KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: Turner's Revenge on February 23, 2012, 04:19:00 PM
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Howdy Fellas,
When I woke up last Saturday, I wanted it to be the first day of my nicotine-free life -- a life that, now at age 37, I hadn't experienced since 1990. (Wow, that's a long time . . . and I have to admit, I am damned embarrassed that I never worked up the balls over the last 22 years to completely kick the Copenhagen habit.) Sure, there had been quite a number of false starts over that time, but never the will to make it permanent.
I've played all the games and told myself (and others) all the lies, in my quest to keep my habit alive. Here's the history of my habit: Back when the addition first started, I was a regular Copenhagen man. Stayed with that from about 1990 through 2002. During that time, there was never any serious break; sure, there were periods where I went without, but never anything serious. In 2002, I moved from Texas to what I would call a real "Yankee" city. While there I actually stopped dipping in early 2004. Now, I did occasionally smoke during this period, so its fair to say I never got nicotine free. Sometime in mid-2007 when I'm back in Texas, I told myself a little lie that I would not get "re-hooked" if I dipped pouches. Five years later here I am.
Glad to say I think that has changed now. It is Thursday and I am on my sixth nicotine-free day. Now that this is in gear, I wanted to reach out to this group, start posting roll call, and get in the mix. I really, honestly, am very sick and tired of dipping. I want to be free from it . . . free from the "slave mentality". But I have to say that I am, somewhat, well, scared . . . I think (know) I can do this, but, hell, I was freaking 15 years old the last time I was nicotine free . . . dipping has been a companion of mine for over 60% of my life. As much as that is pathetic, it is, well, a "relationship" in a odd sort of way.
So, I guess what I am saying here, is that I am excited about the future, nervous about the change, and faithful of success.
Looking forward to working through this with y'all,
Turner's Revenge
P.S., One thing before I go: I've been surprised at how intense my cravings have been these past few days. The first three days -- when the nicotine is still in your system -- were a comparative breeze. The armchair shrink in my says that means my "addiction" was always far more mental than physiological. Anyone else experience a trend like this, where your cravings became worse once you were solidly nicotine-free?
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hey man, going through the same thing. Day 1-3 were a breeze but now on day four the mind games are coming in full force. But I can handle it cause I promised not to use nic today and I will hold my word.
Welcome, this place definitely helps out a lot and pretty much everyone is willing to give some support
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Turner, you can do this, and it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself. 20 years of kodiak here and I had the same feelings going into the quit as you. Time will fly as you rid yourself of this addiction. Maybe not at the start - so take those days one day at a time only, just get through the day you are in - but they will fly very soon. I am on day 202 now and I don't even think about kodiak or chewing or cravings any more. I can look myself in the mirror each day now and know that I didn't do anything today to increase my chance of getting cancer or or leaving my wife and four daughters without a husband/dad. It feels good man, and you will be there very soon. I can tell you have right attitude - desire to quit and respect for the addiction. Lean on me if you need anything. I am quit with you brother. One day at a time and you will rid yourself of this addiction.
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Turner-
I'm going through the same stuff and based on what I've read here it seems fairly typical. Two weeks after quit the cravings are fleeting but intense, as is the little voice in my head saying I can "handle" just one dip now...
Don't cave, pledge and quit for today. Then do it again tomorrow. Give me a shout if you need support or just a sympathetic ear...
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Turner,
Congrats you have made an awesome choice. Stay quit a day at a time. Here for you Bro if you need anything. Later
Brandon
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Some good bonding going on here! Good work guys. As you see its best to not go this alone. There are many guys going through this with you. Make a pact, call each other, keep each others backs. Together we stay quit and togetherness keeps this place running.
Well done!
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Turner - the Nic Bitch doesn't give up easily. The good news is that you're in the right place. Bad news is that it will probably get much harder. It is crazy how many different ways the Nic Bitch will come at you...triggers that you weren't aware of, random craves, and tons of mind fucks and false rationalizations.
"I can have just one more because...." is a thought we have all had. It would be funny if it weren't so deadly serious. Congrats on a week. But remember, quitting is done one day at a time.
You're still in the suck right now. Embrace it! It is the feeling of healing. Think of it as a blessing...you GET to go through this because you made the choice to quit now. Life without nicotine is free and wonderful, even if it does start out with a splitting headache and sleepless nights.
Stay strong, stay quit brother!
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I really appreciate the posts here. The idea about the mind games is spot on--it's shocked me when my craves come. Amazing, really. But I'm not going back . . . I'm going to find that peace that comes from having won this fight. I'll stay quit with you guys!
Turner
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Great decision Turner!
Let me point out a couple things that were critical to my quit. I will quote your words from you intro.
"I think that has changed"
Well, it either has or it hasn't. This is all in your mind. You make yourself a changed person or not. There is no think here. Make your decision right now. Are you done FOR GOOD or not? That's all it is, a decision to be done with no exception.
"I feel scared"
Yes, you are. Terrified maybe. You're not a pussy for feeling that way. I was terrified of quitting. I really was. But this goes away quicker than you an imagine. Just take it one day at a time.
"I want to be free"
Then be free...
There really isn't anything else to say. Just make the quit happen.
"having won this fight"
We never win this fight. We are always addicts. We can only win small battles, but never the war. But we never let the enemy take us prisoner again.
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Great decision Turner!
Let me point out a couple things that were critical to my quit. I will quote your words from you intro.
"I think that has changed"
Well, it either has or it hasn't. This is all in your mind. You make yourself a changed person or not. There is no think here. Make your decision right now. Are you done FOR GOOD or not? That's all it is, a decision to be done with no exception.
"I feel scared"
Yes, you are. Terrified maybe. You're not a pussy for feeling that way. I was terrified of quitting. I really was. But this goes away quicker than you an imagine. Just take it one day at a time.
"I want to be free"
Then be free...
There really isn't anything else to say. Just make the quit happen.
"having won this fight"
We never win this fight. We are always addicts. We can only win small battles, but never the war. But we never let the enemy take us prisoner again.
Great post, Magnum. I could not agree more with each of your thoughts. So let me reprise it:
"It HAS changed" The Decision is made. Dye cast. Rubicon crossed. I am quit.
"I feel scared", but I am gaining strength every day. Each day I stay quit I gain strength an confidence. That's the reward for exercising integrity.
"I want to be free" . . . even more so today than when I wrote this. I think the difference is that I am learning that I can be free. When you've been an addict for over 20 years, that thought -- that you can be free -- is a non-starter. The adict mindset is that you cannot live without your crutch. Well, I am pleased to report that is complete bullshit!
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Saturday, February 23, 2012
Day 8 of Quit.
Damn, this feels good!
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OK, I got to sound off with some hot sports opinions:
I'm at the office today. We've got a big thing happening next week, so I am up here grinding. Normally, my can would be right at my side (i.e., dip in the mouth) on a day like this . . . sparsely populated office on a weekend before big deal closing . . . a serious f**king trigger!!! Nothing I can do about it . . . work requires this, so no avoiding this trigger. As a result, however, it has caused me to sit and stew in with the cravings . . . and it got me to thinking:
If I ever doubted my hatred for the Nicotine Whore, there is no doubt now! I fucking hate her. I hate the way she is distracting me today. I hate the way she is taking a great Saturday before a major career milestone and turning it into something about HER! Fuck Nicotine. I'm staying quit . . . .
Funny thing when you finally grow a set of balls. In times past, I would have run off to 7-11 to take care of this. Not today. Instead, I am seeing this addiction for what it is: a terrible curse that I have brought upon myself. Makes me want to whip this bitch even more! Yes, I respect the Nicotine Whore -- we all must, right? -- but I want her relegated to where she belongs: the dark, back recesses of my subconscious . . .
Thanks for allowing me to throw this tantrum. Over the next 20, 50, 80, 100 days you should expect many more.
Turner's Revenge
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OK, I got to sound off with some hot sports opinions:
I'm at the office today. We've got a big thing happening next week, so I am up here grinding. Normally, my can would be right at my side (i.e., dip in the mouth) on a day like this . . . sparsely populated office on a weekend before big deal closing . . . a serious f**king trigger!!! Nothing I can do about it . . . work requires this, so no avoiding this trigger. As a result, however, it has caused me to sit and stew in with the cravings . . . and it got me to thinking:
If I ever doubted my hatred for the Nicotine Whore, there is no doubt now! I fucking hate her. I hate the way she is distracting me today. I hate the way she is taking a great Saturday before a major career milestone and turning it into something about HER! Fuck Nicotine. I'm staying quit . . . .
Funny thing when you finally grow a set of balls. In times past, I would have run off to 7-11 to take care of this. Not today. Instead, I am seeing this addiction for what it is: a terrible curse that I have brought upon myself. Makes me want to whip this bitch even more! Yes, I respect the Nicotine Whore -- we all must, right? -- but I want her relegated to where she belongs: the dark, back recesses of my subconscious . . .
Thanks for allowing me to throw this tantrum. Over the next 20, 50, 80, 100 days you should expect many more.
Turner's Revenge
You've got this brother. The pull will lessen and lessen every day (with minor exceptions that you will overcome) until you don't think about nic at all. Just get through today. The toughest part is behind you, keep up the good work. Also, bubble gum helped me at work when I needed concentration during the fog.
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OK, I got to sound off with some hot sports opinions:
I'm at the office today. We've got a big thing happening next week, so I am up here grinding. Normally, my can would be right at my side (i.e., dip in the mouth) on a day like this . . . sparsely populated office on a weekend before big deal closing . . . a serious f**king trigger!!! Nothing I can do about it . . . work requires this, so no avoiding this trigger. As a result, however, it has caused me to sit and stew in with the cravings . . . and it got me to thinking:
If I ever doubted my hatred for the Nicotine Whore, there is no doubt now! I fucking hate her. I hate the way she is distracting me today. I hate the way she is taking a great Saturday before a major career milestone and turning it into something about HER! Fuck Nicotine. I'm staying quit . . . .
Funny thing when you finally grow a set of balls. In times past, I would have run off to 7-11 to take care of this. Not today. Instead, I am seeing this addiction for what it is: a terrible curse that I have brought upon myself. Makes me want to whip this bitch even more! Yes, I respect the Nicotine Whore -- we all must, right? -- but I want her relegated to where she belongs: the dark, back recesses of my subconscious . . .
Thanks for allowing me to throw this tantrum. Over the next 20, 50, 80, 100 days you should expect many more.
Turner's Revenge
You've got this brother. The pull will lessen and lessen every day (with minor exceptions that you will overcome) until you don't think about nic at all. Just get through today. The toughest part is behind you, keep up the good work. Also, bubble gum helped me at work when I needed concentration during the fog.
Thanks, Seagems. I really appreciate the encouragement.
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Thoughts on Day 10
Monday, February 27, 2012, was my tenth consecutive day without dip. I struggled a little more than usual yesterday. Craving came often during the night, while I was working at the house. These were not "strong" cravings, but they were persistent.
I've been getting about three to five daily craves. Lately, they have felt a lot more like my brain throwing temper tantrums than what I experienced a week ago. Its as if my mind is saying "do I really have to go without that high?" In some ways, these seem more difficult to ignore than the pure physiological craves experienced during days one through three.
Writing about the process helps . . . a ton. I am thankful to have this website, and the support of all the fellow addicts who are battling this terrible addiction. And as I write this, I can hear my three month-old son cooing in the other room, which is the reason we all do this in the first place.
Stay strong. Stay Quit.
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Thoughts on Day 10
Monday, February 27, 2012, was my tenth consecutive day without dip. I struggled a little more than usual yesterday. Craving came often during the night, while I was working at the house. These were not "strong" cravings, but they were persistent.
I've been getting about three to five daily craves. Lately, they have felt a lot more like my brain throwing temper tantrums than what I experienced a week ago. Its as if my mind is saying "do I really have to go without that high?" In some ways, these seem more difficult to ignore than the pure physiological craves experienced during days one through three.
Writing about the process helps . . . a ton. I am thankful to have this website, and the support of all the fellow addicts who are battling this terrible addiction. And as I write this, I can hear my three month-old son cooing in the other room, which is the reason we all do this in the first place.
Stay strong. Stay Quit.
Hang in there. You will have less cravings every single day. I remember a tough stretch between days 17-20 and then again for a couple of days in the late 30's. Those tough days are nothing compared to what you already have behind you. Then, in no time at all, you don't have tough days anymore. Know that you have some tough days ahead, but that the extreme suck is in the rear view mirror. You are making a great decision for yourself.
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Thoughts on Day 10
Monday, February 27, 2012, was my tenth consecutive day without dip. I struggled a little more than usual yesterday. Craving came often during the night, while I was working at the house. These were not "strong" cravings, but they were persistent.Â
I've been getting about three to five daily craves. Lately, they have felt a lot more like my brain throwing temper tantrums than what I experienced a week ago. Its as if my mind is saying "do I really have to go without that high?" In some ways, these seem more difficult to ignore than the pure physiological craves experienced during days one through three.
Writing about the process helps . . . a ton. I am thankful to have this website, and the support of all the fellow addicts who are battling this terrible addiction. And as I write this, I can hear my three month-old son cooing in the other room, which is the reason we all do this in the first place.
Stay strong. Stay Quit.
Hang in there. You will have less cravings every single day. I remember a tough stretch between days 17-20 and then again for a couple of days in the late 30's. Those tough days are nothing compared to what you already have behind you. Then, in no time at all, you don't have tough days anymore. Know that you have some tough days ahead, but that the extreme suck is in the rear view mirror. You are making a great decision for yourself.
Thank you so much for the thoughts.
It is really helpful that you point out how you run into tough patches at later days in the quit. Since you mentioned it, I will be on the look-out for them!
Funny thing about these cravings . . . when they hit you feel like "again? really? still coming?" . . . whenever that happens there is this sense of futility that overtakes me momentarily. (Don't worry, I am not about to cave, just being honest about the experience.) When I regain my composure, the urges quickly go away. But that moment when crave = futile thinking is very tough.
I think that is why the daily posting of roll makes so much sense. You promise just for that day -- not tomorrow, and certainly not next week or month. Just this 24 hours. Makes it seem so much more manageable. If you think about anything other than today, you can easily get overwhelmed ("Am I going to feel like this forever?")
Thanks, again, for all the support. It is very much appreciated.
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Can someone please enlighten me on the pitfalls, perils, etc., of days 18 through 20?
I've seen some postings on these boards about folks experiencing some serious craves around this time . . . which, coincidentally, is right where I am.
These past few days I have had to beat back some really strong impulses. My brain says: "Hey, you've done great. Why don't you run out and grab a can?" For some reason, saying no to these craves takes a whole new level of dedication than the ones experienced during days 5-8. Very powerful . . .
Man, nicotine is a SERIOUS drug that can really foul up your brain's wiring.
-Turner
P.S., I'm still quit.