KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: waketech on December 28, 2012, 12:49:00 AM
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So I was floating along like a BOSS with 108 days under my belt. I dropped my hands for just a split second and the bitch took a swing at my face. She missed of course because I never even let here get that close, but here is the story:
I stopped to assist a Deputy that had a vehicle stopped. I was talking with the driver who was smoking something that was plugged into the cigarette lighter. This was no ordinary Electronic cigarette, this was a top of the line device with several customized chrome parts. I asked him about it and he stated that you can refill the clear class capsule with "liquid nicotine stuff" and smoke it. He had bought each of the parts separately and estimated that he was in it about 50 dollars. You could tell this was his prize possession and he was happy to show it off. Hmmm...I thought as my addict mind began to turn...liquid nicotine?...could it be safe?....have I found the perfect device to feed my addiction? Then I realized what I was thinking and it scared me. I never have even smoked a cigarette and I was rationalizing a way to get nicotine. I have been able to destroy all of my craves but was not ready for this cheap shot.
The driver was subsequently arrested for possession of heroin. As we talked about his addiction with heroin I found myself nodding my head in agreement. I was no different then this young kid, I am an addict!
I am typing this to remind myself that I am an ADDICT. That I can never let my hands drop and expose my chin. Any opportunity the nic-bitch has to take a swing she will. She will ground pound me and not let me back up.. NEVER AGAIN!
Waketech -Day 108-
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It's always there. Great stuff Waketech.
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You got it! Thanks for sharing. Watch those post HOF funks they can really suck, but you have the tools now and obviously you know how to use them and know when you Need them.
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So I was floating along like a BOSS with 108 days under my belt. I dropped my hands for just a split second and the bitch took a swing at my face. She missed of course because I never even let here get that close, but here is the story:
I stopped to assist a Deputy that had a vehicle stopped. I was talking with the driver who was smoking something that was plugged into the cigarette lighter. This was no ordinary Electronic cigarette, this was a top of the line device with several customized chrome parts. I asked him about it and he stated that you can refill the clear class capsule with "liquid nicotine stuff" and smoke it. He had bought each of the parts separately and estimated that he was in it about 50 dollars. You could tell this was his prize possession and he was happy to show it off. Hmmm...I thought as my addict mind began to turn...liquid nicotine?...could it be safe?....have I found the perfect device to feed my addiction? Then I realized what I was thinking and it scared me. I never have even smoked a cigarette and I was rationalizing a way to get nicotine. I have been able to destroy all of my craves but was not ready for this cheap shot.
The driver was subsequently arrested for possession of heroin. As we talked about his addiction with heroin I found myself nodding my head in agreement. I was no different then this young kid, I am an addict!
I am typing this to remind myself that I am an ADDICT. That I can never let my hands drop and expose my chin. Any opportunity the nic-bitch has to take a swing she will. She will ground pound me and not let me back up.. NEVER AGAIN!
Waketech -Day 108-
For those of you struggling with your quit, please read this. Very important words to help you understand what you are battling! Great job Wake.
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Awesome Job Wake and a great post for everyone to read! HOF is just one level of quit! We are all Addicts!! Only difference is that our drug is legal.
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Good Reminder Wake. We all have to stay strong. Proud to be quit with you today Brother.
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DAmn fine job, Wake. Couldn't have stood it to lose another brother to the bitch. Stay strong and keep your guard up. Proud to be quit with you today.
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I have read this thread every day since it was first posted. I am trying to balance keeping my hands up without clenching my fists 24/7. On guard, ready but loose. Make sense?
Also, thanks for letting me steal your analogy for the January HoF train...
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Same shit kindof has been happening to me....I have had the wierd urge to smoke pipe tobacco for some dumbass reason. Never smoked a pipe in my life. Well tobacco pipe anyway.
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Same shit kindof has been happening to me....I have had the wierd urge to smoke pipe tobacco for some dumbass reason. Never smoked a pipe in my life. Well tobacco pipe anyway.
NAFAR Never Again For Any Reason!
Nicotine makes nothing better! 'bang head'
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Again, Wake, thank you for recounting this. It's such a good, concise lesson.
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I never attempted to stop using nicotine before my quit because I was too big of a pussy to even make the attempt. Quit 164 days now and the Nic bitch is whispering shit in my ear. She is telling me I'm jealous of people that have had that chance to try it ONE last time. Could use some help reminding me and maybe others that might be thinking this same thing, of what that ONE last chew or CAVE felt/feels like? Maybe an older thread to read?
*wish I would have documented in my intro my first few months of my quit so I could remember perfectly the suck.
Thanks
Waketch -164- Never again!!!
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I never attempted to stop using nicotine before my quit because I was too big of a pussy to even make the attempt. Quit 164 days now and the Nic bitch is whispering shit in my ear. She is telling me I'm jealous of people that have had that chance to try it ONE last time. Could use some help reminding me and maybe others that might be thinking this same thing, of what that ONE last chew or CAVE felt/feels like? Maybe an older thread to read?
*wish I would have documented in my intro my first few months of my quit so I could remember perfectly the suck.
Thanks
Waketch -164- Never again!!!
One of the vets on here once said, "It only takes ONE CHEW" to kill you. The one last dose of poision that puts your body over the edge. You don't even want to give that "LAST CHEW" a chance, cause it could very well be the one that kills you.
You've come so far, and everday is another acheivement for you. Stay strong Quit brother. PM or text if you need anything EDITED.
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I never attempted to stop using nicotine before my quit because I was too big of a pussy to even make the attempt. Quit 164 days now and the Nic bitch is whispering shit in my ear. She is telling me I'm jealous of people that have had that chance to try it ONE last time.  Could use some help reminding me and maybe others that might be thinking this same thing, of what that ONE last chew or CAVE felt/feels like? Maybe an older thread to read?
*wish I would have documented in my intro my first few months of my quit so I could remember perfectly the suck.
Thanks
Waketch -164- Never again!!!
One of the vets on here once said, "It only takes ONE CHEW" to kill you. The one last dose of poision that puts your body over the edge. You don't even want to give that "LAST CHEW" a chance, cause it could very well be the one that kills you.
You've come so far, and everday is another acheivement for you. Stay strong Quit brother. PM or text if you need anything EDITED.
Wake, Read the most recent post by me in my "51 Days of Battle..." in my signature. The self-loathing exhibited in there... That's what I felt intensely for days.
jhawth25, Awesome to see you in here. Wake's got some awesome words of honestly, humility AND strength. What more could we ask of a quitter? We'll help you get May whipped into shape. But it's got to be internal and organic. Rage against a few hardass vets if you have to, just come out on the other side unified.
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I never attempted to stop using nicotine before my quit because I was too big of a pussy to even make the attempt. Quit 164 days now and the Nic bitch is whispering shit in my ear. She is telling me I'm jealous of people that have had that chance to try it ONE last time.  Could use some help reminding me and maybe others that might be thinking this same thing, of what that ONE last chew or CAVE felt/feels like? Maybe an older thread to read?
*wish I would have documented in my intro my first few months of my quit so I could remember perfectly the suck.
Thanks
Waketch -164- Never again!!!
One of the vets on here once said, "It only takes ONE CHEW" to kill you. The one last dose of poision that puts your body over the edge. You don't even want to give that "LAST CHEW" a chance, cause it could very well be the one that kills you.
You've come so far, and everday is another acheivement for you. Stay strong Quit brother. PM or text if you need anything EDITED.
Wake, Read the most recent post by me in my "51 Days of Battle..." in my signature. The self-loathing exhibited in there... That's what I felt intensely for days.
jhawth25, Awesome to see you in here. Wake's got some awesome words of honestly, humility AND strength. What more could we ask of a quitter? We'll help you get May whipped into shape. But it's got to be internal and organic. Rage against a few hardass vets if you have to, just come out on the other side unified.
Wake, many of us have had those same feelings. During the 130's I really questioned if I wanted to be quit. I actually batted that thought around in my head. Why, my addicted mind was still trying to find a crack in the chinking of my quit! Today my grasp on quitting nicotine is pretty damn strong but my fucked up searching mind is trying to open other doors that have been closed. It's like I'm running up and down a long hallway with locked doors on both sides. These doors represent things that I have used or could be used to avoid dealing with daily pressures. Isn't it smarter to just quit avoiding the tackling of life's issues. Thank you for your post it has made me face my reality. It's time for me to quit looking for a easy way out when the easy way is actually the one I'm avoiding.
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I never attempted to stop using nicotine before my quit because I was too big of a pussy to even make the attempt. Quit 164 days now and the Nic bitch is whispering shit in my ear. She is telling me I'm jealous of people that have had that chance to try it ONE last time.  Could use some help reminding me and maybe others that might be thinking this same thing, of what that ONE last chew or CAVE felt/feels like? Maybe an older thread to read?
*wish I would have documented in my intro my first few months of my quit so I could remember perfectly the suck.
Thanks
Waketch -164- Never again!!!
One of the vets on here once said, "It only takes ONE CHEW" to kill you. The one last dose of poision that puts your body over the edge. You don't even want to give that "LAST CHEW" a chance, cause it could very well be the one that kills you.
You've come so far, and everday is another acheivement for you. Stay strong Quit brother. PM or text if you need anything EDITED.
Wake, Read the most recent post by me in my "51 Days of Battle..." in my signature. The self-loathing exhibited in there... That's what I felt intensely for days.
jhawth25, Awesome to see you in here. Wake's got some awesome words of honestly, humility AND strength. What more could we ask of a quitter? We'll help you get May whipped into shape. But it's got to be internal and organic. Rage against a few hardass vets if you have to, just come out on the other side unified.
Wake, many of us have had those same feelings. During the 130's I really questioned if I wanted to be quit. I actually batted that thought around in my head. Why, my addicted mind was still trying to find a crack in the chinking of my quit! Today my grasp on quitting nicotine is pretty damn strong but my fucked up searching mind is trying to open other doors that have been closed. It's like I'm running up and down a long hallway with locked doors on both sides. These doors represent things that I have used or could be used to avoid dealing with daily pressures. Isn't it smarter to just quit avoiding the tackling of life's issues. Thank you for your post it has made me face my reality. It's time for me to quit looking for a easy way out when the easy way is actually the one I'm avoiding.
Wake - You're fine. I'm just coming out of the same whisper session from the bitch. Didn't last too long and thanks to several great friends from the site, I'm born again hard to my quit. You got this, my man! You are stonger than she is. You and only you control your actions 100%. The pain and guilt that you will feel just buying a can will make you feel a 1000 times worse than what you feel right now. Check you inbox. I got your back. Don't make a move without letting me cuss you out first. LOL!!!!
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I never attempted to stop using nicotine before my quit because I was too big of a pussy to even make the attempt. Quit 164 days now and the Nic bitch is whispering shit in my ear. She is telling me I'm jealous of people that have had that chance to try it ONE last time.  Could use some help reminding me and maybe others that might be thinking this same thing, of what that ONE last chew or CAVE felt/feels like? Maybe an older thread to read?
*wish I would have documented in my intro my first few months of my quit so I could remember perfectly the suck.
Thanks
Waketch -164- Never again!!!
One of the vets on here once said, "It only takes ONE CHEW" to kill you. The one last dose of poision that puts your body over the edge. You don't even want to give that "LAST CHEW" a chance, cause it could very well be the one that kills you.
You've come so far, and everday is another acheivement for you. Stay strong Quit brother. PM or text if you need anything EDITED.
Wake, Read the most recent post by me in my "51 Days of Battle..." in my signature. The self-loathing exhibited in there... That's what I felt intensely for days.
jhawth25, Awesome to see you in here. Wake's got some awesome words of honestly, humility AND strength. What more could we ask of a quitter? We'll help you get May whipped into shape. But it's got to be internal and organic. Rage against a few hardass vets if you have to, just come out on the other side unified.
Wake, many of us have had those same feelings. During the 130's I really questioned if I wanted to be quit. I actually batted that thought around in my head. Why, my addicted mind was still trying to find a crack in the chinking of my quit! Today my grasp on quitting nicotine is pretty damn strong but my fucked up searching mind is trying to open other doors that have been closed. It's like I'm running up and down a long hallway with locked doors on both sides. These doors represent things that I have used or could be used to avoid dealing with daily pressures. Isn't it smarter to just quit avoiding the tackling of life's issues. Thank you for your post it has made me face my reality. It's time for me to quit looking for a easy way out when the easy way is actually the one I'm avoiding.
Wake - You're fine. I'm just coming out of the same whisper session from the bitch. Didn't last too long and thanks to several great friends from the site, I'm born again hard to my quit. You got this, my man! You are stonger than she is. You and only you control your actions 100%. The pain and guilt that you will feel just buying a can will make you feel a 1000 times worse than what you feel right now. Check you inbox. I got your back. Don't make a move without letting me cuss you out first. LOL!!!!
The Law of Addiction States, “The administration of a drug to a drug addict will reestablish dependence on that drug.” We did not write the law. We do not execute the law. We simply know the law. This means, by using nicotine once, the user either reverts to full-fledged use or must go through the full withdrawal process associated with quitting. Most do not opt for the withdrawal. Withdrawal sux.
Like the others said. This too shall pass. Kick the nic bitch in the face for me!
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I never attempted to stop using nicotine before my quit because I was too big of a pussy to even make the attempt. Quit 164 days now and the Nic bitch is whispering shit in my ear. She is telling me I'm jealous of people that have had that chance to try it ONE last time.  Could use some help reminding me and maybe others that might be thinking this same thing, of what that ONE last chew or CAVE felt/feels like? Maybe an older thread to read?
*wish I would have documented in my intro my first few months of my quit so I could remember perfectly the suck.
Thanks
Waketch -164- Never again!!!
One of the vets on here once said, "It only takes ONE CHEW" to kill you. The one last dose of poision that puts your body over the edge. You don't even want to give that "LAST CHEW" a chance, cause it could very well be the one that kills you.
You've come so far, and everday is another acheivement for you. Stay strong Quit brother. PM or text if you need anything EDITED.
Wake, Read the most recent post by me in my "51 Days of Battle..." in my signature. The self-loathing exhibited in there... That's what I felt intensely for days.
jhawth25, Awesome to see you in here. Wake's got some awesome words of honestly, humility AND strength. What more could we ask of a quitter? We'll help you get May whipped into shape. But it's got to be internal and organic. Rage against a few hardass vets if you have to, just come out on the other side unified.
Wake, many of us have had those same feelings. During the 130's I really questioned if I wanted to be quit. I actually batted that thought around in my head. Why, my addicted mind was still trying to find a crack in the chinking of my quit! Today my grasp on quitting nicotine is pretty damn strong but my fucked up searching mind is trying to open other doors that have been closed. It's like I'm running up and down a long hallway with locked doors on both sides. These doors represent things that I have used or could be used to avoid dealing with daily pressures. Isn't it smarter to just quit avoiding the tackling of life's issues. Thank you for your post it has made me face my reality. It's time for me to quit looking for a easy way out when the easy way is actually the one I'm avoiding.
Wake - You're fine. I'm just coming out of the same whisper session from the bitch. Didn't last too long and thanks to several great friends from the site, I'm born again hard to my quit. You got this, my man! You are stonger than she is. You and only you control your actions 100%. The pain and guilt that you will feel just buying a can will make you feel a 1000 times worse than what you feel right now. Check you inbox. I got your back. Don't make a move without letting me cuss you out first. LOL!!!!
The Law of Addiction States, “The administration of a drug to a drug addict will reestablish dependence on that drug.” We did not write the law. We do not execute the law. We simply know the law. This means, by using nicotine once, the user either reverts to full-fledged use or must go through the full withdrawal process associated with quitting. Most do not opt for the withdrawal. Withdrawal sux.
Like the others said. This too shall pass. Kick the nic bitch in the face for me!
Thanks for the honesty waketech. I hate seeing that people still struggle after so many days. But I guess it is good to know, and prepare for that in my quit. It is amazing how similar everyone's experience is. Not exact, but very similar.
Just remember bro, you are NOT "giving anything up". You are NOT "making a sacrifice". Fuck that, you are QUIT because you have learned the truth. Nicotine never did anything for you except to ease the withdrawal symptoms that nicotine caused. Having "one final dip", even if it were possible, would be absolutely pointless and retarded. And like the other guys said, you know the Law of Addiciton. Why fuck around, this is your life man. You don't need it, and truth is, you never did. Could you imagine being chained to that can again?? Protect your quit Wake Tech, do not even entertain these thoughts.
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I never attempted to stop using nicotine before my quit because I was too big of a pussy to even make the attempt. Quit 164 days now and the Nic bitch is whispering shit in my ear. She is telling me I'm jealous of people that have had that chance to try it ONE last time.  Could use some help reminding me and maybe others that might be thinking this same thing, of what that ONE last chew or CAVE felt/feels like? Maybe an older thread to read?
*wish I would have documented in my intro my first few months of my quit so I could remember perfectly the suck.
Thanks
Waketch -164- Never again!!!
One of the vets on here once said, "It only takes ONE CHEW" to kill you. The one last dose of poision that puts your body over the edge. You don't even want to give that "LAST CHEW" a chance, cause it could very well be the one that kills you.
You've come so far, and everday is another acheivement for you. Stay strong Quit brother. PM or text if you need anything EDITED.
Wake, Read the most recent post by me in my "51 Days of Battle..." in my signature. The self-loathing exhibited in there... That's what I felt intensely for days.
jhawth25, Awesome to see you in here. Wake's got some awesome words of honestly, humility AND strength. What more could we ask of a quitter? We'll help you get May whipped into shape. But it's got to be internal and organic. Rage against a few hardass vets if you have to, just come out on the other side unified.
Wake, many of us have had those same feelings. During the 130's I really questioned if I wanted to be quit. I actually batted that thought around in my head. Why, my addicted mind was still trying to find a crack in the chinking of my quit! Today my grasp on quitting nicotine is pretty damn strong but my fucked up searching mind is trying to open other doors that have been closed. It's like I'm running up and down a long hallway with locked doors on both sides. These doors represent things that I have used or could be used to avoid dealing with daily pressures. Isn't it smarter to just quit avoiding the tackling of life's issues. Thank you for your post it has made me face my reality. It's time for me to quit looking for a easy way out when the easy way is actually the one I'm avoiding.
Wake - You're fine. I'm just coming out of the same whisper session from the bitch. Didn't last too long and thanks to several great friends from the site, I'm born again hard to my quit. You got this, my man! You are stonger than she is. You and only you control your actions 100%. The pain and guilt that you will feel just buying a can will make you feel a 1000 times worse than what you feel right now. Check you inbox. I got your back. Don't make a move without letting me cuss you out first. LOL!!!!
The Law of Addiction States, “The administration of a drug to a drug addict will reestablish dependence on that drug.” We did not write the law. We do not execute the law. We simply know the law. This means, by using nicotine once, the user either reverts to full-fledged use or must go through the full withdrawal process associated with quitting. Most do not opt for the withdrawal. Withdrawal sux.
Like the others said. This too shall pass. Kick the nic bitch in the face for me!
Thanks for the honesty waketech. I hate seeing that people still struggle after so many days. But I guess it is good to know, and prepare for that in my quit. It is amazing how similar everyone's experience is. Not exact, but very similar.
Just remember bro, you are NOT "giving anything up". You are NOT "making a sacrifice". Fuck that, you are QUIT because you have learned the truth. Nicotine never did anything for you except to ease the withdrawal symptoms that nicotine caused. Having "one final dip", even if it were possible, would be absolutely pointless and retarded. And like the other guys said, you know the Law of Addiciton. Why fuck around, this is your life man. You don't need it, and truth is, you never did. Could you imagine being chained to that can again?? Protect your quit Wake Tech, do not even entertain these thoughts.
WTF!! Wake...You are a HUGE BALLED, King of Quit!!! Dont you fucking dare!! Open a Drawer, place balls and slam shut. Repeat until you wake the fuck up!!
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I never attempted to stop using nicotine before my quit because I was too big of a pussy to even make the attempt. Quit 164 days now and the Nic bitch is whispering shit in my ear. She is telling me I'm jealous of people that have had that chance to try it ONE last time. Could use some help reminding me and maybe others that might be thinking this same thing, of what that ONE last chew or CAVE felt/feels like? Maybe an older thread to read?
*wish I would have documented in my intro my first few months of my quit so I could remember perfectly the suck.
Thanks
Waketch -164- Never again!!!
Guess you dropped you hands again, eh? Got your chin out there for the nic bitch to tattoo?
What do you THINK is gonna happen if you let her get a free swing at you? That your gonna feel better? That you're gonna spring back to life like Popeye after eating some spinach??? Oh...I know, you think maybe you could be a recreational user, that the addict part of you is gone. Riiiiggghht...
Fuck no. That bitch will knock you off you're fucking ROCKER. You know it too. Don't try and bullshit us.
Only a fool would purposely throw away all the hard work they've put in by letting themself get knocked the fuck out with their hands at their sides like a little bitch ass pussy.
You're not a fool nor a bitch ass pussy. If u were, you wouldn't be here.
Get your fucking hands back up and keep fighting. Youve been murdering this bitch for awhile now. Use everything you have learned and get back to speed bagging the bitches face. You got this bro.
I believe in you and so does everyone else.
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I was close to this guy and was shocked when he caved. Read his entire thread if you can. Here is a post of the torture he went through with gum grafts, then his farewell post.
I texted him the next day after his cave and asked "was it worth it, I'm thinking of trying it again". (Even thouh i really wasnt) He BEGGED me not to. Said he had nightmares, the shakes, could not sleep, etc...and felt like shit. But he was battling som other problems and quitting nic was just too much for him. You cant save everyone...but this is what happens when you glorify that "just one"
I've had 5 gum grafts (maybe more? I have honestly lost count).. they are painful as hell... they never put me to sleep when I get them.. they lay your ass back in a dentists chair under a bright ass light.. you have to keep your mouth wide open for an eternity.. after a while your jaws cramp so damn bad you have to take breaks.. they will give you a lot of numbing agent at first in the roof of your mouth and in your gums on both sides (inside outside of your gums) because the stitches go all the way through your gums.. the first few shots are really the only ones that actually hurt, because after that it is numb.. There are several bad parts of this procedure.. my least favorite is when they cut the hunk of skin out of the roof of your mouth.. they pretty much have you blind folded and your numb as hell.. still you can tell because the dr says "open wide".. the scalpel goes into the roof of your mouth and you immediately taste blood.. because it runs into the back of your throat.. (this is one good thing about being a dipper.. we have an auto shut off back there and we can block from swallowing!) after the dr. makes the first few slices there.. eventually they have to saw the hunk of skin off THIS IS THE PART I HATE.. your head moves with the sawing action! by this time they have already completely pulled scraped what is left of your gums in the bottom away from your teeth as to put the newly cut piece from the roof of your mouth.. this next part irks the shit out of me.. my dr always lays the hunk of skin from the roof of my mouth on my shoulder until she is ready to put it into place.. then.. finally when she is ready.. the hunk of meat from the roof of my mouth.. it is tightly packed between my old gum (whats left of it) my teeth.. then it is stitched into place.. with a rather large needle that goes all the way through your teeth and gums and back around to neatly sew the new hunk of gum into place.. the entire time this is happening the assistant is sucking blood from your mouth and throat with a large tube.. under the blindfold you can see massive amounts of blood going through the tube.. once were done.. a piece of plastic called a stint is placed in the roof of your mouth, to keep you from bleeding.. for the next week or so it is very soft food and eating on one side of your mouth.. very slowly and carefully not to rip anything away from the gum or hit the roof of your mouth.. you are incredibly swollen and sore for a few days..often during the 1st few nights you bleed from the roof of your mouth while sleeping and gag on bloodÂ… now just imagine being so addicted that within hours of leaving this surgeryÂ… you want to dip so badly that you put a dip into your top lip just to get your nic fix.. you have to do it just right.. any sucking action and you will unclot the roof of your mouth and bleed out like a stuck hog.. Never has a gum graft surgery ever stopped me from dipping.. only when I got tired of all the shit did I stop.. when I got tired of being a fucking slave and paying big money to be the slave. Today even though its only been 12 days.. I still want to dip a few times a day.. but you know what.. I donÂ’t have to! Gone are the days when I have a surgery and I cannot even make it through the rest of the day and I have to pack that shit into my top lip to get the fix.. tell me I am not an addict! I am totally an addict.. if you are here.. guess what?? You probably are too. Today I am so thankful.. I do not have to dip! The nic bitch has lost her fucking power today boys.. I respect the shit out of her because I know what she can do to me.. but today I say no thanks.. actually I say Fuck You and all the pain that comes with you.. I am free today! Thanks fellas! Gooch
QUOTE (mikegooch @ Aug 23, 2012, 6:29 pm) OK fellas here goes.. I really appreciate all the texts calls.. seriously I have been as far south KY as I can go without being in TN with little phone service.. the reason I did not post this morning was I intended to use Nic in some form today and I did.. I respect you all and the site too much so I will spare you the details.. but it started with nic gum and that only worked for a while today.. I will say this I have not gone full honey badger, but still I have truly caved today...I promise I do not have anything in my mouth as I write this, I do respect you guys more than that. I lost the desire to quit days ago.. and struggled to post everyday for the past week... I knew once I posted I would not use..thats why i didnt post today.. I am sorry guys.. I don't and will not go into grave detail.. I have had a lot of addiction in my life.. Tobacco is the last one.. In the last few days I have honestly struggled with the thoughts of doing other things as well.. and I have posted several times.. if i thought really thought I was going to drink again I would use nic..I truthfully caved days ago in my mind, it just took until today to catch up.. I know the hell that is about to follow this when it hits the thread! Go ahead guys let me have it.. no matter what some of you will think or say.. I am not a failure or a sack of shit or any of the other things that I know is about to follow..and no matter what you guys say I will not believe I am a failure.. I have accomplished much in my life and over came a hell of a lot of addiction! Since quitting dip over 2 month ago.. I am pre-diabetic (all the sugar and candy I have eaten I guess?). I'm 10lbs over weight, even while working out! I have dipped more coffee than I can even say.. my gall bladder is in knots.. I still can't sleep.. and still struggle to focus.. It's no excuse but I have so much work to do and a lot of people are depending on me to get things done.. I have to be me again? I know I will want to quit again.. maybe 2 days.. maybe 2 weeks? maybe 2 months? Will I come back here? Don't know after the terrific beating you guys are about to give me.. In the recovery circles I come from we truly don't kick somebody when they are down.. And if I am truly honest I am not down, so kick away. I actually feel normal again.. The one thing i will do and be is honest.. I respect you guys more than you know.. I really thought I was tough! that's a joke! you guys that keep doing this.. you are tough.. hats off to you all.. Diesel.. Tinman.. Wastepanel..Raider.. Pave.. swede..hell Gordy even wrote my PM today.. WT you are without a doubt one bag ass quitter... Thanks boys... sorry if you feel that I let you all down.. I really hope you all can do it better than me! Signing Off - Gooch
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I was close to this guy and was shocked when he caved. Read his entire thread if you can. Here is a post of the torture he went through with gum grafts, then his farewell post.
I texted him the next day after his cave and asked "was it worth it, I'm thinking of trying it again". (Even thouh i really wasnt) He BEGGED me not to. Said he had nightmares, the shakes, could not sleep, etc...and felt like shit. But he was battling som other problems and quitting nic was just too much for him. You cant save everyone...but this is what happens when you glorify that "just one"
I've had 5 gum grafts (maybe more? I have honestly lost count).. they are painful as hell... they never put me to sleep when I get them.. they lay your ass back in a dentists chair under a bright ass light.. you have to keep your mouth wide open for an eternity.. after a while your jaws cramp so damn bad you have to take breaks.. they will give you a lot of numbing agent at first in the roof of your mouth and in your gums on both sides (inside outside of your gums) because the stitches go all the way through your gums.. the first few shots are really the only ones that actually hurt, because after that it is numb.. There are several bad parts of this procedure.. my least favorite is when they cut the hunk of skin out of the roof of your mouth.. they pretty much have you blind folded and your numb as hell.. still you can tell because the dr says "open wide".. the scalpel goes into the roof of your mouth and you immediately taste blood.. because it runs into the back of your throat.. (this is one good thing about being a dipper.. we have an auto shut off back there and we can block from swallowing!) after the dr. makes the first few slices there.. eventually they have to saw the hunk of skin off THIS IS THE PART I HATE.. your head moves with the sawing action! by this time they have already completely pulled scraped what is left of your gums in the bottom away from your teeth as to put the newly cut piece from the roof of your mouth.. this next part irks the shit out of me.. my dr always lays the hunk of skin from the roof of my mouth on my shoulder until she is ready to put it into place.. then.. finally when she is ready.. the hunk of meat from the roof of my mouth.. it is tightly packed between my old gum (whats left of it) my teeth.. then it is stitched into place.. with a rather large needle that goes all the way through your teeth and gums and back around to neatly sew the new hunk of gum into place.. the entire time this is happening the assistant is sucking blood from your mouth and throat with a large tube.. under the blindfold you can see massive amounts of blood going through the tube.. once were done.. a piece of plastic called a stint is placed in the roof of your mouth, to keep you from bleeding.. for the next week or so it is very soft food and eating on one side of your mouth.. very slowly and carefully not to rip anything away from the gum or hit the roof of your mouth.. you are incredibly swollen and sore for a few days..often during the 1st few nights you bleed from the roof of your mouth while sleeping and gag on bloodÂ… now just imagine being so addicted that within hours of leaving this surgeryÂ… you want to dip so badly that you put a dip into your top lip just to get your nic fix.. you have to do it just right.. any sucking action and you will unclot the roof of your mouth and bleed out like a stuck hog.. Never has a gum graft surgery ever stopped me from dipping.. only when I got tired of all the shit did I stop.. when I got tired of being a fucking slave and paying big money to be the slave. Today even though its only been 12 days.. I still want to dip a few times a day.. but you know what.. I donÂ’t have to! Gone are the days when I have a surgery and I cannot even make it through the rest of the day and I have to pack that shit into my top lip to get the fix.. tell me I am not an addict! I am totally an addict.. if you are here.. guess what?? You probably are too. Today I am so thankful.. I do not have to dip! The nic bitch has lost her fucking power today boys.. I respect the shit out of her because I know what she can do to me.. but today I say no thanks.. actually I say Fuck You and all the pain that comes with you.. I am free today! Thanks fellas! Gooch
QUOTE (mikegooch @ Aug 23, 2012, 6:29 pm) OK fellas here goes.. I really appreciate all the texts calls.. seriously I have been as far south KY as I can go without being in TN with little phone service.. the reason I did not post this morning was I intended to use Nic in some form today and I did.. I respect you all and the site too much so I will spare you the details.. but it started with nic gum and that only worked for a while today.. I will say this I have not gone full honey badger, but still I have truly caved today...I promise I do not have anything in my mouth as I write this, I do respect you guys more than that. I lost the desire to quit days ago.. and struggled to post everyday for the past week... I knew once I posted I would not use..thats why i didnt post today.. I am sorry guys.. I don't and will not go into grave detail.. I have had a lot of addiction in my life.. Tobacco is the last one.. In the last few days I have honestly struggled with the thoughts of doing other things as well.. and I have posted several times.. if i thought really thought I was going to drink again I would use nic..I truthfully caved days ago in my mind, it just took until today to catch up.. I know the hell that is about to follow this when it hits the thread! Go ahead guys let me have it.. no matter what some of you will think or say.. I am not a failure or a sack of shit or any of the other things that I know is about to follow..and no matter what you guys say I will not believe I am a failure.. I have accomplished much in my life and over came a hell of a lot of addiction! Since quitting dip over 2 month ago.. I am pre-diabetic (all the sugar and candy I have eaten I guess?). I'm 10lbs over weight, even while working out! I have dipped more coffee than I can even say.. my gall bladder is in knots.. I still can't sleep.. and still struggle to focus.. It's no excuse but I have so much work to do and a lot of people are depending on me to get things done.. I have to be me again? I know I will want to quit again.. maybe 2 days.. maybe 2 weeks? maybe 2 months? Will I come back here? Don't know after the terrific beating you guys are about to give me.. In the recovery circles I come from we truly don't kick somebody when they are down.. And if I am truly honest I am not down, so kick away. I actually feel normal again.. The one thing i will do and be is honest.. I respect you guys more than you know.. I really thought I was tough! that's a joke! you guys that keep doing this.. you are tough.. hats off to you all.. Diesel.. Tinman.. Wastepanel..Raider.. Pave.. swede..hell Gordy even wrote my PM today.. WT you are without a doubt one bag ass quitter... Thanks boys... sorry if you feel that I let you all down.. I really hope you all can do it better than me! Signing Off - Gooch
fuuuuuck all that shit. I've had other substance abuse problems. Nicotine is the worst of them all.
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I was close to this guy and was shocked when he caved. Read his entire thread if you can. Here is a post of the torture he went through with gum grafts, then his farewell post.
I texted him the next day after his cave and asked "was it worth it, I'm thinking of trying it again". (Even thouh i really wasnt) He BEGGED me not to. Said he had nightmares, the shakes, could not sleep, etc...and felt like shit. But he was battling som other problems and quitting nic was just too much for him. You cant save everyone...but this is what happens when you glorify that "just one"
I've had 5 gum grafts (maybe more? I have honestly lost count).. they are painful as hell... they never put me to sleep when I get them.. they lay your ass back in a dentists chair under a bright ass light.. you have to keep your mouth wide open for an eternity.. after a while your jaws cramp so damn bad you have to take breaks.. they will give you a lot of numbing agent at first in the roof of your mouth and in your gums on both sides (inside outside of your gums) because the stitches go all the way through your gums.. the first few shots are really the only ones that actually hurt, because after that it is numb.. There are several bad parts of this procedure.. my least favorite is when they cut the hunk of skin out of the roof of your mouth.. they pretty much have you blind folded and your numb as hell.. still you can tell because the dr says "open wide".. the scalpel goes into the roof of your mouth and you immediately taste blood.. because it runs into the back of your throat.. (this is one good thing about being a dipper.. we have an auto shut off back there and we can block from swallowing!) after the dr. makes the first few slices there.. eventually they have to saw the hunk of skin off THIS IS THE PART I HATE.. your head moves with the sawing action! by this time they have already completely pulled scraped what is left of your gums in the bottom away from your teeth as to put the newly cut piece from the roof of your mouth.. this next part irks the shit out of me.. my dr always lays the hunk of skin from the roof of my mouth on my shoulder until she is ready to put it into place.. then.. finally when she is ready.. the hunk of meat from the roof of my mouth.. it is tightly packed between my old gum (whats left of it) my teeth.. then it is stitched into place.. with a rather large needle that goes all the way through your teeth and gums and back around to neatly sew the new hunk of gum into place.. the entire time this is happening the assistant is sucking blood from your mouth and throat with a large tube.. under the blindfold you can see massive amounts of blood going through the tube.. once were done.. a piece of plastic called a stint is placed in the roof of your mouth, to keep you from bleeding.. for the next week or so it is very soft food and eating on one side of your mouth.. very slowly and carefully not to rip anything away from the gum or hit the roof of your mouth.. you are incredibly swollen and sore for a few days..often during the 1st few nights you bleed from the roof of your mouth while sleeping and gag on bloodÂ… now just imagine being so addicted that within hours of leaving this surgeryÂ… you want to dip so badly that you put a dip into your top lip just to get your nic fix.. you have to do it just right.. any sucking action and you will unclot the roof of your mouth and bleed out like a stuck hog.. Never has a gum graft surgery ever stopped me from dipping.. only when I got tired of all the shit did I stop.. when I got tired of being a fucking slave and paying big money to be the slave. Today even though its only been 12 days.. I still want to dip a few times a day.. but you know what.. I donÂ’t have to! Gone are the days when I have a surgery and I cannot even make it through the rest of the day and I have to pack that shit into my top lip to get the fix.. tell me I am not an addict! I am totally an addict.. if you are here.. guess what?? You probably are too. Today I am so thankful.. I do not have to dip! The nic bitch has lost her fucking power today boys.. I respect the shit out of her because I know what she can do to me.. but today I say no thanks.. actually I say Fuck You and all the pain that comes with you.. I am free today! Thanks fellas! Gooch
QUOTE (mikegooch @ Aug 23, 2012, 6:29 pm) OK fellas here goes.. I really appreciate all the texts calls.. seriously I have been as far south KY as I can go without being in TN with little phone service.. the reason I did not post this morning was I intended to use Nic in some form today and I did.. I respect you all and the site too much so I will spare you the details.. but it started with nic gum and that only worked for a while today.. I will say this I have not gone full honey badger, but still I have truly caved today...I promise I do not have anything in my mouth as I write this, I do respect you guys more than that. I lost the desire to quit days ago.. and struggled to post everyday for the past week... I knew once I posted I would not use..thats why i didnt post today.. I am sorry guys.. I don't and will not go into grave detail.. I have had a lot of addiction in my life.. Tobacco is the last one.. In the last few days I have honestly struggled with the thoughts of doing other things as well.. and I have posted several times.. if i thought really thought I was going to drink again I would use nic..I truthfully caved days ago in my mind, it just took until today to catch up.. I know the hell that is about to follow this when it hits the thread! Go ahead guys let me have it.. no matter what some of you will think or say.. I am not a failure or a sack of shit or any of the other things that I know is about to follow..and no matter what you guys say I will not believe I am a failure.. I have accomplished much in my life and over came a hell of a lot of addiction! Since quitting dip over 2 month ago.. I am pre-diabetic (all the sugar and candy I have eaten I guess?). I'm 10lbs over weight, even while working out! I have dipped more coffee than I can even say.. my gall bladder is in knots.. I still can't sleep.. and still struggle to focus.. It's no excuse but I have so much work to do and a lot of people are depending on me to get things done.. I have to be me again? I know I will want to quit again.. maybe 2 days.. maybe 2 weeks? maybe 2 months? Will I come back here? Don't know after the terrific beating you guys are about to give me.. In the recovery circles I come from we truly don't kick somebody when they are down.. And if I am truly honest I am not down, so kick away. I actually feel normal again.. The one thing i will do and be is honest.. I respect you guys more than you know.. I really thought I was tough! that's a joke! you guys that keep doing this.. you are tough.. hats off to you all.. Diesel.. Tinman.. Wastepanel..Raider.. Pave.. swede..hell Gordy even wrote my PM today.. WT you are without a doubt one bag ass quitter... Thanks boys... sorry if you feel that I let you all down.. I really hope you all can do it better than me! Signing Off - Gooch
I'm gonna add a selfish pricks thoughts on this post Diesel has bumped up here from Gooch! Sure we have got to quit for ourselves but, I can tell you I had invested a lot of care into Gooch and his quit, I cared. I talked to him several times the day he caved, I never gave him permission to cave and neither did anyone else. There was a shit storm brought down on him but he wasn't here to read it. He was too embarrassed to face us. If I remember right he was about 60 days quit and had been very active. Now for the selfish part; his cave hurt me and I think many others too because it made us realize we are all addicts. Some sages vets came out at the time and boldly said it could never happen to them. I called bullshit on them, that we are all in danger no matter how long we've been quit. Well they were right, (I love the taste of crow) as long as you post roll and keep your word you won't cave! The day Gooch caved he wouldn't post roll no matter how hard I tried to convince him to do it. He had already decided to cave.
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I was close to this guy and was shocked when he caved. Read his entire thread if you can. Here is a post of the torture he went through with gum grafts, then his farewell post.
I texted him the next day after his cave and asked "was it worth it, I'm thinking of trying it again". (Even thouh i really wasnt) He BEGGED me not to. Said he had nightmares, the shakes, could not sleep, etc...and felt like shit. But he was battling som other problems and quitting nic was just too much for him. You cant save everyone...but this is what happens when you glorify that "just one"
I've had 5 gum grafts (maybe more? I have honestly lost count).. they are painful as hell... they never put me to sleep when I get them.. they lay your ass back in a dentists chair under a bright ass light.. you have to keep your mouth wide open for an eternity.. after a while your jaws cramp so damn bad you have to take breaks.. they will give you a lot of numbing agent at first in the roof of your mouth and in your gums on both sides (inside outside of your gums) because the stitches go all the way through your gums.. the first few shots are really the only ones that actually hurt, because after that it is numb.. There are several bad parts of this procedure.. my least favorite is when they cut the hunk of skin out of the roof of your mouth.. they pretty much have you blind folded and your numb as hell.. still you can tell because the dr says "open wide".. the scalpel goes into the roof of your mouth and you immediately taste blood.. because it runs into the back of your throat.. (this is one good thing about being a dipper.. we have an auto shut off back there and we can block from swallowing!) after the dr. makes the first few slices there.. eventually they have to saw the hunk of skin off THIS IS THE PART I HATE.. your head moves with the sawing action! by this time they have already completely pulled scraped what is left of your gums in the bottom away from your teeth as to put the newly cut piece from the roof of your mouth.. this next part irks the shit out of me.. my dr always lays the hunk of skin from the roof of my mouth on my shoulder until she is ready to put it into place.. then.. finally when she is ready.. the hunk of meat from the roof of my mouth.. it is tightly packed between my old gum (whats left of it) my teeth.. then it is stitched into place.. with a rather large needle that goes all the way through your teeth and gums and back around to neatly sew the new hunk of gum into place.. the entire time this is happening the assistant is sucking blood from your mouth and throat with a large tube.. under the blindfold you can see massive amounts of blood going through the tube.. once were done.. a piece of plastic called a stint is placed in the roof of your mouth, to keep you from bleeding.. for the next week or so it is very soft food and eating on one side of your mouth.. very slowly and carefully not to rip anything away from the gum or hit the roof of your mouth.. you are incredibly swollen and sore for a few days..often during the 1st few nights you bleed from the roof of your mouth while sleeping and gag on bloodÂ… now just imagine being so addicted that within hours of leaving this surgeryÂ… you want to dip so badly that you put a dip into your top lip just to get your nic fix.. you have to do it just right.. any sucking action and you will unclot the roof of your mouth and bleed out like a stuck hog.. Never has a gum graft surgery ever stopped me from dipping.. only when I got tired of all the shit did I stop.. when I got tired of being a fucking slave and paying big money to be the slave. Today even though its only been 12 days.. I still want to dip a few times a day.. but you know what.. I donÂ’t have to! Gone are the days when I have a surgery and I cannot even make it through the rest of the day and I have to pack that shit into my top lip to get the fix.. tell me I am not an addict! I am totally an addict.. if you are here.. guess what?? You probably are too. Today I am so thankful.. I do not have to dip! The nic bitch has lost her fucking power today boys.. I respect the shit out of her because I know what she can do to me.. but today I say no thanks.. actually I say Fuck You and all the pain that comes with you.. I am free today! Thanks fellas! Gooch
QUOTE (mikegooch @ Aug 23, 2012, 6:29 pm) OK fellas here goes.. I really appreciate all the texts calls.. seriously I have been as far south KY as I can go without being in TN with little phone service.. the reason I did not post this morning was I intended to use Nic in some form today and I did.. I respect you all and the site too much so I will spare you the details.. but it started with nic gum and that only worked for a while today.. I will say this I have not gone full honey badger, but still I have truly caved today...I promise I do not have anything in my mouth as I write this, I do respect you guys more than that. I lost the desire to quit days ago.. and struggled to post everyday for the past week... I knew once I posted I would not use..thats why i didnt post today.. I am sorry guys.. I don't and will not go into grave detail.. I have had a lot of addiction in my life.. Tobacco is the last one.. In the last few days I have honestly struggled with the thoughts of doing other things as well.. and I have posted several times.. if i thought really thought I was going to drink again I would use nic..I truthfully caved days ago in my mind, it just took until today to catch up.. I know the hell that is about to follow this when it hits the thread! Go ahead guys let me have it.. no matter what some of you will think or say.. I am not a failure or a sack of shit or any of the other things that I know is about to follow..and no matter what you guys say I will not believe I am a failure.. I have accomplished much in my life and over came a hell of a lot of addiction! Since quitting dip over 2 month ago.. I am pre-diabetic (all the sugar and candy I have eaten I guess?). I'm 10lbs over weight, even while working out! I have dipped more coffee than I can even say.. my gall bladder is in knots.. I still can't sleep.. and still struggle to focus.. It's no excuse but I have so much work to do and a lot of people are depending on me to get things done.. I have to be me again? I know I will want to quit again.. maybe 2 days.. maybe 2 weeks? maybe 2 months? Will I come back here? Don't know after the terrific beating you guys are about to give me.. In the recovery circles I come from we truly don't kick somebody when they are down.. And if I am truly honest I am not down, so kick away. I actually feel normal again.. The one thing i will do and be is honest.. I respect you guys more than you know.. I really thought I was tough! that's a joke! you guys that keep doing this.. you are tough.. hats off to you all.. Diesel.. Tinman.. Wastepanel..Raider.. Pave.. swede..hell Gordy even wrote my PM today.. WT you are without a doubt one bag ass quitter... Thanks boys... sorry if you feel that I let you all down.. I really hope you all can do it better than me! Signing Off - Gooch
I'm gonna add a selfish pricks thoughts on this post Diesel has bumped up here from Gooch! Sure we have got to quit for ourselves but, I can tell you I had invested a lot of care into Gooch and his quit, I cared. I talked to him several times the day he caved, I never gave him permission to cave and neither did anyone else. There was a shit storm brought down on him but he wasn't here to read it. He was too embarrassed to face us. If I remember right he was about 60 days quit and had been very active. Now for the selfish part; his cave hurt me and I think many others too because it made us realize we are all addicts. Some sages vets came out at the time and boldly said it could never happen to them. I called bullshit on them, that we are all in danger no matter how long we've been quit. Well they were right, (I love the taste of crow) as long as you post roll and keep your word you won't cave! The day Gooch caved he wouldn't post roll no matter how hard I tried to convince him to do it. He had already decided to cave.
Great insight WT. I bring all this up for Waketch. I didn't believe he would cave but just want to blow the idea of just one out of his brain.
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Thanks for caring about poor little me. I am not going to cave and didn't mean to act like a little bitch. I am QUIT and Nicotine is not an option anymore. I just hate these thoughts that enter my head every now and then. I also would never want to scare or impact someones quit negatively. Here is the only way I can explain it:
I was a prisoner once being held in a old dirty prison. Sometimes people in this prison were butt raped or killed. I decided I didn't want to be in this prison anymore. I didn't know how to escape as it was surrounded by water. I meet other prisoners that were also ready to get out as well. We had all heard stories of others, before us, that had escaped and had paved the way out. I was scared, the water was cold and I knew it was going to be tough. I took to the water to make it to the land of perfect freedom trusting what others had told me.
At first the going was tough and didn't know if I was going to make it. Things became easier, I just survived day by day and didn't think about how far I still had to go. I reached the point of no return somewhere in my journey. Being on the water is better than my best day in prison. There are good days and cold windy days. Sometimes I find myself just floating with the current, not swimming and forgetting where I am going, or where I have come from....this is when I need some help.
Am I ever going to go back? Hell no the water is great!
Is there perfect freedom? No I am an escapee and an addict.
Have I reach my destination? No-I will worry about that tomorrow.
Waketech
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Waketech, day 300! September 11 2012 you took your life back. Today you are marking another significant milestone.
This week I will hit 200. You sent me the first pm I received on this site. You challenged me and told me that you would be there, but not if I was weak. Without your support and firm guidance in those early days - I am not sure I would have made it to day 20. Much less day 200.
So, today I am raising a glass of a very worthy scotch in your honor. Because if you, and others like you, hadn't quit before me - I wouldn't be where I am either. Ill never catch up to you, but I'll be about 104 days behind on your heels trying to catch up!
Thank you and congratulations!
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Congratulations on hitting a year today!
To celebrate, you should only hand out warning tickets to speeders this week. Just sayin.
Thanks for leading the way for me and others in this site. Your guidance and support are what this site is all about. Enjoy another huge milestone today!
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Congratulations on hitting a year today!
To celebrate, you should only hand out warning tickets to speeders this week. Just sayin.
Thanks for leading the way for me and others in this site. Your guidance and support are what this site is all about. Enjoy another huge milestone today!
Grats on the one year mark Waketech!
You may not know me but I wanted to post here to illustrate one of the great things about KTC.
I am 57 Days quit today and one of my main supports early on was worktowin, who you supported early in his quit. I just think that's cool how we pass it on.
Proud to be quit with you today!
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Congrats on hitting the 1 year mark!!
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I love this original post and reference it all the time. Serious.
Great work, Wake. Proud to be quit with you!
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Well done Wake, keep up the great work.
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That year is good. I still look forward to meeting up with you someday when I'm driving through. I quit with you today.
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Early on in my quit I remember the feeling of accomplishment and euphoria as I realized that I would never use nicotine again. This was followed by anger and hatred for what I had done to my family and myself. Last night as I tucked my two girls into bed i was just glad.
Thank you...
Waketech 457
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Early on in my quit I remember the feeling of accomplishment and euphoria as I realized that I would never use nicotine again. This was followed by anger and hatred for what I had done to my family and myself. Last night as I tucked my two girls into bed i was just glad.
Thank you...
Waketech 457
That's beautiful, my man.
Yes. I subscribe to this thread...
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Early on in my quit I remember the feeling of accomplishment and euphoria as I realized that I would never use nicotine again. This was followed by anger and hatred for what I had done to my family and myself. Last night as I tucked my two girls into bed i was just glad.
Thank you...
Waketech 457
That's beautiful, my man.
Yes. I subscribe to this thread...
'clap' 'clap'
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Haven't seen you in a while, my man. Hoping you get this.