KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: BigRedDog on April 24, 2025, 03:14:35 PM
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From 09 to yesterday afternoon/evening, three cans of grizzly a day. Last time I touched it was yesterday at 6pm.
Ive had enough, sitting here feeling nauseous and irritable, but it'll be worth it eventually
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From 09 to yesterday afternoon/evening, three cans of grizzly a day. Last time I touched it was yesterday at 6pm.
Ive had enough, sitting here feeling nauseous and irritable, but it'll be worth it eventually
Glad to see you made it over to Discord @BigRedDog (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=40089). If you follow the program you will stay quit.
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Day 84 and it seems both impossible that ive gone this far, and impossible its only been 84 days.
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Day 84 and it seems both impossible that ive gone this far, and impossible its only been 84 days.
@BigRedDog (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=40089) the few weeks leading up to my HOF were brutal - some of the worst of my quit. Always have a plan and focus ODAAT.
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Day 84 and it seems both impossible that ive gone this far, and impossible its only been 84 days.
@BigRedDog (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=40089) the few weeks leading up to my HOF were brutal - some of the worst of my quit. Always have a plan and focus ODAAT.
Ive noticed the same issue in the past week. Its like im reliving all the initial withdrawal symptoms again and have by far the biggest cravings ive had in awhile.
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Today was not a great day...first real hard-core scare that actually shook my confidence.
Day 86 and I was at work, waiting on my trailer to be unloaded and it was humid and miserable and frustrating and without even thinking there was the want, and the pat on the back right pocket and the thought of needing a pinch....
Idk if its because I've been tired this past week, and kind of run down honestly. But man, that feeling that need and the thought shook my confidence in my quit.
I know I wont cave tonight but man... im not nearly as certain as i was 12 hours ago about tomorrow. Now I continue to worry that tbis will be how it is forever
I know it wont be... but man... I thought by day 86 id be better than this...stronger, and not nearly as vulnerable to it
I was not prepared for this week to be the week that shook me, and I dont know why it is
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This post is over a decade old. But it still mean what I said then. "That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly."
Happy to share this burden with you!
Waste I know I am a day late on this but congratulations on 1300 days quit.
Thank you for what you have done and continue to do for all of us here at KTC, I know that I would not be at this point if it was not for your support.
Watching Bones the other night I heard this quote: "That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly."
I have been thinking of how the post hall of fame funk, and the trouble it is to post everyday, help others, and leave a place better than you found it. Yes it is a burden to be quit, it is a burden to post every damn day, it is a burden to spend time here paying it forward. But these burdens are good, I will gladly carry the burden that quitting brings, because embracing the quit like you have shown me how to fly.
I am proud to share the burden of quit with you.
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89 days in now and suddenly it isnt as bad. Been a couple days without really having a craving and feeling safer in my quit than I was.
The extra assurance comes from this place, all I had to do was mention im struggling and scared and I had no shortage of people checking to make sure I made it.
It was playing tricks on my mind seeing how everybody else seemed to be alright, but then I realized we were all suffering through. We were just each having our own issue with it.
Mine was hitting me where im.the weakest. My anxiety was cranked up to 1000
Day 100 is soon, and im nervous after 100 what it will be like bug thats for future me to deal with.
As for now, day 90 us what I am focused on.
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89 days in now and suddenly it isnt as bad. Been a couple days without really having a craving and feeling safer in my quit than I was.
The extra assurance comes from this place, all I had to do was mention im struggling and scared and I had no shortage of people checking to make sure I made it.
It was playing tricks on my mind seeing how everybody else seemed to be alright, but then I realized we were all suffering through. We were just each having our own issue with it.
Mine was hitting me where im.the weakest. My anxiety was cranked up to 1000
Day 100 is soon, and im nervous after 100 what it will be like bug thats for future me to deal with.
As for now, day 90 us what I am focused on.
ODAAT bro. Just focus on today. We will deal with tomorow when it gets here. Keep it simple.
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93 days.
94 days ago I was an active dipper, flailing away at life trying to understand why my mental state continued to worsen and why I wasnt enough.
Why I wasn't strong enough or smart enough, why I wasnt active enough or why no matter how hard I tried I could never find happiness or even peace. Why I demanded perfection of myself in every aspect of life, and then failed?
93 days
I now havent touched or bought any tobacco or can. I decided I wanted to use nothing for at least 100 days, no fake dip no substitute. In my mind, I had to prove it to myself. That I wanted this and deserved it.
I now have anxiety meds and therapy. Im starting to heal long held onto baggage and scars. Finally starting to let go of the tiniest amount of guilt and blame.
I felt the briefest moment of happiness for the first time in my life. I for the first time ever realized I was enough the entire time in that scenario. The other will come with time.
But as happy as that made me and the relief I felt, im now scared. Because who am I becoming? How do I love with the fact that I dont have that fear and guilt to shield me from everything else? How do I function?
93
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Day 96, folks are in town for a couple days. Therapy has me realin a bit. Not a bad thing just, my entire perspective on who I was and why I am the way I am has changed so much in the past 3 months.
Im starting to understand why I am an addict, and what nicotine was actually doing. Im starting to understand that it was a drug I was hiding behind. Protecting myself from alot of shit inwasnt ready to see yet.
But it's all starting to break apart now and im starting to understand what my previous version was doing. Why it struggled so hard to function. Why for 35 years I felt so... unworthy.
Many more difficult days to go, and a bunch of repressed memories and emotions to work through.
But between this site and my therapist and a couple friends, my quit is as strong as ever.
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Day 96, folks are in town for a couple days. Therapy has me realin a bit. Not a bad thing just, my entire perspective on who I was and why I am the way I am has changed so much in the past 3 months.
Im starting to understand why I am an addict, and what nicotine was actually doing. Im starting to understand that it was a drug I was hiding behind. Protecting myself from alot of shit inwasnt ready to see yet.
But it's all starting to break apart now and im starting to understand what my previous version was doing. Why it struggled so hard to function. Why for 35 years I felt so... unworthy.
Many more difficult days to go, and a bunch of repressed memories and emotions to work through.
But between this site and my therapist and a couple friends, my quit is as strong as ever.
Glad to see you making progress!! I wrote this little piece on the concept of 'progress' a long time ago - check it out and maybe there is something in there that you can relate to. No Progress (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?topic=15929.0)
In terms of the therapy, I'm happy to see you leveraging that tool. I utilized professional help as well; unfortunately, I waited too long after I quit to seek that help but alas, at least I found my way there eventually. It can be a lot to unpack but I commend you for taking the narrow path. Hang in there brother and proud to be quit with you today!
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98
You know I couldnt help but think about dip yesterday. Not a craving, just more of a "if I was dipping still" moment.
Out seeing the 700 gators and feeding them and such I realized normally id throw in a pinch and be spitting into the swamp towards those gators.
How freeing it was to not have to worry about trying to sneak a pinch in around all those kids and families, and not have to worry about spitting "politely"
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Wo through therapy I have come to realize that part of my troubles have been from trauma from childhood...and no not like the stereotype one, but just one where when you dont connect to your own mother how that can leave a longing effect.
Dont get me wrong, she's always been a good mom. But I have chased the "approval" my entire life. Every decision I made for years and how I didnt face anything....basically I would have life happen, then decide what "should" be my reaction, and when that didnt work in my brain I failed because I wasnt enough.
Relationship fell apart? I didnt do enough
A friend ends up hurt? I didnt do enough to warn them/protect them
I dont get a promotion? I wasnt good enough at work and suck so I quit
My coping with life was not coping...it was a cycle of self defeating and self hatred tied with nicotine "making me feel better" which is why I was up sometimes over 3 cans a day....
Even today I was explaining to my parents (visiting) that I am at day 98 and have been tobacco free for the first time in 16 years...the response I get?
"Well when I quit cigarettes I just put them down and never had any withdrawal symptoms"
Like it diesnt matter...I didnt quit for her
But fuck...I still cant get a "im proud of you" no matter what i achieve in life...accepting that and learning how to understand its not my fault is a challenge
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Wo through therapy I have come to realize that part of my troubles have been from trauma from childhood...and no not like the stereotype one, but just one where when you dont connect to your own mother how that can leave a longing effect.
Dont get me wrong, she's always been a good mom. But I have chased the "approval" my entire life. Every decision I made for years and how I didnt face anything....basically I would have life happen, then decide what "should" be my reaction, and when that didnt work in my brain I failed because I wasnt enough.
Relationship fell apart? I didnt do enough
A friend ends up hurt? I didnt do enough to warn them/protect them
I dont get a promotion? I wasnt good enough at work and suck so I quit
My coping with life was not coping...it was a cycle of self defeating and self hatred tied with nicotine "making me feel better" which is why I was up sometimes over 3 cans a day....
Even today I was explaining to my parents (visiting) that I am at day 98 and have been tobacco free for the first time in 16 years...the response I get?
"Well when I quit cigarettes I just put them down and never had any withdrawal symptoms"
Like it diesnt matter...I didnt quit for her
But fuck...I still cant get a "im proud of you" no matter what i achieve in life...accepting that and learning how to understand its not my fault is a challenge
Holy shit dude, you just described my life and relationships with my parents. I can relate 100%.
Glad you are continuing to dive into these uncomfortable areas in your life. It sucks now but it provides the clarity and understanding needed for healing and renewal. Proud of you and proud to be quit with you today!
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Wo through therapy I have come to realize that part of my troubles have been from trauma from childhood...and no not like the stereotype one, but just one where when you dont connect to your own mother how that can leave a longing effect.
Dont get me wrong, she's always been a good mom. But I have chased the "approval" my entire life. Every decision I made for years and how I didnt face anything....basically I would have life happen, then decide what "should" be my reaction, and when that didnt work in my brain I failed because I wasnt enough.
Relationship fell apart? I didnt do enough
A friend ends up hurt? I didnt do enough to warn them/protect them
I dont get a promotion? I wasnt good enough at work and suck so I quit
My coping with life was not coping...it was a cycle of self defeating and self hatred tied with nicotine "making me feel better" which is why I was up sometimes over 3 cans a day....
Even today I was explaining to my parents (visiting) that I am at day 98 and have been tobacco free for the first time in 16 years...the response I get?
"Well when I quit cigarettes I just put them down and never had any withdrawal symptoms"
Like it diesnt matter...I didnt quit for her
But fuck...I still cant get a "im proud of you" no matter what i achieve in life...accepting that and learning how to understand its not my fault is a challenge
Holy shit dude, you just described my life and relationships with my parents. I can relate 100%.
Glad you are continuing to dive into these uncomfortable areas in your life. It sucks now but it provides the clarity and understanding needed for healing and renewal. Proud of you and proud to be quit with you today!
99
I think thats the part that started to kind of surprise me... talking to people I mean yea, nobody's story is exactly the same, but its all somewhat relateable... and I started realizing I wasnt addicted to nicotine because it was just so good.
I was addicted to the coping, to the shield from the bullshit it allowed me. I his behind 3 cans a day for 16 years and was working myself deeper and deeper into depression...
Every time something didnt work i just dipped a nother can and popped open a new log and ignored the shit....so much so it hospitalized me years ago
My body and mind have been speaking to me for years, I just finally listened
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100 days. 2400 hours and counting.
What a weird day. A hell of a step forward and a personal moment I didnt think id ever have. On to day 101, standing proudly with the bastards of July 25.
Cant repay what this site and discord has done for me. Long way to go, but I look forward to celebrating every day quit with all of you.
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100 days. 2400 hours and counting.
What a weird day. A hell of a step forward and a personal moment I didnt think id ever have. On to day 101, standing proudly with the bastards of July 25.
Cant repay what this site and discord has done for me. Long way to go, but I look forward to celebrating every day quit with all of you.
Congrats on the HOF. Keep focusing only ODAAT and let the days add up.
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100 days. 2400 hours and counting.
What a weird day. A hell of a step forward and a personal moment I didnt think id ever have. On to day 101, standing proudly with the bastards of July 25.
Cant repay what this site and discord has done for me. Long way to go, but I look forward to celebrating every day quit with all of you.
Congrats on the HOF. Keep focusing only ODAAT and let the days add up.
Congrats on 100 man!! I've always said the HOF is a milestone worthy to be celebrated but at the end of the day, it's simply the end of the beginning. Don't lose your focus; don't get complacent. Keep stacking the days ODAAT.
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104
The cravings are back, in a bad way.. the teeth hurt worse than they have, I feel worse than I have in awhile.
Really ready for a smooth week or two at some point.
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104
The cravings are back, in a bad way.. the teeth hurt worse than they have, I feel worse than I have in awhile.
Really ready for a smooth week or two at some point.
You will get there man - focus on one minute, one hour, half day, one day at a time.
I think for a lot of people there is such anticipation surrounding the HOF or 100 day mark. In reality, it's a milestone lodged squarely in the middle of a challenging stretch for most people. Some of my most challenging times were just before 200. I don't say that to scare you; rather, keep trusting the process and know, for a fact, that it will get smoother/easier. You got this man.
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104
The cravings are back, in a bad way.. the teeth hurt worse than they have, I feel worse than I have in awhile.
Really ready for a smooth week or two at some point.
You will get there man - focus on one minute, one hour, half day, one day at a time.
I think for a lot of people there is such anticipation surrounding the HOF or 100 day mark. In reality, it's a milestone lodged squarely in the middle of a challenging stretch for most people. Some of my most challenging times were just before 200. I don't say that to scare you; rather, keep trusting the process and know, for a fact, that it will get smoother/easier. You got this man.
105
Its funny, I got to 100 with no fake dip or anything. For whatever reason when this all started my mind was determined not to use anything to help. Just embrace the suck and get through it, and i did. But I always assumed that after 100 id be more open to fake dip.
But now that ive gone this long I am super hesitant to change anything and my mind has almost made the switch to making 200 without fake dip being required.
I guess its always good to have goals? Lol, either that or its my mind still in the mindset that I have to "earn" the quit and "prove" my quit by making it suck more than it has to
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111
Last few days were pretty solid, think im gonna have to change anxiety meds because these are just keeping me tired. They've helped with anxiety levels but man.... I could sleep everyday and now that the westher has broken I dont want that
One day at a time the battle rages
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112 and today was the first time ive had a super stressful day that I never once wanted a dip... never wanted to spit or anything, I was fine...stressed yes and running around like crazy, but not a single pinch
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113 and finally having a couple good days grouped right tigether...even without all the stress at work, im not wanting a pinch or needing something to replace that feeling
Its weird that I might actually be able to live life free of that dead plant in my lip
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116 still riding a good wave...feels good to finally hit that point
Gets a bit frustrating when you continuously struggle daily but now? Finally seeing the positives of what life can and will be like after dip
Missed therapy on thursday, thought I had it scheduled but didnt...rescheduled for Monday, rough way to start the week but cant afford to miss therapy like that
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Well in a shocking twist, J3TLAG was actually CC268. Who the fuck saw that coming.
My quit is fine, but man... what a fucking shock that was
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Well in a shocking twist, J3TLAG was actually CC268. Who the fuck saw that coming.
My quit is fine, but man... what a fucking shock that was
I'm going to continue to research his old profile today on here... Yesterday was ride all the way around, but I'm proud to be quit with you!!
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118 and damn... we are going on a week of good days
Finally having a break from the oral fixation has just been a blessing, my mind is finally clearer, im able to focus on things.
Ive also found it easier to focus and be more present in KTC. You know when I first started I wasnt sure how much I bought into the idea of a life long accountability discord. Now its an enjoyable part of the day.
I know there will be downs, but man... finally having good days is a huge boost of encouragement that I needed.
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Great HOF speech man!! Proud to be quit with you today.
MN/3,405
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Great HOF speech man!! Proud to be quit with you today.
MN/3,405
Thank you! 121
I made the difficult decision to start seeing a doctor and dentist finally...doctor will be first, I know...its childish but I am not ready to get bitched at for my teeth... thats just a discussion im not ready for, itll be expensive and extensive, but thats what I get fir being an idiot for 16 years
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Great HOF speech man!! Proud to be quit with you today.
MN/3,405
Thank you! 121
I made the difficult decision to start seeing a doctor and dentist finally...doctor will be first, I know...its childish but I am not ready to get bitched at for my teeth... thats just a discussion im not ready for, itll be expensive and extensive, but thats what I get fir being an idiot for 16 years
Same here for the dentist... This bill is going to suck, and you know what that is on me for being an idiot for all those years. If I am being honest it is going to feel great not having busted teeth and pain all the damn time. Makes me sick though thinking about all the damage I did. I know I will need gum graphs as well, so I am terrified of that....
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122 and talking to November made me realize its been two weeks roughly that I have felt good..I have craved dip, I havent had the oral fixation urge that was driving me insane
I think it was like day 92 or something I swore whem I hit 100 I was gonna use fake dip because the oral fixation was murdering me... but here we are roughly 30 days later and still no fake or anything and im not missing it
I dont have the "missing" feeling now... wild how the brain works
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126
You know when I started this quit. It was just I am done with dipping. There was no changing my life or wanting to dig into my past or trauma or heal anything.
Now granted it qasnt just dip, weekly therapy has been a game changer combined with quitting. But man...126,days in and I can myself at my core changing, letting shit go that wasnt mine to carry. Realizing that I was keeping myself in a hole instead of allowing myself and others to pick me up.
I was stuck fighting a war that was already won. She survived, she was no longer in danger and had healed and yet I carried the burden, the grief, I carried the death, the screams of anguish... and then I kept piling on. Instead of letting go I added more weight . I lived off of pain and anguish. It fed my fire, and gave me a purpose. I would use dip to cope with the misery I was in.
That "purpose" was in reality, killing myself.
She saw me drowning. She had come back multiple times everytime with a hand out and I just couldnt see it. I was pulling her back down into the hell she escaped from so she would leave to save herself and her children....but she came back.
She never gave up. She willingly faced that hell over snd over again to pull me up and out of it. It just took me a decade to realize it and let her. I always thiught she didnt stay because I wasnt worth staying for.
In reality her coming back over and over was her proving i was worth it..I just had to stop fighting and let it all go.
Thats a different kind of love. I sacrificed everything for her to live and I would again. I gave my entire being so she may live and she did. Shes happy and healed now. What I didnt realize is she has always done the same for me. Shes always came back. Its been 13 years and she came back again.
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127
ODAAT...I Was Killing Myself
I don't mean that I was intentionally killing myself. I thought I was fine. In fact, if you had said I was I would of rolled my eyes threw in a dip and said "yea shit sucks but oh well...fuck it"
One day in 2012 I met a woman...who would end up being the most important person on the entire planet for me. I fell in love instantly. The connection was there for both of us. I was from GA she was from Cali, she was beautiful and her heart and her soul were just. Man they were beautiful. I have never met someone so pure hearted and just good at their core.
About 7 months later she left me. Not because we were not in love but because another man had basically tied his life to her staying and she could not leave that. Understandably she wanted to save him. As much as I hated it then and now, I understand what happened. She got dragged down to hell by a toxic soul and then he took his own life, knowing it would kill her, and not caring.
She called me that morning and it was decided before she ever finished talking that I would not let her die. She would live no matter the cost. I would burn the planet to see her live. She had a little girl. A beautiful daughter and I drilled into her head that she had to live for her. I do not know if that worked, or if it was just the fact I told her to give it all to me and I would carry her. She did. She gave it all to me and i carried her life, her grief, her horror while I was heart broken from losing her. Being still head over heels in love with her, listening to her grieve another man that I hated, even more so then. But none of that mattered... what mattered was her living. One night I got a message from a friend of hers that she had committed suicide. I have never felt such a soul crushing and horrific pain. The screams that left my throat that night I can not forget... I was in such horror.
Yea that was a fucking lie made up by her friend to I guess create drama or insert herself into it? But the damage had been done. I knew what her losing her life was like and I refused to ever allow that...I did not care what happened to me....she had to live.
She did...by the grace of god it worked. She had a long road to go to heal but she was alive. That's what mattered the most. That is all that mattered to me. I was...broke. I was full of panic and grief and anger that was not even all mine, plus my own heartbreak and grief and things I could not process....I swallowed all of it. Shut it off to the world and ignored it. I got my can of grizzly and I sucked it the fuck up.
I tell you all that so you can see the last major event that set my past 13 years into motion...no it was not the only trauma ive experienced, but it is important for a reason.
Following that? Yea life sucked, but you put our head down and suck it the fuck up. Get some intestinal fortitude and face it like a man, others did so can you. That was what I told myself everyday for 13 years. Heartbreak happens? You did not do enough, you were not good enough... quit being a failure and get back to work. We got bills to pay.
Someone took advantage of you? You did not do enough to earn them staying so you deserved it.
You can't eat because you are a broke bitch? You cant afford food? Then drink coffee, you failed so you deserve to starve. Ope that house you were rebuilding is falling apart? Guess what embrace living in a mice infested hole with the ceiling falling in and holes in the floor because that is where you belong. You have not proven you deserve more so suck it the fuck up. Dont have water? Go get some 5 gallon buckets and fill them up at the local well. Suck it up you will make it. You want to eat? Then figure it the fuck out on $10,000 a year and no one gives a fuck. You keep going or you die, so you keep going. You don't need shit besides dip. Throw in a horseshoe up top and on bottom and figure it the fuck out. Work shit jobs for shit pay, you have to earn it. You finally make money and can be comfortable? Take on someone else's debt and save them because you have been there and they do not deserve it. You do. You can take it, you will take it and you well embrace the pain.
Your bones hurt? You stiff from work and have injuries? Suck it up, nobody got time for the doctors. You got a bum ass ankle? Suck it up and keep walking, you do not malinger and let that be an excuse. Be better than everybody, give it all to your job to prove to them you are worth it. You do not get paid well? You did not earn it, you suck. Do fucking better. Stop failing. Stop being an utter failure.
Yea...that's how I lived through every day of my life for 13 years. It just is what it is. I said fuck you world throw your darkest shit at me I can take it...and I mean I was not wrong. I did. I faced demons head on everyday. Demons of suicide that were not my own, demons of grief and sadness and anger and pain that were never mine to hold. Impossible expectations of perfection that had been a self imposed demon my entire life.
About 4 years ago I was having panic attacks. I did not know that's what they were...but I called the suicide hotline because I just...I needed somebody...anybody to help me. I knew something was wrong. The guy on the line said "Wow, I do not know how you have not considered suicide yet, well done" and I always saw that as odd. No...suicide was for broken people, I am not broken I can take this shit. Fuck them.
Every step of the way I grabbed a can of grizzly and threw in pinches. Three cans a day and if I had time four. I would of done a log a day if i could of afforded it. It was the only way I could keep my nerves calm and I could relax. She would come back and try to re-enter my life and she would leave again. Leaving me even more heartbroken and just further convincing myself I was not enough for her to choose me. Like always I was not enough.
January 2025 I get a message from her...she is back and she is promising to not leave. I told her I believed her, but I mean come on. I knew better, she was married now and had kids and had healed and forgot all about me...I did not matter. I did not do enough to earn her staying in my life. I am not dumb.
Turns out I could not be any more dumb if I tried to be. I was so far down the hole that I could not see that she had chosen to come back. Several times. She probably was better off staying away, but the bond we shared from those early days...she was back because she knew I was in trouble. Deep deep trouble. I did not.
It was not an instant realization. We talk every day and she did not push it hard. She just kept nudging, in her way. Her bossy ass way lol. When I quit nicotine and told her I think she knew then I was ready to come out of the hell. See what I did not know is when I willingly stepped into hell for her I stayed in there deep. I fought it for her. But i was still fighting that war I had already won. I was facing demons everyday head on for 12 years and loved the pain. That fed my soul...kept me burning, fuck em all. I can take it and I will because I am too damn stubborn to give up. I stared at them deep in their souls and spit in their face.
Only now.....they were landing blows...before I could fight them all and laugh at them. Now I was taking hits and I was losing ground. I was not going to give in, but...I was being overwhelmed.
I was like that Japanese guy like 30 years after WW2 still fighting a guerilla war. I could not see I had won. I just saw she was in danger and my life did not matter if she was not safe.
She knew I was there. She knew I was on the brink of never being able to return. She knew and she chose to come back to even though she is happily married. Has her kids and a beautiful family that I have a hard time even believing she has. It is a blessing she made it. She is my miracle.
I did not see that... I just refused to believe I could not be loved far past any kind of romantic love. That's not marriage love, that is a undying, unconditional pure love. I am not worthy of that.
She is doing the same thing for me I did 12 years ago...walking through the fires of hell for each of us to get out. Because we can not on our own.
It was the exact same thing I had being crying for and begging for and beating myself up over for the pat 12 years....it was there all along. I just did not let myself see it. I buried my head in the pain, in dip, in the war and said fuck it I can do this....
I was stupid, because the love I have never had in my life was there all along. Now we will never be married but...me and her? We got something a lot more than that. I will love her till the day I day, and for eternity after. That my friends is true, pure, honest love.
The point in this is not too brag or tell a love story. The point of this is to tell you that I know more of you are lost. You were not in the same battle I was but we were in the same war. We have been fighting back demon after demons and lying to ourselves that we are not that bad.
I promise you, you are weaker than you think by yourself. You are not going to survive tha way for forever. Do not wait until it tears you apart and destroys you until you are essentially dead. Speak up and reach out. Somebody is there. It is hard and it is painful. I quit nicotine and that mixed with therapy and man...I am facing some cold hard truths. But that is ok because I have my KTC family and her holding me up. I will be better.
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129
I was not prepared for this journey... my first 100 days was all about the withdrawals and oral fixation driving me insane....I thought that was what this is all about.
Yea id learn how to live without dip but whatever...its just a habit thing
Man...was i wrong as hell about that...this is an entire wakeup call to the life I was living and now you have to face everything nicotine shielded you from.
The best part of this is i havent wanted for a dip...I havent even cared i dont have any, I dont have that willpower to run and hide anymore. I want to fight.
I understand now fighting is not just sucking up and staying alive...its healing. Its growing. It isnt saying fuck you to the demons and that I can take it.
Its saying fuck you, you wont ruin my life. You are not welcome here anymore. I am worthy and I am strong.
Im 35...time to make a difference
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135
Its like I told Candoit the other day. That went from being a number of days to meaning a lot more than it used to. It has become a challenge these past couple weeks. The hardest days of my quit so far have been now, and yet it motivates me to stay quit and keep moving. Every bit of bad news that comes and I take in and don't reach for a can or dive into a bottle its a win.
Now thats not saying I didn't want one so badly the other day. I would of given anything to just get hammered and throw in a pinch and just stop feeling things, become numb and have that buzz and I would feel better.
I broke down to the point where I texted my dear friend and asked her if she thought I could just get blasted, just completely forget the world exists. Thankfully I had her, because she told me then "No, you know that will not help" and she was right... it is no different than Nicotine is....its just a vise to hide behind but man...I needed it.
But I did not need it. I faced whats coming, talked it out and dealt with it and here I am. I am stronger than I was. I am getting better. I have a ways to go, and Wellbutrin has become the life saver I needed to give me a helping hand so I can dig myself out of this hole I got myself in.
But its no longer a number, its my reminder to be better, stronger, and more thankful for everyday than I was the day before. A reminder that I will never go back to where I was before this point. My life depends on it.
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138
These new meds might just be the blessing I have needed for a long long time. They have made cravings come back but that is the side effect of them making the anxiety worse these first couple weeks. Hopefully they level off and I can stay on these.
Funny how my "low" point on these meds is what I used to consider my high point. We will see how it goes
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140
Fuck... it feels like a week 2 all over again..these new meds Wellbutrin are absolutely playing havoc with my mind right now. The smallest shit is too much pressure for my brain right now. I have to step away from work and everything else and just be in peace for a week.
I will get better again I know I will but it just sucks to finally...finally feel good and go right back down again.
Fucking fuck the fucking fuck fucking fuck.
Thats all I got. Be back tomorrow to bitch again.
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144
The meds finally have leveled off a bit it seems...thank god... they are doing wonders for me but the anxiety and being on edge like that 24/7 is exhausting
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150
Not much to say today except... 150
Never could of imagined
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150
Not much to say today except... 150
Never could of imagined
congrats on the half floor! proud to be quit with you today!
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161 and the Conducting of September is done.
What a month.... between work, the conducting, the new meds, and money being short...I am absolutely mentally wore the hell out. I havent been posting in here but I have been so busy with the new months and work and just...its so easy to forget to stop and think on things.
I have learned more about being quit post 100 than I ever knew pre 100. Its also made me realize just how hard it had ahold of me. These newer quitters coming in with a belief that they arent really addicts, they just used it as a habit. It will be easy once you get through the withdrawal symptoms. Man, I didnt even think I would stay past 100 when I started...it all seemed a bit strange, a bit over dramatic....
Now I am here at 161 white knuckling the most basic stress in every day life because I spent the majority of it avoiding that happening. Now I have to teach my brain to actually function and be a grown ass man.
I will never go back. I cant afford to. For me this is about life, i aint even worried about the cancer aspect. This is just me trying to save whats left of ym mental health and find that life I once wanted. It will take time.
One day at a time.
I am worth it
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161 and the Conducting of September is done.
What a month.... between work, the conducting, the new meds, and money being short...I am absolutely mentally wore the hell out. I havent been posting in here but I have been so busy with the new months and work and just...its so easy to forget to stop and think on things.
I have learned more about being quit post 100 than I ever knew pre 100. Its also made me realize just how hard it had ahold of me. These newer quitters coming in with a belief that they arent really addicts, they just used it as a habit. It will be easy once you get through the withdrawal symptoms. Man, I didnt even think I would stay past 100 when I started...it all seemed a bit strange, a bit over dramatic....
Now I am here at 161 white knuckling the most basic stress in every day life because I spent the majority of it avoiding that happening. Now I have to teach my brain to actually function and be a grown ass man.
I will never go back. I cant afford to. For me this is about life, i aint even worried about the cancer aspect. This is just me trying to save whats left of ym mental health and find that life I once wanted. It will take time.
One day at a time.
I am worth it
Every day quit is a day further from who you were and a day closer to who you are becoming. QWYT
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168
Ive been finding it hard to journal about things nowadays, at least on here. I still have weekly therapy and open discussions a out staying quit but idk...my mind is processing things differently
Peyton had a spot on her kidneys that we got news about today and I didnt panic. I didnt stress out or need/want a dip. I didnt have any oral fixation craves. I just absorbed itz processed it, accepted it and moved on.
Now sure I was concerned and supportive of her, but it didnt scare me. I didnt have dread and anxiety and end up spiraling. I was confident and stable. I knew she needed me to support her and give her some strength to face the appointment. But I was able to withoit feeling anxious or scared or panicked.
Now she got good news which was amazing to celebrate as its not cancer! But, I just realized that I approached this so differently...I didnt need a crutch or to hide.
After 168 days of being quit, therapy, and meds...my brain is finally rewiring. Yea I needed tools to do it, but it was all me. My determination and my fight for my life that changed my life.
The war rages, but thats a major victory in the war.
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171
Today I made the switch from online therapy to in person...another sign of improvement
Things are improving one day at a time. ODAAT
The key to everything
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Side note. This year Peyton gets to watch her daughter be a cheerleader in highschool.. got to see her daughter have her first bf
There was a time 13 years ago I was giving everything just so shed see her little toddler the next morning...I sacrificed alot for her to stay alive
Its just further proof it was worth every bit of what ive been through
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172, nieces came to visit for a day... alwaya had to hide a pinch with them around
Not anymore, damn proud to be quit today
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173
Anxiety is high, I gotta get this under control