KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: bigbamadan on April 07, 2010, 06:58:00 PM
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I never formally posted an introduction. I joined the site on Day 3 or 4, I think. I posted a little blurb about myself in the July 2010 thread...and recall even remarking to let me know if there was a proper place to do such intro's for new folk.
Point is that detoxing from this shit had me so thick that at that point I really wasn't sure which way was up (not that I'm that far removed at day 15). A few days passed and then my dumb ass realized there are all kinds of other threads on KTC...even one called introductions...imagine that.
Seeing the example from other KTC members and after giving some serious thought to the matter...I've decided to use this intro forum as my quit blog...tracking/commenting upon my progression as the days free from nic start to accumulate. At first I wasn't keen on the idea of doing this, being the intro page is open to whoever may stubble across this site. But then, like I'm sure many of you, I thought well I guess that openness is for the greater good. If somehow reading my account of the quit can convince one single person to lay this shit down...then it's worth it.
Plus, as I've mentioned in the July form...my excessive posting updating my quit has drastically spurred on the effort. So now I'll keep my July posts along the lines of supporting my July 10 brothers....pounding down limp wrist cavers in attempt to bring them back to the side of the right....and keeping the quit strong and committed. That way if you want to follow my inane ramblings on "how I feel" you can come willingly to this thread and not have to be subjected to it in the July thread.
So for that intro...
I started dipping around 18. I smoked off and on since 16 and decided at that point that I needed to quit. I had a few buddies that dipped, so I decided I could use it to wean myself off the cigs....man was that a horrible decision. I loved that shit more than any cig I'd ever had. I still remember those first few dips from a friend....Cherry Skoal...I don't even think they make that nasty shit anymore.....so after that I switched to Cope Long and never looked back....that gold topped pseudo friend was always remained in arms reach.
So fast fwd 10 years later...I'm now married to a wonderful woman (who never once asked/forced me to quit) and have an amazing 10 month old little girl. I secretly told myself that I would quit by the time she was 1....not sure if I believed it or not but told myself I would "try." Since being on this site I found a quote from someone that I really liked. "Do or Don't...there is no try." That is so true. I "tried" a handful of times before and never made it past 5 days.
A few weeks ago I was sitting in the floor playing with my daughter and it finally hit me..."what if I'm not around to watch her grow up because of this stupid shit I've put in my mouth everyday for the last 10 years." So the next week I said was going to try to drastically cut back....when that amounted to just about a can less for the week I said fuck it....I'm done.
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Bigbamadan I commend you I used my intro all the way through and still using it after 1 year. It will help you reflect back so that you don't want to go through this again.
Stay strong and stay quit!
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Day 17 -- Coke or Pepsi
This past weekend I experienced some serious craves. Most were the result of drinking with the guys watching the Final Four. I've seen several recommendations on here not to drink for the first 50 days. I agree that drinking makes it harder, but I'm not going to cave and that's a damn fact...I figure making it through the worse craves will only make stronger. Anyway, I powered through just fine.
However, I decided on Sunday that I would order some of the Hooch to store away for similar crave occasions.
As I do most days, I went home for lunch this afternoon. Check the mail and discover a package. I had forgotten about ordering the Hooch, hadn't thought about it since Sunday. Well I proceed inside and throw down all the mail and head to the refrigerator...still not paying any attention to the Hooch. I fix my lunch and sit down at the computer to check KTC...read a few posts then head over to msnbc to check the news...still not thinking about the Hooch.
I finish eating and get up to take my plate to the sink...I walk by the table where it's still laying unopened and think to myself you should see what it looks like...what the consistency is like.
I opened the can, the original flavor, and was quite impressed...this looks like dip, far better than any fake I have seen in the past. Well now this has my full interest....I'm not having a crave, hadn't had one all day...sure I thought about dip several times today but never that oh my god oh my god where's my dip, oh yeah I'm quit, moment.
Do I try it or do I store it a way for those bad craves?? Well hell, it's the fake stuff it can't hurt me like the nic filled cancer cookin shit...I ordered it....might as well give it a little try. Pack the can...and throw in a fatty.
Son of a bitch!!! This is some good stuff. It's like I'm dipping again....feels like dip, taste very very similar to cope...more the fine cut than the long, but still. I'm getting pumped. I start to walk around the house taking care of a few little odd chores before heading back to work. This is awesome. I walk into the bathroom and spit in the sink.
This is the one and only thing my wife ever got mad about concerning my dipping...spitting in sinks...bathroom or kitchen, and really who can blame her? That is just disgusting. Bam!! I've done it again...granted she's not home and will never know, but that's not the point. In 10 short minutes with the Hooch, I've gotten sucked back into my old bullshit routine. I immediately pull it out of my mouth....intentionally leave the can on the counter...and walk out the door to head back to work.
Now as I sit here at work, things have changed from only a few hours ago....when I wasn't thinking about the Hooch at all. Now I can't stop thinking about it...how much I liked it....and if I will have another one tonight. Really some crazy shit.
In my short time on KTC I've seen a couple of discussions breaking the oral fixation. I'm guessing it's a long standing discussion. Should breaking the oral part be addressed, or should freeing oneself from the nic bitch be the primary objective? After giving it a fair amount of consideration I've decided there is not right answer. I certainly agree that getting nicotine out of your life is the most important task at hand. However, each person has to decide what the best method is for their quit. Like which soft drink works best for your personal taste...Coke or Pepsi??
Fake stuff or no fake stuff??? Always having something in your mouth or not? Sure, the first week or so I chewed the hell out of different gums, but that has really died down recently. Until putting the Hooch in I don't think I realized the strength of the oral fixation. When I put it in I discovered what I had been looking to replace. And now I have a decision to make. I really thought I knew which way I was leaning...but now I'm not so sure.
But either way...I can promise you one thing...I won't be putting any of that cancer causing shit in my mouth.
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sometimes i go weeks without using fake stuff. sometimes i do it several times a day. my experience is that because there is no true addiction to the fake stuff is that after a while you don't even think about using. it's wild because sometimes I'll wake up and say i'm going to have a fakie. i'll sit down at the computer and forget to pack one in. then i remember. then i forget again. then it's time to leave and i haven't done one.
my experiences.....
also i don't watch msnbc for news.
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Here is my .02 on the subject of fake.
I used it early in my quit. Almost daily, up to the point of dipping just like I was before only it was fake and not real. Then I started cutting back, and it wasn't really a decision just started cutting back. Then I would go multiple days without, then multiple days back to using. I went over a month without it, then used it again when I went back on the road. Now I have been back home and have not had a fakie since my trip two weeks ago.
If you need it early on to keep you quit then use it as you need it, that is exactly what it is for. There is nothing in it that is addictive or harmful so in time you will just stop using it. Don't put too much effort in worrying about it. Focus on your quit.... the rest will take care of itself.
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Here is my .02 on the subject of fake.
I used it early in my quit. Almost daily, up to the point of dipping just like I was before only it was fake and not real. Then I started cutting back, and it wasn't really a decision just started cutting back. Then I would go multiple days without, then multiple days back to using. I went over a month without it, then used it again when I went back on the road. Now I have been back home and have not had a fakie since my trip two weeks ago.
If you need it early on to keep you quit then use it as you need it, that is exactly what it is for. There is nothing in it that is addictive or harmful so in time you will just stop using it. Don't put too much effort in worrying about it. Focus on your quit.... the rest will take care of itself.
I'm with Greg. I started using it around Day 30. It didn't keep me from caving, as that wasn't an option anyways. It did help with 2 areas:
1. I was eating everything and site and gaining weight at an unbelievable pace. The fake helped curb that for awhile as my mind de-identified the oral fixation from the nic rush.
2. It gave me confidence to drink around my still dipping friends. I still believe a newbie should lay off the sauce for several weeks, but at some point you will return to your previous life, but without the dip. At this point, I solidly owned my quit, but was still quite nervous about being offered a dip while drinking. I'd keep a fake in all night, and it really helped.
Like Greg said though, use subsides w/o much effort. I'm at day 270 and haven't had any in over 100 days, all while controlling food intake, losing weight, and having gone out drinking many times. I remember one night out drinking at a bar. We arrived, and I realized that I didn't have a fake can. Uh oh. Then an amazing thing happened - I forgot that I had forgot it, and went on to have a great night never thinking about it again.
My conclusion is that if i its too much like the real thing and makes you obsess about it, don't. But if it helps, use it and don't beat yourself up about it. It's a temporary tool, not an addiction.
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Here is my .02 on the subject of fake.Â
  I used it early in my quit. Almost daily, up to the point of dipping just like I was before only it was fake and not real. Then I started cutting back, and it wasn't really a decision just started cutting back. Then I would go multiple days without, then multiple days back to using. I went over a month without it, then used it again when I went back on the road. Now I have been back home and have not had a fakie since my trip two weeks ago.
  If you need it early on to keep you quit then use it as you need it, that is exactly what it is for. There is nothing in it that is addictive or harmful so in time you will just stop using it. Don't put too much effort in worrying about it. Focus on your quit.... the rest will take care of itself.
I'm with Greg. I started using it around Day 30. It didn't keep me from caving, as that wasn't an option anyways. It did help with 2 areas:
1. I was eating everything and site and gaining weight at an unbelievable pace. The fake helped curb that for awhile as my mind de-identified the oral fixation from the nic rush.
2. It gave me confidence to drink around my still dipping friends. I still believe a newbie should lay off the sauce for several weeks, but at some point you will return to your previous life, but without the dip. At this point, I solidly owned my quit, but was still quite nervous about being offered a dip while drinking. I'd keep a fake in all night, and it really helped.
Like Greg said though, use subsides w/o much effort. I'm at day 270 and haven't had any in over 100 days, all while controlling food intake, losing weight, and having gone out drinking many times. I remember one night out drinking at a bar. We arrived, and I realized that I didn't have a fake can. Uh oh. Then an amazing thing happened - I forgot that I had forgot it, and went on to have a great night never thinking about it again.
My conclusion is that if i its too much like the real thing and makes you obsess about it, don't. But if it helps, use it and don't beat yourself up about it. It's a temporary tool, not an addiction.
I agree with you guys
I used it a a lot early in my quit, then went away from it for awhile, then went back to it again when I was traveling on business and now I am away from it again. There are times it is really satisfying but most of the time gum provides the same benefit to me. Many times the thought of having one will cross my mind but then I will just forget to do it or not be completley motivated to have one.
It is safe though, I would not give a second thought to using it if that is what you need to do to stay quit.
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Thanks guys! I appreciate the responses....I certainly understand what you are saying.
Last night I figured out what really had me so worked up.
Prior to my quit...most nights after the wife and kiddo were asleep I would head out to the living room for a few hours and play video games (Call of Duty, Madden, NCAA Football). Feel free to make fun of me...but hey I'm 29, part of the first Nintendo generation, and work in IT...I'll admit I have a few geek tendencies. Since being quit I haven't enjoyed this as much...party because dip free I don't seem to be such a night owl.
Anyway, last night I decided to try out the Hooch with the XBOX. It was great to some degree....brought me back to my old routine. Really could see myself doing it frequently and being ok with the idea.
But then it hit me....for the past 18 days I've enjoyed not having to put up with the incidentals of dipping. I made this realization when I looked down about 10 mins in and realized I dropped a fair amount on my shirt when putting it in.
For 18 days I haven't had to worry about dip stains on my clothes, finding a spitter, possibly drinking my spitter, spilling my spitter, dropping dip on the floor, spitting in sinks, having to bring a disposable coffee cup to work. I was free of it and man it felt good. The fake while quite enjoyable for me...brings with it to many of the bonds I sought to break.
So like I said yesterday, this is clearly a decision that should be made by each person in attempt to do the best thing for their quit. For me, I'm going pass on the fake. Hopefully I will get to the point in the future where I do not feel like I have to have something in my mouth. Until then, I'll use the occasional piece of gum.
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Thanks guys! I appreciate the responses....I certainly understand what you are saying.
Last night I figured out what really had me so worked up.
Prior to my quit...most nights after the wife and kiddo were asleep I would head out to the living room for a few hours and play video games (Call of Duty, Madden, NCAA Football). Feel free to make fun of me...but hey I'm 29, part of the first Nintendo generation, and work in IT...I'll admit I have a few geek tendencies. Since being quit I haven't enjoyed this as much...party because dip free I don't seem to be such a night owl.
Anyway, last night I decided to try out the Hooch with the XBOX. It was great to some degree....brought me back to my old routine. Really could see myself doing it frequently and being ok with the idea.
But then it hit me....for the past 18 days I've enjoyed not having to put up with the incidentals of dipping. I made this realization when I looked down about 10 mins in and realized I dropped a fair amount on my shirt when putting it in.
For 18 days I haven't had to worry about dip stains on my clothes, finding a spitter, possibly drinking my spitter, spilling my spitter, dropping dip on the floor, spitting in sinks, having to bring a disposable coffee cup to work. I was free of it and man it felt good. The fake while quite enjoyable for me...brings with it to many of the bonds I sought to break.
So like I said yesterday, this is clearly a decision that should be made by each person in attempt to do the best thing for their quit. For me, I'm going pass on the fake. Hopefully I will get to the point in the future where I do not feel like I have to have something in my mouth. Until then, I'll use the occasional piece of gum.
'clap' 'clap'
Way to go, you have figured out many things early in your quit. I for some reason do not hop on the PS3 at night anymore. Good stuff
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Thanks guys! I appreciate the responses....I certainly understand what you are saying.
Last night I figured out what really had me so worked up.Â
Prior to my quit...most nights after the wife and kiddo were asleep I would head out to the living room for a few hours and play video games (Call of Duty, Madden, NCAA Football). Feel free to make fun of me...but hey I'm 29, part of the first Nintendo generation, and work in IT...I'll admit I have a few geek tendencies. Since being quit I haven't enjoyed this as much...party because dip free I don't seem to be such a night owl.
Anyway, last night I decided to try out the Hooch with the XBOX. It was great to some degree....brought me back to my old routine. Really could see myself doing it frequently and being ok with the idea.
But then it hit me....for the past 18 days I've enjoyed not having to put up with the incidentals of dipping. I made this realization when I looked down about 10 mins in and realized I dropped a fair amount on my shirt when putting it in.Â
For 18 days I haven't had to worry about dip stains on my clothes, finding a spitter, possibly drinking my spitter, spilling my spitter, dropping dip on the floor, spitting in sinks, having to bring a disposable coffee cup to work. I was free of it and man it felt good. The fake while quite enjoyable for me...brings with it to many of the bonds I sought to break.
So like I said yesterday, this is clearly a decision that should be made by each person in attempt to do the best thing for their quit. For me, I'm going pass on the fake. Hopefully I will get to the point in the future where I do not feel like I have to have something in my mouth. Until then, I'll use the occasional piece of gum.
'clap' 'clap'
Way to go, you have figured out many things early in your quit. I for some reason do not hop on the PS3 at night anymore. Good stuff
Definitely a great realization, In the first few weeks of my quit I used the fake just as I did with the real crap. But after about 10 days I got tired of it and I wanted to break everything that had to do with dip. Now I use the fake on occasion to get through a really tough craving, but that's it. I might use it once every couple of days and 1 can last me over a week.
Everyone has their own preference, but I think it's valuable that you noticed the similarity in your behavior with the fake and the real.
You're a strong quitter already.
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Day 22 -- Ain't it Funny
I'm in the 20's now and it feels great. Sure there are still bad times, but at this point it is much easier to see the light. As the vets have pointed out, weekend quitting is harder. I've still yet to piece together why...it's just another day...but it is harder. Going in to my quit I thought I would struggle the most at work. I was accustomed to having 2 or 3 dips each day...while sitting at my desk. But no dip at work has brought very few challenges and little time for soul searching on the meaning of life sans dip. Unlike this past weekend when I started to contemplate the passage of time as it pertains to a dipper.
As I've stated before, I dipped for right around 10 years. The funny thing is that in retrospect those 10 years seem more like 3. I'm now right there knocking on 30's door...but at times I forget that. My wife is 10 year older than I. She is often amused by comments I make concerning age. An example...someone recently said "sir" to me in an official sounding way. We get back in the car and I say really...I'm only a couple years older than that guy and he calls me "sir." Wife tells me..."how old do you think you are?? That person was maybe 20...you are almost 30."
Like my man Willie says, it really is funny how time just slips away. One moment I'm shot gunning beers and chasing girls on my high school Sr trip....the next minute I look up and I have a well established career, the most wonderful woman in the world who I'm so lucky to be able to call my wife, a great home and most importatly...a 10 month old daughter that leaves me constantly smiling and amazed.
Clearly to be where I am now I had a great 10 years, but it was 10 years that dip was with me every step of the way....and it flew by in the blink of an eye. I always told myself I wouldn't dip long. That it was just something me and my buddies did while we were fucking around getting our dick wet in the world...it's not something I had to have. It was just a fun recreational thing....like smoking the occasional joint or drinking a beer while watching football. Guess what. IT'S NOT. Dip clearly has be one of the most addictive substances known to man.
So here I am 10 years in and wondering how I got to the point of doing it this long. Since joining KTC I've taken a good bit of solace in the fact that I am stopping this at 10. When hearing stories from other quitters referencing 15, 20, and 30 years...I think to myself way to go Dan you are somewhat ahead of the curve.
Then this past weekend that nic bitch tried to creep back in using time as the rationale...."see dan they've done it for 30 years....they are fine...a little more won't hurt....your cool you can stop it when you want now." HORSE SHIT I tell the nic bitch. I quickly put down the uprising, but it still happened...and I have to suspect it happens with all quits. Just be prepared to smack it down.
At that point I had been insanely committed to the quit for 19 days. Not faltering or second guessing my efforts. I told myself each day that dip is for self centered pricks and I never wanted that again. Now in this moment of tough weekend quit I found myself thinking about "what is the right/ok length of time to dip." Crazy!
(If you are reading this and you are contemplating your own quit...wondering the same question. The answer is NO LENGTH OF TIME IS OK TO DIP...throw the can down and join us in this fight.)
If I would have allowed myself to cave to that absurdly ridiculous, donkey ball licking, dry fucking nic bitch sweet talking...you know what would have happened. That funny little thing called time would have caught up with me again; before I knew I'd look up and it would be 20 years. I'll be damned if that is going to happen.
Keep the quit strong,
--BamaDan.
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Day 22 -- Ain't it Funny
I'm in the 20's now and it feels great. Sure there are still bad times, but at this point it is much easier to see the light. As the vets have pointed out, weekend quitting is harder. I've still yet to piece together why...it's just another day...but it is harder. Going in to my quit I thought I would struggle the most at work. I was accustomed to having 2 or 3 dips each day...while sitting at my desk. But no dip at work has brought very few challenges and little time for soul searching on the meaning of life sans dip. Unlike this past weekend when I started to contemplate the passage of time as it pertains to a dipper.
As I've stated before, I dipped for right around 10 years. The funny thing is that in retrospect those 10 years seem more like 3. I'm now right there knocking on 30's door...but at times I forget that. My wife is 10 year older than I. She is often amused by comments I make concerning age. An example...someone recently said "sir" to me in an official sounding way. We get back in the car and I say really...I'm only a couple years older than that guy and he calls me "sir." Wife tells me..."how old do you think you are?? That person was maybe 20...you are almost 30."
Like my man Willie says, it really is funny how time just slips away. One moment I'm shot gunning beers and chasing girls on my high school Sr trip....the next minute I look up and I have a well established career, the most wonderful woman in the world who I'm so lucky to be able to call my wife, a great home and most importatly...a 10 month old daughter that leaves me constantly smiling and amazed.
Clearly to be where I am now I had a great 10 years, but it was 10 years that dip was with me every step of the way....and it flew by in the blink of an eye. I always told myself I wouldn't dip long. That it was just something me and my buddies did while we were fucking around getting our dick wet in the world...it's not something I had to have. It was just a fun recreational thing....like smoking the occasional joint or drinking a beer while watching football. Guess what. IT'S NOT. Dip clearly has be one of the most addictive substances known to man.
So here I am 10 years in and wondering how I got to the point of doing it this long. Since joining KTC I've taken a good bit of solace in the fact that I am stopping this at 10. When hearing stories from other quitters referencing 15, 20, and 30 years...I think to myself way to go Dan you are somewhat ahead of the curve.
Then this past weekend that nic bitch tried to creep back in using time as the rationale...."see dan they've done it for 30 years....they are fine...a little more won't hurt....your cool you can stop it when you want now." HORSE SHIT I tell the nic bitch. I quickly put down the uprising, but it still happened...and I have to suspect it happens with all quits. Just be prepared to smack it down.
At that point I had been insanely committed to the quit for 19 days. Not faltering or second guessing my efforts. I told myself each day that dip is for self centered pricks and I never wanted that again. Now in this moment of tough weekend quit I found myself thinking about "what is the right/ok length of time to dip." Crazy!
(If you are reading this and you are contemplating your own quit...wondering the same question. The answer is NO LENGTH OF TIME IS OK TO DIP...throw the can down and join us in this fight.)
If I would have allowed myself to cave to that absurdly ridiculous, donkey ball licking, dry fucking nic bitch sweet talking...you know what would have happened. That funny little thing called time would have caught up with me again; before I knew I'd look up and it would be 20 years. I'll be damned if that is going to happen.
Keep the quit strong,
--BamaDan.
Thanks for these posts, Dan. That nic bitch is a sweet talkin' little slut and it's amazing how sometimes it's hard to tell it's her that's whispering in your ear. I've found I can even trust the way I think about things because i'm just subconsciously giving myself an out. Like giving myself a quit date - that just gives you more time with the bitch to dip your fucking lip right off. Then you're just that much more committed to the dip and you blow right through your quit date and cave before your even through your first day. I've done it so many times it's sickening. I think it's great you're documenting some of the bitch's other tricks. Thanks for the great post.
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Day 25 - The Blame Game
I've recently tried to stop blaming things on my quit. For the first 15 days or so that's all I did. Bad day at work...damn this quit making my job suck. Burned dinner...fuckin no good quit making me lose track of time and forget something was in the oven. Wife asks me to take out the trash and the bag rips on me...you son of bitch quit...now you've torn my garbage bag, really quit...now you are fucking with my garbage bags???? These few examples, along with countless other things I simply chalked up to the fact that my gold top, "it satisfies" friend was gone. (Side note...now that I just typed that, what kind of slogan is that anyway??? "It satisfies"....that opens up a whole other can of worms and now has me pissed...but I'll post about that later...back to original train of thought)
At some point within the last two weeks, I saw a post in one of the other pre-HOF quit groups. I don't recall which one or who made the post. I don't even recall a direct quote, but the gist was...quit all your damn belly aching about how hard it is to quit. The post was more abrasive than that and better stated but that was the idea. At first I was pissed, this jackass can't tell me how I should feel. The quit is hard and fuck him for insinuating I'm not man enough to handle it being I think and talk about how hard it is to break free from this addiction.
A couple of days passed. I was having a conversation with the wife at dinner...just discussing our day. (Another side note, wife now loves how I can now sit at the dinner table after we finish...no longer have to run off to find my can) In the conversation she brings up a coworker, informing me that another colleague had received an update on how they were doing. A month and a half ago this coworkers teenage son passed away...in a tragic freak freak accident. For the rest of the night I remained fairly down, imagining that family's loss and the pain they must be experiencing.
That's when it hit me and I started to think about that post saying to stop bellyaching over the quit. That poster was right. I don't have it bad, far from it actually. My wife's coworker's family is dealing with a tragic unthinkable loss...and I'm sitting here for the past two weeks complaining to myself and thinking the sky is falling because I can't stuff carcinogens in my face. How lame is that???
It was at that point I decided I needed a serious attitude change with my quit. No longer would I blame things on the quit. I had bad days when I dipped...so that stands to reason there will be bad days in my new nicotine free life. The bad is not caused by the lack of nicotine.
Since openly attempting to embrace this train of thought I feel my quit has grown stronger. I'm no longer questioning myself each and every step of the way. Wondering if this would be occurring if I had that shit in my lip. It is a nice change.
Adios quitters,
--BamaDan
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Day 73 - Thinking Clearer
It's been quite some time since I last posted here. A good bit has changed in 50 days.
I have now been over two months without dip. That's a fun thing to say. Over two months without a dip. Wow!
I recall an evening 4-5 months ago...It was a Friday or Saturday night, wife and I were heading home from dinner with friends. In the car I put in the last dip from a can...I did a quick mental inventory and recalled that I had a brand spanking new can at home, so no worries...no need to stop on the way home.
I get to the house and the first thing I do is go look for that can. Son of a bitch, it is nowhere to be found. (Keep in mind I still have a dip in at this point, so I don't even have to have one) It's only around 10PM and I had planned to stay up for a while longer, enjoying the weekend and that brand new can. I start freaking...and I do mean freaking the f out. It was like someone cut off my dick and told me they hid it somewhere in the house. I tore the house up looking for that damn thing....searched for over 30 mins. I finally found the can in a jacket pocket of the coat I had worn the previous day. But there was a prolonged since of anxiety caused by this missing can.
I've started to wonder recently if the anxiety I experienced for so many years was caused by the dip. At this point I'm still not certain if it was the cause. However, I am now positive that the dip did not help. I falsely believed that for many years. Thinking I was self medicating and I had found the perfect alternative to prescription drugs. Funny thing about me, I don't like taking any pills...over the counter or prescription. I rarely take any type of medication...just vitamins and the occasional Advil. But for years I was fine shoving poison in my face thinking it was "medicating" my anxiety. It is truly crazy what that nic bitch whispers in your ear.
The first 30 days of the quit my anxiety was running rampant, far worse than when I was dipping. There were a couple of points early on that I didn't know if I could stay the course. I thought I still needed my anxiety "medicine."
The next 25 days it still existed but I gained better control over my self inflicted crazy. Around the first of May rkymtman posted a comment in response to another person's question. Over the years I heard this same thing many times before, but until this point it never truly registered. So much that I even copied it down. "Worry about that which you can control (then DEAL with it) and realize that there are things you have no say in." I started thinking about that a lot. When I was falling off the crazy wagon I would ask myself "is this something I can control?" When 8/10 the answer was no I can't control this, it was much easier for me to let go and quit worrying. Just as with the dipping triggers I was learning how to better manage the anxiety.
Then something wonderful happened about 2 weeks ago. I woke up one morning and felt completely different. No more daily gum exams. No more worrying about work. No more irrational fears. For the first time in many years I feel a sense of calm. I've always been a happy person but a happy person with a ton of anxiety.
Who knows, it may come back but for the time being I am enjoying the ride. At this point in my quit I ask myself almost daily, why I didn't quit years ago. Sure there are still times I want a dip, but the changes I've experienced in the past 73 days make it so easy for me to crush the craves.
Amazing what a difference two months makes. I feel like a whole different person. Life without addiction is clearly all around awesome.
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Day 339 - The Magic Bullet
It is amazing how far I have come in nearly a year. I vividly recall guys telling me during my first few weeks to just hang in there...that things get so much better. It took me a while to start believing. They were all correct. It has been a long journey to get to this point. I am so thankful I pushed through.
I will never allow myself to return to Day 1. The boat is burned and while the battles on this side are few and far between now, I am still prepared to fight every day.
Yesterday I came back to my intro thread to read accounts from the start of my quit. Reading back through my old posts I started to contemplate how I got to this point.
A couple months ago a buddy of mine who smokes asked me how I quit dipping. I instantly told him about KTC. I told him about posting roll. I told him about the accountability. He had a difficult time grasping these concepts. In part I understood his confusion on how an internet support group could actually be successful tool in overcoming an addiction to nicotine. What we do here is not for everybody. I get that.
He then asked how I made it through all the craves. What alternatives I used. How I handled craves when drinking. The more he talked, the more I came to the conclusion that he was searching for a magic bullet.
I asked him if he really wanted to know how I quit. What I do to remain quit. "Hell yeah" he eagerly responded...like a child awaiting Santa on Christmas Eve. That is when I told him the secret.
I didn't put that shit in my mouth.
That is how I quit. I made a conscious decision each day not to dip. That is how I continue to remain quit. As each day builds that decision becomes easier and easier to make.
Skoal or Cope do not make a ninja flavor. There is no dip that will magically jump in your mouth. There is no event that can occur that justifies dipping. Each one of us makes the decision upon whether or not we are quit. Is it easy in the beginning? Hell no. But it can be done. We are all proof. You have to want this more than anything else in your life. This can't be something you think you should do. Not something that is a nice idea on paper. Not something that is "cured." It's a fight. One that is so worth fighting.
So for those of you still searching for that magic bullet, stop looking and start quitting. There is no easy/pain free way. If that existed big tobacco would be broke. Quitting is hard, but I can honestly say it is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.
Thank you to all that have helped me get to this point
--Daniel
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i LOL'ed at "ninja flavor"
great stuff here. thanks for going back and keeping up with your old thread, it's a great perspective on what the path of a quit is like.
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I went to your first post and read your whole story, which I found very inspiring. I particularly like the ending - that is, that there is no ending, and you're strong.
I'm also in IT, working for a little company. I used to tell myself - in fact I've so recently told myself this that it's dishonest to speak in the past tense - ... anyway, I've been in the habit of telling myself that chew is what gets me through when the RAID alarm goes off and I know I'll be up all night nursing a server, or when I'm bored and absolutely nothing is happening for days because I'm just that good. I'm only on day 12 of proving what a pack of lies all that is (the part about being "that good" is something only my boss believes. I guess that's good).
I wish I would have come across folks like youall years ago. I guess I just wasn't ready. But anyway, now I have, and I'm a stronger and more grateful person for that. Thanks for having been here, and for leaving a brief diary of your triumph.
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It's a shame that gems like this get buried. Congrats Bandana.