KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: mattyf118 on September 09, 2013, 08:47:00 AM
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So I ran across this section of the site the morning after my first weekend. Sorry it took me a bit to get this out, but here goes nothing:
My name is Matthew and I live slightly outside of Birmingham, AL. I have been dipping for 8 years now, but was smoking for the 6 years prior to that. Both of my parents, sister, 2 brothers, aunts, uncles, and grandparents all used nicotine, so naturally, when I became the age where first use occurs, it came naturally to me. I picked up and became addicted very quickly at the age of 15. Once in college, I met my now wife who urged me to quit smoking. Well, I had no desire to quit then, so I basically lied to her at every turn. I would smoke when she wasn't around, and when she was gonna be around, I would just throw a dip to get my fix, without having to smell like smoke. Eventually, dipping took over. I could do it pretty much everywhere. I could sit inside during the winter, I could do it at work, in class, her place, my place, wherever. It was easier to hide than cigarettes and I was really starting to like it. Once out of college we were engaged and several times in our relationship from that point forward, she has caught me with dip cans, or seen dip in the car, or smelled it on my breath. It has led to some huge fights, and almost to her walking out on me. Yet, everytime, I would immediately revert right back to the Grizzly as soon as I had a chance. I even had a cancer scare a couple of years ago, to the point where I had a piece of my gum sent for biopsy (luckily came back negative), but one week out I was right back on it. The lies continued for 7 years of our 11 year relationship. Her, constantly thinking I had quit, me constantly using behind her back.
It was time for the lies and deceit to stop. I finally came clean to my wife about all the using I had done, how I was so easily able to overcome smoking, how I never really quit in the first place, how I was able to find hiding spots in all our cars so I was never too far away from a dip, how I was able to purchase dip without it showing up on the bank statements.. She was hurt at first, but was willing to put that all behind her and help me develop a plan of action. It was actually her that turned me onto this site in the first place. So here I am, at the beginning of day 4. Mind in state of fog, head aching, fuse short, but clean. For the first time in 15 years, I'm winning...
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It was time for the lies and deceit to stop.
Yes it is.
Quit on bro. Post that roll and start getting to know some of us here. This thing really works of you want it and allow it into your life.
PM for my number and we will get busy with this thing together.
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Now is the best time to quit! Read everything on this site and own your quit. Get involved here and smack the poison weed down.
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make sure you include her in this quit bring her here let her see what we are about. show her the spouses section.
Make sure you post roll. roll is the single most important thing we do here. you promise to not use nicotine for today only. wake up tomorrow and repeat.
you have my number text what have you use it if you need help. Also stick close to the site and get lots of numbers. read read read go read HOF speeches you are not different from anyone one out here. You are an addict just like us.
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If you read through the other intro's you may see some of my same words on them but they always hold true so I will just repeat them...
You are in for one nasty fight but you have the tools here to make it.
Read everything on here, post roll call each morning and don't dip. Wow....that sounds so easy, doesn't it?
Go load yourself up with gum, mints, fake chew, seeds and beef jerky. Also get some member phone numbers right now, they will help you through the rough parts.
Next, exercise to exhaustion every single day and drink so much water that you feel like you may bust. Both of these will help.
Make sure your wife reads about what you are going through. 99% chance that you are going to be a short fussed dick for the next 3-4 weeks. Try not to take it out on her and the kids. Get on here and take it out on us, we will be fine.
Protect your quit right now which means to be selfish and make it the number one priority. Your head will be screwed up for awhile but you will make it.
I quit with you.
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So here I am, at the beginning of day 4. Mind in state of fog, head aching, fuse short, but clean. For the first time in 15 years, I'm winning...
Great work, Matty. It's about time you've woken up and realized that Big Tobacco's products aren't worth risking it all.
You're right smack in the middle of The Suck. Embrace it: it means that you are indeed winning. Days 4, 5 , and 6 were the absolute toughest for me. Keep your guard up for lies that you who will no doubt tell yourself: that "just one" is okay, that you've earned it, or that maybe NOW is a bad time to quit.
Just focus on getting through Day 4 nic free and do WHATEVER it takes to accomplish it.
+1 with you. You got this!
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Like paradigm said...a lot of us have been in your shoes. Almost word for word in my case. Do everything you can to stay clean. There is no luck, there is no try. There is only buckle down, nut up and DO!
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Wow Matty...you are a dirtbag. I like you already! We addicts are all the same...full of deceit. We lie to those who love us the most. We're so good at lying, we can actually fool ourselves...for example, I used to consider myself a "light dipper" whatever the F that is?!! Imagine that...I used tobacco for more than 20 years, but I was just a "light" user!!!
But here's the good news....you can control it. I didn't want to admit the extent of my lying. But as soon as I realized what a turdbag I was, I developed a healthy anger towards tobacco and the selfish fuckhead I was. I threw my embarrassment, self-contempt and anger at tobacco on top of the pile of reasons I already had to quit. I realized how much of a better person/father/husband I could be. No more lying to my wife and kids about some bullshit "errand" I had to run at 10:00 at night. No more acting like an idiot wondering if I got rid of my spitter whenever she got near my car. Just no more carrying the burden of all that bullshit in my life.
You're in the fog now...embrace it!!! You GET to feel this crappy because YOU made a great choice. Explore how different you feel. Notice the fact that you no longer keep a stash in your home/car. Notice that you no longer keep an empty cup/can to spit in...you car isn't covered with little ant turds...you don't have to pat yourself down like an NSA agent administering a selfie.
You're free and you can stay free. POST ROLL and READ! You got this, brother!
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Welcome Matty, remember how bad the last four days have been, remember how hard the next few weeks will be, it has helped me stay quit, I never want to go through it again!!
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You are winning! 4 days of freedom is pretty darn good man! Focus on this one day at a time. That is how it is done. Post ROLL early and stay poison free for the day. You can do this. Glad to be quit with you today!
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I didn't want to admit the extent of my lying. But as soon as I realized what a turdbag I was, I developed a healthy anger towards tobacco and the selfish fuckhead I was. I threw my embarrassment, self-contempt and anger at tobacco on top of the pile of reasons I already had to quit. I realized how much of a better person/father/husband I could be. No more lying to my wife and kids about some bullshit "errand" I had to run at 10:00 at night. No more acting like an idiot wondering if I got rid of my spitter whenever she got near my car. Just no more carrying the burden of all that bullshit in my life.
You're in the fog now...embrace it!!! You GET to feel this crappy because YOU made a great choice. Explore how different you feel. Notice the fact that you no longer keep a stash in your home/car. Notice that you no longer keep an empty cup/can to spit in...you car isn't covered with little ant turds...you don't have to pat yourself down like an NSA agent administering a selfie.
You're free and you can stay free. POST ROLL and READ! You got this, brother!
Sound familiar, Matty? It sure does for me.
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Welcome Matthew, all the best to you as you start down this road!
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Very common and familiar story.
I lied to my wife's face for 15 years.
One day I got a sore on my lip and had a panic attack thinking it was the big C. I had never had one before, thought I was dieing so I took an ambulance ride to the hospital. Never told my wife, a doctor or even a nurse I chewed while I laid in my hospital bed.
Eventually they checked me out head to toe, said I was fine and sent me home.
First thing I did when I got home...lied to my wife and told her I was going to the gym. I drove around dipping like a fool, splashed a little water on my shirt and head to look like sweat and headed home.
When I got home I felt funny. Scared shitless is more like it and once again thought I was gonna die and went back to the hospital.
Nobody could figure out what the fuck was wrong with me.
FINALLY I came clean to my wife, doctors, and entire family. They were shocked, yet supportive when I told them I was going to quit.
Even though I felt a ton of weight lifted off my shoulders, quitting was really really really really really hard for me. I was a pussy and actually left the site for awhile because I was such a scared bitch.
I never caved though and after about a month I came back, thanks to a guy names Wedgie. 467 days later I'm still quit, but still an addict.
Point of all this...I've walked in your shoes, we all have, and although at times quitting will be very tough, if you REALLY want to quit you can and will. And we will help you along the way.
The road is very bumpy at first but only gets smoother with time.
You can do this!!!
If a pussy like me can do it, anybody can.
Need anything hit me up morning, noon, or night.
Quit on...
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I sent you a PM with my number. You have a lot of great advice below. I would like to add build as much accountability around your quit as possible. Post your word and keep it. It will get so much better soon. I will quit with you as hard as I possibly can minute by minute if that's what it takes Bro. Erussell 134.
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I just want to thank everyone for all the words of encouragement and stories in the last 24 hours. I can't tell you how much it helps to be able to pop on and read about others struggles and difficulties, but I'm sure you already know that.
The one thing that I have found interesting is how many of us were essentially living out the same story. I honestly thought I was the only one who went to such great lengths to hide it form loved ones, and that I was super special for being able to hide it so well.
Funny how that one little drug can control everything in your life to the point where you seem to value it over everything else.
I look back now in my fog induced state, and I can't believe how stupid I was. Glad to be quit with you all today, and thank you once again.
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I just want to thank everyone for all the words of encouragement and stories in the last 24 hours. I can't tell you how much it helps to be able to pop on and read about others struggles and difficulties, but I'm sure you already know that.Â
The one thing that I have found interesting is how many of us were essentially living out the same story. I honestly thought I was the only one who went to such great lengths to hide it form loved ones, and that I was super special for being able to hide it so well.Â
Funny how that one little drug can control everything in your life to the point where you seem to value it over everything else.Â
I look back now in my fog induced state, and I can't believe how stupid I was. Glad to be quit with you all today, and thank you once again.
Great job matty. Yea,, I read through my intro not to long ago,,, It sounded like a old love letter. Stay quit brother,, you will like what's coming... Glad to be quit with you.
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Keep it up Matty. We can do this thing together.
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This too shall pass. Keep it up just know you are quit for today.
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I just want to thank everyone for all the words of encouragement and stories in the last 24 hours. I can't tell you how much it helps to be able to pop on and read about others struggles and difficulties, but I'm sure you already know that.Â
The one thing that I have found interesting is how many of us were essentially living out the same story. I honestly thought I was the only one who went to such great lengths to hide it form loved ones, and that I was super special for being able to hide it so well.Â
Funny how that one little drug can control everything in your life to the point where you seem to value it over everything else.Â
I look back now in my fog induced state, and I can't believe how stupid I was. Glad to be quit with you all today, and thank you once again.
Great job matty. Yea,, I read through my intro not to long ago,,, It sounded like a old love letter. Stay quit brother,, you will like what's coming... Glad to be quit with you.
It truely is amazing how well we do know each other as addicts. Almost all of us went through a period where we were down about how damn stupid we were as well. Dude, it took me 38 years to decide to quit! How stupid and twisted is that?
But we all do get passed it. You can't change the past, but you damn sure can make things happen today. Focus on today, build your quit a little bigger each day...
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7 days good job bro!!! I know the crave bitch hits hard sometimes...fight the fight and give her the fuk'n middle finger!!!! PM me if you need anything...we'll quit together ODAAT! 'FU' 'Finger'
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28 days now, four full weeks. I haven't been this long without nicotine since before I started using. I am still pounding sunflower seeds constantly and Smokey Mountain when the craves are at their worst (which, I am happy to report are becoming less and less frequent).
Got really, really angry at my boss today. Wanted to rip his head off and shit down his neck. But surprisingly, never wanted a dip to calm me down.
Turns out I'm still a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole. But at least I'm a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole without nicotine.
Progress is progress.
Mattyf
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28 days now, four full weeks. I haven't been this long without nicotine since before I started using. I am still pounding sunflower seeds constantly and Smokey Mountain when the craves are at their worst (which, I am happy to report are becoming less and less frequent).
Got really, really angry at my boss today. Wanted to rip his head off and shit down his neck. But surprisingly, never wanted a dip to calm me down.
Turns out I'm still a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole. But at least I'm a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole without nicotine.
Progress is progress.
Mattyf
You are doing it man. Keep reading on here. I went sunflower seed crazy for a while, then, one day, I didn't care. Haven't picked them up since. (Though, I keep them around just in case) My guess is that it is just needing to rewire your brain to realize that sticking stuff in your mouth won't give you nicotine. It can take a while, but should pass. Don't sweat it, you are marching through this.
As for being irritable and such, if that is who you are, it ain't gonna change, but I had a serious case of grouch about a month in.
Do your best to keep it away from your loved ones, and try not to get yourself fired. Other than that,
Keep on keeping on brother.
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28 days now, four full weeks. I haven't been this long without nicotine since before I started using. I am still pounding sunflower seeds constantly and Smokey Mountain when the craves are at their worst (which, I am happy to report are becoming less and less frequent).Â
Got really, really angry at my boss today. Wanted to rip his head off and shit down his neck. But surprisingly, never wanted a dip to calm me down.Â
Turns out I'm still a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole. But at least I'm a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole without nicotine.Â
Progress is progress.
Mattyf
You are doing it man. Keep reading on here. I went sunflower seed crazy for a while, then, one day, I didn't care. Haven't picked them up since. (Though, I keep them around just in case) My guess is that it is just needing to rewire your brain to realize that sticking stuff in your mouth won't give you nicotine. It can take a while, but should pass. Don't sweat it, you are marching through this.
As for being irritable and such, if that is who you are, it ain't gonna change, but I had a serious case of grouch about a month in.
Do your best to keep it away from your loved ones, and try not to get yourself fired. Other than that,
Keep on keeping on brother.
125 days quit here and I still enjoy sunflower seeds. Keep doing what works. I too found out I was an asshole on or off the nicotine- just something about me that makes me...me.
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28 days now, four full weeks. I haven't been this long without nicotine since before I started using. I am still pounding sunflower seeds constantly and Smokey Mountain when the craves are at their worst (which, I am happy to report are becoming less and less frequent).
Got really, really angry at my boss today. Wanted to rip his head off and shit down his neck. But surprisingly, never wanted a dip to calm me down.
Turns out I'm still a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole. But at least I'm a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole without nicotine.
Progress is progress.
Mattyf
Keep up the good work! Glad to be quit with you and glad we are in the same quit group.
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28 days now, four full weeks. I haven't been this long without nicotine since before I started using. I am still pounding sunflower seeds constantly and Smokey Mountain when the craves are at their worst (which, I am happy to report are becoming less and less frequent).Â
Got really, really angry at my boss today. Wanted to rip his head off and shit down his neck. But surprisingly, never wanted a dip to calm me down.Â
Turns out I'm still a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole. But at least I'm a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole without nicotine.Â
Progress is progress.
Mattyf
Keep up the good work! Glad to be quit with you and glad we are in the same quit group.
Holy smokes Mattyf seems like you just joined the other day and now look at you day 28 nicotine free and still an asshole who knew it could be done nicotine free...all kiddin aside very strong work bro...quit with you today.
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28 days now, four full weeks. I haven't been this long without nicotine since before I started using. I am still pounding sunflower seeds constantly and Smokey Mountain when the craves are at their worst (which, I am happy to report are becoming less and less frequent).
Got really, really angry at my boss today. Wanted to rip his head off and shit down his neck. But surprisingly, never wanted a dip to calm me down.
Turns out I'm still a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole. But at least I'm a sarcastic, snarky, pretentious asshole without nicotine.
Progress is progress.
Mattyf
Congrats Matty! 4 weeks is some awesome work! Progress indeed.
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December 14th
Mattyf118
Good morning Cadets! The tracks have taken us to Birmingham, AL to pick upMattyf118. It’s been 100 days since Matty ended his relationship with Grizzly Long Cut Wintergreen and we are damn proud to have this quitter ride the rails with us. He’s got a bottle of Apple Pie Moonshine to share on the holiday ride and made sure to let us know he enjoys all types of inappropriate behavior. Matty’s going to hop into his 2 door black German sports car and take Mrs. Mattyf118 out on a date in celebration of hitting his HOF. When Matty’s not out fishing, he does make time for some government desk work (“Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too.”)
Our newest HOF’er told us that OIB always has the best avatars and he’s headed on the march to 200. Early in his quit, Matty was ready to breakdown but a check in text from Trauma motivated this super soldier of quit to march through the fog. Matty’s taken the brotherhood and accountability of KTC to the next level, meeting up with Dauthman several times, stating “it’s nice to know you’ve got a brother within driving distance to kick your ass!’” Congratulations Matty, you are truly earning your stripes as a first class quitter, welcome to the train!
just wanted to put this here for safe keeping. Working on my HOF speech now, but wanted to give a sitewide thank you to everyone at KTC for giving me the strength to take my life back.
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December 14th
Mattyf118
Good morning Cadets! The tracks have taken us to Birmingham, AL to pick upMattyf118. It’s been 100 days since Matty ended his relationship with Grizzly Long Cut Wintergreen and we are damn proud to have this quitter ride the rails with us. He’s got a bottle of Apple Pie Moonshine to share on the holiday ride and made sure to let us know he enjoys all types of inappropriate behavior. Matty’s going to hop into his 2 door black German sports car and take Mrs. Mattyf118 out on a date in celebration of hitting his HOF. When Matty’s not out fishing, he does make time for some government desk work (“Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too.”)
Our newest HOF’er told us that OIB always has the best avatars and he’s headed on the march to 200. Early in his quit, Matty was ready to breakdown but a check in text from Trauma motivated this super soldier of quit to march through the fog. Matty’s taken the brotherhood and accountability of KTC to the next level, meeting up with Dauthman several times, stating “it’s nice to know you’ve got a brother within driving distance to kick your ass!’” Congratulations Matty, you are truly earning your stripes as a first class quitter, welcome to the train!
just wanted to put this here for safe keeping. Working on my HOF speech now, but wanted to give a sitewide thank you to everyone at KTC for giving me the strength to take my life back.
Hey man Congrats on your HOF
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December 14th
Mattyf118
Good morning Cadets! The tracks have taken us to Birmingham, AL to pick upMattyf118. It’s been 100 days since Matty ended his relationship with Grizzly Long Cut Wintergreen and we are damn proud to have this quitter ride the rails with us. He’s got a bottle of Apple Pie Moonshine to share on the holiday ride and made sure to let us know he enjoys all types of inappropriate behavior. Matty’s going to hop into his 2 door black German sports car and take Mrs. Mattyf118 out on a date in celebration of hitting his HOF. When Matty’s not out fishing, he does make time for some government desk work (“Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too.”)
Our newest HOF’er told us that OIB always has the best avatars and he’s headed on the march to 200. Early in his quit, Matty was ready to breakdown but a check in text from Trauma motivated this super soldier of quit to march through the fog. Matty’s taken the brotherhood and accountability of KTC to the next level, meeting up with Dauthman several times, stating “it’s nice to know you’ve got a brother within driving distance to kick your ass!’” Congratulations Matty, you are truly earning your stripes as a first class quitter, welcome to the train!
just wanted to put this here for safe keeping. Working on my HOF speech now, but wanted to give a sitewide thank you to everyone at KTC for giving me the strength to take my life back.
Hey man Congrats on your HOF
Congrats Matty, you made it. I remember talking with you in chat when you first started out. Remember, HOF is a great accomplishment but it is just the begining.
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Congrats MattF! This is a great milestone. Let's keep the quit rolling. See you tomorrow at roll brother!
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Well done! Feel free to sit on the porch and admire your works, but keep your tools sharp. Keep doing what got you here.