KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: brotherofnomosko on September 06, 2011, 04:43:00 PM
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Around October 1991, I was floating about in the Persian Gulf with the 15th MEU. We did a little landing in Saudi Arabia (?), and proceeded to have a pretty boring time in the sand. While hanging out, I asked a friend for a smoke. He laughed at me, because he knew I didn't smoke, and told me, "No...you'll never stop."
I laughed back and told him, "It's disgusting, I won't smoke more than this one, ever."
And, so it began. I bought a pack that afternoon, and nic's been with me for the last 20 (!!) f-in years. I switched to Cope because smoking was so vile to me, but that original addiction has stuck with me, too.
Eventually, I ended up at a college with an honor code that disallowed the use of tobacco, so...I went with LC Skoal because I could hide it more easily (no shit in my teeth).
I went to Russia (five years after my first nic), and the smokes came back in since apparently the Russians don't appreciate the dip. I hid my habit behind a roommate who smoked like a chimney.
Got married and used that as an excuse to quit...smoking. The dip was back in. Good old LC Skoal; nobody would know. Finished college and started teaching. No one would know. Effectively hid my use.
I had a dip in constantly, but to hide it...I became a pro at showing nothing. No spitting (ugh). Upper and lower dips pocketed away. Goatee hides unsightly bulges. I was a freakin' pro.
Kids came, and I was going to quit. Wife nailed me on it, and I was going to quit. Life insurance did a blood check and I actually quit for a year and 3 months, but back on the dip I went.
I've watched friends and friends of friends taken down by this, and I've always tried to convince myself that it was something else, but I know that it's not.
So, today's the day. I'm sick of it and embarrassed of it, and I'm pretty sure it will be the thing that kills me if I'm not done with it. I have too much to stick around for for this to be the thing that takes me out. My brother's a 200+ day vet here, and so, it's my turn, and today will be the first day of my turn. Half can, gone; cigs, gone. Here we go! Don't talk to me for a couple of days, I'm going to be a little bitchy.
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First of all, welcome brother. Learn to post roll. I'm day 7 and a week ago I was like "why is everybody trippin about postin roll?" It works. That's why. First time you see someone get their ass ripped for not posting and you'll understand. Welcome to the brotherhood. There's a LOT of strong ladies gentlemen here all willing to help. Take all you can get. We're quit with you.
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Learn to post roll. I'm day 7 and a week ago I was like "why is everybody trippin about postin roll?" It works. That's why.
I'm guessing I don't get to post roll today. Tomorrow'll be my first clean day; plus I'll get a chance to figure out how to post roll without getting hollered at by then.
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Welcome.
Quit hard.
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Around October 1991, I was floating about in the Persian Gulf with the 15th MEU. We did a little landing in Saudi Arabia (?), and proceeded to have a pretty boring time in the sand. While hanging out, I asked a friend for a smoke. He laughed at me, because he knew I didn't smoke, and told me, "No...you'll never stop."
I laughed back and told him, "It's disgusting, I won't smoke more than this one, ever."
And, so it began. I bought a pack that afternoon, and nic's been with me for the last 20 (!!) f-in years. I switched to Cope because smoking was so vile to me, but that original addiction has stuck with me, too.
Eventually, I ended up at a college with an honor code that disallowed the use of tobacco, so...I went with LC Skoal because I could hide it more easily (no shit in my teeth).
I went to Russia (five years after my first nic), and the smokes came back in since apparently the Russians don't appreciate the dip. I hid my habit behind a roommate who smoked like a chimney.
Got married and used that as an excuse to quit...smoking. The dip was back in. Good old LC Skoal; nobody would know. Finished college and started teaching. No one would know. Effectively hid my use.
I had a dip in constantly, but to hide it...I became a pro at showing nothing. No spitting (ugh). Upper and lower dips pocketed away. Goatee hides unsightly bulges. I was a freakin' pro.
Kids came, and I was going to quit. Wife nailed me on it, and I was going to quit. Life insurance did a blood check and I actually quit for a year and 3 months, but back on the dip I went.
I've watched friends and friends of friends taken down by this, and I've always tried to convince myself that it was something else, but I know that it's not.
So, today's the day. I'm sick of it and embarrassed of it, and I'm pretty sure it will be the thing that kills me if I'm not done with it. I have too much to stick around for for this to be the thing that takes me out. My brother's a 200+ day vet here, and so, it's my turn, and today will be the first day of my turn. Half can, gone; cigs, gone. Here we go! Don't talk to me for a couple of days, I'm going to be a little bitchy.
Welcome.
If you've made the decision to quit and have thrown all of your shit out (no more nicotine today), then go ahead and post your Day 1 today.
But if you'd rather post your day 1 tomorrow (first full day clean), then feel free to do that. The nice thing about posting your day 1 now (other than being able to claim an extra day!) is that you have effectively taken the choice to dip off of the table. Once you type those words, you have promised not to use, and around here, we keep our promises.
For instructions on posting roll, go to the Welcome Center (salmon colored link in the upper left hand corner of your screen). You will post with the December group. Holler if you have any questions.
Proud to be quit with you.
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Welcome Bro!!
Today is day 7 for me. You and I share pretty darn near the same start date too. I had a dip here and there, maybe once a month while playing golf, then in the fall of 1991 I joined a fraternity and that's when the nic bitch took control. Post roll daily with me in the December HOF's. I'll send you a PM with my contact info if you need to reach out.
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Post roll daily with me in the December HOF's.
I'll post tomorrow...first thing in the morning. It'll be my first clean day in a long, long time.
(Well, I'll be 24 hours clean at about 10:00 am my time.)
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Post roll daily with me in the December HOF's.
I'll post tomorrow...first thing in the morning. It'll be my first clean day in a long, long time.
(Well, I'll be 24 hours clean at about 10:00 am my time.)
Welcome to December Brother...glad to have a fellow quitter.
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Welcome brother of my May brother. Glad you came on board. holler if you need anything.
30
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Welcome aboard Brother! I see you posted roll, congrats on your start to a new and rewarding future! Proud to be quit with you today! greg
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Welcome aboard Brother! I see you posted roll, congrats on your start to a new and rewarding future! Proud to be quit with you today! greg
Can't even explain how happy I am that you are joining me on this journey. Thanks to you joining the site the door has closed for me. I am quit, quit, quit. This site is full of people like us that are hopelessly addicted to nicotine. Draw strength from those in your group going through the same shit you are. If they are strong enough to stay quit so are you. Draw strength from the vets they have stayed quit for a long time. It can be done. All you have to worry about is being quit for the day. You posted your promise not to use the option isn't there. You have always been a man of your word. Don't let the nic bitch take that from you. Celebrate every day you stay quit. You never have to go through it again. Also come post with us in May 2011, there are some bad ass quitters there that will welcome you aboard.
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Can't even explain how happy I am that you are joining me on this journey. Thanks to you joining the site the door has closed for me. I am quit, quit, quit. This site is full of people like us that are hopelessly addicted to nicotine. Draw strength from those in your group going through the same shit you are. If they are strong enough to stay quit so are you. Draw strength from the vets they have stayed quit for a long time. It can be done. All you have to worry about is being quit for the day. You posted your promise not to use the option isn't there. You have always been a man of your word. Don't let the nic bitch take that from you. Celebrate every day you stay quit. You never have to go through it again. Also come post with us in May 2011, there are some bad ass quitters there that will welcome you aboard.
I'll post with you over in May tomorrow. I think that I'll be the "youngest" over there, but I've already been hit by at least three from your quit group. It's great, they're looking out for you, for me, and for themselves...all at the same time.
It feels good to say that I'm quit, and that's what I was today, and it's about what I'm going to be tomorrow starting in about 1:06. I'm an early poster, so I'll see you soon.
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10 days in, and just some thoughts of the journey so far:
:) Being quit is good. I know that I'm short in this, but all that's gone down as I'm working this shit out of my system feels cleansing in a masochistic kind of way.
:angry: I was pissed that I was having withdrawals; there was a voice in my head saying something along the lines of "wow, you never experienced this before for all your other quits." Seriously, I didn't understand why I was facing the withdrawals harder than ever before. Well, with one exception, I've never been off nic for more than @ 48 hours at a time over the last 20 years. That f-in addiction was messing with me, and I didn't even know it. The reality is that these withdrawals were 20 years in the making.
So, what have I faced so far? Typical stuff, but I'll share:
1. The fog. I think that it hit me heaviest on day 5. My boss kept asking if I was OK. My wife asked if I had a migraine coming on. What a fun ride that's been. Time got distorted, and seriously, could not put together cogent arguments or thoughts.
2. Sleep. I feel like I've been in a Slaughter video (up all night; sleep all day). When I should be sleeping, I'm awake; should be awake, sleepy. WTF's up with that? I'm getting some decent COD time in, though.
3. Backyard shenanigans. Never thought that nic was keeping me regular. Looks like I need to eat more apples or something. That's enough said about that.
4. Acid stomach. This makes no sense to me since I was a ninja non-spitter. I figured that my stomach would be celebrating the fact that I wasn't sending it on the cancer train...no dice, it's like an inferno down there.
5. Craves. Funny cycle for me (I'm sure I'm not alone). There would be a moment during the day where I would say something along the lines of "this is easy, I'm never hitting the can again." That would be followed with the heaviest f-in crave ever. Someone on here (sorry for not giving solid credit on this) has something like "crave is only one letter from cave," I reminded myself of that when I was jones-ing hard.
6. Mouth sores. That's bullshit, but I'll live.
7. There's other shit, but you get it.
Here's how I dealt with this shit:
1. Posting roll. It's easy (well, for most of us it is); and god damn it...it makes me honest. The first couple days there was a piece of me that wished I hadn't...I'm glad I did.
2. Riding on others' coattails. I know that the difference between someone who is quit 400 days and someone who is quit 1 day is really just 1 day. That's all it takes to make whatever the number is pointless. Looking at those who are in the hundreds, though (and the teens and tens for that matter), let's me know that it can be done.
3. Live chat. For me, it's a quick jump in; bitch about the crave; jump out. I need it.
4. Using my brother. I'm accountable to everyone here and myself and quite honestly, I might be able to pull off going ninja again and hate myself for it. But what the hell have I done. I told him I'm doing this, and I can't get away with being a non-integrity, shit. He was a ninja, too, and he knows all the f-in tricks, so damn.
Awesome ten days.
Thanks for all the support, and I am mother f-in quit.
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Outfuckingstanding.
Congratulations BroONomo. You can do this. I'll let you in on a tiny little secret...you have already done it. You have quit friend. There is no turning back. There is no being a douche bag ninja cancer candy loving turd because cave doesn't exist. There is no cave. You don't do that shit anymore. You will fight daily. You will post roll. You will lean on your brothers and sisters on the site and your brother nomo when things get tough. You will have a plan of defense. You will stick to your word. There is no turning back.
There is absolutely no reason to ever ingest nicotine again.
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Yeah, what Soul said. I love that you really get the accountability piece...that's something that EVERYONE needs to fully understand. Keep up the good work and holler if you need anything. Glad to be quit with you today! 'archer'
Oh yeah, the quote you were looking at was mine. Glad you got something out of it. That was my one moment of being inspirational for the year. :rolleyes:
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The hardest part for me is remembering those first few days. As the days go by they get further and further away. Like Loot said, don't forget day 1...ever. I'm glad to be quit with you today, brother!
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So...day 25.
Funny things are out there to remind me that I'm an addict. My quit is strong, and it seems that I've emerged from having nic pumping through my veins and from the anger and from the fog fairly successfully. I feel good, but there are strange moments.
Costco has always been an interesting trip for me. For the longest time I thought that I'd be way better off getting my cans from there because it would be so much cheaper, but I also knew that the price would stand out on the bank report, and it would be tough to cover. Regardless, there would almost always be a moment where I considered walking into the cage.
Recently, before my quit, I'd been spending time looking at the NRT items. I'd stand and read the information and try to convince myself that this would be the way to go. "At least it's not tobacco" is what I was saying in my mind. I can still get the nic and still be around the kids and wife without constantly being undercover. The price, though, would be too hard to cover. I actually went through this process three days before my quit.
Anyway, this afternoon after work, I made for the monthly Costco trip, and at the end I stood looking at the NRT gums. It was different, today, though. Today was a reflection of what has happened these last 25 days, and I realized that I didn't care how nasty (dipping or smoking) or how clean (chewing gum) the transmission of the nic would be...that it would be the end of the quit and that the addiction would be back in charge. I didn't want that, and I don't want that, and I walked to the huge f-in check out line that Costco always has and got out leaving that shit behind.
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Yup, that's progress my friend. When you can stare that shit in the face and say "screw you Nic", that's good shit. When I get back to the states, first thing I need to do is get some closure at Sams Club. Just to know I can walk in and out of there without a bunch of rolls or lozenges will be my door closer.
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Thought I'd jump back into the intro to throw some of my rants that were in December here (someone said it's a good idea, and now that I'm looking for some of my shit....guess what....it's a good idea, cause I can't find shit):
So, from a bit ago.
Just my personal shot on this Toe Tag thing:
1. Has he caved or not...well, Toe, when you come back, let us know. Either post with us or get cracking with January or whatever future group. Regardless, step in and let us know because you know that being quit is what's best for you.
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2. I know I'm stealing from December 2010, but fellas and fellates, GUARD your quit. It's f-in hard. I mean seriously, the one consistent thing I've had for the last 20 years is nicotine. It outlasted the Marines for me, it outlasted college, outlasted quite a few jobs, it was in competition with my family for f-s sake. I've taken that consistency and turned it on its f-in head and am making my quit be the consistent thing. My brain is pissed at me for this, so I have to seriously GUARD my quit like it's a g-damned baby bird. It's fragile and can be crushed. I GUARD my quit here and with my brother.
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3. I fear being "that" person. We see it everyday when a person comes back and posts Day 1...man...a cave is really just one mental moment away. There's a million excuses to break your promise, and chances are each and every one of us has entertained an excuse as you pump gas outside the c-store that you've vowed not to go in (or whatever situation). Be stronger than the excuse. It's likely that I'm not stronger than the nic, but I'm stronger than the excuse, and that's because I quit today here and with my brother.
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4. Finally, I have to remember that my quit is mine. I realize that there will be others in December who will cave (OK, you f-ers better not). That will not weaken my quit. I realize that I'm going to be dealing with some f-in funks that piss me off. That will not weaken my quit. I know that I'm going to be sitting on my ass watching softball this weekend. That will not weaken my quit. This is my quit, and as long as I promise to you all here and to my brother (and to me); I will be quit.
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5. Also, I recognize my bravado. If you didn't pick up on it; I'm no fool. I know the tightrope we addicts walk and how close we are to falling if we are not careful.
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heh...apparently I didn't have much to say.
Well...searching through the thread is going to take more than lunch.
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Bro of Nomo.....
I feel responsible for putting you on the spot.... Know this: we all support you 100% in your quit...I hope that you do not get discouraged by any of this. We believe that you will make the HOF. If you continue to do what you have been doing, there is no question that you will. We are glad you are posting with us and we thank you for your service to our country.
I have been watching what you have been doing over in December, being your brothers keeper. That's great stuff! You are making a difference in other people's quit!
Just a note from 30...it made me feel good, and I don't know that I'd find it again...so I put it here.
It's my post bank...in the Introduction. Don't judge me :)
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Approaching the HOF is turning odd (day 91).
Never have I felt more quit; never have I had as many craves.
Never have I felt more quit; never have I felt the funk/depression as hard as this.
In the meantime, I'm watching what seems to be a cave-o-rama that started with February and has now pushed its way into March. I've done the research....that shit didn't happen in December and January in quite the same way. Sure, one or two, but not like, well, today. March had 3 external cavers come in and one intra-month caver...wow.
The train's hanging out in our group, but we're a pretty light group which means seven days in and we only have one active poster riding the train. It feels anticlimactic.
So, there's the simpering. Now for the other.
This is f-in great. I'm plugging away one day at a time (there's no pun intended in that), and I feel good.
I feel good.
I couldn't say that honestly for all the years I was on nic. Mentally, I was lying to myself; physically I was killing myself. How could I feel good? Well, I couldn't and didn't, and I propped myself up with nic for so long...it's embarassing, so...
I feel good. I wish everyone could feel it. I wish the cavers didn't forget it. I wish those who never have "tried," would sack up and hit a quit, because god damn...it feels good where I'm at. Funkified, yes; craves, yes; but I feel good, and I am quit.
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In twelve hours...it's been a calendar year since that shit's been in my system.
It's a good time for me to remember.
Things like:c-stores are still dangerousthat voice is still thereone slip will be all it takeswhen a person disappears...when they come back they're likely sporting a day 1I'm an addict[/li]
but also it's good to remember things like:I am quitI have supportersI am better because of my quit and my supportersI am doing something most people cannotI am successful because I am quit and the process of being quit has saved meI have burnt my bridges and shut the doors[/li]
It's worth saying that KTC has guided me into being quit, my December quitters are strong with me, the 3-ballers have brought me in, and my brother has saved me.
Thanks...my first post on this thread has my first words here...it's good to remind myself and not forget any day that has brought me here.
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In twelve hours...it's been a calendar year since that shit's been in my system.
It's a good time for me to remember.
Things like:c-stores are still dangerousthat voice is still thereone slip will be all it takeswhen a person disappears...when they come back they're likely sporting a day 1I'm an addict[/li]
but also it's good to remember things like:I am quitI have supportersI am better because of my quit and my supportersI am doing something most people cannotI am successful because I am quit and the process of being quit has saved meI have burnt my bridges and shut the doors[/li]
It's worth saying that KTC has guided me into being quit, my December quitters are strong with me, the 3-ballers have brought me in, and my brother has saved me.
Thanks...my first post on this thread has my first words here...it's good to remind myself and not forget any day that has brought me here. [/quote]
'worship'
well said Brother
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In twelve hours...it's been a calendar year since that shit's been in my system.
It's a good time for me to remember.
Things like:c-stores are still dangerousthat voice is still thereone slip will be all it takeswhen a person disappears...when they come back they're likely sporting a day 1I'm an addict[/li]
but also it's good to remember things like:I am quitI have supportersI am better because of my quit and my supportersI am doing something most people cannotI am successful because I am quit and the process of being quit has saved meI have burnt my bridges and shut the doors[/li]
It's worth saying that KTC has guided me into being quit, my December quitters are strong with me, the 3-ballers have brought me in, and my brother has saved me.
Thanks...my first post on this thread has my first words here...it's good to remind myself and not forget any day that has brought me here. [/quote]
'worship'
well said Brother [/quote]
*2, keep up the hard work
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God I love YOUR humility!!!
I agree with YOU 100% Brotherofnomosko. 'bang head'
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900 day bumpage!
Proud to be quit with you, good to see you in chat!
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Congrats on your 5 years quit!
Impressive quit staying power.
One day at a time badassery!