KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: AddictArchitect on September 30, 2018, 03:21:43 PM
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I didn't think I was going to do an introduction, but I saw a message from a fellow August 18 brother that has inspired me to do so. Today, I get to post my day 13 because of yesterday. Yesterday was my day 12. And, it would have been my last day 12 this time. Lucy, lemme-splain....
As I read my fellow quit brother's post in September 18; as he is explaining how he has quit before on his own for sometimes extremely long stretches of time, I realized so had I. I have quit on mine own many, many, many times. Not years at a time like him, but to me long, long, stretches. I think the longest I ever did was 10 mos. on my own voluntarily. Either that or the military made me quit at some stretches. Other than that on my own, it's only been days or weeks or a couple of months at a time. Nothing permanent. And every single time, I thought, okay, that was a good one. Next time it'll be longer. Except, it never was. I had become a serial quitter. My rationale? "Ah, fuck it, I can quit anytime I want to, I've done it already before." What kind of sick, twisted rationale is that? All the while, my kids are growing up watching me. I'm the only one in my group that chews. I have to hide it more and more and the MONEY....the gobs and gobs of MONEY....Fuck me! All that MONEY, for a crap-tin that makes that all-familiar warn circle in my jean pockets, the stains in the car, my mother-in-law grabbing the wrong can at a family holiday party, bad breath, dried sprigs of crap all over my car, house...oh, and did I mention the smell?
I digress. Back to my original point. Yesterday would have been one of those times of me quitting my quit. I would not be posting a day 13 today if it were not for KTC. My quit feels different this time for sure. Yesterday was very rough for me. I was sitting at my desk in front of my computer drawing on a project trying to meet a deadline. I had a bad crave in the morning. Sort of hit me, but I remember somewhere that a crave lasts 3 minutes, watch the clock to get a sense of the time and it will pass. It did...WOW, COOL! (BTW, quitting on my own without that information before, I was already at the c-store buying a can with previous 'on-my-own-quits'). Little time passes and now I am fucked in the head.
My mind is going nuts. Previously, I used to draw on my computer and have my spit can next to me all day long and it was symbiotic. Not sure why I didn't put two and two together in my "plan" but, WHAM!! Was not prepared for my triggers...didn't know how bad a trigger this was going to be and now I do. Like I said, should have anticipated it because 2/3 of my day is spent doing this shit in front of my computer, but I didn't. So, my mind starts fucking with me big time..... 'You can get a can and start again tomorrow.' 'Fuck it!! The guys won't know if you get a can, have a couple and then post again later.' <---But, God and I would know. "So, what? You can take care of that later." my brain says..then, I say, "I care...my word has been shit for years now...this has to be different..." - "FUUCCCCKKKK!!" "Go to the store!" I think I even at one point thought of how I can have a dip and even hide it from God. How fucked up is that?
My favorite out of all of my addictive antics so far through what I thought was an hour but surely was only about 10 minutes or so was this one...I go upstairs, tell my wife that I have to go to the store and get some of the Jerky Chew fake stuff I've used before. But, and I ask, "Is it okay if I get a 'sneak can?'" (she calls it a 'sneak can' because on some of my so-called previous quits, she would find a can that I would sneak into my dresser, or workbench...one time I even hid one in the toilet tank, forgot she was awake and when she went to check up on me cuz she heard my drunk ass one night rub the porcelain lid against the tank trying to find my can...our family has a name for it, called the "sneak can") She said, "No! I'll go to the store for you." "What? No, you don't have to do that, hun. I can do it." She said, "No, give me the keys, I'll be back in 15 minutes cuz you're at a weak moment right now." It was right then she might as well have said, "I don't trust you." Fellas...when you feel like you don't have trust with your own wife?!?!...well, should I go on? So...there you have a picture of what yesterday mid-morning looked like for me. Day 3 was a walk in the park compared to yesterday.
So, wife at the store, I start to think back right before Memorial Day weekend. And, I remember some vet saying something about getting digits. I also replied to that vet saying something like, "I'd have to get my head around that." That seems weird to me and just doesn't sound normal. Doesn't sound normal? What a concept...this is the part where you, as the reader, take a pause and re-read the last two to three paragraphs above ^^^. What about ANYTHING IN THOSE TWO TO THREE PARAGRAPHS SOUNDS NORMAL TO YOU?!?!?!
Remembering about digits, I'm 12 days in and remember there's about a hand full of guys in my inbox that have PM'd me their numbers...unsolicited, I might add. So, with my wife at the store, my head all fucked up, nic bitch whispering sweet nothings, I go to my inbox and start writing some names and numbers down. I text one dude..."Hi, just AddictArchitect here. Thought I'd give this texting thing a shot." BAM!!! Not even 20 seconds, "What's up hoss? How ya holdin' up?" "Okay, having a rough morning...." and we're off! Having a conversation. So, think to myself, "Self, is there someone else I can possibly reach out to?" Self says, "Let's try." By the time the morning was over, had been texting on and off with three other quitters, giving me mostly tips and tricks...I was too fucked up to be helpful to them, but figure I pay it forward sometime later...went for a walk with the dog with Jerky in my lip. Began drawing again. Oh..forgot to mention...as some would attest to, I was also staying real close to the KTC website because as I said, was in front of my computer. Do you honestly believe I was getting any drawing done for these couple of hours?!?! Fuck no! And, no, did not make the deadline yesterday at all.
But, by the time 1:00 p.m. rolled around, I had made myself lunch, dog got walked, had jerky chew in my lip, was posting sweet nothings all over the KTC boards, and was still quit. More importantly, have 3 new brothers in my phone ready to help out in a pinch (yes, pun intended) AND, this morning I am posting my Lucky day 13...got a secret to tell you. It really wasn't luck, it was KTC.
Yesterday, I learned that KTC is going to be the difference this time in my quit. I refuse to fail again. I am going to gain my wife's trust again. God put me with you sorry bunch of quitting bastards because he needs some help getting my sorry ass out of the c-store and moving on. He doesn't want me to have this false idol mucking up my line of sight to him anymore. Rumor has it, God does not like other Gods before him. He can be testy that way.
So, long and short of all this ranting intro? Today, I get to post a day 13 because of KTC. I am confident that I would not be doing that today without the help of KTC yesterday, the day before and the days looking forward. Today, my quit is different then all the other quits I tried before. I get to watch other quitters board the HOF train as I work through my days as well. There is no 'sneak can' in my house today like there would have been in the past. And, I never want the term 'sneak can' to ever surface in my family's home ever again. I have quit brothers in my phone right now and I plan to have many more as the days roll on.
Advice I would give to anyone reading this? You joined KTC...KTC did not join you. You don't get to be like an illegal immigrant and come into KTC telling KTC how YOU are going to quit. KTC has it's own established community, culture and ways of doing things. You have to assimilate to that. If you do and do it with as very little kicking and screaming as possible...ahem Richard C....you will find KTC will embrace you, fight for you and rise up for you and your battles each and every day. I learned that yesterday...today is my day 13. GET THEM DIGITS YOU QUITTING BASTARDS!!!!
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I didn't think I was going to do an introduction, but I saw a message from a fellow August 18 brother that has inspired me to do so. Today, I get to post my day 13 because of yesterday. Yesterday was my day 12. And, it would have been my last day 12 this time. Lucy, lemme-splain....
As I read my fellow quit brother's post in September 18 (http://forum.killthecan.org/single/?p=12565956&t=30602339); as he is explaining how he has quit before on his own for sometimes extremely long stretches of time, I realized so had I. I have quit on mine own many, many, many times. Not years at a time like him, but to me long, long, stretches. I think the longest I ever did was 10 mos. on my own voluntarily. Either that or the military made me quit at some stretches. Other than that on my own, it's only been days or weeks or a couple of months at a time. Nothing permanent. And every single time, I thought, okay, that was a good one. Next time it'll be longer. Except, it never was. I had become a serial quitter. My rationale? "Ah, fuck it, I can quit anytime I want to, I've done it already before." What kind of sick, twisted rationale is that? All the while, my kids are growing up watching me. I'm the only one in my group that chews. I have to hide it more and more and the MONEY....the gobs and gobs of MONEY....Fuck me! All that MONEY, for a crap-tin that makes that all-familiar warn circle in my jean pockets, the stains in the car, my mother-in-law grabbing the wrong can at a family holiday party, bad breath, dried sprigs of crap all over my car, house...oh, and did I mention the smell?
I digress. Back to my original point. Yesterday would have been one of those times of me quitting my quit. I would not be posting a day 13 today if it were not for KTC. My quit feels different this time for sure. Yesterday was very rough for me. I was sitting at my desk in front of my computer drawing on a project trying to meet a deadline. I had a bad crave in the morning. Sort of hit me, but I remember somewhere that a crave lasts 3 minutes, watch the clock to get a sense of the time and it will pass. It did...WOW, COOL! (BTW, quitting on my own without that information before, I was already at the c-store buying a can with previous 'on-my-own-quits'). Little time passes and now I am fucked in the head.
My mind is going nuts. Previously, I used to draw on my computer and have my spit can next to me all day long and it was symbiotic. Not sure why I didn't put two and two together in my "plan" but, WHAM!! Was not prepared for my triggers...didn't know how bad a trigger this was going to be and now I do. Like I said, should have anticipated it because 2/3 of my day is spent doing this shit in front of my computer, but I didn't. So, my mind starts fucking with me big time..... 'You can get a can and start again tomorrow.' 'Fuck it!! The guys won't know if you get a can, have a couple and then post again later.' ---But, God and I would know. "So, what? You can take care of that later." my brain says..then, I say, "I care...my word has been shit for years now...this has to be different..." - "FUUCCCCKKKK!!" "Go to the store!" I think I even at one point thought of how I can have a dip and even hide it from God. How fucked up is that?
My favorite out of all of my addictive antics so far through what I thought was an hour but surely was only about 10 minutes or so was this one...I go upstairs, tell my wife that I have to go to the store and get some of the Jerky Chew fake stuff I've used before. But, and I ask, "Is it okay if I get a 'sneak can?'" (she calls it a 'sneak can' because on some of my so-called previous quits, she would find a can that I would sneak into my dresser, or workbench...one time I even hid one in the toilet tank, forgot she was awake and when she went to check up on me cuz she heard my drunk ass one night rub the porcelain lid against the tank trying to find my can...our family has a name for it, called the "sneak can") She said, "No! I'll go to the store for you." "What? No, you don't have to do that, hun. I can do it." She said, "No, give me the keys, I'll be back in 15 minutes cuz you're at a weak moment right now." It was right then she might as well have said, "I don't trust you." Fellas...when you feel like you don't have trust with your own wife?!?!...well, should I go on? So...there you have a picture of what yesterday mid-morning looked like for me. Day 3 was a walk in the park compared to yesterday.
So, wife at the store, I start to think back right before Memorial Day weekend. And, I remember some vet saying something about getting digits. I also replied to that vet saying something like, "I'd have to get my head around that." That seems weird to me and just doesn't sound normal. Doesn't sound normal? What a concept...this is the part where you, as the reader, take a pause and re-read the last two to three paragraphs above ^^^. What about ANYTHING IN THOSE TWO TO THREE PARAGRAPHS SOUNDS NORMAL TO YOU?!?!?!
Remembering about digits, I'm 12 days in and remember there's about a hand full of guys in my inbox that have PM'd me their numbers...unsolicited, I might add. So, with my wife at the store, my head all fucked up, nic bitch whispering sweet nothings, I go to my inbox and start writing some names and numbers down. I text one dude..."Hi, just AddictArchitect here. Thought I'd give this texting thing a shot." BAM!!! Not even 20 seconds, "What's up hoss? How ya holdin' up?" "Okay, having a rough morning...." and we're off! Having a conversation. So, think to myself, "Self, is there someone else I can possibly reach out to?" Self says, "Let's try." By the time the morning was over, had been texting on and off with three other quitters, giving me mostly tips and tricks...I was too fucked up to be helpful to them, but figure I pay it forward sometime later...went for a walk with the dog with Jerky in my lip. Began drawing again. Oh..forgot to mention...as some would attest to, I was also staying real close to the KTC website because as I said, was in front of my computer. Do you honestly believe I was getting any drawing done for these couple of hours?!?! Fuck no! And, no, did not make the deadline yesterday at all.
But, by the time 1:00 p.m. rolled around, I had made myself lunch, dog got walked, had jerky chew in my lip, was posting sweet nothings all over the KTC boards, and was still quit. More importantly, have 3 new brothers in my phone ready to help out in a pinch (yes, pun intended) AND, this morning I am posting my Lucky day 13...got a secret to tell you. It really wasn't luck, it was KTC.
Yesterday, I learned that KTC is going to be the difference this time in my quit. I refuse to fail again. I am going to gain my wife's trust again. God put me with you sorry bunch of quitting bastards because he needs some help getting my sorry ass out of the c-store and moving on. He doesn't want me to have this false idol mucking up my line of sight to him anymore. Rumor has it, God does not like other Gods before him. He can be testy that way.
So, long and short of all this ranting intro? Today, I get to post a day 13 because of KTC. I am confident that I would not be doing that today without the help of KTC yesterday, the day before and the days looking forward. Today, my quit is different then all the other quits I tried before. I get to watch other quitters board the HOF train as I work through my days as well. There is no 'sneak can' in my house today like there would have been in the past. And, I never want the term 'sneak can' to ever surface in my family's home ever again. I have quit brothers in my phone right now and I plan to have many more as the days roll on.
Advice I would give to anyone reading this? You joined KTC...KTC did not join you. You don't get to be like an illegal immigrant and come into KTC telling KTC how YOU are going to quit. KTC has it's own established community, culture and ways of doing things. You have to assimilate to that. If you do and do it with as very little kicking and screaming as possible...ahem Richard C....you will find KTC will embrace you, fight for you and rise up for you and your battles each and every day. I learned that yesterday...today is my day 13. GET THEM DIGITS YOU QUITTING BASTARDS!!!!
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I love it man, great story! ItÂ’s always fun to see when someone gets it. The more you dig in here, the harder it is to fail. Keep building those defenses and tacking on days.
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I...I....I think I love you
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I...I....I think I love you
Then it's going to have to be a threesome, Athan... roflmao
That was good stuff, AA.
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Awesome stuff bro! Keep posting and stay close to Ktc. Name of the game is Odaat! Number is a pm away. Thanks for your service
Pab 1254
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I didn't think I was going to do an introduction, but I saw a message from a fellow August 18 brother that has inspired me to do so. Today, I get to post my day 13 because of yesterday. Yesterday was my day 12. And, it would have been my last day 12 this time. Lucy, lemme-splain....
As I read my fellow quit brother's post in September 18 (http://forum.killthecan.org/single/?p=12565956&t=30602339); as he is explaining how he has quit before on his own for sometimes extremely long stretches of time, I realized so had I. I have quit on mine own many, many, many times. Not years at a time like him, but to me long, long, stretches. I think the longest I ever did was 10 mos. on my own voluntarily. Either that or the military made me quit at some stretches. Other than that on my own, it's only been days or weeks or a couple of months at a time. Nothing permanent. And every single time, I thought, okay, that was a good one. Next time it'll be longer. Except, it never was. I had become a serial quitter. My rationale? "Ah, fuck it, I can quit anytime I want to, I've done it already before." What kind of sick, twisted rationale is that? All the while, my kids are growing up watching me. I'm the only one in my group that chews. I have to hide it more and more and the MONEY....the gobs and gobs of MONEY....Fuck me! All that MONEY, for a crap-tin that makes that all-familiar warn circle in my jean pockets, the stains in the car, my mother-in-law grabbing the wrong can at a family holiday party, bad breath, dried sprigs of crap all over my car, house...oh, and did I mention the smell?
I digress. Back to my original point. Yesterday would have been one of those times of me quitting my quit. I would not be posting a day 13 today if it were not for KTC. My quit feels different this time for sure. Yesterday was very rough for me. I was sitting at my desk in front of my computer drawing on a project trying to meet a deadline. I had a bad crave in the morning. Sort of hit me, but I remember somewhere that a crave lasts 3 minutes, watch the clock to get a sense of the time and it will pass. It did...WOW, COOL! (BTW, quitting on my own without that information before, I was already at the c-store buying a can with previous 'on-my-own-quits'). Little time passes and now I am fucked in the head.
My mind is going nuts. Previously, I used to draw on my computer and have my spit can next to me all day long and it was symbiotic. Not sure why I didn't put two and two together in my "plan" but, WHAM!! Was not prepared for my triggers...didn't know how bad a trigger this was going to be and now I do. Like I said, should have anticipated it because 2/3 of my day is spent doing this shit in front of my computer, but I didn't. So, my mind starts fucking with me big time..... 'You can get a can and start again tomorrow.' 'Fuck it!! The guys won't know if you get a can, have a couple and then post again later.' ---But, God and I would know. "So, what? You can take care of that later." my brain says..then, I say, "I care...my word has been shit for years now...this has to be different..." - "FUUCCCCKKKK!!" "Go to the store!" I think I even at one point thought of how I can have a dip and even hide it from God. How fucked up is that?
My favorite out of all of my addictive antics so far through what I thought was an hour but surely was only about 10 minutes or so was this one...I go upstairs, tell my wife that I have to go to the store and get some of the Jerky Chew fake stuff I've used before. But, and I ask, "Is it okay if I get a 'sneak can?'" (she calls it a 'sneak can' because on some of my so-called previous quits, she would find a can that I would sneak into my dresser, or workbench...one time I even hid one in the toilet tank, forgot she was awake and when she went to check up on me cuz she heard my drunk ass one night rub the porcelain lid against the tank trying to find my can...our family has a name for it, called the "sneak can") She said, "No! I'll go to the store for you." "What? No, you don't have to do that, hun. I can do it." She said, "No, give me the keys, I'll be back in 15 minutes cuz you're at a weak moment right now." It was right then she might as well have said, "I don't trust you." Fellas...when you feel like you don't have trust with your own wife?!?!...well, should I go on? So...there you have a picture of what yesterday mid-morning looked like for me. Day 3 was a walk in the park compared to yesterday.
So, wife at the store, I start to think back right before Memorial Day weekend. And, I remember some vet saying something about getting digits. I also replied to that vet saying something like, "I'd have to get my head around that." That seems weird to me and just doesn't sound normal. Doesn't sound normal? What a concept...this is the part where you, as the reader, take a pause and re-read the last two to three paragraphs above ^^^. What about ANYTHING IN THOSE TWO TO THREE PARAGRAPHS SOUNDS NORMAL TO YOU?!?!?!
Remembering about digits, I'm 12 days in and remember there's about a hand full of guys in my inbox that have PM'd me their numbers...unsolicited, I might add. So, with my wife at the store, my head all fucked up, nic bitch whispering sweet nothings, I go to my inbox and start writing some names and numbers down. I text one dude..."Hi, just AddictArchitect here. Thought I'd give this texting thing a shot." BAM!!! Not even 20 seconds, "What's up hoss? How ya holdin' up?" "Okay, having a rough morning...." and we're off! Having a conversation. So, think to myself, "Self, is there someone else I can possibly reach out to?" Self says, "Let's try." By the time the morning was over, had been texting on and off with three other quitters, giving me mostly tips and tricks...I was too fucked up to be helpful to them, but figure I pay it forward sometime later...went for a walk with the dog with Jerky in my lip. Began drawing again. Oh..forgot to mention...as some would attest to, I was also staying real close to the KTC website because as I said, was in front of my computer. Do you honestly believe I was getting any drawing done for these couple of hours?!?! Fuck no! And, no, did not make the deadline yesterday at all.
But, by the time 1:00 p.m. rolled around, I had made myself lunch, dog got walked, had jerky chew in my lip, was posting sweet nothings all over the KTC boards, and was still quit. More importantly, have 3 new brothers in my phone ready to help out in a pinch (yes, pun intended) AND, this morning I am posting my Lucky day 13...got a secret to tell you. It really wasn't luck, it was KTC.
Yesterday, I learned that KTC is going to be the difference this time in my quit. I refuse to fail again. I am going to gain my wife's trust again. God put me with you sorry bunch of quitting bastards because he needs some help getting my sorry ass out of the c-store and moving on. He doesn't want me to have this false idol mucking up my line of sight to him anymore. Rumor has it, God does not like other Gods before him. He can be testy that way.
So, long and short of all this ranting intro? Today, I get to post a day 13 because of KTC. I am confident that I would not be doing that today without the help of KTC yesterday, the day before and the days looking forward. Today, my quit is different then all the other quits I tried before. I get to watch other quitters board the HOF train as I work through my days as well. There is no 'sneak can' in my house today like there would have been in the past. And, I never want the term 'sneak can' to ever surface in my family's home ever again. I have quit brothers in my phone right now and I plan to have many more as the days roll on.
Advice I would give to anyone reading this? You joined KTC...KTC did not join you. You don't get to be like an illegal immigrant and come into KTC telling KTC how YOU are going to quit. KTC has it's own established community, culture and ways of doing things. You have to assimilate to that. If you do and do it with as very little kicking and screaming as possible...ahem Richard C....you will find KTC will embrace you, fight for you and rise up for you and your battles each and every day. I learned that yesterday...today is my day 13. GET THEM DIGITS YOU QUITTING BASTARDS!!!!
Great Read man!!!!!
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This intro checked off so many boxes in my head. We all have similar stories and are all here pushing through that suck. Thanks for sharing this. Proud as hell to be quit with you.
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Hear! Hear! The whole story sounds all too familiar. Glad to quit with you. Thank you for your service!
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Getting close to un chartered quit waters.....never been past 7 months in 30 years....222 qlf
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DAY 237
Officially now into unchartered quit waters. Never been quit this long, never felt this strong in my quit. KTC works people, I continue to feel gratitude and honor towards a complete set of strangers who help save my life one day at a time. Thanks KTC