KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: Mass0426 on July 06, 2016, 04:44:00 PM
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My world came colliding on July 1st, 2016. That's the day, 6 years of lies came out into the open...On the other end, my beautiful, innocent, shocked wife.
Not going into too many details, (typical guy, right?) I was seeking attention and sexual gratification for 6 years of over my 8 year relationship with woman. She had no clue until the truth came out - that's alot of info for one woman to take. The therapist we saw this past Tuesday called it Compartmentalization.
"Compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.
Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states."
For all these years I had somehow separated my normal life with this fantasy world i had created and somehow continued to justify my actions - a sense of entitlement, a sense of being invisible. There is more therapy to come and apologies for jumping around in this post.
Now I know this is a tobacco website and we are also talking about addictions here - well if it was easy to lie about this fantasy world, of course it was easy to cover up my dipping habits - I had been dipping over 10 years - my last dip was officially June 30th. Yes, so far, cold turkey!
Another addiction was fantasy football and other fantasy sports on various websites - I won here and there, but of course, with an addictive personality, I kept playing and charging the credit card or borrowing money and trying to pay it back - I got so far into debt on my CC I took out a small loan, without my wife knowing, and tried paying off the CC, only to put more back on the card, on top of paying a loan back.
All these lies (addictions) came all out at once - on July 1st, 2016. Put yourself in my wife shoes...how could you take that? how would you react?
I have hurt my best friend and here's the kicker, the worse part that i'm sure all you will definitely think i'm a POS - she's 7 months pregnant. How could I do that to her you ask? I was so consumed in my addictions, my other world, that I just felt i was in control, i could separate them, and live a normal life.
I'm emotionally drained - I don't wish this on anyone. If there is any positives to this story, here it goes: She made me tell my parents - My parents are in the ministry - even though I'm 36 years old, there is no worse feeling than seeing the disappointment on their face when they think you are living the perfect, Godly life - my relationship with God has gotten closer - I've asked for forgiveness and i know the road is long but i know he is my copilot and has to teach me patience through this process - and i'm still under the same roof as my wife - it has to be that little miracle in her stomach that is giving me hope.
Addiction is real, people! I want my family back and i'm willing to do whatever it takes...
I will use this site as my outlet and welcome any feedback, positive or negative, as I 100% own this and I strive to be a better man because of all of this.
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My world came colliding on July 1st, 2016. That's the day, 6 years of lies came out into the open...On the other end, my beautiful, innocent, shocked wife.
Not going into too many details, (typical guy, right?) I was seeking attention and sexual gratification for 6 years of over my 8 year relationship with woman. She had no clue until the truth came out - that's alot of info for one woman to take. The therapist we saw this past Tuesday called it Compartmentalization.
"Compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.
Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states."
For all these years I had somehow separated my normal life with this fantasy world i had created and somehow continued to justify my actions - a sense of entitlement, a sense of being invisible. There is more therapy to come and apologies for jumping around in this post.
Now I know this is a tobacco website and we are also talking about addictions here - well if it was easy to lie about this fantasy world, of course it was easy to cover up my dipping habits - I had been dipping over 10 years - my last dip was officially June 30th. Yes, so far, cold turkey!
Another addiction was fantasy football and other fantasy sports on various websites - I won here and there, but of course, with an addictive personality, I kept playing and charging the credit card or borrowing money and trying to pay it back - I got so far into debt on my CC I took out a small loan, without my wife knowing, and tried paying off the CC, only to put more back on the card, on top of paying a loan back.
All these lies (addictions) came all out at once - on July 1st, 2016. Put yourself in my wife shoes...how could you take that? how would you react?
I have hurt my best friend and here's the kicker, the worse part that i'm sure all you will definitely think i'm a POS - she's 7 months pregnant. How could I do that to her you ask? I was so consumed in my addictions, my other world, that I just felt i was in control, i could separate them, and live a normal life.
I'm emotionally drained - I don't wish this on anyone. If there is any positives to this story, here it goes: She made me tell my parents - My parents are in the ministry - even though I'm 36 years old, there is no worse feeling than seeing the disappointment on their face when they think you are living the perfect, Godly life - my relationship with God has gotten closer - I've asked for forgiveness and i know the road is long but i know he is my copilot and has to teach me patience through this process - and i'm still under the same roof as my wife - it has to be that little miracle in her stomach that is giving me hope.
Addiction is real, people! I want my family back and i'm willing to do whatever it takes...
I will use this site as my outlet and welcome any feedback, positive or negative, as I 100% own this and I strive to be a better man because of all of this.
Welcome Mass. For your first ever post on here, this is a doosey. We have a lot of people who can help, and I'm sure they will be along soon to add comment.
All I will say is forget your past. Don't think about tomorrow. Focus only on today. That's all you have. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Stay quit for just this one day. Anyone can do that.
Explore the site. Read introductions. Read HOF stories. Play some games in Wildcard. Post roll.
Above all else, post roll. It's your promise to remain quit today. Make that promise first thing in the morning, for yourself, and for us.
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Welcome Mass,
"The first thing to do when you find yourself in a hole is stop diggin" Anonymous
Start healing yourself, physically and mentally. This won't happen overnight but each day do something to improve yourself.
Get on role and read up,
Idaho Spuds 689
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I can't change anyone else, but when I quit dipping, and quit lying to my wife about dipping I didn't approach the issue thinking "I really need to quit dipping" like I did every other time I tried to quit. I approached the problem by saying "I don't want to live this way, I need to change" and instead of focusing on keeping dip out of my lip, I focused on changing who I was. If you are ready to make that change click the link up above that says [community], then click the link that says [welcome center], then click [how to post roll]. When I started doing that, and doing it every day...it changed my life.
Also, Watch out by using the phrase addictive personality as a crutch for dipping. You're not dipping because you have an addictive personality, you're dipping because nicotine is addictive, everyone can be addicted to it, not just people with addictive personalities. Quitting has nothing to do with your personality, it has to do with being determined enough to deal with the day to day grind of fighting for craves. Good luck.
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I can't change anyone else, but when I quit dipping, and quit lying to my wife about dipping I didn't approach the issue thinking "I really need to quit dipping" like I did every other time I tried to quit. I approached the problem by saying "I don't want to live this way, I need to change" and instead of focusing on keeping dip out of my lip, I focused on changing who I was. If you are ready to make that change click the link up above that says [community], then click the link that says [welcome center], then click [how to post roll]. When I started doing that, and doing it every day...it changed my life.
Also, Watch out by using the phrase addictive personality as a crutch for dipping. You're not dipping because you have an addictive personality, you're dipping because nicotine is addictive, everyone can be addicted to it, not just people with addictive personalities. Quitting has nothing to do with your personality, it has to do with being determined enough to deal with the day to day grind of fighting for craves. Good luck.
^^^ this guy knows what he is talking about.
Addictive personality.... I think it is more of a personality trait. Some of the most driven, successful, and intense people I've ever met are nicotine addicts on this site. All in inverting we do. Learn to harness that drive and the sky is the limit. This site and the principles of brotherhood + accountability = success will help you refocus. It really works.
Stay honest to yourself and you don't have to lie.
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I can't change anyone else, but when I quit dipping, and quit lying to my wife about dipping I didn't approach the issue thinking "I really need to quit dipping" like I did every other time I tried to quit. I approached the problem by saying "I don't want to live this way, I need to change" and instead of focusing on keeping dip out of my lip, I focused on changing who I was. If you are ready to make that change click the link up above that says [community], then click the link that says [welcome center], then click [how to post roll]. When I started doing that, and doing it every day...it changed my life.
Also, Watch out by using the phrase addictive personality as a crutch for dipping. You're not dipping because you have an addictive personality, you're dipping because nicotine is addictive, everyone can be addicted to it, not just people with addictive personalities. Quitting has nothing to do with your personality, it has to do with being determined enough to deal with the day to day grind of fighting for craves. Good luck.
^^^ this guy knows what he is talking about.
Addictive personality.... I think it is more of a personality trait. Some of the most driven, successful, and intense people I've ever met are nicotine addicts on this site. All in inverting we do. Learn to harness that drive and the sky is the limit. This site and the principles of brotherhood + accountability = success will help you refocus. It really works.
Stay honest to yourself and you don't have to lie.
By the way, POST ROLL.
That is a requirement to be here, and is a few second a day investment to keep you focused and honest.
Get your name on roll. There are thousands of days of freedom among the quitters above me. They (we) post every day for a reason. Listen to us.
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Compartmentalization. Yep, I learned a lot about that about four years ago. I also learned that (many) women (tend to) view their life as a continuos sheet of fabric. Sometimes people they trust put a big old rip in that fabric. That person that they trust can repair the fabric. They can use the finest thread, and use the smallest stitches to repair that gash, making it nearly invisible. But the rip will never be completely invisible. Your wife will always see the tear you've made in her life fabric.
If you get your shit together, and truly make changes, she will forgive you at some unknown point in the future. But she will never forget what happened. Ever.
So, yeah we can help you quit dip. You have to want to quit. Not to save your marriage. Not because you have a baby on the way. You have to want to quit because you want to be quit.
Post roll. Post roll early in the day, before you leave the house. Post roll every single day. Weekends, holidays, your birthday, and the day your child is born. Post your promise, and keep it. No matter what. Stay quit.
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Not much to add that these bad asses haven't already given. The fact is quitting nicotine is a very simple process. It isn't easy, but it's simple. Promise to keep nicotine out of your system that day (post roll), keep your promise by keeping nicotine out of your system that day. That's it. Like WildIrish said, you can't change yesterday and can't do anything about tomorrow until it gets here. Just for today, be a better man than you were yesterday in every facet of your life. The pieces will start to come together. You can do this Mass. Just do it.
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I can't change anyone else, but when I quit dipping, and quit lying to my wife about dipping I didn't approach the issue thinking "I really need to quit dipping" like I did every other time I tried to quit. I approached the problem by saying "I don't want to live this way, I need to change" and instead of focusing on keeping dip out of my lip, I focused on changing who I was. If you are ready to make that change click the link up above that says [community], then click the link that says [welcome center], then click [how to post roll]. When I started doing that, and doing it every day...it changed my life.
Also, Watch out by using the phrase addictive personality as a crutch for dipping. You're not dipping because you have an addictive personality, you're dipping because nicotine is addictive, everyone can be addicted to it, not just people with addictive personalities. Quitting has nothing to do with your personality, it has to do with being determined enough to deal with the day to day grind of fighting for craves. Good luck.
^^^ this guy knows what he is talking about.
Addictive personality.... I think it is more of a personality trait. Some of the most driven, successful, and intense people I've ever met are nicotine addicts on this site. All in inverting we do. Learn to harness that drive and the sky is the limit. This site and the principles of brotherhood + accountability = success will help you refocus. It really works.
Stay honest to yourself and you don't have to lie.
By the way, POST ROLL.
That is a requirement to be here, and is a few second a day investment to keep you focused and honest.
Get your name on roll. There are thousands of days of freedom among the quitters above me. They (we) post every day for a reason. Listen to us.
How do I post roll again? i'm sorry i'm not playing dumb - just everywhere in my mind right now....
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Wow, and I thought I was mind fucked by addiction. It takes real balls to show up here and lay down a post like that. I pray that you would find Christ's strength and forgiveness as you try to better yourself and salvage your marriage. One thing I will add is that you have to do this for yourself, not your wife, and not your baby. Heal yourself first and then some of the other things will come around. One day at a time you can do it through daily accountability, honesty, and professional help. Quit with you today now go post roll here. Ask if you need help but post your pledge not to use today and repeat tomorrow.
Post roll here (http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/11679548/53/)
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Here is a link to the Quit Group instructions
http://www.killthecan.org/community/how ... tructions/ (http://www.killthecan.org/community/how-to-post-roll-call-roll-call-instructions/)
Post roll, keep your word and repeat. Nobody can change the past. What's done is done. But everybody makes mistakes...even big ones. Let yourself off the hook. Be the person you want to be EVERY DAMN DAY FROM NOW ON.
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Once you get roll down...
Quitting and Relationship Issues (http://forum.killthecan.org/topic/1005806/1/)
That is a damn good thread to get some prospective and some ideas
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Everyone has been 100% spot on. So, instead of re iterating what they have said, I will tell you to grab a chair and hold on. You got a whirlwind of shite getting ready to happen mentally and physically. I don't sugar coat shite and I know a lot of guys on here want me to tone it back a bit because I scare people. HAHA! NOPE! 'na na' . Get yourself a ton of water. Drink it until you teeth float. Cranberry juice here and there will help. Get a small bit of Dark Chocolate. The Dark Chocolate is to help with mental stability. The darker the better. Dark Chocolate is the best known source of serotonin, easily accessible, fairly cheap, safe. The Cranberry and Water help get that shite out of your system and keeps you hydrated. Every morning, no matter your job, go walk for 20 minutes first thing every morning. That will elevate your natural serotonin levels and that will hold all day. Post daily. Quit Daily. Quit moment by moment if you have to. Just quit daily. Make it your priority. A short parable A man and a child were in the mans workshop and the child was annoying the man. The man gave her a pussle to put together of the world thinking it would take her forever because she has no idea what the world looks like. She came back a few minutes later with it put together. He asked how she did it. She show him on the other side of the puzzle was a man and since she knew what a man looked like the world fell into place. Same goes for you. Put yourself together. Make quitting your priority everyday and everything else will happen in time. Find 12 step/support groups for whatever else ales you. It will be good.
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Hang in there Mass.
You passed a few big hurdles. You came forward. You confessed, you got the drugs and gambling off your chest.
You are Fighting 2 demons at the same time. stay committed to your quit like you are committed to Christ and he will provide you that inner strength.
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I'm a fellow guy who sprung this addiction on a pregnant wife, coupled with a few other lifestyle related arguments. It wasn't pretty but We are both at a point now that it is very good to have in the past. When I told her the other day I was over 160 days quit, she was happy. I felt so good to have opened up and fessed up about this awful addiction. And I know she wants the best for me.
You had a lot of things come crumbling down, but now is the time to rebuild. You can rebuild and prepare for this child as a clean, money saving, cancer preventing, responsible man. Something you wouldn't have done if your ninja ways had continued. As a smarter guy than I once posted, just remember that as much as life gets tough, at least you're going through it all without the nic.
Keep your head up and post roll every damn day.
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Anyone else notice he didn't post roll? Guy cheats on his wife and yet welcomed with open arms.
I always thought posting roll was the price of admission, has this rule changed too?
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Anyone else notice he didn't post roll? Guy cheats on his wife and yet welcomed with open arms.
I always thought posting roll was the price of admission, has this rule changed too?
Posting roll is the price of admission in the groups, not Intros. Splitting hairs? Maybe. But a lot of folks get their nudge to finally start posting roll after putting up an intro.
Mass - You are an addict. You have allowed your addiction to control your life and weasel your way in and out of many things, it sounds like. That's not judgement - just facts.
As a fellow addict, I know all of this to be true for most addicts. We will lie, cheat, and steal to serve whatever means results in that hit of dopamine. I'm glad you were honest with your wife and your therapist. I'm sure that was a bittersweet relief.
This place isn't therapy. This is a site for quitting nicotine with zero excuses or exceptions. You give your word, and you keep your word. Each and every day. It is an airtight promise that even the most shifty weasel addict can't worm his way out of.
If you're serious about tackling your addiction, and having some integrity in your life, put your name on roll. You will have more support and accountability than you could ever imagine to help you keep your word. But for now, it is 100% on you.
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Anyone else notice he didn't post roll? Guy cheats on his wife and yet welcomed with open arms.
I always thought posting roll was the price of admission, has this rule changed too?
Posting roll is the price of admission in the groups, not Intros. Splitting hairs? Maybe. But a lot of folks get their nudge to finally start posting roll after putting up an intro.
Mass - You are an addict. You have allowed your addiction to control your life and weasel your way in and out of many things, it sounds like. That's not judgement - just facts.
As a fellow addict, I know all of this to be true for most addicts. We will lie, cheat, and steal to serve whatever means results in that hit of dopamine. I'm glad you were honest with your wife and your therapist. I'm sure that was a bittersweet relief.
This place isn't therapy. This is a site for quitting nicotine with zero excuses or exceptions. You give your word, and you keep your word. Each and every day. It is an airtight promise that even the most shifty weasel addict can't worm his way out of.
If you're serious about tackling your addiction, and having some integrity in your life, put your name on roll. You will have more support and accountability than you could ever imagine to help you keep your word. But for now, it is 100% on you.
My sense has been that to a point you get some time to hash things out in intros, but then you either post roll or you've worn out your welcome.
If you are serious about quitting with us Mass, it's time to get on roll and make that promise. You wont regret it.
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Anyone else notice he didn't post roll? Guy cheats on his wife and yet welcomed with open arms.
I always thought posting roll was the price of admission, has this rule changed too?
Posting roll is the price of admission in the groups, not Intros. Splitting hairs? Maybe. But a lot of folks get their nudge to finally start posting roll after putting up an intro.
Mass - You are an addict. You have allowed your addiction to control your life and weasel your way in and out of many things, it sounds like. That's not judgement - just facts.
As a fellow addict, I know all of this to be true for most addicts. We will lie, cheat, and steal to serve whatever means results in that hit of dopamine. I'm glad you were honest with your wife and your therapist. I'm sure that was a bittersweet relief.
This place isn't therapy. This is a site for quitting nicotine with zero excuses or exceptions. You give your word, and you keep your word. Each and every day. It is an airtight promise that even the most shifty weasel addict can't worm his way out of.
If you're serious about tackling your addiction, and having some integrity in your life, put your name on roll. You will have more support and accountability than you could ever imagine to help you keep your word. But for now, it is 100% on you.
My sense has been that to a point you get some time to hash things out in intros, but then you either post roll or you've worn out your welcome.
If you are serious about quitting with us Mass, it's time to get on roll and make that promise. You wont regret it.
True words by CJ, and I concur with Tuco's logic regarding posting roll vs. intros.
What bothers me is all of the "atta boys" he has gotten without promising us or himself ANYTHING.
It's easy to say your are quitting - I told many people I was quitting at least 30 times in 17 years. It's quite another thing to make a promise to quit - and actually quit vs. a stoppage.
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Anyone else notice he didn't post roll? Guy cheats on his wife and yet welcomed with open arms.
I always thought posting roll was the price of admission, has this rule changed too?
Posting roll is the price of admission in the groups, not Intros. Splitting hairs? Maybe. But a lot of folks get their nudge to finally start posting roll after putting up an intro.
Mass - You are an addict. You have allowed your addiction to control your life and weasel your way in and out of many things, it sounds like. That's not judgement - just facts.
As a fellow addict, I know all of this to be true for most addicts. We will lie, cheat, and steal to serve whatever means results in that hit of dopamine. I'm glad you were honest with your wife and your therapist. I'm sure that was a bittersweet relief.
This place isn't therapy. This is a site for quitting nicotine with zero excuses or exceptions. You give your word, and you keep your word. Each and every day. It is an airtight promise that even the most shifty weasel addict can't worm his way out of.
If you're serious about tackling your addiction, and having some integrity in your life, put your name on roll. You will have more support and accountability than you could ever imagine to help you keep your word. But for now, it is 100% on you.
My sense has been that to a point you get some time to hash things out in intros, but then you either post roll or you've worn out your welcome.
If you are serious about quitting with us Mass, it's time to get on roll and make that promise. You wont regret it.
True words by CJ, and I concur with Tuco's logic regarding posting roll vs. intros.
What bothers me is all of the "atta boys" he has gotten without promising us or himself ANYTHING.
It's easy to say your are quitting - I told many people I was quitting at least 30 times in 17 years. It's quite another thing to make a promise to quit - and actually quit vs. a stoppage.
I'm rolling finally fellas - sorry and thanks for bearing with me! 8 Days thus far - i know it's going to be an uphill climb! Dealing with stress and a broken, upset, emotional pregnant wife, all from my actions, this is definitely going to be hard and def will need support - i appreciate the kind words and tough love! Let's kick this habit and start a new chapter!
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Anyone else notice he didn't post roll? Guy cheats on his wife and yet welcomed with open arms.
I always thought posting roll was the price of admission, has this rule changed too?
Posting roll is the price of admission in the groups, not Intros. Splitting hairs? Maybe. But a lot of folks get their nudge to finally start posting roll after putting up an intro.
Mass - You are an addict. You have allowed your addiction to control your life and weasel your way in and out of many things, it sounds like. That's not judgement - just facts.
As a fellow addict, I know all of this to be true for most addicts. We will lie, cheat, and steal to serve whatever means results in that hit of dopamine. I'm glad you were honest with your wife and your therapist. I'm sure that was a bittersweet relief.
This place isn't therapy. This is a site for quitting nicotine with zero excuses or exceptions. You give your word, and you keep your word. Each and every day. It is an airtight promise that even the most shifty weasel addict can't worm his way out of.
If you're serious about tackling your addiction, and having some integrity in your life, put your name on roll. You will have more support and accountability than you could ever imagine to help you keep your word. But for now, it is 100% on you.
My sense has been that to a point you get some time to hash things out in intros, but then you either post roll or you've worn out your welcome.
If you are serious about quitting with us Mass, it's time to get on roll and make that promise. You wont regret it.
True words by CJ, and I concur with Tuco's logic regarding posting roll vs. intros.
What bothers me is all of the "atta boys" he has gotten without promising us or himself ANYTHING.
It's easy to say your are quitting - I told many people I was quitting at least 30 times in 17 years. It's quite another thing to make a promise to quit - and actually quit vs. a stoppage.
I'm rolling finally fellas - sorry and thanks for bearing with me! 8 Days thus far - i know it's going to be an uphill climb! Dealing with stress and a broken, upset, emotional pregnant wife, all from my actions, this is definitely going to be hard and def will need support - i appreciate the kind words and tough love! Let's kick this habit and start a new chapter!
Mass. Way to go. Tomorrow morning...same thing. Start stacking up one day promises. You'll be amazed how fast the days will add up. Good luck.
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Congrats on one year brother! You and I have text everyday for one year. It kept us both quit. Congrats on the new house and the one in the oven.
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Congrats on one year brother! You and I have text everyday for one year. It kept us both quit. Congrats on the new house and the one in the oven.
Man, I was browsing through some intros this morning and came across this. I was so hoping you stuck with it, then I read FF's update and it damn near brought me to tears. Proud to be quit with you, Mass. Damn proud.
LarryA 64
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Congrats on one year brother! You and I have text everyday for one year. It kept us both quit. Congrats on the new house and the one in the oven.
Man, I was browsing through some intros this morning and came across this. I was so hoping you stuck with it, then I read FF's update and it damn near brought me to tears. Proud to be quit with you, Mass. Damn proud.
LarryA 64
So proud of you, mass!