KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum

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DWEIRICK - 187
Scott B. - 2591
Bicycleptic 3628

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DWEIRICK - 187

241

Break the cycle.

I've spent, well really my entire life, but especially these last 15 years having my life ran by demons. I'd go 2-3 years trying to have a life and build towards something and then I'd get knocked down and the fear and despair would take over and I would wash my hands of everything and walk away. I'd walk away from jobs, houses, cars, people, everything.

I couldn't handle it. I could not handle the darkness that was at the door. So I walked away from it and his behind dip and ran. I moved across the country I ran so far. But it always catches up to you.

You can fill your life with as much distraction or nicotine or alcohol or whatever but it's still there at the door. There's no outrunning it, there's no ignoring it forever. The only choice is to open the door and walk through it and come out the other side.

Monday, my truck breaking down threw me into such a spiral. The severe despair hit me immediately but instead of letting the panic and the darkness take me. Instead of walking away, washing my hands and disappearing I instead took action, solved the problem and then faced it.

I sat in it, let the emotions hit. I let the fear and guilt and despair and loneliness and exhaustion hit. I faced it and went to work in spite of it. I refused to accept defeat. I was ready. I was ready to wash my hands of everything and start dipping just so I could feel peace and relief again. But I knew those lies all too well.

I refused to let it run me, I forced myself to go do my job. I scheduled therapy for Wednesday but I went to work Tuesday and forced myself to live. Then Wednesday I had therapy where I finally was able to talk to someone.

Yes I have several people at KTC I know I could pick up the phone and go through anything with. I am not there yet. I'm such a withdrawing, solo person. All I have ever had in my life is myself so when it comes down to it I am so much more comfortable alone. I trust no one but myself truly, and even then I don't trust myself.

It will get better, this week suddenly turned into a battle I was not prepared for but it's one I'm ready to finally face. My demons don't get to run me anymore. The fear, the guilt the despair doesn't get to be in charge anymore.

This is my life.

Proud of you brother! My digits are always available for the asking for when you are ready to expand your network. I'm Day 378 alcohol free today and have been doing counseling for the past few years - there is always room for more healing and growth. Happy to be on this journey with you.

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Bicycleptic 3627
Scott B. - 2590
Chick 3918
FLLIP 3438

241

Break the cycle.

I've spent, well really my entire life, but especially these last 15 years having my life ran by demons. I'd go 2-3 years trying to have a life and build towards something and then I'd get knocked down and the fear and despair would take over and I would wash my hands of everything and walk away. I'd walk away from jobs, houses, cars, people, everything.

I couldn't handle it. I could not handle the darkness that was at the door. So I walked away from it and his behind dip and ran. I moved across the country I ran so far. But it always catches up to you.

You can fill your life with as much distraction or nicotine or alcohol or whatever but it's still there at the door. There's no outrunning it, there's no ignoring it forever. The only choice is to open the door and walk through it and come out the other side.

Monday, my truck breaking down threw me into such a spiral. The severe despair hit me immediately but instead of letting the panic and the darkness take me. Instead of walking away, washing my hands and disappearing I instead took action, solved the problem and then faced it.

I sat in it, let the emotions hit. I let the fear and guilt and despair and loneliness and exhaustion hit. I faced it and went to work in spite of it. I refused to accept defeat. I was ready. I was ready to wash my hands of everything and start dipping just so I could feel peace and relief again. But I knew those lies all too well.

I refused to let it run me, I forced myself to go do my job. I scheduled therapy for Wednesday but I went to work Tuesday and forced myself to live. Then Wednesday I had therapy where I finally was able to talk to someone.

Yes I have several people at KTC I know I could pick up the phone and go through anything with. I am not there yet. I'm such a withdrawing, solo person. All I have ever had in my life is myself so when it comes down to it I am so much more comfortable alone. I trust no one but myself truly, and even then I don't trust myself.

It will get better, this week suddenly turned into a battle I was not prepared for but it's one I'm ready to finally face. My demons don't get to run me anymore. The fear, the guilt the despair doesn't get to be in charge anymore.

This is my life.