KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: bluemtndrifter on April 12, 2011, 02:17:00 PM
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I guess my story is similar to lots, Ive tried quitting unsuccessfully several times, tried patch, chantix, and the nic bitch keeps coming back, Skip time with my wife and kids, just for a dip, lie, cheat and am just an sob for what i let nicotine rob me off...... Im tired of being a piece of shit..... threw my can down last night at work..... so I guess is is Day one of a difficult journey, that from trolling on here i now have discovered has no destination, thats what made me want to join, as soon as you get somewhere quit, or a place or whatever, you can turn around and go back, but if you are forever on the journey a day at a time, there is no turning around...... I appreciate all the help I can get taking this walk one step, one day one craving at a time......
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I guess my story is similar to lots, Ive tried quitting unsuccessfully several times, tried patch, chantix, and the nic bitch keeps coming back, Skip time with my wife and kids, just for a dip, lie, cheat and am just an sob for what i let nicotine rob me off...... Im tired of being a piece of shit..... threw my can down last night at work..... so I guess is is Day one of a difficult journey, that from trolling on here i now have discovered has no destination, thats what made me want to join, as soon as you get somewhere quit, or a place or whatever, you can turn around and go back, but if you are forever on the journey a day at a time, there is no turning around...... I appreciate all the help I can get taking this walk one step, one day one craving at a time......
Not gonna lie. Quitting sucks. I'd imagine dieing of cancer sucks more. I chewed the crap for 30 years and have been quit for 66 days. If i can do this so can you.
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You can count on me for help. PM if I can be of assistance. I am glad you are here.
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I spent all of last night at work reading on here, this approach seems so different than anything i have previously tried...... thanks for the support....
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Welcome.
You can do this.
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The first few days suck. Don't take it out on your family, take it out here.
Start posting roll in the July quit group. They will be your main support. The rest of us are still here for you.
Good luck, and glad to be quit with you.
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Embrace the suck....you only want to go through it all once. Remember it and cherish it. It should be the best worst memory you'll ever have.
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I guess my story is similar to lots, Ive tried quitting unsuccessfully several times, tried patch, chantix, and the nic bitch keeps coming back, Skip time with my wife and kids, just for a dip, lie, cheat and am just an sob for what i let nicotine rob me off...... Im tired of being a piece of shit..... threw my can down last night at work..... so I guess is is Day one of a difficult journey, that from trolling on here i now have discovered has no destination, thats what made me want to join, as soon as you get somewhere quit, or a place or whatever, you can turn around and go back, but if you are forever on the journey a day at a time, there is no turning around...... I appreciate all the help I can get taking this walk one step, one day one craving at a time......
Today I'm on Day 2 and I know how you feel. I didn't sleep at all last night because I'm used to laying on the coach and reading a book at night for about 2 hours with about 3 dips taken throughout the disgusting pattern. Of course, my wife is in our king bed all by herself because of my dip habit. She's still with me after everything I put her through, including a bad drinking habit as well.
So, I'll try not to feel too sorry for myself. My face is buzzing. You know, that feeling that can only be relieved by a dip? I feel like my body is screaming for a dip. Then when I think about it, it's really not that bad. I know that tomorrow will be better, well, maybe a little better. In the meantime, my addiction is hitting me hard.
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Today I'm on Day 2 and I know how you feel. I didn't sleep at all last night because I'm used to laying on the coach and reading a book at night for about 2 hours with about 3 dips taken throughout the disgusting pattern. Of course, my wife is in our king bed all by herself because of my dip habit. She's still with me after everything I put her through, including a bad drinking habit as well.
So, I'll try not to feel too sorry for myself. My face is buzzing. You know, that feeling that can only be relieved by a dip? I feel like my body is screaming for a dip. Then when I think about it, it's really not that bad. I know that tomorrow will be better, well, maybe a little better. In the meantime, my addiction is hitting me hard.
That sounds so much Like my routiene......... only its of the day time... Tonight should be interesting..... no nic bitch full 10 hour night shift........ but I can beat it.......
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I spent all of last night at work reading on here, this approach seems so different than anything i have previously tried...... thanks for the support....
Welcome Blue,
Agreed on this being different. It does work, between the accountability, knowing what the nic-bitch is going to throw at you next, and quitting with a bunch of people who know just what you are going through. Vets who know what you need to hear and when you need to hear it. The confessions of people who caved teach us how our mind can trick us back into using. I am convinced I would not be this far along (59 days) without the folks here. Glad to be quit with you.
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consider i slept most of the day I made it through it okay..... had a twinge after eating...... now ive just arrived at work..... big trigger. that voice in my head, telling me i need a dip.... setting for wintergreen altoids..... 1 craving at a time right
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Keep her going. one crave at a time...one hour at a time...one day at a time. It is worth it. Freedom is the shit.
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Embrace these craves. Embrace the suck remember it forever. One crave at a time one minute at a time an hour a day. It gets better and better. You can do this. You are going to relearn how to live life. So glad to be quit with you!
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chewing gum..... keeping this website open all nite........ im sick of pretending that im strong, sick of living in a make believe world where nicotine is happines.....
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chewing gum..... keeping this website open all nite........ im sick of pretending that im strong, sick of living in a make believe world where nicotine is happines.....
You said something great there... "Im sick of pretending that im strong"
This is exactly what nicotine addiction entails. Believing you are a bad ass dude but failing to control a piece of weed.
You will be strong when you finally control this weed. It is not as hard as it seems. Just post roll every day and be quit!
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1:30 am right after lunch....... ugggghhhhh..... mind is foggy.... only thought that keeps running through my head is copenhagen. cheeks and gums tingling, this sucks........
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dizzy foggy, face still tingling....... feel like im a lil drunk...... cant focus.... no dip though..... waitin for this night of hell to end......
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chewing gum..... keeping this website open all nite........ im sick of pretending that im strong, sick of living in a make believe world where nicotine is happines.....
quit one day, didn't even have a cigar last night (seeing as how that would be nicotine too...) so far so good. I will not use nicotine today. My second day in a row. If I keep this up I can continue to say I do not chew!
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dizzy foggy, face still tingling....... feel like im a lil drunk...... cant focus.... no dip though..... waitin for this night of hell to end......
Remember just how bad this sucks. All of us have been thru this and we know. Bottom line is your body is telling you just how badly you have abused it with nicotine. You have screwed up your brain with this poison. It does get better, trust me it does.
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dizzy foggy, face still tingling....... feel like im a lil drunk...... cant focus.... no dip though..... waitin for this night of hell to end......
Remember just how bad this sucks. All of us have been thru this and we know. Bottom line is your body is telling you just how badly you have abused it with nicotine. You have screwed up your brain with this poison. It does get better, trust me it does.
Chaos it correct.
Also, I see you mentioned cigars and noted that the have nicotine. Just to clarify. No cigars. Not allowed. PM me if I can help. You can do this.
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dizzy foggy, face still tingling....... feel like im a lil drunk...... cant focus.... no dip though..... waitin for this night of hell to end......
Remember just how bad this sucks. All of us have been thru this and we know. Bottom line is your body is telling you just how badly you have abused it with nicotine. You have screwed up your brain with this poison. It does get better, trust me it does.
Chaos it correct.
Also, I see you mentioned cigars and noted that the have nicotine. Just to clarify. No cigars. Not allowed. PM me if I can help. You can do this.
As bad as it sucked I lived through it...... made it home to sleep and now up again for another day......
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quick question does anyone else on here work nights?
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quick question does anyone else on here work nights?
I realize it's not quite the same, but due to my commute work schedule, I get up at 3am to go to the gym so I'm on the freeways before 6am. This is going to sound stupid and I haven't posted this in other threads, but since I went cold turkey, including no fake/minty snuff I rarely chew gum or eat seeds. My jaw was killing me the first two days of quit gnashing on the gum. So the 'stupid' / weird thing I've been doing occassionally to get through 9+ hours locked in a skyscraper is that I've been chewing on paper towel pieces. I tear off a strip of thick, white, unprinted paper towel...fold/roll it the size of a "Bandit" and chew on that for a few minutes and spit it out. For me, I still have something of familiar size in my mouth, it's not as plyable as gum and it's nearly free. It took my wife a week to figure out why the paper towel roll in our kitchen was riped to shreads.
Do whatever works for you. I'm up nearly 18-19 hours a day Monday through Friday so the paper thing works for me. I'm in an office where seeds would be too messy. The paper towel thing looks like I'm just chewing gum because it's white.
Stay strong.
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quick question does anyone else on here work nights?
No night work for me - I'll bet that is real tough - my night work now is trying to sleep - are you resting ok during the day? Man I am up and down with sweats and freezing all night long past two day - lots of gas - weird dreams - lotsa fun - but should be better tonight.
What is your plan tonight - it is gonna be grueling at work - keep the site open and call me if you need me -
PMd my number
Corn
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quick question does anyone else on here work nights?
No night work for me - I'll bet that is real tough - my night work now is trying to sleep - are you resting ok during the day? Man I am up and down with sweats and freezing all night long past two day - lots of gas - weird dreams - lotsa fun - but should be better tonight.
What is your plan tonight - it is gonna be grueling at work - keep the site open and call me if you need me -
PMd my number
Corn
safe thing about nights, its saves the family from feeling the rage and seeing the fog......... they get long though.... as far as resting. sleeping as about as well as you do working 3rd shift..... go from freezing to sweating, gas, stomach cramps..... but the past day and what ever it is no matter how bad have been free
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The past few days, ive read alot on this site, about quitting, pain, suffering, cancer.. about pride, triumph, joy.. .. .the struggle with the nic bitch.
well its just after midnight, im about to go nuts... and ive gotta do something anything to kill the thoughts in my head.
I guess to get to where Im goin free of the nic bitch, i gotta figure out where im startin at, and to do that guess i gotta see how i got here and where ive been.
For starters i was born and raised, still live in a small town nestled in the blue ridge mtns of north carolina. I would dare say more locals used tobacco here than didnt, we grew it, daddy chews, older brother dips, grandpa and granny both dipped dental snuff. Hell most of the drinking glasses in the house were and still are old snuff glasses. Not trying to make excuses here, just painting the picture that tobacco was an acceptable way of life.
I guess i took my first dip of snuff when i was in 6th grade, brother gave me a dip of copenhagen, puked my guts out in the front yard and asked for another, if him and his buddies could do it I could I thought. Tried again and same result, I guess this should have showed me something, I never learned!
After the front yard adventure I never really touched the stuff again til my freshman year of high school, me and all my buddies got hooked.... KODIAK, goin bear huntin is what we called it. Well we caught that bear or it caught us, all of us have been bitten, at least a little with either cavities, acid reflux from not spitting, high blood pressure, luckily it hasnt killed any of us yet. Some of us have already managed to escape its grasp, some like me are fighting that fight now and some are still in denial about being held.
Now for 17 years I have been in the grasp of this beast. Always lying to my self or my loved ones.... Im gonna quit tomorrow, Or mom, I promise I will quit. or I am trying, she would say try harder. Which i honestly did try several times, never because I was an addict, and I needed help, but because it was expensive, or to get mom, my dentist or a girlfriend to stop badgering me.
Now a little over a year ago, I met my wife, for her birthday all she wanted was me to promise I would quit dipping. I said I would. I kept that promise for several months.... I dont know if it was the chemicals released from love or what that enabled me to be that stong for that little bit. But it was a promise i thought i would keep. Then one day I told myself I can have just one pinch, and bummed off of a coworker, so the addicition begins again. I am now a raging idiot, hiding snuff in my car, tool box at work , sneaking out at night to dip, driving the long way home, avoiding taking my stepchildren to town when i go so i could cheat on all of them with my beloved snuff. Til one day I am careless and my wife finds and empty in the car, which i tell her I am sorry I slipped, I wont do it again, my lies she believes and she is satisifed, all i did was become more resolved to hide my nasty addiciton, or habit better.
That was 6 months ago.....the lies, cheating with a weed, the money stole from my family for my addicition, eating at me...
Thats who I was, a cheating liar, thief, addict .....
For the past three days ive been a raving nut, unable to focus, feeling miserable craving the snuff I threw away, but also in those 3 days ive been the man i promised my wife, my mother, my stepdaughters, and myself i would be, and its making what ever pain im going through worth it..... still the addict, probably will forever be, but that doesnt mean i have to give in
who i want to be.... well i want to be the good son, husband, father... friend, i want to do it all without a dip in my mouth, i want to be free of being chained to a can, i want to help others here......I know its a long road one day at a time, one craving at a time, one commitment at a time.... but i wanna look in the mirror and be a man of my word.
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blue,
one of the best introductions I've read. Sounds like you got your head on straight. You are on your way to some fantastic days, water's gonna be choppy on the way there, but it's right around the corner. Let's you and I quit, one day at a time.
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nice to have you here.
go post roll in your group. one day at a time brother.
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blue,
one of the best introductions I've read. Sounds like you got your head on straight. You are on your way to some fantastic days, water's gonna be choppy on the way there, but it's right around the corner. Let's you and I quit, one day at a time.
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thanks...... wrote my actual introduction 3 days ago, been posting roll call........ night shift gets a bit lonely, and about anyone i could talk to at work are still dippers..... just had to get those thoughts out last night... keep the site open all nite at work... as a reminder... i would say to keep me sane but ive never been that way so why start now
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who i want to be.... well i want to be the good son, husband, father... friend, i want to do it all without a dip in my mouth, i want to be free of being chained to a can, i want to help others here......I know its a long road one day at a time, one craving at a time, one commitment at a time.... but i wanna look in the mirror and be a man of my word.
Blue - you are on your way - thanks for your transparency - I will join you striving to be a man of honor and integrity - It's time!
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Blue our stories are so very similar. Tobacco was in my family with parents, grandparents, brother, although it was smoking for everyone except me and my bro. I gained control of my life 73 days ago and it sounds like you just got fed up like I did. Congrats on being here brother. I'll quit with you every day...
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Hey Blue,
I really connected with your intro. That piece of truth, which could have come from nowhere but your heart, needs to be the cornerstone of your Quit. Print that sucker off and stick it in your wallet and in times of frustration and pure brain scramble, you can lean on YOUR words that YOU wrote when you saw clearly. You know what you want and you are clearly well on your way to achieving it brother.
One Question: Does your wife now know that you have failed her and that you didn't keep your promise as she thought? Does she know that you are currently in a nasty struggle with the nic bitch in a fight for your life?
The reason I ask, and I apoligize if you've posted this elsewhere, is that I went through the same lie-stricken route as you and it was pivotal FOR ME that my wife know what I was going through and that THIS Quit was different than any previous "quit". I showed her the site, She thought it was wierd at first. I expected that. But now, 331 Days Free, she doesn't think it's too silly :)
Just some food for thought. It wasn't easy telling my wife for the ---th time that I had failed her, and had been lying to her. She cried, got angry, and she was well within her right to do so. I had to see this. I had to see what I was doing to my family. It sucked for a day or two but ultimately it strengthened my Quit to a higher level.
Take care.
Cancrusher
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Bluemtndrifter-I'm on day one right now and I'm feeling that fog pretty heavy. I'm staying on this site right now to make it through today.
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Big weekend, gents. This was the most difficult time for me early on...all of the triggers (outdoors, grilling, mowing the grass, etc). Stay on this site. Fight craves with all of your mind, body and sole.
Post roll, stay quit and live free!!!
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I will Post Roll tomorrow and I'll be hanging around this site as much as I have to to stay quit. Thanks for the head's-up Bean. This will be my first dip free weekend in thirty years. TMP
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I will Post Roll tomorrow and I'll be hanging around this site as much as I have to to stay quit. Thanks for the head's-up Bean. This will be my first dip free weekend in thirty years. TMP
Hang in there. I am on day 4 as of tomorrow morning, and I am stayin' quit with ya!
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Right on Dashcapt! I'll be looking for your name in Roll Call. If you need anything, let me know. Staying Quit Today... TMP
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Blue-I have not seen you post Roll Call today. Get in there and post Roll Call and I will stay Quit with you, today. I am on Day 2 and I'm in a fog but I posted Roll Call so today I am Quit. Let me know if I can help. TMP
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Great support fellas. Alot of you are all in the same group and are suffering through this shit together. It seems a little wierd at first but if you stick with this shit you will all become friends and might even schedule a get together some time. Drink lots of water it will help flush the shit out of your systems. Exercise, dip fake, jerk off, do whatever you have to in order to keep that shit out of your face. Keep each other accountable. Keep looking for each other on your roll call. If someone is missing then shoot them an email. Get each others numbers and call to keep them accountable or to prevent a cave. This system is proven and it works. Drink the Kool aid fellas (buy into the program). See ya in the JULY HOF.
MOA and now I will show you my titties
'boob'
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Thanks MOA. Titties are always good! I am doing my Day Two still and right now I just have to get through this hour. I will do this because I posted Roll Call today and today I am Quit. Peace
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Blue-I have not seen you post Roll Call today. Get in there and post Roll Call and I will stay Quit with you, today. I am on Day 2 and I'm in a fog but I posted Roll Call so today I am Quit. Let me know if I can help. TMP
After work yesterday morning didnt get home til 7 pm...... went to the VA hospital with Dad....... and slept really really late today....... still nic free. .....
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Blue, I just noticed you posted Roll Call. Awesome! To me, Roll Call makes all the difference. Just to remind you, I will specifically be looking every day to see when you post Roll Call and I invite you (and anybody else) to check for me and to help hold me accountable. I posted Roll Call very early this morning because I wasn't able to sleep and felt like shit but I posted Roll Call and today I am Quit and I am Quit with you. Peace
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Blue-I hope your dad is ok. We have both posted Roll Call today so another day that we are Quit together. Day 3 for me. Yesterday basically sucked so I think today will be better. Honored to be Quit with you! Peace
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Posting Roll Call is not just a promise to yourself, it's a promise to your quit group those that came before us. Proud to be July '11 with you Blue, you will succeed! I totally agree with Peace, posting roll is the difference maker.
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Boilerbates-Thank you for saying that so well. Posting Roll Call is a promise that can not be broken. It's how I am actually on my Day 3 Quit. Today I posted Roll Call and today I am Quit with my July 2011 Brothers and I am honored to be Quit with all of you! We are in this Quit together. Peace
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I dont know if this is the right place to post this but here goes......
For background information, I have this little habit of when i hear, feel, or sense something i end up with these silly little movies playing in my head.... I amuse myself, but when my wife asks what im thinking and i try to explain she never finds it as amusing as I do.... Perhaps you will perhaps you wont, perhaps this might help you through a craving as thinking about it did me.
When this craving hit a particular scene from the movie The Shining popped into my head, and the result thereof helped keep me away..
I was walking down the hall of an esquisite 5 star hotel, the hall was empty, I was all alone. I see a door ajar, I went to check on it as the hotel is closed for the season.... As I enter the room I see her in the bathroom, her back turned to me. Her outline is a vision of loveliness, just as I have pictured in my dreams over and over...... I start to walk closer, she hears my footsteps, as I enter the bathroom she starts turn around expecting my embrace. As she turns I start to see her face, and my jaw drops open, I see a hideous dead creature, her face rotting away, her teeth rotting her lips falling off. She continues to call for me reaching for me....
I guess were to the part of the story we all face, what do we do, we know what a monster the nic bitch is do we continue to hold it dear, or do we run like hell..... run for the help of our friends..... Its our call...... Im here and posted today again so i made my decision, I hope everyone who reads follows...
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I dont know if this is the right place to post this but here goes......
For background information, I have this little habit of when i hear, feel, or sense something i end up with these silly little movies playing in my head.... I amuse myself, but when my wife asks what im thinking and i try to explain she never finds it as amusing as I do.... Perhaps you will perhaps you wont, perhaps this might help you through a craving as thinking about it did me.
When this craving hit a particular scene from the movie The Shining popped into my head, and the result thereof helped keep me away..
I was walking down the hall of an esquisite 5 star hotel, the hall was empty, I was all alone. I see a door ajar, I went to check on it as the hotel is closed for the season.... As I enter the room I see her in the bathroom, her back turned to me. Her outline is a vision of loveliness, just as I have pictured in my dreams over and over...... I start to walk closer, she hears my footsteps, as I enter the bathroom she starts turn around expecting my embrace. As she turns I start to see her face, and my jaw drops open, I see a hideous dead creature, her face rotting away, her teeth rotting her lips falling off. She continues to call for me reaching for me....
I guess were to the part of the story we all face, what do we do, we know what a monster the nic bitch is do we continue to hold it dear, or do we run like hell..... run for the help of our friends..... Its our call...... Im here and posted today again so i made my decision, I hope everyone who reads follows...
BMD - you are my hero - great words - keep it coming bro -Corn
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Blue-Thank You. I am with you my July 2011 Quit Group Brother. And here's Corn! You guys get me so pumped up being a part of this amazing group of Quitters. Blue, I have had a horrific day full of craves and you have just given me an incredible coping mechanism. Today I posted Roll Call and today I am Quit. Peace
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...her back turned to me. Her outline is a vision of loveliness, just as I have pictured in my dreams over and over......As she turns I start to see her face, and my jaw drops open, I see a hideous dead creature, her face rotting away, her teeth rotting her lips falling off.....
That's an awesome way of putting it! Very theatrical :)
I'll admit, the last few years I've been doing her from behind so I didn't have to look at her! :lol:
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...her back turned to me. Her outline is a vision of loveliness, just as I have pictured in my dreams over and over......As she turns I start to see her face, and my jaw drops open, I see a hideous dead creature, her face rotting away, her teeth rotting her lips falling off.....
That's an awesome way of putting it! Very theatrical :)
I'll admit, the last few years I've been doing her from behind so I didn't have to look at her! :lol:
I think all of us here have.......
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I have dreams about nicotine like this. I also have some recurring ones where the nic bitch shows up as one of my exes....which is scary in itself!
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I can't wait to have dreams again of any kind. I can't sleep long enough to get to a dream state. Hell, at this point I'd welcome nightmares. At least it would mean I'm getting some sleep. I'm in the final stretch of my Day 4 Quit. Peace
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Another Day of Quit. I'm closing out Day 5 with my Bad Ass Brothers of Quit. Peace
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Blue-I'm finally getting some sleep. Day 7 has been the best Day of Quit so far. Peace
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bmd-You out there? Day 13 Quit and it was a good one. We are Quit together. Peace
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bmd-You out there? Day 13 Quit and it was a good one. We are Quit together. Peace
i dream about her. I'm bangin her in the ass with a nail and razor blade dildo. F that nic bitch!
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bmd-You out there? Day 13 Quit and it was a good one. We are Quit together. Peace
i dream about her. I'm bangin her in the ass with a nail and razor blade dildo. F that nic bitch!
sounds like that contraption from the movie se7en.
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bmd-You out there? Day 13 Quit and it was a good one. We are Quit together. Peace
i dream about her. I'm bangin her in the ass with a nail and razor blade dildo. F that nic bitch!
sounds like that contraption from the movie se7en.
http://bostonist.com/2009/09/14/masshol ... parody.php (http://bostonist.com/2009/09/14/masshole_men_mad_men_parody.php)
See 3:27/3:44