here is changing my life. Thanks Steeler, Teamgreen, DJS, markr and kd4jet. ALBYJAY, thanks for returning my call, man. Volp, you're my quit guru, brother. And Greg5280, thanks for your journal entries about going for walks every night with your daughter. You reminded me that I want to ge a good father when my first son comes along. Thanks for that, man.
Til next time. -KD out
-
KD,
If one thing I said keeps you quit for a day then my ramblings are worth it. Keep fighting my friend, it really IS worth it.
-
Uugggghh! I may need to change my screen name. I suck at riding motorcycles. Any want a good deal on a used R6? 'bang head' 'bang head' 'bang head'
-
Can’t believe I’m back in here. But if one’s things clear, it’s that I’ve still got a lot to learn, so I think continuing to document this journey is important. Seems like “Dragger Gate” might finally be winding down a bit. I have to admit, it was harder than I thought it would be. So much thrashing, it was a lot to process. I’m pretty sure somewhere along the way, I became Gator’s girlfriend. I’m learning a lot about what an abusive relationship feels like.
ThereÂ’s no doubt IÂ’m glad I came back, but IÂ’m not sure IÂ’ve really gotten a grip on why yet. Bama Dan asked me this in a PM the other night, and I rattled off a lot of bullshit that I think pretty clearly shows I have yet to master true honesty. For what itÂ’s worth, I wasnÂ’t intentionally dishonest. I just wasnÂ’t digging deep enough.
I’ve thought about it a lot since responding to his PM. My answer to him has felt wrong since the moment I hit send. I told him I needed the accountability, and for some reason, the accountability works even if everyone on the site thinks I’m a piece of shit. There is some truth to that, but it would have been SOOOO easy to just join the site under a different screen name and act like a newbie looking for guidance. I would be been welcomed with open arms, gotten the “best decision of my life” speech, all the vets would have been sending me instructions on how the site works, would have been a hell of a lot easier and I still would have had the accountability.
I think the real reason I came back is that on some level, I knew I needed to strip away the bulllshit, maybe for the first time in 25 years. No more telling only part of the story, no more dealing with only part of the problem, no more half measures, no more sugar coating. Just strip it all the fuck away and hang my shit stained laundry for the world to see. This is who and what I am, and if I donÂ’t accept the full nauseating extent of it, IÂ’m just gonna keep landing back at Day 1.
So IÂ’m coming cleanÂ…and it sucks. But at least itÂ’s real. At least from here I can start to build. I can start working to gain back some modicum of trust from all the people IÂ’ve hurt along the way. Including a lot of the guys on this site. Which reminds me, hereÂ’s something else I have to come clean about, and IÂ’m pretty sure this is the last thingÂ…
I also told Bama Dan that I didn’t want to be a veteran on this site. That I eventually wanted to be a “normal” person that didn’t have to check in on a website every day. I said this despite the fact that I’ve shit on this community and then begged to come back and not a single person has turned me away. It’s clear that I’ve fucked this up in every conceivable way, and yet I’m still trying to act like I’m an elitist that will eventually be too good for this site. I can’t even explain how fucked up it was that I said this to Dan. Maybe I was just bitchy at taking such a cyberspace beating, but it was a douchebag thing to say and a real slap in the face to a guy that reached out to help me. The truth is quitter on this site should be proud of what they’ve accomplished and proud of what they do every day to help others free themselves from addiction. I’ve quit before and I’ll do it again, but I’ve never made it stick long term. And that’s the one thing it takes to be a veteran and the best reason for me to aspire to be one. Hopefully, some day I’ll stop being such a dick.
And now IÂ’m going to take a break from eating crow. IÂ’m not sure I can take anymore after the last few days. IÂ’m also going back to focusing on today. I still have half of my third and final Day 3 to get through.
-
You've made a courageous decision to come back and get it done right. I quit with you today, and I believe that will keep us quit.
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Thanks for the support, 9reasons. It's helps more than you could know.
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May 15, 2010 to March 17, 2011 is a span of about 10 months between your activity in this thread. That is the root of your issues, ILO.
You've proven what happens when you are left to your own devices.
Normal? You want "normal"? You can't have normal. Normal is an abstract concept to addicts like us. We'll never know normal
LOOT has wanted to be normal too. Leave the site and be done with it. Some can do it...the majority wind up in the same situation you are in. Another Day 1.
Howsabout you use this thread a little more regularly? It won't take too much time. Document your trials and tribulations. A lot of people read this and never comment. Your words and your use of this site have a profound impact on people that will never call it to your attention. Will the impact be positive or negative?
Think about it little brother.
Never again, for any reason KD.
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Read Loots post again and again! I know its rough...but sometimes we need to hear rough.
I used this introduction section for a while during some of the hardest parts of my quit...in fact, I was one of the ones who "wouldn't post in my group for a while because of the the drama"...all you have to do is go back and look at May09, or my Introduction thread (our life is an open book on here...and it SHOULD be). So instead of posting in May09 for a while...I came here and ranted everyday...didn't know that NMC was posting my roll for me....I knew guys were calling texting and emailing everyday...and I was reciprocating...I look back now and realize I was planning a cave, fortunately May09 kicked the crap out of me and would not let me do it.
Bottom line...no matter the drama...no matter the stress...no matter anything else...stay tight with your group. Stay tight with your intro page...come over here and flame up about everything in the world whether it makes sense to anyone else or not. But the big thing is stay tight with your group.
I still get up every morning, walk straight to my bathroom mirror and say OUT LOUD...nope, that decision has been made today. When we are traveling and my boys are in the same room with me they always ask when I am going to stop doing that and I tell them....the day I quit breathing.
You can do this man...become your own project...get your numbers out there and get it done...
Brian May09
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One of my favorite threads here was a discussion on pickles vs cucumbers.
At one time you and I were cucumbers. We could come and go as we pleased and have a chew or a smoke or dip with no lasting effects or urge to go out and chew a can a minute.We were free. At some point addiction crept in, we became pickles, junkies, slaves. No different than a crack addict. Lying to ourselves and others about the depth of our addiction. Giving up relationships, health, life itself to feed our habit. Stupid pickles. 'bang head'
Now, a Cucumber can always turn into a pickle but a pickle can never go back to being a cucumber.
We are addicts , there is no more " normal" there is no more coming and going or dabbling with nicotine. You have to admit the fact that your a pickle. Until you absorb that reality, you will keep pretending you can fool with nicotine, you'll continue to fail because you refuse to believe your not still a cucumber . The fallacy of just one. The lie you tell yourself about being cured. The millions of reasons your craving little addict mind manufactures to make you believe you can still play with fire and not get hooked. Sorry Charlie, you can't go back, this shit is forever. Pickles don't turn back into cucumbers.
You need to remind yourself of this fact daily. The site does that for me and can for you as well. Posting roll is a daily reminder to look at your life from the point of view of an addict ( pickle) . Do this and you will stay quit. The second you start believeing your a cucumber ( normal) again your back at day one.
be the ball Danny or in your case ..... be the pickle knuckledragger ...er kneedragger
skoal monster,
781 days of reminding myself I'm still a stupid pickle, one day at a time.
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Sorry, but this may be a long one. IÂ’ve had a pretty eventful weekend with my quit, but itÂ’s been awhile since IÂ’ve had a reliable broadband connection. IÂ’ve had a lot of time alone this weekend, which is definitely not ideal early in a quit. My wife took my son to visit his grandparents this weekend. They left on Thurs and I got a hall pass to spend the weekend in the mountains of NH and Vermont. I used to head to northern NH almost every weekend when I lived in Boston, and IÂ’ve really missed it since moving to the urban jungle nine years ago.
Since my wife left Thurs and I didnÂ’t leave until Friday, I had Thurs night to myself. I donÂ’t remember where I first read it, but someone on this site once posted that if youÂ’re home alone, youÂ’re behind enemy lines. I used to have that as part of my auto signature. Anyway, I was anxious about sitting home by myself all night, so I stayed at work late and then came home and immediately strapped on my running shoes. I ran into Central Park, put my head down and just kept going. It was a great way to remove myself from temptation, but it was also a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I didnÂ’t even grab an ipod. It was just me and myself, alone in the dark, feet pounding, thoughts spinning, sweat drippingÂ…thinking about everything and, at the same time, thinking that my thoughts werenÂ’t worth thinking about. That my perspective is twisted, my aggravation and anger is artificial, my problems are numerous and my ability to solve them is questionable. And I ran and ran and ran and ranÂ…and finally, I couldnÂ’t run anymore. Unfortunately, I tapped out pretty far from home. That didnÂ’t matter, though. IÂ’d found an outlet for my anxiety and wore myself out. By the time I got home I was thinking a bit more clearly. I said fuck it to all the mountainous problems to which I lacked solutions and focused on the only thing I absolutely had to do that dayÂ…stay quit. Since I was so tired I could hardly stand, I hit the sack and brought the day to a close. Another day nic free.
Friday morning, I felt a lot better. It was 70 degrees and Sunny in the city. I bagged out of work early to get a jump on the drive up north. It felt like spring, like new life, like windows down, fresh air, sun on my face, spring in my step. It was a good day and I enjoyed the time alone on the open road with the ipod on shuffle. It was just me and Buddy Guy and Dr. John and Clapton and Taj Mahal and Junior Wells and they were all nice enough to let me sing along with them. I hit the NH border and had that same feeling I used to always feel when I crossed the border from Massachusetts. That weight falling away, the mountains calling me to ski their slopes, climb their rock faces, hike their woods, share their views. I was ready for some mountain therapy. And Jay Peak had gotten three feet of snow only last weekÂ…
Â…but luck was not on my side. What I didnÂ’t know was that Thurs night, while I was running aimlessly in Central Park, Jay Peak was blanketed with heavy downpours. The snow was saturated, and the nights were cold enough to freeze the wet snow into bulletproof sheets of ice. Arguably some of the worst ski conditions IÂ’ve ever seen. We checked ice reports in hopes of swapping skis for ice axes and crampons, but the warm days had aerated the flows in most areas. It would be like trying to climb a snow cone. So skiing was out and ice climbing was out. It was clear I would be denied my mountain therapy. I made the most of it with a little winter hiking and catching up with old friends at local outfitters and taverns. I tried my best not to lament my misfortune and told the mountains I would never hold it against them.
I packed up to leave in the early afternoon on Sunday. I had my quit strategy in full effect, just like I did for the drive up. I was stocked up with snacks, gum, etc, but needed to stop to load up with my favorite nic replacement…strong, dark, black coffee. I remembered a gas station off the highway in Lincoln, NH with a Dunkin’ Donuts in the station. I pulled in and was in the station before I remembered that they’d actually closed the DD counter and opened up a standalone store next door. I decided I’d just grab another bottle of water before jumping back in the car and heading next door. I can’t really explain why I allowed myself to actually walk to the counter of a gas station right before a six hour drive…it was just stupid on so many levels. Why not just walk right up to the sleeping dragon and punch him in the nose… So I’m standing there, holding a bottle of water, staring at the rack of tins right over the cashier’s left shoulder, thinking to myself “what the FUCK am I doing here? ” And the gas station attendant looks at me and says, “Anything else…?”
But then I thought DECIDE. It was so clear; I could almost read it on the wall in front of me. ThatÂ’s all that matters. Yes it was stupid to walk into this gas station, but it still comes down to a decision, and as weak as I am, the decision is still mine to make. So stop being a pussy, but the water on the counter, pay the nice man and get the fuck back in the car. DECIDE that you can operate a motor vehicle without a lump of turd in your lip. DECIDE that your word and your quit mean something to you. So I didÂ…and I walked out with my water. I drove next door, got the biggest black coffee IÂ’ve ever seen and rewarded myself with a chocolate donut.
So I guess overall, my efforts at escapism failed. My search for mountain therapy, my attempt to make the first weekend of my quit easier, my hopes of forgetting about my problems for a while…all failed. Then I got home and my wife told me that she wants me to do couples therapy in addition to the therapist I’m already seeing to help me with my quit. She said she had “trust issues”…FUUUUUUUCK!!! Just when I think it’s safe to straighten up a bit…another shot in the nads. That’s the killer about trust…so hard to build and so easy to destroy. All I can do is re-build it a day at a time. And despite how hard this weekend was, I kept my word for three hard days. Hard fuckin’ day. I gotta count that as a win. I have to.
The last thing IÂ’ll tell you about is an unexpected moment of peace I had during my drive home last night. I really kind of cherish the moment since I was really hoping for a whole weekend of peace and this is all I got. As I got off I-91 and started down the Merritt Parkway driving into the setting sun, the shuffle on my ipod picked up an Allman Brothers tune that really put my mind at ease. I felt a little tension release from the small of my back. It was probably the best I felt all weekendÂ…
Everybody`s Got A Mountain To Climb
Lyrics by Dickey Betts
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
This road we travel gets a little tough sometimes,
Sometimes I know you feel like you can't go on,
Need somebody help you get back home,
Need a friend to help you find your way home.
Reverend Pearly Brown say there's peace out on the water at night,
Big sun going down, Lord it's a pretty sight,
Red and blue across the water makes a wonderful song,
Listen to it all night long.
Chorus:
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine,
Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin',
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Everybody's got a mountain to climb.
Who'd cross the face of a little smilin' child?,
Take away the loser's one last chance?,
Who wouldn't linger down by the old river for a while?
You know the whole world loves you when you're dancin'.
So, hey let me tell you what I'm talkin' about,
You can't go around with your lip stuck out.
Life ain't all good but it sure ain't bad,
Anyway it's the best old life I ever had.
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine,
Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin',
Everybody's got a mountain to climb.
-
Sorry, but this may be a long one. I’ve had a pretty eventful weekend with my quit, but it’s been awhile since I’ve had a reliable broadband connection. I’ve had a lot of time alone this weekend, which is definitely not ideal early in a quit. My wife took my son to visit his grandparents this weekend. They left on Thurs and I got a hall pass to spend the weekend in the mountains of NH and Vermont. I used to head to northern NH almost every weekend when I lived in Boston, and I’ve really missed it since moving to the urban jungle nine years ago.
Since my wife left Thurs and I didn’t leave until Friday, I had Thurs night to myself. I don’t remember where I first read it, but someone on this site once posted that if you’re home alone, you’re behind enemy lines. I used to have that as part of my auto signature. Anyway, I was anxious about sitting home by myself all night, so I stayed at work late and then came home and immediately strapped on my running shoes. I ran into Central Park, put my head down and just kept going. It was a great way to remove myself from temptation, but it was also a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I didn’t even grab an ipod. It was just me and myself, alone in the dark, feet pounding, thoughts spinning, sweat dripping…thinking about everything and, at the same time, thinking that my thoughts weren’t worth thinking about. That my perspective is twisted, my aggravation and anger is artificial, my problems are numerous and my ability to solve them is questionable. And I ran and ran and ran and ran…and finally, I couldn’t run anymore. Unfortunately, I tapped out pretty far from home. That didn’t matter, though. I’d found an outlet for my anxiety and wore myself out. By the time I got home I was thinking a bit more clearly. I said fuck it to all the mountainous problems to which I lacked solutions and focused on the only thing I absolutely had to do that day…stay quit. Since I was so tired I could hardly stand, I hit the sack and brought the day to a close. Another day nic free.
Friday morning, I felt a lot better. It was 70 degrees and Sunny in the city. I bagged out of work early to get a jump on the drive up north. It felt like spring, like new life, like windows down, fresh air, sun on my face, spring in my step. It was a good day and I enjoyed the time alone on the open road with the ipod on shuffle. It was just me and Buddy Guy and Dr. John and Clapton and Taj Mahal and Junior Wells and they were all nice enough to let me sing along with them. I hit the NH border and had that same feeling I used to always feel when I crossed the border from Massachusetts. That weight falling away, the mountains calling me to ski their slopes, climb their rock faces, hike their woods, share their views. I was ready for some mountain therapy. And Jay Peak had gotten three feet of snow only last week…
…but luck was not on my side. What I didn’t know was that Thurs night, while I was running aimlessly in Central Park, Jay Peak was blanketed with heavy downpours. The snow was saturated, and the nights were cold enough to freeze the wet snow into bulletproof sheets of ice. Arguably some of the worst ski conditions I’ve ever seen. We checked ice reports in hopes of swapping skis for ice axes and crampons, but the warm days had aerated the flows in most areas. It would be like trying to climb a snow cone. So skiing was out and ice climbing was out. It was clear I would be denied my mountain therapy. I made the most of it with a little winter hiking and catching up with old friends at local outfitters and taverns. I tried my best not to lament my misfortune and told the mountains I would never hold it against them.
I packed up to leave in the early afternoon on Sunday. I had my quit strategy in full effect, just like I did for the drive up. I was stocked up with snacks, gum, etc, but needed to stop to load up with my favorite nic replacement…strong, dark, black coffee. I remembered a gas station off the highway in Lincoln, NH with a Dunkin’ Donuts in the station. I pulled in and was in the station before I remembered that they’d actually closed the DD counter and opened up a standalone store next door. I decided I’d just grab another bottle of water before jumping back in the car and heading next door. I can’t really explain why I allowed myself to actually walk to the counter of a gas station right before a six hour drive…it was just stupid on so many levels. Why not just walk right up to the sleeping dragon and punch him in the nose… So I’m standing there, holding a bottle of water, staring at the rack of tins right over the cashier’s left shoulder, thinking to myself “what the FUCK am I doing here? ” And the gas station attendant looks at me and says, “Anything else…?”
But then I thought DECIDE. It was so clear; I could almost read it on the wall in front of me. That’s all that matters. Yes it was stupid to walk into this gas station, but it still comes down to a decision, and as weak as I am, the decision is still mine to make. So stop being a pussy, but the water on the counter, pay the nice man and get the fuck back in the car. DECIDE that you can operate a motor vehicle without a lump of turd in your lip. DECIDE that your word and your quit mean something to you. So I did…and I walked out with my water. I drove next door, got the biggest black coffee I’ve ever seen and rewarded myself with a chocolate donut.
So I guess overall, my efforts at escapism failed. My search for mountain therapy, my attempt to make the first weekend of my quit easier, my hopes of forgetting about my problems for a while…all failed. Then I got home and my wife told me that she wants me to do couples therapy in addition to the therapist I’m already seeing to help me with my quit. She said she had “trust issues”…FUUUUUUUCK!!! Just when I think it’s safe to straighten up a bit…another shot in the nads. That’s the killer about trust…so hard to build and so easy to destroy. All I can do is re-build it a day at a time. And despite how hard this weekend was, I kept my word for three hard days. Hard fuckin’ day. I gotta count that as a win. I have to.
The last thing I’ll tell you about is an unexpected moment of peace I had during my drive home last night. I really kind of cherish the moment since I was really hoping for a whole weekend of peace and this is all I got. As I got off I-91 and started down the Merritt Parkway driving into the setting sun, the shuffle on my ipod picked up an Allman Brothers tune that really put my mind at ease. I felt a little tension release from the small of my back. It was probably the best I felt all weekend…
Everybody`s Got A Mountain To Climb
Lyrics by Dickey Betts
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
This road we travel gets a little tough sometimes,
Sometimes I know you feel like you can't go on,
Need somebody help you get back home,
Need a friend to help you find your way home.
Reverend Pearly Brown say there's peace out on the water at night,
Big sun going down, Lord it's a pretty sight,
Red and blue across the water makes a wonderful song,
Listen to it all night long.
Chorus:
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine,
Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin',
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Everybody's got a mountain to climb.
Who'd cross the face of a little smilin' child?,
Take away the loser's one last chance?,
Who wouldn't linger down by the old river for a while?
You know the whole world loves you when you're dancin'.
So, hey let me tell you what I'm talkin' about,
You can't go around with your lip stuck out.
Life ain't all good but it sure ain't bad,
Anyway it's the best old life I ever had.
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine,
Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin',
Everybody's got a mountain to climb.
Good job writing all of your thoughts down. This helps. The essence of a quit isyour store experience. Being strong 99% of the time is not enough. It takes 100%. You were tested. You had but a few seconds to make a decision and you choose wisely. That is where a quit is broken. Well done. You will get stronger. You will put more tools in your toolbox as you go on. Make no mistake, you will find yourself in this circumstance again.
Alone in my car is one of my triggers. I cringed when I was reading this part. Well done.
Nicotine has made us all addicts and liars. She will rob from a good soul. This is why quitting is sooo important.
-
In many ways, this quit has been easier than my last two. Perhaps, since IÂ’ve spent some significant time away from nicotine, the initial shock of withdrawal hasnÂ’t been as strong this time. IÂ’m not sure if thatÂ’s true, but it doesnÂ’t matter. I knew I was going to make it through the early quit. I know what the right mind set feels like. I know what it feels like to feel commitment to the group and refuse to make any excuse to break that daily promise. I know this process works, especially in the early days of the quit. But now I need to think about the long term.
I posted before that I started seeing a therapist. IÂ’m not wild about discussing that fact, but I do want to contribute to the community, so IÂ’ll share what IÂ’m learning in these sessions. Hopefully, something here will help someone maintain their quit for the long-term. Of course, this is therapy, so the observations below are just theories. They are the therapistÂ’s suggestions for what may be causing my feelings of stress, anxiety, disappointment, depression, etc. I canÂ’t say for sure that these observations are accurate, or that they will pertain to you. TheyÂ’re just working theories. Take them with a grain of salt.
For now, the working theory is that nicotine has been a coping mechanism for me for so long (since I was 12) that I have difficulty coping with 1) stress and 2) significant life decisions in the absence of nicotine. Most recent sessions have focused on these two things. So, taken one at a time:
Stress
I donÂ’t want to get into why IÂ’m stressed, but several of you know what it feels like to deal with stress during the quit. When youÂ’re used to using dip as a coping mechanism, itÂ’s very hard to find alternative relief in a way thatÂ’s so immediately and chemically satisfying. Several people on this board have suggested regular exercise, which I agree helps. However, itÂ’s not so immediate. ItÂ’s more like a long term lifestyle decision that will reduce your overall average stress levels over time. I agree that this is a good way to manage stress, just give it a little time to work.
Other suggestions from both veteran quitters and my therapist are to indulge in introspective personal relaxation time with activities like meditation and yoga. I need to attempt both of these, and I havenÂ’t done it yet. The fact is, IÂ’m not excited about it and I donÂ’t want to do it. But I need to get over that and be a little more open minded. IÂ’m working on it.
A final observation on stress is that it helps if you can avoid making any major decisions during the first few months of your quit. Unfortunately, I need to make a fairly major decision about the direction of my careerÂ…but thatÂ’s just my bad luck. If possible, I would recommend giving your quit time to strengthen a bit before putting yourself through the stress of a major decision that could jeopardize your quit. ThatÂ’s just my opinion, though. Others may have different views.
Significant Life Decisions
There are a couple points here that IÂ’ll attempt to explain:
First, is what I would call the “easy going guy” effect. The idea is that I spent much of my life hiding behind my nicotine addiction. I always thought of myself as easy going, and pretty much happy with anything. But, this isn’t true. In reality, at key decision points in my life, I had the opportunity to assert myself…to decide what I wanted from life and make decisions consistent with those needs. In many cases, these are the turning points that ultimately decide who we are. But they are also very often difficult decisions to make. In these situations, instead of asserting myself, I suppressed my feelings about what I really wanted. Or maybe I lacked the courage to assert myself and take control of my life. Then I used nicotine to cope with the disappointment of what I ultimately ended up with.
That was actually pretty tough to put into words, and IÂ’m not sure I got it quite right. It sounds a little dramatic. But when I look back at the things I truly love in life and consider how little time I actually spend enjoying them. When I think about how many decisions I made because I felt most people would consider it the right decisionÂ…not ME, but most people. I never made the effort to decide whatÂ’s right for ME.
I remember a distinct fork in the road in 2002. In the span of a few days, I got two very different offersÂ…I got offered a job as a climbing guide in North Conway, NH, and I got into Columbia Business School. I still donÂ’t know if I made the right choice.
The second point is related to the first. It’s this feeling of “is this really what I was working for?” I’m now in my mid-30s. All the ambition, fire and determination that marked my late teens and 20s has faded because now that I’ve achieved some level of success, I find the results to be disappointing. And if you’re wondering why they’re disappointing, maybe you should go back and the read the “easy going guy” paragraph. They’re disappointing because they don’t represent how I define success because I never bothered to figure out how I define success. They represent how I think others define success, or how society defines success. And I’ve been willing to live with it because I’m an “easy going guy”.
My therapist will occasionally make a comment that really sticks with me. When she was talking about this issue she said, “You’re a smart guy, and you’ll figure it out and you’ll do OK. If that’s all you want, then keep doing what you’re doing.” I think it sticks in my head because I haven't figured out what to do about it yet.
Well, I think itÂ’s clear that IÂ’m no therapist, so I donÂ’t know if IÂ’ve explained these concepts well. If nothing else, itÂ’s something to think about as you plan for the long haul nic free. I hope itÂ’s helped someone out there, b/c it wasnÂ’t easy or fun to put into words. Stay quit my friends, and PM me if you want to talk about any of this depressing shit.
-
I walked up Lexington Ave this morning and wasn't really thinking about where I was going. Next thing I knew, I found myself standing outside the news stand where I used to always buy a tin on the way to work. Guess I was just day dreaming and not thinking about where I was going.
Once I realized where I was, I stood on the sidewalk, staring into that gaping door and had a bit of an "oh shit" moment. But despite being no more than five feet from the door, I didn't feel the slightest pull to go inside. I'll certainly be more diligent about avoiding these places in the future, but it was great to feel that freedom. Really made my day.
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Kneedragger -
I wasn't aware of your situation, I think you should link this up in June. Stay quit brother, PM me with anything you need.
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Day 50
Half way to HOF and the battle rages on. I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it. Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember. It was a bit of a different experience for me. IÂ’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity. IÂ’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:
On my job:
“What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.”
“I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.”
“So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.”
“I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.”
“If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”
On my marriage:
“I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.”
“I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.”
“She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything. I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine. Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”
On Wellness:
“I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.”
“I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”
I think you get the point. Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing. The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me.
So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:
1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me. I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore. Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.
2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt. It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life. You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time. You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days. Well now you know what it threw at me. Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is. But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.
KD
-
Day 50
Half way to HOF and the battle rages on. I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it. Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember. It was a bit of a different experience for me. IÂ’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity. IÂ’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:
On my job:
“What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.”
“I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.”
“So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.”
“I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.”
“If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”
On my marriage:
“I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.”
“I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.”
“She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything. I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine. Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”
On Wellness:
“I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.”
“I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”
I think you get the point. Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing. The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me.
So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:
1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me. I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore. Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.
2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt. It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life. You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time. You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days. Well now you know what it threw at me. Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is. But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.
KD
I am on day 87 of my quit. The 50's were the worst for me also. I felt absolutely worthless. All I can tell you is that I feel much better now. People who have quit longer than I have might have a better perspective but this is my theory. You are at a time when you are being forced to deal with parts of your life that you were able to ignore while nicotine was running through your system. It is just another part of the healing process. Hang in there. If you need anything PM me.
-
Day 50
Half way to HOF and the battle rages on. I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it. Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember. It was a bit of a different experience for me. I’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity. I’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:
On my job:
“What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.”
“I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.”
“So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.”
“I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.”
“If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”
On my marriage:
“I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.”
“I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.”
“She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything. I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine. Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”
On Wellness:
“I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.”
“I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”
I think you get the point. Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing. The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me.Â
So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:
1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me. I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore. Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.
2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt. It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life. You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time. You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days. Well now you know what it threw at me. Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is. But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.
KD
I am on day 87 of my quit. The 50's were the worst for me also. I felt absolutely worthless. All I can tell you is that I feel much better now. People who have quit longer than I have might have a better perspective but this is my theory. You are at a time when you are being forced to deal with parts of your life that you were able to ignore while nicotine was running through your system. It is just another part of the healing process. Hang in there. If you need anything PM me.
I had bouts of depression in my quit. For me they were in the 70s. So, my guess is you are just as normal as the rest of us. I had have had only one bout of depression since then and I am at 144. Frankly, I have never felt better and I manage my stress better as well. So, what I am saying is things will likely improve for you. Stay quit. Nicotine solves nothing.
-
Day 50
Half way to HOF and the battle rages on. I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it. Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember. It was a bit of a different experience for me. I’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity. I’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:
On my job:
“What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.”
“I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.”
“So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.”
“I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.”
“If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”
On my marriage:
“I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.”
“I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.”
“She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything. I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine. Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”
On Wellness:
“I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.”
“I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”
I think you get the point. Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing. The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me.Â
So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:
1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me. I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore. Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.
2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt. It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life. You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time. You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days. Well now you know what it threw at me. Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is. But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.
KD
I am on day 87 of my quit. The 50's were the worst for me also. I felt absolutely worthless. All I can tell you is that I feel much better now. People who have quit longer than I have might have a better perspective but this is my theory. You are at a time when you are being forced to deal with parts of your life that you were able to ignore while nicotine was running through your system. It is just another part of the healing process. Hang in there. If you need anything PM me.
I had bouts of depression in my quit. For me they were in the 70s. So, my guess is you are just as normal as the rest of us. I had have had only one bout of depression since then and I am at 144. Frankly, I have never felt better and I manage my stress better as well. So, what I am saying is things will likely improve for you. Stay quit. Nicotine solves nothing.
Nicotine solves nothing.
Enough said !! Keep fighting...
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Day 67
Whooh! OK, take a deep breath. Some clouds are lifting. My world doesnÂ’t seem quite so dark. Time to take noteÂ…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress. Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead. My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing. But for quitters, it means youÂ’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones. We have to celebrate that. ThatÂ’s what weÂ’re fighting for. A roller coaster is an indication of progress. Unfortunately, that doesnÂ’t make it any less exhausting.
A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:
The first is that I found a job. To be clear, I was never actually out of work. The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December. After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team. It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit. It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression. Somehow, I managed to do it, and IÂ’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around. ItÂ’s time to get psyched, weÂ’re back in business!
The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger. She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy. I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didnÂ’t bring it up again for a long time. Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasnÂ’t pushing it. I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist. My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she canÂ’t handle not knowing whatÂ’s going on. Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that weÂ’ve been working on ever since. IÂ’ve never felt closer to her.
Finally, thereÂ’s exercise. IÂ’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit. The exercise IÂ’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting. I wanted to work out more, but I couldnÂ’t find more time, so it wasnÂ’t sustainable. Then I found a CrossFit box nearby. ItÂ’s been a real godsend. Instead of adding time, IÂ’ve added intensity and itÂ’s dramatically reduced my anxiety. I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now IÂ’m starting to see gains, and itÂ’s ridiculously addictive. I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club. Just to see what youÂ’re capable of at a very primal level. ItÂ’s just fuckinÂ’ awesome.
I canÂ’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news. The last two months were a serious challenge for me and thereÂ’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it. Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family. The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting. But it works, and IÂ’m grateful.
IÂ’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories. Stay strong my friends. Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes. KD out.
-
Day 67
Whooh! OK, take a deep breath. Some clouds are lifting. My world doesnÂ’t seem quite so dark. Time to take noteÂ…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress. Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead. My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing. But for quitters, it means youÂ’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones. We have to celebrate that. ThatÂ’s what weÂ’re fighting for. A roller coaster is an indication of progress. Unfortunately, that doesnÂ’t make it any less exhausting.
A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:
The first is that I found a job. To be clear, I was never actually out of work. The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December. After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team. It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit. It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression. Somehow, I managed to do it, and IÂ’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around. ItÂ’s time to get psyched, weÂ’re back in business!
The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger. She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy. I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didnÂ’t bring it up again for a long time. Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasnÂ’t pushing it. I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist. My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she canÂ’t handle not knowing whatÂ’s going on. Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that weÂ’ve been working on ever since. IÂ’ve never felt closer to her.
Finally, thereÂ’s exercise. IÂ’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit. The exercise IÂ’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting. I wanted to work out more, but I couldnÂ’t find more time, so it wasnÂ’t sustainable. Then I found a CrossFit box nearby. ItÂ’s been a real godsend. Instead of adding time, IÂ’ve added intensity and itÂ’s dramatically reduced my anxiety. I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now IÂ’m starting to see gains, and itÂ’s ridiculously addictive. I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club. Just to see what youÂ’re capable of at a very primal level. ItÂ’s just fuckinÂ’ awesome.
I canÂ’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news. The last two months were a serious challenge for me and thereÂ’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it. Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family. The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting. But it works, and IÂ’m grateful.
IÂ’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories. Stay strong my friends. Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes. KD out.
:) Proud to quit with you. Keep up the good work.
-
Day 67
Whooh! OK, take a deep breath. Some clouds are lifting. My world doesnÂ’t seem quite so dark. Time to take noteÂ…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress. Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead. My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing. But for quitters, it means youÂ’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones. We have to celebrate that. ThatÂ’s what weÂ’re fighting for. A roller coaster is an indication of progress. Unfortunately, that doesnÂ’t make it any less exhausting.Â
A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:
The first is that I found a job. To be clear, I was never actually out of work. The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December. After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team. It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit. It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression. Somehow, I managed to do it, and I’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around. It’s time to get psyched, we’re back in business!
The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger. She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy. I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didn’t bring it up again for a long time. Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasn’t pushing it. I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist. My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she can’t handle not knowing what’s going on. Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that we’ve been working on ever since. I’ve never felt closer to her.
Finally, there’s exercise. I’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit. The exercise I’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting. I wanted to work out more, but I couldn’t find more time, so it wasn’t sustainable. Then I found a CrossFit box nearby. It’s been a real godsend. Instead of adding time, I’ve added intensity and it’s dramatically reduced my anxiety. I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now I’m starting to see gains, and it’s ridiculously addictive. I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club. Just to see what you’re capable of at a very primal level. It’s just fuckin’ awesome.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news. The last two months were a serious challenge for me and there’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it. Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family. The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting. But it works, and I’m grateful.
I’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories. Stay strong my friends. Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes. KD out.
:) Proud to quit with you. Keep up the good work.
Thanks, man. And thanks for looking out for me...
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Day 67
Whooh! OK, take a deep breath. Some clouds are lifting. My world doesnÂ’t seem quite so dark. Time to take noteÂ…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress. Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead. My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing. But for quitters, it means youÂ’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones. We have to celebrate that. ThatÂ’s what weÂ’re fighting for. A roller coaster is an indication of progress. Unfortunately, that doesnÂ’t make it any less exhausting. Â
A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:
The first is that I found a job. To be clear, I was never actually out of work. The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December. After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team. It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit. It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression. Somehow, I managed to do it, and I’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around. It’s time to get psyched, we’re back in business!
The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger. She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy. I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didn’t bring it up again for a long time. Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasn’t pushing it. I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist. My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she can’t handle not knowing what’s going on. Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that we’ve been working on ever since. I’ve never felt closer to her.
Finally, there’s exercise. I’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit. The exercise I’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting. I wanted to work out more, but I couldn’t find more time, so it wasn’t sustainable. Then I found a CrossFit box nearby. It’s been a real godsend. Instead of adding time, I’ve added intensity and it’s dramatically reduced my anxiety. I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now I’m starting to see gains, and it’s ridiculously addictive. I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club. Just to see what you’re capable of at a very primal level. It’s just fuckin’ awesome.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news. The last two months were a serious challenge for me and there’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it. Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family. The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting. But it works, and I’m grateful.
I’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories. Stay strong my friends. Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes. KD out.
:) Proud to quit with you. Keep up the good work.
Thanks, man. And thanks for looking out for me...
KD.....Man you just made my day when I read this....Its just great to see people getting their life back in order and doing it all while quit....You just made my quit stronger...Thanks for sharing...I hear you on the relationship front very familiar situation.....Stay stron have a great time this weekend
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You're a fighter KD...total champion. Way to go man.
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Day 85 - Turning 37
I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake. I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks. As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought. It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years. That realization felt a little like this:
(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotineÂ…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I havenÂ’t done that inÂ…fuckÂ…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excitedÂ…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah
StopÂ…stopÂ…stopÂ…take a deep fuckinÂ’ breath and get your head right
All I have to worry about is today. I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY. Fuck staying quit for a year. One day at a time. Post, keep your word, repeat. Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOFÂ’ers.
-KD
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Day 85 - Turning 37
I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake. I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks. As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought. It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years. That realization felt a little like this:
(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotineÂ…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I havenÂ’t done that inÂ…fuckÂ…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excitedÂ…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah
StopÂ…stopÂ…stopÂ…take a deep fuckinÂ’ breath and get your head right
All I have to worry about is today. I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY. Fuck staying quit for a year. One day at a time. Post, keep your word, repeat. Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOFÂ’ers.
-KD
one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE
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Day 85 - Turning 37
I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake. I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks. As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought. It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years. That realization felt a little like this:
(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotineÂ…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I havenÂ’t done that inÂ…fuckÂ…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excitedÂ…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah
StopÂ…stopÂ…stopÂ…take a deep fuckinÂ’ breath and get your head right
All I have to worry about is today. I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY. Fuck staying quit for a year. One day at a time. Post, keep your word, repeat. Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.
-KD
one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE
Stay quit today and tomorrow will take care of itself.
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Day 85 - Turning 37
I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake. I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks. As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought. It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years. That realization felt a little like this:
(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotineÂ…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I havenÂ’t done that inÂ…fuckÂ…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excitedÂ…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah
StopÂ…stopÂ…stopÂ…take a deep fuckinÂ’ breath and get your head right
All I have to worry about is today. I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY. Fuck staying quit for a year. One day at a time. Post, keep your word, repeat. Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.
-KD
one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE
Thanks, brother. I'm following your lead this time...
-
This is some very inspirational reading for a new quitter. Thank you for the glimpse into your life/quit.
-
Day 85 - Turning 37
I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake. I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks. As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought. It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years. That realization felt a little like this:
(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotineÂ…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I havenÂ’t done that inÂ…fuckÂ…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excitedÂ…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah
StopÂ…stopÂ…stopÂ…take a deep fuckinÂ’ breath and get your head right
All I have to worry about is today. I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY.  Fuck staying quit for a year. One day at a time. Post, keep your word, repeat. Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.
-KD
one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE
Thanks, brother. I'm following your lead this time...
Well played, kd. Well played, indeed.
-
Day 87 - How big is 100?
I usually work out at a gym where our coach determines the daily workouts. All I have to do is show up, get the crap beat out of me, shower and go to work. But, recently I spent a long weekend in Mexico. I was only there for four days, but I wanted to get at least a couple workouts in while I was there. The gym at the hotel kinda sucked, so I tried to put together a workout that wouldnÂ’t require a whole lot of equipment. I was inspired by my fellow June 2011 Legends, many of whom have reached or are fast approaching the HOF. So I put together an HOFÂ’erÂ’s workout to make me appreciate how big a number 100 is. The hotel gym had a treadmill that showed distance in hundredths of a mile, so I was able to incorporate running into the workout of one hundreds. This is how it went:
Run 1 mile
100 push-ups
100 squats
100 sit-ups
Run 1 mile
In theory, all of this was meant to be done as fast as possible. The treadmill messes that up a little, but I wanted to watch it count to 100, so I did the workout inside instead of running outdoors. For the first mile, I set the treadmill at 9mph. But for the last mile, I had to slow it down to 8mph and eventually down to 7mph so I could finish without throwing up on the nice clean treadmill.
So what’s the answer to the question, “how big a number is 100?” The answer is, of course...it depends. It depends entirely on what you’re doing. I can tell you for certain that the last mile was a hell of a lot harder than the first mile. And the sit-ups were a hell of a lot harder than the push-ups. But none of this was nearly as hard as quitting a 25 year old addiction to the perfect drug. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget, but for many of us (myself included), quitting this addiction is literally the hardest thing we’ve ever done…ever. And when I’m reminded of that fact, I get really fuckin’ stoked about what a HUGE number 100 is. Just fuckin’ HUGE. And then I swell with more than a little bit of pride at how many badass quittin’ legends from June 2011 are approaching this amazing milestone.
Take pride my brothers. While we all realize this is just a stop on our journey, the HOF is still an admirable accomplishment. You guys are just fuckinÂ’ awesome, so be sure to celebrate. IÂ’m proud to be quit with you.
-KD out
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Day 98
The first few days of the 90Â’s were really tough for me. I think June 2011 is a pretty upbeat place right now, and itÂ’s been exciting seeing so many guys hit the HOF. But these few tough days in my early 90Â’s reminded me that my fight is not over. It has gotten a hell of a lot better, but itÂ’s definitely not over. Complacency is my biggest enemy and I need to make sure I donÂ’t succumb to her like I have in the past.
These bad days felt a lot like some of the bad days I had earlier in my quit. I was very irritable, turned everything into an argument, passive aggressive, all that childish crap. I was just impossible to be around. The worst was last Monday, day 91 for me. We were on a drive from Richmond, VA back to New York after a long weekend with my wifeÂ’s family and a quick stop in to see an old grad school friend. The day we drove back, I was hung over and tired. We went to bed after 1am, and I got up with my son when he started to stir just before 6am. On the drive back, my wife did a lot of driving so I could attempt to catch up on sleep, but our son was uncharacteristically difficult. He must have sensed my need for sleep, because he would not stop crying. Then there was all the traffic getting through D.CÂ….
So, crying kid, no sleep, throbbing head, loads of trafficÂ…thatÂ’s a bad day for just about anybody. But for me, it amounted to some pretty killer craves. It seemed like some dormant part of my brain came alive and began demanding the type of chemical release it had grown so accustomed to after so many years. I may be getting better and better at suppressing that dormant part of my brain, but itÂ’s not goneÂ…it probably never will be.
Help came from an unexpected place. A couple hours in, my wife turned to me and said, “This must be pretty tough for you, huh?” It was amazing how much this helped. Sometimes we just need to feel like someone understands our struggles. Despite all the shit I’ve put my wife through in three attempts at quitting, she’s still trying her best to be empathetic. I suddenly felt like she was there to help me get through it - made all the difference in the world.
The day after we got back, she sent an invite to my work calendar for Wednesday night, June 22nd. All the invite said was “Celebrate 100”. I never told her what my HOF date was. Guess she was paying more attention than I thought. Hard to imagine since she’s been on the receiving end of most of my bad moods. I’m a lucky, lucky man.
-KD
-
Totally relate with this. I was foggy as hell on day 100...I'm kinda foggy today for some reason.
You have a good woman. Cherish her friend.
Proud to be quit with ya Kneedragger. One day at a time.
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Totally relate with this. I was foggy as hell on day 100...I'm kinda foggy today for some reason.
You have a good woman. Cherish her friend.
Proud to be quit with ya Kneedragger. One day at a time.
I second this motion. Hang on to that one, she must love you a lot to still show this kind of support after always getting the shit end of the stick, trust me, I know.
I plummeted into an epic fog after a dip dream on day 365. Trust me, I feel ya on the rogue wave of craves. I just tell myself to keep it simple. Post every day. Keep my word. The rest will work itself out. Complacency is a scary thing at this stage in our Quits. Our Quit brothers will begin to post less and less, but don't let this change your course. I will post in my group, alone, til day 5,000+. That is just the realization I had. I can't be one of those people who leaves this place. It will be the end of my Quit.
I ramble, I know, just felt like talkin' with ya!
Stay strong!
CC
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Day 113 - A few things in the news today:
Reynolds views smokeless as core to it's growth strategy. Smokeless boasts 50% operating margins, vs. 30% for cigarettes.
Firing Up Tobacco Sales - Without the Smoke (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303499204576389991381714016.html?mod=WSJ_hps_sections_management)
Pfizer smoking cessation drug linked to a 72% increase in cardiovascular problems.
Pfizer Drug Tied to Heart Risks (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304803104576425634260856212.html?mod=WSJ_hps_sections_news)
More evidence of how important this site is. Use it, live by it, stake a claim to your own freedom. Don't be an asshole and contribute to big tobacco's pay day. And don't think a short cut from big pharma is going to do the work for you. Your freedom is here for the taking. Nut up and post roll. Keep your promise for today, repeat tomorrow.
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KD: I thought about you on Sunday while I was watching the GP of Italy. I remembered that you are a caving asshole....who now exists in quit nirvana. Glad you posted something in your Introduction today, as it served as another reminder to tell you that you are a god. You own this. I am proud to quit with you.
Balls + Resolve = Quit
Woot
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KD: I thought about you on Sunday while I was watching the GP of Italy. I remembered that you are a caving asshole....who now exists in quit nirvana. Glad you posted something in your Introduction today, as it served as another reminder to tell you that you are a god. You own this. I am proud to quit with you.
Balls + Resolve = Quit
Woot
Awesome...thanks for checkin' in, man. I'm quit with you today...
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Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
-
Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
-
Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.Â
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
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Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.Â
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
I'm glad you responded, Russ. Partly because I love your avatar, but mostly because I wanted you're opinion. I get the whole chemical imbalance argument, it's just unfortunate that having an imbalance feels a lot like being a whiney bitch.
Regardless of whether or not I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm struggling to find a rationale for anti-depressants that makes sense to me. I think the logic proposed by my therapist is that I'm attempting to adapt, both psychologically and physiologically, to life without nicotine and this imbalance is a temporary side effect of that.
If that's the case, and it's really temporary, then the pills only serve to help me through this rough patch as my body attempts to adjust. This explanation is somewhat appealing as it suggests only a temporary need for medication. But part of me feels that if this is part of the suffering I have coming to me to free myself from nicotine, then I should bare that burden and fight for my freedom on my own. Maybe that's immature, or it's my inner Braveheart speaking, I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on my quit.
The other possibility is that she's wrong, and this is just who I am. Maybe this aspect of me has been muted over the last 25 years by an addiction to nicotine, but if this is my new reality, then I should learn to cope on my own.
What am I missing, Russ?
-
Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.Â
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
I'm glad you responded, Russ. Partly because I love your avatar, but mostly because I wanted you're opinion. I get the whole chemical imbalance argument, it's just unfortunate that having an imbalance feels a lot like being a whiney bitch.
Regardless of whether or not I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm struggling to find a rationale for anti-depressants that makes sense to me. I think the logic proposed by my therapist is that I'm attempting to adapt, both psychologically and physiologically, to life without nicotine and this imbalance is a temporary side effect of that.
If that's the case, and it's really temporary, then the pills only serve to help me through this rough patch as my body attempts to adjust. This explanation is somewhat appealing as it suggests only a temporary need for medication. But part of me feels that if this is part of the suffering I have coming to me to free myself from nicotine, then I should bare that burden and fight for my freedom on my own. Maybe that's immature, or it's my inner Braveheart speaking, I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on my quit.
The other possibility is that she's wrong, and this is just who I am. Maybe this aspect of me has been muted over the last 25 years by an addiction to nicotine, but if this is my new reality, then I should learn to cope on my own.
What am I missing, Russ?
Please don't punish yourself for mistakes you are already atoning for...ie quit. You don't deserve to suffer until the end of time because you are an addict. temporary mood dysfunction is not uncommon after nicotine cessation but it should only be temporary. It is quite possible though that either this is a funk do to being quit, or it is that you self-medicated with a stimulant (nicotine) to help with depression that you did not know you struggled with. It does not make you weak, whiny, or anything else...just human. I hope you find a way to deal with your depressive symptoms even if temporary. Exercise, as was mentioned can be nearly as effective as anti-depressants according to some studies. Not everything comes down to being "strong." Chemical shifts are not generally something that you can do much about.
Sincerely,
Jmiah
(Jeremy Hicks, LSW, CAADC, CCDP-D) - so you don't think I'm just spouting off.
Addiction specialist and fellow quit brother
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Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.Â
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
I'm glad you responded, Russ. Partly because I love your avatar, but mostly because I wanted you're opinion. I get the whole chemical imbalance argument, it's just unfortunate that having an imbalance feels a lot like being a whiney bitch.
Regardless of whether or not I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm struggling to find a rationale for anti-depressants that makes sense to me. I think the logic proposed by my therapist is that I'm attempting to adapt, both psychologically and physiologically, to life without nicotine and this imbalance is a temporary side effect of that.
If that's the case, and it's really temporary, then the pills only serve to help me through this rough patch as my body attempts to adjust. This explanation is somewhat appealing as it suggests only a temporary need for medication. But part of me feels that if this is part of the suffering I have coming to me to free myself from nicotine, then I should bare that burden and fight for my freedom on my own. Maybe that's immature, or it's my inner Braveheart speaking, I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on my quit.
The other possibility is that she's wrong, and this is just who I am. Maybe this aspect of me has been muted over the last 25 years by an addiction to nicotine, but if this is my new reality, then I should learn to cope on my own.
What am I missing, Russ?
Adding my 2cents again. Sorry. This conversation is good for me as well because my symptom was/is depression as well.
Here is the ledger
Day 127 vs #of Days you dipped
For me:
Day 222 clean vs 7,300 days of dipping. Probably 2,000 cans dipped.
We have to allow some time for our bodies and mind to adjust.
-
Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.Â
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
I'm glad you responded, Russ. Partly because I love your avatar, but mostly because I wanted you're opinion. I get the whole chemical imbalance argument, it's just unfortunate that having an imbalance feels a lot like being a whiney bitch.
Regardless of whether or not I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm struggling to find a rationale for anti-depressants that makes sense to me. I think the logic proposed by my therapist is that I'm attempting to adapt, both psychologically and physiologically, to life without nicotine and this imbalance is a temporary side effect of that.
If that's the case, and it's really temporary, then the pills only serve to help me through this rough patch as my body attempts to adjust. This explanation is somewhat appealing as it suggests only a temporary need for medication. But part of me feels that if this is part of the suffering I have coming to me to free myself from nicotine, then I should bare that burden and fight for my freedom on my own. Maybe that's immature, or it's my inner Braveheart speaking, I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on my quit.
The other possibility is that she's wrong, and this is just who I am. Maybe this aspect of me has been muted over the last 25 years by an addiction to nicotine, but if this is my new reality, then I should learn to cope on my own.
What am I missing, Russ?
Adding my 2cents again. Sorry. This conversation is good for me as well because my symptom was/is depression as well.
Here is the ledger
Day 127 vs #of Days you dipped
For me:
Day 222 clean vs 7,300 days of dipping. Probably 2,000 cans dipped.
We have to allow some time for our bodies and mind to adjust.
Well said, hell of an inbalance.
-
Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.Â
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
I'm glad you responded, Russ. Partly because I love your avatar, but mostly because I wanted you're opinion. I get the whole chemical imbalance argument, it's just unfortunate that having an imbalance feels a lot like being a whiney bitch.
Regardless of whether or not I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm struggling to find a rationale for anti-depressants that makes sense to me. I think the logic proposed by my therapist is that I'm attempting to adapt, both psychologically and physiologically, to life without nicotine and this imbalance is a temporary side effect of that.
If that's the case, and it's really temporary, then the pills only serve to help me through this rough patch as my body attempts to adjust. This explanation is somewhat appealing as it suggests only a temporary need for medication. But part of me feels that if this is part of the suffering I have coming to me to free myself from nicotine, then I should bare that burden and fight for my freedom on my own. Maybe that's immature, or it's my inner Braveheart speaking, I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on my quit.
The other possibility is that she's wrong, and this is just who I am. Maybe this aspect of me has been muted over the last 25 years by an addiction to nicotine, but if this is my new reality, then I should learn to cope on my own.
What am I missing, Russ?
Adding my 2cents again. Sorry. This conversation is good for me as well because my symptom was/is depression as well.
Here is the ledger
Day 127 vs #of Days you dipped
For me:
Day 222 clean vs 7,300 days of dipping. Probably 2,000 cans dipped.
We have to allow some time for our bodies and mind to adjust.
I get you're point, Scowick, but would this realization help you make a decision as to whether or not you should use anti-depressants?
-
Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.Â
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
I'm glad you responded, Russ. Partly because I love your avatar, but mostly because I wanted you're opinion. I get the whole chemical imbalance argument, it's just unfortunate that having an imbalance feels a lot like being a whiney bitch.
Regardless of whether or not I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm struggling to find a rationale for anti-depressants that makes sense to me. I think the logic proposed by my therapist is that I'm attempting to adapt, both psychologically and physiologically, to life without nicotine and this imbalance is a temporary side effect of that.
If that's the case, and it's really temporary, then the pills only serve to help me through this rough patch as my body attempts to adjust. This explanation is somewhat appealing as it suggests only a temporary need for medication. But part of me feels that if this is part of the suffering I have coming to me to free myself from nicotine, then I should bare that burden and fight for my freedom on my own. Maybe that's immature, or it's my inner Braveheart speaking, I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on my quit.
The other possibility is that she's wrong, and this is just who I am. Maybe this aspect of me has been muted over the last 25 years by an addiction to nicotine, but if this is my new reality, then I should learn to cope on my own.
What am I missing, Russ?
Adding my 2cents again. Sorry. This conversation is good for me as well because my symptom was/is depression as well.
Here is the ledger
Day 127 vs #of Days you dipped
For me:
Day 222 clean vs 7,300 days of dipping. Probably 2,000 cans dipped.
We have to allow some time for our bodies and mind to adjust.
I get you're point, Scowick, but would this realization help you make a decision as to whether or not you should use anti-depressants?
I would not use anti-depressants because I have a strong bias against drugs of any sort. I am sure this is a hard call on your part. Scowick has a strong bias against drugs but used nicotine for 20 years? 'Crazy'
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Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.Â
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
I'm glad you responded, Russ. Partly because I love your avatar, but mostly because I wanted you're opinion. I get the whole chemical imbalance argument, it's just unfortunate that having an imbalance feels a lot like being a whiney bitch.
Regardless of whether or not I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm struggling to find a rationale for anti-depressants that makes sense to me. I think the logic proposed by my therapist is that I'm attempting to adapt, both psychologically and physiologically, to life without nicotine and this imbalance is a temporary side effect of that.
If that's the case, and it's really temporary, then the pills only serve to help me through this rough patch as my body attempts to adjust. This explanation is somewhat appealing as it suggests only a temporary need for medication. But part of me feels that if this is part of the suffering I have coming to me to free myself from nicotine, then I should bare that burden and fight for my freedom on my own. Maybe that's immature, or it's my inner Braveheart speaking, I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on my quit.
The other possibility is that she's wrong, and this is just who I am. Maybe this aspect of me has been muted over the last 25 years by an addiction to nicotine, but if this is my new reality, then I should learn to cope on my own.
What am I missing, Russ?
Adding my 2cents again. Sorry. This conversation is good for me as well because my symptom was/is depression as well.
Here is the ledger
Day 127 vs #of Days you dipped
For me:
Day 222 clean vs 7,300 days of dipping. Probably 2,000 cans dipped.
We have to allow some time for our bodies and mind to adjust.
I get you're point, Scowick, but would this realization help you make a decision as to whether or not you should use anti-depressants?
I definitely hesitate to comment on something clinical since, and let me be perfectly clear about this, I am wholly unqualified.
That said, I definitely had points along the way that I felt down, easily angered, overly emotional, etc. Like Scowick says, it really does take time, but at 493 days, I can tell you those feelings continued to fade for me as time went by. What was left, I believe, is normal unfettered human emotion that I needed to learn healthier ways of coping with (just like the rest of the humans on the planet have to). I think you understand all that, and I realize that's not really what you are asking. As for the meds, had I sought medical attention, would I have been prescribed something? Maybe. If I had, would I have been reticent and unnerved by the prospect? Probably. But ultimately, I've become more and more pragmatic over time. I try not to worry about the way I would like things to be, and instead take them as they are as best I can. As such, if a medical professional I trust thinks I need meds, I'm going to take heart, and if it will make my and others around me's lives better? I think I would take that pragmatic step. You see a therapist, so obviously you're not one who scoffs at medical attention.
Either way, I wouldn't necessarily make judgments at day 122 about whether or not this "troubled" you is the new and permanent you. For that part, give it some more time, and as you are doing, continue to seek new and improved "non-vice" ways to cope with good old fashion life.
Damn, preachier than I thought, but oh well. You got a couple of my cents now.
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Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.Â
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
I'm glad you responded, Russ. Partly because I love your avatar, but mostly because I wanted you're opinion. I get the whole chemical imbalance argument, it's just unfortunate that having an imbalance feels a lot like being a whiney bitch.
Regardless of whether or not I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm struggling to find a rationale for anti-depressants that makes sense to me. I think the logic proposed by my therapist is that I'm attempting to adapt, both psychologically and physiologically, to life without nicotine and this imbalance is a temporary side effect of that.
If that's the case, and it's really temporary, then the pills only serve to help me through this rough patch as my body attempts to adjust. This explanation is somewhat appealing as it suggests only a temporary need for medication. But part of me feels that if this is part of the suffering I have coming to me to free myself from nicotine, then I should bare that burden and fight for my freedom on my own. Maybe that's immature, or it's my inner Braveheart speaking, I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on my quit.
The other possibility is that she's wrong, and this is just who I am. Maybe this aspect of me has been muted over the last 25 years by an addiction to nicotine, but if this is my new reality, then I should learn to cope on my own.
What am I missing, Russ?
Adding my 2cents again. Sorry. This conversation is good for me as well because my symptom was/is depression as well.
Here is the ledger
Day 127 vs #of Days you dipped
For me:
Day 222 clean vs 7,300 days of dipping. Probably 2,000 cans dipped.
We have to allow some time for our bodies and mind to adjust.
I get you're point, Scowick, but would this realization help you make a decision as to whether or not you should use anti-depressants?
I would not use anti-depressants because I have a strong bias against drugs of any sort. I am sure this is a hard call on your part. Scowick has a strong bias against drugs but used nicotine for 20 years? 'Crazy'
This is a good conversation here. Kneedragger, I think your mindset is exactly where my mindset would be. I am very much of the "suck it up and be a man" variety. Or at least I was. Then someone very close to me had problems with depression. My attitude was "suck it up and be a man." That was the advice I gave and it didn't work. It spiraled into a deeper depression and bordered on suicidal. I am now a proponent on anti-depressants. I used to think that "depression" was just a new term for being a pussy. I don't think that way anymore. This is real - and there are tools to help you deal with it. Just like KTC is a tool to help you deal with your nicotine addiction, anti-depressants are a tool to help you deal with your depression.
We all quit this nicotine because it was going to kill us. Don't think for a minute that depression can't kill you.
Talk to your therapist about a program. Weaning on and weaning off and how long you should do that for. See if perhaps a 6 month regimen will get you through the haze and you won't need the anti-depressants anymore. Don't think of this as forever. Tell your therapist your worried about "forever" and that you need a concrete plan that shows you the light at the end of the tunnel.
I was of the same mind as you, so I completely understand where you're coming from. Depression isn't "being a pussy." It's real. Get the help that's available.
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This is why I love this site.
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This is why I love this site.
I think what it ultimately comes down to is what your comfort level is with meds after listening to your therapist, a med provider (preferably a psychiatrist or a mental health nurse practitioner), your spouse, yourself, and a bunch of people on the internet that have some experience going through the same kind of shit. It can be done without meds for sure. I have seen a lot of people suffer needlessly when they could have gotten help through psych meds, especially men.
I guess I would suggest to try them out. If you aren't satisfied with the results then you haven't lost anything by trying.
You said earlier that you felt as though you were cheating on your quit by trying to gain relief from the depression. Did the depression play a role in your relapse before?
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Day - 129 - You can't buy support like this...
I guess I can't really claim to be worried about being a pussy, because I'm going to admit publicly right now that I got choked up a bit just now when I checked the site. I continue to be mystified by what makes complete strangers put so much sincere effort into helping me. All I can say is thanks. You guys are really helping me think this through and you've made several points I hadn't considered. The fact that it's all so free of judgment just makes it all the more amazing to me.
Alright, so enough with the gushing. Russ, to answer your question, I never really thought of depression as playing a role in my prior failures. I remember a distinct uneasiness prior to caving, but always thought of it more as anxiety. It was like a weird tension, and I convinced myself I could find relief from it with nicotine. I'm probably not explaining it well, but one thing I can say definitively is that I didn't do anything about it. I think that's part of how I planned to cave the last time - by not doing everything I could to get the help I needed. I instead used it as an excuse to run back to my addiction. So the most important thing for me this time around is not make that mistake again. To get the help I need and do everything I can to protect my quit.
I think what I'm taking away from all this is that I need to do two things.
1). The first is show this thread to my wife. I've committed to making her my partner in this, and I think this thread will help her understand what I'm dealing with and how others have, rightly or wrongly, dealt with similar issues. Assuming that goes wellÂ…
2). Â…the second thing is for my wife and I to meet with my therapist to discuss a plan for the judicious use of medication, hopefully in a non-"forever" sort of way.
Please feel free to pontificate if you disagree with my conclusions or believe there to be glaring omissions.
Thanks to everyone who responded, both in this thread and in PMs. A few personal notes, Scowick, never apologize again for posting on this thread. I've definitely learned to value your input. And, Teamgreen, it's good to hear from you. You were a huge part of my quit when I was in the July 2010 group and now you're helping me stay quit this time around. Amazing. Thanks, brother.
Thanks to you all.
-KD
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There is no shame in admitting you need help and definitely no shame in taking medication it will help.
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If you go the meds way, remember that it takes time for them to become effective, and if you go off of them, you cannot quit cold turkey. You must be weened from them.
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Good stuff. Maybe after you make your choice and some time passes you might assess your choice. I am curious and would like to learn a bit.
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155 Days - Update on the drugs - sorry this is a bit stream of consciousness, but thought some might appreciate the update. Here's what's transpired since our last round of posts.
My wife and I decided that I should try the anti-depressants and discussed it with my therapist. Unfortunately, my therapist is a Phd, not an MD, so she had to refer me to someone else to get an actual prescription. This involved trying to summarize everything I'd uncovered with my prior therapist in a single 90 minute session with a new lady who I didn't know, trust or even particularly like. It put me in a pretty sour mood, and kinda made my head hurt. I had several "ah, just fuck it" kind of moments, where it just didn't seem worth the trouble to get this stranger to understand me. But eventually I got through it, choked down her egregious bill and left with a prescription for Lexapro, with a chaser of Ativan thrown in for good measure.
Lexapro works as an SSRI drug, which is the mechanism of action. Without getting too detailed about what that means, for most people, it takes four to six weeks to build up in the body before it starts having an impact on depression. Some people claim they feel something immediately. My personal belief is that this a combination of placebo effect and perhaps the relief that comes from having something that gives you hope. Regardless, I haven't had any immediate improvement in my depression symptoms in the week I've been taking the drug. But I have had side effects.
For one, I'm absolutely exhausted. My sleep patterns have been upset at night, so this is contributing to it, but it feels like more than just tired from a bad night's sleep. Last Sat I slept for two hours in the afternoon, still went to bed at 9pm and didn't wake up until 9am the next morning. Then I was still exhausted all day. This wasn't a common side effect that the doctor discussed with me, so I'm planning to ask her about it in my next appointment on Wed.
Side effects that I was expecting included nausea and anxiety. I haven't experienced nausea, but I have had other forms of digestion discomfort. So far, Lexapro has turned my asshole into a bazooka. Supposedly, these symptoms only last for three or four days, so we'll see if they subside.
I've also definitely felt the anxiety. Unfortunately, for me it's actually given my some pretty strong craves. It's just kind of this antsy tension in the small of my back, combined with feeling scatter-brained and struggling to concentrate on things. Not sure why, but it's had me thinking of dip a lot more than usual. I've already binged on pizza twice this week, which I haven't done since the first few weeks of my quit. Ativan is numbing, but it doesnÂ’t seem to quite target it for me. Plus it's addictive, so I'm scared of it. I've only tried one, and I'm thinking I'll probably throw the rest of them away. The new shrink lady said she could prescribe a combination of Lexapro and Wellbutrin if anxiety becomes a problem. Since Wellbutrin works on dopamine receptors, it's often helpful in fighting cravings. It actually lists anxiety as a common side effect as well though, so I'm a bit confused about that. Again, I plan to discuss this more with my therapist.
Finally, libido. I was warned of this one, but if I'm being honest, I think it's pretty cruel. It's like the Pharma companies kicking you when you're down. You never realize what you've got until it's gone. I'm not even talking about sexÂ…just the option to rub one out in the shower if I feel like it. That's every man's god given right. And just to be clear, I still have the urge to do that, and I can still get it upÂ…I just can't finish. I guess I thought I was in pretty good shape, but I'm lacking in wrist endurance and I have no skin left on the bishopÂ… It wouldn't be so bad if I couldn't do it and didn't want to. But wanting to and not being able to just sucks.
Anyway, I have nothing to report on efficacy yet. Hopefully, my next post will have more good news. As I mentioned, there's a number of issues I needs to investigate further with my therapist. I'll update you if something interesting comes out of those conversations.
Proud to be quit with you. Keep fightin' the good fight, gentleman.
-KD out
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Day - 157
I've had two appointments in the last two days, one each with the two therapists I'm seeing, first the MD, then the Phd. But before I get to that, I'm feeling the need to get something off my chest:
I'd like to just give a deeply satisfying and heartfelt fuck you to the world for this mountain of shit. Serve up your best, worldÂ…I got three words for youÂ…IÂ’M STILL QUIT!
Now that I've got that out of my system, my first appt was yesterday with shrink #2; the M.D. She felt my side-effects were excessive, so she wanted to change my prescriptions. But she also told me she was going to be on vacation for the next two weeks, so I was immediately worried about being stuck with a decision that wasn't working. I decided to prioritize the side-effects that I was trying to solve for. The biggest issue for me was that I was experiencing strong cravings. I think the cravings are associated with the side effect of heightened anxiety that's very unsettling. At the same time, I've had feelings that most on this site would refer to as the fuck its. It's this feeling that I'm putting up with all this shit, I have two fucking therapists, I'm taking all these drugs, wouldn't it be easier to just say fuck it and dive into a tin.
Anyway, the cravings are strong and I'm back to avoiding streets with bodegas and tobacco shops. For this reason, I decided getting help with the cravings is more important than fixing my broken tool or my explosive diarrhea. Since I could only change one thing, I stuck with the Lexapro and added Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin works on Dopamine, so it has a side effect of lessoning cravings for those addicted to nicotine. So now I'm on both of them, and eventually, I'll probably have to swap Lexapro for Prozac. But hopefully, I can do that after little miss M.D. comes back from holiday. I also found it interesting that I was having all these side effects with the lowest possible dose of Lexapro. I was only taking 10mg, and my therapist was hoping she could up it to closer to 20mg. I can't imagine the craps I'd be taking under that regiment.
My other therapist meeting was this morning. She's more empathetic and less clinical which is nice. I went with my wife. I think she appreciates my willingness to let her in on everything that's going on and be a part of the decisions about treatment. But my therapist thinks I lean on her when she's there and don't work as hard on the session as I would if it was one on one. There may be something to that. So my wife is going to come periodically going forward but not all the time.
So what's the big summary? First depression sucks, and I definitely feel depressed. The toughest thing is that it's just barely thereÂ…below the surfaceÂ…subtle but corrosive and quite debilitating. If you think you might be suffering from low to moderate depression, definitely talk to someone. Left untreated, it usually gets worse.
Second, these drugs take commitment and patience; two attributes that are in short supply when you're depressed. Having a partner to remind you that you have to see it through can help. I'm glad my wife is there with me, because my case of the fuck its might get the better of me otherwise.
Lastly, it might take a bit more experimenting to find the right mix of medication for me. And it will likely be another 3-4 wks before I start feeling any benefit. I'll be sure to keep you guys posted. Thanks to everyone that's expressed support. I hope to god someone finds all this personal shit helpful.
-KD
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I am glad you are moving forward and staying Quit! Good for you to do what you need to do to stay quit and improve your quality of life. You have good support from your wife and doctors.
Keep us updated--you are a great asset to this site.
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Jesus, KD, your quit just gave my quit a boost.
While I love my quit and how sexy it is, your quit is the fucking bomb. I'm proud that your quit and my quit are on the same website, Internet, and planet, but I suspect your quit just might be from a different planet that had some crazy evolutional event that caused all of the quit to be fucking awesome. And, of course, they send the most awesome of the awesome to explore and seed other planets.
Keep up the good quit, brother. Keep your wife involved. Thank her. You are a better man without nicotine, and I'm proud of you.
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Day - 183
I'm taking a break from bitching about my problems today to share something a bit more important. My wife's mother was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma about 11 years ago. She went through several rounds of treatment, including chemo and an autologous (using her own stem cells) stem cell transplant in 2006. Eventually, all of these treatments and exposure to radiation led to MDS, which is a bone marrow condition that can lead to Leukemia. Remarkably, the treatment for this is more radiation and an allogenic (using donor stem cells) transplant. Unfortunately, allo transplants are grueling and very scary, with mortality rates that are quite a bit worse than those for auto transplants. With an iron will, she agreed to the procedure and showed remarkable strength and determination as she fought towards recovery.
Unfortunately, all has not gone as planned. I explain the rest of the story in a letter I sent to my family last week. The last thing I'll add is that my mother-in-law is a beautiful and inspiring woman. It is clear that cancer is a ruthless and non-discriminating killer. The letter is copied below:
Hi All,
I thought you all should know what's happening with [my wife's] mother, Leah. As you may know, Leah was diagnosed with MDS last year. This is essentially a bone marrow deficiency caused by exposure to radiation. If MDS progresses, it can lead to Leukemia. Leah went through a very difficult stem cell transplant to treat the MDS and appeared to be making a remarkable recovery until about 7 months after the transplant. Her blood counts suddenly dropped and we learned that the transplant hadn't worked. She started seeing an Oncologist at [Hospital Name] and started a treatment regimen that consisted of treatments once a day for seven days, every four weeks. It was taxing, but she was starting to enjoy some improvement in her quality of life and had even done some travelling. Unfortunately, in late July, her doctor told her that the treatment wasn't working and her blood counts were dropping again. They switched to another drug and she's been trying that since mid-August.
Last week, she was having problems with sores in her mouth and bleeding gums and she was experiencing extreme fatigue. Her doctor recommended she go to the ER. After a series of tests she was diagnosed with pneumonia and she's been held in the hospital while they attempt to get her fevers under control.
Unfortunately, while this was going on, Leah got news from her oncologist that the second drug is also not working. The only course of action left to her is a very extreme course of very strong chemo. This has been an option that Leah has been avoiding since she learned that her last stem cell transplant didn't work. It's possible that she would not survive the treatment. It's also clear that if she did the treatment and didn't survive it, her remaining days would be extremely unpleasant. It is our belief that Leah will likely opt for supportive care with transfusions and attempt to enjoy the time she has left with her friends and family. The doctor expects her time left will be weeks to months.
Remarkably, Leah remains positive. [My wife] left to be with her Thursday morning. [My son] and I will fly out to see her this weekend. Not sure if you've had the chance to see Leah's blog, but I've copied the link below. Her's is a truly inspiring story of strength and determination that has touched the lives of many.
[link deleted]
Chris
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Day 200
Thought I'd update the community on my experiences with therapyu and anti-depressants. Some of you have expressed interest in learning from my experiences, so I hope this is helpful. Here is the history of my prescriptions over the last 60 days:
August 8th - 10mg Lexapro
August 17th - 10mg Lexapro and 100mg Wellbutrin Sr
September 7th - 10mg Lexapro and 200mg Wellbutrin Sr
September 21st - 10mg Lexapro and 300mg Wellbutrin XL
These changes are all related to my feedback and what I've experienced as side effects. The Lexapro made me very drowsy and the sexual side-effects are frustrating. The Wellbutrin was meant to counter some of this. It did make me feel more awake, but I still have the suppressed libido. We stepped up the Wellbutrin because it seemed to be having more positive impact. But Wellbutrin is a stimulant and my doctor is hesitant to prescribe significant increases all at once. That's why I've had to take it in stages. Some people experience significant anxiety and feel like their heart is pounding out of their chest when they take Wellbutrin. I've experienced some of the anxiety, but not the accelerated heart rate.
Unfortunately, I felt the best when I was on the 200mg of Wellbutrin Sr. For some reason, going to XL seemed to not work as well, even though the dosage is increased. It's supposedly the same stuff, just in an extended release format, so you can take one tab in the morning and not have to take multiple tabs during the day. I was very disappointed when I actually felt worse after making this change.
Overall, this process has been extremely frustrating. The lack of positive results while seeing two separate therapists is a little tough to handle. I've also had a lot of uncomfortable side effects that the literature says only occur in very few patients. So far I've had anxiety, diarrhea, flatulence, decreased libido, difficulty ejaculating, drowsiness and weird cravings for carbohydrates. The anxiety feels like a restlessness and tension that triggers cravings for me. I've been pigging out to fight the cravings. I'm up about 12lbs and all my pants are tight. Tight waste bands are tough when you already have GI discomfort. I've taken to pulling up close to my desk and undoing my belt and top button. I've come close to ditching this whole process several times. The only thing keeping me hanging on is the fact that I have so much invested. A finance guy would tell you that's faulty logic, but it is what it is.
Wellbutrin is supposed to generally improve your mood. It acts on dopamine, same as nicotine. Lexapro is supposed to give you this feeling of separation from what's causing the depression. You can still see it and deal with it, but you're not as emotionally attached. I guess I started to feel some of the benefits of improved mood from Wellbutrin, but I haven't felt anything close to the way Lexapro is supposed to make you feel. If anyone's had different experiences, I'd love to hear about it.
Unfortunately, while all this has been going on, my wife has been spending weeks out in Detroit caring for her terminally ill mother. We've been flying back and forth on the weekends, but the weeks are lonely. Being home alone is also a powerful trigger for me. I've averaged a pint of Ben Jerry's a night fighting these cravings and I haven't worked out in three and a half weeks.
Spending time on the KTC website has been a huge help to me during this time. I read constantly and still post roll call in the June 2011 and July 2010 quit groups. This morning, I logged on to post roll in June 11, and everyone was congratulating me on 200. Wasn't really expecting that - it felt pretty damn good. Just the boost I needed to stay quit another day. Thanks to everyone for keeping me honest. I'd have been crawling back to the nic bitch a long time ago if it weren't for this community.
-KD out
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Day 200
Thought I'd update the community on my experiences with therapyu and anti-depressants. Some of you have expressed interest in learning from my experiences, so I hope this is helpful. Here is the history of my prescriptions over the last 60 days:
August 8th - 10mg Lexapro
August 17th - 10mg Lexapro and 100mg Wellbutrin Sr
September 7th - 10mg Lexapro and 200mg Wellbutrin Sr
September 21st - 10mg Lexapro and 300mg Wellbutrin XL
These changes are all related to my feedback and what I've experienced as side effects. The Lexapro made me very drowsy and the sexual side-effects are frustrating. The Wellbutrin was meant to counter some of this. It did make me feel more awake, but I still have the suppressed libido. We stepped up the Wellbutrin because it seemed to be having more positive impact. But Wellbutrin is a stimulant and my doctor is hesitant to prescribe significant increases all at once. That's why I've had to take it in stages. Some people experience significant anxiety and feel like their heart is pounding out of their chest when they take Wellbutrin. I've experienced some of the anxiety, but not the accelerated heart rate.
Unfortunately, I felt the best when I was on the 200mg of Wellbutrin Sr. For some reason, going to XL seemed to not work as well, even though the dosage is increased. It's supposedly the same stuff, just in an extended release format, so you can take one tab in the morning and not have to take multiple tabs during the day. I was very disappointed when I actually felt worse after making this change.
Overall, this process has been extremely frustrating. The lack of positive results while seeing two separate therapists is a little tough to handle. I've also had a lot of uncomfortable side effects that the literature says only occur in very few patients. So far I've had anxiety, diarrhea, flatulence, decreased libido, difficulty ejaculating, drowsiness and weird cravings for carbohydrates. The anxiety feels like a restlessness and tension that triggers cravings for me. I've been pigging out to fight the cravings. I'm up about 12lbs and all my pants are tight. Tight waste bands are tough when you already have GI discomfort. I've taken to pulling up close to my desk and undoing my belt and top button. I've come close to ditching this whole process several times. The only thing keeping me hanging on is the fact that I have so much invested. A finance guy would tell you that's faulty logic, but it is what it is.
Wellbutrin is supposed to generally improve your mood. It acts on dopamine, same as nicotine. Lexapro is supposed to give you this feeling of separation from what's causing the depression. You can still see it and deal with it, but you're not as emotionally attached. I guess I started to feel some of the benefits of improved mood from Wellbutrin, but I haven't felt anything close to the way Lexapro is supposed to make you feel. If anyone's had different experiences, I'd love to hear about it.
Unfortunately, while all this has been going on, my wife has been spending weeks out in Detroit caring for her terminally ill mother. We've been flying back and forth on the weekends, but the weeks are lonely. Being home alone is also a powerful trigger for me. I've averaged a pint of Ben Jerry's a night fighting these cravings and I haven't worked out in three and a half weeks.
Spending time on the KTC website has been a huge help to me during this time. I read constantly and still post roll call in the June 2011 and July 2010 quit groups. This morning, I logged on to post roll in June 11, and everyone was congratulating me on 200. Wasn't really expecting that - it felt pretty damn good. Just the boost I needed to stay quit another day. Thanks to everyone for keeping me honest. I'd have been crawling back to the nic bitch a long time ago if it weren't for this community.
-KD out
Thanks KD. This is exactly the kind of stuff that takes big nuts to share and really helps a lot of people. You are one bad-ass quitter.
-NDY
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it's occurred to me that i may not actually have any therapists. they may just be voices in my head. i still like the PhD better than the MD. which is weird since it was the PhD's idea for me to start taking drugs in the first place. i've been miserable ever sinceÂ…certainly more miserable than i was before i met herÂ…i thinkÂ…it's hard to remember. anyway, the PhD likes to blame the MD and she encourages me to do the same. which is also weird since she was the one who recommended the MD. the voices don't play by their own rules.
but i did what she said. i called up the MD and said these drugs suck; they're fucking useless. i asked her if there was anything else to try or should we just resort to my original suggestion; medicinal marijuana. she ignored my suggestion...again. she's very even keel despite my tone being thick with accusation. is that further evidence that she's not real? i didn't call her a quack, but that's what that voice inside my head was screaming. i guess the outside me still has better manners.
but then she turned into a pusher. at least that's what i've been telling myself. maybe she was a pill pusher all along, maybe not, but i can't go back to her now. she acknowledged that everything she'd recommended wasn't working, so her solution was to try an anti-psychotic. i smiled politely and then punched her as hard as i could on her left tit. i'm pretty sure i only did it in my imagination, but if i really need anti-psychotics, i guess i can't be sure. i told her to cancel my future appointments and then i left.
i got back to my office and starting doing searches on withdrawal symptoms for wellbutrin and lexapro. i have three voicemails on my cell phone from little miss MD warning me not to stop taking the drugs. the stupid bitch is worried about the side effects of withdrawel - like there's anything SHE could teach ME about side effects. holy shit, i might get irritable? i might have nausea and diarrhea? anxiety? dizziness? loss of balance and coordination? does anybody else find it fucked up that the side effects of not taking the drugs are the same as the side effects of taking them? fuck these people and they're fucking drugs. bring on the fucking side effects!