KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: DennyX on June 09, 2011, 02:47:00 PM
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Hi Everyone - just thought I'd drop a line and say hi, since I'm about to go bonkers. I'm 6 hours into my first full day, and this morning is crawling by. I posted roll call for my day 1. I don't know about tomorrow, but today I won't dip. I've chewed for 10 years or so....used it to stop smoking. Bad call. Tried a few times in the past, only to make it two days, three days, then some reason to go back. My favorite rationalization is that it's good for my marriage. That was the last one, when I was being an ass and lost it. This time it's for good, no going back. I just have to make it until bedtime, which I think I can do today, but I'm seriously in the deep fog. Anyway, thanks for reading, I will not let this can control my life anymore, I know there is life after dip. I just wish I could fast forward a month or two....
Denny
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I used the same exact rationalization. Your mind will tell you anything to keep you a slave to the nic bitch. Just know they are all lies. My wife finally said to me that if we got divorced then at least I'd still have a jaw to kiss other women with :wub: At that point I finally realized that my quit(health) was the most important thing in my life and my thinking was full of shit
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I used the same exact rationalization. Your mind will tell you anything to keep you a slave to the nic bitch. Just know they are all lies. My wife finally said to me that if we got divorced then at least I'd still have a jaw to kiss other women with :wub: At that point I finally realized that my quit(health) was the most important thing in my life and my thinking was full of shit
Yep, all lies. There isn't a single good thing about it, Denny. Give it some time and you'll come to realize that you never really even enjoyed it and were simply doing it because you had to in order to feed the addiction. You will see a dude smoking or spitting in a cup and pity him for still being a slave. Good to be quit with you.
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Welcome Denny! Just take your quit one day at a time !! It does get better!
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I just wish I could fast forward a month or two....
Denny
You do not want to do this. You need the pain of the first 3-5 days to keep you from going back. Remember the pain you are in and vow to never go through it again. With each failed quit comes the pain all over again.
Take it one day, hell one hour at a time if you have to, just stay quit.
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I just wish I could fast forward a month or two....
Denny
You do not want to do this. You need the pain of the first 3-5 days to keep you from going back. Remember the pain you are in and vow to never go through it again. With each failed quit comes the pain all over again.
Take it one day, hell one hour at a time if you have to, just stay quit.
PP nailed it. Never forget. You forget, you fail.
Welcome to the suck. Remember every fuckin shitty second of it.
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That's awesome. In an otherwise shitty day, Loot just made me laugh out loud and almost wake up my daughter. Welcome to the suck? Thanks, glad to be here with like minded brothers and sistas. That's good advice though, I hadn't thought about it like that. This shit is necessary, so we have some lasting memories of what a slave we were (are?) to that piece of shit weed! Right now I want this more than anything else I've ever fought for, and I can't believe it's just a weed that is CONSUMING me.
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Right now I want this more than anything else I've ever fought for, and I can't believe it's just a weed that is CONSUMING me.
Keep that attitude and you will go far! This MUST be the most important thing in your life.
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Right now I want this more than anything else I've ever fought for, and I can't believe it's just a weed that is CONSUMING me.
Keep that attitude and you will go far! This MUST be the most important thing in your life.
I remember how bad I wanted it because it was my first post. You've got the right attitude. Now get yer balls out and get it done.
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That's awesome. In an otherwise shitty day, Loot just made me laugh out loud and almost wake up my daughter. Welcome to the suck? Thanks, glad to be here with like minded brothers and sistas. That's good advice though, I hadn't thought about it like that. This shit is necessary, so we have some lasting memories of what a slave we were (are?) to that piece of shit weed! Right now I want this more than anything else I've ever fought for, and I can't believe it's just a weed that is CONSUMING me.
Welcome to September 2011 brother! And I don't know who bumped you on RC this am, but it wasn't me, lol. I checked out your profile and we're about the same age, so I figured I drop a dime on you and see if there was anything I could do to strengthen your quit. This is my first time using this site for my quit and it has helped a fucking TON. It took me 18 years of stuffing my face to realize that nicotine INVADES every aspect of your being, every inch of your soul.
Be forewarned, this is not for pussies, these guys (and gals) are one of the most hardcore group of people I've ever interacted with, but they're committed to their quits and committed to each other and that's part of why this works. The more you read on here the more you'll understand the lingo, ie 'welcome to the suck'...which is definitely NOT a fun place to be, but it DOES get better, a lot better. QSXtreme= quit-site extreme (that one took me a little while to figure out, lol), and there's also a QSLite (quitsmokeless.org) which is for total pussies and basically lets you justify your willingness to let the nic bitch control your life until you're ready to grab your sack and do the right thing. And every addict knows what the right thing is, you quit NOW, not later, fucking NOW. Then you get up tomorrow, deal with the fog, and quit again. Then you get up the next day and quit again.
Use the chat room here to rage in, everyone here understands, don't take it out on your family and friends, you did this to yourself. PM me if you need anything, you can ABSOLUTELY do this. Read as much on here as you can, it will only reinforce your quit.
AceInTheHole
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Welcome Denny! Congrats on the best decision of your life!
Hey. I'm Quit with you today. Isn't that awesome? What else could a guy want? I like to think that you are finally manning up and putting your hands back on the 'wheel' of your life.
It sucks for a while.
It gets better.
Take what you can from the good days and leave the rest.
Hey, guess what else. No one in here is superhuman, well maybe except for LooT, and we've all been able to do this. This is the 388th day in a row that I've been able to do this. I'm no one special. I'm just like you. A guy who wanted that crap out of my life. A guy who wanted to be in control of his destiny. A guy who didn't want his wife to bury him with a can in his pocket.
Hit me up if you need anything. I hang out in chat. You should join us in there sometime.
CC
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Day 2 solidly underway. I slept like shit last night, maybe two or three hours. Despite not sleeping well at all, there’s noticeably less fog today, although it’s still hanging over my head a little. I’ve never gone through any kind of physical withdrawal before, and I’m surprised at how much my body is responding as it tries to readjust to reality. I’m less scared today, that’s good. I’m certain that I can make today, I feel it in my soul. It’s going to be a fight but I’ve got that deep down feeling that I’m going to make it to bedtime tonight. This reminds me of tag I played as a little kid, we would have a “home base” where you were safe and could take a breather. In this messed up game of trying to quit, bedtime is my home base. It signifies the end of one fight, one more victory, and one more fight to come. It’s a breather (well, last night wasn’t), and I can’t wait for it to come tonight. I’m not quite having fun “slapping that nic bitch around” yet, but it’s reassuring that others are.
Ace – you’re talking my language, I love it. This is a fight for our lives, and it’s a brother that cares that will talk tough. I appreciate every word. You read my mind about QSX, I was wondering what that stood for. Thanks, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
CC – thanks for the offer, I will reach out. I’ve snooped around the chat room a little yesterday, hopefully can spend more time there today/this weekend. Looking forward to one more day, I can’t believe I’m on day 2. I feel like shit! …but somewhere here I read that’s my body adjusting. That’s awesome!
Denny
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Day 2 solidly underway. I slept like shit last night, maybe two or three hours. Despite not sleeping well at all, there’s noticeably less fog today, although it’s still hanging over my head a little. I’ve never gone through any kind of physical withdrawal before, and I’m surprised at how much my body is responding as it tries to readjust to reality. I’m less scared today, that’s good. I’m certain that I can make today, I feel it in my soul. It’s going to be a fight but I’ve got that deep down feeling that I’m going to make it to bedtime tonight. This reminds me of tag I played as a little kid, we would have a “home base” where you were safe and could take a breather. In this messed up game of trying to quit, bedtime is my home base. It signifies the end of one fight, one more victory, and one more fight to come. It’s a breather (well, last night wasn’t), and I can’t wait for it to come tonight. I’m not quite having fun “slapping that nic bitch around” yet, but it’s reassuring that others are.
Ace – you’re talking my language, I love it. This is a fight for our lives, and it’s a brother that cares that will talk tough. I appreciate every word. You read my mind about QSX, I was wondering what that stood for. Thanks, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
CC – thanks for the offer, I will reach out. I’ve snooped around the chat room a little yesterday, hopefully can spend more time there today/this weekend. Looking forward to one more day, I can’t believe I’m on day 2. I feel like shit! …but somewhere here I read that’s my body adjusting. That’s awesome!
Denny
You posted roll today. You are quit for today. It's as simple as that. There is no try or think once you posted roll. You are quit for today if your word means anything. Remember this feeling so you don't go back to it. Feel free to pm me if you need anything. Posting roll is the most important thing you can do everyday. Keep your word. Repeat.
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Day 2 solidly underway. I slept like shit last night, maybe two or three hours. Despite not sleeping well at all, thereÂ’s noticeably less fog today, although itÂ’s still hanging over my head a little. IÂ’ve never gone through any kind of physical withdrawal before, and IÂ’m surprised at how much my body is responding as it tries to readjust to reality. IÂ’m less scared today, thatÂ’s good.  IÂ’m certain that I can make today, I feel it in my soul. ItÂ’s going to be a fight but IÂ’ve got that deep down feeling that IÂ’m going to make it to bedtime tonight. This reminds me of tag I played as a little kid, we would have a “home base” where you were safe and could take a breather. In this messed up game of trying to quit, bedtime is my home base. It signifies the end of one fight, one more victory, and one more fight to come. ItÂ’s a breather (well, last night wasnÂ’t), and I canÂ’t wait for it to come tonight. IÂ’m not quite having fun “slapping that nic bitch around” yet, but itÂ’s reassuring that others are.Â
Ace – you’re talking my language, I love it. This is a fight for our lives, and it’s a brother that cares that will talk tough. I appreciate every word. You read my mind about QSX, I was wondering what that stood for. Thanks, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
CC – thanks for the offer, I will reach out. I’ve snooped around the chat room a little yesterday, hopefully can spend more time there today/this weekend. Looking forward to one more day, I can’t believe I’m on day 2. I feel like shit! …but somewhere here I read that’s my body adjusting. That’s awesome!
Denny
I really like what you just wrote about home base. It reminds me of something Smokeyg wrote:
...This is why we post roll every day. The only finish line is when I fall asleep every night. The race starts fresh the next morning with my morning roll call. I'll only be beat when I think I can't be beat.
In summary. Post roll everyday, every morning....one day at a time.
You are wise. Let me know if you need any help.
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That's awesome. In an otherwise shitty day, Loot just made me laugh out loud and almost wake up my daughter. Welcome to the suck? Thanks, glad to be here with like minded brothers and sistas. That's good advice though, I hadn't thought about it like that. This shit is necessary, so we have some lasting memories of what a slave we were (are?) to that piece of shit weed! Right now I want this more than anything else I've ever fought for, and I can't believe it's just a weed that is CONSUMING me.
Welcome to September 2011 brother! And I don't know who bumped you on RC this am, but it wasn't me, lol. I checked out your profile and we're about the same age, so I figured I drop a dime on you and see if there was anything I could do to strengthen your quit. This is my first time using this site for my quit and it has helped a fucking TON. It took me 18 years of stuffing my face to realize that nicotine INVADES every aspect of your being, every inch of your soul.
Be forewarned, this is not for pussies, these guys (and gals) are one of the most hardcore group of people I've ever interacted with, but they're committed to their quits and committed to each other and that's part of why this works. The more you read on here the more you'll understand the lingo, ie 'welcome to the suck'...which is definitely NOT a fun place to be, but it DOES get better, a lot better. QSXtreme= quit-site extreme (that one took me a little while to figure out, lol), and there's also a QSLite (quitsmokeless.org) which is for total pussies and basically lets you justify your willingness to let the nic bitch control your life until you're ready to grab your sack and do the right thing. And every addict knows what the right thing is, you quit NOW, not later, fucking NOW. Then you get up tomorrow, deal with the fog, and quit again. Then you get up the next day and quit again.
Use the chat room here to rage in, everyone here understands, don't take it out on your family and friends, you did this to yourself. PM me if you need anything, you can ABSOLUTELY do this. Read as much on here as you can, it will only reinforce your quit.
AceInTheHole
NO better words said ACE!!
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Day 2 solidly underway. I slept like shit last night, maybe two or three hours. Despite not sleeping well at all, thereÂ’s noticeably less fog today, although itÂ’s still hanging over my head a little. IÂ’ve never gone through any kind of physical withdrawal before, and IÂ’m surprised at how much my body is responding as it tries to readjust to reality. IÂ’m less scared today, thatÂ’s good.  IÂ’m certain that I can make today, I feel it in my soul. ItÂ’s going to be a fight but IÂ’ve got that deep down feeling that IÂ’m going to make it to bedtime tonight. This reminds me of tag I played as a little kid, we would have a “home base” where you were safe and could take a breather. In this messed up game of trying to quit, bedtime is my home base. It signifies the end of one fight, one more victory, and one more fight to come. ItÂ’s a breather (well, last night wasnÂ’t), and I canÂ’t wait for it to come tonight. IÂ’m not quite having fun “slapping that nic bitch around” yet, but itÂ’s reassuring that others are.Â
Ace – you’re talking my language, I love it. This is a fight for our lives, and it’s a brother that cares that will talk tough. I appreciate every word. You read my mind about QSX, I was wondering what that stood for. Thanks, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
CC – thanks for the offer, I will reach out. I’ve snooped around the chat room a little yesterday, hopefully can spend more time there today/this weekend. Looking forward to one more day, I can’t believe I’m on day 2. I feel like shit! …but somewhere here I read that’s my body adjusting. That’s awesome!
Denny
I really like what you just wrote about home base. It reminds me of something Smokeyg wrote:
...This is why we post roll every day. The only finish line is when I fall asleep every night. The race starts fresh the next morning with my morning roll call. I'll only be beat when I think I can't be beat.
In summary. Post roll everyday, every morning....one day at a time.
You are wise. Let me know if you need any help.
As addicts, we have the sisyphean task of quitting day by day.
"In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was a king punished by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity. The word 'sisyphean' means 'endless and unavailing, as labor or a task.'" (from somewhere on the interwebs, Wiki, I think). I always say my job is a sisyphean task, but the quote above made me realize that it applies to addiction as well.
In order to be quit, we have to start pushing our boulder first thing every morning, just like ol' Sisyphus. For some tasks in our life, we're done after reaching the top of the hill each day. But our addict boulder inevitably rolls back down the hill at the end of each day. Since we will never be cured, we're confronted each day with the choice of battling the addiction (rolling our boulder) or giving up. If you've posted roll, and given your word, then the only choice you have for that day is to start pushing.
Even though we never make progress and the boulder winds up in the same place we started, there is some good news. Our daily push gets easier as we build our muscles by making ourselves accountable and requesting/accepting help and support from others.
Denny, sorry to hijack your intro thread with my random thoughts. Just remember that you're an addict, that what you're going through right now is worth the price and that you don't ever want to be that guy again. You know, the one who worried about when he'd be able to get his next fix from a can of chopped up weeds. I'm stronger than that tin. And so are you. Good to be quit with you.
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Good shit gmann. Good shit.
Loot ain't no damned sissy tho.
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gmann, that rocks. I really like the analogy and story, thanks for giving me something to consume my thoughts this evening. Every word here is a breath of fresh air for a two day old....
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I've been on the road all day and had a lot of time to think. Here's what I've come up with: It's my day 7 today, haven't been nic free this long since mid 90's. I feel like an abused spouse. Husband I guess, of a really tough bitch, that physically abused me for a long time. I'd keep going back, taking the abuse, for whatever complicated reason. Last week, that bitch hit me. I hung my head low, she cracked a smile like she knew she won again. Instead, I faced her and delivered a straight right fist right to HER FUCKING FACE. She went down and cried. Moved out even, that very same night. She's still calling me, emailing me, texting me. Instinctively in the morning, I lean over to give her a kiss in bed, but she's gone. At first I feel a little tinge of "disappointment"....but is that really what it is? When I come home from work, I expect to see her making dinner for me, then I remember I knocked her the fuck out and she left. For a second, is that disappointment I feel? No, I don't think so. It's a hole in me, yes, but not disappointment. Hopefully she'll stop calling as often, but I doubt it. Sometime long in the future, she'll look me up on facebook or some shit and send me a message. Old feelings will come back. I know it's going to take a long time. I know I'm never going to be "fixed". I know I'm an addict, and this is my new reality. Thanks Scowick for helping me realize this. I'm addicted to that abusive bitch. She can call all she wants, even stop by asking to come in for coffee, but she will NEVER be welcome in my house again. I will NEVER let her back in my house....at least not today.
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Right on bro. Glad you see there is a "you" outside that relationship. That was my struggle. I too had such a long career of ingesting chemicals that I wondered "who the hell am i?" without that stuff. Glad you are seeing your independence. Cultivate that shit. Own it.
One day at a time.
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I've been on the road all day and had a lot of time to think. Here's what I've come up with: It's my day 7 today, haven't been nic free this long since mid 90's. I feel like an abused spouse. Husband I guess, of a really tough bitch, that physically abused me for a long time. I'd keep going back, taking the abuse, for whatever complicated reason. Last week, that bitch hit me. I hung my head low, she cracked a smile like she knew she won again. Instead, I faced her and delivered a straight right fist right to HER FUCKING FACE. She went down and cried. Moved out even, that very same night. She's still calling me, emailing me, texting me. Instinctively in the morning, I lean over to give her a kiss in bed, but she's gone. At first I feel a little tinge of "disappointment"....but is that really what it is? When I come home from work, I expect to see her making dinner for me, then I remember I knocked her the fuck out and she left. For a second, is that disappointment I feel? No, I don't think so. It's a hole in me, yes, but not disappointment. Hopefully she'll stop calling as often, but I doubt it. Sometime long in the future, she'll look me up on facebook or some shit and send me a message. Old feelings will come back. I know it's going to take a long time. I know I'm never going to be "fixed". I know I'm an addict, and this is my new reality. Thanks Scowick for helping me realize this. I'm addicted to that abusive bitch. She can call all she wants, even stop by asking to come in for coffee, but she will NEVER be welcome in my house again. I will NEVER let her back in my house....at least not today.
Nice turning point. Well done. You are getting your cranium back now that the chemicals are being flushed out of your system. When she calls in the future, humiliate her, she will call less often. Remember, she is a killer. A Killer.
Now, help every other abused spouse that wants help. You will see yourself objectively each time you help another. It will strengthen your quit.
On behalf of Denny and quitters everywhere. 'Finger' you nic.
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Today is day 61. Thinking about that almost brings tears to my eyes, I never thought I'd be able to make 7 days, let alone 53. And I feel strong today. Like all quitters here, I've had a really rough road since my last post. I was a closet dipper, or ninja as they call our kind here on KTC. On Day 20, I told my wife that I had been lying to her for 6 years. That was not a pretty conversation but I owed it to her and our marriage. I owed it to my quit to shine the light on my secret as brightly as I can. I “knew” she was going to leave me. She didn’t. She is my #1 supporter now. Thank you kdip for your wise words and encouragement....I cursed your name off and on for the first two weeks, but I think it’s been at least a week since I’ve dropped your name and an f-bomb in the same sentence.
IÂ’ve had random bouts of emotional break downs. Depression? I donÂ’t know, never experienced this before. They last 2-4 days then everything is good for a week. Then we repeat. Right now I happen to be on day 2(?) of a funk and hopefully it gets better soonÂ….That has been the most difficult part o f my quit since about day 25 is the emotional side of it.
Every day QUIT is amazing to me and I know it would be impossible without the support I found here. Thank you everyone that has been part of my quit. From foggy newbies to vets, to my wife who chose to fight with me instead of walking away, you have all had an incredible impact on my quit. NOW WILL THIS FUNK JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!? ItÂ’s a speed bump in my quit and I donÂ’t like it!
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I've been on the road all day and had a lot of time to think. Here's what I've come up with: It's my day 7 today, haven't been nic free this long since mid 90's. I feel like an abused spouse. Husband I guess, of a really tough bitch, that physically abused me for a long time. I'd keep going back, taking the abuse, for whatever complicated reason. Last week, that bitch hit me. I hung my head low, she cracked a smile like she knew she won again. Instead, I faced her and delivered a straight right fist right to HER FUCKING FACE. She went down and cried. Moved out even, that very same night. She's still calling me, emailing me, texting me. Instinctively in the morning, I lean over to give her a kiss in bed, but she's gone. At first I feel a little tinge of "disappointment"....but is that really what it is? When I come home from work, I expect to see her making dinner for me, then I remember I knocked her the fuck out and she left. For a second, is that disappointment I feel? No, I don't think so. It's a hole in me, yes, but not disappointment. Hopefully she'll stop calling as often, but I doubt it. Sometime long in the future, she'll look me up on facebook or some shit and send me a message. Old feelings will come back. I know it's going to take a long time. I know I'm never going to be "fixed". I know I'm an addict, and this is my new reality. Thanks Scowick for helping me realize this. I'm addicted to that abusive bitch. She can call all she wants, even stop by asking to come in for coffee, but she will NEVER be welcome in my house again. I will NEVER let her back in my house....at least not today.
Well said, thanks for sharing. I needed to read this this morning.
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Today is day 61. Thinking about that almost brings tears to my eyes, I never thought I'd be able to make 7 days, let alone 53. And I feel strong today. Like all quitters here, I've had a really rough road since my last post. I was a closet dipper, or ninja as they call our kind here on KTC. On Day 20, I told my wife that I had been lying to her for 6 years. That was not a pretty conversation but I owed it to her and our marriage. I owed it to my quit to shine the light on my secret as brightly as I can. I “knew” she was going to leave me. She didn’t. She is my #1 supporter now. Thank you kdip for your wise words and encouragement....I cursed your name off and on for the first two weeks, but I think it’s been at least a week since I’ve dropped your name and an f-bomb in the same sentence.
IÂ’ve had random bouts of emotional break downs. Depression? I donÂ’t know, never experienced this before. They last 2-4 days then everything is good for a week. Then we repeat. Right now I happen to be on day 2(?) of a funk and hopefully it gets better soonÂ….That has been the most difficult part o f my quit since about day 25 is the emotional side of it.
Every day QUIT is amazing to me and I know it would be impossible without the support I found here. Thank you everyone that has been part of my quit. From foggy newbies to vets, to my wife who chose to fight with me instead of walking away, you have all had an incredible impact on my quit. NOW WILL THIS FUNK JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!? ItÂ’s a speed bump in my quit and I donÂ’t like it!
I always look for your name. I smile when I see it. If you remember, I was a ninja dipper. I had a funk in the 70s and one in the 120s. Been smoooooooth sailing since. Day 241. It can be done and you are one to do it. Keep the quit. Freedom is the shit.
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Today is day 61. Thinking about that almost brings tears to my eyes, I never thought I'd be able to make 7 days, let alone 53. And I feel strong today. Like all quitters here, I've had a really rough road since my last post. I was a closet dipper, or ninja as they call our kind here on KTC. On Day 20, I told my wife that I had been lying to her for 6 years. That was not a pretty conversation but I owed it to her and our marriage. I owed it to my quit to shine the light on my secret as brightly as I can. I “knew” she was going to leave me. She didnÂ’t. She is my #1 supporter now. Thank you kdip for your wise words and encouragement....I cursed your name off and on for the first two weeks, but I think itÂ’s been at least a week since IÂ’ve dropped your name and an f-bomb in the same sentence.Â
IÂ’ve had random bouts of emotional break downs. Depression? I donÂ’t know, never experienced this before. They last 2-4 days then everything is good for a week. Then we repeat. Right now I happen to be on day 2(?) of a funk and hopefully it gets better soonÂ….That has been the most difficult part o f my quit since about day 25 is the emotional side of it.Â
Every day QUIT is amazing to me and I know it would be impossible without the support I found here. Thank you everyone that has been part of my quit. From foggy newbies to vets, to my wife who chose to fight with me instead of walking away, you have all had an incredible impact on my quit. NOW WILL THIS FUNK JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!? It’s a speed bump in my quit and I don’t like it!
I always look for your name. I smile when I see it. If you remember, I was a ninja dipper. I had a funk in the 70s and one in the 120s. Been smoooooooth sailing since. Day 241. It can be done and you are one to do it. Keep the quit. Freedom is the shit.
The funks come and go. They will start comming less frequently very soon.
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Hey brother, congrats on taking this step. i am actually on day 2, and starting with YOU!! just know there is a great support system, with people who aren't going to bull shit you! i am proud to quit with you today!
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Sco, yes I remember vividly when I read that. You were the first I found out that I wasn't alone...I thought I was the only ninja in the world. Come to find out, there are many many more. Nic would have liked me to keep thinking that, but I'm shining the light on her nice and bright. She thrives in secret. No longer in my life will there be secrets.
Raz - I'm relying on what you've typed below. I trust you, and I know you're right. It's just hard in the middle of it. I can't reason my way out, which makes NO sense to me. New territory but I'll take it as a sign of healing.
BigBen - You rock it brother! You keep posting and I'll keep quitting with you. One day at a time we ARE doing this. Thanks for the encouragement everyone, your words have helped me these past couple days.
Denny
X- :ph43r:
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Today is day 61. Thinking about that almost brings tears to my eyes, I never thought I'd be able to make 7 days, let alone 53. And I feel strong today. Like all quitters here, I've had a really rough road since my last post. I was a closet dipper, or ninja as they call our kind here on KTC. On Day 20, I told my wife that I had been lying to her for 6 years. That was not a pretty conversation but I owed it to her and our marriage. I owed it to my quit to shine the light on my secret as brightly as I can. I “knew” she was going to leave me. She didn’t. She is my #1 supporter now. Thank you kdip for your wise words and encouragement....I cursed your name off and on for the first two weeks, but I think it’s been at least a week since I’ve dropped your name and an f-bomb in the same sentence.
IÂ’ve had random bouts of emotional break downs. Depression? I donÂ’t know, never experienced this before. They last 2-4 days then everything is good for a week. Then we repeat. Right now I happen to be on day 2(?) of a funk and hopefully it gets better soonÂ….That has been the most difficult part o f my quit since about day 25 is the emotional side of it.
Every day QUIT is amazing to me and I know it would be impossible without the support I found here. Thank you everyone that has been part of my quit. From foggy newbies to vets, to my wife who chose to fight with me instead of walking away, you have all had an incredible impact on my quit. NOW WILL THIS FUNK JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!? ItÂ’s a speed bump in my quit and I donÂ’t like it!
Denny I know you're feeling a bit blue but that is some pretty outstanding stuff there brother. Coming clean with your wife helps solidify what you are doing. Congratulations on that. I wish I had taken those steps early in my quit. The funk sucks but this too shall pass and your strength and emotional stability will return. When I'm running and something hurts I always say to myself "pain is momentary". Sure. Might be a whole string of moments but focus on just this moment and we'll deal with the next one when it hits.
You're doing a great job brother. You're a heck of a quitter. I quit with you today.
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Day 72 ramble:
About a week ago, I was cleaning out my car and I let things go a little further in my head than I had so far. A thought about nic turned into a minor craving (nothing out of the normal, have 10-20 of these or so a day). Then the craving did something I havenÂ’t allowed in my head so far: for a couple minutes it turned into a fantasy. Included in the fantasy was how I was going to tell my Sept brothers that I had caved and my intro post into November. ItÂ’s almost like I didnÂ’t realize what I was doing, but when it hit me, I smashed it out of my head. I was disgusted with myself. I stopped half way through cleaning my car and came inside and called my wife. Then read HOF speeches. Then intro posts. Then words of wisdom. I was scared, but I think it led me to a couple revelations though:
1) When you let a crave turn into a fantasy, youÂ’re rapidly going down a dangerous road
2) When you start trying to figure out how youÂ’re going to tell your quit brothers you caved, youÂ’re even further down the road and about to be in serious trouble.
3) When you’ve done #1 and #2 above, you are officially in the “Planned Cave” zone.
This is it: youÂ’ve let your thoughts get out of control and a fantasy take over. Whether you realize it or not, your mind is preparing you for the cave thatÂ’s going to happen. It might be right away, tomorrow, or a week. But that progression of thought is scary and thatÂ’s exactly whatÂ’s happening: consciously or subconsciously, youÂ’re preparing for a cave.
Reading this you’re probably thinking, duh. Of course that’s a dangerous progression. But how aware are we of what our thoughts? Or what our minds are doing? I just “slipped” into this fantasy thing, and I don’t even know how it got to telling my brothers before I snapped out of it. That scares me, and that pisses me off. Why do I have to deal with this? Why can’t I just be “normal”? I’m an addict and even though I know that with time this will get easier (better?), this is my new reality. For life. But I’m NOT alone.
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Day 72 ramble:
About a week ago, I was cleaning out my car and I let things go a little further in my head than I had so far. A thought about nic turned into a minor craving (nothing out of the normal, have 10-20 of these or so a day). Then the craving did something I havenÂ’t allowed in my head so far: for a couple minutes it turned into a fantasy. Included in the fantasy was how I was going to tell my Sept brothers that I had caved and my intro post into November. ItÂ’s almost like I didnÂ’t realize what I was doing, but when it hit me, I smashed it out of my head. I was disgusted with myself. I stopped half way through cleaning my car and came inside and called my wife. Then read HOF speeches. Then intro posts. Then words of wisdom. I was scared, but I think it led me to a couple revelations though:
1) When you let a crave turn into a fantasy, youÂ’re rapidly going down a dangerous road
2) When you start trying to figure out how youÂ’re going to tell your quit brothers you caved, youÂ’re even further down the road and about to be in serious trouble.
3) When you’ve done #1 and #2 above, you are officially in the “Planned Cave” zone.
This is it: youÂ’ve let your thoughts get out of control and a fantasy take over. Whether you realize it or not, your mind is preparing you for the cave thatÂ’s going to happen. It might be right away, tomorrow, or a week. But that progression of thought is scary and thatÂ’s exactly whatÂ’s happening: consciously or subconsciously, youÂ’re preparing for a cave.
Reading this you’re probably thinking, duh. Of course that’s a dangerous progression. But how aware are we of what our thoughts? Or what our minds are doing? I just “slipped” into this fantasy thing, and I don’t even know how it got to telling my brothers before I snapped out of it. That scares me, and that pisses me off. Why do I have to deal with this? Why can’t I just be “normal”? I’m an addict and even though I know that with time this will get easier (better?), this is my new reality. For life. But I’m NOT alone.
That is some impressive quitting there Denny. This should go in words of wisdom. Damn fine work man.
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Day 72 ramble:
About a week ago, I was cleaning out my car and I let things go a little further in my head than I had so far. A thought about nic turned into a minor craving (nothing out of the normal, have 10-20 of these or so a day). Then the craving did something I haven’t allowed in my head so far: for a couple minutes it turned into a fantasy. Included in the fantasy was how I was going to tell my Sept brothers that I had caved and my intro post into November. It’s almost like I didn’t realize what I was doing, but when it hit me, I smashed it out of my head. I was disgusted with myself. I stopped half way through cleaning my car and came inside and called my wife. Then read HOF speeches. Then intro posts. Then words of wisdom. I was scared, but I think it led me to a couple revelations though:
1) When you let a crave turn into a fantasy, youÂ’re rapidly going down a dangerous road
2) When you start trying to figure out how youÂ’re going to tell your quit brothers you caved, youÂ’re even further down the road and about to be in serious trouble.
3) When youÂ’ve done #1 and #2 above, you are officially in the “Planned Cave” zone.Â
This is it: you’ve let your thoughts get out of control and a fantasy take over. Whether you realize it or not, your mind is preparing you for the cave that’s going to happen. It might be right away, tomorrow, or a week. But that progression of thought is scary and that’s exactly what’s happening: consciously or subconsciously, you’re preparing for a cave.
Reading this you’re probably thinking, duh. Of course that’s a dangerous progression. But how aware are we of what our thoughts? Or what our minds are doing? I just “slipped” into this fantasy thing, and I don’t even know how it got to telling my brothers before I snapped out of it. That scares me, and that pisses me off. Why do I have to deal with this? Why can’t I just be “normal”? I’m an addict and even though I know that with time this will get easier (better?), this is my new reality. For life. But I’m NOT alone.
That is some impressive quitting there Denny. This should go in words of wisdom. Damn fine work man.
Good stuff Denny. Just another example of Nic's lies and trickery. She plants the seeds of fantasy and hopes you turn it into reality. Proud to be quit with you today.
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Day 72 ramble:
About a week ago, I was cleaning out my car and I let things go a little further in my head than I had so far. A thought about nic turned into a minor craving (nothing out of the normal, have 10-20 of these or so a day). Then the craving did something I haven’t allowed in my head so far: for a couple minutes it turned into a fantasy. Included in the fantasy was how I was going to tell my Sept brothers that I had caved and my intro post into November. It’s almost like I didn’t realize what I was doing, but when it hit me, I smashed it out of my head. I was disgusted with myself. I stopped half way through cleaning my car and came inside and called my wife. Then read HOF speeches. Then intro posts. Then words of wisdom. I was scared, but I think it led me to a couple revelations though:
1) When you let a crave turn into a fantasy, youÂ’re rapidly going down a dangerous road
2) When you start trying to figure out how youÂ’re going to tell your quit brothers you caved, youÂ’re even further down the road and about to be in serious trouble.
3) When youÂ’ve done #1 and #2 above, you are officially in the “Planned Cave” zone.Â
This is it: you’ve let your thoughts get out of control and a fantasy take over. Whether you realize it or not, your mind is preparing you for the cave that’s going to happen. It might be right away, tomorrow, or a week. But that progression of thought is scary and that’s exactly what’s happening: consciously or subconsciously, you’re preparing for a cave.
Reading this you’re probably thinking, duh. Of course that’s a dangerous progression. But how aware are we of what our thoughts? Or what our minds are doing? I just “slipped” into this fantasy thing, and I don’t even know how it got to telling my brothers before I snapped out of it. That scares me, and that pisses me off. Why do I have to deal with this? Why can’t I just be “normal”? I’m an addict and even though I know that with time this will get easier (better?), this is my new reality. For life. But I’m NOT alone.
That is some impressive quitting there Denny. This should go in words of wisdom. Damn fine work man.
Good stuff Denny. Just another example of Nic's lies and trickery. She plants the seeds of fantasy and hopes you turn it into reality. Proud to be quit with you today.
Good strength Denny. You got some quit going there brother.
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I've seen the link for www.whyquit.com (http://www.whyquit.com) around KTC and WTP but never have clicked on it until this morning. Now here I sit, beautiful Sunday morning, my almost 5 year old sitting next to me, and I'm in tears. She doesn't really notice, but since quitting and going on an emotional roller coaster, she's seen me in tears a couple times. Sorry for the dose of reality, but this is taken from whyquit.com. The feeling of, "OK, I'll quit then, then everything will be ok, right? Right?" just hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, there IS a too late.
For someone on the fence wondering if they should quit, I have one message for you: This is not a joke. This is not a game. This is a fight for our lives. A fight for MY life. You do what you want, I am quit today and expect that I'll be quit tomorrow. But I'll make that decision tomorrow.
Happy reading:
Char, 33, Deceased
On a warm sunny day in August of 2001 my friend called me up to complain about a nagging lump on her neck. As we talked and smoked our cigarettes, I proceeded to tell her, "I'm sure it is nothing, I wouldn't worry about it." We found out a month later that she had non-small cell adenocarcinoma. How in heavens name can a 33 yr old have lung cancer!?
She right away made an appointment with a very well known and respected lung cancer specialist. I remember driving with her to the appointment in downtown Chicago. We were so...indifferent, almost jovial. I guess we both still thought that this had to be a big mistake. Even if she did have lung cancer, we surely had caught it at an early stage. The first opinion that she had, the doctor told her that her cancer was a stage 3. Now there is a stage 3A and a 3B. Upon doing research we discovered that 3A, at least you have some sort of a chance, but with 3B it is pretty hopeless. Upon arriving at the hospital we even parked in lot 3A, we knew for sure it was a good sign.
We walked into the doctors office and it was like a conference room. He was in there along with several medical students and a few other doctors. Then came the news...Stage 4. The final stage of lung cancer. Her diagnosis was 3 to 6 months. Upon hearing this, her immediate response was "What about my kids?" "What are my kids going to do without me!" Grasping at straws, she asked the Dr.,"So, if I quit smoking, will I get better?" The answer was that it might give her a few extra days, but her cancer was very advanced. People say it's never to late to quit smoking. Well, it was to late.
Those 6 months were not only the worst of hers, but the worst of my life too. She went from being a little bit chunky at 5'5 and 186lbs. to wasting away to nothing. She had to be under 100 lbs. when she passed away. I had to go and buy her clothes for her wake. While I was picking them out, I had to shake my head at the irony. Her whole life she had aspired to be a size 3, and that was going to be big. She was a great friend, and also a great mother. She left 3 beautiful children.
After seeing someone disintegrate before your eyes, and go from a healthy, active, funny, really cool person to...well, dead, you think I would give up smoking and never look back. That shows how amazingly addictive cigarettes are. I didn't give it up. Well, not right away anyway. Char will be dead 4 years Feb. 22. I quit Feb 13, 2006.
Jane Kurecki - Friend
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Every time I need a kick in the ass I read the Tom and Jenny Kern story. All very sobering... Tobacco shortens lives, simple as that.
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Reminiscing. I don't think it's healthy to DWELL on the past, but we can't ever forget where we came from. The past is a pile of decisions that make us what we are today. Tonight I was thinking about my last dip. I had gone on a business trip for three days. It was a five hour drive home and I dipped the entire time. The day before I left I had found KTC and decided that when I got back, I would quit. On the drive home, I filled a large soda cup with spit and pulled into the park just down the street form my house. I dunked what was left of the can in my spit cup (just to make sure I wouldn't come back and get it) and tossed it in the garbage can. This was it. I was done. It was 4pm or so.
My wife left home to go help out volunteering in town around 5:30. It wasn't long after that I took the baby to the park and was digging around in the garbage can. I found the spit cup and swished around in the cup to get the tin. The baby was crying, the tin was DISGUSTING, marinated in spit. I was feeling withdraws. I looked up and THREE separate couples in preppy clothes walking the dog or something had stopped mid-stride and were staring at me just as I cracked the lid. I packed a horseshoe right in front of them (NOT easy for someone that hid it from every single person I knew), then dumped the can upside down in the trash, turned and walked away with a still screaming baby.
Half hour later I felt lower than I ever had in my life. My head was spinning because I packed too big a lip, but it was going to be my "last one" so it had to be big. I was scared. I cried. My hands smelled awful from digging in the dip. I admitted to our baby out loud that I had a problem, spit out the dip, put her in the car, and went into town to meet my wife. That was 6:55pm. That was my last dip.
I'm 168 days clean today. I've had to re-learn how to live without dip in my life. It's been unbelievably hard emotionally. I truly am humbled by this experience. It has stretched me further than I ever thought possible. It has been more rewarding than I could have EVER imagined. This freedom is indescribable, something I never would have guessed possible. Thank you for this brotherhood, I don't take one single day for granted.
Dennis - 168 days nicotine free
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I'm 168 days clean today. I've had to re-learn how to live without dip in my life. It's been unbelievably hard emotionally. I truly am humbled by this experience. It has stretched me further than I ever thought possible. It has been more rewarding than I could have EVER imagined. This freedom is indescribable, something I never would have guessed possible. Thank you for this brotherhood, I don't take one single day for granted.Â
Dennis - 168 days nicotine free
Congrats brother. You sound good man and I'm glad you're here. This place can work wonders and the results seem positive across the board.
Advice to newbies: Drink the Kool Aid. Listen to those that came before you. Don't fuck with the system.
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5 bills Denny. Congrats brother.
Way to bring it.
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5 bills Denny. Congrats brother.
Way to bring it.
Big mo fo quitter!
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Thanks fellas. If you are use reading this with a dip in your mouth wondering what it's like to be dip free for 500 days, l'll help: the freedom is indescribable, it's that good. It's so good, it almost brings tears to my eyes thinking about the journey from the first post in my intro to here. It DID bring tears to my eyes when I logged on to post roll on my HOF and saw the train with MY name below it. I'll tell you, I never thought it was possible. Ever. I had accepted that one day it would take my life. I had accepted that id be suckling from nic's teet, hiding in the corner getting my fix like a heroin junkie, until the day I die. But I've got news for you: surrender. In order to win, you must give up. Give up your pride, your plans, and your preconceptions. Your HOF class will become your rock and they will lend you a hand when you just can't do it anymore. We take it one day at a time here, sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. I never understood what that meant until I fought nicotine. I was once just like you. Lurking. Reading. Wanting. Scared out of my mind. The beauty is that we all are just like you. Post an intro thread and let me know why you aren't going to quit. Let that be your first step and see what happens. I've seen it before: lives change. Surrender happens. As Soul would say, own it. Own your day instead of being somethings bitch. Own your life. Own your decisions. Take control back right now. Either that or be owned. I promised today that I will not be owned, just for today, and that feels great. Maybe some can do it on their own but not me. Today I'm 501 days nicotine free and have posted roll call 501 days in a row. In the end, I decided to be quit this long, but the brotherhood (and sista'hood) that I have found here have saved my butt hundreds of times. I will be eternally greatful to everyone here that invested in my quit. To all of you that helped teach me what it means to surrender, to quit one day at a time, to OWN IT, thank you. Not just from me but my family thanks you too, this has been an awesome journey.
DennyX
Day 501
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Right fucking on, bro!!!!! Im only 141 days quit but with every passing day I realize more and more how much better life is without that shit, on multiple levels.
Congrats on 501!!! Im only 360 days behind you. To some that may seem like a long time but I had a dream I could be nic free one day and as the saying goes, "the arrow flies when you dream..." 500 and beyond will be here before i know it and I'll enjoy every fucking minute of it!
Stay quit!
Diesel
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Thanks fellas. If you are use reading this with a dip in your mouth wondering what it's like to be dip free for 500 days, l'll help: the freedom is indescribable, it's that good. It's so good, it almost brings tears to my eyes thinking about the journey from the first post in my intro to here. It DID bring tears to my eyes when I logged on to post roll on my HOF and saw the train with MY name below it. I'll tell you, I never thought it was possible. Ever. I had accepted that one day it would take my life. I had accepted that id be suckling from nic's teet, hiding in the corner getting my fix like a heroin junkie, until the day I die. But I've got news for you: surrender. In order to win, you must give up. Give up your pride, your plans, and your preconceptions. Your HOF class will become your rock and they will lend you a hand when you just can't do it anymore. We take it one day at a time here, sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. I never understood what that meant until I fought nicotine. I was once just like you. Lurking. Reading. Wanting. Scared out of my mind. The beauty is that we all are just like you. Post an intro thread and let me know why you aren't going to quit. Let that be your first step and see what happens. I've seen it before: lives change. Surrender happens. As Soul would say, own it. Own your day instead of being somethings bitch. Own your life. Own your decisions. Take control back right now. Either that or be owned. I promised today that I will not be owned, just for today, and that feels great. Maybe some can do it on their own but not me. Today I'm 501 days nicotine free and have posted roll call 501 days in a row. In the end, I decided to be quit this long, but the brotherhood (and sista'hood) that I have found here have saved my butt hundreds of times. I will be eternally greatful to everyone here that invested in my quit. To all of you that helped teach me what it means to surrender, to quit one day at a time, to OWN IT, thank you. Not just from me but my family thanks you too, this has been an awesome journey.
DennyX
Day 501
Good Shit! Damn proud to quit with you every damn day.
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Thanks fellas. If you are use reading this with a dip in your mouth wondering what it's like to be dip free for 500 days, l'll help: the freedom is indescribable, it's that good. It's so good, it almost brings tears to my eyes thinking about the journey from the first post in my intro to here. It DID bring tears to my eyes when I logged on to post roll on my HOF and saw the train with MY name below it. I'll tell you, I never thought it was possible. Ever. I had accepted that one day it would take my life. I had accepted that id be suckling from nic's teet, hiding in the corner getting my fix like a heroin junkie, until the day I die. But I've got news for you: surrender. In order to win, you must give up. Give up your pride, your plans, and your preconceptions. Your HOF class will become your rock and they will lend you a hand when you just can't do it anymore. We take it one day at a time here, sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. I never understood what that meant until I fought nicotine. I was once just like you. Lurking. Reading. Wanting. Scared out of my mind. The beauty is that we all are just like you. Post an intro thread and let me know why you aren't going to quit. Let that be your first step and see what happens. I've seen it before: lives change. Surrender happens. As Soul would say, own it. Own your day instead of being somethings bitch. Own your life. Own your decisions. Take control back right now. Either that or be owned. I promised today that I will not be owned, just for today, and that feels great. Maybe some can do it on their own but not me. Today I'm 501 days nicotine free and have posted roll call 501 days in a row. In the end, I decided to be quit this long, but the brotherhood (and sista'hood) that I have found here have saved my butt hundreds of times. I will be eternally greatful to everyone here that invested in my quit. To all of you that helped teach me what it means to surrender, to quit one day at a time, to OWN IT, thank you. Not just from me but my family thanks you too, this has been an awesome journey.
DennyX
Day 501
Good Shit! Damn proud to quit with you every damn day.
Damn straight Dennis. One foot in front of the other.
Let the world know you set your path.
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Congratulations DennyX,
I Quit with YOU TODAY!
Thank you for supporting me and sharing your FREEDOM with me.
Many a day did you and mikeA's post make me cry cause you took the time to support me.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being here! 'bang head'
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Dustin and bumpin for some 3 yr love
'clap'
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Dustin and bumpin for some 3 yr love
'clap'
Congrats!
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Dustin and bumpin for some 3 yr love
'clap'
Congrats!
Legen....
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Dustin and bumpin for some 3 yr love
'clap'
Congrats!
Legen....
Wait for it.....
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Dustin and bumpin for some 3 yr love
'clap'
Congrats!
Legen....
Wait for it.....
dary!
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Dustin and bumpin for some 3 yr love
'clap'
Congrats!
Legen....
Wait for it.....
dary!
Congratulations Denny on your 3 Year milestone!
Love you man.
Thank you for being here and all that you do.
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It never ceases to amaze me to read threads like this, and why pushing forward every day and posting roll is of such importance. Congratz on 3 years, and thank you for your intro and HoF speech.
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Dustin and bumpin for some 3 yr love
'clap'
Congrats!
Legen....
Wait for it.....
dary!
In your first post you were "going bonkers" How different you must feel today! Congrats!
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Dustin and bumpin for some 3 yr love
'clap'
Congrats!
Legen....
Wait for it.....
dary!
In your first post you were "going bonkers" How different you must feel today! Congrats!
Damn, someone dusted off this old intro thread and gave it a good solid bump! I don't even know what to say about it. Took my wife and kiddos out to chain BBQ to celebrate - on the way there my wife tells me how proud she is that I've been clean for 3 years - but that if I ever cave, I had better tell her because her Grace is contingent on honesty. Wow, we've come a long way. I remember that decision, to tell my wife that our entire relationship, I had been lying to her, and aside from the decision to quit day 1, the most important decision of my quit. It closed the door 100%. It also tore down our marriage just so it could be built up stronger than it ever could have been otherwise.
I was talking to a group of guys this morning about how secrets thrive in darkness. Nic wants you to think that you're the only one that has been through this. Nobody else understands your struggle. It's impossible to quit. Don't talk to anyone about it. The internet has nothing to offer a quitter. Bullshit. I remember my first visit to KTC - I was blown away. Other people just like me, were going through exactly the same thing. They told me what to expect, how to do it, took away the "mystery" that nic held over my head. You all shone the light of truth on the darkness of this addiction, thank you for that.
Never again for any reason. Hey nic, 'Finger'
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Dustin and bumpin for some 3 yr love
'clap'
Congrats!
Legen....
Wait for it.....
dary!
In your first post you were "going bonkers" How different you must feel today! Congrats!
Damn, someone dusted off this old intro thread and gave it a good solid bump! I don't even know what to say about it. Took my wife and kiddos out to chain BBQ to celebrate - on the way there my wife tells me how proud she is that I've been clean for 3 years - but that if I ever cave, I had better tell her because her Grace is contingent on honesty. Wow, we've come a long way. I remember that decision, to tell my wife that our entire relationship, I had been lying to her, and aside from the decision to quit day 1, the most important decision of my quit. It closed the door 100%. It also tore down our marriage just so it could be built up stronger than it ever could have been otherwise.
I was talking to a group of guys this morning about how secrets thrive in darkness. Nic wants you to think that you're the only one that has been through this. Nobody else understands your struggle. It's impossible to quit. Don't talk to anyone about it. The internet has nothing to offer a quitter. Bullshit. I remember my first visit to KTC - I was blown away. Other people just like me, were going through exactly the same thing. They told me what to expect, how to do it, took away the "mystery" that nic held over my head. You all shone the light of truth on the darkness of this addiction, thank you for that.
Never again for any reason. Hey nic, 'Finger'
Well Done Sir. Keep adding those +1's!!!