KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: rocketman on April 07, 2011, 11:14:00 PM
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I AM AN ADDICT. Man, that was the hardest thing to admit to myself. Never ever did I think I would be in this position. Those four words are really hard to say, read type. The first time I read them on the posts, I thoughtÂ….yeah, rightÂ…that certainly doesnÂ’t apply to me. The more I read, the more I realized I am no different than any of the other brothers sisters out there who have smoked, dipped chewed. I AM AN ADDICT. Shit, what happened? I was never supposed to be an addict!
IÂ’ve been quit 20 days now. Found this site months agoÂ…canÂ’t remember if it was during my last pause or when I was dipping. Officially signed up a few days ago. IÂ’m a husband father of two (away at school now) and living in north Texas.
My WHY is two-fold: I want to be around to walk my daughter down the aisle and have a full face when I do it (several years from now I hope :-) ) and itÂ’s about time to take care of me.
Ok, so I was having what I thought was a love affair with the nic bitch over the past 30 years. It had actually started in college, took the first pause for 10 years and been a steady on/off for the past 19 years.
The past 19 years I tried to hide the dip from family most friends. My dipping friendsÂ….well I just spit the copen-slop all over the place with themÂ….wherever whenever. Sure nic bitch I stopped seeing each other several times, but she always lured me back. The lure was often around something stressful happening in my life whether it be at work or home.
I found I enjoyed my alone time with the bitchÂ….driving local or road trip = dipping, flying=dipping, yard work=dippingÂ…you get the picture. I even got to the point where I knew how much I could dip not have to spit (and still get a good nic hit) spend time with the family watching TV with the shit in my mouthÂ…no one knew. Even better was when it was dark I had a beer for the sole purpose to have a spit bottle pretending like I was drinking the little bit of beer that was left. WTF!! Who was I kidding? The nic bitch loved it though.
Reading through the site has been an incredible journey so far. The HOFS I’ve read have been inspiring. I was giving blood tonight using that time to read HOFS….came across the “What is a wife, son daughter’s love worth to u” post….started reading it and had to stop as it was a bit too close to my WHY. I’ll need to read that later without a crowd of people around me. The Tom Kern story….I haven’t even clicked that one yet. The photos were enough at this point to scare the shit outta me.
So here I am 20 days quit and admitting I am an addict. The post, pictures stories will keep me quit and I know the brothers sisters on here will help as well. Not proud of how I got here or that IÂ’ve become an addict, but pretty darn proud IÂ’m quit!
Oh yeahÂ….the name rocketmanÂ….from my skiing brothers who say I ski down the hill too fastÂ….answered a lot of questions in chat the past couple nights about the name.
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Nice intro rocket man, I can tell you that realizing you are an addict like the rest of us is a very big step. Your story is very similar to so many of us on here you might have read my hof speech we are not very different. I can tell you I've never been stronger in my quit than when I've been on here, reading stories, posting advice, and posting roll. I thought it was corny and not for me at first to tell a bunch of strangers that I wouldn't use today but you know what? It's worked for me, I'm not letting my group down, I'm not going to disappear because I know they are watching me just likeim watching them. We are grinding out the days together encouraging each other when the bitch comes calling like she always does. I encourage you to post up, get involved and hold yourself accountable. If you need a number or any help shootmea pm on this site. You've got this just commit and keep your word!
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Welcome rocketman. The names and dates change but it appears many of the feelings and actions don't. Sad that we become such a slave to something that our only hope is I hope I don't ruin my daughter's wedding day by looking like a monster.
If you've done 20 days you know you got 20 years in you. Well done and keep that quit.
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Welcome to crazyville. Your story reminds me of...me. PM me if I can help in anyway.
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Step 1 is dipping or chewing.
Step 2 is quitting.
Step 3 is logging on to KTC.
Step 4 is posting roll daily and staying quit.
Step 5 ...repeat Step 4 forever.
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Rocket- I AM AN ADDICT, too. Proud to be Quit with you. I'm on Day 8 and that is the greatest thing in the world. Today I posted Roll Call and today I am Quit. Peace
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Day 51 –
Yesterday was my halfway point to HOF. While itÂ’s a great milestone in my quit, I realized for now itÂ’s still very much a daily struggle.
My day 47 was a mind blowing day. The night before I was talking with a July quit brother about his struggle with his quit. We ended up talking about addictions and sharing some of our addictive pasts. As I shared in my intro a few weeks ago, before I found this site I never thought of myself as an addict. Admitting I was a nic addict was a big step in my quit. What I realized during my conversation with him on Tuesday night was I had other addictions in my life, yet never used the word addict to describe it until right then. While IÂ’m beyond those addictions at this point in my life, Tuesday was the first time I actually admitted to myself they were addictions.
IÂ’ve been keeping a journal during my quit, writing every couple days or when I need to let shit out of my head. HereÂ’s part of what I wrote on Wednesday.
“My body was still somewhat numb this morning from the addict conversation the night before. Very little sleep. I’m not sure, but with all my thoughts and the separation from the nic bitch, maybe I went into an anxiety attack or something this afternoon. That’s when the major craves started, inability to focus and my hands were shaking a bit. WOW! Nothing like this before with my quit or previous quit attempts. I needed to get into the chat room….work allows entry to the forum, chat room is blocked. Tried on my smart phone it kept locking….I was absolutely worthless for about 1.5 hours. Reached out with a few texts….good to get me through the afternoon. Had a couple conference calls and was outta there at 1700 on the mark. Got home right into chat. It was good to let some of this stuff out…talking with some of the vets who have been around a while been through it all. If someone had put a can in front of me this afternoon, I would have had to make calls as I seriously would have considered caving. Logically I know the dip wouldn’t help anything and make it all worse, but the fucking mind games the nic bitch plays on ya. Just when you think the quit is going well, boom….she appears and slaps you upside the head. The dirty little whore…..I’m not going to be a slave to her any longer…fuck off bitch…I’m quit. Sheesh! I read about and hear in chat about guys going through some really tough shit with their quit. I’m thinking my first week was tough, but nothing like these guys are going through. Well today I experienced some of the shit they’re going through and it wasn’t pretty. I certainly have a greater respect for them and their quit. What a day.”
Without a doubt, Day 47 was my most difficult. Without KTC, the accountability and support, I would have not made it through Wednesday. I know there will be more similar challenges in the next 50 and IÂ’m armed ready for that dirty little whore one day at a time.
So on a bit of a different note…..In church this morning a video was played for Mother’s Day and there were kids saying lots of things about their moms. One comment really struck me. The child said “I really like my mom because she enjoys spending time with me and not alone.” Think about how often we have spent time alone with our dip at the sacrifice of our families. Out of the mouths of children comes the honesty we should be asking ourselves.
Stay strong stay quit my KTC brothers.
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Day 51 –
Yesterday was my halfway point to HOF. While itÂ’s a great milestone in my quit, I realized for now itÂ’s still very much a daily struggle.
My day 47 was a mind blowing day. The night before I was talking with a July quit brother about his struggle with his quit. We ended up talking about addictions and sharing some of our addictive pasts. As I shared in my intro a few weeks ago, before I found this site I never thought of myself as an addict. Admitting I was a nic addict was a big step in my quit. What I realized during my conversation with him on Tuesday night was I had other addictions in my life, yet never used the word addict to describe it until right then. While IÂ’m beyond those addictions at this point in my life, Tuesday was the first time I actually admitted to myself they were addictions.
IÂ’ve been keeping a journal during my quit, writing every couple days or when I need to let shit out of my head. HereÂ’s part of what I wrote on Wednesday.
“My body was still somewhat numb this morning from the addict conversation the night before. Very little sleep. I’m not sure, but with all my thoughts and the separation from the nic bitch, maybe I went into an anxiety attack or something this afternoon. That’s when the major craves started, inability to focus and my hands were shaking a bit. WOW! Nothing like this before with my quit or previous quit attempts. I needed to get into the chat room….work allows entry to the forum, chat room is blocked. Tried on my smart phone it kept locking….I was absolutely worthless for about 1.5 hours. Reached out with a few texts….good to get me through the afternoon. Had a couple conference calls and was outta there at 1700 on the mark. Got home right into chat. It was good to let some of this stuff out…talking with some of the vets who have been around a while been through it all. If someone had put a can in front of me this afternoon, I would have had to make calls as I seriously would have considered caving. Logically I know the dip wouldn’t help anything and make it all worse, but the fucking mind games the nic bitch plays on ya. Just when you think the quit is going well, boom….she appears and slaps you upside the head. The dirty little whore…..I’m not going to be a slave to her any longer…fuck off bitch…I’m quit. Sheesh! I read about and hear in chat about guys going through some really tough shit with their quit. I’m thinking my first week was tough, but nothing like these guys are going through. Well today I experienced some of the shit they’re going through and it wasn’t pretty. I certainly have a greater respect for them and their quit. What a day.”
Without a doubt, Day 47 was my most difficult. Without KTC, the accountability and support, I would have not made it through Wednesday. I know there will be more similar challenges in the next 50 and IÂ’m armed ready for that dirty little whore one day at a time.
So on a bit of a different note…..In church this morning a video was played for Mother’s Day and there were kids saying lots of things about their moms. One comment really struck me. The child said “I really like my mom because she enjoys spending time with me and not alone.” Think about how often we have spent time alone with our dip at the sacrifice of our families. Out of the mouths of children comes the honesty we should be asking ourselves.
Stay strong stay quit my KTC brothers.
Good stuff.
One day at a time. If not, one hour at a time. If not, one minute at a time. If not, one breath at a time.
Reaching out is key. Thanks brother.
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Great job rocketman. You used every tool you had to stay quit. That is how it's done! Keep up the good work.
Proud to be quit with you,
30
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I am an addict to nicotine, and have been since since I took my first dip 18 years ago!! I quit cigarettes, whiskey, and hell raisin, but the demon of them all has been the worm dirt in the lil hockey puck shaped can! I have never been so addicted to anything in my life as I have to the spit shit in the round can! I was talked into trying the snus that you have to buy on line from Sweden, they say it is" safer" Bullshit!!! The damn stuff is a hell of a lot stronger and more potent than the American and it just gets you more addicted and gets its hooks into you a hell of a lot deeper!! Hang in there!!! Greg 'bang head'
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Saw that today is 900 days for you.
Thanks for the texts, posting roll with me, meeting up for dinner and the example of just quitting.
Congratulations on 900. 'clap' 'clap' 'clap'
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Well, I too wanted to stop in and congratulate you on 900. You SIR have owned it so far. I am proud to be quit with you every day.
:Winner:
P.S. I will continue to call you sir too!
'army'
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Saw that today is 900 days for you.
Thanks for the texts, posting roll with me, meeting up for dinner and the example of just quitting.
Congratulations on 900. 'clap' 'clap' 'clap'
well done such a milestone
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Saw that today is 900 days for you.Â
Thanks for the texts, posting roll with me, meeting up for dinner and the example of just quitting.Â
Congratulations on 900. 'clap' 'clap' 'clap'
well done such a milestone
Thanks for all of your help rocket.
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This is some good quit-raderie, right here. (like camaradererie...but better).
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Congrats on great work to get to 900 days!!
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1200
oh this needs some bumpage
'BanDog'
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1200
oh this needs some bumpage
'BanDog'
Huge bump. Nice job my friend!
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1200
oh this needs some bumpage
'BanDog'
Huge bump. Nice job my friend!
Awesome!
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1200
oh this needs some bumpage
'BanDog'
Huge bump. Nice job my friend!
Awesome!
Congrats, sir.
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Love to see the commas roll through, gratz!
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1200
oh this needs some bumpage
'BanDog'
Huge bump. Nice job my friend!
Awesome!
Congrats, sir.
No surprises here. Brings the quit daily. Huge congrats.
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1200
oh this needs some bumpage
'BanDog'
Huge bump. Nice job my friend!
Awesome!
Congrats, sir.
No surprises here. Brings the quit daily. Huge congrats.
You celebrated your HOF as I restarted this board.
Don't ever let me catch you man. Nice fucking job.
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1200
oh this needs some bumpage
'BanDog'
Huge bump. Nice job my friend!
Awesome!
Congrats, sir.
No surprises here. Brings the quit daily. Huge congrats.
You celebrated your HOF as I restarted this board.
Don't ever let me catch you man. Nice fucking job.
U da man Rocket!!!!!! Looking forward to toast to our quits in PA!!!
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Much respect! You the man! Congrats!
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Still knocking it out of the park !
on the spooky 13th now
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Still knocking it out of the park !
on the spooky 13th now
Congrats, Rocketqueen.