KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: teamgreen on March 17, 2010, 03:48:00 PM
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20+ years later, 1 can/day+ for years, grizzly most recently and I'm about 15 hours in. Fogs definitely rolling in, but want/need to do this. Not cavin'.
Why are normally nice people at work such a-holes today? kiddin, I know why. Honestly, can't wait till I'm done with work so I can quit trying to be civil.
I just don't need to be around anyone right now, for their sake.
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20+ years later, 1 can/day+ for years, grizzly most recently and I'm about 15 hours in. Fogs definitely rolling in, but want/need to do this. Not cavin'.
Why are normally nice people at work such a-holes today? kiddin, I know why. Honestly, can't wait till I'm done with work so I can quit trying to be civil.
I just don't need to be around anyone right now, for their sake.
you don't have to be civil here, let us have it.
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Well, thanks for the go ahead. I actually don't feel the need to rant just yet, but it's kind of tough dealing with clients and co-workers right now. I know it's withdrawals, not them. They're doing nothing out of the ordinary.
I may not have to be civil here, but I do have to be at work. I'll make it, but I feel like like it'll be (marginally) easier if I can just be fucking irritated and not have to pretend otherwise. That will be the case in about 4 hours.
P.S. I followed your advice and pm'd numbers to the couple guys within last couple days. A little wierd over the internet w/ people I don't know, but what the hell.
I get it (probably will even more later). I can't do this by myself, or I would have over the last twenty years of jackassery. The more accountable I make myself the better. I'm on it.
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I know how you feel but just get by, take each day at a time
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welcome gangegreen.
nice to have you.
watch out for MikeA...he's "different"
just think...by Monday the physical withdrawals will be over. The the mindfuck starts (don't get no ideas MikeA).
You are in for a rollercoaster ride of heaven and hell. The suckyness of the jackassery recovery will keep you clean at some point. Remember how bad it sucks.
Don't feel weird getting to know these fuckheads. Most are harmless (FUMikeA)....and they will actually save your life if you let them.
Again....welcome.
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P.S. I followed your advice and pm'd numbers to the couple guys within last couple days. A little wierd over the internet w/ people I don't know, but what the hell.
Great thing is, when you do call one of these guys you can talk forever because you have so much in common.
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If bumpin this thread to post to myself is forkin stupid and wrong let me know. I just noticed that a few people have been interested in their own intro thread later down the line, so I thought I'd journalize (whatever) mine for posterity.
Note to self, on 2nd nic free night, I apparently can't sleiep more than an hour at a time. I keep waking up expecting it to be morning and 30 minutes have passed. Then 15 minutes to ponder it, then another 43 minutes of fitful sleep. Man, I'm gonna be pissed off AND exhausted tomorrow. And I thought I was a giant raging richard today...bring the pain (and try to spare as much collateral damage as possible)
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I think it is a good idea teamgreen. This place is a place to do almost anything you need to do to make sure you don't put that shit back in your mouth.
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If bumpin this thread to post to myself is forkin stupid and wrong let me know. I just noticed that a few people have been interested in their own intro thread later down the line, so I thought I'd journalize (whatever) mine for posterity.
Note to self, on 2nd nic free night, I apparently can't sleiep more than an hour at a time. I keep waking up expecting it to be morning and 30 minutes have passed. Then 15 minutes to ponder it, then another 43 minutes of fitful sleep. Man, I'm gonna be pissed off AND exhausted tomorrow. And I thought I was a giant raging richard today...bring the pain (and try to spare as much collateral damage as possible)
That part goes away quickly, and then it gets pretty cool:
When the weekend comes, you can actually SLEEP IN if you want to. For the entire time I was dipping, I couldn't sleep more than about six hours because the nic withdrawals would kick my ass out of bed bright and early to send me scrambling to find my can and stuff my lip. That was a shitty existence; after you get through the withdrawal/insomnia/craving stuff you're going through now, you'll find that the nic-free life is MUCH better than you're used to.
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Cool. I will look forward to it.
Yeah, on the sleep thing, I'm notoriously a pretty deep sleeper. I've known a couple friends that have admitted to waking up to take a dip in the middle of the night. I really never had much problem with that until the last few months. My sleep habits have been all over the map and I'm sure some has to do with chew. Either I can't get to sleep at night, or I'll be exhausted really early and then wake up at 3am (at which point I take a big dip and just start my day a few hours early).
There is not way in hell that I can imagine NOT sleeping better once I get a ways into this. I'm sure I'll have some insomnia issues, but it can't be that bad, once the situation stabilizes a bit.
Also, any veterans here teeth grinders in their sleep? That ever go away?
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Cool. I will look forward to it.
Yeah, on the sleep thing, I'm notoriously a pretty deep sleeper. I've known a couple friends that have admitted to waking up to take a dip in the middle of the night. I really never had much problem with that until the last few months. My sleep habits have been all over the map and I'm sure some has to do with chew. Either I can't get to sleep at night, or I'll be exhausted really early and then wake up at 3am (at which point I take a big dip and just start my day a few hours early).
There is not way in hell that I can imagine NOT sleeping better once I get a ways into this. I'm sure I'll have some insomnia issues, but it can't be that bad, once the situation stabilizes a bit.
Also, any veterans here teeth grinders in their sleep? That ever go away?
Melatonin is what I have used for sleep.
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Note to self, on 2nd nic free night, I apparently can't sleiep more than an hour at a time. I keep waking up expecting it to be morning and 30 minutes have passed. Then 15 minutes to ponder it, then another 43 minutes of fitful sleep. Man, I'm gonna be pissed off AND exhausted tomorrow. And I thought I was a giant raging richard today...bring the pain (and try to spare as much collateral damage as possible)
Cut back on the coffe and soda, nic helps your body proccess caffiene a lot faster so you drank more because you could get away with it. Now that you don't have the nic helping you caffiene is kicking your ass and helping to keep you up :) Drink lots o water and hang tough. If you need a number PM Me and it's yours.
divarty
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Thanks, NKT, Mike and Divarty. All good info/advice.
One other note to self. I was looking through some drawers this morning (looking for some tooth whitening strips I bought about two years ago when I thought about quitting and didn't...). I found them, but I also found old nicotine gum from the same "thinking about quitting episode," and the piece du resistance (don't know how to spell that in frenchy, but oh well), a can of Grizz with one big ol' fatty left in it.
The cool thing, not that it didn't look REALLY good, was that I didn't even consider the griz or the gum. I went straight to the sink with the griz and then straight to the garbage with the gum. Got the right mindset now for sure...just got keep reminding myself to keep reminding myself to keep it...
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Also, any veterans here teeth grinders in their sleep? That ever go away?
I used to grind my teeth in my sleep and it drove my wife nuts.
Now that you mention it, I don't think I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep at all since I quit. I think it may have gone away right around when I quit, but I just didn't notice that it had stopped.
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Also, any veterans here teeth grinders in their sleep? That ever go away?
I used to grind my teeth in my sleep and it drove my wife nuts.
Now that you mention it, I don't think I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep at all since I quit. I think it may have gone away right around when I quit, but I just didn't notice that it had stopped.
Bout outta teeth, dentist keeps trying to get me to wear a mouth guard.
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Also, any veterans here teeth grinders in their sleep? That ever go away?
I used to grind my teeth in my sleep and it drove my wife nuts.
Now that you mention it, I don't think I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep at all since I quit. I think it may have gone away right around when I quit, but I just didn't notice that it had stopped.
Bout outta teeth, dentist keeps trying to get me to wear a mouth guard.
I coulda bit thru rebar in my sleep. since I've quit I stopped grinding my teeth totally. I wore a mouth guard for years too and always blamed stress. Typical, couldn't have been the two cans of skoal every day, nooooooooo. 'bang head' 'bang head'
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Can't sleep anyway and I had this thought to add to my early days log. I was reading a vet's comments on "closing the door." I can't recall who or the exact context (I've read so much, and my attention span is so hammered right now...sorry to the quiter I'm failing to properly acknowledge. I'll try to figure it out later).
At any rate, the discussion revolved around arriving at some point when you really feel that you've closed the door on the nicotine chapter of your life, like it's really something that is (more or less) behind you. It'll always be there since we're all addicts here, but I get the sentiment, a warmish feeling that nicotine is something from the past, so long as you maintain a certain level of vigilance learned through the journey.
I'm just battling away right now and clearly feel nowhere near that point. I did have a thought, though, that may or may not be worth thinking about later.
I am really committed to this thing. I am quit, not trying. In that sense, I have already closed the door. The problem is that the grizzly (literally and figuratively) is still right outside like Jack Nicholson with an ax and a smile, and he's swingin' away. What's more, my door is flimsy as hell, and I can't leave it for a second. There's no latch, no lock. I have to stand here and lean into with everything I've got, because if I relax even one of my muscles for a second, the doors gonna crumble and the grizzly is gonna run right over me. I kind of want to devote a little of my energy to something else right now, be it work or play, but I know I can't. This weak ass door just won't hold if I'm not leaning into with ALL my energy.
But that's why I'm here. No one can hold the door closed for me, but everybody is reminding me that I CAN hold it if I don't give up. I'm being reminded why I closed the door in the first place and why I'm not just letting the grizzly back in. I've got people who know a little something about this situation. They're telling me how to adjust my stance so my strength will hold on a little better, a little longer. They keep asking me to promise I'll keep all my weight into the door, and they keep promising me they'll do the same with their own.
So that's where I'm at. Yeah, my door's closed, but it's a stupid ass corregated cardboard flap. What I'm hoping is that down the line, through this process, I'll learn how to reinforce my door a little bit, maybe build some kind of latch or something. Maybe someday it'll be strong enough I won't have to lean on it all day. Maybe I'll be able to take a couple steps back. Maybe take a load off with a glass of iced tea and shotgun across my lap just in case. Maybe that's what having the door closed means. For now, I guess I'll just lower my shoulder check my footing and grit my teeth.
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Can't sleep anyway and I had this thought to add to my early days log. I was reading a vet's comments on "closing the door." I can't recall who or the exact context (I've read so much, and my attention span is so hammered right now...sorry to the quiter I'm failing to properly acknowledge. I'll try to figure it out later).
At any rate, the discussion revolved around arriving at some point when you really feel that you've closed the door on the nicotine chapter of your life, like it's really something that is (more or less) behind you. It'll always be there since we're all addicts here, but I get the sentiment, a warmish feeling that nicotine is something from the past, so long as you maintain a certain level of vigilance learned through the journey.
I'm just battling away right now and clearly feel nowhere near that point. I did have a thought, though, that may or may not be worth thinking about later.
I am really committed to this thing. I am quit, not trying. In that sense, I have already closed the door. The problem is that the grizzly (literally and figuratively) is still right outside like Jack Nicholson with an ax and a smile, and he's swingin' away. What's more, my door is flimsy as hell, and I can't leave it for a second. There's no latch, no lock. I have to stand here and lean into with everything I've got, because if I relax even one of my muscles for a second, the doors gonna crumble and the grizzly is gonna run right over me. I kind of want to devote a little of my energy to something else right now, be it work or play, but I know I can't. This weak ass door just won't hold if I'm not leaning into with ALL my energy.
But that's why I'm here. No one can hold the door closed for me, but everybody is reminding me that I CAN hold it if I don't give up. I'm being reminded why I closed the door in the first place and why I'm not just letting the grizzly back in. I've got people who know a little something about this situation. They're telling me how to adjust my stance so my strength will hold on a little better, a little longer. They keep asking me to promise I'll keep all my weight into the door, and they keep promising me they'll do the same with their own.
So that's where I'm at. Yeah, my door's closed, but it's a stupid ass corregated cardboard flap. What I'm hoping is that down the line, through this process, I'll learn how to reinforce my door a little bit, maybe build some kind of latch or something. Maybe someday it'll be strong enough I won't have to lean on it all day. Maybe I'll be able to take a couple steps back. Maybe take a load off with a glass of iced tea and shotgun across my lap just in case. Maybe that's what having the door closed means. For now, I guess I'll just lower my shoulder check my footing and grit my teeth.
You get it.
It will get better. The door will become stronger. It will be worth the sacrifice.
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Can't sleep anyway and I had this thought to add to my early days log. I was reading a vet's comments on "closing the door." I can't recall who or the exact context (I've read so much, and my attention span is so hammered right now...sorry to the quiter I'm failing to properly acknowledge. I'll try to figure it out later).
At any rate, the discussion revolved around arriving at some point when you really feel that you've closed the door on the nicotine chapter of your life, like it's really something that is (more or less) behind you. It'll always be there since we're all addicts here, but I get the sentiment, a warmish feeling that nicotine is something from the past, so long as you maintain a certain level of vigilance learned through the journey.
I'm just battling away right now and clearly feel nowhere near that point. I did have a thought, though, that may or may not be worth thinking about later.
I am really committed to this thing. I am quit, not trying. In that sense, I have already closed the door. The problem is that the grizzly (literally and figuratively) is still right outside like Jack Nicholson with an ax and a smile, and he's swingin' away. What's more, my door is flimsy as hell, and I can't leave it for a second. There's no latch, no lock. I have to stand here and lean into with everything I've got, because if I relax even one of my muscles for a second, the doors gonna crumble and the grizzly is gonna run right over me. I kind of want to devote a little of my energy to something else right now, be it work or play, but I know I can't. This weak ass door just won't hold if I'm not leaning into with ALL my energy.
But that's why I'm here. No one can hold the door closed for me, but everybody is reminding me that I CAN hold it if I don't give up. I'm being reminded why I closed the door in the first place and why I'm not just letting the grizzly back in. I've got people who know a little something about this situation. They're telling me how to adjust my stance so my strength will hold on a little better, a little longer. They keep asking me to promise I'll keep all my weight into the door, and they keep promising me they'll do the same with their own.
So that's where I'm at. Yeah, my door's closed, but it's a stupid ass corregated cardboard flap. What I'm hoping is that down the line, through this process, I'll learn how to reinforce my door a little bit, maybe build some kind of latch or something. Maybe someday it'll be strong enough I won't have to lean on it all day. Maybe I'll be able to take a couple steps back. Maybe take a load off with a glass of iced tea and shotgun across my lap just in case. Maybe that's what having the door closed means. For now, I guess I'll just lower my shoulder check my footing and grit my teeth.
You get it.
It will get better. The door will become stronger. It will be worth the sacrifice.
Agreed, good post though. The door will eventually become steel but it does have a lock and only you hold the key.
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Also, any veterans here teeth grinders in their sleep? That ever go away?
I used to grind my teeth in my sleep and it drove my wife nuts.
Now that you mention it, I don't think I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep at all since I quit. I think it may have gone away right around when I quit, but I just didn't notice that it had stopped.
Bout outta teeth, dentist keeps trying to get me to wear a mouth guard.
I coulda bit thru rebar in my sleep. since I've quit I stopped grinding my teeth totally. I wore a mouth guard for years too and always blamed stress. Typical, couldn't have been the two cans of skoal every day, nooooooooo. 'bang head' 'bang head'
Funny, I grind my teeth as well and wear a mouth guard. (Wife works for a dentist) I have not noticed that anymore. Maybe I ditch the guard next week on the cruise. I hate the thing anyway.
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Spot on about the door tg. You're job is to hold it shut one moment at a time, thats all any of us do. I have to agree with Ready every second of pain or fog or bullshit involved in your quit will be worth it, you'll be able to see it soon enough, just keep holding for now.
divarty
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This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.
I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.
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This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.
I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.
Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.
Hang tough
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This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.
I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.
Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.
Hang tough
Thanks, man. I know, this too shall pass. Just stamping a description of how much this sucks to myself. I don't want to do this shit again.
Caving is not an option.
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This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.
I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.
Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.
Hang tough
Thanks, man. I know, this too shall pass. Just stamping a description of how much this sucks to myself. I don't want to do this shit again.
Caving is not an option.
You are learning. You have learned you never want to go through this again and that will make your quit stronger!!!Hang tough and have agreat weekend.
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This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.
I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.
Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.
Hang tough
Thanks, man. I know, this too shall pass. Just stamping a description of how much this sucks to myself. I don't want to do this shit again.
Caving is not an option.
You are learning. You have learned you never want to go through this again and that will make your quit stronger!!!Hang tough and have agreat weekend.
I had this problem too. Finally I decided to just go to sleep as soon as I felt tired in the evening - even if it was 7:30. The longer I stayed up the more I missed that Nic Bitch and the worse my sleep became. I'm not sure if it's like this for you but that's the only advice I can offer on the subject of sleep.
What I will offer is my unconditional support to your QUIT. PM me is you need anything.
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This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.
I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.
Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.
Hang tough
Thanks, man. I know, this too shall pass. Just stamping a description of how much this sucks to myself. I don't want to do this shit again.
Caving is not an option.
You are learning. You have learned you never want to go through this again and that will make your quit stronger!!!Hang tough and have agreat weekend.
I had this problem too. Finally I decided to just go to sleep as soon as I felt tired in the evening - even if it was 7:30. The longer I stayed up the more I missed that Nic Bitch and the worse my sleep became. I'm not sure if it's like this for you but that's the only advice I can offer on the subject of sleep.
What I will offer is my unconditional support to your QUIT. PM me is you need anything.
Once you get through the intial buzz of quitting and get to the day to day grind of it all, you'll be sleeping more than you ever have before. Quitting really does get exhausting at times. I remember when I was 30 - 40 days or so, I'd sleep 10-12 hours, no problem. Do what Lochi says, sleep as soon as you feel tired. Also try some melationin or tylenol-pm as a sleep aid for a while.
Congrats on day 4!
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This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.
I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.
Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.
Hang tough
Thanks, man. I know, this too shall pass. Just stamping a description of how much this sucks to myself. I don't want to do this shit again.
Caving is not an option.
You are learning. You have learned you never want to go through this again and that will make your quit stronger!!!Hang tough and have agreat weekend.
I had this problem too. Finally I decided to just go to sleep as soon as I felt tired in the evening - even if it was 7:30. The longer I stayed up the more I missed that Nic Bitch and the worse my sleep became. I'm not sure if it's like this for you but that's the only advice I can offer on the subject of sleep.
What I will offer is my unconditional support to your QUIT. PM me is you need anything.
Once you get through the intial buzz of quitting and get to the day to day grind of it all, you'll be sleeping more than you ever have before. Quitting really does get exhausting at times. I remember when I was 30 - 40 days or so, I'd sleep 10-12 hours, no problem. Do what Lochi says, sleep as soon as you feel tired. Also try some melationin or tylenol-pm as a sleep aid for a while.
Congrats on day 4!
I used Tylenol PM and Nyquil early on to help me sleep. After day 30 or so I started exercising in the evening plus sometimes quitting can wear you out, I stopped using the sleep aids and was sleeping like a baby. 10 hours or so a night. I have cut that back to 7 or so but it does improve.
Keep fighting and remember how bad this shit sucks !!
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This is the stupidest shit in the history of stupid shit. 4th night in a row I literally can not sleep more than an hour and 15 minutes in row for a total of 3 or 4 hours a night. Why in the fuck did I voluntarily do shit to myself for 20+ fucking years that do this to me when I try to undo it?! Fucking moronic. Sleep deprived. Not happy about it.
I am NOT going through this shit again! Commencing stupid ass day 4.0.
Hang in there Teamgreen It will get better. My first week I was so sick on top of no sleep. You can do this!!! Don't let the Nic Bitch win!! I ended up sleeping in my chair while watching TV any sleep will work. At day 4 the nicotine is almost out of your system so things will be real intense right now.
Hang tough
Thanks, man. I know, this too shall pass. Just stamping a description of how much this sucks to myself. I don't want to do this shit again.
Caving is not an option.
You are learning. You have learned you never want to go through this again and that will make your quit stronger!!!Hang tough and have agreat weekend.
I had this problem too. Finally I decided to just go to sleep as soon as I felt tired in the evening - even if it was 7:30. The longer I stayed up the more I missed that Nic Bitch and the worse my sleep became. I'm not sure if it's like this for you but that's the only advice I can offer on the subject of sleep.
What I will offer is my unconditional support to your QUIT. PM me is you need anything.
Once you get through the intial buzz of quitting and get to the day to day grind of it all, you'll be sleeping more than you ever have before. Quitting really does get exhausting at times. I remember when I was 30 - 40 days or so, I'd sleep 10-12 hours, no problem. Do what Lochi says, sleep as soon as you feel tired. Also try some melationin or tylenol-pm as a sleep aid for a while.
Congrats on day 4!
I used Tylenol PM and Nyquil early on to help me sleep. After day 30 or so I started exercising in the evening plus sometimes quitting can wear you out, I stopped using the sleep aids and was sleeping like a baby. 10 hours or so a night. I have cut that back to 7 or so but it does improve.
Keep fighting and remember how bad this shit sucks !!
Thanks for the advice all. I have been going to sleep as soon as I'm tired, but it doesn't seem to matter much. Last night I was exhausted at about 10:30, went bed, wide awake at midnight, back asleep around 2:30, wide awake at 4:00, etc. Good for three shifts a night of that. Fuck it. I'm not dying or anything, just tired, anxious and restless.
I'm going for a 12 mile hike today, so maybe that will wear my ass out enough to sleep for a few hours straight tonight. If I'm not seeing improvement by tonight, I'll take y'all up on your advice re: melatonin or tylonol PM, or something since it's back to work on Monday. It's kind of funny (read: crazy, stupid), but I've always been resistent to taking over the counter meds like sleeping pills for fear of getting dependent on them. Apparently, jamming fistfuls of an "over-the-counter" drug as addictive as heroin or crystal meth into my face all day didn't occur to me as so big a deal.
'Crazy' 'bang head'
Anyway, it's not like I haven't had on and off insomnia issues BECAUSE of my nicotine habit for years (tooth grinding, difficulty getting to sleep, waking up way to early because my body wants nic, etc.). I know my sleep is going to be WAY better once I get through the crunch and into the grind. I've got my eye on the prize.
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It's kind of funny (read: crazy, stupid), but I've always been resistent to taking over the counter meds like sleeping pills for fear of getting dependent on them. Apparently, jamming fistfuls of an "over-the-counter" drug as addictive as heroin or crystal meth into my face all day didn't occur to me as so big a deal.
'Crazy' 'bang head'
That is the way I was. Always preaching to people about how bad it was to stick medication in your body... all the while cramming poison into my face for 15+ hours a day.
It is amazing how you will look at the shit you did. Fucking stupid....
Great work... Keep it going !!
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Apparently, jamming fistfuls of an "over-the-counter" drug as addictive as heroin or crystal meth into my face all day didn't occur to me as so big a deal.
I never took tylenol or any other drug for fear of making it a habbit. I would tell everyone within the sound of my voice that that shit is bad for you. Now I can finally understand why they always told me to pound sand.
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Hang in there bro, you're doing great!
A 12 mile hike should help to get the blood flowing and get a lot of the toxins out of your body.
Stay strong. This is a war and we will be victorious!
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Thanks, Trig. My buddy and I got a little crazy and turned it into an 18 mile hike. I am friggin toast, and that is a good thing. Early on the hike (and the fact that I'm on day four?) featured some intermittent fog clearing. It was on and off, but definitely an improvement over the first three days.
It marked the first thing I can remember enjoying since I quit. Exciting. I know I got a lot of battles coming, but it was a momentary sigh of relief.
The last 5 miles or so just destroyed my feet and whatnot. Now I'm just in enough pain I don't give a damn about chew, which is fine also. Just trying to muster up the energy to go get food.
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Haven't posted in this since day 4 which I kind of regret, since there were definitely some memorable issues (progression of sleep issues from severely shitty to getting a full nights uninterrupted last night day 11-12, craves getting lighter, but still getting a couple strong ones per day, overall mood is evening out some, though).
Anyway, the point I want to talk to my future self about here are two KTC concepts I've wrapped my head around this time that I don't think I really did before. Of course, there are many, many other things that help here (roll call, knowing what's coming, support from bro's and vets, inspiration from others getting it done, information, accountability, etc), but in terms of basic, elemental mindset, these two following two thoughts keep me in line to start with:
1. Caving is not an option.
2. Not dipping is the most important thing I'll do today.
I may have said number one before, but I didn't mean it. It's the combo with number two that seems to make it work. I don't think I had truly convinced myself that quitting was the most important thing before, and now I have.
What results is an entirely different internal battle than the one before.
Before, caving always occupied one side of the vs. and some seemingly important thing minus dip occupied the other:
1. Just take a dip beforehand and make that work presentation smooth vs. muddle through it, filled with anxiety.
2. Cave in and dip at the party after drinking vs. being pissed off at the party and not having any fun.
These are all the wrong questions and battles. If I believe one and two above, caving is never even part of the fight. Instead now they read more like:
1. Muddle through the work presentation filled with anxiety vs. drink a glass of water, take a deep breath, realize it's not really that bad, and know the next presentation will be even easier than this one since I'll have more distance between me and the nicbitch.
2. Be pissed off and not have any fun at the party vs. staying home in the first place because I know it's early in my quit vs. going to the party and beginning to learn how to enjoy without dip and calling it early if a crave starts to creep up.
"Caving is not an option" is the foundation of this thing, not part of an internal argument once something else "important" shows up. It IS the important thing and preceeds everything else. The only remaining arguments involving important things number 2, 3, 4, etc. is HOW I'm going to deal with them since nicotine isn't even in the picture.
I may seem simple to many, but it's a stark difference to my mindset before when I "tried" to quit or even talked myself out of trying.
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Haven't posted in this since day 4 which I kind of regret, since there were definitely some memorable issues (progression of sleep issues from severely shitty to getting a full nights uninterrupted last night day 11-12, craves getting lighter, but still getting a couple strong ones per day, overall mood is evening out some, though).
Anyway, the point I want to talk to my future self about here are two KTC concepts I've wrapped my head around this time that I don't think I really did before. Of course, there are many, many other things that help here (roll call, knowing what's coming, support from bro's and vets, inspiration from others getting it done, information, accountability, etc), but in terms of basic, elemental mindset, these two following two thoughts keep me in line to start with:
1. Caving is not an option.
2. Not dipping is the most important thing I'll do today.
I may have said number one before, but I didn't mean it. It's the combo with number two that seems to make it work. I don't think I had truly convinced myself that quitting was the most important thing before, and now I have.
What results is an entirely different internal battle than the one before.
Before, caving always occupied one side of the vs. and some seemingly important thing minus dip occupied the other:
1. Just take a dip beforehand and make that work presentation smooth vs. muddle through it, filled with anxiety.
2. Cave in and dip at the party after drinking vs. being pissed off at the party and not having any fun.
These are all the wrong questions and battles. If I believe one and two above, caving is never even part of the fight. Instead now they read more like:
1. Muddle through the work presentation filled with anxiety vs. drink a glass of water, take a deep breath, realize it's not really that bad, and know the next presentation will be even easier than this one since I'll have more distance between me and the nicbitch.
2. Be pissed off and not have any fun at the party vs. staying home in the first place because I know it's early in my quit vs. going to the party and beginning to learn how to enjoy without dip and calling it early if a crave starts to creep up.
"Caving is not an option" is the foundation of this thing, not part of an internal argument once something else "important" shows up. It IS the important thing and preceeds everything else. The only remaining arguments involving important things number 2, 3, 4, etc. is HOW I'm going to deal with them since nicotine isn't even in the picture.
I may seem simple to many, but it's a stark difference to my mindset before when I "tried" to quit or even talked myself out of trying.
I like the way you put this.
Well done.
-
Haven't posted in this since day 4 which I kind of regret, since there were definitely some memorable issues (progression of sleep issues from severely shitty to getting a full nights uninterrupted last night day 11-12, craves getting lighter, but still getting a couple strong ones per day, overall mood is evening out some, though).
Anyway, the point I want to talk to my future self about here are two KTC concepts I've wrapped my head around this time that I don't think I really did before. Of course, there are many, many other things that help here (roll call, knowing what's coming, support from bro's and vets, inspiration from others getting it done, information, accountability, etc), but in terms of basic, elemental mindset, these two following two thoughts keep me in line to start with:
1. Caving is not an option.
2. Not dipping is the most important thing I'll do today.
I may have said number one before, but I didn't mean it. It's the combo with number two that seems to make it work. I don't think I had truly convinced myself that quitting was the most important thing before, and now I have.
What results is an entirely different internal battle than the one before.
Before, caving always occupied one side of the vs. and some seemingly important thing minus dip occupied the other:
1. Just take a dip beforehand and make that work presentation smooth vs. muddle through it, filled with anxiety.
2. Cave in and dip at the party after drinking vs. being pissed off at the party and not having any fun.
These are all the wrong questions and battles. If I believe one and two above, caving is never even part of the fight. Instead now they read more like:
1. Muddle through the work presentation filled with anxiety vs. drink a glass of water, take a deep breath, realize it's not really that bad, and know the next presentation will be even easier than this one since I'll have more distance between me and the nicbitch.
2. Be pissed off and not have any fun at the party vs. staying home in the first place because I know it's early in my quit vs. going to the party and beginning to learn how to enjoy without dip and calling it early if a crave starts to creep up.
"Caving is not an option" is the foundation of this thing, not part of an internal argument once something else "important" shows up. It IS the important thing and preceeds everything else. The only remaining arguments involving important things number 2, 3, 4, etc. is HOW I'm going to deal with them since nicotine isn't even in the picture.
I may seem simple to many, but it's a stark difference to my mindset before when I "tried" to quit or even talked myself out of trying.
I like the way you put this.
Well done.
Great post. I think it's very important to talk to your future self. Posting on the boards and/or talking these ideas out is an excellent way to build a strong foundation for your quit. Continue being an active quitter for your present and future self. Dig it.
-
Haven't posted in this since day 4 which I kind of regret, since there were definitely some memorable issues (progression of sleep issues from severely shitty to getting a full nights uninterrupted last night day 11-12, craves getting lighter, but still getting a couple strong ones per day, overall mood is evening out some, though).
Anyway, the point I want to talk to my future self about here are two KTC concepts I've wrapped my head around this time that I don't think I really did before. Of course, there are many, many other things that help here (roll call, knowing what's coming, support from bro's and vets, inspiration from others getting it done, information, accountability, etc), but in terms of basic, elemental mindset, these two following two thoughts keep me in line to start with:
1. Caving is not an option.
2. Not dipping is the most important thing I'll do today.
I may have said number one before, but I didn't mean it. It's the combo with number two that seems to make it work. I don't think I had truly convinced myself that quitting was the most important thing before, and now I have.
What results is an entirely different internal battle than the one before.
Before, caving always occupied one side of the vs. and some seemingly important thing minus dip occupied the other:
1. Just take a dip beforehand and make that work presentation smooth vs. muddle through it, filled with anxiety.
2. Cave in and dip at the party after drinking vs. being pissed off at the party and not having any fun.
These are all the wrong questions and battles. If I believe one and two above, caving is never even part of the fight. Instead now they read more like:
1. Muddle through the work presentation filled with anxiety vs. drink a glass of water, take a deep breath, realize it's not really that bad, and know the next presentation will be even easier than this one since I'll have more distance between me and the nicbitch.
2. Be pissed off and not have any fun at the party vs. staying home in the first place because I know it's early in my quit vs. going to the party and beginning to learn how to enjoy without dip and calling it early if a crave starts to creep up.
"Caving is not an option" is the foundation of this thing, not part of an internal argument once something else "important" shows up. It IS the important thing and preceeds everything else. The only remaining arguments involving important things number 2, 3, 4, etc. is HOW I'm going to deal with them since nicotine isn't even in the picture.
I may seem simple to many, but it's a stark difference to my mindset before when I "tried" to quit or even talked myself out of trying.
I like the way you put this.
Well done.
Great post. I think it's very important to talk to your future self. Posting on the boards and/or talking these ideas out is an excellent way to build a strong foundation for your quit. Continue being an active quitter for your present and future self. Dig it.
I like it !! Keep this up !!
'clap' 'clap'
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DAY 27
Just wanted to add a couple notes to my intro page.
1. I had a cave dream a couple days ago (day 25ish)...not a dip dream, because cigarettes have traditionally been my "gateway cave" instrument. Also, because in the dream, I wasn't having the nic in the normal course of events (as though I never quit) but, rather, I knew in the dream I had quit and that it was wrong. It was very, very strange.
In the dream, I had somehow gotten ahold of a cig and was going to knowingly cave and smoke it. I was running around the house looking for a light, but couldn't find one. I was frantic and rushed. It was as if the sleeping, dreaming me (apparently, the week ass would-be caver) wanted nic REALLY badly, but he knew if he didn't get it in quickly, the real, live me (the bad ass quitter), would put the kibosh on the whole deal. I actually woke up before I ever found a light, but it really did feel like I had chased myself awake to stop it. Wieeerrrd. I remember being extremely, extremely ashamed of myself, but got over it quickly when I knew awake me wouldn't do that.
2. I'm trying to figure out what "crave" and "bad day vs. good day" and things like that mean to me at this stage, especially "crave." In the very beginning of my quit (first week or so), I massively craved dip. A lot of my time was spent fighting off these craves. Since then, I've still had good and bad days, good and bad hours, etc., but I don't know if "craving dip" is the best way to describe it. Sometimes I'm in a better mood than other times. Sometimes I feel a bit foggier than other times. But I'm not exactly associating it with taking a dip (or other nic).
I suppose in the general sense I know it has mostly to do with the process of quitting nic, but I don't exactly associate those feelings with taking a dip. I can honestly say that in the past couple weeks, I really haven't actually thought about the act of dipping (or smoking, except in dream...), even as a hypothetical, really. I know I'm quit. I associate a change in mood or fog with nothing much other than a change in mood or fog. It happens. You eat seeds, do something else, wait it out...whatever. It is what it is, but it wouldn't be affected by dip either way, so I'm sort of not associating the two, at least not consciously.
The only time I think I can remember actually thinking about the act of dipping is for a split second here and there when the nic bitch pokes a couple neurons and asks me why I don't have a dip in...in which case, I remind the ho that I don't do that I don't do that shit anymore. It's literally a one second exchange, but those times have nothing to do with mood or what kind of day I'm having. They actually seem to happen more on good or neutral days.
Anyway, the point is, people who have never used nicotine get in bad moods/have bad days also. Nicotine does NOT make it better, so I'm learning not to associate mood as closely with dip. I just need to find other ways of dealing with mood shifts, etc.
(postnote: I know I still may have some massive craves at some point that will blow all the above out of the water. That's what posting roll and hanging around here is for. Nonetheless, that's kind of how I'm feeling right now, and the whole thing is probably a further extension of my feelings in my last post becoming more subconscious and ingrained, as opposed to something I have to consciously remind myself of.)
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Day 366
Wow, nothing in here since day 27. Amazing how much has changed. A one-year thought or two:
I remember last St. Paddy's day well (first full day quit). Late in the day I went for a walk that took me by the C-store where I'd bought ridiculous amounts of dip. I re-upped my roll right before I left because that C-store was like a terrifying supermonster in my mind. It's a little fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I was literally shaking going past it (twice). Going by that store was like clawing at the sheer rock of a cliff I was falling off and just barely hanging on and scrambling back up on to the ledge. My quit was never in real danger because I had already given my word, but it did take all my strength.
When I compare that day (and the few that followed) to today, I can't believe how happy I am that quitting every day is a breeze, yet a necessary one. Seeing some of these long time quitters caving and going through the suck again () just strengthens my resolve and commitment to re-up my quit every day. It's so EASY to do now! Why wouldn't I do that small, seconds-per-day-task to protect this infinitely better place I'm in? So I quit again today and will tomorrow too.
Sidenote (and another way to put it): It kind of occurred to me that posting roll is like pot odds in poker, except you're guaranteed to win AS LONG AS YOU PLAY. In the beginning you have to go ALL IN every hand. It takes every last chip you've got, but you get to stay in the game for anther day quit. Now, I'm pot invested, but the cost of staying in is next to nothing...one measly chip. So, I've already got all these chips in the pot and all I have to do now is add one measly chip per day. Do that and I get to stay in the game for sure? But if I don't put my chip in, I may lose everything? I'm the damn big stack now, bitches, of course I'm staying for one measely chip! It's a no-brainer.
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awesome teamgreen...congrats on the year.
Stay Quit
Brian
May09