KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: bec3ste on September 07, 2017, 01:47:00 PM
-
Forgive me in advance if I've come to the wrong place and this website and forum is only for individuals who want to quit. But I'm feeling a bit desperate. I have a beautiful, wonderful 23 year old son who is addicted to smokeless tobacco. He started when he was about 16 or 17 when he was playing sports in high school. We knew he kept it up in college because we'd find bottles full of the tobacco spit all around his room after he had been home for vacations. There would be a lot of bottles, some "hidden" (ie under the bed).
I've tried everything -- from talking to him, pleading with him ... I even sent him a folder of horrible pictures of young people whose faces were destroyed by cancer. I sent him the link to your site. My son is a smart kid, he's planning on going to medical school next year, so he knows the health risk, but it's an addiction he's not facing up to. I've tried to tell him we are there to help him beat this, but he denies he's still using it. I know he's not telling me the truth because every time he comes home to visit I find empty canisters all around his room after he's left.
Please please please, does anyone have any suggestions of what I can do to help my son get the help he needs to quit? My heart is breaking knowing he's killing himself and I can't do anything to stop it.
Thank you. Again, I'm sorry if this isn't appropriate and if this forum is only for those who are trying to quit. If I shouldn't be on this forum, do you have any suggestions of where I can go?
-
Forgive me in advance if I've come to the wrong place and this website and forum is only for individuals who want to quit. But I'm feeling a bit desperate. I have a beautiful, wonderful 23 year old son who is addicted to smokeless tobacco. He started when he was about 16 or 17 when he was playing sports in high school. We knew he kept it up in college because we'd find bottles full of the tobacco spit all around his room after he had been home for vacations. There would be a lot of bottles, some "hidden" (ie under the bed).
I've tried everything -- from talking to him, pleading with him ... I even sent him a folder of horrible pictures of young people whose faces were destroyed by cancer. I sent him the link to your site. My son is a smart kid, he's planning on going to medical school next year, so he knows the health risk, but it's an addiction he's not facing up to. I've tried to tell him we are there to help him beat this, but he denies he's still using it. I know he's not telling me the truth because every time he comes home to visit I find empty canisters all around his room after he's left.
Please please please, does anyone have any suggestions of what I can do to help my son get the help he needs to quit? My heart is breaking knowing he's killing himself and I can't do anything to stop it.
Thank you. Again, I'm sorry if this isn't appropriate and if this forum is only for those who are trying to quit. If I shouldn't be on this forum, do you have any suggestions of where I can go?
No worries... you are more than welcome here!
Sadly... you've done all you can. Each person battling their addiction, and doing it successfully, is doing it for themselves. Y'see... in order for it to mean something for that person it HAS to be a completely selfish thing. We can't quit for someone else...
Giving him the link to this site is the best place to leave it. We are him... if he bothers to look, I guarantee it will be quite a shock to find out he's not alone or as "ninja" as he thinks. Don't force it. That just never works. Trust me... we ALL know that to be true. Keep this site in front of him without nagging him about it... if you can. Everything he needs... EVERYTHING... is on this site.
We would love to see him here...
-
Forgive me in advance if I've come to the wrong place and this website and forum is only for individuals who want to quit. But I'm feeling a bit desperate. I have a beautiful, wonderful 23 year old son who is addicted to smokeless tobacco. He started when he was about 16 or 17 when he was playing sports in high school. We knew he kept it up in college because we'd find bottles full of the tobacco spit all around his room after he had been home for vacations. There would be a lot of bottles, some "hidden" (ie under the bed).
I've tried everything -- from talking to him, pleading with him ... I even sent him a folder of horrible pictures of young people whose faces were destroyed by cancer. I sent him the link to your site. My son is a smart kid, he's planning on going to medical school next year, so he knows the health risk, but it's an addiction he's not facing up to. I've tried to tell him we are there to help him beat this, but he denies he's still using it. I know he's not telling me the truth because every time he comes home to visit I find empty canisters all around his room after he's left.
Please please please, does anyone have any suggestions of what I can do to help my son get the help he needs to quit? My heart is breaking knowing he's killing himself and I can't do anything to stop it.
Thank you. Again, I'm sorry if this isn't appropriate and if this forum is only for those who are trying to quit. If I shouldn't be on this forum, do you have any suggestions of where I can go?
No worries... you are more than welcome here!
Sadly... you've done all you can. Each person battling their addiction, and doing it successfully, is doing it for themselves. Y'see... in order for it to mean something for that person it HAS to be a completely selfish thing. We can't quit for someone else...
Giving him the link to this site is the best place to leave it. We are him... if he bothers to look, I guarantee it will be quite a shock to find out he's not alone or as "ninja" as he thinks. Don't force it. That just never works. Trust me... we ALL know that to be true. Keep this site in front of him without nagging him about it... if you can. Everything he needs... EVERYTHING... is on this site.
We would love to see him here...
Print this page to let him know how you feel as well how we feel about getting him in here to help this lucky potential quitter.
Why Lucky:
1. He is young - I wish i could go back to the young 20 something me and quit then (would have saved 20k over the past 10 years) - would go a long way towards student loans...
2. He clearly has your support (but as stated dont try and force it)
3. He is but a few mouse clicks away from help from thousands of people who know what it is like to be in his shoes.
Good luck bud hope to see you in here asap!
-
I was asked, begged, even offered money throughout my many years of using, to quit. Each and every single time someone said something I rolled my eyes at them. The only answer I can honestly give you is that, it's going to have to be his decision. I do hope and pray that he makes the decision to quit.
-
Forgive me in advance if I've come to the wrong place and this website and forum is only for individuals who want to quit. But I'm feeling a bit desperate. I have a beautiful, wonderful 23 year old son who is addicted to smokeless tobacco. He started when he was about 16 or 17 when he was playing sports in high school. We knew he kept it up in college because we'd find bottles full of the tobacco spit all around his room after he had been home for vacations. There would be a lot of bottles, some "hidden" (ie under the bed).
I've tried everything -- from talking to him, pleading with him ... I even sent him a folder of horrible pictures of young people whose faces were destroyed by cancer. I sent him the link to your site. My son is a smart kid, he's planning on going to medical school next year, so he knows the health risk, but it's an addiction he's not facing up to. I've tried to tell him we are there to help him beat this, but he denies he's still using it. I know he's not telling me the truth because every time he comes home to visit I find empty canisters all around his room after he's left.
Please please please, does anyone have any suggestions of what I can do to help my son get the help he needs to quit? My heart is breaking knowing he's killing himself and I can't do anything to stop it.
Thank you. Again, I'm sorry if this isn't appropriate and if this forum is only for those who are trying to quit. If I shouldn't be on this forum, do you have any suggestions of where I can go?
No worries... you are more than welcome here!
Sadly... you've done all you can. Each person battling their addiction, and doing it successfully, is doing it for themselves. Y'see... in order for it to mean something for that person it HAS to be a completely selfish thing. We can't quit for someone else...
Giving him the link to this site is the best place to leave it. We are him... if he bothers to look, I guarantee it will be quite a shock to find out he's not alone or as "ninja" as he thinks. Don't force it. That just never works. Trust me... we ALL know that to be true. Keep this site in front of him without nagging him about it... if you can. Everything he needs... EVERYTHING... is on this site.
We would love to see him here...
Print this page to let him know how you feel as well how we feel about getting him in here to help this lucky potential quitter.
Why Lucky:
1. He is young - I wish i could go back to the young 20 something me and quit then (would have saved 20k over the past 10 years) - would go a long way towards student loans...
2. He clearly has your support (but as stated dont try and force it)
3. He is but a few mouse clicks away from help from thousands of people who know what it is like to be in his shoes.
Good luck bud hope to see you in here asap!
Kind of echoing what these guys are saying, there really isn't much you can do to force someone to quit who doesn't want to. By being combative, you'll just be driving a wedge in the relationship and maybe even make him more adamantly stubborn against quitting. I think at this point, he knows how you feel about the issue, so while you can continue to show that you'll be a supportive pillar in his life, don't badger the issue.
If he's like most of us, he probably does recognize a problem on some level. As a young guy, he might just be kicking the problem down the road until it becomes something more dire. Hopefully he does at least approach this site for some info and perspective from others who have been down that same road. He probably does have quitting on the brain in at least some capacity - most of us spent years with the thoughts of quitting before actually doing it. I'll be hoping and praying for you that your son does decide to quit sooner than later, before this addiction becomes the financial and health burden that it becomes to so many.
-
What got you to quit? I understand you can't make someone quit who isn't ready. But something got everyone on this site to make that decision. I've read lots of stories about alcoholics who seek help after they've hit rock bottom -- like waking up in the gutter or losing their job or something. What is it that makes someone kick tobacco? SOMETHING got all of you to make the choice to get help. What was it? Should I try to get his twin brother or sister to talk to him? I can't just stand by and watch my son slowly kill himself.
-
What got you to quit? I understand you can't make someone quit who isn't ready. But something got everyone on this site to make that decision. I've read lots of stories about alcoholics who seek help after they've hit rock bottom -- like waking up in the gutter or losing their job or something. What is it that makes someone kick tobacco? SOMETHING got all of you to make the choice to get help. What was it? Should I try to get his twin brother or sister to talk to him? I can't just stand by and watch my son slowly kill himself.
There definitely isn't one answer to that question. If you read through the Intro pages here, you'll find a bunch of different catalysts that led to people posting here. I've seen everything from a cancer scare to trying to give it up for Lent. I think for many of us, we just got tired of the constant cycle of addiction, lying, hiding, wasting money and giving up control.
I can't tell you what will prompt your son to quit, but I can tell you what won't. Fear, outside pressure, nagging, trying to please friends and family. All of those things might be a catalyst, but if the underlying desire to be quit isn't there, it isn't going to happen.
I do have an idea though. Make a bet with him. Posting Roll is the quit program here and basically it's a promise not to use any nicotine product for one day. We use 100 days as the first major milestone, so that might be a good place to start. Bet him to create an account and post roll with us here for 100 days straight. Offer up a prize that will catch his interest and put no conditions on it other than he post roll every day for 100 days. At the end of 100 days, follow up on your end of the bet. You don't tell him he has to quit forever, don't get preachy or dramatic, just appeal to his competitive side and make a wager.
What you're hoping to see is that somewhere along those 100 days he actually discovers that he wants it. It's possible that on day 101, he goes right back to the can, but what that means is that he truly wasn't ready to quit and there was nothing you could have done anyway.
I will warn you that it won't be pretty. If he comes in here with a "I'm only here because my mommy said she'd buy me a pony" he's going to get straightened out right quick. This community is serious about quitting and we only accept people who are serious. His choice will be to get serious or fail. He will also have to have some integrity and put some value behind his word. Dishonesty is completely unacceptable here and he needs to know that going into it.
Anyway, that's my idea. See if you can at least get him in the door and maybe he'll discover along the way that it really is time to quit.
-
Thank you for this great suggestion, I will show him Posting Roll.
(And I won't promise him a pony :) )
-
Thank you for this great suggestion, I will show him Posting Roll.
(And I won't promise him a pony :) )
One other suggestion that I'll make... If he does decide to take you up on the bet, you should not check in on him using your account. Maybe put a condition on it that if you ask to see his Roll Post, he needs to show that he's done it, but that you won't be looking in over his shoulder using your own account.
Quitting nicotine is messy business. It leads to some raw feelings and frankly I wouldn't want my mother reading everything I've put up on this site. This site can be a superb resource to vent, ask questions and work out the issues inherently associated with a radical shift in brain chemistry. Members here need to feel comfortable expressing themselves, so you should respect that with him.
Not saying you wouldn't respect his privacy, I just know I'd be tempted to censor myself if I thought my momma was reading over my shoulder.
Anyway, I'm rooting for you guys. I hope to see something happen because I can feel your frustration and can tell you're doing everything you can.
-
I can't add a tremendous amount that these tremendous quitters have not already said, but I absolutely love this topic and it absolutely belongs here. Here's the only thing I have to add. This conversation, for us, is a COMPLETELY different conversation than it is for him. I was him only four or five months ago, and I basically wanted to tell people to go to hell for asking me to quit. If you put this kind of conversation in front of him and ask him to read it, any number of variations of "F*%k this" will go through his head if he doesn't outright say it.
Think about it this way. He is an addict. We are addicts. He will fight at immeasurable cost to keep feeding his addiction. We will fight at immeasurable cost to overcome the addict within us. It is a true dichotomy of contrasting fights that make absolutely no sense to a non-addict. It made no sense to us before we finally made up our OWN minds to quit. Addiction is a messed up disease. It's completely irrational, and he will see this topic in grossly irrational ways. We all did, too.
I'll offer up one other "bet" you can make with him. Send somebody like Applejack or pky1520 a private message and ask for their cell number. Bet your son a steak dinner he can't talk to one of them on the phone for 5 minutes without at least telling them, "I'll seriously think about quitting. I promise." It's his decision and always will be, but the brotherhood of this place is what makes it special and makes the success rate here an anomaly compared to other quit methods. Five minutes of talking to one of those badasses might help. Bribery is completely permissible in this case. Good luck to you, mama. (This sounds like something my mama would do; that's why you get the title of Mama here.)
-
What got you to quit? I understand you can't make someone quit who isn't ready. But something got everyone on this site to make that decision. I've read lots of stories about alcoholics who seek help after they've hit rock bottom -- like waking up in the gutter or losing their job or something. What is it that makes someone kick tobacco? SOMETHING got all of you to make the choice to get help. What was it? Should I try to get his twin brother or sister to talk to him? I can't just stand by and watch my son slowly kill himself.
I don't know what actually will help you son in the spot he is in. But I can share my story. And you seem awful similar to my own mom. I started smoking and chewing early, around 14. As a smart kid on his way to college i never thought I'd use nicotine longer than 22 or 23. Thats what I told myself. But as the years past I pushed my quit deadline... 22 to 26 to 28 before I gave up. I sort of accepted nicotine as part of my life. This did not happen with out shame. But the shame was countered by the fact that so many people around me chewed or smoked. You have to removed yourself from situations where other people are smoking or chewing... That is step one. Then you have to go cold turkey because you want to stop. Then you need the support from groups like KTC... And from Family...
-
Hey,
I felt that I had to post because your son sounds exactly like me. I'm 22, I started in high school with sports, and I have been hiding bottles from my parents since forever. They would catch me often and we had lots of long talks. In the long run, when the guilt wore away, the cravings were stronger.
I told my parents I would quit for them multiple times but it wasn't until I decided to quit for myself that I did anything. It is easy to rationalize especially with how strong this addiction is. For me, this story was the last straw.
I am a broke college student (not so much after quitting). I do not have a girlfriend but I would like one very much. I met a fantastic girl at a party and wouldn't you know it? I ran out of dip at the party. I was drinking, so I couldn't drive. I ended up leaving her to walk 3 miles to the nearest gas station with just nickels and dimes from my center console to buy a can of dip (it was all I had on me until my paycheck). This is what happened. I didn't have enough money to get the dip I wanted, so I called my friend to come and get me and lend me a couple of bucks. Also, I never saw the girl again and I missed a great party. After this I was fed up.
My advice to you is to keep supporting your son and encouraging him to quit. When I was dipping, I never wanted to talk to my parents about it. But because they were so supportive and constant in (nagging) me, it was easy to go to them when I decided to quit because I knew that they would be proud. Now, they know that my strongest cravings are after dinner so we go on walks together. Best of luck to your son.
-
RossBoss -- how long ago did you quit?
-
I used tobacco for 35 years. I got tired of it. My advice to you dad is to not stop talking to your son and asking him to quit. I hope your relationship with your son is strong. If so, I think he will eventually get to the point where he listens to you. I understand the idea that he has to want to quit for himself. I believe that this is true. I know for me it took others asking me to quit to keep the idea of quitting in my head. Dont give up dad. I believe that there will come a day that your son will thank you for riding him and begging him to quit. Hopefully you can get your son to start reading some things on this site. Wont take long for him to find something that clicks with him and he will start to get motivated to want to quit. good luck and keep the talk of quitting in your sons head.
-
I used tobacco for 35 years. I got tired of it. My advice to you dad is to not stop talking to your son and asking him to quit. I hope your relationship with your son is strong. If so, I think he will eventually get to the point where he listens to you. I understand the idea that he has to want to quit for himself. I believe that this is true. I know for me it took others asking me to quit to keep the idea of quitting in my head. Dont give up dad. I believe that there will come a day that your son will thank you for riding him and begging him to quit. Hopefully you can get your son to start reading some things on this site. Wont take long for him to find something that clicks with him and he will start to get motivated to want to quit. good luck and keep the talk of quitting in your sons head.
Well BrianG said dad and I thought it was mom. Whichever one of us is wrong, we're sorry. It just sounded EXACTLY like something my mom would do.
-
Yes, I'm his mom writing, not his dad, although I showed him this site. My husband is just as distraught and sad; he lost his only sibling to MS so knows what it's like to helplessly watch someone you love suffer. Our son is suffering from an addiction and we can't help him. No amount of talking to him has worked so far.
Thank you to everyone who gave me suggestions, insight and advice. It's helpful and appreciated. It's left me both discouraged because it apparent there is very little I can do; quitting has to come from him. But I'm sooo encouraged because it seems like there are a lot of people here who want to help him if he reaches out.
I don't believe hope is a strategy, but in this case it's the only strategy I can have. I hope this time when I point him to this site he will log on. I hope he reads the stories. I hope he takes the 100 day challenge. I hope he finds the strength to keep trying until he's really kicked the habit. I hope he doesnÂ’t get cancer.
Like any mother, if there was some way I could make it easier for my son, I would give my life to do so. He's still so young (he's just 23). I'm going to talk to him about all of the recommendations made here, including having him reach out with a private message to try to talk to someone one on one. Thank you all so much.
-
I'm pretty much a newbie here, only quit for 41 days, but I love the idea of getting your son to talk to a master of quit like Apple Jack or pky1520. They have been around long enough to call bs on any excuse he may come up with. they will call him on his addict speak and may offer the best option to get him to be the one who wants to quit. AS already said though, it will never last until he wants to be quit and is willing to do the work to make it stick. As many on here will tell you or him, he will need to come to hate nicotine and work as hard on his quit as he ever did on hiding his usage in the past. Good luck and I also like the idea of the 100 day bet
-
Im gonna be pretty direct...
You need to be there to support your son. You need to let him know that you will be there when he is ready to quit. Then you need to stop. This addiction is as strong as heroin. If you continue obsessing about this and talking with him about this when the conversation isn't initiated by him, you will almost certainly drive a big wedge in your relationship with your son. That wedge will not help you or him. And it won't make him quit. Quitting is his decision alone.
Applejack gave you sound advice. Follow it.
-
Im gonna be pretty direct...
You need to be there to support your son. You need to let him know that you will be there when he is ready to quit. Then you need to stop. This addiction is as strong as heroin. If you continue obsessing about this and talking with him about this when the conversation isn't initiated by him, you will almost certainly drive a big wedge in your relationship with your son. That wedge will not help you or him. And it won't make him quit. Quitting is his decision alone.
Applejack gave you sound advice. Follow it.
^^^ This is a guy I gab with everyday. I trust his advice and insight with my whole heart and mind.
He's right.
Get this site on your son's radar then stop.
Really... stop.
Nobody likes to be smothered, and an addict ?... yeah, you WILL make it worse by nagging it. I hope you understand/know that we're not trying to devalue your desire to help but... you absolutely can NOT push this. Not at all.
We'll be ready for him when/if he shows up...
-
Curious to know if you're following our excellent advice or doing the opposite.
Let us know?
-
not a whole lot much else to add other than I share/shared a lot of qualities with your son, speaking plainly and hopefully w/o hubris, and hopefully my reasons to quit can shed some perspective on what might get him there
-young-ish (25)
-in shape
-successful for his age or with big dreams (med school, etc.)
-Can't remember what else you said but generally I see a lot of similarities
QED: doesn't fit the stereotype of the country bumpkin dipper redneck
A couple facts that held true for me, might shed some perspective on your son:
-Nothing my parents said at all got me to quit. That's not being a rebellious teenager/young adult, fact is a young 20-something male is (largely) making decisions for his young 20-something male self, bc he has his first taste of a paycheck, maybe an apartment, car/car loan, who knows. Point is, independence is in full swing, and the "parental influence" plummets off around this point.
-Dipping is getting pretty wide-spread so it's not as outrageous as your generation probably remembers it. I have finance bros in manhattan, to nature dudes out in denver, all who I grew up with, all from suburban manhattan, who dip. Essentially, the elite northeastern assholes are doing it now so the stigma is going away.
-There's probably some cause to why he does it, as the full blown 30-yr addiction hasn't taken hold at this point: I'm in the military, throwing in a hammer, picking up your shit and doing whatever unpleasant task ahead of you is a time-honored tradition, both because it's hard to fall asleep w/ it, and. ........ reasons/reasons/reasons, I'm mature enough at this point to know a lot of it is bullshit, but I sure had reasons
Why did I quit:
-It sucks to be in your 20s and see your teeth and gums taking a beating that they shouldn't (which I started to notice for me right around year 6 of dip), on purely vanity reasons. There's not much you can to do convince him, but he likely is starting to notice like I did (should my gums really be that receded?)
-Health reasons, in a holistic millennial way: being in shape/eating well/having your shit together is a trend that I've fully bought into. It became impossible to square the one aspect of my life that wasn't in line with all of this, with continuing to dip. Cancer in 20 years is way too long term to worry about.
-It was on my mind for a while, bc I knew the 20 yr dipper future ahead of me. I worked with a lot of guys who were in this position, and it's not pretty, and they hate that they are in it, but at 20+ years of dip, that's another ball game. I wished I hadn't started at 18, but enjoyed doing it, but didn't want to be unable to quit when I was 40. Hopefully that makes sense
-It was getting out of control: training was a tin a day but on steroids, holding a lip in for hours as I mindlessly droned about doing whatever it was we were doing, plus the bad oral hygiene that unfortunately accompanies field problems (think: camping). I came back from one extended training exercise last December, brushed my teeth, and my gums bled for the first time in 25 years, and then this kept happening for a scary 1.5 weeks before a dentist cleared me of anything serious. Then, I could drinking water with a dip in. Then I was gutting spit from pouches. I saw the next obvious step which was a level of not-in-control-of-myself that I didn't want to be in
-I got engaged to a very long term gf, so it was just all these factors together at the right time. Get my shit together, square the rest of my personality with the one serious outlier (my addiction), and be there for my wife because it was massively selfish to bring her into something that was damaging my health, and by extension, her life.
So point is, he's probably thinking about some of this stuff. In a non-nagging way (or there's no point to even doing it), see if you can ask about the above points and ask what he thinks about it to guide his thinking.
The only way to get someone to do what you want is by them wanting to do it themselves, those were the reasons I wanted to, maybe ask him about it and see if it gets him thinking.
-
Apple Jack -- I'll tell you where I'm landing:
Everyone is unanimous that I'm not going to be able to do much to get him to quit, that it has to be his decision. So then the question is how do I best let him know we are there to support him, without in any way making him feel like we are nagging him. That's a fine line and complicated because what I may see as supporting him, he could view as nagging. What I say is less important than what he hears.
I only became really aware of how addicted he is in the past couple of years, and since then I've maybe had 3 or 4 interactions with him on it. I sent him a packet of photos and articles (some from this website) asking him to think hard about what he was doing. Another time I texted him a photo of the 30+ can's I found under a couch from our basement when we were getting rid of it (I have no idea when they accumulated there, it might have been years.) The last time I talked to him about it was last fall when, after finding spit bottles after he left to go back to school, I insisted he go to a dentist to make sure there weren't any signs of mouth cancer or something. He said he went, he later admitted he lied. Many people here have comments on how they hated the lies. I believe my son has to feel bad about lying to me. He has a strong moral compass and I want to believe he wouldn't lie if he wasn't an addict.
I knew he used in high school, but other than us telling him we didn't agree with his choice, I knew we weren't about to make him stop. He's a great kid who usually makes good choices. Besides, I figured he'd stop when he went to college. If anything, I wonder if his dad and I should have been more stern in our condemnation. A very strong addiction gene runs through our families (multiple alcoholics on both sides); we were much harsher about his weed habit.
So what I'm going to do is this .... make a print out of the comments on this forum and sent it to him. emailing him the link is too easy to delete and forget. I'm going to ask that he talk to you for 5 minutes. IF any one person might have sway, it seems like it could be you. But I won't really know if he'll call you, I can ask but he hasn't earned my trust on this topic. I'll also ask he take the 100 day challenge. And then I'll do nothing except let him know when I see him we are there to help if he wants our help. He lives 3000 miles away so we're powerless anyway to see any changes in his usage.
Do you agree with my plan? What would you do differently?
-
Apple Jack -- I'll tell you where I'm landing:
Everyone is unanimous that I'm not going to be able to do much to get him to quit, that it has to be his decision. So then the question is how do I best let him know we are there to support him, without in any way making him feel like we are nagging him. That's a fine line and complicated because what I may see as supporting him, he could view as nagging. What I say is less important than what he hears.
I only became really aware of how addicted he is in the past couple of years, and since then I've maybe had 3 or 4 interactions with him on it. I sent him a packet of photos and articles (some from this website) asking him to think hard about what he was doing. Another time I texted him a photo of the 30+ can's I found under a couch from our basement when we were getting rid of it (I have no idea when they accumulated there, it might have been years.) The last time I talked to him about it was last fall when, after finding spit bottles after he left to go back to school, I insisted he go to a dentist to make sure there weren't any signs of mouth cancer or something. He said he went, he later admitted he lied. Many people here have comments on how they hated the lies. I believe my son has to feel bad about lying to me. He has a strong moral compass and I want to believe he wouldn't lie if he wasn't an addict.
I knew he used in high school, but other than us telling him we didn't agree with his choice, I knew we weren't about to make him stop. He's a great kid who usually makes good choices. Besides, I figured he'd stop when he went to college. If anything, I wonder if his dad and I should have been more stern in our condemnation. A very strong addiction gene runs through our families (multiple alcoholics on both sides); we were much harsher about his weed habit.
So what I'm going to do is this .... make a print out of the comments on this forum and sent it to him. emailing him the link is too easy to delete and forget. I'm going to ask that he talk to you for 5 minutes. IF any one person might have sway, it seems like it could be you. But I won't really know if he'll call you, I can ask but he hasn't earned my trust on this topic. I'll also ask he take the 100 day challenge. And then I'll do nothing except let him know when I see him we are there to help if he wants our help. He lives 3000 miles away so we're powerless anyway to see any changes in his usage.
Do you agree with my plan? What would you do differently?
Man, addiction is a bitch. The one thing that is hard to wrap your head around is the fact that addiction crosses every line. Every damn one of them... race, age, careers, intelligence, morality, spirituality... no one is exempt.
Your son is caught in his cycle and he may or may not realize it.
None of us envy your position but we ALL understand it. Boy, do we!
As far as your plan goes... run with it. It's worth a shot and it might damn well be the turning point. Maybe a caveat would be texting instead of a call. I know for me... there would have been no freakin' way I would have called and talked to a total internet weirdo. A text is quite a bit more in his area of control. Your call sis...
-
Good call -- I'm sure he would prefer to text, too. (Although I doubt any of you are internet weirdos!)
-
Good call -- I'm sure he would prefer to text, too. (Although I doubt any of you are internet weirdos!)
You have noooooo idea 'winker'