KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: Electdale on July 18, 2016, 07:22:00 PM
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Short and sweet because I'm at a cross roads between nic withdrawl and mental incapacitation.... Welcome to my last Day #3 EVER.
2-4 x cans per week/ 14 years. Tried taking a break, tried controlling the beast, tried to change sides, tried to tell myself over and over it didn't matter, it didn't effect anyone but me and me alone.
My name is Eric and I can remember the first dip I ever took. I remember the dizzy feeling, the rush of the buzz, the warm blanket that seemed to do just the trick every time. That was 14 years ago.
However, I can also remember the countless fights with my wife. The lies to friends, family and myself....I remember all of it!
This beast has controlled me and the life of others around me for to long. I know it and they know it. Today I make the pledge to quit for ME and my well being first and foremost. I hope that I am strong, strong enough to kick this MF beast in the arse once and for all. Im tired of the monkey on my back and I want to leave the zoo.
I vow to post roll call and take each passing second/minute without the grip of dip in my life. Although I can't see it right now those seconds/minutes will eventually turn to hours and hours into days.
DONE! I AM DONE DAMN IT
Last Day #3 EVER
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I see you've already posted roll, that's awesome Electdale. Welcome to the group. We've got a really good bunch of folks here that will help support you in your quit. Post your promise every day and early in the day. It's a promise to the group not to use, not a report on how you did for the day. Exchange numbers with the guys in your group and get to know people. Posting your promise to a bunch of funny looking avatars and weird user names won't give you much incentive to keep your promise.
I know how you feel about being sick and tired of being controlled by this thing. It's no longer that dizzy high you had years ago when you 1st experimented with it but a slavery to trying to quench the withdrawal every couple of hours.
Congrats on your decision to change your life. You can do this.
Proud to be quit with you today!
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Damn brother I wish you had Soot's phone number. I'd ask you to call him and explain the significance of the daily roll post, cause if your intro is any indication, you have GOT it. Welcome!
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Welcome Eric. Glad to see you made it on roll bud. I have to kindly remind you to never forget what these last 3 days have felt like. Keep that feeling near and dear so you never forget it and never decide to ever do it again. Notice I said decide? A cave is not an accident. It is a decision. I made one once my self. I decided ah fuck it and caved. No excuses, I just said fuck it. And in the process, shafted my brothers of quit.
There are all kinds of valuable tools available on this site to use. Gather phone numbers, build that friend network, posst in other groups too. Don't confine your self to just one group. You are more than welcome to post in newbie groups and old timers groups. Just keep that promise if you post.
There are about 25000 of us behind you if you ever need it Eric. lean on us when ever bud.
Take care and look forward to seeing you on roll.
Ray
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Welcome to my last day #4 EVER! Last night was rough and woke up several times in complete night sweat mode. I thought the vivid dreams were just here and there but DANG that was crazy last night.
It's day #4 and before I get out of bed today I am posting to curb that first AM crave...Hmmm the joys of withdrawl are firm within my grasp as the nic has technically already passed my body.
Lets see what tricks the mind plays today as it grasps for new and exotic ways to bring me to my knees. I can feel the fog setting in already and know its gonna be tough mentaly today....its all in the mind and I can control it for the most part...when I cant you will see me on chat.
Last Day #4 EVER!
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One day at a time. Anyone can quit for a day. You can do this. Just quit for today.
You hope you are strong enough to do this. I have news for you, you aren't. But WE are strong enough to do this! This is what it takes: Posting roll, forming bonds with other quitters, banding together, because not a single one of us can do this alone. Welcome!
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Welcome to my last day #4 EVER! Last night was rough and woke up several times in complete night sweat mode. I thought the vivid dreams were just here and there but DANG that was crazy last night.
It's day #4 and before I get out of bed today I am posting to curb that first AM crave...Hmmm the joys of withdrawl are firm within my grasp as the nic has technically already passed my body.
Lets see what tricks the mind plays today as it grasps for new and exotic ways to bring me to my knees. I can feel the fog setting in already and know its gonna be tough mentaly today....its all in the mind and I can control it for the most part...when I cant you will see me on chat.
Last Day #4 EVER!
ah yes - so glad to be through the worst of that shit. watch out for those mind games brother. I was such a mess that I was driving erratic and just wanted to scream out at anything or anyone. Just know that this shit will pass. you'll come out the other side a new man! hang in man and don't be afraid to reach out to any of us for help.
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Welcome to my last Day #5 EVER!. Exhausted today as I havent slept real well over the past 4. When I do get to sleep im exhausted. Between dreams and these damn night sweats its not very peaceful. Its 4:30 am my time and I already need a nap...or to go to bed.
Stay mentally tough today as the mind and body ate trying to wear me down.
Working on my withdrawl notes and reading them...So I never foget this anguish Im in now.
Last Day #5 EVER
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Welcome Eric.
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Welcome to my last Day #6 Ever. Finally slept for a solid 4-5 hours last night (first in 5 full nights). Yesterday was a BITc* for some reason ALL dang day. Made it through with the guys here on chat and some at work so thank you to all!
Fog has lifted a slight bit today and Im excited to see what I can push through today. Been pretty useless at work the last 4 + days...Very strange as I know and can do my job at a very high level. I can see the problem and know the solution right off hand. Problem is that I can not get from problem to solution without loosing track of my wondering mind. The Fog is thick in here but I didn't get my first crave until 8:45AM which is almost 4 hours from the time I wake in AM. Two days ago that was a laughable statement so there is progress on my bodies part.
I didn't rage at anyone yesterday but defiantly fought the urge several times. Ran 3.5 miles before work and another 5 miles last night to keep the monster at bay. I don't run so that should tell you that I have a fn huge gorilla that I'm trying to get away from.
Today my goal is to get to Tomorrow.
Last Day #6 EVER
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Love how you are tracking your days by posting daily. This will be real handy come HoF time or just when ever you want to reflect on where you were and where you are at that certain point in time.
Keep at it man! 'oh yeah'
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Last Day #7 EVER. Wake up this morning, post roll and reflect that today is Day 7. I will never live again in the pain and discomfort of withdrawl day 1-7 again. Fairly certain day 1-3 and Day 5 were the worst of it for me thus far.
Yesterday the craves came on suddenly (usually around stress). Walked into a store and the line was really long and for some reason my mind said "You cant handle this wait without a dip". Subsequently, I walked out as it was a bit much...It wasnt like I had a dip to take but that scenario is not what I needed, felt it and changed course. Came back an hr later, no line and no urge to dip or kill?. Less overall craves day 6 but they came on much more quickly like a tidal wave. Took a few min each time but they past...read/post/repeat until the urge is gone.
Zero chance I make it 7 days without writing on this forum. Reading my notes day 1-6 and a promise to OCT group has got me through thus far. Thank you all here and in chat that seem to do the trick during a crave. Thank you for holding me accountable to others!
Last Day 7 EVER
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Last Day #7 EVER. Wake up this morning, post roll and reflect that today is Day 7. I will never live again in the pain and discomfort of withdrawl day 1-7 again. Fairly certain day 1-3 and Day 5 were the worst of it for me thus far.
Yesterday the craves came on suddenly (usually around stress). Walked into a store and the line was really long and for some reason my mind said "You cant handle this wait without a dip". Subsequently, I walked out as it was a bit much...It wasnt like I had a dip to take but that scenario is not what I needed, felt it and changed course. Came back an hr later, no line and no urge to dip or kill?. Less overall craves day 6 but they came on much more quickly like a tidal wave. Took a few min each time but they past...read/post/repeat until the urge is gone.
Zero chance I make it 7 days without writing on this forum. Reading my notes day 1-6 and a promise to OCT group has got me through thus far. Thank you all here and in chat that seem to do the trick during a crave. Thank you for holding me accountable to others!
Last Day 7 EVER
One week of freedom. Seriously - this is a huge milestone man!
You are really smart to document this bs that you have lived courtesy of a chopped up plant in a can! This isn't the new normal. You will soon see life get better, then good, then great, then just beyond what you would ever imagine. What nicotine took from you isn't apparent quite yet- right now your mind is still jacking with you a bit and telling you that you are the one that is losing. Lies! Every day you become a stronger and more confident winner. One day at a time.
Congratulations on breaking free!
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Last Day #8 EVER is upon me... Slept for 11 hours last night and Ill probably go back to sleep here after writting this entry. So very tired from a week of hell. I can feel clarity out of the fog this morning. Just need to play some catch up here. Im not down and out just tired today.
Im taking it easy this weekend and staying close to the family and kids. I know I can draw off of them for strength if needed.
Craves yesterday were long but not as sharp feeling. Wanted to lash out 1 time so making progress. I let the cat out of the bag with the president of our company as we work fairly closely. 14 years I have worked with the man and he had zero idea I had a nic problem.. Ninja at work.!
Anyway I have told anyone and everyone I can so that everyperson I see I must hold myself accountable. There will be no going back...Only forward away from the grip of dip.
My mouth and tongue have healed very nicely which is great. No more nasty breath and I swear my teeth have gone 2 shades lighter thus far. Physically im tired but thats on me for whipping my own ass working out and running ALOT. Mentaly it still is in my mind.. Where is my trigger or is that going to be a trigger or that is a sure fire trigger scenario. Where is my can and feeling for it multiple times per day. These are automatic thoughts and I just have to deal with them 1 at a time as they come.
Today is better than yesterday and we push through to win the day in front of us! Never forget day 1-7 as it sucked so fn badly and remember that I will NEVER go through that again.
Last Day #8 Ever
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Last Day #9 Ever! Slept and relaxed a lot yesterday.. Didnt have much motiviation except give the body what it needed...Sleep.
Only had 3 craves yesterday but curbed it with chat and the family being near.
Feel like Im entering a new phase of mental road blocks and struggles. I am happy of my accomplishment but know there is much more mental work ahead.
Last say #9 Ever
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Last Day #9 Ever! Slept and relaxed a lot yesterday.. Didnt have much motiviation except give the body what it needed...Sleep.
Only had 3 craves yesterday but curbed it with chat and the family being near.
Feel like Im entering a new phase of mental road blocks and struggles. I am happy of my accomplishment but know there is much more mental work ahead.
Last say #9 Ever
Now this is a bad ass quitter! Go on with your bad self. My only comment is this is not the Day 9 of your life. It is day 9 of your new life free from the nic-bitch. Keep it up bad ass!
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Eric the mental part sucks balls. Be a man an kick that bitch in the throat! It may take weeks, months, years to get over the mental struggle but every day you're nic free is worth whatever you endure. Everyone is different in how long what phase of quit is going to affect you. No matter you've got this if YOU Want IT BAD Enough! I quit with you today my friend! Post roll early Edd ODAAT!
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Las Day #10: i had a couple strong craves yesterday but was near the family and the forum so it wasnt to bad.
Still catch myself reaching for or looking for my can. Dealing with the habit side I guess as Im rewiring my mornings, afternoons and evenings without the nic breaks.
Slept a lot this weekend and got caught up from "hell week". ( especially day 1-5). Im in good spirits and actually caught myself enjoying family time and not worrying about "when is this over so I can have a dip".. It is liberating being in the moment and not being ruled by the gorilla.
Win the day and stay quit! I rest knowing that I will never be back at day 1-9. Each day I push myself more and more..In return I get more clarity on how bad it was and how much better I am off without the grip of dip.
Last Quit day #10 EVER
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Last Day #11 EVER: Yesterday and today have had some major habit driven craves. Stuffing my mouth with seeds as I type this. Not sure what the deal is but I have an inclination of why the past two days have gotten worse.
Around day #6 I purchased a mint tin. Its a tin that looks and feels like the real deal. Inside is ground up mint but I added cinnamon as well and works for the strong craves (for me). However, now I find that the habit side of the equation is wanting something in my mouth all the time..... Ill take a raw mouth from sunflower seeds over the grip of dip thank you. Especially after the first 10 days as I am NEVER going back. A bit of pain or discomfort here or there during a crave is nothing compared to the pain and anguish of withdraw those first few days.
Anyway, that's what Im dealing with. Doesn't matter if your on day 0 fighting for that first hour or day 15000.....Win the Day today!
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Last Day #11 EVER: Yesterday and today have had some major habit driven craves. Stuffing my mouth with seeds as I type this. Not sure what the deal is but I have an inclination of why the past two days have gotten worse.
Around day #6 I purchased a mint tin. Its a tin that looks and feels like the real deal. Inside is ground up mint but I added cinnamon as well and works for the strong craves (for me). However, now I find that the habit side of the equation is wanting something in my mouth all the time..... Ill take a raw mouth from sunflower seeds over the grip of dip thank you. Especially after the first 10 days as I am NEVER going back. A bit of pain or discomfort here or there during a crave is nothing compared to the pain and anguish of withdraw those first few days.
Anyway, that's what Im dealing with. Doesn't matter if your on day 0 fighting for that first hour or day 15000.....Win the Day today!
Don't worry about the fake stuff... one day you'll wake up and most likely just be done with it. It won't make your jaw fall off either. If it helps - use it.
You'll never have to relive the last 11 days.
I like your name, by the way... is there any chance you'd consider running for President? Please? PLEASE????
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For a bit of closure I thought that I would post on day 110 for giggles. I fell off the writing in the post horse long ago (90+ days ago).
Symptoms have mostly all past but I still deal with the addiction part everyday. I know that I can never have a "Casual" dip, that's not me or my personality. My mouth has healed but I still battle some tongue issue's to this date. Those revolve or at least hopefully revolve around a jagged tooth that needs attention anyway. Dentist is on the list in very short order so hopefully I can fully move on.
One thing I did not count on even after 100+ days of Quit. The fear and un certainty of oral cancer. Since I quit it has been on the forefront of my mind. I check my mouth at least twice daily for signs of any changes...Almost to the point of ridiculousness. Delusional paranoia I guess.
I hope that so many who are looking for help can find this place. Read the stories and succeed. Even though I didn't make it to the HOF because I fell off the roll call wagon. I can tell you that the people, the stories and the help is real! It worked for me and it can work for you too.
I have and will continue to stay quit for family, friends and most importantly myself.
Fight everyday like it is your last....Because one day, sooner rather than later, it will be.
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For a bit of closure I thought that I would post on day 110 for giggles. I fell off the writing in the post horse long ago (90+ days ago).
Symptoms have mostly all past but I still deal with the addiction part everyday. I know that I can never have a "Casual" dip, that's not me or my personality. My mouth has healed but I still battle some tongue issue's to this date. Those revolve or at least hopefully revolve around a jagged tooth that needs attention anyway. Dentist is on the list in very short order so hopefully I can fully move on.
One thing I did not count on even after 100+ days of Quit. The fear and un certainty of oral cancer. Since I quit it has been on the forefront of my mind. I check my mouth at least twice daily for signs of any changes...Almost to the point of ridiculousness. Delusional paranoia I guess.
I hope that so many who are looking for help can find this place. Read the stories and succeed. Even though I didn't make it to the HOF because I fell off the roll call wagon. I can tell you that the people, the stories and the help is real! It worked for me and it can work for you too.
I have and will continue to stay quit for family, friends and most importantly myself.
Fight everyday like it is your last....Because one day, sooner rather than later, it will be.
Glad you're still quit but...
Status updates are lame.
This place works because we do it together. How hard is it to post roll daily!?! It took you 20x as long to type that li'l update.
You go ahead and keep trying on your own... I hope you stay quit. Me?... I'll be here doing what we all know works.
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Has always amazed me how "posting" becomes a chore. It is literally a 30 second effort. However if you stick around long enough and you may end up liking some of these
lunatics. I will tell you they will get your back whenever that sneaky bitch wants back in your life.
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Here's day 223 lame update. Appreciate the help everyone gave here on the journey. To bad posting success stories are lame? (Unless you came on and posted roll, then its okay). Post roll call to your small group or update a success story that everyone can read?
Im 213 days in and could I have done it without the site? no. Did the site help? yes. Did the site provide a big fn wake up call to this idiot? yes. Did the on-line chat help in those first crucial days/weeks, of course it did. Did helping others feel good...Of course it did as we all have the human spirit in us.
However, just because I didn't post roll doesn't mean I or others can not succeed. You quit for YOU and I'm fairly certain I read that right here on this web page.
Didn't quit for all of these members, I quit for myself first, my family second and my freedom third. Some need to post roll for 100, 1000 or 4000+ days to stay quit and be successful. I respect that and understand it better than most. In my family alone I have had three generations of addicts of some vice or another. Some went to meetings for decades until their deaths and yet some changed their life overnight. I have seen it, lived it and been through it now.
I had a long term, nasty, life draining problem... and choose for myself to change it. Just because I chose to do it my way and it worked doesn't make it a bad thing to come on and share a success story does it?
Sorry for missing roll call
Sorry for wasting your time with posting updates
Sorry
NEVER SORRY for finding this site
NEVER SORRY for quitting
NEVER SORRY for staying Quit
100% NEVER SORRY for taking more time writing this than a post 1 x day for 100, 1000 or 4000+ days.
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Day 781 and still going strong...Make that life change and turn the page to your life. It can be done!
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Well said.
Quitting with you, only i am slightly behind. Day 59!