KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: radar on July 20, 2011, 12:20:00 PM
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So, here's the Reader's Digest condensed version of my story:
Started smoking when I was 11, mainly because I was a goody-two shoes and wanted my own level of badassery. Started dipping at 15 when my grandfather passed away, and I just couldn't handle reality.
Smoked and dipped almost constantly, hitting something like 2 packs and 2 cans a day by the time I was 20. Then I went to Navy boot camp. Couldn't smoke or dip there, but once I got out, all hell broke loose.
I smoked, and I kid you not, 3 packs a day, often 2 at a time. I was never without a dip either. Ate with one, slept with one, hell, it was my "other half."
Fast-forward to April, 2010. I quit smoking for good, or so I thought. Switched to nicotine gum for when I couldn't dip, and thought everything was ok.
This, of course, meant that now I'm dipping bigger pinches, and chewing 2 pieces of 4mg nicotine gum at a time when not dipping.
Yesterday, I looked through my can box, where I save empty cans. There were over a hundred in there, and I emptied that box last month.
Cancer never bothered me, as I always had a sort of fatalistic approach to life in general. I just never cared, about anything, after...well, that's maybe for another post.
So where am I now? Well, hiding dipping from most people, going through 2+ cans a day and 2 boxes of hundred count nicotine gum a month. I've had a few smoking relapses as well: last month, I bought a carton, sat myself down and smoked the whole thing over the course of 2 days.
I'm 27 fucking years old, I spend more money on nicotine than food, can't function without it, and have finally hit a point where I think it's time to kick it for good.
Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.
So, that's my story. Taking things one day at a time. Not sure if I'm ready to quit, but I figure if I post this, maybe someone will give me enough of a verbal beating to finally push me over the edge.
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My personal opinion is you are not ready to quit.
If you really are, however, we can help you. It will not be fun and you will have to give it everything you have, but it can be done.
You know it will kill you. If you want to live, throw away the dip you have in your mouth right now, you know you do, and tell us you are ready.
PS. People with half a face are really scary: http://www.killthecan.org/pics/ (http://www.killthecan.org/pics/)
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Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.
So, that's my story. Taking things one day at a time. Not sure if I'm ready to quit, but I figure if I post this, maybe someone will give me enough of a verbal beating to finally push me over the edge.
if you don't want to change as a person and become someone different that means you're happy as you are. If that's the case then you should probably stay that way:
Basically a junkie addict with a dip in your lip and a smoke hanging out of your mouth.
On the other hand after 35 years of dipping and being a slave to the can, avoiding my family, having health issues, and spending thousands of dollars a year on tobacco, I said I'm NOT happy with who I am and I WANT to become someone different.
I think that's the big difference here.
In fact I'd save that line you embellished below. It would make a great epitath: Here lies radar. He feared losing himself more than death......
I'd get someone started on that tombstone quick though cause at the rate you're consuming I'm taking bets on not reaching 40......
How 'bout dem apples.....
TCOPE on a rope.....
P.S. If you REALLY do want to become someone different then get over to October and post up a day 1. I'll support you along with hundreds of others that have taken that step in saying "I want my life to change"......
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So, here's the Reader's Digest condensed version of my story:
Started smoking when I was 11, mainly because I was a goody-two shoes and wanted my own level of badassery. Started dipping at 15 when my grandfather passed away, and I just couldn't handle reality.
Smoked and dipped almost constantly, hitting something like 2 packs and 2 cans a day by the time I was 20. Then I went to Navy boot camp. Couldn't smoke or dip there, but once I got out, all hell broke loose.
I smoked, and I kid you not, 3 packs a day, often 2 at a time. I was never without a dip either. Ate with one, slept with one, hell, it was my "other half."
Fast-forward to April, 2010. I quit smoking for good, or so I thought. Switched to nicotine gum for when I couldn't dip, and thought everything was ok.
This, of course, meant that now I'm dipping bigger pinches, and chewing 2 pieces of 4mg nicotine gum at a time when not dipping.
Yesterday, I looked through my can box, where I save empty cans. There were over a hundred in there, and I emptied that box last month.
Cancer never bothered me, as I always had a sort of fatalistic approach to life in general. I just never cared, about anything, after...well, that's maybe for another post.
So where am I now? Well, hiding dipping from most people, going through 2+ cans a day and 2 boxes of hundred count nicotine gum a month. I've had a few smoking relapses as well: last month, I bought a carton, sat myself down and smoked the whole thing over the course of 2 days.
I'm 27 fucking years old, I spend more money on nicotine than food, can't function without it, and have finally hit a point where I think it's time to kick it for good.
Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.
So, that's my story. Taking things one day at a time. Not sure if I'm ready to quit, but I figure if I post this, maybe someone will give me enough of a verbal beating to finally push me over the edge.
The only way to quit is to want it, and you are going to become different.
Post roll. Don't use nicotine today.
Do this again tomorrow.
Do it again the next day.
Have a quit box where you store all your money you've wasted on nicotine gum, chew, and cigarettes. Hell, by the sounds of it, you are going to need a money bin ala Scrooge McDuck in a few years.
October Quitters (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=4873&st=0)
We quit on this site one day at a time. We post roll call daily telling each other that we won't use nictotine that day.
Your quit is not special. The site administrator did it 2200 days ago. I went through the same shit 22 days ago. There's some guys going through the physical withdrawal right now. But we do it together because we all know how tough it is to quit.
Come join us. Post roll. I'll PM you my cell phone once you've posted roll. Text me anytime.
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Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.
So, that's my story. Taking things one day at a time. Not sure if I'm ready to quit, but I figure if I post this, maybe someone will give me enough of a verbal beating to finally push me over the edge.
if you don't want to change as a person and become someone different that means you're happy as you are. If that's the case then you should probably stay that way:
Basically a junkie addict with a dip in your lip and a smoke hanging out of your mouth.
On the other hand after 35 years of dipping and being a slave to the can, avoiding my family, having health issues, and spending thousands of dollars a year on tobacco, I said I'm NOT happy with who I am and I WANT to become someone different.
I think that's the big difference here.
In fact I'd save that line you embellished below. It would make a great epitath: Here lies radar. He feared losing himself more than death......
I'd get someone started on that tombstone quick though cause at the rate you're consuming I'm taking bets on not reaching 40......
How 'bout dem apples.....
TCOPE on a rope.....
P.S. If you REALLY do want to become someone different then get over to October and post up a day 1. I'll support you along with hundreds of others that have taken that step in saying "I want my life to change"......
Seriously? You're worried about becoming a person other than the one you just described?! If you're kidding, it's not funny. If you're serious, go back and read what you wrote and realize how ridiculous your "fear of changing as a person" sounds.
I used to dip 1.5-2.0 cans a day, and I've been quit for 492 days now. I can promise you, neither I nor anyone I know misses that dumbass, hard dipping motherfucker. My life is much better now, and nothing good about me died. You can only change for the better by quitting. Period. Yeah, quitting is hard as hell in the beginning, but there's always a price to be paid for freedom. If you've got the balls to promise not to use nicotine every day, and if you're man enough to live up to that promise, you're in the right place.
Scared of losing yourself, though? Come on, don't bullshit me and I won't bullshit you.
P.S. Some of the other negative traits you describe? You'd be surprised how those can be positively affect by the strength you gain by quitting. But make no mistake, your addiction is a monster all it's own and has nothing to do with any hard times you may or may not have. You just have to man up and quit each day. As they say, not easy, but simple.
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If I were you I would be scarred of losing myself also......."myself " being a large section of your jaw or maybe your tongue......you could lose all of you salivary glands and taste buds from the radiation treatments needed to burn the cancer out of your face or throat....you may look in a mirror and see half a face and know you lost "yourself"...or you could quit that poison you are feeding yourself and maybe find "yourself"....
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Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.
So, that's my story. Taking things one day at a time. Not sure if I'm ready to quit, but I figure if I post this, maybe someone will give me enough of a verbal beating to finally push me over the edge.
if you don't want to change as a person and become someone different that means you're happy as you are. If that's the case then you should probably stay that way:
Basically a junkie addict with a dip in your lip and a smoke hanging out of your mouth.
On the other hand after 35 years of dipping and being a slave to the can, avoiding my family, having health issues, and spending thousands of dollars a year on tobacco, I said I'm NOT happy with who I am and I WANT to become someone different.
I think that's the big difference here.
In fact I'd save that line you embellished below. It would make a great epitath: Here lies radar. He feared losing himself more than death......
I'd get someone started on that tombstone quick though cause at the rate you're consuming I'm taking bets on not reaching 40......
How 'bout dem apples.....
TCOPE on a rope.....
P.S. If you REALLY do want to become someone different then get over to October and post up a day 1. I'll support you along with hundreds of others that have taken that step in saying "I want my life to change"......
Seriously? You're worried about becoming a person other than the one you just described?! If you're kidding, it's not funny. If you're serious, go back and read what you wrote and realize how ridiculous your "fear of changing as a person" sounds.
I used to dip 1.5-2.0 cans a day, and I've been quit for 492 days now. I can promise you, neither I nor anyone I know misses that dumbass, hard dipping motherfucker. My life is much better now, and nothing good about me died. You can only change for the better by quitting. Period. Yeah, quitting is hard as hell in the beginning, but there's always a price to be paid for freedom. If you've got the balls to promise not to use nicotine every day, and if you're man enough to live up to that promise, you're in the right place.
Scared of losing yourself, though? Come on, don't bullshit me and I won't bullshit you.
P.S. Some of the other negative traits you describe? You'd be surprised how those can be positively affect by the strength you gain by quitting. But make no mistake, your addiction is a monster all it's own and has nothing to do with any hard times you may or may not have. You just have to man up and quit each day. As they say, not easy, but simple.
Just maybe you will find out who you really are?
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If I were you I would be scarred of losing myself also......."myself " being a large section of your jaw or maybe your tongue......you could lose all of you salivary glands and taste buds from the radiation treatments needed to burn the cancer out of your face or throat....you may look in a mirror and see half a face and know you lost "yourself"...or you could quit that poison you are feeding yourself and maybe find "yourself"....
Yea your not gonna loose yourself. Trust me people don't think your cool and a badass cause you dip. I've personally never had anyone tell me yo Tommy your so fucking cool bro you dip. It's usually you still fucking do that shit?
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If I were you I would be scarred of losing myself also......."myself " being a large section of your jaw or maybe your tongue......you could lose all of you salivary glands and taste buds from the radiation treatments needed to burn the cancer out of your face or throat....you may look in a mirror and see half a face and know you lost "yourself"...or you could quit that poison you are feeding yourself and maybe find "yourself"....
Yea your not gonna loose yourself. Trust me people don't think your cool and a badass cause you dip. I've personally never had anyone tell me yo Tommy your so fucking cool bro you dip. It's usually you still fucking do that shit?
That's funny...I've had friends say that to me. "You still chew?" Like they were surprised I didn't get rid of what was a habit for them and is an addiction for me. You are a nicotine addict like me...yay...embrace it and live by it.
Life
Death
at least you have something of a choice in part of it. 'Sno'
PS - I like these little yellow fuckers so I'm gonna keep posting them at random.
jmiah out 'Remshot'
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If I were you I would be scarred of losing myself also......."myself " being a large section of your jaw or maybe your tongue......you could lose all of you salivary glands and taste buds from the radiation treatments needed to burn the cancer out of your face or throat....you may look in a mirror and see half a face and know you lost "yourself"...or you could quit that poison you are feeding yourself and maybe find "yourself"....
Yea your not gonna loose yourself. Trust me people don't think your cool and a badass cause you dip. I've personally never had anyone tell me yo Tommy your so fucking cool bro you dip. It's usually you still fucking do that shit?
That's funny...I've had friends say that to me. "You still chew?" Like they were surprised I didn't get rid of what was a habit for them and is an addiction for me. You are a nicotine addict like me...yay...embrace it and live by it.
Life
Death
at least you have something of a choice in part of it. 'Sno'
PS - I like these little yellow fuckers so I'm gonna keep posting them at random.
jmiah out 'Remshot'
I was just afraid that without nicotine, maybe something in my brain would change, and how I think and act and feel might change, that's all.
Been 2 hours or so, can't really tell. Longest I've gone in years.
I'm going minute by minute.
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If I were you I would be scarred of losing myself also......."myself " being a large section of your jaw or maybe your tongue......you could lose all of you salivary glands and taste buds from the radiation treatments needed to burn the cancer out of your face or throat....you may look in a mirror and see half a face and know you lost "yourself"...or you could quit that poison you are feeding yourself and maybe find "yourself"....
Yea your not gonna loose yourself. Trust me people don't think your cool and a badass cause you dip. I've personally never had anyone tell me yo Tommy your so fucking cool bro you dip. It's usually you still fucking do that shit?
That's funny...I've had friends say that to me. "You still chew?" Like they were surprised I didn't get rid of what was a habit for them and is an addiction for me. You are a nicotine addict like me...yay...embrace it and live by it.
Life
Death
at least you have something of a choice in part of it. 'Sno'
PS - I like these little yellow fuckers so I'm gonna keep posting them at random.
jmiah out 'Remshot'
I was just afraid that without nicotine, maybe something in my brain would change, and how I think and act and feel might change, that's all.
Been 2 hours or so, can't really tell. Longest I've gone in years.
I'm going minute by minute.
You are right. Your brain will change. The receptors in your brain that activate dopamine (feel good drug) when you take in nicotine will be confused for a while and might even produce less of the feel good shit. That's normal and will pass. Natural dopamine activators like exercise, sex, eating (don't do too much) will help. Talk, talk, talk.
jmiah out
more yellow fuckers
:mellow:
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Before quitting I always used to make excuses about how hard it would be to not dip during certain activities or situations that I always associated with dip.
You know the story. Those moments or times that you always used to pop one in your mouth. It could be fishing, playing baseball, hunting season, watching the tube, reading a book, a long drive or whatever.
I used to say "damn, there is no way I could mow the grass without a big dip in".
or.....
"It would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to make it through this 7 hour drive without dip"...
If you used to or still have some of these thoughts and are not sure how you might handle these situations in the future let me be clear:
It IS POSSIBLE to do these things without dip. At the beginning it's a struggle and it SEEMS impossible but that will pass.
On the other hand, let me explain to you the TRUE meaning of IMPOSSIBLE as it relates to this addiction.
It truly is IMPOSSIBLE to enjoy and participate in these activities when you're dead. ThatÂ’s the plain and simple road youÂ’re headed down if you keep on dipping.
you've got a choice: Possible or Impossible.
Choose wisely my junkies....
TCOPE not on the dope
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If I were you I would be scarred of losing myself also......."myself " being a large section of your jaw or maybe your tongue......you could lose all of you salivary glands and taste buds from the radiation treatments needed to burn the cancer out of your face or throat....you may look in a mirror and see half a face and know you lost "yourself"...or you could quit that poison you are feeding yourself and maybe find "yourself"....
Yea your not gonna loose yourself. Trust me people don't think your cool and a badass cause you dip. I've personally never had anyone tell me yo Tommy your so fucking cool bro you dip. It's usually you still fucking do that shit?
That's funny...I've had friends say that to me. "You still chew?" Like they were surprised I didn't get rid of what was a habit for them and is an addiction for me. You are a nicotine addict like me...yay...embrace it and live by it.
Life
Death
at least you have something of a choice in part of it. 'Sno'
PS - I like these little yellow fuckers so I'm gonna keep posting them at random.
jmiah out 'Remshot'
I was just afraid that without nicotine, maybe something in my brain would change, and how I think and act and feel might change, that's all.
Been 2 hours or so, can't really tell. Longest I've gone in years.
I'm going minute by minute.
This is something I've considered too, as you can see from my introduction.
However, it is not something to use as a crutch.
Let's find out together. Maybe it's a moot point.
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If I were you I would be scarred of losing myself also......."myself " being a large section of your jaw or maybe your tongue......you could lose all of you salivary glands and taste buds from the radiation treatments needed to burn the cancer out of your face or throat....you may look in a mirror and see half a face and know you lost "yourself"...or you could quit that poison you are feeding yourself and maybe find "yourself"....
Yea your not gonna loose yourself. Trust me people don't think your cool and a badass cause you dip. I've personally never had anyone tell me yo Tommy your so fucking cool bro you dip. It's usually you still fucking do that shit?
That's funny...I've had friends say that to me. "You still chew?" Like they were surprised I didn't get rid of what was a habit for them and is an addiction for me. You are a nicotine addict like me...yay...embrace it and live by it.
Life
Death
at least you have something of a choice in part of it. 'Sno'
PS - I like these little yellow fuckers so I'm gonna keep posting them at random.
jmiah out 'Remshot'
I was just afraid that without nicotine, maybe something in my brain would change, and how I think and act and feel might change, that's all.
Been 2 hours or so, can't really tell. Longest I've gone in years.
I'm going minute by minute.
You are right. Your brain will change. The receptors in your brain that activate dopamine (feel good drug) when you take in nicotine will be confused for a while and might even produce less of the feel good shit. That's normal and will pass. Natural dopamine activators like exercise, sex, eating (don't do too much) will help. Talk, talk, talk.
jmiah out
more yellow fuckers
:mellow:
Eat, work out, and get some hot poontang.
You will enjoy ALL of these activities more after you quit and your mind straightens itself out. I'm no doctor, but I think it all has something to do with your circulation improving.
Things will definitely change, but it will be for the better. Once you get over the suck of the first few days, of course.
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Hello Radar , lemme lay it out for you, there is nothing for you to lose and everything for you to gain. You started dipping as a child. You never got a chance to even discover who YOU were without addictions shadow hanging over you. Embrace the chance to let the true radar walk into the world, he maybe a righteous dude. What you are right now is a lie, your an image created by an addict . The real you won't be lost , but actually found when you wake up from the addiction.
That shit isn't your identity and it doesn't make you smarter, better looking, tougher, meaner, or any other imagined thing. In fact the only thing it does is keep you addicted to it. Grab your balls, grit your teeth and owe thru, let's see what the real Radar is made of
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Hello Radar , lemme lay it out for you, there is nothing for you to lose and everything for you to gain. You started dipping as a child. You never got a chance to even discover who YOU were without addictions shadow hanging over you. Embrace the chance to let the true radar walk into the world, he maybe a righteous dude. What you are right now is a lie, your an image created by an addict . The real you won't be lost , but actually found when you wake up from the addiction.
That shit isn't your identity and it doesn't make you smarter, better looking, tougher, meaner, or any other imagined thing. In fact the only thing it does is keep you addicted to it. Grab your balls, grit your teeth and owe thru, let's see what the real Radar is made of
x2
SM beat me to the punch. You gotta learn who you are as an adult bro. All the shit that you do now, is going to be better once you're not putting poison in your body at mass quantities. We got to separate the addict out of you. Kick that guy to the curb. He's a loser. 'You' gotta stand tall.
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Radar,
Every day you beat this addcition is a day the REAL you is emerging. We are here to support you---read and listen to everything all the quitters are telling you.
Remember, your only job is to not put the Cancerous shit in your body! If you do that today, if you keep your PROMISE AND MAN UP, your body/mind will heal itself and come into balance on it's own--a little each day. It will come to balance quicker, if you eat right and also excercise too.
Don't Use + Treat you body/mind right = a brand knew you---a REAL YOU!!!
LL
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post roll, keep your word.
or die
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Still here, still kicking this ridiculous habit and myself for ever getting started.
I feel so...gaaaaahhh. But I'm doing it, I'm fucking doing it.
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Still here, still kicking this ridiculous habit and myself for ever getting started.
I feel so...gaaaaahhh. But I'm doing it, I'm fucking doing it.
There is nothing ridiculous here...except may be MedStudent's trite quips in response to my taunts. You are an addict. Wrap your head around that. We are exorcising an addict from you bro and indeed it is not easy. And you are doing it. You are fucking doing it bro. Proud of you for taking this step. You will do this. You don't dip anymore.
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Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.
if you don't want to change as a person and become someone different that means you're happy as you are. If that's the case then you should probably stay that way:
Basically a junkie addict with a dip in your lip and a smoke hanging out of your mouth.
On the other hand after 35 years of dipping and being a slave to the can, avoiding my family, having health issues, and spending thousands of dollars a year on tobacco, I said I'm NOT happy with who I am and I WANT to become someone different.
I think that's the big difference here.
Interesting couple of comments there that made me kind of look at myself introspectively.
I went through a lot of depression during my first couple months of quit. I think it was mostly due to losing part of myself.
Deep in my heart of hearts I wanted that part gone and I couldn't be happier now that it is, but it certainly had a psychological impact on me.
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Day 3. GRRRRRRR. Skin is on fire this morning. Don't have time to go in the chat, need to run between a few offices today. I have some numbers, so you may get a text from me!
Hmmm, weird. Sitting here, it comes and goes like waves. First anger, HARD craving. Then slight irritation, then nothing.
I'm quit. Staying quit today. Today, I am quit.
Foof.
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Day 3. GRRRRRRR. Skin is on fire this morning. Don't have time to go in the chat, need to run between a few offices today. I have some numbers, so you may get a text from me!
Hmmm, weird. Sitting here, it comes and goes like waves. First anger, HARD craving. Then slight irritation, then nothing.
I'm quit. Staying quit today. Today, I am quit.
Foof.
Keep in mind the craves don't last forever. When a monster crave hits, don't think about how much you want a dip. Think about how that crave will be over in 20, 30, 40 minutes. When the crave cones you just need to stay quit until the crave ends. Then you're back to life and the person you REALLY are.
You can do this.
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Something I picked up from Souliman (the man can be a genius at times)...personify your addiction...visualize it as someone or something you can, and more importantly will, defeat. For me, I see it as my evil twin. The "me" that snuck off to the back yard to have one last dip before bed...the me that avoided talking to my kids because I didn't want to spit in front of them...the me who couldn't wait for my wife to go to bed so I could spend time with my mistress, Copenhagen.
Once I identified my addiction, I could manage it. I fought it...mentally, verbally, physically. I've actually told it out loud to "Fuck right off, I'm quit today!" and have envisioned locking my addiction up in a cage. Whatever you need to do in order to get past the craves, do it. I don't think they'll ever go away, but they do get better. Remember how shitty you feel right now and think about going through the suck all over again if you cave. It's just not worth it.
Use the resources here, get numbers, phone a friend...whatever...utilize the tools that you've been provided. Lots of people here are offering their support, don't be afraid to take it. PM if you need anything. 'archer'
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Radar, I am Quit with you today. You and I are definitely "young-guns" compared to most up in here. I'm 25, and our stories are not all that different. Started smoking young, traded smoking for dip, couldn't function without nic. If I can do this, you CAN do this.
As to whether or not you 'change' as a person I think that the simple answer is Yes. However, whoever said that change was a bad thing? In this case, its more of a peeling of the onion than a metamorphic change. Things will become apparent to you, about you, that you never knew. Nicotine use shielded us from many aspects of ourselves and reduces our abilities to 'cope' with reality, the cold and angry bitch she can be at times. You will now, through the journey of your Quit (Which incidentally is also the rest of your life), have the opportunity to develop a stronger mind, resolve, soul...whatever you want to call it. In a nutshell, you will emerge a better YOU.
Enjoy the ride brother, you got a longggg life ahead of you...if you buy in %100 to what we offer.
CC
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Radar, I am Quit with you today. You and I are definitely "young-guns" compared to most up in here. I'm 25, and our stories are not all that different. Started smoking young, traded smoking for dip, couldn't function without nic. If I can do this, you CAN do this.
As to whether or not you 'change' as a person I think that the simple answer is Yes. However, whoever said that change was a bad thing? In this case, its more of a peeling of the onion than a metamorphic change. Things will become apparent to you, about you, that you never knew. Nicotine use shielded us from many aspects of ourselves and reduces our abilities to 'cope' with reality, the cold and angry bitch she can be at times. You will now, through the journey of your Quit (Which incidentally is also the rest of your life), have the opportunity to develop a stronger mind, resolve, soul...whatever you want to call it. In a nutshell, you will emerge a better YOU.
Enjoy the ride brother, you got a longggg life ahead of you...if you buy in %100 to what we offer.
CC
I AM doing this. FUCK YEAH!
I'm edgy, sure, but I can almost feel the nic leaving me. I can feel the old me leaving.
There's something better in here, I know it.
Getting closer to end of work day. Then home. I will stay quit.
You guys rock, we're doing this together. It's fin'a be pizza and beer time soon my friends, one day at a time.
Fuck this hurts, but in a good way.
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Something I picked up from Souliman (the man can be a genius at times)...personify your addiction...visualize it as someone or something you can, and more importantly will, defeat. For me, I see it as my evil twin. The "me" that snuck off to the back yard to have one last dip before bed...the me that avoided talking to my kids because I didn't want to spit in front of them...the me who couldn't wait for my wife to go to bed so I could spend time with my mistress, Copenhagen.
Once I identified my addiction, I could manage it. I fought it...mentally, verbally, physically. I've actually told it out loud to "Fuck right off, I'm quit today!" and have envisioned locking my addiction up in a cage. Whatever you need to do in order to get past the craves, do it. I don't think they'll ever go away, but they do get better. Remember how shitty you feel right now and think about going through the suck all over again if you cave. It's just not worth it.
Use the resources here, get numbers, phone a friend...whatever...utilize the tools that you've been provided. Lots of people here are offering their support, don't be afraid to take it. PM if you need anything. 'archer'
Exactly tazmed, dip was my dark mistress. I'm not even straight! but a mistress she was, and no more.
Been posting to friends that the 'Lady is dead'. She's so dead I'll never see her again, outta my life for good. Written off the Italian way.
On a side note, been having odd cigarette cravings, like for specific brands. Haven't had that in YEARS...must be everything finally leaving my system.
-
Something I picked up from Souliman (the man can be a genius at times)...personify your addiction...visualize it as someone or something you can, and more importantly will, defeat. For me, I see it as my evil twin. The "me" that snuck off to the back yard to have one last dip before bed...the me that avoided talking to my kids because I didn't want to spit in front of them...the me who couldn't wait for my wife to go to bed so I could spend time with my mistress, Copenhagen.
Once I identified my addiction, I could manage it. I fought it...mentally, verbally, physically. I've actually told it out loud to "Fuck right off, I'm quit today!" and have envisioned locking my addiction up in a cage. Whatever you need to do in order to get past the craves, do it. I don't think they'll ever go away, but they do get better. Remember how shitty you feel right now and think about going through the suck all over again if you cave. It's just not worth it.
Use the resources here, get numbers, phone a friend...whatever...utilize the tools that you've been provided. Lots of people here are offering their support, don't be afraid to take it. PM if you need anything. 'archer'
Exactly tazmed, dip was my dark mistress. I'm not even straight! but a mistress she was, and no more.
Been posting to friends that the 'Lady is dead'. She's so dead I'll never see her again, outta my life for good. Written off the Italian way.
On a side note, been having odd cigarette cravings, like for specific brands. Haven't had that in YEARS...must be everything finally leaving my system.
Funny you mention that...I haven't touched a cigarette in like 8 years and the second day of my quit I wanted to go buy Newports or Marlboro Reds. How fucking random is that? My brain was pissed at me for a few days. 'finger point'
-
Radar, I am Quit with you today. You and I are definitely "young-guns" compared to most up in here. I'm 25, and our stories are not all that different. Started smoking young, traded smoking for dip, couldn't function without nic. If I can do this, you CAN do this.
As to whether or not you 'change' as a person I think that the simple answer is Yes. However, whoever said that change was a bad thing? In this case, its more of a peeling of the onion than a metamorphic change. Things will become apparent to you, about you, that you never knew. Nicotine use shielded us from many aspects of ourselves and reduces our abilities to 'cope' with reality, the cold and angry bitch she can be at times. You will now, through the journey of your Quit (Which incidentally is also the rest of your life), have the opportunity to develop a stronger mind, resolve, soul...whatever you want to call it. In a nutshell, you will emerge a better YOU.
Enjoy the ride brother, you got a longggg life ahead of you...if you buy in %100 to what we offer.
CC
I AM doing this. FUCK YEAH!
I'm edgy, sure, but I can almost feel the nic leaving me. I can feel the old me leaving.
There's something better in here, I know it.
Getting closer to end of work day. Then home. I will stay quit.
You guys rock, we're doing this together. It's fin'a be pizza and beer time soon my friends, one day at a time.
Fuck this hurts, but in a good way.
I'm glad to hear this RadarMan. I will be seeing you in the morning then.
Do something fun tonight. Something that you have wanted to do, but couldn't because of dip. Go somewhere new. Eat some good food. Buy a small new toy. Take apart a computer. Learn an instrument. ...Do whatever it takes to keep that shit out of your face ya hear punkin :)
CC
-
I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.
I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif
Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.
I hope you find your way. Use your resources.
Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.
-
I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.
I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif
Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.
I hope you find your way. Use your resources.
Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.
The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.
It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.
Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.
Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.
-
I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.
I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif
Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.
I hope you find your way. Use your resources.
Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.
The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.
It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.
Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.
Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.
Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.
Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.
-
I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.
I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif
Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.
I hope you find your way. Use your resources.
Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.
The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.
It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.
Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.
Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.
Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.
Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.
'Finger'
Come back when you are ready.
This place is for Real Quitters whose word means something to them.
Taking my support elsewhere.
CC
-
I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.
I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif
Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.
I hope you find your way. Use your resources.
Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.
The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.
It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.
Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.
Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.
Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.
Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.
'Finger'
Come back when you are ready.
This place is for Real Quitters whose word means something to them.
Taking my support elsewhere.
CC
Feel free to take your support wherever you like, CC.
I'm still here. I'm still quit.
I'm doing whatever it takes to stay quit.
My word is worthless to you? Why was it ever worth anything to begin with? This is the internet, not real life.
Nevertheless, I AM quit today, and I will be quit tomorrow, and the next day, and so on.
One day at a time.
-
I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.
I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif
Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.
I hope you find your way. Use your resources.
Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.
The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.
It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.
Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.
Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.
Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.
Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.
'Finger'
Come back when you are ready.
This place is for Real Quitters whose word means something to them.
Taking my support elsewhere.
CC
Feel free to take your support wherever you like, CC.
I'm still here. I'm still quit.
I'm doing whatever it takes to stay quit.
My word is worthless to you? Why was it ever worth anything to begin with? This is the internet, not real life.
Nevertheless, I AM quit today, and I will be quit tomorrow, and the next day, and so on.
One day at a time.
If this is just 'the internet, not real life' why not just get a big yellow legal pad and a blue pen and write down 'Radar +1'? There. No need to come here. I just simplified life for you. And saved you some money in internet costs. Its okay. You're welcome. Were you using nic gum and posting roll?
I'm an addict and my IQ is north of gump. Your story and responses did not jive with me as truth. I'm happy you are quit. Prove me wrong. Show us that you have some resolve and backbone.
I guess we should add something to the Welcome Center at spot 0:
0. Do not buy tobacco products of any kind.
Trophies? Really? Trophies of your quit...while in the single digits? Radar do you really accept that you are an addict? That you have an enemy and that enemy is delivered through tobacco?
I'm all giddy in my nether region that you found quit again but if you don't have your head straight and are ready fight it don't matter where you write down 'Radar +1' because you are not going to win that fight. Prove me wrong. You have 98 days left to prove it.
-
I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.
I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif
Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.
I hope you find your way. Use your resources.
Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.
The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.
It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.
Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.
Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.
Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.
Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.
'Finger'
Come back when you are ready.
This place is for Real Quitters whose word means something to them.
Taking my support elsewhere.
CC
Feel free to take your support wherever you like, CC.
I'm still here. I'm still quit.
I'm doing whatever it takes to stay quit.
My word is worthless to you? Why was it ever worth anything to begin with? This is the internet, not real life.
Nevertheless, I AM quit today, and I will be quit tomorrow, and the next day, and so on.
One day at a time.
If this is just 'the internet, not real life' why not just get a big yellow legal pad and a blue pen and write down 'Radar +1'? There. No need to come here. I just simplified life for you. And saved you some money in internet costs. Its okay. You're welcome. Were you using nic gum and posting roll?
I'm an addict and my IQ is north of gump. Your story and responses did not jive with me as truth. I'm happy you are quit. Prove me wrong. Show us that you have some resolve and backbone.
I guess we should add something to the Welcome Center at spot 0:
0. Do not buy tobacco products of any kind.[\b]
Trophies? Really? Trophies of your quit...while in the single digits? Radar do you really accept that you are an addict? That you have an enemy and that enemy is delivered through tobacco?
I'm all giddy in my nether region that you found quit again but if you don't have your head straight and are ready fight it don't matter where you write down 'Radar +1' because you are not going to win that fight. Prove me wrong. You have 98 days left to prove it.
Souliman, I have nothing to prove to anyone. You take me for what you will.
I DID NOT POST ROLL WITH NIC IN MY BODY.
I'm not sure it's worth anyone's time to keep hashing that or not.
I'm doing this for MYSELF, ME. I accept that I am an ADDICT. I don't want to be controlled by this nicotine cunt anymore. I don't want to be giving money to the fucking dot shops for filthy shit that's just going to kill me, and meanwhile they go back to India and live like kings while I'm in the fucking cancer ward.
No, ain't fucking happening.
I know I fucked up, but I admitted to it. Can you say the same for yourself? And don't give me that shit that "Oh, I wouldn't have fucked up" Fuck you, you're human too.
Been reading a lot around here, the nic cycle especially. This disgusts me. My resolve to stay quit is even greater because of the SLIMY BUSINESS PRACTICE that nicotine is.
So yeah, that's how I feel.
-
Good for you Radar. I'm glad you have found your resolve to quit. That's what its going to take. Hate me if that helps. "Curse that Souliman...and his passion for quitting...heathen! Devil! Albatross!"
And no I have not fucked up since I posted my first and only day 1 here. My quit has been my top priority and I have protected it with the passion of a 1000 burning suns.
After I wrote that last statement I left something out. There are also a dozen or so folks in March 2011 that I would feel I completely disrespected if I had not honored my word any of the previous 236 days. That has also kept me quit. YOU FUCKERS BRING THE QUIT. Cheers.
As much as you may feel I'm an asshole you can always reach out for help. I will always answer. So how about waiting until you're 20 days quit before buying anymore trophies? Would you do that for me? Please?
-
I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3. I was an ass. PM me for my number. Call me and berate me, please. Doesn't matter what time it is either. Threw everything in the dumpster, and cut up my debit card. I deserve any and all abuse I get. If you're in New Jersey, pm me, with a location, I'll come to you, and you can hit me in the face. I deserve it. If anything, I need it.
I let this group down. I'm sorry..... banghead.gif
Short term pleasure with the threat of death vs short term pain with long term health.
I hope you find your way. Use your resources.
Radar what exactly was your plan? How were you planning to defend yourself? This is your life. We can try to help but you got to use every fucking tool right at your fingertips to start. What was your plan? What IS your plan? If you don't have any, we can reserve a spot for you in the death pool. The water is a little colder but at least the company you'll have is quiet.
The plan WAS to take things one day at a time, and to try to stay cool when the rage/craves hit.
It takes a little for me to open up to people sometimes. I should have called or texted someone, should have said something in the chat. Instead, I went haywire, and here I am, back at day 1.
Plan now is, stay inside today. Not leaving the house. I have enough food to last me 3-4 days if need be. I cut up my debit card and don't have any cash.
Going to to swimming in the pool this afternoon, and will do a deep clean of the apartment when I get back. Just need to keep busy, busy, busy.
Hold on a second there Faildar...you bought tobacco products...as "trophies". A fresh quitter buying tobacco products? Knowing you have craves? That is the stupidest thing I have read on this site. You intended to consume that shit. You do not have the mindset to quit. And if you were using nicotine gum and posting roll by the grace of god you deserve a fucking ass kicking because your WORD is worthless.
Think about who you are lying to in all this. Who are you trying to keep the truth from? Me? Your October quit brothers? The vets that have put this framework together to help us? I quit today. I will quit tomorrow...this I KNOW. A little cocky? May be. But I'm pretty fucking confident because I WANT TO QUIT.
'Finger'
Come back when you are ready.
This place is for Real Quitters whose word means something to them.
Taking my support elsewhere.
CC
Feel free to take your support wherever you like, CC.
I'm still here. I'm still quit.
I'm doing whatever it takes to stay quit.
My word is worthless to you? Why was it ever worth anything to begin with? This is the internet, not real life.
Nevertheless, I AM quit today, and I will be quit tomorrow, and the next day, and so on.
One day at a time.
If this is just 'the internet, not real life' why not just get a big yellow legal pad and a blue pen and write down 'Radar +1'? There. No need to come here. I just simplified life for you. And saved you some money in internet costs. Its okay. You're welcome. Were you using nic gum and posting roll?
I'm an addict and my IQ is north of gump. Your story and responses did not jive with me as truth. I'm happy you are quit. Prove me wrong. Show us that you have some resolve and backbone.
I guess we should add something to the Welcome Center at spot 0:
0. Do not buy tobacco products of any kind.[\b]
Trophies? Really? Trophies of your quit...while in the single digits? Radar do you really accept that you are an addict? That you have an enemy and that enemy is delivered through tobacco?
I'm all giddy in my nether region that you found quit again but if you don't have your head straight and are ready fight it don't matter where you write down 'Radar +1' because you are not going to win that fight. Prove me wrong. You have 98 days left to prove it.
Souliman, I have nothing to prove to anyone. You take me for what you will.
I DID NOT POST ROLL WITH NIC IN MY BODY.
I'm not sure it's worth anyone's time to keep hashing that or not.
I'm doing this for MYSELF, ME. I accept that I am an ADDICT. I don't want to be controlled by this nicotine cunt anymore. I don't want to be giving money to the fucking dot shops for filthy shit that's just going to kill me, and meanwhile they go back to India and live like kings while I'm in the fucking cancer ward.
No, ain't fucking happening.
I know I fucked up, but I admitted to it. Can you say the same for yourself? And don't give me that shit that "Oh, I wouldn't have fucked up" Fuck you, you're human too.
Been reading a lot around here, the nic cycle especially. This disgusts me. My resolve to stay quit is even greater because of the SLIMY BUSINESS PRACTICE that nicotine is.
So yeah, that's how I feel.
i dont think people are mad at you because you caved. It's that you fucking went OUT and brought a can of dip and smokes because you wanted to have a ''TROPHY''. And then you decided to get drunk. as soon as you brought that can it was game on with your cave bro. meanwhile i gotta fucking go out of my way to get gas at different stations so i wont cave. i got to fucking stop hanging with certin people so i wont cave...... but your over there fucking buying the shit as a ''trophy'' on your fucking third quit day or some shit!!!!!! fucking nutsssss
-
I don't hate anyone, no reason to. Just raging is all.
20 days? No problem. Going to focus on today though, if that's ok. Today, I'm quit.
-
I don't hate anyone, no reason to. Just raging is all.
20 days? No problem. Going to focus on today though, if that's ok. Today, I'm quit.
Quitter talk? Hmm. May be those raisins are swelling a bit after all.
-
I just saw this radar:
Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.
I know this feeling of losing yourself- I posted something about it about a month ago:
Day 136
On one of the threads today, a quitter mentioned that he felt like he was loosing himself by loosing all of his addictions. That mindset is certainly something I can relate to as it is a part of my "addict brain". That part of the brain that I have to make a conscious choice to battle every day.
The first few years of my dipping, I felt bad ass about it. It was a baseball player/ lumberjack thing. It kind of sticks in your subconscious that way. Coffee was the same way, and likewise for alcohol...It was the "adult" thing to do. Made me feel badass when I had some coffee at 12, just like the grown ups, just like my dad. Or when I was sneaking that swig, just like my older brothers..I'd like to say that I've grown up a little since then, but there are many parts of my brain that have not. I am in the process of retraining my brain to understand that chew is not cool, it is not a badass, grown up, baseball player, lumberjack thing to do. I am also teaching it that coffee has nothing to do with being grown up, nothing to do with being a man, ..Problem is, those parts of my brain still want to be 12. They don't want to be taught to be different than they have been. After all, I've left those parts of my brain that way for over 30 years.
While I am glad that progress has been made, the retraining is nowhere near complete. To some extent, it may not be for the rest of my life. The good news is despite ups and downs, the battle gets easier even if it is never over. I do know one thing: there is no standing still, no treading water. Every day is a push for progress. Every day is a day to overcome my addict's brain. The first step is to remind myself that I am an addict. The day I get up and forget that is the day I start sliding backwards into the abyss of addiction. That is why I am here. So I don't forget.
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I just saw this radar:
Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.
I know this feeling of losing yourself- I posted something about it about a month ago:
Day 136
On one of the threads today, a quitter mentioned that he felt like he was loosing himself by loosing all of his addictions. That mindset is certainly something I can relate to as it is a part of my "addict brain". That part of the brain that I have to make a conscious choice to battle every day.
The first few years of my dipping, I felt bad ass about it. It was a baseball player/ lumberjack thing. It kind of sticks in your subconscious that way. Coffee was the same way, and likewise for alcohol...It was the "adult" thing to do. Made me feel badass when I had some coffee at 12, just like the grown ups, just like my dad. Or when I was sneaking that swig, just like my older brothers..I'd like to say that I've grown up a little since then, but there are many parts of my brain that have not. I am in the process of retraining my brain to understand that chew is not cool, it is not a badass, grown up, baseball player, lumberjack thing to do. I am also teaching it that coffee has nothing to do with being grown up, nothing to do with being a man, ..Problem is, those parts of my brain still want to be 12. They don't want to be taught to be different than they have been. After all, I've left those parts of my brain that way for over 30 years.
While I am glad that progress has been made, the retraining is nowhere near complete. To some extent, it may not be for the rest of my life. The good news is despite ups and downs, the battle gets easier even if it is never over. I do know one thing: there is no standing still, no treading water. Every day is a push for progress. Every day is a day to overcome my addict's brain. The first step is to remind myself that I am an addict. The day I get up and forget that is the day I start sliding backwards into the abyss of addiction. That is why I am here. So I don't forget.
Hoo! Ffftttmmmppfffttt...
Exactly! YES YES YES!
This is exactly what I've been feeling/thinking. Right down to how my mind still wants to be 11 again.
And the 27 year old me wants to reprogram the 11 year old and kick him in the ass!
Well said, and thank you for sharing!
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Beginning Day 3 all over again. Can't sleep, and that's ok.
My other half came home this evening from being away for the weekend. I did most if not all of the withdrawal alone, even the dog was gone. This was good, and bad.
I explained myself completely, opened up fully about my habit and how I hadn't really quit, when I stopped smoking last year, I'd only diverted the addiction.
I'm happy to say that I was met with a great deal of support. Mentally, I was shot all day today. Couldn't think at all, the fog so thick nothing made sense to me. Almost crashed the car 3 times and that was just to get to my thinking pond.
As soon as the S.O. came home though, all of that cloudiness lifted. It's almost like I was waiting for that final approval, the acknowledgment that I had "done the right thing." It feels great having so much support, from so many different people.
I know I still have a long way to go, but each day is going to be a little better than the one before, because of all of you.
Thank you for helping me get my life back and for keeping me accountable. I will NEVER cave to the nic CUNT again. EVER. Especially after reading all the stories on here, and seeing just how pernicious it is.
Nicotine is dead to me.
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Beginning Day 3 all over again. Can't sleep, and that's ok.
My other half came home this evening from being away for the weekend. I did most if not all of the withdrawal alone, even the dog was gone. This was good, and bad.
I explained myself completely, opened up fully about my habit and how I hadn't really quit, when I stopped smoking last year, I'd only diverted the addiction.
I'm happy to say that I was met with a great deal of support. Mentally, I was shot all day today. Couldn't think at all, the fog so thick nothing made sense to me. Almost crashed the car 3 times and that was just to get to my thinking pond.
As soon as the S.O. came home though, all of that cloudiness lifted. It's almost like I was waiting for that final approval, the acknowledgment that I had "done the right thing." It feels great having so much support, from so many different people.
I know I still have a long way to go, but each day is going to be a little better than the one before, because of all of you.
Thank you for helping me get my life back and for keeping me accountable. I will NEVER cave to the nic CUNT again. EVER. Especially after reading all the stories on here, and seeing just how pernicious it is.
Nicotine is dead to me.
Prove it.
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Day 4. Still quit. Maybe I'm posting double-roll here, not sure. This is my little space to get my thoughts out.
Been eating like a maniac, but I don't mind. Better to be a fatass with a face than a skeleton without one.
This morning, I feel pretty good. Still craving a little, but not nearly as intense as it was on day 2.
The real test is I'm back to work today. Wish me luck!
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Hold on there Captain Funyuns. There is no need to become a fat ass during nicotine cessation. RudeRunner made an excellent comment in a thread yesterday that increasing your weight can make you subject to different health concerns (coronary, cholesterol, etc.). You don't want that either. An extra 30 lbs can be dangerous. Plan. If you know you keep stuffing your mouth, combat it. When snack time hits, go for a walk. Get some exercise daily. Setup a routine. Boom. Proactive not reactive. Take control.
PS. Dammit. Throw these words out of your vocabulary: try, hope, luck, cave. Luck is for losers. You have already won. You have set your mind and body free from being a slave. That is empowering. Act on it.
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This week just keeps fucking with me, and I keep persevering!
Groin pull had me out of commission for most of today, to the point that I went to the hospital thinking I had a hernia or worse.
Fighting with the S.O.'s parents is always fun...
Nieces' birthday party this weekend, a balloon festival, and then I need to hustle my ass up to Montréal to be the office bitch for a few days up there.
I'm doing all of this, and living in immense pain, without any nic to turn to.
Fuck her, fucking dark mistress. I don't even have physical cravings now. It's all mental blocks, that I created for myself, that I'm breaking down. I was a weak little shit.
No more. Never again.
For those asking me to prove it, come to my house. I'll show you all the proof you want. I'm dong this, and thanks to GrizzlyKills21, Big Brother Jack, amgdenney, jmiah, Shadow, 30yraddict, Florida Luke, Cornwallace, kdbdavear, and on and on and on (sorry if I didn't name you, kinda out of it, these were the first that came to mind...) I'm still going.
Fuck yeah.
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This week just keeps fucking with me, and I keep persevering!
Groin pull had me out of commission for most of today, to the point that I went to the hospital thinking I had a hernia or worse.
Fighting with the S.O.'s parents is always fun...
Nieces' birthday party this weekend, a balloon festival, and then I need to hustle my ass up to Montréal to be the office bitch for a few days up there.
I'm doing all of this, and living in immense pain, without any nic to turn to.
Fuck her, fucking dark mistress. I don't even have physical cravings now. It's all mental blocks, that I created for myself, that I'm breaking down. I was a weak little shit.
No more. Never again.
For those asking me to prove it, come to my house. I'll show you all the proof you want. I'm dong this, and thanks to GrizzlyKills21, Big Brother Jack, amgdenney, jmiah, Shadow, 30yraddict, Florida Luke, Cornwallace, kdbdavear, and on and on and on (sorry if I didn't name you, kinda out of it, these were the first that came to mind...) I'm still going.
Fuck yeah.
Phukin' right.
Show that bitch who is boss... feels good doesn't it.
Just a short time ago you couldn't last a couple hours without her, now you're curb stomping her!
Keep it up!
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This week just keeps fucking with me, and I keep persevering!
Groin pull had me out of commission for most of today, to the point that I went to the hospital thinking I had a hernia or worse.
Fighting with the S.O.'s parents is always fun...
Nieces' birthday party this weekend, a balloon festival, and then I need to hustle my ass up to Montréal to be the office bitch for a few days up there.
I'm doing all of this, and living in immense pain, without any nic to turn to.
Fuck her, fucking dark mistress. I don't even have physical cravings now. It's all mental blocks, that I created for myself, that I'm breaking down. I was a weak little shit.
No more. Never again.
For those asking me to prove it, come to my house. I'll show you all the proof you want. I'm dong this, and thanks to GrizzlyKills21, Big Brother Jack, amgdenney, jmiah, Shadow, 30yraddict, Florida Luke, Cornwallace, kdbdavear, and on and on and on (sorry if I didn't name you, kinda out of it, these were the first that came to mind...) I'm still going.
Fuck yeah.
Phukin' right.
Show that bitch who is boss... feels good doesn't it.
Just a short time ago you couldn't last a couple hours without her, now you're curb stomping her!
Keep it up!
I am so proud of you radar. You are winning... keep it up!
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Nice work brother. One day at a time. Fight it one day at a time and we'll get down the path.
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Nice work Radar. Focus on punting the ole nic down the block today. Tomorrow we reconstitute and go again...except you'll be one more day stronger and wiser = Papa's got a brand new bang!
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Alright, I just read through this thread and got seriously pissed off. I need to vent.
An Open Letter to Radar
Dear Radar,
Recently, you said:
Problem is, I don't know if I'm going to change as a person, become someone different. This has been a part of my life for 16 years, and I fear losing myself more than death, if that makes any sense.
Hmm. Should you be worried about "losing yourself?" Let's take stock. From what I can garner, here are some of your features:
Features of Radar's Identity
(1) Weak
Evidence:I fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3.
(2) Stupid
Evidence: I was on the way home, bought a can and pack of smokes, intended to keep them as trophies. This was going to be my way of keeping myself in check. Either that, or symbolically, I'd go and throw them in my thinking pond, as a kind of send-off to this stupid addiction.
(3) Dishonest
Evidence:radar - Day 3. Hell on earth. But I'm still here. Nothing gets an Italian down.
AndI fucked up. Got drunk and smoked and dipped. On day 3.
(4) Lack of caring about your dishonesty.
Evidence: My word is worthless to you? Why was it ever worth anything to begin with? This is the internet, not real life.
(5) Racist Asshole
Evidence: I don't want to be giving money to the fucking dot shops for filthy shit that's just going to kill me, and meanwhile they go back to India and live like kings while I'm in the fucking cancer ward.
[Note: This is especially hilarious. I'm sure all of the Indians that own convenience stores are living like kings. By exploiting whitey. Right.]
Better to be a 'fag' than a deadbeat breeder with too many mouths to feed and a mommasita on the welfare dime, bitch!
Well, Radar, given the above features, I wouldn't be so worried about "losing yourself." It looks like "a new you" would do you (as well as everyone else) some real good.
All the best!
Bowman
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I've just realised something. That whole rant I went on was a setup. (I was going to post this in the October quit group, but I didn't want to choke it with something that most people probably aren't interested in reading anyway.)
All of it. Here's why:
I posted roll very early, as I've been doing. Went about my business, decided to check and see who was posting and their messages next to the day number. It helps to motivate me, and I'm interested in how others are feeling. Call it Schadenfreude if you like, but it helps move me along.
So I notice, that my name isn't in the list. Huh? How could that be, I know I posted roll.
Lo and behold, I had, at 7:58am. At 8:01, gsenk posted roll. Maybe he had to step away, but we were both posting at the same time. His post didn't have my info in it, as he started the copypasta before 7:58. Cosmic accident? Must be. Or is it?
Maybe I'm going through another phase of withdrawal, but I can't help but wonder if this is one way for people to feed off each other. Make it look like I didn't post, or anyone for that matter, and then the rest of the herd jumps on that person's back, even though they DID actually post roll earlier in the day.
So, part II: I come round in the afternoon, re-post roll, and note I might not be able to post right on the money. I may be late, or may not be within the ability to contact someone to post for me.
Everything, as we saw, exploded. I lost my temper, which, to be honest, I feel I am entitled to do as I see fit. That is the ONLY thing I will ever feel that I am entitled to, as long as I am alive.
Now, was I wrong in exploding the way I did? Yes and no. Yes in that, well, to be honest, nothing made sense, the wiring was shot, and I don't text people when I'm angry. I fucking call them, and I tell them what I feel. I don't like sounding like a whiny little cunt, so I try to avoid that and go and do other constructive things instead. This time, I blew my stack.
Why? Well, simply - as I see it, I am required until day 100 to post roll on this site, every day. I am somehow required to be in contact with someone from this site, every day, until that point. Failure to do so is an automatic accusation of a cave, planned or otherwise, scorn, criticism and horrendous cynicism. It is an unheard of possibility, within the circles here, that someone should not consider that they may not be able to contact someone, or post.
I take issue with that. For several reasons. Now that I'm finally not in so much pain, I'd like to elucidate why. I was never asking for a hall pass from posting roll. I was never planning a cave, nor was I planning on anything other than, what I've previously stated.
To have so much controversy over something like this makes me seriously question both the power dynamic of an organisation like this insofar that it is determined that a strict set of rules is to be followed. If said rules are not followed, that person shall be scorned until they either leave or acquiesce to the bidding of the public therein.
What if I have an emergency, say an accident or I get stuck in an area without the ability to contact someone, will you automatically assume I've caved and given in to the Dark Mistress that haunts us all? Do you automatically think on day 2 of no roll post "Ohhhh radar, he finally gave in. He's in an alley in Albany with half a can of Grizzly in his mouth, all disheveled and full of cancer. We should pray for him, and make him feel like shit when he comes back to the site."
Am I wrong here? Please tell me I am.
So, allow me to clarify: I will post roll here as often as I can, and will contact someone in my list of numbers if I cannot. If I cannot contact someone, rest assured, at some point, I will have posted in roll that I will be going to X destination for Y amount of time and will return on Z date. It is my hobby to go back to nature, and once this summer house is underway (if all goes well) I may have blackout periods for a little while. I will note this in roll posts as succinctly as possible.
This is not a planned cave, nor a request to be excused from posting roll, this is being in an area of northeastern Québec with no internet or cellphone service for several days at a time. Once I'm finished, you all are more than welcome to come visit (assuming this even goes through. If I don't buy land, then I won't be up there for periods of time, ok?) I need to find land, get the money together and find out what regulations I am facing once I go to build on it.
Oh, and Bowman, come over here and say that.
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you people are all fucking nuts!!!!!
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tight rubberbands lead to castratution.
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Okay I'll bite...
Radar you got bumped. gsenk didn't check to see if he bumped anyone. You guys should always make a point to check as there are so many folks in your group. That wasn't intentional.
Everything, as we saw, exploded. I lost my temper, which, to be honest, I feel I am entitled to do as I see fit. That is the ONLY thing I will ever feel that I am entitled to, as long as I am alive.
-You're entitled to a lot more than that my friend. But in this place with the stage of withdrawal that you and your quit brothers are in, rage is at everyone's finger tip. There are probably better ways to communicate stuff at this point.
Why? Well, simply - as I see it, I am required until day 100 to post roll on this site, every day. I am somehow required to be in contact with someone from this site, every day, until that point. Failure to do so is an automatic accusation of a cave, planned or otherwise, scorn, criticism and horrendous cynicism. It is an unheard of possibility, within the circles here, that someone should not consider that they may not be able to contact someone, or post.
-Are you required to post roll? I had to think about this for a second. The way I see it is the program works. Its simple...
1. Post roll everyday
2. Keep your word
3. Repeat
The level of support that a quitter gets is tremendous. We all say it but you can't buy this kind of support. Strangers willing to answer your call any time of day. Meet with you. Talk you through the shit. To warrant that level of support, folks need to be convinced that a quitter is doing absolutely everything in their power to quit. Everything. And that most certainly includes posting roll. I really believe everyone here only wants to see every other brother/sister successful in their quit. I believe that. I have some thoughts on why but I won't spew that here. The other side of the coin is YOU should want to post roll everyday. Its not a take it or leave it kind of thing. Its Radar saying "I quit today" and you and other folks respecting that. You put your name down and stick to it. You have conquered. That's what you should get out of that. You put down your word and stuck to it all day. You should be clawing at the walls to put your word down, telling us and the nic bitch that you are not owned. That's where the power is brother. Right there. If you believe in that reality, you are quit.
Want to inspire confidence in your approach and secure peace of mind for yourself? See Dante's Introduction (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=4763&hl=). That right there is how its done. That's a guy doing everything he can to quit. I don't know Dante. I have never spoken to him. I have never chatted with him(that I recall). I don't think he has my number. If he called out of the blue and said "Its Dante" that man has my attention. His quit would become my priority because I'm convinced he's giving it his best.
Dante - sorry to point the spot light at you if unwanted. I just like the way you quit.
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To have so much controversy over something like this makes me seriously question both the power dynamic of an organisation like this insofar that it is determined that a strict set of rules is to be followed. If said rules are not followed, that person shall be scorned until they either leave or acquiesce to the bidding of the public therein.
...
Am I wrong here? Please tell me I am.
You're right. And wrong. The vitriol you were subjected to is not merely because you said "I might not be able to post roll because...." It's because you already caved once before - the previous weekend - and very early on in your quit. You were 3 days on... caved... then came back and expected, after day 7, that it would be OK to take a break. And I get that you weren't looking for a hall pass, so don't attack me on that. For us, it seemed clear that you didn't appreciate the importance and value of posting roll EVERY day.
I haven't been here long enough to know all of the subtle nuances of the site. But I would submit that if you had been on day 10, posting every day from day one without having a cave on your resume, and disappeared for the weekend... well... you probably wouldn't have gotten killed the way you did. It would have been noticed... but you probably wouldn't have gotten killed.
It's all a matter of perspective. From your perspective, it's your life and you can do whatever the hell you want - post roll, don't post roll, it's up to you. You might even feel it's not important. And that's your perspective and this is your quit so that's what really matters.
From our perspective, once you came to this site and said you were quit... once you came back to this site after you caved and promised you wouldn't do it again... you were someone who needed perhaps more attention than some of your other November quit brothers and sisters. You caved once before, you were showing signs of another cave coming on very quickly, and we - in our horseshit and testosterone driven way - tried to save you from that cave. Perhaps we were wrong. Perhaps you were. It doesn're REALLY matter at this point.
Somehow you manageed to post roll on saturday. And on Sunday. And today. So.... I guess the ends justifies the means in this situation?
I'm proud to be quit with you Radar.
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Going through a rough time. To those of you whom I lashed out at, I'm sorry.
This has been, quite possibly, the most bittersweet month in my entire life.
I'm back here, trying to make sense of everything, and hoping that this site can remain the only constant in my life for right now (apart from work, the mindless drudgery that it is...)
Thanks for supporting me.
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Going through a rough time. To those of you whom I lashed out at, I'm sorry.
This has been, quite possibly, the most bittersweet month in my entire life.
I'm back here, trying to make sense of everything, and hoping that this site can remain the only constant in my life for right now (apart from work, the mindless drudgery that it is...)
Thanks for supporting me.
I'm with you Radar. Apology accepted. The Bitch sometimes causes us to act out of character by saying and doing shit we regret. That is how being an addict is at times. Just post roll, take it day by day and keep your word, as I will do to you.
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Going through a rough time. To those of you whom I lashed out at, I'm sorry.
This has been, quite possibly, the most bittersweet month in my entire life.
I'm back here, trying to make sense of everything, and hoping that this site can remain the only constant in my life for right now (apart from work, the mindless drudgery that it is...)
Thanks for supporting me.
I'm with you Radar. Apology accepted. The Bitch sometimes causes us to act out of character by saying and doing shit we regret. That is how being an addict is at times. Just post roll, take it day by day and keep your word, as I will do to you.
I'm with you too.
You are indeed correct. No matter what life throws your way....if you hold true to KTC and what we do...every person here will hold true to you...willing to walk with you through whatever situation you encounter.
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Going through a rough time. To those of you whom I lashed out at, I'm sorry.
This has been, quite possibly, the most bittersweet month in my entire life.
I'm back here, trying to make sense of everything, and hoping that this site can remain the only constant in my life for right now (apart from work, the mindless drudgery that it is...)
Thanks for supporting me.
I'm with you Radar. Apology accepted. The Bitch sometimes causes us to act out of character by saying and doing shit we regret. That is how being an addict is at times. Just post roll, take it day by day and keep your word, as I will do to you.
I'm with you too.
You are indeed correct. No matter what life throws your way....if you hold true to KTC and what we do...every person here will hold true to you...willing to walk with you through whatever situation you encounter.
Plenty of folks to support quitters in here Radar. Hang tough brother. You should give yourself a pat on the back for doing this. Keep it up.
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Going through a rough time. To those of you whom I lashed out at, I'm sorry.
This has been, quite possibly, the most bittersweet month in my entire life.
I'm back here, trying to make sense of everything, and hoping that this site can remain the only constant in my life for right now (apart from work, the mindless drudgery that it is...)
Thanks for supporting me.
I'm with you Radar. Apology accepted. The Bitch sometimes causes us to act out of character by saying and doing shit we regret. That is how being an addict is at times. Just post roll, take it day by day and keep your word, as I will do to you.
I'm with you too.
You are indeed correct. No matter what life throws your way....if you hold true to KTC and what we do...every person here will hold true to you...willing to walk with you through whatever situation you encounter.
No worries, radar. If you can't no nuclear on your KTC brothers and sisters, who else is there. As long as you post roll and keep your word, you're good in my book.
If you need an anonymous ear, feel free to pm. Don't worry, I'm a terrible listener with a bad memory. I coulda been a priest 'cept I like the fairer sex.