KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: cowboysgirl on January 17, 2013, 12:05:00 PM
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Hi, guys. I'm the wife of a dipper who's desperately trying to quit. He's been to this site many times in the past several months, even bought some Bac-Off based on other guys' recommendations, but he never joined the forums... so I did. I'm looking for some advice and maybe you fellas can help.
Don was doing so well. He had gone 16 days without a dip (his previous record was only 4 days). I thought he was truly beating this thing... Then yesterday he bummed a dip off of a co-worker (he's a cowboy by trade, and they all partake of some form of tobacco out on the ranch). Yeah. Not-happy-wifey.
I've read the Spousal Support, and I realize that my husband must first WANT TO quit in order to be free of the can... But the problem is he doesn't have the "want", and I'm afraid he never will. So is he.
He knows he needs to quit, that it's bad for his health and expensive and enslaving him, but he truly doesn't want to quit. He likes it too much. No matter how gross or humiliating or expensive or harmful it is, he still wants it. He's complained many times that everyone else wants him to quit except him.
The snuff has such a strong hold over him that it overrides everything else... It's like he can live without basic necessities--a home, good food, even me--but he HAS to have that snuff. He'd live in a shack and eat potatoes as long as he doesn't have to give up his Skoal. He can't seem to see (or care) how pathetic and weak his addiction makes him. He really is like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. He needs his "precious". I get so angry at him... It's like he has no sense of pride or personal dignity.
He got a raise recently, and even though he was quit at the time, he started "joking" about how now we can afford to buy his snuff. It's all he can think about! He's chewed gum until his mouth and tongue were blistered, the Bac-Off just makes him miss the real thing (he says), and I'm getting tired of him constantly needling me to "give him permission" to dip.
Guys, how did you find the "want to" that helped you decide to quit? I know Don can beat this thing once he find his "want", but he just can't find it. In some ways, I think he doesn't want to find it, because that would mean giving up his "precious". It's quite sad, really.
What do I have to do? I have been supportive, congratulating him and praising his efforts, I have been firm but forgiving when he backslides, but I'm beginning to seriously want to kick his ass. Don's even wished it were possible to beat the addiction out of him.
How can I help him? What can I do? I have led him to water, but he's not drinking (to use a metaphor). I know that nobody but Don can make Don drink that water, but if I don't keep him near that waterhole (i.e., frowning on his dipping, urging him to quit), he's going to wander off into the wilderness of Skoalville and never be heard from again. "Out of sight, out of mind", as the saying goes. As long as I'm not on him about quitting, he won't try. ARGH! 'bang head'
Don is not a selfish, greedy, bratty person. But this addiction has turned him into giant ass who only cares about himself, and satisfying his addiction.
Ugh. Sorry for the long-winded chick-post. Any advice (except divorce) is appreciated.
~Kitty Kate
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Maybe he can find the "Want" without you. I don't know why my girlfriend didn't tell me to stop or hit the bricks. I think the thought of not having her or my baby at home would have made me find the "Want". I'm sure you will get some great advice on here.
irishstuey-day 3day 2
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Hi, guys. I'm the wife of a dipper who's desperately trying to quit. He's been to this site many times in the past several months, even bought some Bac-Off based on other guys' recommendations, but he never joined the forums... so I did. I'm looking for some advice and maybe you fellas can help.
Don was doing so well. He had gone 16 days without a dip (his previous record was only 4 days). I thought he was truly beating this thing... Then yesterday he bummed a dip off of a co-worker (he's a cowboy by trade, and they all partake of some form of tobacco out on the ranch). Yeah. Not-happy-wifey.
I've read the Spousal Support, and I realize that my husband must first WANT TO quit in order to be free of the can... But the problem is he doesn't have the "want", and I'm afraid he never will. So is he.
He knows he needs to quit, that it's bad for his health and expensive and enslaving him, but he truly doesn't want to quit. He likes it too much. No matter how gross or humiliating or expensive or harmful it is, he still wants it. He's complained many times that everyone else wants him to quit except him.
The snuff has such a strong hold over him that it overrides everything else... It's like he can live without basic necessities--a home, good food, even me--but he HAS to have that snuff. He'd live in a shack and eat potatoes as long as he doesn't have to give up his Skoal. He can't seem to see (or care) how pathetic and weak his addiction makes him. He really is like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. He needs his "precious". I get so angry at him... It's like he has no sense of pride or personal dignity.
He got a raise recently, and even though he was quit at the time, he started "joking" about how now we can afford to buy his snuff. It's all he can think about! He's chewed gum until his mouth and tongue were blistered, the Bac-Off just makes him miss the real thing (he says), and I'm getting tired of him constantly needling me to "give him permission" to dip.
Guys, how did you find the "want to" that helped you decide to quit? I know Don can beat this thing once he find his "want", but he just can't find it. In some ways, I think he doesn't want to find it, because that would mean giving up his "precious". It's quite sad, really.
What do I have to do? I have been supportive, congratulating him and praising his efforts, I have been firm but forgiving when he backslides, but I'm beginning to seriously want to kick his ass. Don's even wished it were possible of beating the addiction out of him.
How can I help him? What can I do? I have led him to water, but he's not drinking (to use a metaphor). I know that nobody but Don can make Don drink that water, but if I don't keep him near that waterhole (i.e., frowning on his dipping, urging him to quit), he's going to wander off into the wilderness of Skoalville and never be heard from again. "Out of sight, out of mind", as the saying goes. As long as I'm not on him about quitting, he won't try. ARGH! 'bang head'
Don is not a selfish, greedy, bratty person. But this addiction has turned him into giant ass who only cares about himself, and satisfying his addiction.
Ugh. Sorry for the long-winded chick-post. Any advice (except divorce) is appreciated.
~Kitty Kate
Want to, I hate that. He needs to figure it out himself, he just needs to quit. Stop thinking about losing his precious and just quit. With that being said, he needs to figure this out on his own, you can't quit for him. Leave the site up, or be blunt and tell him to jump into chat one day. Yea, that's right, we got a chat up in here. He's an addict, his addict mind is trying to tell him every reason why not to quit, and right now is winning. He needs to understand why, and we can teach him. The hall of fame speeches, the words of wisdoms, or if you go to the front page and have him read "the decision"....all of these will him understand.
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Miss Kitty,
you are absolutely right in what you have read. When a person quits they have to be as selfish as they can be and do it for themself. Cause if it is in any way attached to someone else, they will always go back to the can in times when there is resentment towards that person.
Make sure he keeps reading the stories on the site here, and try to get him to jump into the Live Chat some evening. There is no way we can quit for him but maybe by hearing those of us who have been through it and can/will be there for him when he wants it, can help him make up his own mind.
What made my mind snap on July 2nd and had me throw away the can was the fear of my own health. I had high blood pressure for which I had been taking medication for to treat it for close to 10 years. And I just got tired of it and actually started to get disgusted with myself for what I was doing to my body (and of course then secondly how it was affecting my family).
Just don't push too hard. All the best.
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cowboysgirl,
Not sure I can help you at all, but I will answer: "how did you find the "want to" that helped you decide to quit?"
I wanted to quit for years. I was pissed at myself that I could not, that I would not. I found this site when searching for fake dip... at the time my brother had been diagnosed with throat cancer a few months prior.. and another person that I went to high school with had been fighting throat/esophogeal cancer for a few years... dunno if those things hit close enough to home to influence my decision, but I'm pretty sure they were a factor.
When I did finally decide to "give it a try" with this site, I still had not "decided" to quit, I was merely trying again... like I had so many times over my 33 years of using nicotine. It was after a few days here that I realized if all these folks could do this, I could too. It was at that point that I closed the door on nicotine.
I can certainly relate to your husband. I understand his thinking perfectly... that was ME for 33 years. I did not quit until I was ready... no amount of outside influence could make that happen - it had to happen from within ME. And so it is with your husband.... Be supportive of HIM as a person, separate the addict, and don't take the addiction personally. Do your best to make sure he knows that each day with you is a blessing....It is likely that there will come a time when HE decides that he is ready to quit for himself. When that happens, we are here and we will help him understand his addiction and help him overcome it - one day at a time.
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I would have to agree with 30yr addict. I couldn't quit until I found my "want to". I had tried over the years. I had dipped for 20 years. My wife had griped at me, my parents had stayed on me since they found out, my children had even started getting on to me. I would lie and tell them I would quit tomorrow or I would quit on my birthday, or I would quit on New Year's. Yadda, yadda, yadda, you know the excuses. I had long since got tired of it. I was tired of the taste, I was tired of the spitcans, I was tired of the tobacco granules around where I sat at work and in my car. But I wasn't tired enough to quit. Even when my old friend Copenhagen got too expensive, I would jump down to a lower priced product. But here's what got me to the quitting point.
I had went to hunting camp with my family. I had an uncle who had quit smoking just a few years before. Everytime he would see me he would tell me I needed to quit that crap. Everytime I would just dimiss what he would say. Until this year. His message was receptive this time. I figured if he could quit after 30+ years of smoking, I could do the same. So the same day I killed my 8 point buck was the day I quit. I even named him Snuffy.
Another thing that got to working on me during this time was that my mother's only brother, my favorite uncle had died suddenly from an infection. He was 51 years old. He left behind his wife, an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. They were totally devistated. This got me to thinking about my own children (who weren't much older than my uncle's) and my wife. I didn't want to leave them and more importantly I didn't want them to go thru what my uncle's wife did. But ultimately, I didn't want to die. And I realized if I continued dipping that would happen sooner than later. You see, I am a cancer survivor. I had been free of Leukemia for 30 years that year I quit. And here I was taking a chance with it again.
I went out, bought fake stuff, candy gum and decided to quit right then and there. The nic wasn't getting anymore of my time, my health and my money. Basically, I just had to get mad at that crap I was putting in my body. Instead of getting mad at my family when they asked about it, I turned that anger around. It will be 3 years in February and I still fight it. But I'm winning.
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Kitty...
I actually found my "want to" just by lurking on this site, reading the HoF speeches, Words of Wisdom, and Intros. Long story short, I was looking for my 'want to' for quite awhile. Wasn't able to find it, until I found this site. Seriously, just browsing and reading all these stories finally got me pissed off enuf at nicotine to get it out of my life. Live chat im sure can help as well, just know that solely reading is what got me to 'want' to quit. If he's already been on here reading in the past, maybe gently urge him to read up some more.
But, like you know, do it gently. Gotta be the addict's decision.
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When I did finally decide to "give it a try" with this site, I still had not "decided" to quit, I was merely trying again... like I had so many times over my 33 years of using nicotine. It was after a few days here that I realized if all these folks could do this, I could too. It was at that point that I closed the door on nicotine.
Similar story. I wasn't sure I was completely ready to never have another dip again. The thought of that stuck in my head for the first 10 days. Then something finally clicked and from all the reading and support from this site I realized I was lieing to myself. This site taught me that I am addict and I can control my addiction. I know now that I can never have nicotine ever again.
My wife was the catalyst for me being here (albeit not directly), I used her and my daughter as motivation. But the reason I am quit today is because of me. I think getting him in Live Chat is a good idea, but maybe even have him post his own introduction. In the 68 days I have seen many folks come in with the 'I love dipping' attitude only to have sense knocked into him by some very persuasive vets.
In reality, I truly now believe no one actually enjoys dipping, they are just addicts. Why would you enjoy something that increases your risk of dieing a slow painful death?
Looking back, the only dip I ever physically enjoyed was that first one. All the rest was my addicted brain chasing that feeling.
Do I think you can talk your husband into quitting? No, but you can push him towards making sense of his addiction by using resources like KTC. He might get it right away, might take him months or even years or maybe never. Time will tell.
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hay there kitty. i dont no if you have kids or not but if you do i would definitely make him read the tom and jenny kern story.
i came here cuz i was ready to quit (i found my want in the $ it was costin me.) but if i was just diggin around and found that story i would quit on the spot. and i will honestly tell you - i have been here more than 4 years and i've yet to be able to read the entire story. and i would never, ever want my wife and kids to have to write those things.
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Hi, guys. I'm the wife of a dipper who's desperately trying to quit. He's been to this site many times in the past several months, even bought some Bac-Off based on other guys' recommendations, but he never joined the forums... so I did. I'm looking for some advice and maybe you fellas can help.
Don was doing so well. He had gone 16 days without a dip (his previous record was only 4 days). I thought he was truly beating this thing... Then yesterday he bummed a dip off of a co-worker (he's a cowboy by trade, and they all partake of some form of tobacco out on the ranch). Yeah. Not-happy-wifey.
I've read the Spousal Support, and I realize that my husband must first WANT TO quit in order to be free of the can... But the problem is he doesn't have the "want", and I'm afraid he never will. So is he.
He knows he needs to quit, that it's bad for his health and expensive and enslaving him, but he truly doesn't want to quit. He likes it too much. No matter how gross or humiliating or expensive or harmful it is, he still wants it. He's complained many times that everyone else wants him to quit except him.
The snuff has such a strong hold over him that it overrides everything else... It's like he can live without basic necessities--a home, good food, even me--but he HAS to have that snuff. He'd live in a shack and eat potatoes as long as he doesn't have to give up his Skoal. He can't seem to see (or care) how pathetic and weak his addiction makes him. He really is like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. He needs his "precious". I get so angry at him... It's like he has no sense of pride or personal dignity.
He got a raise recently, and even though he was quit at the time, he started "joking" about how now we can afford to buy his snuff. It's all he can think about! He's chewed gum until his mouth and tongue were blistered, the Bac-Off just makes him miss the real thing (he says), and I'm getting tired of him constantly needling me to "give him permission" to dip.
Guys, how did you find the "want to" that helped you decide to quit? I know Don can beat this thing once he find his "want", but he just can't find it. In some ways, I think he doesn't want to find it, because that would mean giving up his "precious". It's quite sad, really.
What do I have to do? I have been supportive, congratulating him and praising his efforts, I have been firm but forgiving when he backslides, but I'm beginning to seriously want to kick his ass. Don's even wished it were possible of beating the addiction out of him.
How can I help him? What can I do? I have led him to water, but he's not drinking (to use a metaphor). I know that nobody but Don can make Don drink that water, but if I don't keep him near that waterhole (i.e., frowning on his dipping, urging him to quit), he's going to wander off into the wilderness of Skoalville and never be heard from again. "Out of sight, out of mind", as the saying goes. As long as I'm not on him about quitting, he won't try. ARGH! 'bang head'
Don is not a selfish, greedy, bratty person. But this addiction has turned him into giant ass who only cares about himself, and satisfying his addiction.
Ugh. Sorry for the long-winded chick-post. Any advice (except divorce) is appreciated.
~Kitty Kate
These guys have all hit the nail on the head. As frustrating as it will be for you, he has to quit on his own. As an addict, we do things that seem very out of charecter and you need to realize that it is not him. I was on the can for nearly 18 years so I understand and can completely relate to your Husbands situation. I put chewing in front of my wife (Now Ex), My family, friends all came in 2nd to getting a fix. I can also only imagine the amount of pressure he gets from his co-workers. I started chewing when I started playing College Baseball. Why?? Because everyone was doing it. He will have to wrestle those triggers also. I wasnt sure I wanted to quit when I joined this site 88 days ago, but I can tell you that thank God I was able to see a good thing and an avenue to finally beat this addiction. All long term users deep down inside hate the addiction. The problem is that they dont see a clear way to quit. The best way is the band aid method. Mind you, it is a big friggin band aid!! Cold Turkey and use of this site!! I look forward to being here for your husband when he comes to quit!!
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Thanks so much for your replies, irishstuey, Bruce, SirDerek, 30yrAddict, vh5150, Sharksky, Adigg, Syndrome, jhaenel23. I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear that similar guys have gone through this process of "finding the want". I really appreciate you sharing your personal experiences--and congratulations on your successes! I know now--not directly, but by watching Don suffer--just how difficult it is to quit the can... Four days can seem like a lifetime, and y'all have been quit for years! That's awesome! (I hope my husband will be inspired.)
Honestly, I never imagined quitting would be so hard. I've never been addicted to any drug, so it's very difficult for me trying to help Don through the rough spots. I'm afraid I sound like a goody two-shoes when I try to support him, or just really ineffective. I do need to get him on the Live Chat. If he only knew how many guys just like him have conquered this addiction, maybe he'd finally start seeing the light.
The most worrisome thing for me is how long I'm going to have to wait before Don decides to try to quit again. Every time I watch him take a dip I just get depressed. His health, his freedom, his money... Just spat out on the ground. I know it's something that has to be done on his terms in his times, but what if he waits too long?
Case in point: A few weeks ago he had this "thing" under his tongue checked out. For a while he was scared and had the motivation to quit for a short period... But as soon as he found out it wasn't cancer, he was back to dipping as usual. It's like even the fear of cancer can't get him off the can. (At least yet. I don't know if he read the Tom and Jenny Kern Story, Syndrome, but I've read a bit of it... Fueled some fears for me, definitely.)
But you guys are great. Thank you so much. I'll steer him toward the Live Chat. He really does need some positive support and inspiration. The other guys on the ranch do NOT help him during his quits--they tease and taunt him with snuff, and make it just as miserable as possible for him... And one of the guys has been quit for years! How crappy can you get!?
Please keep the replies coming! Tell me about how you found the desire to quit! :)
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Case in point: A few weeks ago he had this "thing" under his tongue checked out. For a while he was scared and had the motivation to quit for a short period...
That is how I found my inspiration, the exact way you listed. I had a growth and went to the dentist who told me I was going to lose a tooth due to chewing. That was over a year ago, I ended up getting a second opinion and keeping the tooth but to get back to "normal" i don't want to talk about how much I have spent on dental bills due to gum deterioration.
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I came here thinking I would quit to save my marriage. I was told that I was an idiot and that I had to quit for me. I fought the idea for a long time, but what finally brought me around was that I realized I had two things controlling my life and I was letting both of them have that control - my ex-wife and the can.
What finally made me "find my want" was that I wanted to be in control of my own life. Once I decided to be the controller of my own life, there was never a question of ever dipping again (not to say that it was easy, by any means).
Maybe if he realizes that he is not truly making his own choices but that it is the nicotine making the choices for him, it might help him find the want...
Let me know if I can help in any way.
CoachDoc
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Hello Kitty Kate. I'm 39 years old and a complete chew junkie. 25 years plus I was a slave to the can. I even chewed in the back of church. In other words if I can Quit....Don can Quit too.
I had many reasons to quit. Myself #1 and my family #2. My 40th birthday is coming up in June and I don't want to see friends that I haven't seen in years and have them say to themselves..."I can't believe that Jason STILL chews!!" So I just quit Dec. 1st. No f***ing more!!
He MUST come to this site. He must want to quit. If he doesn't want to quit then he will never quit. I owe my Quit to the guys in my group and the veterans....Good luck! KC Bronco
P.S. I enjoyed reading your post ....there are a lot of dudes in here. Nice to have a woman come in.
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Case in point: A few weeks ago he had this "thing" under his tongue checked out. For a while he was scared and had the motivation to quit for a short period...
That is how I found my inspiration, the exact way you listed. I had a growth and went to the dentist who told me I was going to lose a tooth due to chewing. That was over a year ago, I ended up getting a second opinion and keeping the tooth but to get back to "normal" i don't want to talk about how much I have spent on dental bills due to gum deterioration.
LOOT had a sore throat for several months. Not bad...just persistent. Scared shitless. Quit for like 2 months. Swore and be damned if LOOT got a clean bill of health, dipping was over. Finally went to the ENT, got that clean bill of health. Stopped at the first C-Store. Dumbassedness of the 10th magnitude.
Several years later...same thing. Cept this time...LOOT stayed clean, primarily because of this place. 7.5 years later and LOOT is lickably clean.
Your man won't quit shit until he's good and damned ready. You nagging him about it will do nothing but make it worse. It sucks watching it happen but if you "put your foot down" you won't do anything but make him more of a liar than he already is.
If you can get him here...and he's ready to quit. We can help.
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Kitty, I echo the comments of my fellow quitters. The main thing I want to emphasize, he will not quit for anyone but himself. Outside motivation helps but it won't make him quit. As a 40 year addict I 'quit' for my wife hundreds of times, I 'quit' for my daughter, I sat with a hunting buddy as he died from oral cancer (it should have motivated me quit but it didn't ). Finally I found my want to quit and couldn't do it. After failing over and over and dealing with terrible depression I stumbled onto KTC and quit. After only 292 days I've seen to many addicts come and profess their desire to quit only to cave and fade away. Why? I assume their want to quit was based more on someone elses want for them to quit.
What Loot said! I suffered from numerous lost teeth, gum grafts but hardly ever skipped a beat!
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Hi Kitty,
I dipped for 18 years and tried to quit a few times, but mostly at the begging of my girlfriend -- wife. When that happened, I just hid it from her.
What got me this time was seeing my 5 yr old boy spitting like me. He would try to find an empty can in the house and then spit in it. How would I tell my boy that he shouldn't do something when his father would do it everyday, all the time. How weak of a father or person was I? Am I that weak that I just can't quit something when I want to? To be the person that I wanted to be, I decided that I needed to be a stronger husband, father, person that people could depend on. From that moment on, nobody else, and certain nothing, will have that much control over me.
Anyway, at this point I was still ignorant about my quit. The next day I found KTC while trying to research my quit and KTC is what has kept me quit. I learned what dipping was all about and spent the majority of my first week on this site learning and understanding what I was going thru. It wasn't long before the word "try" was no longer in my vocabulary. 81 days later, here I am.
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sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.
But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?
In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".
For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?
Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌
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Kitty -
I'm 43, used Cope for 34 years, now quit for 68 days thanks in good part to the KTC Brotherhood.
My "want to" came from the realization that my depression was a result of knowingly choosing Copenhagen over my 3 daughters, my wife, my family, and my own life. I literally had that internal dialog with myself a few years ago at the end of a failed quit...and I chose Copenhagen! The guilt and shame took a heavy toll on me (and may continue to do so for some time).
Things that had little or no bearing on my quit: Wife nagging (she and my oldest daughter gave up years ago). My middle daughter giving me lots of crap and actually hiding or throwing my cans away on occasion. My 2 year old daughter walking around spitting. Dad dying 2 years ago from cancer (smoker). Having several spots removed from my lips/cheeks over the last 12 years. Rotten ass spit cans from the Texas heat sitting in my truck. Seeing EVERY picture of yourself with a huge lip full of cancer. Not being able to kiss your wife. Passing on that cookie your daughter just made because you had a huge lip full of cancer. Many, many more.
I have a long way to go but after 68 days of being nicotine, guilt, and shame free I haven't felt better since my 20's
I wish you and your husband the very best.
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sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.
But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?
In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".
For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?
Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌
Grab a laptop or an ipad and show him the site. Tell him you found it for him. Tell him you would appreciate it if he spent some time looking around...then, let him be. If he's remotely interested in quitting, the "Holy hell man...I am not alone!" feeling will hit him. Once it does, the wheels will start turning. That's all you can do...get the wheel to turning in that pea brain of his.
There are lots of GREAT HOF speeches. Hopefully a couple guys will post links to their favorites for you. Maybe show him a couple of those.
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DTrainMurphyTX,
I'm nodding my head as I read your post. My husband has been in pretty much all of those situations; missing out on tasting something I cooked, kissing me and leaving crumbs of tobacco on my lips (gross), the un-handsome way he looks when he packs a dip into his upper lip... He was dipping when I married him, and I love him despite this vice, but he promised to quit, and... well, I hope that he'll honor that promise.
Thank you for the well-wishes, Tex--and congrats on your 68 days of freedom! :D
And thanks for pointing me in the right direction, loot. (We don't have a laptop or smartphones, though--we is po'... Which is another great reason to quit!) but I'll be sure to check out some of those HOF stories, though. If it'll get him buddied up here at KTC, hubby can spend as much time on the computer as he wants. I'll just do what my ancestors did and read a book. :P
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I'm gonna have my wife pm you.
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sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.
But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?
In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".
For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?
Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌
I found my desire to quit when I spit out half a tooth, half of the exact tooth where I put my dip.
My wife had expressed before that she wanted me to quit. Mainly through jokes which I knew were half serious. Eventually she started buying it for me without me asking. I actually quit before I finshed the first log she ever bought me.
Just love him. Sweetly, and rarely, express to him every now and then that you don't like it and would appreciate if he stopped. Otherwise, not much else you can do. If I may remind you of the old age saying that my wife seems to live by "You get more peas with honey".
The addiction is forcing him to do things he doesnt want to, the last thing he needs is something else doing that too. Give him as much space about the subject as you can, but be sure to remind him very occasionally.
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cowboysgirl,
I have to add my 2 cents to this. I have found myself analyzing why some people join this site and stick with it and why others don't since I joined myself almost 300 days ago. The bottom line is....
"until it clicks, you aren't going to quit."
The thing that makes it click for any of us can be any number of options, but those things WILL be and HAVE to be ones that we want for ourselves. It sounds selfish, but it really isn't. They might want to keep their jaw and tongue, save money, save their marriage, improve their health, improve their image, or just want to take their life back as coachdoc said below. Short list of the many reasons that we find ourselves posting on this site. But the bottom line is, until it sinks in his own head, there is nothing that you can do. Nothing any of us can do.
I have seen dozens of guys post here anything from a couple of days to a couple of months just disappear. Many of them confirming our of suspicions that they are back in the can, but most we never know. Almost all of them say at some point that "they get it!!!". They see how this site works and that they want to quit for XYZ reason and that they know they can quit with this site. They really do know that they can quit. They have read the stories mentioned by my fellow quitters below, they have seen the successes and the failures. Yet they still set themselves up for failure because they WANT to fail. That thing for them hasn't quite clicked yet. No amount of cancer scares, lost teeth, bad breath, increased tobacco taxes, or constant sore throats will make you jump to the safe side of the fence until you just want to do it. It's black and white. Either you want to quit or you don't.
What I'm getting at is that you can lead a horse to water.....even though he finds his way here, until it sinks in for him he won't truly be quit. I can only imagine how frustrating, infuriating, and confusing it can be for you (as it was for my wife for the 10+ years I have known her and the 16+ years for my family) as a spouse to see someone you love continually play Russian Roulette on a can by can basis.
I don't say these things to discourage you or to devalue this website. In fact, quite the opposite. This website, I believe, has saved my life. Just trying to make sure you know that this isn't a "magic potion" that as soon as you find it you get clean. If the true wanting and the true will is there, he can and will quit for good within these pages.
I urge you to come here, daily if you have the want or the need, and just read. Feel free to post questions or comments. Hopefully, your husband will wonder what you are doing on the computer and you have your chance to have that serious talk. No pushing, no yelling, no threatening, and surely no ultimatums. But you will be able to tell him that this site gives you hope that he can save his life. That his constant abuse of his health and wallet have pushed you to pursue an outlet of your fear. You are a women, and women have their own special way of planting seeds in our head of what we need to do so I'll leave that to you of what to say and how to say it.
After seeing how dumb I was for almost the length of a generation, I feel and share your pain.
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Kitty, I chewed for 34 years. I started at age 10. I joined this site over a year before I made a post, I had wanted to quit for many years but I was so afraid that I would not be able to do anything without the can in my pocket and the crap in my lip. I read a lot on this site and developed a great admiration for the quitters here, I wanted to be one but I didn't think I could ever be as strong as these wonderful people. When it finally dawned on me that I did not have the world's worst addiction to nicotine like I had believed, I started to get strong. I was tired of the addiction, tired of being ashamed of myself, tired of being me....I wanted to find out who I really am. I didn't know because I had started this addiction at such an early age. By reading everyone's stories I realized that I needed this group if I was going to face this addiction head on. My wife never once told me she wanted me to quit, but when I told her it was time and I needed to get in the ring with my problem I could see relief in her face. She put up with my moodiness and really showed me how much she loves me by listening to my incoherent rants at times. My advice?....get into the chat room and invite your husband to sit next to you. We can help, we are all addicts. Mike
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sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.
But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?
In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".
For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?
Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌
Grab a laptop or an ipad and show him the site. Tell him you found it for him. Tell him you would appreciate it if he spent some time looking around...then, let him be. If he's remotely interested in quitting, the "Holy hell man...I am not alone!" feeling will hit him. Once it does, the wheels will start turning. That's all you can do...get the wheel to turning in that pea brain of his.
There are lots of GREAT HOF speeches. Hopefully a couple guys will post links to their favorites for you. Maybe show him a couple of those.
Roam needs to get in here. His wife found this site for him.
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I didn't find my "want to" until about 60-70 days into my quit. I never even wanted to quit until I had a sore on my lip, thought it was cancer, had a panic attack, and ended up in the hospital.
Turned out everything was fine, but I thought, "well dummy, maybe its time to quit". I thought it would be easy...WRONG!!! I often refer to myself as the biggest wussy this site has ever seen. I was a basket case when I quit. I even left this site for awhile, because I was scared of what I was reading.
I only thought about the physical dammage dip could do. I had no idea the mental stranglehold it had on me. I really fought my quit in the beginning. I wanted to be "healed" and I wanted it NOW and if I wasn't gonna come NOW then God Dammit somebody tell me the exact fucking date (excuse my language) when I would feel "normal " again.
Of course that was not possible and all the great guys on here kept telling me "hang in there, it will get better". I HATED HEARING THAT AND DID NOT BELIEVE THEM. But...for some reason I kept quit.
Finally around day 60 or so it hit me..."you can quit this crap. You just lived 2 months of your life without your best buddy and didn't die". Not only did I not die I started to feel pretty darn good but more than that I felt PROUD. PROUD that I stuck with it, proud that I didn't cave, proud that I was getting my freedom back, and proud that these assholes who kept encouraging me were right.
Once I had that pride and gained confidence my quit took off like a rocket. 229 days later I can honestly say it was the best decision I've ever made...and I didn't even WANT to quit. I just thought I should.
Not sure if this helps you mam but just wanted to give you an example of someone finding their "want to" 2 months after they quit.
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Thank you for your replies and advice, Diesel, Mike, Wedge and Thor. So much of what you're saying has been part of me and the Cowboy's long discussions about quitting: his fears that wanting the snuff will never go away, that it'll never get better, that he'll be suffering for months and waiting for that magic day when it'll click and he'll finally be NORMAL, like what you said, Diesel, but mostly trying to learn to live and function without it every day (really, when something is so enmeshed into your daily routine, removing it suddenly leaves these gaping holes).
My mom was a smoker for about 40 years before she finally quit cold turkey, and she said that that was the biggest thing she struggled with--all the unconscious habits, the associations (meals, phone calls, etc), the simple mechanical oral habit. But she beat it. I think she's coming up on six smoke-free years this June.
When it finally dawned on me that I did not have the world's worst addiction to nicotine like I had believed, I started to get strong.
Mike, it must be that every dipper thinks he has the worst addiction and is completely beyond hope. Cowboy told me the same thing last night during a heartfelt discussion. I wonder how much of that is just simple fear, or maybe the evil hold of the addiction trying to keep him from being cured. Really, the more I look at nicotine and the lives it's destroyed, the more I begin to believe that it's a tool of Satan.
In any case, I told him about my experience on KTC, and how awesome the outpouring of support has been, how he doesn't have to be the Lone Ranger when it comes to quitting, that's he's got a whole network of great guys who can help him in a way that I can't. All he has to do is reach out. I think the message is starting to get through (and without me pushing, forcing, or guilting--all I'm doing is pointing to the computer and saying "It can be easier--you have nothing to lose by trying.")
Again, thanks so much to everyone who has commented (and are still commenting). You're all so great, I can't say it enough. Rock on. :D
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Tell him there are 14 thousand of us waiting to help him quit.
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Normal? Normal?
Chances are he does not remember himself without nicotine...so what exactly is normal? If his normal is with nicotine...no, he ain't gonna be normal. It took ol LOOT a long, long time to come to terms with normal. We are addicts. We are not normal. But then again...who is normal? Who gets to determine normal?
Quitting nicotine is a great experience in self discovery. You can't remember how you acted before...so you get to "create" a new you. Find new patterns. New routines. In many ways you get to determine how a clean you gets to act/react.
What the hell is normal anyway?
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sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.
But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?
In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".
For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?
Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌
Grab a laptop or an ipad and show him the site. Tell him you found it for him. Tell him you would appreciate it if he spent some time looking around...then, let him be. If he's remotely interested in quitting, the "Holy hell man...I am not alone!" feeling will hit him. Once it does, the wheels will start turning. That's all you can do...get the wheel to turning in that pea brain of his.
There are lots of GREAT HOF speeches. Hopefully a couple guys will post links to their favorites for you. Maybe show him a couple of those.
Roam needs to get in here. His wife found this site for him.
Absolutely! And I fought her tooth and nail! What ole loot sugests is what actually got me hooked. I started browsing just a bit, reading a little, next thing I knew I was in it head first and for the long haul. My wife just kept with the gentle nudges as she knew I could not be pushed. But I gave in and checked it out....272 days later, here i is. Nic free.
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sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.
But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?
In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".
For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?
Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌
Grab a laptop or an ipad and show him the site. Tell him you found it for him. Tell him you would appreciate it if he spent some time looking around...then, let him be. If he's remotely interested in quitting, the "Holy hell man...I am not alone!" feeling will hit him. Once it does, the wheels will start turning. That's all you can do...get the wheel to turning in that pea brain of his.
There are lots of GREAT HOF speeches. Hopefully a couple guys will post links to their favorites for you. Maybe show him a couple of those.
Roam needs to get in here. His wife found this site for him.
Absolutely! And I fought her tooth and nail! What ole loot sugests is what actually got me hooked. I started browsing just a bit, reading a little, next thing I knew I was in it head first and for the long haul. My wife just kept with the gentle nudges as she knew I could not be pushed. But I gave in and checked it out....272 days later, here i is. Nic free.
'clap'
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I wanted to bump your post back up to the top. I see you have still been checking in with us. A recent post that you may want to have your hubby read is: Cdaniels oral surgeon visit (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=7796). When I wasn't ready to quit it probably wouldn't have affected me but today it motivate the hell out of me.