KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: rteam2 on November 25, 2014, 02:34:00 PM
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Am I the only one who remembers their first nic hit? I even remember the anger and jealousy that pushed me to it one night early in college. I was a varsity athlete in high school and I swore I'd never smoke. Then I bought a pack to get back at someone, and suddenly I was a smoker. Twenty years went by. A few years later I married that same person who had unknowingly made me jealous that night, and she is still my wife and the love of my life. I wanted to blame her for my choices, but my addiction is not her fault. I was hooked, and I didn't want to give up smoking. I tried to hide it from her, though I suspect she knew all along.
We now have three sons. My sons and I have taken an annual camping trip for about ten years, during which we spectated as my brother and cousin rode a 30 mile mountain bike race. For years I wanted to be able to train, prepare and participate in that annual event. Finally, as my boys got older, mountain biking became something we could do together. We bought some bikes and hit the trails. The second time out, it became obvious to me that smoking and biking do not go together.
Then came the switch. I smoked my last cig and popped a tin. I'd tried it once or twice but it never held the appeal of smoking. This time, though, something was different. I was determined to stop smoking, and chewing seemed to be a good solution. My addiction didn't go away. It just morphed into something different. Suddenly, I could get my nic hit indoors. The shower, late night TV, working on the car - these became opportunities. I didn't have to drive somewhere. I could get my fix much more easily.
And I still lied all the time. When I smoked, I did everything I could to get rid of the smell. Still, I got caught occasionally and made up some story, which I'm sure wasn't believed. When I was chewing, I hid it as best I could, but how do you blame that kind of evidence on someone else? Two days ago, one day after our oldest son turned 15, my wife confronted me. I don't really feel like it was a confrontation. It was more like a statement of support, or at least that's what I heard. She told me not to come crying to her when my face falls off from cancer. She would know - she's a nurse who has seen it all. But then she told me something that I can't get out of my head, and I don't really want to.
She said, "You're better than that."
Right after that I got rid of it. Straight to the trash. It wasn't the first time, but I feel different this time. I keep asking myself, "Are you really better than that?" Am I really able to get by without it? Then I tell myself that I really am able to do this. I resolve to be better.
I don't want to lie anymore. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of the cost - money, time and health. I'm tired of all of it. I want to be a better husband. My wife is so strong, so beautiful and so deserving of the truth.
Today is November 25. For me, it's day 2. For now, whether it's true or not, I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be easier than today, just like today is easier than yesterday. Just get through today without giving in. I'll take on tomorrow when it gets here, and I'll reach for that 100 day milestone, that indicator that I've accomplished something on my path to breaking these chains.
Back in college, my wife and I shared our first date on the third of March. That has become a special date for us to remember. It's like our own extra anniversary. I believe it's not a coincidence that my 100 day milestone will come on the third of March, 2015.
I'm going to be better.
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Great intro, and you posted roll. Read as much as you can here and on the HoF speeches. Go to LIVE chat in the right hand corner for additional support - rage on there or in your intro.
Sounds like you have a smart wife, and we are all better than this addiction, but we all must fight Every Damn Day (EDD).
March 3 sounds great, but I think you and I should get through November 25th first. No need to look that far ahead.
PM me for a number if you need to text at someone.
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Welcome aboard! Read all you can and follow the plan 100% it works. If this old fart can quit anyone can. I always knew I was better than the scum bag my addiction turned me into. I had failed soooo many times I just lost all hope. The tools provided in this forum is where I started finding hope. Your intro remained me of just how I felt as that hope started growing. I remember breaking down and crying as I went through withdrawal and first saw that I could do this. For me that was 969 days ago and I'm still amazed at the strength of quitting with others in a similar situation. We can all be our best by concentrating on today.
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Great intro....
TW and WT are great to have already in your thread... I cannot emphasize enough don't get caught up in long range goals just get through the day...keep adding +1's and it will be here before you know it. For now today only read read read listen learn arm yourself with knowledge of your enemy that has robbed you for years.
Tobacco/Nicotine is an awful predator it one of the few chemicals that actually causes up regulation of receptors in your brain other drugs actually just flood the receptors so that more is needed but not with nicotine actually causes receptors to grow.
Get numbers those will be part of your tool kit to keep you quit, PM me if you need one.
Trauma
589
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Great intro....
TW and WT are great to have already in your thread... I cannot emphasize enough don't get caught up in long range goals just get through the day...keep adding +1's and it will be here before you know it. For now today only read read read listen learn arm yourself with knowledge of your enemy that has robbed you for years.
Tobacco/Nicotine is an awful predator it one of the few chemicals that actually causes up regulation of receptors in your brain other drugs actually just flood the receptors so that more is needed but not with nicotine actually causes receptors to grow.
Get numbers those will be part of your tool kit to keep you quit, PM me if you need one.
Trauma
589
You are better than any addiction. Don't think you are... Know you are. Today is your day to win. Yours for the taking. You can do this. Quit all day!
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Made it through day 2 and feeling good so far partway through day 3. Already got through what would have been a typical trigger - snowy Minnesota traffic. Made it to the office fairly calm, too. Gonna attack this candy bar. That'll get me through for a while...
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Good to hear from you. Do you have a plan for Thanksgiving if a crave hits? Do you have any other quitter phone numbers?
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Man that was a really good intro. I know that you can do this. I did it, so you can too! There will be good and bad days but as you keep stacking up the days things steadily get better and easier. Stay close to this site, post roll everyday. Stay quit and you WILL NOT regret this great decision you have made for yourself. Congrats.
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Man that was a really good intro. I know that you can do this. I did it, so you can too! There will be good and bad days but as you keep stacking up the days things steadily get better and easier. Stay close to this site, post roll everyday. Stay quit and you WILL NOT regret this great decision you have made for yourself. Congrats.
You have the right wife and you found the right place. If we can do it you can do it. Just bring the quit one day at a time and read like a mofo. Buddy up with some quit pals in your group and find a quit Sherpa and you will crush it.
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Man that was a really good intro. I know that you can do this. I did it, so you can too! There will be good and bad days but as you keep stacking up the days things steadily get better and easier. Stay close to this site, post roll everyday. Stay quit and you WILL NOT regret this great decision you have made for yourself. Congrats.
You have the right wife and you found the right place. If we can do it you can do it. Just bring the quit one day at a time and read like a mofo. Buddy up with some quit pals in your group and find a quit Sherpa and you will crush it.
Awesome intro. Way to just open right on up and bring new friends into your life. You have some damn fine quitters already responding to you but I say get your wife involved in your quit more than just a pressure. Have your wife read the Spousal Support (http://www.killthecan.org/community/spousal-support/) section. Then make sure you also check out the What to Expect when you quit dipping (http://www.killthecan.org/your-quit/what-to-expect-when-you-quit-dipping/).
Then troll around the KTC halls, read other people's intros and find a few quitters that you feel will help make you more accountable. Then if you ever get the opportunity to meet another quitter face to face, do it; it make everything much more real and deeper.
P.S. The above bold and underlined text are links (safe links at that).
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Welcome, and great intro, rteam. I wish the sense of clarity and purpose were so clearly displayed in all other intros on here.
First thing's first: you are an addict and I think you know that by now. You are also in very good company, and in time you will realize that as well. Many of use were long time smokers that switched to dip, or were ninja smokers/dippers who finally got tired of the shameful lies and the hiding. This addiction compels us to do many things at the expense of our family and loved ones.
There's no question that the coming days and weeks are going to suck. Nicotine has had its claws in you for a very long time, and she won't give up easily. The good news is that this place can help keep you quit as long as you post roll each day and are a man of your word. Anything beyond that, we can deal with as it comes. The key here is to take it one day at a time. Don't worry about whether tomorrow will be better or worse than today. Just worry about being quit today.
Keep posting roll first thing, and start collecting digits of your quit brothers and vets alike. You will need all of the support and accountability you can get - trust me on this. PM me and I'd be more than happy to give you mine.
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Thanks guys for the support. I'm going to PM for some digits this afternoon.
We're ordering pizza for the department right now, so I'm looking forward to that fix LOL. I know I'm likely to put on some weight throughout my quit, but that's OK. As far as Thanksgiving goes, I'm cooking with my wife tomorrow morning, then eating with family, and then working the second job (bartending) tomorrow afternoon/night. That may be a trigger for me. I'm not bringing any chew with me though, because I don't have any, and I can't really exit the bar to get some. I'm also going to tell those at work that I've quit. I'm feeling good about those plans.
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Thanks guys for the support. I'm going to PM for some digits this afternoon.
We're ordering pizza for the department right now, so I'm looking forward to that fix LOL. I know I'm likely to put on some weight throughout my quit, but that's OK. As far as Thanksgiving goes, I'm cooking with my wife tomorrow morning, then eating with family, and then working the second job (bartending) tomorrow afternoon/night. That may be a trigger for me. I'm not bringing any chew with me though, because I don't have any, and I can't really exit the bar to get some. I'm also going to tell those at work that I've quit. I'm feeling good about those plans.
The most critical thing right now is staying quit. If you pack on a few you can deal with that in time. Do whatever it takes to get thru today. You can do this brother!
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Made it through day 3. Feeling like I haven't really slept well for a few days, so I'm going to bed. Besides, that's where my beautiful bride is. What the hell am I doing watching hockey? Night all.
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Dude, I just read your intro for the first time, top to bottom. I realized something. When you post an intro like that, when you come out of the gates and lay it all on the line. When you open up and spill your guts...that is typically a person who has the right mind set to succeed. Someone who is willing to put the past in the past and work towards a new future. The future is a day-by-day trip that accumulates into a new way of life. And let me tell you, that new way of life...that freedom, will give you a better high than any drug induced high. The term "high on life" will gain meaning for you.
Because you opened up the way you did, badass quitters like those who have posted support before me are going to gravitate towards your quit. Shit like that inspires us to refine and strengthen our own quits as we support and strengthen yours. Keep posting roll and keep staying active.
Live it, Learn it, Breath it: Accountability + Brotherhood = Success
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Made it through day 4. I was too busy at work last night to really feel like I needed to use. Thank God for that. Got home last night, had a quick bite and went to bed without really wanting any. Cravings seem to be subsiding - at least the physical side of things. There's still the mental stuff, but I feel like it's slowly getting better.
Moonlighting as a bartender has me up until 3:00 a few nights a week. Sometimes my amazing wife lets me sleep as long as I like. This morning was one of those days. In the past I would wake up every so often and wonder if I remembered to hide my stash or if I was going to be confronted when I got up. No real rest there.
After not getting much quality sleep during the first few nights of my quit, and not waking up with worry, I slept long and hard last night. It felt great!
Look for a win every day. Getting through the day without caving might be the win, and that's huge! I'm finding there are so many positives I'm experiencing now that I'm quit. I bet you can find some too!
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You are doing it Rteam! I remember the fog and the sleeping problems. Relish in the good moments. There are a lot more ahead. Just keep doing what you are doing.
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RTeam, fearless leader, I wanted to save this quote of yours in your intro page. You, sir, are a BAQ and I'm proud to be in March Rage with men like you. Carry on!
I took my wife out to dinner on Tuesday, which was my day 100 and the 20th anniversary of our first date. How's that for coincidence? I laid out for her what this site has helped me accomplish, as she's been pretty much in the dark on things. Ninja dipper, ninja quitter since I didn't think she'd believe me anyway. We both agree that I've been a different person these last 100 days, and she fully supports me. You guys may have saved my marriage along with my life. I owe you all a debt I could never repay.
This struck a chord with me when you posted it a couple of weeks ago, RTeam. Without getting all "Kumbaya" and campfire chords, let me just say how genuinely proud I am of our small group. We quit at, arguably, the most stressful time of year and plowed through the anguish and torment of nicotine withdrawal--and came out on the other side with a 20/20 vision of precisely HOW to quit for another 100 days. That ain't a small accomplishment, men. Congrats to our new HOFers and thanks to RTeam for some really good perspective.
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Rteam....i'm a little late to stop in and slap your back...but that doesn't make any less sincere....Congratulations on 100 + days of Quit....no easy task for addicts like us....i'm proud to be Quit with you and all of March
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Rteam....i'm a little late to stop in and slap your back...but that doesn't make any less sincere....Congratulations on 100 + days of Quit....no easy task for addicts like us....i'm proud to be Quit with you and all of March
Congratulations on first 100 I'll be here to congratulate you on your next 100! Quit on brother!