KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: YogiBear257 on February 26, 2013, 12:32:00 PM
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Hello everyone!
My name is Nick and I'm a recent college grad and been working for about 2 years now. I am addicted to dipping and have been for the last 4 years.
I tried it once while in Jr. High and absolutely hated it. Skoal Cherry. Had me dizzy, I had to be propped up against a tree and I fell up a hill. Was too much and it smelled disgusting and I htought that was that.
When I to college, I became an RA, joined a fraternity, and took extra classes for my Major/Minor. Some family and relationship issues came up and as people are prone to do, I picke dup a habit. Actually two habits. In high school I was a star football athlete but injuries kept me from progressing. I took care of my body and didn't touch things which were harmful to me. In college though, I had let myself go. Fueled by stress, anxiety, paranoia, low self-esteem, I decided to take a lip from a resident. And it was fanfrickentastic. The buzz. The rush. The feeling of the mint in my mouth.
2 years later, nearly half of my fraternity dipped, I noticed an increasing amount of my residents (year to year) dipped and I was able to freely exchange, bum a lip, etc. Originally I was at a tin every two weeks. When Skoal Edge came out I was doing a tin a week. I have hit the point where I am at a tin a day and some days it's two a day. I had slowed my progress a year ago in the summer but during one night of revelry, a friend introduced me to upper liping. The intensity was like a first time buzz all over again and it was absolutely wonderful. So I began the fast track to spending a lot of money, watching my gums recede, and my car and hygiene become a mess.
I spoke with a friend who is a counselor the other day who turned me on to the Maryland helpline and I said enough si enough, I'm doing it. It doesn't do anything for me beside a 20 minute buzz (I alternate brands and cuts so I keep my buzz fresh every week). I stress over finances and here I am blowing through $50+ a month. I'll need a gum graph as soon as I am financially better and it's just a headache I want gone. I am doing a number of things to improve myself and the people who care about me, even the fraternity guys who dip say I need to slow and cut my roll.
Can't wait to share, converse, get to know people, and get to celebrate some fresh gums!
BTW, Eagles fans I share in your pain. Tough Mudders in here, I also share in your pain!
It's my first full day and my lower jaw is aching and I am jonesing like a felon. I know I'm going to say no but damnit! This sucks! Lol
Nick
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Special thanks to Tool Shed for linking me to over here where I can get the dipper's approach to quitting rather than smoker's.
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Hey Yogi welcome aboard! I am quit for 63 days today and want to tell you that you can be quit with the support of this group. I was in the chat room several times a day during the first couple of weeks of my quit. Syill get on about every day. Drinking lots of water, putting some fake chew into my mouth, and keeping my bitching on line as much aas possible has enaabled me and my family to make it through this first nine weeks of quit. I am quitting after 53 years of nicotine. You can be quit now. Nicotine probably gave me bladder cancer. That does not need to happen to you. I am now quit with you for today.
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welcome Yogi.....and you got mail.
Just remember how much this sucks right now. And let this fuel your desire to quit and to stay quit day after day, just 1 at a time. Don't look to tomorrow, just look for today. And in doing that, make it a successful day and repeat tomorrow.
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Thanks guys.
Repsonded to the PM then.
I felt confident and ready to kick it. I posted. Felt awesome about it for about 15 minutes then the fidgets and longing starting. I'm not going to do it, I'm going to stick this through but damn...especially the tingle in the base of my jaw
I know this is cold turkey here and this may be the first few days progress of this speaking but...is Jake's or Smokey Mtn seen as a crutch or a tool?
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I know this is cold turkey here and this may be the first few days progress of this speaking but...is Jake's or Smokey Mtn seen as a crutch or a tool?
Anything you need so long as it doesn't have nicotine.
I just had lunch and am jonesing, but I ain't gonna do it because that crap ain't going in my mouth again. God is on my side, too, because even if wanted to go out and get my tobacco of choice, I would have to walk about 3 blocks in a 20 mph wind with a snow and rain mix. Talk about help from above (though the old me would be tying my boots right now and justifying how there is nothing wrong with going out in the middle of a horrible winter storm to pay $6 for a product that says "WARNING: This product may cause mouth cancer" on the label in giant letters).
One thing I wanted to note is that I "stopped" once but this time since I am actually quitting I am implementing bigger lifestyle changes - for instance I switched to a diet of oatmeal/fresh juice/a banana for breakfast and I have only had salads for lunch and dinner with a very little bit of cut Korean flavored beef (maybe 2 ounces) last night with dinner. My cravings aren't as bad post-meal after I eat that lighter stuff, but I guarantee you that if I had a big heavy steak or cheeseburger, the craving would be unbearable. I think a lighter, more veggie heavy diet will help cleanse me out faster, too. I used to have like a sausage biscuit for breakfast, a burger for lunch and then steak/pork chops or something heavy for dinner and a lipper just topped off each one of those meals for me - I don't want to have any of those sorts of triggers until I get a few more days in and actually I need to clean up my eating in a major way anyway because my cholesterol is getting too high.
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I know this is cold turkey here and this may be the first few days progress of this speaking but...is Jake's or Smokey Mtn seen as a crutch or a tool?
Anything you need so long as it doesn't have nicotine.
I just had lunch and am jonesing, but I ain't gonna do it because that crap ain't going in my mouth again. God is on my side, too, because even if wanted to go out and get my tobacco of choice, I would have to walk about 3 blocks in a 20 mph wind with a snow and rain mix. Talk about help from above (though the old me would be tying my boots right now and justifying how there is nothing wrong with going out in the middle of a horrible winter storm to pay $6 for a product that says "WARNING: This product may cause mouth cancer" on the label in giant letters).
One thing I wanted to note is that I "stopped" once but this time since I am actually quitting I am implementing bigger lifestyle changes - for instance I switched to a diet of oatmeal/fresh juice/a banana for breakfast and I have only had salads for lunch and dinner with a very little bit of cut Korean flavored beef (maybe 2 ounces) last night with dinner. My cravings aren't as bad post-meal after I eat that lighter stuff, but I guarantee you that if I had a big heavy steak or cheeseburger, the craving would be unbearable. I think a lighter, more veggie heavy diet will help cleanse me out faster, too. I used to have like a sausage biscuit for breakfast, a burger for lunch and then steak/pork chops or something heavy for dinner and a lipper just topped off each one of those meals for me - I don't want to have any of those sorts of triggers until I get a few more days in and actually I need to clean up my eating in a major way anyway because my cholesterol is getting too high.
ok in regards to the fake....
you will find 2 paths of thought from the members.
the one is that using the fake resembles the real, and now a days almost seems too real. Those that feel this way quit it all.
then there are those, of which I am a part of, that did believe in using the fake. And to use it in the initial stages to break the hold that the ADDICTION of NICOTENE has on us. Once that is done then we work on getting rid of the HABIT of having something in our lip. Now from my personal experience I used the fake heavily up til about day 70 or so, then it sort of just faded away as now I have a tin that I opened on Jan 7th (I dated it) and it is still 1/4 full. So only use it when the feeling is at its worst.
there is no right thought as both are valid, both ways keep nicotene out of your body. It is a personal decision as either way we all need to be vigilant to be quit.
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Summers,
I was a drive dipper. I have a decent commute to work (hour plus each way) so it's plenty of time to lip a half or more of a tin.
I'm also cutting back on drinking in order to stop that. In order to slow down drinking I'd convince myself to put down the beers and put in a lip to hold a buzz and not dip so much. Nasty little cycle that is!
Already ordered my replacement mint stuff.
Derek,
Yea I saw this sort of duality here and am kind of ping ponging off of ideas. I ordered replacement mint and had that coupon to get 10% off so just got 10 tins.
Never again will I scrounge dimes from beneath my dip covered floor in order to scavange enough for a tin of Longhorn! Lol...
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Day 1 into 2 sucked. Horribly. I have never felt aching like that in my jaw. My body/mind knows i'm quiting and is giving me a fuck you bitch.
Well I bought some Smokey Mountain classic to help. Sensation is similiar...ish...but holy hell the smell and taste for the classic is bad. Wowzers.
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Day 1 into 2 sucked. Horribly. I have never felt aching like that in my jaw. My body/mind knows i'm quiting and is giving me a fuck you bitch.
Well I bought some Smokey Mountain classic to help. Sensation is similiar...ish...but holy hell the smell and taste for the classic is bad. Wowzers.
Everyday is a victory. Keep up the great work man. Pretty soon you will be sailing. Taking your life back from the can is a bitch. But it is worth it. You gotta do the work man. Keep posting roll, and keeping that promise. PM me if you need anything.
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Day 2.
Not nearly as bad as I expected to wake to. I almost feel I may have psyched myself out by overthinking. I'm just saying No and rolling with it. And rolling that fucking tin out of my life.
Funny though, damn SMokey Mountain is messier than a tin of Cope Southern Blend in the car!
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Day 3
I have fought the urge to beat a lady with my lean steak burrito because she took 25 seconds too long in line. Also noticed that before, while dipping, I oculd never see a sale for tins, and today every brand was on sale.
Did it make me want a lip? Honestly? Not at all!
But it did make me want to snap, lose my cool, and strike a fucker or fifteen.
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Day 3
I have fought the urge to beat a lady with my lean steak burrito because she took 25 seconds too long in line. Also noticed that before, while dipping, I oculd never see a sale for tins, and today every brand was on sale.
Did it make me want a lip? Honestly? Not at all!
But it did make me want to snap, lose my cool, and strike a fucker or fifteen.
Keep up the good work brother. One Day at a time, keep an eye on the prize 24 hours of quit. Come back and do it again. Proud to be quit with you. QLF today
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Day 3
I have fought the urge to beat a lady with my lean steak burrito because she took 25 seconds too long in line. Also noticed that before, while dipping, I oculd never see a sale for tins, and today every brand was on sale.
Did it make me want a lip? Honestly? Not at all!
But it did make me want to snap, lose my cool, and strike a fucker or fifteen.
Keep up the good work brother. One Day at a time, keep an eye on the prize 24 hours of quit. Come back and do it again. Proud to be quit with you. QLF today
Honestly I don't see anything wrong with using your burrito as a weapon. Even just threatening to may resolve a hostile situation. I suggest open carry, not concealed, as you may want to threaten others simply by letting them know you have one.
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Good job on your quit bro. Im on day 4 and doing great. You have a really positive attitude, i think maintaining that day to day is the difference between success and relapse. Be quit, stay quit!
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Thanks guys!
I use humor a lot to do things and get through.
Need it today. Cause the headline about me when I bust someone's ass up with a bag of sugar in the office is going to be a real winner!
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WAY TO BE YOGI!!! this is mad suck day! get through today and its all in your head! day 4 for me, i know how it feels bro, fight the rage and remember the suck, my favorite saying from this site, remember the suck!!!
Stay quit bro!
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When you say Remember the Suck, I instantly think of desirable activities provided by a person's lady (or for some guy) of choice.
Yea I feel better now. Mmmmmmm
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Attitude is everything, Cannaday. There is a great quote about it...it is the attitude you have when you start something that largely determines your success.
Ok, I may have butchered that quote a little. I saw it on one of those motivational posters at the fake art and poster store in the mall...and, at that time, all I really wanted to do was to get my ass out of the fake art and poster store in the mall. So, sorry if I didn't get it just right.
But, it's true. Just DECIDE that you will enjoy this. Embrace the suck. Turn the tables on the Nic Bitch. Laugh at the phony justifications, rationalizations, excuse-making bullshit you used to do. It is like when Sugar Ray released that song, "I Just Want to Fly." That sucked. And it was on the radio EVERY OTHER EFFING SONG. So, I turned the tables on the disc jockeys and decided that I would like it more and more each time I heard it. The more they played it, the happier I got. They couldn't beat me. It was a tough Summer, tough decision and even tougher to execute, but I made it though. Now I listen to sports radio and Sugar Ray hasn't put out another stupid song. I call that success.
So, just DECIDE that you will embrace the suck. Each crave is an opportunity to kick the Nic Bitch in the nuts again. Embrace your new freedom. Pretty soon, you'll get past the withdrawals (both physical and mental) but you'll never be cured of addiction. You'll always be an addict. Some people get depressed to think about that. Not me...everyday is another opportunity to kick the Nic Bitch in the nuts and go about my day. If I didn't have addition to crush each morning, I'd have to kick the shit out of someone else. I'd probably be in jail if I weren't an addict. So that makes my addiction a great thing. See what I mean? Have fun with it. PM me if you need an attitude adjustment.
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Day 3
I have fought the urge to beat a lady with my lean steak burrito because she took 25 seconds too long in line. Also noticed that before, while dipping, I oculd never see a sale for tins, and today every brand was on sale.
Did it make me want a lip? Honestly? Not at all!
But it did make me want to snap, lose my cool, and strike a fucker or fifteen.
Keep up the good work brother. One Day at a time, keep an eye on the prize 24 hours of quit. Come back and do it again. Proud to be quit with you. QLF today
Honestly I don't see anything wrong with using your burrito as a weapon. Even just threatening to may resolve a hostile situation. I suggest open carry, not concealed, as you may want to threaten others simply by letting them know you have one.
Where I am from, use of a burrito as a weapon is both a sin and jailable offense! Pancheros= Yummmmmmmmmmm!!! shocker
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You just referenced a burrito while giving the shocker.
You must meet some adventurous ladies! How much will a plane ticket cost me?
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You just referenced a burrito while giving the shocker.
You must meet some adventurous ladies! How much will a plane ticket cost me?
Don't worry about it yogster! now that you aint gonna have nasty teeth and a mouth not packed full of sh!t, all them hott ladies be flockin bro! you'll be able to buy all the burritos you want! ;)
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You just referenced a burrito while giving the shocker.
You must meet some adventurous ladies! How much will a plane ticket cost me?
Now looking back at that post........shocker might not have bee the best emoticon to use. LOL!!!
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You just referenced a burrito while giving the shocker.
You must meet some adventurous ladies! How much will a plane ticket cost me?
Now looking back at that post........shocker might not have bee the best emoticon to use. LOL!!!
Probably need this one if you're talking about Pancheros. 'puking'
You've got to pump it up.
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You just referenced a burrito while giving the shocker.
You must meet some adventurous ladies! How much will a plane ticket cost me?
Now looking back at that post........shocker might not have bee the best emoticon to use. LOL!!!
Probably need this one if you're talking about Pancheros. 'puking'
You've got to pump it up.
are you a Hawk?
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You just referenced a burrito while giving the shocker.
You must meet some adventurous ladies! How much will a plane ticket cost me?
Now looking back at that post........shocker might not have bee the best emoticon to use. LOL!!!
Probably need this one if you're talking about Pancheros. 'puking'
You've got to pump it up.
are you a Hawk?
Yep. Pretty damn hard right now.
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You just referenced a burrito while giving the shocker.
You must meet some adventurous ladies! How much will a plane ticket cost me?
Now looking back at that post........shocker might not have bee the best emoticon to use. LOL!!!
Probably need this one if you're talking about Pancheros. 'puking'
You've got to pump it up.
are you a Hawk?
Yep. Pretty damn hard right now.
Yogi, you still here? I see you haven't posted for a few days. Let us know what's up. Many folks are here to support you man, I just PM'ed you, send me your number if you need a text or call. I know I directed you here from quit for life and I want you to succeed. Reach out.
Tool Shed
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Tool,
No worries man! I told a few guys I may be helter skelter this.weeekeend.
Will post roll.call today.
Cause ya ka know....
Im on.Day 6! Fuck yea!
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Tool,
No worries man! I told a few guys I may be helter skelter this.weeekeend.
Will post roll.call today.
Cause ya ka know....
Im on.Day 6! Fuck yea!
Good deal Yogi, thanks for getting back. Glad all is well and let me know if you need anything.
Shed
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Heya guys, can I get people in chat? Not for me but for someone else. ASAP.
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So Update time since I wasn't really on the comp much outside of work this weekend:
Day 3: Hell. I was angry. I was irritable. I wanted to snap constantly. Pushed through though. You guys in chat were awesome, especially by helping me laugh.
Day 4: Started very good. Felt completely...different. Then at around 12:30-ish it hit. The fog. I felt like I was wandering. I wante doranges. I wanted to watch Harry Potter. I wanted a bath. I wanted to run. I wanted to sleep. My mind race dliked that constantly but I couldn't focus or narrow down. Didn't want dip, just wanted to focus.
Day 5: Much better off. Hit a kind of funk during my drive but it wasn't awful. Alternated Jake's Cranberry and Wintergreen. Wish the cranberry had more cranberry tart flavor! This day was cake.
Day 6: Was a little edgy in the morning but I think that was mostly just catching up on sleep and oversleeping. No craving. Only had one lip of Jake's.
Day 7: Starting really well. I want to work. My jaw doesn't ache, my gums feel good, I swear my teeth look brighter. I'm liking this whole deal. And still no want for the nasty.
BTW thank you to all those that came in last night to help out our brother. I am hoping we helped.
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Thanks for the update yogi. It is great to be quit with you today.
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Lads,
Your favorite big bear here, boys. Yea, I've been doing roll but I know I've been kind of absent and quiet. Had a bit of a roller coaster week+ here.
I firstly want to thank ZTravis and J Haenel for keeping up with me. You guys have been awesome.
So I've been having a tough time with my job as of late. I'm not super happy with my company, I work as a GIS Technician, and am a remote-access guy at a client's office. Well, my company is small and is focused more on programming and developing whereas I do Analyst and in-map solutions rather than application development.
Well after 1.75 years, I got the news Friday that I will be done in 3 weeks. My primary project had a budget slashing and without tech work to be done, I'm on the out.
This weekend was tough and I flew through my Jake's. And I tried an experiment; I tried thinking about wanting dip. About a lip of Cope Southern Blend and that sweet grainy plug- and I started gagging and my body and mind said nope, give us Jake's. And it was awesome and I felt it was a great victory.
I know I came in here with a flurry and got really involved and then just kind of up and left. I just got side tracked with life worries such as moving and jobs (I was planning on leaving anyway but wanted to do so in my time and not in 3 weeks).
I will work better at keeping in the loop because my quit is worth it, your quit is worth it, and anyone else who hasn't made their first post but will is worth it.
We quit together. And I just wanted to say thank you to you all. I may not have caved or crashed or what have you, but I had some shitty ass time and there were guys making sure I was OK. Not just for dip but for life.
And if guys here can resist the urge to dip through job loss, loss of loved ones, accidents, etc....you wanna be cavers for exams and deadlines need to suck it the fuck up. Pussy.
:-*
I went to AA meetings once upon a time and they were the most self-loathing depressive cry fests. I tmade me want to guzzle gin and go fuck that. I came here expecting the same. I was wrong. We take the step ourselves with our heads high and look to the left and right and our brothrs are there too. Not being a pity party but being strong and real. Get quit. Get the nic out. Get your life right.
Thank you to you all so far and may we enjoy continued victory,
Nick
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We quit together. And I just wanted to say thank you to you all. I may not have caved or crashed or what have you, but I had some shitty ass time and there were guys making sure I was OK. Not just for dip but for life.
You will get to know some of the best friends you will ever have if you stick around. This place is amazing!!!
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Update:
Morning everyone. Time for my weekly update.
I'm a mess. Not just with the effects of the quit but with a lot of life issues and my handling of them. 24 days quit, yes, but the mountain I have been hiding from is starting to crumble on me and I am honestly afraid, confused, lost, angry, etc.
I have been putting my girl through absolute hell for a number of reasons. Honesty, behavior, alcohol, lies, it's this web of fuck and she deserves so much better and I truly fear that last night may have been the final nail. Whether for her or myself. I drank and it hit really hard. And it was ugly. I was ugly.
I have struggled with alcohol before and unlike dip, I held on to the I want to be able to have 2 beers. I have done AA before and I will say this, I absolutely hate and despise the AA mentality and kick yourself down, I am so powerless mentality. I want to quit dip outright. I don't want to quit alcohol and not be able to have a beer. But I am now facing that I simply may not be able to. I have run to the bottle or can so many times when I am upset or anxious in order to get that happy buzz and I progressively had 2 beers more and more once I quit. I hid this vice trading from myself. I took the shame of it out on her in many ways. Not just with the addiction and the effects but it caused me to hide all sorts of things. I thought me hiding it was a means to not hurt her but my actions and lack of actions were doing more damage than I could have possibly understood.
I am depressed. I am angry. It's not just the dip. It's this fucking mountain. I receieved notice I'd be out of a job on Good Friday, then notice that now it's been extended to the 12th. Good news as it allows me to find something new. It's only a job and not a life definer but it is still stressful. Part of me is looking at it as a slate clean and I can leave and go start elsewhere on my own where I can find out how I need to do things. I feel like I am just floundering about and allowing myself to be distracted and to hurt others because of it.
Dip, alcohol, going from always wanting sex to now not wanting any, lack of diet, hiding things, being unable to open, what step to take first, resentment of myself and others, there are these barriers that I know I am in control to break down and remove but I don't know where to start. Yes I know man up and do it but everytime I've done it before I've burnt myself out after 2 weeks and slipped.
I don't know what the fuck has happened to me in the last few years. I've lied, cheated, swindled, been a drunk coward, an asshole, and a manipulative fuck and I justified it all as doing so to not hurt others. And it's been the exact opposite.
I don't know what I need. A shoulder. A clinic. Do not say religion please. I am not aethiest (I categorize myself as a Universal Creationalist) but I do not want to use religion. I want to use myself and a tool and I do not see faith in that as a tool.
I am just ranting and I am all over the place. I just need to type. To express. I'll likely add more as the day goes on. I am on the verge of a mental collapse. I can't explain it but I feel like any day is the day the anxiety will hit and I'll have some sort of attack.
I am seriously considering either moving new and on my own bc everything feels so fucking broken and I doubt anyone can or wants to truly forgive me. Especially her now. Do I take the loss of a job, postpone all my bills for a month and do part of my dream, which the Appalachian trail?
Fuck. I don't know what I need. I need something. Swift kick in the ass is here but it's where the fuck do I land and walk to after.
It's to the point that every day on my drive back from work I ask for an accident where someone clips me or the like. Not for death. Not at all. I enjoy life and don't plan on ever dying. (Favorite quote is " I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to")
My credit is fucking bunked now. I'm behind on nearly every payment possible. Financially I am destroyed bc of the past 2 years and now emotionally with myself and with others I am completely broken.
For the first real time in my life, I can say this.
I am afraid.
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Edited previous.
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Update:
Morning everyone. Time for my weekly update.
I'm a mess. Not just with the effects of the quit but with a lot of life issues and my handling of them. 24 days quit, yes, but the mountain I have been hiding from is starting to crumble on me and I am honestly afraid, confused, lost, angry, etc.
I have been putting my girl through absolute hell for a number of reasons. Honesty, behavior, alcohol, lies, it's this web of fuck and she deserves so much better and I truly fear that last night may have been the final nail. Whether for her or myself. I drank and it hit really hard. And it was ugly. I was ugly.
I have struggled with alcohol before and unlike dip, I held on to the I want to be able to have 2 beers. I have done AA before and I will say this, I absolutely hate and despise the AA mentality and kick yourself down, I am so powerless mentality. I want to quit dip outright. I don't want to quit alcohol and not be able to have a beer. But I am now facing that I simply may not be able to. I have run to the bottle or can so many times when I am upset or anxious in order to get that happy buzz and I progressively had 2 beers more and more once I quit. I hid this vice trading from myself. I took the shame of it out on her in many ways. Not just with the addiction and the effects but it caused me to hide all sorts of things. I thought me hiding it was a means to not hurt her but my actions and lack of actions were doing more damage than I could have possibly understood.
I am depressed. I am angry. It's not just the dip. It's this fucking mountain. I receieved notice I'd be out of a job on Good Friday, then notice that now it's been extended to the 12th. Good news as it allows me to find something new. It's only a job and not a life definer but it is still stressful. Part of me is looking at it as a slate clean and I can leave and go start elsewhere on my own where I can find out how I need to do things. I feel like I am just floundering about and allowing myself to be distracted and to hurt others because of it.
Dip, alcohol, going from always wanting sex to now not wanting any, lack of diet, hiding things, being unable to open, what step to take first, resentment of myself and others, there are these barriers that I know I am in control to break down and remove but I don't know where to start. Yes I know man up and do it but everytime I've done it before I've burnt myself out after 2 weeks and slipped.
I don't know what the fuck has happened to me in the last few years. I've lied, cheated, swindled, been a drunk coward, an asshole, and a manipulative fuck and I justified it all as doing so to not hurt others. And it's been the exact opposite.
I don't know what I need. A shoulder. A clinic. Do not say religion please. I am not aethiest (I categorize myself as a Universal Creationalist) but I do not want to use religion. I want to use myself and a tool and I do not see faith in that as a tool.
I am just ranting and I am all over the place. I just need to type. To express. I'll likely add more as the day goes on. I am on the verge of a mental collapse. I can't explain it but I feel like any day is the day the anxiety will hit and I'll have some sort of attack.
I am seriously considering either moving new and on my own bc everything feels so fucking broken and I doubt anyone can or wants to truly forgive me. Especially her now. Do I take the loss of a job, postpone all my bills for a month and do part of my dream, which the Appalachian trail?
Fuck. I don't know what I need. I need something. Swift kick in the ass is here but it's where the fuck do I land and walk to after.
It's to the point that every day on my drive back from work I ask for an accident where someone clips me or the like. Not for death. Not at all. I enjoy life and don't plan on ever dying. (Favorite quote is " I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to")
My credit is fucking bunked now. I'm behind on nearly every payment possible. Financially I am destroyed bc of the past 2 years and now emotionally with myself and with others I am completely broken.
For the first real time in my life, I can say this.
I am afraid.
Yogi,
That all sucks. I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel or that there is any quick fix to how you are feeling. I'm sure it's not alcohol or dip and it seems clear that you know that. It sounds to me like you need to speak to a professional today. It would be nothing to be ashamed of but you need to take care of yourself.
PM if I can help in any way but I think you need more than what can be offered here right now.
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Yogi, I just sent you a PM. Stay strong. I live in MD so give me a shout if you want to take a hike sometime and blow off steam. We can get your ass ready for the AT if that is something you are considering.
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Cr,
I have already made the appointment and am leaving here shortly.
Kodiak,
I responded.
Thank you, both of you.
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Great to hear. Stay strong buddy. Let us know if we can help.
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Yogi, I just sent you a PM. Stay strong. I live in MD so give me a shout if you want to take a hike sometime and blow off steam. We can get your ass ready for the AT if that is something you are considering.
I'm going to have to agree with c4. You might need to talk to someone. I would say you are having some serious depression. You have a lot of things going through your head. I do know that alcohol or dip WILL NOT FIX IT. Please seek some help from a family member or something and don't do anything stupid.
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Good Luck Yogi...Stay strong Bro
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Counselor/Psychiatrist meeting next Wednesday. Just a few days to tough this out...
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Yogi
+3
It looks like Life is pushing hard. And it sounds like you are willing to push back. Please remember a few things
1. Do NOT discount the 20-30s funk. It is NOT psychological. It is Physiological. Your brain is just now re-regulating its dopamine receptors to near normal nonnicotine addict levels. Not to be all Wilson Phillips but hang on one more day. It does improve.
2. You've ignored a lot of shit. BUT do not start thinking you are alone. Every quitter that reads your post can see some of themselves in it.
3. Solutions will present if you can recognize and Act on them. Professional help is in order. Keep your appointment no matter what.
4. Lot of support here for you. Use it.
Vadge
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Well I have an appointment Wednesday, followed by an interview so..hooray!
Funk is definitely beginning.
And I had my first dip dream last and gawd damn are those things fucked up. Now I'll preface this by saying I am able to dream lucidly. So I usually let my dreams roll like movies and only wake up or change if it's fucked up...yea last night did that,
Will say this, I had a glass of iced tea which had no smell, no flavor. I opened a tin of Skoal Wintergreen long cut (which I don't know if I've ever dipped). Gave it a whiff. The smell of rot and old dip spit in a bottle was so intense. And..I put it in. The taste.
The taste was like rot, old stink, and wintergreen. I took a swig of tea and started gagging. I woke up to piss and my breath stunk. Stunk the way it does after dipping a whole day or two on the weekend and not having brushed your teeth once and then you floss and get a whiff from the floss. THAT SMELL.
Fucking horrible.
Moral of the story. Dip sucks. Dip dreams suck.
-
Well I have an appointment Wednesday, followed by an interview so..hooray!
Funk is definitely beginning.
And I had my first dip dream last and gawd damn are those things fucked up. Now I'll preface this by saying I am able to dream lucidly. So I usually let my dreams roll like movies and only wake up or change if it's fucked up...yea last night did that,
Will say this, I had a glass of iced tea which had no smell, no flavor. I opened a tin of Skoal Wintergreen long cut (which I don't know if I've ever dipped). Gave it a whiff. The smell of rot and old dip spit in a bottle was so intense. And..I put it in. The taste.
The taste was like rot, old stink, and wintergreen. I took a swig of tea and started gagging. I woke up to piss and my breath stunk. Stunk the way it does after dipping a whole day or two on the weekend and not having brushed your teeth once and then you floss and get a whiff from the floss. THAT SMELL.
Fucking horrible.
Moral of the story. Dip sucks. Dip dreams suck.
scary how real they seem and the length the nic bitch will go to try to make us her slave again.
Every damned day helps keep her away!
You got this!
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Well I have an appointment Wednesday, followed by an interview so..hooray!
Funk is definitely beginning.
And I had my first dip dream last and gawd damn are those things fucked up. Now I'll preface this by saying I am able to dream lucidly. So I usually let my dreams roll like movies and only wake up or change if it's fucked up...yea last night did that,
Will say this, I had a glass of iced tea which had no smell, no flavor. I opened a tin of Skoal Wintergreen long cut (which I don't know if I've ever dipped). Gave it a whiff. The smell of rot and old dip spit in a bottle was so intense. And..I put it in. The taste.
The taste was like rot, old stink, and wintergreen. I took a swig of tea and started gagging. I woke up to piss and my breath stunk. Stunk the way it does after dipping a whole day or two on the weekend and not having brushed your teeth once and then you floss and get a whiff from the floss. THAT SMELL.
Fucking horrible.
Moral of the story. Dip sucks. Dip dreams suck.
scary how real they seem and the length the nic bitch will go to try to make us her slave again.
Every damned day helps keep her away!
You got this!
And kick ass convos with concerned brothers help too!
Many thanks again man. Put things into a bit more perspective.
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Well I have an appointment Wednesday, followed by an interview so..hooray!
Funk is definitely beginning.
And I had my first dip dream last and gawd damn are those things fucked up. Now I'll preface this by saying I am able to dream lucidly. So I usually let my dreams roll like movies and only wake up or change if it's fucked up...yea last night did that,
Will say this, I had a glass of iced tea which had no smell, no flavor. I opened a tin of Skoal Wintergreen long cut (which I don't know if I've ever dipped). Gave it a whiff. The smell of rot and old dip spit in a bottle was so intense. And..I put it in. The taste.
The taste was like rot, old stink, and wintergreen. I took a swig of tea and started gagging. I woke up to piss and my breath stunk. Stunk the way it does after dipping a whole day or two on the weekend and not having brushed your teeth once and then you floss and get a whiff from the floss. THAT SMELL.
Fucking horrible.
Moral of the story. Dip sucks. Dip dreams suck.
It sounds like your doing better yogi. I'm glad to hear it. I'm glad you kept your word rather than give in like a lot of individuals have been doing lately,, why? Because your a man of your word, you meant what you said and you said what you meant. I'm glad to be quit with you brother,,, you need anything pm me.
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Well I have an appointment Wednesday, followed by an interview so..hooray!
Funk is definitely beginning.
And I had my first dip dream last and gawd damn are those things fucked up. Now I'll preface this by saying I am able to dream lucidly. So I usually let my dreams roll like movies and only wake up or change if it's fucked up...yea last night did that,
Will say this, I had a glass of iced tea which had no smell, no flavor. I opened a tin of Skoal Wintergreen long cut (which I don't know if I've ever dipped). Gave it a whiff. The smell of rot and old dip spit in a bottle was so intense. And..I put it in. The taste.
The taste was like rot, old stink, and wintergreen. I took a swig of tea and started gagging. I woke up to piss and my breath stunk. Stunk the way it does after dipping a whole day or two on the weekend and not having brushed your teeth once and then you floss and get a whiff from the floss. THAT SMELL.
Fucking horrible.
Moral of the story. Dip sucks. Dip dreams suck.
It sounds like your doing better yogi. I'm glad to hear it. I'm glad you kept your word rather than give in like a lot of individuals have been doing lately,, why? Because your a man of your word, you meant what you said and you said what you meant. I'm glad to be quit with you brother,,, you need anything pm me.
Thank you srans.
I'd only make things worse by doing it. Make one more bad decision. One more thorn of self-disappointment.
I don't need that.
Also, it is FUCKING AWESOME to have a clean smelling car for so many days.
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Well I have an appointment Wednesday, followed by an interview so..hooray!
Funk is definitely beginning.
And I had my first dip dream last and gawd damn are those things fucked up. Now I'll preface this by saying I am able to dream lucidly. So I usually let my dreams roll like movies and only wake up or change if it's fucked up...yea last night did that,
Will say this, I had a glass of iced tea which had no smell, no flavor. I opened a tin of Skoal Wintergreen long cut (which I don't know if I've ever dipped). Gave it a whiff. The smell of rot and old dip spit in a bottle was so intense. And..I put it in. The taste.
The taste was like rot, old stink, and wintergreen. I took a swig of tea and started gagging. I woke up to piss and my breath stunk. Stunk the way it does after dipping a whole day or two on the weekend and not having brushed your teeth once and then you floss and get a whiff from the floss. THAT SMELL.
Fucking horrible.
Moral of the story. Dip sucks. Dip dreams suck.
Good luck on the interview and with your appointment yogi. The dreams do suck, I've had a few, I love when it hits that it was only a dream!
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Well I have an appointment Wednesday, followed by an interview so..hooray!
Funk is definitely beginning.
And I had my first dip dream last and gawd damn are those things fucked up. Now I'll preface this by saying I am able to dream lucidly. So I usually let my dreams roll like movies and only wake up or change if it's fucked up...yea last night did that,
Will say this, I had a glass of iced tea which had no smell, no flavor. I opened a tin of Skoal Wintergreen long cut (which I don't know if I've ever dipped). Gave it a whiff. The smell of rot and old dip spit in a bottle was so intense. And..I put it in. The taste.
The taste was like rot, old stink, and wintergreen. I took a swig of tea and started gagging. I woke up to piss and my breath stunk. Stunk the way it does after dipping a whole day or two on the weekend and not having brushed your teeth once and then you floss and get a whiff from the floss. THAT SMELL.
Fucking horrible.
Moral of the story. Dip sucks. Dip dreams suck.
It sounds like your doing better yogi. I'm glad to hear it. I'm glad you kept your word rather than give in like a lot of individuals have been doing lately,, why? Because your a man of your word, you meant what you said and you said what you meant. I'm glad to be quit with you brother,,, you need anything pm me.
Thank you srans.
I'd only make things worse by doing it. Make one more bad decision. One more thorn of self-disappointment.
I don't need that.
Also, it is FUCKING AWESOME to have a clean smelling car for so many days.
Yeah,,, I know what you mean. I can't believe it sometimes,, No bottles laying anywhere. No funk in my truck. I'ts awsome. One more thing,, those dreams,, unreal huh. I've had a couple. They are the most real dreams I've ever had. Today we QLF....
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Well I have an appointment Wednesday, followed by an interview so..hooray!
Funk is definitely beginning.
And I had my first dip dream last and gawd damn are those things fucked up. Now I'll preface this by saying I am able to dream lucidly. So I usually let my dreams roll like movies and only wake up or change if it's fucked up...yea last night did that,
Will say this, I had a glass of iced tea which had no smell, no flavor. I opened a tin of Skoal Wintergreen long cut (which I don't know if I've ever dipped). Gave it a whiff. The smell of rot and old dip spit in a bottle was so intense. And..I put it in. The taste.
The taste was like rot, old stink, and wintergreen. I took a swig of tea and started gagging. I woke up to piss and my breath stunk. Stunk the way it does after dipping a whole day or two on the weekend and not having brushed your teeth once and then you floss and get a whiff from the floss. THAT SMELL.
Fucking horrible.
Moral of the story. Dip sucks. Dip dreams suck.
Must be in the water, I am having dreams about smoking, and I have never done that. Lots of people in our group having the nic dreams now. Interview yess!!!! Still quit with you!
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Dip dreams are crazy. I woke up 100% sure that I had caved. I was pissed off and embarrassed. Then I realized that it was a dream...but I was still suspicious. I checked my clothes, my usual hiding places, and my truck to make sure there wasn't a can. I even checked my lip and teeth in the mirror about 3 or 4 times. I couldn't believe how real it felt. Felt even better when I realized it was all just a dream.
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Bean,
Yea! The smell havd me paranoid and I kept looking in my teeth.
Who all have we lost for June to caving?
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Bean,
Yea! The smell havd me paranoid and I kept looking in my teeth.
Who all have we lost for June to caving?
Jeff123, is the only one we know for sure, I think??? There have been many that have dropped of the spread sheet. If they don't post up they have been dropping off.
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I'm adding a Cavers section to our Spreadsheet.
Thoughts on how best to incorporate? I was thinking username and highlight the row as red. Or pink. Since they quit like pussies. :-P
I'm so witty.
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I'm adding a Cavers section to our Spreadsheet.
Thoughts on how best to incorporate? I was thinking username and highlight the row as red. Or pink. Since they quit like pussies. :-P
I'm so witty.
And Modest, too, I like pink as well. Call it the Cavers corner.
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I'm adding a Cavers section to our Spreadsheet.
Thoughts on how best to incorporate? I was thinking username and highlight the row as red. Or pink. Since they quit like pussies. :-P
I'm so witty.
And Modest, too, I like pink as well. Call it the Cavers corner.
Pantry for the pink panty wearing bitches!!!
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I'm adding a Cavers section to our Spreadsheet.
Thoughts on how best to incorporate? I was thinking username and highlight the row as red. Or pink. Since they quit like pussies. :-P
I'm so witty.
And Modest, too, I like pink as well. Call it the Cavers corner.
Pantry for the pink panty wearing bitches!!!
If they dont like the color they can not end up there!!
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Will resume working on the spreadsheet this week, gents.
Experimented this weekend while home on some personalized fake-dip variations with my Jake's varieties.
Big winner: Mint Juldip. (Mint Julep kids)
Ingredients:
1 tin of any Mint or wintergreen fake dip
Quarter shot of bourbon
2 Sprigs of mint leaves
Break up the dip using the back end of a fork. (way to messy for fingers). Pour in whiskey, anywhere from a quarter to half a shot. I like Knob Creek but hey, Kentucky Gentleman is $7. Close the tin and pack good. Open the tin up, stir the dip with fork and pack again. Open, add two springs of fresh mint and close tin.
I let mine sit in the fridge for 3 hours then took it out and used it while working on a planters box.
Fantastic!
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42
The struggle is beginning. Up until this point I have felt strong. Unfaltering.
This week is the week I get laid off and I have not found a replacement and like a little spider creeping, the want is coming.
I know it is a temporary buzz and it is not worth it and I laugh because I can see why I should not ever have one, but that physical urge is coming and stronger. As it comes stronger, so too does my anger and rage. Almost like the urge is using the anger as a crutch to satiate that desire for that 10 minute buzz and 30 minute burn.
My first real struggle is here. It's almost like I can feel it. That this is the first heavy part of my quit rollercoaster. And as much as I get annoyed at the 'she' talk of nic; I feel like she is coming with her weapons. Crutches supplied through want. Fake fixes. Etc.
I will be posting this week and will likely be in chat a lot as talking with you guys does help calm me down.
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42
The struggle is beginning. Up until this point I have felt strong. Unfaltering.Â
This week is the week I get laid off and I have not found a replacement and like a little spider creeping, the want is coming.Â
I know it is a temporary buzz and it is not worth it and I laugh because I can see why I should not ever have one, but that physical urge is coming and stronger. As it comes stronger, so too does my anger and rage. Almost like the urge is using the anger as a crutch to satiate that desire for that 10 minute buzz and 30 minute burn.
My first real struggle is here. It's almost like I can feel it. That this is the first heavy part of my quit rollercoaster. And as much as I get annoyed at the 'she' talk of nic; I feel like she is coming with her weapons. Crutches supplied through want. Fake fixes. Etc.
I will be posting this week and will likely be in chat a lot as talking with you guys does help calm me down.
Yogi,
We all have similar phases but the battles are personal. I wanted to just give you my pre 100 day story.
I wasn't laid off but I was reduced in pay. I then pledged to quit dipping. At my 100 day mark, I loved that I made it to the hall!
However I went from 1/2 pay to zero pay. I went to work and feared that I was a dumb ass. I believed so much in my company and what I was doing. Even though they couldn't pay me, I was all in.
The stress of spending all my savings to only get by and work 40+ hours a week. Can't tell you how many times the call for a dip came. My first 100 days taught me never to be impulsive to the can.
Since I wasn't impulsive I stayed quit and something changed in me. I AM QUIT. Regardless of my life circumstances, I valued being quit and dipping wouldn't get me a pay check. It would cost me 5.00.
I made it, I got my back pay and a bi weekly check now. All is well. So it is in life. It will all work out if you stay committed and do what is necessary.
Short version: Caving won't make your situation better. Staying quit increases your confidence to believe in you and what you are doing. Quit every damn day and keep your word. That is the best way to play our game of life.
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42
The struggle is beginning. Up until this point I have felt strong. Unfaltering.
This week is the week I get laid off and I have not found a replacement and like a little spider creeping, the want is coming.
I know it is a temporary buzz and it is not worth it and I laugh because I can see why I should not ever have one, but that physical urge is coming and stronger. As it comes stronger, so too does my anger and rage. Almost like the urge is using the anger as a crutch to satiate that desire for that 10 minute buzz and 30 minute burn.
My first real struggle is here. It's almost like I can feel it. That this is the first heavy part of my quit rollercoaster. And as much as I get annoyed at the 'she' talk of nic; I feel like she is coming with her weapons. Crutches supplied through want. Fake fixes. Etc.
I will be posting this week and will likely be in chat a lot as talking with you guys does help calm me down.
I quit with you today Yogi, funny I got weird things happening to me as well today. On edge, im at day 40. I think it's the 40 funks. But were still QLF!
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42
The struggle is beginning. Up until this point I have felt strong. Unfaltering.Â
This week is the week I get laid off and I have not found a replacement and like a little spider creeping, the want is coming.Â
I know it is a temporary buzz and it is not worth it and I laugh because I can see why I should not ever have one, but that physical urge is coming and stronger. As it comes stronger, so too does my anger and rage. Almost like the urge is using the anger as a crutch to satiate that desire for that 10 minute buzz and 30 minute burn.
My first real struggle is here. It's almost like I can feel it. That this is the first heavy part of my quit rollercoaster. And as much as I get annoyed at the 'she' talk of nic; I feel like she is coming with her weapons. Crutches supplied through want. Fake fixes. Etc.
I will be posting this week and will likely be in chat a lot as talking with you guys does help calm me down.
I quit with you today Yogi, funny I got weird things happening to me as well today. On edge, im at day 40. I think it's the 40 funks. But were still QLF!
Your going to make it through this rough time yogi and kk. Yall know why? Because y'all know its not worth it. You both know the Nic bitch is full of lies. She will use the struggles of this life to mentally challenge you. Your days are stacking and she knows shes running out of options. There is another job out there yogi. One thing that you only have one of is your life and the way you want to live it. I tell you what,,,, y'all keep quiten and I'll keep quiten with you. Screw you nic bitch. 'arse' 'arse'
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Thank you guys. Really helped me a lot yesterday between the forum and especially the texts.
P3 for life!
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Welp, looks like I am joining the gum graft group. Next week I'll find out for sure but my gum recession (left bicuspid areA) is really bad and it has now exposed near root. Pain happens sporadically and brushing my teeth is an episode in "Owwwww-rub cheek and gum and blood away" labor.
I will post progress but as of right now; just gum recession.
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Welp, looks like I am joining the gum graft group. Next week I'll find out for sure but my gum recession (left bicuspid areA) is really bad and it has now exposed near root. Pain happens sporadically and brushing my teeth is an episode in "Owwwww-rub cheek and gum and blood away" labor.
I will post progress but as of right now; just gum recession.
Better than cancer, or having to get it done while still dipping because you were still a bitch addict. I quit with you.
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Welp, looks like I am joining the gum graft group. Next week I'll find out for sure but my gum recession (left bicuspid areA) is really bad and it has now exposed near root.  Pain happens sporadically and brushing my teeth is an episode in "Owwwww-rub cheek and gum and blood away" labor.
I will post progress but as of right now; just gum recession.
Better than cancer, or having to get it done while still dipping because you were still a bitch addict. I quit with you.
Exactly. At least now, you're quit like fuck and that ain't going to happen again! I quit with you!
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Welp, looks like I am joining the gum graft group. Next week I'll find out for sure but my gum recession (left bicuspid areA) is really bad and it has now exposed near root. Pain happens sporadically and brushing my teeth is an episode in "Owwwww-rub cheek and gum and blood away" labor.
I will post progress but as of right now; just gum recession.
Yogi,
I had a gum graft beneath my lower bottom front four teeth about 8 years ago. Don't stress too much - you'll be fine. My recovery was pretty quick and the pain was manageable.
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Graft is a definite but afte rmy interviews and see what insurance I get, I'll set that up. Otherwise the sores are just sores and my gums, especially the places where I dind't have a dip in are looking pink and much healthier.
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Graft is a definite but afte rmy interviews and see what insurance I get, I'll set that up. Otherwise the sores are just sores and my gums, especially the places where I dind't have a dip in are looking pink and much healthier.
Better than having to get it done and taking a dip after! Just think you will only have to do this once! I quit with your bad ass today. oh yea and half way to HOF, your a pimp my friend.
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Graft is a definite but afte rmy interviews and see what insurance I get, I'll set that up. Otherwise the sores are just sores and my gums, especially the places where I dind't have a dip in are looking pink and much healthier.
Better than having to get it done and taking a dip after! Just think you will only have to do this once! I quit with your bad ass today. oh yea and half way to HOF, your a pimp my friend.
I hear ya Yogi. After so many yrs dipping my gums were just totally fucked. They hurt constantly - yet I continued to dip. Well, I'm at two weeks quit now and am amazed with how my gum tissue has improved. I saw the dentist and he mentioned the tissue had healed so fast that he really couldn't even tell I had dipped which is stunning.
Proud to be quit with you today
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Right on guys! My gums are starting to feel extremely nice (I know for us this makes sense) and my teeth were getting whiter but because of all the coffee I've been drinking they are staining quickly.
Also.
We're June and we're gay.
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Right on guys! My gums are starting to feel extremely nice (I know for us this makes sense) and my teeth were getting whiter but because of all the coffee I've been drinking they are staining quickly.
Also.
We're June and we're gay.
Yogi, it ghey, not Gay. 'loot02'
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Right on guys! My gums are starting to feel extremely nice (I know for us this makes sense) and my teeth were getting whiter but because of all the coffee I've been drinking they are staining quickly.
Also.
We're June and we're gay.
Yogi, it ghey, not Gay. 'loot02'
Yes so get it right silly pants, just keep hiking them up and quitting the way we can here on KTC
'spin' 'Crazy'
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Right on guys! My gums are starting to feel extremely nice (I know for us this makes sense) and my teeth were getting whiter but because of all the coffee I've been drinking they are staining quickly.
Also.
We're June and we're gay.
Yogi, it ghey, not Gay. 'loot02'
Yes so get it right silly pants, just keep hiking them up and quitting the way we can here on KTC
'spin' 'Crazy'
I'm a Doctor and... (https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/24354_104323419607208_216442_n.jpg)
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I told you I would give you until Monday.
In two days you would have been clean for a year! You had my number, we have raged together many times. Our funks rolled in at the same time.
Now, you use the same excuse as so many others.. fell into bad times, started drinking to much and she won again. All you had to do was use my number man, but you knew that was the hard way out. It was easier to just start finger banging that bitch again. You gave up, you quit quitting.
Read your fucking into, you've had oral issues!!!! LOOK at the fucking post right below this you fucking moron, when you were at the oral surgeon!!!! You've got the fucking balls to pull that trigger again?
Guess, i'll ride into my 365 days without you, you say your going to come back eventually.... I dont think so... Until then 'Finger'
KK
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I told you I would give you until Monday.
In two days you would have been clean for a year! You had my number, we have raged together many times. Our funks rolled in at the same time.
Now, you use the same excuse as so many others.. fell into bad times, started drinking to much and she won again. All you had to do was use my number man, but you knew that was the hard way out. It was easier to just start finger banging that bitch again. You gave up, you quit quitting.
Read your fucking into, you've had oral issues!!!! LOOK at the fucking post right below this you fucking moron, when you were at the oral surgeon!!!! You've got the fucking balls to pull that trigger again?
Guess, i'll ride into my 365 days without you, you say your going to come back eventually.... I dont think so... Until then 'Finger'
KK
are you kidding me.....
damn disappointing......
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I told you I would give you until Monday.
In two days you would have been clean for a year! You had my number, we have raged together many times. Our funks rolled in at the same time.
Now, you use the same excuse as so many others.. fell into bad times, started drinking to much and she won again. All you had to do was use my number man, but you knew that was the hard way out. It was easier to just start finger banging that bitch again. You gave up, you quit quitting.
Read your fucking into, you've had oral issues!!!! LOOK at the fucking post right below this you fucking moron, when you were at the oral surgeon!!!! You've got the fucking balls to pull that trigger again?
Guess, i'll ride into my 365 days without you, you say your going to come back eventually.... I dont think so... Until then 'Finger'
KK
Just... Damn.
sigh
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I told you I would give you until Monday.
In two days you would have been clean for a year! You had my number, we have raged together many times. Our funks rolled in at the same time.
Now, you use the same excuse as so many others.. fell into bad times, started drinking to much and she won again. All you had to do was use my number man, but you knew that was the hard way out. It was easier to just start finger banging that bitch again. You gave up, you quit quitting.
Read your fucking into, you've had oral issues!!!! LOOK at the fucking post right below this you fucking moron, when you were at the oral surgeon!!!! You've got the fucking balls to pull that trigger again?
Guess, i'll ride into my 365 days without you, you say your going to come back eventually.... I dont think so... Until then 'Finger'
KK
Just... Damn.
sigh
His post about the gum grafts and sores and blood and exposed root made me fucking cringe. That poison has got im in a headlock, somebody call him back before its to late. Its life or death brother, what the fuck side are you on?
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Well, let's dig this up. Yesterday I went 700 days, so I decided to message all of the fallen from my group, June 2013. I sent Yogi a text and low and behold he is clean, for 118 days.
He has agreed to come back to the group, June 2013, as a caver, and he is ready to explain and ready to be KTC again.
What group will he join? Out of respect, should he join [May, or should he Join the post HOF group? Or all of them? He is respectful and I am asking for an opinion? He is at work and social sites are banned, he assured me he will post up tonight, so I'd like to see some opinions of how this should be done.
What does everyone think of this?
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Well, let's dig this up. Yesterday I went 700 days, so I decided to message all of the fallen from my group, June 2013. I sent Yogi a text and low and behold he is clean, for 118 days.
He has agreed to come back to the group, June 2013, as a caver, and he is ready to explain and ready to be KTC again.
What group will he join? Out of respect, should he join [May, or should he Join the post HOF group? Or all of them? He is respectful and I am asking for an opinion? He is at work and social sites are banned, he assured me he will post up tonight, so I'd like to see some opinions of how this should be done.
What does everyone think of this?
If he is clean for 118 days, he should "join" whatever group is also at that point (January?). He definitely owe his prior group an explanation.
He should expect some doubt, skepticism, and probably some folks wont believe him that he is truly clean and on day 118. So he should come in and be clear about his past, his cave, and what he is doing differently this time.
The groups are set up so quitters are at similar points together, and a guy at 118 days is not in the same realm as someone at day 1, 5, or whatever.
-
Well, let's dig this up. Yesterday I went 700 days, so I decided to message all of the fallen from my group, June 2013. I sent Yogi a text and low and behold he is clean, for 118 days.
He has agreed to come back to the group, June 2013, as a caver, and he is ready to explain and ready to be KTC again.
What group will he join? Out of respect, should he join [May, or should he Join the post HOF group? Or all of them? He is respectful and I am asking for an opinion? He is at work and social sites are banned, he assured me he will post up tonight, so I'd like to see some opinions of how this should be done.
What does everyone think of this?
If he is clean for 118 days, he should "join" whatever group is also at that point (January?). He definitely owe his prior group an explanation.
He should expect some doubt, skepticism, and probably some folks wont believe him that he is truly clean and on day 118. So he should come in and be clear about his past, his cave, and what he is doing differently this time.
The groups are set up so quitters are at similar points together, and a guy at 118 days is not in the same realm as someone at day 1, 5, or whatever.
'Popcorn'
-
All,
Well this is long overdue. I made a promise once, broke it, made some more, broke some more, and watched some really fucked up shit happen while I sat there idly and dumb. This will be a wall and it will be jumbled and maybe incoherent.
So some of my past and then my cave and the screwed up shit afterward.
I was like many of you. Joined because I knew I had a massively destructive habit (one of many) and was too much of a puss to accept it and do anything about it for many years. Christ, I drank so much even the time frame of my quit is hazy.
So I began dipping heavily in college and afterward made some really bad personal decisions. Cheated on my fiance (a living saint), fell in love with an intensely destructive relstionship, lost my job, totaled my car, gained 50lbs in alcohol and shitty food. Got into KTC through a good friend who is an addictions counselor. I was ready. It was a tin, what was the issue?
I joined KTC and the June 2013 HOF group. Made some excellent friends and I am happy, though bittersweetly, to see the closest of them are still quit. P3s, I have my post coming for you guys specifically.
Went through my 100 days. Every struggle that was outlined on the site came true. The raging, the smells, the urges. I have a bad history of oral fixation and my nails went through hell. I was damn near swallowing Jake's (miss that cranberry fakey) and going through bags of mints a week. But there was, specifically, KK, Wade, runner, and Kodiak keeping me straight. Nights were I was ready to hit the closest person toward me...I could not handle it. Or so I thought. I stayed true. Fought. Posted roll. Texted near daily with my KTC brothers. Was in the chat yelling at people.
Then the HOF. I had done it. The longest I had stuck through with a positive change in my life since highschool and it felt exhilerating. Then, the hits came and I made the excuses that lead some of us back down that shitty rabbit hole.
Lost my job due to someone's budget blunder. Was at my end with being torn between two women; one of which was a rock and the other who would throw them. My car was always breaking. I was behind on all my bills. And excuse after lame excuse. Then, I saw them as life being unfair. I was being tested unfairly and it was bullshit! Why the fuck should all this happen to me?
I managed to drag myself off the bottle long enough to land a knock out job, as a lead specialist in my career field no less. I also finally saw a shrink because in addition to the addiction, I was tired of not knowing what the hell was wrong with my on off heightened energy, spending, lack of feeling, and ability to forget depressing moments without a thought. Bi Polar manic! God damn, 2013 was a hoot.
Well a few years later, I hate that I was ever that weak. They weren't reasons. They were lame excuses. It was life and I didn't cope or even maybe want to cope with it. So the booze began to flow. And those who know me know I drank a lot. And as shitty as it sounds; and I cannot lie here, I don't even remember which night was the first when I caved. There was a 2-3 week span where I was on a fifth of 3/4s a case of booze a day. Dip just came as a natural crutch to keep that buzz going. I remember the weekend after the first week of falling back in. I was staring at an empty 40 of Ol' E with a jizz tissue and dip spit in it. I will never forget that I sat there, TV off, said Fuck it out loud then put another lip of Grizzly Mint in and down half a 40 in a single long, mint tinged gulp. I threw up, pissed my pants a few hours later, and didn't even care. Disgraceful and weak? Oh it gets even worse.
The year of 2013 saw me cave, lose friends, but also saw some new things.
My job allowed me to think and be creative but also required a tremendous load of responsibility. I got back into working out. I put back drinking to a much better amount. I repaired things with my ex-fiance (now soon to be) and removed a lot of the negative weight that was on me.
But...still dipped.
It became an after thought and I had excuse after excuse as to why. Hunger cravings? Dip. Stress? Dip. Weather was nice? Dip. Weather was bad? Dip. You get the idea.
2014 rolled in and I was at a tin a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. But I thought I was better then before so I'd be able to quit.
It wasn't until October 3rd that I said no. And how? I drove into the gas station to grab a red bull and the attendent asked if I wanted any dip. I bullshit you not, I said "Nah, I'm good". That was it. I had told myself that I couldn't be forced to quit. I watched my girlfriend's uncle struggle with jaw, mouth, and throat cancer and have a 6 month life sentence. Cause? Dipped when he was younger for ONLY 3 years. I dipped all throughout this process! Jesus fucking Christ I cannot believe I did that. It was a slap to everything he and her entire family went through. I would drive to their house, OUT FUCKING FRONT, pull out my wad spit and clean up. Half the time not even wash my mouth. Yeah, 2013 and early 2014 was bad. I was a slap in the face, inconsiderate fuck. I look at the decision in October and while I am thankful it happened, I feel disgusted it was so casual. I watched someone who I have known closely for 10 years, waste away, and did not change. He is recovering now and it looks like treatment has beaten it but I find it hard to look him in the eye and congratulate and feel apart of the celebration. I was a filthy fraud. Spitting in the face of that struggle and with no car to my own history with graff scares, bleeding gums, throw up...
So October 3rd was the day I said, I'm good. Haven't looked at it since. I depending heavily on working out to stave my cravings because afterall I had had a year and a half of abuse and putting weight on. Being a naturally addictive person, I quickly felt on top of the world and I would be the most wholesome person you have seen on the planet. (Yea my head works that way...not a peachy time)
Then MRSA hit and I was in the ER and hospital for a week. Damn near lost my arm. Came out and that day passed a sign for a sale on Cope for 1.99. I thought about it but turned away. I felt proud; however within a few hours it dawned on me. Why should I feel proud because I said no? I said no before for over a hundred days but IT WAS STILL THERE. Waiting until I gave myself enough of a pity party to put that dogshit in my mouth. It was there too. Discharged fresh from the hospital an within hours that thought crossed my mind. Did I actively want one? No. But my subconcious...that addiction...it was there. It's still there. I still force myself to think of a lip in my wrecked ass top gums (had to horseshoe because I fucked my bottom gum up so badly). I am thankful that it makes me want to gag and my stomach turns.
Yes, I can honestly say I am a lot different. I have repaired relationships, am on the constant journey of progress for myself, and even though I only quit a few months ago, I am getting in the routine of having the pieces in place. I even drink only once a week now!
But I am not right. I am not clean of the shit I pulled. The endless web of lies and deceit wrapped in a veil of alcohol so deep that even I don't know what is true and what is fake from 2012-2013. Fuck me I wish I was being dramatic. Those of you who are heavy drinkers know the effects I am talking about.
So why am I here? Because this place was the best thing that happened to me. I won't even say my girl just yet because she couldn't give me what I needed or relate to this. You guys did. And I did not understand or work to understand how serious, deep, and meaningful this place and the people within it and the impact was and is. I frequently thought during my relapse about coming back. Posting my rightful cave and then sulking back away because "I wasn't ready". I realize this is about the worst thing I could have done. I am worse than those who caved and didn't say anything or came back. I acted like a weakling and am now here to ask for forgiveness and the chance to rejoin this family. Today was difficult for me.
KK's text sent a shot through me. Reliving 2013. Reliving all that I did. Reliving the joy I felt here and the morning messages and reminders to roll call and how I missed that. How it was my fault I lost it and didn't do shit to get it back. It's embarassing and it'd be easy to avoid the site and the people. Electronic communication is simply the click of an 'Ignore' away. But I did enough of that. I hadn't owned up to years of shit I did and this was the big non-nicotine covered elephant in the room.
I am rambling. I am all over the place. It is a lot to revisit and hard to iron out what I want to say and how. I don't want, need, or am looking for sympathy. Sympathy in addiction is WEAK and enabling. I definitely learned that.
I ask that you members of KTC, both new, old, and in between please take me back. I sit here at 118 days nicotine free and whether you believe it or not, I can sit here and with a smile say that. Doesn't make anything I did go away. I am prepared for my licks. I am prepared to answer anything you want both in question and in statement.
Moving forward, I plan on doing what I've been. I fight my cravings by remembering how much of a fuck I was and where I am now. I walk. I hydrate. I run. I do positive work to my mind and body because I don't plan on fast tracking my big ass into a grave. Not when I have so much to see and do.
I wear my cave as a begrudginged badge. I caved. I bitched out.
I am here now, asking you to re-accept me into the fold. My p3ers....it may take me until the morning to write my post. It may be tonight. Worse than letting down KTC was letting down you. I wasn't a quiet member and neither were you remaining guys. We talked, fought, overcome each hurdle of temptation and each disappointment of someone caving.
My life has been on track for a while now. I have fought and clawed and done so many stpes in order to right my busted and weak self. I do not plan on stopping and losing this. I also now respect this addiction. I did 100+ days before and what did it matter? I had life scares and what did it matter? Well eventually you either succumb 100% or you grab your shit and stand the fuck up.
I am standing and I am here. She is not a kick to the curb kind of whore, She is the kind always waiting and now I understand how dangerous that is. I do not want to be the next cancer statistic. I do not want to leave my girl as we are now actually enjoying our life together.
I want to share the burdens of you quitters. I know what its like to hit your milestones. I know what it's like to fall off and hide. I am now learning what it is like to accept responsibility as a man and make your dues.
KilltheCan members, will you let me return to the family?
Sincerely,
Nick
-
All,
Well this is long overdue. I made a promise once, broke it, made some more, broke some more, and watched some really fucked up shit happen while I sat there idly and dumb. This will be a wall and it will be jumbled and maybe incoherent.
So some of my past and then my cave and the screwed up shit afterward.
I was like many of you. Joined because I knew I had a massively destructive habit (one of many) and was too much of a puss to accept it and do anything about it for many years. Christ, I drank so much even the time frame of my quit is hazy.
So I began dipping heavily in college and afterward made some really bad personal decisions. Cheated on my fiance (a living saint), fell in love with an abusive girl, lost my job, totaled my car, gained 50lbs in alcohol and shitty food. Got into KTC through a good friend who is an addictions counselor. I was ready. It was a tin, what was the issue?
I joined KTC and the June 2013 HOF group. Made some excellent friends and I am happy, though bittersweetly, to see the closest of them are still quit. P3s, I have my post coming for you guys specifically.
Went through my 100 days. Every struggle that was outlined on the site came true. The raging, the smells, the urges. I have a bad history of oral fixation and my nails went through hell. I was damn near swallowing Jake's (miss that cranberry fakey) and going through bags of mints a week. But there was, specifically, KK, Wade, runner, and Kodiak keeping me straight. Nights were I was ready to hit the closest person toward me...I could not handle it. Or so I thought. I stayed true. Fought. Posted roll. Texted near daily with my KTC brothers. Was in the chat yelling at people.
Then the HOF. I had done it. The longest I had stuck through with a positive change in my life since highschool and it felt exhilerating. Then, the hits came and I made the excuses that lead some of us back down that shitty rabbit hole.
Lost my job due to someone's budget blunder. Was at my end with being torn between two women; one of which was a rock and the other who would throw them. My car was always breaking. I was behind on all my bills. And excuse after lame excuse. Then, I saw them as life being unfair. I was being tested unfairly and it was bullshit! Why the fuck should all this happen to me?
I managed to drag myself off the bottle long enough to land a knock out job, as a lead specialist in my career field no less. I also finally saw a shrink because in addition to the addiction, I was tired of not knowing what the hell was wrong with my on off heightened energy, spending, lack of feeling, and ability to forget depressing moments without a thought. Bi Polar manic! God damn, 2013 was a hoot.
Well a few years later, I hate that I was ever that weak. They weren't reasons. They were lame excuses. It was life and I didn't cope or even maybe want to cope with it. So the booze began to flow. And those who know me know I drank a lot. And as shitty as it sounds; and I cannot lie here, I don't even remember which night was the first when I caved. There was a 2-3 week span where I was on a fifth of 3/4s a case of booze a day. Dip just came as a natural crutch to keep that buzz going. I remember the weekend after the first week of falling back in. I was staring at an empty 40 of Ol' E with a jizz tissue and dip spit in it. I will never forget that I sat there, TV off, said Fuck it out loud then put another lip of Grizzly Mint in and down half a 40 in a single long, mint tinged gulp. I threw up, pissed my pants a few hours later, and didn't even care. Disgraceful and weak? Oh it gets even worse.
The year of 2013 saw me cave, lose friends, but also saw some new things.
My job allowed me to think and be creative but also required a tremendous load of responsibility. I got back into working out. I put back drinking to a much better amount. I repaired things with my ex-fiance (now soon to be) and removed a lot of the negative weight that was on me.
But...still dipped.
It became an after thought and I had excuse after excuse as to why. Hunger cravings? Dip. Stress? Dip. Weather was nice? Dip. Weather was bad? Dip. You get the idea.
2014 rolled in and I was at a tin a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. But I thought I was better then before so I'd be able to quit.
It wasn't until October 3rd that I said no. And how? I drove into the gas station to grab a red bull and the attendent asked if I wanted any dip. I bullshit you not, I said "Nah, I'm good". That was it. I had told myself that I couldn't be forced to quit. I watched my girlfriend's uncle struggle with jaw, mouth, and throat cancer and have a 6 month life sentence. Cause? Dipped when he was younger for ONLY 3 years. I dipped all throughout this process! Jesus fucking Christ I cannot believe I did that. It was a slap to everything he and her entire family went through. I would drive to their house, OUT FUCKING FRONT, pull out my wad spit and clean up. Half the time not even wash my mouth. Yeah, 2013 and early 2014 was bad. I was a slap in the face, inconsiderate fuck. I look at the decision in October and while I am thankful it happened, I feel disgusted it was so casual. I watched someone who I have known closely for 10 years, waste away, and did not change. He is recovering now and it looks like treatment has beaten it but I find it hard to look him in the eye and congratulate and feel apart of the celebration. I was a filthy fraud. Spitting in the face of that struggle and with no car to my own history with graff scares, bleeding gums, throw up...
So October 3rd was the day I said, I'm good. Haven't looked at it since. I depending heavily on working out to stave my cravings because afterall I had had a year and a half of abuse and putting weight on. Being a naturally addictive person, I quickly felt on top of the world and I would be the most wholesome person you have seen on the planet. (Yea my head works that way...not a peachy time)
Then MRSA hit and I was in the ER and hospital for a week. Damn near lost my arm. Came out and that day passed a sign for a sale on Cope for 1.99. I thought about it but turned away. I felt proud; however within a few hours it dawned on me. Why should I feel proud because I said no? I said no before for over a hundred days but IT WAS STILL THERE. Waiting until I gave myself enough of a pity party to put that dogshit in my mouth. It was there too. Discharged fresh from the hospital an within hours that thought crossed my mind. Did I actively want one? No. But my subconcious...that addiction...it was there. It's still there. I still force myself to think of a lip in my wrecked ass top gums (had to horseshoe because I fucked my bottom gum up so badly). I am thankful that it makes me want to gag and my stomach turns.
Yes, I can honestly say I am a lot different. I have repaired relationships, am on the constant journey of progress for myself, and even though I only quit a few months ago, I am getting in the routine of having the pieces in place. I even drink only once a week now!
But I am not right. I am not clean of the shit I pulled. The endless web of lies and deceit wrapped in a veil of alcohol so deep that even I don't know what is true and what is fake from 2012-2013. Fuck me I wish I was being dramatic. Those of you who are heavy drinkers know the effects I am talking about.
So why am I here? Because this place was the best thing that happened to me. I won't even say my girl just yet because she couldn't give me what I needed or relate to this. You guys did. And I did not understand or work to understand how serious, deep, and meaningful this place and the people within it and the impact was and is. I frequently thought during my relapse about coming back. Posting my rightful cave and then sulking back away because "I wasn't ready". I realize this is about the worst thing I could have done. I am worse than those who caved and didn't say anything or came back. I acted like a weakling and am now here to ask for forgiveness and the chance to rejoin this family. Today was difficult for me.
KK's text sent a shot through me. Reliving 2013. Reliving all that I did. Reliving the joy I felt here and the morning messages and reminders to roll call and how I missed that. How it was my fault I lost it and didn't do shit to get it back. It's embarassing and it'd be easy to avoid the site and the people. Electronic communication is simply the click of an 'Ignore' away. But I did enough of that. I hadn't owned up to years of shit I did and this was the big non-nicotine covered elephant in the room.
I am rambling. I am all over the place. It is a lot to revisit and hard to iron out what I want to say and how. I don't want, need, or am looking for sympathy. Sympathy in addiction is WEAK and enabling. I definitely learned that.
I ask that you members of KTC, both new, old, and in between please take me back. I sit here at 118 days nicotine free and whether you believe it or not, I can sit here and with a smile say that. Doesn't make anything I did go away. I am prepared for my licks. I am prepared to answer anything you want both in question and in statement.
Moving forward, I plan on doing what I've been. I fight my cravings by remembering how much of a fuck I was and where I am now. I walk. I hydrate. I run. I do positive work to my mind and body because I don't plan on fast tracking my big ass into a grave. Not when I have so much to see and do.
I wear my cave as a begrudginged badge. I caved. I bitched out.
I am here now, asking you to re-accept me into the fold. My p3ers....it may take me until the morning to write my post. It may be tonight. Worse than letting down KTC was letting down you. I wasn't a quiet member and neither were you remaining guys. We talked, fought, overcome each hurdle of temptation and each disappointment of someone caving.
My life has been on track for a while now. I have fought and clawed and done so many stpes in order to right my busted and weak self. I do not plan on stopping and losing this. I also now respect this addiction. I did 100+ days before and what did it matter? I had life scares and what did it matter? Well eventually you either succumb 100% or you grab your shit and stand the fuck up.
I am standing and I am here. She is not a kick to the curb kind of whore, She is the kind always waiting and now I understand how dangerous that is. I do not want to be the next cancer statistic. I do not want to leave my girl as we are now actually enjoying our life together.
I want to share the burdens of you quitters. I know what its like to hit your milestones. I know what it's like to fall off and hide. I am now learning what it is like to accept responsibility as a man and make your dues.
KilltheCan members, will you let me return to the family?
Sincerely,
Nick
As a jan 15 guy....that might be the most in depth explanation I've ever heard. Still bullshit, but deep. I say come on over.
-
All,
Well this is long overdue. I made a promise once, broke it, made some more, broke some more, and watched some really fucked up shit happen while I sat there idly and dumb. This will be a wall and it will be jumbled and maybe incoherent.
So some of my past and then my cave and the screwed up shit afterward.
I was like many of you. Joined because I knew I had a massively destructive habit (one of many) and was too much of a puss to accept it and do anything about it for many years. Christ, I drank so much even the time frame of my quit is hazy.
So I began dipping heavily in college and afterward made some really bad personal decisions. Cheated on my fiance (a living saint), fell in love with an abusive girl, lost my job, totaled my car, gained 50lbs in alcohol and shitty food. Got into KTC through a good friend who is an addictions counselor. I was ready. It was a tin, what was the issue?
I joined KTC and the June 2013 HOF group. Made some excellent friends and I am happy, though bittersweetly, to see the closest of them are still quit. P3s, I have my post coming for you guys specifically.
Went through my 100 days. Every struggle that was outlined on the site came true. The raging, the smells, the urges. I have a bad history of oral fixation and my nails went through hell. I was damn near swallowing Jake's (miss that cranberry fakey) and going through bags of mints a week. But there was, specifically, KK, Wade, runner, and Kodiak keeping me straight. Nights were I was ready to hit the closest person toward me...I could not handle it. Or so I thought. I stayed true. Fought. Posted roll. Texted near daily with my KTC brothers. Was in the chat yelling at people.
Then the HOF. I had done it. The longest I had stuck through with a positive change in my life since highschool and it felt exhilerating. Then, the hits came and I made the excuses that lead some of us back down that shitty rabbit hole.
Lost my job due to someone's budget blunder. Was at my end with being torn between two women; one of which was a rock and the other who would throw them. My car was always breaking. I was behind on all my bills. And excuse after lame excuse. Then, I saw them as life being unfair. I was being tested unfairly and it was bullshit! Why the fuck should all this happen to me?
I managed to drag myself off the bottle long enough to land a knock out job, as a lead specialist in my career field no less. I also finally saw a shrink because in addition to the addiction, I was tired of not knowing what the hell was wrong with my on off heightened energy, spending, lack of feeling, and ability to forget depressing moments without a thought. Bi Polar manic! God damn, 2013 was a hoot.
Well a few years later, I hate that I was ever that weak. They weren't reasons. They were lame excuses. It was life and I didn't cope or even maybe want to cope with it. So the booze began to flow. And those who know me know I drank a lot. And as shitty as it sounds; and I cannot lie here, I don't even remember which night was the first when I caved. There was a 2-3 week span where I was on a fifth of 3/4s a case of booze a day. Dip just came as a natural crutch to keep that buzz going. I remember the weekend after the first week of falling back in. I was staring at an empty 40 of Ol' E with a jizz tissue and dip spit in it. I will never forget that I sat there, TV off, said Fuck it out loud then put another lip of Grizzly Mint in and down half a 40 in a single long, mint tinged gulp. I threw up, pissed my pants a few hours later, and didn't even care. Disgraceful and weak? Oh it gets even worse.
The year of 2013 saw me cave, lose friends, but also saw some new things.
My job allowed me to think and be creative but also required a tremendous load of responsibility. I got back into working out. I put back drinking to a much better amount. I repaired things with my ex-fiance (now soon to be) and removed a lot of the negative weight that was on me.
But...still dipped.
It became an after thought and I had excuse after excuse as to why. Hunger cravings? Dip. Stress? Dip. Weather was nice? Dip. Weather was bad? Dip. You get the idea.
2014 rolled in and I was at a tin a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. But I thought I was better then before so I'd be able to quit.
It wasn't until October 3rd that I said no. And how? I drove into the gas station to grab a red bull and the attendent asked if I wanted any dip. I bullshit you not, I said "Nah, I'm good". That was it. I had told myself that I couldn't be forced to quit. I watched my girlfriend's uncle struggle with jaw, mouth, and throat cancer and have a 6 month life sentence. Cause? Dipped when he was younger for ONLY 3 years. I dipped all throughout this process! Jesus fucking Christ I cannot believe I did that. It was a slap to everything he and her entire family went through. I would drive to their house, OUT FUCKING FRONT, pull out my wad spit and clean up. Half the time not even wash my mouth. Yeah, 2013 and early 2014 was bad. I was a slap in the face, inconsiderate fuck. I look at the decision in October and while I am thankful it happened, I feel disgusted it was so casual. I watched someone who I have known closely for 10 years, waste away, and did not change. He is recovering now and it looks like treatment has beaten it but I find it hard to look him in the eye and congratulate and feel apart of the celebration. I was a filthy fraud. Spitting in the face of that struggle and with no car to my own history with graff scares, bleeding gums, throw up...
So October 3rd was the day I said, I'm good. Haven't looked at it since. I depending heavily on working out to stave my cravings because afterall I had had a year and a half of abuse and putting weight on. Being a naturally addictive person, I quickly felt on top of the world and I would be the most wholesome person you have seen on the planet. (Yea my head works that way...not a peachy time)
Then MRSA hit and I was in the ER and hospital for a week. Damn near lost my arm. Came out and that day passed a sign for a sale on Cope for 1.99. I thought about it but turned away. I felt proud; however within a few hours it dawned on me. Why should I feel proud because I said no? I said no before for over a hundred days but IT WAS STILL THERE. Waiting until I gave myself enough of a pity party to put that dogshit in my mouth. It was there too. Discharged fresh from the hospital an within hours that thought crossed my mind. Did I actively want one? No. But my subconcious...that addiction...it was there. It's still there. I still force myself to think of a lip in my wrecked ass top gums (had to horseshoe because I fucked my bottom gum up so badly). I am thankful that it makes me want to gag and my stomach turns.
Yes, I can honestly say I am a lot different. I have repaired relationships, am on the constant journey of progress for myself, and even though I only quit a few months ago, I am getting in the routine of having the pieces in place. I even drink only once a week now!
But I am not right. I am not clean of the shit I pulled. The endless web of lies and deceit wrapped in a veil of alcohol so deep that even I don't know what is true and what is fake from 2012-2013. Fuck me I wish I was being dramatic. Those of you who are heavy drinkers know the effects I am talking about.
So why am I here? Because this place was the best thing that happened to me. I won't even say my girl just yet because she couldn't give me what I needed or relate to this. You guys did. And I did not understand or work to understand how serious, deep, and meaningful this place and the people within it and the impact was and is. I frequently thought during my relapse about coming back. Posting my rightful cave and then sulking back away because "I wasn't ready". I realize this is about the worst thing I could have done. I am worse than those who caved and didn't say anything or came back. I acted like a weakling and am now here to ask for forgiveness and the chance to rejoin this family. Today was difficult for me.
KK's text sent a shot through me. Reliving 2013. Reliving all that I did. Reliving the joy I felt here and the morning messages and reminders to roll call and how I missed that. How it was my fault I lost it and didn't do shit to get it back. It's embarassing and it'd be easy to avoid the site and the people. Electronic communication is simply the click of an 'Ignore' away. But I did enough of that. I hadn't owned up to years of shit I did and this was the big non-nicotine covered elephant in the room.
I am rambling. I am all over the place. It is a lot to revisit and hard to iron out what I want to say and how. I don't want, need, or am looking for sympathy. Sympathy in addiction is WEAK and enabling. I definitely learned that.
I ask that you members of KTC, both new, old, and in between please take me back. I sit here at 118 days nicotine free and whether you believe it or not, I can sit here and with a smile say that. Doesn't make anything I did go away. I am prepared for my licks. I am prepared to answer anything you want both in question and in statement.
Moving forward, I plan on doing what I've been. I fight my cravings by remembering how much of a fuck I was and where I am now. I walk. I hydrate. I run. I do positive work to my mind and body because I don't plan on fast tracking my big ass into a grave. Not when I have so much to see and do.
I wear my cave as a begrudginged badge. I caved. I bitched out.
I am here now, asking you to re-accept me into the fold. My p3ers....it may take me until the morning to write my post. It may be tonight. Worse than letting down KTC was letting down you. I wasn't a quiet member and neither were you remaining guys. We talked, fought, overcome each hurdle of temptation and each disappointment of someone caving.
My life has been on track for a while now. I have fought and clawed and done so many stpes in order to right my busted and weak self. I do not plan on stopping and losing this. I also now respect this addiction. I did 100+ days before and what did it matter? I had life scares and what did it matter? Well eventually you either succumb 100% or you grab your shit and stand the fuck up.
I am standing and I am here. She is not a kick to the curb kind of whore, She is the kind always waiting and now I understand how dangerous that is. I do not want to be the next cancer statistic. I do not want to leave my girl as we are now actually enjoying our life together.
I want to share the burdens of you quitters. I know what its like to hit your milestones. I know what it's like to fall off and hide. I am now learning what it is like to accept responsibility as a man and make your dues.
KilltheCan members, will you let me return to the family?
Sincerely,
Nick
As a jan 15 guy....that might be the most in depth explanation I've ever heard. Still bullshit, but deep. I say come on over.
Nick, you're my bud, we've had our battles and raged like crazy together. That may be the most in depth thing I have ever read for a three reasons. Proof is in the pudding, you better post in June P3's and your new group every damn day. I wont offer another life line, i stuck my neck out because I wanted you to see what you missed.
Quit on, see you tomorrow.
KK
-
All,
Well this is long overdue. I made a promise once, broke it, made some more, broke some more, and watched some really fucked up shit happen while I sat there idly and dumb. This will be a wall and it will be jumbled and maybe incoherent.
So some of my past and then my cave and the screwed up shit afterward.
I was like many of you. Joined because I knew I had a massively destructive habit (one of many) and was too much of a puss to accept it and do anything about it for many years. Christ, I drank so much even the time frame of my quit is hazy.
So I began dipping heavily in college and afterward made some really bad personal decisions. Cheated on my fiance (a living saint), fell in love with an abusive girl, lost my job, totaled my car, gained 50lbs in alcohol and shitty food. Got into KTC through a good friend who is an addictions counselor. I was ready. It was a tin, what was the issue?
I joined KTC and the June 2013 HOF group. Made some excellent friends and I am happy, though bittersweetly, to see the closest of them are still quit. P3s, I have my post coming for you guys specifically.
Went through my 100 days. Every struggle that was outlined on the site came true. The raging, the smells, the urges. I have a bad history of oral fixation and my nails went through hell. I was damn near swallowing Jake's (miss that cranberry fakey) and going through bags of mints a week. But there was, specifically, KK, Wade, runner, and Kodiak keeping me straight. Nights were I was ready to hit the closest person toward me...I could not handle it. Or so I thought. I stayed true. Fought. Posted roll. Texted near daily with my KTC brothers. Was in the chat yelling at people.
Then the HOF. I had done it. The longest I had stuck through with a positive change in my life since highschool and it felt exhilerating. Then, the hits came and I made the excuses that lead some of us back down that shitty rabbit hole.
Lost my job due to someone's budget blunder. Was at my end with being torn between two women; one of which was a rock and the other who would throw them. My car was always breaking. I was behind on all my bills. And excuse after lame excuse. Then, I saw them as life being unfair. I was being tested unfairly and it was bullshit! Why the fuck should all this happen to me?
I managed to drag myself off the bottle long enough to land a knock out job, as a lead specialist in my career field no less. I also finally saw a shrink because in addition to the addiction, I was tired of not knowing what the hell was wrong with my on off heightened energy, spending, lack of feeling, and ability to forget depressing moments without a thought. Bi Polar manic! God damn, 2013 was a hoot.
Well a few years later, I hate that I was ever that weak. They weren't reasons. They were lame excuses. It was life and I didn't cope or even maybe want to cope with it. So the booze began to flow. And those who know me know I drank a lot. And as shitty as it sounds; and I cannot lie here, I don't even remember which night was the first when I caved. There was a 2-3 week span where I was on a fifth of 3/4s a case of booze a day. Dip just came as a natural crutch to keep that buzz going. I remember the weekend after the first week of falling back in. I was staring at an empty 40 of Ol' E with a jizz tissue and dip spit in it. I will never forget that I sat there, TV off, said Fuck it out loud then put another lip of Grizzly Mint in and down half a 40 in a single long, mint tinged gulp. I threw up, pissed my pants a few hours later, and didn't even care. Disgraceful and weak? Oh it gets even worse.
The year of 2013 saw me cave, lose friends, but also saw some new things.
My job allowed me to think and be creative but also required a tremendous load of responsibility. I got back into working out. I put back drinking to a much better amount. I repaired things with my ex-fiance (now soon to be) and removed a lot of the negative weight that was on me.
But...still dipped.
It became an after thought and I had excuse after excuse as to why. Hunger cravings? Dip. Stress? Dip. Weather was nice? Dip. Weather was bad? Dip. You get the idea.
2014 rolled in and I was at a tin a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. But I thought I was better then before so I'd be able to quit.
It wasn't until October 3rd that I said no. And how? I drove into the gas station to grab a red bull and the attendent asked if I wanted any dip. I bullshit you not, I said "Nah, I'm good". That was it. I had told myself that I couldn't be forced to quit. I watched my girlfriend's uncle struggle with jaw, mouth, and throat cancer and have a 6 month life sentence. Cause? Dipped when he was younger for ONLY 3 years. I dipped all throughout this process! Jesus fucking Christ I cannot believe I did that. It was a slap to everything he and her entire family went through. I would drive to their house, OUT FUCKING FRONT, pull out my wad spit and clean up. Half the time not even wash my mouth. Yeah, 2013 and early 2014 was bad. I was a slap in the face, inconsiderate fuck. I look at the decision in October and while I am thankful it happened, I feel disgusted it was so casual. I watched someone who I have known closely for 10 years, waste away, and did not change. He is recovering now and it looks like treatment has beaten it but I find it hard to look him in the eye and congratulate and feel apart of the celebration. I was a filthy fraud. Spitting in the face of that struggle and with no car to my own history with graff scares, bleeding gums, throw up...
So October 3rd was the day I said, I'm good. Haven't looked at it since. I depending heavily on working out to stave my cravings because afterall I had had a year and a half of abuse and putting weight on. Being a naturally addictive person, I quickly felt on top of the world and I would be the most wholesome person you have seen on the planet. (Yea my head works that way...not a peachy time)
Then MRSA hit and I was in the ER and hospital for a week. Damn near lost my arm. Came out and that day passed a sign for a sale on Cope for 1.99. I thought about it but turned away. I felt proud; however within a few hours it dawned on me. Why should I feel proud because I said no? I said no before for over a hundred days but IT WAS STILL THERE. Waiting until I gave myself enough of a pity party to put that dogshit in my mouth. It was there too. Discharged fresh from the hospital an within hours that thought crossed my mind. Did I actively want one? No. But my subconcious...that addiction...it was there. It's still there. I still force myself to think of a lip in my wrecked ass top gums (had to horseshoe because I fucked my bottom gum up so badly). I am thankful that it makes me want to gag and my stomach turns.
Yes, I can honestly say I am a lot different. I have repaired relationships, am on the constant journey of progress for myself, and even though I only quit a few months ago, I am getting in the routine of having the pieces in place. I even drink only once a week now!
But I am not right. I am not clean of the shit I pulled. The endless web of lies and deceit wrapped in a veil of alcohol so deep that even I don't know what is true and what is fake from 2012-2013. Fuck me I wish I was being dramatic. Those of you who are heavy drinkers know the effects I am talking about.
So why am I here? Because this place was the best thing that happened to me. I won't even say my girl just yet because she couldn't give me what I needed or relate to this. You guys did. And I did not understand or work to understand how serious, deep, and meaningful this place and the people within it and the impact was and is. I frequently thought during my relapse about coming back. Posting my rightful cave and then sulking back away because "I wasn't ready". I realize this is about the worst thing I could have done. I am worse than those who caved and didn't say anything or came back. I acted like a weakling and am now here to ask for forgiveness and the chance to rejoin this family. Today was difficult for me.
KK's text sent a shot through me. Reliving 2013. Reliving all that I did. Reliving the joy I felt here and the morning messages and reminders to roll call and how I missed that. How it was my fault I lost it and didn't do shit to get it back. It's embarassing and it'd be easy to avoid the site and the people. Electronic communication is simply the click of an 'Ignore' away. But I did enough of that. I hadn't owned up to years of shit I did and this was the big non-nicotine covered elephant in the room.
I am rambling. I am all over the place. It is a lot to revisit and hard to iron out what I want to say and how. I don't want, need, or am looking for sympathy. Sympathy in addiction is WEAK and enabling. I definitely learned that.
I ask that you members of KTC, both new, old, and in between please take me back. I sit here at 118 days nicotine free and whether you believe it or not, I can sit here and with a smile say that. Doesn't make anything I did go away. I am prepared for my licks. I am prepared to answer anything you want both in question and in statement.
Moving forward, I plan on doing what I've been. I fight my cravings by remembering how much of a fuck I was and where I am now. I walk. I hydrate. I run. I do positive work to my mind and body because I don't plan on fast tracking my big ass into a grave. Not when I have so much to see and do.
I wear my cave as a begrudginged badge. I caved. I bitched out.
I am here now, asking you to re-accept me into the fold. My p3ers....it may take me until the morning to write my post. It may be tonight. Worse than letting down KTC was letting down you. I wasn't a quiet member and neither were you remaining guys. We talked, fought, overcome each hurdle of temptation and each disappointment of someone caving.
My life has been on track for a while now. I have fought and clawed and done so many stpes in order to right my busted and weak self. I do not plan on stopping and losing this. I also now respect this addiction. I did 100+ days before and what did it matter? I had life scares and what did it matter? Well eventually you either succumb 100% or you grab your shit and stand the fuck up.
I am standing and I am here. She is not a kick to the curb kind of whore, She is the kind always waiting and now I understand how dangerous that is. I do not want to be the next cancer statistic. I do not want to leave my girl as we are now actually enjoying our life together.
I want to share the burdens of you quitters. I know what its like to hit your milestones. I know what it's like to fall off and hide. I am now learning what it is like to accept responsibility as a man and make your dues.
KilltheCan members, will you let me return to the family?
Sincerely,
Nick
As a jan 15 guy....that might be the most in depth explanation I've ever heard. Still bullshit, but deep. I say come on over.
Nick, you're my bud, we've had our battles and raged like crazy together. That may be the most in depth thing I have ever read for a three reasons. Proof is in the pudding, you better post in June P3's and your new group every damn day. I wont offer another life line, i stuck my neck out because I wanted you to see what you missed.
Quit on, see you tomorrow.
KK
Welcome back keep and keep strong. Ill be watching for your posts.
Runner
-
All,
Well this is long overdue. I made a promise once, broke it, made some more, broke some more, and watched some really fucked up shit happen while I sat there idly and dumb. This will be a wall and it will be jumbled and maybe incoherent.
So some of my past and then my cave and the screwed up shit afterward.
I was like many of you. Joined because I knew I had a massively destructive habit (one of many) and was too much of a puss to accept it and do anything about it for many years. Christ, I drank so much even the time frame of my quit is hazy.
So I began dipping heavily in college and afterward made some really bad personal decisions. Cheated on my fiance (a living saint), fell in love with an abusive girl, lost my job, totaled my car, gained 50lbs in alcohol and shitty food. Got into KTC through a good friend who is an addictions counselor. I was ready. It was a tin, what was the issue?
I joined KTC and the June 2013 HOF group. Made some excellent friends and I am happy, though bittersweetly, to see the closest of them are still quit. P3s, I have my post coming for you guys specifically.
Went through my 100 days. Every struggle that was outlined on the site came true. The raging, the smells, the urges. I have a bad history of oral fixation and my nails went through hell. I was damn near swallowing Jake's (miss that cranberry fakey) and going through bags of mints a week. But there was, specifically, KK, Wade, runner, and Kodiak keeping me straight. Nights were I was ready to hit the closest person toward me...I could not handle it. Or so I thought. I stayed true. Fought. Posted roll. Texted near daily with my KTC brothers. Was in the chat yelling at people.
Then the HOF. I had done it. The longest I had stuck through with a positive change in my life since highschool and it felt exhilerating. Then, the hits came and I made the excuses that lead some of us back down that shitty rabbit hole.
Lost my job due to someone's budget blunder. Was at my end with being torn between two women; one of which was a rock and the other who would throw them. My car was always breaking. I was behind on all my bills. And excuse after lame excuse. Then, I saw them as life being unfair. I was being tested unfairly and it was bullshit! Why the fuck should all this happen to me?
I managed to drag myself off the bottle long enough to land a knock out job, as a lead specialist in my career field no less. I also finally saw a shrink because in addition to the addiction, I was tired of not knowing what the hell was wrong with my on off heightened energy, spending, lack of feeling, and ability to forget depressing moments without a thought. Bi Polar manic! God damn, 2013 was a hoot.
Well a few years later, I hate that I was ever that weak. They weren't reasons. They were lame excuses. It was life and I didn't cope or even maybe want to cope with it. So the booze began to flow. And those who know me know I drank a lot. And as shitty as it sounds; and I cannot lie here, I don't even remember which night was the first when I caved. There was a 2-3 week span where I was on a fifth of 3/4s a case of booze a day. Dip just came as a natural crutch to keep that buzz going. I remember the weekend after the first week of falling back in. I was staring at an empty 40 of Ol' E with a jizz tissue and dip spit in it. I will never forget that I sat there, TV off, said Fuck it out loud then put another lip of Grizzly Mint in and down half a 40 in a single long, mint tinged gulp. I threw up, pissed my pants a few hours later, and didn't even care. Disgraceful and weak? Oh it gets even worse.
The year of 2013 saw me cave, lose friends, but also saw some new things.
My job allowed me to think and be creative but also required a tremendous load of responsibility. I got back into working out. I put back drinking to a much better amount. I repaired things with my ex-fiance (now soon to be) and removed a lot of the negative weight that was on me.
But...still dipped.
It became an after thought and I had excuse after excuse as to why. Hunger cravings? Dip. Stress? Dip. Weather was nice? Dip. Weather was bad? Dip. You get the idea.
2014 rolled in and I was at a tin a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. But I thought I was better then before so I'd be able to quit.
It wasn't until October 3rd that I said no. And how? I drove into the gas station to grab a red bull and the attendent asked if I wanted any dip. I bullshit you not, I said "Nah, I'm good". That was it. I had told myself that I couldn't be forced to quit. I watched my girlfriend's uncle struggle with jaw, mouth, and throat cancer and have a 6 month life sentence. Cause? Dipped when he was younger for ONLY 3 years. I dipped all throughout this process! Jesus fucking Christ I cannot believe I did that. It was a slap to everything he and her entire family went through. I would drive to their house, OUT FUCKING FRONT, pull out my wad spit and clean up. Half the time not even wash my mouth. Yeah, 2013 and early 2014 was bad. I was a slap in the face, inconsiderate fuck. I look at the decision in October and while I am thankful it happened, I feel disgusted it was so casual. I watched someone who I have known closely for 10 years, waste away, and did not change. He is recovering now and it looks like treatment has beaten it but I find it hard to look him in the eye and congratulate and feel apart of the celebration. I was a filthy fraud. Spitting in the face of that struggle and with no car to my own history with graff scares, bleeding gums, throw up...
So October 3rd was the day I said, I'm good. Haven't looked at it since. I depending heavily on working out to stave my cravings because afterall I had had a year and a half of abuse and putting weight on. Being a naturally addictive person, I quickly felt on top of the world and I would be the most wholesome person you have seen on the planet. (Yea my head works that way...not a peachy time)
Then MRSA hit and I was in the ER and hospital for a week. Damn near lost my arm. Came out and that day passed a sign for a sale on Cope for 1.99. I thought about it but turned away. I felt proud; however within a few hours it dawned on me. Why should I feel proud because I said no? I said no before for over a hundred days but IT WAS STILL THERE. Waiting until I gave myself enough of a pity party to put that dogshit in my mouth. It was there too. Discharged fresh from the hospital an within hours that thought crossed my mind. Did I actively want one? No. But my subconcious...that addiction...it was there. It's still there. I still force myself to think of a lip in my wrecked ass top gums (had to horseshoe because I fucked my bottom gum up so badly). I am thankful that it makes me want to gag and my stomach turns.
Yes, I can honestly say I am a lot different. I have repaired relationships, am on the constant journey of progress for myself, and even though I only quit a few months ago, I am getting in the routine of having the pieces in place. I even drink only once a week now!
But I am not right. I am not clean of the shit I pulled. The endless web of lies and deceit wrapped in a veil of alcohol so deep that even I don't know what is true and what is fake from 2012-2013. Fuck me I wish I was being dramatic. Those of you who are heavy drinkers know the effects I am talking about.
So why am I here? Because this place was the best thing that happened to me. I won't even say my girl just yet because she couldn't give me what I needed or relate to this. You guys did. And I did not understand or work to understand how serious, deep, and meaningful this place and the people within it and the impact was and is. I frequently thought during my relapse about coming back. Posting my rightful cave and then sulking back away because "I wasn't ready". I realize this is about the worst thing I could have done. I am worse than those who caved and didn't say anything or came back. I acted like a weakling and am now here to ask for forgiveness and the chance to rejoin this family. Today was difficult for me.
KK's text sent a shot through me. Reliving 2013. Reliving all that I did. Reliving the joy I felt here and the morning messages and reminders to roll call and how I missed that. How it was my fault I lost it and didn't do shit to get it back. It's embarassing and it'd be easy to avoid the site and the people. Electronic communication is simply the click of an 'Ignore' away. But I did enough of that. I hadn't owned up to years of shit I did and this was the big non-nicotine covered elephant in the room.
I am rambling. I am all over the place. It is a lot to revisit and hard to iron out what I want to say and how. I don't want, need, or am looking for sympathy. Sympathy in addiction is WEAK and enabling. I definitely learned that.
I ask that you members of KTC, both new, old, and in between please take me back. I sit here at 118 days nicotine free and whether you believe it or not, I can sit here and with a smile say that. Doesn't make anything I did go away. I am prepared for my licks. I am prepared to answer anything you want both in question and in statement.
Moving forward, I plan on doing what I've been. I fight my cravings by remembering how much of a fuck I was and where I am now. I walk. I hydrate. I run. I do positive work to my mind and body because I don't plan on fast tracking my big ass into a grave. Not when I have so much to see and do.
I wear my cave as a begrudginged badge. I caved. I bitched out.
I am here now, asking you to re-accept me into the fold. My p3ers....it may take me until the morning to write my post. It may be tonight. Worse than letting down KTC was letting down you. I wasn't a quiet member and neither were you remaining guys. We talked, fought, overcome each hurdle of temptation and each disappointment of someone caving.
My life has been on track for a while now. I have fought and clawed and done so many stpes in order to right my busted and weak self. I do not plan on stopping and losing this. I also now respect this addiction. I did 100+ days before and what did it matter? I had life scares and what did it matter? Well eventually you either succumb 100% or you grab your shit and stand the fuck up.
I am standing and I am here. She is not a kick to the curb kind of whore, She is the kind always waiting and now I understand how dangerous that is. I do not want to be the next cancer statistic. I do not want to leave my girl as we are now actually enjoying our life together.
I want to share the burdens of you quitters. I know what its like to hit your milestones. I know what it's like to fall off and hide. I am now learning what it is like to accept responsibility as a man and make your dues.
KilltheCan members, will you let me return to the family?
Sincerely,
Nick
As a jan 15 guy....that might be the most in depth explanation I've ever heard. Still bullshit, but deep. I say come on over.
Nick, you're my bud, we've had our battles and raged like crazy together. That may be the most in depth thing I have ever read for a three reasons. Proof is in the pudding, you better post in June P3's and your new group every damn day. I wont offer another life line, i stuck my neck out because I wanted you to see what you missed.
Quit on, see you tomorrow.
KK
Welcome back keep and keep strong. Ill be watching for your posts.
Runner
Yogi, That was deep and illustrates the the f'ed up reality of addiction we share. Everyone has their own reason to cave. We all know that it just doesn't end up in our mouth like when you unexpectedly stub a toe or get stung by a bee. It is a conscious decision every day of our lives.
The party isn't over at 100 days, 200 days or 1,000 days quit. When you look back that number is just a reflection of choices made each day... nothing special separates 3,000 days from 5 days. We are always one bad decision from caving. What matters is sticking around and making a promise to your brothers, by posting roll, that you will stay quit.
In the words of KK "Quit on, see you tomorrow."
EFNKodiak
-
Thank you guys. It means a lot to me to be welcomed back, especially you P3Ers. shocker