KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: SuperDave9000 on April 23, 2018, 09:56:00 AM
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Daay 1 -
A friend of mine has talked to me about this forum a few times over the past year. He invited me to jump on the July quit group. I said ok and then spent the next 4 days making plausible explanations why it just wasn't the right time. I felt stupid telling a fellow quitter these lame excuses so the next time he prompted me to get on with it I decided to man up and move through the process.
This is my first time on any kind of forum. I don't like people to sugar coat or be fake so do not be polite to me.
I have 3 kids and I'm too old for this shit. I've gotten clean before but I can't stay quit alone.
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Welcome.
The formula is simple - post your promise, keep your promise. Reach out when you need help. You already have a friend to reach out to, but I'd recommend grabbing some more digits to build up your wall of accountability. My digits are a PM away.
Quitting and staying quit is about the hardest thing you will ever do. But it's also one of the most important things you will ever do. The freedom of finally being quit is worth the price you will pay. All of us here will attest to that.
The key to staying quit, as silly as his may sound, is sticking with the program. That is, keep posting even beyond day 100, day 250, day 500, day 1,000. I'm on day 823, and I posted my promise this morning. Why? It's my insurance that I will not use nicotine today. I've made my promise, and I intend to keep it.
Proud to quit with you.
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When you read my intro, you will see that solo does not work
Here is what my brethren said about me today, my 100th HOF day:
"Speaking of football, our next quitter is a former college football player. Time to head east to Providence, RI, to welcome Doofus to the Hall of Fame!
Doofus, aka Dave, started dipping in high school and then swtiched to smoking later and then ultimately back to dipping before quitting. Dave has been able to stop in the past at times but has always fallen back into using. Dave has learned from his past: "My advice is to not underestimate nicotine....go visit a recovering alcoholic, heroin, cocaine, meth, gambling.....we are all the same, quit and recovering....I should have joined this site long long ago because someone already said it.....you may be able to do it alone but thats not usually how it goes down.....use the team, accept the help....beat this thing down". Dave helps his quit by recognizing his triggers and discussing them, documenting his quit via his intro, and supporting others. Dave is a CPA/Financial Systems Manager, married with 2 daughters, and likes saltwater fishing and football. Great work Dave!"
Sound familiar? Take it from another Dave, the more you learn and listen on KTC the more you will see we all have been on the same gerbil wheel.....it feels good man...when you get off with the confidence knowing you can stay off
I STAND BEFORE YOU AS AN ADDICT. I TRIED IT MY WAY FOR DECADES.
I failed over and over.
But now I am quit. The thoughts of what I've been doing to myself for 30 years, the thoughts and learnings of others tugged on this big guy's heart strings.....these are the things you dont think about going at it solo.....its why KTC way works, investment versus just being a half ass quiting fiend
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I had a friend cajole me into joining this crazy ass site, too. Today he celebrated his 700th day of freedom from nicotine. I logged in day 641.
This place works. Don't question it. Don't ponder it. Don't think there is some better way somewhere. In fact, tell your brain to STFU for a while because it will NOT be your ally in this quitting business for a while.
Read everything you can on this site (the Facts Figures section is gold). Understand the addiction. Understand the enemy. It gets much easier when you know nicotine's tricks. Post roll EDD, make your promise, keep your promise, one day at a time. Get up and do it all over again the next day. I know, I know, it shouldn't work. But it does... if you are a man of honor.
You can do this.
Proud to be quit with you today.
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Day 2 was another long one. Some moments of excitement and looking forward to freedom. Also sweat, muscle pain, increased sensitivity to annoying people...
Everyone on the highway was going 10-15 under the speed limit which is not my perception, it is a true fact and they should be more supportive to what I'm trying to do here...
I get this fear that I'm going to go off the rails and drive into someone or piss off a client or an employee or family member.
I get this idea that it is just not the right time to go through this, I need to be clear headed and calm right now but the best part is when I can be calm and clear AND free of nicotine which can happen any time during the day.
I almost caved already tonight when I had to drive back to work to cover the overnight. I went and got gas this afternoon before dinner so I wouldn't be stopping because I knew how strong the relapse committee would be at this point. The vote was 9 to 1 against staying quit but I knew that one dude was going to text me tomorrow again and by the time I had to think about blocking his number I was past the 7-11 and on my way. I was thinking, I said I wouldn't dip this 24 hours so I won't. Who cares about tomorrow.
Anyway, I will be back in the morning and we'll do another 24
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Day 2 was another long one. Some moments of excitement and looking forward to freedom. Also sweat, muscle pain, increased sensitivity to annoying people...
Everyone on the highway was going 10-15 under the speed limit which is not my perception, it is a true fact and they should be more supportive to what I'm trying to do here...
I get this fear that I'm going to go off the rails and drive into someone or piss off a client or an employee or family member.
I get this idea that it is just not the right time to go through this, I need to be clear headed and calm right now but the best part is when I can be calm and clear AND free of nicotine which can happen any time during the day.
I almost caved already tonight when I had to drive back to work to cover the overnight. I went and got gas this afternoon before dinner so I wouldn't be stopping because I knew how strong the relapse committee would be at this point. The vote was 9 to 1 against staying quit but I knew that one dude was going to text me tomorrow again and by the time I had to think about blocking his number I was past the 7-11 and on my way. I was thinking, I said I wouldn't dip this 24 hours so I won't. Who cares about tomorrow.
Anyway, I will be back in the morning and we'll do another 24
That one guy.....you need to get more of his friends around you....those types are the guys that get you out of the danger zones past these more intense physical craves....check your PM
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You've got my number. Call me anytime you need to, any time you're craving, any time you need somebody to talk you through a C-store trip. I didn't give you that number so we can feel good about our day counts although I'll still text you daily. That's a lifeline. You should have mine and a few others by now. USE THEM! When you get to that almost caved thing, you should have already reached out. Just call me. Don't text, texts aren't fast enough. Call...and we'll talk it out.
I quit with you today. One day at a time, we can both do this!
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Day 3 - Much much less fog, less road rage, less anger, got some work done. I took it real easy today overall. I went to a barber with the money I have saved so far and got a beard cut.
Looking back, I had dipped for about 12 years and smoked regularly for 12 years before that. I often used the NRT to 'get through' whatever time I couldn't smoke or dip. Weekend days when I used to drink I would generally chew that horrible gum shit, also sneak dip, and then smoke all night. I tried vaping but it was like crack to me and I couldn't leave it alone, I would suck on that thing constantly and I had to throw it away. There isn't enough nicotine to make me ok and so it is a big relief to be ok without any.
I do not want to forget the pain of the past two days. Monday I was shaking and my heart was beating out of my chest. Tuesday I had cramps in all muscles, super fog and headache. Today I felt a little depressed and physically fine. I felt like something was missing or like I'm always waiting around for the next waiting around. I've been driving 3-4 hours a day also and usually that would have been the worst 'trigger' but I'm not even worried about triggers right now since it was constant constant nicotine.
I put my name on the roll this morning and I will go on and do that again tomorrow and see what day 4 has to offer
God bless you if you read this rambling. I hope you stay quit
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SuperDave000
Welcome to the group. Here are some words of wisdom I like to share:
The main way to be successful is to just decide that you have quit. Once you stop the negotiating in your head as to whether you will do one more or not the rest becomes far more simple.
Next, you will learn to distract your attention from your desire for a dip to anything else that interests you. This ability to change your focus will guarantee your success and make your quit that much easier.
When you place a dip in your mouth, your brain releases sugars. Well, those sugars are now going to be gone.
However, you can replace them with OJ or other fruit juices with sugar. This will provide some comfort, especially on your initial quit days.
Make sure to exercise with weights and cardio when you feel that nagging tension in your muscles, you feel that rage, when you can not sleep and when you cannot focus. Exercise really helps.
Here is one that most people overlook. Get at least 3 square meals a day. Hunger can really bring on those urges so squash those urges before they come. Eat full healthy meals and do not let yourself get excessively hungry. You will see this helps a great deal.
I waited until I was 59 quit after using tobacco for 40 years. You are wise to quit now.
I quit with you today.
Dundippin day 955
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I won't be polite to you if you miss roll - otherwise welcome. Day 4 sucked for me, bear down because VERY SOON pure joy will hit you hard. It was like Day 6 or so for me, totally worth it!
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I had not driven my car since last week before I quit. I had bought a new company van last Tuesday and I had to wait to get a ride back to my car today.
I open the driver door and think I need to check the console, might still be a nrt gum in there and at least a couple empty cans. I find one piece of the shitty gum and two empty cans. I want to open the cans and inside of one is a pouch. Just one little pouch, I'm about to drive 45 minutes, no one need know. I look around the parking lot for a trash can but there is none. Now I go to 7-11. I will get gas, throw this shit out and drive away a free man. I pay at the pump because I might go on auto pilot. I throw the shit out. I take out my phone. I get ready to write this post to brag about my little victory. I imagine many of you will read this and be inspired by my courage /s. Actually it was really stupid and I should not have put myself in that position. But I don't care. I don't care what you think of me. I would not have made it through that moment without you and that is very clear to me. I am grateful to you for being here and I will go to bed free and I'll be on the roll tomorrow. Peace
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SuperDave - enjoyed reading your intro. Brings back less than fond memories. The stories from the early quitters (like yours) provide reinforcement to the vets.
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SuperDave - enjoyed reading your intro. Brings back less than fond memories. The stories from the early quitters (like yours) provide reinforcement to the vets.
I agree ^^^^^^^
Appreciate you sharing.
I quit with you today.
ODAAT....
Rawls 1257
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SuperDave - enjoyed reading your intro. Brings back less than fond memories. The stories from the early quitters (like yours) provide reinforcement to the vets.
I agree ^^^^^^^
Appreciate you sharing.
I quit with you today.
ODAAT....
Rawls 1257
Yeah, bringing back bad memories. But we made it through and so can you. Keep crushing it, Dave!
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SuperDave - enjoyed reading your intro. Brings back less than fond memories. The stories from the early quitters (like yours) provide reinforcement to the vets.
I agree ^^^^^^^
Appreciate you sharing.
I quit with you today.
ODAAT....
Rawls 1257
Yeah, bringing back bad memories. But we made it through and so can you. Keep crushing it, Dave!
Day 5 - damn good day.
At some point today I read somewhere on here that a crave takes 4 minutes. Somewhere else I read that after 3-4 days the nicotine is out of the system. The upside is that I don't ever have to put that shit back into my system again and the chemicals I get from my own brain in a craving will always go away on their own without any nicotine. My addicted brain will tell me that only nicotine will make the cravings go away but that is a plain lie.
So really I only need three things,
1) I can never put nicotine into my system in any form including second-hand, on vacation, poker night, etc
2) Every craving will pass just as fast or faster without nicotine even if my life events are stressful. Some things can be done to make it easier including chewing gum, getting exercise, talking to others that know what I am experiencing
3) If I come on here every day and text back and forth with my brothers and sisters on here I have a chance to remember why these things are so important. Simple enough to not put the shit back in my system so why the hell have I never been able to do it?
I will have 5 years sober next Friday, that's not one drink of alcohol, not one toke, pill, line, shot, puff, huff or keister of any kind in 5 years. Now, if you knew me five years ago, you'd know I earned that second "a" in my name, my mom can spell just fine. I did Keto for over a year, no sugar, no starches straight through all the holidays and the only reason I came off it was I was too skinny. Point is, dear reader, that I have quit just about everything you can quit and this nicotine has been the biggest bitch of them all. I am astonished to be free of nicotine at this moment. It is so simple and so difficult. I didn't think this site would help but it does. I need to get off my own introduction page though and start talking to more people. Give me a place to ramble about myself and I will go on. But shit, I have been reading on this site throughout the day and it just really helps pass that four minutes and remember that I am quit which means I have shit to do to make that happen. I'm thinking about starting a book-it program for my intro page so if you read every post I will get you a personal pan pizza coupon each month. Just spitballing but maybe a go fund me could cover something like that.
Anyway, stay quit you dumbass, you're going to die a horrible, expensive, shameful death for literally no reason at all, you've already come this far, don't be a dickhead and fuck yourself over
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PLEASE DON'T STOP BLOGGING YOUR QUIT JOURNEY!
Been following you every step of the way. I love watching the new quitters succeed.
Something about success that's contagious, infectious even.
"...our successes...reverberate into the spheres of those around us.." This is so very true.
You also are a fresh reminder to me of the suck of withdrawal; a stinging rebuke to that voice in my head singing, "see, it's OK. You can have just one..."
A pleasure to quit with you today, Sir!
P.S. digits are in your inbox, would love to be a part of your quit!
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Day 6 - I did not work the overnight so I did not write a reflection on day 6. Morning was great, afternoon was rough and the evening was a disaster. Had an argument with my spouse and when the adrenaline goes off I think of nicotine. I will say that it took the same amount of time to get right in my head with no nicotine and just a couple quick texts to a brother.
She doesn't know I am quitting because I have been sneaking around her for years and she doesn't 'know' I was dipping. So, you may ask, what kind of marriage is that? We are under the same roof with a shared bank account and we can't talk about the most important issue in my life at the moment.
However, I would guess that experienced quitters might advise against drastic life decisions during the first week of quitting. The main thing is I did not cave. I'm not going to fuck myself over for anybody. If I put anything in front of this quit today I will pick back up and I know this. No money, no relationship, no anxiety can be helped by feeding this addiction.
A wise man I know likes to talk about addiction. He says there are two dogs in the fight, which one are you feeding? When I come on here and write this stuff and post roll and text these guys on here that have been texting with me, I am feeding the right dog. So far I've had some kind of serious impulse to relapse every day so I better not cut any corners.
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My best buddy who still dips but is recovering from every other drug known to mankind plus gambling was good about keeping his tin and cat turd out of my sight when we opened fishing season on Friday night.
He's actually the perfect partner.....A Recovering addict himself.
I ve known him 35 years of my 46...He only got one vice left- skoal lc mint...we dipped the same flavor together...We used to call him "the 5 tool player".....Coke, weed, pills, booze, nicotine......and gambling....shoulda been 6 but he kept gambling hidden for decades...and aside from the gambling I was standing right next to him for most of those years except I wasnt doing the drugs...drinking, yes, weed, yes but I never was into that other stuff....alcohol can cause me problems but it's more about bad decisions now that nic is gone.
He knows nic gotta go.....he is familiar with our process....he sees me doing this and knows he is next.
I am learning by talking to others....amazing how similar all the stories are
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I feel like I took it a little easy last week, maybe didn't get as much work done as I could have, however, I have to remind myself that I felt the same way two weeks ago. My addiction tells me that I will be more focused and productive with nicotine. Also it tells me I will finally join the gym, clean the garage and get back to that novel I've been procrastinating. It tells me to stop trying to fix everything at once, lets focus on work, fitness and personal responsibilities with a good head of steam and then worry about the nicotine later. So I would grab another can, give myself that one thing so I could really focus and enjoy being productive. Next thing I know, I have a stack of empty dip cans and I have finished Breaking Bad and I'm on season 2 of Better Call Saul.
One thing I've noticed this past week is that I can dick around and watch TV just as well with or without a dip in. I say all of this because it is Monday and I am sitting here working away on stuff that might have gotten done on Friday in a different universe. Some might say that I was procrastinating even now just writing this post. And they would be right.
I chewed 100 pieces of gum this past week. Trident white peppermint. Last time I was off nicotine I chewed so much gum that I started getting concerned about the ingredients in the gum. Addicts are often very health conscious about anything they aren't addicted to. I am not addicted to sorbitol or acesulfame potassium. I know my brain is looking for nicotine in that gum and I chew it manically. My jaw gets tired and I fall asleep with gum in. My teeth are a lot whiter than they were a week ago.
Alright, get back to work and keep that shit out of your mouth
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2/3 through day 11. Someone called me at 6 or something out of the blue to check in. That was great. I didn't cave. This forum has done wonders for me already and I am grateful for those who have reached out to me. I have now three people I am texting quit days with. It is good to have this perspective and not wanting to cave at all. I knew that the NRT was only making things worse and I spent literally thousands on that shit over the years. I estimate 2500 to 3000 spent on NRT.
One time I was buying a box of NRT gum at target and the girl at the counter asked if it worked and I said "No it does not." and I bought it anyway. See I 'needed' that shit to survive. That's how addiction works. It activates in the survival part of your mind. I don't need nicotine for anything but my brain thinks I need it to survive. How many times have I pawed through every drawer in my house and garage looking for one piece of gum, one little lost cigarette, checking the same drawers over and over knowing there's nothing to find.
Today I found a piece of NRT gum in the cabinet which I had already cleared last week but the sneaky fucker hid out on me. I threw it away without hesitation. You can't be quit with nicotine in your system. Whatever mental gymnastics I go through, as long as I don't take in nicotine, I am still quit and still healing.
This is a separate issue but I have been sober for five years today. I quit drinking after a particularly rough Thursday in 2013. Once I quit drinking, I quit smoking right away. Never could shake the dip though. Today I am clean from everything, thank God and thank you!
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2/3 through day 11. Someone called me at 6 or something out of the blue to check in. That was great.
That was me brother! Was just thinking of you and hoping you were doing OK. I realized hope wasn't enough if I could give you a holler and make sure. Glad I did. Now I got a voice to go with the avatar. Love the quit. Love the sobriety. Glad to know you!
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2/3 through day 11. Someone called me at 6 or something out of the blue to check in. That was great.
That was me brother! Was just thinking of you and hoping you were doing OK. I realized hope wasn't enough if I could give you a holler and make sure. Glad I did. Now I got a voice to go with the avatar. Love the quit. Love the sobriety. Glad to know you!
Thanks man, I appreciate your service and support!!!
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Day 14, Two week reflections:
1) With 14 days the only thing that could make me relapse is plain stupidity. The physical part is over and I have found the resource I needed for the mental part which is you guys.
2) The first week I took it easy in a lot of areas but this week I have had more energy and accomplished much more than I normally do. I decided not to join the gym after all and just burn up my energy on shit that needs to get done. If I ever finish the landscaping, cleanup and etc that I need to get dealt with and I can't find a productive way to burn calories then I will go join the gym. Actually I will probably get a new surfboard and do that instead, I went surfing with my sons today and it was going off. But I digress, more energy at work, home and around the facilities.
3) I feel more plugged in to the community, I've had phone calls and texts with several guys and it has been good. Some people I have reached out to have not hit me back but they can quit their way, I got a good little network going in such a short time.
4) I am an addict/alcoholic so nicotine is a late domino to fall for me at this point. My mind will play all kinds of tricks on me and it is exactly as smart, devious and creative as I am. It has figured out that I am not willing to dip or use NRT so it has started suggesting cigarettes, especially after dark. It even tried hinting about vaping a couple of times. My brain can be a real bastard. Great thing about the mental stuff is that it goes away. Even if I try to focus on the craving, I have no attention span so within 5 minutes I will be thinking about something else, generally something with a pair of legs but really it could be anything
5) I feel a lot of power and freedom that if I can do this, I can accomplish other things. I had to give over to this process when I wasn't 'ready' and really didn't fucking feel like it at the moment. I had a choice to sit in self pity or to experience the withdrawls and cravings at face value and move on. I had a couple headaches, a couple long hours, a couple temper tantrums, a couple rash moments and everyone is still alive. Which makes me want to really tackle some other areas. I want to cut out sugar. It's the same basic process and I know I can do it. For sugar I have 1 day so far and I will say it has not been nearly as bad as a couple weeks ago coming off nicotine.
6) I have enjoyed finding other ways to spend the money I have saved by not buying nicotine. In fact over the two weeks I have spent exactly the amount I would have spent on nicotine in a month at least a couple of times on random stuff, gifts for the kids, clothes, trip to the movies, whatever. I am not an accountant.
Don't be a little bitch, stay quit
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Proud with you today bro
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Don't be a little bitch, stay quit
Something that eloquent should be carved into a plaque and hung over the bar or the barn or made into a riding patch or a bumper sticker.....
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31 days in, a month in anybody's book.
I wasn't ready to quit. It just wasn't the right time for me, I had a lot going on, I was under a lot of pressure, I had money worries, major changes going on with my schedule, opening my business, less time with my kids, serious marriage problems, a dog that I just don't really care for, I mean he's alright and I know I'm supposed to love my dog but he's just not all that. So it just wasn't the right time. I might lose my temper or make critical mistakes with my business or forget things in a fog and create all kinds of problems. I might snap at my kids or make things worse at home or break something expensive. I might lose sleep at a critical moment when I need to get the sleep just to manage everything. I might burn out before I even get started. I might gain a bunch of weight so I can't even enjoy my divorce. I might start drinking again or set a specific building on fire that I've been thinking about probly should get burned down.
This disease gets all the way in my head and runs wild with my thoughts. If you are on this forum, every concern I just listed probably seems rational to you and like a real issue. Addiction gets the advantage of being just as smart as I am, just as strong willed as I am, just as stubborn as me because it uses my own brain. I can't out think it, out will it or out last it. I can't fight my brain with my brain. I need you all. I need the good fighting part of your thinking to stand by the good fighting part of my thinking and it is the only chance I've got.
I told my friend I couldn't quit yet because I needed to 'keep a steady hand'. He could have accepted that and gone on with his day. However, a couple days later he called me out and said I had to sign up by monday to get into his quit group. Who cares about some online quit group I've never heard of. Remember all the valid points I just made in the other paragraph. Somehow at that moment I wanted to live up to my word. I wanted to stand and fight with him and with the rest of you. I walked through hell for the first 5 days. I blogged on here daily because it was so bad I had to get all i could to stay on the plain gum wagon. Keep in mind it was the worst possible time for me to quit.
So a month is no big deal, lot of guys with more time around. But I wanted to reflect and let you all know the following facts: I have not ingested nicotine in any form for 30 days and today is my 31sr day. I have posted roll every day and texted with members 5-6 days per week. I did not screw up my new business or snap at my family or break anything expensive. My drywall has no fresh punch holes. I have lost weight due to deliberately choosing to do so. I have had more energy at times and less energy at times and it has been fine. I have had trouble sleeping some nights and slept like a log other nights. I have paid for items at the counter without caving andother times I have paid at the pump to be safe. I have stopped for gas on my way home when I was feeling strong in case I forgot about my quit when I had to leave for work later. I have not set anything on fire. I have not driven anyone off the road.
This has been my pre-pre-hof speech. I am so grateful to this group and for finding the right community to bring the heat and hold these addicts to their word. It's never the right time so stop.listening to your brain, it's trying to kill you, get on this deal and get the support you need.